From 0164344c52626d6bdfd996d2f0dce4f7995036af Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: DTB Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2023 08:48:24 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] 2023-11-15 --- homepage/homepage | 76 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 76 insertions(+) diff --git a/homepage/homepage b/homepage/homepage index 2981ed3..40e7978 100755 --- a/homepage/homepage +++ b/homepage/homepage @@ -491,6 +491,82 @@ $!TITLE home

+/blah/2023-11-15.html + +It is hard to cope with happiness. This is the best period of my life ever, bar +none. I have time to learn, discuss, work, clean, I'm wearing clean clothes and +can take regular showers. I don't know how to process it. I've never in my life +been in such a good environment with such good friends and I don't know how to +cope with getting rides everywhere, having meals made for me, my laundry done +by someone else. + +I've been very self sufficient for a little while now. I did my laundry at +either a laundromat with money I had earned from work or with my own hands in a +work sink with soap purchased with money I had earned from work. Often the +latter so I could afford to eat food I had prepared with ingredients I had +purchased with money I had earned from work, or food I had prepared during +work. A washing machine doesn't fit in a backpack, nor a dryer, though in a +pinch when walking I could hang clothes off the backpack to get at least a side +of them dry before getting to where I could change out of what I was wearing. + +In order to change my clothes I had to find a public bathroom, ideally a Burger +King because I was an employee there but in a pinch if I was fast enough a gas +station would work, put my backpack and clothes on the often dirty floor, and +strip down in a stall or in better cases when a stall was a room a full +restroom. I had to do it fast because gas station attendants and fast food +workers can smell homelessness on you, the hopelessness and stench of hand +washed clothing. It is in the modern era equivalent to smelling addiction and +on occasion I would be accused of taking so long in the bathroom to shoot up +heroin. There was never sympathy or understanding or even acceptance. Because I +was homeless, noticeably so, I was considered subhuman, vermin. + +There was no way to take a shower. Gym bathrooms work if you're cisgender or +living in a generally trans-friendly area. I was not. A shower for me was the +bathroom at work, before work, where I used my laundry soap and a bandanna to +swab my arms, face, neck, chest, and armpits. I had to be quick because the +morning workers liked to spread rumors about my being a homeless addict, +an immediately obvious falsehood to those who knew me but slander for those who +didn't. I wasn't troubled that people knew I was homeless because while +violence likes to come for those on the streets, vermin that can be tortured +and killed the same way rats and cockroaches are in apartments, I was charming, +witty, somewhat educated or seemingly, and tried to be as kind as possible to +others. I tried to be a representable member of the unhoused and of the +trannies, to appeal to those cretins with their ceilings and simpler thoughts. + +In order to change my clothes, if in the apartment, I take my clothes off and +put different clothes on. In order to take a shower I go to the bathroom, take +my clothes off, and turn the shower tap. Less pain, less ink. Can I get used to +this? Should I? When I see Subarus outside I wonder if I could have survived +the winter. It was cold as fuck sleeping outside in October. Sometimes I wonder +if I did die in that car. If this is heaven. I wonder if I did die in that car +and so now if I am a different person than who entered. I wonder if Toni is +still where I left her in the parking lot, if she's rotting from disuse and if +the cardboard I used to seal the rear window is molding. The picture of Dorian +Grey. + + +/blah/2023-11-12.html + +Happy birthday my dears. + +Oedipus + +1 Iam nocte Titan dubius expulsa redit + now night Titan doubt expel I return +1 I return at night now to dubious Titan + +2 et nube maestus squalida exoritur iubar, + & to cloud sad foul become radiance +2 and to the foul, sorry smog that had become its radiance, + +3 lumenque flamma triste luctifica gerens + +4 prospiciet avida peste solatas domos, + +5 stragemque quam nox fecit ostendet dies. + + + /blah/2023-11-06.html Some stuff is failing in Rust. I'll put this stuff here which is part of the