diff --git a/homepage/blog b/homepage/blog index cf9b1bd..61bcb0b 100755 --- a/homepage/blog +++ b/homepage/blog @@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ set -ex mkdir -p blah cd blah -sed '1,/^exit 0$/d'<../"$0" | python -c "import sys +sed '1,/^exit 0$/d'<../"$0" | python3 -c "import sys for day in sys.stdin.read().split('\n\n\n'): with open(day.split('\n')[0],'w') as f: f.write(day)" sed -i 1d *efix; sed -i 1d *ffix; for f in ????-??-??; do #nt worry :) @@ -52,6 +52,1140 @@ corner of the web. +2023-06-25 + +Journal #3, in its entirety +(even noted dates are iffy) +(what remains of it) +--------------------------- + +2023年03月26日? + +This Sharpie is going. Good +thing I keep 4 on me. + +No notebooks like this in +yellow, had to switch to +green. + +~~I wish~~ + +2023年03月27日 + +I sorta wanna [...] +[...]. [...] +[...]. + +ALICE +bivy . blanket? . jacket? +hygeine [sic] . prescriptions +clothes -> +2xTsh Pants? socks! bras? +undies liner hats? poncho +TOWEL walmart? + +This paper bleeds hard. + +~35pgs into Deam Cognavi + +holy shit this paper bleeds + +2023年04月06日 + +I'd write a song about + being in love +but honestly, I've never + had that. +And I've tried some + things with someones +but I don't think I'll ever + get it +Tried saving myself for a + nice man +[...] + [...] +And all my friends are + shacking up +And I can't make the + connections +and there's probably something + wrong up here +because nothing ever sticks +Even when I've actually + been held dear +I myself just feel sick +There's something wrong + in my head +I don't think it's anyone + else +But I don't think it'll + ever end +There will never be anyone + else +And I'm so tired out +and broken down +someone take me out +make me good somehow +oh no + +maybe they think I'm + unobtainable +drummer in a band gave + me his card +would it be weird if I + placed a call +they'll just laugh and say + I went too far + +2023年04月27日 + +[...] has Deam Cognavit +so I can't work on it... + +Coworker as of 26日 + +Hungry a little + +May be vegan +but I'm always +down to fry a pig +Fuck 12 da doy but +for real this time +slash their neck +and drink +their blood + +I ma gine +blood stream ing +down my hand +and to your +mouth. +You drink and +lick your lips +and ask me +for some more. +How +can I give +you all I +have when I +won't have blood +left? +For my self +to bleed and +cry and see +in my eyes +when! +you're! +gone! + +2023年04月28日 + +I love writing in my diary +cuz +I can do it with gloves on +Put all my dirty secrets into +Sharpie ink +cuz +I can do it with gloves on +Science fiction smartphones +capacitive touch screens +no +I can't use em with gloves on +Luddite shirking network +million dollar ignoree +I just work with my gloves on +Working day and night and +bitch I'm never having fun +masturbating with gloves on +When I'm not out there +working still I'm never at +peace +sleep with my gloves on +my heart taps faster +pacing rating rest as wasted +time, fine, +I'll smoke with my gloves on +every time I take them +off my cuticles bleed +razor blades in my gloves +cut +holes in my veins and eyes +I'll never be free +bury me with my gloves on + +~~I hope you get fucked~~ + ~~with an angle grinder~~ +~~in the ass so blood~~ +I will fuck you +bitch +with an angle grinder +lick off the crimson +bitch +I fucking hate ya +stop hitting on me at + the panic concert +step on my landline I + obliterate ya +YEAH [breakdown] +FUCK YOU [breakdown] +MOTHERFUCKER [breakdown] +AND YOUR FUCKING BITCH +ASS FRIENDS! TOO! + +2023年05月22日 + +Ada landed on top of a +stone structure overlooking +a luscious green valley. +She let Jason's body fall +beside her and sat down +to catch her breath. A young +boy dressed in loincloth +approached her. +[...] +[...] +[...] +[...] +[...] +[...] +[...] +[...] +[...] +/// +The friendship I have +with [...] is all I really +wanted from life. Where +do I go from here? Self +improvement and learning +to be a good friend & +human being. + + __.__,__.__|__.__,__.__ +| | | +| | | +| | | +| HH :M M: SS +| /P M +| +| +| + +TRIN [...] +ALICE MOLLE +POWER+SOLAR +RADIO+P +P +PASSPORT PASSPORT +3DS+P 3DS+P +CLOTHES CLOTHES +CHAMOIS CHAMOIS +BANDANNA BANDANNA +PHONE+P +P +FIRST AID +MEDICATION MEDICATION + +you're so soft and I'm + so hard +I drive too fast when I + drive your car + +What I have + +Pine64 Phone 3DS +1xUSBC WiFi 4G USBpwr WiFi +ROMs 4 3DS +no GUI + +Phone +# mpv Nine\ Inch\ Nails& +# for f in *.chd *.gbc +do curl -T "$f" ftp://\ +[...]:5000/\ +media/ && rm "$f" +done +# sleep 10 &&\ +lsblk &&\ +mount /dev/sdb1 mnt &&\ +cp mnt/*.nds ./ &&\ +umount mnt + +SWAP KB for SD and +WAIT for a 4GB xfer... + +ULTIMATE GOAL: +Reinstall Pinephone OS +without data loss + +| Fuck this goddamn +| ad-riddled piece of +| shit Best Buy tablet. + +Take me out to smash + iPads + +[...] + +(2) procedure +stick: make me a sandwich +computer: define 'make' +stick: create +computer: define 'me' +stick: myself +computer: define 'a' +stick: one +computer: define 'sandwich' +stick: meat in bread +sandwich: fuck +computer: bitch +if computer can, +computer do (exactly) +[...] +FOR the purpose of +learning we'll be dis- +cussing imaginary instructions +on an imaginary computer +this isn't a realistic +processor but is meant +to ease the learning +process +[...] +computers speak +in electricity +[...] +a register is a +processor's thoughts +[...] +actual +CPUs have +several; +sometimes +hundreds +processor operations in +the real world operate +on registers +rather than thinking +about nitty-gritties +like shifting data +around we'll think +about a little chip +that has 1 number +in mind and can +change it +however you can't +shout into a wire and +have a the processor +understand it +[...] +so processor instructions +are encoded into numbers +[what?] +every byte we give +it will be a complete +instruction +in the real world this +is more complicated + +MORE MORE MORE + MORE + +in the dark.I bend an +ear to listen to a mentor +I had + for so long feared +MORE MORE MORE + MORE + oats +almonds churning,into +cream, killing me and my +business that I've had for +years + +MORE MORE MORE + MORE + +"never let them spread +their soykaf lies! I DESPISE +those sweaty young'uns' +cares 'bout animal tears" + +MORE MORE MORE + MORE + +my liege, what do you +mean - my +bovine are dying! is +the future not made of beans? + +MORE MORE MORE + MORE + +"you fool, have I not taught +you? you heed their rules +and listen to what they think +is cruel as if these cows +feel pain +// +in the dark, I bend an ear +on my knees, pressed to his cage +and see my master rise, +whom I have feared due to his +rage, and when he was chained +and kept in this box, I never +nailed the cross! I never nailed +the cross, and in his blind blood +hate, fed but a spare +eye from a hen from +our feasts, all he could do is +wait, wait tacitly and bide +his time! +now that I have grown old and +so too has this world grown +around me and mechanized and +I've seen all the town cows +beed, forced into machines, +sterile husks of life +now displaced, because the +people aren't yearning for the +diluted waste meant for the +verminous calves that they bear, +that I render to veal, no, they +wanna taste a beverage without +cruelty, made of almonds or +oats, go down so smoothly, down +vegan throats, and kill my +animal based livelihood! +// +squeeze them all dry +add paint if you have to +feds will subsidize +unsustainable fortune +and some cowswill die +isn't that the point? +riddled with disease +sold at a burger joint +price out all the rest +make waste if you have to +flood the milk market +listen to the pained moo + +and when the milk spoils +dump it into the sea +oceanic dairy stew +can you hear the pained + MOO?---- +----------------------- +'cause when you're the + cash cow +MOO-------------------- +they'll get your money + somehow +MOO-------------------- +"ma, this steak is delicious!" +MOO-------------------- +"it was on sale!" + +the sands of time +bury all the decade's + memories +I miss the good + water pressure +and when the air was + clean + +6/8 +the sands of time that wash +the lime from dirty hulls +of ships that cross the sea +to see my curs-ed past +Romanian dirty plots +of ash but in my youth + +the +sands of time that wash the +lime from dirty hulls of +ships|that cross the sea to see +my| rotten past Romanian dirty +plots of ash but in my youth +we picked the grass for elden coin +and when we found a golden crown +we got to ask about the ground +on which we lived and hear a tale +of ancient brass who fought the dark +impaler crew who sought +to make the world anew + +bummed a joint off + a bartender +not much better than + a beer +but + he's to whom I + write love letters +anonymously but it + still helps with + the pain +of going home, sleeping, + and coming back + to work again! +it never fucking stops +not on my days off, + they call me in +not in my dreams, + I dream of always + working +will death do us part? +part ways with + purgatory +this nightmare bland + air putrid stagnant + episode-filler + story + +you better tell our + kids you love them, +dear +'cuz you know I sure +|->as hell won't +you can try to dial + my hotel room +but my date won't pick + up the phone + +my life +is different now +won't bake. you. pie +I've left the house +treat me right +you don't know how +so I jammed a knife +into the couch +seams ripped +stuffing's out +and she stained the + bed +the sun is down +you better find a spot +on the floor +'cuz there's nowhere + else for you to sleep + now +and I cry, so hard +into a burlier man +met him at the bar +knew how to move + his hands +I think you slowly + faded +leaned on my branch + until I snapped +I think I was real + patient +but I feel used +and I'm not gonna +fuck around +except literally +beat me down +did you hear me + grinding my teeth? + +existential exhaustion +[picture of astral projection] +[picture of body-death] +[picture of] +the world is black and + white +or I might be post joy +this comedown is a bitch +or I'm just paranoid +the end of the movie + and credits are + rolling but I'm so + damn cozy in + this chair I unfolded + and yours is in its + bag and your foot + taps the dirt but I + paid for the drive in + I'll get my money's + worth +you thought I'd have + quit you and I thought + I could but next time + I was with you I + thought you looked so good + in my grandma's + sweater after you put + up the hood but + you've got impatient + hoping I won't wanna + stay we're going to + all the movies in case + I leave the states + she doesn't know + that I know that + the motive is desperate + but she doesn't know + that in fact I so value this friendship + so I'll play this + chicken and collide at + a closeness I don't + wanna kiss you I'm just + worried it's hopeless + to try to preserve my + only human connection + +the end of the movie +and credits are rolling +but I'm so damn cozy +in this chair I unfolded +you step onto the earth +jumping out of the car +but I'd like my money's + worth +because you drove so damn + far +you thought I'd get bored +before the second act + +it's so nice spending + time with you +I wish it could be forever +but I'm chronically abrasive +and you're too soft for + sandpaper + +and you think I wanna + leave +but I wish you would + first +god, don't get attached + to me +because the ending will + hurt + +it's the end of the movie +and the credits are + scrolling +but I'm still so cozy +in this chair I unfolded +your boots strike the earth +as you jump out the car +but I'd like my + money's worth +'cuz you drove so damn + far +they always get bored + here +around the second act +not me, I've been + enjoying +the atmosphere and popcorn + bag +will we survive our +respective selves' self + sabotage? +I feel a little tired +I promise it's not your + fault + +and it's so nice +to get to spend time + with you +I wish it could be + forever +but everyone's always + gotta move + +post joy, it's black and white +over, credits scrolling, now + enter the rest of the + night +maybe I'm on a comedown, + I think, jumping from + the car +my boots touch the + earth, I paid the gas + but you drove far +you're not from around + here. I'll tie my + lace by your phone + light + +grind my bones until + I break +at which point I'll + grab another roll + of duct tape +and if I die to yester- + day +good riddance; farewell, + aufviedersein [sic] + +the only good cop is + a dead cop +on pigs' graves flowers + bloom +and a white wife cries +at the murder site +the blood spilled + wasn't blue +and when he spit + on the homeless +was that the service + we were due? +because insecurities + manifest +when you give + them power; + 1 3 1 2 + +astroturf the burial plot +politicized unrest +marxists killed all + the good cops +that's why there aren't + any left +and marijuana's still + a crime +in places, if you're + trans so is your life +so many people in + the shadows +if you wanna be + equal you'll have to + fight + +Jacob's recently- +killed corpse lay on +the temple +among Ada's equipment, +unattended. Its sillhouette [sic] +called to a child of the +village who scampered +to the tower and started +rummaging through +Ada's bag's contents in +company of the body. + They selected a +device resembling a +helmet and put it +on Jacob's head, toggling +switches on the +visor at random. It +glowed blue and Jacob +started convulsing. +[drawing of lava lamp] +[drawing of broken lava lamp] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +[drawing of eye] +I need to take my +meds + +[undated; 2023年06月01日 - the day I got my wisdom teeth out] + +im hiiiiiiiigh :3 + +[...] PHARMACY +[...] +[...] + +I AM SAYING +I LOVE U A LOT +SORRY IF IT +MAKES U +UNCOMFORTABLE + +I CARE ABOUT +UR WELL BEING +& WANT 2 GIVE +U THE SPACE ++ SECURITY U NEED +TO BE WELL. IF +I'M WACK LET +ME KNOW. U R +SO COOL + +IM BLEEDING A +LOT... +[...] + +HELLO I'M [...] +[...] (DOB: +[...]) HERE +2 PICK UP A PRESCRIPTION +:) GOT MY +WISDOM +TEETH +OUT! +THANK U +SO MUCH! +U ROCK + +TRINITY + +YOU RULE + +TYLENOL + (ACETAMINOPHEN) + - TREATS + INFLAMMATION + + HELPS + PAIN +KETROLAC +^ SUPER STRONG +| IBUPROFEN +| +NSAID + +2023年06月04日 + +59 hours since I got my +wisdom teeth out. Jesus +fuck. This hurts pretty bad. +Like it's been 1 hour or +so since getting kicked in +the jaw by a lumberman. +Or 2 hours since having my +headforcefully removed from +the intended destination of +a large automobile. Got. +It hurts to hell. I'm too +stubborn to take my +medication because I risk +liver damage according to +German authorities whom I +trust more than weak +spined americans. + +I don't feel well mentally +either. My friend M-- is +out for the evening so +there will be no solace or +sympathy, no other bearer +of my pain. When pain is, +shared, I feel, it's diminished, +dissolved in a sea of hugs and +well wishes like salt into +water I have to swish in +my mouth thrice or so a day, +maybe more- it's said to +promote healing, so compared +to whatever frequency is +suggested surely I do more. + +Ice helps but the shitty +ice packs given to me by +the oral surgeon don't freeze +in my shitty minifridge. I've +been offered +marijuana and alcohol by my +other roommates but I +partake in marijuana no longer +since March and have never +been much a fan of the fire water. +So much fire in my mouth +already. The flames lick +my eyes, my lips, consume +me in misery. They already +hurt before their removal, +now that I try to free myself +from the pain, they exact their +revenge. + +I won't call M-- - she's having +fun and hasn't had any the +past three days looking out for +me. I'm so thankful for her +aid and friendship. She, singularly, +is my solace. I am so afraid +to lose her. I have ruined +every friendship with my +horrible medley of softness or +abrasion, always choosing the +worst tool, smothering or +slicing. M-- has me eating well, +acting well, socializing well, +and I think I can be a good +friend through everything. +As long as I am true to +myself and M--, I will be. + +2023年06月06日 + +Ready or not, work, +here I come! + +void in my mouth +see to my bone +see how I hurt +void now I'm out +please let me out +please fix my jaw +god fix me please +grant me release +grant me release + +[drawing of dry socket] +[drawing of dissociation] + +you can't put this + fox in a box +I won't suck on + your cock +out of every single + cage +I will run run run + run run run run +I can't recognize + faces +except when I'm + wrong +I don't feel human +or like I belong +anywhere anywhere +anywhere anywhere +anywhere anywhere +anywhere anywhere + +the pain never ends +no matter how loud I + scream +the black cavern inside + me +stub foot made of gangrene +I'm rotting, I'm rotten +I wish I was dead again +you say how little I'm + worth +you took me out of this + earth +out of this out of this +out of this out of this +out of this out of this +out of this out of this + +can you kill me +cuz I want you to +the dead have risen +I want back in my tomb + +I awoke in the mud +to a cackling howl +skin decomposed, clotted + blood +in this pit under the moon +your spade made a \[thud\] +you held my skull in your arms +my blackened eyes shone +will you be my Frankensteined + groom + +I never felt human +or like I belonged +could only recognize faces +when I was wrong +my heartbeat tortured me +ticket allthe time I was + suffering +when I poisoned myself +there was no one to comfort me +now you put this fox in a new + box +so I can suck on your cock +and feed me dog food +tell me when to bark +how can I complain? +this environment is quite + hospitable + +I: Sand + +Our tongues lay dry as + we woke up +No water, and the house + had no tap +I walked to the town + square + +[...] 06-18 free + + tom 1700 [...] + +I spend all day at work +walking on the dead that + I've dropped +and all night in the forest +among the life that springs + up. +Hamburger's cooked hundred + fifty or so +the forest is sixty. Less + and I'm cold. +the day I'd like to make + it to next +is living for a living, so + I can live 'fore I'm old + +SPENDING 2023-06-15 + +$386 +$200 savings +$80 bill +$40 batteries +$10 VPN + +[undated; likely 2023-06-17] + +SNAKE OIL + +None +"hello" + "5" + / \ + / 5 \ + / ^ \ + / | \ + / | \ + |/_ / \ _\| +eval("5") int("5") + +"import os; os.system('destroy everything')" + +[undated; likely 2023-06-18] + +Spending the day with [...]. +We were at [...] & [...]'s dorm +'till 1300 - it was quite +pleasant! Image macros printed +in gray adorned the bathroom +walls and soft toilet paper +greeted me when I used +their restroom, the focal +point of any living area. +The rest of the dorm was +also beautiful, I was just +really impressed at the +quality of the college +bathroom. Tomorrow's +Juneteenth, the anniversary +of the abolition of slavery +in the United States of America. + +The last year was a little +wild but lead to now, the +first time in my life +where I really feel +happily content. I'm living +with [...] and my co-workers +[...] and [...] in a slum +in a less kind area +of a notoriously unkind +city in the alien state +of [...]. Where there is +no kindness, however, there +is honesty - truth in how +people live and labor. +The darkness occurs in +daylight and the grit in +air. Less secrecy, less + +[the top of the page was torn] +[...] at the [tear] +named [...] +where I have ordered +pizza. I expected a +pizzeria experience and +now find myself in a +gourmet restuarant with +my backpack that, when +held closely, faintly +smells of cat piss and +my jacket that, when +held closely, overtly +reeks of musky sunny +day sweat. + +[...] is probably gonna join +me after her cigarette and +coffee at the gas station +down the street, then +have some pizza if she so +chooses, and then we'll +walk around this downtown +and potentially visit the +art museum. A peaceful +weekend. I look forward +to all of this and a +scenic bus home and +walk to the apartment +and my soft, overpriced +sleeping bag and my +Ikea-brand plush +shark. + +But right now on my +mind pacing is my pizza. +I am ravenously hungry, +made ravenous by the +[this is when the pizza arrived] + +[...] +[...] +Skateboard +$10 + +Winslow Homer +Evening + +[undated; likely 2023-06-19] + +my snot is neon but I kinda + like it +looks like alien jism +saw a doctor but he didn't + know what +to do about my condition +maybe I should just +blow it out +snot's yellow just like + cheese from a cow +(moo) +my neighbor's purple, I kinda + like him +looks like Barney the dino +he killed a squirrel +and then ate it + +[undated; likely 2023-06-22] + +[[...]'s handwriting:] +[...]'S +BIRTHDAY +@ 24:30 +GET MUFFIN ++ CANDELS +@ CUMBIES +$ ? [/:] +TRIN +(it's on me) :) +candles idk +muffin [check] +want me to +go _right_ +_now_? + + 2023-03-07 2022-09-28