diff --git a/homepage.content b/homepage.content index 1b2c0c2..fb69814 100755 --- a/homepage.content +++ b/homepage.content @@ -1050,6 +1050,252 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */ } +/blah/2024-08-13.html + +There oughtta be more trash bins around on the street. I eat my 50 cent Cow +Tail (not the type of Cow Tail that the CIA paid DPRKoreans to cut off their +cows to cause them to be unable to stand up, thereby compromising their food +supply chain, but the Cow Tail that they sell at cheap corner stores - by that +I mean expensive corner stores that sell stuff for a penny that sells at the +Kroger a dozen for a nickel - with the cream filling and the caramel that looks +so good and tastes so bad and gets lodged in your head as looking bad but +tasting good) oh, you forgot what I was talking about because of the long +fucking parenthetical? Good luck with Baudrillard. And I seek to throw it away +and I can never find a place to throw my fucking wrapper. Tonight I held mine +for the fifteen minutes' walk home. O me miseram et cetera sed fuck you I could +have (and should have) littered my little white piece of cellophane out on the +street. You never see garbage out on the street next to garbage bins - it's +almost too much work to throw it next to a bin than into a bin. It peers at you +from the puddle it landed in when you walk by. Wanna "solve" your homeless +problem? "Solve" as in sweep all the unfortunate souls off to some outskirt of +your city so you don't have to look at them on the way to your six figure job +at some corporate firm conspiring with landlords to raise rent prices. Nobody's +gonna wanna sleep on the street next to a garbage can. One every two meters - +bam, fuck the homeless, clean up the streets, yeah yeah cool thanks Bezosito. + +George Carlin playing on the television. Myself playing with my little +keyboard. Now they've put on Voyager. + +What's my religion? I saw a bunch of deer outside walking last night. Nearly +ran into them. I thought they were statues at first; still, silent, elegantly +grazing silhouettes standing in the grass lit by the occasional passing car. +"Hello?" One lifted its head. "Hey." I gave a wide berth as I walked past them +for worry that they had some sort of wasting disease but then I realized one +said hello to me and they were simply some animals doing animal things. For a +good while my Prime Directive was to serve Gaia; to give back to the world, +make it better than it was before my coming. This was, to me, the most logical +goal, or at least one that would serve me decently for the entirety of my life. +There's only so much matter on this planet and, for now, no practical way to +transport more water or carbon or anything else over. Why pollute it? Gaia has +finite capacity for hosting human life - though we aren't close to reaching it. +Why lower that capacity, and make everyone's life worse? Before learning about +the Dharma I still had some sense of Kharma, though my sense was more of a +feeling - treat people poorly, and everyone will be poorer for it. Treat people +as best possible, and everyone will be better for it. Serve Gaia; make the +world a better place. "Gaia" is what the Buddhists call Kharma; the health of +our planet, spiritually, physically. I gave the deer berth and let them go on +about their evening. And they didn't bother me either. + + +/blah/2024-08-11.html + +It's been two years since I updated my Thinkpad X200 Tablet page, probably +because it's been about a year and a half since I started using Raspberry Pis +as my daily drivers. + +Four years since I coined "catfella". Someday it might catch on. + +my wifi antenna doesn't work +i have connection problems +i say hey how are you doing to strangers +no reply + +: cigarette + +i flick my lighter +i flick my lighter +i flick my lighter +i hold the cancer stick in my mouth +and cup my hand around the business end +i flick my lighter +inhale +i hope the entire end is burning +so it doesn't canoe +it doesn't canoe +inhale +open my mouth a little more to draw oxygen too +deep into my lungs +my ears start ringing +i can feel my blood pressure spike +head swims +i see stars, i'm so light-headed +inhale +from the pleasure end +i feel so calm +my body is anything but calm +my head hurts +a dull ache +inhale +i check the news, can't read it, put it down +look at the clouds +look at the other clouds +stub now +the cherry's in the filter +i put it out on the bottom of my boot +i smell like it +and everybody with an olfactory nerve knows +i'm cheered up as i go back inside +i feel like shit + +: radio silence + +i called +you didn't answer +i threw myself at the walls +of my cat carrier +i got cuffed in steel +and they were tied to the floor +and i didn't really feel +l'amor +i called +you didn't answer +i heard you were doing fine +i dug into my skin with an x-acto knife +looking for what changed +i dug into the chat logs +looking for what changed +i heard you were doing fine +i called +you didn't answer +my friends figured i did something horrible +i figured i did something horrible +and i started grasping at straws +i cut my hair +i smoked more heavily +i stopped looking both ways +i called +you didn't answer +i called a friend and asked for advice +they said nothing could justify that kind of silence +except- maybe- had i done something horrible +i didn't know +i called them again +they didn't answer +i called +you didn't answer +and because you didn't answer +i didn't have anyone to call +when i was alone at 2 am +holding an x-acto knife to my wrist and thinking +but i thought +i had to know so +i called +you didn't answer +i sent yet another text message +i posted on my blog +i laid awake at night again +i went in early to work again +i left late again +i did everything but kill myself +i called +you answered +i was overjoyed to hear your voice +after all that time +i had decided maybe i could move past the silence +after all that time +maybe you had been really busy +during all that time +when i called +when you answered +you said it was over +and i had mourned it already +had already cried my tears +had but a spark where once a fire burned +in the catacomb cage in my chest +and i said hallelujah + +: equilibrium + +take my box cutter and +take my arm and +box cutter +and move down to my wrist +and go with the flow +cover yourself in it +under me in the bathtub +cold like me +but soon i'll be colder +hot blood works faster than a blanket +to warm your skin +with the heat of my heart +pumping out my coolant +into the thin air +i'm still breathing +so do my neck +kiss it +with the blade +before plunging it +in a carotid +and pulling it out quickly +like you hesitated +but you didn't +so i get pulled out too +and end up +all over you +i would give myself +all of myself +every drop of myself +til i was pale faced and dry +and the hair drew from my tightened skin +and i had triangles in my eyes +if +you would just +hold my head in your hands +look into my wet eyes +still blinking +saccading +focusing +pupils dilating +bloodshot +and just +say +it's going to be okay + +: old playlists + +i want tender love, a Miracle Musical +but i get loveless love, Mindless Self Indulgence +i've wanted something sweet like Guster +but the best i've gotten is short; My Chemical Romance +and then returned to a spectre, haunted - call me Laura Les +i watch the shadows on the streets, a non-passing Susanne Vega +from a diner on the corner blue like Sinatra +and the devil's beating his wife til she dies and then a Creedence Clearwater + Revival +and i listen to my old playlists and Childish Gambino +fuck this is corny + +: said who + +come downstairs and say hello + how are you doing + say something + your answer is?.. + say please + you're welcome + you don't say + then say so + that's what she said + say uncle +please rise for the pledge of allegiance + be quiet +it's not your turn + why would you say that + don't swear + apologize. now + you could say that again + + /blah/2024-08-09.html Last night I got pretty drunk and then smoked a joint and got very high,