From 654ade67332f00acf6b53c409289f553fb5fe2d6 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: DTB Date: Wed, 31 Jul 2024 12:17:15 -0600 Subject: [PATCH] 2024-07-31 --- homepage.content | 193 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 193 insertions(+) diff --git a/homepage.content b/homepage.content index 8a5d354..bafe788 100755 --- a/homepage.content +++ b/homepage.content @@ -1050,6 +1050,199 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */ } +/blah/2024-07-31.html + +: my acid trip + +I don't remember much of my acid trip. I was working on something or another, +or maybe just doomscrolling - a rotten, nasty habit I've picked up during my +prolonged depression of about the last half year - no, wait, let's back up. So +the tab I took would have been 200ug but I had half of that (cut into a +triangle) and I held it under my tongue for an hour before swallowing it, sort +of like taking sublingual estradiol valerate. Then, during that hour, I +probably scrolled doom. Wait, let's back up some more. So the reason I went on +my trip is because I was severely, profoundly depressed, and was entertaining +the notion of killing myself via helium tank and oxygen mask. I was at rock +bottom and then some. This was because I felt that I'd mostly fucked up my +friendships by getting in a kind of nasty on my side argument with [...]. And +that was because I realized I had been paying its rent for about nine months to +keep a roof over my own head while it had remained mostly unemployed. One of +the reasons for my hitting rock bottom was that I believed the only people in +this world I sort of care about had been mostly leeching off me for nearly a +year while I had been on the dark side of depression and getting mentally worse +and worse, and those that I cared about either didn't notice or didn't care. +And I don't know now if they care but I'm not particularly concerned because +these remain the only people I can really tolerate. The reason I was thinking +about killing myself was because I was planning to move far away from anyone I +care about, and I couldn't find apartments there and had hardly a faint notion +of how I would live when I got there. I realized I would probably once again be +homeless, living in a dead-end city, working fast food, and I decided killing +myself was a better option than going through that again. And the reason I was +going to move was because the people I cared about wanted me out, because we +had gotten in an argument, and what compounded my depression was that just as +we were getting to the point of financial stability, of three of us having jobs +- the precipice, so damn close to my being able to go part-time and look for a +different job, right as I would be able to mostly work for myself rather than +my wages going to everyone who needed them - I was going to leave, mostly not +of my own volition but because I was wanted gone. So I had worked nine months +for the happiness of people who were discarding me, and I would be able to +share in none of the good times. That's why I dropped acid, and that was rock +bottom for me. I realized that if acid didn't, as the saying went, debug my +brain, I would be cutting power to the computer, because I couldn't continue +living the way I had. About an hour into doomscrolling I was suddenly seized by +a fit of emotionless laughter that surprised me. I assumed it was the placebo +effect - it was too early for the acid to even start kicking in - but was +confused by it. Then after about ten minutes everything started to change. The +light shining into the living room had a fantastic shimmer to it, the trees +swayed together in beautiful synchrony to the wind, my friends had a glow on +the surface of their skin. I tuned the television to Double King, an animation +purportedly even wilder on LSD, but it didn't really catch my attention. Time +lost its linearity entirely and events twisted upon themselves, causality was +damned, happenings overlapped with others. Chronology was nonsense, a ludicrous +concept for the insane. I saw kharma, the energy itself, real as Newtonian +physics. My stuffed shark Mynn had fur, soft fur, cut into triangles, and I +explored the surface of buns coat for hours, a forest of angles cutting into +the sky. This grasshopper crawled up onto the window and one of my roommates +pointed it out to me. I said "oh, wow". They said I was tripping balls. I said +"what?". They said I would never react to a cool bug by saying "oOOoH waaow". I +didn't quite understand. I got hungry and wanted ramen, so [...], who was trip +sitting me, made me ramen, and while fae was cooking I sat in the entryway to +the kitchen distraught. "I fucked everything up... and for what? It's all so +silly. I continue to harbor no resentment towards y'all. I don't wanna go to +Ohio." Fae said "There are ways to fix it, you know". I asked how. Fae said I +could get a job that wasn't killing me. I said I couldn't apply while tripping. +Fae said fae could apply for me. So I gave faer my resume and fae got to work +applying me to some high paying job while I had ramen at the table and laid on +the futon and looked out through the window - these three things +simultaneously. I chose ramen because I had heard spaghetti was notoriously +difficult to eat while tripping, and I did almost get lost traversing Bowl +Noodles on the way to chopstick land, but by breathing and not overthinking +things I finished my ramen and sat back in the kitchen while [...] made the +ramen I was eating. "Y'know, breathing really is the frame of reference. It's +everything. The breath is the focus point." I said and fae agreed. [...]: +"Always has been." Suddenly we were on the moon. Then I was thrust back to +Terra and landed on the couch to stare into space. [...] gave me some headpats +but too few. + +I started whispering to myself, in my head. Deus ex machina, deus ex machina. +Fate from the machinations. If only there were a way to headpats. Then the +front door shuddered as [...], my ex from a couple months back, stepped in, two +hours into its scheduled shift at work. It had left as I held the tab under my +tongue, before my trip commenced. It was my preferred trip sitter but +Then I was crying, just after my trip started. I had an enormity, a belly full +of laughter, then I was crying on [...]'s shoulder, my body exhaling its +emotional toxins with every heaving sob. "Are you laughing?" fae asked me. I +between wails managed to mutter "No." "Are you laughing so hard you're crying?" +Again, "No." You're crying? I let go of [...] and stood rapt, my back straight, +my head steady, though my face was contorted into a deeply pained scowl and my +tears hadn't stopped flowing. I exhaled. It all left me. "I'm terribly sorry +for such an emotional outburst." I went to stare out of the window at the +rapidly aging earth, sun blasting out my eye holes using space lasers, trees +dancing so melodically. It seemed to matter to nobody. Nobody cared. I felt +free. +Then [...] held my hands in faers after I had finished my ramen. Fae looked me +in the eyes. "Trinity. Listen to me. I care about you." What? No. "No, I'm +serious. You mean a lot to me." How? I mean nothing to myself. +it had work today and today would have been the day I killed myself. "Just quit +work." +The rain poured down on us. We sat together at the corner, down the hill. I +didn't know how I got there. I watched its hair get wet and laughed gently, +noting its hair was perfect no matter the weather. It smiled and said it was +getting cold, so we should go back. So we started walking back up the hill, +back towards Big Lots", I said. "Big Lots?" it said. "Do you wanna go walk to +Big Lots?" "I want to go walk to Big Lots!" "We should walk to Big Lots!" any +of those three, their realities conjoining. I was probably peaking. +Big Lots. Shelves. Cat food. "Do you want this collar?" a cat collar. It asked. +"Maybe I oughtta put a collar on you." I replied. We went into the Big Lots. I +headed over to the back to look at the random electronics shit. I spotted the +headphones. "I'd like a pair of headphones to listen to Nurture by Porter +Robinson." It had a $20 bill but I didn't wanna spend $10 on headphones. We +moved over to the pet supply section, the munchies, then I went over to the +furniture section to check out the furniture. We tried out the overpriced +chairs and I checked out the drawers. It spoke. "Y'know, I would buy you a +bureau." +At that moment - I looked through the world, through the hill - at the stuff of +mine under my desk at the apartment. Splayed out because I couldn't get the +energy to clean it up. Nothing gross, just cables and clothes. In my mind's eye +I saw my stuff arrange into neat squares into some drawers. I'd like that. +We left Big Lots without buying anything and went over to a corner and felt the +starting rain on our skin. [...] accompanied me and [...] on our walk but I +asked faer to leave so I could ask my ex something, and I asked it then: "Are +you into me?" "Wow, that was quite... forward." "Well are you?" I couldn't get +a good read on it. "I don't know. Are you into me?" I lied: "I don't know." +Then I realized I couldn't leave it at that, not now. "Yes. Yes, I'm terribly +attracted to you. You are drop dead fuckin gorgeous. You're amazing. Badass." +It got flustered. We got back inside and it went off and did something else. +We were walking down the hill before Big Lots. "Y'know, one time my dad said +'that's some big hail' to me, and I thought he said 'snail' and I looked +outside and I said 'where's the snail?'" I put on an episode of Nichijou. I +don't remember which one, or anything about it. The OP was trippy though. [...] +continued its snail story: "I just didn't get that he was saying hail." I found +a YouTube playlist for Nurture. "And I didn't even realize until, like, a year +later." I turned each television speaker to face towards the immediate front of +the TV. How could someone care about me? Does anyone care about me? I was alone +in the living room, absent trip sitter or anyone else. I was really sad and +didn't know why. I got my sleeping bag and laid directly in front of and +perpendicular to the television, my head nearly against the screen. I hit Play. + +I see visual snow. Not to the extent of visual snow syndrome, which I think is +qualified by disruption of daily life (mine is benign but always present). I +didn't know this until a roommate and I were talking about closed eye +visualizations and it came up. I thought it was normal; my vision just had this +"film grain", or the digital sensor was noisy, or something. When I close my +eyes there's this fuzziness, this ambiguity of hue caused by my visual snow +placing microscopic instantaneous spots of darkening and lightening on +everything I see, sort of like when you use a bad television antenna. Again, I +never noticed this because it never mattered to me; I could just look a little +longer at something to get enough information to discern the precise color, +sort of like a camera taking multiple pictures to use to denoise an image. I +see this snow when my eyes are closed, and when it's dark as it was in the +living room, they're simple blinking pearls of dark gray upon black. + +Except these pearls were color, rainbows. And as I sailed my ship on the seas +of this album's song, they started to move consistently, which they had never +done. My visual snow was dancing to the music. So were the trees that night. I +drifted off into a cloud of Nurture and felt comfortable like I was being +comforted, which was a feeling that wasn't particularly familiar to me. + +I lay in a field under the soft cloudy sky joining the earth. + +I was eating a tuna sandwich. The album was over. I felt entirely different. I +put my sleeping bag on the futon and fell asleep. I didn't feel good, or +comfortable. I might have felt loved but probably not. I just felt like I +wanted to change, or maybe I wanted a change. + + +/blah/2024-07-30.html + +tenpo lili la mi pali e sitelen ni, tan tenpo ali la mi pali ante. +In little time I work on this blah, for all the time I work elsewhere. + +tenpo suno ni, la +Today, + + mi wile taawa mute + I will travel a lot + + li wile pali e moku mute + and will make a lot of food + + li wile kon e kasi nasa + and will breathe a silly plant + +tenpo mun kama, la mi wile lape +Tonight, I will sleep + +kon mi li pilin lape. mi kama pona lon tenpo suno ni lon tenpo ni pi sike mun. +My spirit is tired. I'm becoming good over today and over this month. + +kon mi li kama pilin pona. ni wile lon tenpo mute. +My spirit is becoming happy. This will occur over much time. + +mi toki lon toki pona tawa jan pona mi. mi toki lon toki Inli tawa jan pali mi. +toki pona li pona tawa mi. toki Inli li Inli tawa mi :P + + /blah/2024-07-25.html : the resignation letter i wrote