src/homepage

#!/bin/sh
#llllmmmm11234567892123456789312345678941234567895123456789612345678971234567890
# vim: syntax=:ts=8
set -ex
<"$0" python3 -c '
import os, sys
class File:
	attributes = []; content = ""; substitutions = dict()
	figurative = True; stub = True
	def addattribute(self, *args):
		for a in args: # sloppy but works
			if a == "stub":          	self.stub = True
			elif a == "verbatim":    	self.stub = False
			elif a == "figuratively":	self.figurative = True
			elif a == "literally":   	self.figurative = False
	def __init__(self, **kwargs):
		for key in kwargs:
			if key == "attributes":	self.addattribute(*kwargs[key])
			else:	setattr(self, key, kwargs[key])
files = dict()
for part in reversed(sys.stdin.read().split("\n\n\n")):
	name = "." + part.split("\n")[0]
	if "\t" in "." + name:
		attributes = name.split("\t")[1].split(",")
		name = name.split("\t")[0]
	else:	attributes = []
	if len(name) <= 1 or name[1] != "/" or "ignore" in attributes:
		continue
	content = part.split("\n\n")[0].split("\n")
	substitutions = dict()
	if(len(content) > 1):
		for s in content[1:]:
			s = s.split("\t")
			if len(s) == 2: substitutions[s[0]] = s[1]
	mode = "replace"
	for attribute in attributes:
		if attribute in ["append", "replace"]:
			mode = attribute
	attributes = list(set(attributes) ^ {"append", "replace"})
	content = part[len("\n".join(content))+2:]
	file = File(attributes = attributes, content = content + "\n",
		substitutions = substitutions)
	if mode == "append":
		if not(name in files):
			sys.stderr.write(sys.argv[0] + ": " + name + ": "
				+ "appending to nothing\n")
		else:
			file.content = files[name].content + file.content
	files[name] = file
for name in files:
	if files[name].stub:
		p = ""; s = ""; d = name
		while True:
			d = os.path.dirname(d)
			if (p == ""
					and os.path.join(d, "Prefix")
						in files.keys()):
				p = files[os.path.join(d, "Prefix")].content
			if (s == ""
					and os.path.join(d, "Suffix")
						in files.keys()):
				s = files[os.path.join(d, "Suffix")].content
			if d == "." or (not(p == "") and not(s == "")):
				break
		files[name].content = p + files[name].content + s
	if files[name].figurative:
		content = files[name].content
		for s in files[name].substitutions:
			instances = []
			i = 0
			while True:
				instance = content.find(s, i)
				if instance == -1:	break
				instances += [instance]
				i = instance + len(s)
			if len(instances) == 0:	continue
			for i in reversed(instances):
				content = (content[:i]
					+ files[name].substitutions[s]
					+ content[i+len(s):])
		files[name].content = content
	# TODO error checking
	if not(os.path.isdir(os.path.dirname(name))):
		os.makedirs(os.path.dirname(name))
	with open(name, "w") as fd:	fd.write(files[name].content)
d = ""; bucket = "#!/bin/sh\n"
for name in files:
	d = name
	while True:
		if os.path.dirname(d) == ".":
			mop = ("rm "
				+ "-r " * os.path.isdir(d)
				+ name # yeah this sucks
				+ "\n"
			)
			if not(mop in bucket):	bucket += mop
			break
		else:
			d = os.path.dirname(d)
if len(bucket.split("\n")) > 2:
	with open("./cleanup.sh", "w") as fd:
		fd.write(bucket)
'
test -x homepage.local \
	&& exec ./homepage.local \
	|| test -e homepage.local \
		&& exec sh ./homepage.local \
	|| exit 0


/CNAME	verbatim

www.trinity.moe


/BANNER.txt	verbatim

  /\  |/||\|| _\|||\ |||||/||\|\\//  |\  /|/ \||\|
 /  \   ||  || /|||\\||||  ||   ||   ||\/|| | ||>
/____\ _||__||\\||||\\|||__||_ _||_()||\/||\_/||/|


/license.html

<P>Except where noted, www.trinity.moe is available under the Blue Oak Model
License 1.0.0 as defined below.</P>
<PRE>
Blue Oak Model License, Version 1.0.0

Purpose
	This license gives everyone as much permission to work with this
software as possible, while protecting contributors from liability.

Acceptance
	In order to receive this license, you must agree to its rules. The
rules of this license are both obligations under that agreement and conditions
to your license. You must not do anything with this software that triggers a
rule that you cannot or will not follow.

Copyright
	Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
would otherwise infringe that contributor's copyright in it.

Notices
	You must ensure that everyone who gets a copy of any part of this
software from you, with or without changes, also gets the text of this license
or a link to <https://blueoakcouncil.org/license/1.0.0>.

Excuse
	If anyone notifies you in writing that you have not complied with the
Notices, you can keep your license by taking all practical steps to comply
within 30 days after the notice.  If you do not do so, your license ends
immediately.

Patent
	Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
would otherwise infringe any patent claims they can license or become able to
license.

Reliability
	No contributor can revoke this license.

No Liability
	As far as the law allows, this software comes as is, without any
warranty or condition, and no contributor will be liable to anyone for any
damages related to this software or this license, under any kind of legal
claim.
</PRE>


/homepage.html
$!TITLE	&quot;homepage&quot; documentation
$!DESCRIPTION	one file, one website

<H1>&quot;homepage&quot; documentation</H1>
<H2>the forest</H2>
<P>
homepage is a single-file static site generator written in UNIX sh(1) shell
script, the goal being to contain a website with heirarchical page
organization within a single file that can be run to extract it out to the
filesystem, almost like a self-extracting UNIX tape archive that documents its
own layout in a UTF-8 script closer to English.
</P>
<H2>trees</H2>
<H3>files</H3>
<P>
To add a file to your homepage, append three newlines ('\n', or the
Enter/Return key on your keyboard) to the end of the homepage file, followed
by the path of the file to add. A homepage file path starts with a slash ('/')
and is followed by the path to the file relative to the prefix directory (the
directory containing homepage). A file path that starts with a hash ('#') is
discarded. For all non-slash- non-hash- prefixed file paths, the behavior of
homepage is undefined.
</P>
<H4>file attributes</H4>
<P>
On the same line as the file path, if, after the path, a tab ('\t') is
present, the substring following the first tab in the line and spanning to
and excluding the next tab or newline describes the attributes of the file as
it is exported to the file system. These file attributes are delimited by
commas (',') and there's no limit to the amount of attributes a file can
have, though in the event of conflicting attributes the later attribute
"wins" the conflict.
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>attribute</TH>     <TH>default?</TH><TH>action</TH></TR>
<TR><TD>"figuratively"</TD><TD>yes</TD>
	<TD>Indicates the file should be subject to macro expansion.</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>"ignore"</TD>      <TD>no</TD>      <TD>Ignore the current entry.</TD>
</TR>
<TR><TD>"literally"</TD>   <TD>no</TD>
	<TD>Opposite of "figuratively".</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>"stub"</TD>        <TD>yes</TD>
	<TD>Indicates the file should be exported to the filesystem with the
		appropriate Prefix and Suffix files prepended or appended.</TD>
</TR>
<TR><TD>"verbatim"</TD>    <TD>no</TD>      <TD>Opposite of "stub".</TD></TR>
</TABLE>


/x200t/index.html
$!TITLE Thinkpad X200 Tablet

<SCRIPT TYPE="application/javascript">//<!--
window.onload = window.initializesheets;
//--></SCRIPT>
<H1>Thinkpad X200 Tablet</H1>
<H3>updated 2022-08-11</H3>
<HR ALIGN="left" SIZE="1" WIDTH="25%" />
<P>Contents</P>
<UL>
	<LI><A HREF="#seealso"    >See also</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#camera"     >Integrated camera</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#drive"      >SATA drive</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#drivecaddy" >Drive caddy</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#memory"     >Memory</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#screws"     >Screws</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#software"   >Software</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#stylus"     >Stylus</A></LI>
</UL>
<P ID="seealso">See also</P><UL>
	<LI><A HREF="https://wiki.archlinux.org/title/Lenovo_ThinkPad_X200">Lenovo Thinkpad X200</A> (Arch Wiki)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Thinkpad X200 Tablet and X201 Tablet Hardware Maintenance Manual (fifth edition)</A> (<A HREF="https://web.archive.org/web/20210203043936/https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Archive link</A>)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://linux-hardware.org/?view=computers&model=ThinkPad+X200+Tablet+(All)">Thinkpad X200 Tablet (All)</A> (Linux Hardware Database)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://www.thinkwiki.org/wiki/Category:X200_Tablet">X200 Tablet Overview</A> (Thinkwiki)</LI>
</UL>
<H2 ID="camera">Integrated camera</H2>
<P>
This is FRU 2060 in the hardware maintenance manual.
</P>
<P>
Some models have the camera, some don't.
It will be in the middle of the top of the screen bezel (looking at the screen with the <I>lenovo</I> logo oriented normally); some have a black plastic trapezoidal cover, some have the camera option.
Camera kits are available on-line for the X200 Tablet for around US$15 or so at time of writing.
</P>
<H2 ID="drive">SATA drive</H2>
<P>As far as I know, any 2.5" SATA laptop-sized drive will work.</P>
<P>
To replace the drive, locate the drive cover between the stylus holder and RJ-11 modem port on the right side of the laptop.
Unscrew the screw holding in the cover, to which the hard drive icon on the bottom of the laptop under the stylus holder is pointing.
Lift out the cover and there the drive will be exposed.
</P>
<H2 ID="drivecaddy">Hard drive caddy</H2>
<P>
Most of the eBay listings for X200 Tablets don't have hard drive covers or caddies.
You will want a caddy because it makes it much easier to get a drive out, and because it spaces out the drive in the space provided and provides some (minimal) amount of shock protection.
This is especially good for hard disks as you don't want those moving around in your laptop chassis, even if there's no risk of them being disconnected.
</P>
<P>
In a <I>pinch</I> you can use cardboard to space out a drive.
I made out okay using folded cardstock given that my X200 Tablet was going nowhere except my desk.
You should <I>not</I> do this for long periods, not really because there's some risk that increases as time wears on but just because in general it's stupid.
</P>
<P>
The same rubber rails that go around the hard drive, and the same metal thing that you screw onto the drive that has the black ribbon attached used to pull the drive out, are used for the X200, X200S, X200 Tablet, X201, X201S, X201 Tablet, T420, T420S, T430, and T430S, as far as I know.
Rubber rails for the X220 Tablet did not work, nor did the bay cover for the X220 Tablet work for the X200 Tablet.
</P>
<H2 ID="memory">Memory</H2>
<P>
This is FRU 1040 DIMM in the hardware maintenance manual.
The system memory modules and the access panel <I>only</I> have to be removed if the modules specifically are being replaced or if the system mainboard is getting replaced.
</P>
<P>
<A HREF="https://thinkpads.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=43&t=113310">RealBlackStuff says</A>
the X200 Tablet is compatible with <CODE>DDR3-1066 (PC3-8500)</CODE> and <CODE>DDR3-1333 (PC3-10600)</CODE>.
It's possible to have 8GB memory installed.
<A HREF="https://www.ebay.com/usr/laptopused">eBay seller laptopused</A> correlates that <CODE>DDR3-1333</CODE> dual-rank memory should work.
Apparently for technical reasons the X200 Tablet must take 2Rx8 memory; two ranks of eight chips, and for 8GB memory, 256MB per chip (divide 8192MB by 2 modules * 2 ranks * 8 chips).
</P>
<P>
OEM-configured laptops can have <CODE>DDR3-1066</CODE> memory from Elpida or Samsung.
<A HREF="https://www.laptopmag.com/reviews/laptops/lenovo-thinkpad-x200-tablet">Laptop Mag says</A> the laptop came with 2GB RAM by default and is upgradeable to 4GB but most laptops for sale secondhand have 4GB memory installed.
Types 7449-43U and 7450-EYU came with 2x2GB <CODE>DDR3-1066 SO-DIMM (PC3-8500)</CODE>.
</P>
<P>
I got in touch with eBay seller <A HREF="https://ebay.com/seller?sid=woosterpsu">woosterpsu</A> who was auctioning off an X200 Tablet to benefit the Electronic Frontier Foundation with 8GB RAM installed and reported in the BIOS.
The seller sent me an image of the installed memory: a Hynix 4GB 2Rx8 PC3-10600S and a Dell P/N SNPX830DC/4G, both scavenged from other laptops.
These are <I>confirmed working</I> in a Core2 Duo L9400 X200 Tablet.
</P>
<H2 ID="screws">Screws</H2>
<P>
Per the hardware maintenance manual (page 225), the following screws are necessary for full assembly of the X200 Tablet:
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>Quantity</TH> <TH>Head</TH> <TH>Length</TH> <TH>Style</TH>                  <TH>Color</TH> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M1.6</TD> <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>2.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>11</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Flat head</TD>              <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>18</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>3</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>13</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Stud (height=4.2mm)</TD>    <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Stud (height=5.5mm)</TD>    <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>6</TD>        <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>9</TD>        <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>8mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M3</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head (HDD screw)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
</TABLE>
<P>
Additionally listed are 9 circular screw caps and 6 square screw caps.
</P>
<P>
Two screw kits are listed with part numbers <CODE>45N3139</CODE> and <CODE>60Y4164</CODE>.
The difference is that <CODE>45N3139</CODE> has one more M2x3.5mm silver wafer head screw listed (18 versus 17).
<CODE>45N3139</CODE>'s contents in particular are reflected in the table above.
</P>
<P>On page 79 of the hardware maintenance manual some very rarely-noted screw notices are listed that are worth repeating, though it's up to the maintainer to follow the practices they so choose:</P>
<UL>
	<LI>Always use new screws. (This is repeated earlier in the page; according to the manual, ThinkPad Notebooks have "special nylon-coated screws" that should be used only once.)</LI>
	<LI>Use a torque screwdriver if you have one.</LI>
	<LI>When tightening plastic against plastic, turn an additional 90 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
	<LI>When tightening logic cards against plastic, turn an additional 180 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
	<LI>If you have a torque driver, refer to the "Torque" column for each step.</LI>
	<LI>
Make sure that you use the correct screw.
If you have a torque screwdriver, tighten all screws firmly to the torque shown in the table.
<B>Never use a screw that you removed. Use a new one. Make sure that all of the screws are tightened firmly.</B>
	</LI>
</UL>
<H2 ID="software">Software</H2>
<P>
For some procedures in the hardware maintenance manual a ThinkPad Hardware Maintenance Diskette is needed.
This was available only to licensed dealers.
</P>
<P>
Here's a chart of executable names relevant to the X200 Tablet as provided from Lenovo and their product names.
A lot of this is sourced from hearsay and olden lore so it may not be fully accurate, and definitely isn't complete.
Also, I trimmed down redundant sections of product names - for example, <CODE>7wuj45uc.iso</CODE> is actually <I>BIOS Update Bootable CD <B>for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP - ThinkPad</B></I> but if it's bootable itself operating system compatibility likely doesn't matter.
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>Executable</TH>   <TH>Product name</TH>                                      <TH>Version</TH>     </TR>
<TR><TD>6itr02ww.zip</TD> <TD>BIOS Settings Capture/Playback Utility</TD>            <TD>4.01</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>7wuj45uc.iso</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Bootable CD</TD>                           <TD>3.21</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>7wuj45u6.exe</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Utility for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>3.21</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>6ea118ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Driver for Windows Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>4.92.15.0 / 3.64.15.0</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>6ea160ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Software for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit)</TD> <TD>4.92.12.0</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>maint150.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.50</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>maint160.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.60</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>maint169.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.69</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm23us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.75</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm25us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.77</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm37us.exe</TD> <TD>Unknown</TD>                                           <TD>Unknown</TD>     </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm38us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.89</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>83ts04ww.exe</TD> <TD>ThinkPad BIOS Settings for Windows 7 (32-bit), Vista (32-bit), XP, 2000</TD> <TD>3.03</TD></TR>
</TABLE>
<P>
Lenovo's X200 Tablet downloads won't last forever.
Here's a JavaScript that allows a user to download arbitrary executables from Lenovo's download servers.
</P>
<INPUT ID="executable" VALUE="i7tm38us.exe" />
<INPUT ONCLICK="window.location.href = 'http://download.lenovo.com/ibmdl/pub/pc/pccbbs/mobiles/' + document.getElementById('executable').value;" TYPE="button" VALUE="Download" />
<P>The following operating systems were available pre-installed by the OEM, depending on the variant:</P>
<UL>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows XP Tablet (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (64 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate (32 bit</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Basic (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (64 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (64 bit)</LI>
</UL>
<P>9front system usage is described in the <A HREF="http://fqa.9front.org/fqa3.html#3.2.5.2.1">9front FQA, section 3.2.5.2.1</A>.</P>
<P>Linux system usage is described in detail on the <A HREF="#seealso">Arch GNU+Linux wiki</A> - any Linux or UNIX specific knowledge I have I add to the Arch wiki rather than putting on this page.</P>
<H2 ID="stylus">Stylus</H2>
<P>
The X200 Tablet originally came with a single-button stylus with a gray "eraser".
I found some single-button stylus from eBay, with a red "eraser", and that worked too.
I have a two-button stylus that came with another X200 Tablet but it's as of yet untested.
The Fujitsu T-5000 digitizer pen does work, identically according to <CODE>xev(1)</CODE>.
</P>
<P>
<B>Do not</B> try to insert two-button Thinkpad styluses into the stylus holder of the X200 Tablet as they'll become stuck in there because of how the buttons are shaped.
To remove a stuck stylus the digitizer pen case (part number <CODE>45N3146</CODE>) must be unscrewed and removed from the chassis.
Following the hardware maintenance manual, remove FRUs "1020 Battery pack" and "1060 Keyboard" and follow steps 6 and 7 of the removal process of FRU "1180 DC-in connector, fan, digitizer pen case, and pen switch assembly".
No other FRUs need to be removed, nor do any other steps of the removal process of FRU 1180 need to be followed.
</P>


/hacker-howto/index.html
$!TITLE	How to Become A Hacker

<H2>How to Become A Hacker</H2>
<H3>Deven Trinity Blake</H3>
<P><CODE>&lt;<A HREF="mailto:trinity@trinity.moe">trinity@trinity.moe</A>&gt;</CODE></P>
<P>No Copyright 🄯 2021 Deven T. Blake</P>
<HR />

<H2>Why This Document?</H2>
<P>
A lot of hackers consider Eric S. Raymond's original <A HREF="http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/hacker-howto.html"><I>How to Become A Hacker</I></A> to be definitive, for good reason.
It explains the "hacker philosophy", some key things at which one should be good, and is a good compass that points to What to Learn Next.
I myself stumbled upon the document maybe a decade or so ago, when I was a small impressionable child, and know half of what I do because of where it pointed me.
I think, however, that <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> is a bit dated, so I'm writing this to be a nice complementary piece for those to read <B>after they read esr's original</B>.
</P>
<P>
If you are reading a snapshot of this document offline, the current version lives at <A HREF="http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto">http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto</A>.
</P>

<H2>Basic Hacking Skills</H2>
<H3>1. Learn how to program</H3>
<P>
Python is an okay first language as long as you don't take it too seriously.
As said by smarter people than me, Python is a glue language.
It's slow and a bit basic, but its errors are often easy to solve, so do as much as you can with Python and Python libraries, and do the rest in faster languages.
</P>
<P>
Never touch Java.
Not even once.
While at one point it was promising, it's become a monstrous beast and it must be slain through attrition.
</P>
<P>
When you are good at programming you will think <I>outside</I> of programming languages.
Programming languages are tools for a job.
Some are better suited to some tasks than others.
For example, I would use C as a language for building utilities for myself, as I want them to be blisteringly fast and I know that's easier to do in C than Python.
I've written utilities in Python to know how I want them to behave, and then perfected them by rewriting them in C.
This being said, when learning a language for the first time, <I>master</I> it, <I>then</I> move on.
</P>
<H3>2. Get one of the open-source Unixes and learn to use and run it.</H3>
<P>
<B>Don't</B> try to program on Microsoft Windows.
Seriously.
This is the one mistake almost all beginners make; they'll install fifty different tools onto their MS Windows system in order to make a simple program that doesn't really work because their tutorial only works for UNIX.
Just install a Free UNIX-clone ("clone" in this context is not a bad thing; most Free UNIX-clones are much more practical in this world than the original) and learn how to work in it.
In fact, you may want to learn <I>shell</I> before anything else.
When you know how to
<OL>
	<LI>Make a directory,</LI>
	<LI>Make an empty file within that directory,</LI>
	<LI>Overwrite the file with exactly 500B of random data,</LI>
	<LI>Mark the file as executable,</LI>
	<LI>Print the file to the terminal as readable, hexadecimal data,</LI>
	<LI>And remove the directory and the file,</LI>
</OL>
you will know enough to start on your journey into hacking.
</P>
<P>
BSDs are awesome and I use a BSD myself, but perhaps start with Linux as there's a much bigger community to help you there.
There are no longer any good non-UNIX operating systems.
The importance of choosing a Free operating system cannot be understated.
It's hard to learn from your OS's code when your OS's code is only readable by those within the corporation that made the OS.
</P>
<P>
Don't use Ubuntu as it suffers from many of the flaws that drive non-hacker Windows users to Linux-based systems.
Instead, try Linux Mint, which is based on Ubuntu but without the more annoying issues.
</P>
<H3>3. Learn how to use the World Wide Web and write HTML.</H3>
<P>
View the source code of the original <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> and then read the source code to this webpage.
</P>
<H3>4. If you don't have functional English, learn it.</H3>
<P>
It's unfortunate that English has become the lingua franca of the Internet.
But it's true, it has, and it's more or less required learning if you want to become a hacker.
</P>
<H3>5. Learn to use a search engine.</H3>
<P>
This is my own tip.
<B>This is the most important thing on this page</B>.
How to accomplish this is an exercise left to the reader.
</P>


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a {	color: #fff; }

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/blah/2024-02-06.html

Read Herogasm (2010).
Read Highland Laddie (2011).

psychosecurity - relating to organizational or personal security against
                 psychic tampering (mind control & hypnosis, cognitoviruses
                 & memetics, ethereal processes, et cetera)

I want to proteinmax and get lots of muscle so I taste really good when I'm
killed and eaten. I'm at 7.5lbs on biceps curls but I think I might be close to
being able to move up to 10, though I think my form is wrong. I want a gym
membership.

Typing on the HHKB is still pure sex all these moons later.

I can't think of much to say, my life is a bit mundane lately.

Watching someone text and drive at the same time.

I got a sweater so now I can dress like Andy from The Coffin of Andy and
Leyley. Now I just need my hair dyed black. I swore that would be one of the
first things I'd do upon arriving to this new land but money ain't for nothing
and the chicks sure as hell ain't free.

serotonin softly stole
by postage acid-dipped and sold
lab made a buck
are your eyes wide enough
that you can see life unfold?

I think ESP is going to be an actual security issue within the next hundred
years but I wouldn't bet on it. I do think fringe ether stuff like that is
possible.

1346

"Wow, you're really tense."

Read Butcher, Baker, Candlestickmaker (2011).
Read Hanging Not Punishment Enough (1701).
Read The GNU Manifesto (2008).
Read Evil Maid Just Got Angrier (2013).
Read PRINCE - Modern Password Guessing Algorithm (2014).
Read Measuring Real-World Innacuracies and Biases in Modeling Password
	Guessability (2015).

Yeah I'm really fucking tense. I thought I heard something getting out of the
shower so I drew my (3 inch - pathetic) knife and cleared the corridor kitchen
and living room just like old times. Nothing of course. C'est ne rien.

I want so bad to fucking kill someone. Anyone. I miss the feeling of quickening
pulse beating against my palms and then its slowing and cessation. I come from
a land where gazelles grazed freely in the pairie, unaware their world could
end.

My memories of my former land blur together into one montage of death and life
and love and hell. I remember beating the shit out of- that's not believeable,
I don't believe it. I remember hotboxing my manager's car, habitually. Smoking
everyone else's weed. Being owed a thousand dollars by someone who tried to
strand me in Manhattan. Getting a PS2, giving it to people I thought I liked,
realizing. Getting a Gamecube, loving it, realizing I didn't have anyone with
which to play it, selling it for much less than for which I bought it. Getting
a Wii when I was very young, treasuring it, letting it collect dust as I moved
on to handheld pastures, finding it again, using ponyhax to homebrew it,
treasuring it, sending it along to someone I still think is cool.

I dislike most people I used to know, especially in hindsight. I can't believe
the things I did, nor can anyone else. I tried my damndest to not get any scars
because when I was done what I was doing I wanted to be Done - not marked by my
past. I wore a big, heavy jacket, and big, heavy pants, and big, heavy boots,
and they all got beat to shit really quickly but kept me alright in them. All I
have now are marks from old roadrash and a couple dozen burns on my arms from
work and play. And how did you get in so much trouble if you don't have any
scars...

Cryptanalysts have the upper hand.


/blah/2024-02-04.html

Read The Boys Omnibus 1 (2009).
Read The Boys Omnibus 2 (2010).

I'm counting each of these as a book because they were like 500-600 pages each.
6/100.

2024-02-02

there's something gross about my liver
think my brain's gonna decay
I'm twitching, can't steady my fingers
organs filled; contaminate

I need a drink, oh god I'm dying
I'm fucking dying of this thirst
I think withdrawal's gonna kill me
that is, if I don't kill me first

I need to sanitize my kidneys
need to sterilize my flesh
give me something I can swallow
as the draught runs to my chest

I know it's what you wanted
saw you building up a set
of surgical supplies so you can
dissect me once I'm dead

you know when someone leaves a party
you can talk about them without fear
I never really gave a shit
I'll talk shit when they're here

is that how you will mourn me
when my picture sits on my box
after all the pain that I've made
will my stone say mother fuck

her all she ever did was drink and
bet and fuck and smoke and hurt
all she ever did was lie around
waiting for someone to save her


/blah/2024-02-02.html

Broke up with my girlfriend. Single. Next question.

Read Recursive Programming (1960).
Read A Speech to IBM Field Engineering Branch Managers (1967).
Read Go To Statement Considered Harmful (1968).
Read MIT Guide to Lock Picking (1991).
Read The Code Book (1999).
Read Drive (2005) yesterday.

I'm gonna count the MIT Guide, the Code Book, and Drive as books, bringing my
year's total read books up to 4/100. Pretty sure I'm not gonna make it to 100.


/blah/2024-01-21.html

: hungover diaries

0734 wake up go back to sleep
0800 alarm. ding. text girlfriend. sleep.
0805 alarm. ding
0810 alarm. i'm up i read articles about the spanish (i think) football
     president or whatever forcibly kissing a player and getting booted from
     football itself (they can do that?). it was hyperlinked from a
     web3isgoinggreat site or whatever. neato.
0830 regretting things i messaged people last night but also some of what i
     messaged was really sweet. hemingway was right
0840 kettle on stove water in pot heat in burner
0845 pouring green tea. before this also i unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher
     because we forgot to do it last night (can you guess why)
0850 timer's up, add milk (oat), consider adding vodka, no trin that's why that
     fucker from maine still owes you $80
0900 check bus time tables, sit down, play some angry birds on the 3ds. why was
     angry birds on the 3ds? we were watching jacksfilms and one of the skits
     had angry birds in it
0910 start writing

I am not extremely hungover because I drank a shit ton of water last night,
probably 2-3 liters. I also never really blacked out or did things that were
against my inhibitions. But I also didn't drink a whole lot anyway.

While drinking last night I was overcome with waves of joy so intense I
collapsed and couldn't help myself laughing and rolling on the ground, feeling
the vinyl floor underneath my back.

I've finished my tea and it was really good so I'm making another one. I put
four tea bags in my pocket so I could make green tea at work too.

really the lilies on the ocean floor
would drown in the salt of the churning sea shore
the tide would come swallow the petals in foam
and draw lily petals away from their loam

if i had a mill'on and ni-ne-ty two
dollars i'd hide them in calcified tombs
wooden and brass chests buried on the beach
so i could suffocate my slow-rottin peach

and all of the lillies in under the sea
and all of the flowers drowning in the deep
and all of the orchids awash in the waves
and all of the fruits of the labors of slaves

and all of the gold buried in the ocean
and all of the riches hoarded from their friends
and all of the rockets that reach for the stars
and terraformed rocks glowing red from afar

the rich and the few terrorize many who
would rather send riches so far from the view
of innocent bunches collected for quite
an innocent task, helping others get by

for where there's no gold there's no greed any all
for where there's no wine there's no fight any all
for where there's no load there's no weight any all
for where there's no pain there's no death any all

really the beauty that lounges in calm
dissappears when there is conflict in the song
really the beauty that i've tried to save
rots in its darkness until it's too late

if i had a million and ninety two
dollars i'd find and kill those bastards who
have more money than i and keep it on lock
then i'd burn it and then i'd bury myself

in oil and then i'd fly myself away
to a hot red rock in the middle of space
just to ensure that the ashes themselves
are kept from those who would remake my lived hell


/blah/2024-01-20.html

: why mm(1)

I started working on mm(1) probably around 2020-2021, when I was first
acquainting myself with the inner workings of UNIX-like operating systems which
I had been using for a couple years by then. I can't remember how I noticed it
but it bothered me that there was this cat(1p) utility which took multiple
input files and streamed them successively to standard output:

 [ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
     |_______  |  _______|
            _|_|_|_
           |       |
           |cat(1p)|
           |_______|
               |
               V
        standard output

And then this tee(1p) utility which took from standard input and streamed its
bytes to multiple outputs:

        standard input
               V
            ___|___ 
           |       |
           |tee(1p)|
           |_______|
       ______| | |__________
      |        |            |
 [ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...

And they were separate utilities despite both doing the job of writing input(s)
to output(s). I imagined a hypothetical utility mm(1) that does it all:

 [ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
     |_______  |  _______|
            _|_|_|_
           |       |
           | mm(1) |
           |_______|
       ______| | |__________
      |        |            |
 [ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...

And attempted to write this magical "mm" (as in, "middleman") utility that
would act as a "middleman" for streams before giving up (due to lack of C or
POSIX API experience) for a couple years to practice making easier programs in
UNIX environments.

There are a couple reasons to implement cat(1p) and tee(1p) as separate
utilities:

1) Ease of implementation

	Differentiating input arguments from output arguments would require
	either having a separator mark (which would be ineligant and exclude
	that mark from being a useable file name) or option parsing.

	Imagine a separator mark in the context of a hypothetical utility
	insouts(1):

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ insouts -h
	Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)

	$ printf %s\\n hello\ world
	hello world

	$ printf %s\\n hello\ world >in1

	$ insouts <in1
	hello world

	$ insouts in1 ][ out1

	$ insouts <out1
	hello world

	$ insouts <in1 >][

	$ insouts ][ ][ /dev/stdout
	Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)

	$ insouts ./][ ][ /dev/stdout
	hello world

	What a mess! The file ][ can no longer easily be used with insouts(1),
	which may be acceptable (it's not a sensible file name anyway), but
	it's sacrificed for horrendously ugly syntax featuring stressfully
	unmatched square brackets.

	I've written programs that have used separator marks for arguments,
	namely pscat(1), psrelay(1), and psroute(1) so far, and there are a
	number of additional caveats that come with their particular flavor of
	marker and I've been hesitant about the syntax since I came up with it
	half a year ago. Best not to make more things about which to fret.

	Now imagine option parsing:

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ insouts
	Usage: insouts (-i [input])... (-o [output])...

	$ insouts -i in1
	hello world

	$ insouts -i in1 -i ][ -i out1
	hello world
	hello world
	hello world

	This works for everything and is how mm(1) works. The issue is with
	regards to code itself. Imagine a very basic cat(1) implementation in
	C:

	#include <stdio.h>
	int main(int argc, char *argv[]){
		int c;
		FILE *f;
		int i;

		for(i = 1; i < argc; ++i){
			if((f = fopen(argv[i])) == NULL){
				perror(argv[i]);
				return 1;
			}
			while((c = getc(f)) != EOF)
				putchar(c);
			fclose(f);
		}
	}

	This doesn't conform to POSIX (which requires 'cat -u' to be supported)
	but illustrates the ease of using cat(1)'s arguments: For each
	argument, open it as a file, write it out, close it, and that's it.

	mm(1)'s option parsing for '-i' and '-o' alone, as of writing, are 24
	lines alone, excluding the functions they call. The above program is 16
	lines of code. This weight does also come from supporting "-" as a
	euphemism for /dev/stdin or /dev/stdout depending on whether it was
	used for '-i' or '-o' and trying to create an output file if it doesn't
	exist and without these two features that are unsupported by the above
	program the code for '-i' and '-o' would be considerably lighter, but
	the point is that option parsing adds complexity that can be avoided by
	simply having two utilities.

	Furthermore, options have drawbacks for users.
	
2) Ease of use

	One relatively common use of cat(1p) is to catenate all files matching
	a glob pattern. Imagine:

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3

	$ cat <in1
	hello

	$ cat <in2
	world

	$ cat <in3
	!!!

	$ cat in*
	hello
	world
	!!!

	This use becomes much more tedious with argument parsing:

	$ for f in in*; do mm -i "$f"; done
	hello
	world
	!!!

	And is difficult when it comes to multiple outputs rather than inputs,
	like tee(1p):

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3

	$ touch out1 out2 out3

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3
	out1
	out2
	out3

	$ cat in* | tee out*

	$ cat <out2
	hello
	world
	!!!

	$ for f in out*; do for g in in*; do mm -i "$g"; done >"$f"; done

	$ mm <out2
	hello
	world
	!!!

3) Separation of concepts

	cat(1p) accepts inputs. tee(1p) accepts outputs. It's possible to pipe
	cat(1p) to tee(1p) to glean the benefits of multiple inputs and
	multiple outputs without mm(1).

So why on earth should cat(1p) and tee(1p) be supported by the same utility?

Both cat(1p) and tee(1p) according to POSIX must support options, necessitating
the use of getopt(3p) from <unistd.h>. While '-i' and '-o' are 24 lines in
total, the rest of the options logic is necessary for cat(1p) and tee(1p) and
is unavoidable and outweighs the '-i' and '-o' options, plus much of the '-i'
and '-o' logic is still necessary in both cat(1p) and tee(1p) (supporting "-"
and, in tee(1p)'s case, creating an output if it doesn't exist). Though there
is additional memory juggling due to supporting arbitrary inputs and outputs,
in most uses actual memory use isn't noticeably affected (10 extra bytes for 5
file arguments, or one tenth of the data used by this parenthetical statement).

It is possible to write implementations of cat(1p) and tee(1p) in POSIX shell
script as wrappers on mm(1) and I have done so, so users who want to use globs
can simply call cat or tee as usual.

mm -i input -o output tends to be intuitive for existing shell users once they
learn the name "middleman".


/blah/2024-01-17.html

Read American Psycho (1991). I need a cigarette really, really bad.

I can't afford to renew my SourceHut account right now so these blog posts are
going up on my wobsite in A Bit, whenever I get around to manually building
them. I might set up a build server on feeling.murderu.us for small jobs but I
don't know. I also want to set up a proper VPS for trinity.moe but $60/year
(for Capsul) is a hell of a lot more than $20/year for SourceHut.

It feels weird to have long fingernails.

The Japanese Zen monk tradition according to No Recipe (2018) which someone
with which I'm staying is reading is to not have animals killed specifically
for you but always eat what you are served. I interpret this as well-spirited
and not a rule to dance around, having others act as go-betweens, because that
would suck. I sort of like this and have been rethinking veganism because it is
really inconvenient to have to restrict others' treatment of me; that is, I
can't eat meat that was prepared for me by people who don't know I'm vegan.
Most people don't have a good conception of what is and isn't vegan and will
serve me things that aren't vegan unknowingly.

I wish everyone was vegan but I don't wish to impose my will on others.

I feel shame at the notion that I have eaten something that died, except when
it comes to humans, at which notion I instead feel powerful, because I'm fucked
in the head.


/blah/2024-01-12.html

Read Finding the Still Point (2007).


/blah/2024-01-03.html

states to which i've been
- Maine
- New Hampshire
- Massachusetts
- Vermont
- Rhode Island
- Connecticut
- New York
- New Jersey
- Delaware
- Maryland
- Virginia
- North Carolina
- South Carolina
- Georgia
- Florida
- Pennysylvania
- Ohio
- Indiana
- Illinois
- Missouri
- Kansas
- Colorado


/blah/2024-01-01.html

This year my goal is to read 100 books. I'm digging into the 1980 book Coded
Character Sets, History and Development first, a 535 page tome that is luckily
mostly figures and diagrams. I'm 72 pages into it and it's written not too
dryly which is good because the subject matter is boring as shit (the
ratification of ASCII). Not actually very boring, something that is relevant to
work being done on Bonsai, but still just a slog. I consider it required
reading, though. I think after this I'm gonna read some comics though counting
books will be tricky (per issue? per volume? per arc? per compendium?).

I read No Longer Human (1948) after having already read the Ito adaptation
which was in comparison total dogshit. Read the original only.

I'm applying to another, different fast food joint, for the referral bonus. I
love money.

I'm tracking my cash flow in/out. Let's see how long that lasts.

I stopped biting my nails. That Will last because I've always hated that I do.

I haven't had any Monsters since 2023-12-22.

Hopefully I can keep all of this going. But if I keep just one it'll be good
enough for me.

2022-05-18

: /etc/motd

Welcome to Trinity's Thinkpad X200T.

Unauthorized access is a violation of
United States federal law according to
the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, 18
USC Section 1030.

Mess with the best, die like the rest.


/blah/2023-12-31.html

I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting
but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.

Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm
running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway
working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna
have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little
more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is
Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on
arm64.

This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really
pretty good. I've been less down lately too.

I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just
don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from
home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a
grocery store. Hm.

I'm really optimistic for the future.

Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely
remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.

: the story so far (2023)

Season 2: maladjustment
January
Episode 01: "breaking bad"
	Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking
	for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted
	by one of its friends.
February
Episode 02: "speak"
	The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes
	Trinity to start making people bark for it.
Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"
	Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking
	for an apartment.
Episode 04: "of an age"
	Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing
	with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.
Episode 05: "mary jane"
	Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the
	consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed
	habitually.
March
Episode 06: "phone baseball"
	Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity
	goes vegan and starts writing a book.
April
Episode 07: "isolation"
	Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help
	pay the rent.
Episode 08: "trigger discipline"
	Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.
Episode 09: "the void stares back"
	M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts
	smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.
May
Episode 10: "tablet baseball"
	M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's
	propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts
	sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.
June
Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"
	Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her
	computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.
Episode 12: "fuck teeth"
	The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its
	wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible
	pain. M-- goes on a date.
Episode 13: "a hunger artist"
	Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth
	surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of
	theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.
Episode 15: "make it double"
	M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity
	goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and
	realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go
	missing.
Episode 16: "portland"
	M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of
	M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a
	skateboard.
Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"
	M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,
	stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets
	a scooter.
July
Episode 18: "seven"
	Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine
	before having an epiphany at work and walking out.
Episode 19: "deadly"
	Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in
	the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries
	to leave [...]'s.
Episode 20: "sins"
	Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys
	Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new
	person and has apprehensions about its work.
August
Episode 21: "sean and josh"
	Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving
	away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about
	their division of labor.
Episode 22: "one last time"
	Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back
	to Lewiston.
Episode 23: "the bus out"
	Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on
	Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.
Episode 24: "the best week ever"
	Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.
Episode 25: "stranded"
	Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.
September
Episode 26: "fast forward"
	Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.
	It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.
Episode 27: "reunited"
	Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but
	gets hired on different terms.
Episode 28: "decay"
	Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic
	spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.
Episode 29: "the first time the third time"
	Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and
	[...] get evicted.
Episode 30: "negotiations"
	[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A
	familiar coworker joins her new workplace.
Episode 31: "toni"
	Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.
Episode 32: "riverbanks"
	Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a
	guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high
	school crush.	
Episode 33: "no helmet"
	Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni
	leaks in the rain.
October
Episode 34: "the postal service"
	Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the
	move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's
	calls.
Episode 35: "live fast, die young"
	Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on
	the highway.
Episode 36: "ramona flowers"
	[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at
	Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.
Episode 37: "the great escape"
	Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to
	[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.
Episode 38: "transit"
	After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,
	Illinois.
Episode 39: "carnality"
	Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.
Episode 40: "springs before winter"
	Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a
	library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending
	Sangha.
November
Episode 41: "number four"
	Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a
	similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.
Episode 42: "safe and sound"
	Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.
Episode 43: "in this economy"
	Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet
	a presenter after a talk at the library.
December
Episode 44: "what goes around"
	Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job
	and in a new place, starts to get antsy.
Episode 45: "comes back around"
	Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes
	it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork
	in order, and sprains its foot

: the monster logs

2023-12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so
use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters
and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.
I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?
Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not
big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his
time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,
because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I
can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later
to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus
is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been
brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's
unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned
poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front
windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks
I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a
little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich
and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough
last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight
and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night
crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food
safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated
on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not
particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which
I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways
lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste
the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing
I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at
work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here
knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no
apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It
tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus
to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor
description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,
pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,
another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty
onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I
have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?
There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their
usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't
eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking
hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy
mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket
teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked
in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes
it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their
hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.
The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm
accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing
over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like
$3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.
The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.
2023-12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I
don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a
metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus
now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between
two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I
can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now
finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized
the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French
but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm
at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the
price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.
But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap
of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.
Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical
blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple
juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the
ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're
playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice
and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything
right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.
2023-12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but
without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick
Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in
the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.
There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer
to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.
Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is
dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be
really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the
service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who
frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I
don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The
caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster
Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the
flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at
Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I
haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my
least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much
strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries
being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness
and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild
natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away
with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a
lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.
I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the
shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus
but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most
ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's
gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.
2023-12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by
paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as
expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still
unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes
close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,
"natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?
Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two
other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now
that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules
derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the
citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it
comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because
it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but
also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing
lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will
tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review
I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming
fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.
2023-12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I
don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than
usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white
sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of
shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by
some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one
of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this
flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the
middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country
music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can
was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which
I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime
too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.
Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good
as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a
waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and
utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The
caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me
less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My
head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my
encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I
am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up
on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time
slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part
from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.


/blah/2023-12-26.html

I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his
family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his
work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay
some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is
gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power
pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal
mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and
thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't
know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,
more times than I can count.

What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I
really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.

I'm tired.


/blah/2023-12-25.html

: bonsai

Emma Tebibyte (of tebibyte.media) and I have been collaborating (and by that I
mean fae has a lot of good ideas and I have been writing a lot of mediocre
implementations) on a core utilities suite called Bonsai. A lot of my own
coreutil implementations are leaving my own source tree and being incorporated
into there.

I am not big into maintenance. Maintenance is boring. I strive to write
programs that don't need to be maintained. Bonsai is something that, I hope,
will not have to be maintained -- it will cover the functionality in section 1
of POSIX and be done. I would like Bonsai to offer a POSIX interface despite
the tools being extremely different to prove its worth as being equal to or
better than POSIX. Also to make work easier for programmers who wish to support
Bonsai /and/ GNU or BSD or whatever.

Bonsai's catchphrase or whatever is "seek what they sought". A lot of existing
UNIX utilities are very nice but also jank as hell. See test(1), dd(1) for
overly featureful programs. Test's `!` is identical to Sh's. dd <file1 >file2
is equivalent to cat <file1 >file2 and tee <file1 >file2 minus some buffering
shenanigans. Emma and I are in agreement on the fact that functionality should
be consolidated in some points and split into multiple programs in other points
and mostly in agreement about where those points are.

I'm excited about Bonsai as a compatible improvement to UNIX and excited to
work with Emma on this because fae and I disagree on topics niche and
fascinating and our arguments are always interesting. Not in a Queen / The
Beatles / every rock band ever sort of way where the arguments are cool until
"You don't really care about the band!" but in a way where the disagreements
point out that while UNIX's tools were certainly opinionated on how to do
things, it's hard to say another opinion is objectively better.

This is no sort of announcement, Bonsai is public already in
https://git.tebibyte.media/bonsai/coreutils and you can see the intcmp(1),
scrut(1), and other implementations of mine that have made their way over there
and been deleted from my own source tree. I intend to contribute as much as I
am able but am currently bogged down by the CONTRIBUTING necessitating GPG key
commit signing and my Alpine installation having weird issues with Assuan and
communicating with gpg-agent. It'll be nice to clear out this source tree junk
drawer and put all my dirty laundry out so the world can sniff the musks. I
encourage anyone reading this to file brutal issues and make me cry like a
little baby.

Today is Christmas. Happy Christmas I guess. I'm Buddhist and can now use that
excuse not to celebrate whereas before, when not a believer in any religion, I
would still be expected by many to celebrate Christmas because of consumerism
or whatever. But also I don't know many people who would expect that of me
anymore. I just like Buddhism and excuses to talk about it.

I would love to see Emma Tebibyte become the new Richard Stallman because fae's
just really fucking based. Everything Emma has to say is worth heeding whether
or not you agree with it. These coreutils might be the start of something the
same way GNU's coreutils were but in a way that isn't plagued with all the
baggage GNU and the FSF have had.


/blah/2023-12-24.html

	TRINITY STARTER PACK
	&gt;fucking hates its job
	&gt;UNIX
	&gt;loves its computer but only its own computer
	&gt;"I hate android but this battery life is killer"
	&gt;no unicode support in framebuffer tty, can't figure out wayland
	&gt;anti social, wishes it wasn't
	&gt;doesn't understand references to memes
	&gt;allergic to brands and advertising
	&gt;takes the bus everywhere
	&gt;will tell you why she doesn't like C
           __________
         / _______ //|
       / /|_____/ // |
     / / /| |/  / // | |
   / /_/|_|/| _/ //| |  |
 /_________ //_| || |
|  ______  | /_/  /  /
| | |/ / | | |/ /  /
| | |/_/_| | |/  /
| |/_____| |  /
|__________|/


/blah/2023-12-23.html

sleep invades my brain and blurs my vision so I see
not a single thing except my slowly invading dreams
sleep ponders the leaving of me to quickly sinking sand
in which i'll drown and dessicate, my rest forever as planned

sleep takes over my system, the ELF replacing PID 1
seconds tick by on a hardware clock, timing the mil'seconds gone
sleep and sleep all over again, do while true if true
caffeine will not stop my slow descent into my somnic hell

sleep tortures my mind with terrible visions of futures to be
not a single thing of my dreams will give me a second of peace
sleep will drive its knife inside my chest and into my heart
stabbing by those who love me so my mind can tear me apart

blah blah blah

i'm at yule and have been up nearly 24 hours. wild it affects me so much. i
used to do 48 on 10 off. i think i'm gonna sleep now. good night. i love you.

continued.

no longer 0100.

T1354.

$ cat /etc/issue
	We're in this together.
$ cat /etc/motd
	Get down, make love.

I don't know.

I've had too much social interaction.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	Do you think I could have a glass of water?
	Jesus Christ, I didn't realize we had royalty here. No. Get it
		yourself.
For lack of a sink, for lack of glasses.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	I really need to take a break, I can't breathe.
	You're lazy. You're just gonna ask for another break soon enough
		anyway.
For lack of shade, for lack of sunglasses.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	Can I get a sandwich or something while we're out here?
	We have food at home. Be patient.
For potato chips, for fruit snacks.

How do you ask for what you want without fear of retribution?
	You can't even get water yourself.
		No instruction.
	You're fat and need to lose weight.
		No moderation.
	You need to appreciate what you have.
		No variety.

I suppose at face value it sounds bitchy. Find water without plumbing, find
serenity in motion, find nutrition in processed snacks. I could do it now,
certainly. But I didn't know what a carbohydrate was until this month, maybe
last. Time flies faster as of late.

I love ice cream even though I'm vegan. I met it on video call and we started
talking. I was so flustered at its appearance. It was gorgeous. That's the last
new people I've met. I can't remember how long it lasted the first time. I've
never had more than a first time before. I screwed up and I wasn't too proud to
admit it.

After the first time around it all slipped through my fingers and I was lost in
purple haze and red stains. I replaced my shirts with ones easier to wash in
private and accepted the fate. Then one day I looked around and asked what the
fuck I was doing.

Lost and found is as much a cycle as it is a bin. I lost hoodies often as a
kid, brain fog and scattering and forgotten fabric on a bench. The benches on
the playground were a brown shade of black with holes in them at offsets to not
form a grid but a maze of triangles. I used to play connect the dots with them
and pencils to leave lines of graphite on what was probably some refined sort
of plastic, make triangles out of the holes, then get back from recess and
still be thinking about triangles. All the kids thought I was obnoxious, and I
was. I had a desire for attention not fulfilled at home. Then the distraction
faded into a fog of isolation and the number of friends dwindled down to some
remaining on Instagram, a platform I loathed for its hidden algorithms dragging
many of those I knew into conspiracy theories I had helped create or others I
created singlehandedly, who were absolutely unwilling to move to a more open or
at least seemingly better platform. Then I moved anyway to the darker corners
of the Internet and in among those, unrelated except by topic of interest
(technology freedoms), I found the friends that remain friends to this day. I'm
leaving some things out so as to not write a book here.

At some point I will just disappear. I know this will happen. I'll disappear to
a new life, new style, new identity, new country, and be gone without a trace.
I will die in the remote reaches of a far away landscape of a slow, painful,
lonely death. Nobody will be holding me as the light leaves my eyes, nobody
will appear to come from the heavens to embrace me and beckon me into my next
form of being. I will die, probably of some self infliction that I won't be
able to escape when I realize the gravity of what I have done and find my
regret. In my last moments I will wish things had been different, somehow, some
way. I will wish I took the time I have right now, in this very moment in the
present, to get my shit together. To see a therapist. Quit caffeine. Find a
better job. Get a studio apartment, make more friends, find roommates, go on
dates with my girlfriends, smile, laugh, feel comfortable around many others,
have neighbors, contribute to society both in terms of my employment and my
software I write not for myself but to improve the world, get older, keep
chipping into my 401(k), retire, grow old, cherish memories and make many more,
and die surrounded by those I love in a comfortably decorated room I couldn't
have occupied without the help of those around me. Beckoned to the beyond by
some engineered and pleasant psychedelic and Shine On You Crazy Diamond.

I'm sitting in a fast food joint sipping a coffee and typing this.

I learned not to ask for help from others or rely on anybody but myself at
every turn of my life, every leap of faith into which I fell and every shoulder
on which I leaned that pushed me away. I made missteps, more times than I can
count, but there were a lot of things that just weren't my fault and landed on
me anyway. I have not experienced this since leaving the place that made me.
But I know not to keep gambling after so many consecutive wins. That's why
every cautious step forward, every nervous but rewarded ask, every detail that
goes right, is a reminder that things will go wrong. Luck does not last
forever.

I will disappear when I have no more for which to be here. No friends,
abandoned projects, dead end jobs and rent I can't afford. I am certain it will
happen and my friends are certain it will not. But I was friends with others
who were certain they would see tomorrow and didn't. That is how I think it
will end, not with a whimper but with a bang and more as the luck runs out and
cars strike, bullets pierce, fire roars or whatever other sequence of accidents
seizes the debt I own to balance, the odds swinging back around in luck.

I am insufferable and therapy would fix this but I think I would get committed
if I went. It's irrational but I don't know if Kamikun would ever let me go.

I don't think there's anything out there for me. That's the biggest reason I
would write my EOF byte. But why not wait and see what the future holds?

I drank my last Monster. For real. There will be more caffeine, always. There
might be more romance with energy drinks. But I'm done Monster now, forever.
It's up to you to hold me accountable. Who am I kidding? Who reads this? Please
don't.

I feel like a slut when I give people my website URL.

I apologized. I wanted to visit its state, see it in person, so I could
apologize in person too. It could do whatever it wanted, I didn't expect to
stay with it or anything. Then instead of meeting in meatspace to reconnect it
happened on-line. And we got talking again.

I listen to Slipknot because it was wearing a Slipknot t-shirt. That's the only
reason. I don't think I would have gotten into Slipknot if it wasn't for that.
I fucking love Slipknot, genuinely, and their music got me through some hard
times, hard decisions, absolute actions.

I like it/its pronouns for me. I'm different from a she/her. She/her is fine. I
won't take offense, certainly less offense than being gendered male. But I like
it/its pronouns for myself.

I genuinely love my girlfriends with all my heart and it's hard to imagine
anything short of it no longer being my girlfriends changing that. I loved it
when we stopped talking. I do regret that, I think. I don't like living with
regrets. I wasn't able to reconcile the hurt I had caused and my not being true
to myself. I thought I would hurt it more if we kept talking. I don't think I
would have.

I'm polyamorous and with my other girlfriend we had a much shorter go of things
and I broke up because our relationship was overwhelming. I don't regret
breaking up with her because I still believe I would have hurt her more had I
stayed with her.

Leaving my previous state is the best decision I ever made. Now that I am
constantly made aware, justly, of my bad habits and awful state of living, I
can start to fix it. There are a million things of which I wasn't even aware,
or of which I was aware but not of how to fix them, or simply those that I
didn't care to remedy. I put on black nail polish to stop biting my nails and
it's working. They're longer than they have been in probably a decade. I'm
sleeping well, still plagued with nightmares when I dream but I think they
might pass. I am the sun poking through the clouds before I disappear back into
pessimism and self loathing and I don't know how to fix that. I'll get there
someday.

I criticize means of repair to flesh out technique rather than to be able to
ignore them. As a compulsion it is to be able to ignore them. But they keep
gnawing at my head past the initial repulsion. I don't criticize plans with
which I align but nor do I criticize plans that seem to me to be obviously
infeasible. 

I still can't interact with new people, though, except when forced to do so by
situation or as a means to an end, and when I do I am extremely uncomfortable.
I don't know if I can fix that, I don't know if I want to fix that. Baby steps.

I hope my existing friends live forever. If our friendship doesn't, fine. They
deserve happiness and if that's the means to get there I hope I am tossed to
the side without grief. They deserve happiness and a long duration to have it.
      __________
     / _______  /|
    / /|_____/ / |
   / //||   / //||
  / //||| _/ //|||
 /_________ //_|||
|  ______  ||_///
| ||///  | ||///
| ||//___| ||//
| |/_____| | /
|__________|/      I want to improve.


/blah/2023-12-21.html

I have thought disorder that makes it really hard to convey the things in my
head into things expressed in text. One dimensionally. A string of characters.
Projecting the landscape of my mind is difficult in the same way drawing is.
Trying to force a two dimensional world into 128 characters.
      __________
     / _______  /| I have this thing I like to draw, the frame of a cube. The
    / /| ____/ / | edges of the cube, the spaces between the edges, and then
   / //|||  / //|| the edges behind those spaces. It's a practice in three
  / //||||_/ //||| dimensional visualization. I can't do it. Every time I draw
 /_________ //_||| the cube I draw it wrong. A line is where it shouldn't be, I
|  ______  ||_///  made it inconsistent, some elementary mistake. I suppose a
| ||///  | ||///   lot of people couldn't draw the cube right the first time
| ||//___| ||//    but I feel like I should be able to. That's how conversation
| |/_____| | /     feels. One crucial thing is missing, one inconsistency, and
|__________|/      the whole thing is wrong, and I didn't notice it because it
                   was so hard to do the other edges. To make the thing link
                   up. I don't notice my own circular logic, my own
                   contradictions, and often others don't either. But when they
                   do they say I'm bullshitting them. Really it's the spaces in
                   between, the spaces I can't draw, drawn by the voids in my
                   head, that are bullshitting me.

It's hard to communicate with others for it.

Thought disorder is a symptom, not a disease, as I understand it, but I'm not
gonna read into it, at least publicly. I dissociate. I switch out sometimes or
lose myself in the words. I make word salad. I say things because they sound
good, not because they make sense. Et cetera. Fuck. I'm not continuing this.

It's isolating. The very fabric of my mind is sewn wrong. Differently, yes. I
think similarly to some of my peers whose minds are beyond most. But wrong.
There are little threads that lead to the wrong areas of the cloth, stitches
too long and too short and some put in after, even, the weaving of the factory
to pull closed areas I'd like to have used. M C Esher head.

i'm nesting
	and spinning
		and thinking
			and turning
				and tossing
					and blinking
						and rusting
							decaying
								and dying
									et c.


/blah/2023-12-14.html

: Ruminations

Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-
NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.

Written over the last two weeks or so. Do not read this if you know me
personally and ideally do not read otherwise, either. Do not try to talk to me
about this. I'm not gonna kill myself. I just was ruminating about the idea.

-
I've been thinking
about killing myself;
the coward's way out,
sure, but a way out
nevertheless. I really
want to die. I want to
feel it. I'd like to
drown, to immolate,
to bleed out. I crave
the subtleties of the
experiences that I
cannot fathom. In
my dreams I do; I
am chopped with
axes,
-
slain with swords,
various means of blunt
force. I am both
executed and executioner,
I experience all
perspectives
simultaneously as it
is my subconscious
that renders my
potential fates, and
in the moment I
am cruel, and in the
moment I am kind,
and as the one
-
to die I feel relieved
to go, to be able to
let go of my stresses
and fears for my
longed-for certainty.
I'm tired of the
lucky escapes, the
dei ex machinae. I
feel like a character
of fiction, the pulp
protagonist that
always improbably
makes it out of the
bind. Like my fate
-
is already written,
predestined; sometimes
I can even see the
lines ahead, Kami
knows sections by
heart. I just got
on the bus I wasn't
sure I could afford
and it was free.
Maybe I'm an angel,
compulsively
accomplishing
selfless miracles.
If so, to be an
-
angel is to be in
Hell. Condemned to
goodness. I am so
fucking stressed
because it takes
more and more work
for everything to just
work out. This
morning I thought
I was gonna break
down, actually just
break down. But
that's not in the
pages.
-
I want to be
alive and without
anaesthetic for
my dissection. I
want to see the
scalpel approach
my flesh, feel it
carve me and see
my own pink-dyed
subcutaneous fat.
The crimson viscera.
I want to taste my
own blood as I
succumb to
-
mortality. Done by
[...] or [...] or both.
In my scripted
demise will I
know commfort, will
I have known
comfort? Or will I
faint into a trench
and have the cold
work its way in
from the extremeties.
This morning I cried,
now my sadness had
hardened to a rich,
-
coffee-smooth
bitterness, a numbness
too. I can't keep
friends because I
never interact first,
see myself a burden.
The fuel that weighs
down the ship. Spend
me until you have
nothing left, be free
of me among the
stars. I arrived at
work an hour and a
half early. It's
-
nothing, the time ticks
on regardless. I hate
Christmas music. I am
so alone. [mi] [olin] [ala] [e] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [mi]. I wish to be
primitive, of the
forest, to be solitary.
I would be so lonely
without [...].
I don't talk to the
people close to me
and to others I say
less. I want to taste
my blood. I want to
-
burn myself. I want
to die. But I don't
want to do it. My
friends depend on
me. And I have things
to write. When I am
done I will take my
leave. I want the
suffering to be over. I
want Nirvana. Nirvana
isn't heaven, it's simply
the conclusion to a
finite cycle of rebirth.
The conclusion to one's
-
suffering.

I'd like to see
Chicago, California,
the Bodhi tree, the
sunrise from atop a
mountain, a molten
wall, the inside of a
flame, mucky clotted
blood. A chunk of
clot in a pool of
it.
-
It's not that I don't
know how to ask for
what I want but
that I know I only
get what is deserved,
not what is desired.
I am a parable;
beware of excess. It's
better that I don't
control my own fate
else I'd
meet it. I believe I
am have cancer because I
don't want to believe
-
I will live 60, 70
more years, because
the best of those I
knew did not. When
I hear the Underscores
song I think, know
it too; Everybody's
dead and it's all my
fault. I don't have
the means to be vegan
in a way that is
healthy but I can't
bring myself to eat
dead animal; I've
-
caused enough harm.
I feel too old and
too young. I don't
know how to afford
rent. Not here, not
anywhere. I'd like
to become a Buddhist
monk. Burger King
coffee is bad but not
terrible. [tomo] [pi] [soweli] [moli].
[mi] [olin] [e] [toki pona]. I am as much
an animal as a cow
and know beef as
fallen brethren.
-
I wish to harm and
not harm, to be
caged and free, to
be known and
Anonymous, to love
and to be forgotten.
Pass on my memories.

I am so tired all the
time. Fatigued, weary,
sleepy. I need to
figure out how to get
an apartment. I need
a new social security
-
card. I want to die
because this work is
so hard and will get
harder yet. I want
to have a small
apartment with one or
two close friends full
of pillows and blankets
with a warm picture
tube and modded
Gamecube. How do I
make friends? How do
I afford an apartment
?
-
I do everything
wrong. When I am
praised it is without
sincerity, when I am
held it is without
catharsis, when I am
loved it is without
reality. To fall asleep
I think about cuddling
my girlfriend. I miss
my stuffed shark but
a stuffed shark will
not fit in a backpack.
Nor will aspirations.
-
[mi] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [li] [ike] [lili]. [ni]
	[li]
[ante] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [pini]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [wili] [e]
	[lape].
[mi] [jo] [e] [lape] [lili] [tan] [tenpo] [mun] [pini] [la] [mi] [lukin] [e]
[jan] [moli]. [mi] [moli] [ala] [taso] [mi] [wili] [lukin] [e] [jan]
[moli] [tan] [mi] [wile] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [ala] [moli]. [mi] [olin] [moli]
	[ala].
[mi] [pakala]. [mi] [kama] [sona] [e] [toki pona]. [mi] [toki ike] [e] [toki
	pona]. [o] [toki] [ala].
I got a new pen today. A
Uniball Signo 207 with
"archival quality ink", "used
by professionals". It - and
this is evident in the notebook
in which I write this but
probably won't be if I
ever type it up - writes
-
shittily. Perhaps this is
due to the paper or to the
thin air where I now find
myself. Now it's writing fine
so who knows. I took the
pen apart just now, idly,
didn't have a good grip on
the tip that holds the
spring in, and the tension
released and the tip flew
to the other seat in the
booth of this restaurant. I
hate working here.
-
Today I'm less stressed
because I don't have to
catch a bus to my second
shift. The thought of my
finances still gnaws at
me and the walls are closing
in. The way I'm going isn't
sustainable and one way
or another, by homelessness
or breakdown, I will crumble,
inevitably. I'm not sure what
to do. I'm thinking about
getting a fake identity
and moving to the Balkans
-
or perhaps Kazakhstan. My
current location and situation
is, however, the result of a
similarly spontaneous and
far move, and I'm still
not established here.
My skin is dry. I guess that
wouldn't matter if I
killed myself. Homeless people,
with or without their senses,
are treated like animals. If
you treat people like animals
they will become animals.
The shelter here looks like a cage.
-
Perhaps that's what housing is,
a kennel for a human. The
decorations and dressing make
us forget it. I'm scared of
the future because I don't
know if I will survive it and
I don't want to die. I have
always had a problem with
biting my nails. I have an
oral fixation. I chew half
a pack of gum a day when
I can afford it. Three packs
and two Uniball Signo 207
pens cost $10.46.
-
I worked an hour for them.
How many hours will I need
to work to afford rent? No
matter how many it never seems
to be enough. I'm scared all
the time since I started
feeling emotions again. I miss
being numb but I don't miss
being in the situations that
made me numb. Maybe I
just need to sleep. I can't
fall asleep without either weed
or watching people die on
my cell phone.
-
I saw someone decapitated
by the wheels of a train.
I wondered how bad it would
be to die that way. They looked
so happy on social media. I
try so hard to be kind to
everybody. It has been 2 days
since last I hugged anybody.
I feel so alone. I'm not,
but the being is different
from the feeling. I am sad.
My girlfriend won't text me
back. Its replies were sparse
when I was sleeping outside
-
because it was worried I
would die in the cold. The
people I love most in the
world don't believe I will
ever be successful. I think
I might. If I was
infinitely powerful I would
give the empty houses to those
that need them and an I.D.
to anyone that wanted one.
I would feed the hungry and
transport the travelers. I
would find somebody who
knows exactly how I now feel.
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [ante]
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [ike]. [mi] [pakala]. [mi] [ike] [mute]. [mi] [pali] [moki]
	[e]
[soweli] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [soweli] [moli] [ala]
[taso] [jan ike] [moli] [e] [soweli] [suwi]. [mi] [pakala].
[tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [pali] [moku] [e] [soweli] [suwi] [moli]. [mi]
	[pakala].
[mi] [ike] [seme] [jan ike]. [mi] [pilin ike] [mute]. [mi] [pilin pakala]. [mi]
	[ike] [tawa] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [soweli]. [mi] [ike] [tawa] [ma] [ali]. [mi] [ike]. [mi]
	[pakala].
[toki] [nimi Japanese] [la] [tu] [tu] [pi] [toki pona] [li] [moli]. [mi]
	[pakala]:
[mi] [toki] [e] [ni]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [nanpa] [tu] [tu].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [mun] [ike]. [mi] [pilin ike]
	[mute].
[mi] [toki]. [mi] [pakala].
-
I've done abhorrent, horrible
things, and I don't know how
to make up for them. Killing
myself would be a start.
I wonder what it's like to
be dead. I wish there
wasn't rebirth.
-
i took the bus to work
i'm sorry
car just didn't start
the park
the gas tank full
the lighter
sorry
took the bus to work
i'm sorry
fifty year old man
i'm sorry
bandanna in a bottle
bandanna in a bottle
i drink til my tongue slips
i'm sorry
whatcha sorry for
i'm sorry
took the bus to work
and i think tonight i'm gonna let it hit me
he didn't see it coming
and his pace remained the same
eveloped in fire
did you feel anything?
i'm sorry for the slaughter
but god does my job pay
i bought myself a new car
but can't bear to fill the tank
-
[moli] [li] [pimeja] [e] [mi]
[pimeja] [soweli] [la]
[mi] [len] [e] [mi] [e] [ni]

[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [ni]: [mi] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [pali] [lape]
[mi] [lape] [ala]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]
city square littered with corpses
vendors fallen at their stalls
bags spilled open, coins atwinkle
reflecting moonlight. earthly stars
if you cut one open the blood would be dark red
no oxygen in their system, hypoxia, death instant
civilians struck in a war of which they weren't aware
died for a growing number on a screen
children are among them, and in homes babies cribbed
a bus driver reading a dog eared copy of the tao te ching
four of a chosen family out of broken homes
taken from a cold street to new apartment, optimists
nobody mourns the losses. members of a town too small
in life they all were lovers. now inanimate
a flower sits in a cup, never to be watered again
in the face of inevitability, what has it all meant
city square declared a grave site
by nobody; nobody cares
a dog lays still on the cobblestone
its last experience fitful sleep, a nightmare
-
I'm tired.
-

-
i don't believe in a god
and haven't since i saw a dog
skinned alive
a mess of dripping, florid blood
and muscle and bone
and it let out what screams
can be screamed with what function
its analog to our vocal chords
had left
and kept screaming
shaking, it hanged suuspended by rope
from an oak tree, perhaps maple
the twine brown matching the sand
and dirt and green leaves
and not the unnatural red
of the shivering animal
unable to comprehend even its fate
let alone what brought its aggressors
to take a machete to the starving, matted
thing. how could a merciful, good creator
allow one of her children to experience
such a thing, and not die upon removal
of the face? who would want to survive such
a thing? and especially,
if not only a god is our creator but
the arbiter of our fates,
why did she let someone record it and put it
on liveleak? why did she let me watch it
when i was 14?
-
The mountain, eons old
and wise for what it
has weathered, knows not
to abuse its unimaginable
strength.
The hornet, with a life cycle of days, is given an
appropriately small amount
of venom for its size and
stings unprovoked.
Blame neither.
They reflect the
kindness of their worlds.
-
hope you're doing okay
i'm about to sleep, worked a lot today
will we talk tomorrow?
of course we will babe
that was last month
was I ghosted? I really can't say
I might be single but
I hold onto the hope that it'll message again
what did I say
what did I do
I thought we had something
was it as real to you
how did I push
my dearest dear away
would you tell me if it was over?
was I really so unsafe?
-
do you remember me
i thought what we had was a lot

i always think of you
am i just someone you forgot

we've been dating for a bit
but goddammit, i sort of loved you

when you curl up with [...],
my old plushie, do you think of what you lost

god, i miss you, and i'm so alone
when i sleep i look at my phone
and look at you, comfy, under the sheets.
i hope the blankets don't make you too hot

what did i do to justify a cold shoulder
what did i say to bring famine to my soul
will you return to explain your hiatus
or will you leave me to rot

whatever it was, i'm sorry
and i hope you get back someday

i keep thinking about the solace under the wheels of a train
do you think i'll feel any pain
-
i'm at the bus stop and freezing
do you get what i mean?
it's been a week since you called
am i still in your screen?
i think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
i wanna throw myself into
but that's just how i think
you got tired of me
as a loving girlfriend
faded novelty
and so much repetition
but i liked the routine
and you said it was your happy ending

after every chapter there's another
is a better life what i'll get
no longer so trusting a lover
my heart aches, i should have guarded it
-
It said it loved me but
it hasn't responded to my
text messages in two weeks.
I suppose it's busy but I
haven't even had a single-
word update. It feels like
I'm being avoided. It hurts.
I really did love it. It's hard
for me to love. If it called
and apologized and made it
up to me I don't think it
would fix things. I feel
disrespected as a partner.
-
We're poly and I know
and have known it is seeing
someone else, and am and
have always been fine with
it. Someone else more
important to it. I was
thankful, really, and still am
that it received more than
only I could provide, a 20
year old fast food worker.
I can't compare to its
college scholarships and
leadership roles. I never
wanted or needed to.
-
And I didn't ever call as
much as we planned and
I became more of a recluse
than the person it started
dating. But I've been to its
apartment. I took it on
dates, gave it its favorite
stuffed animal, formerly
mine. We don't have a
long history but we do have
a history. I don't even
know if we're broken up.
Tomorrow will be two weeks.
-
Nearly four months. I feel
doomed to never keep a
relationship longer than
four months.
I wish I had what it
takes to commit suicide.
-
[...] & [,,,]
-> [...] & [,,,] - 9.7km $D
gas price ($G) - $/gal
gas price $g/gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
mileage ($M) -> mi / gal
mileage $m mi / gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
$m mi / liter * 1.6 km / 1 mi -> km / liter
-

-

-

-
It messaged me back.
It too has been having
a rough go of things.
I'm in a downward
spiral. I hate this fucking
Christmas music. I use
gum to forget taste, gore
to desensitize sight, music
to ignore my ears,
cleaning work to burn my
nostrils, weed to feel
nothing and forget the
world of which I wish
I wasn't a part.
-
In fleeting moments of peace
I'm overcome by the beauty
of this simple place. Then
my head by the hair is
dragged back into the dark
mirror and I am once again
submerged in my own misery.
I want my face ripped off,
to drown in my own blood
as it's forced into my nose
by the tubes under my eyes,
to see in the mirror the
muscles that scarcely do
else but frown.
-
When people knock on the
bathroom door I get nervous
and leave and they always
look mad at me. Why?
I was doing what they wish
to do. Why not be sympathetic
to what we have in common
-- a urinary tract, a digestive
system. I never take
very long.
I agreed to start coming
into work earlier. It felt
like signing my death
certificate. I'm so tired.
-
This job doesn't pay
enough. I work 50 hour
weeks to be able to
afford basic necessities,
many of which I still forgo.
I charge a battery pack at
work to avoid using electricity
in the apartment. I take
one short shower a week to
avoid water usage and
electricity for the water
heater. I use my phone
flashlight (charged at work
too) to avoid the overhead
lamps.
-
I spend a lot of time at
work. 6 days a week, 8-10
hour days, some 6s around
so I don't get too much
overtime. I show up an
hour early. I spend about
half an hour on the bus, before
that half an hour at the
stop. Then another half
hour at the stop after work.
That's two and a half
hours I spend either at
work or commuting, plus
the usual 8. 2.6 * 6 = 13hrs + 50hrs working
= 63 hrs out of the apartment
-
Then I sleep 8hrs a night,
or at least set aside that
time for it. 56hrs a week.
I have 49hrs a week past
labor, transit, and sleep.
It's time but I wish I had
more. I and my loved ones
are aging. I wanna spend
the prime decades of my life
playing, creating, socializing.
All I do is labor, if not done
by me then someone else. And
I'm exhausted.
-
What makes matters worse
is that I have some innate,
compulsive need to labor if
on the clock as I am paid
to do. This while those around
me use their cell phones to
watch video and otherwise
idle. I work and they do
not and while I slowly
clean the workplace I
wonder, perhaps realize - though
I had already realized, so
moreso I just turn the
thought around in my head
-
like a dead pig's sausage
rotating on a warmer at a
gas station - why this
place is so dirty.
I want to go somewhere
clean, or to nowhere at all.
I want to love in a shallow
pool of water, in Lao-Tzu's
moon. I want to cease
living. I want to die. I
want to be killed. I want
to kill myself. Because then,
at least, the work will
be over.
-
The voices will quiet. I will
calm and my heart will be
still. I will be not too hot,
not too cold, without aching
muscles or aging joints. I
want this finity not as a
termination of my residence
per se but as a respite from
the Hell for which I
constantly volunteer. Many
lean on me; I lean on
nothing. Many know me.
I know nothing. I love many.
And in my heart know I am alone.
-
I watch a lot of
beheadings and it's
kind of a bummer
that they all focus on
the head and not the
body. The blood pouring
out of the neck as if
champagne
uncorked seriously
arouses me. I unironically
want to behead someone
and fuck their windpipe.
I want to be covered
in blood, someone else's
or my own.
-
I don't know what to
do with this notebook.
Who would want to read
this? What kind of
person would identify
with me?
I took my clothes off
and got in the shower
naked. I feel defenseless
when showering, especially
without a knife beside
me. I shampood my
scalp and conditioned
my hair
-
and I took the
washcloth and scrubbed
at my face but my
face was stuck too well
to my skull to be so
easily removed. I scrubbed
down my chest and arms
and legs and neck and
felt where I'd like someone
to saw at me, disconnect
my head from my heart.
I was thirsty but it
felt weird to drink the
shower water.
-
I'm scared of using soap
because it costs so much.
Scared of shampoo and
conditioner because they
cost so much. The
bathroom light and fan.
The water. I scrubbed
at my feet and the bottoms
were gray, the soles
padded with dead skin
because I spend all
my time walking. I scrubbed
at them but not too
much because I'll take any
padding I can get.
-
I finished and dried
myself with a towel and
got out of the shower
and felt lightheaded and
I don't know why. And
I put on clothes and came
out to the living room.
This is the last page of
the notebook and my
hair smells like lavendar
and my arms like
eucalyptus. And I'm sorry
for being here. At least
I'm finally clean.
-

The notebook on which this was written will be incinerated and I will move on
from thinking about any of this.


/blah/2023-12-12.html

Didn't have time to figure out how to set up TeX. Still don't. Don't have time
to explain. I'm so tired. I'm wearing raw. Like skin torn apart by a fall at
high speed onto a road. Flesh torn from bone, then bone itself ground against
sandpaper. My girlfriend stopped texting back two weeks ago. Marrow leakage.

I'm at the bus stop and freezing
Do you get what I mean?
It's been a week since you called me
Am I still in your screen?

I think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
I wanna throw myself into.
But that's just how I think.

You got tired of me, maybe,
as a loving girlfriend
perhaps the novelty faded
into repetition.

But I liked the routine
and I thought it was a happy ending.

After every chapter there's another
is a better life what I'll get?
Or an ache in my side and
my catacomb cage quiet.

I can't sleep anymore without watching people die on-line. I spend one or two
hours a night on watchpeopledie.tv and I've probably seen most of the videos on
the site, I made an account to track my viewing history so I don't watch the
same stuff over and over. I long to know what it feels like to drown, to burn
alive, to bleed out, to be crushed in the cogs of an industrial machine, to be
shredded, beheaded, to die alone in the cold or the heat or a swampy summer
day. I'm kept alive by decision paralysis and the bitter responsibility to make
the world a significantly better place than I found it. I'm so tired.

I imagine, engulfed in flames, or at the edge of consciousness under the sea,
or within the swiftly closing steel maws of an unknowing automaton, or just
after the machete starts sawing, or at the second gush from the vein, or
simply looking at a dirty brick wall as the last sight on this plane, there is
a moment, brief but potent, of realization and acceptance of what has happened,
and that that one moment is the sweetest bliss of certain finity that could be
given to a mortal. Just a tick, one sixty-fourth of a moment in a snap. I hope
decades from now I can experience it and that it's as serene as I hope.

I wonder if I'm just forgettable. Maybe that's all it is. I don't want to be
forgotten but I do. If my words fade into aether I want my kharma to persevere.


/blah/2023-12-10.html

I feel alone and I wish I wasn't.

I don't think Chimera has tex so I'll figure out how to compile it.


/blah/2023-12-03.html

theater of years
10	George woke up behind the curtains on a mat at the same time as some of
the older folk. Two of them were rocking babies, one nearly a newborn and the
other slightly older.

mod me
	1	Kaoru Akimoto - Dress Down
	2	Weezer - Beverly Hills
	3	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	4	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	5	Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
	6	Penelope Scott - Cigarette Ahegao
	7	Fall Out Boy - Thnks fr th Mmrs
	8	Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
	9	Junko Yagami - [kanji] no BAY CITY
	10	Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
		This is from the Ben Folds album Way to Normal. I went to the
titular Normal on my way to Lincoln and its Amtrack station was just excellent.
	11	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
	12	Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
	13	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
	14	MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
	15	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	16	Gorillaz - Tranz
	17	Steve Lacy - Dark Red
	18	Fall Out Boy - American Beauty/American Psycho
	19	Richard Cheese - Gin & Juice
	20	Liza Anne - I Love You, But I Need Another Year
	21	C418 - Mellohi
	22	Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song
	23	Worthikids - Up
	24	Austin Weber - Mamma Mia
	25	Her's - Speed Racer
	26	glass beach - cold weather
	27	Machine Girl - Athoth a Go!! Go!!
		I've seen them live and it was with the exception of Knocked
Loose the best pit I'd ever been in.
	28	Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Pump It Up
	29	Tally Hall - Cannibal
	30	Oinga Boinga - You Really Got Me
	31	Minus the Bear - My Time
	32	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
	33	Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
	34	TeddyLoid - Fly Away
	35	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
	36	Weezer - Hash Pipe
	37	nelward - Ghost
		This plays on King Possum radio every so often.
	38	Magdalena Bay - Killshot
	39	Electric Wizard - Funeralopolis
	40	Tessa Violet - Wishful Drinking
		I saw half alive live in Boston and Tessa Violet opened. It was
kind of uncomfortable because while I am into women and I think Tessa Violet is
also into women her stage presence wasn't really anything I was into nor
anything with which I strongly vibed. Maybe it's just something for those who
are younger than I.
	41	R.I.P. - 1-800-Sins
	42	Talking Heads - Road to Nowhere
	43	Eyeless in Gaza - Seven Years
	44	my bloody valentine - Lose My Breath
	45	The Cure - Play For Today
	46	Marina and the Diamonds - Venus Fly Trap
	47	Cyclope - L'hymne a l'amour
		Minus diacritical marks.
	48	IVE - ELEVEN
	49	Superorganism - Something For Your M.I.N.D.
	50	Marina and the Diamonds - Bubblegum Bitch
	51	Marina and the Diamonds - Primadonna
	52	ATARASHII GAKKOI - Pineapple Kryptonite
	53	Mareux - The Perfect Girl

christmas music
	1	100 gecs - sympathy 4 the grinch
	2	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Merry Christmas Everybody
	3	Gorillaz - Broken
	4	Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
	5	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
		Coincidentally, I received a Tears concert ticket for Christmas
from either my roommate or his family last year or so.
	6	Wham! - Last Christmas
	7	My Chemical Romance - All I Want for Christmas Is You
	8	Roar - Christmas Kids
	9	Mother Mother - Hayloft
	10	Misfits - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
	11	Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
	12	John Lennon, Yoko Ono - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
		Found on /f/.
	13	Epic Rap Battles of History, Snoop Dogg - Moses vs Santa Claus
	14	K.able, Hatsune Miku - Santa-san wa ROKUDENASHI
	15	Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad
	16	Mag.Lo, O Super - Never
	17	Vierre Cloud - moment
	18	Gorillaz - DARE

batteries included
	1	LVL1 - FVN!
	2	TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
	3	TeddyLoid - Fly Away
	4	Vierre Cloud - moment
	5	Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
	6	Perfume - Electro World
	7	3l3d3p - lbitbt
	8	100 gecs - bloodstains
		This playlist is loosely copied from Usagi's Welcome to Hell
Spotify playlist which I won't be putting here. It accompanied me in 2021 and
2022 but I mainly associate it with my senior year of high school which felt
very fast and very loose and had a lot of parts where I thought I wasn't going
to survive to 18.
	9	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
	10	Honey Claws - Digital Animal
		I can't see the dates on Spotify for Android and I can't use
the web browser open.spotify.com for lack of WideVine on Firefox for the
Raspberry Pi nor the Electron app for lack of a lot of things but this is
definitely from 2022 or so because I recalled this song talking with a coworker
who mentioned this was in Breaking Bad.
	11	100 gecs, Fall Out Boy, Craig Owens, Nicole Dollanganger -[...]
		The artist credits overflow so hard none of the title can be
shown. This is the Fall Out Boy cover of hand crushed by a mallet by gecs.
	12	Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM
	13	TeddyLoid - Theme for Scanty & Knee Socks
	14	TeddyLoid - Corset Theme
	15	100 gecs - mememe
	16	Ado, TeddyLoid - [kangi] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
	17	Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
	18	Grimes - Kill V. Maim
	19	Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
		When this song leaked it leaked as When Will We Be Free and
Kingslayer tied into a single MP3. It may be my favorite of both bands' work.
I looped it while playing through GZDOOM on my Thinkpad T420 on a really nice
NEC SyncMaster or something like that 70Hz LCD display.
	20	The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
	21	Danny Brown - Ain't it Funny
	22	clipping. - Story 2
	23	Zack Fox - fafo
		I always associate Ain't it Funny / Story 2 / fafo with each
other as a series of tracks. Or maybe in the reverse of that order. It makes
sense lyrically and rhythmically and the first time I heard them was something
like that order in the car with Usagi coming back from the bagel place.
	24	Mitchie M., Hatsune Miku - ageageagein
		Transliterated from katakana.
	25	Badflower - Girlfriend
		I've seen Badflower live but I didn't think the track selection
of the set was that great - he opened for My Chemical Romance in September
2022, the day the Queen of England died (REST IN PISS IMPERIAL FUCK).
	26	Pisse - Fahrradsattel
	27	The Moldy Peaches - Little Bunny Foo Foo
		I really love the video vewn did to accompany this song. My
only cotton T-shirt is vewn merch that I got for Christmas from Usagi, I've
seen all their videos on recommendation from Usagi and they're one of if not my
favorite animator.
	28	LIZ - When I Rule the World
	29	Slayyyter - Hello Kitty
	30	Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - PONPONPON
		I can't help thinking of the awful webm Pomf Pomf Pomf when I
think of this song but I really love the song.
	31	Fandroid! - You Signed a Contract
		Cuphead music is a nice niche.
	32	Laura Les - Haunted
	33	WAKUSEI ABNORMAL - furare [kanji]
	34	Sidhu Moose Wala - Mafia Style
	35	Magdalena Bay - Mercurial World
	36	quiizzzmeow, Midix - KATANA
	37	Poppy - All The Things She Said
		Lily (the one from Maine whom I kin) hates this cover and only
likes the original track.
	38	Poppy - Fear of Dying
	39	Mindless Self Indulgence - Bitches
	40	Ck9c, Elizabeth Ann - You Can't Hide
	41	Sleeping With Sirens - Better Off Dead
	42	Marina and the Diamonds - Homewrecker
		When I came back to Maine from Florida and got another Burger
King job I met this dude named Austin and told him, slowly over the course of
many shifts, about how I was going to move across the country on a whim and
that he should live for pleasure and be unafraid of taking risks. He also had
a seemingly abusive girlfriend with whom I encouraged him to break up because
she was seemingly abusive - she threatened to commit suicide when he brought up
maybe taking a break or something, made him cut off contact with his friends
and forbid him from talking with any other women, and just generally seemed
very controlling. He didn't wanna break up with her because he didn't want to
Be Single, as if that was a sordid label. I said honestly man I would rather be
single than be in that relationship. Since that, I associate this song with my
own actions. I didn't fuck him though. Not my type.
	43	Marina and the Diamonds - Power & Control
	44	Mindless Self Indulgence - What Do They Know?
	45	Coco & Clair Clair, Okthxbb - Pretty
		I used to play this song while doing reprehensible things to
others while also wearing really nice outfits. My goal was to give at least one
guy a humiliation fetish while I beat the shit out of him.
	46	Breathe Carolina - Blackout
		I will black out, actually - I always fall asleep 1-2 hours
after getting high. I don't get enough sleep.
	47	t.A.T.u. - All The Things She Said
	48	Poppy - Girls In Bikinis
		One of my sidekick's best catchphrases is "God I love women".
Same, bestie.
	49	100 gecs - money machine
	50	TeddyLoid, Giga, LOLUET - desperate
		Translated from katakana.
	51	JVNLIII - Physical Self
	52	Rebzyyx, hoshie star - all I want is you

Disassembled my GitHub; deleted the last few remaining repositories, made my
account private, and changed the username to trn1ty as well as cleared some
info boxes. Fuck proprietary services.


/blah/2023-12-02.html

depression sterilized
	1	Lipps Inc. - Funkytown
		The first time I heard this song I was probably very young and
listening to 70s radio on a real, FM radio, which is now somewhat rare in a
world of Spotify (the platform on which I made this playlist in 2015-2017) and
FLACs. But I grew up with this song on Windows XP, using the On-Line Radio
feature in Windows Media Player to stream Laut FM, which I think is a German
radio station. Laut's cut of Funkytown was, in my faint decade-since
recollection, only the verses and not the choruses? Which seems wrong but is
what I remember. I would play PrxCraft, Project X Craft, I think named after
Project X Zone, a popular video game, which was at the time still administered
by KevinEssence. After he lost a lot of money gambling in CsGoLotto or whatever
it was he sold the Minecraft server to some other entity and it passed through
many hands and lost value each time, much like Tumblr. PrxCraft had Factions,
essentially typical Survival-mode Minecraft, and I think some other cool game
modes, but my favorite was Skygrid which left you on a grid of blocks in the
sky to slowly find resources and build out an almost normal-looking farm.
	Microsoft Windows XP had, and later Windows didn't, the ability to
place the music controls on the taskbar itself for Windows Media Player so you
could control the music from any other app. It was snazzy stuff at the time
though Linux kids were doing way cooler stuff.
	2	Pink Floyd - Time
	3	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Do It All The Time
	4	Paramore - Hard Times
	5	Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
	6	Eagles - Hotel California
	7	The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
	8	Bobby "Boris" Pickett, The Crypt-Kickers - Monster Mash
	9	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	10	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	11	The Andrews Sisters - Rum and Coca Cola
	12	Guster - Great Escape
	13	America, George Martin - A Horse with No Name
	14	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	15	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	16	Horace Silver - Song For My Father
		In high school I had a crush on a jazz band bass player and at
a band concert the jazz band played this song with his part very noticeable and
some improv near the end. I wanted to know the song well so I could impress him
somehow by knowing of it. High schooler logic. I did eventually get with his
twin brother through a very complicated and convoluted chain of happenings
nobody really expected.
	17	Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
	18	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	19	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
		I had this tape which is why I love this album so much. My cell
phone died whenever it got chilly, which is a common occurence in Maine, but my
Walkman kept trudging through whatever I threw at it whether rain, sleet, or
snow. My first tapes were (in this order) Blue Hawai'i, Monster, Awesome Mix
Vol. 1, and Goldfly. The first two found at a thrift store along with a shitty
wowing cassette player (which I scrapped soon after purchasing) and the second
two I wrote to tape by first burning CDs and then using a Sony combination
boombox.
	20	Genesis - Land of Confusion
		This was my Current Events teacher's favorite song.
	21	The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin
	22	The Licks - Lavender Kiss
		This was the favorite song of an Anonymous person I was talking
to on-line. They were in my area, I think, but we never met.
	23	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	24	Peking Duk - Wasted
	25	The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
		I got this out of a LinusTechTips YouTube video about making
art for one's self and the love of creation.
	26	Childish Gambino - Sober
	27	Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
	28	Caroline Rose - Soul No. 5
		She opened for Guster and I bought the tape of Loser. Really
good album, I used to stay up late to listen to it.
	29	The Beatles - Helter Skelter
		I saw Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie sing this together on the
second Twins of Evil tour.
	30	Charli XCX, Troye Sivan - 1999
	31	AWOLNATION - Table for One
		They opened for Panic! at the Disco.
	32	The Killers - Mr. Brightside
	33	Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
	34	Credence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	35	Flatsound - If We Could Just Pretend
		I've probably cried to this song more than half the times I've
heard it. The guitar tabs are easy and I've cried while playing it, too.
	36	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	37	Dire Straights - Money for Nothing
	38	Beach Bunny - Prom Queen
	39	Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
	40	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	41	Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
		Heard on 1470 WLAM but also as the end song in Granite Flats.
	42	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	43	half alive - still feel.
	44	Radiohead - Videotape
		This song fills me with raw emotion and I can't bear to listen
to it anymore. I skip it when it comes on after the rest of In Rainbows.
	45	Elton John - I'm Still Standing

I'm deleting my Spotify. No more proprietary services.

++work
	1	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
		I impressed the rest of the kids at science camp by making our
Lego EV3 bot play this song while doing the rest of what it was supposed to be
doing. This playlist was my learning to program playlist.
	2	Boney M. - Rasputin
	3	TOTO - Africa
	4	Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
		I got this from a Rick and Morty trailer. This felt really real
to me because by this point I had done some jarring stuff on the Internet.
	5	Guster - Great Escape
		I love this song.
	6	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	7	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	8	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	9	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	10	Oliver Tree - Fuck
		I loved Oliver Tree who was recommended to me by a friend in
Saudi Arabia. I heard he took tabs of his music off some guitar sites recently
though so that's a bummer.
	11	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
		I've seen the 2010 movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World many times
and love it. Haven't read the comic or seen the anime though.
	12	Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
	13	Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation
		The theme for Freaks and Geeks.
	14	Metric - Black Sheep
	15	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	16	Rob Zombie - Dragula
	17	R.E.M. - Let Me In
	18	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	19	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	20	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
		Tears For Fears is still rocking. I went to a recent tour and
they were awesome, their latest album is also really good.
	21	Weezer - Thank God for Girls
	22	Weezer - Island In The Sun
		Usagi's favorite Weezer song.
	23	Yung Bae, Natvnomvzik - Bae City Rollaz
	24	Night Tempo - Koi
	25	T. Rex - Teenage Dream
	26	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
		I also love Cake's cover.
	27	Weezer - Jacked Up
	28	Arctic Monkeys - No Buses
		Recommended to me by Usagi. So was Flatsound now that I think
about it. At first I thought she was talking about the band No Buses who I
remember liking too but I haven't heard them in a long while.

caffeine
	1	Japanese Breakfast - Planetary Ambience
		I found this playlist as an Evangelion-themed playlist on
Spotify and stole it. I'm unfamiliar with most of these artists.
	2	Wishing - Emptiness Is a Closet Full of Your Old Clothes
	3	eevee - early mornings
	4	Beach House - Space Song
	5	Alex G - Sportstar
	6	Dan Deacon - When I Was Done Dying
	7	Little Dragon - Crystalfilm
	8	The Knife - I Just Had To Die
	9	Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely
	10	Anamanaguchi - Planet
	11	Explosions In The Sky - Your Hand In Mine
	12	Anamanaguchi - Endless Fantasy

meister'd
	1	Yoko Takahashi - The Cruel Angel's Thesis (Director's Edit[...]
		Usagi made this playlist for me. I made one for her, too.
	2	The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
	3	Roberta Flack - Killing Me Softly With His Song
		I used to listen to this at work. Flack's album of the same
name is really good. I've never been able to listen to this full playlist
without crying.
	4	Vicke Blanke - Slave of Love
	5	Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Ffunny Ffrends
	6	Roland Faunte - Hand Over Hand
		This was the first playlist I'd download when putting Spotify
on a device. That way if I lost Internet access I could still hear it.
	7	Tally Hall - You
	8	Jack Stauber - Coconut Ranger
	9	Sunbeam Sound Machine - In Your Arms
		I haven't seen Usagi in some months now. I miss her. We text.
	10	Grandaddy - A.M. 180
		We're just friends now but very, very good friends because we
shared a lot of time together. Usagi's like a sister to me. We always imagined
we'd someday be crochety old-timers rocking in chairs on our porch yelling at
the dang kids to get off our lawn.
	11	Crywank - This Song Title Was Too Long (So Now It's Shorter)
		Usagi's the second person to which I came out.
	12	The Drums - Money
		Usagi was my pet name for her and she had one for me. I use the
pseudonym out of respect for her privacy - she's as privacy conscious as I am.
	13	Jinsang - Smile from U.
	14	Car Seat Headrest - It's Only Sex
	15	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
		Usagi's car used to be a big, loud Volvo minivan which handled
poorly and took a lot of skill to drive. She's a damn good driver.
	16	The Growlers - Rare Hearts
	17	Mitski - Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart
	18	The Voidz - Human Sadness
	19	Lustt - Pillow Talk
		We would get sushi together at the supermarket in Auburn. Last
time we did I broke down sobbing in her car because I knew it wouldn't happen
again. I'm half a country away now, also vegan but I guess we could have Oreos
if we went out again. She moved too though.

burger emporor
	1	Weezer - Mirror Image
	2	Weezer - Undone - The Sweater Song
	3	Weezer - Buddy Holly
	4	Weezer - Beverly Hills
	5	Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
	6	Dropkick Murphys - I'm Shipping Up To Boston
		As a former Mainer I'm used to thinking of Boston as South.
	7	Mother Mother - Hayloft
	8	Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance
		This music video made Dance Dance Revolution look Intense.
	9	Mindless Self Indulgence - Shut Me Up
	10	Weezer - Pork And Beans
	11	Twenty One Pilots - Level of Concern
		Technically I was in this music video.
	12	Twenty One Pilots - Morph
	13	100 gecs, Charli XCX, Rico Nasty, Kero Kero Bonito - ringtone
	14	Bring Me The Horizon, YUNGBLUD - Obey
	15	LMFAO, Lauren Bennett, GoonRock - Party Rock Anthem
	16	Death Grips - Get Got
	17	Black Eyed Peas - Pump It
	18	AC/DC - Highway to Hell
	19	Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
	20	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	21	Smash Mouth - All Star
	22	Tape Five - City of Lights
		On a High School band field trip to Virginia the other trombone
player couldn't sleep without listening to metro jazz or whatever so I got used
to it. It's good stuff and wasn't a problem, usually I just fell asleep to a
Saw movie or at the time probably Bloodnun.
	23	Weatherday - Come In
	24	Shiro SAGISU - Fly Me To The Moon - Instrumental Version
	25	Tally Hall - Ruler of Everything
	26	Tally Hall - Banana Man
		I discovered Tally Hall through this music video which was
uploaded as a .swf to 4chan/f/.
	27	Le Tigre - Deceptacon
	28	Plustwo - Melody (1983 Club Vinyl Remix)
	29	A/V Heroes - Pretty Pink Television
		I met the lead singer through, I think, Instagram, maybe a meme
page - @ifuckinghatestuartlittle or something. Really cool guy.
	30	Cypie - Gdzie jest bialy wegorz ? (Zejscie)
		Minus the diacritical marks. I don't have a compose key.
	31	Jim Croce - You Don't Mess Around with Jim
	32	Dolly Parton - 9 to 5
	33	Kenny Rogers - The Gambler
	34	100 gecs - stupid horse
	35	Brooksie - Not Into You
	36	Fall Out Boy - THnks fr th Mmrs
	37	Tally Hall - Turn the Lights Off
	38	Frank Sinatra - My Way
	39	Carpenter Brut, Yann Ligner - Maniac
	40	Frank Sinatra, Count Basie - Fly Me To The Moon
	41	Frank Sinatra - That's Life
	42	Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
	43	MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
	44	The Beatles - And Your Bird Can Sing
	45	The Beatles - Drive My Car
	46	The Beatles - I'm Looking Through You
	47	Thundercat - Them Changes
	48	Freddie Scott - (You) Got What I Need
	49	The Animals - House Of The Rising Sun
	50	America, George Martin - 5 O'Clock World
	51	Eagles - Hotel California
	52	The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
	53	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	54	Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
	55	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	56	half alive - still feel.
	57	Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
	58	Elton John - I'm Still Standing
		This was my Burger King playlist, before I got transferred the
first time.
	59	Billy Joel - Zanzibar
	60	The Strokes - The Adults Are Talking
	61	The Strokes - At The Door
		I found The Strokes because Drew Gooden recommended them in a
YouTube video.
	62	Dead Poet Society - .getawayfortheweekend.
		I later did what this song described.
	63	Dead Poet Society - .georgia.
		Dead Poet Society's song titles remind me of BSD Make
extensions.
	64	Teddyloid - Fly Away
	65	Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM (Booty Bronx [...]
	66	TCY FORCE, Mariya Ise - CHOCOLAT
		I tried to find more Mariya Ise but I think the only other
stuff she's done is voice acting.
	67	Teddyloid - Corset Theme
	68	TCY FORCE, Emyli - Champion
	69	Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
	70	Weezer - Hash Pipe
	71	Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
	72	Vierre Cloud - moment
		I can't listen to this song without thinking about winter 2020
where at many points I thought I was going to freeze to death on walks between
my parents', school, and work.
	73	Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
	74	The Beatles - Helter Skelter
	75	ABBA - Mamma Mia
	76	Paramore - Misery Business
	77	Linkin Park - One Step Closer
		I 100%ed this on Expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS. I
also used this as a backing track for my YouTube clip where I shot a grenade
mid-air with a sniper rifle in Combat Reloaded, a CounterStrike ripoff for the
web browser.
	78	Radiohead - 15 Step
	79	Radiohead - Electioneering
	80	Glen Campbell - Southern Nights
	81	Sweet - Fox On The Run
	82	MGMT - Little Dark Age
		I got this out of Nazi propaganda on /b/ or /gif/.
	83	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Out of Touch
	84	The Cardigans - Lovefool - Radio Edit
	85	Polarkreis 18 - Unendliche Sinfonie
		Found on /f/.
	86	Junko Yagami - BAY CITY
		I can't read the kanji, it's [something] no BAY CITY
	87	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
	88	Outkast - Hey Ya!
	89	Sean Kingston - Eenie Meenie
	90	Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
	91	The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
		100%ed on Expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS.
	92	Nelly Furtado - Maneater
	93	The All-American Rejects - Gives You Hell
	94	Avril Lavigne - Sk8er Boi
	95	Estelle, Kanya West - American Boy
	96	Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl
	97	Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
		By this time I had definitely transferred to the other Burger
King. This was one of my old kitchen manager's favorites. Spot the red flag.
	98	Katy Perry - Hot N Cold
	99	Toploader - Dancing in the Moonlight
	100	Steven Universe - Let Us Adore You
	101	3l3d3p - lbitbt
	102	The Living Tombstone - It's Been So Long
	103	The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
	104	Mindless Behavior, Diggy Simmons - Mrs. Right
	105	Mag-Lo, O Super - Never
		This I also associate with nearly freezing to death.
	106	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
	107	Kesha - TiK ToK
	108	Ashnikko, Hatsune Miku - Daisy 2.0
	109	The Beatles - With A Little Help From My Friends
	110	Boney M. - Rasputin
	111	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
	112	Tears For Fears - Shout
	113	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	114	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	115	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	116	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
	117	Peking Duk - Wasted
	118	The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
	119	Childish Gambino - Sober
	120	Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
	121	Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
	122	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	123	Mitski - Me and My Husband
	124	Mitski - Nobody
	125	The Beatles - Maxwell's Silver Hammer
		The guy on which I had a crush in high school (not the bass
player, his twin) started a high school club for secular humanism which
espoused the values of atheism and anarchism. I was at the time more an atheist
than an anarchist but joined the club for moral support and because I didn't
have much better to do. One day he said he hadn't heard Abbey Road before so we
listened to the album from end to end with my ASUS Aspire One running mocp on
Debian 9.
	126	The Beatles - Oh! Darling
	127	The Beatles - Back In The U.S.S.R.
	128	The Beatles - Rocky Raccoon
	129	The Beatles - Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me [...]
	130	The Beatles - I Am The Walrus
	131	The Beatles - Doctor Robert
	132	The Beatles - Twist And Shout
	133	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	134	OneRepublic - Good Life
	135	Owl City - Fireflies
	136	insaneintherainmusic, Gabe Nekrutman, Chris Allison - Mii [...]
	137	Coolio, L.V. - Gangsta's Paradise
	138	Foo Fighters - My Hero
	139	DMX - X Gon' Give It To Ya
	140	Gorillaz - Tranz
	141	Fatboy Slim - Weapon Of Choice
	142	The Rolling Stones - Paint It, Black
	143	CAKE - Short Skirt / Long Jacket
	144	Fountains Of Wayne - Stacy's Mom
	145	Childish Gambino - Redbone
	146	The Weeknd, Daft Punk - Starboy
	147	Jay & The Americans - Come A Little Bit Closer
	148	Dean Martin - Ain't That A Kick In The Head
	149	Weezer - No Scrubs
	150	Joy Division - She's Lost Control
	151	Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
	152	Taeko Onuki - 4:00A.M.
	153	Fitz and The Tantrums - Out of My League
	154	The London Orchestral Symphony - Paint It Black (Orchestra[...]
	155	Radiohead - Follow Me Around
	156	Radiohead - Spectre
	157	Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
	158	Nothing But Thieves - Forever & Ever More
	159	Nothing But Thieves - Futureproof
	160	Fleetwood Mac - The Chain
	161	Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah - Lake Shore Drive
	162	Looking Glass - Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)
	163	Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
	164	Crystal Castles - Untrust Us
	165	Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
	166	My Chemical Romance - Helena
	167	MGMT - Electric Feel
	168	Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
	169	The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star
	170	The Wannadies - You & Me Song
	171	Candi Staton - Young Hearts Run Free
	172	Stevie Wonder - Superstition
	173	Blue Oyster Cult - (Don't Fear) The Reaper
	174	CAKE - Short Skirt / Long Jacket
	175	SEATBELTS - Tank!
	176	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
		I just noticed this playlist has this song twice.
	177	The B-52's - Love Shack
	178	War - Low Rider
	179	Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
	180	Rick James - Super Freak
	181	Commodores - Brick House
	182	Kid Cudi - Day 'N' Nite (nightmare)
	183	Ween - Ocean Man
	184	Daniel Tidwell - At Doom's Gate (DOOM E1M1)
	185	Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
	186	Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime
	187	Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
	188	Kero Kero Bonito - Pocket Crocodile
	189	Kero Kero Bonito - Small Town
	190	Tsuko G. - Gas Gas Gas (Initial D)
	191	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop
	192	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
	193	Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra
	194	Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner
	195	Steve Miller Band - The Joker
	196	Blondie - Heart Of Glass
	197	King Harvest - Dancing In The Moonlight
	198	Kansas - Carry on Wayward Son
	199	Elton John - Bennie And The Jets
	200	Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London
	201	Blondie - One Way Or Another
	202	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Rich Girl
	203	Stevie Wonder - Superstition
		This also seems to be a duplicate.
	204	Jim Croce - Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
	205	AISHA, Arc System Works - The Disaster of Passion
	206	Guilty Kiss - Shooting Star Warrior
	207	Mother Mother - Hayloft II
	208	Iron Maiden - Run to the Hills
	209	Louis XIV, Jason Hill, Brian Karscig - God Killed the Queen
	210	Taco - Puttin' on the Ritz
	211	Daft Punk - Give Life Back to Music
	212	Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers - Get Lucky
	213	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster Stronger
	214	Elton John, Kiki Dee - Don't Go Breaking My Heart
	215	Gorillaz, Robert Smoth - Strange Timez
	216	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
	217	Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
	218	Gorillaz - Kids with Guns
	219	Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
	220	Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
	221	Gorillaz - Broken
	222	Gorillaz, Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Mos Def - Sweepstakes
	223	Linkin Park - What I've Done
	224	The All-American Rejects - Move Along
	225	Simple Plan - What's New Scooby-Doo?
	226	The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
	227	Steve Miller Band - Take The Money And Run
	228	Village People - Y.M.C.A.
	229	Coldplay - Paradise
	230	LeviathanJPTV - Chug Jug With You
	231	Desired - Eyes on Me
		I've long associated a picture of Desired with WSJ because he
posted that picture and said it was himself - a fit-looking man holding a rifle
surrounded by photoshopped-in anime girls.
	232	Kero Kero Bonito - Only Acting
	233	Heart - Barracuda
	234	Ram Jam - Black Betty
	235	Cascada - Everytime We Touch
	236	TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
	237	Perfume - Electro World
		Originally in katakana.
	238	Oliver Tree - Life Goes On
	239	Jun Senoue, Ted Poley, Tony Harnell - Escape From The City
	240	The Rapture - Sister Saviour
	241	Aretha Franklin - Son of a Preacher Man
	242	The Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil
	243	Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
	244	Queen - I Want To Break Free
	245	Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 2
	246	Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
	247	AC/DC - Thunderstruck
	248	Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
		One of the best guitar lines in history.
	249	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Run Through The Jungle
	250	David Coffin - Roll the Old Chariot Along
		Found on /gif/, a video of this shanty performed by a crowd
relatively near to where I lived. This is my favorite shanty and universally
disliked by those to whom I show it. Last time I showed it to someone they said
they didn't wanna hear the whole thing and skipped to Wellerman.
	251	Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-Changin'
	252	Metallica - Enter Sandman
	253	Men Without Hats - The Safety Dance
	254	Dead Kennedys - Holiday In Cambodia
	255	Kanye West, Jamie Foxx - Gold Digger
	256	Queen, David Bowie - Under Pressure
	257	R.E.M. - It's The End Of The World As We Know It
	258	Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
		My Latin teacher's favorite Floyd track.
	259	Cage The Elephant - Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
		I used to listen to this on repeat while playing Battlefield
1942.
	260	The Rolling Stones - Satisfaction
	261	Foo Fighters - Kids In America - Demo - 1991
	262	The Rolling Stones - Jumpin' Jack Flash
	263	Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf
	264	The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
	265	Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
	266	100 gecs - mememe
	267	ABBA - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
	268	ABBA - Waterloo
	269	ABBA - Super Trouper
	270	Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
		Also 100%ed on expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS.
	271	Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
	272	Nirvana - Come As You Are
	273	Rupert Holmes - Escape
		I have fan theories about this song.
	274	Weezer - Island In The Sun
	275	AmaLee - My Soul, Your Beats!
		In my time as moderator for Socks' Discord server I was often
compared to Tachibana from Angel Beats, so I watched the anime. It made me cry.
	276	The White Stripes - Fell In Love With a Girl
	277	Radiohead - 15 Step
	278	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
	279	Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today
	280	Weezer - Jacked Up
	281	Weatherday - Porcelain Hands
	282	AWOLNATION - Table for One
	283	The Beatles - For No One
	284	Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
	285	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
	286	Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
	287	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
		Duplicate.
	288	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	289	Radiohead - Follow Me Around
		Duplicate.
	290	Blondie - Heart Of Glass
		Duplicate.
	291	The Strokes - Ode To The Mets
	292	Joy Division - Disorder
	293	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
		Duplicate.
	294	Kensuke Ushio - Judgement
	295	Booker T. & the M.G.'s - Green Onions
	296	This Will Destroy You - The Mighty Rio Grande
	297	LVL1 - FVN!
	298	Perfume - Electro World
		Duplicate.
	299	3l3d3p - lbitbt
		Duplicate.
	300	100 gecs - bloodstains
	301	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
		Duplicate.
	302	Honey Claws - Digital Animal
	303	Ado, TeddyLoid - [kanji] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
	304	Grimes - Kill V. Maim
	305	Pink Floyd - Time
	306	Paramore - Hard Times
	307	Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
	308	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	309	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	310	Guster - Great Escape
	311	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	312	Horace Silver - Song For My Father
	313	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	314	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
		I can't keep track of the duplicates so I'm not gonna note them
anymore.
	315	R.E.M. - What's The Frequency, Kenneth?
	316	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	317	Genesis - Land of Confusion
	318	Weezer - Surf Wax America
	319	Weezer - Long Time Sunshine
	320	Weezer - We Are All On Drugs
	321	Weezer - Miss Sweeney
	322	Weezer - Automatic
	323	Weezer - I Don't Want Your Loving
		Death to False Metal and Everything Will Be Alright in the End
were the two albums that defined my September 2019 to March 2020.
	324	Weezer - Memories
	325	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	326	Weezer - Back To The Shack
	327	Weezer - Da Vinci
	328	Weezer - Wind in Our Sail
	329	Weezer - Do You Wanna Get High?
		I stopped listening to Weezer when I lost my virginity.
	330	Pink Floyd - When the Tigers Broke Free
	331	Pink Floyd - The Fletcher Memorial Home
	332	Pink Floyd - Astronomy Domine
	333	Pink Floyd - Lucifer Sam
	334	Boney M. - Rasputin
	335	Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
	336	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
	337	TOTO - Africa
	338	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	339	Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation
	340	Metric - Black Sheep
	341	R.E.M. - Let Me In
	342	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
	343	Yung Bae, Natvnomvzik - Bae City Rollaz
	344	Night Tempo - Koi
	345	T. Rex - Teenage Dream
	346	Arctic Monkeys - No Buses
	347	Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop
	348	The Beach Boys - I Get Around
	349	Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
	350	Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love
	351	Electric Light Orchestra - Don't Bring Me Down
	352	Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
	353	Don McLean - American Pie
	354	Bee Gees - You Should Be Dancing
	355	Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird
	356	Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
	357	Sam Cookie - Wonderful World
	358	Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl
	359	Marvin Gaye, Tammi Terrell - Ain't No Mountain High Enough
	360	The Beach Boys - Surfin' U.S.A.
	361	The Mamas & The Papas - California Dreamin'
	362	The Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
	363	The Beatles - Twist And Shout
	364	The Beatles - She Loves You
	365	The Bobby Fuller Four - I Fought the Law
	366	Donovan - Mellow Yellow
	367	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Moon Rising
	368	Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
	369	Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline
		In summer camp in third or fourth grade I had a crush on a girl
named Caroline with hair like fire and freckles like falling leaves. Never saw
her again.
	370	Marilyn Manson - KILL4ME
	371	Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People
	372	Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
	373	Marilyn Manson - Fated, Faithful, Fatal
	374	Marilyn Manson - Cupid Carries A Gun
	375	Ramones - Pet Sematary
	376	Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way
	377	Radiohead - Karma Police
		I consider myself a Buddhist; I "converted" (seems like a
strong word) about a month ago. I do seek to follow the Dharma. nasin sewi pona
li pona.
	378	Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music
	379	Hombres G - Devuelveme a mi chica
		Minus diacritical marks.
	380	Tennessee - Te vi correr
	381	Owl City - When Can I See You Again?
	382	Panic! At The Disco - Sarah Smiles
	383	Panic! At The Disco - There's a Good Reason These Tables A[...]
	384	Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
	385	Twenty One Pilots - Fake You Out
	386	Twenty One Pilots - Fairly Local
	387	Twenty One Pilots - Polarize
	388	Twenty One Pilots - Choker
	389	Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
	390	chelmico - Easy Breezy
	391	TWRP - Atomic Karate
		I can't see TWRP without thinking of the TWilight Recovery
Partition tool for Android devices.
	392	The Aquabats! - Cat with 2 Heads!
	393	Sex Bob-Omb - Threshold
	394	Gorillaz - 19-2000
	395	Talking Heads - Burning Down the House
	396	Christian French - avalanche
	397	Joji - Gimme Love
	398	a-ha - Take on Me
	399	Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In the Dark
	400	Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance with Somebody
	401	Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
	402	Soft Cell - Tainted Love
	403	Huey Lewis & The News - Hip To Be Square
	404	Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner
	405	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Private Eyes
	406	Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
	407	Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
	408	Daryl Hall & John Oates - You Make My Dreams
	409	The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
		The only non-creepy Police song.
	410	Eurythmics, Annie Lennox, Dave Stewart - Sweet Dreams
	411	Daryl Hall & John Oates - I Can't Go for That
	412	My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You
	413	Shiro SAGISU - ANGEL ATTACK
	414	Shiro SAGISU - MISATO
	415	Shiro SAGISU - Next Episode
	416	Daler Mehndi - Tunak Tunak Tun
	417	Mariya Takeuchi - Plastic Love
		Something is off because this playlist should have 420 songs.
Whatever. My fingers are tired.

intermission
	1	Weezer - Mirror Image
		This is my breakup playlist after Usagi and I split.
	2	Weezer - Jacked Up
		I wanna say April or so 2020? 2021? Probably 2020.
	3	Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?
		It hurt and it took me a long time to get over it.
	4	Weatherday - Porcelain Hands
	5	Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
	6	Tame Impala - New Person, Same Old Mistakes
	7	AWOLNATION - Table for One
	8	The Beatles - For No One
	9	Plustwo - Melody (1983 Club Vinyl Mix)


/blah/2023-11-28.html

the the the end end end of  of  of
end end end of  of  of  the the the

my   friends have accepted their fate now
i've found   solace  in my misery

and the  light in their eyes isn't there
and some hope  in the   emptiness  here

how the beauty     fades so     softly here
but it  looks like my    soul's failing me

is    a testament    to what we bear
because i still hold onto    my fear

poverty, death in this city life
i met a  hobo     on north union

seventy         hour       weeks in fast food
she looked like me   with  differing     clothes

everyone    here just keeps suffering
i asked her how  she  fell  in the hole

and i    sing   to my violent      tunes
she said you're already  here, you know

(together)
and my metal music plays at night
and the skyline's littered with debris
of a simpler, hospitable time
how the hell will i afford to eat


/blah/2023-11-27.html

Dear Princess Celestia,
	Today I learned that the strongest ship is a friendship and that if it
isn't canon you can't accept it as part of the lore without noting the caveats.
Rainbow Dash has never actually worked at a factory that ground young fillies
and colts up into rainbows.


/blah/2023-11-25.html

Neon Genesis Evangelion    | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
---------------------------|------------------------------------
Three kids                 | Six ponies

are taught to harness the weapons only they can use because the
weapons are

their mothers              | inside them

. They're assigned this task by the government, lead by

Gendo Ikari                | Princess Celestia

, who

have captured God          | is God

, because they need to vanquish forces of evil that are
threatening their world. The

kids                       | ponies

are lead by

Misato Katsuragi           | Twilight Sparkle

because only she

recognizes they are human. | can bring the Elements of Harmony
                           | together with their friendship.

Along the way the

children                   | ponies

will grow

father apart               | closer

due to their shared

trauma                     | friendship

. You can watch their journey together on

Cartoon Network's Adult    | Discovery Family
Swim                       |

in

2005-2006.                 | 2010-2019.


/blah/2023-11-24.html

: phones

Phone            | Battery     | Charging jack
Samsung SCH-R390 |        Good | Micro USB-B, no OTG 
        LG UN280 |      Decent | Micro USB-B, no OTG 
iPhone SE (2016) |      Dismal |         Proprietary 
  Unihertz Titan |   Excellent |            USB-C PD
       Pinephone | Upgradeable |            USB-C PD
     Punkt MP-02 |   Excellent |     USB-C but no PD
 Google Pixel 3A |   Excellent |            USB-C PD

Phone            | Codecs                     | Firmware    | Headphone jack
Samsung SCH-R390 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
        LG UN280 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
iPhone SE (2016) | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
  Unihertz Titan |               Configurable | Proprietary |          3.5mm
       Pinephone |               Configurable |  Changeable |          3.5mm
     Punkt MP-02 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |     over USB-C
 Google Pixel 3A |               Configurable | Proprietary |          3.5mm

Phone            | Keyboard             | OS          | SD    | WLAN
Samsung SCH-R390 |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |   No
        LG-UN280 |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |   No
iPhone SE (2016) |             Software | Proprietary |  None |  Yes
  Unihertz Titan |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |  Yes
       Pinephone | Software or hardware |        Open | Micro |  Yes
     Punkt MP-02 |             Hardware | Proprietary |  None |  Yes
 Google Pixel 3A |             Software |        Open |  None |  Yes

Samsung SCH-R390
	Also known as the Freeform 4.
	I used this extensively and enjoyed it at the time.

Samsung SCH-R480
	Also known as the FreeForm 5.
	No significant changes from the FreeForm 4 beyond aesthetics.

LG UN280
	Also known as the Freedom II.
	I used this extensively and enjoyed it at the time.

iPhone SE (2016)
	I used this extensively and despise it.

Unihertz Titan
	I used this extensively and despise it.
	Bad hardware keyboard (no dollar sign).
	Vendor unlawfully non-compliant with GPL 2 licensing on Linux,
		for this reason I would avoid this phone like the plague.

Pine64 Pinephone
	I love this phone a lot.
	Hardware keyboard available as an extension;
		hardware keyboard also adds a second battery,
		tripling the battery life of the phone.
	Firmware is proprietary by default
		but the vendor allows using free firmware.

Punkt MP-02
	Sucks.

Google Pixel 3A
	The official OS is proprietary so I use an old GrapheneOS build.
	100% FOSS phone but reliable unlike the Pinephone.


/blah/2023-11-23.html

Today's Thanksgiving in the United States which historically is a holiday of
some sort that I learned about in school and soon forgot because I didn't get
it. The day's significant to me as a day where usually I can find a good bite
to eat for cheap (though this is my first Thanksgiving vegan) and as a day on
which I am reminded how thankful I am for life as it is right now.

I'm thankful for the ceiling above my head and the couch under my feet. The
walls around the room. The warmth. I'm thankful for the people with which I'm
staying allowing me to be here and I'm thankful for their friendship. One I've
known a couple years but it might as well be forever and they've been there for
me however they could when times were dire and all else was far away, despite
us not being super close super often. The other I knew in passing and now I get
to interact with them in person and they're even cooler than I thought they
were from seeing their stuff on-line. I'm thankful to them for allowing me to
stay here, and thankful to them for being friends of mine, and thankful to them
for what they contribute to the world in kindness in general.

I'm thankful for my backpack and what's in it. I have a number of niceties I
could do without, including the laptop on which I'm typing this, and I'm glad I
have these luxuries and for my luck in this. I'm thankful for my luck in
general. There are many who cannot be inside today. Restaurants close on
Thanksgiving and I worry for those who usually refuge with coffee and their
belongings at tables in the darker areas of dining rooms. It's cold outside.
I'm thankful for the food in my belly and the clothes on my back, especially
for how good the food is here and how clean the clothes are that I'm wearing.
I'm thankful for the shirt I'm wearing which was given to me by Usagichan and
I'm thankful for Usagichan's friendship. I'm thankful for my gym pants I use as
pajamas which were given to me by one of the people who let me stay here. I'm
thankful to my employers - there will be three to consider this tax season -
for the wages with which I provide myself the things I need. I'm thankful for
dry socks and showers and being able to sleep in one layer of clothing.

I'm thankful for my girlfriend and its putting up with my distance, not just my
physical distance but my emotional distance. I don't have the words to express
how much I am thankful for it and I am still as amazed by everything it does as
when we first met. I'm thankful for the lessons partners of the past and recent
past have taught me. I'm thankful for the love that is given to me and has
been.

I'm thankful for my sidekick, my roommates' families, my old friends and future
co-conspirators.

I'm thankful for the contributors to the free software I use. Bastien Dejean
for bspwm, q66 for Chimera Linux, Torvalds for Linux, the thousands of
contributors to the bigger projects, particularly Firefox, Xorg, GrapheneOS.
Emma Tebibyte, Marceline Cramer, and Sasha Koshka are people I talk to on-line
and who make programs I use, and I'm thankful for them.

I would not be the person I am today without the generosity of others and I am
humbled by the ease with which good people do amazing things for the world.


/blah/2023-11-22.html

: getting rogue to compile on chimera linux

BUT automatically and from the netbsd source tree because i <3 netbsd

$ git clone https://github.com/NetBSD/src
$ ^C # never mind it's 2GB
$ curl https://raw.githubusercontent.com/NetBSD/src/trunk/games/rogue/Makefile

note to self meli mail client looks pog

nvm im gonna go get high


/blah/2023-11-18.html

One of the details about Slipstream and its universe of media (that I will
eventually get around to expressing) is that computers are largely invisible,
relegated to the spaces in the walls or servers in cities far away.
Technological literacy, like the skill to repair a car or radio, only persists
among the very highly educated so they may design the infrastructure through
which the Restovus live. This is a time that resembles a hundred years ago more
than today, despite being hundreds of years in the future, with minor details
lost in the fog of sight such as entropy being in places reversed. This also
explains airily notions of "magic" and "time travel". Slipstream in particular
is hard to follow in terms of understanding the underlying technologies, but
they're less to understand and more to accept, like all things far from one's
reality.


/blah/2023-11-17.html

installing the internet archive `ia' client

$ python3 -m pip install internetarchive


/blah/2023-11-16.html

: adding a user to feeling.murderu.us, an alpine linux host

https://wiki.alpinelinux.org/wiki/Setting_up_a_new_user

$ scp id_ed25519.pub feeling.murderu.us:/home/trinity/
$ ssh feeling.murderu.us
	$ doas su -
		# adduser -D user
		# adduser user wheel
		# mkdir -p /home/user/.ssh
		# mv id_ed25519.pub /home/user/
		# chown -R user:user /home/user/.ssh
		# exit
	$ exit
$ exit


/blah/2023-11-15.html

It is hard to cope with happiness. This is the best period of my life ever, bar
none. I have time to learn, discuss, work, clean, I'm wearing clean clothes and
can take regular showers. I don't know how to process it. I've never in my life
been in such a good environment with such good friends and I don't know how to
cope with getting rides everywhere, having meals made for me, my laundry done
by someone else.

I've been very self sufficient for a little while now. I did my laundry at
either a laundromat with money I had earned from work or with my own hands in a
work sink with soap purchased with money I had earned from work. Often the
latter so I could afford to eat food I had prepared with ingredients I had
purchased with money I had earned from work, or food I had prepared during
work. A washing machine doesn't fit in a backpack, nor a dryer, though in a
pinch when walking I could hang clothes off the backpack to get at least a side
of them dry before getting to where I could change out of what I was wearing.

In order to change my clothes I had to find a public bathroom, ideally a Burger
King because I was an employee there but in a pinch if I was fast enough a gas
station would work, put my backpack and clothes on the often dirty floor, and
strip down in a stall or in better cases when a stall was a room a full
restroom. I had to do it fast because gas station attendants and fast food
workers can smell homelessness on you, the hopelessness and stench of hand
washed clothing. It is in the modern era equivalent to smelling addiction and
on occasion I would be accused of taking so long in the bathroom to shoot up
heroin. There was never sympathy or understanding or even acceptance. Because I
was homeless, noticeably so, I was considered subhuman, vermin. 

There was no way to take a shower. Gym bathrooms work if you're cisgender or
living in a generally trans-friendly area. I was not. A shower for me was the
bathroom at work, before work, where I used my laundry soap and a bandanna to
swab my arms, face, neck, chest, and armpits. I had to be quick because the
morning workers liked to spread rumors about my being a homeless addict,
an immediately obvious falsehood to those who knew me but slander for those who
didn't. I wasn't troubled that people knew I was homeless because while
violence likes to come for those on the streets, vermin that can be tortured
and killed the same way rats and cockroaches are in apartments, I was charming,
witty, somewhat educated or seemingly, and tried to be as kind as possible to
others. I tried to be a representable member of the unhoused and of the
trannies, to appeal to those cretins with their ceilings and simpler thoughts.

In order to change my clothes, if in the apartment, I take my clothes off and
put different clothes on. In order to take a shower I go to the bathroom, take
my clothes off, and turn the shower tap. Less pain, less ink. Can I get used to
this? Should I? When I see Subarus outside I wonder if I could have survived
the winter. It was cold as fuck sleeping outside in October. Sometimes I wonder
if I did die in that car. If this is heaven. I wonder if I did die in that car
and so now if I am a different person than who entered. I wonder if Toni is
still where I left her in the parking lot, if she's rotting from disuse and if
the cardboard I used to seal the rear window is molding. The picture of Dorian
Grey.


/blah/2023-11-12.html

Happy birthday my dears.

Oedipus

1	Iam nocte Titan dubius expulsa redit
	now night Titan doubt  expel   I return
1	I return at night now to dubious Titan

2	et nube     maestus squalida exoritur iubar,
	&  to cloud sad     foul     become   radiance
2	and to the foul, sorry smog that had become its radiance,

3	lumenque flamma triste luctifica gerens

4	prospiciet avida peste solatas domos,

5	stragemque quam nox fecit ostendet dies.



/blah/2023-11-06.html

Some stuff is failing in Rust. I'll put this stuff here which is part of the
Hearth running processs as a note but I still don't have this working. I got a
job and have been working the last couple days.

$ cargo install cargo-update
$ cargo install cargo-xtask
$ rustup target add wasm32-unknown-unknown
$ git clone https://github.com/hearth-rs/kindling
$ sh -c 'cd kindling; cargo build-root'

I don't remember what I was doing on here. I see these errors:

  = note: clang-16: warning: argument unused during compilation: '-no-pie' [-Wu
          ld: error: unable to find library -lssl
          ld: error: unable to find library -lcrypto
          ld: error: unable to find library -lz
          clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to se

In installing cargo-update, so I guess I'll try

# apk add openssl-devel # did nothing; is installed
# apk add libssl3 # did nothing; is installed

Okay I give up. Whatever.

  --> src/main.rs:23:48
   |
23 |     if let Ok(val) = if let Ok(val) = reqwest::blocking::get(jasima_remote
   |

Cargo.toml:
- reqwest = "0.11"
+ request = { version = "0.11", features = ["blocking"] }


/blah/2023-11-03.html

Rest in peace Jayden Cho-Sargent. 2003-2016.

[05:33] q66: sanchan: that's not a solution and you should not do that
[05:33] q66: libgcc-chimera exists purely for compatibility with prebuilt
             binary software
[05:34] q66: you should fix whatever to not link gcc_s instead

FROM:    ckie
TO:      trinity
SUBJECT: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 05:36:26 +0200

why do thaaattttttttttttttttttttttttt

~>~:::

  😭
  why do that

Why OD THAT ~???
Why Do that.
That's so evil trinity, you could . Like., Not do that. Please?

[cirno_actually_plays_zelda_in_terminal.png]

WH??? y...y....

🥺 🥹 🥹 🥹 😭

x∅x∅
[return address]

ne hone ronnewrn nenh..n rkmrawr ) :
 WA waoo ohoooo o
 w hy yyy mREAWmmmmm

cc [...] says u might'v listenef in so hi u hearxd me ig maybe
    ( only if fae not wearin heapdohn )

FROM:    trinity
TO:      ckie
SUBJECT: Re: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 07:09:06 +0000

do i have permission to put this on my blah https://trinity.moe/blah/

FROM:    ckie
TO:      trinity
SUBJECT: Re: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 14:31:44 +0000

sure maybe leave the attachment out it's meow [...]
[...]

Friendship formed! Hell yeah!

Readers should e-mail me stuff I can respond to on my blah like I'm a real
Buzzfeed journalist or as if I was writing the next Dracula. Epistular
storytelling.

$ ssh root@all.evil
ssh: Could not resolve hostname all.evil: Name does not resolve

allevil.org is available but I don't have money to blow on domains right now.

E-mailing entities like ckie is delightful. What is "e-mail" in toki pona?
toki pona la E-mail pi toki inli li seme? Maybe toki lipu kiwen - metal
documented speech? How can uncertainty be represented in toki pona?

They discussed continental philosophy last night at Sangha. I'm gonna need to
read Anti-Oedipus. Or actually Descartes.

There's a project some friends of mine are working on called Hearth. It just
merged in a sister project, Flue, last night. It's written in extraordinarily
clean Rust and is the reason I'm learning Rust. It's going to be a big deal.

$ git clone https://github.com/hearth-rs/hearth
$ cd hearth
$ cargo build
error: failed to run custom build command for `msdfgen-sys v0.2.1`

Caused by:
  process didn't exit successfully: `/home/trinity/hearth/target/debug/build/ms
dfgen-sys-3ee3a8b654b57797/build-script-build` (exit status: 101)
  --- stderr
  thread 'main' panicked at /home/trinity/.cargo/registry/src/index.crates.io-6
f17d22bba15001f/msdfgen-sys-0.2.1/build.rs:33:13:
  No prebuilt bindings. Try use `bindgen` feature.
  note: run with `RUST_BACKTRACE=1` environment variable to display a backtrace
warning: build failed, waiting for other jobs to finish...

$ cp hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml.orig
$ <hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml >hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml.orig \
	sed '8c msdfgen = {version = "0.2.1", default-features = false, features = ["bindgen", "ttf-parser", "png"]}'
$ cargo build
error: failed to run custom build command for `msdfgen-sys v0.2.1`

Caused by:
  process didn't exit successfully: `/home/trinity/hearth/target/debug/build/ms
dfgen-sys-80b011bd235771f0/build-script-build` (exit status: 101)
  --- stdout
  cargo:rerun-if-env-changed=TARGET_SYSROOT
  cargo:rerun-if-env-changed=CXX_STDLIB

  --- stderr
  thread 'main' panicked at /home/trinity/.cargo/registry/src/index.crates.io-6
f17d22bba15001f/bindgen-0.63.0/./lib.rs:2338:31:
  Unable to find libclang: "the `libclang` shared library at /usr/lib/libclang.
so.16.0.6 could not be opened: Dynamic loading not supported"
  note: run with `RUST_BACKTRACE=1` environment variable to display a backtrace
warning: build failed, waiting for other jobs to finish...

$ doas su -
# apk add clang-devel
$ cargo build
$ # [no dice]


/blah/2023-11-02.html

$ ldconfig -p
$

Oh, right. Hm.

https://pkgs.chimera-linux.org/packages > contents > "ldconfig"
ldconfig belongs to apk:musl-progs.
# apk fix musl-progs
fetch https://repo.chimera-linux.org/current/contrib/aarch64/APKINDEX.tar.gz
fetch https://repo.chimera-linux.org/current/main/aarch64/APKINDEX.tar.gz
(1/1) Reinstalling musl-progs (1.2.4-r4)
OK: 2623 MiB in 982 packages
# ls -l $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx  1 root  root  4 Nov  2 09:48 /bin/ldconfig -> true

Hm.

# unlink /bin/ldconfig
# ls -l $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx  1 root  root  4 Nov  2 09:49 /bin/ldconfig -> true

Uh. I guess I'll ask OFTC#chimera-linux.

This being caused by a system upgrade would explain the initial timestamp of
yesterday at 1700, when probably I ran `# apk -U upgrade` out of habit. I can't
find much on the package browser or anything so I guess I'll just wait for
somepony to get back to me on IRC.

[09:52] sanchan: hey how come ldconfig is linked to true by musl-progs?
[09:53] sanchan: i think this happened after a recent update. i'm on aarch64
                 but a $ unlink /bin/ldconfig; doas apk fix musl-progs re-links
                 ldconfig->true
[10:17] q66:     it's supposed to be, what else would it be
[10:18] q66:     it always was too
[10:46] sanchan: i'm trying to get some rust stuff working and cargo is failing
                 to compile a C dependency for lack of -lgcc_s
[10:46] sanchan: i installed gcc-chimera or whatever it's called but still no
                 dice
[10:47] q66:     okay
[10:48] sanchan: ,/lib/libgcc_s.so.1 exists so it seems like an ldconfig issue,
                 online troubleshooting said ldconfig -p might tell me what's
                 going on
[10:49] sanchan: this isn't my area of expertise
[10:49] q66:     i don't understand how you get to that conclusion
[10:49] q66:     ldconfig isn't a thing with musl
[10:49] q66:     libgcc_s isn't a thing with compiler-rt
[10:49] sanchan: blindly following troubleshooting guides
[10:49] sanchan: i see
[10:51] q66:     glibc has a dynamic linker cache for library lookups, ldconfig
                 controls that cache
[10:51] q66:     musl doesn't have a cache
[10:52] q66:     that's why ldconfig is a symlink to true
[10:52] q66:     so that when something hardcodes calling it, it's a noop
[10:54] sanchan: interesting
[10:55] sanchan: cargo must just not be checking the right dirs or something.
                 i'll play around with it
[10:55] sanchan: thank you!
[10:55] q66:     <@q66> libgcc_s isn't a thing with compiler_rt
[10:55] q66:     something hardcoding lgcc_s is wrong
[10:55] q66:     it shouldn't be doing that

The Chimera Linux IRC channel is really valuable for figuring out system
weirdness but I always feel weird bugging the Professionals^TM for my awful
computer issues.

Rust tickles my brain so I'm gonna work on that instead of this.
Rust says: Package openssl was not found in the pkg-config search path.
I say: # apk add openssl-devel
And so it worked.

Rust says: = note: ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s
I say: Shit.

Okay, so this is an ld error (actually an error in that -lgcc_s shouldn't be
required but whatever).

fn jasima_get() -> Result<json::JsonValue> {
    if let Ok(val) = if let Ok(val) = reqwest::blocking::get(jasima_remote()) {
            let file = File::create(jasima_local());
            file.write_all(val.text());
            Ok(val.text())
        } else if let Ok(val) = read_to_string(jasima_local()) {
            Ok(val)
        } else {
            Err("Unavailable")
        } {
        json::parse(val)
    } else {
        Err("Unavailable")
    }
}

MARS: That should compile, but also, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm never going back to C.

Marcie checked out my cargo stuff and said "Hmm. Wack" or the equivalent dog
noise.

Burgered king; regiphagia.

Beat Mars at 2048. I feel accomplished. Also I got a job today.

I am just sort of here. I don't live here or anywhere else or anywhere in
particular and just come with my hosts when they do cool stuff and chip in
however I can in terms of housework or finances. This is a really pleasing
existence but I can't help thinking I can and should be doing more.

$ ld -L/usr/lib -lgcc_s
ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s

https://stackoverflow.com/questions/335928/ld-cannot-find-an-existing-library
>A quick hack is to symlink libmagic.so.1 to libmagic.so
# ln -s /usr/lib/libgcc_s.so.1 /usr/lib/libgcc_s.so
# ^D
$ ld -L/usr/lib -lgcc_s
ld: warning: cannot find entry symbol _start; not setting start address

You're fucking shitting me.

We're all just chilling in Samsara.


/blah/2023-11-01.html

Rabbit rabbit.

$ doas su -
# apk del rust cargo
# ^D
$ curl --proto '=https' --tlsv1.2 https://sh.rustup.rs -sSf >rustup.sh
$ more &lt;rustup.sh # DO NOT PIPE CURL INTO SH!!!
$ sh rustup.sh

I went with a default installation because whatever. I just hope this doesn't
fuck up my system because I quite like my system as it's installed.

$ . .cargo/env
$ rustc --version
Error loading shared library libgcc_s.so.1: No such file or directory (needed b
Error loading shared library libgcc_s.so.1: No such file or directory (needed b
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-

Hmmm.

$ doas su -
# apk add libgcc-chimera
# ^D
$ rustc --version
rustc 1.73.0 (cc66ad468 2023-10-03)

Cool.

Consultation with hosts: print!("{}", var); uses the display trait of var while
print!("{:?}", var); uses the debug trait of var.

At night I like to look around and feel the air on my skin. The air is still
but flowing because this place is well ventilated yet well heated and feels
nice, is a nice temperature. I like to look around at the walls and how they
blend into the ceiling, distinct only by texture and shade. There are no gaps
between them. Nor between the wall and the floor. The walls are clean here. So
is the floor. So is the ceiling. There are fire alarms and carbon monoxide
detectors and blinds on the windows and the air is nice but most importantly
the space is so big. A month ago I was waking up in a car, freezing. I was
freezing because the car had nearly no insulation and nearly no ventilation, so
my breath would condense onto any object that had some warmth to give it like
the windows or my blankets or sleeping bag. The condensation would cool me in
the night. I would wake up often in the very early morning hours shivering and
unable to get warm, kept awake by Kami insisting we not fall asleep or we could
die of hypothermia. I'd read Alias Grace or another book on my tablet, the
glass cold to the touch and foggy, wishing I was somewhere else, somewhere far
away where I couldn't touch the clean ceiling even if I stretched my arm out to
as far away as my fingertips could reach. Now I am here, the place of which I
dreamed. The walls are so far away and yet the air here, so much air, is so
warm. It's comfortable. I'm laying on a couch which is comfortable and using my
laptop comfortably and using wall electricity and laying in warmth and there's
a sink in this room or adjacent to get water on demand and there is fucking
laundry! I can do my fucking laundry! I can take a shower when I wish to! And
every night out of joy I cry myself to sleep. I sob like a little piss baby,
muffling my cries with my mouth or my will or when those fail the sleeping bag
in which I lay because I'm terrified that I will be back on the street again
and without the car and unable to get comfortable on hard surfaces anymore.

I met Toni in February, a 1999 green Subaru Forester or Forrester or something.
She was driven by my sidekick and in fine shape except for some difficulties
making it up hills. At the time my sidekick was considerably less so and I was
coming off some bad decisions with drugs and we were discussing some stuff and
I was in love with that car but never thought I would end up living in it. The
best weekend I'd ever lived.

I met Toni in a different light in September or so. I'd slept near a pile of
nearly unidentifiable corpses, the same hill about a hundred paces away, and
then went to work and pretended I hadn't. Then I scootered a ways down a hill
and up another to a different Burger King than the one at which I had worked
and crawled through the rear of the car, fringed with broken glass which did
cut me once or twice, and slept in the passenger seat in my sleeping bag. It
wasn't comfortable compared to where I am now but it was better than any of the
places I'd tried to sleep over that week and I got nine or so hours. I woke up
and went to work, the other Burger King, chipper. None of my coworkers knew I
was homeless but I didn't hide it. When I was homeless (technically I still am)
in Lewiston I wanted to actually let people know I was homeless because I
dispelled a lot of classic stereotypes about homeless people - I was educated,
sober, and employed. But rent money is not simply money but money in a bulk I
didn't have. The purpose of that job was to get the money to get where I am now
but I still can't believe I am actually here.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see them, the corpses torn apart by something
of the forest, and I feel the exhaustion that rooted itself into my bones. And
I wake up and I'm hear under a clean ceiling and the walls are so far away. In
Toni I couldn't sit up without hitting my head, I had to duck or bend my back
somehow. I couldn't extend my legs. Here I can extend my legs however I want in
whatever direction I want. And pee as soon as I wake up.

I feel so fucked. My body is safe but my mind will not stop feeling like there
is something from which to run. I can't forget what I saw and what I felt and
who I was and what I did and being chased and losing trails and playing with
trails and tracers and the falling down hills and sirens and sillhouettes in
red and blue and making my way through dark alleys full of knives and shopping
knives and losing knives and cutting, others and myself, and biting belts as I
repaired my own mechanical faults and shocking myself until I forgot why and
waking up to screaming and waking up to screaming and waking up to screaming.
This is peace. What is peace?

Peace is the two library books I've read and returned since getting a library
card here. What If (2014) and What If 2 (2022). Neither really books I needed
to read or was recommended. Just books I wanted to enjoy. Peace is learning
Rust to contribute to friends' projects, using my laptop, drinking clean water
straight from the tap. Peace is riding in the car behind a few of the smartest
people I know who seem happy I'm here and safe, or at least that my body is
safe, but I don't tell them about the memories I can't get out of my head, just
the memories that haunt me but that are allowed to escape, to be forgotten
momentarily, that alone haunt my hosts. I still feel like I'm in the car
sometimes. I feel the old seat felt against the backs of my arms as I come to
from my sleeping bag. I see my breath fog in front of me. I don't but I do, I
see without seeing. Kami shakes me until I wake up. It's not safe. But it's
never safe, it's never safe because I'm still in the car and the lights are
pouring through the windows but it's the sun's light and it's through apartment
windows and it is safe here but it's not safe because the light is pouring
through the windows and I can be seen and someone is about to start yelling
that they will kill me because they don't see me as human and this was the only
secluded place I could find but it's not secluded because it's a floor behind a
locked door but it's not secluded so it's not safe and I'm taking up too much
space so my hosts are going to hate me but they tell me I can take up more
space certainly but I'm taking up too much space.

And I just want to go to sleep. I want peace. Peace was taken from me by those
who wage war on the proletariat. Whatever. I'm too tired. Could this even be
real? What happy existence? Am I really allowed to relax? Isn't it a trick?

o tenpo pimejo pona

  = note: ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s
          clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to se
e invocation)
          
error: could not compile `clap_derive` (lib) due to previous error

# apk add gcc-aarch64-none-elf
# ^D
$ cargo run
   Compiling clap_derive v4.4.7
error: linking with `cc` failed: exit status: 1
  |
  = note: LC_ALL="C" PATH="/home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unkn
[many lines abridged]

Okay, so Rust is having issues with the lack of gcc here. It kinda sucks that
clap is using C stuff. I'm not sure if I should get this C stuff working first
or switch to a pure Rust argument parser.

Looking at this command line, it's LC_ALL=C PATH=[...] VSLANG=1033 cc [and then
a whole bunch of bogus] [cflags] -lgcc_s lc [and then more cflags]. What
provides gcc_s?

$ ls /lib | grep gcc
drwxr-xr-x root root  4.0 KB Fri Sep  8 05:26:01 2023 gcc
.rwxr-xr-x root root   70 KB Wed Oct 25 16:41:53 2023 libgcc_s.so.1

Presumably libgcc_s.so.1 was put there by libgcc-chimera (I'm not gonna bother
checking). I'm just gonna search this error text because I'm not sure why the C
compiler wouldn't be checking /lib.

$ ldconfig -p
$ ldconfig
$ ldconfig --help
$ echo $?
0
$ ls $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx root root 4 B Tue Oct 31 17:08:41 2023 🔖 /bin/ldconfig ⇒ true

Hahahahhahahaha. What. Where's ldconfig?!?!?!?!?!?!! I would assume this is the
root of the issue at hand.

At my most boring I have wished for a life worse than the one I have now. This
is the most enjoyable my life has ever been and yet it is unrelentingly
chaotic and I don't know how to get the pieces to fit. I feel irredeemable and
unable to relate to anyone or anything except perhaps a pebble being kicked
across the asphalt of the road or leaves falling off the trees, ripening,
wrinkling, from a soothing green to a reminder of the loss of youth.

One day I expected rain overnight so I slept in the passenger seat so I could
see the rain fall down the windshield. It was a view I had romanticized in my
head, one I wanted to pause and view for eternity. My sidekick did not. They
have places to go and things to do naturally so when it happened that we were
caught in rain and got to see rain fall over Toni we watched for a moment or
two and then drove onward toward the future, beckoning it without letting it
take its time. I was excited to be able to take this moment, though
unfortunately in solitude, at the pace by which I wanted to experience it. So I
fell asleep against the bitter cold of that parking lot and awoke to the pitter
patter of droplets against the glass before me and that was peaceful and I was
for a moment happy. But then I heard a colder, shriller tap from behind, and
turned around to find the cover for the rear window I'd fashioned out of
cardboard and plastic leaking by the seams, forming a puddle that would
inevitably fill with mildew and rot. I stared at this and realized my time in
Toni was limited. Toni would mildew, rot, and disintegrate, as had all my
relationships and all of my chances at housing.

After work I got back to the car and the puddle in the back was bad but in
getting into the car I had left my wet boots on the floor of the passenger seat
so the back was the only place in which I could sleep. My head curved away from
the active dripping I heard the clack clack behind me of rain making its way
through half a dozen layers of duct tape and mockig me before I sat up and just
fucking broke down. I couldn't stay in Toni but couldn't stay anywhere else and
I was out of options and just so fucking tired and cold and damp. There was no
one to comfort me and no solace to be had. My sidekick had left for another
style of adventure, everyone in my life had been either implicitly or
explicitly transphobic towards me, and I had inconsistent access to electricity
and clean water and hadn't showered in a week. It was the lowest point of my
life. To be wet and unable to be dry, to be cold and unable to be warm, to be
so tired and unable to sleep, to be so alone with nobody left. I sobbed like a
baby and didn't care who could hear me, the rain covered the sound and whomever
it revealed my cries could kill me for all I cared - I did genuinely want
someone to just open the car door and stab me, clutch me in a warm embrace and
spill my hot blood over me so I could just be warm for one fatal instant.
Nobody came. I fell asleep.

And from this dream I wake up to a ceiling so high and a floor so dry and air
unknowing of the sound of dripping agony but acclimated to my sobs which,
though muffled, do still call silently into the night after my hosts have
hopefully fallen asleep. And I don't know how to process being thrown from the
frigid shackles in which I'd been locked into the shocking freedom of domestic
cookie cutter monotony. I don't know how to fathom the stillness. I no longer
need to run but my muscles refuse to atrophy, instead slowly cycling in my
slumber lest I rise back to the street and to another abandoned car in another
parking lot. The gray pavement on which parking lots are drawn knows me better
than any four walls. Ceiling is not my usual blanket.


/blah/2023-10-31.html

: trinity writes a rust hello world

Where I now find myself living (though to say I live here would be a lie) I am
surrounded by a couple of the smartest people I know, and through some days of
wearing me down I am donning the programmer socks and writing a Rust Hello
World program.

I am now actually wearing thigh highs.
# apk add rust

I don't actually know how to get the Rust build system going but this seems
like the best option so I'll go with this which is already packaged for
Chimera.

Oh, I'll need cargo(1) too.
# apk add cargo

One of my friends built the Rust book PDF for me which is nice because I can
consult it on my tablet while programming on the laptop.

>Foreword
>It wasn't always so clear, but the Rust programming language is fundamentally
>about *empowerment*...

Okay, I get why so many chan-types are so against Rust. But seeing how people
who know Rust use Rust I am sort of starting to get it. It's a high level
language that can be used well for systems programming, basically?

>To check whether you have Rust installed correctly, open a shell and enter
>this line:
$ rustc --version
Okay.
rustc 1.73.0 (cc66ad468 2023-10-03) (Chimera Linux)
Awesome!

I don't have rustup so I can't read the Rust docs but I'll probably be around a
web browser when programming so I think it's fine?

Rust wants me to make a Hello, World! to start, but that's not super practical
code for me. I think I'm gonna start smaller and make a true(1) implementation.

```rs
fn main() {
}
```

Works.

```rs
```

Does not work; there's no `main` function so the program doesn't know how to
execute:

error[E0601]: `main` function not found in crate `r#true`
  |
  = note: consider adding a `main` function to `true.rs`

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0601`.

I really like the `rustc --explain` thing, this reminds me of Shellcheck.
Compare to the clang error message when compiling the same file:

ld: error: undefined symbol: main
>>> referenced by crt1.c:18 (../crt/crt1.c:18)
>>>               /lib/Scrt1.o:(_start_c)
>>> referenced by crt1.c:18 (../crt/crt1.c:18)
>>>               /lib/Scrt1.o:(_start_c)
clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to see invocati
on)

There's a lot going on here that the beginner (or even proficient C programmer)
doesn't know and doesn't know how to start to know.

Alright, what about this:

```rs
fn main();
```

error: free function without a body
 --> true.rs:1:1
  |
1 | fn main();
  | ^^^^^^^^^-
  |          |
  |          help: provide a definition for the function: `{ &lt;body> }`

error: aborting due to previous error

Okay, so `fn main() { }` seems to be the simplest way to do this. How do I
return an exit code explicitly, though, so I can make a false(1)
implementation?

It was at this point one of the people I know who knows Rust came by and I told
them how I was coming along and they were really supportive of my very meager
progress.

I found some stuff here:
https://doc.rust-lang.org/std/process/struct.ExitCode.html

So instead of understanding everything that's happening I'll try just plugging
some code in, StackOverflow style:

```rs
use std::process::ExitCode;

fn main() -> ExitCode {
	ExitCode::from(0)
}
```

TRIN: Can I name you in my blog? Or should I keep saying "it was at this point
      one of the people with which I'm staying walked through on its pacing
      route"?
MARS: You can say Mars, that's fine.

TRIN:               So you can put a constant on the last line of a function
                    without a trailing semicolon to return that value?
MARS [paraphrased]: Yeah. It's less to say, "return that value" than it is to
                    say "this function has this value". Rust is a functional
                    language disguised as a procedural language.

Okay, that fucks. ExitCode has a SUCCESS constant I could also use, meaning the
equivalent to C's `E_OK` or whatever the constant provided by stdio.h is, but
I'm wary about using a library-defined constant less it changes because POSIX
does not change (much). So I think this is a good Rust true(1) implementation.
It can be found in src/true/true.rs. And src/false/false.rs:

```rs
use std::process::ExitCode;

fn main() -> ExitCode {
	ExitCode::from(1)
}
```

I just had supper which was delicious, vegan hot dogs and some macaroni my
hosts had left over. They are really delightful.

Now I wanna make echo(1). This will serve as my HelloWorld as it uses stdout
printing and, beyond the usual HelloWorld, very light argument handling. The
book mentions cargo(1) which I will be using but for now I'll stick to single
.rs files because echo(1) shouldn't have any dependencies.

It looks like std::env will give me stuff relating to arguments, std::env::args
or std::env::args_os. According to StackOverflow the difference is in typing.
I've heard docs.rs has some documentation but looking at the site it looks like
it only documents third party cargo crates, which are like C libraries but (I
think) included per-project so as to not muck up the system (I hope). I looked
up "rust std env" and found docs.rust-lang.org which has /std/env which was
what I needed.

The Rust documentation summarizes more thoroughly but, basically, an OsString,
the type instances of which are iterated through by (oh my god this sentence is
a prepositional mess I give up) an OsString is a fat pointer or whatever the
Rust equivalent is while a String is probably just a nul-terminated sequence of
bytes. Implementation-defined of course but Rust documentation notes that
OsString should be converted to a CStr before being used in UNIX system calls.
A nice detail I'm happy to know! I shouldn't have to do any string conversion;
echo(1) should spit out *exactly* what it's given (opinion; implementations
differ) just with space delimiting and newline ending. Hopefully there's a way
for me to print out an OsString without conversion or anything. I need to `use
std::ffi::{OsStr, OsString};` or something like that I think but I'm gonna try
with just `use std::env;` at first.

The use of echo(1) is defined for argc&lt;2 (print a newline alone; argc can be
zero without consequence here) and argc>=2, so it won't be necessary to return
a value from main(), Rust can just use the default successful value.

It looks like OsStr and OsString are from std::ffi which provides tools for FFI
bindings. This also notes that the Rust String is also fat and not nul
-terminated. It looks like the difference is that OsString represents an "owned
platform string" and an OsStr represents a "borrowed reference to a platform
string". This, I think, relates to memory management and a Borrow Checker
(spooky) about which I haven't gotten around to learning. Rust's std::ffi is
fascinating but while learning Rust I wanna be doing things oxidatiously or
whatever and not doing a thin Rust wrapper and then my usual C bullshit. One of
the things about Rust that excites me is that it seems to be able to make
guarantees about project stability C can't but I don't know much about that
except the stuff Mars has shown me that I don't quite understand.

So how do I iterate through env::args_os? According to its reference page,
```rs
use std::env;

fn main() {
	for argument in env::args_os() {
		println!("{argument:?}");
	}
}
```
Wow! What the fuck is a println!? According to the Rust book all we need to
know is that the `!` suffix is some Hungarian notation esque marker that
println!() is a macro. The Rust documentation provides a definition, I think,
of println:
```rs
macro_rules! println {
	() => { ... };
	($($arg:tt)*) => { ... };
}
```
I think the `{ ... }` notes abridged portions and the [...]` => { ... };`
indicates that one case is triggered by println receiving no arguments and the
other case is triggered by println receiving any other amount of arguments. I
don't know if this is actual code or anything but yeah uh... Rust macros. Cool.
What I was actually interested in is how to print without a newline. I think
there's a macro for that too.
```rs
macro_rules! print {
	($($arg:tt)*) => { ... };
}
```
Interesting. The documentation notes:
>Prints to the standard output.
>
>Equivalent to the `println!` macro except that a newline is not printed at the
>end of the message.
>Note that stdout is frequently line-buffered by default so it may be necessary
>to use `io::stdout().flush()` to ensure the output is emitted immediately.
I like the note that `fflush(stdout);` is needed because this bites C beginners
a lot when writing stuff that does something like `printf("> ");
fgets([...]);`.

I see stuff in here about `.unwrap()` and `stdout().lock()` but I hope I don't
need that because I don't understand it yet. I'm just gonna use print!. So how
do I print! an OsString? And how do I handle argc&lt;2?

The book chapter 12 actually touches on a lot of this and I stumbled upon it
looking at std::env stuff. Here's a test I can run from the book:
```rs
use std::env;

fn main() {
	let args: Vec&lt;String> = env::args().collect();
	dbg!(args);
}
```

I'll modify that a little:
```rs
use std::env;

fn main() {
	let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args().collect();
	dbg!(args);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0412]: cannot find type `OsString` in this scope
 --> echo.rs:4:19
  |
4 |     let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args().collect();
  |                   ^^^^^^^^
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/alloc/src/string.rs:365:1
  |
  = note: similarly named struct `String` defined here
  |
help: a struct with a similar name exists
  |
4 |     let args: Vec&lt;String> = env::args().collect();
  |                   ~~~~~~
help: consider importing this struct
  |
1 + use std::ffi::OsString;
  |

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0412`.

Okay.
$ sed -e '1a use std::ffi::OsString' &lt;echo.rs >echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.2.rs
error[E0277]: a value of type `Vec&lt;OsString>` cannot be built from an iterator 
over elements of type `String`
 --> echo.rs:5:43
  |
5 |     let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args().collect();
  |                                           ^^^^^^^ value of type `Vec&lt;OsStri
ng>` cannot be built from `std::iter::Iterator&lt;Item=String>`
  |
  = help: the trait `FromIterator&lt;String>` is not implemented for `Vec&lt;OsString>`
  = help: the trait `FromIterator&lt;T>` is implemented for `Vec&lt;T>`
note: required by a bound in `collect`
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/core/src/iter/traits/iterator.rs:2049:5

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0277`

Oh shit, I forgot to change env::args to env::os_args.
$ sed -e '5s.args.os_args.' &lt;echo.2.rs >echo.rs
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0425]: cannot find function `os_args` in module `env`
 --> echo.rs:5:36
  |
5 |     let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::os_args().collect();
  |                                    ^^^^^^^ help: a function with a similar 
name exists: `args_os`
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/env.rs:793:1
  |
  = note: similarly named function `args_os` defined here

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0425`.

Oops.
$ sed -e '5s.os_args.args_os.' &lt;echo.rs >echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.2.rs
$

So presumably it compiled.
$ ./echo
[echo.rs:6] args = [
    "./echo",
]

Okay, that debug macro is kinda awesome. The 500K binary makes me kinda weirded
out, what's the size of the actual echo.c (which is the complete program) when
compiled for arm64 (my current architecture)?

.rwxr-xr-x trinity trinity 9.8 KB Tue Oct 31 21:01:27 2023 🏗 a.out

This output is prettier than usual because I'm using lsd(1), a reimplementation
of the standard POSIX ls(1). My girlfriend in Florida uses it and it's really
pleasant and color codes some stuff in a way that's very useful.

10K is a lot less than half a meg. I wonder if Rust is statically compiling
versus relying on system library stuff. I don't wanna bother looking this up so
I'll go ask Mars.

Its door is closed so I'll look this up. "why are rust binaries so big" popped
up a StackOverflow post that started with "Rust uses static linking" so that
answers my question. I would assume a statically linked C executable would be
about that big, from memory I think this is true but don't wanna bother testing
because I don't have the energy to look up clang arguments.

$ cc -static echo.c
ld: error: unable to find library -l:libunwind.a
ld: error: unable to find library -latomic
ld: error: unable to find library -lc
clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to see invocati
on)

Yeah, I'm not sorting that out, I'm not building C stuff on here to distribute.

I think vec.len() will tell me how many arguments I've received?

```rs
use std::env;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args_os().collect();
	dbg!(args);
	dbg!(args.len());
}
```
$ rm echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0382]: borrow of moved value: `args`
 --> echo.rs:7:10
  |
5 |     let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args_os().collect();
  |         ---- move occurs because `args` has type `Vec&lt;OsString>`, which doe
s not implement the `Copy` trait
6 |     dbg!(args);
  |     ---------- value moved here
7 |     dbg!(args.len());
  |          ^^^^ value borrowed here after move
  |

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0382`.

Okay, so now I'm talking to the borrow checker. Maybe if I assign the length to
a variable it'll work? I don't know what I'm doing.

```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = args_os().collect();
	let argc = args.len();
	dbg!(args);
	dbg!(argc);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
$ ./echo
[echo.rs:7] args = [
    "./echo",
]
[echo.rs:8] argc = 1

Okay. I don't know why that works but it does. Something to do with memory
management. That's not a big deal to me because I understand when I do fucky
wucks like
```py
try: print("c = " + str(
		(float(input("a = ")) ** 2
		+ float(input("b = ")) ** 2)
	** 0.5))
except ValueError: print("input must be a number")
except: pass
```
there's a lot of memory shit happening behind the scenes I don't have to worry
about, unlike in the equivalent C where I would have to handle buffer overflows
(I personally would toss the excess and skip to the newline) and string to
float conversion. Rust requiring some steps Python wouldn't makes sense to me
because while Rust is less pedantic it doesn't lie to me (much).

Let me try something now:
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let argv: Vec&lt;OsString> = args_os.collect();
	let argc = argv.len();

	if argc &lt; 2 {
		println!();
	} else {
		dbg!(argv);
	}
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
$ ./echo | hexdump -C
00000000  0a                                                |.|
00000001
$ ./echo piss shit
[echo.rs:11] argv = [
    "./echo",
    "piss",
    "shit",
]

Cool stuff. I don't think Rust has ternaries so I'm not gonna be able to do
language tricks to make the code really compact like my C implementation:
```c
#include &lt;stdio.h> /* NULL, fprintf(3), putc(3) */
#include &lt;stdlib.h> /* stdout */
#include &lt;sysexits.h> /* EX_OK */

int main(int argc, char **argv){

	if(*argv == NULL || *++argv == NULL){
		argc = 1;
		putc('\n', stdout);
	}

	while(--argc)
		fprintf(stdout, "%s%c", *(argv++), argc > 1 ? ' ' : '\n');

	return EX_OK;
}
```
Something I really like is that whereas in C I note what I use from headers in
comments like a total tool, Rust lets me bring individual structures and
functions in so I can keep track of my dependencies in code alone.

I wonder if I can
```rs
use std::env::args_os;

fn main() {
	let argc = args_os().collect().len();
	dbg!(argc);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0282]: type annotations needed
  --> echo.rs:5:26
  |
4 |     let argc = args_os().collect().len();
  |                          ^^^^^^^ cannot infer type of the type parameter `B
` declared on the method `collect`
  |
help: consider specifying the generic argument
  |
4 |     let argc = args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;_>>().len();
  |                                 ++++++++++

error: aborting due to previous error; 1 warning emitted

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0282`.

Okay, how about
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let argc = args_os().collect::Vec&lt;OsString>().len();
	dbg!(argc);
}
```
I guess function::type() specifies the type of which function should be
returning. That sort of makes sense? C doesn't have generic functions like that
but I think I understand some of what's happening there.
$ rustc echo.rs
error: generic parameters without surrounding angle brackets
  --> echo.rs:5:35
  |
5 |     let argc = args_os().collect::Vec&lt;OsString>().len();
  |                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  |
help: surround the type parameters with angle brackets
  |
5 |     let argc = args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len();
  |                                   +             +

error: aborting due to previous error

Okay. I'm changing that without copying my code because I'm not motivated to do
so. Also the actual errors are probably not byte-for-byte if for whatever
reason you're following along at home (why would you? I don't know what I'm
doing) because my code actually has a ton of snippets commented out so I don't
need to retype everything.

I made the changes it suggested and the program works. Neat. But do I need that
local variable?
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	if args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len() &lt; 2 {
		println!();
	} else {
	}
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$

No I don't! Only if I'm using it more than once, which makes sense. I'd like to
forego println!() though because I have a feeling this prelude-provided macro
will do platform-specific things and differ on NT vs UNIX due to line ending
conventions. I don't like that for a program that's supposed to follow POSIX.
It looks like std::io::Stdout exists so I'm gonna use that and put a lock on
std::stdout so I can write to it. I think this works?
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
	if args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len() &lt; 2 {
		stdout.write(b"\n"); // Rust wants a 'b' prefix
	} else {
	}
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
warning: unused `Result` that must be used
 --> echo.rs:8:9
  |
8 |         stdout.write(b"\n");
  |         ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  |
  = note: this `Result` may be an `Err` variant, which should be handled
  = note: `#[warn(unused_must_use)]` on by default
help: use `let _ = ...` to ignore the resulting value
  |
8 |         let _ = stdout.write(b"\n");
  |         +++++++

warning: 1 warning emitted

Okay, a note that I should handle the possibility of an error. I don't know how
to do that so I won't, like a true in-the-field professional.

I guess b"\n" is a Rust byte string. I don't think it's super important just
yet for me to know what that is so I'm gonna assume I'm fine.

I'm feeling devious.
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
	if args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args_os() {
			stdout.write(argument);
			stdout.write(b" ");
		}
	}
	stdout.write(b"\n")
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error[E0308]: mismatched types
 --> echo.rs:9:26
  |
9 |             stdout.write(argument);
  |                    ----- ^^^^^^^^ expected `&[u8]`, found `OsString`
  |                    |
  |                    arguments to this method are incorrect
  |
note: method defined here
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/io/mod.rs:1461:8

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0308`.

So I could look up how to turn an OsString into a `&[u8]` but I need to know
what that is because echo(1) shouldn't be dependent on "proper input" (UTF-1
should work as well as UTF-8). I checked the std::ffi::OsString methods but
none of them really told me anything I think I can use so I'm gonna look at
std::io.

Looking at the primitive u8, it's an 8-bit unsigned integer which should be
fine for my uses. The method into_os_str_bytes() should work to convert
std::ffi::OsString into a Vec&lt;u8> but the documentation notes that this is
"a nightly-only experimental API". Whatever, probably fine.

```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
	if args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args_os() {
			stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
			stdout.write(b" ");
		}
	}
	stdout.write(b"\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error[E0658]: use of unstable library feature 'os_str_bytes'
 --> echo.rs:9:35
  |
9 |             stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
  |                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  |
  = note: see issue #111544 &lt;https://github.com/rust-lang/rust/issues/111544> f
or more information

error[E0308]: mismatched types
 --> echo.rs:9:26
  |
9 |             stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
  |                    ----- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ expected `&[u8]`, fou
nd `Vec&lt;u8>`
  |                    |
  |                    arguments to this method are incorrect
  |
  = note: expected reference `&[u8]`
                found struct `Vec&lt;u8>`
note: method defined here
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/io/mod.rs:1461:8
help: consider borrowing here
  |
9 |             stdout.write(&argument.into_os_str_bytes());
  |                          +

error: aborting due to 2 previous errors

Some errors have detailed explanations: E0308, E0658.
For more information about an error, try `rustc --explain E0308`.

Okay, I'll add that ampersand the borrow checker desires. I'm not sure how this
works still.
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0658]: use of unstable library feature 'os_str_bytes'
 --> echo.rs:9:36
  |
9 |             stdout.write(&argument.into_os_str_bytes());
  |                                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  |
  = note: see issue #111544 &lt;https://github.com/rust-lang/rust/issues/111544> f
or more information

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0658`.

So how do I use an unstable library feature? I'll use the rustc facilities.

$ rustc --explain E0658

This brought me into a manual snippet shown in my configured pager (I think)
with instructions on how to add a feature flag. I then did what it said and
wasn't anywhere better so I wonder if there's another way to turn an OsString
into a &[u8].

Then Mars came into the room and greeted me and I asked it how to make this
shit work. Apparently an issue is I'm running stable rustc and in order to use
nightly rustc stuff I need nightly rustc provided by using rustup instead of
the packaged rust toolchain. I don't really wanna do that but I also don't
really wanna give up so I think I'm just gonna make this a shitty echo(1)
implementation that limits input to UTF-8. But first I wanna see how someone
else has done this already.

https://github.com/uutils/coreutils.git src/uu/echo/src/echo.rs L119:
>pub fn uumain(args: impl uucore::Args) -> UResult&lt;()> {
>    let args = args.collect_lossy();
>    let matches = uu_app().get_matches_from(args);
>
>    let no_newline = matches.get_flag(options::NO_NEWLINE);
>    let escaped = matches.get_flag(options::ENABLE_BACKSLASH_ESCAPE);
>    let values: Vec&lt;String> = match matches.get_many::&lt;String>(options::STRING
) {
>        Some(s) => s.map(|s| s.to_string()).collect(),
>        None => vec![String::new()],
>    };
>
>    execute(no_newline, escaped, &values)
>        .map_err_context(|| "could not write to stdout".to_string())
>}

Those rat bastards did std::env::args.collect_lossy()! Those utter tools! I
imagine this doesn't work for binary data but I don't know and I'm not building
this because I don't wanna figure out how to right now.

Everyone is going to sleep now except me so I now feel like I need to get an
echo(1) implementation working on this, the first day I've actually started to
learn Rust. I'm just gonna go with std::env::args and Strings.

Mars also mentioned some Rust types stuff, namely &[u8] being a borrowed slice
of u8s or something. I sort of got it and sort of didn't, I did at the time I
just forgot. Sorry!

Also it came back out after I wrote that to greet me and then promptly
disappeared.

This spits out a lot of warnings:
```rs
use std::env::args;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};

fn main() {
	let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
	if args().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;String>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args() {
			stdout.write(&argument.as_bytes());
			stdout.write(b" ");
		}
	}
	stdout.write(b"\n");
}
```

This is nice but print!() handles errors I think so I'm just going back to
that.

```rs
use std::env::args;

fn main() {
	if args().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;String>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args() {
			print!(argument);
			print!(" ");
		}
	}
	print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error: format argument must be a string literal
 --> echo.rs:6:20
  |
6 |             print!(argument);
  |                    ^^^^^^^^
  |
help: you might be missing a string literal to format with
  |
6 |             print!("{}", argument);
  |                    +++++

error: aborting due to previous error

Okay.

```rs
use std::env::args;

fn main() {
	if args().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;String>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args() {
			print!("{}", argument);
			print!(" ");
		}
	}
	print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$ ./echo hello world
./echo hello world

The issue is the first argument is coming along for the ride in that for loop.
How do I skip the first iteration of an iterator?

[trial and error with .rs files and rustc omitted]

Oh.

```rs
use std::env::args;

fn main() {
	if args().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;String>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args().skip(1) {
			print!("{} ", argument);
		}
	}
	print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$ ./echo Hello, world!
Hello, world!
$ ./echo Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween!

That's where I'm leaving my Rust education today. And this is day 1. Pretty
good!


/blah/2023-10-29.html

Another journal, in its entirety

2023-09-??

TODO
TODAY
x WORK 1130-2000
x GRANDPARENTS
* PRACTICE Sx Sy ? S S S Sy S S S [I was practicing writing Ses to make my
                                   handwriting look more like Ditko's]
* DOWNLOAD "PI"
* DOWNLOAD "TRINITY"
* DOWNLOAD "BARBIE"
* DOWNLOAD "OPPENHEIMER"
TOMORROW
x CLEAN [...]'S LAPTOPS
x REPACK + DECIDE WHAT GOES TO C.O.
* TEXT [...]?
LEWISTON
* MAIL [...] EDIBLES
x MAIL [...] LAPTOPS
x MAIL COLORADO
* MAKE SURE MAL'S OK
2023-09-30
x 2W NOTICE
2023-10-14
x LEAVE FOR [...]
	LEWISTON
x FLIPPER          x MODEM
x REPACK           x BAG + BIVY
  [...]            x SD ADAPTER
  MAL              x CABLES
  CALEB            x SCOTT
  GRANDPARENTS     x GOIN POSTAL
  [...]              [...]
x [...]            x [...]
x [...]            ~~[...]~~
x ~~[...]~~ [...]
x [...]

2023年09月24日

	Beginning to plot my way out of here...
	I'm back because I was overencumbered. Now I've mostly repacked, not
enough to leave but enough to be mobile. I still have too much stuff.
	Old socks stick to the bottom of your feet. Your soles meld with the
thread and ache from the dull torture. Old underwear's seams dig into you and
leave marks or acne on your ass. It's unavoidable.
	The worst parts of homelessness are the lack of regular showers or
laundry. You can survie without regular showers. Your body stops stinking so
much, your hair stops being oily to compensate for your shampoo, your learn to
live without that feeling of dry freshness. But your clothes rot. Not your good
clothes, if you were smart enouugh to plan ahead and get a wool shirt and
sturdy pants, but the clothes you don't think about - socks, underwear, bras.
Cycling through articles only delays the inevitable.
	"du" followed by 17 'h's. "Du"+17*"h"

2023-09-??

Looking at me ' up and down
thick left thigh, '' pupils blown out
I'm leaning onto brick and his pace changes tempo
- -- bitch keep walking \&lt;
decelerates, ' my voice decrescendoes
VV I'll tear your neck open and piss in your windpipe
song of the city plays still and I \<
take out my bubble gum, my flavor's out \<
swallow, chew another, passing kid begins to
                       open his mouth
bitch keep walking ||
and the time goes by \<
leaning onto brick imagining piss in a windpipe
pneumonia \<
car ' after car ' after car \<
bitch keep walking '
butterfly knife in my pocket \<
no I do not have spare change \<
I don't open my wallet '
wish I was back in the office '
yes it's dark and damp but at least \<
there's free coffee '
bitch keep walking ' 
bitch keep walkking \< (don't stop) \<
anywhere other than here \< (there's nothing here) \<
I do not want to fight \<
but if I fight it'll be ^ (quick) \<
but if I fight then I will ^ (win)
->bitch keep walking<-

everyone packs heat but I pack nothing ''
how many will die ' for a fucking macguffin
t's so pointless but it's a check and my assignment ''
don't ask me again \<
bitch keep walking | ||

six foot three built like a bee
~~~~~~~~~~~
twelve large holes around my abdomen
~~~~~~~~~~~
can't touch me
my nest is rot infested
my head is shedding centipedes
call me Blowfly Girl
I want my pestilence degree

bee threesome
poly pollinators

2023-??-??

it's the end of the line
the line down the road
and I am so thirsty
and I'm so alone
my crimson elegy
falls to the floor
the blood isn't clotting
and I'm letting go

I've made my fair share
of crossings the street
and all for attention
but it never mattered to me
when I needed space
I was given so little
when I hit my rock bottom
you said it was the middle
and I walked the line
the line down the road
because I was so hungry
now I'm so alone
the rations were scarce
and the others hardly rational
I need unconditional love
but to you it's transactional

it's the end of the line
the line down the road
I used a rusty knife
I'm not worried about tetanus anymore
and I've formed a puddle
I'm curled in a ball
everything's uncomfortably sticky
but I'm not worried at all
and when one day they ask
if my passing was mourned
you better look them in the eye
and say you wish you caught the warnings
and the casket carriers marched
me from my rest to my grave
and I lay there lazily motionless
as you'd say, I slept too late
and now I'm late and they've formed a line
the line down the road
to witness my drained body
as I'm still, so alone

2023-??-??

one don't you touch me
don't you
don't you touch me
don't you
ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding
don't you fucking cross that line
dark avenue alley
three hundred year old
don't you fucking cross that line
I'm a Hollywood star
you ungreatful little
A-------------------
this night
is the last night
is the last night
I'm alone
there is no one
baby no one
I am the one
so alone
wretched
in my harbor
and my dark
dark avenue
and the needle
sewing needle
I'm your pillow
in you go
~~~~
don't you
fucking touch me
fucking touch me
warm pillow
don't you
fucking touch me
fucking touch me
warm ~~~~~ below
~~~
don't you
fucking hurt me
fucking hurt me
down below
don't you
fucking shoot me up
your loading
gun below

2023-??-??

I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELF
THE WATER IS COLD AND DROWNS THE NOISE OUT
I FOLLOWED THE LINE JUST TO GET HERE TODAY
NOW THE BLADE'S ON THE FLOOR AND I LINGER IN PAIN

I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELF
THE CHOIR IS FAINT AND THE SIRENS FADE OUT
IT'S THE END OF THE LINE AND SO DESPERATELY
I TRACED IT INTO THE FAINTLY BLUE VEIN

WHO KILLED ME?           YOU KILLED ME
WHO PULLED THE           YOU PULLED THE
TRIGGER AT NOON?         TRIGGER AT NOON
WHO KILLED ME?           YOU PUSHED ME
ANGELS BECKON ME         INTO THIS HELL
INTO THE GLOOM           BECKONING YOU TOO
IT'S SO MURKY            IT'S SO MURKY
I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME  I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME
TO KNOW WHODUNNIT        TO SAY I'M SORRY
JUST TELL ME             I'M NOT READY
PREACH MY FATE           TOUCH MY FACE
AND HAIL TO THE SUN      AND THEN SAY IT'S DONE

I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELVES
RECKLESS DICHOTOMY NEVER WORKED OUT
IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW AND THE CURTAINS COME DOWN
I'M THIRSTY BUT IT'S QUIET NOW

2023-10-23

panel 1: [person running], thinking: GOD DAMN NECESSARY EXERCISE
panel 2: [person in baseball cap behind other person, under a starry night]
panel 3: [person in baseball cap]: I WONDER HOW MUCH BLOOD THAT GUY HAS
panel 4: [x]

[5 legged cat cartoon]

[happy kitty cartoon]

2023-10-26

TEXT [...] [x]   P.O. BOX [-]
     V          /    |  V
  APPLY FOR JOBS [x] | I.D.
                     |  V
[...]'S TIRE [ ]     | MEDICAID
V  PHOTOGRAPHY [x]   |
PINEPHONE OS [ ]     | [...] LUNCH [-] TOMORROW
                     |  V
MOP [ ]  CASH [x]     \ LIBRARY
                      V  V
[...]                 LIBRARY CARD

[...]                     1072
                          [...]

                          1068
                          [...]

2023-10-??

P.O. BOX
    |
    '----> get proof of having
           P.O. box
             |
             V
https://dmv.colorado.gov/documents

"Homeless applicants without a residential
address must provide a letter from
a government entity, or not-for-
profit organization with its letterhead
showing the facility's name, address,
and telephone number, including the
legal representative's name, signature,
and signature date. The letter must
state, 'will accept delivery of mail
for the customer.'"

2023-10-26

THURS 10-27
[...] lunch

FRI 10-28

SAT 10-29
[...] & [...] out for party afternoon/eve

SUN 10-30

2023-10-??

Emulsify, motherfucker!

-- Mx. Clean

2023-10-??

Deven Trinity Blake is currently
physically resident at

2023-10-??

PINEBUDS
 _____        _____
| . . |      | . . |
| . ._|_    _|_. . |
|   /   \  /   \   |
|_L_\_*_/  \_*_/_R_|

 TX RX         TX RX
 5V Gnd        5V Gnd

2023-10-??

[...] [...]
[...] [...]


/blah/2023-10-27.html

Someone killed a couple dozen people in my hometown a week or two after I left.
They did it with an assault rifle and went to the bowling alley where in my
childhood I attended birthday parties and a bar or something near a place at
which I used to work.

My gut reaction is very callous because I was treated very poorly in this
hometown. I and many of my friends were harrassed by the police that are now
being lauded for their unsuccessful work on finding the perpetrator of this
mass killing who fled or possibly committed suicide. On one of the streets on
which innocent people were shot en mass I was chased out of tree cover under
which I was sleeping by someone who yelled at me that they were going to kill
me because I was homeless. I know more people than were killed who died from
lack of resources and lack of help in the same town who were equally innocent.