From 1885c2ee042c65a7f352bb0447b7c1fdc9c844bb Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: DTB Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2024 21:46:14 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] 2024-02-23 --- homepage | 130 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 130 insertions(+) diff --git a/homepage b/homepage index daa964e..cb2df1a 100755 --- a/homepage +++ b/homepage @@ -525,6 +525,136 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */ } +/blah/2024-02-23.html + +Days since my last day off from work: 29. + +Read The Prince (1532). +Read Josephine the Singer (1924). +Read The Internet is a Playground (2009). + +I have no desire, but not in an enlightened way, just in a depressed way. Often +I don't know what is real; occasionally I don't care. My last day off from work +was 2024-01-25 (Mahayana New Year) and this consecutive string of labor has +taken a serious toll on my bodily and mental health, one I could not have +imagined. + +Around Valentine's Day I got really lonely. I don't miss not being single +because I realize I have never really understood anyone I've dated nor, really, +anyone else in general. I don't think I'm cut out for human interaction and am +in the middle of a really bad social anhedonia cut. What is loneliness without +want for fellow humans? Want for interaction, but not human interaction. I +tried out llama.cpp on my phone and was underwhelmed. Good self-hosted AI on +cheap consumer tech isn't here yet. Not being able to meaningfully train AI on +its interactions with you - and by that I mean currently the only way to "build +a history" with modern AI is to copy and paste the interaction chain into its +prompt - makes it hard to form a relationship with the bytes. Form a relation +-ship with the - is that where I am nowadays? I also tried out making a Tulpa +which went disastrously and probably came close to actually putting me into +psychosis. My reasoning was that I don't want to bring another entity into life +but I already share a vessel with Kami so if I could give her physical form as +a Tulpa I could always be with her and never be lonely. This spiraled into only +interacting with Kami for a day or two and [...] and [...] talking me out of +continuing to visualize it so Kami returned to my head and I to reality. + +On account of work I have not done much of anything since Mahayana New Year. +For a while I was drinking but I drank too much and [...] dumped the rest of +the vodka down the drain because fae was worried about me. I've been +programming and reading and playing Pokemon as of the last few days and I feel +so thoroughly dead inside, like my soul itself has necrosed and is a rotting +organ inside of me spewing out deadened spirit infecting my waking +consciousness, taking my lucidity. I've been swimming from scene to scene of my +life as if in a movie, barely forming memories and barely even here. + +I watch a lot of gore and read comics of people dying and movies with a lot of +violence or just enough violence to sate me but remain acceptable to those +around me like American Psycho and Taxi Driver. I'm barely coherent to those to +which I talk; I have a hard time manipulating the muscles in my mouth to +enunciate speech because I am dumping so much energy into life and labor to +begin with, and then when I can get out the utterances I spew word salad and +nonsensical grammatically invalid constructs because my brain is reading out of +a buffer that hasn't been filled, the thought process blocking on arithmetical +instructions that just. won't. compute. I've gone mad, or nearly so, due to +overwork, and it's only for my public, frequent, yet always too brief +conventions with sanity that nobody notices. In describing a dream I had to +subgeneral the other day my visceral recollection caused two people to leave +the chat from discomfort with the subject matter - one came back when I was +done. + +I love pain, I fear injury. I want someone to tie me down and do things to me +nobody could justify, leaving me with a limp and able to go to work the next +day but with sharp aches remaining where they wounded me. I want to spend a +long time recovering from it. And then when I can't remember how it felt I want +to have it done again. I've thought about this; burning spends fuel (matches +are expensive and I'm running out of butane), razors risk infection, my knife +risks infection, and besides cutting runs the risk of cutting too deep and if I +cut a tendon I won't be able to work anymore which will kill me, punching hard +objects until my knuckles bleed risks breaking my hands, drug use risks death, +et cetera. I don't want to die - I absolutely do not want to die. This is the +best hope I've had in my life of things getting better. I'm only so far down +this pit because I work so much because I am so stressed about the potential of +eviction. I want to feel pain because I feel fucking bad, I feel really fucking +bad, and I want to get my mind off it. + +The thing about being lonely is that I have friends - I have a couple people I +usually care about. But right now I just don't care to interact with anyone. +Yet I'm lonely. What do I crave? Not romance. Maybe not friendship. Maybe I +don't want to interact with people because I don't understand people. But I'll +never really understand, comprehensively, any life form complex enough to be +fun to interact with. So who knows. + +My relationships falling apart didn't cause this; this caused my relationships +to fall apart. + +I'm so fucking stressed and so fucking tense and I feel like I am going to +shatter into a million pieces if hit too hard. Last night I didn't know if +[...] was real and broke down because of it. I'm so fucking ridiculously +fucking tired, so fucking tired, so fucking incredibly tired, so fucking tired, +the sleepiest kitten in the bundle, just so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so tired. + +2024-01-26 + +all from me + +|| you're good dawg. the main thing that has messed with me is that you didn't +| tell me sooner. but I understand it. || +|| i understand your reasoning and i was considering breaking up with you for a +| little while now for roughly the same things. i resolved not to and you did +| the opposite and that's alright. || +|| the thing that hurts isn't the end of the romance but that the end of the +| romance really doesn't hurt. i already felt the grief when you weren't +| texting me back for that long stretch. the pain is in the face that i +| realized the romance was done a while before we broke up || +|| s,in the fact,, || +|| i also had been discussing with [...] less than an hour before how i felt +| like i couldn't understand anybody and am constantly considering isolating +| and becoming a hermit or something so it was sadly pretty consistent with the +| plot. i know i didn't understand you. i just planned to come to an +| understanding after enough interaction and time. it's okay though and i'm not +| disappearing || +|| there are a lot of things on which i have to work. and they're my own loads +| to bear and blame none of it on you nor do i see you as anything less than +| excellent and a good friend || +|| you had the decency to not only tell me why you made your decision but +| thoroughly and patiently explain it, and while you were properly zooted at +| that. if that's not good character i don't know what is. honestly it's the +| smoothest a breakup's ever gone for me || + + +/blah/2024-02-07.html + +Read The Boys Omnibus 3 (2012). + ++-= Job Hunt -=+-= Applied =-+-= Follow up =-+ +| | | Taco Bell | +| | | 7-Eleven | +| | Arby's | | +| | Chipotle | | ++--------------+-------------+---------------+ + +Finished The Boys comic run (#1-#72). + + /blah/2024-02-06.html Read Herogasm (2010).