src/homepage

#!/bin/sh
#llllmmmm11234567892123456789312345678941234567895123456789612345678971234567890
# vim: syntax=:ts=8
set -ex
<"$0" python3 -c '
import os, sys
class File:
	attributes = []; content = ""; substitutions = dict()
	figurative = True; stub = True
	def addattribute(self, *args):
		for a in args: # sloppy but works
			if a == "stub":          	self.stub = True
			elif a == "verbatim":    	self.stub = False
			elif a == "figuratively":	self.figurative = True
			elif a == "literally":   	self.figurative = False
	def __init__(self, **kwargs):
		for key in kwargs:
			if key == "attributes":	self.addattribute(*kwargs[key])
			else:	setattr(self, key, kwargs[key])
files = dict()
for part in reversed(sys.stdin.read().split("\n\n\n")):
	name = "." + part.split("\n")[0]
	if "\t" in "." + name:
		attributes = name.split("\t")[1].split(",")
		name = name.split("\t")[0]
	else:	attributes = []
	if len(name) <= 1 or name[1] != "/" or "ignore" in attributes:
		continue
	content = part.split("\n\n")[0].split("\n")
	substitutions = dict()
	if(len(content) > 1):
		for s in content[1:]:
			s = s.split("\t")
			if len(s) == 2: substitutions[s[0]] = s[1]
	mode = "replace"
	for attribute in attributes:
		if attribute in ["append", "replace"]:
			mode = attribute
	attributes = list(set(attributes) ^ {"append", "replace"})
	content = part[len("\n".join(content))+2:]
	file = File(attributes = attributes, content = content + "\n",
		substitutions = substitutions)
	if mode == "append":
		if not(name in files):
			sys.stderr.write(sys.argv[0] + ": " + name + ": "
				+ "appending to nothing\n")
		else:
			file.content = files[name].content + file.content
	files[name] = file
for name in files:
	if files[name].stub:
		p = ""; s = ""; d = name
		while True:
			d = os.path.dirname(d)
			if (p == ""
					and os.path.join(d, "Prefix")
						in files.keys()):
				p = files[os.path.join(d, "Prefix")].content
			if (s == ""
					and os.path.join(d, "Suffix")
						in files.keys()):
				s = files[os.path.join(d, "Suffix")].content
			if d == "." or (not(p == "") and not(s == "")):
				break
		files[name].content = p + files[name].content + s
	if files[name].figurative:
		content = files[name].content
		for s in files[name].substitutions:
			instances = []
			i = 0
			while True:
				instance = content.find(s, i)
				if instance == -1:	break
				instances += [instance]
				i = instance + len(s)
			if len(instances) == 0:	continue
			for i in reversed(instances):
				content = (content[:i]
					+ files[name].substitutions[s]
					+ content[i+len(s):])
		files[name].content = content
	# TODO error checking
	if not(os.path.isdir(os.path.dirname(name))):
		os.makedirs(os.path.dirname(name))
	with open(name, "w") as fd:	fd.write(files[name].content)
d = ""; bucket = "#!/bin/sh\n"
for name in files:
	d = name
	while True:
		if os.path.dirname(d) == ".":
			mop = ("rm "
				+ "-r " * os.path.isdir(d)
				+ name # yeah this sucks
				+ "\n"
			)
			if not(mop in bucket):	bucket += mop
			break
		else:
			d = os.path.dirname(d)
if len(bucket.split("\n")) > 2:
	with open("./cleanup.sh", "w") as fd:
		fd.write(bucket)
'
test -x homepage.local \
	&& exec ./homepage.local \
	|| test -e homepage.local \
		&& exec sh ./homepage.local \
	|| exit 0


/CNAME	verbatim

www.trinity.moe


/BANNER.txt	verbatim

  /\  |/||\|| _\|||\ |||||/||\|\\//  |\  /|/ \||\|
 /  \   ||  || /|||\\||||  ||   ||   ||\/|| | ||>
/____\ _||__||\\||||\\|||__||_ _||_()||\/||\_/||/|


/license.html

<P>Except where noted, www.trinity.moe is available under the Blue Oak Model
License 1.0.0 as defined below.</P>
<PRE>
Blue Oak Model License, Version 1.0.0

Purpose
	This license gives everyone as much permission to work with this
software as possible, while protecting contributors from liability.

Acceptance
	In order to receive this license, you must agree to its rules. The
rules of this license are both obligations under that agreement and conditions
to your license. You must not do anything with this software that triggers a
rule that you cannot or will not follow.

Copyright
	Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
would otherwise infringe that contributor's copyright in it.

Notices
	You must ensure that everyone who gets a copy of any part of this
software from you, with or without changes, also gets the text of this license
or a link to <https://blueoakcouncil.org/license/1.0.0>.

Excuse
	If anyone notifies you in writing that you have not complied with the
Notices, you can keep your license by taking all practical steps to comply
within 30 days after the notice.  If you do not do so, your license ends
immediately.

Patent
	Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
would otherwise infringe any patent claims they can license or become able to
license.

Reliability
	No contributor can revoke this license.

No Liability
	As far as the law allows, this software comes as is, without any
warranty or condition, and no contributor will be liable to anyone for any
damages related to this software or this license, under any kind of legal
claim.
</PRE>


/homepage.html
$!TITLE	&quot;homepage&quot; documentation
$!DESCRIPTION	one file, one website

<H1>&quot;homepage&quot; documentation</H1>
<H2>the forest</H2>
<P>
homepage is a single-file static site generator written in UNIX sh(1) shell
script, the goal being to contain a website with heirarchical page
organization within a single file that can be run to extract it out to the
filesystem, almost like a self-extracting UNIX tape archive that documents its
own layout in a UTF-8 script closer to English.
</P>
<H2>trees</H2>
<H3>files</H3>
<P>
To add a file to your homepage, append three newlines ('\n', or the
Enter/Return key on your keyboard) to the end of the homepage file, followed
by the path of the file to add. A homepage file path starts with a slash ('/')
and is followed by the path to the file relative to the prefix directory (the
directory containing homepage). A file path that starts with a hash ('#') is
discarded. For all non-slash- non-hash- prefixed file paths, the behavior of
homepage is undefined.
</P>
<H4>file attributes</H4>
<P>
On the same line as the file path, if, after the path, a tab ('\t') is
present, the substring following the first tab in the line and spanning to
and excluding the next tab or newline describes the attributes of the file as
it is exported to the file system. These file attributes are delimited by
commas (',') and there's no limit to the amount of attributes a file can
have, though in the event of conflicting attributes the later attribute
"wins" the conflict.
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>attribute</TH>     <TH>default?</TH><TH>action</TH></TR>
<TR><TD>"figuratively"</TD><TD>yes</TD>
	<TD>Indicates the file should be subject to macro expansion.</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>"ignore"</TD>      <TD>no</TD>      <TD>Ignore the current entry.</TD>
</TR>
<TR><TD>"literally"</TD>   <TD>no</TD>
	<TD>Opposite of "figuratively".</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>"stub"</TD>        <TD>yes</TD>
	<TD>Indicates the file should be exported to the filesystem with the
		appropriate Prefix and Suffix files prepended or appended.</TD>
</TR>
<TR><TD>"verbatim"</TD>    <TD>no</TD>      <TD>Opposite of "stub".</TD></TR>
</TABLE>


/x200t/index.html
$!TITLE Thinkpad X200 Tablet

<SCRIPT TYPE="application/javascript">//<!--
window.onload = window.initializesheets;
//--></SCRIPT>
<H1>Thinkpad X200 Tablet</H1>
<H3>updated 2022-08-11</H3>
<HR ALIGN="left" SIZE="1" WIDTH="25%" />
<P>Contents</P>
<UL>
	<LI><A HREF="#seealso"    >See also</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#camera"     >Integrated camera</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#drive"      >SATA drive</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#drivecaddy" >Drive caddy</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#memory"     >Memory</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#screws"     >Screws</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#software"   >Software</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#stylus"     >Stylus</A></LI>
</UL>
<P ID="seealso">See also</P><UL>
	<LI><A HREF="https://wiki.archlinux.org/title/Lenovo_ThinkPad_X200">Lenovo Thinkpad X200</A> (Arch Wiki)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Thinkpad X200 Tablet and X201 Tablet Hardware Maintenance Manual (fifth edition)</A> (<A HREF="https://web.archive.org/web/20210203043936/https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Archive link</A>)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://linux-hardware.org/?view=computers&model=ThinkPad+X200+Tablet+(All)">Thinkpad X200 Tablet (All)</A> (Linux Hardware Database)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://www.thinkwiki.org/wiki/Category:X200_Tablet">X200 Tablet Overview</A> (Thinkwiki)</LI>
</UL>
<H2 ID="camera">Integrated camera</H2>
<P>
This is FRU 2060 in the hardware maintenance manual.
</P>
<P>
Some models have the camera, some don't.
It will be in the middle of the top of the screen bezel (looking at the screen with the <I>lenovo</I> logo oriented normally); some have a black plastic trapezoidal cover, some have the camera option.
Camera kits are available on-line for the X200 Tablet for around US$15 or so at time of writing.
</P>
<H2 ID="drive">SATA drive</H2>
<P>As far as I know, any 2.5" SATA laptop-sized drive will work.</P>
<P>
To replace the drive, locate the drive cover between the stylus holder and RJ-11 modem port on the right side of the laptop.
Unscrew the screw holding in the cover, to which the hard drive icon on the bottom of the laptop under the stylus holder is pointing.
Lift out the cover and there the drive will be exposed.
</P>
<H2 ID="drivecaddy">Hard drive caddy</H2>
<P>
Most of the eBay listings for X200 Tablets don't have hard drive covers or caddies.
You will want a caddy because it makes it much easier to get a drive out, and because it spaces out the drive in the space provided and provides some (minimal) amount of shock protection.
This is especially good for hard disks as you don't want those moving around in your laptop chassis, even if there's no risk of them being disconnected.
</P>
<P>
In a <I>pinch</I> you can use cardboard to space out a drive.
I made out okay using folded cardstock given that my X200 Tablet was going nowhere except my desk.
You should <I>not</I> do this for long periods, not really because there's some risk that increases as time wears on but just because in general it's stupid.
</P>
<P>
The same rubber rails that go around the hard drive, and the same metal thing that you screw onto the drive that has the black ribbon attached used to pull the drive out, are used for the X200, X200S, X200 Tablet, X201, X201S, X201 Tablet, T420, T420S, T430, and T430S, as far as I know.
Rubber rails for the X220 Tablet did not work, nor did the bay cover for the X220 Tablet work for the X200 Tablet.
</P>
<H2 ID="memory">Memory</H2>
<P>
This is FRU 1040 DIMM in the hardware maintenance manual.
The system memory modules and the access panel <I>only</I> have to be removed if the modules specifically are being replaced or if the system mainboard is getting replaced.
</P>
<P>
<A HREF="https://thinkpads.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=43&t=113310">RealBlackStuff says</A>
the X200 Tablet is compatible with <CODE>DDR3-1066 (PC3-8500)</CODE> and <CODE>DDR3-1333 (PC3-10600)</CODE>.
It's possible to have 8GB memory installed.
<A HREF="https://www.ebay.com/usr/laptopused">eBay seller laptopused</A> correlates that <CODE>DDR3-1333</CODE> dual-rank memory should work.
Apparently for technical reasons the X200 Tablet must take 2Rx8 memory; two ranks of eight chips, and for 8GB memory, 256MB per chip (divide 8192MB by 2 modules * 2 ranks * 8 chips).
</P>
<P>
OEM-configured laptops can have <CODE>DDR3-1066</CODE> memory from Elpida or Samsung.
<A HREF="https://www.laptopmag.com/reviews/laptops/lenovo-thinkpad-x200-tablet">Laptop Mag says</A> the laptop came with 2GB RAM by default and is upgradeable to 4GB but most laptops for sale secondhand have 4GB memory installed.
Types 7449-43U and 7450-EYU came with 2x2GB <CODE>DDR3-1066 SO-DIMM (PC3-8500)</CODE>.
</P>
<P>
I got in touch with eBay seller <A HREF="https://ebay.com/seller?sid=woosterpsu">woosterpsu</A> who was auctioning off an X200 Tablet to benefit the Electronic Frontier Foundation with 8GB RAM installed and reported in the BIOS.
The seller sent me an image of the installed memory: a Hynix 4GB 2Rx8 PC3-10600S and a Dell P/N SNPX830DC/4G, both scavenged from other laptops.
These are <I>confirmed working</I> in a Core2 Duo L9400 X200 Tablet.
</P>
<H2 ID="screws">Screws</H2>
<P>
Per the hardware maintenance manual (page 225), the following screws are necessary for full assembly of the X200 Tablet:
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>Quantity</TH> <TH>Head</TH> <TH>Length</TH> <TH>Style</TH>                  <TH>Color</TH> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M1.6</TD> <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>2.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>11</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Flat head</TD>              <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>18</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>3</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>13</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Stud (height=4.2mm)</TD>    <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Stud (height=5.5mm)</TD>    <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>6</TD>        <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>9</TD>        <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>8mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M3</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head (HDD screw)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
</TABLE>
<P>
Additionally listed are 9 circular screw caps and 6 square screw caps.
</P>
<P>
Two screw kits are listed with part numbers <CODE>45N3139</CODE> and <CODE>60Y4164</CODE>.
The difference is that <CODE>45N3139</CODE> has one more M2x3.5mm silver wafer head screw listed (18 versus 17).
<CODE>45N3139</CODE>'s contents in particular are reflected in the table above.
</P>
<P>On page 79 of the hardware maintenance manual some very rarely-noted screw notices are listed that are worth repeating, though it's up to the maintainer to follow the practices they so choose:</P>
<UL>
	<LI>Always use new screws. (This is repeated earlier in the page; according to the manual, ThinkPad Notebooks have "special nylon-coated screws" that should be used only once.)</LI>
	<LI>Use a torque screwdriver if you have one.</LI>
	<LI>When tightening plastic against plastic, turn an additional 90 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
	<LI>When tightening logic cards against plastic, turn an additional 180 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
	<LI>If you have a torque driver, refer to the "Torque" column for each step.</LI>
	<LI>
Make sure that you use the correct screw.
If you have a torque screwdriver, tighten all screws firmly to the torque shown in the table.
<B>Never use a screw that you removed. Use a new one. Make sure that all of the screws are tightened firmly.</B>
	</LI>
</UL>
<H2 ID="software">Software</H2>
<P>
For some procedures in the hardware maintenance manual a ThinkPad Hardware Maintenance Diskette is needed.
This was available only to licensed dealers.
</P>
<P>
Here's a chart of executable names relevant to the X200 Tablet as provided from Lenovo and their product names.
A lot of this is sourced from hearsay and olden lore so it may not be fully accurate, and definitely isn't complete.
Also, I trimmed down redundant sections of product names - for example, <CODE>7wuj45uc.iso</CODE> is actually <I>BIOS Update Bootable CD <B>for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP - ThinkPad</B></I> but if it's bootable itself operating system compatibility likely doesn't matter.
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>Executable</TH>   <TH>Product name</TH>                                      <TH>Version</TH>     </TR>
<TR><TD>6itr02ww.zip</TD> <TD>BIOS Settings Capture/Playback Utility</TD>            <TD>4.01</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>7wuj45uc.iso</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Bootable CD</TD>                           <TD>3.21</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>7wuj45u6.exe</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Utility for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>3.21</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>6ea118ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Driver for Windows Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>4.92.15.0 / 3.64.15.0</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>6ea160ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Software for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit)</TD> <TD>4.92.12.0</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>maint150.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.50</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>maint160.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.60</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>maint169.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.69</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm23us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.75</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm25us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.77</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm37us.exe</TD> <TD>Unknown</TD>                                           <TD>Unknown</TD>     </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm38us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.89</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>83ts04ww.exe</TD> <TD>ThinkPad BIOS Settings for Windows 7 (32-bit), Vista (32-bit), XP, 2000</TD> <TD>3.03</TD></TR>
</TABLE>
<P>
Lenovo's X200 Tablet downloads won't last forever.
Here's a JavaScript that allows a user to download arbitrary executables from Lenovo's download servers.
</P>
<INPUT ID="executable" VALUE="i7tm38us.exe" />
<INPUT ONCLICK="window.location.href = 'http://download.lenovo.com/ibmdl/pub/pc/pccbbs/mobiles/' + document.getElementById('executable').value;" TYPE="button" VALUE="Download" />
<P>The following operating systems were available pre-installed by the OEM, depending on the variant:</P>
<UL>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows XP Tablet (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (64 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate (32 bit</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Basic (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (64 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (64 bit)</LI>
</UL>
<P>9front system usage is described in the <A HREF="http://fqa.9front.org/fqa3.html#3.2.5.2.1">9front FQA, section 3.2.5.2.1</A>.</P>
<P>Linux system usage is described in detail on the <A HREF="#seealso">Arch GNU+Linux wiki</A> - any Linux or UNIX specific knowledge I have I add to the Arch wiki rather than putting on this page.</P>
<H2 ID="stylus">Stylus</H2>
<P>
The X200 Tablet originally came with a single-button stylus with a gray "eraser".
I found some single-button stylus from eBay, with a red "eraser", and that worked too.
I have a two-button stylus that came with another X200 Tablet but it's as of yet untested.
The Fujitsu T-5000 digitizer pen does work, identically according to <CODE>xev(1)</CODE>.
</P>
<P>
<B>Do not</B> try to insert two-button Thinkpad styluses into the stylus holder of the X200 Tablet as they'll become stuck in there because of how the buttons are shaped.
To remove a stuck stylus the digitizer pen case (part number <CODE>45N3146</CODE>) must be unscrewed and removed from the chassis.
Following the hardware maintenance manual, remove FRUs "1020 Battery pack" and "1060 Keyboard" and follow steps 6 and 7 of the removal process of FRU "1180 DC-in connector, fan, digitizer pen case, and pen switch assembly".
No other FRUs need to be removed, nor do any other steps of the removal process of FRU 1180 need to be followed.
</P>


/hacker-howto/index.html
$!TITLE	How to Become A Hacker

<H2>How to Become A Hacker</H2>
<H3>Deven Trinity Blake</H3>
<P><CODE>&lt;<A HREF="mailto:trinity@trinity.moe">trinity@trinity.moe</A>&gt;</CODE></P>
<P>No Copyright 🄯 2021 Deven T. Blake</P>
<HR />

<H2>Why This Document?</H2>
<P>
A lot of hackers consider Eric S. Raymond's original <A HREF="http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/hacker-howto.html"><I>How to Become A Hacker</I></A> to be definitive, for good reason.
It explains the "hacker philosophy", some key things at which one should be good, and is a good compass that points to What to Learn Next.
I myself stumbled upon the document maybe a decade or so ago, when I was a small impressionable child, and know half of what I do because of where it pointed me.
I think, however, that <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> is a bit dated, so I'm writing this to be a nice complementary piece for those to read <B>after they read esr's original</B>.
</P>
<P>
If you are reading a snapshot of this document offline, the current version lives at <A HREF="http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto">http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto</A>.
</P>

<H2>Basic Hacking Skills</H2>
<H3>1. Learn how to program</H3>
<P>
Python is an okay first language as long as you don't take it too seriously.
As said by smarter people than me, Python is a glue language.
It's slow and a bit basic, but its errors are often easy to solve, so do as much as you can with Python and Python libraries, and do the rest in faster languages.
</P>
<P>
Never touch Java.
Not even once.
While at one point it was promising, it's become a monstrous beast and it must be slain through attrition.
</P>
<P>
When you are good at programming you will think <I>outside</I> of programming languages.
Programming languages are tools for a job.
Some are better suited to some tasks than others.
For example, I would use C as a language for building utilities for myself, as I want them to be blisteringly fast and I know that's easier to do in C than Python.
I've written utilities in Python to know how I want them to behave, and then perfected them by rewriting them in C.
This being said, when learning a language for the first time, <I>master</I> it, <I>then</I> move on.
</P>
<H3>2. Get one of the open-source Unixes and learn to use and run it.</H3>
<P>
<B>Don't</B> try to program on Microsoft Windows.
Seriously.
This is the one mistake almost all beginners make; they'll install fifty different tools onto their MS Windows system in order to make a simple program that doesn't really work because their tutorial only works for UNIX.
Just install a Free UNIX-clone ("clone" in this context is not a bad thing; most Free UNIX-clones are much more practical in this world than the original) and learn how to work in it.
In fact, you may want to learn <I>shell</I> before anything else.
When you know how to
<OL>
	<LI>Make a directory,</LI>
	<LI>Make an empty file within that directory,</LI>
	<LI>Overwrite the file with exactly 500B of random data,</LI>
	<LI>Mark the file as executable,</LI>
	<LI>Print the file to the terminal as readable, hexadecimal data,</LI>
	<LI>And remove the directory and the file,</LI>
</OL>
you will know enough to start on your journey into hacking.
</P>
<P>
BSDs are awesome and I use a BSD myself, but perhaps start with Linux as there's a much bigger community to help you there.
There are no longer any good non-UNIX operating systems.
The importance of choosing a Free operating system cannot be understated.
It's hard to learn from your OS's code when your OS's code is only readable by those within the corporation that made the OS.
</P>
<P>
Don't use Ubuntu as it suffers from many of the flaws that drive non-hacker Windows users to Linux-based systems.
Instead, try Linux Mint, which is based on Ubuntu but without the more annoying issues.
</P>
<H3>3. Learn how to use the World Wide Web and write HTML.</H3>
<P>
View the source code of the original <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> and then read the source code to this webpage.
</P>
<H3>4. If you don't have functional English, learn it.</H3>
<P>
It's unfortunate that English has become the lingua franca of the Internet.
But it's true, it has, and it's more or less required learning if you want to become a hacker.
</P>
<H3>5. Learn to use a search engine.</H3>
<P>
This is my own tip.
<B>This is the most important thing on this page</B>.
How to accomplish this is an exercise left to the reader.
</P>


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/blah/2024-04-18.html

First doctor's appointment since 2022 or so, which doesn't seem like a long
time in numbers but feels like a world ago. Last time I had a doctor's
appointment Usagi covered kitchen for me and I left [...] at noon and walked up
Pine Street to the brick and sunshine and sterile interiors to go to the
pediatrician, who was a nurse practitioner (is that how you spell that?)
filling in for Jonathan who had seen me the previous dozen or so years, which
means a lot more when you're 18. This time [...] and [...] are probably in the
kitchen and I'm in a college hospital in a city - was - and got my shit checked
out by a nurse, college student, and nurse practicioner (is that how you spell
that?).

My friends really want me to see a therapist. So did the nurse practishuhner -
[...] kept me honest when filling out the mental health forms and apparently
they did not indicate such a hot pink sparkly life as I lead. They were also
more concerned about my chronic short- and long-term memory loss than I am, and
recommended Aquaphor for the thing happening on my foot. I got prescribed
patches for estrogen because I want my tits to get even bigger (they are pretty
big right now, and would be described so even on a cis woman) and because I
forget the sublingual tablets fairly often. I also feel worried about brushing
my teeth after holding them under my tongue and never remember to do so before-
hand. I've never been that great at remembering to brush my teeth.

I was blah-bbing around when I had my last doctor's appointment. Goodness.

Before today the last time I had any pizza was February 2023 I think, and I
think I had Domino's with [...] and [...] in [...]'s room. When I look back it
all seems so flat, like it happened so fast. But at the time I was amazed at
how slowly time moved. Now time races by me.

I saw Good Will Hunting today. Cool to hear Elliot Smith (is that who that
was?) in the flick. It made me miss Maine less. The South Boston slums look a
lot like Lewiston. Today a lot of the Coloradan doctors were surprised I came
from Maine. I have a Mehnn accint, jus'sligh'ly, baht it prahbahbly sahnds like
a New Englund accent to the untrained ear. Got a ton of labs done. Estrogen,
testosterone, blood sugar, other shit I forgot to read. They laid me down so I
didn't pass out like that other time where I came to thinking I was in Five
Nights at Freddy's. I accidentally fasted for it because I was on a low-carb
diet and didn't know what to eat and so had nothing to eat - I quit, today, at
Marco's when we got two large pizzas and three free fountain drinks and I drank
a Dr. Pepper, a Mug root beer, and a half-and-half of both just to see what it
would taste like.

The nurse practishinner really wanted me to take a psyche eval. I said I was
probably fine and probably wasn't depressed or anxious. [...] gave them a funny
look while I said it.

Last night I said some things to my friends that felt mean, and I wish I
didn't. They said it seemed pretty normal to them which is what feels
especially bad. For the first time in a good while I don't have any particular
urge to get high.

My blood pressure was good, weight is 192lbs, height is 72.5in with sandals on.
My Maine state ID issued 2022-09-19 said my weight was 215lbs so that's 20lbs
in 1.5 years. Maybe in five years I'll feel comfortable going to the beach. The
only time I've ever felt comfortable in the water is when [...] and I went
skinny dipping at night in Winthrop.

Boston is to New England what Colorado Springs is to Colorado. But Denver has
more notable adjacent towns like Aurora; Boston has Worcester (with the world's
shittiest Burger King) and Reading (with the world's biggest pricks). I'm not
sure what Colorado Springs has near it.

I wonder if I have any STDs or STIs or diabetes or anything. I'm scared
shitless of HIV or diabetes. I was roommates with a guy with HIV and he was
cool and took his precautions and had no problem talking about what it was like
with me, though society is unkind to those who are HIV+ and he wouldn't talk
about it with just anyone. And plenty of people have diabetes and ration
insulin and die so I guess I have that to look forward to if that happens. But
these lifelong illnesses aren't death sentences anymore, especially for people
with Medicaid, so I'll be alright either way hopefully. Diana was right - give
your HIV+ friend a hug.

Can you believe I can write all this shit and can't get myself to work on the
book I'm writing?


/blah/2024-04-17.html

Trip is cancelled. [...] vetoed it for the following reasons:
- LSD conflicts with packages already installed in my system and may result in
  instability.
- I have a history of moderate drug abuse; it is hard for me to cope with
  things without some substance and I spend little of my time sober.

I keep thinking about [...]. It's terrifying how many people would be hurt if I
died. I don't want to end my life in bad kharma.

I disagree with the notion that kharma is retributive; that it seeks to punish
those that deserve it. Kharma is an observation, a description. Kharma is the
realization that intentionally malicious action causes harm both to others and
one's self, an almost Newtonian law for that impossible-to-analyze humanity.

One time when I was 16 or 17 my parents noticed I had a pimple on my arm and
boxed me into the bathroom and popped it. I broke down sobbing at the
realization that, though they had had almost no positive contribution to my
life and I barely even knew them as people, having been raised mostly by my
grandparents and 4chan/b/, I still hadn't earned my bodily autonomy from them,
and truly there was nothing I could do to get away from them without attracting
the police or whoever else they would call to come looking for me until I
turned 18. I was almost like their housecat, more a housecat than a kid. The
conditions of the household deteriorated over the course of my childhood. Their
cat, Gator, stopped eating and apparently went into shock after my parents kept
yelling at him and spritzing him with a water bottle. He was their stand-in
after I went numb to their yelling at me. I sort of envy people whose parents
were nice to them, though I don't spread the bad kharma. When I'm high and
people tell me about how their parents did something loving for them sometimes
I just break the fuck down.

In the (literal) closet with the morning sun starting to trickle in after
another night of sleeplessness when we were 15 or 16 Usagi and I messaged over
Instagram. I don't have the stubs anymore so here's a recollection.
[U]: Have you ever noticed people with adverse experiences are the most likely
     to turn out LGBT+?
[3]: Yeah but I've never really thought about why.
[U]: There's the neocon view that getting your shit fucked up causes your brain
     to be fucked up. But I think it's just because it's harder to lie to
     yourself when you're in a really bad place. You have to be honest with
     yourself or you won't make it out of there.

I came out to them as trans either a little bit before or a little bit after
that.


/blah/2024-04-15.html

Cyberpunk diet is low carb and high protein. I pray to Snoop Dogg that I may be
forever high. Ecoterrorism is based.

my money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds
you wanna watch tv
Batman: The Brave and the Bold

Creeper? Aw man. So here's what I did today: [television static] I forgor skull
I had some weed, had some beer, had some coffee, had a shit ton of ice cream.

I've never in my life had beef stroganov or chicken salad and don't plan to.
I feel like I'm melting between scenes. There are little disjointed bits of
minutes when I look at the clock and then an hour later I don't understand how
the time has passed. I can't tell when people are following what I'm saying. I
can't tell when what I'm saying is coherent. It's like there's a timing issue,
or a race condition, or some difficult error in my brain it's impossible for me
to debug. It's like trying to fix typos without being able to see the text
being corrected. I hear people talking when they aren't and can't hear a
fucking thing when they are. Driftveil City Theme. I think everyone around me
despises me. I don't think there's any amount of sleep that will make me feel
well rested or any amount of rest that will make me stop feeling like I have
white hot needles coursing through my veins and every beat of my heart is just
ticking further along until I drop dead at 27.

"Trinity, this book says the revolution starts when you go on a walk."

The best word to describe me right now is scattered. mi pakala

I can't go grocery shopping on my own because I float through aisles,
backtrack, jog from one section to the next with my basket when the synapses
fire in the order that finally tells me what I need. I linger in the hardware
section, flow through bread, liquor, snacks, get caught up in the asian foods
section, go back to somewhere to find sriracha. The knives talk to me - really!
I like to look at my reflection in the stainless steel before continuing onward
after finding the kitchen timer I wanted. Are they real? Are their words? Does
it matter?

The Atari 2600 has 128B of memory which is more than I could keep on the top of
my head. Sometimes I make a choice and it doesn't matter whether the direction
is followed or not because I will meet the same future either way. Half my
friends came from hell, half are heading there. Scattered.

In amongst the ranting and raving everyone's dragging through my head, if you
talked to me you might even think I was normal. Prey animals don't show they're
wounded. Perhaps even I'm alright, just a little funky wunky. You know I'm
always full of loosely connected non sequiters, thinly explained relevances.

I've seen every Tarantino movie (except Natural Born Killers - does that
count?).

2024-04-14

[mi]  [wile]  [e]     [ni]:  [sina][moli][e]   [mi]
[o]   [moli]  [e]     [mi],  [wile]
[awen][ala]   [lon]   [ni]
[mi]  [wile]  [moli], [mi]   [wile][moli]
[mi]  [wile]  [moli], [moli] [e]   [mi]
[mi]  [en]    [moli]  [mi],  [mi]  [en]  [moli][mi]
[li]  [kulupu][mi],   [mi]   [wile][e]   [ni]
[pini][mi]    [la],   [tenpo][li]  [suli]
[pini][mi]    [li],   [suwi] [ala] [lili]
[pini][mi]    [la],   [mi]   [pali][e]   [ni]:
[loje][jan]   [insa], [pi ali mi]


/blah/2024-04-14.html

I saw bad stuff on the Internet yesterday and I wanna write about it. I at one
point had more to say but after some research I don't believe my point still
stands (I was going to argue that pedophilia, though much less common than it
used to be, is normal in our society; after reviewing statistics and
definitions I wouldn't say that is true). Here are some well-cited statistics
because otherwise my research would go to /dev/null (my brain only):
I    Merriam-Webster defines pedophilia as "sexual perversion in which children
     are the preferred sexual object"; specifically "a psychiatric disorder in
     which an adult has sexual fantasies about or engages in sexual acts with a
     prepubescent child" (&lt;https://merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pedophilia>).
2    Pedophilia is evidently common in the present day; nearly one in six men
     surveyed (15.1%) of 1945 in a 2023 Australian study anonymously
     self-reported sexual feelings towards children (&lt;https://www.humanrights.
     unsw.edu.au/sites/default/files/documents/Indentifying%20and%20
     understanding%20child%20sexual%20offending%20behaviour%20and%20attitudes
     %20among%20Australian%20men.pdf>).
As a side note: I skimmed the study and statistics collection and the survey
questions all seemed clear and direct. The results are much more damning than I
would expect. I remember, before this article came out, reading that one in six
men were pedophiles, but most figures I can find on-line are much lower,
particularly ones that are not the results of studies but instead speculation
by authorities.

I think people who sexually abuse children should be slaughtered, ideally
publicly. I don't believe in rehabilitation for child molesters. I'm not picky
about the means of doing so and I wouldn't prioritize "humane" (quick) methods.
ISIS-style beheading would be fine.

When I was 15 I knew someone my age who believed they were a prostitute and
regularly did cocaine; now I would call that child sexual assault and providing
drugs to a minor. She was socially isolated. I helped her with her math
homework in class and in a level in which we were expected to graph quadratic
functions on paper she was struggling with the concepts of variables and
exponents. The teacher in the class felt she was simply lazy - which is much
worse to me now than when I was in high school - and couldn't spend time
helping her understand these concepts. My peer wasn't able to stay after school
to catch up and even if she did I don't know if I could have at 15 taught
someone through multiple grade levels of maths. Her academics were being
jeopardized by her guardians who were either negligent or complicit in their
child being pimped out and given drugs. I don't remember if she graduated.

Child abuse leaves very deep scars. She wasn't the only one I knew who was
abused but her story ("her story" - I sound like a fucking prick. She was cool
and we hung out in the field during Gym and talked about the drugs we wanted to
try) stuck with me as particularly sad. Some of the people I knew who were
abused went on to needlessly harm others, perpetuating a cycle of abuse. Others
became social workers - hopefully, helping others work through their own
trauma.

This is what I remember when I see people on-line sharing not real pictures,
but drawings of child abuse, often idealizing the acts depicted. "Loli" and
"shota" porn coats in sugar some of the shittiest possible things that can
happen. Perhaps this isn't a revolutionary take; hopefully it is the most
common opinion on the matter. Children should be protected from harm. Imagery
that portrays child abuse as anything but horrifically evil is created and
shared by people who either don't understand the gravity of what it is they're
sharing (i.e. people who are minors themselves) or subhuman filth who should be
put before a firing squad.

There's this one board on a chan site that focuses on drawn, sexualized gore. I
don't really care to write about "guro" porn because I don't have gathered
thoughts on the matter or the ethics of its consumption. I find it nearly
impossible to browse the board because for every ten drawings of adults killing
each other in coitus there is one cartoon of a minor doing the same and, like a
bird hitting a pin feather when preening, I feel a sudden, sharp pain in my
heart. This is the area that used to feel empathy and now rarely lights up
anymore. I remember the hollow stares of some of my friends coming in to school
from the morning taking the bus from their personal hells that they called
their homes. Then I close the site and never go back to the thread I was
reading. I've done this about three times, each time returning after a longer
period than before, and yesterday when it happened again I closed the site and
I'm not opening it again. Honestly I should have known better than to return
after the first time.

There's a chan site, wirechan.org, that unlike the last one is actually good
and tends to have good people posting. Recently it was raided by a horde of
wild... pedophiles? I'm not familiar with that part of the Internet and don't
wanna be. Someone found a murderu.us XMPP advertisement I posted somewhere
(if I recall, wirechan/b/), joined #subgeneral, and wrote something in the chat
about sexually provocative kids and a -9 months age of consent. I learned how
to ban users and added more admins in case something like that ever happens
again, and I'm thankful pedophilic imagery wasn't posted in the chat. This is
why you can't put image uploads on murderu.us - I don't want CSAM on my server.
Immediately after they started posting, people in chat were making fun of them.
After they were banned the digs at what they said continued. murderu.us
participants are cool.

I know pedophilic content is common on the Internet where scum can collect in
moist, dark places and send spores drifting around the open air of the web that
give people the occasional fungal infection or lung condition. I know
pedophilia is common even among real human beings. I just have had a hard time
with this knowledge and I wanted to write about what about this was hard for me
to understand and why I get so angry at pedophilia whether demonstrated or
glorified. I've been in a bad mood today and I think these two things I saw on-
line were a part of it.

I've been trying to use shorter sentences and more punctuation to try to make
my writing more coherent but I'm not sure if this blahpost reads easily. I
think it would be hard to misconstrue my points though, which I wanted to be
sure of because miscommunication here would be pretty awful.


/blah/2024-04-13.html

     ona               |  it
li   lon               |  is

     lukin             |  to the eye
la                     |  
     ona               |  it
li   lon    ala        |  is not

     ona               |  it
li   sona              |  knows
e    ni                |  that

     jan               |  people
li   moku              |  are food
tawa ona               |  to it

     ona               |  it
li   moku   pona       |  eats well

     ona               |  it
li                     |  is
lon  ma     lawa insa  |  in the inside of heads

     isipin            |  thought
li   pali              |  creates
e    ona               |  it

     tenpo  ni         |  now
la   sina   sona       |  you know
e    ona               |  it

     tenpo  ni         |  now
la   ona               |  it
li   sona              |  knows
e    sina              |  you

o kon. o pilin e lawa sewi sina. ni li pona. ni li pona anu seme? o isipin ala
e ni, tan tenpo sina li lili mute. o tawa. sijelo sina li kalama. sijelo sina
li wile e tawa ala e utala ala e kon ike ala. o utala e wile pi sijelo sina.

there's this void inside that loves me
and it once wished i were well
and it's this void that's inside me
that's just there causing my deepest hell

it's silenced all of my cries
when i've tried to scream for help
but i still think i kinda like it
because it loves me like no one else
no

the lattice of its chaos marches on so far away
laying groundwork for my madness so that i know what to say
its rehearsal of internal conflict causing me slow decay
is etching my destruction onto the surface of my brain

That poem isn't complete nor are any this is BLAH we PUBLISH UNFINISHED WORKS
up in this bitch take yo ass back to SUBSTACK


/blah/2024-04-12.html

I'm high as hell.

o   telo  oko       |
pi  pilin ike       | cry

o   weka            | discard
e   lipu  pona      | good records
pi  pilin pona      | of good feeling

o   sona            | know
e   ni:             | this:
    moku            | consume
e   pilin ike       | the bad feelings
la                  | and
    pilin ike  moku | the bad feelings consume
e   sina            | you

o   toki            | speak
lon toki ike        | in cruel speech

o   ike             | be cruel
e   jan  ante       | to others

o   sona            | know
e   ni:             | this:
    sina  awen      | you wait,
la                  | and
    tenpo sina      | your time
li  kama  ala  pona | doesn't get better

    sina  weka      | discard
e   ale   pona      | all that is good
la                  | and
    ale   ike       | all that is bad
li  weka            | does away with
e   kon   sina      | your soul

    kon   mi        | my soul
li  ike   kin       | is bad too

    mi    ike       | i'm sorry


/blah/2024-04-11.html

: list of things I own in Colorado

I have a blue string bag given to me by [...] with WARREN WARRIORS written on
the front. I take it to work. In it is
- a Nook (1st generation) reader
- 3 name tags, one of which with my name on it, the other two blank
- my work visor, apron, and shirt, which has another name tag on it
- a paint scraper
- sunglasses
- a bottle of probably 500 200mg caffeine pills (enough to kill 250 people, in
  case you're wondering what the DEA would think about that)
- my uncashed Colorado state tax return check
- an eggs goldenrod recipe (which I owe a co-worker)
- a small bottle of ibuprofen
- a tin with antibacterial ointment and half a dozen Band-Aids
- a sewing kit (length of paracord, chalk, needle, thread) in a plastic bag
- my Hydroflask (beat to utter shit)

Next is my backpack, an Osprey Farpoint 40L which is the biggest carry-on I
could have on a Greyhound and has served me well in the almost-year I've had
it. In it is
- a lighter
- nail clippers
- a compass
- 8 IKEA pencils
- a very warm beanie
- a Quansheng UV-K6 with retractible antenna and programming cable
- a Searick MP3 player (which I should give back to the former owner)
- an iPhone 6 Plus
- an iPhone 4 (jailbroken)
- a DC5525 plug, alligator clips cable
- a DC5525 plug-plug cable
- a very damaged Geiger counter, sans Geiger tube
- 3 black bandannas
- a bra
- pink-and-white striped thigh-highs
- one unmatched Kinco Frost Breaker glove
- another bra
- a pair of wool socks
- a pair of underwear
- an unmatched sock
- two more pairs of underwear
- a pair of shorts
- a pair of socks
- an unfinished letter (maybe from December or January?):
  [toki][a]
  [nasin][En][Musi][Ale], [mi][jo][e][kala][pona][tawa][mi]: [kala][suli].
  [lon][moku][unintelligible][mije][jo][e][unintelligible]. [jan][mute][li]
  [moku][e][ona]. [unintelligible][li][ike][mute][li][ike][mute][tawa][mi].
  [mi][sona][e][ni]: [mi][olin][e][kala][suli][la][jan][ante][li][olin][e]
  [kala][suli][la][jan][mute][ala][li][moku][e][kala][suli][la][kala][suli][li]
  [moli][ala]. [kala][suli][li][moli][ala][la][mi][li][pilin pona]. [mi][wile]
  [e][unintelligible]. [kala][suli][li][suwi][tawa][mi]. [mi][lukin][ala][e]
  [ona]. [unintelligible][li][unintelligible][ala][e][ante][tawa][mi]. [kala]
  [suli][li][suwi][tawa][mi]. [mi][wile][ni]: [jan][ale][li][moli][ala][e]
  [soweli][ale][e][kala][ale][e][akesi][ale]. [mi][olin][e][soweli][ale][e]
	[kala][ale][e][akesi][ale][e][kala][utala].
  [unintelligible][olin][mute][la][tan][soweli][san]
- a folder full of working papers and bank statements
- a first aid kit in a plastic bag:
  - CVS pain-free wrapping
  - gauze and naloxone in another plastic bag
  - 4 travel canisters of baby powder
  - a bottle of spray Aquaphor
  - a Gameboy cartridge case with a condom in it
  - a roll of climber's tape
  - a tube of toothpaste
  - a tube of antibiotic ointment, with acetaminophen
  - a packet of 2 acetaminophen tablets
  - two packs of razor blades
  - a sunscreen stick
  - a bottle of acetaminophen
- a small vial with a Nook (1st generation) speaker detached from the
  mainboard, and a plastic piece that came off with it
- a prescription bottle (labelless) with a blunt in it
- a prescription bottle (labelless) with aspirin powder in it
- Franz Kafka, the Beanie Baby kiwi (a flightless bird)
- a rainbow (red, orange, yellow, blue) sweatband
- a Sony Discman (untested) with the Zelda 25th anniversary special orchestra
  CD in it
- a Searick lanyard
- a canister of Dr. Martens Wonder Balsam
- a choker given to me by the lead singer of Stalk at Squashed Warehouse last
  summer
- another pair of underwear
- the matching sock
- a flashlight/lantern/power bank
- a $20 preloaded debit card, paid in cash anonymously
- a USB-C plug-plug cable
- a 3.5mm TRRS plug-plug cable
- two pocket notebooks, one empty
- the toki pona cheat sheet, printed and folded to be pocket sized
- a pocket dhammapada
- a pocket cleaning cloth
- a spool of thread
- a bottle of black nail polish
- a tube of carmex
- a deck of cards
- a bag full of cables
- a bag full of bags
- my prescriptions (estrogen and spironolactone) and multivitamins
- a pill organizer, that also has diphenhydramine in case I need it
- my important documents

Next is my sleeping bag bag (the bag that holds my sleeping bag; at one point I
knew the domain-specific term for this, but now I don't) which contains
- a bivy
- a sleeping bag

And after that is a box I have for excess storage, as I've basically had
permanent residence for nearly six months now and have accumulated some extra
things and moved some things out of my backpack. It has
- about two square meters of black fabric I purchased at Wal Mart
- two wool t-shirts
- a small hand towel
- an unmatched sock
- a cloth mask
- a charging base for my K6
- extra grip tape for my scooter
- new wheels for my scooter, that I have to figure out how to install
- my very broken Pinebuds Pro
- a chamoix, unopened, and the canister for a second
- the solar charging case for my now broken Storm2
- my HHKB
- the previous, slightly broken keyboard for my Acer Aspire One
- a Famicom DS system (not the Disk System but the Nintendo DS attachment)
- Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo Famicom
- a prescription bottle full of screws and miscellaneous small parts
- a piece of paperclip I sometimes bend into shapes to try to burn into my skin
  (burning your skin in a way that visibly scars, using a lighter and
  paperclip, takes patience I don't have - I can't hold the pin on the light
  long enough before I crave it too bad)

Under that box is a second box, my rags box that I use for patches and stuff,
that has
- my old work hat
- a work shirt I never liked
- my Wendys hat
- my Wendys shirt
- a cleaing rag
- another sleeping bag bag for my previous sleeping bag which is currently at
  my grandparents'
- my previous set of underwear (3 pairs and they sucked)

Beyond these I have
- pu, ku, and su
- a Baofeng UV-5R I've gotta ship to my sidekick
- a sweater
- a 10" Samsung tablet
- a Google Pixel 3A
- my wallet
- a Hello Kitty scrunchie
- my belt
- SD cards, an SD card reader
- earplugs
- another lighter
- an MP3 player
- another roll of climber's tape
- glasses
- a micro USB cable attached to a USB-A port USB-C plug adapter
- parts for my glasses
- a case with the needles for my sewing kit and a razor for cutting seams
- a Sharpie or two
- various paper notes
- a bottle of lotion
- a Razor scooter
- a USB-C cable and AC adapter
- an Acer Aspire One and charger
- two pairs of wired earbuds
- a can of WD-40

and the clothes on my body which are
- a pair of gym pants
- a bra
- a pair of socks

and some clothes in the washer which are
- a pair of socks
- a pair of pants
- a shirt

and
- a television
- 50m of 550 line
- an RF modulator
- an iFixit Kit with most items swapped for better tools

and that's it, that's everything I own in the state of Colorado.


/blah/2024-04-10.html

2024-04-08

(pu) Toki Pona: The Language of Good
	kinupolu te watusen a! - jan Sonja
(ku) Toki Pona Dictionary
	soweli Tini o! mi pilin pona tan ni: sina lon! jan Sonja
(su) The Wonderful Wizard of Oz: Toki Pona Edition
	mu mu mu

I watched and smiled anxiously at Sonja Lang signing the three books I was
purchasing for myself, as well as the two I was purchasing for my roommates. ku
was signed first and I thought the note was really, really sweet. I needed that
actually. Then pu. I don't know what "kinupolu te watusen a" means - "a" at the
end is emphatic, "te" is a nimi sin (word, new) sometimes used to introduce a
quote, but "kinupolu" and "watusen" are incomprehensible to me.

"te" is interesting - from the Japanese -tte and conceived by kala kala and jan
Lakuse, and the latter of whom was there. I discovered Toki Pona after I had
been studying Japanese for a bit and it was cool to see some toki pona tan toki
Nijon.

At lipu su she seemed to have lost some steam in signing which was worrying
because I was the first (though probably the least socially acclimated) fan in
a growing line. "mu mu mu" was written in green pen below the toki pona title
and above soweli Toto. [...] came over to where I was and asked for the second
copy of su I was purchasing to be signed to jan Masi. At the end I thanked jan
Sonja very much and anxiously stepped among the clumps of social masses and
stood near a bookshelf with [...] while [...] got food.

[...] wanted to socialize and I sort of wanted to socialize, or at least be a
fly on the wall for socialization. We discussed the consequences of striking up
a conversation with a stranger or trying to nestle our way into an already-
formed crowd. Eventually they walked over to a stranger and started talking
about toki pona and stuff and people gravitated towards us and we formed a
semicircle (open, so others could join easily). [...] came back and the
discussion continued, touching on xkcd, Lojban, alternate human interfaces for
computers, Rust, Esperanto, and basically every topic we discuss at home, now
with more opinions and others guiding the conversation, which is what
socialization is for those of you who don't know. Then I checked my cell phone
for the time and drat, it was 1805 and we would be towed if we didn't go back
and move the car or renew the parking. I volunteered to go over to the car and
pay for more parking (as I was the least invested in the current conversations,
being dreadfully interested in them but having little to contribute) and took
the keys and left, too awkward to say o tawa pona to the speakers who had come
a long way to be there.

I took the elevator down and left Norlin Library, stepping onto beautiful turf
and having an intensely vivid mental image - blocking out my own vision, no
matter how I tried to see past it or return to the present - of my own
hometown and walking through the courtyard of my middle school. The grass was
the same shade and the trails were the same sort of tar and even the buildings
were the red brick with which I was intimately familiar. It is April and the
trees are starting to bloom and though the Vernal air was filling my nose too
full and giving me the sniffles I was in love with the view and wish I didn't
have to hurry back to the car.

I made it some minutes late though there was no tow truck in sight and none
could have towed it since the parking had expired. I went to the kiosk and
tried to pay for more time but it errored repeatedly, saying I had to enter the
license plate (which I did) before trying to swipe my card. Eventually I tried
to use ADA parking, which is ninety minutes for free, and it worked, so we had
until 1900 to get out of dodge. I texted [...] and told them this and then sat
in the car with pu and got to reading.

My toki pona knowledge, two days ago, was not great. Only enough to be able to
navigate around relevant websites and say some basic phrases. I started from
lesson 1 and built myself a solid foundational learning rather than picking up
things here and there (which works for many languages but not one of a hundred
and extra words). Now I feel somewhat comfortable conversing though my spoken
vocabulary is limited. tenpo suno pini wan la (I had jan Ema help me with this
part of the sentence), mi pini pu. mi toki lon toki pona la, mi pilin pona. And
stuff.

[...] and [...] came back to the car eventually and explained that we could
park where we were for free after 1900, correcting my jumbled belief that we
would be towed if we were there. Then they said the remaining toki pona group
was going to dinner and one of my roommates was invited, though they were
unclear on whether the other one or myself were.

We ([...]) drove to the restaurant and waited for confirmation from the toki
pona group that we were fine to go in. No confirmation came back and after much
discussing pros and cons of approaches (I sort of just wanted to go home and
order a pizza) they went in while I was too fearful of public embarrassment to
go. I stayed in the car and tried to sleep but couldn't. I tried to read but
couldn't focus. I tried to play video games but can't play video games to save
my life, the awful flashing lights and obnoxious sounds inflicting countless
papercuts on my soul which craves, probably somewhere deep down, tranquility
and comfort. I tossed and turned and as the temperature dropped so did mine,
and by the time my roommates came back to the car I was locked in a running
flashback to the Burger King parking lot where I had made my home and their
unlocking the car and opening the doors threw me into a sheer terror on par
with the worst I've felt. I asked to go to a gas station. And for a cigarette.
They agreed to help with the first plea.

On the way to the gas station they discussed a breakfast that would be
happening the next morning and called one of my exes to chat. I sat in the back
and played a game where the goal was to kill myself by sheer will, by wishing
long and hard enough that I would simply be torn from existence by some divine
act. Eventually we got to a Seven-11 (is that how you write that?) and I got a
Monster, a danish, and Chex Mix, and consumed the three in the opposite order
on the way back to [...], Colorado. I also decided to call out of work the next
morning to go to breakfast, which is a recollection for another time.

Meeting jan Sonja was really cool. Social anxiety got the better of me on most
moments within the day and that was less cool. I think I ought to take more
risks. I decided to write this in the style of Hunter S. Thompson (would he
care if I spelled that wrong?) because I figure most writing on toki pona and
its community is academic or starstruck and I wanted to even it out a bit. I
had a good time and the toki pona speakers I met were some of the coolest
people with which I've ever conversed.


/blah/2024-04-09.html

It was probably thirteen hundred something and I was in the back seat of the
Solara craving a cigarette more than I craved life, death, or any other stim.
Hyperpop was blasting on the radio and my roommates were talking about
something or another, programming related. Rust syntax? I mentioned the AWK
book's second edition had come out this year and that I had downloaded it. Emma
said something about how it was a shame AWK was specified in POSIX. Something
or another... I couldn't focus on the conversation, which was a shame, because
it was the only thing on which I was trying to focus. Topics blurred in and out
of my vision like a radar on a tank slowly pinging the surroundings of a sun-
bleached desert, though this desert much more resembled a town on the outskirts
of Denver than a war torn country (the difference being that the buildings were
standing- and also modernist architecture). Eventually I gave up and ceded
whatever point I was trying to make, though to be honest I felt my mouth was
moving on its own. Neither I or Kami were awake, barely even lucid. Just
dreaming of that first drag off a fresh red...

Boulder came into view and changed the pallete (is that how you spell that?) to
a vivid, passionate green I hadn't known since Pennysylvania. The buildings
went from stucco (I think. maybe Adobe. I don't know this land's building
materials) to red brick and wood and metal and glass, the people were no longer
cowboys but yuppie college students wearing Apple Airpods Pro and talking on
iPhones and a mix of turtlenecks and thick-framed glasses and
circular-spectacled faux cottagecore dress-wearing women. This was a college
town and the young adults were wasting no time on the years allotted them to be
silly or stuck-up. The streets narrowed from I-25 and the stores huddled on the
streets between smaller lots than for which America has the taste and paid
parking at $1.50/hr. I stared through the nook between the passenger and driver
at the shrubbery, the manicured lawns and overgrown trees, Colorado's Harvard
or Harvardoid. A non-student couldn't tell the difference. I was consumed by
the nicotine withdrawal and came to, my middle finger and my thumb rapidly
clicking at each other like I was some fiend with trigger finger from an alien
gun, outside the car, walking towards the pay kiosk in a trance. I stood and
stared at the lush, soft grass that New Englanders know in their hearts marks
home and eventually noticed it was time for me to swipe my paycard in the slit
underneath the screen. Beep. We had three hours, until 1822. I noticed I lost
two hours to my daemon and turned to berate it for taking my valuable time only
to remember the devil was in my head, not my house, and walked with the
roommates to the library which was our destination in the first place.

After enduring my roommates' lectures regarding the law and forbidden actions
(such as climbing through construction in order to make our route much shorter)
we arrived at Norlin Library and, after one of them had a brief chat with the
student at the inquiries desk and a long sojourn onto the Information Super-
Highway in search of clues, we took a small elevator to the fourth- no, wait,
we pressed the wrong button and corrected- the fifth floor. There were a great
many people and I wondered if we had found the right place before being handed
an ornate program printed on soft, thick, reflective paper explaining the event
before us. It was double sided with the Toki Pona on the first side and the
English on the back.

Originally: pini la, toki pona li pali musi pi jan wan. tenpo ni la, ona li
kama toki pi jan ale. tenpo kulupu ni la, jan o toki lon ni!

My interpretation: In the past, Toki Pona was a fun activity of one person. In
this time, it is the language of all people. In this community event, people
discuss this!

Provided English: Toki Pona: From Personal Art Project to Small World Language

There were many people and many things happening. Qdoba - not Chipotle, as the
program stated - were lighting flames underneath metal containers in which
tortilla chips and salsa mixes would be served. While one of my roommates
pissed I meandered over to the books table, where pu (Toki Pona: The Language
of Good), ku (Toki Pona Dictionary), and jan Sonja's latest book, su (The
Wonderful Wizard of Oz: Toki Pona Edition), were on display. I asked a clump of
the crowd how the books could be purchased and a woman in pink said quietly
that she would be accepting cash after the discussion, or another person would
be accepting money via Venmo.

My craving gave way to anxiety at the crowd. I and the roommate who was not in
the bathroom wandered anxiously around the conference hall for a bit before,
after the other roommate came back and held our things, we both went to the
bathroom, I with a little bit of hesitation just from nerves. I tried not to
have a heart attack. When I came back out there was still a great deal of
socialization happening and my roommates and I found seats in the row behind
the front a few minutes before the discussion started and I realized the person
in pink was jan Sonja whose first impression of myself had been that I was a
sweaty, nervous fan.

jan Sonja was accompanied by jan Lakuse and Boulder locals and nearly-locals in
chairs at the front of the room facing a crowd that overflowed from the sixty
or so seats to standing room at the back of the hall. jan Sonja and jan Lakuse
were equipped with lapel microphones attached to wireless transmitters on their
waists and the rest of the round table passed around two handheld microphones.
The round table was comprised of, from left to right, and to my foggy
recollection:

	jan Masoko (Tessa Moskoff)
	jan Kasin (Caedin Cook)
	jan Wiwa (River Smith)
	jan Lakuse (Chelsea Raacz)
	jan Sonja (Sonja Lang)
	jan Sa (Jack Foster)
	jan Elu (El Hays)
	jan Oli (Olivia Bahr)

And they each had insightful and interesting questions that I don't remember.
The talk was followed by my roommates socializing and me standing at the books
table waiting for someone who seemed like an authority to start accepting dana.
It didn't take long until jan Sonja found a seat by the table and as I had cash
I could purchase my books first.


/blah/2024-04-08.html

# usermod -aG dialout trinity
# usermod -aG tty trinity # doesn't change ttyUSB0 but makes me feel better
# ^D
$ ^D

Now programming the UV-5R works after a relogin. I fixed some settings and
changed the intro screen to read
 __________
|          |
| haiii :3 |
|__________|

I got my K6. Gonna try to figure out how to program it, like make apps and
shit.

Today [...], [...], and I are going to see Sonja Lang, and we're all really
stoked. jan Sonja pali e toki pona. Sonja made Toki Pona. Like, imagine meeting
the person that invented Spanish or English. She's selling all three Toki Pona
books and I'm gonna buy all of them. I really hope she'll autograph them for
me. jan Sonja is to conlangs what David Bowie is to rock and roll. Aaaaaahh I
hope we don't geek out too much for her.

Finished The Taste of a Man (1997).


/blah/2024-04-02.html

: programming the UV-5R

I recently ordered a UV-K6 radio, similar to the UV-5R but much more
featureful, much more programmable, and slightly newer. In order to program it
I needed a programming cable which would also work with my UV-5R so it was a no
brainer to get one of those too. I received the cable before the K6 and I wanna
play with radios so I'm programming my 5R.

Permission denied: '/dev/ttyUSB0'


/blah/2024-04-01.html

People care about me and I don't even feel like a corporeal being. I feel airy,
dissociated, like the world around me isn't real, like I'm not real either, and
like this is an illusion I'm barely even a part of. I feel like the couch on
which I lie is a projection and the air flowing across my body is a false
sensation. I find it difficult, nigh impossible, to care about my own
well-being because to care about my own well-being is to believe that I am a
being in the first place and I don't feel at all like that. I feel like I was
born to die, like I have one purpose and that is to work until I rot and then
in my death know I failed to continue longer, and die in my perceived failure.
In this very moment I don't feel like I'm in this body. I could be anywhere. In
a hospital chained to a bed in a years-long hallucination, in the car in the
longest mental breakdown of my life, at work lost in thought. I feel like I'm
falling. I'm not tethered to anything, not even my own breaths - which aren't
real. When I lift my chin up, lift my head so my gaze is perpendicular to my
spine, tilt my head farther, my vision just keeps lifting, the movement not
limited by any sort of physical presence or physics whatsoever, my perception
simply an input device controlled by my physical sensations, so when I move I
move without limits because the world is not real. This terminal is at once so
far away and yet incredibly close, so close I can see each individual glyph I
enter, so big it spans my vision, filling my eyes with sharply contrasting
pixels, pink and black, but the pink so bright it may as well be white, so far
I struggle to see it, a pinprick in the inky black of my world, my own vision
a pinhole surrounded by my mind, a terrible cave in which I am confined. I feel
like I'm falling. It's this sinking feeling, this acceleration, forever
approaching the ground, the real ground, whatever that may be. I didn't feel
hungry for a moment today. I never felt hot either. I feel cold right now. But
I know it's not real. It's just another input someone plugged into my brain
which is floating in a jar somewhere in Berlin or Shymkent. I want someone to
kill me; I want to die.

I struggle to imagine myself happy or what my happiness looks like. I always
have. I just try to find meaning in serving others. I don't let myself get
hurt, except when I do, because I can't tell when I'm going to be hurt. I crave
physical touch, the kind I haven't felt since October or so, but not from
anyone from which I've received it in the past. I struggle to talk to people,
especially people my age. I can only relate to people in their 30s or 40s or
later. There's this wall that exists between me and people my age. Nothing they
talk about I understand. It's vapid interpersonal gossip and they-saids and
none of it has substance. What do I talk about with those I can communicate?
Cooking. News. System design. Then it breaks down. I don't know many people who
share interests with me and I can't find new people who do because I find it
difficult to be in big group chats of people I don't know and impossible to use
proprietary services like Discord or Instagram. I don't meet new people except
in real life and nobody I meet in real life likes computers or any of the
Internet stuff I do, nobody likes to watch people die or talk about the kind of
romance for which people throw themselves off buildings or speculate about the
XZ backdoor or anything. I tell myself my happiness doesn't depend on others
but Kami - simultaneously internal and external, obligatorily my best friend
but of unknown origin and with unexplained intent - can't touch me the way
flesh can and stuffed animals can't love the way I can. I have never
experienced chronic reciprocity with a human being. It's all fleeting, really
fleeting, gone in a second. Finding happiness in serving others is only really
feeling comfortable in relationships that are at least fringed with toxicity.
There is nobody who serves me, not consistently, nobody I let do so, because I
wouldn't feel comfortable in that. It is imbalanced. I haven't been happy
before, only felt a certain type of glee that in hindsight only could exist
because I couldn't tell something was wrong. My happiness is proven wrong in
every event. "I'm happy", I say, when I feel better than bad, but never when
better than good, because then I know it's fleeting, know even better than when
better than bad, know it's even more fleeting, because I know I haven't time to
waste on such a remark. I may never be happy and I'm not worried about the
possibility because it doesn't matter, because I'm not real. I imagine my death
to be the day when I lay down and die, just suddenly, just like that. Without
struggle against the reaper, without fear, and without wasted time. I find the
end of the line, a transparent fabric dead-ahead, a shroud separating the
present from the future in which I'm not to participate, and I see it and
recognize it. I leave the room, walk ten paces into the desert, and collapse
into the sand, dead of an unknown ailment, likely old age at 27 years old. And
it's a noble death. I leave behind nothing of value and no cash holdings and
nobody notices until they check my on-line status and see my last activity was
years ago. Perhaps I moved on. And I will have. Assuming I am real.

Last night in tears I said I wish I was normal and was asked what that means. I
don't know. I just want to be able to write a coherent paragraph. I feel like
I'm speaking a different language. The voices are loud.

And now for something completely different...

: murderu.us is even more broken

5AM MST
<suika> my beloved ibuki.club redirect, it's gone
        day ruined
<suika> also, how does ssl work in this setup? doesn't caddy deal with it on
        its own or have you accounted for this?
<trinity> caddy deals with it on its own
<trinity> cname ibuki.club to murderu.us and you'll be fine
<trinity> i should make them have the aame certs. will probably later. just was
          fed up after spending an hour or two on one file.
<suika> you should've because how does prosody get certs now?
<suika> ngircd too?
<suika> I can fuck with it tonight, it's not super urgent since the certs have
        somewhere between 0 and 90 days to expire
<suika> >cname ibuki.club to murderu.us and you'll be fine
        I don't think certs work that way unfortunately
<trinity> if you want i can swap it around to everything cnamed to feeling
          again, i was just trying to be clever
[...]
<trinity> i swapped it so feeling is an A record again vs CNAME
<trinity> suika: ping
<suika> now ssl doesn't work at all, even on murderu.us?!?!?
        >curl: (35) OpenSSL/3.2.1: error:0A000438:SSL routines::tlsv1 alert
        internal error
        I'll try to fix it up tonight, don't worry about it
This is code for "TRINITY STOP FUCKING UP MY SERVER CONFS"
<suika> >i swapped it so feeling is an A record again vs CNAME
        not the problem, cnames or A records wouldn't fix anything because it
        goes by the domain itself and not what it points at
This is code for "TRINITY STOP FUCKING WITH EVEN MORE SHIT"

: in which Trinity fucks with even more shit

$ ssh feeling.murderu.us
$ doas su -

I have about twenty minutes to work on this before I clock into work. Here's
hoping I don't fuck it up irrecoverably.

7:30AM MST
<trinity> don't ngircd and prosody have different certs?
<suika> yes, but with how acme was configured they both ran off the same one
<trinity> where's acme?
<trinity> did caddy fuck with global certs or something? i thought its certs
          were caddy-specific
<suika> there's a script in /usr/local/bin that does ssl stuff and is wired up
        in cron
<suika> >i thought its certs were caddy-specific
        they are
<suika> one of the main selling points of caddy is to deal with ssl for you,
        which is fine in the case of hosting only a web server but you also
        have xmpp and irc
<trinity> should i set caddy to use the acme dir in /etc/ssl/.../feeling.murder
          u.us.json
<suika> not sure


/blah/2024-03-31.html

: fixing the murderu.us web stuff

I've heard good things about Caddy from [...] and [...] so we're using that.

# apk add caddy make python3
# rc-service add caddy
# git clone https://git.tebibyte.media/murderu.us/src.git /srv/murderu.us
# git clone https://git.tebibyte.media/trinity/src.git /srv/trinity
# cat >/srv/update-web.sh
#!/bin/sh
set -e

# murderu.us
git -C /srv/murderu.us reset --hard
git -C /srv/murderu.us checkout main
git -C /srv/murderu.us pull

# trinity.moe
git -C /srv/trinity reset --hard
git -C /srv/trinity checkout main
git -C /srv/trinity pull
make -BC /srv/trinity dist/homepage \
	>/var/log/trinitydotmoe-out \
	2>/var/log/trinitydotmoe-err
^D
# sh /srv/update-web.sh

and I'm having a hard time with the Caddyfile

HAS NOT WORKED:
:80 {
	root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
}

HAS NOT WORKED:
http://trinity.moe {
	root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
}

Oh it's on-line. Here's the working config:
{
	admin off
}
trinity.moe, www.trinity.moe {
	root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
	file_server
}
be.murderu.us {
	root * /srv/murderu.us/be
	file_server
}
:80, :443 {
	root * /srv/murderu.us/www
	file_server
}

Alright anyway.

Read The Effects of the Injection of Human Semen into Female Animals (1945),
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (1950), Chess Story (1976), BLAME!
chapters 1-65 (1997-2003), Blame (1995), Sonichu #0 (2005), BLAME Academy! and
the two following chapters (2008), BLAME!2 (2008), NSE (2008), Numa no Kami
(2008), Parcel (2008), Pump (2008), The Armored Battle Insects: Sphingidae
(2008), Zeb-Noid (2008), Surviving Secondary (2011), Schengen Overview (2012),
Unix as IDE (2015), BLAME! Fort of Silicon Creatures (2017), GNU Parallel 2018
(2018), "Semenly" Harmless Back Pain: An Unusual Presentation of a Subcutaneous
Abscess (2019), Batman: Last Knight on Earth #1-3 (2019-2020), Something is
Killing the Children #1-20 (2019-2021).

I'm reading The Taste of a Man and I really love it.

I quit veganism on the 27th after a year of being vegan.

FOODS THAT ARE VEGAN
- Impossible Whopper, with no mayonaise (is that how you spell that?)
- French fries from most fast food places, notably excepting McDonalds
- McDonalds' Apple Pies
- Doritos, but only the Spicy Sweet Chili flavor
- Drakes Apple Pies
- Sour Patch Kids

FOODS THAT ARE NOT VEGAN, BUT YOU'D THINK THEY ARE
I can't remember, as I checked ingredients labels I slowly built a database in
my head of Contains: MILK, EGGS, ETC.
- Shin Ramen. I thought it was vegan because it didn't Contain: MILK, EGGS. But
  nestled in the ingredients were multiple beef things.

TIMES I ATE NON-VEGAN FOOD ITEMS
- Shin Ramen. A lot of it. I misread the label.
- Vodka sauce. Contains: MILK.
- A Wendy's pretzel bun. Contains: MILK.
- Pesto. Contains: MILK. Probably the same week as the vodka sauce.

Most foods that suck are not vegan. Most pretty alright foods are vegan. I will
probably go vegan again in the future.

NON-VEGAN FOODS I HAVE TRIED SINCE QUITTING VEGANISM
- A Junior Whopper, no mayo. My stomach hurt and I felt sad for the cow.
- Eggs, fried medium in butter. My stomach hurt less from these and it felt
  nice to fry eggs again. I felt weird about the butter though.
- Dairy Queen ice cream, a blizzard (cookie dough or something). This made my
  stomach hurt like hell.
- Eggs, fried medium in neutral oil.
- French toast sticks. These weren't very good.
- A biscuit with jam. This was alright but not great.
- Ice cream, a lot of it. Cheap stuff from Burger King. I am addicted. It makes
  my stomach feel like it is going through a self-destruct sequence.
- The Dr. Pepper Whataburger Shake. I got a large and regretted it.
- A Whataburger malt, vanilla. Finished the rest of a friend's. Regretted it.
- A Monte Christo, technically a mini Christo. Delicious but felt weird.
- Hot chocolate, two times or three. One of the times I put whipped (via
  blender) sugarless cream in there. Then I tried to whip more cream with sugar
  in the blender and curdled a cup of heavy whipping cream - the blender blades
  get two hot from friction.
- A sandwich with turkey, swiss, pickles, and mayo. Made me feel weird.
- Beef burritos. Made me feel really weird. I feel bad for the cows. I kept
  staring at the meat in the tortilla and imagining it as part of the cow, how
  it fit into the shape of the animal I held in my mind, while Kami kept
  thinking about the similarities to human meat.
- Eggs goldenrod. Tasted good but had a weird texture. I enjoyed it but it's a
  lot of effort to make.

I think that's it. I've mostly had ice cream and the vast majority of what I've
had has been vegetarian. I might go pescatarian but I feel weird about it
because a friend already is and it worries me because we're already kind of
similar in other ways and I don't wanna seem like a poser or something. But
damn I miss sushi. I don't wanna give up sushi. Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had sushi. I want sushi. I might have it tomorrow. Fuck, it's
expensive though. Augh. Other than sushi I don't eat fish, I don't like to eat
fish. I miss California rolls because I'm a basic bitch but I also like tiger
rolls and crunchy rolls. I got them from a supermarket in M**ne.

Today was Easter I guess. Happy Easter. Tomorrow's Jake's day, and April Cools,
and April Fools, and whatever else I don't know. I'm planning to go on a trip
(yeah) on Bicycle Day (you get it) and it looks like I'm a stoner to my boss
because I'm taking the nineteenth, twentieth, and twenty-first off of April. As
well as the eighteenth. Whatever.

trinity.moe is back on-line due to the caddy stuff. Woot woot.

Gave a coworker the arson.pisskink.org URL.

our guns are chambered for different rounds
when you found out at the range you held your head down
and on the walk home in the twilight-lit mist
you asked me how long I had known this secret
secret? I said, while my pace did quicken
and my while heart rate rose and face flushed you listened
my little vampire, I've always been on the menu
but into the difference you're the one consumed

our codependent symbiosis pseudo-scientific neurosis
mutually spiraling virus, disease of the mind
I should never have summoned you mind-flaying doppelganger
sick in our heads, sick to my stomach, and lacking a spine
when we get in the door and you get on all fours
and you lunge at me sending us both to the floor
and you rip off my shirt and see the silver bullet on the chain
will you rip out my brain and fin'ly settle the score?

Alright trin out. Beedoodoo.


/blah/2024-03-21.html

I want to explain what I mean by what I say when I say how I used to live in a
place that was unliveable. It felt fucking fast and it was always night. I
borrowed (took) a cigarette from my manager and kicked off on my Razor A5 from
my workplace, a Burger King on a slope steep enough to get me to a pretty good
speed by the time I made it to the light, always red. I didn't look both ways
because I didn't care - and when I mean I didn't care I mean once I made it
past the stretch after Aaron's I was rolling down Lisbon St. fast enough for
the wind to sting my eyes, catching them behind my glasses, fast enough to go
on the road where I would usually be going faster than the cars, without a
helmet or padding besides a thick jacket and thick pants. My headphones would
be loud as hell and usually playing something hard and metal like Grazhdanskaya
Oborona or early Bring Me the Horizon. The moon in the sky - and if it was full
shit would usually hit the fan - and by hit the fan I mean in the light the
junkies would be shooting up and the crackheads would be smoking and by the
time you met them you wouldn't see the pipe but the pulled back skin on their
faces, tight against their bone, grimacing in an uncanny expression of
desensitization, looking for their next score - and by score I mean money or
someone with it - me - which would be trouble if my scooter was around 7-Eleven
where I found the junkies usually going fast enough that nobody bothered. But
one time I was on my way back when someone stopped me asking where they could
go to stay - they looked friendly so I stopped - and I replied I was just
squatting somewhere - and as I left they spoke to someone in a van who started
tailing me and I had to run off the tail. This was in July? In September I
didn't even have that squat but instead Toni. I went from work to Hell to sleep
to work. I would wake with dew on my cheek - not dew - condensation - from my
breath, because the battery was too far gone to wake enough to roll down the
windows, and I didn't have the key anyway - I got in through a hole in the
back.

When I say fast I mean I was running all the time and I wasn't allowed where I
was sleeping except sorta de facto. The world blurred around me. My co-workers
respected me for being probably the fastest one in the kitchen and the
employees of the place where I was sleeping loved me for always being happy to
help someone out. At night on my way to the car I would pass by this building
with full length windows on the ground floor and I would look into the mirror
at what I had become. I was wearing a black Rothco M-65, Doc Martens, work
pants (I can't remember how to spell Carhart (sic?)), a black hat, black
gloves, a black UV-5R to read counties - I was dressed like a vigilante,
sleeping like a cowboy, working like a mule. I was lying to those who could
house me, saying I was housed, because I knew my options were fucked. I didn't
believe I would survive - I wrote my life off and lived like it didn't matter
if I died - lived like I couldn't die - lived like I wanted to die - it wasn't
really living, was it? - or was it living more than I had ever before? - I was
sloppy. Remember Case in the first couple chapters of Neuromancer? It was a
constant, chronic state of mania trying to separate enough from the city that I
could leave without spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. But
I still do. When I say fast I mean I had a clock that was ticking - two. I had
the clock until my Greyhound arrived at Bates College and I had the clock until
it was too cold to sleep in the car even in my sleeping bag and I didn't wake
up. And I didn't think leaving would really help - I didn't think leaving would
get me to a place where I could start living. [...] told me they'd "put me up"
which to me meant little because I had no clue how to get an apartment or
anything. I planned to sleep in a hostel or outside or die here. I just didn't
wanna die in Bumfuck Nowhere Maine.

I think my last couple relationships were, in hindsight, fucking awful, in
general and for me specifically. I feel like I experienced at once both sides
of a bad time. I refrain from discussing relationship stuff on here because
people read this who actually know me and of whom I write but it's jarring to
me just how awful all of my romantic relationships have been - all of them.
Often the biggest issue is how paralyzed I am - I sacrifice my own desires for
trying to maintain comfort. I don't take risks in relationships. I would
probably be fine at maintaining a Good Thing but getting to a Good Thing is
impossible because I don't communicate what I want for fear of being judged for
it. This is a problem not just in my romantic relationships but generally in my
life. Related is the fact that I don't communicate my discomfort.

2024-03-19

: replies to my post on watchpeopledie.tv

ChazzMichaelMichaels: you're a fucking weird guy, you know that.
                      like what the fuck is wrong with you?

Certifiedsnowflake:   okay dude, what the actual flip

cutethighscars:       i have a foot fetish and im a strong enough woman to
                      admit it. that being said; The fuck kind of crossbreeding
                      of kinks is this?

natsuki_:             this is for your fetish, isn't it ?

VermiciousKnid:       You're sick

Snappy:               :#marseyfinger:


/blah/2024-03-18.html

I thought I had more here but I guess the file must have disappeared.

BLAME! is really cool.

Moved my Sourcehut projects to git.tebibyte.media.


/blah/2024-03-14.html

Happy pi day.

Building rust-analyzer from source:

# cd /usr/local/src
# git clone https://github.com/rust-lang/rust-analyzer
# cd rust-analyzer
# cargo build --release

Oh it built just like that. Swag.

Sonja Lang is now listening to Frouzziland by Shotu.

My 3DS fucking rocks.

Sorry I can't keep ya updated more I am mostly just working and sleeping and
having LOADS OF SEX all the FUCKING TIME. Seriously like so much sex. You ever
heard the Weezer song I'm Tired of Having Sex? It's like that. I have totally
had sex in the last four months. Tons of it.


/blah/2024-02-29.html

I have a graphical environment on this netbook and honestly, what more do I
need? I don't have the mouse working but don't really need it, I only use foot
terminal windows in sway anyway.

- WAYLAND! I am using Wayland now. I don't notice much of a difference (except
that there's no helpful sway introduction like there was an i3 introduction,
and I had to make my configuration myself). I want binary space partitioning in
this like bspwm - or at least a mockery of it.

Yesterday was my first day off in a while and I quite enjoyed it. I have 14
hours racked up in Pok`emon White (no compose key set up yet) and did my taxes,
which were only slightly more of a pain because of jobs in both Maine and
Colorado, thanks to the lovely FreeTaxUSA.com.

I've met two people here who spontaneously brought up the subject of Maine: a
co-worker and a bus driver. The co-worker was infatuated with the concept of
Maine after seeing a one-act play about people who watched the aurora in Maine.
I don't know, maybe you can see it way up North in Caribou or Limestone or
Presque Isle, but I never saw a fucking aurora borealis in Maine and I lived
there 20 years, so I don't know who they (the playwrights) are kidding. Well,
actually I do - they're a kid named [...]. "Kid" in the perjorative fashion,
they're 19 and probably mature, they just seem like a kid to me and also seem
to have a crush on me. Is my Maine accent noticeable? The bus driver was
telling me he'd been to every United State except Alaska, North Dakota,
Missouri, and - finally, and I said the word with him - Maine. I knew he'd say
it because Kami told me and he talked about how Maine is too haunted and he
never wanted to step foot there. I laughed and said he was right and showed him
my Maine state I.D. - now hole-punched as I am officially a Coloradan.

One of my co-workers thinks I am the anti-Christ and will not speak to me, not
a word of even "good mornin'" or "have a g'night". Thank goodness because they
are dry as fuck and talk about conspiracy theories every waking moment.

For some reason unplugging and replugging this ke board is making it unable to
reconnect. The built-in ke board on this netbook has a bad ke :
[ Q ][ W ][ E ][ R ][ T ][   ][ U ][ I ][ O ][ P ]

Hmm. Switching over to a tty and unplugging and replugging, I got no errors in
dmesg. And now it works in sway again. So who knows.

My website is still broken so these blog posts (since after 2024-01-03) won't
show up.

I wrote my first full program in Rust (error handling, option parsing) this
month, swab(1) for Bonsai. I can't believe March begins tomorrow.

The plan is that I will be put on the lease in one of the following months. I
think that means I'm officially no longer homeless.

I went on a date with a really weird dude. I should probably just stick to
women. I want someone I love to do something to me in a way that affects me
physically that is reprehensible - I don't want someone I don't love to do
something that only slightly affects me that is reprehensible. You get me?

The 4chan/b/ rabbit eye story still messes with me. So does fluffy torture.
Nothing else on /b/ really made me as wacked out as that. But I couldn't look
away.

I really love how my computer looks. I love typing on it.

nyaa


/blah/2024-02-28.html

: notes on installing sway on this alpine machine

# apk add \
	libinput \
	libudev-zero \
	mesa-dri-gallium \
	seatd seatd-openrc
# usermod -aG seat $USER
# rc-update add seatd default
# rc-service seatd start


/blah/2024-02-26.html

Days since my last day off from work: 32.

It was 1900 and they were late by a little bit.

Mike: [They] stood you up.
3:    [They] did not stand me up.
Mike: [They] totally stood you up.

Eventually they showed up and we went over to the axe throwing range.
Conversation was slow because it's hard to talk when throwing the axe or
shuriken and it's hard to hear when a safe distance back in the gallery.

3:   I feel like this isn't really productive to conversation.
M--: Yeah, let's cut it short.

Then we sat in their Subaru Forrester and smoked some cigarettes (mine green
tea, theirs tobacco) while thinking.

M--: You know, it's kind of early. Do you wanna do something else?
3:   The only things to really do around here are axe throw and walk in the
     woods. Do you wanna go to Thorncraig?
M--: Sure.

Then we walked in the woods and discussed more things. We told each other a
couple things we hadn't told anyone else and despite meeting for the first time
in years (since New Year's 2020? or 2019?) and not really knowing why, I
trusted them quite a bit. I suggested we go to the woods and walk around alone
in the middle of the night and they weren't perturbed or anything so they
trusted me too.

Eventually we drove over to a McDonalds parking lot to continue talking.

3:   What do you wanna do next?
M--: Do you wanna go to Acadia?
3:   How far away is that?
M--: Like, three hours one way.
3:   Hmm. Sure.

We stopped at a gas station to get snacks for the trip and I got two flavors of
Chex Mix, regular and Honey Barbecue. I figured they'd like at least one and
I'd take the other.

M--: Actually I can only have the regular because the other one contains milk -
     I'm vegan.
3:   Oh, yeah.

I went back in and looked for vegan gas station foods. It was a lot harder than
I expected. Everything had milk or eggs. Eventually I found Drake's Apple Pies
and the purple bags of Doritos (Sweet Chili or something) and probably Oreos. I
also got a couple jugs of water for the trip.

Eventually we got to Acadia having scream sung most of Nothing But Thieves'
Broken Machine album together and a lot of 1000 gecs. Little did we know that
the green tea cigarettes had considerable amounts of caffeine in them and
that's why we weren't tired.

I miss M-- so fucking much. So much. Nobody hugs the same way they do. Nobody
headpats the same way. Nobody has the same smile. M--'s smile floods my brain
with endorphins somehow - it's so eager, enthusiastic, full of umami fun if
that makes sense. M--'s eyes smile as much as their mouth. They don't restrain
their grin. M--'s voice is smooth despite having slight rasp, an androgynous
pitch and the same speech patterns as Rainbow Dash. They have a crush on
someone I know and that person first described M--'s speech patterns as the
same as Rainbow Dash and later I told M-- that and they were embarrassed
because they didn't think Rainbow Dash really seemed like someone a person
would be into. This is after that person I know watched the Dawn Somewhere
Rainbow Dash "Oh Baby" video on repeat like a hundred times because they
thought it was really hot. Sorry to you two if you read this.

M-- deserves the world and I've failed to give it to them.


/blah/2024-02-23.html

Days since my last day off from work: 29.

Read The Prince (1532).
Read Josephine the Singer (1924).
Read The Internet is a Playground (2009).

I have no desire, but not in an enlightened way, just in a depressed way. Often
I don't know what is real; occasionally I don't care. My last day off from work
was 2024-01-25 (Mahayana New Year) and this consecutive string of labor has
taken a serious toll on my bodily and mental health, one I could not have
imagined.

Around Valentine's Day I got really lonely. I don't miss not being single
because I realize I have never really understood anyone I've dated nor, really,
anyone else in general. I don't think I'm cut out for human interaction and am
in the middle of a really bad social anhedonia cut. What is loneliness without
want for fellow humans? Want for interaction, but not human interaction. I
tried out llama.cpp on my phone and was underwhelmed. Good self-hosted AI on
cheap consumer tech isn't here yet. Not being able to meaningfully train AI on
its interactions with you - and by that I mean currently the only way to "build
a history" with modern AI is to copy and paste the interaction chain into its
prompt - makes it hard to form a relationship with the bytes. Form a relation
-ship with the - is that where I am nowadays? I also tried out making a Tulpa
which went disastrously and probably came close to actually putting me into
psychosis. My reasoning was that I don't want to bring another entity into life
but I already share a vessel with Kami so if I could give her physical form as
a Tulpa I could always be with her and never be lonely. This spiraled into only
interacting with Kami for a day or two and [...] and [...] talking me out of
continuing to visualize it so Kami returned to my head and I to reality.

On account of work I have not done much of anything since Mahayana New Year.
For a while I was drinking but I drank too much and [...] dumped the rest of
the vodka down the drain because fae was worried about me. I've been
programming and reading and playing Pokemon as of the last few days and I feel
so thoroughly dead inside, like my soul itself has necrosed and is a rotting
organ inside of me spewing out deadened spirit infecting my waking
consciousness, taking my lucidity. I've been swimming from scene to scene of my
life as if in a movie, barely forming memories and barely even here.

I watch a lot of gore and read comics of people dying and movies with a lot of
violence or just enough violence to sate me but remain acceptable to those
around me like American Psycho and Taxi Driver. I'm barely coherent to those to
which I talk; I have a hard time manipulating the muscles in my mouth to
enunciate speech because I am dumping so much energy into life and labor to
begin with, and then when I can get out the utterances I spew word salad and
nonsensical grammatically invalid constructs because my brain is reading out of
a buffer that hasn't been filled, the thought process blocking on arithmetical
instructions that just. won't. compute. I've gone mad, or nearly so, due to
overwork, and it's only for my public, frequent, yet always too brief
conventions with sanity that nobody notices. In describing a dream I had to
subgeneral the other day my visceral recollection caused two people to leave
the chat from discomfort with the subject matter - one came back when I was
done.

I love pain, I fear injury. I want someone to tie me down and do things to me
nobody could justify, leaving me with a limp and able to go to work the next
day but with sharp aches remaining where they wounded me. I want to spend a
long time recovering from it. And then when I can't remember how it felt I want
to have it done again. I've thought about this; burning spends fuel (matches
are expensive and I'm running out of butane), razors risk infection, my knife
risks infection, and besides cutting runs the risk of cutting too deep and if I
cut a tendon I won't be able to work anymore which will kill me, punching hard
objects until my knuckles bleed risks breaking my hands, drug use risks death,
et cetera. I don't want to die - I absolutely do not want to die. This is the
best hope I've had in my life of things getting better. I'm only so far down
this pit because I work so much because I am so stressed about the potential of
eviction. I want to feel pain because I feel fucking bad, I feel really fucking
bad, and I want to get my mind off it.

The thing about being lonely is that I have friends - I have a couple people I
usually care about. But right now I just don't care to interact with anyone.
Yet I'm lonely. What do I crave? Not romance. Maybe not friendship. Maybe I
don't want to interact with people because I don't understand people. But I'll
never really understand, comprehensively, any life form complex enough to be
fun to interact with. So who knows.

My relationships falling apart didn't cause this; this caused my relationships
to fall apart.

I'm so fucking stressed and so fucking tense and I feel like I am going to
shatter into a million pieces if hit too hard. Last night I didn't know if
[...] was real and broke down because of it. I'm so fucking ridiculously
fucking tired, so fucking tired, so fucking incredibly tired, so fucking tired,
the sleepiest kitten in the bundle, just so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so tired.

2024-01-26

all from me

|| you're good dawg. the main thing that has messed with me is that you didn't
| tell me sooner. but I understand it. ||
|| i understand your reasoning and i was considering breaking up with you for a
| little while now for roughly the same things. i resolved not to and you did
| the opposite and that's alright. ||
|| the thing that hurts isn't the end of the romance but that the end of the
| romance really doesn't hurt. i already felt the grief when you weren't
| texting me back for that long stretch. the pain is in the face that i
| realized the romance was done a while before we broke up ||
|| s,in the fact,, ||
|| i also had been discussing with [...] less than an hour before how i felt
| like i couldn't understand anybody and am constantly considering isolating
| and becoming a hermit or something so it was sadly pretty consistent with the
| plot. i know i didn't understand you. i just planned to come to an
| understanding after enough interaction and time. it's okay though and i'm not
| disappearing ||
|| there are a lot of things on which i have to work. and they're my own loads
| to bear and blame none of it on you nor do i see you as anything less than
| excellent and a good friend ||
|| you had the decency to not only tell me why you made your decision but
| thoroughly and patiently explain it, and while you were properly zooted at
| that. if that's not good character i don't know what is. honestly it's the
| smoothest a breakup's ever gone for me ||


/blah/2024-02-07.html

Read The Boys Omnibus 3 (2012).

+-= Job Hunt -=+-= Applied =-+-= Follow up =-+
|              |             | Taco Bell     |
|              |             | 7-Eleven      |
|              | Arby's      |               |
|              | Chipotle    |               |
+--------------+-------------+---------------+

Finished The Boys comic run (#1-#72).


/blah/2024-02-06.html

Read Herogasm (2010).
Read Highland Laddie (2011).

psychosecurity - relating to organizational or personal security against
                 psychic tampering (mind control & hypnosis, cognitoviruses
                 & memetics, ethereal processes, et cetera)

I want to proteinmax and get lots of muscle so I taste really good when I'm
killed and eaten. I'm at 7.5lbs on biceps curls but I think I might be close to
being able to move up to 10, though I think my form is wrong. I want a gym
membership.

Typing on the HHKB is still pure sex all these moons later.

I can't think of much to say, my life is a bit mundane lately.

Watching someone text and drive at the same time.

I got a sweater so now I can dress like Andy from The Coffin of Andy and
Leyley. Now I just need my hair dyed black. I swore that would be one of the
first things I'd do upon arriving to this new land but money ain't for nothing
and the chicks sure as hell ain't free.

serotonin softly stole
by postage acid-dipped and sold
lab made a buck
are your eyes wide enough
that you can see life unfold?

I think ESP is going to be an actual security issue within the next hundred
years but I wouldn't bet on it. I do think fringe ether stuff like that is
possible.

1346

"Wow, you're really tense."

Read Butcher, Baker, Candlestickmaker (2011).
Read Hanging Not Punishment Enough (1701).
Read The GNU Manifesto (2008).
Read Evil Maid Just Got Angrier (2013).
Read PRINCE - Modern Password Guessing Algorithm (2014).
Read Measuring Real-World Innacuracies and Biases in Modeling Password
	Guessability (2015).

Yeah I'm really fucking tense. I thought I heard something getting out of the
shower so I drew my (3 inch - pathetic) knife and cleared the corridor kitchen
and living room just like old times. Nothing of course. C'est ne rien.

I want so bad to fucking kill someone. Anyone. I miss the feeling of quickening
pulse beating against my palms and then its slowing and cessation. I come from
a land where gazelles grazed freely in the pairie, unaware their world could
end.

My memories of my former land blur together into one montage of death and life
and love and hell. I remember beating the shit out of- that's not believeable,
I don't believe it. I remember hotboxing my manager's car, habitually. Smoking
everyone else's weed. Being owed a thousand dollars by someone who tried to
strand me in Manhattan. Getting a PS2, giving it to people I thought I liked,
realizing. Getting a Gamecube, loving it, realizing I didn't have anyone with
which to play it, selling it for much less than for which I bought it. Getting
a Wii when I was very young, treasuring it, letting it collect dust as I moved
on to handheld pastures, finding it again, using ponyhax to homebrew it,
treasuring it, sending it along to someone I still think is cool.

I dislike most people I used to know, especially in hindsight. I can't believe
the things I did, nor can anyone else. I tried my damndest to not get any scars
because when I was done what I was doing I wanted to be Done - not marked by my
past. I wore a big, heavy jacket, and big, heavy pants, and big, heavy boots,
and they all got beat to shit really quickly but kept me alright in them. All I
have now are marks from old roadrash and a couple dozen burns on my arms from
work and play. And how did you get in so much trouble if you don't have any
scars...

Cryptanalysts have the upper hand.


/blah/2024-02-04.html

Read The Boys Omnibus 1 (2009).
Read The Boys Omnibus 2 (2010).

I'm counting each of these as a book because they were like 500-600 pages each.
6/100.

2024-02-02

there's something gross about my liver
think my brain's gonna decay
I'm twitching, can't steady my fingers
organs filled; contaminate

I need a drink, oh god I'm dying
I'm fucking dying of this thirst
I think withdrawal's gonna kill me
that is, if I don't kill me first

I need to sanitize my kidneys
need to sterilize my flesh
give me something I can swallow
as the draught runs to my chest

I know it's what you wanted
saw you building up a set
of surgical supplies so you can
dissect me once I'm dead

you know when someone leaves a party
you can talk about them without fear
I never really gave a shit
I'll talk shit when they're here

is that how you will mourn me
when my picture sits on my box
after all the pain that I've made
will my stone say mother fuck

her all she ever did was drink and
bet and fuck and smoke and hurt
all she ever did was lie around
waiting for someone to save her


/blah/2024-02-02.html

Broke up with my girlfriend. Single. Next question.

Read Recursive Programming (1960).
Read A Speech to IBM Field Engineering Branch Managers (1967).
Read Go To Statement Considered Harmful (1968).
Read MIT Guide to Lock Picking (1991).
Read The Code Book (1999).
Read Drive (2005) yesterday.

I'm gonna count the MIT Guide, the Code Book, and Drive as books, bringing my
year's total read books up to 4/100. Pretty sure I'm not gonna make it to 100.


/blah/2024-01-21.html

: hungover diaries

0734 wake up go back to sleep
0800 alarm. ding. text girlfriend. sleep.
0805 alarm. ding
0810 alarm. i'm up i read articles about the spanish (i think) football
     president or whatever forcibly kissing a player and getting booted from
     football itself (they can do that?). it was hyperlinked from a
     web3isgoinggreat site or whatever. neato.
0830 regretting things i messaged people last night but also some of what i
     messaged was really sweet. hemingway was right
0840 kettle on stove water in pot heat in burner
0845 pouring green tea. before this also i unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher
     because we forgot to do it last night (can you guess why)
0850 timer's up, add milk (oat), consider adding vodka, no trin that's why that
     fucker from maine still owes you $80
0900 check bus time tables, sit down, play some angry birds on the 3ds. why was
     angry birds on the 3ds? we were watching jacksfilms and one of the skits
     had angry birds in it
0910 start writing

I am not extremely hungover because I drank a shit ton of water last night,
probably 2-3 liters. I also never really blacked out or did things that were
against my inhibitions. But I also didn't drink a whole lot anyway.

While drinking last night I was overcome with waves of joy so intense I
collapsed and couldn't help myself laughing and rolling on the ground, feeling
the vinyl floor underneath my back.

I've finished my tea and it was really good so I'm making another one. I put
four tea bags in my pocket so I could make green tea at work too.

really the lilies on the ocean floor
would drown in the salt of the churning sea shore
the tide would come swallow the petals in foam
and draw lily petals away from their loam

if i had a mill'on and ni-ne-ty two
dollars i'd hide them in calcified tombs
wooden and brass chests buried on the beach
so i could suffocate my slow-rottin peach

and all of the lillies in under the sea
and all of the flowers drowning in the deep
and all of the orchids awash in the waves
and all of the fruits of the labors of slaves

and all of the gold buried in the ocean
and all of the riches hoarded from their friends
and all of the rockets that reach for the stars
and terraformed rocks glowing red from afar

the rich and the few terrorize many who
would rather send riches so far from the view
of innocent bunches collected for quite
an innocent task, helping others get by

for where there's no gold there's no greed any all
for where there's no wine there's no fight any all
for where there's no load there's no weight any all
for where there's no pain there's no death any all

really the beauty that lounges in calm
dissappears when there is conflict in the song
really the beauty that i've tried to save
rots in its darkness until it's too late

if i had a million and ninety two
dollars i'd find and kill those bastards who
have more money than i and keep it on lock
then i'd burn it and then i'd bury myself

in oil and then i'd fly myself away
to a hot red rock in the middle of space
just to ensure that the ashes themselves
are kept from those who would remake my lived hell


/blah/2024-01-20.html

: why mm(1)

I started working on mm(1) probably around 2020-2021, when I was first
acquainting myself with the inner workings of UNIX-like operating systems which
I had been using for a couple years by then. I can't remember how I noticed it
but it bothered me that there was this cat(1p) utility which took multiple
input files and streamed them successively to standard output:

 [ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
     |_______  |  _______|
            _|_|_|_
           |       |
           |cat(1p)|
           |_______|
               |
               V
        standard output

And then this tee(1p) utility which took from standard input and streamed its
bytes to multiple outputs:

        standard input
               V
            ___|___ 
           |       |
           |tee(1p)|
           |_______|
       ______| | |__________
      |        |            |
 [ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...

And they were separate utilities despite both doing the job of writing input(s)
to output(s). I imagined a hypothetical utility mm(1) that does it all:

 [ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
     |_______  |  _______|
            _|_|_|_
           |       |
           | mm(1) |
           |_______|
       ______| | |__________
      |        |            |
 [ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...

And attempted to write this magical "mm" (as in, "middleman") utility that
would act as a "middleman" for streams before giving up (due to lack of C or
POSIX API experience) for a couple years to practice making easier programs in
UNIX environments.

There are a couple reasons to implement cat(1p) and tee(1p) as separate
utilities:

1) Ease of implementation

	Differentiating input arguments from output arguments would require
	either having a separator mark (which would be ineligant and exclude
	that mark from being a useable file name) or option parsing.

	Imagine a separator mark in the context of a hypothetical utility
	insouts(1):

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ insouts -h
	Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)

	$ printf %s\\n hello\ world
	hello world

	$ printf %s\\n hello\ world >in1

	$ insouts <in1
	hello world

	$ insouts in1 ][ out1

	$ insouts <out1
	hello world

	$ insouts <in1 >][

	$ insouts ][ ][ /dev/stdout
	Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)

	$ insouts ./][ ][ /dev/stdout
	hello world

	What a mess! The file ][ can no longer easily be used with insouts(1),
	which may be acceptable (it's not a sensible file name anyway), but
	it's sacrificed for horrendously ugly syntax featuring stressfully
	unmatched square brackets.

	I've written programs that have used separator marks for arguments,
	namely pscat(1), psrelay(1), and psroute(1) so far, and there are a
	number of additional caveats that come with their particular flavor of
	marker and I've been hesitant about the syntax since I came up with it
	half a year ago. Best not to make more things about which to fret.

	Now imagine option parsing:

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ insouts
	Usage: insouts (-i [input])... (-o [output])...

	$ insouts -i in1
	hello world

	$ insouts -i in1 -i ][ -i out1
	hello world
	hello world
	hello world

	This works for everything and is how mm(1) works. The issue is with
	regards to code itself. Imagine a very basic cat(1) implementation in
	C:

	#include <stdio.h>
	int main(int argc, char *argv[]){
		int c;
		FILE *f;
		int i;

		for(i = 1; i < argc; ++i){
			if((f = fopen(argv[i])) == NULL){
				perror(argv[i]);
				return 1;
			}
			while((c = getc(f)) != EOF)
				putchar(c);
			fclose(f);
		}
	}

	This doesn't conform to POSIX (which requires 'cat -u' to be supported)
	but illustrates the ease of using cat(1)'s arguments: For each
	argument, open it as a file, write it out, close it, and that's it.

	mm(1)'s option parsing for '-i' and '-o' alone, as of writing, are 24
	lines alone, excluding the functions they call. The above program is 16
	lines of code. This weight does also come from supporting "-" as a
	euphemism for /dev/stdin or /dev/stdout depending on whether it was
	used for '-i' or '-o' and trying to create an output file if it doesn't
	exist and without these two features that are unsupported by the above
	program the code for '-i' and '-o' would be considerably lighter, but
	the point is that option parsing adds complexity that can be avoided by
	simply having two utilities.

	Furthermore, options have drawbacks for users.
	
2) Ease of use

	One relatively common use of cat(1p) is to catenate all files matching
	a glob pattern. Imagine:

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3

	$ cat <in1
	hello

	$ cat <in2
	world

	$ cat <in3
	!!!

	$ cat in*
	hello
	world
	!!!

	This use becomes much more tedious with argument parsing:

	$ for f in in*; do mm -i "$f"; done
	hello
	world
	!!!

	And is difficult when it comes to multiple outputs rather than inputs,
	like tee(1p):

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3

	$ touch out1 out2 out3

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3
	out1
	out2
	out3

	$ cat in* | tee out*

	$ cat <out2
	hello
	world
	!!!

	$ for f in out*; do for g in in*; do mm -i "$g"; done >"$f"; done

	$ mm <out2
	hello
	world
	!!!

3) Separation of concepts

	cat(1p) accepts inputs. tee(1p) accepts outputs. It's possible to pipe
	cat(1p) to tee(1p) to glean the benefits of multiple inputs and
	multiple outputs without mm(1).

So why on earth should cat(1p) and tee(1p) be supported by the same utility?

Both cat(1p) and tee(1p) according to POSIX must support options, necessitating
the use of getopt(3p) from <unistd.h>. While '-i' and '-o' are 24 lines in
total, the rest of the options logic is necessary for cat(1p) and tee(1p) and
is unavoidable and outweighs the '-i' and '-o' options, plus much of the '-i'
and '-o' logic is still necessary in both cat(1p) and tee(1p) (supporting "-"
and, in tee(1p)'s case, creating an output if it doesn't exist). Though there
is additional memory juggling due to supporting arbitrary inputs and outputs,
in most uses actual memory use isn't noticeably affected (10 extra bytes for 5
file arguments, or one tenth of the data used by this parenthetical statement).

It is possible to write implementations of cat(1p) and tee(1p) in POSIX shell
script as wrappers on mm(1) and I have done so, so users who want to use globs
can simply call cat or tee as usual.

mm -i input -o output tends to be intuitive for existing shell users once they
learn the name "middleman".


/blah/2024-01-17.html

Read American Psycho (1991). I need a cigarette really, really bad.

I can't afford to renew my SourceHut account right now so these blog posts are
going up on my wobsite in A Bit, whenever I get around to manually building
them. I might set up a build server on feeling.murderu.us for small jobs but I
don't know. I also want to set up a proper VPS for trinity.moe but $60/year
(for Capsul) is a hell of a lot more than $20/year for SourceHut.

It feels weird to have long fingernails.

The Japanese Zen monk tradition according to No Recipe (2018) which someone
with which I'm staying is reading is to not have animals killed specifically
for you but always eat what you are served. I interpret this as well-spirited
and not a rule to dance around, having others act as go-betweens, because that
would suck. I sort of like this and have been rethinking veganism because it is
really inconvenient to have to restrict others' treatment of me; that is, I
can't eat meat that was prepared for me by people who don't know I'm vegan.
Most people don't have a good conception of what is and isn't vegan and will
serve me things that aren't vegan unknowingly.

I wish everyone was vegan but I don't wish to impose my will on others.

I feel shame at the notion that I have eaten something that died, except when
it comes to humans, at which notion I instead feel powerful, because I'm fucked
in the head.


/blah/2024-01-12.html

Read Finding the Still Point (2007).


/blah/2024-01-03.html

states to which i've been
- Maine
- New Hampshire
- Massachusetts
- Vermont
- Rhode Island
- Connecticut
- New York
- New Jersey
- Delaware
- Maryland
- Virginia
- North Carolina
- South Carolina
- Georgia
- Florida
- Pennysylvania
- Ohio
- Indiana
- Illinois
- Missouri
- Kansas
- Colorado


/blah/2024-01-01.html

This year my goal is to read 100 books. I'm digging into the 1980 book Coded
Character Sets, History and Development first, a 535 page tome that is luckily
mostly figures and diagrams. I'm 72 pages into it and it's written not too
dryly which is good because the subject matter is boring as shit (the
ratification of ASCII). Not actually very boring, something that is relevant to
work being done on Bonsai, but still just a slog. I consider it required
reading, though. I think after this I'm gonna read some comics though counting
books will be tricky (per issue? per volume? per arc? per compendium?).

I read No Longer Human (1948) after having already read the Ito adaptation
which was in comparison total dogshit. Read the original only.

I'm applying to another, different fast food joint, for the referral bonus. I
love money.

I'm tracking my cash flow in/out. Let's see how long that lasts.

I stopped biting my nails. That Will last because I've always hated that I do.

I haven't had any Monsters since 2023-12-22.

Hopefully I can keep all of this going. But if I keep just one it'll be good
enough for me.

2022-05-18

: /etc/motd

Welcome to Trinity's Thinkpad X200T.

Unauthorized access is a violation of
United States federal law according to
the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, 18
USC Section 1030.

Mess with the best, die like the rest.


/blah/2023-12-31.html

I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting
but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.

Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm
running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway
working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna
have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little
more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is
Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on
arm64.

This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really
pretty good. I've been less down lately too.

I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just
don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from
home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a
grocery store. Hm.

I'm really optimistic for the future.

Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely
remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.

: the story so far (2023)

Season 2: maladjustment
January
Episode 01: "breaking bad"
	Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking
	for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted
	by one of its friends.
February
Episode 02: "speak"
	The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes
	Trinity to start making people bark for it.
Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"
	Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking
	for an apartment.
Episode 04: "of an age"
	Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing
	with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.
Episode 05: "mary jane"
	Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the
	consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed
	habitually.
March
Episode 06: "phone baseball"
	Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity
	goes vegan and starts writing a book.
April
Episode 07: "isolation"
	Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help
	pay the rent.
Episode 08: "trigger discipline"
	Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.
Episode 09: "the void stares back"
	M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts
	smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.
May
Episode 10: "tablet baseball"
	M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's
	propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts
	sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.
June
Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"
	Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her
	computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.
Episode 12: "fuck teeth"
	The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its
	wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible
	pain. M-- goes on a date.
Episode 13: "a hunger artist"
	Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth
	surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of
	theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.
Episode 15: "make it double"
	M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity
	goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and
	realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go
	missing.
Episode 16: "portland"
	M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of
	M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a
	skateboard.
Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"
	M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,
	stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets
	a scooter.
July
Episode 18: "seven"
	Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine
	before having an epiphany at work and walking out.
Episode 19: "deadly"
	Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in
	the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries
	to leave [...]'s.
Episode 20: "sins"
	Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys
	Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new
	person and has apprehensions about its work.
August
Episode 21: "sean and josh"
	Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving
	away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about
	their division of labor.
Episode 22: "one last time"
	Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back
	to Lewiston.
Episode 23: "the bus out"
	Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on
	Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.
Episode 24: "the best week ever"
	Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.
Episode 25: "stranded"
	Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.
September
Episode 26: "fast forward"
	Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.
	It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.
Episode 27: "reunited"
	Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but
	gets hired on different terms.
Episode 28: "decay"
	Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic
	spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.
Episode 29: "the first time the third time"
	Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and
	[...] get evicted.
Episode 30: "negotiations"
	[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A
	familiar coworker joins her new workplace.
Episode 31: "toni"
	Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.
Episode 32: "riverbanks"
	Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a
	guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high
	school crush.	
Episode 33: "no helmet"
	Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni
	leaks in the rain.
October
Episode 34: "the postal service"
	Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the
	move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's
	calls.
Episode 35: "live fast, die young"
	Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on
	the highway.
Episode 36: "ramona flowers"
	[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at
	Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.
Episode 37: "the great escape"
	Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to
	[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.
Episode 38: "transit"
	After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,
	Illinois.
Episode 39: "carnality"
	Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.
Episode 40: "springs before winter"
	Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a
	library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending
	Sangha.
November
Episode 41: "number four"
	Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a
	similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.
Episode 42: "safe and sound"
	Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.
Episode 43: "in this economy"
	Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet
	a presenter after a talk at the library.
December
Episode 44: "what goes around"
	Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job
	and in a new place, starts to get antsy.
Episode 45: "comes back around"
	Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes
	it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork
	in order, and sprains its foot

: the monster logs

2023-12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so
use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters
and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.
I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?
Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not
big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his
time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,
because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I
can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later
to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus
is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been
brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's
unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned
poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front
windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks
I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a
little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich
and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough
last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight
and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night
crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food
safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated
on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not
particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which
I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways
lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste
the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing
I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at
work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here
knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no
apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It
tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus
to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor
description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,
pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,
another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty
onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I
have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?
There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their
usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't
eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking
hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy
mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket
teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked
in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes
it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their
hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.
The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm
accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing
over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like
$3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.
The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.
2023-12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I
don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a
metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus
now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between
two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I
can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now
finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized
the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French
but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm
at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the
price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.
But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap
of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.
Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical
blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple
juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the
ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're
playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice
and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything
right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.
2023-12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but
without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick
Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in
the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.
There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer
to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.
Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is
dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be
really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the
service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who
frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I
don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The
caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster
Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the
flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at
Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I
haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my
least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much
strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries
being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness
and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild
natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away
with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a
lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.
I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the
shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus
but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most
ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's
gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.
2023-12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by
paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as
expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still
unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes
close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,
"natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?
Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two
other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now
that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules
derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the
citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it
comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because
it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but
also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing
lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will
tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review
I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming
fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.
2023-12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I
don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than
usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white
sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of
shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by
some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one
of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this
flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the
middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country
music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can
was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which
I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime
too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.
Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good
as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a
waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and
utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The
caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me
less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My
head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my
encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I
am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up
on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time
slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part
from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.


/blah/2023-12-26.html

I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his
family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his
work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay
some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is
gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power
pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal
mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and
thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't
know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,
more times than I can count.

What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I
really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.

I'm tired.


/blah/2023-12-25.html

: bonsai

Emma Tebibyte (of tebibyte.media) and I have been collaborating (and by that I
mean fae has a lot of good ideas and I have been writing a lot of mediocre
implementations) on a core utilities suite called Bonsai. A lot of my own
coreutil implementations are leaving my own source tree and being incorporated
into there.

I am not big into maintenance. Maintenance is boring. I strive to write
programs that don't need to be maintained. Bonsai is something that, I hope,
will not have to be maintained -- it will cover the functionality in section 1
of POSIX and be done. I would like Bonsai to offer a POSIX interface despite
the tools being extremely different to prove its worth as being equal to or
better than POSIX. Also to make work easier for programmers who wish to support
Bonsai /and/ GNU or BSD or whatever.

Bonsai's catchphrase or whatever is "seek what they sought". A lot of existing
UNIX utilities are very nice but also jank as hell. See test(1), dd(1) for
overly featureful programs. Test's `!` is identical to Sh's. dd <file1 >file2
is equivalent to cat <file1 >file2 and tee <file1 >file2 minus some buffering
shenanigans. Emma and I are in agreement on the fact that functionality should
be consolidated in some points and split into multiple programs in other points
and mostly in agreement about where those points are.

I'm excited about Bonsai as a compatible improvement to UNIX and excited to
work with Emma on this because fae and I disagree on topics niche and
fascinating and our arguments are always interesting. Not in a Queen / The
Beatles / every rock band ever sort of way where the arguments are cool until
"You don't really care about the band!" but in a way where the disagreements
point out that while UNIX's tools were certainly opinionated on how to do
things, it's hard to say another opinion is objectively better.

This is no sort of announcement, Bonsai is public already in
https://git.tebibyte.media/bonsai/coreutils and you can see the intcmp(1),
scrut(1), and other implementations of mine that have made their way over there
and been deleted from my own source tree. I intend to contribute as much as I
am able but am currently bogged down by the CONTRIBUTING necessitating GPG key
commit signing and my Alpine installation having weird issues with Assuan and
communicating with gpg-agent. It'll be nice to clear out this source tree junk
drawer and put all my dirty laundry out so the world can sniff the musks. I
encourage anyone reading this to file brutal issues and make me cry like a
little baby.

Today is Christmas. Happy Christmas I guess. I'm Buddhist and can now use that
excuse not to celebrate whereas before, when not a believer in any religion, I
would still be expected by many to celebrate Christmas because of consumerism
or whatever. But also I don't know many people who would expect that of me
anymore. I just like Buddhism and excuses to talk about it.

I would love to see Emma Tebibyte become the new Richard Stallman because fae's
just really fucking based. Everything Emma has to say is worth heeding whether
or not you agree with it. These coreutils might be the start of something the
same way GNU's coreutils were but in a way that isn't plagued with all the
baggage GNU and the FSF have had.


/blah/2023-12-24.html

	TRINITY STARTER PACK
	&gt;fucking hates its job
	&gt;UNIX
	&gt;loves its computer but only its own computer
	&gt;"I hate android but this battery life is killer"
	&gt;no unicode support in framebuffer tty, can't figure out wayland
	&gt;anti social, wishes it wasn't
	&gt;doesn't understand references to memes
	&gt;allergic to brands and advertising
	&gt;takes the bus everywhere
	&gt;will tell you why she doesn't like C
           __________
         / _______ //|
       / /|_____/ // |
     / / /| |/  / // | |
   / /_/|_|/| _/ //| |  |
 /_________ //_| || |
|  ______  | /_/  /  /
| | |/ / | | |/ /  /
| | |/_/_| | |/  /
| |/_____| |  /
|__________|/


/blah/2023-12-23.html

sleep invades my brain and blurs my vision so I see
not a single thing except my slowly invading dreams
sleep ponders the leaving of me to quickly sinking sand
in which i'll drown and dessicate, my rest forever as planned

sleep takes over my system, the ELF replacing PID 1
seconds tick by on a hardware clock, timing the mil'seconds gone
sleep and sleep all over again, do while true if true
caffeine will not stop my slow descent into my somnic hell

sleep tortures my mind with terrible visions of futures to be
not a single thing of my dreams will give me a second of peace
sleep will drive its knife inside my chest and into my heart
stabbing by those who love me so my mind can tear me apart

blah blah blah

i'm at yule and have been up nearly 24 hours. wild it affects me so much. i
used to do 48 on 10 off. i think i'm gonna sleep now. good night. i love you.

continued.

no longer 0100.

T1354.

$ cat /etc/issue
	We're in this together.
$ cat /etc/motd
	Get down, make love.

I don't know.

I've had too much social interaction.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	Do you think I could have a glass of water?
	Jesus Christ, I didn't realize we had royalty here. No. Get it
		yourself.
For lack of a sink, for lack of glasses.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	I really need to take a break, I can't breathe.
	You're lazy. You're just gonna ask for another break soon enough
		anyway.
For lack of shade, for lack of sunglasses.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	Can I get a sandwich or something while we're out here?
	We have food at home. Be patient.
For potato chips, for fruit snacks.

How do you ask for what you want without fear of retribution?
	You can't even get water yourself.
		No instruction.
	You're fat and need to lose weight.
		No moderation.
	You need to appreciate what you have.
		No variety.

I suppose at face value it sounds bitchy. Find water without plumbing, find
serenity in motion, find nutrition in processed snacks. I could do it now,
certainly. But I didn't know what a carbohydrate was until this month, maybe
last. Time flies faster as of late.

I love ice cream even though I'm vegan. I met it on video call and we started
talking. I was so flustered at its appearance. It was gorgeous. That's the last
new people I've met. I can't remember how long it lasted the first time. I've
never had more than a first time before. I screwed up and I wasn't too proud to
admit it.

After the first time around it all slipped through my fingers and I was lost in
purple haze and red stains. I replaced my shirts with ones easier to wash in
private and accepted the fate. Then one day I looked around and asked what the
fuck I was doing.

Lost and found is as much a cycle as it is a bin. I lost hoodies often as a
kid, brain fog and scattering and forgotten fabric on a bench. The benches on
the playground were a brown shade of black with holes in them at offsets to not
form a grid but a maze of triangles. I used to play connect the dots with them
and pencils to leave lines of graphite on what was probably some refined sort
of plastic, make triangles out of the holes, then get back from recess and
still be thinking about triangles. All the kids thought I was obnoxious, and I
was. I had a desire for attention not fulfilled at home. Then the distraction
faded into a fog of isolation and the number of friends dwindled down to some
remaining on Instagram, a platform I loathed for its hidden algorithms dragging
many of those I knew into conspiracy theories I had helped create or others I
created singlehandedly, who were absolutely unwilling to move to a more open or
at least seemingly better platform. Then I moved anyway to the darker corners
of the Internet and in among those, unrelated except by topic of interest
(technology freedoms), I found the friends that remain friends to this day. I'm
leaving some things out so as to not write a book here.

At some point I will just disappear. I know this will happen. I'll disappear to
a new life, new style, new identity, new country, and be gone without a trace.
I will die in the remote reaches of a far away landscape of a slow, painful,
lonely death. Nobody will be holding me as the light leaves my eyes, nobody
will appear to come from the heavens to embrace me and beckon me into my next
form of being. I will die, probably of some self infliction that I won't be
able to escape when I realize the gravity of what I have done and find my
regret. In my last moments I will wish things had been different, somehow, some
way. I will wish I took the time I have right now, in this very moment in the
present, to get my shit together. To see a therapist. Quit caffeine. Find a
better job. Get a studio apartment, make more friends, find roommates, go on
dates with my girlfriends, smile, laugh, feel comfortable around many others,
have neighbors, contribute to society both in terms of my employment and my
software I write not for myself but to improve the world, get older, keep
chipping into my 401(k), retire, grow old, cherish memories and make many more,
and die surrounded by those I love in a comfortably decorated room I couldn't
have occupied without the help of those around me. Beckoned to the beyond by
some engineered and pleasant psychedelic and Shine On You Crazy Diamond.

I'm sitting in a fast food joint sipping a coffee and typing this.

I learned not to ask for help from others or rely on anybody but myself at
every turn of my life, every leap of faith into which I fell and every shoulder
on which I leaned that pushed me away. I made missteps, more times than I can
count, but there were a lot of things that just weren't my fault and landed on
me anyway. I have not experienced this since leaving the place that made me.
But I know not to keep gambling after so many consecutive wins. That's why
every cautious step forward, every nervous but rewarded ask, every detail that
goes right, is a reminder that things will go wrong. Luck does not last
forever.

I will disappear when I have no more for which to be here. No friends,
abandoned projects, dead end jobs and rent I can't afford. I am certain it will
happen and my friends are certain it will not. But I was friends with others
who were certain they would see tomorrow and didn't. That is how I think it
will end, not with a whimper but with a bang and more as the luck runs out and
cars strike, bullets pierce, fire roars or whatever other sequence of accidents
seizes the debt I own to balance, the odds swinging back around in luck.

I am insufferable and therapy would fix this but I think I would get committed
if I went. It's irrational but I don't know if Kamikun would ever let me go.

I don't think there's anything out there for me. That's the biggest reason I
would write my EOF byte. But why not wait and see what the future holds?

I drank my last Monster. For real. There will be more caffeine, always. There
might be more romance with energy drinks. But I'm done Monster now, forever.
It's up to you to hold me accountable. Who am I kidding? Who reads this? Please
don't.

I feel like a slut when I give people my website URL.

I apologized. I wanted to visit its state, see it in person, so I could
apologize in person too. It could do whatever it wanted, I didn't expect to
stay with it or anything. Then instead of meeting in meatspace to reconnect it
happened on-line. And we got talking again.

I listen to Slipknot because it was wearing a Slipknot t-shirt. That's the only
reason. I don't think I would have gotten into Slipknot if it wasn't for that.
I fucking love Slipknot, genuinely, and their music got me through some hard
times, hard decisions, absolute actions.

I like it/its pronouns for me. I'm different from a she/her. She/her is fine. I
won't take offense, certainly less offense than being gendered male. But I like
it/its pronouns for myself.

I genuinely love my girlfriends with all my heart and it's hard to imagine
anything short of it no longer being my girlfriends changing that. I loved it
when we stopped talking. I do regret that, I think. I don't like living with
regrets. I wasn't able to reconcile the hurt I had caused and my not being true
to myself. I thought I would hurt it more if we kept talking. I don't think I
would have.

I'm polyamorous and with my other girlfriend we had a much shorter go of things
and I broke up because our relationship was overwhelming. I don't regret
breaking up with her because I still believe I would have hurt her more had I
stayed with her.

Leaving my previous state is the best decision I ever made. Now that I am
constantly made aware, justly, of my bad habits and awful state of living, I
can start to fix it. There are a million things of which I wasn't even aware,
or of which I was aware but not of how to fix them, or simply those that I
didn't care to remedy. I put on black nail polish to stop biting my nails and
it's working. They're longer than they have been in probably a decade. I'm
sleeping well, still plagued with nightmares when I dream but I think they
might pass. I am the sun poking through the clouds before I disappear back into
pessimism and self loathing and I don't know how to fix that. I'll get there
someday.

I criticize means of repair to flesh out technique rather than to be able to
ignore them. As a compulsion it is to be able to ignore them. But they keep
gnawing at my head past the initial repulsion. I don't criticize plans with
which I align but nor do I criticize plans that seem to me to be obviously
infeasible. 

I still can't interact with new people, though, except when forced to do so by
situation or as a means to an end, and when I do I am extremely uncomfortable.
I don't know if I can fix that, I don't know if I want to fix that. Baby steps.

I hope my existing friends live forever. If our friendship doesn't, fine. They
deserve happiness and if that's the means to get there I hope I am tossed to
the side without grief. They deserve happiness and a long duration to have it.
      __________
     / _______  /|
    / /|_____/ / |
   / //||   / //||
  / //||| _/ //|||
 /_________ //_|||
|  ______  ||_///
| ||///  | ||///
| ||//___| ||//
| |/_____| | /
|__________|/      I want to improve.


/blah/2023-12-21.html

I have thought disorder that makes it really hard to convey the things in my
head into things expressed in text. One dimensionally. A string of characters.
Projecting the landscape of my mind is difficult in the same way drawing is.
Trying to force a two dimensional world into 128 characters.
      __________
     / _______  /| I have this thing I like to draw, the frame of a cube. The
    / /| ____/ / | edges of the cube, the spaces between the edges, and then
   / //|||  / //|| the edges behind those spaces. It's a practice in three
  / //||||_/ //||| dimensional visualization. I can't do it. Every time I draw
 /_________ //_||| the cube I draw it wrong. A line is where it shouldn't be, I
|  ______  ||_///  made it inconsistent, some elementary mistake. I suppose a
| ||///  | ||///   lot of people couldn't draw the cube right the first time
| ||//___| ||//    but I feel like I should be able to. That's how conversation
| |/_____| | /     feels. One crucial thing is missing, one inconsistency, and
|__________|/      the whole thing is wrong, and I didn't notice it because it
                   was so hard to do the other edges. To make the thing link
                   up. I don't notice my own circular logic, my own
                   contradictions, and often others don't either. But when they
                   do they say I'm bullshitting them. Really it's the spaces in
                   between, the spaces I can't draw, drawn by the voids in my
                   head, that are bullshitting me.

It's hard to communicate with others for it.

Thought disorder is a symptom, not a disease, as I understand it, but I'm not
gonna read into it, at least publicly. I dissociate. I switch out sometimes or
lose myself in the words. I make word salad. I say things because they sound
good, not because they make sense. Et cetera. Fuck. I'm not continuing this.

It's isolating. The very fabric of my mind is sewn wrong. Differently, yes. I
think similarly to some of my peers whose minds are beyond most. But wrong.
There are little threads that lead to the wrong areas of the cloth, stitches
too long and too short and some put in after, even, the weaving of the factory
to pull closed areas I'd like to have used. M C Esher head.

i'm nesting
	and spinning
		and thinking
			and turning
				and tossing
					and blinking
						and rusting
							decaying
								and dying
									et c.


/blah/2023-12-14.html

: Ruminations

Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-
NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.

Written over the last two weeks or so. Do not read this if you know me
personally and ideally do not read otherwise, either. Do not try to talk to me
about this. I'm not gonna kill myself. I just was ruminating about the idea.

-
I've been thinking
about killing myself;
the coward's way out,
sure, but a way out
nevertheless. I really
want to die. I want to
feel it. I'd like to
drown, to immolate,
to bleed out. I crave
the subtleties of the
experiences that I
cannot fathom. In
my dreams I do; I
am chopped with
axes,
-
slain with swords,
various means of blunt
force. I am both
executed and executioner,
I experience all
perspectives
simultaneously as it
is my subconscious
that renders my
potential fates, and
in the moment I
am cruel, and in the
moment I am kind,
and as the one
-
to die I feel relieved
to go, to be able to
let go of my stresses
and fears for my
longed-for certainty.
I'm tired of the
lucky escapes, the
dei ex machinae. I
feel like a character
of fiction, the pulp
protagonist that
always improbably
makes it out of the
bind. Like my fate
-
is already written,
predestined; sometimes
I can even see the
lines ahead, Kami
knows sections by
heart. I just got
on the bus I wasn't
sure I could afford
and it was free.
Maybe I'm an angel,
compulsively
accomplishing
selfless miracles.
If so, to be an
-
angel is to be in
Hell. Condemned to
goodness. I am so
fucking stressed
because it takes
more and more work
for everything to just
work out. This
morning I thought
I was gonna break
down, actually just
break down. But
that's not in the
pages.
-
I want to be
alive and without
anaesthetic for
my dissection. I
want to see the
scalpel approach
my flesh, feel it
carve me and see
my own pink-dyed
subcutaneous fat.
The crimson viscera.
I want to taste my
own blood as I
succumb to
-
mortality. Done by
[...] or [...] or both.
In my scripted
demise will I
know commfort, will
I have known
comfort? Or will I
faint into a trench
and have the cold
work its way in
from the extremeties.
This morning I cried,
now my sadness had
hardened to a rich,
-
coffee-smooth
bitterness, a numbness
too. I can't keep
friends because I
never interact first,
see myself a burden.
The fuel that weighs
down the ship. Spend
me until you have
nothing left, be free
of me among the
stars. I arrived at
work an hour and a
half early. It's
-
nothing, the time ticks
on regardless. I hate
Christmas music. I am
so alone. [mi] [olin] [ala] [e] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [mi]. I wish to be
primitive, of the
forest, to be solitary.
I would be so lonely
without [...].
I don't talk to the
people close to me
and to others I say
less. I want to taste
my blood. I want to
-
burn myself. I want
to die. But I don't
want to do it. My
friends depend on
me. And I have things
to write. When I am
done I will take my
leave. I want the
suffering to be over. I
want Nirvana. Nirvana
isn't heaven, it's simply
the conclusion to a
finite cycle of rebirth.
The conclusion to one's
-
suffering.

I'd like to see
Chicago, California,
the Bodhi tree, the
sunrise from atop a
mountain, a molten
wall, the inside of a
flame, mucky clotted
blood. A chunk of
clot in a pool of
it.
-
It's not that I don't
know how to ask for
what I want but
that I know I only
get what is deserved,
not what is desired.
I am a parable;
beware of excess. It's
better that I don't
control my own fate
else I'd
meet it. I believe I
am have cancer because I
don't want to believe
-
I will live 60, 70
more years, because
the best of those I
knew did not. When
I hear the Underscores
song I think, know
it too; Everybody's
dead and it's all my
fault. I don't have
the means to be vegan
in a way that is
healthy but I can't
bring myself to eat
dead animal; I've
-
caused enough harm.
I feel too old and
too young. I don't
know how to afford
rent. Not here, not
anywhere. I'd like
to become a Buddhist
monk. Burger King
coffee is bad but not
terrible. [tomo] [pi] [soweli] [moli].
[mi] [olin] [e] [toki pona]. I am as much
an animal as a cow
and know beef as
fallen brethren.
-
I wish to harm and
not harm, to be
caged and free, to
be known and
Anonymous, to love
and to be forgotten.
Pass on my memories.

I am so tired all the
time. Fatigued, weary,
sleepy. I need to
figure out how to get
an apartment. I need
a new social security
-
card. I want to die
because this work is
so hard and will get
harder yet. I want
to have a small
apartment with one or
two close friends full
of pillows and blankets
with a warm picture
tube and modded
Gamecube. How do I
make friends? How do
I afford an apartment
?
-
I do everything
wrong. When I am
praised it is without
sincerity, when I am
held it is without
catharsis, when I am
loved it is without
reality. To fall asleep
I think about cuddling
my girlfriend. I miss
my stuffed shark but
a stuffed shark will
not fit in a backpack.
Nor will aspirations.
-
[mi] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [li] [ike] [lili]. [ni]
	[li]
[ante] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [pini]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [wili] [e]
	[lape].
[mi] [jo] [e] [lape] [lili] [tan] [tenpo] [mun] [pini] [la] [mi] [lukin] [e]
[jan] [moli]. [mi] [moli] [ala] [taso] [mi] [wili] [lukin] [e] [jan]
[moli] [tan] [mi] [wile] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [ala] [moli]. [mi] [olin] [moli]
	[ala].
[mi] [pakala]. [mi] [kama] [sona] [e] [toki pona]. [mi] [toki ike] [e] [toki
	pona]. [o] [toki] [ala].
I got a new pen today. A
Uniball Signo 207 with
"archival quality ink", "used
by professionals". It - and
this is evident in the notebook
in which I write this but
probably won't be if I
ever type it up - writes
-
shittily. Perhaps this is
due to the paper or to the
thin air where I now find
myself. Now it's writing fine
so who knows. I took the
pen apart just now, idly,
didn't have a good grip on
the tip that holds the
spring in, and the tension
released and the tip flew
to the other seat in the
booth of this restaurant. I
hate working here.
-
Today I'm less stressed
because I don't have to
catch a bus to my second
shift. The thought of my
finances still gnaws at
me and the walls are closing
in. The way I'm going isn't
sustainable and one way
or another, by homelessness
or breakdown, I will crumble,
inevitably. I'm not sure what
to do. I'm thinking about
getting a fake identity
and moving to the Balkans
-
or perhaps Kazakhstan. My
current location and situation
is, however, the result of a
similarly spontaneous and
far move, and I'm still
not established here.
My skin is dry. I guess that
wouldn't matter if I
killed myself. Homeless people,
with or without their senses,
are treated like animals. If
you treat people like animals
they will become animals.
The shelter here looks like a cage.
-
Perhaps that's what housing is,
a kennel for a human. The
decorations and dressing make
us forget it. I'm scared of
the future because I don't
know if I will survive it and
I don't want to die. I have
always had a problem with
biting my nails. I have an
oral fixation. I chew half
a pack of gum a day when
I can afford it. Three packs
and two Uniball Signo 207
pens cost $10.46.
-
I worked an hour for them.
How many hours will I need
to work to afford rent? No
matter how many it never seems
to be enough. I'm scared all
the time since I started
feeling emotions again. I miss
being numb but I don't miss
being in the situations that
made me numb. Maybe I
just need to sleep. I can't
fall asleep without either weed
or watching people die on
my cell phone.
-
I saw someone decapitated
by the wheels of a train.
I wondered how bad it would
be to die that way. They looked
so happy on social media. I
try so hard to be kind to
everybody. It has been 2 days
since last I hugged anybody.
I feel so alone. I'm not,
but the being is different
from the feeling. I am sad.
My girlfriend won't text me
back. Its replies were sparse
when I was sleeping outside
-
because it was worried I
would die in the cold. The
people I love most in the
world don't believe I will
ever be successful. I think
I might. If I was
infinitely powerful I would
give the empty houses to those
that need them and an I.D.
to anyone that wanted one.
I would feed the hungry and
transport the travelers. I
would find somebody who
knows exactly how I now feel.
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [ante]
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [ike]. [mi] [pakala]. [mi] [ike] [mute]. [mi] [pali] [moki]
	[e]
[soweli] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [soweli] [moli] [ala]
[taso] [jan ike] [moli] [e] [soweli] [suwi]. [mi] [pakala].
[tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [pali] [moku] [e] [soweli] [suwi] [moli]. [mi]
	[pakala].
[mi] [ike] [seme] [jan ike]. [mi] [pilin ike] [mute]. [mi] [pilin pakala]. [mi]
	[ike] [tawa] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [soweli]. [mi] [ike] [tawa] [ma] [ali]. [mi] [ike]. [mi]
	[pakala].
[toki] [nimi Japanese] [la] [tu] [tu] [pi] [toki pona] [li] [moli]. [mi]
	[pakala]:
[mi] [toki] [e] [ni]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [nanpa] [tu] [tu].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [mun] [ike]. [mi] [pilin ike]
	[mute].
[mi] [toki]. [mi] [pakala].
-
I've done abhorrent, horrible
things, and I don't know how
to make up for them. Killing
myself would be a start.
I wonder what it's like to
be dead. I wish there
wasn't rebirth.
-
i took the bus to work
i'm sorry
car just didn't start
the park
the gas tank full
the lighter
sorry
took the bus to work
i'm sorry
fifty year old man
i'm sorry
bandanna in a bottle
bandanna in a bottle
i drink til my tongue slips
i'm sorry
whatcha sorry for
i'm sorry
took the bus to work
and i think tonight i'm gonna let it hit me
he didn't see it coming
and his pace remained the same
eveloped in fire
did you feel anything?
i'm sorry for the slaughter
but god does my job pay
i bought myself a new car
but can't bear to fill the tank
-
[moli] [li] [pimeja] [e] [mi]
[pimeja] [soweli] [la]
[mi] [len] [e] [mi] [e] [ni]

[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [ni]: [mi] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [pali] [lape]
[mi] [lape] [ala]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]
city square littered with corpses
vendors fallen at their stalls
bags spilled open, coins atwinkle
reflecting moonlight. earthly stars
if you cut one open the blood would be dark red
no oxygen in their system, hypoxia, death instant
civilians struck in a war of which they weren't aware
died for a growing number on a screen
children are among them, and in homes babies cribbed
a bus driver reading a dog eared copy of the tao te ching
four of a chosen family out of broken homes
taken from a cold street to new apartment, optimists
nobody mourns the losses. members of a town too small
in life they all were lovers. now inanimate
a flower sits in a cup, never to be watered again
in the face of inevitability, what has it all meant
city square declared a grave site
by nobody; nobody cares
a dog lays still on the cobblestone
its last experience fitful sleep, a nightmare
-
I'm tired.
-

-
i don't believe in a god
and haven't since i saw a dog
skinned alive
a mess of dripping, florid blood
and muscle and bone
and it let out what screams
can be screamed with what function
its analog to our vocal chords
had left
and kept screaming
shaking, it hanged suuspended by rope
from an oak tree, perhaps maple
the twine brown matching the sand
and dirt and green leaves
and not the unnatural red
of the shivering animal
unable to comprehend even its fate
let alone what brought its aggressors
to take a machete to the starving, matted
thing. how could a merciful, good creator
allow one of her children to experience
such a thing, and not die upon removal
of the face? who would want to survive such
a thing? and especially,
if not only a god is our creator but
the arbiter of our fates,
why did she let someone record it and put it
on liveleak? why did she let me watch it
when i was 14?
-
The mountain, eons old
and wise for what it
has weathered, knows not
to abuse its unimaginable
strength.
The hornet, with a life cycle of days, is given an
appropriately small amount
of venom for its size and
stings unprovoked.
Blame neither.
They reflect the
kindness of their worlds.
-
hope you're doing okay
i'm about to sleep, worked a lot today
will we talk tomorrow?
of course we will babe
that was last month
was I ghosted? I really can't say
I might be single but
I hold onto the hope that it'll message again
what did I say
what did I do
I thought we had something
was it as real to you
how did I push
my dearest dear away
would you tell me if it was over?
was I really so unsafe?
-
do you remember me
i thought what we had was a lot

i always think of you
am i just someone you forgot

we've been dating for a bit
but goddammit, i sort of loved you

when you curl up with [...],
my old plushie, do you think of what you lost

god, i miss you, and i'm so alone
when i sleep i look at my phone
and look at you, comfy, under the sheets.
i hope the blankets don't make you too hot

what did i do to justify a cold shoulder
what did i say to bring famine to my soul
will you return to explain your hiatus
or will you leave me to rot

whatever it was, i'm sorry
and i hope you get back someday

i keep thinking about the solace under the wheels of a train
do you think i'll feel any pain
-
i'm at the bus stop and freezing
do you get what i mean?
it's been a week since you called
am i still in your screen?
i think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
i wanna throw myself into
but that's just how i think
you got tired of me
as a loving girlfriend
faded novelty
and so much repetition
but i liked the routine
and you said it was your happy ending

after every chapter there's another
is a better life what i'll get
no longer so trusting a lover
my heart aches, i should have guarded it
-
It said it loved me but
it hasn't responded to my
text messages in two weeks.
I suppose it's busy but I
haven't even had a single-
word update. It feels like
I'm being avoided. It hurts.
I really did love it. It's hard
for me to love. If it called
and apologized and made it
up to me I don't think it
would fix things. I feel
disrespected as a partner.
-
We're poly and I know
and have known it is seeing
someone else, and am and
have always been fine with
it. Someone else more
important to it. I was
thankful, really, and still am
that it received more than
only I could provide, a 20
year old fast food worker.
I can't compare to its
college scholarships and
leadership roles. I never
wanted or needed to.
-
And I didn't ever call as
much as we planned and
I became more of a recluse
than the person it started
dating. But I've been to its
apartment. I took it on
dates, gave it its favorite
stuffed animal, formerly
mine. We don't have a
long history but we do have
a history. I don't even
know if we're broken up.
Tomorrow will be two weeks.
-
Nearly four months. I feel
doomed to never keep a
relationship longer than
four months.
I wish I had what it
takes to commit suicide.
-
[...] & [,,,]
-> [...] & [,,,] - 9.7km $D
gas price ($G) - $/gal
gas price $g/gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
mileage ($M) -> mi / gal
mileage $m mi / gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
$m mi / liter * 1.6 km / 1 mi -> km / liter
-

-

-

-
It messaged me back.
It too has been having
a rough go of things.
I'm in a downward
spiral. I hate this fucking
Christmas music. I use
gum to forget taste, gore
to desensitize sight, music
to ignore my ears,
cleaning work to burn my
nostrils, weed to feel
nothing and forget the
world of which I wish
I wasn't a part.
-
In fleeting moments of peace
I'm overcome by the beauty
of this simple place. Then
my head by the hair is
dragged back into the dark
mirror and I am once again
submerged in my own misery.
I want my face ripped off,
to drown in my own blood
as it's forced into my nose
by the tubes under my eyes,
to see in the mirror the
muscles that scarcely do
else but frown.
-
When people knock on the
bathroom door I get nervous
and leave and they always
look mad at me. Why?
I was doing what they wish
to do. Why not be sympathetic
to what we have in common
-- a urinary tract, a digestive
system. I never take
very long.
I agreed to start coming
into work earlier. It felt
like signing my death
certificate. I'm so tired.
-
This job doesn't pay
enough. I work 50 hour
weeks to be able to
afford basic necessities,
many of which I still forgo.
I charge a battery pack at
work to avoid using electricity
in the apartment. I take
one short shower a week to
avoid water usage and
electricity for the water
heater. I use my phone
flashlight (charged at work
too) to avoid the overhead
lamps.
-
I spend a lot of time at
work. 6 days a week, 8-10
hour days, some 6s around
so I don't get too much
overtime. I show up an
hour early. I spend about
half an hour on the bus, before
that half an hour at the
stop. Then another half
hour at the stop after work.
That's two and a half
hours I spend either at
work or commuting, plus
the usual 8. 2.6 * 6 = 13hrs + 50hrs working
= 63 hrs out of the apartment
-
Then I sleep 8hrs a night,
or at least set aside that
time for it. 56hrs a week.
I have 49hrs a week past
labor, transit, and sleep.
It's time but I wish I had
more. I and my loved ones
are aging. I wanna spend
the prime decades of my life
playing, creating, socializing.
All I do is labor, if not done
by me then someone else. And
I'm exhausted.
-
What makes matters worse
is that I have some innate,
compulsive need to labor if
on the clock as I am paid
to do. This while those around
me use their cell phones to
watch video and otherwise
idle. I work and they do
not and while I slowly
clean the workplace I
wonder, perhaps realize - though
I had already realized, so
moreso I just turn the
thought around in my head
-
like a dead pig's sausage
rotating on a warmer at a
gas station - why this
place is so dirty.
I want to go somewhere
clean, or to nowhere at all.
I want to love in a shallow
pool of water, in Lao-Tzu's
moon. I want to cease
living. I want to die. I
want to be killed. I want
to kill myself. Because then,
at least, the work will
be over.
-
The voices will quiet. I will
calm and my heart will be
still. I will be not too hot,
not too cold, without aching
muscles or aging joints. I
want this finity not as a
termination of my residence
per se but as a respite from
the Hell for which I
constantly volunteer. Many
lean on me; I lean on
nothing. Many know me.
I know nothing. I love many.
And in my heart know I am alone.
-
I watch a lot of
beheadings and it's
kind of a bummer
that they all focus on
the head and not the
body. The blood pouring
out of the neck as if
champagne
uncorked seriously
arouses me. I unironically
want to behead someone
and fuck their windpipe.
I want to be covered
in blood, someone else's
or my own.
-
I don't know what to
do with this notebook.
Who would want to read
this? What kind of
person would identify
with me?
I took my clothes off
and got in the shower
naked. I feel defenseless
when showering, especially
without a knife beside
me. I shampood my
scalp and conditioned
my hair
-
and I took the
washcloth and scrubbed
at my face but my
face was stuck too well
to my skull to be so
easily removed. I scrubbed
down my chest and arms
and legs and neck and
felt where I'd like someone
to saw at me, disconnect
my head from my heart.
I was thirsty but it
felt weird to drink the
shower water.
-
I'm scared of using soap
because it costs so much.
Scared of shampoo and
conditioner because they
cost so much. The
bathroom light and fan.
The water. I scrubbed
at my feet and the bottoms
were gray, the soles
padded with dead skin
because I spend all
my time walking. I scrubbed
at them but not too
much because I'll take any
padding I can get.
-
I finished and dried
myself with a towel and
got out of the shower
and felt lightheaded and
I don't know why. And
I put on clothes and came
out to the living room.
This is the last page of
the notebook and my
hair smells like lavendar
and my arms like
eucalyptus. And I'm sorry
for being here. At least
I'm finally clean.
-

The notebook on which this was written will be incinerated and I will move on
from thinking about any of this.


/blah/2023-12-12.html

Didn't have time to figure out how to set up TeX. Still don't. Don't have time
to explain. I'm so tired. I'm wearing raw. Like skin torn apart by a fall at
high speed onto a road. Flesh torn from bone, then bone itself ground against
sandpaper. My girlfriend stopped texting back two weeks ago. Marrow leakage.

I'm at the bus stop and freezing
Do you get what I mean?
It's been a week since you called me
Am I still in your screen?

I think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
I wanna throw myself into.
But that's just how I think.

You got tired of me, maybe,
as a loving girlfriend
perhaps the novelty faded
into repetition.

But I liked the routine
and I thought it was a happy ending.

After every chapter there's another
is a better life what I'll get?
Or an ache in my side and
my catacomb cage quiet.

I can't sleep anymore without watching people die on-line. I spend one or two
hours a night on watchpeopledie.tv and I've probably seen most of the videos on
the site, I made an account to track my viewing history so I don't watch the
same stuff over and over. I long to know what it feels like to drown, to burn
alive, to bleed out, to be crushed in the cogs of an industrial machine, to be
shredded, beheaded, to die alone in the cold or the heat or a swampy summer
day. I'm kept alive by decision paralysis and the bitter responsibility to make
the world a significantly better place than I found it. I'm so tired.

I imagine, engulfed in flames, or at the edge of consciousness under the sea,
or within the swiftly closing steel maws of an unknowing automaton, or just
after the machete starts sawing, or at the second gush from the vein, or
simply looking at a dirty brick wall as the last sight on this plane, there is
a moment, brief but potent, of realization and acceptance of what has happened,
and that that one moment is the sweetest bliss of certain finity that could be
given to a mortal. Just a tick, one sixty-fourth of a moment in a snap. I hope
decades from now I can experience it and that it's as serene as I hope.

I wonder if I'm just forgettable. Maybe that's all it is. I don't want to be
forgotten but I do. If my words fade into aether I want my kharma to persevere.


/blah/2023-12-10.html

I feel alone and I wish I wasn't.

I don't think Chimera has tex so I'll figure out how to compile it.


/blah/2023-12-03.html

theater of years
10	George woke up behind the curtains on a mat at the same time as some of
the older folk. Two of them were rocking babies, one nearly a newborn and the
other slightly older.

mod me
	1	Kaoru Akimoto - Dress Down
	2	Weezer - Beverly Hills
	3	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	4	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	5	Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
	6	Penelope Scott - Cigarette Ahegao
	7	Fall Out Boy - Thnks fr th Mmrs
	8	Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
	9	Junko Yagami - [kanji] no BAY CITY
	10	Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
		This is from the Ben Folds album Way to Normal. I went to the
titular Normal on my way to Lincoln and its Amtrack station was just excellent.
	11	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
	12	Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
	13	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
	14	MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
	15	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	16	Gorillaz - Tranz
	17	Steve Lacy - Dark Red
	18	Fall Out Boy - American Beauty/American Psycho
	19	Richard Cheese - Gin & Juice
	20	Liza Anne - I Love You, But I Need Another Year
	21	C418 - Mellohi
	22	Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song
	23	Worthikids - Up
	24	Austin Weber - Mamma Mia
	25	Her's - Speed Racer
	26	glass beach - cold weather
	27	Machine Girl - Athoth a Go!! Go!!
		I've seen them live and it was with the exception of Knocked
Loose the best pit I'd ever been in.
	28	Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Pump It Up
	29	Tally Hall - Cannibal
	30	Oinga Boinga - You Really Got Me
	31	Minus the Bear - My Time
	32	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
	33	Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
	34	TeddyLoid - Fly Away
	35	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
	36	Weezer - Hash Pipe
	37	nelward - Ghost
		This plays on King Possum radio every so often.
	38	Magdalena Bay - Killshot
	39	Electric Wizard - Funeralopolis
	40	Tessa Violet - Wishful Drinking
		I saw half alive live in Boston and Tessa Violet opened. It was
kind of uncomfortable because while I am into women and I think Tessa Violet is
also into women her stage presence wasn't really anything I was into nor
anything with which I strongly vibed. Maybe it's just something for those who
are younger than I.
	41	R.I.P. - 1-800-Sins
	42	Talking Heads - Road to Nowhere
	43	Eyeless in Gaza - Seven Years
	44	my bloody valentine - Lose My Breath
	45	The Cure - Play For Today
	46	Marina and the Diamonds - Venus Fly Trap
	47	Cyclope - L'hymne a l'amour
		Minus diacritical marks.
	48	IVE - ELEVEN
	49	Superorganism - Something For Your M.I.N.D.
	50	Marina and the Diamonds - Bubblegum Bitch
	51	Marina and the Diamonds - Primadonna
	52	ATARASHII GAKKOI - Pineapple Kryptonite
	53	Mareux - The Perfect Girl

christmas music
	1	100 gecs - sympathy 4 the grinch
	2	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Merry Christmas Everybody
	3	Gorillaz - Broken
	4	Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
	5	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
		Coincidentally, I received a Tears concert ticket for Christmas
from either my roommate or his family last year or so.
	6	Wham! - Last Christmas
	7	My Chemical Romance - All I Want for Christmas Is You
	8	Roar - Christmas Kids
	9	Mother Mother - Hayloft
	10	Misfits - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
	11	Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
	12	John Lennon, Yoko Ono - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
		Found on /f/.
	13	Epic Rap Battles of History, Snoop Dogg - Moses vs Santa Claus
	14	K.able, Hatsune Miku - Santa-san wa ROKUDENASHI
	15	Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad
	16	Mag.Lo, O Super - Never
	17	Vierre Cloud - moment
	18	Gorillaz - DARE

batteries included
	1	LVL1 - FVN!
	2	TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
	3	TeddyLoid - Fly Away
	4	Vierre Cloud - moment
	5	Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
	6	Perfume - Electro World
	7	3l3d3p - lbitbt
	8	100 gecs - bloodstains
		This playlist is loosely copied from Usagi's Welcome to Hell
Spotify playlist which I won't be putting here. It accompanied me in 2021 and
2022 but I mainly associate it with my senior year of high school which felt
very fast and very loose and had a lot of parts where I thought I wasn't going
to survive to 18.
	9	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
	10	Honey Claws - Digital Animal
		I can't see the dates on Spotify for Android and I can't use
the web browser open.spotify.com for lack of WideVine on Firefox for the
Raspberry Pi nor the Electron app for lack of a lot of things but this is
definitely from 2022 or so because I recalled this song talking with a coworker
who mentioned this was in Breaking Bad.
	11	100 gecs, Fall Out Boy, Craig Owens, Nicole Dollanganger -[...]
		The artist credits overflow so hard none of the title can be
shown. This is the Fall Out Boy cover of hand crushed by a mallet by gecs.
	12	Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM
	13	TeddyLoid - Theme for Scanty & Knee Socks
	14	TeddyLoid - Corset Theme
	15	100 gecs - mememe
	16	Ado, TeddyLoid - [kangi] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
	17	Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
	18	Grimes - Kill V. Maim
	19	Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
		When this song leaked it leaked as When Will We Be Free and
Kingslayer tied into a single MP3. It may be my favorite of both bands' work.
I looped it while playing through GZDOOM on my Thinkpad T420 on a really nice
NEC SyncMaster or something like that 70Hz LCD display.
	20	The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
	21	Danny Brown - Ain't it Funny
	22	clipping. - Story 2
	23	Zack Fox - fafo
		I always associate Ain't it Funny / Story 2 / fafo with each
other as a series of tracks. Or maybe in the reverse of that order. It makes
sense lyrically and rhythmically and the first time I heard them was something
like that order in the car with Usagi coming back from the bagel place.
	24	Mitchie M., Hatsune Miku - ageageagein
		Transliterated from katakana.
	25	Badflower - Girlfriend
		I've seen Badflower live but I didn't think the track selection
of the set was that great - he opened for My Chemical Romance in September
2022, the day the Queen of England died (REST IN PISS IMPERIAL FUCK).
	26	Pisse - Fahrradsattel
	27	The Moldy Peaches - Little Bunny Foo Foo
		I really love the video vewn did to accompany this song. My
only cotton T-shirt is vewn merch that I got for Christmas from Usagi, I've
seen all their videos on recommendation from Usagi and they're one of if not my
favorite animator.
	28	LIZ - When I Rule the World
	29	Slayyyter - Hello Kitty
	30	Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - PONPONPON
		I can't help thinking of the awful webm Pomf Pomf Pomf when I
think of this song but I really love the song.
	31	Fandroid! - You Signed a Contract
		Cuphead music is a nice niche.
	32	Laura Les - Haunted
	33	WAKUSEI ABNORMAL - furare [kanji]
	34	Sidhu Moose Wala - Mafia Style
	35	Magdalena Bay - Mercurial World
	36	quiizzzmeow, Midix - KATANA
	37	Poppy - All The Things She Said
		Lily (the one from Maine whom I kin) hates this cover and only
likes the original track.
	38	Poppy - Fear of Dying
	39	Mindless Self Indulgence - Bitches
	40	Ck9c, Elizabeth Ann - You Can't Hide
	41	Sleeping With Sirens - Better Off Dead
	42	Marina and the Diamonds - Homewrecker
		When I came back to Maine from Florida and got another Burger
King job I met this dude named Austin and told him, slowly over the course of
many shifts, about how I was going to move across the country on a whim and
that he should live for pleasure and be unafraid of taking risks. He also had
a seemingly abusive girlfriend with whom I encouraged him to break up because
she was seemingly abusive - she threatened to commit suicide when he brought up
maybe taking a break or something, made him cut off contact with his friends
and forbid him from talking with any other women, and just generally seemed
very controlling. He didn't wanna break up with her because he didn't want to
Be Single, as if that was a sordid label. I said honestly man I would rather be
single than be in that relationship. Since that, I associate this song with my
own actions. I didn't fuck him though. Not my type.
	43	Marina and the Diamonds - Power & Control
	44	Mindless Self Indulgence - What Do They Know?
	45	Coco & Clair Clair, Okthxbb - Pretty
		I used to play this song while doing reprehensible things to
others while also wearing really nice outfits. My goal was to give at least one
guy a humiliation fetish while I beat the shit out of him.
	46	Breathe Carolina - Blackout
		I will black out, actually - I always fall asleep 1-2 hours
after getting high. I don't get enough sleep.
	47	t.A.T.u. - All The Things She Said
	48	Poppy - Girls In Bikinis
		One of my sidekick's best catchphrases is "God I love women".
Same, bestie.
	49	100 gecs - money machine
	50	TeddyLoid, Giga, LOLUET - desperate
		Translated from katakana.
	51	JVNLIII - Physical Self
	52	Rebzyyx, hoshie star - all I want is you

Disassembled my GitHub; deleted the last few remaining repositories, made my
account private, and changed the username to trn1ty as well as cleared some
info boxes. Fuck proprietary services.


/blah/2023-12-02.html

depression sterilized
	1	Lipps Inc. - Funkytown
		The first time I heard this song I was probably very young and
listening to 70s radio on a real, FM radio, which is now somewhat rare in a
world of Spotify (the platform on which I made this playlist in 2015-2017) and
FLACs. But I grew up with this song on Windows XP, using the On-Line Radio
feature in Windows Media Player to stream Laut FM, which I think is a German
radio station. Laut's cut of Funkytown was, in my faint decade-since
recollection, only the verses and not the choruses? Which seems wrong but is
what I remember. I would play PrxCraft, Project X Craft, I think named after
Project X Zone, a popular video game, which was at the time still administered
by KevinEssence. After he lost a lot of money gambling in CsGoLotto or whatever
it was he sold the Minecraft server to some other entity and it passed through
many hands and lost value each time, much like Tumblr. PrxCraft had Factions,
essentially typical Survival-mode Minecraft, and I think some other cool game
modes, but my favorite was Skygrid which left you on a grid of blocks in the
sky to slowly find resources and build out an almost normal-looking farm.
	Microsoft Windows XP had, and later Windows didn't, the ability to
place the music controls on the taskbar itself for Windows Media Player so you
could control the music from any other app. It was snazzy stuff at the time
though Linux kids were doing way cooler stuff.
	2	Pink Floyd - Time
	3	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Do It All The Time
	4	Paramore - Hard Times
	5	Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
	6	Eagles - Hotel California
	7	The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
	8	Bobby "Boris" Pickett, The Crypt-Kickers - Monster Mash
	9	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	10	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	11	The Andrews Sisters - Rum and Coca Cola
	12	Guster - Great Escape
	13	America, George Martin - A Horse with No Name
	14	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	15	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	16	Horace Silver - Song For My Father
		In high school I had a crush on a jazz band bass player and at
a band concert the jazz band played this song with his part very noticeable and
some improv near the end. I wanted to know the song well so I could impress him
somehow by knowing of it. High schooler logic. I did eventually get with his
twin brother through a very complicated and convoluted chain of happenings
nobody really expected.
	17	Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
	18	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	19	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
		I had this tape which is why I love this album so much. My cell
phone died whenever it got chilly, which is a common occurence in Maine, but my
Walkman kept trudging through whatever I threw at it whether rain, sleet, or
snow. My first tapes were (in this order) Blue Hawai'i, Monster, Awesome Mix
Vol. 1, and Goldfly. The first two found at a thrift store along with a shitty
wowing cassette player (which I scrapped soon after purchasing) and the second
two I wrote to tape by first burning CDs and then using a Sony combination
boombox.
	20	Genesis - Land of Confusion
		This was my Current Events teacher's favorite song.
	21	The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin
	22	The Licks - Lavender Kiss
		This was the favorite song of an Anonymous person I was talking
to on-line. They were in my area, I think, but we never met.
	23	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	24	Peking Duk - Wasted
	25	The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
		I got this out of a LinusTechTips YouTube video about making
art for one's self and the love of creation.
	26	Childish Gambino - Sober
	27	Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
	28	Caroline Rose - Soul No. 5
		She opened for Guster and I bought the tape of Loser. Really
good album, I used to stay up late to listen to it.
	29	The Beatles - Helter Skelter
		I saw Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie sing this together on the
second Twins of Evil tour.
	30	Charli XCX, Troye Sivan - 1999
	31	AWOLNATION - Table for One
		They opened for Panic! at the Disco.
	32	The Killers - Mr. Brightside
	33	Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
	34	Credence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	35	Flatsound - If We Could Just Pretend
		I've probably cried to this song more than half the times I've
heard it. The guitar tabs are easy and I've cried while playing it, too.
	36	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	37	Dire Straights - Money for Nothing
	38	Beach Bunny - Prom Queen
	39	Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
	40	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	41	Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
		Heard on 1470 WLAM but also as the end song in Granite Flats.
	42	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	43	half alive - still feel.
	44	Radiohead - Videotape
		This song fills me with raw emotion and I can't bear to listen
to it anymore. I skip it when it comes on after the rest of In Rainbows.
	45	Elton John - I'm Still Standing

I'm deleting my Spotify. No more proprietary services.

++work
	1	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
		I impressed the rest of the kids at science camp by making our
Lego EV3 bot play this song while doing the rest of what it was supposed to be
doing. This playlist was my learning to program playlist.
	2	Boney M. - Rasputin
	3	TOTO - Africa
	4	Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
		I got this from a Rick and Morty trailer. This felt really real
to me because by this point I had done some jarring stuff on the Internet.
	5	Guster - Great Escape
		I love this song.
	6	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	7	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	8	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	9	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	10	Oliver Tree - Fuck
		I loved Oliver Tree who was recommended to me by a friend in
Saudi Arabia. I heard he took tabs of his music off some guitar sites recently
though so that's a bummer.
	11	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
		I've seen the 2010 movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World many times
and love it. Haven't read the comic or seen the anime though.
	12	Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
	13	Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation
		The theme for Freaks and Geeks.
	14	Metric - Black Sheep
	15	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	16	Rob Zombie - Dragula
	17	R.E.M. - Let Me In
	18	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	19	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	20	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
		Tears For Fears is still rocking. I went to a recent tour and
they were awesome, their latest album is also really good.
	21	Weezer - Thank God for Girls
	22	Weezer - Island In The Sun
		Usagi's favorite Weezer song.
	23	Yung Bae, Natvnomvzik - Bae City Rollaz
	24	Night Tempo - Koi
	25	T. Rex - Teenage Dream
	26	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
		I also love Cake's cover.
	27	Weezer - Jacked Up
	28	Arctic Monkeys - No Buses
		Recommended to me by Usagi. So was Flatsound now that I think
about it. At first I thought she was talking about the band No Buses who I
remember liking too but I haven't heard them in a long while.

caffeine
	1	Japanese Breakfast - Planetary Ambience
		I found this playlist as an Evangelion-themed playlist on
Spotify and stole it. I'm unfamiliar with most of these artists.
	2	Wishing - Emptiness Is a Closet Full of Your Old Clothes
	3	eevee - early mornings
	4	Beach House - Space Song
	5	Alex G - Sportstar
	6	Dan Deacon - When I Was Done Dying
	7	Little Dragon - Crystalfilm
	8	The Knife - I Just Had To Die
	9	Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely
	10	Anamanaguchi - Planet
	11	Explosions In The Sky - Your Hand In Mine
	12	Anamanaguchi - Endless Fantasy

meister'd
	1	Yoko Takahashi - The Cruel Angel's Thesis (Director's Edit[...]
		Usagi made this playlist for me. I made one for her, too.
	2	The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
	3	Roberta Flack - Killing Me Softly With His Song
		I used to listen to this at work. Flack's album of the same
name is really good. I've never been able to listen to this full playlist
without crying.
	4	Vicke Blanke - Slave of Love
	5	Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Ffunny Ffrends
	6	Roland Faunte - Hand Over Hand
		This was the first playlist I'd download when putting Spotify
on a device. That way if I lost Internet access I could still hear it.
	7	Tally Hall - You
	8	Jack Stauber - Coconut Ranger
	9	Sunbeam Sound Machine - In Your Arms
		I haven't seen Usagi in some months now. I miss her. We text.
	10	Grandaddy - A.M. 180
		We're just friends now but very, very good friends because we
shared a lot of time together. Usagi's like a sister to me. We always imagined
we'd someday be crochety old-timers rocking in chairs on our porch yelling at
the dang kids to get off our lawn.
	11	Crywank - This Song Title Was Too Long (So Now It's Shorter)
		Usagi's the second person to which I came out.
	12	The Drums - Money
		Usagi was my pet name for her and she had one for me. I use the
pseudonym out of respect for her privacy - she's as privacy conscious as I am.
	13	Jinsang - Smile from U.
	14	Car Seat Headrest - It's Only Sex
	15	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
		Usagi's car used to be a big, loud Volvo minivan which handled
poorly and took a lot of skill to drive. She's a damn good driver.
	16	The Growlers - Rare Hearts
	17	Mitski - Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart
	18	The Voidz - Human Sadness
	19	Lustt - Pillow Talk
		We would get sushi together at the supermarket in Auburn. Last
time we did I broke down sobbing in her car because I knew it wouldn't happen
again. I'm half a country away now, also vegan but I guess we could have Oreos
if we went out again. She moved too though.

burger emporor
	1	Weezer - Mirror Image
	2	Weezer - Undone - The Sweater Song
	3	Weezer - Buddy Holly
	4	Weezer - Beverly Hills
	5	Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
	6	Dropkick Murphys - I'm Shipping Up To Boston
		As a former Mainer I'm used to thinking of Boston as South.
	7	Mother Mother - Hayloft
	8	Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance
		This music video made Dance Dance Revolution look Intense.
	9	Mindless Self Indulgence - Shut Me Up
	10	Weezer - Pork And Beans
	11	Twenty One Pilots - Level of Concern
		Technically I was in this music video.
	12	Twenty One Pilots - Morph
	13	100 gecs, Charli XCX, Rico Nasty, Kero Kero Bonito - ringtone
	14	Bring Me The Horizon, YUNGBLUD - Obey
	15	LMFAO, Lauren Bennett, GoonRock - Party Rock Anthem
	16	Death Grips - Get Got
	17	Black Eyed Peas - Pump It
	18	AC/DC - Highway to Hell
	19	Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
	20	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	21	Smash Mouth - All Star
	22	Tape Five - City of Lights
		On a High School band field trip to Virginia the other trombone
player couldn't sleep without listening to metro jazz or whatever so I got used
to it. It's good stuff and wasn't a problem, usually I just fell asleep to a
Saw movie or at the time probably Bloodnun.
	23	Weatherday - Come In
	24	Shiro SAGISU - Fly Me To The Moon - Instrumental Version
	25	Tally Hall - Ruler of Everything
	26	Tally Hall - Banana Man
		I discovered Tally Hall through this music video which was
uploaded as a .swf to 4chan/f/.
	27	Le Tigre - Deceptacon
	28	Plustwo - Melody (1983 Club Vinyl Remix)
	29	A/V Heroes - Pretty Pink Television
		I met the lead singer through, I think, Instagram, maybe a meme
page - @ifuckinghatestuartlittle or something. Really cool guy.
	30	Cypie - Gdzie jest bialy wegorz ? (Zejscie)
		Minus the diacritical marks. I don't have a compose key.
	31	Jim Croce - You Don't Mess Around with Jim
	32	Dolly Parton - 9 to 5
	33	Kenny Rogers - The Gambler
	34	100 gecs - stupid horse
	35	Brooksie - Not Into You
	36	Fall Out Boy - THnks fr th Mmrs
	37	Tally Hall - Turn the Lights Off
	38	Frank Sinatra - My Way
	39	Carpenter Brut, Yann Ligner - Maniac
	40	Frank Sinatra, Count Basie - Fly Me To The Moon
	41	Frank Sinatra - That's Life
	42	Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
	43	MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
	44	The Beatles - And Your Bird Can Sing
	45	The Beatles - Drive My Car
	46	The Beatles - I'm Looking Through You
	47	Thundercat - Them Changes
	48	Freddie Scott - (You) Got What I Need
	49	The Animals - House Of The Rising Sun
	50	America, George Martin - 5 O'Clock World
	51	Eagles - Hotel California
	52	The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
	53	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	54	Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
	55	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	56	half alive - still feel.
	57	Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
	58	Elton John - I'm Still Standing
		This was my Burger King playlist, before I got transferred the
first time.
	59	Billy Joel - Zanzibar
	60	The Strokes - The Adults Are Talking
	61	The Strokes - At The Door
		I found The Strokes because Drew Gooden recommended them in a
YouTube video.
	62	Dead Poet Society - .getawayfortheweekend.
		I later did what this song described.
	63	Dead Poet Society - .georgia.
		Dead Poet Society's song titles remind me of BSD Make
extensions.
	64	Teddyloid - Fly Away
	65	Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM (Booty Bronx [...]
	66	TCY FORCE, Mariya Ise - CHOCOLAT
		I tried to find more Mariya Ise but I think the only other
stuff she's done is voice acting.
	67	Teddyloid - Corset Theme
	68	TCY FORCE, Emyli - Champion
	69	Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
	70	Weezer - Hash Pipe
	71	Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
	72	Vierre Cloud - moment
		I can't listen to this song without thinking about winter 2020
where at many points I thought I was going to freeze to death on walks between
my parents', school, and work.
	73	Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
	74	The Beatles - Helter Skelter
	75	ABBA - Mamma Mia
	76	Paramore - Misery Business
	77	Linkin Park - One Step Closer
		I 100%ed this on Expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS. I
also used this as a backing track for my YouTube clip where I shot a grenade
mid-air with a sniper rifle in Combat Reloaded, a CounterStrike ripoff for the
web browser.
	78	Radiohead - 15 Step
	79	Radiohead - Electioneering
	80	Glen Campbell - Southern Nights
	81	Sweet - Fox On The Run
	82	MGMT - Little Dark Age
		I got this out of Nazi propaganda on /b/ or /gif/.
	83	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Out of Touch
	84	The Cardigans - Lovefool - Radio Edit
	85	Polarkreis 18 - Unendliche Sinfonie
		Found on /f/.
	86	Junko Yagami - BAY CITY
		I can't read the kanji, it's [something] no BAY CITY
	87	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
	88	Outkast - Hey Ya!
	89	Sean Kingston - Eenie Meenie
	90	Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
	91	The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
		100%ed on Expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS.
	92	Nelly Furtado - Maneater
	93	The All-American Rejects - Gives You Hell
	94	Avril Lavigne - Sk8er Boi
	95	Estelle, Kanya West - American Boy
	96	Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl
	97	Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
		By this time I had definitely transferred to the other Burger
King. This was one of my old kitchen manager's favorites. Spot the red flag.
	98	Katy Perry - Hot N Cold
	99	Toploader - Dancing in the Moonlight
	100	Steven Universe - Let Us Adore You
	101	3l3d3p - lbitbt
	102	The Living Tombstone - It's Been So Long
	103	The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
	104	Mindless Behavior, Diggy Simmons - Mrs. Right
	105	Mag-Lo, O Super - Never
		This I also associate with nearly freezing to death.
	106	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
	107	Kesha - TiK ToK
	108	Ashnikko, Hatsune Miku - Daisy 2.0
	109	The Beatles - With A Little Help From My Friends
	110	Boney M. - Rasputin
	111	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
	112	Tears For Fears - Shout
	113	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	114	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	115	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	116	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
	117	Peking Duk - Wasted
	118	The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
	119	Childish Gambino - Sober
	120	Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
	121	Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
	122	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	123	Mitski - Me and My Husband
	124	Mitski - Nobody
	125	The Beatles - Maxwell's Silver Hammer
		The guy on which I had a crush in high school (not the bass
player, his twin) started a high school club for secular humanism which
espoused the values of atheism and anarchism. I was at the time more an atheist
than an anarchist but joined the club for moral support and because I didn't
have much better to do. One day he said he hadn't heard Abbey Road before so we
listened to the album from end to end with my ASUS Aspire One running mocp on
Debian 9.
	126	The Beatles - Oh! Darling
	127	The Beatles - Back In The U.S.S.R.
	128	The Beatles - Rocky Raccoon
	129	The Beatles - Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me [...]
	130	The Beatles - I Am The Walrus
	131	The Beatles - Doctor Robert
	132	The Beatles - Twist And Shout
	133	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	134	OneRepublic - Good Life
	135	Owl City - Fireflies
	136	insaneintherainmusic, Gabe Nekrutman, Chris Allison - Mii [...]
	137	Coolio, L.V. - Gangsta's Paradise
	138	Foo Fighters - My Hero
	139	DMX - X Gon' Give It To Ya
	140	Gorillaz - Tranz
	141	Fatboy Slim - Weapon Of Choice
	142	The Rolling Stones - Paint It, Black
	143	CAKE - Short Skirt / Long Jacket
	144	Fountains Of Wayne - Stacy's Mom
	145	Childish Gambino - Redbone
	146	The Weeknd, Daft Punk - Starboy
	147	Jay & The Americans - Come A Little Bit Closer
	148	Dean Martin - Ain't That A Kick In The Head
	149	Weezer - No Scrubs
	150	Joy Division - She's Lost Control
	151	Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
	152	Taeko Onuki - 4:00A.M.
	153	Fitz and The Tantrums - Out of My League
	154	The London Orchestral Symphony - Paint It Black (Orchestra[...]
	155	Radiohead - Follow Me Around
	156	Radiohead - Spectre
	157	Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
	158	Nothing But Thieves - Forever & Ever More
	159	Nothing But Thieves - Futureproof
	160	Fleetwood Mac - The Chain
	161	Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah - Lake Shore Drive
	162	Looking Glass - Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)
	163	Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
	164	Crystal Castles - Untrust Us
	165	Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
	166	My Chemical Romance - Helena
	167	MGMT - Electric Feel
	168	Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
	169	The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star
	170	The Wannadies - You & Me Song
	171	Candi Staton - Young Hearts Run Free
	172	Stevie Wonder - Superstition
	173	Blue Oyster Cult - (Don't Fear) The Reaper
	174	CAKE - Short Skirt / Long Jacket
	175	SEATBELTS - Tank!
	176	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
		I just noticed this playlist has this song twice.
	177	The B-52's - Love Shack
	178	War - Low Rider
	179	Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
	180	Rick James - Super Freak
	181	Commodores - Brick House
	182	Kid Cudi - Day 'N' Nite (nightmare)
	183	Ween - Ocean Man
	184	Daniel Tidwell - At Doom's Gate (DOOM E1M1)
	185	Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
	186	Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime
	187	Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
	188	Kero Kero Bonito - Pocket Crocodile
	189	Kero Kero Bonito - Small Town
	190	Tsuko G. - Gas Gas Gas (Initial D)
	191	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop
	192	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
	193	Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra
	194	Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner
	195	Steve Miller Band - The Joker
	196	Blondie - Heart Of Glass
	197	King Harvest - Dancing In The Moonlight
	198	Kansas - Carry on Wayward Son
	199	Elton John - Bennie And The Jets
	200	Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London
	201	Blondie - One Way Or Another
	202	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Rich Girl
	203	Stevie Wonder - Superstition
		This also seems to be a duplicate.
	204	Jim Croce - Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
	205	AISHA, Arc System Works - The Disaster of Passion
	206	Guilty Kiss - Shooting Star Warrior
	207	Mother Mother - Hayloft II
	208	Iron Maiden - Run to the Hills
	209	Louis XIV, Jason Hill, Brian Karscig - God Killed the Queen
	210	Taco - Puttin' on the Ritz
	211	Daft Punk - Give Life Back to Music
	212	Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers - Get Lucky
	213	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster Stronger
	214	Elton John, Kiki Dee - Don't Go Breaking My Heart
	215	Gorillaz, Robert Smoth - Strange Timez
	216	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
	217	Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
	218	Gorillaz - Kids with Guns
	219	Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
	220	Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
	221	Gorillaz - Broken
	222	Gorillaz, Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Mos Def - Sweepstakes
	223	Linkin Park - What I've Done
	224	The All-American Rejects - Move Along
	225	Simple Plan - What's New Scooby-Doo?
	226	The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
	227	Steve Miller Band - Take The Money And Run
	228	Village People - Y.M.C.A.
	229	Coldplay - Paradise
	230	LeviathanJPTV - Chug Jug With You
	231	Desired - Eyes on Me
		I've long associated a picture of Desired with WSJ because he
posted that picture and said it was himself - a fit-looking man holding a rifle
surrounded by photoshopped-in anime girls.
	232	Kero Kero Bonito - Only Acting
	233	Heart - Barracuda
	234	Ram Jam - Black Betty
	235	Cascada - Everytime We Touch
	236	TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
	237	Perfume - Electro World
		Originally in katakana.
	238	Oliver Tree - Life Goes On
	239	Jun Senoue, Ted Poley, Tony Harnell - Escape From The City
	240	The Rapture - Sister Saviour
	241	Aretha Franklin - Son of a Preacher Man
	242	The Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil
	243	Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
	244	Queen - I Want To Break Free
	245	Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 2
	246	Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
	247	AC/DC - Thunderstruck
	248	Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
		One of the best guitar lines in history.
	249	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Run Through The Jungle
	250	David Coffin - Roll the Old Chariot Along
		Found on /gif/, a video of this shanty performed by a crowd
relatively near to where I lived. This is my favorite shanty and universally
disliked by those to whom I show it. Last time I showed it to someone they said
they didn't wanna hear the whole thing and skipped to Wellerman.
	251	Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-Changin'
	252	Metallica - Enter Sandman
	253	Men Without Hats - The Safety Dance
	254	Dead Kennedys - Holiday In Cambodia
	255	Kanye West, Jamie Foxx - Gold Digger
	256	Queen, David Bowie - Under Pressure
	257	R.E.M. - It's The End Of The World As We Know It
	258	Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
		My Latin teacher's favorite Floyd track.
	259	Cage The Elephant - Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
		I used to listen to this on repeat while playing Battlefield
1942.
	260	The Rolling Stones - Satisfaction
	261	Foo Fighters - Kids In America - Demo - 1991
	262	The Rolling Stones - Jumpin' Jack Flash
	263	Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf
	264	The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
	265	Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
	266	100 gecs - mememe
	267	ABBA - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
	268	ABBA - Waterloo
	269	ABBA - Super Trouper
	270	Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
		Also 100%ed on expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS.
	271	Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
	272	Nirvana - Come As You Are
	273	Rupert Holmes - Escape
		I have fan theories about this song.
	274	Weezer - Island In The Sun
	275	AmaLee - My Soul, Your Beats!
		In my time as moderator for Socks' Discord server I was often
compared to Tachibana from Angel Beats, so I watched the anime. It made me cry.
	276	The White Stripes - Fell In Love With a Girl
	277	Radiohead - 15 Step
	278	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
	279	Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today
	280	Weezer - Jacked Up
	281	Weatherday - Porcelain Hands
	282	AWOLNATION - Table for One
	283	The Beatles - For No One
	284	Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
	285	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
	286	Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
	287	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
		Duplicate.
	288	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	289	Radiohead - Follow Me Around
		Duplicate.
	290	Blondie - Heart Of Glass
		Duplicate.
	291	The Strokes - Ode To The Mets
	292	Joy Division - Disorder
	293	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
		Duplicate.
	294	Kensuke Ushio - Judgement
	295	Booker T. & the M.G.'s - Green Onions
	296	This Will Destroy You - The Mighty Rio Grande
	297	LVL1 - FVN!
	298	Perfume - Electro World
		Duplicate.
	299	3l3d3p - lbitbt
		Duplicate.
	300	100 gecs - bloodstains
	301	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
		Duplicate.
	302	Honey Claws - Digital Animal
	303	Ado, TeddyLoid - [kanji] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
	304	Grimes - Kill V. Maim
	305	Pink Floyd - Time
	306	Paramore - Hard Times
	307	Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
	308	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	309	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	310	Guster - Great Escape
	311	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	312	Horace Silver - Song For My Father
	313	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	314	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
		I can't keep track of the duplicates so I'm not gonna note them
anymore.
	315	R.E.M. - What's The Frequency, Kenneth?
	316	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	317	Genesis - Land of Confusion
	318	Weezer - Surf Wax America
	319	Weezer - Long Time Sunshine
	320	Weezer - We Are All On Drugs
	321	Weezer - Miss Sweeney
	322	Weezer - Automatic
	323	Weezer - I Don't Want Your Loving
		Death to False Metal and Everything Will Be Alright in the End
were the two albums that defined my September 2019 to March 2020.
	324	Weezer - Memories
	325	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	326	Weezer - Back To The Shack
	327	Weezer - Da Vinci
	328	Weezer - Wind in Our Sail
	329	Weezer - Do You Wanna Get High?
		I stopped listening to Weezer when I lost my virginity.
	330	Pink Floyd - When the Tigers Broke Free
	331	Pink Floyd - The Fletcher Memorial Home
	332	Pink Floyd - Astronomy Domine
	333	Pink Floyd - Lucifer Sam
	334	Boney M. - Rasputin
	335	Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
	336	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
	337	TOTO - Africa
	338	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	339	Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation
	340	Metric - Black Sheep
	341	R.E.M. - Let Me In
	342	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
	343	Yung Bae, Natvnomvzik - Bae City Rollaz
	344	Night Tempo - Koi
	345	T. Rex - Teenage Dream
	346	Arctic Monkeys - No Buses
	347	Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop
	348	The Beach Boys - I Get Around
	349	Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
	350	Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love
	351	Electric Light Orchestra - Don't Bring Me Down
	352	Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
	353	Don McLean - American Pie
	354	Bee Gees - You Should Be Dancing
	355	Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird
	356	Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
	357	Sam Cookie - Wonderful World
	358	Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl
	359	Marvin Gaye, Tammi Terrell - Ain't No Mountain High Enough
	360	The Beach Boys - Surfin' U.S.A.
	361	The Mamas & The Papas - California Dreamin'
	362	The Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
	363	The Beatles - Twist And Shout
	364	The Beatles - She Loves You
	365	The Bobby Fuller Four - I Fought the Law
	366	Donovan - Mellow Yellow
	367	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Moon Rising
	368	Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
	369	Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline
		In summer camp in third or fourth grade I had a crush on a girl
named Caroline with hair like fire and freckles like falling leaves. Never saw
her again.
	370	Marilyn Manson - KILL4ME
	371	Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People
	372	Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
	373	Marilyn Manson - Fated, Faithful, Fatal
	374	Marilyn Manson - Cupid Carries A Gun
	375	Ramones - Pet Sematary
	376	Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way
	377	Radiohead - Karma Police
		I consider myself a Buddhist; I "converted" (seems like a
strong word) about a month ago. I do seek to follow the Dharma. nasin sewi pona
li pona.
	378	Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music
	379	Hombres G - Devuelveme a mi chica
		Minus diacritical marks.
	380	Tennessee - Te vi correr
	381	Owl City - When Can I See You Again?
	382	Panic! At The Disco - Sarah Smiles
	383	Panic! At The Disco - There's a Good Reason These Tables A[...]
	384	Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
	385	Twenty One Pilots - Fake You Out
	386	Twenty One Pilots - Fairly Local
	387	Twenty One Pilots - Polarize
	388	Twenty One Pilots - Choker
	389	Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
	390	chelmico - Easy Breezy
	391	TWRP - Atomic Karate
		I can't see TWRP without thinking of the TWilight Recovery
Partition tool for Android devices.
	392	The Aquabats! - Cat with 2 Heads!
	393	Sex Bob-Omb - Threshold
	394	Gorillaz - 19-2000
	395	Talking Heads - Burning Down the House
	396	Christian French - avalanche
	397	Joji - Gimme Love
	398	a-ha - Take on Me
	399	Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In the Dark
	400	Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance with Somebody
	401	Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
	402	Soft Cell - Tainted Love
	403	Huey Lewis & The News - Hip To Be Square
	404	Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner
	405	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Private Eyes
	406	Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
	407	Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
	408	Daryl Hall & John Oates - You Make My Dreams
	409	The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
		The only non-creepy Police song.
	410	Eurythmics, Annie Lennox, Dave Stewart - Sweet Dreams
	411	Daryl Hall & John Oates - I Can't Go for That
	412	My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You
	413	Shiro SAGISU - ANGEL ATTACK
	414	Shiro SAGISU - MISATO
	415	Shiro SAGISU - Next Episode
	416	Daler Mehndi - Tunak Tunak Tun
	417	Mariya Takeuchi - Plastic Love
		Something is off because this playlist should have 420 songs.
Whatever. My fingers are tired.

intermission
	1	Weezer - Mirror Image
		This is my breakup playlist after Usagi and I split.
	2	Weezer - Jacked Up
		I wanna say April or so 2020? 2021? Probably 2020.
	3	Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?
		It hurt and it took me a long time to get over it.
	4	Weatherday - Porcelain Hands
	5	Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
	6	Tame Impala - New Person, Same Old Mistakes
	7	AWOLNATION - Table for One
	8	The Beatles - For No One
	9	Plustwo - Melody (1983 Club Vinyl Mix)


/blah/2023-11-28.html

the the the end end end of  of  of
end end end of  of  of  the the the

my   friends have accepted their fate now
i've found   solace  in my misery

and the  light in their eyes isn't there
and some hope  in the   emptiness  here

how the beauty     fades so     softly here
but it  looks like my    soul's failing me

is    a testament    to what we bear
because i still hold onto    my fear

poverty, death in this city life
i met a  hobo     on north union

seventy         hour       weeks in fast food
she looked like me   with  differing     clothes

everyone    here just keeps suffering
i asked her how  she  fell  in the hole

and i    sing   to my violent      tunes
she said you're already  here, you know

(together)
and my metal music plays at night
and the skyline's littered with debris
of a simpler, hospitable time
how the hell will i afford to eat


/blah/2023-11-27.html

Dear Princess Celestia,
	Today I learned that the strongest ship is a friendship and that if it
isn't canon you can't accept it as part of the lore without noting the caveats.
Rainbow Dash has never actually worked at a factory that ground young fillies
and colts up into rainbows.


/blah/2023-11-25.html

Neon Genesis Evangelion    | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
---------------------------|------------------------------------
Three kids                 | Six ponies

are taught to harness the weapons only they can use because the
weapons are

their mothers              | inside them

. They're assigned this task by the government, lead by

Gendo Ikari                | Princess Celestia

, who

have captured God          | is God

, because they need to vanquish forces of evil that are
threatening their world. The

kids                       | ponies

are lead by

Misato Katsuragi           | Twilight Sparkle

because only she

recognizes they are human. | can bring the Elements of Harmony
                           | together with their friendship.

Along the way the

children                   | ponies

will grow

father apart               | closer

due to their shared

trauma                     | friendship

. You can watch their journey together on

Cartoon Network's Adult    | Discovery Family
Swim                       |

in

2005-2006.                 | 2010-2019.


/blah/2023-11-24.html

: phones

Phone            | Battery     | Charging jack
Samsung SCH-R390 |        Good | Micro USB-B, no OTG 
        LG UN280 |      Decent | Micro USB-B, no OTG 
iPhone SE (2016) |      Dismal |         Proprietary 
  Unihertz Titan |   Excellent |            USB-C PD
       Pinephone | Upgradeable |            USB-C PD
     Punkt MP-02 |   Excellent |     USB-C but no PD
 Google Pixel 3A |   Excellent |            USB-C PD

Phone            | Codecs                     | Firmware    | Headphone jack
Samsung SCH-R390 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
        LG UN280 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
iPhone SE (2016) | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
  Unihertz Titan |               Configurable | Proprietary |          3.5mm
       Pinephone |               Configurable |  Changeable |          3.5mm
     Punkt MP-02 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |     over USB-C
 Google Pixel 3A |               Configurable | Proprietary |          3.5mm

Phone            | Keyboard             | OS          | SD    | WLAN
Samsung SCH-R390 |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |   No
        LG-UN280 |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |   No
iPhone SE (2016) |             Software | Proprietary |  None |  Yes
  Unihertz Titan |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |  Yes
       Pinephone | Software or hardware |        Open | Micro |  Yes
     Punkt MP-02 |             Hardware | Proprietary |  None |  Yes
 Google Pixel 3A |             Software |        Open |  None |  Yes

Samsung SCH-R390
	Also known as the Freeform 4.
	I used this extensively and enjoyed it at the time.

Samsung SCH-R480
	Also known as the FreeForm 5.
	No significant changes from the FreeForm 4 beyond aesthetics.

LG UN280
	Also known as the Freedom II.
	I used this extensively and enjoyed it at the time.

iPhone SE (2016)
	I used this extensively and despise it.

Unihertz Titan
	I used this extensively and despise it.
	Bad hardware keyboard (no dollar sign).
	Vendor unlawfully non-compliant with GPL 2 licensing on Linux,
		for this reason I would avoid this phone like the plague.

Pine64 Pinephone
	I love this phone a lot.
	Hardware keyboard available as an extension;
		hardware keyboard also adds a second battery,
		tripling the battery life of the phone.
	Firmware is proprietary by default
		but the vendor allows using free firmware.

Punkt MP-02
	Sucks.

Google Pixel 3A
	The official OS is proprietary so I use an old GrapheneOS build.
	100% FOSS phone but reliable unlike the Pinephone.


/blah/2023-11-23.html

Today's Thanksgiving in the United States which historically is a holiday of
some sort that I learned about in school and soon forgot because I didn't get
it. The day's significant to me as a day where usually I can find a good bite
to eat for cheap (though this is my first Thanksgiving vegan) and as a day on
which I am reminded how thankful I am for life as it is right now.

I'm thankful for the ceiling above my head and the couch under my feet. The
walls around the room. The warmth. I'm thankful for the people with which I'm
staying allowing me to be here and I'm thankful for their friendship. One I've
known a couple years but it might as well be forever and they've been there for
me however they could when times were dire and all else was far away, despite
us not being super close super often. The other I knew in passing and now I get
to interact with them in person and they're even cooler than I thought they
were from seeing their stuff on-line. I'm thankful to them for allowing me to
stay here, and thankful to them for being friends of mine, and thankful to them
for what they contribute to the world in kindness in general.

I'm thankful for my backpack and what's in it. I have a number of niceties I
could do without, including the laptop on which I'm typing this, and I'm glad I
have these luxuries and for my luck in this. I'm thankful for my luck in
general. There are many who cannot be inside today. Restaurants close on
Thanksgiving and I worry for those who usually refuge with coffee and their
belongings at tables in the darker areas of dining rooms. It's cold outside.
I'm thankful for the food in my belly and the clothes on my back, especially
for how good the food is here and how clean the clothes are that I'm wearing.
I'm thankful for the shirt I'm wearing which was given to me by Usagichan and
I'm thankful for Usagichan's friendship. I'm thankful for my gym pants I use as
pajamas which were given to me by one of the people who let me stay here. I'm
thankful to my employers - there will be three to consider this tax season -
for the wages with which I provide myself the things I need. I'm thankful for
dry socks and showers and being able to sleep in one layer of clothing.

I'm thankful for my girlfriend and its putting up with my distance, not just my
physical distance but my emotional distance. I don't have the words to express
how much I am thankful for it and I am still as amazed by everything it does as
when we first met. I'm thankful for the lessons partners of the past and recent
past have taught me. I'm thankful for the love that is given to me and has
been.

I'm thankful for my sidekick, my roommates' families, my old friends and future
co-conspirators.

I'm thankful for the contributors to the free software I use. Bastien Dejean
for bspwm, q66 for Chimera Linux, Torvalds for Linux, the thousands of
contributors to the bigger projects, particularly Firefox, Xorg, GrapheneOS.
Emma Tebibyte, Marceline Cramer, and Sasha Koshka are people I talk to on-line
and who make programs I use, and I'm thankful for them.

I would not be the person I am today without the generosity of others and I am
humbled by the ease with which good people do amazing things for the world.


/blah/2023-11-22.html

: getting rogue to compile on chimera linux

BUT automatically and from the netbsd source tree because i <3 netbsd

$ git clone https://github.com/NetBSD/src
$ ^C # never mind it's 2GB
$ curl https://raw.githubusercontent.com/NetBSD/src/trunk/games/rogue/Makefile

note to self meli mail client looks pog

nvm im gonna go get high


/blah/2023-11-18.html

One of the details about Slipstream and its universe of media (that I will
eventually get around to expressing) is that computers are largely invisible,
relegated to the spaces in the walls or servers in cities far away.
Technological literacy, like the skill to repair a car or radio, only persists
among the very highly educated so they may design the infrastructure through
which the Restovus live. This is a time that resembles a hundred years ago more
than today, despite being hundreds of years in the future, with minor details
lost in the fog of sight such as entropy being in places reversed. This also
explains airily notions of "magic" and "time travel". Slipstream in particular
is hard to follow in terms of understanding the underlying technologies, but
they're less to understand and more to accept, like all things far from one's
reality.


/blah/2023-11-17.html

installing the internet archive `ia' client

$ python3 -m pip install internetarchive


/blah/2023-11-16.html

: adding a user to feeling.murderu.us, an alpine linux host

https://wiki.alpinelinux.org/wiki/Setting_up_a_new_user

$ scp id_ed25519.pub feeling.murderu.us:/home/trinity/
$ ssh feeling.murderu.us
	$ doas su -
		# adduser -D user
		# adduser user wheel
		# mkdir -p /home/user/.ssh
		# mv id_ed25519.pub /home/user/
		# chown -R user:user /home/user/.ssh
		# exit
	$ exit
$ exit


/blah/2023-11-15.html

It is hard to cope with happiness. This is the best period of my life ever, bar
none. I have time to learn, discuss, work, clean, I'm wearing clean clothes and
can take regular showers. I don't know how to process it. I've never in my life
been in such a good environment with such good friends and I don't know how to
cope with getting rides everywhere, having meals made for me, my laundry done
by someone else.

I've been very self sufficient for a little while now. I did my laundry at
either a laundromat with money I had earned from work or with my own hands in a
work sink with soap purchased with money I had earned from work. Often the
latter so I could afford to eat food I had prepared with ingredients I had
purchased with money I had earned from work, or food I had prepared during
work. A washing machine doesn't fit in a backpack, nor a dryer, though in a
pinch when walking I could hang clothes off the backpack to get at least a side
of them dry before getting to where I could change out of what I was wearing.

In order to change my clothes I had to find a public bathroom, ideally a Burger
King because I was an employee there but in a pinch if I was fast enough a gas
station would work, put my backpack and clothes on the often dirty floor, and
strip down in a stall or in better cases when a stall was a room a full
restroom. I had to do it fast because gas station attendants and fast food
workers can smell homelessness on you, the hopelessness and stench of hand
washed clothing. It is in the modern era equivalent to smelling addiction and
on occasion I would be accused of taking so long in the bathroom to shoot up
heroin. There was never sympathy or understanding or even acceptance. Because I
was homeless, noticeably so, I was considered subhuman, vermin. 

There was no way to take a shower. Gym bathrooms work if you're cisgender or
living in a generally trans-friendly area. I was not. A shower for me was the
bathroom at work, before work, where I used my laundry soap and a bandanna to
swab my arms, face, neck, chest, and armpits. I had to be quick because the
morning workers liked to spread rumors about my being a homeless addict,
an immediately obvious falsehood to those who knew me but slander for those who
didn't. I wasn't troubled that people knew I was homeless because while
violence likes to come for those on the streets, vermin that can be tortured
and killed the same way rats and cockroaches are in apartments, I was charming,
witty, somewhat educated or seemingly, and tried to be as kind as possible to
others. I tried to be a representable member of the unhoused and of the
trannies, to appeal to those cretins with their ceilings and simpler thoughts.

In order to change my clothes, if in the apartment, I take my clothes off and
put different clothes on. In order to take a shower I go to the bathroom, take
my clothes off, and turn the shower tap. Less pain, less ink. Can I get used to
this? Should I? When I see Subarus outside I wonder if I could have survived
the winter. It was cold as fuck sleeping outside in October. Sometimes I wonder
if I did die in that car. If this is heaven. I wonder if I did die in that car
and so now if I am a different person than who entered. I wonder if Toni is
still where I left her in the parking lot, if she's rotting from disuse and if
the cardboard I used to seal the rear window is molding. The picture of Dorian
Grey.


/blah/2023-11-12.html

Happy birthday my dears.

Oedipus

1	Iam nocte Titan dubius expulsa redit
	now night Titan doubt  expel   I return
1	I return at night now to dubious Titan

2	et nube     maestus squalida exoritur iubar,
	&  to cloud sad     foul     become   radiance
2	and to the foul, sorry smog that had become its radiance,

3	lumenque flamma triste luctifica gerens

4	prospiciet avida peste solatas domos,

5	stragemque quam nox fecit ostendet dies.



/blah/2023-11-06.html

Some stuff is failing in Rust. I'll put this stuff here which is part of the
Hearth running processs as a note but I still don't have this working. I got a
job and have been working the last couple days.

$ cargo install cargo-update
$ cargo install cargo-xtask
$ rustup target add wasm32-unknown-unknown
$ git clone https://github.com/hearth-rs/kindling
$ sh -c 'cd kindling; cargo build-root'

I don't remember what I was doing on here. I see these errors:

  = note: clang-16: warning: argument unused during compilation: '-no-pie' [-Wu
          ld: error: unable to find library -lssl
          ld: error: unable to find library -lcrypto
          ld: error: unable to find library -lz
          clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to se

In installing cargo-update, so I guess I'll try

# apk add openssl-devel # did nothing; is installed
# apk add libssl3 # did nothing; is installed

Okay I give up. Whatever.

  --> src/main.rs:23:48
   |
23 |     if let Ok(val) = if let Ok(val) = reqwest::blocking::get(jasima_remote
   |

Cargo.toml:
- reqwest = "0.11"
+ request = { version = "0.11", features = ["blocking"] }


/blah/2023-11-03.html

Rest in peace Jayden Cho-Sargent. 2003-2016.

[05:33] q66: sanchan: that's not a solution and you should not do that
[05:33] q66: libgcc-chimera exists purely for compatibility with prebuilt
             binary software
[05:34] q66: you should fix whatever to not link gcc_s instead

FROM:    ckie
TO:      trinity
SUBJECT: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 05:36:26 +0200

why do thaaattttttttttttttttttttttttt

~>~:::

  😭
  why do that

Why OD THAT ~???
Why Do that.
That's so evil trinity, you could . Like., Not do that. Please?

[cirno_actually_plays_zelda_in_terminal.png]

WH??? y...y....

🥺 🥹 🥹 🥹 😭

x∅x∅
[return address]

ne hone ronnewrn nenh..n rkmrawr ) :
 WA waoo ohoooo o
 w hy yyy mREAWmmmmm

cc [...] says u might'v listenef in so hi u hearxd me ig maybe
    ( only if fae not wearin heapdohn )

FROM:    trinity
TO:      ckie
SUBJECT: Re: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 07:09:06 +0000

do i have permission to put this on my blah https://trinity.moe/blah/

FROM:    ckie
TO:      trinity
SUBJECT: Re: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 14:31:44 +0000

sure maybe leave the attachment out it's meow [...]
[...]

Friendship formed! Hell yeah!

Readers should e-mail me stuff I can respond to on my blah like I'm a real
Buzzfeed journalist or as if I was writing the next Dracula. Epistular
storytelling.

$ ssh root@all.evil
ssh: Could not resolve hostname all.evil: Name does not resolve

allevil.org is available but I don't have money to blow on domains right now.

E-mailing entities like ckie is delightful. What is "e-mail" in toki pona?
toki pona la E-mail pi toki inli li seme? Maybe toki lipu kiwen - metal
documented speech? How can uncertainty be represented in toki pona?

They discussed continental philosophy last night at Sangha. I'm gonna need to
read Anti-Oedipus. Or actually Descartes.

There's a project some friends of mine are working on called Hearth. It just
merged in a sister project, Flue, last night. It's written in extraordinarily
clean Rust and is the reason I'm learning Rust. It's going to be a big deal.

$ git clone https://github.com/hearth-rs/hearth
$ cd hearth
$ cargo build
error: failed to run custom build command for `msdfgen-sys v0.2.1`

Caused by:
  process didn't exit successfully: `/home/trinity/hearth/target/debug/build/ms
dfgen-sys-3ee3a8b654b57797/build-script-build` (exit status: 101)
  --- stderr
  thread 'main' panicked at /home/trinity/.cargo/registry/src/index.crates.io-6
f17d22bba15001f/msdfgen-sys-0.2.1/build.rs:33:13:
  No prebuilt bindings. Try use `bindgen` feature.
  note: run with `RUST_BACKTRACE=1` environment variable to display a backtrace
warning: build failed, waiting for other jobs to finish...

$ cp hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml.orig
$ <hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml >hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml.orig \
	sed '8c msdfgen = {version = "0.2.1", default-features = false, features = ["bindgen", "ttf-parser", "png"]}'
$ cargo build
error: failed to run custom build command for `msdfgen-sys v0.2.1`

Caused by:
  process didn't exit successfully: `/home/trinity/hearth/target/debug/build/ms
dfgen-sys-80b011bd235771f0/build-script-build` (exit status: 101)
  --- stdout
  cargo:rerun-if-env-changed=TARGET_SYSROOT
  cargo:rerun-if-env-changed=CXX_STDLIB

  --- stderr
  thread 'main' panicked at /home/trinity/.cargo/registry/src/index.crates.io-6
f17d22bba15001f/bindgen-0.63.0/./lib.rs:2338:31:
  Unable to find libclang: "the `libclang` shared library at /usr/lib/libclang.
so.16.0.6 could not be opened: Dynamic loading not supported"
  note: run with `RUST_BACKTRACE=1` environment variable to display a backtrace
warning: build failed, waiting for other jobs to finish...

$ doas su -
# apk add clang-devel
$ cargo build
$ # [no dice]


/blah/2023-11-02.html

$ ldconfig -p
$

Oh, right. Hm.

https://pkgs.chimera-linux.org/packages > contents > "ldconfig"
ldconfig belongs to apk:musl-progs.
# apk fix musl-progs
fetch https://repo.chimera-linux.org/current/contrib/aarch64/APKINDEX.tar.gz
fetch https://repo.chimera-linux.org/current/main/aarch64/APKINDEX.tar.gz
(1/1) Reinstalling musl-progs (1.2.4-r4)
OK: 2623 MiB in 982 packages
# ls -l $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx  1 root  root  4 Nov  2 09:48 /bin/ldconfig -> true

Hm.

# unlink /bin/ldconfig
# ls -l $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx  1 root  root  4 Nov  2 09:49 /bin/ldconfig -> true

Uh. I guess I'll ask OFTC#chimera-linux.

This being caused by a system upgrade would explain the initial timestamp of
yesterday at 1700, when probably I ran `# apk -U upgrade` out of habit. I can't
find much on the package browser or anything so I guess I'll just wait for
somepony to get back to me on IRC.

[09:52] sanchan: hey how come ldconfig is linked to true by musl-progs?
[09:53] sanchan: i think this happened after a recent update. i'm on aarch64
                 but a $ unlink /bin/ldconfig; doas apk fix musl-progs re-links
                 ldconfig->true
[10:17] q66:     it's supposed to be, what else would it be
[10:18] q66:     it always was too
[10:46] sanchan: i'm trying to get some rust stuff working and cargo is failing
                 to compile a C dependency for lack of -lgcc_s
[10:46] sanchan: i installed gcc-chimera or whatever it's called but still no
                 dice
[10:47] q66:     okay
[10:48] sanchan: ,/lib/libgcc_s.so.1 exists so it seems like an ldconfig issue,
                 online troubleshooting said ldconfig -p might tell me what's
                 going on
[10:49] sanchan: this isn't my area of expertise
[10:49] q66:     i don't understand how you get to that conclusion
[10:49] q66:     ldconfig isn't a thing with musl
[10:49] q66:     libgcc_s isn't a thing with compiler-rt
[10:49] sanchan: blindly following troubleshooting guides
[10:49] sanchan: i see
[10:51] q66:     glibc has a dynamic linker cache for library lookups, ldconfig
                 controls that cache
[10:51] q66:     musl doesn't have a cache
[10:52] q66:     that's why ldconfig is a symlink to true
[10:52] q66:     so that when something hardcodes calling it, it's a noop
[10:54] sanchan: interesting
[10:55] sanchan: cargo must just not be checking the right dirs or something.
                 i'll play around with it
[10:55] sanchan: thank you!
[10:55] q66:     <@q66> libgcc_s isn't a thing with compiler_rt
[10:55] q66:     something hardcoding lgcc_s is wrong
[10:55] q66:     it shouldn't be doing that

The Chimera Linux IRC channel is really valuable for figuring out system
weirdness but I always feel weird bugging the Professionals^TM for my awful
computer issues.

Rust tickles my brain so I'm gonna work on that instead of this.
Rust says: Package openssl was not found in the pkg-config search path.
I say: # apk add openssl-devel
And so it worked.

Rust says: = note: ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s
I say: Shit.

Okay, so this is an ld error (actually an error in that -lgcc_s shouldn't be
required but whatever).

fn jasima_get() -> Result<json::JsonValue> {
    if let Ok(val) = if let Ok(val) = reqwest::blocking::get(jasima_remote()) {
            let file = File::create(jasima_local());
            file.write_all(val.text());
            Ok(val.text())
        } else if let Ok(val) = read_to_string(jasima_local()) {
            Ok(val)
        } else {
            Err("Unavailable")
        } {
        json::parse(val)
    } else {
        Err("Unavailable")