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@@ -1050,6 +1050,199 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */
 }
 
 
+/blah/2024-07-31.html
+
+: my acid trip
+
+I don't remember much of my acid trip. I was working on something or another,
+or maybe just doomscrolling - a rotten, nasty habit I've picked up during my
+prolonged depression of about the last half year - no, wait, let's back up. So
+the tab I took would have been 200ug but I had half of that (cut into a
+triangle) and I held it under my tongue for an hour before swallowing it, sort
+of like taking sublingual estradiol valerate. Then, during that hour, I
+probably scrolled doom. Wait, let's back up some more. So the reason I went on
+my trip is because I was severely, profoundly depressed, and was entertaining
+the notion of killing myself via helium tank and oxygen mask. I was at rock
+bottom and then some. This was because I felt that I'd mostly fucked up my
+friendships by getting in a kind of nasty on my side argument with [...]. And
+that was because I realized I had been paying its rent for about nine months to
+keep a roof over my own head while it had remained mostly unemployed. One of
+the reasons for my hitting rock bottom was that I believed the only people in
+this world I sort of care about had been mostly leeching off me for nearly a
+year while I had been on the dark side of depression and getting mentally worse
+and worse, and those that I cared about either didn't notice or didn't care.
+And I don't know now if they care but I'm not particularly concerned because
+these remain the only people I can really tolerate. The reason I was thinking
+about killing myself was because I was planning to move far away from anyone I
+care about, and I couldn't find apartments there and had hardly a faint notion
+of how I would live when I got there. I realized I would probably once again be
+homeless, living in a dead-end city, working fast food, and I decided killing
+myself was a better option than going through that again. And the reason I was
+going to move was because the people I cared about wanted me out, because we
+had gotten in an argument, and what compounded my depression was that just as
+we were getting to the point of financial stability, of three of us having jobs
+- the precipice, so damn close to my being able to go part-time and look for a
+different job, right as I would be able to mostly work for myself rather than
+my wages going to everyone who needed them - I was going to leave, mostly not
+of my own volition but because I was wanted gone. So I had worked nine months
+for the happiness of people who were discarding me, and I would be able to
+share in none of the good times. That's why I dropped acid, and that was rock
+bottom for me. I realized that if acid didn't, as the saying went, debug my
+brain, I would be cutting power to the computer, because I couldn't continue
+living the way I had. About an hour into doomscrolling I was suddenly seized by
+a fit of emotionless laughter that surprised me. I assumed it was the placebo
+effect - it was too early for the acid to even start kicking in - but was
+confused by it. Then after about ten minutes everything started to change. The
+light shining into the living room had a fantastic shimmer to it, the trees
+swayed together in beautiful synchrony to the wind, my friends had a glow on
+the surface of their skin. I tuned the television to Double King, an animation
+purportedly even wilder on LSD, but it didn't really catch my attention. Time
+lost its linearity entirely and events twisted upon themselves, causality was
+damned, happenings overlapped with others. Chronology was nonsense, a ludicrous
+concept for the insane. I saw kharma, the energy itself, real as Newtonian
+physics. My stuffed shark Mynn had fur, soft fur, cut into triangles, and I
+explored the surface of buns coat for hours, a forest of angles cutting into
+the sky. This grasshopper crawled up onto the window and one of my roommates
+pointed it out to me. I said "oh, wow". They said I was tripping balls. I said
+"what?". They said I would never react to a cool bug by saying "oOOoH waaow". I
+didn't quite understand. I got hungry and wanted ramen, so [...], who was trip
+sitting me, made me ramen, and while fae was cooking I sat in the entryway to
+the kitchen distraught. "I fucked everything up... and for what? It's all so
+silly. I continue to harbor no resentment towards y'all. I don't wanna go to
+Ohio." Fae said "There are ways to fix it, you know". I asked how. Fae said I
+could get a job that wasn't killing me. I said I couldn't apply while tripping.
+Fae said fae could apply for me. So I gave faer my resume and fae got to work
+applying me to some high paying job while I had ramen at the table and laid on
+the futon and looked out through the window - these three things
+simultaneously. I chose ramen because I had heard spaghetti was notoriously
+difficult to eat while tripping, and I did almost get lost traversing Bowl
+Noodles on the way to chopstick land, but by breathing and not overthinking
+things I finished my ramen and sat back in the kitchen while [...] made the
+ramen I was eating. "Y'know, breathing really is the frame of reference. It's
+everything. The breath is the focus point." I said and fae agreed. [...]:
+"Always has been." Suddenly we were on the moon. Then I was thrust back to
+Terra and landed on the couch to stare into space. [...] gave me some headpats
+but too few.
+
+I started whispering to myself, in my head. Deus ex machina, deus ex machina.
+Fate from the machinations. If only there were a way to headpats. Then the
+front door shuddered as [...], my ex from a couple months back, stepped in, two
+hours into its scheduled shift at work. It had left as I held the tab under my
+tongue, before my trip commenced. It was my preferred trip sitter but
+Then I was crying, just after my trip started. I had an enormity, a belly full
+of laughter, then I was crying on [...]'s shoulder, my body exhaling its
+emotional toxins with every heaving sob. "Are you laughing?" fae asked me. I
+between wails managed to mutter "No." "Are you laughing so hard you're crying?"
+Again, "No." You're crying? I let go of [...] and stood rapt, my back straight,
+my head steady, though my face was contorted into a deeply pained scowl and my
+tears hadn't stopped flowing. I exhaled. It all left me. "I'm terribly sorry
+for such an emotional outburst." I went to stare out of the window at the
+rapidly aging earth, sun blasting out my eye holes using space lasers, trees
+dancing so melodically. It seemed to matter to nobody. Nobody cared. I felt
+free.
+Then [...] held my hands in faers after I had finished my ramen. Fae looked me
+in the eyes. "Trinity. Listen to me. I care about you." What? No. "No, I'm
+serious. You mean a lot to me." How? I mean nothing to myself.
+it had work today and today would have been the day I killed myself. "Just quit
+work."
+The rain poured down on us. We sat together at the corner, down the hill. I
+didn't know how I got there. I watched its hair get wet and laughed gently,
+noting its hair was perfect no matter the weather. It smiled and said it was
+getting cold, so we should go back. So we started walking back up the hill,
+back towards Big Lots", I said. "Big Lots?" it said. "Do you wanna go walk to
+Big Lots?" "I want to go walk to Big Lots!" "We should walk to Big Lots!" any
+of those three, their realities conjoining. I was probably peaking.
+Big Lots. Shelves. Cat food. "Do you want this collar?" a cat collar. It asked.
+"Maybe I oughtta put a collar on you." I replied. We went into the Big Lots. I
+headed over to the back to look at the random electronics shit. I spotted the
+headphones. "I'd like a pair of headphones to listen to Nurture by Porter
+Robinson." It had a $20 bill but I didn't wanna spend $10 on headphones. We
+moved over to the pet supply section, the munchies, then I went over to the
+furniture section to check out the furniture. We tried out the overpriced
+chairs and I checked out the drawers. It spoke. "Y'know, I would buy you a
+bureau."
+At that moment - I looked through the world, through the hill - at the stuff of
+mine under my desk at the apartment. Splayed out because I couldn't get the
+energy to clean it up. Nothing gross, just cables and clothes. In my mind's eye
+I saw my stuff arrange into neat squares into some drawers. I'd like that.
+We left Big Lots without buying anything and went over to a corner and felt the
+starting rain on our skin. [...] accompanied me and [...] on our walk but I
+asked faer to leave so I could ask my ex something, and I asked it then: "Are
+you into me?" "Wow, that was quite... forward." "Well are you?" I couldn't get
+a good read on it. "I don't know. Are you into me?" I lied: "I don't know."
+Then I realized I couldn't leave it at that, not now. "Yes. Yes, I'm terribly
+attracted to you. You are drop dead fuckin gorgeous. You're amazing. Badass."
+It got flustered. We got back inside and it went off and did something else.
+We were walking down the hill before Big Lots. "Y'know, one time my dad said
+'that's some big hail' to me, and I thought he said 'snail' and I looked
+outside and I said 'where's the snail?'" I put on an episode of Nichijou. I
+don't remember which one, or anything about it. The OP was trippy though. [...]
+continued its snail story: "I just didn't get that he was saying hail." I found
+a YouTube playlist for Nurture. "And I didn't even realize until, like, a year
+later." I turned each television speaker to face towards the immediate front of
+the TV. How could someone care about me? Does anyone care about me? I was alone
+in the living room, absent trip sitter or anyone else. I was really sad and
+didn't know why. I got my sleeping bag and laid directly in front of and
+perpendicular to the television, my head nearly against the screen. I hit Play.
+
+I see visual snow. Not to the extent of visual snow syndrome, which I think is
+qualified by disruption of daily life (mine is benign but always present). I
+didn't know this until a roommate and I were talking about closed eye
+visualizations and it came up. I thought it was normal; my vision just had this
+"film grain", or the digital sensor was noisy, or something. When I close my
+eyes there's this fuzziness, this ambiguity of hue caused by my visual snow
+placing microscopic instantaneous spots of darkening and lightening on
+everything I see, sort of like when you use a bad television antenna. Again, I
+never noticed this because it never mattered to me; I could just look a little
+longer at something to get enough information to discern the precise color,
+sort of like a camera taking multiple pictures to use to denoise an image. I
+see this snow when my eyes are closed, and when it's dark as it was in the
+living room, they're simple blinking pearls of dark gray upon black.
+
+Except these pearls were color, rainbows. And as I sailed my ship on the seas
+of this album's song, they started to move consistently, which they had never
+done. My visual snow was dancing to the music. So were the trees that night. I
+drifted off into a cloud of Nurture and felt comfortable like I was being
+comforted, which was a feeling that wasn't particularly familiar to me.
+
+I lay in a field under the soft cloudy sky joining the earth.
+
+I was eating a tuna sandwich. The album was over. I felt entirely different. I
+put my sleeping bag on the futon and fell asleep. I didn't feel good, or
+comfortable. I might have felt loved but probably not. I just felt like I
+wanted to change, or maybe I wanted a change.
+
+
+/blah/2024-07-30.html
+
+tenpo lili la mi pali e sitelen ni, tan tenpo ali la mi pali ante.
+In little time I work on this blah, for all the time I work elsewhere.
+
+tenpo suno ni, la
+Today,
+
+	mi wile taawa mute
+	I will travel a lot
+
+	li wile pali e moku mute
+	and will make a lot of food
+
+	li wile kon e kasi nasa
+	and will breathe a silly plant
+
+tenpo mun kama, la mi wile lape
+Tonight, I will sleep
+
+kon mi li pilin lape. mi kama pona lon tenpo suno ni lon tenpo ni pi sike mun.
+My spirit is tired. I'm becoming good over today and over this month.
+
+kon mi li kama pilin pona. ni wile lon tenpo mute.
+My spirit is becoming happy. This will occur over much time.
+
+mi toki lon toki pona tawa jan pona mi. mi toki lon toki Inli tawa jan pali mi.
+toki pona li pona tawa mi. toki Inli li Inli tawa mi :P
+
+
 /blah/2024-07-25.html
 
 : the resignation letter i wrote