From d0527ea349f372158008b1d6a3fe135f59c0506a Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: DTB Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2024 20:05:05 -0600 Subject: [PATCH] 2024-04-18 --- homepage | 127 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 127 insertions(+) diff --git a/homepage b/homepage index 6c824f1..53a32c2 100755 --- a/homepage +++ b/homepage @@ -525,6 +525,131 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */ } +/blah/2024-04-18.html + +First doctor's appointment since 2022 or so, which doesn't seem like a long +time in numbers but feels like a world ago. Last time I had a doctor's +appointment Usagi covered kitchen for me and I left [...] at noon and walked up +Pine Street to the brick and sunshine and sterile interiors to go to the +pediatrician, who was a nurse practitioner (is that how you spell that?) +filling in for Jonathan who had seen me the previous dozen or so years, which +means a lot more when you're 18. This time [...] and [...] are probably in the +kitchen and I'm in a college hospital in a city - was - and got my shit checked +out by a nurse, college student, and nurse practicioner (is that how you spell +that?). + +My friends really want me to see a therapist. So did the nurse practishuhner - +[...] kept me honest when filling out the mental health forms and apparently +they did not indicate such a hot pink sparkly life as I lead. They were also +more concerned about my chronic short- and long-term memory loss than I am, and +recommended Aquaphor for the thing happening on my foot. I got prescribed +patches for estrogen because I want my tits to get even bigger (they are pretty +big right now, and would be described so even on a cis woman) and because I +forget the sublingual tablets fairly often. I also feel worried about brushing +my teeth after holding them under my tongue and never remember to do so before- +hand. I've never been that great at remembering to brush my teeth. + +I was blah-bbing around when I had my last doctor's appointment. Goodness. + +Before today the last time I had any pizza was February 2023 I think, and I +think I had Domino's with [...] and [...] in [...]'s room. When I look back it +all seems so flat, like it happened so fast. But at the time I was amazed at +how slowly time moved. Now time races by me. + +I saw Good Will Hunting today. Cool to hear Elliot Smith (is that who that +was?) in the flick. It made me miss Maine less. The South Boston slums look a +lot like Lewiston. Today a lot of the Coloradan doctors were surprised I came +from Maine. I have a Mehnn accint, jus'sligh'ly, baht it prahbahbly sahnds like +a New Englund accent to the untrained ear. Got a ton of labs done. Estrogen, +testosterone, blood sugar, other shit I forgot to read. They laid me down so I +didn't pass out like that other time where I came to thinking I was in Five +Nights at Freddy's. I accidentally fasted for it because I was on a low-carb +diet and didn't know what to eat and so had nothing to eat - I quit, today, at +Marco's when we got two large pizzas and three free fountain drinks and I drank +a Dr. Pepper, a Mug root beer, and a half-and-half of both just to see what it +would taste like. + +The nurse practishinner really wanted me to take a psyche eval. I said I was +probably fine and probably wasn't depressed or anxious. [...] gave them a funny +look while I said it. + +Last night I said some things to my friends that felt mean, and I wish I +didn't. They said it seemed pretty normal to them which is what feels +especially bad. For the first time in a good while I don't have any particular +urge to get high. + +My blood pressure was good, weight is 192lbs, height is 72.5in with sandals on. +My Maine state ID issued 2022-09-19 said my weight was 215lbs so that's 20lbs +in 1.5 years. Maybe in five years I'll feel comfortable going to the beach. The +only time I've ever felt comfortable in the water is when [...] and I went +skinny dipping at night in Winthrop. + +Boston is to New England what Colorado Springs is to Colorado. But Denver has +more notable adjacent towns like Aurora; Boston has Worcester (with the world's +shittiest Burger King) and Reading (with the world's biggest pricks). I'm not +sure what Colorado Springs has near it. + +I wonder if I have any STDs or STIs or diabetes or anything. I'm scared +shitless of HIV or diabetes. I was roommates with a guy with HIV and he was +cool and took his precautions and had no problem talking about what it was like +with me, though society is unkind to those who are HIV+ and he wouldn't talk +about it with just anyone. And plenty of people have diabetes and ration +insulin and die so I guess I have that to look forward to if that happens. But +these lifelong illnesses aren't death sentences anymore, especially for people +with Medicaid, so I'll be alright either way hopefully. Diana was right - give +your HIV+ friend a hug. + +Can you believe I can write all this shit and can't get myself to work on the +book I'm writing? + + +/blah/2024-04-17.html + +Trip is cancelled. [...] vetoed it for the following reasons: +- LSD conflicts with packages already installed in my system and may result in + instability. +- I have a history of moderate drug abuse; it is hard for me to cope with + things without some substance and I spend little of my time sober. + +I keep thinking about [...]. It's terrifying how many people would be hurt if I +died. I don't want to end my life in bad kharma. + +I disagree with the notion that kharma is retributive; that it seeks to punish +those that deserve it. Kharma is an observation, a description. Kharma is the +realization that intentionally malicious action causes harm both to others and +one's self, an almost Newtonian law for that impossible-to-analyze humanity. + +One time when I was 16 or 17 my parents noticed I had a pimple on my arm and +boxed me into the bathroom and popped it. I broke down sobbing at the +realization that, though they had had almost no positive contribution to my +life and I barely even knew them as people, having been raised mostly by my +grandparents and 4chan/b/, I still hadn't earned my bodily autonomy from them, +and truly there was nothing I could do to get away from them without attracting +the police or whoever else they would call to come looking for me until I +turned 18. I was almost like their housecat, more a housecat than a kid. The +conditions of the household deteriorated over the course of my childhood. Their +cat, Gator, stopped eating and apparently went into shock after my parents kept +yelling at him and spritzing him with a water bottle. He was their stand-in +after I went numb to their yelling at me. I sort of envy people whose parents +were nice to them, though I don't spread the bad kharma. When I'm high and +people tell me about how their parents did something loving for them sometimes +I just break the fuck down. + +In the (literal) closet with the morning sun starting to trickle in after +another night of sleeplessness when we were 15 or 16 Usagi and I messaged over +Instagram. I don't have the stubs anymore so here's a recollection. +[U]: Have you ever noticed people with adverse experiences are the most likely + to turn out LGBT+? +[3]: Yeah but I've never really thought about why. +[U]: There's the neocon view that getting your shit fucked up causes your brain + to be fucked up. But I think it's just because it's harder to lie to + yourself when you're in a really bad place. You have to be honest with + yourself or you won't make it out of there. + +I came out to them as trans either a little bit before or a little bit after +that. + + /blah/2024-04-15.html Cyberpunk diet is low carb and high protein. I pray to Snoop Dogg that I may be @@ -10729,6 +10854,8 @@ WIDTH="88px" /blah/Prefix verbatim +< < +> &rt;