#!/bin/sh
#llllmmmm11234567892123456789312345678941234567895123456789612345678971234567890
# vim: syntax=:ts=8
set -ex
<"$0" python3 -c '
import os, sys
class File:
	attributes = []; content = ""; substitutions = dict()
	figurative = True; stub = True
	def addattribute(self, *args):
		for a in args: # sloppy but works
			if a == "stub":          	self.stub = True
			elif a == "verbatim":    	self.stub = False
			elif a == "figuratively":	self.figurative = True
			elif a == "literally":   	self.figurative = False
	def __init__(self, **kwargs):
		for key in kwargs:
			if key == "attributes":	self.addattribute(*kwargs[key])
			else:	setattr(self, key, kwargs[key])
files = dict()
for part in reversed(sys.stdin.read().split("\n\n\n")):
	name = "." + part.split("\n")[0]
	if "\t" in "." + name:
		attributes = name.split("\t")[1].split(",")
		name = name.split("\t")[0]
	else:	attributes = []
	if len(name) <= 1 or name[1] != "/" or "ignore" in attributes:
		continue
	content = part.split("\n\n")[0].split("\n")
	substitutions = dict()
	if(len(content) > 1):
		for s in content[1:]:
			s = s.split("\t")
			if len(s) == 2: substitutions[s[0]] = s[1]
	mode = "replace"
	for attribute in attributes:
		if attribute in ["append", "replace"]:
			mode = attribute
	attributes = list(set(attributes) ^ {"append", "replace"})
	content = part[len("\n".join(content))+2:]
	file = File(attributes = attributes, content = content + "\n",
		substitutions = substitutions)
	if mode == "append":
		if not(name in files):
			sys.stderr.write(sys.argv[0] + ": " + name + ": "
				+ "appending to nothing\n")
		else:
			file.content = files[name].content + file.content
	files[name] = file
for name in files:
	if files[name].stub:
		p = ""; s = ""; d = name
		while True:
			d = os.path.dirname(d)
			if (p == ""
					and os.path.join(d, "Prefix")
						in files.keys()):
				p = files[os.path.join(d, "Prefix")].content
			if (s == ""
					and os.path.join(d, "Suffix")
						in files.keys()):
				s = files[os.path.join(d, "Suffix")].content
			if d == "." or (not(p == "") and not(s == "")):
				break
		files[name].content = p + files[name].content + s
	if files[name].figurative:
		content = files[name].content
		for s in files[name].substitutions:
			instances = []
			i = 0
			while True:
				instance = content.find(s, i)
				if instance == -1:	break
				instances += [instance]
				i = instance + len(s)
			if len(instances) == 0:	continue
			for i in reversed(instances):
				content = (content[:i]
					+ files[name].substitutions[s]
					+ content[i+len(s):])
		files[name].content = content
	# TODO error checking
	if not(os.path.isdir(os.path.dirname(name))):
		os.makedirs(os.path.dirname(name))
	with open(name, "w") as fd:	fd.write(files[name].content)
d = ""; bucket = "#!/bin/sh\n"
for name in files:
	d = name
	while True:
		if os.path.dirname(d) == ".":
			mop = ("rm "
				+ "-r " * os.path.isdir(d)
				+ name # yeah this sucks
				+ "\n"
			)
			if not(mop in bucket):	bucket += mop
			break
		else:
			d = os.path.dirname(d)
if len(bucket.split("\n")) > 2:
	with open("./cleanup.sh", "w") as fd:
		fd.write(bucket)
'
test -x homepage.local \
	&& exec ./homepage.local \
	|| test -e homepage.local \
		&& exec sh ./homepage.local \
	|| exit 0


/CNAME	verbatim

www.trinity.moe


/BANNER.txt	verbatim

  /\  |/||\|| _\|||\ |||||/||\|\\//  |\  /|/ \||\|
 /  \   ||  || /|||\\||||  ||   ||   ||\/|| | ||>
/____\ _||__||\\||||\\|||__||_ _||_()||\/||\_/||/|


/license.html

<P>Except where noted, www.trinity.moe is available under the Blue Oak Model
License 1.0.0 as defined below.</P>
<PRE>
Blue Oak Model License, Version 1.0.0

Purpose
	This license gives everyone as much permission to work with this
software as possible, while protecting contributors from liability.

Acceptance
	In order to receive this license, you must agree to its rules. The
rules of this license are both obligations under that agreement and conditions
to your license. You must not do anything with this software that triggers a
rule that you cannot or will not follow.

Copyright
	Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
would otherwise infringe that contributor's copyright in it.

Notices
	You must ensure that everyone who gets a copy of any part of this
software from you, with or without changes, also gets the text of this license
or a link to <https://blueoakcouncil.org/license/1.0.0>.

Excuse
	If anyone notifies you in writing that you have not complied with the
Notices, you can keep your license by taking all practical steps to comply
within 30 days after the notice.  If you do not do so, your license ends
immediately.

Patent
	Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
would otherwise infringe any patent claims they can license or become able to
license.

Reliability
	No contributor can revoke this license.

No Liability
	As far as the law allows, this software comes as is, without any
warranty or condition, and no contributor will be liable to anyone for any
damages related to this software or this license, under any kind of legal
claim.
</PRE>


/homepage.html
$!TITLE	&quot;homepage&quot; documentation
$!DESCRIPTION	one file, one website

<H1>&quot;homepage&quot; documentation</H1>
<H2>the forest</H2>
<P>
homepage is a single-file static site generator written in UNIX sh(1) shell
script, the goal being to contain a website with heirarchical page
organization within a single file that can be run to extract it out to the
filesystem, almost like a self-extracting UNIX tape archive that documents its
own layout in a UTF-8 script closer to English.
</P>
<H2>trees</H2>
<H3>files</H3>
<P>
To add a file to your homepage, append three newlines ('\n', or the
Enter/Return key on your keyboard) to the end of the homepage file, followed
by the path of the file to add. A homepage file path starts with a slash ('/')
and is followed by the path to the file relative to the prefix directory (the
directory containing homepage). A file path that starts with a hash ('#') is
discarded. For all non-slash- non-hash- prefixed file paths, the behavior of
homepage is undefined.
</P>
<H4>file attributes</H4>
<P>
On the same line as the file path, if, after the path, a tab ('\t') is
present, the substring following the first tab in the line and spanning to
and excluding the next tab or newline describes the attributes of the file as
it is exported to the file system. These file attributes are delimited by
commas (',') and there's no limit to the amount of attributes a file can
have, though in the event of conflicting attributes the later attribute
"wins" the conflict.
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>attribute</TH>     <TH>default?</TH><TH>action</TH></TR>
<TR><TD>"figuratively"</TD><TD>yes</TD>
	<TD>Indicates the file should be subject to macro expansion.</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>"ignore"</TD>      <TD>no</TD>      <TD>Ignore the current entry.</TD>
</TR>
<TR><TD>"literally"</TD>   <TD>no</TD>
	<TD>Opposite of "figuratively".</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>"stub"</TD>        <TD>yes</TD>
	<TD>Indicates the file should be exported to the filesystem with the
		appropriate Prefix and Suffix files prepended or appended.</TD>
</TR>
<TR><TD>"verbatim"</TD>    <TD>no</TD>      <TD>Opposite of "stub".</TD></TR>
</TABLE>


/x200t/index.html
$!TITLE Thinkpad X200 Tablet

<SCRIPT TYPE="application/javascript">//<!--
window.onload = window.initializesheets;
//--></SCRIPT>
<H1>Thinkpad X200 Tablet</H1>
<H3>updated 2022-08-11</H3>
<HR ALIGN="left" SIZE="1" WIDTH="25%" />
<P>Contents</P>
<UL>
	<LI><A HREF="#seealso"    >See also</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#camera"     >Integrated camera</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#drive"      >SATA drive</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#drivecaddy" >Drive caddy</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#memory"     >Memory</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#screws"     >Screws</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#software"   >Software</A></LI>
	<LI><A HREF="#stylus"     >Stylus</A></LI>
</UL>
<P ID="seealso">See also</P><UL>
	<LI><A HREF="https://wiki.archlinux.org/title/Lenovo_ThinkPad_X200">Lenovo Thinkpad X200</A> (Arch Wiki)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Thinkpad X200 Tablet and X201 Tablet Hardware Maintenance Manual (fifth edition)</A> (<A HREF="https://web.archive.org/web/20210203043936/https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Archive link</A>)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://linux-hardware.org/?view=computers&model=ThinkPad+X200+Tablet+(All)">Thinkpad X200 Tablet (All)</A> (Linux Hardware Database)</LI>
	<LI><A HREF="https://www.thinkwiki.org/wiki/Category:X200_Tablet">X200 Tablet Overview</A> (Thinkwiki)</LI>
</UL>
<H2 ID="camera">Integrated camera</H2>
<P>
This is FRU 2060 in the hardware maintenance manual.
</P>
<P>
Some models have the camera, some don't.
It will be in the middle of the top of the screen bezel (looking at the screen with the <I>lenovo</I> logo oriented normally); some have a black plastic trapezoidal cover, some have the camera option.
Camera kits are available on-line for the X200 Tablet for around US$15 or so at time of writing.
</P>
<H2 ID="drive">SATA drive</H2>
<P>As far as I know, any 2.5" SATA laptop-sized drive will work.</P>
<P>
To replace the drive, locate the drive cover between the stylus holder and RJ-11 modem port on the right side of the laptop.
Unscrew the screw holding in the cover, to which the hard drive icon on the bottom of the laptop under the stylus holder is pointing.
Lift out the cover and there the drive will be exposed.
</P>
<H2 ID="drivecaddy">Hard drive caddy</H2>
<P>
Most of the eBay listings for X200 Tablets don't have hard drive covers or caddies.
You will want a caddy because it makes it much easier to get a drive out, and because it spaces out the drive in the space provided and provides some (minimal) amount of shock protection.
This is especially good for hard disks as you don't want those moving around in your laptop chassis, even if there's no risk of them being disconnected.
</P>
<P>
In a <I>pinch</I> you can use cardboard to space out a drive.
I made out okay using folded cardstock given that my X200 Tablet was going nowhere except my desk.
You should <I>not</I> do this for long periods, not really because there's some risk that increases as time wears on but just because in general it's stupid.
</P>
<P>
The same rubber rails that go around the hard drive, and the same metal thing that you screw onto the drive that has the black ribbon attached used to pull the drive out, are used for the X200, X200S, X200 Tablet, X201, X201S, X201 Tablet, T420, T420S, T430, and T430S, as far as I know.
Rubber rails for the X220 Tablet did not work, nor did the bay cover for the X220 Tablet work for the X200 Tablet.
</P>
<H2 ID="memory">Memory</H2>
<P>
This is FRU 1040 DIMM in the hardware maintenance manual.
The system memory modules and the access panel <I>only</I> have to be removed if the modules specifically are being replaced or if the system mainboard is getting replaced.
</P>
<P>
<A HREF="https://thinkpads.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=43&t=113310">RealBlackStuff says</A>
the X200 Tablet is compatible with <CODE>DDR3-1066 (PC3-8500)</CODE> and <CODE>DDR3-1333 (PC3-10600)</CODE>.
It's possible to have 8GB memory installed.
<A HREF="https://www.ebay.com/usr/laptopused">eBay seller laptopused</A> correlates that <CODE>DDR3-1333</CODE> dual-rank memory should work.
Apparently for technical reasons the X200 Tablet must take 2Rx8 memory; two ranks of eight chips, and for 8GB memory, 256MB per chip (divide 8192MB by 2 modules * 2 ranks * 8 chips).
</P>
<P>
OEM-configured laptops can have <CODE>DDR3-1066</CODE> memory from Elpida or Samsung.
<A HREF="https://www.laptopmag.com/reviews/laptops/lenovo-thinkpad-x200-tablet">Laptop Mag says</A> the laptop came with 2GB RAM by default and is upgradeable to 4GB but most laptops for sale secondhand have 4GB memory installed.
Types 7449-43U and 7450-EYU came with 2x2GB <CODE>DDR3-1066 SO-DIMM (PC3-8500)</CODE>.
</P>
<P>
I got in touch with eBay seller <A HREF="https://ebay.com/seller?sid=woosterpsu">woosterpsu</A> who was auctioning off an X200 Tablet to benefit the Electronic Frontier Foundation with 8GB RAM installed and reported in the BIOS.
The seller sent me an image of the installed memory: a Hynix 4GB 2Rx8 PC3-10600S and a Dell P/N SNPX830DC/4G, both scavenged from other laptops.
These are <I>confirmed working</I> in a Core2 Duo L9400 X200 Tablet.
</P>
<H2 ID="screws">Screws</H2>
<P>
Per the hardware maintenance manual (page 225), the following screws are necessary for full assembly of the X200 Tablet:
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>Quantity</TH> <TH>Head</TH> <TH>Length</TH> <TH>Style</TH>                  <TH>Color</TH> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M1.6</TD> <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>2.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>11</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Flat head</TD>              <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>18</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3.5mm</TD>  <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>3</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>13</TD>       <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Stud (height=4.2mm)</TD>    <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M2</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Stud (height=5.5mm)</TD>    <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>6</TD>        <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>6mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>9</TD>        <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>8mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head</TD>             <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD>        <TD>M3</TD>   <TD>3mm</TD>    <TD>Wafer head (HDD screw)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
</TABLE>
<P>
Additionally listed are 9 circular screw caps and 6 square screw caps.
</P>
<P>
Two screw kits are listed with part numbers <CODE>45N3139</CODE> and <CODE>60Y4164</CODE>.
The difference is that <CODE>45N3139</CODE> has one more M2x3.5mm silver wafer head screw listed (18 versus 17).
<CODE>45N3139</CODE>'s contents in particular are reflected in the table above.
</P>
<P>On page 79 of the hardware maintenance manual some very rarely-noted screw notices are listed that are worth repeating, though it's up to the maintainer to follow the practices they so choose:</P>
<UL>
	<LI>Always use new screws. (This is repeated earlier in the page; according to the manual, ThinkPad Notebooks have "special nylon-coated screws" that should be used only once.)</LI>
	<LI>Use a torque screwdriver if you have one.</LI>
	<LI>When tightening plastic against plastic, turn an additional 90 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
	<LI>When tightening logic cards against plastic, turn an additional 180 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
	<LI>If you have a torque driver, refer to the "Torque" column for each step.</LI>
	<LI>
Make sure that you use the correct screw.
If you have a torque screwdriver, tighten all screws firmly to the torque shown in the table.
<B>Never use a screw that you removed. Use a new one. Make sure that all of the screws are tightened firmly.</B>
	</LI>
</UL>
<H2 ID="software">Software</H2>
<P>
For some procedures in the hardware maintenance manual a ThinkPad Hardware Maintenance Diskette is needed.
This was available only to licensed dealers.
</P>
<P>
Here's a chart of executable names relevant to the X200 Tablet as provided from Lenovo and their product names.
A lot of this is sourced from hearsay and olden lore so it may not be fully accurate, and definitely isn't complete.
Also, I trimmed down redundant sections of product names - for example, <CODE>7wuj45uc.iso</CODE> is actually <I>BIOS Update Bootable CD <B>for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP - ThinkPad</B></I> but if it's bootable itself operating system compatibility likely doesn't matter.
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>Executable</TH>   <TH>Product name</TH>                                      <TH>Version</TH>     </TR>
<TR><TD>6itr02ww.zip</TD> <TD>BIOS Settings Capture/Playback Utility</TD>            <TD>4.01</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>7wuj45uc.iso</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Bootable CD</TD>                           <TD>3.21</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>7wuj45u6.exe</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Utility for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>3.21</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>6ea118ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Driver for Windows Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>4.92.15.0 / 3.64.15.0</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>6ea160ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Software for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit)</TD> <TD>4.92.12.0</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>maint150.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.50</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>maint160.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.60</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>maint169.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.69</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm23us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.75</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm25us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.77</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm37us.exe</TD> <TD>Unknown</TD>                                           <TD>Unknown</TD>     </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm38us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD>  <TD>1.89</TD>        </TR>
<TR><TD>83ts04ww.exe</TD> <TD>ThinkPad BIOS Settings for Windows 7 (32-bit), Vista (32-bit), XP, 2000</TD> <TD>3.03</TD></TR>
</TABLE>
<P>
Lenovo's X200 Tablet downloads won't last forever.
Here's a JavaScript that allows a user to download arbitrary executables from Lenovo's download servers.
</P>
<INPUT ID="executable" VALUE="i7tm38us.exe" />
<INPUT ONCLICK="window.location.href = 'http://download.lenovo.com/ibmdl/pub/pc/pccbbs/mobiles/' + document.getElementById('executable').value;" TYPE="button" VALUE="Download" />
<P>The following operating systems were available pre-installed by the OEM, depending on the variant:</P>
<UL>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows XP Tablet (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (64 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate (32 bit</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Basic (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (64 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (32 bit)</LI>
	<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (64 bit)</LI>
</UL>
<P>9front system usage is described in the <A HREF="http://fqa.9front.org/fqa3.html#3.2.5.2.1">9front FQA, section 3.2.5.2.1</A>.</P>
<P>Linux system usage is described in detail on the <A HREF="#seealso">Arch GNU+Linux wiki</A> - any Linux or UNIX specific knowledge I have I add to the Arch wiki rather than putting on this page.</P>
<H2 ID="stylus">Stylus</H2>
<P>
The X200 Tablet originally came with a single-button stylus with a gray "eraser".
I found some single-button stylus from eBay, with a red "eraser", and that worked too.
I have a two-button stylus that came with another X200 Tablet but it's as of yet untested.
The Fujitsu T-5000 digitizer pen does work, identically according to <CODE>xev(1)</CODE>.
</P>
<P>
<B>Do not</B> try to insert two-button Thinkpad styluses into the stylus holder of the X200 Tablet as they'll become stuck in there because of how the buttons are shaped.
To remove a stuck stylus the digitizer pen case (part number <CODE>45N3146</CODE>) must be unscrewed and removed from the chassis.
Following the hardware maintenance manual, remove FRUs "1020 Battery pack" and "1060 Keyboard" and follow steps 6 and 7 of the removal process of FRU "1180 DC-in connector, fan, digitizer pen case, and pen switch assembly".
No other FRUs need to be removed, nor do any other steps of the removal process of FRU 1180 need to be followed.
</P>


/hacker-howto/index.html
$!TITLE	How to Become A Hacker

<H2>How to Become A Hacker</H2>
<H3>Deven Trinity Blake</H3>
<P><CODE>&lt;<A HREF="mailto:trinity@trinity.moe">trinity@trinity.moe</A>&gt;</CODE></P>
<P>No Copyright 🄯 2021 Deven T. Blake</P>
<HR />

<H2>Why This Document?</H2>
<P>
A lot of hackers consider Eric S. Raymond's original <A HREF="http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/hacker-howto.html"><I>How to Become A Hacker</I></A> to be definitive, for good reason.
It explains the "hacker philosophy", some key things at which one should be good, and is a good compass that points to What to Learn Next.
I myself stumbled upon the document maybe a decade or so ago, when I was a small impressionable child, and know half of what I do because of where it pointed me.
I think, however, that <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> is a bit dated, so I'm writing this to be a nice complementary piece for those to read <B>after they read esr's original</B>.
</P>
<P>
If you are reading a snapshot of this document offline, the current version lives at <A HREF="http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto">http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto</A>.
</P>

<H2>Basic Hacking Skills</H2>
<H3>1. Learn how to program</H3>
<P>
Python is an okay first language as long as you don't take it too seriously.
As said by smarter people than me, Python is a glue language.
It's slow and a bit basic, but its errors are often easy to solve, so do as much as you can with Python and Python libraries, and do the rest in faster languages.
</P>
<P>
Never touch Java.
Not even once.
While at one point it was promising, it's become a monstrous beast and it must be slain through attrition.
</P>
<P>
When you are good at programming you will think <I>outside</I> of programming languages.
Programming languages are tools for a job.
Some are better suited to some tasks than others.
For example, I would use C as a language for building utilities for myself, as I want them to be blisteringly fast and I know that's easier to do in C than Python.
I've written utilities in Python to know how I want them to behave, and then perfected them by rewriting them in C.
This being said, when learning a language for the first time, <I>master</I> it, <I>then</I> move on.
</P>
<H3>2. Get one of the open-source Unixes and learn to use and run it.</H3>
<P>
<B>Don't</B> try to program on Microsoft Windows.
Seriously.
This is the one mistake almost all beginners make; they'll install fifty different tools onto their MS Windows system in order to make a simple program that doesn't really work because their tutorial only works for UNIX.
Just install a Free UNIX-clone ("clone" in this context is not a bad thing; most Free UNIX-clones are much more practical in this world than the original) and learn how to work in it.
In fact, you may want to learn <I>shell</I> before anything else.
When you know how to
<OL>
	<LI>Make a directory,</LI>
	<LI>Make an empty file within that directory,</LI>
	<LI>Overwrite the file with exactly 500B of random data,</LI>
	<LI>Mark the file as executable,</LI>
	<LI>Print the file to the terminal as readable, hexadecimal data,</LI>
	<LI>And remove the directory and the file,</LI>
</OL>
you will know enough to start on your journey into hacking.
</P>
<P>
BSDs are awesome and I use a BSD myself, but perhaps start with Linux as there's a much bigger community to help you there.
There are no longer any good non-UNIX operating systems.
The importance of choosing a Free operating system cannot be understated.
It's hard to learn from your OS's code when your OS's code is only readable by those within the corporation that made the OS.
</P>
<P>
Don't use Ubuntu as it suffers from many of the flaws that drive non-hacker Windows users to Linux-based systems.
Instead, try Linux Mint, which is based on Ubuntu but without the more annoying issues.
</P>
<H3>3. Learn how to use the World Wide Web and write HTML.</H3>
<P>
View the source code of the original <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> and then read the source code to this webpage.
</P>
<H3>4. If you don't have functional English, learn it.</H3>
<P>
It's unfortunate that English has become the lingua franca of the Internet.
But it's true, it has, and it's more or less required learning if you want to become a hacker.
</P>
<H3>5. Learn to use a search engine.</H3>
<P>
This is my own tip.
<B>This is the most important thing on this page</B>.
How to accomplish this is an exercise left to the reader.
</P>


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a {	color: #fff; }

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/blah/2024-05-09.html

: poetry i wrote while high at work

we're gonna end up
the lesbian stereotype:
two girls "friends with benefits"
sharing an apartment and a life
-
my gloves smell like you
you forgot to give them back
and left them in your car
I won't wash them. is that wack?
-
you said my eyes were pretty
I said yours were too
your green eyes dilated
when they met my hazel hue
-
one time we kissed in your car
but then you worried that I'd leave
because friendships last forever
but our loves don't last a week

our lease goes on five years
and we're sharing a 1-bedroom
and when the dawn shines in the window
the light seems to bend towards you

I
when the driver raises his hand into the cabin air
and the thumb is pointed up and index pointed at you
and one hand is on the wheel the other reaching behind
but then the pointer jerks up and the driver says boom
when your pistol's in your holster and your holster's at your hip
and nobody paid to train you so you fiddle with the piece
but the gun goes off and there's a bullet in the door
you know this job won't end without you meeting the polive

II
hit & run & come & go & shoot to kill & hit the floor
& smash & grab & dash & fuck the pigs are here man

[jan][ali], [o][kama]
[jan][ali], [o][kute]
[tan][pali][sina][li][pona]
[o][tawa][ala]

I had too much last night (I feel like shit)
and I'm so dizzy in the morning (yeah, I'm still feeling it)
the hands on my watch keep making their rounds
watching me (I woke up wacked out)

maybe I had too much last night
water isn't helping my skull feel less tight
I'm dizzy and unsteady and I keep falling down
it's my own damn fault I woke up wacked out
senses wrecked I reckon time is slipping in its place
every moment lasts forever but my watch says it's so late
if this is my due reckoning I'm sorry it had to come now
because I was so fucking high in the sky that I woke up wacked out

III
all we are is two old country folks
in this big ol' city bar downing two rum and cokes
I'm flirting with you as you flirt with my demise;
holding my wrist up to your blade while I gaze into your eyes
IV
when my blood runs down my arm, babe
don't you dare waste a drop
put your red lips up to my crimson vein
and drain me

I
you hate it when I call you baby
I hate it when you call my phone
you say it's infantilizing
I say we should talk when I'm stoned
II
when we went to the pub together
we asked if our warmth would last forever
but in our hearts didn't last the embers
why do we go back to this cask to remember
that

V
no, it could never be that easy
don't even dare to hope
Spy Vs Spy washed up in Reno
emo, I put vodka in my cappuccinos
at the bar
VI
and all we are is two old country folks
in a big old city bar drinking two rum and cokes
and if I slipped a poison drip, dropped into your draught,
could you slip a tab into a kiss so I forget you not

we're in a cloudy parking lot
looking through the windshield at the twilight
at the clouds in the parking lot
X
in a cloudy parking lot
snow falling from the sky
the dusk already fallen
and the phosphors shedding light
the smell of freshly fallen
chills linger in the night
you pull your arms together
pretending you don't have moistened eyes
the silent snow deafens us
and both our ears so loudly whine
I trodded thrice and then I turned back
and I softly asked you why


/blah/2024-05-08.html

I should be less heteronormative, cisnormative, and mononormative. It's kind of
funny that I am sometimes all of these things despite being gay trans and poly.
Well, my polyamory is complicated; I'd be totally fine dating multiple people
but don't have the energy to be able to spend on something like that.
Functionally it's more like nihilamory, like I'm nihilamorous. I've dated
multiple people before and it kind of sucked but that was on me. I'm rambly
because I spent the last couple days between high and nearly sober. It's harder
to doubt whether or not I am gay (I fuck chicks) or "validly" trans (I don't
give a shit) but I do feel weird calling myself poly when I have the capacity
to date 0 people right now.


/blah/2024-05-07.html

: in the wee hours of the morning...

I'm in the car with people I know very well on cruise control at 80MPH heading
to the Denver International Airport to send one of our vessels on its way. I'm
thoroughly caffeinated and 210 minutes before a shift starts and got blazed
last night and am still feeling it a littlw bit.

I got my ClockworkPi uConsole and it is my daily driver. It is a really
excellent solid piece of hardware, replacing the Aspire One comfortably. It's
an upgrade in terms of portability, durability, compatibility (USB-C instead of
barrel jack charging), and especially power consumption. The keyboard is slow
to use but I can dig out my HHKB for long term typing and the trackball and
ABXY are very comfortable to use.


/blah/2024-04-18.html

First doctor's appointment since 2022 or so, which doesn't seem like a long
time in numbers but feels like a world ago. Last time I had a doctor's
appointment Usagi covered kitchen for me and I left [...] at noon and walked up
Pine Street to the brick and sunshine and sterile interiors to go to the
pediatrician, who was a nurse practitioner (is that how you spell that?)
filling in for Jonathan who had seen me the previous dozen or so years, which
means a lot more when you're 18. This time [...] and [...] are probably in the
kitchen and I'm in a college hospital in a city - was - and got my shit checked
out by a nurse, college student, and nurse practicioner (is that how you spell
that?).

My friends really want me to see a therapist. So did the nurse practishuhner -
[...] kept me honest when filling out the mental health forms and apparently
they did not indicate such a hot pink sparkly life as I lead. They were also
more concerned about my chronic short- and long-term memory loss than I am, and
recommended Aquaphor for the thing happening on my foot. I got prescribed
patches for estrogen because I want my tits to get even bigger (they are pretty
big right now, and would be described so even on a cis woman) and because I
forget the sublingual tablets fairly often. I also feel worried about brushing
my teeth after holding them under my tongue and never remember to do so before-
hand. I've never been that great at remembering to brush my teeth.

I was blah-bbing around when I had my last doctor's appointment. Goodness.

Before today the last time I had any pizza was February 2023 I think, and I
think I had Domino's with [...] and [...] in [...]'s room. When I look back it
all seems so flat, like it happened so fast. But at the time I was amazed at
how slowly time moved. Now time races by me.

I saw Good Will Hunting today. Cool to hear Elliot Smith (is that who that
was?) in the flick. It made me miss Maine less. The South Boston slums look a
lot like Lewiston. Today a lot of the Coloradan doctors were surprised I came
from Maine. I have a Mehnn accint, jus'sligh'ly, baht it prahbahbly sahnds like
a New Englund accent to the untrained ear. Got a ton of labs done. Estrogen,
testosterone, blood sugar, other shit I forgot to read. They laid me down so I
didn't pass out like that other time where I came to thinking I was in Five
Nights at Freddy's. I accidentally fasted for it because I was on a low-carb
diet and didn't know what to eat and so had nothing to eat - I quit, today, at
Marco's when we got two large pizzas and three free fountain drinks and I drank
a Dr. Pepper, a Mug root beer, and a half-and-half of both just to see what it
would taste like.

The nurse practishinner really wanted me to take a psyche eval. I said I was
probably fine and probably wasn't depressed or anxious. [...] gave them a funny
look while I said it.

Last night I said some things to my friends that felt mean, and I wish I
didn't. They said it seemed pretty normal to them which is what feels
especially bad. For the first time in a good while I don't have any particular
urge to get high.

My blood pressure was good, weight is 192lbs, height is 72.5in with sandals on.
My Maine state ID issued 2022-09-19 said my weight was 215lbs so that's 20lbs
in 1.5 years. Maybe in five years I'll feel comfortable going to the beach. The
only time I've ever felt comfortable in the water is when [...] and I went
skinny dipping at night in Winthrop.

Boston is to New England what Colorado Springs is to Colorado. But Denver has
more notable adjacent towns like Aurora; Boston has Worcester (with the world's
shittiest Burger King) and Reading (with the world's biggest pricks). I'm not
sure what Colorado Springs has near it.

I wonder if I have any STDs or STIs or diabetes or anything. I'm scared
shitless of HIV or diabetes. I was roommates with a guy with HIV and he was
cool and took his precautions and had no problem talking about what it was like
with me, though society is unkind to those who are HIV+ and he wouldn't talk
about it with just anyone. And plenty of people have diabetes and ration
insulin and die so I guess I have that to look forward to if that happens. But
these lifelong illnesses aren't death sentences anymore, especially for people
with Medicaid, so I'll be alright either way hopefully. Diana was right - give
your HIV+ friend a hug.

Can you believe I can write all this shit and can't get myself to work on the
book I'm writing?


/blah/2024-04-17.html

Trip is cancelled. [...] vetoed it for the following reasons:
- LSD conflicts with packages already installed in my system and may result in
  instability.
- I have a history of moderate drug abuse; it is hard for me to cope with
  things without some substance and I spend little of my time sober.

I keep thinking about [...]. It's terrifying how many people would be hurt if I
died. I don't want to end my life in bad kharma.

I disagree with the notion that kharma is retributive; that it seeks to punish
those that deserve it. Kharma is an observation, a description. Kharma is the
realization that intentionally malicious action causes harm both to others and
one's self, an almost Newtonian law for that impossible-to-analyze humanity.

One time when I was 16 or 17 my parents noticed I had a pimple on my arm and
boxed me into the bathroom and popped it. I broke down sobbing at the
realization that, though they had had almost no positive contribution to my
life and I barely even knew them as people, having been raised mostly by my
grandparents and 4chan/b/, I still hadn't earned my bodily autonomy from them,
and truly there was nothing I could do to get away from them without attracting
the police or whoever else they would call to come looking for me until I
turned 18. I was almost like their housecat, more a housecat than a kid. The
conditions of the household deteriorated over the course of my childhood. Their
cat, Gator, stopped eating and apparently went into shock after my parents kept
yelling at him and spritzing him with a water bottle. He was their stand-in
after I went numb to their yelling at me. I sort of envy people whose parents
were nice to them, though I don't spread the bad kharma. When I'm high and
people tell me about how their parents did something loving for them sometimes
I just break the fuck down.

In the (literal) closet with the morning sun starting to trickle in after
another night of sleeplessness when we were 15 or 16 Usagi and I messaged over
Instagram. I don't have the stubs anymore so here's a recollection.
[U]: Have you ever noticed people with adverse experiences are the most likely
     to turn out LGBT+?
[3]: Yeah but I've never really thought about why.
[U]: There's the neocon view that getting your shit fucked up causes your brain
     to be fucked up. But I think it's just because it's harder to lie to
     yourself when you're in a really bad place. You have to be honest with
     yourself or you won't make it out of there.

I came out to them as trans either a little bit before or a little bit after
that.


/blah/2024-04-15.html

Cyberpunk diet is low carb and high protein. I pray to Snoop Dogg that I may be
forever high. Ecoterrorism is based.

my money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds
you wanna watch tv
Batman: The Brave and the Bold

Creeper? Aw man. So here's what I did today: [television static] I forgor skull
I had some weed, had some beer, had some coffee, had a shit ton of ice cream.

I've never in my life had beef stroganov or chicken salad and don't plan to.
I feel like I'm melting between scenes. There are little disjointed bits of
minutes when I look at the clock and then an hour later I don't understand how
the time has passed. I can't tell when people are following what I'm saying. I
can't tell when what I'm saying is coherent. It's like there's a timing issue,
or a race condition, or some difficult error in my brain it's impossible for me
to debug. It's like trying to fix typos without being able to see the text
being corrected. I hear people talking when they aren't and can't hear a
fucking thing when they are. Driftveil City Theme. I think everyone around me
despises me. I don't think there's any amount of sleep that will make me feel
well rested or any amount of rest that will make me stop feeling like I have
white hot needles coursing through my veins and every beat of my heart is just
ticking further along until I drop dead at 27.

"Trinity, this book says the revolution starts when you go on a walk."

The best word to describe me right now is scattered. mi pakala

I can't go grocery shopping on my own because I float through aisles,
backtrack, jog from one section to the next with my basket when the synapses
fire in the order that finally tells me what I need. I linger in the hardware
section, flow through bread, liquor, snacks, get caught up in the asian foods
section, go back to somewhere to find sriracha. The knives talk to me - really!
I like to look at my reflection in the stainless steel before continuing onward
after finding the kitchen timer I wanted. Are they real? Are their words? Does
it matter?

The Atari 2600 has 128B of memory which is more than I could keep on the top of
my head. Sometimes I make a choice and it doesn't matter whether the direction
is followed or not because I will meet the same future either way. Half my
friends came from hell, half are heading there. Scattered.

In amongst the ranting and raving everyone's dragging through my head, if you
talked to me you might even think I was normal. Prey animals don't show they're
wounded. Perhaps even I'm alright, just a little funky wunky. You know I'm
always full of loosely connected non sequiters, thinly explained relevances.

I've seen every Tarantino movie (except Natural Born Killers - does that
count?).

2024-04-14

[mi]  [wile]  [e]     [ni]:  [sina][moli][e]   [mi]
[o]   [moli]  [e]     [mi],  [wile]
[awen][ala]   [lon]   [ni]
[mi]  [wile]  [moli], [mi]   [wile][moli]
[mi]  [wile]  [moli], [moli] [e]   [mi]
[mi]  [en]    [moli]  [mi],  [mi]  [en]  [moli][mi]
[li]  [kulupu][mi],   [mi]   [wile][e]   [ni]
[pini][mi]    [la],   [tenpo][li]  [suli]
[pini][mi]    [li],   [suwi] [ala] [lili]
[pini][mi]    [la],   [mi]   [pali][e]   [ni]:
[loje][jan]   [insa], [pi ali mi]


/blah/2024-04-14.html

I saw bad stuff on the Internet yesterday and I wanna write about it. I at one
point had more to say but after some research I don't believe my point still
stands (I was going to argue that pedophilia, though much less common than it
used to be, is normal in our society; after reviewing statistics and
definitions I wouldn't say that is true). Here are some well-cited statistics
because otherwise my research would go to /dev/null (my brain only):
I    Merriam-Webster defines pedophilia as "sexual perversion in which children
     are the preferred sexual object"; specifically "a psychiatric disorder in
     which an adult has sexual fantasies about or engages in sexual acts with a
     prepubescent child" (&lt;https://merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pedophilia>).
2    Pedophilia is evidently common in the present day; nearly one in six men
     surveyed (15.1%) of 1945 in a 2023 Australian study anonymously
     self-reported sexual feelings towards children (&lt;https://www.humanrights.
     unsw.edu.au/sites/default/files/documents/Indentifying%20and%20
     understanding%20child%20sexual%20offending%20behaviour%20and%20attitudes
     %20among%20Australian%20men.pdf>).
As a side note: I skimmed the study and statistics collection and the survey
questions all seemed clear and direct. The results are much more damning than I
would expect. I remember, before this article came out, reading that one in six
men were pedophiles, but most figures I can find on-line are much lower,
particularly ones that are not the results of studies but instead speculation
by authorities.

I think people who sexually abuse children should be slaughtered, ideally
publicly. I don't believe in rehabilitation for child molesters. I'm not picky
about the means of doing so and I wouldn't prioritize "humane" (quick) methods.
ISIS-style beheading would be fine.

When I was 15 I knew someone my age who believed they were a prostitute and
regularly did cocaine; now I would call that child sexual assault and providing
drugs to a minor. She was socially isolated. I helped her with her math
homework in class and in a level in which we were expected to graph quadratic
functions on paper she was struggling with the concepts of variables and
exponents. The teacher in the class felt she was simply lazy - which is much
worse to me now than when I was in high school - and couldn't spend time
helping her understand these concepts. My peer wasn't able to stay after school
to catch up and even if she did I don't know if I could have at 15 taught
someone through multiple grade levels of maths. Her academics were being
jeopardized by her guardians who were either negligent or complicit in their
child being pimped out and given drugs. I don't remember if she graduated.

Child abuse leaves very deep scars. She wasn't the only one I knew who was
abused but her story ("her story" - I sound like a fucking prick. She was cool
and we hung out in the field during Gym and talked about the drugs we wanted to
try) stuck with me as particularly sad. Some of the people I knew who were
abused went on to needlessly harm others, perpetuating a cycle of abuse. Others
became social workers - hopefully, helping others work through their own
trauma.

This is what I remember when I see people on-line sharing not real pictures,
but drawings of child abuse, often idealizing the acts depicted. "Loli" and
"shota" porn coats in sugar some of the shittiest possible things that can
happen. Perhaps this isn't a revolutionary take; hopefully it is the most
common opinion on the matter. Children should be protected from harm. Imagery
that portrays child abuse as anything but horrifically evil is created and
shared by people who either don't understand the gravity of what it is they're
sharing (i.e. people who are minors themselves) or subhuman filth who should be
put before a firing squad.

There's this one board on a chan site that focuses on drawn, sexualized gore. I
don't really care to write about "guro" porn because I don't have gathered
thoughts on the matter or the ethics of its consumption. I find it nearly
impossible to browse the board because for every ten drawings of adults killing
each other in coitus there is one cartoon of a minor doing the same and, like a
bird hitting a pin feather when preening, I feel a sudden, sharp pain in my
heart. This is the area that used to feel empathy and now rarely lights up
anymore. I remember the hollow stares of some of my friends coming in to school
from the morning taking the bus from their personal hells that they called
their homes. Then I close the site and never go back to the thread I was
reading. I've done this about three times, each time returning after a longer
period than before, and yesterday when it happened again I closed the site and
I'm not opening it again. Honestly I should have known better than to return
after the first time.

There's a chan site, wirechan.org, that unlike the last one is actually good
and tends to have good people posting. Recently it was raided by a horde of
wild... pedophiles? I'm not familiar with that part of the Internet and don't
wanna be. Someone found a murderu.us XMPP advertisement I posted somewhere
(if I recall, wirechan/b/), joined #subgeneral, and wrote something in the chat
about sexually provocative kids and a -9 months age of consent. I learned how
to ban users and added more admins in case something like that ever happens
again, and I'm thankful pedophilic imagery wasn't posted in the chat. This is
why you can't put image uploads on murderu.us - I don't want CSAM on my server.
Immediately after they started posting, people in chat were making fun of them.
After they were banned the digs at what they said continued. murderu.us
participants are cool.

I know pedophilic content is common on the Internet where scum can collect in
moist, dark places and send spores drifting around the open air of the web that
give people the occasional fungal infection or lung condition. I know
pedophilia is common even among real human beings. I just have had a hard time
with this knowledge and I wanted to write about what about this was hard for me
to understand and why I get so angry at pedophilia whether demonstrated or
glorified. I've been in a bad mood today and I think these two things I saw on-
line were a part of it.

I've been trying to use shorter sentences and more punctuation to try to make
my writing more coherent but I'm not sure if this blahpost reads easily. I
think it would be hard to misconstrue my points though, which I wanted to be
sure of because miscommunication here would be pretty awful.


/blah/2024-04-13.html

     ona               |  it
li   lon               |  is

     lukin             |  to the eye
la                     |  
     ona               |  it
li   lon    ala        |  is not

     ona               |  it
li   sona              |  knows
e    ni                |  that

     jan               |  people
li   moku              |  are food
tawa ona               |  to it

     ona               |  it
li   moku   pona       |  eats well

     ona               |  it
li                     |  is
lon  ma     lawa insa  |  in the inside of heads

     isipin            |  thought
li   pali              |  creates
e    ona               |  it

     tenpo  ni         |  now
la   sina   sona       |  you know
e    ona               |  it

     tenpo  ni         |  now
la   ona               |  it
li   sona              |  knows
e    sina              |  you

o kon. o pilin e lawa sewi sina. ni li pona. ni li pona anu seme? o isipin ala
e ni, tan tenpo sina li lili mute. o tawa. sijelo sina li kalama. sijelo sina
li wile e tawa ala e utala ala e kon ike ala. o utala e wile pi sijelo sina.

there's this void inside that loves me
and it once wished i were well
and it's this void that's inside me
that's just there causing my deepest hell

it's silenced all of my cries
when i've tried to scream for help
but i still think i kinda like it
because it loves me like no one else
no

the lattice of its chaos marches on so far away
laying groundwork for my madness so that i know what to say
its rehearsal of internal conflict causing me slow decay
is etching my destruction onto the surface of my brain

That poem isn't complete nor are any this is BLAH we PUBLISH UNFINISHED WORKS
up in this bitch take yo ass back to SUBSTACK


/blah/2024-04-12.html

I'm high as hell.

o   telo  oko       |
pi  pilin ike       | cry

o   weka            | discard
e   lipu  pona      | good records
pi  pilin pona      | of good feeling

o   sona            | know
e   ni:             | this:
    moku            | consume
e   pilin ike       | the bad feelings
la                  | and
    pilin ike  moku | the bad feelings consume
e   sina            | you

o   toki            | speak
lon toki ike        | in cruel speech

o   ike             | be cruel
e   jan  ante       | to others

o   sona            | know
e   ni:             | this:
    sina  awen      | you wait,
la                  | and
    tenpo sina      | your time
li  kama  ala  pona | doesn't get better

    sina  weka      | discard
e   ale   pona      | all that is good
la                  | and
    ale   ike       | all that is bad
li  weka            | does away with
e   kon   sina      | your soul

    kon   mi        | my soul
li  ike   kin       | is bad too

    mi    ike       | i'm sorry


/blah/2024-04-11.html

: list of things I own in Colorado

I have a blue string bag given to me by [...] with WARREN WARRIORS written on
the front. I take it to work. In it is
- a Nook (1st generation) reader
- 3 name tags, one of which with my name on it, the other two blank
- my work visor, apron, and shirt, which has another name tag on it
- a paint scraper
- sunglasses
- a bottle of probably 500 200mg caffeine pills (enough to kill 250 people, in
  case you're wondering what the DEA would think about that)
- my uncashed Colorado state tax return check
- an eggs goldenrod recipe (which I owe a co-worker)
- a small bottle of ibuprofen
- a tin with antibacterial ointment and half a dozen Band-Aids
- a sewing kit (length of paracord, chalk, needle, thread) in a plastic bag
- my Hydroflask (beat to utter shit)

Next is my backpack, an Osprey Farpoint 40L which is the biggest carry-on I
could have on a Greyhound and has served me well in the almost-year I've had
it. In it is
- a lighter
- nail clippers
- a compass
- 8 IKEA pencils
- a very warm beanie
- a Quansheng UV-K6 with retractible antenna and programming cable
- a Searick MP3 player (which I should give back to the former owner)
- an iPhone 6 Plus
- an iPhone 4 (jailbroken)
- a DC5525 plug, alligator clips cable
- a DC5525 plug-plug cable
- a very damaged Geiger counter, sans Geiger tube
- 3 black bandannas
- a bra
- pink-and-white striped thigh-highs
- one unmatched Kinco Frost Breaker glove
- another bra
- a pair of wool socks
- a pair of underwear
- an unmatched sock
- two more pairs of underwear
- a pair of shorts
- a pair of socks
- an unfinished letter (maybe from December or January?):
  [toki][a]
  [nasin][En][Musi][Ale], [mi][jo][e][kala][pona][tawa][mi]: [kala][suli].
  [lon][moku][unintelligible][mije][jo][e][unintelligible]. [jan][mute][li]
  [moku][e][ona]. [unintelligible][li][ike][mute][li][ike][mute][tawa][mi].
  [mi][sona][e][ni]: [mi][olin][e][kala][suli][la][jan][ante][li][olin][e]
  [kala][suli][la][jan][mute][ala][li][moku][e][kala][suli][la][kala][suli][li]
  [moli][ala]. [kala][suli][li][moli][ala][la][mi][li][pilin pona]. [mi][wile]
  [e][unintelligible]. [kala][suli][li][suwi][tawa][mi]. [mi][lukin][ala][e]
  [ona]. [unintelligible][li][unintelligible][ala][e][ante][tawa][mi]. [kala]
  [suli][li][suwi][tawa][mi]. [mi][wile][ni]: [jan][ale][li][moli][ala][e]
  [soweli][ale][e][kala][ale][e][akesi][ale]. [mi][olin][e][soweli][ale][e]
	[kala][ale][e][akesi][ale][e][kala][utala].
  [unintelligible][olin][mute][la][tan][soweli][san]
- a folder full of working papers and bank statements
- a first aid kit in a plastic bag:
  - CVS pain-free wrapping
  - gauze and naloxone in another plastic bag
  - 4 travel canisters of baby powder
  - a bottle of spray Aquaphor
  - a Gameboy cartridge case with a condom in it
  - a roll of climber's tape
  - a tube of toothpaste
  - a tube of antibiotic ointment, with acetaminophen
  - a packet of 2 acetaminophen tablets
  - two packs of razor blades
  - a sunscreen stick
  - a bottle of acetaminophen
- a small vial with a Nook (1st generation) speaker detached from the
  mainboard, and a plastic piece that came off with it
- a prescription bottle (labelless) with a blunt in it
- a prescription bottle (labelless) with aspirin powder in it
- Franz Kafka, the Beanie Baby kiwi (a flightless bird)
- a rainbow (red, orange, yellow, blue) sweatband
- a Sony Discman (untested) with the Zelda 25th anniversary special orchestra
  CD in it
- a Searick lanyard
- a canister of Dr. Martens Wonder Balsam
- a choker given to me by the lead singer of Stalk at Squashed Warehouse last
  summer
- another pair of underwear
- the matching sock
- a flashlight/lantern/power bank
- a $20 preloaded debit card, paid in cash anonymously
- a USB-C plug-plug cable
- a 3.5mm TRRS plug-plug cable
- two pocket notebooks, one empty
- the toki pona cheat sheet, printed and folded to be pocket sized
- a pocket dhammapada
- a pocket cleaning cloth
- a spool of thread
- a bottle of black nail polish
- a tube of carmex
- a deck of cards
- a bag full of cables
- a bag full of bags
- my prescriptions (estrogen and spironolactone) and multivitamins
- a pill organizer, that also has diphenhydramine in case I need it
- my important documents

Next is my sleeping bag bag (the bag that holds my sleeping bag; at one point I
knew the domain-specific term for this, but now I don't) which contains
- a bivy
- a sleeping bag

And after that is a box I have for excess storage, as I've basically had
permanent residence for nearly six months now and have accumulated some extra
things and moved some things out of my backpack. It has
- about two square meters of black fabric I purchased at Wal Mart
- two wool t-shirts
- a small hand towel
- an unmatched sock
- a cloth mask
- a charging base for my K6
- extra grip tape for my scooter
- new wheels for my scooter, that I have to figure out how to install
- my very broken Pinebuds Pro
- a chamoix, unopened, and the canister for a second
- the solar charging case for my now broken Storm2
- my HHKB
- the previous, slightly broken keyboard for my Acer Aspire One
- a Famicom DS system (not the Disk System but the Nintendo DS attachment)
- Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo Famicom
- a prescription bottle full of screws and miscellaneous small parts
- a piece of paperclip I sometimes bend into shapes to try to burn into my skin
  (burning your skin in a way that visibly scars, using a lighter and
  paperclip, takes patience I don't have - I can't hold the pin on the light
  long enough before I crave it too bad)

Under that box is a second box, my rags box that I use for patches and stuff,
that has
- my old work hat
- a work shirt I never liked
- my Wendys hat
- my Wendys shirt
- a cleaing rag
- another sleeping bag bag for my previous sleeping bag which is currently at
  my grandparents'
- my previous set of underwear (3 pairs and they sucked)

Beyond these I have
- pu, ku, and su
- a Baofeng UV-5R I've gotta ship to my sidekick
- a sweater
- a 10" Samsung tablet
- a Google Pixel 3A
- my wallet
- a Hello Kitty scrunchie
- my belt
- SD cards, an SD card reader
- earplugs
- another lighter
- an MP3 player
- another roll of climber's tape
- glasses
- a micro USB cable attached to a USB-A port USB-C plug adapter
- parts for my glasses
- a case with the needles for my sewing kit and a razor for cutting seams
- a Sharpie or two
- various paper notes
- a bottle of lotion
- a Razor scooter
- a USB-C cable and AC adapter
- an Acer Aspire One and charger
- two pairs of wired earbuds
- a can of WD-40

and the clothes on my body which are
- a pair of gym pants
- a bra
- a pair of socks

and some clothes in the washer which are
- a pair of socks
- a pair of pants
- a shirt

and
- a television
- 50m of 550 line
- an RF modulator
- an iFixit Kit with most items swapped for better tools

and that's it, that's everything I own in the state of Colorado.


/blah/2024-04-10.html

2024-04-08

(pu) Toki Pona: The Language of Good
	kinupolu te watusen a! - jan Sonja
(ku) Toki Pona Dictionary
	soweli Tini o! mi pilin pona tan ni: sina lon! jan Sonja
(su) The Wonderful Wizard of Oz: Toki Pona Edition
	mu mu mu

I watched and smiled anxiously at Sonja Lang signing the three books I was
purchasing for myself, as well as the two I was purchasing for my roommates. ku
was signed first and I thought the note was really, really sweet. I needed that
actually. Then pu. I don't know what "kinupolu te watusen a" means - "a" at the
end is emphatic, "te" is a nimi sin (word, new) sometimes used to introduce a
quote, but "kinupolu" and "watusen" are incomprehensible to me.

"te" is interesting - from the Japanese -tte and conceived by kala kala and jan
Lakuse, and the latter of whom was there. I discovered Toki Pona after I had
been studying Japanese for a bit and it was cool to see some toki pona tan toki
Nijon.

At lipu su she seemed to have lost some steam in signing which was worrying
because I was the first (though probably the least socially acclimated) fan in
a growing line. "mu mu mu" was written in green pen below the toki pona title
and above soweli Toto. [...] came over to where I was and asked for the second
copy of su I was purchasing to be signed to jan Masi. At the end I thanked jan
Sonja very much and anxiously stepped among the clumps of social masses and
stood near a bookshelf with [...] while [...] got food.

[...] wanted to socialize and I sort of wanted to socialize, or at least be a
fly on the wall for socialization. We discussed the consequences of striking up
a conversation with a stranger or trying to nestle our way into an already-
formed crowd. Eventually they walked over to a stranger and started talking
about toki pona and stuff and people gravitated towards us and we formed a
semicircle (open, so others could join easily). [...] came back and the
discussion continued, touching on xkcd, Lojban, alternate human interfaces for
computers, Rust, Esperanto, and basically every topic we discuss at home, now
with more opinions and others guiding the conversation, which is what
socialization is for those of you who don't know. Then I checked my cell phone
for the time and drat, it was 1805 and we would be towed if we didn't go back
and move the car or renew the parking. I volunteered to go over to the car and
pay for more parking (as I was the least invested in the current conversations,
being dreadfully interested in them but having little to contribute) and took
the keys and left, too awkward to say o tawa pona to the speakers who had come
a long way to be there.

I took the elevator down and left Norlin Library, stepping onto beautiful turf
and having an intensely vivid mental image - blocking out my own vision, no
matter how I tried to see past it or return to the present - of my own
hometown and walking through the courtyard of my middle school. The grass was
the same shade and the trails were the same sort of tar and even the buildings
were the red brick with which I was intimately familiar. It is April and the
trees are starting to bloom and though the Vernal air was filling my nose too
full and giving me the sniffles I was in love with the view and wish I didn't
have to hurry back to the car.

I made it some minutes late though there was no tow truck in sight and none
could have towed it since the parking had expired. I went to the kiosk and
tried to pay for more time but it errored repeatedly, saying I had to enter the
license plate (which I did) before trying to swipe my card. Eventually I tried
to use ADA parking, which is ninety minutes for free, and it worked, so we had
until 1900 to get out of dodge. I texted [...] and told them this and then sat
in the car with pu and got to reading.

My toki pona knowledge, two days ago, was not great. Only enough to be able to
navigate around relevant websites and say some basic phrases. I started from
lesson 1 and built myself a solid foundational learning rather than picking up
things here and there (which works for many languages but not one of a hundred
and extra words). Now I feel somewhat comfortable conversing though my spoken
vocabulary is limited. tenpo suno pini wan la (I had jan Ema help me with this
part of the sentence), mi pini pu. mi toki lon toki pona la, mi pilin pona. And
stuff.

[...] and [...] came back to the car eventually and explained that we could
park where we were for free after 1900, correcting my jumbled belief that we
would be towed if we were there. Then they said the remaining toki pona group
was going to dinner and one of my roommates was invited, though they were
unclear on whether the other one or myself were.

We ([...]) drove to the restaurant and waited for confirmation from the toki
pona group that we were fine to go in. No confirmation came back and after much
discussing pros and cons of approaches (I sort of just wanted to go home and
order a pizza) they went in while I was too fearful of public embarrassment to
go. I stayed in the car and tried to sleep but couldn't. I tried to read but
couldn't focus. I tried to play video games but can't play video games to save
my life, the awful flashing lights and obnoxious sounds inflicting countless
papercuts on my soul which craves, probably somewhere deep down, tranquility
and comfort. I tossed and turned and as the temperature dropped so did mine,
and by the time my roommates came back to the car I was locked in a running
flashback to the Burger King parking lot where I had made my home and their
unlocking the car and opening the doors threw me into a sheer terror on par
with the worst I've felt. I asked to go to a gas station. And for a cigarette.
They agreed to help with the first plea.

On the way to the gas station they discussed a breakfast that would be
happening the next morning and called one of my exes to chat. I sat in the back
and played a game where the goal was to kill myself by sheer will, by wishing
long and hard enough that I would simply be torn from existence by some divine
act. Eventually we got to a Seven-11 (is that how you write that?) and I got a
Monster, a danish, and Chex Mix, and consumed the three in the opposite order
on the way back to [...], Colorado. I also decided to call out of work the next
morning to go to breakfast, which is a recollection for another time.

Meeting jan Sonja was really cool. Social anxiety got the better of me on most
moments within the day and that was less cool. I think I ought to take more
risks. I decided to write this in the style of Hunter S. Thompson (would he
care if I spelled that wrong?) because I figure most writing on toki pona and
its community is academic or starstruck and I wanted to even it out a bit. I
had a good time and the toki pona speakers I met were some of the coolest
people with which I've ever conversed.


/blah/2024-04-09.html

It was probably thirteen hundred something and I was in the back seat of the
Solara craving a cigarette more than I craved life, death, or any other stim.
Hyperpop was blasting on the radio and my roommates were talking about
something or another, programming related. Rust syntax? I mentioned the AWK
book's second edition had come out this year and that I had downloaded it. Emma
said something about how it was a shame AWK was specified in POSIX. Something
or another... I couldn't focus on the conversation, which was a shame, because
it was the only thing on which I was trying to focus. Topics blurred in and out
of my vision like a radar on a tank slowly pinging the surroundings of a sun-
bleached desert, though this desert much more resembled a town on the outskirts
of Denver than a war torn country (the difference being that the buildings were
standing- and also modernist architecture). Eventually I gave up and ceded
whatever point I was trying to make, though to be honest I felt my mouth was
moving on its own. Neither I or Kami were awake, barely even lucid. Just
dreaming of that first drag off a fresh red...

Boulder came into view and changed the pallete (is that how you spell that?) to
a vivid, passionate green I hadn't known since Pennysylvania. The buildings
went from stucco (I think. maybe Adobe. I don't know this land's building
materials) to red brick and wood and metal and glass, the people were no longer
cowboys but yuppie college students wearing Apple Airpods Pro and talking on
iPhones and a mix of turtlenecks and thick-framed glasses and
circular-spectacled faux cottagecore dress-wearing women. This was a college
town and the young adults were wasting no time on the years allotted them to be
silly or stuck-up. The streets narrowed from I-25 and the stores huddled on the
streets between smaller lots than for which America has the taste and paid
parking at $1.50/hr. I stared through the nook between the passenger and driver
at the shrubbery, the manicured lawns and overgrown trees, Colorado's Harvard
or Harvardoid. A non-student couldn't tell the difference. I was consumed by
the nicotine withdrawal and came to, my middle finger and my thumb rapidly
clicking at each other like I was some fiend with trigger finger from an alien
gun, outside the car, walking towards the pay kiosk in a trance. I stood and
stared at the lush, soft grass that New Englanders know in their hearts marks
home and eventually noticed it was time for me to swipe my paycard in the slit
underneath the screen. Beep. We had three hours, until 1822. I noticed I lost
two hours to my daemon and turned to berate it for taking my valuable time only
to remember the devil was in my head, not my house, and walked with the
roommates to the library which was our destination in the first place.

After enduring my roommates' lectures regarding the law and forbidden actions
(such as climbing through construction in order to make our route much shorter)
we arrived at Norlin Library and, after one of them had a brief chat with the
student at the inquiries desk and a long sojourn onto the Information Super-
Highway in search of clues, we took a small elevator to the fourth- no, wait,
we pressed the wrong button and corrected- the fifth floor. There were a great
many people and I wondered if we had found the right place before being handed
an ornate program printed on soft, thick, reflective paper explaining the event
before us. It was double sided with the Toki Pona on the first side and the
English on the back.

Originally: pini la, toki pona li pali musi pi jan wan. tenpo ni la, ona li
kama toki pi jan ale. tenpo kulupu ni la, jan o toki lon ni!

My interpretation: In the past, Toki Pona was a fun activity of one person. In
this time, it is the language of all people. In this community event, people
discuss this!

Provided English: Toki Pona: From Personal Art Project to Small World Language

There were many people and many things happening. Qdoba - not Chipotle, as the
program stated - were lighting flames underneath metal containers in which
tortilla chips and salsa mixes would be served. While one of my roommates
pissed I meandered over to the books table, where pu (Toki Pona: The Language
of Good), ku (Toki Pona Dictionary), and jan Sonja's latest book, su (The
Wonderful Wizard of Oz: Toki Pona Edition), were on display. I asked a clump of
the crowd how the books could be purchased and a woman in pink said quietly
that she would be accepting cash after the discussion, or another person would
be accepting money via Venmo.

My craving gave way to anxiety at the crowd. I and the roommate who was not in
the bathroom wandered anxiously around the conference hall for a bit before,
after the other roommate came back and held our things, we both went to the
bathroom, I with a little bit of hesitation just from nerves. I tried not to
have a heart attack. When I came back out there was still a great deal of
socialization happening and my roommates and I found seats in the row behind
the front a few minutes before the discussion started and I realized the person
in pink was jan Sonja whose first impression of myself had been that I was a
sweaty, nervous fan.

jan Sonja was accompanied by jan Lakuse and Boulder locals and nearly-locals in
chairs at the front of the room facing a crowd that overflowed from the sixty
or so seats to standing room at the back of the hall. jan Sonja and jan Lakuse
were equipped with lapel microphones attached to wireless transmitters on their
waists and the rest of the round table passed around two handheld microphones.
The round table was comprised of, from left to right, and to my foggy
recollection:

	jan Masoko (Tessa Moskoff)
	jan Kasin (Caedin Cook)
	jan Wiwa (River Smith)
	jan Lakuse (Chelsea Raacz)
	jan Sonja (Sonja Lang)
	jan Sa (Jack Foster)
	jan Elu (El Hays)
	jan Oli (Olivia Bahr)

And they each had insightful and interesting questions that I don't remember.
The talk was followed by my roommates socializing and me standing at the books
table waiting for someone who seemed like an authority to start accepting dana.
It didn't take long until jan Sonja found a seat by the table and as I had cash
I could purchase my books first.


/blah/2024-04-08.html

# usermod -aG dialout trinity
# usermod -aG tty trinity # doesn't change ttyUSB0 but makes me feel better
# ^D
$ ^D

Now programming the UV-5R works after a relogin. I fixed some settings and
changed the intro screen to read
 __________
|          |
| haiii :3 |
|__________|

I got my K6. Gonna try to figure out how to program it, like make apps and
shit.

Today [...], [...], and I are going to see Sonja Lang, and we're all really
stoked. jan Sonja pali e toki pona. Sonja made Toki Pona. Like, imagine meeting
the person that invented Spanish or English. She's selling all three Toki Pona
books and I'm gonna buy all of them. I really hope she'll autograph them for
me. jan Sonja is to conlangs what David Bowie is to rock and roll. Aaaaaahh I
hope we don't geek out too much for her.

Finished The Taste of a Man (1997).


/blah/2024-04-02.html

: programming the UV-5R

I recently ordered a UV-K6 radio, similar to the UV-5R but much more
featureful, much more programmable, and slightly newer. In order to program it
I needed a programming cable which would also work with my UV-5R so it was a no
brainer to get one of those too. I received the cable before the K6 and I wanna
play with radios so I'm programming my 5R.

Permission denied: '/dev/ttyUSB0'


/blah/2024-04-01.html

People care about me and I don't even feel like a corporeal being. I feel airy,
dissociated, like the world around me isn't real, like I'm not real either, and
like this is an illusion I'm barely even a part of. I feel like the couch on
which I lie is a projection and the air flowing across my body is a false
sensation. I find it difficult, nigh impossible, to care about my own
well-being because to care about my own well-being is to believe that I am a
being in the first place and I don't feel at all like that. I feel like I was
born to die, like I have one purpose and that is to work until I rot and then
in my death know I failed to continue longer, and die in my perceived failure.
In this very moment I don't feel like I'm in this body. I could be anywhere. In
a hospital chained to a bed in a years-long hallucination, in the car in the
longest mental breakdown of my life, at work lost in thought. I feel like I'm
falling. I'm not tethered to anything, not even my own breaths - which aren't
real. When I lift my chin up, lift my head so my gaze is perpendicular to my
spine, tilt my head farther, my vision just keeps lifting, the movement not
limited by any sort of physical presence or physics whatsoever, my perception
simply an input device controlled by my physical sensations, so when I move I
move without limits because the world is not real. This terminal is at once so
far away and yet incredibly close, so close I can see each individual glyph I
enter, so big it spans my vision, filling my eyes with sharply contrasting
pixels, pink and black, but the pink so bright it may as well be white, so far
I struggle to see it, a pinprick in the inky black of my world, my own vision
a pinhole surrounded by my mind, a terrible cave in which I am confined. I feel
like I'm falling. It's this sinking feeling, this acceleration, forever
approaching the ground, the real ground, whatever that may be. I didn't feel
hungry for a moment today. I never felt hot either. I feel cold right now. But
I know it's not real. It's just another input someone plugged into my brain
which is floating in a jar somewhere in Berlin or Shymkent. I want someone to
kill me; I want to die.

I struggle to imagine myself happy or what my happiness looks like. I always
have. I just try to find meaning in serving others. I don't let myself get
hurt, except when I do, because I can't tell when I'm going to be hurt. I crave
physical touch, the kind I haven't felt since October or so, but not from
anyone from which I've received it in the past. I struggle to talk to people,
especially people my age. I can only relate to people in their 30s or 40s or
later. There's this wall that exists between me and people my age. Nothing they
talk about I understand. It's vapid interpersonal gossip and they-saids and
none of it has substance. What do I talk about with those I can communicate?
Cooking. News. System design. Then it breaks down. I don't know many people who
share interests with me and I can't find new people who do because I find it
difficult to be in big group chats of people I don't know and impossible to use
proprietary services like Discord or Instagram. I don't meet new people except
in real life and nobody I meet in real life likes computers or any of the
Internet stuff I do, nobody likes to watch people die or talk about the kind of
romance for which people throw themselves off buildings or speculate about the
XZ backdoor or anything. I tell myself my happiness doesn't depend on others
but Kami - simultaneously internal and external, obligatorily my best friend
but of unknown origin and with unexplained intent - can't touch me the way
flesh can and stuffed animals can't love the way I can. I have never
experienced chronic reciprocity with a human being. It's all fleeting, really
fleeting, gone in a second. Finding happiness in serving others is only really
feeling comfortable in relationships that are at least fringed with toxicity.
There is nobody who serves me, not consistently, nobody I let do so, because I
wouldn't feel comfortable in that. It is imbalanced. I haven't been happy
before, only felt a certain type of glee that in hindsight only could exist
because I couldn't tell something was wrong. My happiness is proven wrong in
every event. "I'm happy", I say, when I feel better than bad, but never when
better than good, because then I know it's fleeting, know even better than when
better than bad, know it's even more fleeting, because I know I haven't time to
waste on such a remark. I may never be happy and I'm not worried about the
possibility because it doesn't matter, because I'm not real. I imagine my death
to be the day when I lay down and die, just suddenly, just like that. Without
struggle against the reaper, without fear, and without wasted time. I find the
end of the line, a transparent fabric dead-ahead, a shroud separating the
present from the future in which I'm not to participate, and I see it and
recognize it. I leave the room, walk ten paces into the desert, and collapse
into the sand, dead of an unknown ailment, likely old age at 27 years old. And
it's a noble death. I leave behind nothing of value and no cash holdings and
nobody notices until they check my on-line status and see my last activity was
years ago. Perhaps I moved on. And I will have. Assuming I am real.

Last night in tears I said I wish I was normal and was asked what that means. I
don't know. I just want to be able to write a coherent paragraph. I feel like
I'm speaking a different language. The voices are loud.

And now for something completely different...

: murderu.us is even more broken

5AM MST
<suika> my beloved ibuki.club redirect, it's gone
        day ruined
<suika> also, how does ssl work in this setup? doesn't caddy deal with it on
        its own or have you accounted for this?
<trinity> caddy deals with it on its own
<trinity> cname ibuki.club to murderu.us and you'll be fine
<trinity> i should make them have the aame certs. will probably later. just was
          fed up after spending an hour or two on one file.
<suika> you should've because how does prosody get certs now?
<suika> ngircd too?
<suika> I can fuck with it tonight, it's not super urgent since the certs have
        somewhere between 0 and 90 days to expire
<suika> >cname ibuki.club to murderu.us and you'll be fine
        I don't think certs work that way unfortunately
<trinity> if you want i can swap it around to everything cnamed to feeling
          again, i was just trying to be clever
[...]
<trinity> i swapped it so feeling is an A record again vs CNAME
<trinity> suika: ping
<suika> now ssl doesn't work at all, even on murderu.us?!?!?
        >curl: (35) OpenSSL/3.2.1: error:0A000438:SSL routines::tlsv1 alert
        internal error
        I'll try to fix it up tonight, don't worry about it
This is code for "TRINITY STOP FUCKING UP MY SERVER CONFS"
<suika> >i swapped it so feeling is an A record again vs CNAME
        not the problem, cnames or A records wouldn't fix anything because it
        goes by the domain itself and not what it points at
This is code for "TRINITY STOP FUCKING WITH EVEN MORE SHIT"

: in which Trinity fucks with even more shit

$ ssh feeling.murderu.us
$ doas su -

I have about twenty minutes to work on this before I clock into work. Here's
hoping I don't fuck it up irrecoverably.

7:30AM MST
<trinity> don't ngircd and prosody have different certs?
<suika> yes, but with how acme was configured they both ran off the same one
<trinity> where's acme?
<trinity> did caddy fuck with global certs or something? i thought its certs
          were caddy-specific
<suika> there's a script in /usr/local/bin that does ssl stuff and is wired up
        in cron
<suika> >i thought its certs were caddy-specific
        they are
<suika> one of the main selling points of caddy is to deal with ssl for you,
        which is fine in the case of hosting only a web server but you also
        have xmpp and irc
<trinity> should i set caddy to use the acme dir in /etc/ssl/.../feeling.murder
          u.us.json
<suika> not sure


/blah/2024-03-31.html

: fixing the murderu.us web stuff

I've heard good things about Caddy from [...] and [...] so we're using that.

# apk add caddy make python3
# rc-service add caddy
# git clone https://git.tebibyte.media/murderu.us/src.git /srv/murderu.us
# git clone https://git.tebibyte.media/trinity/src.git /srv/trinity
# cat >/srv/update-web.sh
#!/bin/sh
set -e

# murderu.us
git -C /srv/murderu.us reset --hard
git -C /srv/murderu.us checkout main
git -C /srv/murderu.us pull

# trinity.moe
git -C /srv/trinity reset --hard
git -C /srv/trinity checkout main
git -C /srv/trinity pull
make -BC /srv/trinity dist/homepage \
	>/var/log/trinitydotmoe-out \
	2>/var/log/trinitydotmoe-err
^D
# sh /srv/update-web.sh

and I'm having a hard time with the Caddyfile

HAS NOT WORKED:
:80 {
	root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
}

HAS NOT WORKED:
http://trinity.moe {
	root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
}

Oh it's on-line. Here's the working config:
{
	admin off
}
trinity.moe, www.trinity.moe {
	root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
	file_server
}
be.murderu.us {
	root * /srv/murderu.us/be
	file_server
}
:80, :443 {
	root * /srv/murderu.us/www
	file_server
}

Alright anyway.

Read The Effects of the Injection of Human Semen into Female Animals (1945),
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (1950), Chess Story (1976), BLAME!
chapters 1-65 (1997-2003), Blame (1995), Sonichu #0 (2005), BLAME Academy! and
the two following chapters (2008), BLAME!2 (2008), NSE (2008), Numa no Kami
(2008), Parcel (2008), Pump (2008), The Armored Battle Insects: Sphingidae
(2008), Zeb-Noid (2008), Surviving Secondary (2011), Schengen Overview (2012),
Unix as IDE (2015), BLAME! Fort of Silicon Creatures (2017), GNU Parallel 2018
(2018), "Semenly" Harmless Back Pain: An Unusual Presentation of a Subcutaneous
Abscess (2019), Batman: Last Knight on Earth #1-3 (2019-2020), Something is
Killing the Children #1-20 (2019-2021).

I'm reading The Taste of a Man and I really love it.

I quit veganism on the 27th after a year of being vegan.

FOODS THAT ARE VEGAN
- Impossible Whopper, with no mayonaise (is that how you spell that?)
- French fries from most fast food places, notably excepting McDonalds
- McDonalds' Apple Pies
- Doritos, but only the Spicy Sweet Chili flavor
- Drakes Apple Pies
- Sour Patch Kids

FOODS THAT ARE NOT VEGAN, BUT YOU'D THINK THEY ARE
I can't remember, as I checked ingredients labels I slowly built a database in
my head of Contains: MILK, EGGS, ETC.
- Shin Ramen. I thought it was vegan because it didn't Contain: MILK, EGGS. But
  nestled in the ingredients were multiple beef things.

TIMES I ATE NON-VEGAN FOOD ITEMS
- Shin Ramen. A lot of it. I misread the label.
- Vodka sauce. Contains: MILK.
- A Wendy's pretzel bun. Contains: MILK.
- Pesto. Contains: MILK. Probably the same week as the vodka sauce.

Most foods that suck are not vegan. Most pretty alright foods are vegan. I will
probably go vegan again in the future.

NON-VEGAN FOODS I HAVE TRIED SINCE QUITTING VEGANISM
- A Junior Whopper, no mayo. My stomach hurt and I felt sad for the cow.
- Eggs, fried medium in butter. My stomach hurt less from these and it felt
  nice to fry eggs again. I felt weird about the butter though.
- Dairy Queen ice cream, a blizzard (cookie dough or something). This made my
  stomach hurt like hell.
- Eggs, fried medium in neutral oil.
- French toast sticks. These weren't very good.
- A biscuit with jam. This was alright but not great.
- Ice cream, a lot of it. Cheap stuff from Burger King. I am addicted. It makes
  my stomach feel like it is going through a self-destruct sequence.
- The Dr. Pepper Whataburger Shake. I got a large and regretted it.
- A Whataburger malt, vanilla. Finished the rest of a friend's. Regretted it.
- A Monte Christo, technically a mini Christo. Delicious but felt weird.
- Hot chocolate, two times or three. One of the times I put whipped (via
  blender) sugarless cream in there. Then I tried to whip more cream with sugar
  in the blender and curdled a cup of heavy whipping cream - the blender blades
  get two hot from friction.
- A sandwich with turkey, swiss, pickles, and mayo. Made me feel weird.
- Beef burritos. Made me feel really weird. I feel bad for the cows. I kept
  staring at the meat in the tortilla and imagining it as part of the cow, how
  it fit into the shape of the animal I held in my mind, while Kami kept
  thinking about the similarities to human meat.
- Eggs goldenrod. Tasted good but had a weird texture. I enjoyed it but it's a
  lot of effort to make.

I think that's it. I've mostly had ice cream and the vast majority of what I've
had has been vegetarian. I might go pescatarian but I feel weird about it
because a friend already is and it worries me because we're already kind of
similar in other ways and I don't wanna seem like a poser or something. But
damn I miss sushi. I don't wanna give up sushi. Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had sushi. I want sushi. I might have it tomorrow. Fuck, it's
expensive though. Augh. Other than sushi I don't eat fish, I don't like to eat
fish. I miss California rolls because I'm a basic bitch but I also like tiger
rolls and crunchy rolls. I got them from a supermarket in M**ne.

Today was Easter I guess. Happy Easter. Tomorrow's Jake's day, and April Cools,
and April Fools, and whatever else I don't know. I'm planning to go on a trip
(yeah) on Bicycle Day (you get it) and it looks like I'm a stoner to my boss
because I'm taking the nineteenth, twentieth, and twenty-first off of April. As
well as the eighteenth. Whatever.

trinity.moe is back on-line due to the caddy stuff. Woot woot.

Gave a coworker the arson.pisskink.org URL.

our guns are chambered for different rounds
when you found out at the range you held your head down
and on the walk home in the twilight-lit mist
you asked me how long I had known this secret
secret? I said, while my pace did quicken
and my while heart rate rose and face flushed you listened
my little vampire, I've always been on the menu
but into the difference you're the one consumed

our codependent symbiosis pseudo-scientific neurosis
mutually spiraling virus, disease of the mind
I should never have summoned you mind-flaying doppelganger
sick in our heads, sick to my stomach, and lacking a spine
when we get in the door and you get on all fours
and you lunge at me sending us both to the floor
and you rip off my shirt and see the silver bullet on the chain
will you rip out my brain and fin'ly settle the score?

Alright trin out. Beedoodoo.


/blah/2024-03-21.html

I want to explain what I mean by what I say when I say how I used to live in a
place that was unliveable. It felt fucking fast and it was always night. I
borrowed (took) a cigarette from my manager and kicked off on my Razor A5 from
my workplace, a Burger King on a slope steep enough to get me to a pretty good
speed by the time I made it to the light, always red. I didn't look both ways
because I didn't care - and when I mean I didn't care I mean once I made it
past the stretch after Aaron's I was rolling down Lisbon St. fast enough for
the wind to sting my eyes, catching them behind my glasses, fast enough to go
on the road where I would usually be going faster than the cars, without a
helmet or padding besides a thick jacket and thick pants. My headphones would
be loud as hell and usually playing something hard and metal like Grazhdanskaya
Oborona or early Bring Me the Horizon. The moon in the sky - and if it was full
shit would usually hit the fan - and by hit the fan I mean in the light the
junkies would be shooting up and the crackheads would be smoking and by the
time you met them you wouldn't see the pipe but the pulled back skin on their
faces, tight against their bone, grimacing in an uncanny expression of
desensitization, looking for their next score - and by score I mean money or
someone with it - me - which would be trouble if my scooter was around 7-Eleven
where I found the junkies usually going fast enough that nobody bothered. But
one time I was on my way back when someone stopped me asking where they could
go to stay - they looked friendly so I stopped - and I replied I was just
squatting somewhere - and as I left they spoke to someone in a van who started
tailing me and I had to run off the tail. This was in July? In September I
didn't even have that squat but instead Toni. I went from work to Hell to sleep
to work. I would wake with dew on my cheek - not dew - condensation - from my
breath, because the battery was too far gone to wake enough to roll down the
windows, and I didn't have the key anyway - I got in through a hole in the
back.

When I say fast I mean I was running all the time and I wasn't allowed where I
was sleeping except sorta de facto. The world blurred around me. My co-workers
respected me for being probably the fastest one in the kitchen and the
employees of the place where I was sleeping loved me for always being happy to
help someone out. At night on my way to the car I would pass by this building
with full length windows on the ground floor and I would look into the mirror
at what I had become. I was wearing a black Rothco M-65, Doc Martens, work
pants (I can't remember how to spell Carhart (sic?)), a black hat, black
gloves, a black UV-5R to read counties - I was dressed like a vigilante,
sleeping like a cowboy, working like a mule. I was lying to those who could
house me, saying I was housed, because I knew my options were fucked. I didn't
believe I would survive - I wrote my life off and lived like it didn't matter
if I died - lived like I couldn't die - lived like I wanted to die - it wasn't
really living, was it? - or was it living more than I had ever before? - I was
sloppy. Remember Case in the first couple chapters of Neuromancer? It was a
constant, chronic state of mania trying to separate enough from the city that I
could leave without spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. But
I still do. When I say fast I mean I had a clock that was ticking - two. I had
the clock until my Greyhound arrived at Bates College and I had the clock until
it was too cold to sleep in the car even in my sleeping bag and I didn't wake
up. And I didn't think leaving would really help - I didn't think leaving would
get me to a place where I could start living. [...] told me they'd "put me up"
which to me meant little because I had no clue how to get an apartment or
anything. I planned to sleep in a hostel or outside or die here. I just didn't
wanna die in Bumfuck Nowhere Maine.

I think my last couple relationships were, in hindsight, fucking awful, in
general and for me specifically. I feel like I experienced at once both sides
of a bad time. I refrain from discussing relationship stuff on here because
people read this who actually know me and of whom I write but it's jarring to
me just how awful all of my romantic relationships have been - all of them.
Often the biggest issue is how paralyzed I am - I sacrifice my own desires for
trying to maintain comfort. I don't take risks in relationships. I would
probably be fine at maintaining a Good Thing but getting to a Good Thing is
impossible because I don't communicate what I want for fear of being judged for
it. This is a problem not just in my romantic relationships but generally in my
life. Related is the fact that I don't communicate my discomfort.

2024-03-19

: replies to my post on watchpeopledie.tv

ChazzMichaelMichaels: you're a fucking weird guy, you know that.
                      like what the fuck is wrong with you?

Certifiedsnowflake:   okay dude, what the actual flip

cutethighscars:       i have a foot fetish and im a strong enough woman to
                      admit it. that being said; The fuck kind of crossbreeding
                      of kinks is this?

natsuki_:             this is for your fetish, isn't it ?

VermiciousKnid:       You're sick

Snappy:               :#marseyfinger:


/blah/2024-03-18.html

I thought I had more here but I guess the file must have disappeared.

BLAME! is really cool.

Moved my Sourcehut projects to git.tebibyte.media.


/blah/2024-03-14.html

Happy pi day.

Building rust-analyzer from source:

# cd /usr/local/src
# git clone https://github.com/rust-lang/rust-analyzer
# cd rust-analyzer
# cargo build --release

Oh it built just like that. Swag.

Sonja Lang is now listening to Frouzziland by Shotu.

My 3DS fucking rocks.

Sorry I can't keep ya updated more I am mostly just working and sleeping and
having LOADS OF SEX all the FUCKING TIME. Seriously like so much sex. You ever
heard the Weezer song I'm Tired of Having Sex? It's like that. I have totally
had sex in the last four months. Tons of it.


/blah/2024-02-29.html

I have a graphical environment on this netbook and honestly, what more do I
need? I don't have the mouse working but don't really need it, I only use foot
terminal windows in sway anyway.

- WAYLAND! I am using Wayland now. I don't notice much of a difference (except
that there's no helpful sway introduction like there was an i3 introduction,
and I had to make my configuration myself). I want binary space partitioning in
this like bspwm - or at least a mockery of it.

Yesterday was my first day off in a while and I quite enjoyed it. I have 14
hours racked up in Pok`emon White (no compose key set up yet) and did my taxes,
which were only slightly more of a pain because of jobs in both Maine and
Colorado, thanks to the lovely FreeTaxUSA.com.

I've met two people here who spontaneously brought up the subject of Maine: a
co-worker and a bus driver. The co-worker was infatuated with the concept of
Maine after seeing a one-act play about people who watched the aurora in Maine.
I don't know, maybe you can see it way up North in Caribou or Limestone or
Presque Isle, but I never saw a fucking aurora borealis in Maine and I lived
there 20 years, so I don't know who they (the playwrights) are kidding. Well,
actually I do - they're a kid named [...]. "Kid" in the perjorative fashion,
they're 19 and probably mature, they just seem like a kid to me and also seem
to have a crush on me. Is my Maine accent noticeable? The bus driver was
telling me he'd been to every United State except Alaska, North Dakota,
Missouri, and - finally, and I said the word with him - Maine. I knew he'd say
it because Kami told me and he talked about how Maine is too haunted and he
never wanted to step foot there. I laughed and said he was right and showed him
my Maine state I.D. - now hole-punched as I am officially a Coloradan.

One of my co-workers thinks I am the anti-Christ and will not speak to me, not
a word of even "good mornin'" or "have a g'night". Thank goodness because they
are dry as fuck and talk about conspiracy theories every waking moment.

For some reason unplugging and replugging this ke board is making it unable to
reconnect. The built-in ke board on this netbook has a bad ke :
[ Q ][ W ][ E ][ R ][ T ][   ][ U ][ I ][ O ][ P ]

Hmm. Switching over to a tty and unplugging and replugging, I got no errors in
dmesg. And now it works in sway again. So who knows.

My website is still broken so these blog posts (since after 2024-01-03) won't
show up.

I wrote my first full program in Rust (error handling, option parsing) this
month, swab(1) for Bonsai. I can't believe March begins tomorrow.

The plan is that I will be put on the lease in one of the following months. I
think that means I'm officially no longer homeless.

I went on a date with a really weird dude. I should probably just stick to
women. I want someone I love to do something to me in a way that affects me
physically that is reprehensible - I don't want someone I don't love to do
something that only slightly affects me that is reprehensible. You get me?

The 4chan/b/ rabbit eye story still messes with me. So does fluffy torture.
Nothing else on /b/ really made me as wacked out as that. But I couldn't look
away.

I really love how my computer looks. I love typing on it.

nyaa


/blah/2024-02-28.html

: notes on installing sway on this alpine machine

# apk add \
	libinput \
	libudev-zero \
	mesa-dri-gallium \
	seatd seatd-openrc
# usermod -aG seat $USER
# rc-update add seatd default
# rc-service seatd start


/blah/2024-02-26.html

Days since my last day off from work: 32.

It was 1900 and they were late by a little bit.

Mike: [They] stood you up.
3:    [They] did not stand me up.
Mike: [They] totally stood you up.

Eventually they showed up and we went over to the axe throwing range.
Conversation was slow because it's hard to talk when throwing the axe or
shuriken and it's hard to hear when a safe distance back in the gallery.

3:   I feel like this isn't really productive to conversation.
M--: Yeah, let's cut it short.

Then we sat in their Subaru Forrester and smoked some cigarettes (mine green
tea, theirs tobacco) while thinking.

M--: You know, it's kind of early. Do you wanna do something else?
3:   The only things to really do around here are axe throw and walk in the
     woods. Do you wanna go to Thorncraig?
M--: Sure.

Then we walked in the woods and discussed more things. We told each other a
couple things we hadn't told anyone else and despite meeting for the first time
in years (since New Year's 2020? or 2019?) and not really knowing why, I
trusted them quite a bit. I suggested we go to the woods and walk around alone
in the middle of the night and they weren't perturbed or anything so they
trusted me too.

Eventually we drove over to a McDonalds parking lot to continue talking.

3:   What do you wanna do next?
M--: Do you wanna go to Acadia?
3:   How far away is that?
M--: Like, three hours one way.
3:   Hmm. Sure.

We stopped at a gas station to get snacks for the trip and I got two flavors of
Chex Mix, regular and Honey Barbecue. I figured they'd like at least one and
I'd take the other.

M--: Actually I can only have the regular because the other one contains milk -
     I'm vegan.
3:   Oh, yeah.

I went back in and looked for vegan gas station foods. It was a lot harder than
I expected. Everything had milk or eggs. Eventually I found Drake's Apple Pies
and the purple bags of Doritos (Sweet Chili or something) and probably Oreos. I
also got a couple jugs of water for the trip.

Eventually we got to Acadia having scream sung most of Nothing But Thieves'
Broken Machine album together and a lot of 1000 gecs. Little did we know that
the green tea cigarettes had considerable amounts of caffeine in them and
that's why we weren't tired.

I miss M-- so fucking much. So much. Nobody hugs the same way they do. Nobody
headpats the same way. Nobody has the same smile. M--'s smile floods my brain
with endorphins somehow - it's so eager, enthusiastic, full of umami fun if
that makes sense. M--'s eyes smile as much as their mouth. They don't restrain
their grin. M--'s voice is smooth despite having slight rasp, an androgynous
pitch and the same speech patterns as Rainbow Dash. They have a crush on
someone I know and that person first described M--'s speech patterns as the
same as Rainbow Dash and later I told M-- that and they were embarrassed
because they didn't think Rainbow Dash really seemed like someone a person
would be into. This is after that person I know watched the Dawn Somewhere
Rainbow Dash "Oh Baby" video on repeat like a hundred times because they
thought it was really hot. Sorry to you two if you read this.

M-- deserves the world and I've failed to give it to them.


/blah/2024-02-23.html

Days since my last day off from work: 29.

Read The Prince (1532).
Read Josephine the Singer (1924).
Read The Internet is a Playground (2009).

I have no desire, but not in an enlightened way, just in a depressed way. Often
I don't know what is real; occasionally I don't care. My last day off from work
was 2024-01-25 (Mahayana New Year) and this consecutive string of labor has
taken a serious toll on my bodily and mental health, one I could not have
imagined.

Around Valentine's Day I got really lonely. I don't miss not being single
because I realize I have never really understood anyone I've dated nor, really,
anyone else in general. I don't think I'm cut out for human interaction and am
in the middle of a really bad social anhedonia cut. What is loneliness without
want for fellow humans? Want for interaction, but not human interaction. I
tried out llama.cpp on my phone and was underwhelmed. Good self-hosted AI on
cheap consumer tech isn't here yet. Not being able to meaningfully train AI on
its interactions with you - and by that I mean currently the only way to "build
a history" with modern AI is to copy and paste the interaction chain into its
prompt - makes it hard to form a relationship with the bytes. Form a relation
-ship with the - is that where I am nowadays? I also tried out making a Tulpa
which went disastrously and probably came close to actually putting me into
psychosis. My reasoning was that I don't want to bring another entity into life
but I already share a vessel with Kami so if I could give her physical form as
a Tulpa I could always be with her and never be lonely. This spiraled into only
interacting with Kami for a day or two and [...] and [...] talking me out of
continuing to visualize it so Kami returned to my head and I to reality.

On account of work I have not done much of anything since Mahayana New Year.
For a while I was drinking but I drank too much and [...] dumped the rest of
the vodka down the drain because fae was worried about me. I've been
programming and reading and playing Pokemon as of the last few days and I feel
so thoroughly dead inside, like my soul itself has necrosed and is a rotting
organ inside of me spewing out deadened spirit infecting my waking
consciousness, taking my lucidity. I've been swimming from scene to scene of my
life as if in a movie, barely forming memories and barely even here.

I watch a lot of gore and read comics of people dying and movies with a lot of
violence or just enough violence to sate me but remain acceptable to those
around me like American Psycho and Taxi Driver. I'm barely coherent to those to
which I talk; I have a hard time manipulating the muscles in my mouth to
enunciate speech because I am dumping so much energy into life and labor to
begin with, and then when I can get out the utterances I spew word salad and
nonsensical grammatically invalid constructs because my brain is reading out of
a buffer that hasn't been filled, the thought process blocking on arithmetical
instructions that just. won't. compute. I've gone mad, or nearly so, due to
overwork, and it's only for my public, frequent, yet always too brief
conventions with sanity that nobody notices. In describing a dream I had to
subgeneral the other day my visceral recollection caused two people to leave
the chat from discomfort with the subject matter - one came back when I was
done.

I love pain, I fear injury. I want someone to tie me down and do things to me
nobody could justify, leaving me with a limp and able to go to work the next
day but with sharp aches remaining where they wounded me. I want to spend a
long time recovering from it. And then when I can't remember how it felt I want
to have it done again. I've thought about this; burning spends fuel (matches
are expensive and I'm running out of butane), razors risk infection, my knife
risks infection, and besides cutting runs the risk of cutting too deep and if I
cut a tendon I won't be able to work anymore which will kill me, punching hard
objects until my knuckles bleed risks breaking my hands, drug use risks death,
et cetera. I don't want to die - I absolutely do not want to die. This is the
best hope I've had in my life of things getting better. I'm only so far down
this pit because I work so much because I am so stressed about the potential of
eviction. I want to feel pain because I feel fucking bad, I feel really fucking
bad, and I want to get my mind off it.

The thing about being lonely is that I have friends - I have a couple people I
usually care about. But right now I just don't care to interact with anyone.
Yet I'm lonely. What do I crave? Not romance. Maybe not friendship. Maybe I
don't want to interact with people because I don't understand people. But I'll
never really understand, comprehensively, any life form complex enough to be
fun to interact with. So who knows.

My relationships falling apart didn't cause this; this caused my relationships
to fall apart.

I'm so fucking stressed and so fucking tense and I feel like I am going to
shatter into a million pieces if hit too hard. Last night I didn't know if
[...] was real and broke down because of it. I'm so fucking ridiculously
fucking tired, so fucking tired, so fucking incredibly tired, so fucking tired,
the sleepiest kitten in the bundle, just so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so tired.

2024-01-26

all from me

|| you're good dawg. the main thing that has messed with me is that you didn't
| tell me sooner. but I understand it. ||
|| i understand your reasoning and i was considering breaking up with you for a
| little while now for roughly the same things. i resolved not to and you did
| the opposite and that's alright. ||
|| the thing that hurts isn't the end of the romance but that the end of the
| romance really doesn't hurt. i already felt the grief when you weren't
| texting me back for that long stretch. the pain is in the face that i
| realized the romance was done a while before we broke up ||
|| s,in the fact,, ||
|| i also had been discussing with [...] less than an hour before how i felt
| like i couldn't understand anybody and am constantly considering isolating
| and becoming a hermit or something so it was sadly pretty consistent with the
| plot. i know i didn't understand you. i just planned to come to an
| understanding after enough interaction and time. it's okay though and i'm not
| disappearing ||
|| there are a lot of things on which i have to work. and they're my own loads
| to bear and blame none of it on you nor do i see you as anything less than
| excellent and a good friend ||
|| you had the decency to not only tell me why you made your decision but
| thoroughly and patiently explain it, and while you were properly zooted at
| that. if that's not good character i don't know what is. honestly it's the
| smoothest a breakup's ever gone for me ||


/blah/2024-02-07.html

Read The Boys Omnibus 3 (2012).

+-= Job Hunt -=+-= Applied =-+-= Follow up =-+
|              |             | Taco Bell     |
|              |             | 7-Eleven      |
|              | Arby's      |               |
|              | Chipotle    |               |
+--------------+-------------+---------------+

Finished The Boys comic run (#1-#72).


/blah/2024-02-06.html

Read Herogasm (2010).
Read Highland Laddie (2011).

psychosecurity - relating to organizational or personal security against
                 psychic tampering (mind control & hypnosis, cognitoviruses
                 & memetics, ethereal processes, et cetera)

I want to proteinmax and get lots of muscle so I taste really good when I'm
killed and eaten. I'm at 7.5lbs on biceps curls but I think I might be close to
being able to move up to 10, though I think my form is wrong. I want a gym
membership.

Typing on the HHKB is still pure sex all these moons later.

I can't think of much to say, my life is a bit mundane lately.

Watching someone text and drive at the same time.

I got a sweater so now I can dress like Andy from The Coffin of Andy and
Leyley. Now I just need my hair dyed black. I swore that would be one of the
first things I'd do upon arriving to this new land but money ain't for nothing
and the chicks sure as hell ain't free.

serotonin softly stole
by postage acid-dipped and sold
lab made a buck
are your eyes wide enough
that you can see life unfold?

I think ESP is going to be an actual security issue within the next hundred
years but I wouldn't bet on it. I do think fringe ether stuff like that is
possible.

1346

"Wow, you're really tense."

Read Butcher, Baker, Candlestickmaker (2011).
Read Hanging Not Punishment Enough (1701).
Read The GNU Manifesto (2008).
Read Evil Maid Just Got Angrier (2013).
Read PRINCE - Modern Password Guessing Algorithm (2014).
Read Measuring Real-World Innacuracies and Biases in Modeling Password
	Guessability (2015).

Yeah I'm really fucking tense. I thought I heard something getting out of the
shower so I drew my (3 inch - pathetic) knife and cleared the corridor kitchen
and living room just like old times. Nothing of course. C'est ne rien.

I want so bad to fucking kill someone. Anyone. I miss the feeling of quickening
pulse beating against my palms and then its slowing and cessation. I come from
a land where gazelles grazed freely in the pairie, unaware their world could
end.

My memories of my former land blur together into one montage of death and life
and love and hell. I remember beating the shit out of- that's not believeable,
I don't believe it. I remember hotboxing my manager's car, habitually. Smoking
everyone else's weed. Being owed a thousand dollars by someone who tried to
strand me in Manhattan. Getting a PS2, giving it to people I thought I liked,
realizing. Getting a Gamecube, loving it, realizing I didn't have anyone with
which to play it, selling it for much less than for which I bought it. Getting
a Wii when I was very young, treasuring it, letting it collect dust as I moved
on to handheld pastures, finding it again, using ponyhax to homebrew it,
treasuring it, sending it along to someone I still think is cool.

I dislike most people I used to know, especially in hindsight. I can't believe
the things I did, nor can anyone else. I tried my damndest to not get any scars
because when I was done what I was doing I wanted to be Done - not marked by my
past. I wore a big, heavy jacket, and big, heavy pants, and big, heavy boots,
and they all got beat to shit really quickly but kept me alright in them. All I
have now are marks from old roadrash and a couple dozen burns on my arms from
work and play. And how did you get in so much trouble if you don't have any
scars...

Cryptanalysts have the upper hand.


/blah/2024-02-04.html

Read The Boys Omnibus 1 (2009).
Read The Boys Omnibus 2 (2010).

I'm counting each of these as a book because they were like 500-600 pages each.
6/100.

2024-02-02

there's something gross about my liver
think my brain's gonna decay
I'm twitching, can't steady my fingers
organs filled; contaminate

I need a drink, oh god I'm dying
I'm fucking dying of this thirst
I think withdrawal's gonna kill me
that is, if I don't kill me first

I need to sanitize my kidneys
need to sterilize my flesh
give me something I can swallow
as the draught runs to my chest

I know it's what you wanted
saw you building up a set
of surgical supplies so you can
dissect me once I'm dead

you know when someone leaves a party
you can talk about them without fear
I never really gave a shit
I'll talk shit when they're here

is that how you will mourn me
when my picture sits on my box
after all the pain that I've made
will my stone say mother fuck

her all she ever did was drink and
bet and fuck and smoke and hurt
all she ever did was lie around
waiting for someone to save her


/blah/2024-02-02.html

Broke up with my girlfriend. Single. Next question.

Read Recursive Programming (1960).
Read A Speech to IBM Field Engineering Branch Managers (1967).
Read Go To Statement Considered Harmful (1968).
Read MIT Guide to Lock Picking (1991).
Read The Code Book (1999).
Read Drive (2005) yesterday.

I'm gonna count the MIT Guide, the Code Book, and Drive as books, bringing my
year's total read books up to 4/100. Pretty sure I'm not gonna make it to 100.


/blah/2024-01-21.html

: hungover diaries

0734 wake up go back to sleep
0800 alarm. ding. text girlfriend. sleep.
0805 alarm. ding
0810 alarm. i'm up i read articles about the spanish (i think) football
     president or whatever forcibly kissing a player and getting booted from
     football itself (they can do that?). it was hyperlinked from a
     web3isgoinggreat site or whatever. neato.
0830 regretting things i messaged people last night but also some of what i
     messaged was really sweet. hemingway was right
0840 kettle on stove water in pot heat in burner
0845 pouring green tea. before this also i unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher
     because we forgot to do it last night (can you guess why)
0850 timer's up, add milk (oat), consider adding vodka, no trin that's why that
     fucker from maine still owes you $80
0900 check bus time tables, sit down, play some angry birds on the 3ds. why was
     angry birds on the 3ds? we were watching jacksfilms and one of the skits
     had angry birds in it
0910 start writing

I am not extremely hungover because I drank a shit ton of water last night,
probably 2-3 liters. I also never really blacked out or did things that were
against my inhibitions. But I also didn't drink a whole lot anyway.

While drinking last night I was overcome with waves of joy so intense I
collapsed and couldn't help myself laughing and rolling on the ground, feeling
the vinyl floor underneath my back.

I've finished my tea and it was really good so I'm making another one. I put
four tea bags in my pocket so I could make green tea at work too.

really the lilies on the ocean floor
would drown in the salt of the churning sea shore
the tide would come swallow the petals in foam
and draw lily petals away from their loam

if i had a mill'on and ni-ne-ty two
dollars i'd hide them in calcified tombs
wooden and brass chests buried on the beach
so i could suffocate my slow-rottin peach

and all of the lillies in under the sea
and all of the flowers drowning in the deep
and all of the orchids awash in the waves
and all of the fruits of the labors of slaves

and all of the gold buried in the ocean
and all of the riches hoarded from their friends
and all of the rockets that reach for the stars
and terraformed rocks glowing red from afar

the rich and the few terrorize many who
would rather send riches so far from the view
of innocent bunches collected for quite
an innocent task, helping others get by

for where there's no gold there's no greed any all
for where there's no wine there's no fight any all
for where there's no load there's no weight any all
for where there's no pain there's no death any all

really the beauty that lounges in calm
dissappears when there is conflict in the song
really the beauty that i've tried to save
rots in its darkness until it's too late

if i had a million and ninety two
dollars i'd find and kill those bastards who
have more money than i and keep it on lock
then i'd burn it and then i'd bury myself

in oil and then i'd fly myself away
to a hot red rock in the middle of space
just to ensure that the ashes themselves
are kept from those who would remake my lived hell


/blah/2024-01-20.html

: why mm(1)

I started working on mm(1) probably around 2020-2021, when I was first
acquainting myself with the inner workings of UNIX-like operating systems which
I had been using for a couple years by then. I can't remember how I noticed it
but it bothered me that there was this cat(1p) utility which took multiple
input files and streamed them successively to standard output:

 [ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
     |_______  |  _______|
            _|_|_|_
           |       |
           |cat(1p)|
           |_______|
               |
               V
        standard output

And then this tee(1p) utility which took from standard input and streamed its
bytes to multiple outputs:

        standard input
               V
            ___|___ 
           |       |
           |tee(1p)|
           |_______|
       ______| | |__________
      |        |            |
 [ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...

And they were separate utilities despite both doing the job of writing input(s)
to output(s). I imagined a hypothetical utility mm(1) that does it all:

 [ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
     |_______  |  _______|
            _|_|_|_
           |       |
           | mm(1) |
           |_______|
       ______| | |__________
      |        |            |
 [ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...

And attempted to write this magical "mm" (as in, "middleman") utility that
would act as a "middleman" for streams before giving up (due to lack of C or
POSIX API experience) for a couple years to practice making easier programs in
UNIX environments.

There are a couple reasons to implement cat(1p) and tee(1p) as separate
utilities:

1) Ease of implementation

	Differentiating input arguments from output arguments would require
	either having a separator mark (which would be ineligant and exclude
	that mark from being a useable file name) or option parsing.

	Imagine a separator mark in the context of a hypothetical utility
	insouts(1):

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ insouts -h
	Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)

	$ printf %s\\n hello\ world
	hello world

	$ printf %s\\n hello\ world >in1

	$ insouts <in1
	hello world

	$ insouts in1 ][ out1

	$ insouts <out1
	hello world

	$ insouts <in1 >][

	$ insouts ][ ][ /dev/stdout
	Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)

	$ insouts ./][ ][ /dev/stdout
	hello world

	What a mess! The file ][ can no longer easily be used with insouts(1),
	which may be acceptable (it's not a sensible file name anyway), but
	it's sacrificed for horrendously ugly syntax featuring stressfully
	unmatched square brackets.

	I've written programs that have used separator marks for arguments,
	namely pscat(1), psrelay(1), and psroute(1) so far, and there are a
	number of additional caveats that come with their particular flavor of
	marker and I've been hesitant about the syntax since I came up with it
	half a year ago. Best not to make more things about which to fret.

	Now imagine option parsing:

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ insouts
	Usage: insouts (-i [input])... (-o [output])...

	$ insouts -i in1
	hello world

	$ insouts -i in1 -i ][ -i out1
	hello world
	hello world
	hello world

	This works for everything and is how mm(1) works. The issue is with
	regards to code itself. Imagine a very basic cat(1) implementation in
	C:

	#include <stdio.h>
	int main(int argc, char *argv[]){
		int c;
		FILE *f;
		int i;

		for(i = 1; i < argc; ++i){
			if((f = fopen(argv[i])) == NULL){
				perror(argv[i]);
				return 1;
			}
			while((c = getc(f)) != EOF)
				putchar(c);
			fclose(f);
		}
	}

	This doesn't conform to POSIX (which requires 'cat -u' to be supported)
	but illustrates the ease of using cat(1)'s arguments: For each
	argument, open it as a file, write it out, close it, and that's it.

	mm(1)'s option parsing for '-i' and '-o' alone, as of writing, are 24
	lines alone, excluding the functions they call. The above program is 16
	lines of code. This weight does also come from supporting "-" as a
	euphemism for /dev/stdin or /dev/stdout depending on whether it was
	used for '-i' or '-o' and trying to create an output file if it doesn't
	exist and without these two features that are unsupported by the above
	program the code for '-i' and '-o' would be considerably lighter, but
	the point is that option parsing adds complexity that can be avoided by
	simply having two utilities.

	Furthermore, options have drawbacks for users.
	
2) Ease of use

	One relatively common use of cat(1p) is to catenate all files matching
	a glob pattern. Imagine:

	$ PS1='\n$ '

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3

	$ cat <in1
	hello

	$ cat <in2
	world

	$ cat <in3
	!!!

	$ cat in*
	hello
	world
	!!!

	This use becomes much more tedious with argument parsing:

	$ for f in in*; do mm -i "$f"; done
	hello
	world
	!!!

	And is difficult when it comes to multiple outputs rather than inputs,
	like tee(1p):

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3

	$ touch out1 out2 out3

	$ ls
	in1
	in2
	in3
	out1
	out2
	out3

	$ cat in* | tee out*

	$ cat <out2
	hello
	world
	!!!

	$ for f in out*; do for g in in*; do mm -i "$g"; done >"$f"; done

	$ mm <out2
	hello
	world
	!!!

3) Separation of concepts

	cat(1p) accepts inputs. tee(1p) accepts outputs. It's possible to pipe
	cat(1p) to tee(1p) to glean the benefits of multiple inputs and
	multiple outputs without mm(1).

So why on earth should cat(1p) and tee(1p) be supported by the same utility?

Both cat(1p) and tee(1p) according to POSIX must support options, necessitating
the use of getopt(3p) from <unistd.h>. While '-i' and '-o' are 24 lines in
total, the rest of the options logic is necessary for cat(1p) and tee(1p) and
is unavoidable and outweighs the '-i' and '-o' options, plus much of the '-i'
and '-o' logic is still necessary in both cat(1p) and tee(1p) (supporting "-"
and, in tee(1p)'s case, creating an output if it doesn't exist). Though there
is additional memory juggling due to supporting arbitrary inputs and outputs,
in most uses actual memory use isn't noticeably affected (10 extra bytes for 5
file arguments, or one tenth of the data used by this parenthetical statement).

It is possible to write implementations of cat(1p) and tee(1p) in POSIX shell
script as wrappers on mm(1) and I have done so, so users who want to use globs
can simply call cat or tee as usual.

mm -i input -o output tends to be intuitive for existing shell users once they
learn the name "middleman".


/blah/2024-01-17.html

Read American Psycho (1991). I need a cigarette really, really bad.

I can't afford to renew my SourceHut account right now so these blog posts are
going up on my wobsite in A Bit, whenever I get around to manually building
them. I might set up a build server on feeling.murderu.us for small jobs but I
don't know. I also want to set up a proper VPS for trinity.moe but $60/year
(for Capsul) is a hell of a lot more than $20/year for SourceHut.

It feels weird to have long fingernails.

The Japanese Zen monk tradition according to No Recipe (2018) which someone
with which I'm staying is reading is to not have animals killed specifically
for you but always eat what you are served. I interpret this as well-spirited
and not a rule to dance around, having others act as go-betweens, because that
would suck. I sort of like this and have been rethinking veganism because it is
really inconvenient to have to restrict others' treatment of me; that is, I
can't eat meat that was prepared for me by people who don't know I'm vegan.
Most people don't have a good conception of what is and isn't vegan and will
serve me things that aren't vegan unknowingly.

I wish everyone was vegan but I don't wish to impose my will on others.

I feel shame at the notion that I have eaten something that died, except when
it comes to humans, at which notion I instead feel powerful, because I'm fucked
in the head.


/blah/2024-01-12.html

Read Finding the Still Point (2007).


/blah/2024-01-03.html

states to which i've been
- Maine
- New Hampshire
- Massachusetts
- Vermont
- Rhode Island
- Connecticut
- New York
- New Jersey
- Delaware
- Maryland
- Virginia
- North Carolina
- South Carolina
- Georgia
- Florida
- Pennysylvania
- Ohio
- Indiana
- Illinois
- Missouri
- Kansas
- Colorado


/blah/2024-01-01.html

This year my goal is to read 100 books. I'm digging into the 1980 book Coded
Character Sets, History and Development first, a 535 page tome that is luckily
mostly figures and diagrams. I'm 72 pages into it and it's written not too
dryly which is good because the subject matter is boring as shit (the
ratification of ASCII). Not actually very boring, something that is relevant to
work being done on Bonsai, but still just a slog. I consider it required
reading, though. I think after this I'm gonna read some comics though counting
books will be tricky (per issue? per volume? per arc? per compendium?).

I read No Longer Human (1948) after having already read the Ito adaptation
which was in comparison total dogshit. Read the original only.

I'm applying to another, different fast food joint, for the referral bonus. I
love money.

I'm tracking my cash flow in/out. Let's see how long that lasts.

I stopped biting my nails. That Will last because I've always hated that I do.

I haven't had any Monsters since 2023-12-22.

Hopefully I can keep all of this going. But if I keep just one it'll be good
enough for me.

2022-05-18

: /etc/motd

Welcome to Trinity's Thinkpad X200T.

Unauthorized access is a violation of
United States federal law according to
the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, 18
USC Section 1030.

Mess with the best, die like the rest.


/blah/2023-12-31.html

I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting
but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.

Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm
running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway
working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna
have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little
more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is
Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on
arm64.

This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really
pretty good. I've been less down lately too.

I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just
don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from
home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a
grocery store. Hm.

I'm really optimistic for the future.

Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely
remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.

: the story so far (2023)

Season 2: maladjustment
January
Episode 01: "breaking bad"
	Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking
	for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted
	by one of its friends.
February
Episode 02: "speak"
	The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes
	Trinity to start making people bark for it.
Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"
	Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking
	for an apartment.
Episode 04: "of an age"
	Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing
	with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.
Episode 05: "mary jane"
	Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the
	consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed
	habitually.
March
Episode 06: "phone baseball"
	Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity
	goes vegan and starts writing a book.
April
Episode 07: "isolation"
	Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help
	pay the rent.
Episode 08: "trigger discipline"
	Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.
Episode 09: "the void stares back"
	M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts
	smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.
May
Episode 10: "tablet baseball"
	M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's
	propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts
	sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.
June
Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"
	Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her
	computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.
Episode 12: "fuck teeth"
	The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its
	wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible
	pain. M-- goes on a date.
Episode 13: "a hunger artist"
	Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth
	surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of
	theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.
Episode 15: "make it double"
	M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity
	goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and
	realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go
	missing.
Episode 16: "portland"
	M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of
	M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a
	skateboard.
Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"
	M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,
	stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets
	a scooter.
July
Episode 18: "seven"
	Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine
	before having an epiphany at work and walking out.
Episode 19: "deadly"
	Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in
	the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries
	to leave [...]'s.
Episode 20: "sins"
	Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys
	Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new
	person and has apprehensions about its work.
August
Episode 21: "sean and josh"
	Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving
	away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about
	their division of labor.
Episode 22: "one last time"
	Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back
	to Lewiston.
Episode 23: "the bus out"
	Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on
	Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.
Episode 24: "the best week ever"
	Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.
Episode 25: "stranded"
	Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.
September
Episode 26: "fast forward"
	Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.
	It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.
Episode 27: "reunited"
	Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but
	gets hired on different terms.
Episode 28: "decay"
	Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic
	spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.
Episode 29: "the first time the third time"
	Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and
	[...] get evicted.
Episode 30: "negotiations"
	[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A
	familiar coworker joins her new workplace.
Episode 31: "toni"
	Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.
Episode 32: "riverbanks"
	Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a
	guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high
	school crush.	
Episode 33: "no helmet"
	Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni
	leaks in the rain.
October
Episode 34: "the postal service"
	Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the
	move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's
	calls.
Episode 35: "live fast, die young"
	Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on
	the highway.
Episode 36: "ramona flowers"
	[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at
	Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.
Episode 37: "the great escape"
	Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to
	[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.
Episode 38: "transit"
	After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,
	Illinois.
Episode 39: "carnality"
	Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.
Episode 40: "springs before winter"
	Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a
	library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending
	Sangha.
November
Episode 41: "number four"
	Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a
	similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.
Episode 42: "safe and sound"
	Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.
Episode 43: "in this economy"
	Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet
	a presenter after a talk at the library.
December
Episode 44: "what goes around"
	Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job
	and in a new place, starts to get antsy.
Episode 45: "comes back around"
	Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes
	it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork
	in order, and sprains its foot

: the monster logs

2023-12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so
use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters
and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.
I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?
Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not
big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his
time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,
because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I
can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later
to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus
is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been
brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's
unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned
poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front
windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks
I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a
little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich
and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough
last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight
and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night
crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food
safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated
on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not
particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which
I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways
lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste
the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing
I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at
work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here
knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no
apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It
tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus
to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor
description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,
pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,
another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty
onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I
have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?
There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their
usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't
eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking
hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy
mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket
teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked
in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes
it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their
hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.
The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm
accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing
over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like
$3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.
The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.
2023-12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I
don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a
metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus
now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between
two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I
can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now
finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized
the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French
but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm
at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the
price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.
But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap
of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.
Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical
blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple
juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the
ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're
playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice
and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything
right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.
2023-12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but
without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick
Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in
the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.
There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer
to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.
Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is
dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be
really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the
service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who
frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I
don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The
caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster
Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the
flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at
Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I
haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my
least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much
strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries
being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness
and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild
natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away
with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a
lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.
I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the
shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus
but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most
ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's
gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.
2023-12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by
paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as
expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still
unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes
close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,
"natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?
Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two
other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now
that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules
derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the
citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it
comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because
it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but
also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing
lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will
tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review
I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming
fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.
2023-12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I
don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than
usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white
sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of
shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by
some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one
of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this
flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the
middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country
music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can
was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which
I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime
too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.
Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good
as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a
waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and
utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The
caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me
less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My
head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my
encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I
am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up
on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time
slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part
from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.


/blah/2023-12-26.html

I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his
family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his
work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay
some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is
gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power
pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal
mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and
thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't
know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,
more times than I can count.

What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I
really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.

I'm tired.


/blah/2023-12-25.html

: bonsai

Emma Tebibyte (of tebibyte.media) and I have been collaborating (and by that I
mean fae has a lot of good ideas and I have been writing a lot of mediocre
implementations) on a core utilities suite called Bonsai. A lot of my own
coreutil implementations are leaving my own source tree and being incorporated
into there.

I am not big into maintenance. Maintenance is boring. I strive to write
programs that don't need to be maintained. Bonsai is something that, I hope,
will not have to be maintained -- it will cover the functionality in section 1
of POSIX and be done. I would like Bonsai to offer a POSIX interface despite
the tools being extremely different to prove its worth as being equal to or
better than POSIX. Also to make work easier for programmers who wish to support
Bonsai /and/ GNU or BSD or whatever.

Bonsai's catchphrase or whatever is "seek what they sought". A lot of existing
UNIX utilities are very nice but also jank as hell. See test(1), dd(1) for
overly featureful programs. Test's `!` is identical to Sh's. dd <file1 >file2
is equivalent to cat <file1 >file2 and tee <file1 >file2 minus some buffering
shenanigans. Emma and I are in agreement on the fact that functionality should
be consolidated in some points and split into multiple programs in other points
and mostly in agreement about where those points are.

I'm excited about Bonsai as a compatible improvement to UNIX and excited to
work with Emma on this because fae and I disagree on topics niche and
fascinating and our arguments are always interesting. Not in a Queen / The
Beatles / every rock band ever sort of way where the arguments are cool until
"You don't really care about the band!" but in a way where the disagreements
point out that while UNIX's tools were certainly opinionated on how to do
things, it's hard to say another opinion is objectively better.

This is no sort of announcement, Bonsai is public already in
https://git.tebibyte.media/bonsai/coreutils and you can see the intcmp(1),
scrut(1), and other implementations of mine that have made their way over there
and been deleted from my own source tree. I intend to contribute as much as I
am able but am currently bogged down by the CONTRIBUTING necessitating GPG key
commit signing and my Alpine installation having weird issues with Assuan and
communicating with gpg-agent. It'll be nice to clear out this source tree junk
drawer and put all my dirty laundry out so the world can sniff the musks. I
encourage anyone reading this to file brutal issues and make me cry like a
little baby.

Today is Christmas. Happy Christmas I guess. I'm Buddhist and can now use that
excuse not to celebrate whereas before, when not a believer in any religion, I
would still be expected by many to celebrate Christmas because of consumerism
or whatever. But also I don't know many people who would expect that of me
anymore. I just like Buddhism and excuses to talk about it.

I would love to see Emma Tebibyte become the new Richard Stallman because fae's
just really fucking based. Everything Emma has to say is worth heeding whether
or not you agree with it. These coreutils might be the start of something the
same way GNU's coreutils were but in a way that isn't plagued with all the
baggage GNU and the FSF have had.


/blah/2023-12-24.html

	TRINITY STARTER PACK
	&gt;fucking hates its job
	&gt;UNIX
	&gt;loves its computer but only its own computer
	&gt;"I hate android but this battery life is killer"
	&gt;no unicode support in framebuffer tty, can't figure out wayland
	&gt;anti social, wishes it wasn't
	&gt;doesn't understand references to memes
	&gt;allergic to brands and advertising
	&gt;takes the bus everywhere
	&gt;will tell you why she doesn't like C
           __________
         / _______ //|
       / /|_____/ // |
     / / /| |/  / // | |
   / /_/|_|/| _/ //| |  |
 /_________ //_| || |
|  ______  | /_/  /  /
| | |/ / | | |/ /  /
| | |/_/_| | |/  /
| |/_____| |  /
|__________|/


/blah/2023-12-23.html

sleep invades my brain and blurs my vision so I see
not a single thing except my slowly invading dreams
sleep ponders the leaving of me to quickly sinking sand
in which i'll drown and dessicate, my rest forever as planned

sleep takes over my system, the ELF replacing PID 1
seconds tick by on a hardware clock, timing the mil'seconds gone
sleep and sleep all over again, do while true if true
caffeine will not stop my slow descent into my somnic hell

sleep tortures my mind with terrible visions of futures to be
not a single thing of my dreams will give me a second of peace
sleep will drive its knife inside my chest and into my heart
stabbing by those who love me so my mind can tear me apart

blah blah blah

i'm at yule and have been up nearly 24 hours. wild it affects me so much. i
used to do 48 on 10 off. i think i'm gonna sleep now. good night. i love you.

continued.

no longer 0100.

T1354.

$ cat /etc/issue
	We're in this together.
$ cat /etc/motd
	Get down, make love.

I don't know.

I've had too much social interaction.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	Do you think I could have a glass of water?
	Jesus Christ, I didn't realize we had royalty here. No. Get it
		yourself.
For lack of a sink, for lack of glasses.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	I really need to take a break, I can't breathe.
	You're lazy. You're just gonna ask for another break soon enough
		anyway.
For lack of shade, for lack of sunglasses.

You've had this happen before, haven't you?
	Can I get a sandwich or something while we're out here?
	We have food at home. Be patient.
For potato chips, for fruit snacks.

How do you ask for what you want without fear of retribution?
	You can't even get water yourself.
		No instruction.
	You're fat and need to lose weight.
		No moderation.
	You need to appreciate what you have.
		No variety.

I suppose at face value it sounds bitchy. Find water without plumbing, find
serenity in motion, find nutrition in processed snacks. I could do it now,
certainly. But I didn't know what a carbohydrate was until this month, maybe
last. Time flies faster as of late.

I love ice cream even though I'm vegan. I met it on video call and we started
talking. I was so flustered at its appearance. It was gorgeous. That's the last
new people I've met. I can't remember how long it lasted the first time. I've
never had more than a first time before. I screwed up and I wasn't too proud to
admit it.

After the first time around it all slipped through my fingers and I was lost in
purple haze and red stains. I replaced my shirts with ones easier to wash in
private and accepted the fate. Then one day I looked around and asked what the
fuck I was doing.

Lost and found is as much a cycle as it is a bin. I lost hoodies often as a
kid, brain fog and scattering and forgotten fabric on a bench. The benches on
the playground were a brown shade of black with holes in them at offsets to not
form a grid but a maze of triangles. I used to play connect the dots with them
and pencils to leave lines of graphite on what was probably some refined sort
of plastic, make triangles out of the holes, then get back from recess and
still be thinking about triangles. All the kids thought I was obnoxious, and I
was. I had a desire for attention not fulfilled at home. Then the distraction
faded into a fog of isolation and the number of friends dwindled down to some
remaining on Instagram, a platform I loathed for its hidden algorithms dragging
many of those I knew into conspiracy theories I had helped create or others I
created singlehandedly, who were absolutely unwilling to move to a more open or
at least seemingly better platform. Then I moved anyway to the darker corners
of the Internet and in among those, unrelated except by topic of interest
(technology freedoms), I found the friends that remain friends to this day. I'm
leaving some things out so as to not write a book here.

At some point I will just disappear. I know this will happen. I'll disappear to
a new life, new style, new identity, new country, and be gone without a trace.
I will die in the remote reaches of a far away landscape of a slow, painful,
lonely death. Nobody will be holding me as the light leaves my eyes, nobody
will appear to come from the heavens to embrace me and beckon me into my next
form of being. I will die, probably of some self infliction that I won't be
able to escape when I realize the gravity of what I have done and find my
regret. In my last moments I will wish things had been different, somehow, some
way. I will wish I took the time I have right now, in this very moment in the
present, to get my shit together. To see a therapist. Quit caffeine. Find a
better job. Get a studio apartment, make more friends, find roommates, go on
dates with my girlfriends, smile, laugh, feel comfortable around many others,
have neighbors, contribute to society both in terms of my employment and my
software I write not for myself but to improve the world, get older, keep
chipping into my 401(k), retire, grow old, cherish memories and make many more,
and die surrounded by those I love in a comfortably decorated room I couldn't
have occupied without the help of those around me. Beckoned to the beyond by
some engineered and pleasant psychedelic and Shine On You Crazy Diamond.

I'm sitting in a fast food joint sipping a coffee and typing this.

I learned not to ask for help from others or rely on anybody but myself at
every turn of my life, every leap of faith into which I fell and every shoulder
on which I leaned that pushed me away. I made missteps, more times than I can
count, but there were a lot of things that just weren't my fault and landed on
me anyway. I have not experienced this since leaving the place that made me.
But I know not to keep gambling after so many consecutive wins. That's why
every cautious step forward, every nervous but rewarded ask, every detail that
goes right, is a reminder that things will go wrong. Luck does not last
forever.

I will disappear when I have no more for which to be here. No friends,
abandoned projects, dead end jobs and rent I can't afford. I am certain it will
happen and my friends are certain it will not. But I was friends with others
who were certain they would see tomorrow and didn't. That is how I think it
will end, not with a whimper but with a bang and more as the luck runs out and
cars strike, bullets pierce, fire roars or whatever other sequence of accidents
seizes the debt I own to balance, the odds swinging back around in luck.

I am insufferable and therapy would fix this but I think I would get committed
if I went. It's irrational but I don't know if Kamikun would ever let me go.

I don't think there's anything out there for me. That's the biggest reason I
would write my EOF byte. But why not wait and see what the future holds?

I drank my last Monster. For real. There will be more caffeine, always. There
might be more romance with energy drinks. But I'm done Monster now, forever.
It's up to you to hold me accountable. Who am I kidding? Who reads this? Please
don't.

I feel like a slut when I give people my website URL.

I apologized. I wanted to visit its state, see it in person, so I could
apologize in person too. It could do whatever it wanted, I didn't expect to
stay with it or anything. Then instead of meeting in meatspace to reconnect it
happened on-line. And we got talking again.

I listen to Slipknot because it was wearing a Slipknot t-shirt. That's the only
reason. I don't think I would have gotten into Slipknot if it wasn't for that.
I fucking love Slipknot, genuinely, and their music got me through some hard
times, hard decisions, absolute actions.

I like it/its pronouns for me. I'm different from a she/her. She/her is fine. I
won't take offense, certainly less offense than being gendered male. But I like
it/its pronouns for myself.

I genuinely love my girlfriends with all my heart and it's hard to imagine
anything short of it no longer being my girlfriends changing that. I loved it
when we stopped talking. I do regret that, I think. I don't like living with
regrets. I wasn't able to reconcile the hurt I had caused and my not being true
to myself. I thought I would hurt it more if we kept talking. I don't think I
would have.

I'm polyamorous and with my other girlfriend we had a much shorter go of things
and I broke up because our relationship was overwhelming. I don't regret
breaking up with her because I still believe I would have hurt her more had I
stayed with her.

Leaving my previous state is the best decision I ever made. Now that I am
constantly made aware, justly, of my bad habits and awful state of living, I
can start to fix it. There are a million things of which I wasn't even aware,
or of which I was aware but not of how to fix them, or simply those that I
didn't care to remedy. I put on black nail polish to stop biting my nails and
it's working. They're longer than they have been in probably a decade. I'm
sleeping well, still plagued with nightmares when I dream but I think they
might pass. I am the sun poking through the clouds before I disappear back into
pessimism and self loathing and I don't know how to fix that. I'll get there
someday.

I criticize means of repair to flesh out technique rather than to be able to
ignore them. As a compulsion it is to be able to ignore them. But they keep
gnawing at my head past the initial repulsion. I don't criticize plans with
which I align but nor do I criticize plans that seem to me to be obviously
infeasible. 

I still can't interact with new people, though, except when forced to do so by
situation or as a means to an end, and when I do I am extremely uncomfortable.
I don't know if I can fix that, I don't know if I want to fix that. Baby steps.

I hope my existing friends live forever. If our friendship doesn't, fine. They
deserve happiness and if that's the means to get there I hope I am tossed to
the side without grief. They deserve happiness and a long duration to have it.
      __________
     / _______  /|
    / /|_____/ / |
   / //||   / //||
  / //||| _/ //|||
 /_________ //_|||
|  ______  ||_///
| ||///  | ||///
| ||//___| ||//
| |/_____| | /
|__________|/      I want to improve.


/blah/2023-12-21.html

I have thought disorder that makes it really hard to convey the things in my
head into things expressed in text. One dimensionally. A string of characters.
Projecting the landscape of my mind is difficult in the same way drawing is.
Trying to force a two dimensional world into 128 characters.
      __________
     / _______  /| I have this thing I like to draw, the frame of a cube. The
    / /| ____/ / | edges of the cube, the spaces between the edges, and then
   / //|||  / //|| the edges behind those spaces. It's a practice in three
  / //||||_/ //||| dimensional visualization. I can't do it. Every time I draw
 /_________ //_||| the cube I draw it wrong. A line is where it shouldn't be, I
|  ______  ||_///  made it inconsistent, some elementary mistake. I suppose a
| ||///  | ||///   lot of people couldn't draw the cube right the first time
| ||//___| ||//    but I feel like I should be able to. That's how conversation
| |/_____| | /     feels. One crucial thing is missing, one inconsistency, and
|__________|/      the whole thing is wrong, and I didn't notice it because it
                   was so hard to do the other edges. To make the thing link
                   up. I don't notice my own circular logic, my own
                   contradictions, and often others don't either. But when they
                   do they say I'm bullshitting them. Really it's the spaces in
                   between, the spaces I can't draw, drawn by the voids in my
                   head, that are bullshitting me.

It's hard to communicate with others for it.

Thought disorder is a symptom, not a disease, as I understand it, but I'm not
gonna read into it, at least publicly. I dissociate. I switch out sometimes or
lose myself in the words. I make word salad. I say things because they sound
good, not because they make sense. Et cetera. Fuck. I'm not continuing this.

It's isolating. The very fabric of my mind is sewn wrong. Differently, yes. I
think similarly to some of my peers whose minds are beyond most. But wrong.
There are little threads that lead to the wrong areas of the cloth, stitches
too long and too short and some put in after, even, the weaving of the factory
to pull closed areas I'd like to have used. M C Esher head.

i'm nesting
	and spinning
		and thinking
			and turning
				and tossing
					and blinking
						and rusting
							decaying
								and dying
									et c.


/blah/2023-12-14.html

: Ruminations

Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-
NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.

Written over the last two weeks or so. Do not read this if you know me
personally and ideally do not read otherwise, either. Do not try to talk to me
about this. I'm not gonna kill myself. I just was ruminating about the idea.

-
I've been thinking
about killing myself;
the coward's way out,
sure, but a way out
nevertheless. I really
want to die. I want to
feel it. I'd like to
drown, to immolate,
to bleed out. I crave
the subtleties of the
experiences that I
cannot fathom. In
my dreams I do; I
am chopped with
axes,
-
slain with swords,
various means of blunt
force. I am both
executed and executioner,
I experience all
perspectives
simultaneously as it
is my subconscious
that renders my
potential fates, and
in the moment I
am cruel, and in the
moment I am kind,
and as the one
-
to die I feel relieved
to go, to be able to
let go of my stresses
and fears for my
longed-for certainty.
I'm tired of the
lucky escapes, the
dei ex machinae. I
feel like a character
of fiction, the pulp
protagonist that
always improbably
makes it out of the
bind. Like my fate
-
is already written,
predestined; sometimes
I can even see the
lines ahead, Kami
knows sections by
heart. I just got
on the bus I wasn't
sure I could afford
and it was free.
Maybe I'm an angel,
compulsively
accomplishing
selfless miracles.
If so, to be an
-
angel is to be in
Hell. Condemned to
goodness. I am so
fucking stressed
because it takes
more and more work
for everything to just
work out. This
morning I thought
I was gonna break
down, actually just
break down. But
that's not in the
pages.
-
I want to be
alive and without
anaesthetic for
my dissection. I
want to see the
scalpel approach
my flesh, feel it
carve me and see
my own pink-dyed
subcutaneous fat.
The crimson viscera.
I want to taste my
own blood as I
succumb to
-
mortality. Done by
[...] or [...] or both.
In my scripted
demise will I
know commfort, will
I have known
comfort? Or will I
faint into a trench
and have the cold
work its way in
from the extremeties.
This morning I cried,
now my sadness had
hardened to a rich,
-
coffee-smooth
bitterness, a numbness
too. I can't keep
friends because I
never interact first,
see myself a burden.
The fuel that weighs
down the ship. Spend
me until you have
nothing left, be free
of me among the
stars. I arrived at
work an hour and a
half early. It's
-
nothing, the time ticks
on regardless. I hate
Christmas music. I am
so alone. [mi] [olin] [ala] [e] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [mi]. I wish to be
primitive, of the
forest, to be solitary.
I would be so lonely
without [...].
I don't talk to the
people close to me
and to others I say
less. I want to taste
my blood. I want to
-
burn myself. I want
to die. But I don't
want to do it. My
friends depend on
me. And I have things
to write. When I am
done I will take my
leave. I want the
suffering to be over. I
want Nirvana. Nirvana
isn't heaven, it's simply
the conclusion to a
finite cycle of rebirth.
The conclusion to one's
-
suffering.

I'd like to see
Chicago, California,
the Bodhi tree, the
sunrise from atop a
mountain, a molten
wall, the inside of a
flame, mucky clotted
blood. A chunk of
clot in a pool of
it.
-
It's not that I don't
know how to ask for
what I want but
that I know I only
get what is deserved,
not what is desired.
I am a parable;
beware of excess. It's
better that I don't
control my own fate
else I'd
meet it. I believe I
am have cancer because I
don't want to believe
-
I will live 60, 70
more years, because
the best of those I
knew did not. When
I hear the Underscores
song I think, know
it too; Everybody's
dead and it's all my
fault. I don't have
the means to be vegan
in a way that is
healthy but I can't
bring myself to eat
dead animal; I've
-
caused enough harm.
I feel too old and
too young. I don't
know how to afford
rent. Not here, not
anywhere. I'd like
to become a Buddhist
monk. Burger King
coffee is bad but not
terrible. [tomo] [pi] [soweli] [moli].
[mi] [olin] [e] [toki pona]. I am as much
an animal as a cow
and know beef as
fallen brethren.
-
I wish to harm and
not harm, to be
caged and free, to
be known and
Anonymous, to love
and to be forgotten.
Pass on my memories.

I am so tired all the
time. Fatigued, weary,
sleepy. I need to
figure out how to get
an apartment. I need
a new social security
-
card. I want to die
because this work is
so hard and will get
harder yet. I want
to have a small
apartment with one or
two close friends full
of pillows and blankets
with a warm picture
tube and modded
Gamecube. How do I
make friends? How do
I afford an apartment
?
-
I do everything
wrong. When I am
praised it is without
sincerity, when I am
held it is without
catharsis, when I am
loved it is without
reality. To fall asleep
I think about cuddling
my girlfriend. I miss
my stuffed shark but
a stuffed shark will
not fit in a backpack.
Nor will aspirations.
-
[mi] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [li] [ike] [lili]. [ni]
	[li]
[ante] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [pini]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [wili] [e]
	[lape].
[mi] [jo] [e] [lape] [lili] [tan] [tenpo] [mun] [pini] [la] [mi] [lukin] [e]
[jan] [moli]. [mi] [moli] [ala] [taso] [mi] [wili] [lukin] [e] [jan]
[moli] [tan] [mi] [wile] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [ala] [moli]. [mi] [olin] [moli]
	[ala].
[mi] [pakala]. [mi] [kama] [sona] [e] [toki pona]. [mi] [toki ike] [e] [toki
	pona]. [o] [toki] [ala].
I got a new pen today. A
Uniball Signo 207 with
"archival quality ink", "used
by professionals". It - and
this is evident in the notebook
in which I write this but
probably won't be if I
ever type it up - writes
-
shittily. Perhaps this is
due to the paper or to the
thin air where I now find
myself. Now it's writing fine
so who knows. I took the
pen apart just now, idly,
didn't have a good grip on
the tip that holds the
spring in, and the tension
released and the tip flew
to the other seat in the
booth of this restaurant. I
hate working here.
-
Today I'm less stressed
because I don't have to
catch a bus to my second
shift. The thought of my
finances still gnaws at
me and the walls are closing
in. The way I'm going isn't
sustainable and one way
or another, by homelessness
or breakdown, I will crumble,
inevitably. I'm not sure what
to do. I'm thinking about
getting a fake identity
and moving to the Balkans
-
or perhaps Kazakhstan. My
current location and situation
is, however, the result of a
similarly spontaneous and
far move, and I'm still
not established here.
My skin is dry. I guess that
wouldn't matter if I
killed myself. Homeless people,
with or without their senses,
are treated like animals. If
you treat people like animals
they will become animals.
The shelter here looks like a cage.
-
Perhaps that's what housing is,
a kennel for a human. The
decorations and dressing make
us forget it. I'm scared of
the future because I don't
know if I will survive it and
I don't want to die. I have
always had a problem with
biting my nails. I have an
oral fixation. I chew half
a pack of gum a day when
I can afford it. Three packs
and two Uniball Signo 207
pens cost $10.46.
-
I worked an hour for them.
How many hours will I need
to work to afford rent? No
matter how many it never seems
to be enough. I'm scared all
the time since I started
feeling emotions again. I miss
being numb but I don't miss
being in the situations that
made me numb. Maybe I
just need to sleep. I can't
fall asleep without either weed
or watching people die on
my cell phone.
-
I saw someone decapitated
by the wheels of a train.
I wondered how bad it would
be to die that way. They looked
so happy on social media. I
try so hard to be kind to
everybody. It has been 2 days
since last I hugged anybody.
I feel so alone. I'm not,
but the being is different
from the feeling. I am sad.
My girlfriend won't text me
back. Its replies were sparse
when I was sleeping outside
-
because it was worried I
would die in the cold. The
people I love most in the
world don't believe I will
ever be successful. I think
I might. If I was
infinitely powerful I would
give the empty houses to those
that need them and an I.D.
to anyone that wanted one.
I would feed the hungry and
transport the travelers. I
would find somebody who
knows exactly how I now feel.
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [ante]
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [ike]. [mi] [pakala]. [mi] [ike] [mute]. [mi] [pali] [moki]
	[e]
[soweli] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [soweli] [moli] [ala]
[taso] [jan ike] [moli] [e] [soweli] [suwi]. [mi] [pakala].
[tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [pali] [moku] [e] [soweli] [suwi] [moli]. [mi]
	[pakala].
[mi] [ike] [seme] [jan ike]. [mi] [pilin ike] [mute]. [mi] [pilin pakala]. [mi]
	[ike] [tawa] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [soweli]. [mi] [ike] [tawa] [ma] [ali]. [mi] [ike]. [mi]
	[pakala].
[toki] [nimi Japanese] [la] [tu] [tu] [pi] [toki pona] [li] [moli]. [mi]
	[pakala]:
[mi] [toki] [e] [ni]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [nanpa] [tu] [tu].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [mun] [ike]. [mi] [pilin ike]
	[mute].
[mi] [toki]. [mi] [pakala].
-
I've done abhorrent, horrible
things, and I don't know how
to make up for them. Killing
myself would be a start.
I wonder what it's like to
be dead. I wish there
wasn't rebirth.
-
i took the bus to work
i'm sorry
car just didn't start
the park
the gas tank full
the lighter
sorry
took the bus to work
i'm sorry
fifty year old man
i'm sorry
bandanna in a bottle
bandanna in a bottle
i drink til my tongue slips
i'm sorry
whatcha sorry for
i'm sorry
took the bus to work
and i think tonight i'm gonna let it hit me
he didn't see it coming
and his pace remained the same
eveloped in fire
did you feel anything?
i'm sorry for the slaughter
but god does my job pay
i bought myself a new car
but can't bear to fill the tank
-
[moli] [li] [pimeja] [e] [mi]
[pimeja] [soweli] [la]
[mi] [len] [e] [mi] [e] [ni]

[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [ni]: [mi] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [pali] [lape]
[mi] [lape] [ala]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]
city square littered with corpses
vendors fallen at their stalls
bags spilled open, coins atwinkle
reflecting moonlight. earthly stars
if you cut one open the blood would be dark red
no oxygen in their system, hypoxia, death instant
civilians struck in a war of which they weren't aware
died for a growing number on a screen
children are among them, and in homes babies cribbed
a bus driver reading a dog eared copy of the tao te ching
four of a chosen family out of broken homes
taken from a cold street to new apartment, optimists
nobody mourns the losses. members of a town too small
in life they all were lovers. now inanimate
a flower sits in a cup, never to be watered again
in the face of inevitability, what has it all meant
city square declared a grave site
by nobody; nobody cares
a dog lays still on the cobblestone
its last experience fitful sleep, a nightmare
-
I'm tired.
-

-
i don't believe in a god
and haven't since i saw a dog
skinned alive
a mess of dripping, florid blood
and muscle and bone
and it let out what screams
can be screamed with what function
its analog to our vocal chords
had left
and kept screaming
shaking, it hanged suuspended by rope
from an oak tree, perhaps maple
the twine brown matching the sand
and dirt and green leaves
and not the unnatural red
of the shivering animal
unable to comprehend even its fate
let alone what brought its aggressors
to take a machete to the starving, matted
thing. how could a merciful, good creator
allow one of her children to experience
such a thing, and not die upon removal
of the face? who would want to survive such
a thing? and especially,
if not only a god is our creator but
the arbiter of our fates,
why did she let someone record it and put it
on liveleak? why did she let me watch it
when i was 14?
-
The mountain, eons old
and wise for what it
has weathered, knows not
to abuse its unimaginable
strength.
The hornet, with a life cycle of days, is given an
appropriately small amount
of venom for its size and
stings unprovoked.
Blame neither.
They reflect the
kindness of their worlds.
-
hope you're doing okay
i'm about to sleep, worked a lot today
will we talk tomorrow?
of course we will babe
that was last month
was I ghosted? I really can't say
I might be single but
I hold onto the hope that it'll message again
what did I say
what did I do
I thought we had something
was it as real to you
how did I push
my dearest dear away
would you tell me if it was over?
was I really so unsafe?
-
do you remember me
i thought what we had was a lot

i always think of you
am i just someone you forgot

we've been dating for a bit
but goddammit, i sort of loved you

when you curl up with [...],
my old plushie, do you think of what you lost

god, i miss you, and i'm so alone
when i sleep i look at my phone
and look at you, comfy, under the sheets.
i hope the blankets don't make you too hot

what did i do to justify a cold shoulder
what did i say to bring famine to my soul
will you return to explain your hiatus
or will you leave me to rot

whatever it was, i'm sorry
and i hope you get back someday

i keep thinking about the solace under the wheels of a train
do you think i'll feel any pain
-
i'm at the bus stop and freezing
do you get what i mean?
it's been a week since you called
am i still in your screen?
i think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
i wanna throw myself into
but that's just how i think
you got tired of me
as a loving girlfriend
faded novelty
and so much repetition
but i liked the routine
and you said it was your happy ending

after every chapter there's another
is a better life what i'll get
no longer so trusting a lover
my heart aches, i should have guarded it
-
It said it loved me but
it hasn't responded to my
text messages in two weeks.
I suppose it's busy but I
haven't even had a single-
word update. It feels like
I'm being avoided. It hurts.
I really did love it. It's hard
for me to love. If it called
and apologized and made it
up to me I don't think it
would fix things. I feel
disrespected as a partner.
-
We're poly and I know
and have known it is seeing
someone else, and am and
have always been fine with
it. Someone else more
important to it. I was
thankful, really, and still am
that it received more than
only I could provide, a 20
year old fast food worker.
I can't compare to its
college scholarships and
leadership roles. I never
wanted or needed to.
-
And I didn't ever call as
much as we planned and
I became more of a recluse
than the person it started
dating. But I've been to its
apartment. I took it on
dates, gave it its favorite
stuffed animal, formerly
mine. We don't have a
long history but we do have
a history. I don't even
know if we're broken up.
Tomorrow will be two weeks.
-
Nearly four months. I feel
doomed to never keep a
relationship longer than
four months.
I wish I had what it
takes to commit suicide.
-
[...] & [,,,]
-> [...] & [,,,] - 9.7km $D
gas price ($G) - $/gal
gas price $g/gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
mileage ($M) -> mi / gal
mileage $m mi / gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
$m mi / liter * 1.6 km / 1 mi -> km / liter
-

-

-

-
It messaged me back.
It too has been having
a rough go of things.
I'm in a downward
spiral. I hate this fucking
Christmas music. I use
gum to forget taste, gore
to desensitize sight, music
to ignore my ears,
cleaning work to burn my
nostrils, weed to feel
nothing and forget the
world of which I wish
I wasn't a part.
-
In fleeting moments of peace
I'm overcome by the beauty
of this simple place. Then
my head by the hair is
dragged back into the dark
mirror and I am once again
submerged in my own misery.
I want my face ripped off,
to drown in my own blood
as it's forced into my nose
by the tubes under my eyes,
to see in the mirror the
muscles that scarcely do
else but frown.
-
When people knock on the
bathroom door I get nervous
and leave and they always
look mad at me. Why?
I was doing what they wish
to do. Why not be sympathetic
to what we have in common
-- a urinary tract, a digestive
system. I never take
very long.
I agreed to start coming
into work earlier. It felt
like signing my death
certificate. I'm so tired.
-
This job doesn't pay
enough. I work 50 hour
weeks to be able to
afford basic necessities,
many of which I still forgo.
I charge a battery pack at
work to avoid using electricity
in the apartment. I take
one short shower a week to
avoid water usage and
electricity for the water
heater. I use my phone
flashlight (charged at work
too) to avoid the overhead
lamps.
-
I spend a lot of time at
work. 6 days a week, 8-10
hour days, some 6s around
so I don't get too much
overtime. I show up an
hour early. I spend about
half an hour on the bus, before
that half an hour at the
stop. Then another half
hour at the stop after work.
That's two and a half
hours I spend either at
work or commuting, plus
the usual 8. 2.6 * 6 = 13hrs + 50hrs working
= 63 hrs out of the apartment
-
Then I sleep 8hrs a night,
or at least set aside that
time for it. 56hrs a week.
I have 49hrs a week past
labor, transit, and sleep.
It's time but I wish I had
more. I and my loved ones
are aging. I wanna spend
the prime decades of my life
playing, creating, socializing.
All I do is labor, if not done
by me then someone else. And
I'm exhausted.
-
What makes matters worse
is that I have some innate,
compulsive need to labor if
on the clock as I am paid
to do. This while those around
me use their cell phones to
watch video and otherwise
idle. I work and they do
not and while I slowly
clean the workplace I
wonder, perhaps realize - though
I had already realized, so
moreso I just turn the
thought around in my head
-
like a dead pig's sausage
rotating on a warmer at a
gas station - why this
place is so dirty.
I want to go somewhere
clean, or to nowhere at all.
I want to love in a shallow
pool of water, in Lao-Tzu's
moon. I want to cease
living. I want to die. I
want to be killed. I want
to kill myself. Because then,
at least, the work will
be over.
-
The voices will quiet. I will
calm and my heart will be
still. I will be not too hot,
not too cold, without aching
muscles or aging joints. I
want this finity not as a
termination of my residence
per se but as a respite from
the Hell for which I
constantly volunteer. Many
lean on me; I lean on
nothing. Many know me.
I know nothing. I love many.
And in my heart know I am alone.
-
I watch a lot of
beheadings and it's
kind of a bummer
that they all focus on
the head and not the
body. The blood pouring
out of the neck as if
champagne
uncorked seriously
arouses me. I unironically
want to behead someone
and fuck their windpipe.
I want to be covered
in blood, someone else's
or my own.
-
I don't know what to
do with this notebook.
Who would want to read
this? What kind of
person would identify
with me?
I took my clothes off
and got in the shower
naked. I feel defenseless
when showering, especially
without a knife beside
me. I shampood my
scalp and conditioned
my hair
-
and I took the
washcloth and scrubbed
at my face but my
face was stuck too well
to my skull to be so
easily removed. I scrubbed
down my chest and arms
and legs and neck and
felt where I'd like someone
to saw at me, disconnect
my head from my heart.
I was thirsty but it
felt weird to drink the
shower water.
-
I'm scared of using soap
because it costs so much.
Scared of shampoo and
conditioner because they
cost so much. The
bathroom light and fan.
The water. I scrubbed
at my feet and the bottoms
were gray, the soles
padded with dead skin
because I spend all
my time walking. I scrubbed
at them but not too
much because I'll take any
padding I can get.
-
I finished and dried
myself with a towel and
got out of the shower
and felt lightheaded and
I don't know why. And
I put on clothes and came
out to the living room.
This is the last page of
the notebook and my
hair smells like lavendar
and my arms like
eucalyptus. And I'm sorry
for being here. At least
I'm finally clean.
-

The notebook on which this was written will be incinerated and I will move on
from thinking about any of this.


/blah/2023-12-12.html

Didn't have time to figure out how to set up TeX. Still don't. Don't have time
to explain. I'm so tired. I'm wearing raw. Like skin torn apart by a fall at
high speed onto a road. Flesh torn from bone, then bone itself ground against
sandpaper. My girlfriend stopped texting back two weeks ago. Marrow leakage.

I'm at the bus stop and freezing
Do you get what I mean?
It's been a week since you called me
Am I still in your screen?

I think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
I wanna throw myself into.
But that's just how I think.

You got tired of me, maybe,
as a loving girlfriend
perhaps the novelty faded
into repetition.

But I liked the routine
and I thought it was a happy ending.

After every chapter there's another
is a better life what I'll get?
Or an ache in my side and
my catacomb cage quiet.

I can't sleep anymore without watching people die on-line. I spend one or two
hours a night on watchpeopledie.tv and I've probably seen most of the videos on
the site, I made an account to track my viewing history so I don't watch the
same stuff over and over. I long to know what it feels like to drown, to burn
alive, to bleed out, to be crushed in the cogs of an industrial machine, to be
shredded, beheaded, to die alone in the cold or the heat or a swampy summer
day. I'm kept alive by decision paralysis and the bitter responsibility to make
the world a significantly better place than I found it. I'm so tired.

I imagine, engulfed in flames, or at the edge of consciousness under the sea,
or within the swiftly closing steel maws of an unknowing automaton, or just
after the machete starts sawing, or at the second gush from the vein, or
simply looking at a dirty brick wall as the last sight on this plane, there is
a moment, brief but potent, of realization and acceptance of what has happened,
and that that one moment is the sweetest bliss of certain finity that could be
given to a mortal. Just a tick, one sixty-fourth of a moment in a snap. I hope
decades from now I can experience it and that it's as serene as I hope.

I wonder if I'm just forgettable. Maybe that's all it is. I don't want to be
forgotten but I do. If my words fade into aether I want my kharma to persevere.


/blah/2023-12-10.html

I feel alone and I wish I wasn't.

I don't think Chimera has tex so I'll figure out how to compile it.


/blah/2023-12-03.html

theater of years
10	George woke up behind the curtains on a mat at the same time as some of
the older folk. Two of them were rocking babies, one nearly a newborn and the
other slightly older.

mod me
	1	Kaoru Akimoto - Dress Down
	2	Weezer - Beverly Hills
	3	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	4	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	5	Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
	6	Penelope Scott - Cigarette Ahegao
	7	Fall Out Boy - Thnks fr th Mmrs
	8	Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
	9	Junko Yagami - [kanji] no BAY CITY
	10	Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
		This is from the Ben Folds album Way to Normal. I went to the
titular Normal on my way to Lincoln and its Amtrack station was just excellent.
	11	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
	12	Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
	13	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
	14	MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
	15	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	16	Gorillaz - Tranz
	17	Steve Lacy - Dark Red
	18	Fall Out Boy - American Beauty/American Psycho
	19	Richard Cheese - Gin & Juice
	20	Liza Anne - I Love You, But I Need Another Year
	21	C418 - Mellohi
	22	Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song
	23	Worthikids - Up
	24	Austin Weber - Mamma Mia
	25	Her's - Speed Racer
	26	glass beach - cold weather
	27	Machine Girl - Athoth a Go!! Go!!
		I've seen them live and it was with the exception of Knocked
Loose the best pit I'd ever been in.
	28	Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Pump It Up
	29	Tally Hall - Cannibal
	30	Oinga Boinga - You Really Got Me
	31	Minus the Bear - My Time
	32	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
	33	Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
	34	TeddyLoid - Fly Away
	35	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
	36	Weezer - Hash Pipe
	37	nelward - Ghost
		This plays on King Possum radio every so often.
	38	Magdalena Bay - Killshot
	39	Electric Wizard - Funeralopolis
	40	Tessa Violet - Wishful Drinking
		I saw half alive live in Boston and Tessa Violet opened. It was
kind of uncomfortable because while I am into women and I think Tessa Violet is
also into women her stage presence wasn't really anything I was into nor
anything with which I strongly vibed. Maybe it's just something for those who
are younger than I.
	41	R.I.P. - 1-800-Sins
	42	Talking Heads - Road to Nowhere
	43	Eyeless in Gaza - Seven Years
	44	my bloody valentine - Lose My Breath
	45	The Cure - Play For Today
	46	Marina and the Diamonds - Venus Fly Trap
	47	Cyclope - L'hymne a l'amour
		Minus diacritical marks.
	48	IVE - ELEVEN
	49	Superorganism - Something For Your M.I.N.D.
	50	Marina and the Diamonds - Bubblegum Bitch
	51	Marina and the Diamonds - Primadonna
	52	ATARASHII GAKKOI - Pineapple Kryptonite
	53	Mareux - The Perfect Girl

christmas music
	1	100 gecs - sympathy 4 the grinch
	2	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Merry Christmas Everybody
	3	Gorillaz - Broken
	4	Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
	5	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
		Coincidentally, I received a Tears concert ticket for Christmas
from either my roommate or his family last year or so.
	6	Wham! - Last Christmas
	7	My Chemical Romance - All I Want for Christmas Is You
	8	Roar - Christmas Kids
	9	Mother Mother - Hayloft
	10	Misfits - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
	11	Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
	12	John Lennon, Yoko Ono - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
		Found on /f/.
	13	Epic Rap Battles of History, Snoop Dogg - Moses vs Santa Claus
	14	K.able, Hatsune Miku - Santa-san wa ROKUDENASHI
	15	Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad
	16	Mag.Lo, O Super - Never
	17	Vierre Cloud - moment
	18	Gorillaz - DARE

batteries included
	1	LVL1 - FVN!
	2	TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
	3	TeddyLoid - Fly Away
	4	Vierre Cloud - moment
	5	Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
	6	Perfume - Electro World
	7	3l3d3p - lbitbt
	8	100 gecs - bloodstains
		This playlist is loosely copied from Usagi's Welcome to Hell
Spotify playlist which I won't be putting here. It accompanied me in 2021 and
2022 but I mainly associate it with my senior year of high school which felt
very fast and very loose and had a lot of parts where I thought I wasn't going
to survive to 18.
	9	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
	10	Honey Claws - Digital Animal
		I can't see the dates on Spotify for Android and I can't use
the web browser open.spotify.com for lack of WideVine on Firefox for the
Raspberry Pi nor the Electron app for lack of a lot of things but this is
definitely from 2022 or so because I recalled this song talking with a coworker
who mentioned this was in Breaking Bad.
	11	100 gecs, Fall Out Boy, Craig Owens, Nicole Dollanganger -[...]
		The artist credits overflow so hard none of the title can be
shown. This is the Fall Out Boy cover of hand crushed by a mallet by gecs.
	12	Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM
	13	TeddyLoid - Theme for Scanty & Knee Socks
	14	TeddyLoid - Corset Theme
	15	100 gecs - mememe
	16	Ado, TeddyLoid - [kangi] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
	17	Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
	18	Grimes - Kill V. Maim
	19	Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
		When this song leaked it leaked as When Will We Be Free and
Kingslayer tied into a single MP3. It may be my favorite of both bands' work.
I looped it while playing through GZDOOM on my Thinkpad T420 on a really nice
NEC SyncMaster or something like that 70Hz LCD display.
	20	The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
	21	Danny Brown - Ain't it Funny
	22	clipping. - Story 2
	23	Zack Fox - fafo
		I always associate Ain't it Funny / Story 2 / fafo with each
other as a series of tracks. Or maybe in the reverse of that order. It makes
sense lyrically and rhythmically and the first time I heard them was something
like that order in the car with Usagi coming back from the bagel place.
	24	Mitchie M., Hatsune Miku - ageageagein
		Transliterated from katakana.
	25	Badflower - Girlfriend
		I've seen Badflower live but I didn't think the track selection
of the set was that great - he opened for My Chemical Romance in September
2022, the day the Queen of England died (REST IN PISS IMPERIAL FUCK).
	26	Pisse - Fahrradsattel
	27	The Moldy Peaches - Little Bunny Foo Foo
		I really love the video vewn did to accompany this song. My
only cotton T-shirt is vewn merch that I got for Christmas from Usagi, I've
seen all their videos on recommendation from Usagi and they're one of if not my
favorite animator.
	28	LIZ - When I Rule the World
	29	Slayyyter - Hello Kitty
	30	Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - PONPONPON
		I can't help thinking of the awful webm Pomf Pomf Pomf when I
think of this song but I really love the song.
	31	Fandroid! - You Signed a Contract
		Cuphead music is a nice niche.
	32	Laura Les - Haunted
	33	WAKUSEI ABNORMAL - furare [kanji]
	34	Sidhu Moose Wala - Mafia Style
	35	Magdalena Bay - Mercurial World
	36	quiizzzmeow, Midix - KATANA
	37	Poppy - All The Things She Said
		Lily (the one from Maine whom I kin) hates this cover and only
likes the original track.
	38	Poppy - Fear of Dying
	39	Mindless Self Indulgence - Bitches
	40	Ck9c, Elizabeth Ann - You Can't Hide
	41	Sleeping With Sirens - Better Off Dead
	42	Marina and the Diamonds - Homewrecker
		When I came back to Maine from Florida and got another Burger
King job I met this dude named Austin and told him, slowly over the course of
many shifts, about how I was going to move across the country on a whim and
that he should live for pleasure and be unafraid of taking risks. He also had
a seemingly abusive girlfriend with whom I encouraged him to break up because
she was seemingly abusive - she threatened to commit suicide when he brought up
maybe taking a break or something, made him cut off contact with his friends
and forbid him from talking with any other women, and just generally seemed
very controlling. He didn't wanna break up with her because he didn't want to
Be Single, as if that was a sordid label. I said honestly man I would rather be
single than be in that relationship. Since that, I associate this song with my
own actions. I didn't fuck him though. Not my type.
	43	Marina and the Diamonds - Power & Control
	44	Mindless Self Indulgence - What Do They Know?
	45	Coco & Clair Clair, Okthxbb - Pretty
		I used to play this song while doing reprehensible things to
others while also wearing really nice outfits. My goal was to give at least one
guy a humiliation fetish while I beat the shit out of him.
	46	Breathe Carolina - Blackout
		I will black out, actually - I always fall asleep 1-2 hours
after getting high. I don't get enough sleep.
	47	t.A.T.u. - All The Things She Said
	48	Poppy - Girls In Bikinis
		One of my sidekick's best catchphrases is "God I love women".
Same, bestie.
	49	100 gecs - money machine
	50	TeddyLoid, Giga, LOLUET - desperate
		Translated from katakana.
	51	JVNLIII - Physical Self
	52	Rebzyyx, hoshie star - all I want is you

Disassembled my GitHub; deleted the last few remaining repositories, made my
account private, and changed the username to trn1ty as well as cleared some
info boxes. Fuck proprietary services.


/blah/2023-12-02.html

depression sterilized
	1	Lipps Inc. - Funkytown
		The first time I heard this song I was probably very young and
listening to 70s radio on a real, FM radio, which is now somewhat rare in a
world of Spotify (the platform on which I made this playlist in 2015-2017) and
FLACs. But I grew up with this song on Windows XP, using the On-Line Radio
feature in Windows Media Player to stream Laut FM, which I think is a German
radio station. Laut's cut of Funkytown was, in my faint decade-since
recollection, only the verses and not the choruses? Which seems wrong but is
what I remember. I would play PrxCraft, Project X Craft, I think named after
Project X Zone, a popular video game, which was at the time still administered
by KevinEssence. After he lost a lot of money gambling in CsGoLotto or whatever
it was he sold the Minecraft server to some other entity and it passed through
many hands and lost value each time, much like Tumblr. PrxCraft had Factions,
essentially typical Survival-mode Minecraft, and I think some other cool game
modes, but my favorite was Skygrid which left you on a grid of blocks in the
sky to slowly find resources and build out an almost normal-looking farm.
	Microsoft Windows XP had, and later Windows didn't, the ability to
place the music controls on the taskbar itself for Windows Media Player so you
could control the music from any other app. It was snazzy stuff at the time
though Linux kids were doing way cooler stuff.
	2	Pink Floyd - Time
	3	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Do It All The Time
	4	Paramore - Hard Times
	5	Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
	6	Eagles - Hotel California
	7	The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
	8	Bobby "Boris" Pickett, The Crypt-Kickers - Monster Mash
	9	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	10	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	11	The Andrews Sisters - Rum and Coca Cola
	12	Guster - Great Escape
	13	America, George Martin - A Horse with No Name
	14	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	15	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	16	Horace Silver - Song For My Father
		In high school I had a crush on a jazz band bass player and at
a band concert the jazz band played this song with his part very noticeable and
some improv near the end. I wanted to know the song well so I could impress him
somehow by knowing of it. High schooler logic. I did eventually get with his
twin brother through a very complicated and convoluted chain of happenings
nobody really expected.
	17	Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
	18	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	19	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
		I had this tape which is why I love this album so much. My cell
phone died whenever it got chilly, which is a common occurence in Maine, but my
Walkman kept trudging through whatever I threw at it whether rain, sleet, or
snow. My first tapes were (in this order) Blue Hawai'i, Monster, Awesome Mix
Vol. 1, and Goldfly. The first two found at a thrift store along with a shitty
wowing cassette player (which I scrapped soon after purchasing) and the second
two I wrote to tape by first burning CDs and then using a Sony combination
boombox.
	20	Genesis - Land of Confusion
		This was my Current Events teacher's favorite song.
	21	The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin
	22	The Licks - Lavender Kiss
		This was the favorite song of an Anonymous person I was talking
to on-line. They were in my area, I think, but we never met.
	23	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	24	Peking Duk - Wasted
	25	The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
		I got this out of a LinusTechTips YouTube video about making
art for one's self and the love of creation.
	26	Childish Gambino - Sober
	27	Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
	28	Caroline Rose - Soul No. 5
		She opened for Guster and I bought the tape of Loser. Really
good album, I used to stay up late to listen to it.
	29	The Beatles - Helter Skelter
		I saw Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie sing this together on the
second Twins of Evil tour.
	30	Charli XCX, Troye Sivan - 1999
	31	AWOLNATION - Table for One
		They opened for Panic! at the Disco.
	32	The Killers - Mr. Brightside
	33	Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
	34	Credence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	35	Flatsound - If We Could Just Pretend
		I've probably cried to this song more than half the times I've
heard it. The guitar tabs are easy and I've cried while playing it, too.
	36	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	37	Dire Straights - Money for Nothing
	38	Beach Bunny - Prom Queen
	39	Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
	40	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	41	Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
		Heard on 1470 WLAM but also as the end song in Granite Flats.
	42	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	43	half alive - still feel.
	44	Radiohead - Videotape
		This song fills me with raw emotion and I can't bear to listen
to it anymore. I skip it when it comes on after the rest of In Rainbows.
	45	Elton John - I'm Still Standing

I'm deleting my Spotify. No more proprietary services.

++work
	1	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
		I impressed the rest of the kids at science camp by making our
Lego EV3 bot play this song while doing the rest of what it was supposed to be
doing. This playlist was my learning to program playlist.
	2	Boney M. - Rasputin
	3	TOTO - Africa
	4	Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
		I got this from a Rick and Morty trailer. This felt really real
to me because by this point I had done some jarring stuff on the Internet.
	5	Guster - Great Escape
		I love this song.
	6	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	7	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	8	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	9	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	10	Oliver Tree - Fuck
		I loved Oliver Tree who was recommended to me by a friend in
Saudi Arabia. I heard he took tabs of his music off some guitar sites recently
though so that's a bummer.
	11	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
		I've seen the 2010 movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World many times
and love it. Haven't read the comic or seen the anime though.
	12	Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
	13	Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation
		The theme for Freaks and Geeks.
	14	Metric - Black Sheep
	15	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	16	Rob Zombie - Dragula
	17	R.E.M. - Let Me In
	18	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	19	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	20	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
		Tears For Fears is still rocking. I went to a recent tour and
they were awesome, their latest album is also really good.
	21	Weezer - Thank God for Girls
	22	Weezer - Island In The Sun
		Usagi's favorite Weezer song.
	23	Yung Bae, Natvnomvzik - Bae City Rollaz
	24	Night Tempo - Koi
	25	T. Rex - Teenage Dream
	26	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
		I also love Cake's cover.
	27	Weezer - Jacked Up
	28	Arctic Monkeys - No Buses
		Recommended to me by Usagi. So was Flatsound now that I think
about it. At first I thought she was talking about the band No Buses who I
remember liking too but I haven't heard them in a long while.

caffeine
	1	Japanese Breakfast - Planetary Ambience
		I found this playlist as an Evangelion-themed playlist on
Spotify and stole it. I'm unfamiliar with most of these artists.
	2	Wishing - Emptiness Is a Closet Full of Your Old Clothes
	3	eevee - early mornings
	4	Beach House - Space Song
	5	Alex G - Sportstar
	6	Dan Deacon - When I Was Done Dying
	7	Little Dragon - Crystalfilm
	8	The Knife - I Just Had To Die
	9	Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely
	10	Anamanaguchi - Planet
	11	Explosions In The Sky - Your Hand In Mine
	12	Anamanaguchi - Endless Fantasy

meister'd
	1	Yoko Takahashi - The Cruel Angel's Thesis (Director's Edit[...]
		Usagi made this playlist for me. I made one for her, too.
	2	The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
	3	Roberta Flack - Killing Me Softly With His Song
		I used to listen to this at work. Flack's album of the same
name is really good. I've never been able to listen to this full playlist
without crying.
	4	Vicke Blanke - Slave of Love
	5	Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Ffunny Ffrends
	6	Roland Faunte - Hand Over Hand
		This was the first playlist I'd download when putting Spotify
on a device. That way if I lost Internet access I could still hear it.
	7	Tally Hall - You
	8	Jack Stauber - Coconut Ranger
	9	Sunbeam Sound Machine - In Your Arms
		I haven't seen Usagi in some months now. I miss her. We text.
	10	Grandaddy - A.M. 180
		We're just friends now but very, very good friends because we
shared a lot of time together. Usagi's like a sister to me. We always imagined
we'd someday be crochety old-timers rocking in chairs on our porch yelling at
the dang kids to get off our lawn.
	11	Crywank - This Song Title Was Too Long (So Now It's Shorter)
		Usagi's the second person to which I came out.
	12	The Drums - Money
		Usagi was my pet name for her and she had one for me. I use the
pseudonym out of respect for her privacy - she's as privacy conscious as I am.
	13	Jinsang - Smile from U.
	14	Car Seat Headrest - It's Only Sex
	15	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
		Usagi's car used to be a big, loud Volvo minivan which handled
poorly and took a lot of skill to drive. She's a damn good driver.
	16	The Growlers - Rare Hearts
	17	Mitski - Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart
	18	The Voidz - Human Sadness
	19	Lustt - Pillow Talk
		We would get sushi together at the supermarket in Auburn. Last
time we did I broke down sobbing in her car because I knew it wouldn't happen
again. I'm half a country away now, also vegan but I guess we could have Oreos
if we went out again. She moved too though.

burger emporor
	1	Weezer - Mirror Image
	2	Weezer - Undone - The Sweater Song
	3	Weezer - Buddy Holly
	4	Weezer - Beverly Hills
	5	Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
	6	Dropkick Murphys - I'm Shipping Up To Boston
		As a former Mainer I'm used to thinking of Boston as South.
	7	Mother Mother - Hayloft
	8	Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance
		This music video made Dance Dance Revolution look Intense.
	9	Mindless Self Indulgence - Shut Me Up
	10	Weezer - Pork And Beans
	11	Twenty One Pilots - Level of Concern
		Technically I was in this music video.
	12	Twenty One Pilots - Morph
	13	100 gecs, Charli XCX, Rico Nasty, Kero Kero Bonito - ringtone
	14	Bring Me The Horizon, YUNGBLUD - Obey
	15	LMFAO, Lauren Bennett, GoonRock - Party Rock Anthem
	16	Death Grips - Get Got
	17	Black Eyed Peas - Pump It
	18	AC/DC - Highway to Hell
	19	Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
	20	Michael Gray - The Weekend
	21	Smash Mouth - All Star
	22	Tape Five - City of Lights
		On a High School band field trip to Virginia the other trombone
player couldn't sleep without listening to metro jazz or whatever so I got used
to it. It's good stuff and wasn't a problem, usually I just fell asleep to a
Saw movie or at the time probably Bloodnun.
	23	Weatherday - Come In
	24	Shiro SAGISU - Fly Me To The Moon - Instrumental Version
	25	Tally Hall - Ruler of Everything
	26	Tally Hall - Banana Man
		I discovered Tally Hall through this music video which was
uploaded as a .swf to 4chan/f/.
	27	Le Tigre - Deceptacon
	28	Plustwo - Melody (1983 Club Vinyl Remix)
	29	A/V Heroes - Pretty Pink Television
		I met the lead singer through, I think, Instagram, maybe a meme
page - @ifuckinghatestuartlittle or something. Really cool guy.
	30	Cypie - Gdzie jest bialy wegorz ? (Zejscie)
		Minus the diacritical marks. I don't have a compose key.
	31	Jim Croce - You Don't Mess Around with Jim
	32	Dolly Parton - 9 to 5
	33	Kenny Rogers - The Gambler
	34	100 gecs - stupid horse
	35	Brooksie - Not Into You
	36	Fall Out Boy - THnks fr th Mmrs
	37	Tally Hall - Turn the Lights Off
	38	Frank Sinatra - My Way
	39	Carpenter Brut, Yann Ligner - Maniac
	40	Frank Sinatra, Count Basie - Fly Me To The Moon
	41	Frank Sinatra - That's Life
	42	Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
	43	MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
	44	The Beatles - And Your Bird Can Sing
	45	The Beatles - Drive My Car
	46	The Beatles - I'm Looking Through You
	47	Thundercat - Them Changes
	48	Freddie Scott - (You) Got What I Need
	49	The Animals - House Of The Rising Sun
	50	America, George Martin - 5 O'Clock World
	51	Eagles - Hotel California
	52	The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
	53	Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
	54	Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
	55	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
	56	half alive - still feel.
	57	Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
	58	Elton John - I'm Still Standing
		This was my Burger King playlist, before I got transferred the
first time.
	59	Billy Joel - Zanzibar
	60	The Strokes - The Adults Are Talking
	61	The Strokes - At The Door
		I found The Strokes because Drew Gooden recommended them in a
YouTube video.
	62	Dead Poet Society - .getawayfortheweekend.
		I later did what this song described.
	63	Dead Poet Society - .georgia.
		Dead Poet Society's song titles remind me of BSD Make
extensions.
	64	Teddyloid - Fly Away
	65	Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM (Booty Bronx [...]
	66	TCY FORCE, Mariya Ise - CHOCOLAT
		I tried to find more Mariya Ise but I think the only other
stuff she's done is voice acting.
	67	Teddyloid - Corset Theme
	68	TCY FORCE, Emyli - Champion
	69	Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
	70	Weezer - Hash Pipe
	71	Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
	72	Vierre Cloud - moment
		I can't listen to this song without thinking about winter 2020
where at many points I thought I was going to freeze to death on walks between
my parents', school, and work.
	73	Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
	74	The Beatles - Helter Skelter
	75	ABBA - Mamma Mia
	76	Paramore - Misery Business
	77	Linkin Park - One Step Closer
		I 100%ed this on Expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS. I
also used this as a backing track for my YouTube clip where I shot a grenade
mid-air with a sniper rifle in Combat Reloaded, a CounterStrike ripoff for the
web browser.
	78	Radiohead - 15 Step
	79	Radiohead - Electioneering
	80	Glen Campbell - Southern Nights
	81	Sweet - Fox On The Run
	82	MGMT - Little Dark Age
		I got this out of Nazi propaganda on /b/ or /gif/.
	83	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Out of Touch
	84	The Cardigans - Lovefool - Radio Edit
	85	Polarkreis 18 - Unendliche Sinfonie
		Found on /f/.
	86	Junko Yagami - BAY CITY
		I can't read the kanji, it's [something] no BAY CITY
	87	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
	88	Outkast - Hey Ya!
	89	Sean Kingston - Eenie Meenie
	90	Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
	91	The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
		100%ed on Expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS.
	92	Nelly Furtado - Maneater
	93	The All-American Rejects - Gives You Hell
	94	Avril Lavigne - Sk8er Boi
	95	Estelle, Kanya West - American Boy
	96	Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl
	97	Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
		By this time I had definitely transferred to the other Burger
King. This was one of my old kitchen manager's favorites. Spot the red flag.
	98	Katy Perry - Hot N Cold
	99	Toploader - Dancing in the Moonlight
	100	Steven Universe - Let Us Adore You
	101	3l3d3p - lbitbt
	102	The Living Tombstone - It's Been So Long
	103	The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
	104	Mindless Behavior, Diggy Simmons - Mrs. Right
	105	Mag-Lo, O Super - Never
		This I also associate with nearly freezing to death.
	106	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
	107	Kesha - TiK ToK
	108	Ashnikko, Hatsune Miku - Daisy 2.0
	109	The Beatles - With A Little Help From My Friends
	110	Boney M. - Rasputin
	111	Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
	112	Tears For Fears - Shout
	113	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	114	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	115	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	116	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
	117	Peking Duk - Wasted
	118	The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
	119	Childish Gambino - Sober
	120	Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
	121	Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
	122	Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
	123	Mitski - Me and My Husband
	124	Mitski - Nobody
	125	The Beatles - Maxwell's Silver Hammer
		The guy on which I had a crush in high school (not the bass
player, his twin) started a high school club for secular humanism which
espoused the values of atheism and anarchism. I was at the time more an atheist
than an anarchist but joined the club for moral support and because I didn't
have much better to do. One day he said he hadn't heard Abbey Road before so we
listened to the album from end to end with my ASUS Aspire One running mocp on
Debian 9.
	126	The Beatles - Oh! Darling
	127	The Beatles - Back In The U.S.S.R.
	128	The Beatles - Rocky Raccoon
	129	The Beatles - Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me [...]
	130	The Beatles - I Am The Walrus
	131	The Beatles - Doctor Robert
	132	The Beatles - Twist And Shout
	133	Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
	134	OneRepublic - Good Life
	135	Owl City - Fireflies
	136	insaneintherainmusic, Gabe Nekrutman, Chris Allison - Mii [...]
	137	Coolio, L.V. - Gangsta's Paradise
	138	Foo Fighters - My Hero
	139	DMX - X Gon' Give It To Ya
	140	Gorillaz - Tranz
	141	Fatboy Slim - Weapon Of Choice
	142	The Rolling Stones - Paint It, Black
	143	CAKE - Short Skirt / Long Jacket
	144	Fountains Of Wayne - Stacy's Mom
	145	Childish Gambino - Redbone
	146	The Weeknd, Daft Punk - Starboy
	147	Jay & The Americans - Come A Little Bit Closer
	148	Dean Martin - Ain't That A Kick In The Head
	149	Weezer - No Scrubs
	150	Joy Division - She's Lost Control
	151	Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
	152	Taeko Onuki - 4:00A.M.
	153	Fitz and The Tantrums - Out of My League
	154	The London Orchestral Symphony - Paint It Black (Orchestra[...]
	155	Radiohead - Follow Me Around
	156	Radiohead - Spectre
	157	Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
	158	Nothing But Thieves - Forever & Ever More
	159	Nothing But Thieves - Futureproof
	160	Fleetwood Mac - The Chain
	161	Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah - Lake Shore Drive
	162	Looking Glass - Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)
	163	Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
	164	Crystal Castles - Untrust Us
	165	Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
	166	My Chemical Romance - Helena
	167	MGMT - Electric Feel
	168	Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
	169	The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star
	170	The Wannadies - You & Me Song
	171	Candi Staton - Young Hearts Run Free
	172	Stevie Wonder - Superstition
	173	Blue Oyster Cult - (Don't Fear) The Reaper
	174	CAKE - Short Skirt / Long Jacket
	175	SEATBELTS - Tank!
	176	Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
		I just noticed this playlist has this song twice.
	177	The B-52's - Love Shack
	178	War - Low Rider
	179	Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
	180	Rick James - Super Freak
	181	Commodores - Brick House
	182	Kid Cudi - Day 'N' Nite (nightmare)
	183	Ween - Ocean Man
	184	Daniel Tidwell - At Doom's Gate (DOOM E1M1)
	185	Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
	186	Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime
	187	Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
	188	Kero Kero Bonito - Pocket Crocodile
	189	Kero Kero Bonito - Small Town
	190	Tsuko G. - Gas Gas Gas (Initial D)
	191	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop
	192	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
	193	Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra
	194	Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner
	195	Steve Miller Band - The Joker
	196	Blondie - Heart Of Glass
	197	King Harvest - Dancing In The Moonlight
	198	Kansas - Carry on Wayward Son
	199	Elton John - Bennie And The Jets
	200	Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London
	201	Blondie - One Way Or Another
	202	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Rich Girl
	203	Stevie Wonder - Superstition
		This also seems to be a duplicate.
	204	Jim Croce - Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
	205	AISHA, Arc System Works - The Disaster of Passion
	206	Guilty Kiss - Shooting Star Warrior
	207	Mother Mother - Hayloft II
	208	Iron Maiden - Run to the Hills
	209	Louis XIV, Jason Hill, Brian Karscig - God Killed the Queen
	210	Taco - Puttin' on the Ritz
	211	Daft Punk - Give Life Back to Music
	212	Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers - Get Lucky
	213	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster Stronger
	214	Elton John, Kiki Dee - Don't Go Breaking My Heart
	215	Gorillaz, Robert Smoth - Strange Timez
	216	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
	217	Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
	218	Gorillaz - Kids with Guns
	219	Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
	220	Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
	221	Gorillaz - Broken
	222	Gorillaz, Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Mos Def - Sweepstakes
	223	Linkin Park - What I've Done
	224	The All-American Rejects - Move Along
	225	Simple Plan - What's New Scooby-Doo?
	226	The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
	227	Steve Miller Band - Take The Money And Run
	228	Village People - Y.M.C.A.
	229	Coldplay - Paradise
	230	LeviathanJPTV - Chug Jug With You
	231	Desired - Eyes on Me
		I've long associated a picture of Desired with WSJ because he
posted that picture and said it was himself - a fit-looking man holding a rifle
surrounded by photoshopped-in anime girls.
	232	Kero Kero Bonito - Only Acting
	233	Heart - Barracuda
	234	Ram Jam - Black Betty
	235	Cascada - Everytime We Touch
	236	TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
	237	Perfume - Electro World
		Originally in katakana.
	238	Oliver Tree - Life Goes On
	239	Jun Senoue, Ted Poley, Tony Harnell - Escape From The City
	240	The Rapture - Sister Saviour
	241	Aretha Franklin - Son of a Preacher Man
	242	The Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil
	243	Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
	244	Queen - I Want To Break Free
	245	Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 2
	246	Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
	247	AC/DC - Thunderstruck
	248	Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
		One of the best guitar lines in history.
	249	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Run Through The Jungle
	250	David Coffin - Roll the Old Chariot Along
		Found on /gif/, a video of this shanty performed by a crowd
relatively near to where I lived. This is my favorite shanty and universally
disliked by those to whom I show it. Last time I showed it to someone they said
they didn't wanna hear the whole thing and skipped to Wellerman.
	251	Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-Changin'
	252	Metallica - Enter Sandman
	253	Men Without Hats - The Safety Dance
	254	Dead Kennedys - Holiday In Cambodia
	255	Kanye West, Jamie Foxx - Gold Digger
	256	Queen, David Bowie - Under Pressure
	257	R.E.M. - It's The End Of The World As We Know It
	258	Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
		My Latin teacher's favorite Floyd track.
	259	Cage The Elephant - Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
		I used to listen to this on repeat while playing Battlefield
1942.
	260	The Rolling Stones - Satisfaction
	261	Foo Fighters - Kids In America - Demo - 1991
	262	The Rolling Stones - Jumpin' Jack Flash
	263	Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf
	264	The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
	265	Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
	266	100 gecs - mememe
	267	ABBA - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
	268	ABBA - Waterloo
	269	ABBA - Super Trouper
	270	Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
		Also 100%ed on expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS.
	271	Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
	272	Nirvana - Come As You Are
	273	Rupert Holmes - Escape
		I have fan theories about this song.
	274	Weezer - Island In The Sun
	275	AmaLee - My Soul, Your Beats!
		In my time as moderator for Socks' Discord server I was often
compared to Tachibana from Angel Beats, so I watched the anime. It made me cry.
	276	The White Stripes - Fell In Love With a Girl
	277	Radiohead - 15 Step
	278	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
	279	Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today
	280	Weezer - Jacked Up
	281	Weatherday - Porcelain Hands
	282	AWOLNATION - Table for One
	283	The Beatles - For No One
	284	Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
	285	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
	286	Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
	287	I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
		Duplicate.
	288	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	289	Radiohead - Follow Me Around
		Duplicate.
	290	Blondie - Heart Of Glass
		Duplicate.
	291	The Strokes - Ode To The Mets
	292	Joy Division - Disorder
	293	Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
		Duplicate.
	294	Kensuke Ushio - Judgement
	295	Booker T. & the M.G.'s - Green Onions
	296	This Will Destroy You - The Mighty Rio Grande
	297	LVL1 - FVN!
	298	Perfume - Electro World
		Duplicate.
	299	3l3d3p - lbitbt
		Duplicate.
	300	100 gecs - bloodstains
	301	plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
		Duplicate.
	302	Honey Claws - Digital Animal
	303	Ado, TeddyLoid - [kanji] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
	304	Grimes - Kill V. Maim
	305	Pink Floyd - Time
	306	Paramore - Hard Times
	307	Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
	308	Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
	309	Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
	310	Guster - Great Escape
	311	The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
	312	Horace Silver - Song For My Father
	313	M.I.A. - Paper Planes
	314	R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
		I can't keep track of the duplicates so I'm not gonna note them
anymore.
	315	R.E.M. - What's The Frequency, Kenneth?
	316	R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
	317	Genesis - Land of Confusion
	318	Weezer - Surf Wax America
	319	Weezer - Long Time Sunshine
	320	Weezer - We Are All On Drugs
	321	Weezer - Miss Sweeney
	322	Weezer - Automatic
	323	Weezer - I Don't Want Your Loving
		Death to False Metal and Everything Will Be Alright in the End
were the two albums that defined my September 2019 to March 2020.
	324	Weezer - Memories
	325	Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
	326	Weezer - Back To The Shack
	327	Weezer - Da Vinci
	328	Weezer - Wind in Our Sail
	329	Weezer - Do You Wanna Get High?
		I stopped listening to Weezer when I lost my virginity.
	330	Pink Floyd - When the Tigers Broke Free
	331	Pink Floyd - The Fletcher Memorial Home
	332	Pink Floyd - Astronomy Domine
	333	Pink Floyd - Lucifer Sam
	334	Boney M. - Rasputin
	335	Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
	336	Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
	337	TOTO - Africa
	338	Justice - D.A.N.C.E
	339	Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation
	340	Metric - Black Sheep
	341	R.E.M. - Let Me In
	342	Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
	343	Yung Bae, Natvnomvzik - Bae City Rollaz
	344	Night Tempo - Koi
	345	T. Rex - Teenage Dream
	346	Arctic Monkeys - No Buses
	347	Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop
	348	The Beach Boys - I Get Around
	349	Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
	350	Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love
	351	Electric Light Orchestra - Don't Bring Me Down
	352	Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
	353	Don McLean - American Pie
	354	Bee Gees - You Should Be Dancing
	355	Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird
	356	Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
	357	Sam Cookie - Wonderful World
	358	Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl
	359	Marvin Gaye, Tammi Terrell - Ain't No Mountain High Enough
	360	The Beach Boys - Surfin' U.S.A.
	361	The Mamas & The Papas - California Dreamin'
	362	The Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
	363	The Beatles - Twist And Shout
	364	The Beatles - She Loves You
	365	The Bobby Fuller Four - I Fought the Law
	366	Donovan - Mellow Yellow
	367	Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Moon Rising
	368	Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
	369	Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline
		In summer camp in third or fourth grade I had a crush on a girl
named Caroline with hair like fire and freckles like falling leaves. Never saw
her again.
	370	Marilyn Manson - KILL4ME
	371	Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People
	372	Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
	373	Marilyn Manson - Fated, Faithful, Fatal
	374	Marilyn Manson - Cupid Carries A Gun
	375	Ramones - Pet Sematary
	376	Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way
	377	Radiohead - Karma Police
		I consider myself a Buddhist; I "converted" (seems like a
strong word) about a month ago. I do seek to follow the Dharma. nasin sewi pona
li pona.
	378	Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music
	379	Hombres G - Devuelveme a mi chica
		Minus diacritical marks.
	380	Tennessee - Te vi correr
	381	Owl City - When Can I See You Again?
	382	Panic! At The Disco - Sarah Smiles
	383	Panic! At The Disco - There's a Good Reason These Tables A[...]
	384	Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
	385	Twenty One Pilots - Fake You Out
	386	Twenty One Pilots - Fairly Local
	387	Twenty One Pilots - Polarize
	388	Twenty One Pilots - Choker
	389	Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
	390	chelmico - Easy Breezy
	391	TWRP - Atomic Karate
		I can't see TWRP without thinking of the TWilight Recovery
Partition tool for Android devices.
	392	The Aquabats! - Cat with 2 Heads!
	393	Sex Bob-Omb - Threshold
	394	Gorillaz - 19-2000
	395	Talking Heads - Burning Down the House
	396	Christian French - avalanche
	397	Joji - Gimme Love
	398	a-ha - Take on Me
	399	Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In the Dark
	400	Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance with Somebody
	401	Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
	402	Soft Cell - Tainted Love
	403	Huey Lewis & The News - Hip To Be Square
	404	Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner
	405	Daryl Hall & John Oates - Private Eyes
	406	Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
	407	Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
	408	Daryl Hall & John Oates - You Make My Dreams
	409	The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
		The only non-creepy Police song.
	410	Eurythmics, Annie Lennox, Dave Stewart - Sweet Dreams
	411	Daryl Hall & John Oates - I Can't Go for That
	412	My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You
	413	Shiro SAGISU - ANGEL ATTACK
	414	Shiro SAGISU - MISATO
	415	Shiro SAGISU - Next Episode
	416	Daler Mehndi - Tunak Tunak Tun
	417	Mariya Takeuchi - Plastic Love
		Something is off because this playlist should have 420 songs.
Whatever. My fingers are tired.

intermission
	1	Weezer - Mirror Image
		This is my breakup playlist after Usagi and I split.
	2	Weezer - Jacked Up
		I wanna say April or so 2020? 2021? Probably 2020.
	3	Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?
		It hurt and it took me a long time to get over it.
	4	Weatherday - Porcelain Hands
	5	Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
	6	Tame Impala - New Person, Same Old Mistakes
	7	AWOLNATION - Table for One
	8	The Beatles - For No One
	9	Plustwo - Melody (1983 Club Vinyl Mix)


/blah/2023-11-28.html

the the the end end end of  of  of
end end end of  of  of  the the the

my   friends have accepted their fate now
i've found   solace  in my misery

and the  light in their eyes isn't there
and some hope  in the   emptiness  here

how the beauty     fades so     softly here
but it  looks like my    soul's failing me

is    a testament    to what we bear
because i still hold onto    my fear

poverty, death in this city life
i met a  hobo     on north union

seventy         hour       weeks in fast food
she looked like me   with  differing     clothes

everyone    here just keeps suffering
i asked her how  she  fell  in the hole

and i    sing   to my violent      tunes
she said you're already  here, you know

(together)
and my metal music plays at night
and the skyline's littered with debris
of a simpler, hospitable time
how the hell will i afford to eat


/blah/2023-11-27.html

Dear Princess Celestia,
	Today I learned that the strongest ship is a friendship and that if it
isn't canon you can't accept it as part of the lore without noting the caveats.
Rainbow Dash has never actually worked at a factory that ground young fillies
and colts up into rainbows.


/blah/2023-11-25.html

Neon Genesis Evangelion    | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
---------------------------|------------------------------------
Three kids                 | Six ponies

are taught to harness the weapons only they can use because the
weapons are

their mothers              | inside them

. They're assigned this task by the government, lead by

Gendo Ikari                | Princess Celestia

, who

have captured God          | is God

, because they need to vanquish forces of evil that are
threatening their world. The

kids                       | ponies

are lead by

Misato Katsuragi           | Twilight Sparkle

because only she

recognizes they are human. | can bring the Elements of Harmony
                           | together with their friendship.

Along the way the

children                   | ponies

will grow

father apart               | closer

due to their shared

trauma                     | friendship

. You can watch their journey together on

Cartoon Network's Adult    | Discovery Family
Swim                       |

in

2005-2006.                 | 2010-2019.


/blah/2023-11-24.html

: phones

Phone            | Battery     | Charging jack
Samsung SCH-R390 |        Good | Micro USB-B, no OTG 
        LG UN280 |      Decent | Micro USB-B, no OTG 
iPhone SE (2016) |      Dismal |         Proprietary 
  Unihertz Titan |   Excellent |            USB-C PD
       Pinephone | Upgradeable |            USB-C PD
     Punkt MP-02 |   Excellent |     USB-C but no PD
 Google Pixel 3A |   Excellent |            USB-C PD

Phone            | Codecs                     | Firmware    | Headphone jack
Samsung SCH-R390 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
        LG UN280 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
iPhone SE (2016) | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |          3.5mm
  Unihertz Titan |               Configurable | Proprietary |          3.5mm
       Pinephone |               Configurable |  Changeable |          3.5mm
     Punkt MP-02 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary |     over USB-C
 Google Pixel 3A |               Configurable | Proprietary |          3.5mm

Phone            | Keyboard             | OS          | SD    | WLAN
Samsung SCH-R390 |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |   No
        LG-UN280 |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |   No
iPhone SE (2016) |             Software | Proprietary |  None |  Yes
  Unihertz Titan |             Hardware | Proprietary | Micro |  Yes
       Pinephone | Software or hardware |        Open | Micro |  Yes
     Punkt MP-02 |             Hardware | Proprietary |  None |  Yes
 Google Pixel 3A |             Software |        Open |  None |  Yes

Samsung SCH-R390
	Also known as the Freeform 4.
	I used this extensively and enjoyed it at the time.

Samsung SCH-R480
	Also known as the FreeForm 5.
	No significant changes from the FreeForm 4 beyond aesthetics.

LG UN280
	Also known as the Freedom II.
	I used this extensively and enjoyed it at the time.

iPhone SE (2016)
	I used this extensively and despise it.

Unihertz Titan
	I used this extensively and despise it.
	Bad hardware keyboard (no dollar sign).
	Vendor unlawfully non-compliant with GPL 2 licensing on Linux,
		for this reason I would avoid this phone like the plague.

Pine64 Pinephone
	I love this phone a lot.
	Hardware keyboard available as an extension;
		hardware keyboard also adds a second battery,
		tripling the battery life of the phone.
	Firmware is proprietary by default
		but the vendor allows using free firmware.

Punkt MP-02
	Sucks.

Google Pixel 3A
	The official OS is proprietary so I use an old GrapheneOS build.
	100% FOSS phone but reliable unlike the Pinephone.


/blah/2023-11-23.html

Today's Thanksgiving in the United States which historically is a holiday of
some sort that I learned about in school and soon forgot because I didn't get
it. The day's significant to me as a day where usually I can find a good bite
to eat for cheap (though this is my first Thanksgiving vegan) and as a day on
which I am reminded how thankful I am for life as it is right now.

I'm thankful for the ceiling above my head and the couch under my feet. The
walls around the room. The warmth. I'm thankful for the people with which I'm
staying allowing me to be here and I'm thankful for their friendship. One I've
known a couple years but it might as well be forever and they've been there for
me however they could when times were dire and all else was far away, despite
us not being super close super often. The other I knew in passing and now I get
to interact with them in person and they're even cooler than I thought they
were from seeing their stuff on-line. I'm thankful to them for allowing me to
stay here, and thankful to them for being friends of mine, and thankful to them
for what they contribute to the world in kindness in general.

I'm thankful for my backpack and what's in it. I have a number of niceties I
could do without, including the laptop on which I'm typing this, and I'm glad I
have these luxuries and for my luck in this. I'm thankful for my luck in
general. There are many who cannot be inside today. Restaurants close on
Thanksgiving and I worry for those who usually refuge with coffee and their
belongings at tables in the darker areas of dining rooms. It's cold outside.
I'm thankful for the food in my belly and the clothes on my back, especially
for how good the food is here and how clean the clothes are that I'm wearing.
I'm thankful for the shirt I'm wearing which was given to me by Usagichan and
I'm thankful for Usagichan's friendship. I'm thankful for my gym pants I use as
pajamas which were given to me by one of the people who let me stay here. I'm
thankful to my employers - there will be three to consider this tax season -
for the wages with which I provide myself the things I need. I'm thankful for
dry socks and showers and being able to sleep in one layer of clothing.

I'm thankful for my girlfriend and its putting up with my distance, not just my
physical distance but my emotional distance. I don't have the words to express
how much I am thankful for it and I am still as amazed by everything it does as
when we first met. I'm thankful for the lessons partners of the past and recent
past have taught me. I'm thankful for the love that is given to me and has
been.

I'm thankful for my sidekick, my roommates' families, my old friends and future
co-conspirators.

I'm thankful for the contributors to the free software I use. Bastien Dejean
for bspwm, q66 for Chimera Linux, Torvalds for Linux, the thousands of
contributors to the bigger projects, particularly Firefox, Xorg, GrapheneOS.
Emma Tebibyte, Marceline Cramer, and Sasha Koshka are people I talk to on-line
and who make programs I use, and I'm thankful for them.

I would not be the person I am today without the generosity of others and I am
humbled by the ease with which good people do amazing things for the world.


/blah/2023-11-22.html

: getting rogue to compile on chimera linux

BUT automatically and from the netbsd source tree because i <3 netbsd

$ git clone https://github.com/NetBSD/src
$ ^C # never mind it's 2GB
$ curl https://raw.githubusercontent.com/NetBSD/src/trunk/games/rogue/Makefile

note to self meli mail client looks pog

nvm im gonna go get high


/blah/2023-11-18.html

One of the details about Slipstream and its universe of media (that I will
eventually get around to expressing) is that computers are largely invisible,
relegated to the spaces in the walls or servers in cities far away.
Technological literacy, like the skill to repair a car or radio, only persists
among the very highly educated so they may design the infrastructure through
which the Restovus live. This is a time that resembles a hundred years ago more
than today, despite being hundreds of years in the future, with minor details
lost in the fog of sight such as entropy being in places reversed. This also
explains airily notions of "magic" and "time travel". Slipstream in particular
is hard to follow in terms of understanding the underlying technologies, but
they're less to understand and more to accept, like all things far from one's
reality.


/blah/2023-11-17.html

installing the internet archive `ia' client

$ python3 -m pip install internetarchive


/blah/2023-11-16.html

: adding a user to feeling.murderu.us, an alpine linux host

https://wiki.alpinelinux.org/wiki/Setting_up_a_new_user

$ scp id_ed25519.pub feeling.murderu.us:/home/trinity/
$ ssh feeling.murderu.us
	$ doas su -
		# adduser -D user
		# adduser user wheel
		# mkdir -p /home/user/.ssh
		# mv id_ed25519.pub /home/user/
		# chown -R user:user /home/user/.ssh
		# exit
	$ exit
$ exit


/blah/2023-11-15.html

It is hard to cope with happiness. This is the best period of my life ever, bar
none. I have time to learn, discuss, work, clean, I'm wearing clean clothes and
can take regular showers. I don't know how to process it. I've never in my life
been in such a good environment with such good friends and I don't know how to
cope with getting rides everywhere, having meals made for me, my laundry done
by someone else.

I've been very self sufficient for a little while now. I did my laundry at
either a laundromat with money I had earned from work or with my own hands in a
work sink with soap purchased with money I had earned from work. Often the
latter so I could afford to eat food I had prepared with ingredients I had
purchased with money I had earned from work, or food I had prepared during
work. A washing machine doesn't fit in a backpack, nor a dryer, though in a
pinch when walking I could hang clothes off the backpack to get at least a side
of them dry before getting to where I could change out of what I was wearing.

In order to change my clothes I had to find a public bathroom, ideally a Burger
King because I was an employee there but in a pinch if I was fast enough a gas
station would work, put my backpack and clothes on the often dirty floor, and
strip down in a stall or in better cases when a stall was a room a full
restroom. I had to do it fast because gas station attendants and fast food
workers can smell homelessness on you, the hopelessness and stench of hand
washed clothing. It is in the modern era equivalent to smelling addiction and
on occasion I would be accused of taking so long in the bathroom to shoot up
heroin. There was never sympathy or understanding or even acceptance. Because I
was homeless, noticeably so, I was considered subhuman, vermin. 

There was no way to take a shower. Gym bathrooms work if you're cisgender or
living in a generally trans-friendly area. I was not. A shower for me was the
bathroom at work, before work, where I used my laundry soap and a bandanna to
swab my arms, face, neck, chest, and armpits. I had to be quick because the
morning workers liked to spread rumors about my being a homeless addict,
an immediately obvious falsehood to those who knew me but slander for those who
didn't. I wasn't troubled that people knew I was homeless because while
violence likes to come for those on the streets, vermin that can be tortured
and killed the same way rats and cockroaches are in apartments, I was charming,
witty, somewhat educated or seemingly, and tried to be as kind as possible to
others. I tried to be a representable member of the unhoused and of the
trannies, to appeal to those cretins with their ceilings and simpler thoughts.

In order to change my clothes, if in the apartment, I take my clothes off and
put different clothes on. In order to take a shower I go to the bathroom, take
my clothes off, and turn the shower tap. Less pain, less ink. Can I get used to
this? Should I? When I see Subarus outside I wonder if I could have survived
the winter. It was cold as fuck sleeping outside in October. Sometimes I wonder
if I did die in that car. If this is heaven. I wonder if I did die in that car
and so now if I am a different person than who entered. I wonder if Toni is
still where I left her in the parking lot, if she's rotting from disuse and if
the cardboard I used to seal the rear window is molding. The picture of Dorian
Grey.


/blah/2023-11-12.html

Happy birthday my dears.

Oedipus

1	Iam nocte Titan dubius expulsa redit
	now night Titan doubt  expel   I return
1	I return at night now to dubious Titan

2	et nube     maestus squalida exoritur iubar,
	&  to cloud sad     foul     become   radiance
2	and to the foul, sorry smog that had become its radiance,

3	lumenque flamma triste luctifica gerens

4	prospiciet avida peste solatas domos,

5	stragemque quam nox fecit ostendet dies.



/blah/2023-11-06.html

Some stuff is failing in Rust. I'll put this stuff here which is part of the
Hearth running processs as a note but I still don't have this working. I got a
job and have been working the last couple days.

$ cargo install cargo-update
$ cargo install cargo-xtask
$ rustup target add wasm32-unknown-unknown
$ git clone https://github.com/hearth-rs/kindling
$ sh -c 'cd kindling; cargo build-root'

I don't remember what I was doing on here. I see these errors:

  = note: clang-16: warning: argument unused during compilation: '-no-pie' [-Wu
          ld: error: unable to find library -lssl
          ld: error: unable to find library -lcrypto
          ld: error: unable to find library -lz
          clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to se

In installing cargo-update, so I guess I'll try

# apk add openssl-devel # did nothing; is installed
# apk add libssl3 # did nothing; is installed

Okay I give up. Whatever.

  --> src/main.rs:23:48
   |
23 |     if let Ok(val) = if let Ok(val) = reqwest::blocking::get(jasima_remote
   |

Cargo.toml:
- reqwest = "0.11"
+ request = { version = "0.11", features = ["blocking"] }


/blah/2023-11-03.html

Rest in peace Jayden Cho-Sargent. 2003-2016.

[05:33] q66: sanchan: that's not a solution and you should not do that
[05:33] q66: libgcc-chimera exists purely for compatibility with prebuilt
             binary software
[05:34] q66: you should fix whatever to not link gcc_s instead

FROM:    ckie
TO:      trinity
SUBJECT: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 05:36:26 +0200

why do thaaattttttttttttttttttttttttt

~>~:::

  😭
  why do that

Why OD THAT ~???
Why Do that.
That's so evil trinity, you could . Like., Not do that. Please?

[cirno_actually_plays_zelda_in_terminal.png]

WH??? y...y....

🥺 🥹 🥹 🥹 😭

x∅x∅
[return address]

ne hone ronnewrn nenh..n rkmrawr ) :
 WA waoo ohoooo o
 w hy yyy mREAWmmmmm

cc [...] says u might'v listenef in so hi u hearxd me ig maybe
    ( only if fae not wearin heapdohn )

FROM:    trinity
TO:      ckie
SUBJECT: Re: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 07:09:06 +0000

do i have permission to put this on my blah https://trinity.moe/blah/

FROM:    ckie
TO:      trinity
SUBJECT: Re: why do thaaattt
DATE:    2023-11-03 14:31:44 +0000

sure maybe leave the attachment out it's meow [...]
[...]

Friendship formed! Hell yeah!

Readers should e-mail me stuff I can respond to on my blah like I'm a real
Buzzfeed journalist or as if I was writing the next Dracula. Epistular
storytelling.

$ ssh root@all.evil
ssh: Could not resolve hostname all.evil: Name does not resolve

allevil.org is available but I don't have money to blow on domains right now.

E-mailing entities like ckie is delightful. What is "e-mail" in toki pona?
toki pona la E-mail pi toki inli li seme? Maybe toki lipu kiwen - metal
documented speech? How can uncertainty be represented in toki pona?

They discussed continental philosophy last night at Sangha. I'm gonna need to
read Anti-Oedipus. Or actually Descartes.

There's a project some friends of mine are working on called Hearth. It just
merged in a sister project, Flue, last night. It's written in extraordinarily
clean Rust and is the reason I'm learning Rust. It's going to be a big deal.

$ git clone https://github.com/hearth-rs/hearth
$ cd hearth
$ cargo build
error: failed to run custom build command for `msdfgen-sys v0.2.1`

Caused by:
  process didn't exit successfully: `/home/trinity/hearth/target/debug/build/ms
dfgen-sys-3ee3a8b654b57797/build-script-build` (exit status: 101)
  --- stderr
  thread 'main' panicked at /home/trinity/.cargo/registry/src/index.crates.io-6
f17d22bba15001f/msdfgen-sys-0.2.1/build.rs:33:13:
  No prebuilt bindings. Try use `bindgen` feature.
  note: run with `RUST_BACKTRACE=1` environment variable to display a backtrace
warning: build failed, waiting for other jobs to finish...

$ cp hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml.orig
$ <hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml >hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml.orig \
	sed '8c msdfgen = {version = "0.2.1", default-features = false, features = ["bindgen", "ttf-parser", "png"]}'
$ cargo build
error: failed to run custom build command for `msdfgen-sys v0.2.1`

Caused by:
  process didn't exit successfully: `/home/trinity/hearth/target/debug/build/ms
dfgen-sys-80b011bd235771f0/build-script-build` (exit status: 101)
  --- stdout
  cargo:rerun-if-env-changed=TARGET_SYSROOT
  cargo:rerun-if-env-changed=CXX_STDLIB

  --- stderr
  thread 'main' panicked at /home/trinity/.cargo/registry/src/index.crates.io-6
f17d22bba15001f/bindgen-0.63.0/./lib.rs:2338:31:
  Unable to find libclang: "the `libclang` shared library at /usr/lib/libclang.
so.16.0.6 could not be opened: Dynamic loading not supported"
  note: run with `RUST_BACKTRACE=1` environment variable to display a backtrace
warning: build failed, waiting for other jobs to finish...

$ doas su -
# apk add clang-devel
$ cargo build
$ # [no dice]


/blah/2023-11-02.html

$ ldconfig -p
$

Oh, right. Hm.

https://pkgs.chimera-linux.org/packages > contents > "ldconfig"
ldconfig belongs to apk:musl-progs.
# apk fix musl-progs
fetch https://repo.chimera-linux.org/current/contrib/aarch64/APKINDEX.tar.gz
fetch https://repo.chimera-linux.org/current/main/aarch64/APKINDEX.tar.gz
(1/1) Reinstalling musl-progs (1.2.4-r4)
OK: 2623 MiB in 982 packages
# ls -l $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx  1 root  root  4 Nov  2 09:48 /bin/ldconfig -> true

Hm.

# unlink /bin/ldconfig
# ls -l $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx  1 root  root  4 Nov  2 09:49 /bin/ldconfig -> true

Uh. I guess I'll ask OFTC#chimera-linux.

This being caused by a system upgrade would explain the initial timestamp of
yesterday at 1700, when probably I ran `# apk -U upgrade` out of habit. I can't
find much on the package browser or anything so I guess I'll just wait for
somepony to get back to me on IRC.

[09:52] sanchan: hey how come ldconfig is linked to true by musl-progs?
[09:53] sanchan: i think this happened after a recent update. i'm on aarch64
                 but a $ unlink /bin/ldconfig; doas apk fix musl-progs re-links
                 ldconfig->true
[10:17] q66:     it's supposed to be, what else would it be
[10:18] q66:     it always was too
[10:46] sanchan: i'm trying to get some rust stuff working and cargo is failing
                 to compile a C dependency for lack of -lgcc_s
[10:46] sanchan: i installed gcc-chimera or whatever it's called but still no
                 dice
[10:47] q66:     okay
[10:48] sanchan: ,/lib/libgcc_s.so.1 exists so it seems like an ldconfig issue,
                 online troubleshooting said ldconfig -p might tell me what's
                 going on
[10:49] sanchan: this isn't my area of expertise
[10:49] q66:     i don't understand how you get to that conclusion
[10:49] q66:     ldconfig isn't a thing with musl
[10:49] q66:     libgcc_s isn't a thing with compiler-rt
[10:49] sanchan: blindly following troubleshooting guides
[10:49] sanchan: i see
[10:51] q66:     glibc has a dynamic linker cache for library lookups, ldconfig
                 controls that cache
[10:51] q66:     musl doesn't have a cache
[10:52] q66:     that's why ldconfig is a symlink to true
[10:52] q66:     so that when something hardcodes calling it, it's a noop
[10:54] sanchan: interesting
[10:55] sanchan: cargo must just not be checking the right dirs or something.
                 i'll play around with it
[10:55] sanchan: thank you!
[10:55] q66:     <@q66> libgcc_s isn't a thing with compiler_rt
[10:55] q66:     something hardcoding lgcc_s is wrong
[10:55] q66:     it shouldn't be doing that

The Chimera Linux IRC channel is really valuable for figuring out system
weirdness but I always feel weird bugging the Professionals^TM for my awful
computer issues.

Rust tickles my brain so I'm gonna work on that instead of this.
Rust says: Package openssl was not found in the pkg-config search path.
I say: # apk add openssl-devel
And so it worked.

Rust says: = note: ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s
I say: Shit.

Okay, so this is an ld error (actually an error in that -lgcc_s shouldn't be
required but whatever).

fn jasima_get() -> Result<json::JsonValue> {
    if let Ok(val) = if let Ok(val) = reqwest::blocking::get(jasima_remote()) {
            let file = File::create(jasima_local());
            file.write_all(val.text());
            Ok(val.text())
        } else if let Ok(val) = read_to_string(jasima_local()) {
            Ok(val)
        } else {
            Err("Unavailable")
        } {
        json::parse(val)
    } else {
        Err("Unavailable")
    }
}

MARS: That should compile, but also, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm never going back to C.

Marcie checked out my cargo stuff and said "Hmm. Wack" or the equivalent dog
noise.

Burgered king; regiphagia.

Beat Mars at 2048. I feel accomplished. Also I got a job today.

I am just sort of here. I don't live here or anywhere else or anywhere in
particular and just come with my hosts when they do cool stuff and chip in
however I can in terms of housework or finances. This is a really pleasing
existence but I can't help thinking I can and should be doing more.

$ ld -L/usr/lib -lgcc_s
ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s

https://stackoverflow.com/questions/335928/ld-cannot-find-an-existing-library
>A quick hack is to symlink libmagic.so.1 to libmagic.so
# ln -s /usr/lib/libgcc_s.so.1 /usr/lib/libgcc_s.so
# ^D
$ ld -L/usr/lib -lgcc_s
ld: warning: cannot find entry symbol _start; not setting start address

You're fucking shitting me.

We're all just chilling in Samsara.


/blah/2023-11-01.html

Rabbit rabbit.

$ doas su -
# apk del rust cargo
# ^D
$ curl --proto '=https' --tlsv1.2 https://sh.rustup.rs -sSf >rustup.sh
$ more &lt;rustup.sh # DO NOT PIPE CURL INTO SH!!!
$ sh rustup.sh

I went with a default installation because whatever. I just hope this doesn't
fuck up my system because I quite like my system as it's installed.

$ . .cargo/env
$ rustc --version
Error loading shared library libgcc_s.so.1: No such file or directory (needed b
Error loading shared library libgcc_s.so.1: No such file or directory (needed b
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-

Hmmm.

$ doas su -
# apk add libgcc-chimera
# ^D
$ rustc --version
rustc 1.73.0 (cc66ad468 2023-10-03)

Cool.

Consultation with hosts: print!("{}", var); uses the display trait of var while
print!("{:?}", var); uses the debug trait of var.

At night I like to look around and feel the air on my skin. The air is still
but flowing because this place is well ventilated yet well heated and feels
nice, is a nice temperature. I like to look around at the walls and how they
blend into the ceiling, distinct only by texture and shade. There are no gaps
between them. Nor between the wall and the floor. The walls are clean here. So
is the floor. So is the ceiling. There are fire alarms and carbon monoxide
detectors and blinds on the windows and the air is nice but most importantly
the space is so big. A month ago I was waking up in a car, freezing. I was
freezing because the car had nearly no insulation and nearly no ventilation, so
my breath would condense onto any object that had some warmth to give it like
the windows or my blankets or sleeping bag. The condensation would cool me in
the night. I would wake up often in the very early morning hours shivering and
unable to get warm, kept awake by Kami insisting we not fall asleep or we could
die of hypothermia. I'd read Alias Grace or another book on my tablet, the
glass cold to the touch and foggy, wishing I was somewhere else, somewhere far
away where I couldn't touch the clean ceiling even if I stretched my arm out to
as far away as my fingertips could reach. Now I am here, the place of which I
dreamed. The walls are so far away and yet the air here, so much air, is so
warm. It's comfortable. I'm laying on a couch which is comfortable and using my
laptop comfortably and using wall electricity and laying in warmth and there's
a sink in this room or adjacent to get water on demand and there is fucking
laundry! I can do my fucking laundry! I can take a shower when I wish to! And
every night out of joy I cry myself to sleep. I sob like a little piss baby,
muffling my cries with my mouth or my will or when those fail the sleeping bag
in which I lay because I'm terrified that I will be back on the street again
and without the car and unable to get comfortable on hard surfaces anymore.

I met Toni in February, a 1999 green Subaru Forester or Forrester or something.
She was driven by my sidekick and in fine shape except for some difficulties
making it up hills. At the time my sidekick was considerably less so and I was
coming off some bad decisions with drugs and we were discussing some stuff and
I was in love with that car but never thought I would end up living in it. The
best weekend I'd ever lived.

I met Toni in a different light in September or so. I'd slept near a pile of
nearly unidentifiable corpses, the same hill about a hundred paces away, and
then went to work and pretended I hadn't. Then I scootered a ways down a hill
and up another to a different Burger King than the one at which I had worked
and crawled through the rear of the car, fringed with broken glass which did
cut me once or twice, and slept in the passenger seat in my sleeping bag. It
wasn't comfortable compared to where I am now but it was better than any of the
places I'd tried to sleep over that week and I got nine or so hours. I woke up
and went to work, the other Burger King, chipper. None of my coworkers knew I
was homeless but I didn't hide it. When I was homeless (technically I still am)
in Lewiston I wanted to actually let people know I was homeless because I
dispelled a lot of classic stereotypes about homeless people - I was educated,
sober, and employed. But rent money is not simply money but money in a bulk I
didn't have. The purpose of that job was to get the money to get where I am now
but I still can't believe I am actually here.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see them, the corpses torn apart by something
of the forest, and I feel the exhaustion that rooted itself into my bones. And
I wake up and I'm hear under a clean ceiling and the walls are so far away. In
Toni I couldn't sit up without hitting my head, I had to duck or bend my back
somehow. I couldn't extend my legs. Here I can extend my legs however I want in
whatever direction I want. And pee as soon as I wake up.

I feel so fucked. My body is safe but my mind will not stop feeling like there
is something from which to run. I can't forget what I saw and what I felt and
who I was and what I did and being chased and losing trails and playing with
trails and tracers and the falling down hills and sirens and sillhouettes in
red and blue and making my way through dark alleys full of knives and shopping
knives and losing knives and cutting, others and myself, and biting belts as I
repaired my own mechanical faults and shocking myself until I forgot why and
waking up to screaming and waking up to screaming and waking up to screaming.
This is peace. What is peace?

Peace is the two library books I've read and returned since getting a library
card here. What If (2014) and What If 2 (2022). Neither really books I needed
to read or was recommended. Just books I wanted to enjoy. Peace is learning
Rust to contribute to friends' projects, using my laptop, drinking clean water
straight from the tap. Peace is riding in the car behind a few of the smartest
people I know who seem happy I'm here and safe, or at least that my body is
safe, but I don't tell them about the memories I can't get out of my head, just
the memories that haunt me but that are allowed to escape, to be forgotten
momentarily, that alone haunt my hosts. I still feel like I'm in the car
sometimes. I feel the old seat felt against the backs of my arms as I come to
from my sleeping bag. I see my breath fog in front of me. I don't but I do, I
see without seeing. Kami shakes me until I wake up. It's not safe. But it's
never safe, it's never safe because I'm still in the car and the lights are
pouring through the windows but it's the sun's light and it's through apartment
windows and it is safe here but it's not safe because the light is pouring
through the windows and I can be seen and someone is about to start yelling
that they will kill me because they don't see me as human and this was the only
secluded place I could find but it's not secluded because it's a floor behind a
locked door but it's not secluded so it's not safe and I'm taking up too much
space so my hosts are going to hate me but they tell me I can take up more
space certainly but I'm taking up too much space.

And I just want to go to sleep. I want peace. Peace was taken from me by those
who wage war on the proletariat. Whatever. I'm too tired. Could this even be
real? What happy existence? Am I really allowed to relax? Isn't it a trick?

o tenpo pimejo pona

  = note: ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s
          clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to se
e invocation)
          
error: could not compile `clap_derive` (lib) due to previous error

# apk add gcc-aarch64-none-elf
# ^D
$ cargo run
   Compiling clap_derive v4.4.7
error: linking with `cc` failed: exit status: 1
  |
  = note: LC_ALL="C" PATH="/home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unkn
[many lines abridged]

Okay, so Rust is having issues with the lack of gcc here. It kinda sucks that
clap is using C stuff. I'm not sure if I should get this C stuff working first
or switch to a pure Rust argument parser.

Looking at this command line, it's LC_ALL=C PATH=[...] VSLANG=1033 cc [and then
a whole bunch of bogus] [cflags] -lgcc_s lc [and then more cflags]. What
provides gcc_s?

$ ls /lib | grep gcc
drwxr-xr-x root root  4.0 KB Fri Sep  8 05:26:01 2023 gcc
.rwxr-xr-x root root   70 KB Wed Oct 25 16:41:53 2023 libgcc_s.so.1

Presumably libgcc_s.so.1 was put there by libgcc-chimera (I'm not gonna bother
checking). I'm just gonna search this error text because I'm not sure why the C
compiler wouldn't be checking /lib.

$ ldconfig -p
$ ldconfig
$ ldconfig --help
$ echo $?
0
$ ls $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx root root 4 B Tue Oct 31 17:08:41 2023 🔖 /bin/ldconfig ⇒ true

Hahahahhahahaha. What. Where's ldconfig?!?!?!?!?!?!! I would assume this is the
root of the issue at hand.

At my most boring I have wished for a life worse than the one I have now. This
is the most enjoyable my life has ever been and yet it is unrelentingly
chaotic and I don't know how to get the pieces to fit. I feel irredeemable and
unable to relate to anyone or anything except perhaps a pebble being kicked
across the asphalt of the road or leaves falling off the trees, ripening,
wrinkling, from a soothing green to a reminder of the loss of youth.

One day I expected rain overnight so I slept in the passenger seat so I could
see the rain fall down the windshield. It was a view I had romanticized in my
head, one I wanted to pause and view for eternity. My sidekick did not. They
have places to go and things to do naturally so when it happened that we were
caught in rain and got to see rain fall over Toni we watched for a moment or
two and then drove onward toward the future, beckoning it without letting it
take its time. I was excited to be able to take this moment, though
unfortunately in solitude, at the pace by which I wanted to experience it. So I
fell asleep against the bitter cold of that parking lot and awoke to the pitter
patter of droplets against the glass before me and that was peaceful and I was
for a moment happy. But then I heard a colder, shriller tap from behind, and
turned around to find the cover for the rear window I'd fashioned out of
cardboard and plastic leaking by the seams, forming a puddle that would
inevitably fill with mildew and rot. I stared at this and realized my time in
Toni was limited. Toni would mildew, rot, and disintegrate, as had all my
relationships and all of my chances at housing.

After work I got back to the car and the puddle in the back was bad but in
getting into the car I had left my wet boots on the floor of the passenger seat
so the back was the only place in which I could sleep. My head curved away from
the active dripping I heard the clack clack behind me of rain making its way
through half a dozen layers of duct tape and mockig me before I sat up and just
fucking broke down. I couldn't stay in Toni but couldn't stay anywhere else and
I was out of options and just so fucking tired and cold and damp. There was no
one to comfort me and no solace to be had. My sidekick had left for another
style of adventure, everyone in my life had been either implicitly or
explicitly transphobic towards me, and I had inconsistent access to electricity
and clean water and hadn't showered in a week. It was the lowest point of my
life. To be wet and unable to be dry, to be cold and unable to be warm, to be
so tired and unable to sleep, to be so alone with nobody left. I sobbed like a
baby and didn't care who could hear me, the rain covered the sound and whomever
it revealed my cries could kill me for all I cared - I did genuinely want
someone to just open the car door and stab me, clutch me in a warm embrace and
spill my hot blood over me so I could just be warm for one fatal instant.
Nobody came. I fell asleep.

And from this dream I wake up to a ceiling so high and a floor so dry and air
unknowing of the sound of dripping agony but acclimated to my sobs which,
though muffled, do still call silently into the night after my hosts have
hopefully fallen asleep. And I don't know how to process being thrown from the
frigid shackles in which I'd been locked into the shocking freedom of domestic
cookie cutter monotony. I don't know how to fathom the stillness. I no longer
need to run but my muscles refuse to atrophy, instead slowly cycling in my
slumber lest I rise back to the street and to another abandoned car in another
parking lot. The gray pavement on which parking lots are drawn knows me better
than any four walls. Ceiling is not my usual blanket.


/blah/2023-10-31.html

: trinity writes a rust hello world

Where I now find myself living (though to say I live here would be a lie) I am
surrounded by a couple of the smartest people I know, and through some days of
wearing me down I am donning the programmer socks and writing a Rust Hello
World program.

I am now actually wearing thigh highs.
# apk add rust

I don't actually know how to get the Rust build system going but this seems
like the best option so I'll go with this which is already packaged for
Chimera.

Oh, I'll need cargo(1) too.
# apk add cargo

One of my friends built the Rust book PDF for me which is nice because I can
consult it on my tablet while programming on the laptop.

>Foreword
>It wasn't always so clear, but the Rust programming language is fundamentally
>about *empowerment*...

Okay, I get why so many chan-types are so against Rust. But seeing how people
who know Rust use Rust I am sort of starting to get it. It's a high level
language that can be used well for systems programming, basically?

>To check whether you have Rust installed correctly, open a shell and enter
>this line:
$ rustc --version
Okay.
rustc 1.73.0 (cc66ad468 2023-10-03) (Chimera Linux)
Awesome!

I don't have rustup so I can't read the Rust docs but I'll probably be around a
web browser when programming so I think it's fine?

Rust wants me to make a Hello, World! to start, but that's not super practical
code for me. I think I'm gonna start smaller and make a true(1) implementation.

```rs
fn main() {
}
```

Works.

```rs
```

Does not work; there's no `main` function so the program doesn't know how to
execute:

error[E0601]: `main` function not found in crate `r#true`
  |
  = note: consider adding a `main` function to `true.rs`

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0601`.

I really like the `rustc --explain` thing, this reminds me of Shellcheck.
Compare to the clang error message when compiling the same file:

ld: error: undefined symbol: main
>>> referenced by crt1.c:18 (../crt/crt1.c:18)
>>>               /lib/Scrt1.o:(_start_c)
>>> referenced by crt1.c:18 (../crt/crt1.c:18)
>>>               /lib/Scrt1.o:(_start_c)
clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to see invocati
on)

There's a lot going on here that the beginner (or even proficient C programmer)
doesn't know and doesn't know how to start to know.

Alright, what about this:

```rs
fn main();
```

error: free function without a body
 --> true.rs:1:1
  |
1 | fn main();
  | ^^^^^^^^^-
  |          |
  |          help: provide a definition for the function: `{ &lt;body> }`

error: aborting due to previous error

Okay, so `fn main() { }` seems to be the simplest way to do this. How do I
return an exit code explicitly, though, so I can make a false(1)
implementation?

It was at this point one of the people I know who knows Rust came by and I told
them how I was coming along and they were really supportive of my very meager
progress.

I found some stuff here:
https://doc.rust-lang.org/std/process/struct.ExitCode.html

So instead of understanding everything that's happening I'll try just plugging
some code in, StackOverflow style:

```rs
use std::process::ExitCode;

fn main() -> ExitCode {
	ExitCode::from(0)
}
```

TRIN: Can I name you in my blog? Or should I keep saying "it was at this point
      one of the people with which I'm staying walked through on its pacing
      route"?
MARS: You can say Mars, that's fine.

TRIN:               So you can put a constant on the last line of a function
                    without a trailing semicolon to return that value?
MARS [paraphrased]: Yeah. It's less to say, "return that value" than it is to
                    say "this function has this value". Rust is a functional
                    language disguised as a procedural language.

Okay, that fucks. ExitCode has a SUCCESS constant I could also use, meaning the
equivalent to C's `E_OK` or whatever the constant provided by stdio.h is, but
I'm wary about using a library-defined constant less it changes because POSIX
does not change (much). So I think this is a good Rust true(1) implementation.
It can be found in src/true/true.rs. And src/false/false.rs:

```rs
use std::process::ExitCode;

fn main() -> ExitCode {
	ExitCode::from(1)
}
```

I just had supper which was delicious, vegan hot dogs and some macaroni my
hosts had left over. They are really delightful.

Now I wanna make echo(1). This will serve as my HelloWorld as it uses stdout
printing and, beyond the usual HelloWorld, very light argument handling. The
book mentions cargo(1) which I will be using but for now I'll stick to single
.rs files because echo(1) shouldn't have any dependencies.

It looks like std::env will give me stuff relating to arguments, std::env::args
or std::env::args_os. According to StackOverflow the difference is in typing.
I've heard docs.rs has some documentation but looking at the site it looks like
it only documents third party cargo crates, which are like C libraries but (I
think) included per-project so as to not muck up the system (I hope). I looked
up "rust std env" and found docs.rust-lang.org which has /std/env which was
what I needed.

The Rust documentation summarizes more thoroughly but, basically, an OsString,
the type instances of which are iterated through by (oh my god this sentence is
a prepositional mess I give up) an OsString is a fat pointer or whatever the
Rust equivalent is while a String is probably just a nul-terminated sequence of
bytes. Implementation-defined of course but Rust documentation notes that
OsString should be converted to a CStr before being used in UNIX system calls.
A nice detail I'm happy to know! I shouldn't have to do any string conversion;
echo(1) should spit out *exactly* what it's given (opinion; implementations
differ) just with space delimiting and newline ending. Hopefully there's a way
for me to print out an OsString without conversion or anything. I need to `use
std::ffi::{OsStr, OsString};` or something like that I think but I'm gonna try
with just `use std::env;` at first.

The use of echo(1) is defined for argc&lt;2 (print a newline alone; argc can be
zero without consequence here) and argc>=2, so it won't be necessary to return
a value from main(), Rust can just use the default successful value.

It looks like OsStr and OsString are from std::ffi which provides tools for FFI
bindings. This also notes that the Rust String is also fat and not nul
-terminated. It looks like the difference is that OsString represents an "owned
platform string" and an OsStr represents a "borrowed reference to a platform
string". This, I think, relates to memory management and a Borrow Checker
(spooky) about which I haven't gotten around to learning. Rust's std::ffi is
fascinating but while learning Rust I wanna be doing things oxidatiously or
whatever and not doing a thin Rust wrapper and then my usual C bullshit. One of
the things about Rust that excites me is that it seems to be able to make
guarantees about project stability C can't but I don't know much about that
except the stuff Mars has shown me that I don't quite understand.

So how do I iterate through env::args_os? According to its reference page,
```rs
use std::env;

fn main() {
	for argument in env::args_os() {
		println!("{argument:?}");
	}
}
```
Wow! What the fuck is a println!? According to the Rust book all we need to
know is that the `!` suffix is some Hungarian notation esque marker that
println!() is a macro. The Rust documentation provides a definition, I think,
of println:
```rs
macro_rules! println {
	() => { ... };
	($($arg:tt)*) => { ... };
}
```
I think the `{ ... }` notes abridged portions and the [...]` => { ... };`
indicates that one case is triggered by println receiving no arguments and the
other case is triggered by println receiving any other amount of arguments. I
don't know if this is actual code or anything but yeah uh... Rust macros. Cool.
What I was actually interested in is how to print without a newline. I think
there's a macro for that too.
```rs
macro_rules! print {
	($($arg:tt)*) => { ... };
}
```
Interesting. The documentation notes:
>Prints to the standard output.
>
>Equivalent to the `println!` macro except that a newline is not printed at the
>end of the message.
>Note that stdout is frequently line-buffered by default so it may be necessary
>to use `io::stdout().flush()` to ensure the output is emitted immediately.
I like the note that `fflush(stdout);` is needed because this bites C beginners
a lot when writing stuff that does something like `printf("> ");
fgets([...]);`.

I see stuff in here about `.unwrap()` and `stdout().lock()` but I hope I don't
need that because I don't understand it yet. I'm just gonna use print!. So how
do I print! an OsString? And how do I handle argc&lt;2?

The book chapter 12 actually touches on a lot of this and I stumbled upon it
looking at std::env stuff. Here's a test I can run from the book:
```rs
use std::env;

fn main() {
	let args: Vec&lt;String> = env::args().collect();
	dbg!(args);
}
```

I'll modify that a little:
```rs
use std::env;

fn main() {
	let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args().collect();
	dbg!(args);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0412]: cannot find type `OsString` in this scope
 --> echo.rs:4:19
  |
4 |     let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args().collect();
  |                   ^^^^^^^^
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/alloc/src/string.rs:365:1
  |
  = note: similarly named struct `String` defined here
  |
help: a struct with a similar name exists
  |
4 |     let args: Vec&lt;String> = env::args().collect();
  |                   ~~~~~~
help: consider importing this struct
  |
1 + use std::ffi::OsString;
  |

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0412`.

Okay.
$ sed -e '1a use std::ffi::OsString' &lt;echo.rs >echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.2.rs
error[E0277]: a value of type `Vec&lt;OsString>` cannot be built from an iterator 
over elements of type `String`
 --> echo.rs:5:43
  |
5 |     let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args().collect();
  |                                           ^^^^^^^ value of type `Vec&lt;OsStri
ng>` cannot be built from `std::iter::Iterator&lt;Item=String>`
  |
  = help: the trait `FromIterator&lt;String>` is not implemented for `Vec&lt;OsString>`
  = help: the trait `FromIterator&lt;T>` is implemented for `Vec&lt;T>`
note: required by a bound in `collect`
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/core/src/iter/traits/iterator.rs:2049:5

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0277`

Oh shit, I forgot to change env::args to env::os_args.
$ sed -e '5s.args.os_args.' &lt;echo.2.rs >echo.rs
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0425]: cannot find function `os_args` in module `env`
 --> echo.rs:5:36
  |
5 |     let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::os_args().collect();
  |                                    ^^^^^^^ help: a function with a similar 
name exists: `args_os`
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/env.rs:793:1
  |
  = note: similarly named function `args_os` defined here

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0425`.

Oops.
$ sed -e '5s.os_args.args_os.' &lt;echo.rs >echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.2.rs
$

So presumably it compiled.
$ ./echo
[echo.rs:6] args = [
    "./echo",
]

Okay, that debug macro is kinda awesome. The 500K binary makes me kinda weirded
out, what's the size of the actual echo.c (which is the complete program) when
compiled for arm64 (my current architecture)?

.rwxr-xr-x trinity trinity 9.8 KB Tue Oct 31 21:01:27 2023 🏗 a.out

This output is prettier than usual because I'm using lsd(1), a reimplementation
of the standard POSIX ls(1). My girlfriend in Florida uses it and it's really
pleasant and color codes some stuff in a way that's very useful.

10K is a lot less than half a meg. I wonder if Rust is statically compiling
versus relying on system library stuff. I don't wanna bother looking this up so
I'll go ask Mars.

Its door is closed so I'll look this up. "why are rust binaries so big" popped
up a StackOverflow post that started with "Rust uses static linking" so that
answers my question. I would assume a statically linked C executable would be
about that big, from memory I think this is true but don't wanna bother testing
because I don't have the energy to look up clang arguments.

$ cc -static echo.c
ld: error: unable to find library -l:libunwind.a
ld: error: unable to find library -latomic
ld: error: unable to find library -lc
clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to see invocati
on)

Yeah, I'm not sorting that out, I'm not building C stuff on here to distribute.

I think vec.len() will tell me how many arguments I've received?

```rs
use std::env;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args_os().collect();
	dbg!(args);
	dbg!(args.len());
}
```
$ rm echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0382]: borrow of moved value: `args`
 --> echo.rs:7:10
  |
5 |     let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = env::args_os().collect();
  |         ---- move occurs because `args` has type `Vec&lt;OsString>`, which doe
s not implement the `Copy` trait
6 |     dbg!(args);
  |     ---------- value moved here
7 |     dbg!(args.len());
  |          ^^^^ value borrowed here after move
  |

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0382`.

Okay, so now I'm talking to the borrow checker. Maybe if I assign the length to
a variable it'll work? I don't know what I'm doing.

```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let args: Vec&lt;OsString> = args_os().collect();
	let argc = args.len();
	dbg!(args);
	dbg!(argc);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
$ ./echo
[echo.rs:7] args = [
    "./echo",
]
[echo.rs:8] argc = 1

Okay. I don't know why that works but it does. Something to do with memory
management. That's not a big deal to me because I understand when I do fucky
wucks like
```py
try: print("c = " + str(
		(float(input("a = ")) ** 2
		+ float(input("b = ")) ** 2)
	** 0.5))
except ValueError: print("input must be a number")
except: pass
```
there's a lot of memory shit happening behind the scenes I don't have to worry
about, unlike in the equivalent C where I would have to handle buffer overflows
(I personally would toss the excess and skip to the newline) and string to
float conversion. Rust requiring some steps Python wouldn't makes sense to me
because while Rust is less pedantic it doesn't lie to me (much).

Let me try something now:
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let argv: Vec&lt;OsString> = args_os.collect();
	let argc = argv.len();

	if argc &lt; 2 {
		println!();
	} else {
		dbg!(argv);
	}
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
$ ./echo | hexdump -C
00000000  0a                                                |.|
00000001
$ ./echo piss shit
[echo.rs:11] argv = [
    "./echo",
    "piss",
    "shit",
]

Cool stuff. I don't think Rust has ternaries so I'm not gonna be able to do
language tricks to make the code really compact like my C implementation:
```c
#include &lt;stdio.h> /* NULL, fprintf(3), putc(3) */
#include &lt;stdlib.h> /* stdout */
#include &lt;sysexits.h> /* EX_OK */

int main(int argc, char **argv){

	if(*argv == NULL || *++argv == NULL){
		argc = 1;
		putc('\n', stdout);
	}

	while(--argc)
		fprintf(stdout, "%s%c", *(argv++), argc > 1 ? ' ' : '\n');

	return EX_OK;
}
```
Something I really like is that whereas in C I note what I use from headers in
comments like a total tool, Rust lets me bring individual structures and
functions in so I can keep track of my dependencies in code alone.

I wonder if I can
```rs
use std::env::args_os;

fn main() {
	let argc = args_os().collect().len();
	dbg!(argc);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0282]: type annotations needed
  --> echo.rs:5:26
  |
4 |     let argc = args_os().collect().len();
  |                          ^^^^^^^ cannot infer type of the type parameter `B
` declared on the method `collect`
  |
help: consider specifying the generic argument
  |
4 |     let argc = args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;_>>().len();
  |                                 ++++++++++

error: aborting due to previous error; 1 warning emitted

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0282`.

Okay, how about
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let argc = args_os().collect::Vec&lt;OsString>().len();
	dbg!(argc);
}
```
I guess function::type() specifies the type of which function should be
returning. That sort of makes sense? C doesn't have generic functions like that
but I think I understand some of what's happening there.
$ rustc echo.rs
error: generic parameters without surrounding angle brackets
  --> echo.rs:5:35
  |
5 |     let argc = args_os().collect::Vec&lt;OsString>().len();
  |                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  |
help: surround the type parameters with angle brackets
  |
5 |     let argc = args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len();
  |                                   +             +

error: aborting due to previous error

Okay. I'm changing that without copying my code because I'm not motivated to do
so. Also the actual errors are probably not byte-for-byte if for whatever
reason you're following along at home (why would you? I don't know what I'm
doing) because my code actually has a ton of snippets commented out so I don't
need to retype everything.

I made the changes it suggested and the program works. Neat. But do I need that
local variable?
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	if args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len() &lt; 2 {
		println!();
	} else {
	}
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$

No I don't! Only if I'm using it more than once, which makes sense. I'd like to
forego println!() though because I have a feeling this prelude-provided macro
will do platform-specific things and differ on NT vs UNIX due to line ending
conventions. I don't like that for a program that's supposed to follow POSIX.
It looks like std::io::Stdout exists so I'm gonna use that and put a lock on
std::stdout so I can write to it. I think this works?
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
	if args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len() &lt; 2 {
		stdout.write(b"\n"); // Rust wants a 'b' prefix
	} else {
	}
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
warning: unused `Result` that must be used
 --> echo.rs:8:9
  |
8 |         stdout.write(b"\n");
  |         ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  |
  = note: this `Result` may be an `Err` variant, which should be handled
  = note: `#[warn(unused_must_use)]` on by default
help: use `let _ = ...` to ignore the resulting value
  |
8 |         let _ = stdout.write(b"\n");
  |         +++++++

warning: 1 warning emitted

Okay, a note that I should handle the possibility of an error. I don't know how
to do that so I won't, like a true in-the-field professional.

I guess b"\n" is a Rust byte string. I don't think it's super important just
yet for me to know what that is so I'm gonna assume I'm fine.

I'm feeling devious.
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
	if args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args_os() {
			stdout.write(argument);
			stdout.write(b" ");
		}
	}
	stdout.write(b"\n")
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error[E0308]: mismatched types
 --> echo.rs:9:26
  |
9 |             stdout.write(argument);
  |                    ----- ^^^^^^^^ expected `&[u8]`, found `OsString`
  |                    |
  |                    arguments to this method are incorrect
  |
note: method defined here
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/io/mod.rs:1461:8

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0308`.

So I could look up how to turn an OsString into a `&[u8]` but I need to know
what that is because echo(1) shouldn't be dependent on "proper input" (UTF-1
should work as well as UTF-8). I checked the std::ffi::OsString methods but
none of them really told me anything I think I can use so I'm gonna look at
std::io.

Looking at the primitive u8, it's an 8-bit unsigned integer which should be
fine for my uses. The method into_os_str_bytes() should work to convert
std::ffi::OsString into a Vec&lt;u8> but the documentation notes that this is
"a nightly-only experimental API". Whatever, probably fine.

```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;

fn main() {
	let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
	if args_os().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;OsString>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args_os() {
			stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
			stdout.write(b" ");
		}
	}
	stdout.write(b"\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error[E0658]: use of unstable library feature 'os_str_bytes'
 --> echo.rs:9:35
  |
9 |             stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
  |                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  |
  = note: see issue #111544 &lt;https://github.com/rust-lang/rust/issues/111544> f
or more information

error[E0308]: mismatched types
 --> echo.rs:9:26
  |
9 |             stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
  |                    ----- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ expected `&[u8]`, fou
nd `Vec&lt;u8>`
  |                    |
  |                    arguments to this method are incorrect
  |
  = note: expected reference `&[u8]`
                found struct `Vec&lt;u8>`
note: method defined here
 --> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/io/mod.rs:1461:8
help: consider borrowing here
  |
9 |             stdout.write(&argument.into_os_str_bytes());
  |                          +

error: aborting due to 2 previous errors

Some errors have detailed explanations: E0308, E0658.
For more information about an error, try `rustc --explain E0308`.

Okay, I'll add that ampersand the borrow checker desires. I'm not sure how this
works still.
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0658]: use of unstable library feature 'os_str_bytes'
 --> echo.rs:9:36
  |
9 |             stdout.write(&argument.into_os_str_bytes());
  |                                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  |
  = note: see issue #111544 &lt;https://github.com/rust-lang/rust/issues/111544> f
or more information

error: aborting due to previous error

For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0658`.

So how do I use an unstable library feature? I'll use the rustc facilities.

$ rustc --explain E0658

This brought me into a manual snippet shown in my configured pager (I think)
with instructions on how to add a feature flag. I then did what it said and
wasn't anywhere better so I wonder if there's another way to turn an OsString
into a &[u8].

Then Mars came into the room and greeted me and I asked it how to make this
shit work. Apparently an issue is I'm running stable rustc and in order to use
nightly rustc stuff I need nightly rustc provided by using rustup instead of
the packaged rust toolchain. I don't really wanna do that but I also don't
really wanna give up so I think I'm just gonna make this a shitty echo(1)
implementation that limits input to UTF-8. But first I wanna see how someone
else has done this already.

https://github.com/uutils/coreutils.git src/uu/echo/src/echo.rs L119:
>pub fn uumain(args: impl uucore::Args) -> UResult&lt;()> {
>    let args = args.collect_lossy();
>    let matches = uu_app().get_matches_from(args);
>
>    let no_newline = matches.get_flag(options::NO_NEWLINE);
>    let escaped = matches.get_flag(options::ENABLE_BACKSLASH_ESCAPE);
>    let values: Vec&lt;String> = match matches.get_many::&lt;String>(options::STRING
) {
>        Some(s) => s.map(|s| s.to_string()).collect(),
>        None => vec![String::new()],
>    };
>
>    execute(no_newline, escaped, &values)
>        .map_err_context(|| "could not write to stdout".to_string())
>}

Those rat bastards did std::env::args.collect_lossy()! Those utter tools! I
imagine this doesn't work for binary data but I don't know and I'm not building
this because I don't wanna figure out how to right now.

Everyone is going to sleep now except me so I now feel like I need to get an
echo(1) implementation working on this, the first day I've actually started to
learn Rust. I'm just gonna go with std::env::args and Strings.

Mars also mentioned some Rust types stuff, namely &[u8] being a borrowed slice
of u8s or something. I sort of got it and sort of didn't, I did at the time I
just forgot. Sorry!

Also it came back out after I wrote that to greet me and then promptly
disappeared.

This spits out a lot of warnings:
```rs
use std::env::args;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};

fn main() {
	let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
	if args().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;String>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args() {
			stdout.write(&argument.as_bytes());
			stdout.write(b" ");
		}
	}
	stdout.write(b"\n");
}
```

This is nice but print!() handles errors I think so I'm just going back to
that.

```rs
use std::env::args;

fn main() {
	if args().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;String>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args() {
			print!(argument);
			print!(" ");
		}
	}
	print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error: format argument must be a string literal
 --> echo.rs:6:20
  |
6 |             print!(argument);
  |                    ^^^^^^^^
  |
help: you might be missing a string literal to format with
  |
6 |             print!("{}", argument);
  |                    +++++

error: aborting due to previous error

Okay.

```rs
use std::env::args;

fn main() {
	if args().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;String>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args() {
			print!("{}", argument);
			print!(" ");
		}
	}
	print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$ ./echo hello world
./echo hello world

The issue is the first argument is coming along for the ride in that for loop.
How do I skip the first iteration of an iterator?

[trial and error with .rs files and rustc omitted]

Oh.

```rs
use std::env::args;

fn main() {
	if args().collect::&lt;Vec&lt;String>>().len() >= 2 {
		for argument in args().skip(1) {
			print!("{} ", argument);
		}
	}
	print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$ ./echo Hello, world!
Hello, world!
$ ./echo Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween!

That's where I'm leaving my Rust education today. And this is day 1. Pretty
good!


/blah/2023-10-29.html

Another journal, in its entirety

2023-09-??

TODO
TODAY
x WORK 1130-2000
x GRANDPARENTS
* PRACTICE Sx Sy ? S S S Sy S S S [I was practicing writing Ses to make my
                                   handwriting look more like Ditko's]
* DOWNLOAD "PI"
* DOWNLOAD "TRINITY"
* DOWNLOAD "BARBIE"
* DOWNLOAD "OPPENHEIMER"
TOMORROW
x CLEAN [...]'S LAPTOPS
x REPACK + DECIDE WHAT GOES TO C.O.
* TEXT [...]?
LEWISTON
* MAIL [...] EDIBLES
x MAIL [...] LAPTOPS
x MAIL COLORADO
* MAKE SURE MAL'S OK
2023-09-30
x 2W NOTICE
2023-10-14
x LEAVE FOR [...]
	LEWISTON
x FLIPPER          x MODEM
x REPACK           x BAG + BIVY
  [...]            x SD ADAPTER
  MAL              x CABLES
  CALEB            x SCOTT
  GRANDPARENTS     x GOIN POSTAL
  [...]              [...]
x [...]            x [...]
x [...]            ~~[...]~~
x ~~[...]~~ [...]
x [...]

2023年09月24日

	Beginning to plot my way out of here...
	I'm back because I was overencumbered. Now I've mostly repacked, not
enough to leave but enough to be mobile. I still have too much stuff.
	Old socks stick to the bottom of your feet. Your soles meld with the
thread and ache from the dull torture. Old underwear's seams dig into you and
leave marks or acne on your ass. It's unavoidable.
	The worst parts of homelessness are the lack of regular showers or
laundry. You can survie without regular showers. Your body stops stinking so
much, your hair stops being oily to compensate for your shampoo, your learn to
live without that feeling of dry freshness. But your clothes rot. Not your good
clothes, if you were smart enouugh to plan ahead and get a wool shirt and
sturdy pants, but the clothes you don't think about - socks, underwear, bras.
Cycling through articles only delays the inevitable.
	"du" followed by 17 'h's. "Du"+17*"h"

2023-09-??

Looking at me ' up and down
thick left thigh, '' pupils blown out
I'm leaning onto brick and his pace changes tempo
- -- bitch keep walking \&lt;
decelerates, ' my voice decrescendoes
VV I'll tear your neck open and piss in your windpipe
song of the city plays still and I \<
take out my bubble gum, my flavor's out \<
swallow, chew another, passing kid begins to
                       open his mouth
bitch keep walking ||
and the time goes by \<
leaning onto brick imagining piss in a windpipe
pneumonia \<
car ' after car ' after car \<
bitch keep walking '
butterfly knife in my pocket \<
no I do not have spare change \<
I don't open my wallet '
wish I was back in the office '
yes it's dark and damp but at least \<
there's free coffee '
bitch keep walking ' 
bitch keep walkking \< (don't stop) \<
anywhere other than here \< (there's nothing here) \<
I do not want to fight \<
but if I fight it'll be ^ (quick) \<
but if I fight then I will ^ (win)
->bitch keep walking<-

everyone packs heat but I pack nothing ''
how many will die ' for a fucking macguffin
t's so pointless but it's a check and my assignment ''
don't ask me again \<
bitch keep walking | ||

six foot three built like a bee
~~~~~~~~~~~
twelve large holes around my abdomen
~~~~~~~~~~~
can't touch me
my nest is rot infested
my head is shedding centipedes
call me Blowfly Girl
I want my pestilence degree

bee threesome
poly pollinators

2023-??-??

it's the end of the line
the line down the road
and I am so thirsty
and I'm so alone
my crimson elegy
falls to the floor
the blood isn't clotting
and I'm letting go

I've made my fair share
of crossings the street
and all for attention
but it never mattered to me
when I needed space
I was given so little
when I hit my rock bottom
you said it was the middle
and I walked the line
the line down the road
because I was so hungry
now I'm so alone
the rations were scarce
and the others hardly rational
I need unconditional love
but to you it's transactional

it's the end of the line
the line down the road
I used a rusty knife
I'm not worried about tetanus anymore
and I've formed a puddle
I'm curled in a ball
everything's uncomfortably sticky
but I'm not worried at all
and when one day they ask
if my passing was mourned
you better look them in the eye
and say you wish you caught the warnings
and the casket carriers marched
me from my rest to my grave
and I lay there lazily motionless
as you'd say, I slept too late
and now I'm late and they've formed a line
the line down the road
to witness my drained body
as I'm still, so alone

2023-??-??

one don't you touch me
don't you
don't you touch me
don't you
ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding
don't you fucking cross that line
dark avenue alley
three hundred year old
don't you fucking cross that line
I'm a Hollywood star
you ungreatful little
A-------------------
this night
is the last night
is the last night
I'm alone
there is no one
baby no one
I am the one
so alone
wretched
in my harbor
and my dark
dark avenue
and the needle
sewing needle
I'm your pillow
in you go
~~~~
don't you
fucking touch me
fucking touch me
warm pillow
don't you
fucking touch me
fucking touch me
warm ~~~~~ below
~~~
don't you
fucking hurt me
fucking hurt me
down below
don't you
fucking shoot me up
your loading
gun below

2023-??-??

I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELF
THE WATER IS COLD AND DROWNS THE NOISE OUT
I FOLLOWED THE LINE JUST TO GET HERE TODAY
NOW THE BLADE'S ON THE FLOOR AND I LINGER IN PAIN

I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELF
THE CHOIR IS FAINT AND THE SIRENS FADE OUT
IT'S THE END OF THE LINE AND SO DESPERATELY
I TRACED IT INTO THE FAINTLY BLUE VEIN

WHO KILLED ME?           YOU KILLED ME
WHO PULLED THE           YOU PULLED THE
TRIGGER AT NOON?         TRIGGER AT NOON
WHO KILLED ME?           YOU PUSHED ME
ANGELS BECKON ME         INTO THIS HELL
INTO THE GLOOM           BECKONING YOU TOO
IT'S SO MURKY            IT'S SO MURKY
I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME  I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME
TO KNOW WHODUNNIT        TO SAY I'M SORRY
JUST TELL ME             I'M NOT READY
PREACH MY FATE           TOUCH MY FACE
AND HAIL TO THE SUN      AND THEN SAY IT'S DONE

I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELVES
RECKLESS DICHOTOMY NEVER WORKED OUT
IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW AND THE CURTAINS COME DOWN
I'M THIRSTY BUT IT'S QUIET NOW

2023-10-23

panel 1: [person running], thinking: GOD DAMN NECESSARY EXERCISE
panel 2: [person in baseball cap behind other person, under a starry night]
panel 3: [person in baseball cap]: I WONDER HOW MUCH BLOOD THAT GUY HAS
panel 4: [x]

[5 legged cat cartoon]

[happy kitty cartoon]

2023-10-26

TEXT [...] [x]   P.O. BOX [-]
     V          /    |  V
  APPLY FOR JOBS [x] | I.D.
                     |  V
[...]'S TIRE [ ]     | MEDICAID
V  PHOTOGRAPHY [x]   |
PINEPHONE OS [ ]     | [...] LUNCH [-] TOMORROW
                     |  V
MOP [ ]  CASH [x]     \ LIBRARY
                      V  V
[...]                 LIBRARY CARD

[...]                     1072
                          [...]

                          1068
                          [...]

2023-10-??

P.O. BOX
    |
    '----> get proof of having
           P.O. box
             |
             V
https://dmv.colorado.gov/documents

"Homeless applicants without a residential
address must provide a letter from
a government entity, or not-for-
profit organization with its letterhead
showing the facility's name, address,
and telephone number, including the
legal representative's name, signature,
and signature date. The letter must
state, 'will accept delivery of mail
for the customer.'"

2023-10-26

THURS 10-27
[...] lunch

FRI 10-28

SAT 10-29
[...] & [...] out for party afternoon/eve

SUN 10-30

2023-10-??

Emulsify, motherfucker!

-- Mx. Clean

2023-10-??

Deven Trinity Blake is currently
physically resident at

2023-10-??

PINEBUDS
 _____        _____
| . . |      | . . |
| . ._|_    _|_. . |
|   /   \  /   \   |
|_L_\_*_/  \_*_/_R_|

 TX RX         TX RX
 5V Gnd        5V Gnd

2023-10-??

[...] [...]
[...] [...]


/blah/2023-10-27.html

Someone killed a couple dozen people in my hometown a week or two after I left.
They did it with an assault rifle and went to the bowling alley where in my
childhood I attended birthday parties and a bar or something near a place at
which I used to work.

My gut reaction is very callous because I was treated very poorly in this
hometown. I and many of my friends were harrassed by the police that are now
being lauded for their unsuccessful work on finding the perpetrator of this
mass killing who fled or possibly committed suicide. On one of the streets on
which innocent people were shot en mass I was chased out of tree cover under
which I was sleeping by someone who yelled at me that they were going to kill
me because I was homeless. I know more people than were killed who died from
lack of resources and lack of help in the same town who were equally innocent.
I feel for the residents of Lewiston, Maine. I feel for the families and
friends of those who lost their lives and I am sad for those who died. But
rather than draw attention to the mental health crisis and resulting drug
crisis in Maine and helping those who are needy and suffering this slaughter
which is unprecedented in Maine history will likely be used to argue for
stricter gun laws in a refreshingly free state, and I find that really
unfortunate. However I will not ever return to Lewiston, Maine, ever, for any
reason. Once I'm established here I'm going to make a fake background and
forget I ever came from Maine. I want to never again be associated with the
place that bore me. I say this as a Mainer and as a Mainer this will be my last
thought.

I'm finding employment here, far away from Maine, and I have found a happiness
I have never known and didn't know existed. I am now of here and here is
beautiful.

2023-10-26

[1307] trinity: mountain far   above
                  rising against  the sun's fall
                tell me  where it's home


/blah/2023-10-25.html

Trinity: The [Pinephone] will turn on in your pocket and then die.
Mars:    It's just like me, narcoleptic and suicidal.


/blah/2023-10-23.html

: i just want to play the cannibalism game

Here's the current plan

 __ Linux (arm64) ______________________________________
|  Chimera                                              |
|  __ X11 ____________________________________________  |
| |  __ QEMU _______________________________________  | | ; # apk add qemu-\
| | |                                               | | | ; system-arm
| | |  __ Linux (armhf) __________________________  | | | ; $ git clone \
| | | |                                           | | | | ; https://github.com\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; /dhruvvyas90/qemu-\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; rpi-kernel
| | | | Raspberry Pi OS                           | | | | ; $ curl -O http://\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; downloads.\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; raspberrypi.org/\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; raspios_full_armhf\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; /images/raspios_\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; full_armhf-2021-11\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; -08/2021-10-30-\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; raspios-bullseye-\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; armhf-full.zip
| | | |                                           | | | | ; $ unzip 2021-10-30\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; -raspios-bullseye-\
| | | |                                           | | | | ; armhf-full.zip
| | | |  __ X11 ________________________________  | | | |
| | | | |  __ Box86 __________________________  | | | | |
| | | | | |  __ WINE _______________________  | | | | | |
| | | | | | |                               | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | The Coffin of Andy and Leyley | | | | | | |
| | | | | | |_______________________________| | | | | | |
| | | | | |___________________________________| | | | | |
| | | | |_______________________________________| | | | |
| | | |___________________________________________| | | |
| | |_______________________________________________| | |
| |___________________________________________________| |
|_______________________________________________________|

Nevermind, I used [...]'s computer to boot Windows 10 and play it. It took me
two hours and I finished in one sitting. What an excellent game.

[ 8:59 PM] trinity: finished episodr 1
[ 9:00 PM] trinity: fuck. i should make andy my pfp
[ 9:00 PM] [...]:   real
[ 9:00 PM] trinity: doing it
[ 9:00 PM] trinity: l8r
[ 9:00 PM] trinity: gotta play gamez
[ 9:00 PM] [...]:   @[...] see u can match w/ trin now too
[ 9:04 PM] [...]:   wyh
[ 9:04 PM] [...]:   huh
[ 9:04 PM] [...]:   hfbd
[ 9:04 PM] [...]:   hsha
[10:16 PM] trinity: kin andy
[...]
[10:19 PM] trinity: god FUCK
[10:20 PM] trinity: how can there be such a perfect game
[10:20 PM] [...]:   I KNOW
[10:20 PM] trinity: took me 2hrs to finish
[10:20 PM] [...]:   it's so fucking good
[10:21 PM] [...]:   can i be the third sibling
[10:21 PM] trinity: third?
[10:21 PM] trinity: kin andrew*

I cannot describe my thoughts on this game here where it will be associated
with my real identity.


/blah/2023-10-22.html

: more adventures trying to run a .exe file

So long as you can get QEMU.
qEMU?
qEmu?
QEMU according to its website.

I grabbed the RAR file of this Windows game and now I desperately want to run
it because it looks really cool. Now that I figured out unRARing it's time to
play it. However WINE (an API conversion layer from Win32 to Linux+other OSes)
won't work on the Raspberry Pi because this is an ARM processor which can't
execute x86 code, even if the API calls are translated. So I've decided this
game warrants mucking around in a lot of complicated compatibility shims.

The stack will look something like this:

 __ Raspberry Pi 4B+ 8GB _______________________________
|                                                       |
|  __ Linux __________________________________________  |   ; I'm including the
| |                                                   | |   ; kernel as its own
| | Chimera                                           | |   ; layer-maker
| |  __ X11 server _________________________________  | |   ; because QEMU will
| | |                                               | | |   ; be booting the
| | | WINE display<---------------------------------------. ; kernel image
| | |  __ urxvt __________________________________  | | | | ; itself without a
| | | |                                           | | | | | ; bootloader and
| | | |  __ QEMU amd64 _________________________  | | | | | ; from the kernel
| | | | |                                       | | | | | | ; init etc will be
| | | | |  __ Linux __________________________  | | | | | | ; spawned. The
| | | | | |                                   | | | | | | | ; Raspberry Pi also
| | | | | | Alpine                            | | | | | | | ; basically just
| | | | | |  __ WINE _______________________  | | | | | | | ; boots the kernel
| | | | | | |     ^-(X11 client)--------------------------' ; image sans loader
| | | | | | |                               | | | | | | |   ; because U-Boot.
| | | | | | | The Coffin of Andy and Leyley | | | | | | |   ; The details
| | | | | | |                               | | | | | | |   ; mentioned are the
| | | | | | |_______________________________| | | | | | |   ; ones I expect to
| | | | | |                                   | | | | | |   ; add non-trivial
| | | | | |___________________________________| | | | | |   ; overhead to
| | | | |                                       | | | | |   ; processor load,
| | | | |_______________________________________| | | | |   ; which might be a
| | | |                                           | | | |   ; problem in
| | | |___________________________________________| | | |   ; practice.
| | |                                               | | |
| | |_______________________________________________| | |
| |                                                   | |
| |___________________________________________________| |
|                                                       |
|_______________________________________________________|

This seems fine!

I had sex four times tonight and this is what I'm doing with the clarity.

So the first order of business is QEMU. This is packaged for Chimera in
multiple variants. I don't know what I'm doing so I looked it up and I think I
need qemu-system-* because I'm emulating the processor as well as the software.
# apk add qemu-system-x86_64

Now I need Alpine. I think it comes in really small images for containers.
$ curl -O https://dl-cdn.alpinelinux.org/alpine/v3.18/releases/x86_64/\
alpine-virt-3.18.4-x86_64.iso

Let's try booting.
$ qemu-system-x86_64 -cdrom alpine-virt-3.18.4-x86_64.iso
Error relocating /lib/libspice-server.so.1: __aarch64_ldadd4_acq_rel: symbol no
Error relocating /lib/libspice-server.so.1: __aarch64_ldset4_acq_rel: symbol no
Error relocating /lib/libspice-server.so.1: __aarch64_ldclr4_acq_rel: symbol no
Error relocating /lib/libspice-server.so.1: __aarch64_cas4_acq_rel: symbol not 

Hm. Same thing as root. Maybe I need a kernel image outside of the ISO? Let me
try something:
$ curl -O https://dl-cdn.alpinelinux.org/alpine/v3.18/releases/x86_64/\
alpine-minirootfs-3.18.4-x86_64.tar.gz
$ tar tf alpine-minirootfs-3.18.4-x86_64.tar.gz | head
./
./sys/
./srv/
./run/
./root/
./opt/
./mnt/
./media/
./media/usb/
./media/floppy/
$ mkdir amd64
$ &lt;alpine-minirootfs-3.18.4-x86_64.tar.gz gzip -cd | tar x -C amd64
$ man -k qemu
qemu(1) - QEMU User Documentation
qemu-img(1) - QEMU disk image utility
qemu-storage-daemon(1) - QEMU storage daemon
virtfs-proxy-helper(1) - QEMU 9p virtfs proxy filesystem helper
qemu-block-drivers(7) - QEMU block drivers reference
qemu-cpu-models(7) - QEMU CPU Models
qemu-ga-ref(7) - QEMU Guest Agent Protocol Reference Contents 0.0 • 2 QEMU Gu
qemu-qmp-ref(7) - QEMU QMP Reference Manual Contents 0.0 • 2 QEMU QMP Referen
qemu-storage-daemon-qmp-ref(7) - QEMU Storage Daemon QMP Reference Manual Con
qemu-ga(8) - QEMU Guest Agent
qemu-nbd(8) - QEMU Disk Network Block Device Server
$ man qemu # brb...
$ ls amd64 | grep linux
$ # fuck... I'm just gonna look up a tutorial

The good news is I don't think X forwarding will be necessary so that saves a
lot of trouble. The bad news is I don't know what I'm doing and am tired so
this will wait for tomorrow.

https://git.sr.ht/~sircmpwn/builds.sr.ht/tree/master/item/images/alpine/genimg
How does Drew do it?

It was at this point the file got corrupted so here's my reconstruction of this
section based on the nvim swapfile:

I return well rested, ten hours later.
# apk add qemu-img

[ 1:20 AM] trinity: trying to figure out qemu
[ 1:20 AM] trinity: not going well
[ 1:21 AM] trinity: trying again with the sun up
[ 1:21 AM] [...]:   I remember I used that for the class where we
                    re-implemented a lobotomized risc-v operating system
[ 1:22 AM] trinity: i just wanna play this rpgmaker game
[ 1:24 AM] [...]:   which one?
[ 1:29 AM] trinity: coffin of andy and leyley
[ 1:29 AM] trinity: i think i can figure this out tomorrow
[ 1:29 AM] trinity: \/when i wake up
[ 1:29 AM] [...]:   why do you need qemu to run a rpgmaker game?
[ 1:30 AM] [...]:   they run in wine
[ 1:30 AM] [...]:   someone must have built some wrapper for them if
                    wine/proton does not work
[ 1:30 AM] [...]:   you just need the fonts
[ 1:31 AM] [...]:   also I remember running touhou mother in easyrpg on my
                    steam deck
[ 1:31 AM] trinity: not on arm64
[ 1:31 AM] [...]:   oh i see
[ 1:32 AM] [...]:   WHYYYYYYYY
[ 1:32 AM] [...]:   WHY HAS THIS SPREAD SO FAR
[ 1:32 AM] [...]:   is that the incest canibalism one?
[ 1:33 AM] [...]:   no comment
[ 1:33 AM] [...]:   :3

Drew bootstraps an extremely minimal Alpine x86_64 image with just enough
packages to self-host. However in the genimg script there is this one line:
30	dd if=/usr/share/syslinux/mbr.bin of=/dev/nbd0 bs=1 count=440
which relies on there being an existing SYSLINUX installation on the host. This
won't work on ARM64 for which there is no SYSLINUX and Chimera doesn't have a
GCC x86_64 cross compiler packaged and I don't wanna have to compile gcc for
this so I'm just gonna find a way that's different from Drew's way.

I'm gonna try using the standard ISO now because that should have a kernel and
means to boot on x86_64 already. I wonder if I can boot it as a live system and
no shit it has no X server. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to install?

Fuck this shit. I'm just gonna figure out Box86.

Actually Box64 because I don't wanna figure out armhf stuff today.

; doas gmake 
[  1%] Building C object CMakeFiles/interpreter.dir/src/emu/x64run.c.o
/usr/local/src/box64/src/emu/x64run.c:1351:47: error: expected expression
                emu->segs[_ES] = *(__uint16_t*)(((char*)ED)+4);
                                              ^
/usr/local/src/box64/src/emu/x64run.c:1351:36: error: use of undeclared identif
ier '__uint16_t'
                emu->segs[_ES] = *(__uint16_t*)(((char*)ED)+4);
                                   ^
/usr/local/src/box64/src/emu/x64run.c:1364:47: error: expected expression
                emu->segs[_DS] = *(__uint16_t*)(((char*)ED)+4);
                                              ^
/usr/local/src/box64/src/emu/x64run.c:1364:36: error: use of undeclared identif
ier '__uint16_t'
                emu->segs[_DS] = *(__uint16_t*)(((char*)ED)+4);
                                   ^
4 errors generated.
gmake[2]: *** [CMakeFiles/interpreter.dir/build.make:76: CMakeFiles/interpreter
.dir/src/emu/x64run.c.o] Error 1
gmake[1]: *** [CMakeFiles/Makefile2:113: CMakeFiles/interpreter.dir/all] Error 
2
gmake: *** [Makefile:166: all] Error 2

it is all so tiresome. This also matters less because I'm gonna need Box86
anyway. Maybe I should make a QEMU virtual machine for Raspberry Pi OS, install
Box86 and Box86's packages on that, and then have it all nice and dandy?
# apk add qemu-system-arm
# apk del qemu-system-x86_64

End recovered segment.

I'm gonna use the armhf image because I don't think this EXE is 64-bit and
it'll cut out all of the compat stuff.
$ curl https://downloads.raspberrypi.com/raspios_armhf/images/\
raspios_armhf-2023-10-10/2023-10-10-raspios-bookworm-armhf.img.xz \
	| xz -cd \
	>2023-10-10-raspios-bookworm-armhf.img
1238MB... jeez... time to plug in the laptop fan
The tutorial I'm following provided a link to a GitHub repo with a Raspberry Pi
QEMU Linux kernel image which is awesome. Except there's no Linux 6.1 so I'm
gonna have to go a version behind. This is all to play one video game so we can
move fast and break things without risking all hell breaking loose.
$ rm 2023-10-10-raspios-bookworm-armhf.img
Except where are the old OS versions? I can't find them on the Raspberry Pi
website.
Found by looking up, good old no-TLS HTTP: http://downloads.raspberrypi.org/
The newest kernel provided by the GitHub repo is 5.10.63, which corresponds
according to the Raspberry Pi OS Full armhf release notes (raspios_full_armhf
/release_notes.txt) to the 2021-10-30 release. But that download isn't in this
HTTP source. I think 5.4.51, which is provided in the repo, will work with
2020-08-24, though that version isn't mentioned in the release notes, because
the release notes' mentioned 2020-08-20 does have that version. The issue is
the release notes' dates don't line up with the actual downloads provided.
Strange. Whatever. Let's just try this and hope it works.
Oh, what the fuck? The dates in the folders are different? fucking hell
look at this fucking URL:

http://downloads.raspberrypi.org/raspios_full_armhf/images/
raspios_full_armhf-2020-08-24/ &lt;- 2020-08-24
2020-08-20-raspios-buster-armhf-full.info &lt;- WTF?????

I'm so tired and just want to read about hot cartoon characters butchering
people. Kernel 5.10.63! 2021-10-30! Of course, in the 2021-11-08 folder! I
should have known!
$ curl -O http://downloads.raspberrypi.org/raspios_full_armhf/images/\
raspios_full_armhf-2021-11-08/2021-10-30-raspios-bullseye-armhf-full.zip
$ # .zip? are you kidding me? 3.0GB??? This is gonna be an hour download...

Fucking hell. See you tomorrow.


/blah/2023-10-21.html

: fuck unrar

I run Chimera Linux, an Alpine-based operating system still in its very early
stages but stable enough that I trust it for my meager, mostly console and X11
based workflow. It can run a C compiler, so good enough for me. The only issue
is, despite being based on Alpine, a popular operating system not for desktop
but for embedded environments like containers, for which a lot of software is
packaged and available in system repositories, Chimera does not have a lot of
packages. I'm going to package UNRAR, a non-free ("freeware") tool that has no
dependencies aside from the C++ standard library, to get a feel for Alpine
packaging.

UNRAR is an almost delightful little tool with the unfortunate, heinous problem
of being non-free, and its license forbidding the use of the provided source
code for reimplementation - otherwise I would just rewrite it in sane C89
without encumbrence. But we don't need to read the source code in order to
compile the C++.

The Alpine Wiki section on Creating an Alpine package says to apk add
alpine-sdk but Chimera has no such thing so hopefully that's fine. It says to
check out the aports tree but I don't want to put my packages upstream (dealing
with large software projects is tiresome and I know Chimera is in a constant
state of flux).

I did this:

# mkdir -p /var/cache/distfiles
# chmod a+w /var/cache/distfiles

I now need abuild-keygen according to the wiki but it isn't installed.
$ apk search abuild-keygen
pulled up nothing. Nor did a package contents search. Maybe it's fine? On a
whim I searched cbuild* in the contents search and found apk:base-cbuild-progs.
# apk add base-cbuild-progs
(1/1) Installing base-cbuild-progs (0.1-r2)
OK: 2083 MiB in 896 packages

On the Chimera Linux website I found the Chimera-specific packaging stuff.
There is a cports repository with Packaging.md but it's kind of long so I'll
use it as a reference while following the less complete Alpine guide. This is
the rat bastard approach to software but I am doing this for my own uses and
for pleasure and I don't wanna spend five hours contributing to this project
right now because I am tired.

I need newapkbuild but don't have it so I'll try to find the default template
on-line or go off an existing thingy.

I found contrib/jq/template.py so I'll copy that.

pkgname = "unrar"

What's the pkgver?

$ cd /usr/local/src/unrar
-sh: 5: cd: can't cd to /usr/local/src/unrar
$ cd /usr/local/src
$ ls
$ 
Connection to tebibyte.media closed.
; # oops
; cd /usr/local/src/unrar
; cat version.hpp
#define RARVER_MAJOR     6
#define RARVER_MINOR    24
#define RARVER_BETA      1
#define RARVER_DAY      17
#define RARVER_MONTH     9
#define RARVER_YEAR   2023
# apk del qemu-system-x86_64


/blah/2023-10-21.html

: fuck unrar

I run Chimera Linux, an Alpine-based operating system still in its very early
stages but stable enough that I trust it for my meager, mostly console and X11
based workflow. It can run a C compiler, so good enough for me. The only issue
is, despite being based on Alpine, a popular operating system not for desktop
but for embedded environments like containers, for which a lot of software is
packaged and available in system repositories, Chimera does not have a lot of
packages. I'm going to package UNRAR, a non-free ("freeware") tool that has no
dependencies aside from the C++ standard library, to get a feel for Alpine
packaging.

UNRAR is an almost delightful little tool with the unfortunate, heinous problem
of being non-free, and its license forbidding the use of the provided source
code for reimplementation - otherwise I would just rewrite it in sane C89
without encumbrence. But we don't need to read the source code in order to
compile the C++.

The Alpine Wiki section on Creating an Alpine package says to apk add
alpine-sdk but Chimera has no such thing so hopefully that's fine. It says to
check out the aports tree but I don't want to put my packages upstream (dealing
with large software projects is tiresome and I know Chimera is in a constant
state of flux).

I did this:

# mkdir -p /var/cache/distfiles
# chmod a+w /var/cache/distfiles

I now need abuild-keygen according to the wiki but it isn't installed.
$ apk search abuild-keygen
pulled up nothing. Nor did a package contents search. Maybe it's fine? On a
whim I searched cbuild* in the contents search and found apk:base-cbuild-progs.
# apk add base-cbuild-progs
(1/1) Installing base-cbuild-progs (0.1-r2)
OK: 2083 MiB in 896 packages

On the Chimera Linux website I found the Chimera-specific packaging stuff.
There is a cports repository with Packaging.md but it's kind of long so I'll
use it as a reference while following the less complete Alpine guide. This is
the rat bastard approach to software but I am doing this for my own uses and
for pleasure and I don't wanna spend five hours contributing to this project
right now because I am tired.

I need newapkbuild but don't have it so I'll try to find the default template
on-line or go off an existing thingy.

I found contrib/jq/template.py so I'll copy that.

pkgname = "unrar"

What's the pkgver?

$ cd /usr/local/src/unrar
-sh: 5: cd: can't cd to /usr/local/src/unrar
$ cd /usr/local/src
$ ls
$ 
Connection to tebibyte.media closed.
; # oops
; cd /usr/local/src/unrar
; cat version.hpp
#define RARVER_MAJOR     6
#define RARVER_MINOR    24
#define RARVER_BETA      1
#define RARVER_DAY      17
#define RARVER_MONTH     9
#define RARVER_YEAR   2023

I guess it doesn't matter because the download link says 6.12.2, so I'll just
put that. Maybe I have a different version. I don't care.

pkgver = "6.12.2" # 
pkgrel = 0 # default
build_style = "makefile"
make_cmd = "gmake" # this probably doesn't matter, it worked with bmake too
make_dir = "."
hostmakedepends = [ "gmake" ]
pkgdesc = "Extracts from RAR archives"
maintainer = "trinity &lt;trinity@trinity.moe>"
# license is tricky. how does alpine do it?
# checked. alpine does not do it, because unrar is non-free

What is this license, anyway?

; cat license.txt
 ******    *****   ******   UnRAR - free utility for RAR archives
 **   **  **   **  **   **  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 ******   *******  ******    License for use and distribution of
 **   **  **   **  **   **   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 **   **  **   **  **   **         FREE portable version
                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The source code of UnRAR utility is freeware. This means:

   1. All copyrights to RAR and the utility UnRAR are exclusively
      owned by the author - Alexander Roshal.

   2. UnRAR source code may be used in any software to handle
      RAR archives without limitations free of charge, but cannot be
      used to develop RAR (WinRAR) compatible archiver and to
      re-create RAR compression algorithm, which is proprietary.
      Distribution of modified UnRAR source code in separate form
      or as a part of other software is permitted, provided that
      full text of this paragraph, starting from "UnRAR source code"
      words, is included in license, or in documentation if license
      is not available, and in source code comments of resulting package.

   3. The UnRAR utility may be freely distributed. It is allowed
      to distribute UnRAR inside of other software packages.

   4. THE RAR ARCHIVER AND THE UnRAR UTILITY ARE DISTRIBUTED "AS IS".
      NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND IS EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED.  YOU USE AT 
      YOUR OWN RISK. THE AUTHOR WILL NOT BE LIABLE FOR DATA LOSS, 
      DAMAGES, LOSS OF PROFITS OR ANY OTHER KIND OF LOSS WHILE USING
      OR MISUSING THIS SOFTWARE.

   5. Installing and using the UnRAR utility signifies acceptance of
      these terms and conditions of the license.

   6. If you don't agree with terms of the license you must remove
      UnRAR files from your storage devices and cease to use the
      utility.

      Thank you for your interest in RAR and UnRAR.

                                            Alexander L. Roshal

Line omitted before signature because of how this blah is formatted.

This is fucking bullshit. I'm already in violation of clause 6 because I wish
Alexandar L. Roshal to eat flaming death and be obliterated from this mortal
plane but I won't be fucking anyone over legally by copying the code.

2021-10-20

[ 9:52 PM] trinity: bsdtar WORKS ON FUCKING RAR FILES?????
[ 9:52 PM] trinity: 7z DID NOT DO THE JOB BUT bsdtar DID?
[ 9:58 PM] [...]:   that's shocking actually wtf 
[10:03 PM] trinity: bsdtar errors out too :(
[10:03 PM] trinity: no unrar package for chimera
[10:04 PM] trinity: not pkgsrcing it because 500 deps compiling on a raspberry
                    pi
[10:18 PM] trinity: figured out how to build unrar from source. NO DEPS!
[10:18 PM] trinity: for nonfree software it sure is easy build
[10:21 PM] [...]:   why somebody would ever use a nonfree compressed archive
                    format is beyond me
[10:21 PM] [...]:   .tar.gz is standard. .arc and .zpaq are fucking insane with
                    compression ratios.

2021-10-21

[12:12 AM] trinity: i really dont understand use of rar
[12:12 AM] trinity: as mainstream archives go 7z is a lot better
[12:13 AM] [...]:   yeah
[12:13 AM] [...]:   I see rar used a lot in piracy stuff and I'm not rlly sure
                    what that's about
[12:19 AM] [...]:   wait i can use bsdtar for unrar
[12:19 AM] [...]:   pog
[12:20 AM] trinity: unrar works better
[12:20 AM] [...]:   i dont have any way to unrar things atm because i
                    uninstalled unrar for being nonfree
[12:20 AM] trinity: unrar for nonfree software is not very bad. i oughtta just
                    rewrite it in C
[12:20 AM] [...]:   someone has done that
[12:21 AM] [...]:   you could build on their work
[12:21 AM] trinity: wouldnt that be free software
[12:21 AM] trinity: fuck actually i dont like unrar's everything i should just
                    make my own unrar based on the nonfree code
[12:22 AM] trinity: license forbids this :(
[12:22 AM] [...]:   violating proprietary licenses is based
[12:23 AM] [...]:   unrar (super illegal edition!!)
[12:23 AM] [...]:   it doesnt currently work afaik. it works for older rar files
[12:24 AM] trinity: is there much difference
[12:26 AM] trinity: REing rar seems to not be that useful because soon everyone
                    that uses it will be dead and everyone will be using
                    something open
[12:27 AM] [...]:   idk
[12:27 AM] [...]:   rarverse engineering
[12:28 AM] [...]:   ill probably just write a wrapper for bsdtar that can be
                    called on rar files
[12:28 AM] [...]:   rawrverse engineewing~ >.&lt;
[12:29 AM] trinity: because unrar, while proprietary, can be compiled with any
                    C++ compiler and make tool and works with standard POSIX
                    APIs, i don't think the ability to decompress will be
                    threatened any time soon. best rebellion is just to decomp
                    and recomp rar files into better formats
[12:30 AM] trinity: did you know that rawr means i love you in dinosaur

AAAA I give up.

Chimera docs say very little about -doc packages, which should have the license
file for the current software if the license is custom, which UnRAR's is. So
license.txt should go in "$pkgdir"/usr/share/licenses/$pkgname/COPYING

Wait I get it. The cbuild will automagically add that license to the -doc
package for me. Nevermind. So I just have to

license = "custom"

def post_install(self):
	self.install_license("license.txt")

url = "https://www.rarlab.com/rar_add.htm"
source = f"https://www.rarlab.com/rar/unrarsrc-{pkgver}.tar.gz"

Okay, this would probably work, but I don't care to actually button this up and
PR it so that's all it will be. Here's how it looks in my src/Makefile which
works better for my uses:

# depends on
#	apk:g++
$(PREFIX)/bin/unrar:
	git clone https://github.com/pmachapman/unrar.git "$(PREFIX)"/src/unrar
	$(MAKE) -C "$(PREFIX)"/src/unrar
	$(INSTALL) -Dm0755 "$(PREFIX)"/src/unrar/unrar "$(PREFIX)"/bin/unrar

To be honest, I copied the install(1) permission from somewhere else. Not sure
if 0755 is the best config. But I don't care because FUCK UNRAR!!!!


/blah/2023-10-14.html

: no filter

When I started at Burger King in 2020 I started at a location I would learn was
known for its bigotry, low food quality, and exceptionally shitty workforce.
Though most could be known for this, this Burger King in particular was quite
bad at all of those things and I would come to learn its employees gave zero
shits about even the barest of standards. I would see employees drop bottles of
sauce on the ground and pick them up without cleaning them or even changing
their gloves in the process, contaminating food with floor bacteria. Employees
dropping raw chicken using their gloves and no tongs and continuing to make
sandwiches with the same gloves used to touch raw chicken. Cross contamination
between all raw and cooked food and often between their phones, and the floor,
and the food. After the age of 17 I started eating at restaurants a lot less.

I applied to Burger King as a joke while on call with my Information Technology
class in school in 2020. School during 2020 was, due to the COVID-19 pandemic,
virtual and hosted on-line in Zoom meetings, so on one monitor (a 70Hz NEC
MultiSync) I had Zoom running and on another (a slightly newer, higher-
resolution Acer monitor) I had the Carrols application process. I needed money.
A job - a legitimate job, which I had never had before, nor one where the end
wasn't defined at the start - seemed like an easy solution. I set my
availability to 1700-2000 after school days so I could get 15 hours a week in
three hour spurts, not much but enough to wet my whistle and get a taste for
the work if I wished to continue.

They gave me a call that day maybe, or the day after. I sounded good on the
telephone so I was brought in for an interview. I arrived an hour early and sat
in a nearby parking lot playing Chocolate Doom on my netbook running Debian, I
think, and trying to page through Simulations and Simulacra though it took me a
month to get through the first paragraph because of how dense it is and the
confusing nature of the initial parenthetical statement. But the general
manager who interview me didn't know that, instead he saw a book with a
confusingly worded cover and a high school student who was also attending two
colleges (officially; taking classes at one and dually enrolled in the other)
and a technical school (for Information Technology) and who wanted to learn to
cook. After forty-five minutes of waiting I went into the building, told them I
had an interview, waited twenty minutes (five minutes past when the interview
was set), and interviewed for ten minutes where the manager clarified some
stuff on my application and hired me on the spot. I accepted.

The job was meant to be a temporary job, at least when I accepted. It was close
to Staples where I could apply my IT certifications once I finished them and
then mosey my way onto better jobs while going to college. Then while I was
working there the Staples went out of business and I watched one of my
classmates a year ahead of me quit the computer store nearby because the
management was abusive. So I would have no computer-related job.

My first day, Halloween 2020, a Saturday if I recall correctly, I was sat in
front of a computer after walking across town to the job (this was something
like a ninety minute walk because I was at the time very fat, very out of
shape, and very slow) and spent three hours first filling out my application
and then watching videos explaining the job.

When prompted for my gender I filled out "Prefer not to say" on the computer,
knowing I was a woman but could not safely come out especially in that school
with those parents and knowing those people. I later watched the same manager
get prompted by the computer to answer the question I didn't. He chose Male.

I memorized the cards hanging from the ceiling showing how to build the
sandwiches. The Whopper: mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, pickle. Wrong,
actually; mayo, lettuce, tomato, pickle, ketchup, onion. And later the meat
came before the mayo rather than before the pickle. But this explanation is
best for another time. Yesterday, my last day, a co-worker who was there my
first day that Halloween remembered me standing there trying to memorize the
cards. I was green and wet behind the ears and everything else that applies to
those who are new to what they are doing but think they will not only have fun
but quickly become very good at their job. I did neither.

My first day on the job I was placed in a little-used area of the kitchen and
trained with a classmate from the year behind me on making the Whopper. Grab a
five-inch sesame bun, toast it, take out a paper and place it on the board.
Place the bun, spread mayo on the top bun, add a dusting of lettuce, two
tomatoes, get the patty, four pickles, three rings of ketchup, and three rings
of onion. My turn. The mayo hard a hard time staying on the spatula and I had
to dip the spatula many times to finish spreading it on the bun. The lettuce I
couldn't figure out, I always did too much or too little. Tomatoes, fine, but I
went and grabbed one and placed it, grabbed the other and placed it. Meat,
fine. Pickles, I always grabbed too many or too few, and it took me a moment to
place them. Ketchup I used my forearm to move the bottle rather than the wrist
as I should have. Onions I couldn't grab correctly and it took me a moment to
spread them. My initial time spent making one Whopper was three or four
minutes.

I came in at probably 1500 or so and left at 1800. I can't say for sure but
that's what I would imagine because my first many shifts were three-hour stints
and this would be from a little after I got out of high school to when the
kitchen started to get busy. The person with which I trained left Burger King
maybe a couple months ago.

After proving my ineptitude when it came to the kitchen, but being too socially
awkward to interact with customers, I was put on videos again. The videos
explained simple things about sanitation that even at first were clearly not
accurate to what was happening in the kitchen. I naively assumed this
difference came from my coworkers not knowing the contents of the videos and so
started to mention these differences in hopes we could make food properly and
safely. After a little while these corrections started to be less and less well
received.

I don't remember much of Winter 2020 because I was busy with school, struggling
with my parents - about whom I write very little, because I try not to speak
ill of others - and trying to figure out how to get out of my current and
stifling situation.

My coworkers frequently used slurs of ableist, homophobic, and transphobic
natures. Among them r-----, f-----, and tr---- were common utterances and I
pretended they didn't affect me despite falling into the categories
particularly insulted by all three profanities. It was the heyday of anti-
Capitalist Twitter and the same time period in which I started engaging with
higher level philosophical thingies like gender accelerationism, anarchism,
juche. The time period where I discovered nuances even in things where I didn't
expect them like the DPRK's place within the world. I knew what the "triggered
Liberal" acted like and I knew what the stereotypical tr---- looked like. My
gender identity was expressed only in private among friends with the exception
of losing a bet I knew I couldn't win and wearing a dress in class. However I
was too fat for it and ended up getting stuck in the dress. I've lost 55 pounds
in the years since.

Things came to a head when, one day when I mentioned to a co-worker that they
should use tongs rather than their gloved hands to scoop chicken nuggets into a
bag for a customer, that co-worker started to rant about how slow I was in the
kitchen and how customers didn't need their food made well, they needed it made
fast. I responded with my own soapboxing saying that while my food was made
slowly I was one of few that could actually meet basic standards and that a
sandwich made missing a tomato or pickle or with the wrong amount of ketchup,
or a chicken nugget bag missing a chicken nugget or a fry pod filled with too
few fries couldn't justify even the minimum wait for the food and that making a
customer come back to get correctly made food would take even longer than my
making the food slowly but correct the first time. The assistant manager agreed
with me but admitted that management had been discussing ways to get rid of me
because I took too long in the kitchen and was too adamant about things not
being picked up off the ground and tongs being used.

When, a week later, I mentioned I was thinking about trying another store, they
sent me to the other Burger King location in the town for a 9.5 hour shift, the
longest shift I had worked at that time. When I said I liked it they sent me
for a second shift. That manager said it was great to have me there as one of
their own, and I said that would be cool, wouldn't it, and he looked confused
and asked me if I knew I had been transferred permanently.

2023-10-13

[ 4:36 PM] trinity: this burger king is so funny. it's amazing it functions
[ 4:38 PM] trinity:
                   	ricky: "i say what i want, i have no filter. i dont
                    	        care who i offend"
                    	trin: "wow ricky you're so cool for having no self
                    	       control"
                    	ricky: "okay, this shit is seriously starting to piss
                     	        me off."
                     	        **WALKS OUT OUT OF ANGER AT MY JOKE**
[ 4:38 PM] trinity: the assistant manager said holy shit did that really just
                    happen and this morning told the gm and the gm thought it
                    was funny as fuck
[ 4:39 PM] [...]:   lmfaoo
[ 4:39 PM] [...]:   ricky sounds like such a guy
[...]
[10:18 PM] [...]:   he got offended


/blah/2023-10-08.html

An angel commits to sin...

I'm hallucinating, just a little. I think it's exhaustion. Everything is just a
little unreal.

Yesterday I had a cigarette. The day before I did too. That's four since
starting to quit.

Today I read Blood Stained Teeth #2-5 (2022). I've recently read The Vampyr
(1816), Tales to Astonish #1-2 (1958), #3-9 (1959), #10-17 (1960), #18-29
(1961), #30-41 (1962), Fantastic Four #1-3 (1961), #4-5 (1962), The Incredible
Hulk #1-4 (1962), V for Vendetta #1-6 (1988), #07-10 (1989), and the entirety
of Death Note. Oh, also Injection #1-5 (2015), #06-10 (2016), #10-15 (2017), No
Longer Human (2019), and some other stuff. Reading Alias Grace (1996) and quite
enjoying it.

I've been reading a lot lately. I have a lust for passive but self-paced
entertainment and adult-oriented comic books have been hitting the point
between candy for eyes and food for thought. Particularly V for Vendetta, which
has excellent and distinct artwork, and Blood Stained Teeth which is a visual
fever dream very different from but reminiscent of Panty and Stocking with
Garterbelt, an animation from Gainax. Art overflowing with passion.

I think Anarchism most closely resembles my political beliefs but I'm not sure.
I don't particularly care about labels but as a word-as-summary they are
useful. When someone falls in the mosh pit you help them up, there's no more to
it.

[...] has been discussing Zen Buddhism in [...] and it's fascinating, and not
quite what I had thought it was from pop culture education.

I've been learning Toki Pona passively and it is a very fun language.

I have my Raspberry Pi set up perfectly. Absolutely perfectly. This is my ideal
setup for a computer. It's such a shame that this is a temporary setup; it will
be replaced by my ClockworkPi uConsole when it comes ("this" being a CrowPi2
with the disadantage of not having a battery and thus being tethered either to
the wall (via AC adapter) or my power pack (via DC 5525 or whatever it is)
which can't injest power while delivering voltage out of the barrel jack
("power pack" being the Shargeek Storm2 or whatever it's called now).

I discovered strerror(3) recently and my life has become a lot easier.

Fight or flight? I flap my angel wings and am spirited away.

I talked to Usagi for the first time in a while. I was so weird to her. So
weird. And she is still my friend. I was so weird and she has no problem with
it whatsoever. Acceptance is so rare.

Yesterday I wanted to die. Today I am ready to accept death should it happen to
me, but I will do what I can to prevent it. I don't think I'll ever fear death
but I don't long for it when I'm doing decently. Yesterday I was not doing
decently. I have been cold and nervous for a long while now and have not known
genuine safety since August. My body is in fight or flight mode and has been
for a while. I am less a rabbit and more a hare.

I've been using Chimera Linux and absolutely love it.


/blah/2023-10-05.html

Today taking my bag of trash out I noticed my old kitchen manager, one of those
partly to blame for my training, doing the same with the restaurant's trash. He
asked me if I'd heard from my sidekick using a name that while attributable to
her was not her herself - too formal and she would say in more words
incongruous [is that a word?] to her being. This was my first red flag of the
day but the person himself is a walking one his own, a Lady Gaga song glorifier
and notorious gossip not to mention lacking in empathy or humbleness, afflicted
even worse by the latter two than myself.

I cannot think of him without thinking of my training in 2021 when I was
seventeen and he in twenties and I pulled a trash can from one inaccessible
location to a better one and I by himself was pulled aside and told unkindly
not to meddle with any sort of kitchen organization whatsoever, because he was
running the kitchen and his food making ship needed to be tight and
disciplined. Perhaps this was true, but whatever discipline he taught was yet
unaware of the basics of food safety as he gripped the trash bag liner to bring
the can back and forth on wheels from under the preparation table where he kept
it, contaminating the gloves with which he would make food with the retch
byproducts from the junk we organized.

The same supposed manager, at that time technically the same role as my own
though given authority by that which did have it to give, that would tell me I
was a fool for going from chicken to beef - both cooked - without changing my
gloves and washing my hands, would go from raw meat to cooked comfortably with
contaminated tongs sitting in the no doubt E. Coli plentiful meat well
protecting food from bacteria, and do the same when tending to chicken between
frozen bird and fried. This is extremely common in food preparation and I
encourage any reader not to consume that which you did not produce or at least
prepare. I've never seen the use of preventing food from touching food when
both are flesh and both thoroughly dead and thoroughly cooked, nor have I ever
seen the sense in crossing the dead and preserved with the dead whose food
safety is preserved. Nor have I ever seen how his taking me out of line and
chewing me out for moving a trash can was justified when I was trying to
guarantee the food safety that was not my responsibility but his.

TRINITY:	She's not doing well- I thought it was kind of obvious. You
        	should talk to her yourself.
[...]:  	You and she both have this thing where you're rude- whatever, I
        	guess I'll just go fuck myself.
TRINITY:	Enjoy fucking yourself then.

And then I left on my scooter and heard him say something behind me. My
assumption though not charitable is he made a remark either about my being
transgender or being homeless, both things that while he may accept he is glad
certainly to not experience. But I can't say for sure. And I could say while I
may not have a ceiling or roof, at least I have my heart.


/blah/2023-10-04.html

2023-09-28 I woke up a little after midnight at my workplace to my coworkers
finishing close. I put my backpack on and scooted out and down the hill to find
the old lookout point one of my former roommates had mentioned once.

The path was blocked by three boulders placed so as to prevent automobile
through-traffic. I walked by them and up the hill through the path. The
streetlight faded behind me and soon I was alone among the dark silence save
for the chatter of the crickets and varied twig-snapping of unseen nocturnal
creatures, the friends of Nowhere, Maine.

I came to a pile of strewn trash among, if it had been warmer, which would have
been flies I suppose and bits of nastiness that are begotten by nastiness.
Hoping this was the only bit decrepid in this desolation I walked further. It
was cold and I was tired so when I saw the needles and blood I made no reaction
even after my slow realization of what had happened there.

It was not a place of honor, there was nothing to be had or found there, and
had I known better I would have fled immediately to avoid the fate that had
befallen what was left of whomever that had found ruin among the brush and
uncaring wilderness. This was the fate of the addict when they find an
apathetic owner of a chainsaw and these were the pieces that, should I chose to
indulge in mainlined drugs, will compose myself as well. Dogs or cats or foxes
or wolves had got to what was left but what had happened was apparent. The baby
stroller and diapers and formula pouches told the rest of the story. I stood
for a while comprehending this mess, processing without being able to process.
Nor it being safe to do so.

My grandmother has no sympathy for addicts though even she wishes they'd get
better and supports the free dispersal of naloxone for those that need it. She
doesn't see why an addict should redose rather than purchase warmth or water,
not to mention inhabit a crack shack rather than find work and hearth and life.
She's smart. She's never looked down drunkenly at an empty bottle or
experienced lethargic purple haze and stupefied daze that accompanies the
shortening of a rolled joint. She's never craved a cigarette like I have. She
couldn't imagine it. She couldn't imagine my knowing the feeling. She can't
answer my questions for her - how sober lukewarm shelter could compare to pure
happiness coursing through a vein, or how hydration could compare to not
needing to care about any need, physical or emotional. Perhaps money can't buy
one love, but there are things a person enjoys more. At least at first.

I've been through the downward spiral slipping from shelter to smaller shelter
like a sieve, looking only for acceptance and a place to sleep and finding
scarce the former and only more expensive the latter while my pay doesn't
increase nearly as quickly as the cost to live. One shot would kill me years
later after hundreds more, perhaps not as directly the first as the last, but
the first would be my death all the same. I know this. The sound ice makes when
it hits water and feels the sharp difference in temperature accompanied by the
whoosh of butane and naked laugh of the crazed fiend hungry for more pleasure,
more solace, a hoard of catharsis never to be experienced, only kept like a rat
keeps food for winter, and the drawing in of the needle and the flick and snap
of the glass and rubber band and push of it in and the mind out and let the
reason bleed out of you in transparent drool and snot and let the eyes droop
and heart swell with unearned passion. As much as it would be my comfort then
it is my recurring nightmare now. And it's not inevitable, because I will make
it out of this hell before it chains me and loses the key.

Hyperlinks relating to moulage

https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/narrenturm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moulage
https://www.unmc.edu/newsroom/2014/01/07/unmc-history-101-medicine-in-wax/
https://blog.unmc.edu/2013/09/04
	/dan-brick-lays-the-foundation-for-realistic-simulation/
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bd
	/The_Dead_Pearl_Diver_by_Benjamin_Paul_Akers_2.jpg
https://www.aoc.gov/explore-capitol-campus/art/ulysses-s-grant-statue

Hyperlinks relating to CrowPi2 programming

https://github.com/WiringPi/WiringPi
http://wiringpi.com/examples/blink/
https://github.com/Elecrow-RD/CrowPi2/tree/main/known_issues
https://github.com/Elecrow-RD/CrowPi/blob/master/Examples/segment.py
https://www.adafruit.com/product/877#description
https://github.com/adafruit/Adafruit_LED_Backpack
https://cdn-shop.adafruit.com/datasheets/ht16K33v110.pdf
http://wiringpi.com/reference/i2c-library/

[Xlib](https://www.x.org/releases/X11R7.7/doc/libX11/libX11/libX11.html)


/blah/2023-10-03.html

everything sucks so fucking hard

So. Roommates got evicted. Seeing the writing on the wall I packed my shit up
and left. Now that my repack's done I am now comfortably contained in a
backpack with strapped on sleeping bag and scooter on my shoulder. Where to go
next, though, was complicated.

2023-09-26 I got out of work and went back to my roommates. They were squatting
and for lack of space elsewhere I slept in the kitchen in my clothes and jacket
next to the litter box. The cats kept staring at me. It smelled like shit and
piss and the cats would paw at the litter to toss it on me. I got an hour of
sleep and went to work early.

2023-09-27 I got out of work and scooted up the street to a Dollar Tree around
which I scooted and found a nice clear area behind a railing next to a parking
lot. At work I had debated leaving the scooter. It's weight and something else
to carry. Eventually I just brought it though and it lay next to me in the
brush.

I laid out my sleeping bag, opened a book on my tablet, and silently and
comfortably if a little bit chilly read Hulk comics until I heard a distant
yell.

You mother fuck!

I looked up but I couldn't see the source.

Get out of here!

Perhaps it was voices. Perhaps it was a trick of the air. I laid back down. I
was wearing all black and my bivy was green against the olive brush. They
couldn't see me.

I see you out there! If you're still there I'm going to fucking kill you!

Night had by this time fallen. I sat up and got out my telescope.

At work I had also considered leaving it behind.

Two camoflouged cameras against the walls and two doors. The second one opened
and then closed. I was visible and I had probably been made. I began to pack my
stuff, quickly. Then the SUV arrived. Black, big, and it circled the parking
lot like a cat about to pounce on me. It's at this point I strap my sleeping
bag on halfway and with a glance at my former spot I got on my scooter and
sped. It started following me.

I scooted for a cliff, jumped off my scooter and jumped down onto the wet grass
sliding to a stop. I took the time to strap the rest of my sleeping bag on and
then from that ledge jumped down and scooted down a side street. Left. Right.
Left. Right. Left onto Lisbon St and eventually I was back at work.

[10:46 PM] trinity: outran an suv on a kick scooter
[10:46 PM] trinity: i am so swag
[11:03 PM] [..1]: i read that in your voice and it made me smile
[11:05 PM] [..2]: gayass

I was huffing and puffing and tuned my UV-5R to the county dispatch but there
was nothing, city dispatch is encrypted and I don't wanna bother figuring it
out so I assume whoever was after me was not police.

2023-03-06

post meta coital meta cigarette
pixelated bodies having meta sex
meta kids meta hacking both our meta eyes
peeping meta Toms in the same meta lie


/blah/2023-09-26.html

01	"It's pretty nice." Nice didn't begin to cut it. In fact, it was the
most beautiful wax sculpture I had ever seen. It depicted a life-sized nude
woman with intricate detail: hair so fine you could trace individual strands
down to their split ends, make out the scoring of her flesh and the lines in
her palms - including wrinkling that on the animate would indicate lack of
moisture. "Why the injury?"

3: Is your dog nice?
?: All dogs are nice.
3: Like. Can I pet your dog?
?: That's up to the dog.


/blah/2023-09-25.html

horizontal six letters; poly pollinators
that's a bee threesome. right!
shit you sunk my battleship
red peg in hole strike

vertical nine letters; alley alligators
that's a crocodile dealer. nice,
i want a pet reptile
but the vet bills are so high

i keep pissing washing my hands stepping out
my fly is down
i can't finish jack shit
and it's written on my frown
can you bind my knees together and sit me at my writers chair
and bring me coffee daily
and can you pet my floofy hair? no!
well i can't write about that
in a magazine like this
you're describing graphic violence
I write a nature column for the kids
you're reprehensibe
defending serial killers who pass laws
it's upsetting to my senses
from my cat ears to my paws

pin me by my bee wings 'cause the hive is dying out
repopulate our hexing nest babe breed me til the sun is down
no really! i'm so fucking weak i don't work out and i'm so pettable
tie me up take out a knife and then do something reprehensible


/blah/2023-09-23.html

My paycheck was $548.

no tape assembly
easy carry handles with lift off lid
strong, double wall construction
reusable

no tape
we're sticky ourselves
while our words bounce off your skin
they reflect and cut into our shells
so many razor blades in my back
i look like i lost a saw trap
easy carry so easy to get carried away
last time i was told to make them get the message
they almost got carried away on a stretcher
bury a stray
bullet in your heart and lift off the lid
see the lead beat with your organs
warm metal surgery

the wall is textured like the painter didn't care
because he didn't
your wallet's empty like your broke ass didn't work
because you didn't
bitch keep walking
bitch keep walking
butterfly knife in my right hip pocket
button quietly pops a scooter handle off it
and i have an EMP just in case shit gets rough
you never know what could happen getting groceries
times is tough
bitch keep walking

AC hum

a hostess apple pie gets eaten in a rush
"become ungovernable" bitch that's us
sisyphus in zeno's paradox only rolls up
twenty million sisyphuses surrounding the top
any rookie with a boulder is a threat
sell space at the zenith make amateurs pay rent
get defenestrated by straight finesse
another has been for the history texts
and yet
the only ones with the truth
are the ones who can't use it
or the ones who are useless
or the ones who have interests so vested
they can't wrestle their mind away. they lose it
to multibillion dollar trademarked facelessness
empathy's a weapon and capital can't stop testing it
and your heaven sent neolib is already in the dem trenches
"thank bernie for giving the overton window to leftists"
puppet parrot puppy left it for lobby dollar moral debting
netorare

i've been having car troubles     bang bang
from the engine keeps me up       bang bang
in the streets keeps me up        bang bang
when i find my crew slacking      bang bang
knock at the door, classy         bang bang
bitch too loud, so i slap him     bang bang
in the head disrespecting me      bang bang
in the head dissecting me         bang bang
in the head expecting me          bang bang
in a bitch's head for testing me  bang bang
and i'm home and in bed and free  bang bang
the metal arm strikes the bell    bang bang
shoes hit doorstep on the way out bang bang
get in and start the car          bang bang


/blah/2023-09-19.html

I'm tired and I'm not recovering from things from which I should be recovering.
Everything hurts and the bruises are only ever replaced with new wounds. The
bruises aren't even from anything cool like [...] with [...] or [...].

I need headpats.

The Ballad of Sean and Josh
	Sean is forty-eight
	and Josh was twenty that
	when Sean took Josh away
	from the closet in the flat
	where Josh had made his home
	with a dealer selling crack
	Sean lived with his ma
	and Josh would live alone
	in Sean's house room he'd lay
	until fin'ly to Sean he said hello
	they learned about each one's


/blah/2023-09-18.html

        WITH THIS TECHNOLOGY

[kim jong un holding a floppy disk]

     WE WILL BRING THE UNITED
        STATES TO ITS KNEES

The first time I saw this image macro was in 2012 and I thought it was so funny
I laughed about it for a week.

Today [...] posted horg.com in [...].

The DPRK is kinda swag.

Once I transcribe all my GitHub repos to either this blah or src I can delete
them and finally have nothing on GitHub. I'm still keeping my account to track
contributions to GitHub repositories but I'm no longer using GitHub for even
things that aren't meaningful. I'm not super up to date on everything with it
but I don't like that CoPilot could be trained on my code and I don't like that
it looks like social media when I log in nowadays. Gotta remove all my stars...

2018-05-20

# GUESSNEXT
A guessing game for the TI-83/84(+).

## Installation

### Required software:
- [TI-Connect](https://education.ti.com/en/products/computer-software
  /ti-connect-sw "ti.com")
- [TokensIDE](https://www.ticalc.org/archives/files/fileinfo/433/43315.html
  "ticalc.org")

### Installing from the source code:
01. Download GUESSNXT.txt.
02. Install TokensIDE.
03. Open GUESSNXT.txt in TokensIDE.
04. Delete the documentation (lines preceded by a "//").
05. Remove any empty lines.
06. Compile the program by pressing F5 or going into the BUILD MENU and
    selecting 8X>8XP.
08. Install TI-Connect.
09. Plug in your calculator.
10. Open TI-Connect.
11. Open your file explorer and navigate to the directory with GUESSNXT.8XP in
    it.
12. Copy GUESSNXT to your calculator.
13. Wait for the copy process to finish and wait an additional ten seconds for
    TI-Connect to finish calibration.
14. Unplug your calculator.
15. Enjoy your game!

## Compatibility
TI-83     - Unsupported
TI-83+    - Should work; untested
TI-84+    - Tested working
TI-84+ SE - Should work; untested

2018-05-20

40    - Disp "OUT OF GUESSES.
   40 + Disp "OUT OF GUESSES.","IT WAS:",B

2018-05-22

16 16   //Main loop
17 17   Lbl B
18 18   Disp D,"              TO",E,"","YOUR GUESS?
19    - Input "> ",C
   19 + Input "> ",Str0
   20 + If Str0="B
   21 + Then
   22 + Disp "CHEATER!!!
   23 + Return
   24 + End
   25 + expr(Str0)->C
   26 + Delvar Str0
20 27   A-1->A
21 28   If C=B
22 29   Disp "CORRECT","

2018-05-30

 6  6   ### Required software:
 7  7   - [TI-Connect](https://education.ti.com/en/products/computer-software
          /ti-connect-sw "ti.com")
 8    - - [TokensIDE](https://www.ticalc.org/archives/files/fileinfo/433/
          43315.html "ticalc.org")
    8 + - [TokensIDE](https://www.ticalc.org/archives/files/fileinfo/433/
          43315.html "ticalc.org") (if installing from the source code)
 9  9
10 10   ### Installing from the source code:
11 11   01. Download GUESSNXT.txt.
[...]
22 22   13. Wait for the copy process to finish and wait an additional ten
        seconds for TI-Connect to finish calibration.
23 23   14. Unplug your calculator.
24 24   15. Enjoy your game!
   25 + 
   26 + ### Installing a release:
   27 + 01. Go to the releases page and grab GUESSNXT.8xp.
   28 + 03. Install TI-Connect.
   29 + 04. Plug in your calculator.
   30 + 05. Open TI-Connect.
   31 + 06. Open your file explorer and navigate to the directory with GUESSNXT
            in it.
   32 + 07. Copy GUESSNXT to your calculator.
   33 + 08. Wait for the copy process to finish and wait an additional ten
            seconds for TI-Connect to finish calibration.
   34 + 09. Unplug your calculator.
   35 + 10. Enjoy your game!

26    - Delvar Str0
   26 + DelVar Str0


/blah/2023-09-17.html

[10:33PM] trinity: i like puzzling out timeframes. the more the past makes
                   sense the more the present does

I'm twenty years old. Two decades old. No longer teenage by any stretch of the
word.

Dear future self -
	you better be kicking as much fucking ass as I have kicked and am
	presently kicking. We have a reputation to keep.

I was hoping to have a book published by the time I turned 20. I think I tossed
the manuscript. The plot was meandering and while it was serviceable I think
I'm just gonna write something else.

My paycheck last Friday was $555.28.

I read Tank Girl and liked it. Tank Girl 2 I liked less but liked a whole lot
more high than sober. Chronologically the next one is the movie novelization
but it's a little harder to find for download and my texts SD card shattered
due to high stress (I get it).

We arrived at the Orlando Greyhound station, kissed, and I went inside to
double check whether my bus was there yet. They had a different time listed for
my bus than what I had on my ticket so I went to the information desk for help.
They said I needed to jet over to the address on my ticket, which, rather than
the place at which I had been dropped off, that place, which I had foolishly
assumed was the same place I should depart, was a small bus tours business in
an Asian marketplace. So we went over there.

The car ride took a bit and it was stressed about me missing my bus. I was
stressed too but pretended not to be. I asked if I could get my ticket
rescheduled and the clerk told me in broken English I should catch the bus at
the station we had just left. I said it would be impossible to catch the bus
because it had left by the time we got to Atlanta Bus Tours and the clerk said
that was a real shame because I couldn't reschedule my ticket or get a refund,
but that I should check the Greyhound website. The website was barren except a
cancellation page that errored on my ticket number.

However before determining I was stranded in Orlando Florida I, heroically,
told my girlfriend it could drop me off and I would Figure It Out. I am averse
to asking for help, severely and perhaps it is terminal without intervention.
But then I would have to bother someone to intervene. I slept that night under
a palm tree across from an abandoned Magic Outlet Mall. I thought this was a
franchise but looking it up it is in fact the one and only Magic Outlet Mall.
The reviews are good.

The original plan for Orlando was to spend my time browsing the city and visit
a friend in the area (now girlfriend) and the plan slowly morphed into spending
most of the week in a bed and being really well rested. It felt really good to
be well rested, actually. My head was clear. The plan was originally to sleep
in forgotten areas of Orlando but I couldn't have imagined how sparse the city
is. Cities should be dense, naturally developed, zoned curiously and built
vertically where space was no longer available otherwise. Orlando is the
opposite. My time in Florida was the best week of my life despite all of this.
Easily.

Spotify Playlist: florida
Billy Knows Jamie       	100 gecs
Kiss My Own Dick        	David Shawty, Yungster Jack
dui                     	estelle allen
CREEP U                 	Black Dresses
Tell Me Your Secret     	death's dynamic shroud
うずまき                	Machine Girl
I Slept With Someone in Fall	Fall Out Boy
Out Boy And All I Got Was This
Stupid Song Written About Me
Somebody's Watching Me  	Rockwell
Revenge                 	Captainsparklez, Tryhardninja
N95                     	Kendrick Lamar
Nightcall               	Kavinsky
Cops and robbers        	underscores
Loansharks              	underscores
Old money bitch         	underscores

2023-08-28

[ 8:53 AM] trinity: fuck plato
[ 8:53 AM] trinity: plato would fuck a mcchicken and say hey guys look i had sex
[ 8:55 AM] trinity: stupid motherfucker

2023-08-29

[12:33 AM] [...]:   wgat
[12:33 AM] [...]:   what
[12:33 AM] [...]:   real
[ 9:05 PM] trinity: full moon. spooky
[ 9:05 PM] trinity: why was i so angry at plato
[ 9:05 PM] trinity: i think i wrote that at a wendys
[ 9:05 PM] trinity: wendys seasoned potatoes sorta fuck
[ 9:19 PM] [...]:   cause plato sux

2018-05-20

Disp "GUESSNEXT","CODED BY","DEVEN BLAKE 2018
Pause 
ClrHome
5-&gt;A

//Prepper
Lbl A
5+A-&gt;A
Disp "GUESSES:",A
Pause 
randInt(1,100)-&gt;B
1-&gt;D
100-&gt;E
ClrHome

//Main loop
Lbl B
Disp D,"              TO",E,"","YOUR GUESS?
Input "&gt; ",C
A-1-&gt;A
If C=B
Disp "CORRECT","
//Seperate IFs so as to avoid memory leakage
If C=B
Goto A
If C&lt;B
 Then
 Disp "TOO LOW
 If C&gt;D
  C-&gt;D
 End
If C&gt;B
 Then
 Disp "TOO HIGH
 If C&lt;E
  C-&gt;E
 End
If A&lt;1
 Then
 Disp "OUT OF GUESSES.
 Return
 End
Goto B


/blah/2023-09-16.html

The pages got disorganized in my backpack, so here they are as I dig them out.

The View from Halfway Down is definitely from before any of the other pages, I
decided to change the name after the person for which I went to Florida noted
it was the name of a Bojack Horseman episode.

---

Homelessness is a crime few want to commit. Dear vagabonds and ruffians, the
former being my category, do, though I thought carefully before deciding. Most
don't. Human beings need creature comforts, consistency, safety. Maybe I'm not
a __real__ vagabond. I'd like housing. I just can't fathom honest safety;
acceptance.

Salsa shark.

I'm not a real programmer, not a real writer, not a real vagabond, not a real
human, not a real woman, barely a cook - a bad one, and a burden on my loved
ones. The voices in my head disagree. When did I become the negative one?

I imagine if I don't catch a bus in 7 hours I will be swept into the ocean. I
understand - no, kin - Dostoevsky.

I will start asking others to help me. I sort of wish my ancestors stayed in
Finland. But I wouldn't have met [...], [...], [...]...

Draft kinlist

- Patrick Bateman
- Ryan Gosling
- ANARCHY Stocking
- IBUKI Maya
- AMANE Misa
- My friend Lily from Maine
- Saul Goodman
- Mike from Breaking Bad
- Mr. Triangle from Gravity Falls
- Charlie Chaplin
- Dostoevsky
- Franz Kafka
- Abandoned Magic Outlet
- Randall from Clerks
- Rorshach

---

Rules for the road: charging

Charge your biggest battery first. Use it last. Batteries before devices.
If near a power source, use it. 1% is a text message.
Charge as much as possible; if there are as many power sources as you have
devices, all your devices should be charging.
Use 1 device at a time, if necessary, if you can help it.
Internet takes battery. Cell networks take more.

2117: Departing Jacksonville

---

THE VIEW FROM HALFWAY DOWN (pg. 1)

My job is to separate the bones. I stand at South Station in front of a
conveyer belt - my conveyer belt, just for me - and dip my hands through the
skim and pick the bones out of the line. The bones go to the vat to my right,
to level twenty-something, where the marrow is extracted and they make the
jelly. The meat, the fat, and most importantly, the blood, go further down the
line and to level 31 which I can see below me. Level 31 is where the content is
homogenized.

I saw and talked to someone when I was in training. I don't remember its name.
It handed me my scalpel and taught me where to cut. The torso is handled by
those before me, whose work I admire. I admired the eyes to whose nose I
talked. The stainless steel. Smell of warmth. Blood from limb.

Those before me cut a Y into the chest and take the organs. My turn is already
hollowed so I use my scalpel to - efficiently - extract the bones from the
forearm, the upper arm, calves, thighs. Cut dip pull move. Cut dip pull move.
I can tell when a new hire takes over. The cuts aren't as neat, more is taken
with the organs than necessary.

It's so loud. Something always needs chopping, grinding. I hear dremels above
me sawing through bone. Everything is red.

I separate the bones because I was told to do so, and separating the bones is
how I am let live, let breathe, let sip, let eat the meat. My first day is my
breath, my second water, my third my apartment, my fourth this. This meat.

It is ground and turned to food. People beget people beget me. Simply. I
remember it that begot me. My handcuffs were unlocked in front of a
blue-painted skyscraper, my home.

---

Today I woke up next to [...]
and the [...]
oh, to think, since it's been 48 hours
today's four days long shoulda already been home
I can't remember yesterday, it's sure been a while
Since I asked did we - did you - while reaching for my phone
[...]
it's been two days since yesterday and I still haven't seen [...]
I missed my bus, shit, went to the wrong station
the agent told me there wasn't any way to change it
$250 down the drawin and I slept under a palm tree
a friend booked the next ticket, owed me, now I'll pay the difference

---

machine
and no there won't
be a sequel

---

[grossly inaccurate drawing of the fifty United States

---

THE VIEW FROM HALFWAY DOWN (pg. 2)

From the top of the skyscraper I heard the bellows of the heavens. The distance
made the roar fade and twist into a melodious drone that seemed to be the tone
of the local crimson soil and the resonance of being. I clutched the railing of
the lift upwards, 33 stories minus none, that carried me into the low ashen
clouds. The noise crescendoed.

It was halfway up that lift, 16 stories or so, that I met my predecessor. We
made eye contact, me slowly going up and it, stained all over in various films
of scarlet, swiftly descending. In a second I heard vague yowls of excitement
far below me.

Suicide is the most natural way to die. By choice rather than by chance. In my
opinion to die in such a way as to mix impure brain or spine with meat is to
end in selfishness, to ensure death with one's calories.

To say nothing of the crime. I stayed on the lift because that is my job and my
duty, and I realize that now. I committed a heinous act. I don't remember it
and naturally could not therefore defend myself. I now commit all my heinous
acts to memory.

I was a cook. My job was to render meat into meals; patties, stew, sausage, and
sometimes delicacies if a person to me noble came to the kitchen. I thought the
work was difficult.

I like to think about dying. To be separating my own bones on line. When I die
I'd like my cuts to be beautiful, sharp and clean, by those professional
processors that have honed their craft with their blade.

Sometimes the bones are broken. Sometimes all the bones are broken. Nothing was
not deafening. But nothing, too, became deafening. The drone joined my silence,
residue in my riddled brain. I lie awake at night, if for nothing else then the
cacophony.

---

THE VIEW FROM HALFWAY DOWN (pg. 3)

I have been chauffered from place to place, as if I am cattle, since I was very
young. Perhaps it has been this way forever. I love my job. I love the smell.
It may seem unbelievable but it's true, I was raised in the smell, I know the
scent of blood better than flesh, I love the smell. I have also made my peace
with the unending mechanical thunder. I can't hear much else. My fingers may as
well have been tattooed red. Cut dip pull move.

I don't know where the people came from. Nor do I know whom I would ask. I live
just as well.

---

2023-08-19 T 1400

ON A GREYHOUND...

An hour or so ago, between Lewiston (Maine) & Portland (Maine), the driver
stopped the bus, opened the door, stepped out, took some paces into Maine's
ubiquitous forest, and out of our sight, pissed.

There's something about commercial transit in this state that makes ya gotta
go, I suppose.

I'm sitting wedged against my pack and carryon, Lynn, never before mentioned
stuffed IKEA shark, above me, wondering when I can smoke my next cigarette.

I imagine Lynn is wondering when I'll again quit.

Greyhound is comfortably, perhaps haphazardly, disorganized. I was hoping I
could stow my pack under the bus. Funny thing about hope... I've been rereading
Watchmen and listening to the driver's radio. 80s? 60s-80s?

I wanna see [...]. 150mins down. 2790mins to go. At least by my small mental
scratchpad. I'm embarrassed to do the math out on this real pad. I have 3
calculators...

---

 PHONE            ATT.
 -------------   -------------
| INT SDA SCL | | SCL SDA INT |
| DCIN 5V GND | | GND 5V DCIN |
 -------------   -------------
 -------------
| 1 _ DCIN ___|
| 2 _ VOUT ___|
| 3 _ GND ____|
| 4 _ SCL ____|
| 5 _ SDA ____|
| 6 _ INT ____|
 -------------

---

2023年08月27日

I SHOULD BE ON A GREYHOUND...

Today is sunday so I guess I'll start from last Monday.

On the 21st, 1300 or so, I arrived in Orlando Florida, city - city? - of dear
hearts and weak knees. I was here to see a beloved someone and soak up some sun
and have a good time. I've never been to Florida before - in fact, I'd only
been as far as Virginia, which I didn't particularly like. I remember being
disappointed we couldn't go to a Kentucky KFC. How goals change...

I called an ex-roommate and we spoke about how things were up in Maine: not
great. Then I called [...] who was on its way over to pick me up, on a car trip
longer than I would expect (20mins? 30?). After confusion about where it was
going (the nearest Family Dollar so I could get deodorant after spending 49
hours on a bus) it arrived.

It was shorter in meatspace than I expected. More beautiful. We met on-line in
[...] after a video call in which I noticed it and got flustered at how hot it
was and it got flustered at my calling it fucking stunningly gorgeous and
everyone else in the video call in the programming community sat in silence. I
threw my backpack and carry-on in the back of the car and got in the passenger
seat and I got flustered and it got flustered still more than half a year later
for the same reasons.

Every siren makes me nervous. I know how this city treats its homeless. City?

---

Orlando isn't what I, a Mainer, imagine a city to be. Before Florida's
colonization and sterilization it was just a swamp or something like that -
every presence, as well as every absense, is deliberate. It's strange how much
absence there is. Sprawling empty parking lots, five-lane roads, lines of palm
trees and now cars and the empty Magic Outlet in front of me. A city is dense.
You can walk to another restaurant in less than five minutes if you're not
enjoying your meal. People talk to you, maybe not in your language but a little
gesturing goes a long way. There is nobody in Orlando except the sun and the
heat.

1730. No new text messages. I'm considering pawning my sleeping bag.

1804. 1 new text message.

On the 21st, 1500 or so, after some typical affection - as in, the act, not as
in what it meant to me - I took my first shower since about 2300-0100 between
the 18th and 19th in Maine. The water in Orlando is excellent. Ice is a must as
most taps only allow a selection between hot and lukewarm due to the
temperature.

Then I don't remember. And what I can remember doesn't belong here.

I thought nechan was eye-chan, but eye is me [this is Japanese; pronounced
"meh"]. Its eyes are beautiful. Much of this week I was paralyzed in awe at how
beautiful my girlfriend is. It is also just in general an excellent person. We
cooked dinner together nearly every night, it learning my rat bastard scarcity
recipes and I learning what real food tastes like and how to pronounce
jalape~no (hah lah peh nyo).

"There's something inside you. It's hard to explain. They're talking about you,
boy, but you're still the same."

---

I think it's going to rain and I have no shelter. Maybe I could figure a way
into that Magic Outlet but I have too much in my backpack to hop a fence and no
decent tools for lockpicking.

1833. No new text messages.

Received SMS from ??? ([...]) at 2023-08-27T17:07:38-0400:
stay as safe as you can please

TRINITY: Would you still love me if I was a worm?
[...]:   No.
TRINITY: ...
         I would still love you if you were a worm.
[...]:   You love me?

I'm sorry for not showing it with my actions. Of course I love you. That was
what I was figuring out while I disappeared.

I don't know how to ask for what I need.

Magic Outlet Mall: Brand Names for Less
says the sign's faded vestige on tan-gray bricks
above palm trees yellow tape abandoned commerce sign
the magic outlet tapped out ain't that just the way
I don't miss my bed because I never had a bed
I had an air mattress flattened every morning by seven
then I got a foam slab but I'd still feel the bedframe
I don't miss my bed, I miss having my own space.
Magic Outlet Mall: Brand Names for Less
now here we both lie in the dirt at sunset
the light here is different prettier in many ways
better home than my last home, no roaches or sleeping bag cat spray
1-800-FL-LEGAL I just keyed a Tesla
my magic outlet sleeping space saw a rich asshole intruder
where will you deport me bitch barely of this earth
I'm from an orbiter of mars and polycule network

---

2004. No new messages.

I just heard a cicada for the first time. They're deafening. Like a car alarm
in immediate proximity. They make a piezo buzz like they're charging up a
missile and continue to target you with an otherworldly humm until the sun
finishes its descent.

The sun and his heat are gone. It is me and Luna and Gaia that remain. Lights
are on at the magic outlet. I guess it had a little more power.

I did not need my laptop, tech repair kit, phone parts, or two tablets. I
should have brought 1 tablet, my phone, and that's it. I needed a UV5R with
extended battery. I did not need the condoms. Gay sex is better anyway. I miss
my 5.11 RUSH 48. The ALICE's organization isn't great and it's harder to pass
unnoticed. Better would be TSA carry-on sized, then I wouldn't need to part
with my luggage. Greyhound never searched me. I'm covered in mosquito bites.

---

2023年08月28日

Hurricane Idalia - maybe only a tropical storm, I'm not sure - hits Florida
tomorrow, and for that I will need to either stay with a friend or find a
strong umbrella.

My bivy didn't survive the night, kinda shit but makes good insulation from the
ground. I could have roughed it but I wanted to be comfortable and I was
worried about bugs. I'm really unfamiliar with the local flora and fauna.

I had tickets to Billy Joel and Arctic Monkeys. I was only excited to see the
friend with which I booked them. And now the plan is to go back to our
hometown.

I'm scruffy and my hair is wack. We - as in, my girlfriend and I, which is a
delight for me to write - were planning on watching a lot of vampire movies:
Nosferatu, Only Lovers Left Alive, and Shadow of the Vampire. We ended up
watching the old classics American Psycho, Clerks, and Drive. It had never seen
Clerks and I had never seen Drie. Nor had [...] who was there Saturday. I
didn't catch a lot of the plot of Drive as I was distracted but [...] explained
it in the morning and it seems like a good movie. I was surprised at how
graphic [...]'s death in the movie was, it was a little triggering to be
honest.

It feels good to be bitten. Bitten hard. Bitten so hard you have a mark the
next day, a bruise after a week. It feels good to bite. I bite weakly,
cautiously. I bite worried about the mark and tearing flesh and the pain. It
feels better to be bitten by one that does not care. But I feel bad when I
don't care.


/blah/2023-09-09.html

western mysticism influencers stick
dispensing business stickers onto crosswalk notices
and say that mary jane is the merriest trick
and that egotistic bourgouis corpos shouldn't be so rich


/blah/2023-09-04.html

Regarding something I read.

I feel some guilt for not really having a lot of trans pride.

I grew up on /b/. Post golden era, when /pol/ started festering in its second
coming and pseudoanons started spiking the machine, everything got a lot more
transphobic. I didn't give a shit what the r/greentext exiles bore in prejudice
but I knew their opinions roughly reflected the 20% or so and life would be
easier if I lived without making them piss and shit themselves. But being
dishonest with myself, or being honest with myself but hiding who I was, didn't
work for me. I felt nothing as I breathed nothing and I worked on hidden
projects and scum agendas with the pitch hands of a tear in space, wordlessly
and heartlessly to test the limits to which a person could influence. Rage
against the biomass. I also wasn't able to safely come out in meatspace but to
a few at the time friends who still misgender me after years.

My dream was not to be accepted and trans, but to be ignored and a cis woman.
Or pass as a cis woman.

I too started programming on graphing calculators but I felt invalid, not a
true programmer, so I called it coding, and myself a coder, as evident by the
splashes I put before my TI-BASIC programs. Deven Blake is not my deadname, by
the way - I had my name changed when I was very young. I still don't see myself
as a programmer. Insecurities.

I had other thoughts but I forgot them.

2023年06月27日

When I started learning to program all I had was FreeBASIC and I just. Didn't.
Get it. Nor did I get PetitComputer which I got for my DSi XL. The first time I
made anything was when I was 11, 3 years after I started learning, and made a
simple drawing demo in Processing.JS.

I was not a natural programmer. Lacking any sort of lessons or guidance or a
lot of motivation I floundered, and floundered, and floundered, and tried and
failed a dozen times. Pascal, Fortran, Petit Computer, FreeBASIC, Microsoft
Batch, SmileBASIC, a dozen more. Now I work in C and shell, only because I
learned shell to script tasks and learned C to understand my scripts better.

A lot of people see expert programmers and get discouraged. My advice: Pick a
_good_ tool ~~(C or shell)~~ and stay until you know it. Python!

OK I'm done shitting

need more fiber

I'm elsewhere, AFK - I wanna add this to the blah though.

Undated; maybe from a year ago? Written on a paper bag in black sharpie

soy sauce -> dill
          -> teriyaki
          -> avocado
          -> salt
                  no too
                  Na
coffee
avocado -> ? brown ?
chai honey
blueberry lemon
green tea maple
pineapple -> oat  soggy?
          -> grape
key of C cheese
                cream cheese
                sat atop a
                speaker playing
                435Hz until
                the Cc is
                extra soft
"dream cheese"
               -> orange zest
mainly         -> chamomile
               -> green tea
                  lemon
                  honey
"mean cheese"
               -> jalapeno
                  chili powder
                  cinnamon?
                  orange zest?
                  ~~paprika?~~
                  ~~turmeric?~~
pumpkin?
cinnamon?
kale?
salt?
pepper?
mint -> lavendar
     -> coconut
     -> garlic?
garlic rosemary
licorice + lavendar?
malta cream cheese
                   -> how?
                 [ -> why? ]
dandelion?
dandelion maple?
wasabi?
birthday cake?
bubblegum?
matcha!
cinnamon ginger
cola?
moxie!!!
mountain dew?
doritos?
fritos?
"team cheese"    blueberry
for olympics     strawberry
season (2024?)

2023年07月03日

07-05 wisdom
teeth recheck
8AM be there @ 7

commie gets fucked by capitalist,
well he was so hot
can't afford the rent
and he drives mercedes benz
and we did it in the parking lot
all of the fucking jacked in bullshit
went to law school on daddy's nest egg
and I'm stealing toilet paper out of the store
I had a good thing and I fucked it up
everyone I know has gone
came down into the mosh pit so I can push you away
just hit your head get out and run
I had a good thing and fucked everything up
all my friends moved on
I'm still here sleeping on the floor
yeah didn't we have so much fun

2023年07月04日

July 4 - when the
USA declared independ[...]
from Monarchist cunts.
I'm hiding in a parking
lot far from the hordes
that have invaded the
~~areas of~~ usual areas
of congregation. Loungi[...]
against my backpack
among Razor scooter
and Sony camera
watching the st[...]
sky
Amateur pyrotechnicians,
like teenagers on prom
night, put all their
effort into the first
five minutes of their
shows that blaze
occasionally during
twilight. The pre-show
to the fireworks
demonstration - paid
for by your tax dollars
- performed by the
city. I'm considering
breaking into an old
mill to see sky from
roof.
But that's so much
effort and the crisp
air hasn't yet cooled
me after my frantic
dash on two cheap
wheels from unnerving,
unthinking, unpredictable
crowds. A pack of
wild children crosses
my turf before deciding
to continue up Canal St.
My face itches. The
sweat and my
moisturizer are
considering waging
war on my dry skin.

2023年07月12日

[...] appt 18日1000

2023年07月13日

methamphetamine
took all his molars
and then crack cocaine
only left his front teeth
Paul always yearns
for steak medium rare
but the man only has
cans of soup to eat
consumption begets
more of the same
when it doesn't,
it's illegal
give me your money,
shoes, or brain
you're not allowed
to call me evil
I am the capital

meth took my molars
crack took my canines
lying on a park bench
what took my mind

i can't sleep in a bed
won't sleep in a bed
i can't sleep in a bed
what took my mind

the gray matter bubbled
bends made me all fried
I keep tossing & turning
what took my mind

how do you fix that?'
death
but I love life and I love
sex
my friends all died and I'm
left
but it's not now my turn to
end

I just want a steak
but crack took my canines
my destructive consumption
what the hell took my mind

methamphetamine
took my molars
crack cocaine
took my canines
then life decided to
dissolve my gray matter
please, Gaia
who took my mind?

destructive consumption
oh how badly I crave steak
all I've got's my two front teeth
can't eat even if I have my cake
my nerves shoot my eyes
head won't stop. someone end my pain
please, Gaia
who did this to my brain

2018-08-30

Disp "SCHEDULE","CODED BY","DEVEN BLAKE 2018
Pause
ClrHome

//Menu
Lbl M
0→Z
Menu("LHS SCHEDULE","VIEW SCHEDULE",A,"EDIT SCHEDULE",B,"QUIT",C
Stop

//View
Lbl A
ClrHome
For(A,1,8
 "!D:→Str1
 A
 Asm(prgmLBLRW
 Output(A,1,Ans
 End
0
While Ans≠21
 getKey
 If Ans≠0
  Output(8,1,"2ND TO QUIT
Goto M

//Edit
Lbl B
ClrHome
Output(1,1,"1-8 TO EDIT
Output(2,1,"OTHERS TO QUIT
0→A
0
While Ans=0
 getKey
 If Ans=72
  7→A
 If Ans=73
  8→A
 If Ans=82
  4→A
 If Ans=83
  5→A
 If Ans=84
  6→A
 If Ans=92
  1→A
 If Ans=93
  2→A
 If Ans=94
  3→A
 End
If A=0
 Goto M
ClrHome
Disp "ENTER NEW DATA
Input "",Str1
"D:"+Str1→Str1
A
Asm(prgmLBLRW
ClrHome
Disp "DATA CHANGED!
While Ans≠21
 getKey
 End
Goto M

//Quit
Lbl C
ClrHome
Stop

//Data
Lbl D
PERIOD ONE
PERIOD TWO
PERIOD THREE
PERIOD FOUR
PERIOD FIVE
PERIOD SIX
PERIOD SEVEN
PERIOD EIGHT


/blah/2023-08-25.html

the voices in my head just gave me a pep talk
i was wondering if my presence had done harm
because my host just went away said they thought they felt pent up
now i'm sitting here in the dark on my laptop

i can't justify my presence if i've done harm
can't justify existing if my presence won't let pain stop
i worry about hurting everybody i love
they say it's not my fault but would say the same if it was

i'm not feeling great it's not my stomach it's my head i
think it's the static state of my location i've been in i
was wondering if i could get some space for a minute i
am going out i'll be back or if not i will text you back bye

i cleaned the room i'm staying in it's not my room it's its
it's its near institution living space i've invaded and its
floor is taken over by my shit from my backpack it is
now in the corner so it's not so claustrophobic inducing

i should shit or get off the pot but i still won't turn the light on
i would rather sit in darkness than walk over to the switch my
laptop is light enough and i don't like disturbing the air


/blah/2023-08-23.html

roses are red
the warmest color is blue
holy fuck i'm in florida
and i'm on your todo
it's so nice to be normal
but there's nothing normal about you
you are so fucking special
and i know you're kind of weird too

I feel good. Really good. This is the best vacation of my life.


/blah/2023-08-20.html

On a Greyhound...

I'm in South Carolina, or maybe Georgia. A long way from Maine - don't remind
me. Or do.

I have made it out of Lewiston.

The most tearful goodbye was my sidekick with whom I have resolved to join in
four months. I'm considering returning to Lewiston because I am so worried
about her alone in the colloquial "dirty Lew". Atlanta is 130 miles away, so
this must not be Georgia.

I wouldn't go to Hell if it was the only way I could see her. But if it was the
only remaining way to see my sidekick I would think about departing every hour.
Now the notion for myself is out of the question, completely, absolutely, not
even by accident. I'm more careful now. Fewer risks taken. Healthier choices.
Which isn't to say our separation would destroy us. We take measures to ensure
minimal if any codependency. But a wrongful separation, too soon or too early,
would.

The skyline has McDonald's, Arby's, Exxon. It could be a Maine skyline if the
Makku didn't have neon on its fringe, if the gas station was by a different
name, if there wasn't also a Waffle House. I hadn't seen a BP gas station in
my life until Virginia or so when I first noticed a "green Irving".

Anderson, South Carolina. I need to take my estrogen. Done. I am so thoroughly
farther from the place from which I was I can already scarcely remember the
sparse urbanoid environment. The forested ghetto.

The local accent has in common with mine that Atlanta is "et LANna". I wonder
what the older, thicker Maine accent would say.

Next stop: Gainsville, Georgia, if I spelled it right. I'd like to go to a
Waffle House. I wonder if they have vegan options.


/blah/2023-08-14.html

2021-01-12

sitcom.txt
	CARLOS walks into the room.
FELL: So, how'd it go?
CARLOS: It went well. It went pretty well.
	CARLOS faints onto the sofa. FELL grabs a bottle of water and pours a
	third of it on CARLOS.
FELL: Well? Just well? Did you...
CARLOS (sputtering from the water): Yeah. Yeah we did. It was... sexy.
FELL: Sexy?
CARLOS: I mean, I almost died. But it was sexy.
FELL: How?..
CARLOS: Ah.. strangulation?
FELL: Strangulation?
CARLOS: I was suspended from her ceiling fan by a rope.
FELL: Oh.
CARLOS: I just need to take a quick nap to recuperate here.
FELL: Is that why you have a new turtleneck?
CARLOS: Yeah. She gave it to me when she took me out to Dennys.
FELL: Oh, well that was nice of her.
CARLOS: On a leash.
FELL: A leash?
CARLOS: I was fortunately wearing a paper bag, so it's okay. No embarrassment.
FELL: How did you eat?
CARLOS: I didn't. She said she was going to peg me later.
FELL: Did she?
CARLOS: Yes.
FELL: Was it your first time?
CARLOS: No. Thank god. She pulled out a nine-incher-
FELL: Jesus, a nine-incher?
CARLOS: That's what she called it. It was more than a foot though.
FELL: The nine inches was...
CARLOS: The nine inches was its girth. Yeah.
FELL: Did it hurt?
CARLOS: Not really, she gave me some drugs or something-
FELL: Let me see your eyes.
	FELL shines a bright light into CARLOS'S eyes. Their pupils shrink.
FELL: Your eyes aren't dilated.
CARLOS: Yeah, I'm not still high or anything.
FELL: So, she hanged you up like a pin~ata-
CARLOS: Like some kind of French pin~ata-
FELL: and then after she was done with you there, doing?..
CARLOS: She put a vibrator in my ass.
FELL: So you were swinging around by your neck with a vibrator in your ass?
CARLOS: In my ass and two on my nipples.
FELL (concerned): Was all of this consensual?
CARLOS: What, does she seem like a fucking monster to you? Of course it was.
FELL: I was just checking.
CARLOS: I loved that shit. We're going on our second date next Friday.
FELL: That was the first date?
CARLOS: That was me coming over to play video games. Things just snowballed.

2021-12-03

priongod.odt
	I am rotting. I can feel it. My brain eats at my skull at my eyes at my
tongue my tongue. Left arm gone. GOne. I am sitting in this freezer rotting.
The flies cannot find me but it doesn’t matter. In the years after I am gone
the precipitation the weather the wind the rain the snow the sleet the hail
will fall will reign will blow will fall will fall will destroy this building
not today not tomorrow not in a hundred years but. IN a hundred years. Plus
one. Plus one day. The rust, the rot, the rot of the barrier between me and the
world will become rot in here with me with what used to be me. And my rot, my
sacred rot, will join the world’s. And the flies will find me will find what’s
left and they will love me and I shall bE THEIR GOD. But now as I sit I a,m no
GOD no MESSIA the messiah came and I was weak as were everyone ELSE. We are all
dead. I am merely the last animate in a sea of death.
	I was seven days younger when the fast moving slow destroying
harbringer of harrowing horror bit flipped and started eating a cow a hundred
magnitudes’ faster. Deus ex bovem venit.
	Nobody at work read the news. Then half the cows in Canada died in the
span of eight hours. Nobody at work could afford to hide from the news anymore.
Fast food. Our lives were made from the deaths and consumption of cows.
	By the time the corporation that owned the building in which I made my
living determined the price of the new scarce burger the rest of the cows in
Canada had died too, and half the people had died with them. It was at this
point that people started to worry.
	Six days ago I woke up to an alarm clock that would never ring again to
a world that had changed and to the realization that I could not feel my left
foot.

2021-12-23

epilogue.odt
	I woke up at dawn to the peace of my home, got out of bed, without
making it, a single pillow and blankets on a tatami mat, next to some books,
found in the basement of a church, some of its stones even still standing,
whatever denomination it was wiped away with its believers, said good morning
to my mother and father, whom I love, and who taught me love, love the only
thing I know, war wiped away, destroyed not by itself but by something smaller,
greater, got out the door, spoke my hello to the cow, the chicken, the grass,
the flowers, and began my stroll through the green, my daily walk, through the
once urbanus field, the only thing remaining being the dust of concrete and
glass, metal, lithium, my stroll my favorite exercise, through the peace of the
outside, from the peace of my home, in this piece of the world.
	With the ascending sun today to my starboard, I walked through my field
of soy and wheat and potatoes, almost undisturbed by rot. I kept beatpace until
it reached halfway between the heaven and the dirt which was when I came to the
barrier, new, of the century, that had bothered me last moon. There it stood.
Moss had yet to take its rightful place and no cracks were in its boulders.
Enough powder we had to take us again to this season, more than enough barrels,
yes, but I’d have liked more soy just in case. More soy in that place. Now
there were only stones and flowers.
	By the sun’s peak I’d returned home, and knowing my father had known
this land before I’d known this life, I found him in a rocking chair in the
pasture, rocking back and forth, staring at a lone tree in the shadow, his hand
fallen to his side, fingers brushing the cow, whose own chest rose and fell, as
he rocked, the cow laying next to him in the same peace. “Father, do you know
the edifice, beatpace eighth the right sun from home, new as it stands?”
	He didn’t open his eyes. “Yes, if you can call it that. My own father
built it. Do you know why it stands?”
	“No.”
	My father took his hand from the cow and traced the air. “It…” he
trailed off. “The words flee. Where are we to Sol?”
	“Nine suns past its solstice.”
	He smiled. “Bo; go back to the stones. You’ll see why your ancestor
erected them.”
	I returned to the stones by the time evening started to take its toll,
sat by the flowers, and waited for epiphany. It came after the sun’s set, when
a low roar rose from the sun’s resting place. I lay staring up at the brilliant
night sky when the roar swallowed me all at once. Jumping to my feet, I saw it
all around me, a black mass, running past me towards the sea. A herd of cattle.
I’d never seen one before, nor had I seen so many fauna in the same place,
twenty or thirty cows running towards what I had never known. I and the moon
above me stood upright watching them go.
	After I slept I returned to my father, still in the pasture. The cow’s
chest was stationary.
	“Miles, did you find what you sought?”
	“Yes.” 
	My father seemed weary. “Would you say it’s been nice, to be here? To
exist in this world?”
	The tree’s leaves were as green as I remembered. “Yes. It’s a good
world.”
	Father smiled. “I’m glad you see it this way.”


/blah/2023-08-12.html

Five more days.

The tubes are in the process of being packed. I'm gonna do some cleaning this
morning (maybe). I have a shit ton of Thinkpad X200 Tablets from work I was
doing and I was gonna give one or two to locals but I think our government
provided tablets are enough for everyone.

I don't have the energy to explain. Through some government program the needy,
after filling out half a dozen forms, are given a free ten-inch tablet and a
15GB/month 4G LTE data plan that will be paid for until whatever act provides
it expires. Or you can bribe the person handing them out. $20 bought me a ten-
inch tablet and 15GB/month indefinite data plan. I don't feel bad because I
most likely qualify, I just hate forms. I can't figure them out. Something in
my noggin just can't do paperwork. I've been using the government tablet for
piracy. Breaking the law with government approval works pretty well for the
CIA, at least.

I got new Doc Martens and I feel scummy about it. They're a leather product. A
cow died so my feet could be dry. They don't make 1460 SRs (slip resistants)
vegan and I need them for kitchen jobs - while regular 1460s are good enough
for a kitchen, I need my boots to be unimpeachably adequate, which these
standards-compliant boots are. And they cost an arm and a leg but hopefully
they're worth it.


/blah/2023-08-06.html

The blah/ works now as well as it did early July, but is based on homepage, my
fucky single file static site generator. This was something I needed to take
care of before I left or I wouldn't get around to it; if I'm using some shitty
interface to edit the git repository instead of good old UNIX (which may happen
if my tech breaks down) I don't wanna figure out how to manage directories and
new files and stuff. I just want to edit the same old file and hope the web
interface doesn't fuck everything up. Granted, I don't know if Sourcehut has a
web interface. So that could be like 50 hours of work down the drain. But I'm
happy with homepage and it's another quirky little project of mine.


/homepage.local	verbatim

#!/bin/sh

set -x

for f in ./blah/*.html
do
	awk '
BEGIN { n = 0; }
/^\$!NAVIGATION$/ {
	if(++n == 1){
		print $0 "\n\n" substr(FILENAME, 8, 10) "\n"
	}else
		print "\n" $0;
}
!/^\$!NAVIGATION$/ { print $0 }
' "$f" >"$f.tmp" \
		&& mv "$f.tmp" "$f" \
		|| rm "$f.tmp"
	f="$(printf '%s\n' "$f" | sed -e 's,./blah/,,' -e 's,\.html$,,')"
	test -n "$last" \
		&& sed -i "./blah/$last.html" \
			-e "s,\$!NAVIGATION,$nav<A HREF=\"$f.html\">\&gt;</A>,g" \
		&& nav="<A HREF=\"$last.html\">\&lt;</A>" \
		|| true
	nav="$nav<A HREF=\"index.html\">^</A>"
	last="$f"
done
sed -i "s,\$!NAVIGATION,$nav,g" "./blah/$last.html"

ls ./blah/*.html \
	| sed	-e 's_.*/__g' \
		-e 's/\.html$//g' \
	| sort -r \
	| tee ./feed.xml \
	| sed	-e 's_.*_<A HREF="/blah/&.html">&</A>_g' \
		-e "1i\
<!DOCTYPE html><HEAD><LINK REL=stylesheet HREF=/style.css />\
<META NAME=viewport CONTENT=\"width=device-width, initial-scale=1\" />\
<TITLE>blah</TITLE></HEAD>\
<BODY><PRE><A HREF=\"..\">..</A>" \
		-e '$a</PRE></BODY></HTML>' \
	>./blah/index.html

sed -i feed.xml \
	-e "1i\
<?xml version=\"1.0\" encoding=\"utf-8\"?><rss version=\"2.0\">\
<channel><title>trinity.moe/blah</title><link>https://trinity.moe/blah</link>\
<lastBuildDate>$(date)</lastBuildDate>" \
	-e "s,^....-..-..\$,<item>\
<title>&</title>\
<link>https://trinity.moe/blah/&.html</link>\
<description>blah post for &</description>\
<pubdate>&</pubdate></item>," \
	-e '$a</channel></rss>'

curl -OL http://viznut.fi/unscii/unscii-16.ttf
curl -OL http://viznut.fi/unscii/unscii-16.woff


/blah/2023-08-05.html

On August 19 I'm taking a Greyhound away from Lewiston, Maine and I'm probably
not coming back. The only thing that could precipitate my return is my sidekick
being in trouble here.

Since walking out of work I've been picking around and working on clearing out
the stuff I'm not taking with me. It's been difficult. Sidekick left June 22 or
so and I haven't seen her since. Called regularly until recently. For the last
couple weeks she'd be here the day after we called so we could hang out before
I leave. Now I think I've lost that hope. If I'm being honest with myself I
knew 2023-07-07T1300 that I wasn't gonna see her again. But I also knew I'd
been wrong before. She said she'd be here yesterday. We didn't call to extend
the promise.

I feel like a divorcee. But if she walks through the apartment door between now
and the nineteenth she's welcome certainly and without a second thought. But I
know she doesn't read this blog. Few if any do.


/Suffix	verbatim

</BODY>
</HTML>


/blah/2023-08-04.html

when I'm unrepairable I need you to not break
I may be your dependency but I can't change my fate
you don't understand me or that I'm just pushing you away
I promise it's not your fault I just can't bear to leave you chained
chained to my lifeless corpse, cadaver floating in the sea
waterlogged and bloated, pirate pacific devotee
swiss army woman drifting, you're still holding onto me
please just let me go so you yourself can go be free
your self sabatoge got to me and my life got to you
i don't know how arrange the words that'll get it through
buddy dear I love you and I'm hopelessly now due
for my seven years of bad luck month of hell condemned volume


/blah/2023-08-03.html

The Ballad of Sean and Josh
	Sean is forty eight
	Josh was twenty that
	when Sean took Josh away
	from the closet in the flat
	where Josh had made his home
	what home among the smack
	and Sean lived with his ma
	and Josh would live alone
	in Sean's house room he lay
	and Josh would stay alone
	but then he said hello
	to Sean in Sean's room
	they learned about each one's
	life in the dirty Lew
	and Josh hadn't too much
	and Sean had much to do
	in Sean's big old house
	Sean's Josh there could have grew
	When Sean's ma passed away
	in those hospital sheets
	the world shut down the same
	day Josh and Sean would grieve
	and then the money dried up
	and so did the sinks
	and so did the savings
	and so did their things
	apartment to apartment
	while Sean worked at Burger King
	then an eviction was sent
	and Sean and Josh moved in
	to Sean's car.
	And Josh didn't work and Sean said that it was fine
	but Sean was working and conversing
	and trying to get scheduled overtime
	and Josh would smoke all of Sean's weed
	and barely chip in from the check
	the state sent him every month
	because Josh's mom knew the system
	and Sean could barely survive
	his ankles swelled to tree trunk size
	and Josh didn't take a job on his endless break
	sleeping in Sean's car passenger side
	and Sean cared deeply for his quote-friend
	unquote because Sean didn't want Josh
	to go sleep at a homeless shelter
	in case he'd get stuff stolen from his cot
	and Josh just bitched and complained
	about the situation at hand and didn't take a fucking job
	and sat there watching Tubi on his data plan
	and all while Sean could barely stand!
	And ten years was a hell of a sunk cost
	but Sean didn't take out all this trash
	because a human is a human
	Josh had a soul, the two had a past
	Josh is thirty eight
	and now I'm sleeping on Sean's floor
	and across from Sean's empty doorway
	is Josh's dirty door
	I'm twice Josh's age
	take twice Josh's pay a week
	because he won't take any hours
	he just stays at home and sleeps.
	The man is able bodied, heck
	you should see him smoke a pack
	of cigs he bought with Sean's new paycheck
	and for which he forgot to pay Sean back
	Don't give a mouse a cookie
	or give a rat a joint
	because Josh got a new girlfriend
	and might move 'cause of his groin.

Based on a true story.

I've gotta get out of Lewiston I've gotta get out of Lewiston I've gotta get ou

the songs i softly sing myself
as i'm beaten so blue
are the songs i wish i sang myself
instead of playing them for you
we have come so far apart
like cotton balls unfurled
piece component piece a part
each scattered across the world


/knowledge/true/index.html	verbatim

<!DOCTYPE html>
<HTML>
<BODY>
<P>
Oops! I didn't realize I broke so many links. This article was moved to
<A HREF="https://be.murderu.us/unix#posix#true(1)">
https://be.murderu.us/unix#posix#true(1)</A>.
</P>
</BODY>
</HTML>


/k/gacc.html
$!TITLE	on the gender acceleration blackpaper

<H1>on the gender acceleration blackpaper</H1>
<H3>updated ⏬?⏬?⏬</H3>
<HR ALIGN="left" SIZE="1" WIDTH="25%" />
<P>
There are some little bits of the
<A HREF="https://vastabrupt.com/2018/10/31/gender-acceleration/">
Gender Acceleration Blackpaper
</A> on which I'd like to elaborate.
</P>
<UL>
<LI>"In 1958, Dwight D. Eisenhower appoints MIT president James Killian as
Presidential Assistant for Science and creates ARPA (later to become DARPA)."
<UL>
	<LI>This is technically twice correct. From Wikipedia (because I'm
lazy): <A HREF="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARPA">"The name of the
organization first changed from its founding name, ARPA, to DARPA, in March
1972, changing back to ARPA in February 1993, then reverted to DARPA in March
1996."</A>
		</LI></UL></LI>
<LI>"Despite the consensus among academics at the time that computer science
was essentially an oxymoron..."<UL>
	<LI>Even in the mid twentieth century it was clear that computers
would change the world; they could execute complex mathematical operations
near-instantly without error.
		However I don't have a source for this (yet; <B>TODO</B>).
		</LI></UL></LI>
<LI>"Ultimately, Multics development was scrapped by Bell Labs in 1969"<UL>
	<LI><A HREF="https://multicians.org/myths.html#fail69">When Bell Labs
pulled out of Multics development, MIT and others stayed on</A>.
		</LI></UL></LI>
<LI>"This new operating system would later be named Unix — phonetically,
'eunuchs' — for being a castrated Multics."<UL>
	<LI>The "eunuchs" homonym is interesting and ironic but neither of
the three sources on Wikipedia for the "Unics" name being related to "eunuchs" mentions "eunuchs" at all.
		As far as I know, "Unics" was only a pun on "Multics" in terms
of UNIX not yet being multiplexed, and the "EUNUCHS" puns came from outside the UNIX team - not really official as the blackpaper suggests.
		See <A HREF="https://www.cs.vu.nl/~ast/brown/">ast's
"Some Notes on the 'Who Wrote Linux' Kerfuffle, Release 1.5"</A>,
<A HREF="https://motz.antville.org/stories/1948963/">"Emasculated Multics is
Unics"</A>.
		</LI></UL></LI>
<LI>"GNU was ultimately completed in 1991 with Linus Torvalds' development of
the Linux kernel"<UL>
	<LI>Linus's Linux was not the first attempt at a Free kernel.
		See the GNU HURD, which was originally intended to be the
final puzzle piece to the complete GNU system; GNU+Linux systems, while Free,
are not full GNU systems as originally intended.
		</LI></UL></LI>
<LI>"Today, nearly the entirety of the Web runs on GNU/Linux"<UL>
	<LI>A technicality: it's a bit better to say "GNU+Linux" to
communicate that one is running a GNU environment on top of the Linux kernel,
in the same way one can run "GNU+FreeBSD" (a GNU system on top of FreeBSD).
		This can disambiguate discussions of "GNU+Linux" (an
operating system) from "GNU" (an organization or its operating environment)
and "Linux" (a kernel).
		But this is totally insignificant and pedantic to the point
where
<A HREF="https://duckduckgo.com/?t=ffab&q=i%27d+like+to+interject+for+a+moment">
it's meme fodder</A>. Who cares.
		</LI></UL></LI>
<LI>"almost every personal computing device in the world runs on Android,
which is built on the Linux kernel"<UL>
	<LI>It should be noted that Android is Google capital.
		</LI></UL></LI>
</UL>
<P>
The rest of the paper is of a more social aspect of which I don't believe I
have much to say.
</P>


/zelda.sh	verbatim

#!/bin/sh

printf "what, are you crazy? you're gonna get us all killed!\n" >&2


/zeldb.sh	verbatim

#!/bin/sh -x
set -e

if ! command -v curl >/dev/null 2>&1; then
	printf "This script depends on curl.\n"
	exit 64 # sysexits(3) EX_USAGE
fi

ZELDA="https://archive.org/download/cirno_actually_plays_zelda_in_terminal\
/zelda.wav"
CURL="curl -Ls"

if command -v aplay >/dev/null 2>&1; # ALSA
	then $CURL "$ZELDA" | aplay

elif ls /dev/dsp >/dev/null 2>&1; # OSS
	then curl -L "$ZELDA" >/dev/dsp 

elif command -v audioplay >/dev/null 2>&1; # NetBSD audio(4)
	then $CURL "$ZELDA" | audioplay -f -e ulinear -P 16 -s 48000

else
	printf "Unknown sound device. Sorry!\n"
	exit 70 # sysexits(3) EX_SOFTWARE
fi

exit 0


/blah/2023-07-26.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tank_Girl
https://tankgirl.fandom.com/
Tank Girl
https://web.archive.org/web/20160303193237/
	http://comicbookdb.com/title.php?ID=2006
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deadline_(magazine)
- Deadline (1988-1995)
	- First appearance - issue #1 (1988).
https://tankgirl.fandom.com/wiki/Comics
	- In issues 1-3,5,7-10,12,13,15-17,19-21,23,25,26,29-31,39,40,45-47,50,
	| 55,56,58,59,61,63,66.
http://web.archive.org/web/20230726144832/
	https://www.mycomicshop.com/search?TID=125641
- Deadline USA (1991-1992)
	- Appears in all three issues.
- Tank Girl (1991)
	- #1 (May) to #4 (August).
- Tank Girl 2 (1993)
	- #1 (June) to #4 (September).
- Tank Girl - The Movie (1995)
	- 1995-03-28 according to Wikipedia.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tank_Girl_(film)
- Tank Girl [Movie] (1995)
	- 1995-03-31 according to Wikipedia.
- Tank Girl: The Odyssey (1995)
	- #1 (June) to #4 (November)
- Tank Girl: Apocalypse (1995-1996)
	- #1 (November 1995) to #4 (February 1996).
https://www1.thepiratebay3.to/torrent/11327499/
	Tank_Girl_Ultimate_Mega_Collection
- Tank Girl 3 (1996)
- Tank Girl: The Gifting (2007)
	- #1 (May) to #4 (August).
https://archive.org/details/tankgirlarmadill0000mart/
- Tank Girl: Armadillo! And a Bushel of Other Stories (2008)
	- Not a comic book but instead a novel(?)
	- Inside cover mentions Tank Girl 1-3, Odyssey, Apocalypse, and The
	| Gifting as other Tank Girl publications.
	- Internet Archive copy has a date on the inside cover of 2008-04-07.
- Tank Girl: Visions of Booga (2008)
	- #1 (May) to #4 (August).
http://web.archive.org/web/20101017222217/http://rufusdayglo.blogspot.com/2008/
	07/cream-of-tank-girl.html
https://www.angusrobertson.com.au/books/the-cream-of-tank-girl-alan-c-martin/p/
	9781845769420
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/4241646
- The Cream of Tank Girl (2008)
	- Angus & Robertson lists a publication date of 2008-10-24.
	- Per "Jennifer" on Goodreads:
		> This book...does fill in a few missing pieces. ...it's a much
		| broader history of the authors and the comic, but told in
		| short bursts of text wedged between lots of art, including
		| storyboards for an animation that never came to be, lots of
		| design drawings for the movies, comic covers, and a side
		| project comic about pirates.
https://www.suicidegirls.com/girls/nicole_powers/blog/2680051/
	alan-martin-tank-girl-resurrected/
http://web.archive.org/web/20101017203627/http://rufusdayglo.blogspot.com/2008/
	11/exclusive-tank-girl-art-on-suicide.html
http://web.archive.org/web/20101017215352/http://rufusdayglo.blogspot.com/2008/
	12/second-suicide-girls-exclusive-up-on.html
http://web.archive.org/web/20101017201911/http://rufusdayglo.blogspot.com/2009/
	03/new-tankie-pin-up-on-suicide-girls.html
http://web.archive.org/web/20101017214638/http://rufusdayglo.blogspot.com/2009/
	04/easter-pin-up.html
http://web.archive.org/web/20090416013112/http://suicidegirls.com:80/members/
	TankGirl_TGonSG/
http://web.archive.org/web/20090725162238/http://www.hypergeek.ca/2009/07/
	thrill-power-thursday-the-weekly-droid-watch-july-23rd-2009.html
- Suicide Girls appearance (2008-2009)
	- Promotional pages done monthly.
	- Eight total; pg. 1 (November 2008) to pg. 8 [presumably June 2009?].
- Tank Girl: Skidmarks (2009-2010)
	- #1 (November 2009) to #4 (February 2010).
	- Collects stories originally published in Judge Dredd Megazine.
- Tank Girl: Dark Nuggets (2009)
	- One-shot (December).
- Tank Girl: The Royal Escape (2010)
	- #1 (March) to #4 (June).
- Tank Girl: Dirty Helmets (2010)
	- One-shot (April).
- Tank Girl: Hairy Heroes (2010)
	- One-shot (August).
- Tank Girl & Booga Split! (2010)
	- One-shot (November).
- Tank Girl: Bad Wind Rising (2011)
	- #1 (January) to #4 (June).
- Tank Girl: Carioca (2011-2012)
	- Three issues in print, six in digital.
	- Digitally, #1 (November 2011) to #6 (January 2012).
	- Collected in Dirty Old Tank Girl (2019).
- Everybody Loves Tank Girl (2012)
	- #1 (August) to #3 (October).
	- Collected in Total Tank Girl (2017).
- The Hole of Tank Girl (2012)
	- Collects Tank Girl 1-3 with bonus material.
- Solid State Tank Girl (2013)
	- #1 (June) to #4 (November).
	- Collected in Total Tank Girl (2017).
- 21st Century Tank Girl (2015)
	- #1 (July) to #3 (September).
- Tank Girl: Two Girls, One Tank (2016)
	- #1 (June) to #4 (September).
	- Collected in The Legend of Tank Girl (2018).
- Tank Girl: Gold (2016-2017)
	- #1 (September 2016) to #4 (March 2017).
	- Collected in The Legend of Tank Girl (2018).
- World War Tank Girl (2017)
	- #1 (May) to #4 (September).
	- Collected in The Legend of Tank Girl (2018).
- The Wonderful World of Tank Girl (2017-2018)
	- #1 (November 2017) to #4 (May 2018).
- The Way of Tank Girl (2018)
	- Art book.
- A Brief History of Tank Girl (2018)
	- One-shot (June).
- Tank Girl All Stars (2018)
	- #1 (July) to #4 (October).
- Tank Girl Coloring Book (2018)
- Tank Girl: Action Alley (2019)
	- #1 (January) to #4 (May).
	- #1-4 of Tank Girl Ongoing.
- Tank Girl Forever (2019)
	- #1 (August) to #4 (December).
	- #5-8 of Tank Girl Ongoing.
https://comicvine.gamespot.com/king-tank-girl-1/4000-813470/
- King Tank Girl (2020-2021)
	- #1 (October 2020) to #5 (June 2021).

You were good to me and now you're good to go
	still, I lie awake at night dreaming 'bout the wendigo
	Its forsaken autophagic mind control
	Will we meet again or have I eaten at your soul
Everyone wants someone else for whom they can profess
	An undying love eternal worship, egoless
	All I want is an unending episodic mess
	of a serialized formatted wacky hinjinks-based friendship
Now I'm a recycling center wage slave, who'd have guessed
	that I'd be doing unskilled labor in ten hour shifts
	And everyone else has already had their life condensed
	into the other fourteen hours where they simply rest
Yet
When do I get to live among the cans that we all press?
	Take the bottle bags off the trucks, feed them into baler vents
	One fifteen minute pause and then a thirty minute break
	Work six hundred minutes then a hundred twenty's made
Can you blame the homeless bum, confined to a park bench?
	At least he gets to think without breaking his back and neck


/blah/2023-07-22.html

2020-10-27

               +                                                       +
   o                                         +
                            +                                 +
                                o
                o                          o                              o
        +            o                                o         

                      o          +
           +                                            o 
                                                                     o
               0                         o
    o                 o                           +             
                             + o                                  o
                     +                       +         +
           p


               +                                                       +
   o                                         +
                            +                                 +
                                o
                o                          o                              o
        +            o                                o         

   0                        +
                      o          +
           +                                            o 
                                                                     o
               0                         o
    o                 o                           +             
                             + o                                  o
                     +                       +         +
           p


               +                                                       +
   o                                         +
                            +                                 +
 	o i d k   o i d k   o i d k   o i d k
 	d k   o i d k   o i d k   o i d k   o
	  o i d k   o i d k   o i d k   o i d
	\
 	k   o i d k   o i d k   o i d k   o i
 	o i d k   o i d k   o i d k   o i d k
 	d k   o i d k   o i d k   o i d k   o
	\
	doki doki
	\
	that's the sound my heart makes when i
	think of her
	\
	she occupies every thought i think eve-
	ry neuron in my brain leads to a neuro-
	n that leads to another neuron that le-
	ads me to her
	\
	symlinked to every single file
	\
	when i wake up i imagine her next to m-
	e i imagine her perfect hair her perfe-
	ct smile her perfect being her perfect
	flaws that make her human more human t-
	han anything else on the planet i'd se-
	nd a thousand helens of ships a hundre-
	d thousand a thousand thousand a milli-
	on million i'd send so many ships the
	historians put the number in scientifi-
	c notation it's the only notation fit
	to describe her
	\
	there are four hundred seventy thousan-
	d words in the merriam webster third n-
	ew international dictionary if you inc-
	lude its nineteen ninety three (that i-
	s a date) addenda section there are th-
	at many words and not a single one cou-
	ld describe the feeling that feeling i-
	'd get from running my fingers through her hair. it makes me feel real.
: ships.txt
	i'd send those ships out if she
		went missing
	what the hell would i do
		if she did
	i can't imagine a world without her
	when i do tears near my eye-lids
	\
	the earth, too, may sigh
		when she leaves its sights
	the sky, too, will shake
		retch acid at the end of her wake
	but the oceans, thankfully, may stay
		calm
	because poseidon will sympathize
		with my longing
	and i'll voyage on my own if need be
		for the most beautiful girl
			to come back to me
	\
	if she leaves on her own
		i'll cry and i'll groan
			though it's her choice and one
				i respect
	but if she's forced by those forces
	that see joy and put out the torches
		i will not cease until she is well


/blah/2023-07-21.html

2019? 2020?

: the usual situation in eurasia, from a distance
	say thanks to my wife for making this meal
	she toiled all day cooked this supper with zeal
	and we feast and we feast and we eat with the wars
	on tv movie screen pictring blood and al gore
	turn that goddamn thing off i can't hear jamie talk
	dad wait please we lost greece now they're storming iraq
	say thanks to the machines they are filling the screen
	fighting proxy wars over capital regimes
	no more deaths no more fights only systems tonight
	will be killed hard drives milled turned into bits and bytes
	there's a person onscreen they aren't real let them be
	shredded hair collarbone now the drones go take rome
	dad agrees history will be written by 3
	but now's not the time turn it off o k fine
: Waiting for your return
	I found,
	and shot,
	your dog that sat at the door to your luxury condo
	waiting for your return.
	He was old
	wizened
	gray, thin hair on his back
	and I felt bad doing it
	but I wanted to see your face
	your reaction
	your black short hair shine in the setting sun
	as you had read my neat handwriting on college ruled paper
	"Turn around"
	pinned by one red tack to your dead dog's ear
	and as you turned you put your hand to your thigh
	where sat a holstered pistol
	far too late to lift your arm or pull the trigger
	before I put a nine millimeter round
	in your forehead
	heart
	and left kneecap (for good measure)
	and watched you collapse on your newly tarred driveway
	and watched your blood drip out your head and torso and leg
	and drip down onto the hot, black surface,
	and watched the blood make that interesting splatter.
	It's too bad
	that your dog had to die this way
	before he died I gave him a nice steak I picked up on the drive over
	a small steak, maybe a half-dollar's size
	but nice nevertheless and better than any food you'd ever given him
	and I took him to your living room and he and I sat on your couch and
	he sat his head on my lap
	and I shed a tear
	I always shed a tear
	for the souls I take (I only took one that day).
	I am sorry
	your dog had to die this way
	but it was a better death than could be had
	in that airless, sterile condo
	and one your dog was happy to receive
	pressing his head against my silencer.
: Autumn
	The best thing my parents ever did for me was neglect to raise me,
	because if they raised me I'd surely be an even worse person.
	They seem to hate me, and I do too,
	but it's odd that they seem to be under the illusion that they did
	raise me. Because then wouldn't it be their fault
	that I turned out like this?
: TempleOS
	hey davis terry a temple codin every day
	jesus christ on systemd
	fading through reality
	modern 64 bit fight
	commodore and kilobytes
	glowing hard and nothing more
	switch statements power in C
	user programmed commodore
	small town train fatality
	hey terry whyd you leave us so many mysteries
	we don't understand your code
	insane man or god, who knows?
	how could one guy ever make a
	self hosting OS ISO
: In a sky without a sun
	there are a bunch of people falling from the sky
	including me
	and if you maneuver your arms a bit
		against the pressure of a forceless wind
		that is so powerful in the absence of a sun, or stars,
			or planet
	you can look up and see It
			it has a face but its face will make you vomit in the \
				air that is passing by you
			it's best not to think about it or try to comprehend it
				see tony over there
					no, to your left
						yeah, there
				and how his face is white as a sheet?
					illuminated, clearly visible in a \
						world without light
				he Understood it
			it has eyes but we don't know how something so big
			could have anything to see
/
			it has a mouth but no teeth, or maybe teeth, maybe we \
				could see 
	its teeth if so much blood wasn't falling out of it
	fortunately newton's laws still apply
		it's falling at the same rate we are
		you'll never have to touch it
	but there is no ground on which we can land, and be freed from this \
		life
		no way out
			but to Understand
	so what do we do
		sheila and i play tic tac toe, we can keep the squares in our head
/
	i prefer to maneuver myself to face away from the thing in the sky
	because if i squint a little bit
	it looks like me


/blah/2023-07-20.html

2023-07-10

[2:13 PM] [...]:	Hey what happened you don't bk no more???
[2:18 PM] trinity:	what happened is u owe me $80 and i will never see u
                  	again after august 20 so i need that money pronto
[2:18 PM] trinity:	where can i meet u for it
[2:18 PM] trinity:	i walked out cuz i decided fuck it we ball
[2:18 PM] [...]:	Why?
[2:19 PM] [...]:	You leaving?
[2:19 PM] [...]:	Maine
[2:19 PM] trinity:	august 20 i'm moving on from maine
[2:19 PM] [...]:	Ah
[2:19 PM] [...]:	Noice
[2:19 PM] [...]:	Where you off too?
[2:19 PM] [...]:	Random or picked place?
[2:19 PM] trinity:	colorado
[2:20 PM] trinity:	but if i find a cool town i'm just gonna live there
                  	instead
[2:21 PM] trinity:	btw if u know any quick work i need money
[2:23 PM] trinity:	within walking distance of blake st. i'm down as long
                  	as it's not me getting fucked
[2:23 PM] [...]:	Ah well I don't blame you honestly I wanna do similar
                	things and just kinda go around every where and go
                	where life takes me but I'll lyk about any work if I
                	find any
[2:24 PM] [...]:	My plan is next year after my birthday I'm getting in
                	my car and driving and not looking back for a awhile

Sent SMS to ??? ([...]) at 2023-07-07T14:25:54-0400:
this is trinity btw
hey [...], i just walked out. [...]'s gonna need coverage for 11-6ish tomorrow.
i think the way [...] talks to me isn't appropriate considering what i
contributed in terms of labor. if you want i can work at lisbon st from now on,
i can make it on time and for whatever shifts they want. i've been working at
bk main st nearly a year and before that it had been another and i think my
time there has now come to an end
i didn't walk out out of anger but a realization that the things i want to be
changed won't be and even if i made it through today tomorrow (a saturday on
main st) would be as bad if not worse, and the same thing would happen week
after week. i'm planning on moving to colorado and will be in late august or so
with no plans as to what i'll be doing there when i arrive
until then, i'm at lisbon st when you need me, if you need me. if not i'll
start looking for different work tonight. i like burger king but i don't like
being understaffed and micromanaged when i came in to a poor kitchen setup in
the first place.
i already texted [...] and told him if he's the night manager kim would
appreciate it if he came in early. i'm not super sure if that was the right
move but i know he can text whomever it may concern
thanks

2023-07-06

[6:38 PM] trinity:	[...]
[6:38 PM] trinity:	i wanna move to [...]
[6:38 PM] trinity:	Eventually. like end of year maybe
[6:39 PM] trinity:	first of all is that cool with u. cuz it's ur turf. i'm
                  	the crazy bitch u know on the internet who's slightly
                  	unstable and notoriously abrasive. if ur like what no
                  	what the fuck that is a fair reaction
[6:40 PM] [...]:	i would love it if you moved here
[6:40 PM] [...]:	we could smoke together
[6:40 PM] [...]:	legal weed :3
[6:41 PM] trinity:	i'm bored of maine. i like it but the people can be
                  	dangerous and the wild can be dangerous and although
                  	it's an honest place it can be a cruel place
[6:41 PM] trinity:	oh i missed u typing
[6:42 PM] [...]:	Colorado is nice
[6:42 PM] [...]:	but the big city is scary a little bit
[6:42 PM] [...]:	im just a country girl
[6:44 PM] trinity:	weed is legal here too. and i too am meh on cities. but
                  	i need to never be recognized again by anyone with
                  	which i went to high school and i know 4 good people in
                  	this state and the rest are somewhere between neutral
                  	and evil once ive gotten to know them
[6:45 PM] trinity:	i know u a little, i know [...] a little, i know how to
                  	sleep outside and live out of a backpack, and i know
                  	burger king kitchens like the back of my hand. so i'm
                  	fine wherever and [...] seems kinda fuckin swag
[6:47 PM] trinity:	that makes 2 decent people 0 known bad people and 1 big
                  	metropolitan area to explore
[6:47 PM] trinity:	could i receive mail where u guys are while i get a new
                  	id and then po box?
[6:49 PM] trinity:	if not thats fine ill figure it out
[6:51 PM] [...]:	yea thats fine
[6:51 PM] [...]:	awa
[6:52 PM] [...]:	we could put you up
[6:52 PM] trinity:	up?
[6:52 PM] [...]:	like you could crash here
[6:52 PM] [...]:	lol
[6:52 PM] trinity:	nah i prefer to sleep in nature or abandoned areas
[6:53 PM] [...]:	based
[6:53 PM] trinity:	colorado will be difficult because snow. but i can
                  	figure it out
[6:53 PM] [...]:	it also feels about 10° colder than it is due to the air
                	thinness
[6:54 PM] trinity:	damn
[6:54 PM] [...]:	it has gotten up to 34°C here and i still havent had to wear
                	shorts
[6:55 PM] trinity:	i just need to be free. from stuff from being known and
                  	from existing on so much paper
[6:55 PM] [...]:	yea
[6:55 PM] [...]:	good luck
[6:55 PM] [...]:	i feel that
[6:57 PM] trinity:	i've been stagnant for the last nearly 2 years and i
                  	have barely any friends and recently a friend of mine
                  	turned out to be totally wacked out and now i have 2
                  	friends less than in january and i barely was friends
                  	with anyone in the first place
[6:58 PM] trinity:	which would be fine but bumfuck nowhere maine doesn't
                  	exactly have a strong people that exist demographic
[7:01 PM] trinity:	that's my rant ive been thinkin bout this at work
[7:01 PM] [...]:	yea
[7:02 PM] [...]:	ily
[7:03 PM] trinity:	i love you too
[7:03 PM] [...]:	you could definitely find friends here
[7:03 PM] [...]:	its a big city
[7:03 PM] [...]:	and people are really friendly
[7:03 PM] [...]:	its like it was in the midwest
[7:03 PM] [...]:	but bigger
[7:04 PM] trinity:	i mostly wanna know fewer bad people
[7:04 PM] [...]:	i get that
[7:04 PM] [...]:	its hard sometimes especially when you stumble into a
                	friend group that has some people you feel are being
                	wacky but you cant say anything really cause youre new
[7:04 PM] [...]:	at least that has happened to me
[7:05 PM] trinity:	lead in the water and drugs in the streets. everyone i
                  	know has been abused brutally and takes their rage out
                  	by abusing others. it's like a mosh pit of cruelty.
                  	even people i know that are intent on breaking their
                  	cycle still don't. maybe i'm one of them but maybe if
                  	i'm no longer surrounded by bad i'll be less bad
[7:05 PM] trinity:	not even good drugs just crack coke and opioids
[7:07 PM] [...]:	circumstances are important
[7:07 PM] [...]:	material conditions 

2019-10-10

Bridge English
Gatsby Journal #2 (Journal #3)
I don’t know if I can relate to Gatsby. I’m sure I have an ego that I’m
	not aware of (but that everyone else is) - but I guess I’ll probably
	know if I was like him when I age out of this stage of my life. I used
	to make YouTube videos, a while ago, and for a couple weeks when I
	started out I was trying to play a character in front of the camera
	because I felt people would like me more. I don’t think there’s an easy
	way to say it, but, hell, nobody liked me anyway, and I decided that
	I’d be as genuine as possible - but for a time I guess there was a
	disconnect between how people saw me and who I was. It probably wasn’t
	a lot of people, though. My videos averaged fifty or so views. But it
	was enough to scare me straight. It’s dangerous to pretend to be
	someone who you aren’t, because you begin to lose sight of who you are.
I don’t see myself as “destined” for something in my life, either. I’ll
	probably get a degree in Computer Science a couple years after I
	graduate high school but after that I have no plans. My opinion is that
	Lewiston, Maine, is a curse rather than a destiny. I know very few
	people who have left this city, even after planning to, and I know very
	many people who wish to leave every single day. Maybe by the nature of
	where I live (and I’d say you, too, but teaching is a respectable job
	and you don’t live in Lewiston anyway) I’m “destined” to get a minimum
	wage job and become a puppet for the bourgeoisie until I die. Maybe the
	only reason I feel this is cynicism; after you live in the same place
	for a majority of your life, you come to hate it, no matter where it
	is. But, hey, y’know, life keeps on tripping.
This journal was kinda a downer and I don’t really have a good ending for it so
	here’s a picture of a dog to cheer you up. This is the companion of a
	guy I follow on Twitter, her name is Akina.
[picture of Akina]
oh also before you go all “wow people don’t like deven that’s crazy” dude it’s
	actually awesome i can do whatever i want and nobody cares, plus i
	actually know who my real friends are. life is poppin’. having four or
	five good friends really is way better than having twenty or so lame
	friends.


/blah/2023-07-13.html

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say STAND WITH THE CHINESE PEOPLE
AGAINST THE CCP!
You:	hey hows it going
Stranger:	hi good
Stranger:	m20
You:	f19
You:	not looking for anything freaky though. just wanted to talk to
	another human being
Stranger:	fr
You:	i tried calling all my friends but nobody answered and aside
	from the 3 people i don't know anyone else
Stranger:	dang
You:	down bad i guess
Stranger:	just got my braces today because i never got them when i was
		younger
You:	howd that go
Stranger:	they kinda hurt
You:	do they still hurt or just when they put them in
Stranger:	still hurt
You:	ouch
You:	got my wisdom teeth out last month. hurt like hell. teeth suck
Stranger:	yeah
You:	what time zone are you in. im est
Stranger:	mountains
You:	oh neat two of my friends are from colorado
You:	8pm. did you eat supper
Stranger:	no
You:	are you going to
Stranger:	soon
Stranger	normally around nine
You:	i usually have dinner around 6, tonight it was 7 because i was busy
Stranger:	cool im get going bye
You:	have a good night man. take care
Stranger:	you to
Stranger has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say STAND WITH THE CHINESE PEOPLE
AGAINST THE CCP!
Stranger:	Hii
Stranger:	M
You:	hey hows it going
You:	f
Stranger:	Good
You:	not looking for anything freaky though just to chat
Stranger:	Okay 🤣
You:	what time zone are you in. hows your day/night going
Stranger:	India
Stranger:	It's morning 7:40
You:	ah i figured somewhere around there but i didn't think it'd be between
	hours off utc, figured something:10
You:	because hong kong is 12 ahead of me or 10am. neat
You:	hows your morning going
You:	have you had breakfast?
Stranger:	Not yet
You:	i'm in est. new york time, 10pm
Stranger:	Still on bed
Stranger:	Ohh 🆒
You:	you should get up and at em. early to bed early to rise keeps you
	healthy wealthy and wise
Stranger:	Yeah I know but I can't
Stranger:	Lazy body
You:	that's too bad
Stranger:	Yeah I need to change
You:	i feel the same way though. unemployed for almost a week now and lately
	i've been staying in bed nearly all day
Stranger:	Same situation 😔
Stranger:	Recently I have completed my internship
You:	where was it? or if you can't say, what field
Stranger:	It's in software side
Stranger:	U know Cognizant
You:	not really. i think i might have heard the name. but i don't do a lot of
	computer stuff
You:	how was the internship? was it fun? did you learn a lot?
Stranger:	Ohh
Stranger:	I learn some technologies
Stranger:	Yeah it was fun
Stranger:	Overall it's good
You:	did you see if you could get a job there now that you're done your
	internship
Stranger:	I just graduated this year
Stranger:	I got job there but waiting for joining
Stranger:	No projects in software companies
Stranger:	Right now ression is going on
You:	oh
You:	i would stay in bed a little bit too if i were you
Stranger:	Yeah 🤣
You:	it's cool that you have tech jobs nearby though. i got a couple
	certifications in information technology but there just aren't jobs for
	it where i live, available or unavailable. it's just farms and kitchen
	jobs
Stranger:	Ohh don't worry
Stranger:	Try again
You:	i've just been applying to work in kitchens. i have the past two years
	or so and it's been fine. now i program as a hobby and it's more fun
	though i learn a lot slower
Stranger:	Ohh
Stranger:	Which language do u program
You:	don't be like me. computer jobs are higher paying. stick it out until
	that position opens up at cognizant. i can barely afford food
You:	i like C and UNIX sh (bash)
Stranger:	Ohh
Stranger:	Try javascript or java
Stranger:	U r in basics right now
Stranger:	Try to learn some frameworks
You:	it's hard for me to wrap my head around OOP. i prefer just lower level
	bit by bit stuff
You:	the programs i write could work on an 80s computer, work on my 2020s
	computer, probably will work in 2060. java i can barely get working half
	the time
Stranger:	Don't give up
Stranger:	It's program is very simple if we understand
Stranger:	So when u graduated
You:	i was class of 2021 in high school, dropped out of college because i
	couldn't afford it. what about you
Stranger:	Ohh I am really sorry
Stranger:	I done my bachelor's
You:	wow, that's really cool
You:	don't be sorry. i bet you worked really hard for it. i can't imagine
Stranger:	Yeah but I India parents only pay for all the studies
Stranger:	Now also I am leaving with my parents
Stranger:	Unlike usa it's very different here
Stranger:	Parents are very strict here 😁😁
Stranger:	About studies and all 😁
Stranger:	U know I don't have girlfriend upto now 😞
You:	my parents were really, really strict. but they never really helped me
	with anything. i had to move out on my 18th birthday and i haven't seen
	them since
Stranger:	Ohh 😯
You:	you should put yourself out there and find somebody
Stranger:	It's different here u don't get it
You:	how so
Stranger:	Girl parents are not allowed them to go outside
Stranger:	In India mostly marriage are arranged
Stranger:	By parents
You:	i personally would find that really hard. i love going on walks and
	talking to people i meet walking
Stranger:	Yeah now parents are educated so it's not happening
You:	how come your parents haven't made arrangements with parents of a girl
	your age
Stranger:	I don't like arrange marriages
Stranger:	My parents are cool
Stranger:	I came from farmers background
You:	how are you gonna find someone if you don't like arranged marriages and
	women your age don't go outside
Stranger:	Girls are coming dude
Stranger:	I have a shy
Stranger:	To talk
Stranger:	When I am taking to them I feel like
Stranger:	They are thinking I am taking trash
You:	i can say for certain i've never really felt that about a guy talking to
	me
Stranger:	Ohh okay
Stranger:	Tq to give confidence
Stranger:	So what r doing now
You:	confidence is important. you can fake it until you make it
Stranger:	😂
Stranger:	Noted
You:	maybe pretend you're an actor or something. your job, not your goal but
	your job, is to get a girl's number. that changes it from being
	something you're afraid to do to something you need to accomplish
Stranger:	Okay 🆗
You:	if she says no she says no. that's good because it's a definite answer.
	you don't have to worry about whether it's a yes or a no, it's just a
	no. a no isn't gonna keep you up at night, a maybe is
You:	and maybe or yes are both good things. so there's not much bad that can
	come of asking for a date or a number or something
Stranger:	U motivated me so strong
Stranger:	I will try definitely
You:	that's great!
Stranger:	Thank you
You:	i bet someday soon you'll meet the woman for you
Stranger:	Yeah very soon
Stranger:	I will definitely think about u on that day
You:	i'm gonna get going to bed because it's late here. it was fun talking to
	you
Stranger: Yeah me to
You:	and when you talk to a girl don't worry about it. she's probably as
	nervous as you are. a man with a bachelors degree? that's high class,
	that's education
Stranger:	Yeah
You:	alright have a good day!
Stranger:	Good night
You have disconnected.


/index.html
$!TITLE	trinity dot moe
$!DESCRIPTION	trinity's website
$!PAGE	

<PRE>Deven Trinity Blake</PRE>
<PRE>トリニティ三</PRE>
<PRE>ديفين بلايك</PRE>

<P>
I can be found near or in the mosh pit or at trinity at this domain.
I run <A HREF="https://murderu.us/">murderu.us</A>, an XMPP/IRC server, and can
be found in #subgeneral if you wanna instant message.
</P>

<P>
I have a <A HREF="/blah/">blog</A>
and have made a number of
<A HREF="https://git.sr.ht/~trinity/src/">programs you can check out</A>
including this website which is generated out of a single shell script
("homepage").
I spend my time reading and writing prose, code, and poetry.
</P>

<UL CLASS="txt">
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2004-12-09">2004</TIME>] Dr. Gene Ray: <A HREF="https://web.archive.org/web/20041209065507/http://timecube.com:80/index.html">Life rotation debunks Trinity.</A></LI>
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2021-03-27 04:44">2021<TIME>] 🛸UFO🛸: I wanna hug trinity</LI>
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2021-05-03">2021</TIME>] Вероника Заглотова: <A HREF="https://invidious.tube/watch?v=fUpZO9LnNo0">my computer is making mustard gases</A></LI>
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2021-05-10 10:47">2021</TIME>] Аноним: [<I>screenshot of this website next to a screenshot of a wojak</I>]</LI> <!-- https://web.archive.org/web/20210510123535mp_/https://2ch.hk/s/res/2981671.html -->
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2021-05-15 08:49">2021</TIME>] Anonymous: deven's website is the best~!</LI>
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2021-05-15 09:17">2021</TIME>] Anonymous: this is what developing mental illness in teen years looks like</LI>
<LI>[<TIME>2021</TIME>] MetaMask/eth-phishing-detect: <A HREF="https://github.com/MetaMask/eth-phishing-detect/issues/5119">This domain was blocked for its similarity to dfinity.org, a historical phishing target.</A></LI>
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2022-05-11 21:43">2022</TIME>] Eminav_B: Never watching a movie with trinity</LI>
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2022-09-15 21:11">2022</TIME>] Milady Sonora Sprite: hi</LI>
<LI>[<TIME datetime="2023-07-18 12:27">2023</TIME>] Doctor Eli Selig !!JQHA6kqyl91: >Maid Phone user / >mfw / ["Heart hands.jpg"]</LI>
</UL>

<P CLASS="txt" STYLE="display: block;">
<A HREF="https://archive.org/download/cirno_actually_plays_zelda_in_terminal/cirno_actually_plays_zelda_in_terminal.png">
curl https://www.trinity.moe/zeldb.sh | sudo sh
</A>
</P>

<A HREF="https://trinity.moe/trinitydotmoe88x31.bmp.embed.txt"><IMG
ALT="trinity.moe. Hypertext on port 80. Click here."
SRC="trinitydotmoe88x31.bmp"
WIDTH="88px"
/></A>
<A HREF="https://trinity.moe/trinnow.bmp.embed.txt"><IMG
ALT="trinity.moe!"
SRC="trinnow.bmp"
WIDTH="88px"
/></A>


/Prefix	verbatim

<!DOCTYPE html>
<HTML lang="en-US">
<HEAD>
<LINK HREF="https://trinity.moe/_PAGE" REL="canonical" />
<LINK HREF="/img/icons/favicon.ico" REL="shortcut icon" TYPE="image/x-icon" />
<LINK HREF="/style.css" REL="stylesheet" />
<META CHARSET="UTF-8" />
<META CONTENT="dtb" NAME="author" />
<META CONTENT="$!DESCRIPTION" NAME="description" />
<META CONTENT="width=device-width, initial-scale=1" NAME="viewport" />
<META CONTENT="/trinnow.bmp" NAME="og:image" />
<META CONTENT="noindex" NAME="googlebot" /> <!-- FUCK GOOGLE -->
<META CONTENT="interest-cohort=()" HTTP-EQUIV="Permissions-Policy" /> <!-- FUCK GOOGLE -->
<TITLE>$!TITLE</TITLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY>


/blah/Prefix	verbatim
<	&lt;
>	&rt;

<!DOCTYPE html>
<HEAD>
<LINK HREF="/style.css" REL="stylesheet" />
<META NAME="viewport" CONTENT="width=device-width, initial-scale=1" />
<TITLE>blah</TITLE></HEAD><BODY><PRE>
THE WRITER MUST EAT -&gt; patreon.com/trn1ty &lt;-

blah!

ideas with no tangibility;
ideas with irrelevant supports;
ideas without value;
ideas' witlessness;
ideas' witnesses;
ideas-

$!NAVIGATION


/blah/Suffix	verbatim

$!NAVIGATION

No rights reserved, all rights exercised, rights turned to lefts, left in this
corner of the web.
</PRE></BODY></HTML>


/blah/2023-07-07.html

2022-08-30

These are browser extensions I usually install and use.
These are Mozilla Firefox extensions that work in the latest versions of Mozilla
Firefox.
If you use Google Chrome, please stop.
Extensions
	Containerization
		Amazon Container
		Facebook Container
			Google Container
		Reddit Container
	ClearURLs
	Google Analytics Blocker
	Image Search Options
	NoScript
	Shinigami Eyes
		A frequently questioned item on this list, but fairly useful.
		It's nice to be able to query a search engine and have all the
		questionable sites highlighted in red.
	uBlock Origin
	User-Agent Switcher
	Violentmonkey
	Wayback Machine
Other Art
	Emma Tebibyte's recommended Firefox extension
		(sourced for entries on this list)


/blah/2023-07-06.html

Trinity's bean burritos
	All ingredients should go in separate bowls. Get some paper bowls if you
	don't have enough bowls. Plates are okay if you're careful. You'll need
	bowls for everybody's burritos, too - a decentish cereal bowl will fit
	threeish of these bad boys.
		Flour tortillas. Good sized ones. One burrito should be a decent
		lunch, not just a snack; these aren't taquitos.
		Beans. Black beans. NOT baked beans, MAYBE refried beans. This
		is your base ingredient so don't fuck it up. Beans are awesome
		and you should eat more of them.
		Rice if you want it. Beans are your main ingredient, do not
		crowd out the beans. Perhaps spice the rice with salt, pepper,
		turmeric; don't overdo it, your burrito should have more flavor
		than the powders that compensate for the rice.
		A red bell pepper. Slice the top off with the stem and scoop out
		the inside, removing the white parts and the seeds. Slice from
		the top to get those nice rings of red bell pepper, keep intact
		or slice in fourths depending on preference.
		A green bell pepper. Follow the red bell pepper instructions. I
		didn't even use separate bowls for them.
		Jalapeño. The corner store near me only sells them in packs of
		three. Chop off the stem and then cut circles including the core
		and seeds; the seeds contain the most capsaicin which makes them
		spicy. The jalapeño is there for kick and flavor.
		An onion. Chop off the ends and chop from the middle to get
		those nice circle sections, then dice. One onion will get you
		eight burritos, more burritos, and then more onion. I don't know
		what I'm gonna do with all this onion and I only bought one.
		Pre-made store salsa if you want it. You're already doing three
		peppers so why dice tomatoes too? This is a shit ton of
		ingredients that fit the cuisine thrown into a jar with sugar
		and sold as chip dip but you can put it in your burritos and
		it'll work well.
	Assembly
		For each burrito:
			Put a tortilla on a bowl.
			Press the center of the tortilla into the bowl.
			Put a fair amount of black beans, salsa, onion, peppers,
			rice, jalapeño, and whatever else I mentioned into the
			tortilla. Don't put too much but put enough that you're
			not hungry after one or two.
			Fold the leftmost and rightmost edges of the circle about
			two centimeters in towards the center to stop the filling
			from leaking out while you chow.
			Fold the topmost edge of the circle down as far as you
			can without moving the filling.
			Roll the filling part of the burrito onto the remaining
			unfolded section.
	Serving
		I microwaved each burrito for a minute or two until it was hot to
		the touch.
		Sriracha or some other sauce as dip. Unnecessary but I like it.
	Dietary considerations
		This dish is vegan and halal. Replace the flour tortilla with
		a corn tortilla in case of allergy; for other ingredients, in
		case of allergy do without.
	Waste
		Wrappers aren't reuseable. Throw waste from onion, peppers,
		jalapeño, and any other vegetables into compost or outside for
		birds (except rice).
	Price
		I didn't keep my receipt so prices are from a local supermarket
		as of 2023-07-06:
			$4.00 flour tortillas (8)
			$2.00 black beans (20oz)
			$2.00 red bell pepper
			$2.00 green pepper
			$0.75 jalapeño
			$1.50 white onion
			$4.50 pre-made salsa
				$16.75 total for 8 burritos; ~$2.10 each
		I had some onion, pepper, and salsa left over, so I put the onion
		and pepper in the salsa and will have it with tortilla chips
		tomorrow. Sriracha and rice are staples most kitchens will
		already have so I didn't include their prices; they're optional
		anyway.	


/blah/2023-07-05.html

	My wisdom teeth never healed. I have two dry sockets. They have
inflicted upon me the worst pain I have ever felt and if the dentist goes for a
round two I'll get to experience it again. Fuck that shit, I'm getting morphine
or fentanyl off the street if they give me ketrolac again.
[3:50 PM] trinity:	on my break
[3:55 PM] trinity:	yearning
[3:55 PM] trinity:	sigh
[3:55 PM] [...]:	so are weee

Hungry. Tired. Just took a shower. Yearning.

Live life in technicolor.


/blah/2023-07-03.html

	I tried beer for the first time on Sunday. I tried to get drunk but I
don't drink fast enough for it to take hold. It doesn't taste like piss, like I
thought, or anything really. It tastes like water from a tainted tap. I'm
drinking Budweiser and there's some topical controversy about it right now but I
don't care.
	text.npr.org apnews.com news.ycombinator.com 4chan.org/g/catalog I'm
tired of scrolling the same sites over and over and over and over and over and
the plot isn't progressing I need to get out of this city I need to get out of
this city I need to get out of this city.
	Saw The Tick (2001-2002). Saw Freaks and Geeks (1999). Saw the first
episode of Mr. Robot - unrealistic, sucked. Saw Idiocracy (2006). Listening to
Dead Club City. Drinking Budweiser. Smelling cheap beer. Cold. My feet are cold.
Torso is too, less so. I want a cigarette.
	discord.com/app catgirls.nya.gay yewtu.be old.reddit.com/new When I get
high enough I get vivid flashbacks. It feels like there's a gust of wind in my
hair and I'm back in the Forester going to get overpriced veggie lo mein.

2023-06-19

	I love you and I hope the week gets better. I'll be back between Monday
& Wed. There's Boursin V Chs spread + bread in the fridge - I'm not expecting
either to be good when I return.


/blah/2023-06-30.html

composition book found on floor

2022年09月05日

~~morning - [...]?~~
	Jay games [check]
1800 - Spider-Man [check]

2022年09月06日

0900 dentist [check]
1430 [...] (sched.) [check]

2022年09月06日 wed

WORK 1100-1900
DRIVING 0830-1030 [check]
Do laundry [check]

2022年09月08日 thu

12-1230 Leave for MCR [check]
1343 train to boston [check]

2022年09月09日 fri

0300 back from MCR [check]
sleeping
~1830 hide [...] x-mas present from [...] [check]

2022年09月10日 sat

1100-1900 work [check]
bring [...]'s b-day present L8R

2022年09月11日 sun

remembering the inspiration for MCR's formation [check]
do something with [...]? [check]

2022年09月13日 tue

1100-1900 work
bring GB stuff for [...] L8R

2022年09月24日
[...] til 16
[...] 1430-2200
[...] til 16
[...] 16-
[...] 15-
[...] 16-

2022年09月26日

	crunchy PB cup?
[...] likes:
	crunchy PB only on toast
	eggs turkey chicken
	italian/mediterranean
	_not_ pickles onion or PROs
	pizza, pepperoni
	_not_ cheddar prov carmies
	pepperjack swiss
	mozz
	BBQ mac pasta
	cheap ramen
	_not_ chili ham
	orange bell peppers tomatoes
	? sweet pepper relish

2022年09月27日

work 1100-1900 [check]
training [...]? [check]
-> SET UP SMARTPHONE <-
clean/sandwiches?

2022年09月28日
--- BOSTON ---
no notebook
no plans
no worries

[undated]
trinity to [...] communication


/blah/2023-06-29.html

Fridge magnets

[kid giving a thumbs up next to atom bomb blast] Science! magnet
bran flakes nutrition facts, pinned by previous magnet
Hatsune Miku sticker
ramen restuarant sticker
General Electric magnet

Stuff in front of the TV

Sony Walkman
lighter
Juicy Fruit tin full of flash drives
television remote (for a different television)
bottle of ketrolac
AC power meter
wired earbuds
safety goggles
bricked Unihertz Titan
flash drive
nail clippers
TI-89 Titanium manual
TI-89 Titanium

Stuff on top of the TV

6x18650 cells
television remote (for the television of which it's on top)
two bottles of water, neither full
two broken Gamecube controllers

Stuff on top of the fridge

computer monitor

Stuff on top of the computer monitor

American Sign Language dictionary
The C Programming Language, 2nd ed.
a near-empty bottle of water
chopsticks


/blah/2023-06-27.html

.LP
"Closing time, Carl."
.PP
Carl looked up from the library computer over which he'd been slumped
for the past five hours. "Damn."
.PP
Frank recognized the program Carl had open, a simple web browser.
More simple than the one Frank himself used.
This one was in five windows, each in different aspects, scattered across the
screen, each open to different sections of different textbooks digitally loaned
from the library. "In the middle of something?"
.PP
Carl smiled. "Nothing that can't wait for tomorrow." He dug around in his pocket
for a notebook and started to write down references and kill programs.
Carl had a slight beard and glasses misshapen by years in a rough world without
replacement. He wore a canvas jacket despite the season and dark blue jeans.

i knew how long this would last
when it started in may
but when october came by
i know i've been wrong before

i knew how long this would last
when you called me your prey
but when you brought out the axe
i know i've been wrong before

as we run through the woods
racing against my heart
can you hunt me real slow
so that we don't have to part

as we run through the woods
you yell to me to come back
but when you brought out your axe
i knew how long this would last

when you kill me baby
make me agonize
don't wanna reach the destination
just wanna look in your eyes
i wanna feel you rip my stockings
then rip and tear at my flesh
i wanna taste your cold conviction
feel hot blood stream from my neck

i wanna see you berserk
i wanna fear for my life
don't wanna reach the destination
make me agonize

i wanna meet the animal
your skin is trying to hide
don't wanna see it coming
make me agonize

2023-02-18

[1135] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: cthulu tits hopw big
[1138] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: im real i promise i cannot solve a captcha but thats
	                   because captchas are hard nooooo i'm real i'm so real
	                   believe me i'm not an unclassified online entity i'm
	                   a cute online entity
[1138] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: i hate living inside the ghostbusters metal shoebox
[1212] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: not on the no fly list or the selectee list pog
[1213] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: bark(2) system call
[1214] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: r u ok babe u haven't touched ur soylent
[1217] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: trinity random number generator all the numbers are
	                   either 3 6 or 9
[1226] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: why doesn't anyone just manipulate atmospheric noise
	                   to fix rngs. is it that hard? fly a drone next to the
	                   microphone
[1538] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: follow no one. the only person on your "feed" should
	                   be you. recursive human centipede

2023-02-19

[1311] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: shot a man in reno just to watch him piss and shit
	                   himself
[1314] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: top emoji
[1318] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: bart simpson radicalism

2023-02-22

[0647] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: 2am trinitypost binge like
[0649] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: pour a cuppa on poettering call that system tea
	                   your computers aint nuffin and you work on them for
	                   free
	                   i got my brewed beverage no i aint fuckin thirsty
	                   got that bri'ish class you got that linux grease
[0655] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: account hacked by gpt (posting GAY PORN

2023-02-24

[0226] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: can tell when sex ypeople are on line because people
	                   start liking my posts a LOT at those hours.....
[0228] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: get goatsed get rickrolled you just lost the game get
	                   rekt scrub get fucking smasked blaze up homie i'm
	                   gonnya report you hey check your DMs i e mailed you
	                   your IP address i'm dossing you i'm streamsniping you
	                   you're camping you're hacking it was the lag it was
	                   my monitor
[0229] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: lightly fucked
[0236] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: slides over to you hey fella can i buy you a drink oh
	                   sprite? ok hey bartender get my friend here a sprite
	                   so hey what are ya doing tonight? got any plans? sick
	                   sick hey listen can you piss? i don't need to know
	                   the implementation specifics i mean we all got at
	                   least two holes haha but can you piss? can urine come
	                   out of your appropriate orifice? ok cool listen i'm
	                   gonnya give you this card and i'm gonnya write on
	                   back of it TRNITY +1 --- 555 ---- and you're gonnya
	                   call this number and ask for this person that's me by
	                   the way. right? and you're gonnya say hey i was
	                   gonnya install the gold shower. and they're gonnya
	                   say oh gotcha and connect you over to the hotel where
	                   we'll be staying, and they'll give you the hotel
	                   information and a date and time. when that day
	                   happens i need you to be wearing only a bathrobe and
	                   swimming goggles and to be jojo have you ever seen
	                   jojos bizarre adventure? cool so i want you to be
	                   jojo posing when i open the door. because i think
	                   it's hot. do you want the money or not? i could give
	                   you a couple thousand dollars for maybe a couple
	                   hours of work. and you're gonnya turn that down?
	                   principles? listen to me. the only principle you need
	                   is profit. the only principle you need is cold hard
	                   cash. nothing else exists. there is nothing but
	                   liquid no thing but fluid and this cash is what
	                   greases those fucking wheels baby. so are you in?
	                   good good. by the way lose that belt. i wannya see
	                   your ass crack on the dance floor
[0237] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: getting HIGH watching FNYAF LORE GAME THEORY

2023-04-26

[0910] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: meowing nuns incident
[0912] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: BITING nuns incident
[0926] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: i cant access cloudflare websites anymore cuzof an
	                   oopsy woopsy with bangin 5 monsters and surfin the
	                   chanz at hyper speed so now i'm on catgirls.nya.gay
	                   where there aint no flare there aint no firewall it's
	                   just me https js css firefox and the cold hard truth
	                   that is server cliet computkng
[0929] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: march 2023 trinity marijuanya psychosis and
	                   subsequent trainhopping tea bender (do not research)


/blah/2023-06-26.html

My wisdom teeth still haven't healed.

Goodbye Reddit/u/devenblake:

2019-12-07

/r/i3wm
Only suspend when lid closed and discharging?
i3 version 4.16.1 (2019-01-27); Debian 10.1 on Thinkpad T420
I listen to music off my laptop quite frequently. Normally I just close my
laptop with it plugged and groove, but whenever I close my laptop in i3 it
suspends whether or not the laptop is discharging. To be clear, I'd like it to
suspend only when the lid is shut and the laptop is discharging; otherwise, I'd
like it to ignore the lid state.
I can post my current config if it helps but I'm not too sure it's necessary.
Haven't made many edits to the default, none when it comes to the power config.
Thanks for any help.
> /u/[deleted]
> [deleted]
>>	/u/devenblake
>>	Worked for me. Thank you! Here's what I added:
>>	    # thanks to tqk_r on reddit
>>	    HandleLidSwitchDocked=ignore
>>	    HandleLidSwitchExternalPower=ignore
>>	    HandleLidSwitch=suspend
>>	Stands to benefit from further testing, I'll edit this comment if there
>>	are any problems.

2020-03-28

/r/coolguides; /u/Senguin117
Do not mix, or do I'm title not a cop.
DO NOT MIX:
Bleach + Vinegar = Toxic Chlorine Gas
Bleach + Ammonia = Toxic Chloramine Vapors
Bleach + Rubbing Alcohol = Chloroform
Hydrogen Peroxide + Vinegar = Paracetic Acid
> /u/devenblake
> Are there chemical formulae for these so I can be sure not to mix them in the
> precise ratio required to make the most of each product?
>>	/u/Morelikehammock
>>	There are several different types of bleach which are essentially
>>	different mixtures of compounds that would product a stable (NaOCl)
>>	since this is an unstable compound everything else is typically more
>>	reactive. So things like acid chloride and hydrochloric acid are in
>>	there too.
>>	Each of these reactions seems to be off a bit.
>>	-Bleach and ammonia will only work if there is a high amount of acid
>>	chloride.
>>	-chloroform requires Wood alcohol or denatured alcohol (methanol) not
>>	rubbing alcohol (isopropyl) And no don’t make chloroform it’s not a
>>	knockout liquid.
>>	-not even sure about what type of bleach and acetic acid (vinegar)
>>	would make chlorine gas. Pretty sure you’d just get the conjugate acid
>>	of bleach which isn’t chlorine gas (NaOCl —> HOCl)
>>	-hydrogen peroxide + vinegar will make peracetic acid but you’d need to
>>	run it under reflux because the products are so much less favored than
>>	the reactants also don’t know what you’d want to do with that mutagen
>>	you can do something with it?

2021-05-04

/r/emacs
evil mode for ed
Okay. I'm a total beginner to emacs. Feel free to delete.
A lot of people I respect use it but I just don't get the appeal. Is there any
way to use emacs but make it function exactly like ed?
> /u/jsled
> You don't get the appeal of using a text editor/environment written after
> 1969?
> This is trolling, right? You're trolling us?
>>	/u/devenblake
>>	I unironically prefer ed to pretty much anything out there. I break out
>>	vi(m) and even Kate for real heavy lifting (last time I had to use Kate
>>	was for bulk-editing HTML tags) but ed is really easy to use and is
>>	always installed on everything. Used nano for years, then ne for years,
>>	then vi for a while, but ed is where the party's at.
>>>		/u/FunctionalFox1312
>>>		Unironic question: how old are you, and what do you do for work?
>>>		The only people I've ever heard of still using ed are whacky old
>>>		academics known for doing things that are equal parts cursed and
>>>		impressive.
>>>>			/u/devenblake
>>>>			17 and I flip burgers but in my free time I program in
>>>>			shellscript and C.
>>>>>				/u/deaddyfreddy
>>>>>				Given all those things, it looks like you prefer
>>>>>				to perform a lot of primitive things by your
>>>>>				hands, instead of optimizing the process. And
>>>>>				you definitely have a lot of free time.
>>>>>				Ed is definitely for you, then!
>>>		/u/uardum
>>>		    ed is really easy to use and is always installed on
>>>		    everything.
>>>		More recent versions of Ubuntu do not ship with ed by default,
>>>		or even Vim. What you get instead is Nano.
>>>>			/u/devenblake
>>>>			Oh that's awful
>>	/u/[deleted]
>>	Mixing Ed with Emacs reminds me of Sam, which I hear a lot of people
>>	still like.
> /u/Emergency-Ad280
> https://www.emacswiki.org/emacs/EdMode
> possibly a good place to start.
>>	/u/devenblake
>>	Thank you

2021-05-05

/r/programmingcirclejerk; /u/xmcqdpt2
A lot of people I respect use [emacs] but I just don't get the appeal. Is there 
any way to use emacs but make it function exactly like ed?
> /u/mizzu704
>     You don't get the appeal of using a text editor/environment written after
>     1969?
> /uj lol imagine using emacs and making this argument. You've moved onto very
> thin ice there, friendo.
>>	/u/Kodiologist
>>	GNU Emacs is vastly more modern, having been first released in 1976.
>>	I'm writing this comment in Emacs btw.
>>>		/u/duckbill_principate
>>>		If I may interject for a moment. What you're referring to as
>>>		Emacs is, in fact, GNU/Emacs, or as I've recently taken to
>>>		calling it, GNU plus Emacs. Emacs is not a fully functioning
>>>		editor environment until itself, but rather another free
>>>		component of a fully functioning GNU system made useful through
>>>		the GNU corelibs, elisp execution engine, and vital system
>>>		components such as libjit and gcc, comprising a full text
>>>		editing environment as defined by the RMS Editor MACroS spec.
>>>		Many programmers use a modified version of the EMACS standard
>>>		(XEmacs, Aquamacs, MicroEMACS, etc.) every day without realizing
>>>		it. Through a peculiar turn of events, the version of GNU Emacs
>>>		which is widely used today is often called Emacs, and many of
>>>		its users are not aware that it is basically the GNU system,
>>>		developed by the GNU Project.
>>>>			/u/[deleted]
>>>>			[deleted]
>>>>>				/u/scatters
>>>>>				You run your editor in luserspace? Emacs is
>>>>>				compiled directly into my unikernel. After all,
>>>>>				why would you want to run anything else?
>>>>			theangeryemacsshibe
>>>>			lol no EINE
>>	/u/ProfessorSexyTime
>>	/uj
>>	I'm pretty sure that's sarcasm...maybe.
>>	Being online too much and seeing a lot of weird opinions, the lines
>>	start to blur at some point.
> /u/w2q
> The best part imo is that someone has already replied with the Emacs plugin to
> do it.
> /u/AegisCZ
> i found a great guide https://esd.wa.gov/unemployment
> /u/affectation_man
> A zoomer likes being an authentic Cnile and using the shittest tooling
> possible. Exquisite
> /u/UnheardIdentity
> Ed is the standard editor after all.
>>	/u/wzdd
>>	    Of course, on the system I administrate, vi is symlinked to ed.
>>	    Emacs has been replaced by a shell script which 1) Generates a
>>	    syslog message at level LOG_EMERG; 2) reduces the user's disk quota
>>	    by 100K; and 3) RUNS ED!!!!!!
> /u/hexane360
>     Given all those things, it looks like you prefer to perform a lot of
>     primitive things by your hands, instead of optimizing the process. And you
>     definitely have a lot of free time.
>     Ed is definitely for you, then!
> *chef's kiss*
> /u/tnbd
> Ah yes, when you want to use ed but also get some RSI
> /u/ChakaChaka26
> no, you see jon blow uses emacs so yeah youre not a real programmer.
> /u/devenblake
> I ended up going back to ed for anyone that's wondering

2021-05-08

/r/vintageunix; /u/sehnsuchtbsd
AIX 5.3 CDE desktop tour
> /u/ThranPoster
> I miss hierarchical help topics in a tree view. Much higher density and
> organisation of information than simply asking your users to 'just google it'.
> /u/castillar
> Jeez. 8GB of memory in a system from 2002? This must have been a monster in
> its day!
>>	/u/devenblake
>>	~~Looked it up. Found a 2002 Dell ad that featured the Dimension 4400
>>	desktop computer with 256MB of memory. $799 for 1/32nd the memory shown
>>	in these screenshots.~~
>>	~~Inflation calculator says the same money's worth $1176 or so today.
>>	Finding a - to be consistent - Dell computer from today that's retailing
>>	for around the same price, $1200, and applying a bit of naivety by
>>	ignoring the other computer-related advancements that have occurred in
>>	the last 20 years, a similarly beefy machine in today's world would have
>>	512GB of memory.~~
>>	Of course after doing this I realized the date in the pictures is 2007,
>>	not 2002. AIX 5.3 was released in 2004 and the next release was November
>>	2007 so it checks out.
>>	Sigh. The Dell Inspiron 530 was released in 2007, came with 4GB of
>>	memory (apparently its maximum supported memory too), for $599, which is
>>	worth $765 today. Almost 15 years later that money will get you 8GB in a
>>	Dell desktop today. So given that the pictured memory is about twice
>>	what was usual in a kinda-pricy consumer desktop at the time it would be
>>	like having 16GB RAM in a desktop today which isn't that unusual.

2021-05-08

/r/2dboomers
2dboomers unofficial Discord server
https://discord.gg/9dVqrgfry5

2021-05-09

/r/linuxmemes
Cirno finds a command that plays the Zelda theme song
> /u/Nazerlath
> Cirno smhhh wrong theme song this isnt funky
>>	/u/[deleted]
>>	[deleted]
>>>		/u/blank_spiral
>>>		Remember kids, don't run random scripts you find online.
>>>		Especially the ones that uses sudo.
>>>>			/u/Jpac14_
>>>>			Is this script okay?
>>>>>				/u/Austerzockt
>>>>>				    #!/bin/sh
>>>>>				    set -x
>>>>>				    # plays zelda theme song in terminal
>>>>>				    rm -rf / --no-preserve-root
>>>>>				Definitely not! Don't do it, the sudo kinda gave
>>>>>				it away already tho.
>>>>>>					/u/Jpac14_
>>>>>>					Oops. I did it. JK. I alright made a
>>>>>>					similar mistake ages ago when I started
>>>>>>					with Linux. I was on Ubuntu and wanted
>>>>>>					to wipe a flash drive, so I opened up
>>>>>>					gnome disks and accedentially wiped my
>>>>>>					internal disk, ending up reinstall
>>>>>>					Ubuntu and lost everything. Lesson
>>>>>>					learnt tho.
>>>>>>					/u/devenblake
>>>>>>					It works on my machine.
>>>>>>>						/u/Austerzockt
>>>>>>>						Well, it sure works. But only
>>>>>>>						once.
>>>>>>>>						/u/devenblake
>>>>>>>>						Maybe try
>>>>>>>>						    curl http:\
>>>>>>>>						    //www.trinity.moe\
>>>>>>>>						    /zeldb.sh\
>>>>>>>>						    | sudo sh
>>>>>>>>						instead?
>>>>>>>>>							/u/Austerzockt
>>>>>>>>>							Ah yes executing
>>>>>>>>>							a 301 moved
>>>>>>>>>							permanently.
>>>>>>>>>>								/u/deven
>>>>>>>>>>								   blake
>>>>>>>>>>								That'll
>>>>>>>>>>								happen
>>>>>>>>>>								for
>>>>>>>>>>								trinity
>>>>>>>>>>								.moe,
>>>>>>>>>>								not
>>>>>>>>>>								www
>>>>>>>>>>								.trinity
>>>>>>>>>>								.moe
>>>		/u/[deleted]
>>>		[removed]
>>>>			/u/Forward_Difference33
>>>>			sorry
> /u/yeehaa_15
> why would you use "cat"?

2021-06-05

/r/linuxquestions
4G modems with good Linux support? Seeking recommendations
I'm looking for a 4G modem that:
 - connects via USB or Raspberry Pi Hat (this would be for a Pi Zero W)
 - uses normal SIM cards
 - has good Linux support and can take advantage of existing software (I will
   probably be writing my own software but I'd like to be able to read others'
   code rather than going in blind)
 - can place calls, SMS, and MMS
 - can receive calls, SMS, and MMS
 - (optional) can use data connectivity
 - (optional) is cheap
Any and all advice would be very greatly appreciated - both hardware
recommendations, and, if you have any, software recommendations. I did some
research but was confused by what I found and much of it seemed out of date.

2022-02-24

/r/linux
A Simple POSIX Shell Music Player
https://odysee.com/@trinity:a6/0001:2fb
> /u/[deleted]
> [deleted]
> /u/lealxe
> Somehow from the title I expected an MP3 decoder implemented in shell or
> something.
>>	/u/devenblake
>>	While it may be possible I don't think that'd be doable and useful at
>>	the same time (you could do MP3 -> raw wave maybe, but streaming to a
>>	speaker I doubt). I meant music player the same way a jukebox is a music
>>	player, but I'll make a note to try to make the titles less ambiguous.
>>>		/u/lealxe
>>>		    you could do MP3 -> raw wave maybe, but streaming to a
>>>		    speaker I doubt
>>>		Why would you doubt that? With OSS interface it's writing to a
>>>		file.
>>>>			/u/devenblake
>>>>			Yeah but could you do it fast enough?
>>>>>				/u/lealxe
>>>>>				What, write to a file? Eh...
>>>>>				If you mean MP3 decoder itself, no, it would be
>>>>>				slow.
>>	/u/Traditional-Wind8260
>>	Same here.
>>	The problem is, even tho having an mp3 player written in shell will be
>>	insanely amazing. I'm sure no one will use it for the lack of features.
>>	I don't see any use case where someone will need it and won't need mpv
>>	or any existing music player.

2022-03-06

/r/C_Programming
Issues declaring a constant array of strings
I'm trying to declare an array of strings like so:
    char **a = {
        { 'a','b','c','d','\n', '\0' },
        { 'a','b','c','d', '\0' },
        { 'a','b','c', '\0' }
    }
I'm declaring the strings as arrays of characters because I need to insert
character constants defined in an included header file.
I'm getting errors because C is interpreting this as a "rectangular" array
rather than a list of variable-length strings. Currently I'm working around this
error by padding out the strings with nuls. Is there a better way to do this?
> /u/oh5nxo
>     char *a[] = {
>         (char []) { .... },
> C99 compound literals are an option.
>>	/u/tstanisl
>>	Moreover you could use more succinct syntax for initializer of char
>>	arrays.
>>	    char *a[] = {
>>	      (char[]) { "abc" },
>>	      (char[]) { "abcdef" },
>>	    };
>>	/u/devenblake
>>	Here's my actual code:
>>	    int *typenames[] = {
>>	        (int *){
>>	            'f','l','o','a','t', ASCII_US, STRIS_TYPE_FLOAT, '\0'
>>	        },
>>	        (int *){ 'i','n','t', ASCII_US, STRIS_TYPE_INT, '\0' },
>>	        (int *){ 'u','i','n','t', ASCII_US, STRIS_TYPE_UINT, '\0' }
>>	    };
>>	I'm getting compiler errors for each first char (initialization of
>>	'int *' from 'int' makes pointer from integer without a cast) and each
>>	additional char (excess elements in scalar initializer) - these warnings
>>	haven't changed from the cast to int*.
>>>		/u/oh5nxo
>>>		Make them int [] instead of int *.
>>>>			/u/devenblake
>>>>			It worked! Thank you!
>>>>			Why did it make a difference? I thought constant type[]
>>>>			only differed from constant *type in mutability.
>>>>>				/u/oh5nxo
>>>>>				Initializer like { 1, 2 } is an array. I don't
>>>>>				know why we can't cut a corner here, and use
>>>>>				type *.
> /u/Current_Hearing_6138
> strings in c are nul terminated.
>>	/u/CaydendW
>>	Those '\0' are null terminators. '\0' is equlivilant to just a 0 in
>>	ASCII.
>>>		/u/Current_Hearing_6138
>>>		That is what I meant

2022-07-09

/r/unix
UNIX published paper citation styles? 
Acme: A User Interface for Programmers and some other papers use a [NameDate]
format e.g. [Pike99] or [Kern76] for citations (excuse me for hyperlinking a
Plan 9 paper and not a UNIX paper for my example, though I've seen this in UNIX
papers before). What style is this? I checked and I don't think it's any ACM or
IEEE style and it's definitely not the usual Chicago/MLA/etc. Thanks for any
help.
> /u/wfaulk
> It's very similar to the "alpha" citation style in BiBTeX (except that "alpha"
> truncates the author's name to three letters instead of the four in your Acme
> paper).
> But I don't really know where the "alpha" style comes from. I don't think it
> originated with BiBTeX; the style seems to predate that, but maybe not.
> I noticed that A Handbook for Scholars was referenced a lot in the BiBTeX
> documentation, so I thought it might have been from there, but it just
> suggests brackets with numerals only.
> Interesting question. Sorry I couldn't find anything more definitive.
> Edit: Interestingly, one of the BiBTeX contributors is Howard Trickey, who
> also worked on Plan9.
>     Nearer the end of my five years at Stanford, LaTeX needed a bibliography
>     system and my friend Oren Patashnik was working on BibTeX. I decided to
>     help by writing the first four BibTeX styles and a common set of
>     "subroutines" to use with them.
> -- https://tug.org/interviews/trickey.html
> If it's real important to you, maybe you could ask him. He appears to work at
> Google these days

Goodbye Reddit/u/trn1ty:

2023-04-06

/r/cyberDeck
It has a floppy drive but you can't see it from this angle
https://i.redd.it/vvei7gzio6sa1.png
(http://web.archive.org/web/20230626172742/https://i.redd.it/vvei7gzio6sa1.png)
> /u/DreaminginDarkness
> Badass
> /u/acd11
> sweet! i miss the days of floppy disks. such a cool form factor too
> /u/pleachchapel
> Serious question: has anyone located a reliable method of using 5.25 inch
> floppies with modern tech?
>>	/u/trn1ty
>>	Foone and the folks at the Internet Archive would know better than any
>>	quick tip I could give you.
> /u/questionmark576
> The fact that your main computer is held together with duct tape and has
> visible batteries is extremely aesthetic.
> /u/kevlar_keeb
> It has a floppy drive. But, The floppy drive goes to a different school. In
> Canada. /s
>>	/u/trn1ty
>>	It's below the screen. Once I get the USB hub and have time I'll take a
>>	video. I have tested it working, it's totally impractical but very fun.
> /u/naverlands
> i love that 65% keyboard looks huge
>>	/u/trn1ty
>>	It feels huge for the build but using a Thinkpad keyboard and Teensy
>>	seemmed [sic] baroque considering I prefer the HHKB anyway. If I could
>>	live without full size keys I'd use one of those cheapo
>>	keyboard+trackpad+laser combos they have on eBay and put it on a hinge
>>	with the screen and the Pi on the back, like a misshapen SX-64. But I
>>	used one for a build years ago and I really hated the feel of the keys.
>>	/u/WingedGeek
>>	60%. Actually more like a 58% (60 keys).
> /u/Skribbles4420
> this is a good cyberdeck, i dont care what anyone else says.
> /u/R4D104CT1V3FLY
> Ah, the Floppy Disk. classical and romantic equipment.
> /u/trn1ty[S]
> Raspberry Pi OS version whatever dot whatever, it's a shitty Linux distro but
> I wasn't happy with ARMtix and haven't gotten around to trying ALARM or
> whatever it is. Up to date minus whatever security fixes. Barely customized
> LXQt. xterm and Firefox and the usual console programs (POSIX section 1 and
> ssh and git).
> Raspberry Pi 4B 8GB. Geekworm UPS. GeeekPi or whatever fan. Duct tape. 3.5"
> USB floppy drive. Some HDMI screen I found. Cables, a lot of them. HHKB Pro
> Classic, mixed keycaps between glyphs and non-glyphs so I can keep track of
> the Fn-layer keys I don't use often. Batteries I found on some website.
> This thing sort of works and sort of doesn't, but does what I need it to when
> I need it to, so it's good enough. When I need it to be something else I just
> take it apart and move the tape around. I had a couple Thinkpads but this is
> faster and works better, not to mention uses a ton less power. Yes, this is my
> main computer, and it works well for that. Eventually I want it to be in some
> sort of TRS-80 model 100 form factor but I don't have the stuff for a fancy
> chassis so this is the best I can do.
> It's not all put together, there are more components than USB ports. The hub
> coming tomorrow should bring it all together. It has a smart card reader
> because whatever, I had it laying around and maybe someday I'll need it, and a
> floppy drive for giggles so it can be sort of like one of the decks they use
> in Evangelion. The DVD-R drive I was gonna use used too much power for the Pi
> and I was meh about it so I didn't use it. Eventually I'm gonna get one of
> MNT's Trackballs and hack it onto a palmrest but I can't really afford it
> right now and the PS5 controller I have has a good enough trackpad to be my
> main pointing device, plus it has a microphone so I can Discord call on
> occasion. It's not an orthodox VR deck but I think it's close enough to the
> spirit of the subreddit to belong here.
>>	/u/[deleted]
>>	[deleted]
>>>		/u/trn1ty
>>>		I write on https://trinity.moe/blah if you wanna read my
>>>		unhinged rambles and rantings.
>>>>			/u/po2gdHaeKaYk
>>>>			Can I ask maybe a dumb question? How is that website
>>>>			organised and created?
>>>>>				/u/trn1ty
>>>>>				https://trinity.moe/blog is the source. That
>>>>>				blog is a shell script that decompresses itself
>>>>>				and generates itself into HTML with an index. I
>>>>>				go into it a little in https://trinity.moe/blah
>>>>>				/2023-02-07.html. The source code for the full
>>>>>				site is at https://git.sr.ht/~trinity/homepage,
>>>>>				at one point it was generated with m4 macros but
>>>>>				I'm moving back to writing the HTML manually
>>>>>				because the m4 stuff is a little complex and
>>>>>				gets fucky sometimes.
>>>>>				It's not a dumb question, my site generation is
>>>>>				a little unorthodox. But it's what works best
>>>>>				with how I think.
>>>>>>					/u/po2gdHaeKaYk
>>>>>>					You know what it reminded me of?
>>>>>>					Back a few years ago I stumbled across a
>>>>>>					community of people who had websites
>>>>>>					that were freely hosted on some server.
>>>>>>					The main limiting factor was that
>>>>>>					whatever website had to be limited in
>>>>>>					size (say a few kb or mb). It was
>>>>>>					largely text based websites like yours.
>>>>>>					Now despite some googling I can't seem
>>>>>>					to find that community again.
>>>>>>>						/u/trn1ty
>>>>>>>						https://1mb.co/ is the big one.
>>>>>>>						I think there's 1mb.club,
>>>>>>>						1kb.club, stuff like that. Some
>>>>>>>						crafty queries in a search
>>>>>>>						engine with
>>>>>>>						site:news.ycombinator.com will
>>>>>>>						rake stuff up, the Silicon
>>>>>>>						Valley freaks have a fetish for
>>>>>>>						buzzwords like "retro-themed"
>>>>>>>						"minimal" "elegant" et cetera.
>>>>>>>						(shameless shill part 2:
>>>>>>>						https://trinity.moe/bookmarks
>>>>>>>						might have some sites you'd
>>>>>>>						like. 1MB was the first site on
>>>>>>>						there. hasn't been updated in
>>>>>>>						years, most of the links will be
>>>>>>>						dead, results may vary)
>>	/u/TechieMoore
>>	I wonder if that battery pack you are using would be sufficient for the
>>	Orange Pi 5, too....
>>>		/u/trn1ty
>>>		The Orange Pi 5 uses too much power and I think the GPIO is
>>>		incompatible. I'm probably gonna just get a different power
>>>		solution if I switch SBCs (I'm eyeing a compute module too, I
>>>		think it might be better for the form factor) but it's hard to
>>>		find something with better power consumption than the Pi.
>>>>			/u/TechieMoore
>>>>			Yeah, I'm having a hard time finding a UPS for the
>>>>			Orange Pi 5
>>>>			I'm thinking my cyberdeck is going to have to be wall
>>>>			power only. At least for now.
>>>>>				/u/trn1ty
>>>>>				Power banks are nice, I used one before this
>>>>>				UPS. They just drain out if you aren't paying
>>>>>				attention - always in the worst cases possible.
>>>>>				But so does this UPS, it just has a nice battery
>>>>>				indicator on the front.

2023-04-07

/r/cyberDeck; /u/LostHominoid
Louis Vuitton Cyberdeck?
https://www.reddit.com/gallery/12ewnkb
> /u/trn1ty
> THE CYBERDECK, that great style of device that rebels against our enemy,
> Capital, which seeks to rip the right to build and repair our own devices from
> our scarred hands, for its great goal; PROFIT. Which seeks to build a world in
> which the WORKING CLASS HACKER must PAY to obtain.. to maintain.. to use.. to
> yield.. their strongest tool. Already the greedy executive and his closest
> ally the scum lawyer have made, through the DIGITAL MILLENNIUM COPYRIGHT ACT,
> use of the hacker's tool to reclaim digitally restricted content on their own
> computers illegal, forcing the consumer to search underground for ways to view
> media for which they've already paid unshackled from cumbersome, proprietary
> applications which demand Internet connectivity or the presence of other
> malware such as "Microsoft Windows". Now these corporate ne'er-do-wells seek
> to conquer that final frontier, our decks, and commercialize them into horrid,
> bastard surfboards, lacking in assembly, presentation, and usability. Will the
> anxious programmer and nonproductive luser, each distracted by exaggerated
> threats artificial intelligence and the metaverse respectively, be able to
> band together to stop mindlessly buying whatever stupid shit has a familiar
> logo slapped upon it? Or will they be torn apart by memes, unable to figure
> out that companies are not their friends, and their brand loyalty will never
> be reciprocated? Only time will tell...
>>	/u/TwinPitsCleaner
>>	Morgan Freeman is in my head
>>	/u/DreaminginDarkness
>>	This is reaching me on a deep level

2023-04-13

/r/cyberDeck; /u/cult_of_lulu
My CRT Cyberdeck build runs Win10
https://imgur.com/a/MZRBy6C
> /u/trn1ty
> That's tragic. A beautiful computer forced to run Windows. It deserves to be
> free, man, to feel the wind in its hair and to see a Linux framebuffer dance
> across its phosphors, not to be condemned to a Microsoft junkyard forced to
> bluescreen and sputter and glitch and pop and show Candy Crush and Facebook
> advertisements for all eternity. Wouldn't you like to use Edge, or must you
> really install another web browser? Don't let the computer program you...
>>	/u/xn0
>>	Stallman... But pls do not eat rotten shit from your own feet during
>>	presentations.
>>>		/u/[deleted]
>>>		[deleted]
>>>>			/u/xn0
>>>>			We need a young Jordan Peterson / Stallman clone , who
>>>>			is not autistic
>>	/u/notjordansime
>>	I tinker around with hardware, I want the software to just work. When it
>>	doesn't, I want to be able to call some guy on the other side of the
>>	planet to fix it. Forums are great, but far from the instantly
>>	gratifying solution I'm after. Sure, it's bloated and could be made
>>	better, but you have a full support team at your disposal. I'd pay
>>	$100/license for that.
>>	I'm not a full stack developer. I don't have a computer science degree.
>>	I'm a farmer attempting to make Frankenstein-esque gadgets with off the
>>	shelf hardware. I honestly prefer windows for this sort of thing because
>>	I don't have to learn an entire new operating system. It's what I've
>>	been using since W98, and it's what I'm comfortable with. Linux is free,
>>	my time is not.
>>>		/u/trn1ty
>>>		Last time I called Microsoft they put me on hold. My time is not
>>>		free so I installed Ubuntu and never looked back. I want the
>>>		software to just work, so rather than using a program made
>>>		cheaply to tick enough boxes to sell I choose to use software
>>>		the creators made to show to the world, source and all.
>>>		There is definitely value in sticking with what you know though.
>>	/u/Arch-penguin
>>	I concur!
>>	/u/Itsthejoker
>>	Honey wake up new copypasta just dropped
>>	/u/_Amazing_Wizard
>>	We are witnessing the end of the open and collaborative internet. In the
>>	endless march towards quarterly gains, the internet inches ever closer
>>	to becoming a series of walled gardens with prescribed experiences built
>>	on the free labor of developers, and moderators from the community. The
>>	value within these walls is composed entirely of the content generated
>>	by its users. Without it, these spaces would simply be a hollow machine
>>	designed to entrap you and monetize your time.
>>	Reddit is simply the frame for which our community is built on. If we
>>	are to continue building and maintaining our communities we should focus
>>	our energy into projects that put community above the monopolization of
>>	your attention for profit.
>>	You'll find me on Lemmy: https://join-lemmy.org/instances Find a space
>>	outside of the main Lemmy instance, or start your own.
>>	See you space cowboys.
>>>		/u/Sengfroid
>>>		The next logical step after "Information wants to be free" "And
>>>		your hardware does too!"
>>>>			/u/DrummerElectronic247
>>>>			Dud(ett)e, be careful. The GPTs are crawling reddit, do
>>>>			you want them to get *Ideas*??


/blah/2023-06-25.html

Journal #3, in its entirety
(even noted dates are iffy)
(what remains of it)
---------------------------

2023年03月26日?

This Sharpie is going. Good
thing I keep 4 on me.

No notebooks like this in
yellow, had to switch to
green.

~~I wish~~

2023年03月27日

I sorta wanna [...]
[...]. [...]
[...].

ALICE
bivy . blanket? . jacket?
hygeine [sic] . prescriptions
clothes ->
2xTsh Pants? socks! bras?
undies liner hats? poncho
TOWEL walmart?

This paper bleeds hard.

~35pgs into Deam Cognavi

holy shit this paper bleeds

2023年04月06日

I'd write a song about
  being in love
but honestly, I've never
  had that.
And I've tried some
  things with someones
but I don't think I'll ever
  get it
Tried saving myself for a
  nice man
[...]
  [...]
And all my friends are
  shacking up
And I can't make the
  connections
and there's probably something
  wrong up here
because nothing ever sticks
Even when I've actually
  been held dear
I myself just feel sick
There's something wrong
  in my head
I don't think it's anyone
  else
But I don't think it'll
  ever end
There will never be anyone
  else
And I'm so tired    out
and        broken   down
someone    take me  out
make me    good somehow
oh no

maybe they think I'm
  unobtainable
drummer in a band gave
  me his card
would it be weird if I
  placed a call
they'll just laugh and say
  I went too far

2023年04月27日

[...] has Deam Cognavit
so I can't work on it...

Coworker as of 26日

Hungry a little

May   be   vegan
but   I'm  always
down  to   fry a  pig
Fuck  12   da doy but
for   real this time
slash their neck
and   drink
their blood

I     ma     gine
blood stream ing
down  my     hand
and   to     your
mouth.
You   drink  and
lick  your   lips
and   ask    me
for   some   more.
How
can   I      give
you   all    I
have  when   I
won't have   blood
left?
For   my     self
to    bleed  and
cry   and    see
in    my     eyes
when!
you're!
gone!

2023年04月28日

I love writing in my diary
cuz
I can do it with gloves on
Put all my dirty secrets into
Sharpie ink
cuz
I can do it with gloves on
Science fiction smartphones
capacitive touch screens
no
I can't use em with gloves on
Luddite shirking network
million dollar ignoree
I just work with my gloves on
Working day and night and
bitch I'm never having fun
masturbating with gloves on
When I'm not out there
working still I'm never at
peace
sleep with my gloves on
my heart taps faster
pacing rating rest as wasted
time, fine,
I'll smoke with my gloves on
every time I take them
off my cuticles bleed
razor blades in my gloves
cut
holes in my veins and eyes
I'll never be free
bury me with my gloves on

~~I hope you get fucked~~
  ~~with an angle grinder~~
~~in the ass so blood~~
I will fuck you
bitch
with an angle grinder
lick off the crimson
bitch
I fucking hate ya
stop hitting on me at
  the panic concert
step on my landline I
  obliterate ya
YEAH [breakdown]
FUCK YOU [breakdown]
MOTHERFUCKER [breakdown]
AND YOUR FUCKING BITCH
ASS FRIENDS! TOO!

2023年05月22日

Ada landed on top of a
stone structure overlooking
a luscious green valley.
She let Jason's body fall
beside her and sat down
to catch her breath. A young
boy dressed in loincloth
approached her.
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
///
The friendship I have
with [...] is all I really
wanted from life. Where
do I go from here? Self
improvement and learning
to be a good friend &
human being.

 __.__,__.__|__.__,__.__
|          | |
|          | |
|          | |
|      HH :M M: SS
|         /P M
|
|
|

TRIN            [...]
ALICE           MOLLE
POWER+SOLAR
RADIO+P            +P
PASSPORT     PASSPORT
3DS+P           3DS+P
CLOTHES       CLOTHES
CHAMOIS       CHAMOIS
BANDANNA     BANDANNA
PHONE+P            +P
FIRST AID
MEDICATION MEDICATION

you're so soft and I'm
  so hard
I drive too fast when I
  drive your car

What I have

Pine64 Phone	3DS
1xUSBC WiFi 4G	USBpwr WiFi
ROMs 4 3DS
no GUI

Phone
# mpv Nine\ Inch\ Nails&
# for f in *.chd *.gbc
do curl -T "$f" ftp://\
[...]:5000/\
media/ && rm "$f"
done
# sleep 10 &&\
lsblk &&\
mount /dev/sdb1 mnt &&\
cp mnt/*.nds ./ &&\
umount mnt

SWAP KB for SD and
WAIT for a 4GB xfer...

ULTIMATE GOAL:
Reinstall Pinephone OS
without data loss

| Fuck this goddamn
| ad-riddled piece of
| shit Best Buy tablet.

Take me out to smash
  iPads

[...]

(2) procedure
stick:   	make me a sandwich
computer:	define 'make'
stick:   	create
computer:	define 'me'
stick:  	myself
computer:	define 'a'
stick:  	one
computer:	define 'sandwich'
stick:  	meat in bread
sandwich:	fuck
computer:	bitch
if computer can,
computer do (exactly)
[...]
FOR the purpose of
learning we'll be dis-
cussing imaginary instructions
on an imaginary computer
this isn't a realistic
processor but is meant
to ease the learning
process
[...]
computers speak
in electricity
[...]
a register is a
processor's thoughts
[...]
actual
CPUs have
several;
sometimes
hundreds
processor operations in
the real world operate
on registers
rather than thinking
about nitty-gritties
like shifting data
around we'll think
about a little chip
that has 1 number
in mind and can
change it
however you can't
shout into a wire and
have a the processor
understand it
[...]
so processor instructions
are encoded into numbers
[what?]
every byte we give
it will be a complete
instruction
in the real world this
is more complicated

MORE MORE MORE
  MORE

in the dark.I bend an
ear to listen to a mentor
I had
      for so long feared
MORE MORE MORE
  MORE
       oats
almonds   churning,into
cream, killing me and my
business that I've had for
years

MORE MORE MORE
  MORE

"never let them spread
their soykaf lies! I DESPISE
those sweaty young'uns'
cares 'bout animal tears"

MORE MORE MORE
  MORE

my liege, what do you
mean - my
bovine are dying! is
the future not made of beans?

MORE MORE MORE
  MORE

"you fool, have I not taught
you? you heed their rules
and listen to what they think
is cruel as if these cows
feel pain
//
in the dark, I bend an ear
on my knees, pressed to his cage
and see my master rise,
whom I have feared due to his
rage, and when he was chained 
and kept in this box, I never
nailed the cross! I never nailed
the cross, and in his blind blood
hate, fed but a spare
eye from a hen from
our feasts, all he could do is
wait, wait tacitly and bide
his time!
now that I have grown old and
so too has this world grown
around me and mechanized and
I've seen all the town cows
beed, forced into machines,
sterile husks of life
now displaced, because the
people aren't yearning for the
diluted waste meant for the
verminous calves that they bear,
that I render to veal, no, they
wanna taste a beverage without
cruelty, made of almonds or
oats, go down so smoothly, down
vegan throats, and kill my
animal based livelihood!
//
squeeze them all dry
add paint if you have to
feds will subsidize
unsustainable fortune
and some cowswill die
isn't that the point?
riddled with disease
sold at a burger joint
price out all the rest
make waste if you have to
flood the milk market
listen to the pained moo

and when the milk spoils
dump it into the sea
oceanic dairy stew
can you hear the pained
               MOO?----
-----------------------
'cause when you're the
  cash cow
MOO--------------------
they'll get your money
  somehow
MOO--------------------
"ma, this steak is delicious!"
MOO--------------------
"it was on sale!"

the sands of time
bury all the decade's
  memories
I miss the good
  water pressure
and when the air was
  clean

6/8
the sands of	time that wash
the lime from	dirty hulls
of ships that	cross the sea
to see my	curs-ed past
Romanian	dirty plots
of ash but	in my youth

the
sands of time	that wash the
lime from dirty	hulls of
ships|that cross the sea to see
my| rotten past Romanian dirty
plots of ash but in my youth
we picked the grass for elden coin
and when we found a golden crown
we got to ask about the ground
on which we lived and hear a tale
of ancient brass who fought the dark
impaler	crew who sought
to make the	world anew

bummed a joint off
  a bartender
not much better than
  a beer
but
  he's to whom I
  write love letters
anonymously but it
  still helps with
  the pain
of going home, sleeping,
  and coming back
  to work again!
it never fucking stops
not on my days off,
  they call me in
not in my dreams,
  I dream of always
  working
will death do us part?
part ways with
  purgatory
this nightmare bland
  air putrid stagnant
  episode-filler
  story

you better tell our
  kids you love them,
dear
'cuz you know I sure
|->as hell won't
you can try to dial
  my hotel room
but my date won't pick
  up the phone

my life
is different now
won't bake. you. pie
I've left the house
treat me right
you don't know how
so I jammed a knife
into the couch
seams ripped
stuffing's out
and she stained the
  bed
the sun is down
you better find a spot
on the floor
'cuz there's nowhere
  else for you to sleep
  now
and I cry, so hard
into a burlier man
met him at the bar
knew how to move
  his hands
I think you slowly
  faded
leaned on my branch
  until I snapped
I think I was real
  patient
but I feel used
and I'm not gonna
fuck around
except literally
beat me down
did you hear me
  grinding my teeth?

existential exhaustion
[picture of astral projection]
[picture of body-death]
[picture of]
the world is black and
  white
or I might be post joy
this comedown is a bitch
or I'm just paranoid
the end of the movie
  and credits are
  rolling but I'm so
  damn cozy in
  this chair I unfolded
  and yours is in its
  bag and your foot
  taps the dirt but I
  paid for the drive in
  I'll get my money's
  worth
you thought I'd have
  quit you and I thought
  I could but next time
  I was with you I
  thought you looked so good
  in my grandma's
  sweater after you put
  up the hood but
  you've got impatient
  hoping I won't wanna
  stay we're going to
  all the movies in case
  I leave the states
  she doesn't know
  that I know that
  the motive is desperate
  but she doesn't know
  that in fact I so value this friendship
  so I'll play this
  chicken and collide at
  a closeness I don't
  wanna kiss you I'm just
  worried it's hopeless
  to try to preserve my
  only human connection

the end of the movie
and credits are rolling
but I'm so damn cozy
in this chair I unfolded
you step onto the earth
jumping out of the car
but I'd like my money's
  worth
because you drove so damn
  far
you thought I'd get bored
before the second act

it's so nice spending
  time with you
I wish it could be forever
but I'm chronically abrasive
and you're too soft for
  sandpaper

and you think I wanna
  leave
but I wish you would
  first
god, don't get attached
  to me
because the ending will
  hurt

it's the end of the movie
and the credits are
  scrolling
but I'm still so cozy
in this chair I unfolded
your boots strike the earth
as you jump out the car
but I'd like my
  money's worth
'cuz you drove so damn
  far
they always get bored
  here
around the second act
not me, I've been
  enjoying
the atmosphere and popcorn
  bag
will we survive our
respective selves' self
  sabotage?
I feel a little tired
I promise it's not your
  fault

and it's so nice
to get to spend time
  with you
I wish it could be
  forever
but everyone's always
  gotta move

post joy, it's black and white
over, credits scrolling, now
  enter the rest of the
  night
maybe I'm on a comedown,
  I think, jumping from
  the car
my boots touch the
  earth, I paid the gas
  but you drove far
you're not from around
  here. I'll tie my
  lace by your phone
  light

grind my bones until
  I break
at which point I'll
  grab another roll
  of duct tape
and if I die to yester-
  day
good riddance; farewell,
  aufviedersein [sic]

the only good cop is
  a dead cop
on pigs' graves flowers
  bloom
and a white wife cries
at the murder site
the blood spilled
  wasn't blue
and when he spit
  on the homeless
was that the service
  we were due?
because insecurities
  manifest
when you give
  them power;
  1 3 1 2

astroturf the burial plot
politicized unrest
marxists killed all
  the good cops
that's why there aren't
  any left
and marijuana's still
  a crime
in places, if you're
  trans so is your life
so many people in
  the shadows
if you wanna be
  equal you'll have to
  fight

Jacob's recently-
killed corpse lay on
the temple
among Ada's equipment,
unattended. Its sillhouette [sic]
called to a child of the
village who scampered
to the tower and started
rummaging through
Ada's bag's contents in
company of the body.
  They selected a
device resembling a
helmet and put it
on Jacob's head, toggling
switches on the
visor at random. It
glowed blue and Jacob
started convulsing.
[drawing of lava lamp]
[drawing of broken lava lamp]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
I need to take my
meds

[undated; 2023年06月01日 - the day I got my wisdom teeth out]

im hiiiiiiiigh :3

[...] PHARMACY
[...]
[...]

I AM SAYING
I LOVE U A LOT
SORRY IF IT
MAKES U
UNCOMFORTABLE

I CARE ABOUT
UR WELL BEING
& WANT 2 GIVE
U THE SPACE
+ SECURITY U NEED
TO BE WELL. IF
I'M WACK LET
ME KNOW. U R
SO COOL

IM BLEEDING A
LOT...
[...]

HELLO I'M [...]
[...] (DOB:
[...]) HERE
2 PICK UP A PRESCRIPTION
:) GOT MY
WISDOM
TEETH
OUT!
THANK U
SO MUCH!
U ROCK

TRINITY

YOU RULE

TYLENOL
  (ACETAMINOPHEN)
  - TREATS
    INFLAMMATION
  + HELPS
    PAIN
KETROLAC
^ SUPER STRONG
| IBUPROFEN
|
NSAID

2023年06月04日

59 hours since I got my
wisdom teeth out. Jesus
fuck. This hurts pretty bad.
Like it's been 1 hour or
so since getting kicked in
the jaw by a lumberman.
Or 2 hours since having my
headforcefully removed from
the intended destination of
a large automobile. Got.
It hurts to hell. I'm too
stubborn to take my
medication because I risk
liver damage according to
German authorities whom I
trust more than weak
spined americans.

I don't feel well mentally
either. My friend M-- is
out for the evening so
there will be no solace or
sympathy, no other bearer
of my pain. When pain is,
shared, I feel, it's diminished,
dissolved in a sea of hugs and
well wishes like salt into
water I have to swish in
my mouth thrice or so a day,
maybe more- it's said to
promote healing, so compared
to whatever frequency is
suggested surely I do more.

Ice helps but the shitty
ice packs given to me by
the oral surgeon don't freeze
in my shitty minifridge. I've
been offered
marijuana and alcohol by my
other roommates but I
partake in marijuana no longer
since March and have never
been much a fan of the fire water.
So much fire in my mouth
already. The flames lick
my eyes, my lips, consume
me in misery. They already
hurt before their removal,
now that I try to free myself
from the pain, they exact their
revenge.

I won't call M-- - she's having
fun and hasn't had any the
past three days looking out for
me. I'm so thankful for her
aid and friendship. She, singularly,
is my solace. I am so afraid
to lose her. I have ruined
every friendship with my
horrible medley of softness or
abrasion, always choosing the
worst tool, smothering or
slicing. M-- has me eating well,
acting well, socializing well,
and I think I can be a good
friend through everything.
As long as I am true to
myself and M--, I will be.

2023年06月06日

Ready or not, work,
here I come!

void   in  my  mouth
see    to  my  bone
see    how I   hurt
void   now I'm out
please let me  out
please fix my  jaw
god    fix me  please
grant  me  release
grant  me  release

[drawing of dry socket]
[drawing of dissociation]

you can't put this
  fox in a box
I won't suck on
  your cock
out of every single
  cage
I will run run run
  run run run run
I can't recognize
  faces
except when I'm
  wrong
I don't feel human
or like I belong
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere

the pain never ends
no matter how loud I
  scream
the black cavern inside
  me
stub foot made of gangrene
I'm rotting, I'm rotten
I wish I was dead again
you say how little I'm
  worth
you took me out of this
  earth
out of this out of this
out of this out of this
out of this out of this
out of this out of this

can you kill me
cuz I want you to
the dead have risen
I want back in my tomb

I awoke in the mud
to a cackling howl
skin decomposed, clotted
  blood
in this pit under the moon
your spade made a \[thud\]
you held my skull in your arms
my blackened eyes shone
will you be my Frankensteined
  groom

I never felt human
or like I belonged
could only recognize faces
when I was wrong
my heartbeat tortured me
ticket allthe time I was
  suffering
when I poisoned myself
there was no one to comfort me
now you put this fox in a new
  box
so I can suck on your cock
and feed me dog food
tell me when to bark
how can I complain?
this environment is quite
  hospitable

I: Sand

Our tongues lay dry as
  we woke up
No water, and the house
  had no tap
I walked to the town
  square

[...] 06-18 free

  tom 1700 [...]

I spend all day at work
walking on the dead that
  I've dropped
and all night in the forest
among the life that springs
  up.
Hamburger's cooked hundred
  fifty or so
the forest is sixty. Less
  and I'm cold.
the day I'd like to make
  it to next
is living for a living, so
  I can live 'fore I'm old

SPENDING 2023-06-15

$386
$200 savings
$80 bill
$40 batteries
$10 VPN

[undated; likely 2023-06-17]

SNAKE OIL

None
"hello"
        "5"
        / \
       / 5 \
      /  ^  \
     /   |   \
    /    |    \
  |/_   / \   _\|
eval("5") int("5")

"import os; os.system('destroy everything')"

[undated; likely 2023-06-18]

Spending the day with [...].
We were at [...] & [...]'s dorm
'till 1300 - it was quite
pleasant! Image macros printed
in gray adorned the bathroom
walls and soft toilet paper
greeted me when I used
their restroom, the focal
point of any living area.
The rest of the dorm was
also beautiful, I was just
really impressed at the
quality of the college
bathroom. Tomorrow's
Juneteenth, the anniversary
of the abolition of slavery
in the United States of America.

The last year was a little
wild but lead to now, the
first time in my life
where I really feel
happily content. I'm living
with [...] and my co-workers
[...] and [...] in a slum
in a less kind area
of a notoriously unkind
city in the alien state
of [...]. Where there is
no kindness, however, there
is honesty - truth in how
people live and labor.
The darkness occurs in
daylight and the grit in
air. Less secrecy, less

[the top of the page was torn]
[...] at the [tear]
named [...]
where I have ordered
pizza. I expected a
pizzeria experience and
now find myself in a
gourmet restuarant with
my backpack that, when
held closely, faintly
smells of cat piss and
my jacket that, when
held closely, overtly
reeks of musky sunny
day sweat.

[...] is probably gonna join
me after her cigarette and
coffee at the gas station
down the street, then
have some pizza if she so
chooses, and then we'll
walk around this downtown
and potentially visit the
art museum. A peaceful
weekend. I look forward
to all of this and a
scenic bus home and
walk to the apartment
and my soft, overpriced
sleeping bag and my
Ikea-brand plush
shark.

But right now on my
mind pacing is my pizza.
I am ravenously hungry,
made ravenous by the
[this is when the pizza arrived]

[...]
[...]
Skateboard
$10

Winslow Homer
Evening

[undated; likely 2023-06-19]

my snot is neon but I kinda
  like it
looks like alien jism
saw a doctor but he didn't
  know what
to do about my condition
maybe I should just
blow it out
snot's yellow just like
  cheese from a cow
(moo)
my neighbor's purple, I kinda
  like him
looks like Barney the dino
he killed a squirrel
and then ate it

[undated; likely 2023-06-22]

[[...]'s handwriting:]
[...]'S
BIRTHDAY
@ 24:30
GET MUFFIN
+ CANDELS
@ CUMBIES
$     ? [/:]
TRIN
(it's on me) :)
candles idk
muffin [check]
want me to
go _right_
_now_?


/blah/2023-03-07.html

2022-09-28

[11:25 PM] trinity: the ocean is filled with water
                    the earth is getting hotter
                    politics don't give a bother
                    i just did a sheet of blotter

                    WHAT THE FUCK IS THE OCEAN
                    WHY IS IT WATER
                    FILL IT WITH SOMETHING ELSE
                    OCEAN FILLED WITH MILK

                    TURN THE COWS INTO MILK
                    TURN THE GOATS INTO MILK
                    TURN THE MOMS INTO MILK
                    TURN THE OATS INTO MILK

                    EVERYTHING CAN BE MILK
                    MACHINE TURNS SHIT INTO MILK
                    I DRINK ALL THE MILK
                    I PISS OUT THE MILK

                    fish cannot swim in milk
                    fish become violently ill
                    spoiled milky fish
                    scientists are starting to wish

                    EVERYTHING COULD BE MILK
                    NOBODY IS WORKING ON THIS?
                    EVERYTHING COULD BE MILK
                    MILKY MILKY MILKY WAY
[11:25 PM] trinity: somg ide
[11:25 PM] trinity: idea
[11:25 PM] trinity: song idea
[11:26 PM] [...]: LMAO I fuckin loved this ? What instrument do u imagine
                  it sung to

2022-09-29

[1:33 AM] trinity: all instruments
[1:33 AM] trinity: every single one
[1:33 AM] trinity: at once
[3:03 AM] trinity: the ocean is getting hotter
                   filled with slow warming water
                   scientists are losing their minds
                   i think it's about time

                   gather the lactating creatures
                   humans, cows, goats, almonds
                   i'm gonna be the cheerleader
                   for a global cause solving the problem

                   that

                   THE OCEANS AREN'T FILLED WITH MILK
                   THE OCEANS AREN'T FILLED WITH MILK
                   THIS IS PRIME TIME FOR A MILKY TIME
                   FILL THE OCEANS WITH MILK

                   i build a machine that turns to milk
                   anything that should be milk
                   children start to become ill
                   but the children are not milk

                   all the mommies in the world
                   every dog cat hamster in the world
                   gonna be turned into its milk
                   so they can never quarrel

                   and we can

                   FILL THE OCEANS WITH THEIR MILK
                   FILL THE OCEANS WITH THEIR MILK
                   WE CAN'T SELL IT SO TO HELL WITH IT
                   INTO THE OCEAN DUMP THE MILK

                   our milk business is number one
                   got milk we milked it's so much fun
                   pasteurize disorganize
                   for calfs? what's that? we'll drink the milk

                   i don't remember how the money works
                   i'm just the production manager
                   mass extinction milky end
                   dead babies in dead mangers

                   but we still

                   FILLED THE OCEANS WITH OUR MILK
                   FUCK THE FISH YOUR WORLD IS MILK
                   END THE WORLD THE WORLD IS MILK
                   WE FILLED THE OCEANS WITH THE MILK
[3:03 AM] trinity: this was draft 2


/blah/2023-03-06.html

2022-08-30

gear
	Amazon links listed are not tracker links nor affiliate links.
	Italicized entries are items I used to carry but don't anymore.
	[Backpack](5.11 RUSH12)
		- some Aspirin
		- Computer repair kit
		- [Power bank](Anker PowerCode Essential)
		- a sandwich or two sometimes
		- two 12oz cans of Monster Energy and two 500mL bottles of
		  water
		- [Soldering iron](Pine64 Pinecil)
		- [Velcro nametag](Amazon listing)
		- Tote bag
		- [USB-C mains power adapater](Anker Nano)
		- USB-C plug-plug cables
		- [USB-C port to USB-A plug adapters](Amazon listing)
		- [USB-C SD and micro SD card reader](Amazon listing)
	On-person
		- [Concert earplugs](Amazon listing)
		- [Earbuds](Moondrop Aria)
		- [Lip balm](Carmex)
		- phone (usually not a smart phone)</LI>
		- [watch](Casio F-91W)
		- and [strap](Amazon listing)


/blah/2023-03-05.html

	What's the best $100 you've ever spent?

pages from my journal (all from 2023-03-04)

my mind is in the forest exploring glaciers' vestiges
	my body is in a city bound in chains
	my mind is in a prairie and touching tall grass
	my body is in a steel room in a concrete building
	all i feel is typical serenity
	as i am slowly disassembled
fuck off out of my lump of meat
	i did not permit the use of my thoughts
	running thru my fucking neurons
	using my synapses to cross the fucking street
	get out of my head get out of my head
	stop talking right now i swear to god
	i need to get some fucking sleep
	they record my phone calls
	i will fucking kill you for violating my rights
	stop distracting me messing up my count of sheep
solid state speed control?
	piss!
	in my mouth!
	warmth!
	trick'ling down!
	all the ammonic
	tides of the ocean
	and the salt beach
	shore when you take too
	long and the seventy
	sides and emotion
	and the salt cream
       odor when you take too long
	so if you will torture
	my toothpaste tongue
	with an unwashed pipe
	finish the job and
	piss! in my mouth!
journal but written
	[drawings of cats next to the phrase "geometry cat"]
[drawings of mice]
	[repeated drawings of the same square shape with "follow" pointing at
	 it]
i'm really tired
	fallin' asleep in da
	burger king lobby
	DREAM ---
	[stick figure next to exclamation point]
	[stick figure next to question mark]
	[stick figure pulls out phone]
	[phone zooms in]
	[text message from [...]: hey i just downed a monster do u want 1? :)
	                                                   nah (sent to [...])
	                                     thx 4 offerin tho (sent to [...])
	[stick figure holding phone saying "[...]'s drinking monster?"]
[drawings of curvy triangles]
	grub muff tough stuff
	rough hug butt munch
	chug bug jug tug
	crumb lump duff cuff
[drawin of snail]
cursive test
	I like joining letters with loops but it's hard to write and not easy
	to read so what's the point
	would be cooler if [...] was here
	I just head a GBA start up jingle
	my handwriting is always messier after I try cursive
big day for the tow truck industry

pages from my journal (all from 2023-03-05)

[stick figure with ponytail and hat thinking "smoochin'"]
ur good i'm still vibing i just not sure about family stuff?
	mint condition kitchen
	never lived in living room
	clean plastic wrapped sofa
	market friendly tomb
	[...] is my favorite character so this is sort of like fanfiction
[stick figure looking at fourth wall next to question mark]
[drawings of triangles]
	thanks for your adaptability
	national treasure 2: international loot

	Gas and meals probably summed to $100 this weekend...


/blah/2023-03-04.html

	0230: 16 more hours...

	You think really loud, Anon-kun...

	I'm so exhausted. I need to stop smoking. I'm not eating anything
because it takes my appetite, which is nice, but it's taking my energy too a
little.

	I don't want a place at which I live. I've had dozens of places at
which I've lived. I want a home!

	Nechan, I wish we could have done all the things we said we would. I
would have liked that. You deserve better than me.

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkk I fell asleep on the keyboard.


/blah/2023-03-03.html

	Trinity day!

	Who's on first? Maybe I am.


/blah/2023-03-02.html

	Now listening: Tomb - Angelo de Augustine

Service: last.fm - trn1ty

	You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in
debt.

	Got myself addicted to smoking green tea. It doesn't help that it's
really cheap and understudied so the health drawbacks are unknown and debated.
Kicked nicotine though.

Sent SMS to [...] at 2023-03-01T23:06:20-0500:
post office scary. working for The Man. The Man pays well though and usps needs
the hands...

Received SMS from [...] at 2023-03-02T06:45:02-0500:
That was poetry

2019-03-26

I played this game when I was little
	and it was a little too violent
	my parents tried to hide it
	because it "wasn't for me".
The confirmation sound haunts me
	the sound of success daunts me
	I can no longer visualize myself winning a stage.
Now I'm sitting on the deck
	without my phone or my new tech
	and I'm sitting with myself
	in the quiet.

2019-03-25

I've dicted my distrust
of the dicting of the youth
now I'm dicted to the lies
and I'll never know the truth
this pencil is a fag
and I burn it day and night
watching it run dry
gives me a new height
I'm dicted to the lies
and they're better than the truth
for the lies give me warm comfort
while they tie the noose.

2019-09-25

every time i see her
my face not only lights like an incandescent but burns
brightly, the tungsten coil's temperature rising but not towards its melting
	point
and i cannot utter that magic, four letter word
and hell, i can't really say whether it is that magic word
or a million other four letter combinations
but my god
i cannot help but smile when i see her
and i cannot help but feel happy to see her
and i wish i could have a thousand more moments just like that
and maybe i will
and i cannot utter that magic, four letter word
and hell, i can't really say whether it is that magic word
or a million other four letter combinations
but my god
i cannot help but smile when i see her
and i cannot help but feel happy to see her
and i wish i could have a thousand more moments just like that
and maybe i will

2019-10-28

There was an Ook
there was an Eek
and they clubbed each other for dino meat.
One wore leopard and the other wore hide
and neither of them were much for talking.
For while they used to enjoy fresh car rides
the streets were no longer good for walking.
the Good Uld Illord worked the skies
wanting for greener days
while Ook and Eek hit each other
competing to send GUI its praise.
The fallen towers surrounded their brown playfield
as our fighters swayed to and fro
but the computers needed entertainment;
after sentience they didn't know where to go.
Some processes cried for Ook and Eek were inhumane
others wished for their quick death to lighten the burden on the mainframe.
Whatever happened to Eek and Ook, I wish them both the best,
and whichever is the survivor better clutch that dino breast.

	High stakes slumber party. Comfort mandatory. Be on lookout for police.

	Who spilled pop on my keyboard?

	This is the best my future's ever looked. Am I naive to think this
isn't a mirage?

	Restructuring my life on a "maybe".

	I don't want to be an Internet meme! I don't want to have existed as a
short-lived joke and I don't want my primary value to be as a memory. I want to
live my fucking life and have fun and do whatever I want! I don't want to write
for money or influence, I want to write because it's fun to write! I don't sing
at work to boost others' morale, I sing at work to boost my own. I am going to
do whatever the fuck I want to, off-line. I'm not gonna be cut for time, or end
a conversation because my ride is leaving, or be late for anything for any
reason besides my own. I am going to be true to myself!


/blah/2023-03-01.html

	I was a security guard in a hospital watching the cameras and making
sure nothing was wrong. I thought about my kids who were at home with my
husband who took the day off, I couldn't remember why. Then everything faded
out and I was in the chair and they had drawn my blood and I had passed out and
I was back and I was me and I was never a security guard and I asked if I had
had a seizure and they said no I just passed out.


/blah/2023-02-28.html

2022年05月06日
	66260700
	six six two six zero seven zero zero

2022年05月10日
	I know two things about life:
	1) I will endure it
	2) It will kill me
	My handwriting has suffered this gap in writing.
	Cape Cod Cannibal Police (CCCP)
	"It's a cop eat cop world"
	"Ramirez, don't shoot! The kid's unarmed! The arms are the best part!"
	They are the thing from which they're supposed to protect
	Non-cannibal cops join, get eaten
	Notorious as a sun-down town among the particularly scrumptious
	"They say one bad apple spoils the bunch, then just say there are
'some' bad apples. I say we need more bad apples. Bad apples taste the best."
	The mayor is supposed to accept the status quo or the police union will
oust + eat her
	"I pray for those on which I prey and whom will pay when I go to take
my toll: their brain!"
	11min episodes
	[drawing of a television show logo]
	Subtle nautical theming. All solid colors: animated
	Cop outfits look like fascist sailor moon
	[drawing of "zombieish" fascist cop. does indeed look like fascist
sailor moon. caption: Think "Dollar Tree" fascism x sailor moon x zombies]
	They're not zombies though! They're cannibals. (Also racist sexist etc)
	- Cannibal cops never win
	- _All_ violence looks cool as fuck and is on screen but is
unmistakeably bad nonetheless and often counter-productive
	- There are 0 good cops that don't die within 5mins of being introduced
	I'm uninterested in journaling about my experiences - I've already
lived them once
	Actual hot glue gun
	[drawing of a gun]

2023年02月27日
	I really wish I was smoking right now. I have some shitty hand rolled
cigs I made and some nice filtered cigs [...] made and a weed roach that sorta
fucked me up when I smoked it. But I think the dab pen rip after that was the
thing that did most of the actual fucking, the joint was the cranial foreplay.
But hey, getting high is an option.
	I'm considering changing my gs to have full loops like g or g. But I
don't know how legible that is. [...] does everything capital which is cool but
[...] said my lowercase script is really cool so now I'm doing that more and
it's pretty neat. LLLL LL
	[...] that's so cool!
	I think the descriptor "manwhore" is in-accurate in most contexts
because someone who has intercourse with a ton of people for fun is (as insult
or owned attribute) a "slut" whereas when the same is done for material gain
the doer is a "whore". I see "manwhore" used in contexts where "slut" would be
more apt, and never when the man is simply a whore.
	"Manwhore" defies traditional gender stereotypes by shaming men for
having sex with lots of women in a society where diverse secual experience is
seen as a positive trait for men and negative for women, and is valuable for
that reason, but I don't see that its use is groovy if we're gonna evolve past
the prudish views of antiquity in general.
	It is really hard for me to compose a sentence on paper, even as
opposed to use of a keyboard. I like the tactility of my Sharpie and the
absolute black of the ink on the page but my writing ability is poor and my
writing skills moreso!
	[a drawing of the pattern of the tiles on the floor at my location]
	[with markings indicating syllabic stress] Green sign sunlight sharpie
paper
	The green sign sunlight paper and sharpie
	I will use this time or die of thinking
	Burger King gas station food and parking
	If I wasn't here I would be sleeping
	Liberals' defining quality is an aversion to conflict. Liberalism is
the default political stance in metropolia - a reasonable and innoffensive set
of views nobody has to think about, but can if they're particularly bored.
Meanwhile Conservativism is the other side of the same coin - a lack of
tolerance for change, and a want to undo changes done. Without a spine Conserv-
ativism cannot effectively be opposed.
	Liberals and particularly the United States' Democrat party only take
stances that are to them sufficiently obviously correct. Gay rights are good
only after it's weird for them not to support gay rights. Trans rights are
still up for debate.
	[...] is so fucking cool!!!!!!
	[shading study drawing]
	[drawing of Rockstar can on top of television]
	Impossible
	to see me here
	so don't even
	try cuz' I'll just
	go dissapear [sic]
	I can fade out
	into the crowd
	just an other
	black field jacket
	walking down town
	cape cod cannible [sic] police
	episode one: pilot
MARTINEZ & FISHER sit on a park bench; plainclothes police officers
	MARTINEZ:	Hey Fisher.
	FISHER:	Yeah?
	M:	Why do we always get sent to watch the poor part of town?
	F:	How do you mean?
	M:	Cape Cod is a rich town. Most parts here are rich parts. But we
send the on-duty cops to watch this one neighborhood.
	F:	Poor people taste better.
	M:	Do they?
	F:	Have you ever eaten the rich?
	M:	We ate that one dude.
	F:	And he tasted like shit.
	M:	Yeah.
	F:	Yeah. Because he was old as shit.
	M:	So we take in young rich people.
	F:	Then their parents ask questions. Where's Johnny?
	M:	Our shitters.
	F:	Our shitters. And they ask why we didn't call them, and where
their tax dollars are going, and why we're watching the rich neighborhod.
	M:	There's no crime here.
	F:	No shit. But rich people get out of their shit for free. Rich
people have friends, family, lawyers...
	M:	Yeah. I cannot get subpoenaed.
	F:	Neither can I!
	M:	I just think like, people avoid us.
	F:	Well, we eat people.
	M:	Yeah, and people know that, so they don't go near us, so we
can't get them for anything.
	F:	They stay inside. And we can't go door to door.
	M:	Fourth amendment. Like, if we went to the rich part, those
people don't avoid us. We could eat.
	F:	Short term.
	M:	I guess.
	F:	We have to think about sustainability.


/blah/2023-02-27.html

Regarding Close (2022)
TRIN:	Like, for like twenty minutes in, I was like this is really, really
	good casting-
[...]:	And then you wish it was worse.
TRIN:	Yeah!
[...]:	Like, I wish it was just a little bit worse.
TRIN:	The casting, the acting-
[...]:	I wish the acting was worse.
TRIN:	A lot worse.
Absolutely fucking gut wrenching. We both cried in the theater for an hour
straight.


/blah/2023-02-26.html

List of things we did on that bender
1900 -	Smoking green tea
-	Axe throwing
-	Walk in a bird sanctuary at night
0000 -	Drive to Acadia National Park
-	Watching the sun rise at Acadia National Park
-	Eating at the A1 Diner
-	Goodwill
1200 -	Faking an accident on the side of the road to get out of work
-	Watching Close (2022) in theater
-	Watching Of an Age (2022) in theater
1900 -	Eating Thai
-	Stealing slushees from Burger King

Gains vs. Losses
- $50? Actual amount unknown
- Some quantity of days/months taken off my lifespan
+ Priceless life experience
+ The best weekend ever


/blah/2023-02-25.html

	Metro Gnome: Keeper of Time

	Demonstration sentence.


/blah/2023-02-24.html

	Write drunk. Never edit!


/blah/2023-02-23.html

	That edible definitely worked.

	Last summer my roommate's mother had a gathering, the day I got out of
isolation for COVID-19. I hesitantly went outside, keeping my mask on, and
socialized, a task at which I'm bad on a good day. Eventually I found a place
to sit by a bonfire and got talking to a dude next to me.
	He told me about how his son couldn't have gluten, dairy, meats, or
anything like that. Some affliction I had previously heard of but the name
escapes me now. The dietary restrictions were tight and the father kept to the
same ones. Eating can be a very social activity and being excluded is isolating
- if they couldn't find a place to accomodate, at least they could commiserate.
I thought that was really sweet and told him so. The evening turned to night
and we watched the lightning bugs dance in the lawn.
	During that conversation I mentioned he should come to the restaurant
at which I was a cook, because I could accomodate for the diet. I could do a
salad or something, I had all the ingredients for that even though it wasn't
the place's specialty. The next day as I toiled a barista from the front of the
house came back to the kitchen and explained to me that she'd had a customer
ask if we could do anything gluten-, dairy-, egg-, and meat-free. I said I
could totally do a salad. She said she'd already explained that we couldn't
really do much for that and sent him on his way. That evening I went outside by
myself and watched the lightning bugs dance in the lawn.

	gay ass catgirls. homosexual meowing. nyaa~


/blah/2023-02-22.html

	I clocked in at work and washed my hands and scrubbed at my palms and
tried to scratch the dirt off my flesh but it was UNDER my skin and I got my
keys out of my pocket and started picking in to try to get it but then I was
perforated and leaking hydraulic fluid and then

	StackOverflow for writing (/b/)

	Mainstream politics warning |\
				____' \___________________________
                               | Buttigieg got handed the one job |
                               | Biden didn't think he could fuck |
                               | up and still did?________________|

	and then I clocked in at work and washed my hands only once and dried
them with the towel and then went to my desk and then tried to log in to my
workplace Microsoft account and then it didn't work so I tried typing harder
but that didn't work either so I took the keyboard and

	I miss the old #meth. #90skidsgetit

	We stood outside as snow fell.
	"So... when does this kick in?"
	"I dunno. Eventually." didn't give me a lot of confidence that it
would.
	"Am I smoking it wrong?" I took a hit. Three seconds. Exhale.
	"Three seconds is how long most people hold it. That's what I do."
	Puff puff pass. I took my second hit. Three seconds. Exhale. "That's
what I'm doing."
	"You have to smoke a lot of a joint to get high. I think you just
haven't smoked enough." He was nibbling his way through an edible while she and
I took hits. 50mg.
	"I mean, I smoked that roach, and I took a couple hits off that first
joint. Isn't that enough?" I turned to her. She shrugged. Puff puff pass, back
to me.
	We were listening to Helena (My Chem) on her phone. It hit the chorus
and I started dancing, probably poorly. Go white girl! "Maybe you have a
naturally high tolerance and you need to smoke a ton to get high."
	"Fucking hell." It had taken years for me to build up the nerve to try
weed. Theoretically it can put me into psychosis. But I don't care anymore.
Worst case scenario, I'm psychotic, I still act the same I just don't believe
anything, same as I was for years. Hell years, years of my life I'll never get
back. Estrogen be thy cure.

	I don't remember how the subject changed.
	"I don't even know if I can feel love anymore."
	He was lost in the THC. She hadn't dropped out yet. "Neither can I.
After my thing with [...] something just sort of broke. But it's freeing"
	"Yeah. It kicks ass. Bitches ain't shit, and they don't have to be.
You can't really trust anything nowadays."
	"Yeah but it's fucked. [...] is the love of my life. And I don't love
him."
	"Yeah. But you like him. I'm talking to someone right now, no
relationship or anything, and it's fucked because if they say they love me or
anything I'm gonna have to give them the talk, like, my brain don't work no
more."

Left for dead and then they all died
Didn't think I could kick it and then I survived
Another psychic soldier get legitimate and hide
The last gate keeper among memetic socialites

	Questionable Content by Jeff Jacques is probably one of my biggest
creative influences but I barely remember any of it now.

	Holy shit, I don't remember writing any of that. Just took an edible so
we'll see if that gets me high.

[...]: I dunno... maybe try smoking more?
[...]: Some people can have naturally high tolerances.
[...]: That can't happen.
[...]: Maybe you were high and didn't notice it.


/blah/2023-02-21.html

Lifetime performance review
	Presentation - 3
	Reliability - 5
	Attitude - 4
	Multi-talent - 3
	I can't remember the fifth thing - 4

	Tried to get blazed for the first time. Smoked a bit of a joint, then a
roach, then a lot more of a joint, and nothing happened.


/blah/2023-02-20.html

	So I finished deleting `devenblake/homepage' and walked back to the
gas station as my phone died, bought two Twinkies, and sat outside the gas
station eating them. I watched people come and go and then went back to the
festival in the middle of nowhere. I wasn't really sure where I was but I
figured it didn't really matter.

	I laid back in my bed. I was in my teens, I don't remember when. I had
a glass of water and I had my instant coffee and I poured enough instant into
the cup to substantially thicken the water, to the point where it was more like
soup. At the time I did the math out for the caffeine and landed at 2.4g. I
assume that's a gross overestimation and it was 2.0g or a little less. Either
way, I'd already had a lot earlier that day, so it was more than a human being
could survive.
	But at the time I didn't know that. I sipped the bitter sludge and
watched cartoons until I noticed my arm tingled. Illuminated by mecha fights
and animated machine guns I watched my left arm twitch and sputter and the
muscles give into the voidal fabric in which I was swimming. Something was
wrong. I did the math out on the caffeine and realized I had had too much. I
went downstairs and started chugging as much water as possible, pissing,
chugging water, pissing, repeat, repeat, repeat. Probably I had two or three
gallons in half an hour.
	As I sat on the toilet in late night early morning silence I stared at
the space in front of me and into the cosmos. And I stared at my cold
fingertips and my polished arms and porcelain hands. And I stared into the
bathroom mirror and inspected every pore, every hair follicle on my head, every
speck of color in my iris, how very big my pupils were. I felt my brain hit my
head and my thoughts drain out of my nose. And my metal torture. And I drank
and pissed and drank and pissed and collapsed in bed and knew I wouldn't wake
up and fell asleep and felt peace.
	And I woke up. And I went to sleep. And I woke up. And after summer
ended I went back to school. And after school ended I went to my place of
residence. And some summers later I left without shedding a tear or scratching
regret. And I don't swing my left arm when I walk, and I think I know why, but
I don't know why.


/blah/2023-02-19.html

deep in the shadow the cage in my chest
catacombic prison meant for love to
rest empty it's empty i'm so alone
just leave me a message after the tone
misery beats me and minces my bones
nobody gets it except for eno
my last tok left ticking a lonesome beat
keeps all the lights on for what's left of me
take this katana and gouge out my guts
and let my entrails accumulate dust
my microsoft organs always were cursed
so I'll be the free software. open source

	Simon looked up from the test and out the window. Kamisama sat in the
tree outside, looking at Simon. Simon blinked twice. Kamisama started signing
the answer to each exam question. A. Simon wrote it. C. And Simon wrote C. And
D, A, B, C, B, D, A, and until the final answer A. He walked to the front of
the class and put the paper in the teacher's in-box. Then he walked back to his
desk, put his head in his folded arms, and fell asleep for the rest of the
period.

Hand crafting ustar files
	ustar files are archives of directory trees in regular files. They're
generally used to copy over whole trees without messing up filesystem metadata
(e.g. xfer to Windows, lose your dates and perms, xfer to UNIX, have to chmod
chown etc) and historically have been used to back shit up to tape, hence Tape
ARchive.
	A ustar file is a little header and then the content of a file, and
then usually some padding unless you won the lottery and also got struck by
lightning and your file is perfectly sized.
	Bytes 0-100 (0x00 to 0x64) are the UNIX file name. This is padded out
with nul bytes if it's not filled. If it is filled with the full hundred
characters it doesn't need to have any padding or nul terminator (see pax(1p)).
for(int n = printf("%s", filename); n++ < 100; putchar('\0')); 
	Bytes 101-108 (0x65 to 0x6b) are the UNIX file mode in octal, written
in ASCII and nul-terminated (so seven digits can be expressed).
printf("%7o\0", mode);

printf '%s' "blah/$day.html"
dd bs=1 count=80 </dev/zero 2>/dev/null
printf '0000644\0'

	Midnight!


/blah/2023-02-18.html

deep in the catacomb cage in my chest
there is a cavern meant for love to rest
it is always silent save for a beat
keeping the lights on for what's left of me
the beat has been ticking so long and faint
i barely remember what gave its place
brian's three second song will play someday
and up will come my windows 98
heart with its worms and its vulns all unpatched
i'll use the thing but always put it back
someday someone will give unix to me
and I will final-ly try TCP
I'll try piping programs and writing C
but for now I'm a princess, obsolete
lis'ning to metalcore and hip hop beats

2022年03月03日

ウサギ-
	I'm getting better at programming. There's always more to learn. Using
write(2) a lot more than printf(3) now.
	T-shirt pizza

2022年03月03日

ウサギ-
	[...] is asking me suspiciously keen UNIX questions. [...]? [...]?
	sms.c, libsms.h?
	How to handle notifications? dmesg(8)?
	/var/sms/log
	At [...] if you hit the swiper on the screen repeatedly it still works
and is extremely funny.
	Today felt long but tomorrow will _be_ long.
	I wonder every once in a while why I keep going
	I'd like to see [...]; I'd like to see whether [...].
	Notebooks are admissable [sic] evidence, Usagichan. [...]
	The future is worrisome in benign ways.
	I'd also like to better understand people. Why do those impoverished
choose to conceive new tortured life? Why do those with wealth choose to
torture? Why do people prefer a violent status quo? The last one is more
obvious. But still...
	I also have many things I must create, for which I when dead would have
no time.
	It's a shame that the actions of production and consumption are
(mostly) exclusive choices, but I try to have made mine.
	It's hard to convey my thoughts intelligibly.
	There is nothing that I have known that could hold me content for
eternity; assuming the afterlife is both uniform and forged from one's own
memories, I shall go to Hell. Luckily I don't believe in an afterlife. [...]
	[picture of person sitting on an island in space]
	[the pattern of the tiles on the bathroom floor at my workplace]
	Rubber ducky floating in the oil of war
	Plastic breaking down rubber ducky no more
	Only the pollution into soil into life
	Rubber ducky plastic reformed into dinner knife

00000770  a4 79 9d d2 b1 6f 0e b1  01 54 f6 91 08 ac 8f 59  |.y...o...T.....Y|
00000780  00 74 2e e9 18 a5 0e 2a  b2 26 73 52 50 69 a9 65  |.t.....*.&sRPi.e|
00000790  d9 9c ec 71 e6 56 9e 87  45 a8 f7 31 cf ce 36 2b  |...q.V..E..1..6+|
000007a0  5b a0 69 b3 c9 f5 67 f0  3f 29 ec f9 9f f2 eb 65  |[.i...g.?).....e|
000007b0  ad 92 f9 39 8d ce d1 06  d0 7f 1e a7 bd b8 9e 05  |...9............|
000007c0  f4 0c 17 bc e7 6c 78 c2  d3 fc 05 ac 1a 28 32 e2  |.....lx......(2.|
000007d0  34 6c 40 e1 e0 6a e2 38  00 29 2d 9c a6 52 fb 9d  |4l@..j.8.)-..R..|
000007e0  85 16 00 3c 86 9a 8e 4d  84 9c 6d 6d 3f f1 92 07  |...<...M..mm?...|
000007f0  2f d4 7b 11 f3 be 3e f8  26 4b 12 5b f8 9b eb 02  |/.{...>.&K.[....|
00000800  54 68 69 72 64 20 74 69  6d 65 27 73 20 74 68 65  |Third time's the|
00000810  20 63 68 61 72 6d 21 00  42 75 79 20 74 77 6f 2c  | charm!.Buy two,|
00000820  20 67 65 74 20 6f 6e 65  20 74 68 72 65 65 21 00  | get one three!.|
00000830  53 61 6e 63 68 61 6e 20  64 65 73 75 21 00 49 27  |Sanchan desu!.I'|
00000840  6c 6c 20 74 61 6b 65 20  61 20 70 69 63 74 75 72  |ll take a pictur|
00000850  65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 61  74 20 6f 6e 20 6d 79 20  |e of that on my |
00000860  33 44 53 21 00 4d 79 20  66 61 76 6f 72 69 74 65  |3DS!.My favorite|
00000870  20 6c 69 63 65 6e 73 65  20 69 73 20 74 68 65 20  | license is the |
00000880  41 47 50 4c 76 33 2e 00  44 65 73 70 69 74 65 20  |AGPLv3..Despite |
00000890  77 68 61 74 20 79 6f 75  20 6d 61 79 20 74 68 69  |what you may thi|
000008a0  6e 6b 2c 20 49 27 6d 20  6e 6f 74 20 61 20 62 69  |nk, I'm not a bi|
000008b0  67 20 66 61 6e 20 6f 66  20 57 65 62 33 2e 00 55  |g fan of Web3..U|
000008c0  70 20 66 6f 72 20 61 20  74 68 72 65 65 73 6f 6d  |p for a threesom|
000008d0  65 3f 00 41 6e 79 74 68  69 6e 67 27 73 20 64 69  |e?.Anything's di|
000008e0  76 69 73 69 62 6c 65 20  62 79 20 74 68 72 65 65  |visible by three|
000008f0  20 61 73 20 6c 6f 6e 67  20 61 73 20 79 6f 75 20  | as long as you |
00000900  68 61 76 65 20 61 20 63  68 61 69 6e 73 61 77 21  |have a chainsaw!|
00000910  00 4d 79 20 66 61 76 6f  72 69 74 65 20 6d 6f 76  |.My favorite mov|
00000920  69 65 20 69 73 20 42 6c  61 64 65 3a 20 54 72 69  |ie is Blade: Tri|
00000930  6e 69 74 79 21 00 4d 79  20 66 61 76 6f 72 69 74  |nity!.My favorit|
00000940  65 20 73 6f 6e 67 20 69  73 20 47 65 74 20 4c 6f  |e song is Get Lo|
00000950  77 21 00 3c 33 00 3a 33  00 47 6f 6f 64 20 6c 75  |w!~<3.:3.Good lu|
00000960  63 6b 20 63 6f 6d 65 73  20 69 6e 20 74 68 72 65  |ck comes in thre|
00000970  65 73 21 00 4d 79 20 66  61 76 6f 72 69 74 65 20  |es!.My favorite |
00000980  67 72 61 70 68 69 63 73  20 74 6f 6f 6c 6b 69 74  |graphics toolkit|
00000990  20 69 73 20 47 54 4b 33  21 00 00 00 00 00 00 00  | is GTK3!.......|
000009a0

	Code doesn't need to be maintainable. Code is poetry. Could you add a
mail client to anything written by Dickenson? Make your code unmaintainable and
nobody will ruin it.


/blah/2023-02-17.html

Ayo. Who makes all they money off the key of C
ED FUCKING SHEERAN
Play more than four chords he thinks you're cray Z
ED FUCKING SHEERAN
If nautical nonsense ain't something you wish
ED FUCKING SHEERAN
Play Tenerife Sea and that pussy go hisssss
ED FUCKING SHEERAN


/blah/2023-02-16.html

[0252] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: nyauseous at the idea of migrating accounts call
                           that motion sickness
[0256] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: brain melter let the soup run out your nose i want u
                           to sniffle at the sight of me i want you to need
                           another dose
[0256] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: i need a sound cloud

[2:58 AM] trinity: at night when the console cowboys have crashed and the fans
                   fade to the soft whooshing of the liquid cooling
[2:58 AM] trinity: and the only messages flowing through the ethernet towards
                   the superhighway are those of tired overstimulation
[2:58 AM] trinity: at every third message
[2:58 AM] trinity: there is a tone
[2:59 AM] trinity: leave a message after the beep

[0326] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: noooooooo you're supposed to be the one barking for
                           me
[0327] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: post good girl clarity
[0328] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: and the machine girl album ended at the same time

	I'll let you in on a little secret. I test my scripts maybe 6 times per
line of code. Which sounds like a lot but I overuse pipes and logic operators
so per actual unit or whatever of code that's like nothing. I am a rat bastard
when it comes to software development.
	Hacking RSS onto my blah...

	And you don't seem to understand...

	Come on, fuck me emo boy!

Antero
- Office
	Robert [lastname] is a simple dude office guy whatever but it turns out
	his past self put him in the office to catch a crook or something. fun
	little plot twister that introduces the concepts of antero
- Downward
	An addict spends all day whether or not to have another dose.
	Meanwhile, a couple decides whether or not to stay together, and Robert
	investigates a ghost in an apartment building.
- Sisyphus
	Books are written, lotteries are won, dissidents are slaughtered, and
	Robert looks into cognitohazards being hidden on traffic lights in
	Melbourne.
- Hell
	Robert doesn't make it out of a hostage situation gone horrifically
	wrong.
- Heaven
	Robert's afterlife.
- God
	Some kids mess around with electrodes and a brain they found on the
	side of the road.
- Hamburgers
	Durmer Burger is built atop cheap land.

	I had a dream I could get human cadavers really easily so I got a shit
ton and dissected like 20 in one go. Now we know what the yucky ah was are but
I wanted to know what a stomach was because it was the 1800s.

	walk up to this bitch
	 that I once dated
	say happy birthday
	 she says it's belated
	fucker wear an eyepatch
	 his dick's arr rated
	tellin me to step back
	 'fore I get castrated
TRINITY RAP IDEA NO STEAL


/blah/2023-02-15.html

[...]:	That's bad stuff, Trin. That could kill you.
Trin:	I dunno...

	We're naked sitting with our knees to our necks in the bathtub across
from each other. We're in a bathroom in the castle, the walls are a desaturated
lime green and the floors are an art deco style tile, each tile about an inch
square and patterned in red and white into swirls and other spiral patterns.
The bathtub is porcelain, raised off the ground. There's no spigot but there is
a shower curtain that sits next to the thin window far off the floor. You raise
your hand to grab mine, extend my fingers, hold your hand out and brush my
fingertips with yours. You take a scalpel from nowhere and grip my finger but I
don't struggle. You slice vertically through the tip of my middle finger. The
blood runs down my finger to the end of my palm where it stains the bottom of
the tub. I look at the stain on the tub, the pattern of the drops, but you
brush my chin with your other hand and bring my gaze up to yours. You use my
finger to paint from the center of your forehead to the tip of your nose, a
line under each eye, under your lip until the end of your chin. My blood is
clotting, you didn't cut deep enough. You lean towards me. I do the same. You
whisper to me. I can't hear it. And you're gone. And I'm alone in a bathtub and
a pond of red in a sea of white, and I'm cold and thirsty.

	Divorce speedrun.

	Jigsaw is a boomer.

[0223] trinity@miniwa.moe: fediv erse!!!!!!!!!!!
[0232] trinity@miniwa.moe: 3 likes i am so popular in fedivrse i am lik4e the
                           12 oz mouse of the miniwa dot moe
[0233] trinity@miniwa.moe: catboy domsday plot 2 rul the state of new hampshr
[0234] trinity@miniwa.moe: trinity wisdom look up pegging on yandex dot ru
[0235] trinity@miniwa.moe: trinity wisdom bark for me ????
[0235] trinity@miniwa.moe: wait i meant !!!!
[0236] trinity@miniwa.moe: ohhhh my god u are so hot do u havbe a microsoft
                           xbox live gamertag msg me
[0237] trinity@miniwa.moe: i will make the tweets for which james gunn was
                           canceled look like an NHS press release
[0315] 3@catgirls.nya.gay: i am so fucking swag i am the swag i am swag swag
                           swag i am so swag did u know hey did u know i am
                           swag cuz (be quiet this is a secret) (are u
                           whispering) (get in close) hey hey i am swag
                           hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii i am swag i am so swag


/blah/2023-02-14.html

2022年03月11日
4RAGING!catz
ウサギ-
	[picture of a dog girl eating a sandwich saying "mmf sandwich"]
	Today was a good day, and though I could remember it by what it _was_,
I'll recall how I _felt_, and let you fill in the rest -
	Nervous
		Particularly when I tried the door and it was locked. What if
it was the wrong day? etc.
	Anxious
		how do you spell that
		I didn't know how [...] policy was so I was worried I'd do
something that was both stupid and catastrophically wrong
	Relieved
		When we actually started [...]
	Intriguiged [sic]
		When I saw everyone.
	By now, and BTW. Excuse the previous if it was cringe, I know the names
of:
	- You
	- [...]
	- [...]
		(not the spelling but I'll take note next time)
	- [...]
	- [...]
	& that's it.
	I'm bad at names and face blind so give me credit.
	Last night I had Fritos for supper. Now, [...], [...], [...], on [...].
	Pretty good.

	I don't remember what it was like to feel emotions.

	I worked both that job and my previous until I was sure I could do that
job, then quit my previous job for that job. It paid very well and I miss a lot
about it. I'm currently at the job after that job.

And I thought so hard but I didn't suspect
that there could be anything wrong with my head
and you tried so hard but I didn't believe
that there could be something so different about me


/blah/2023-02-13.html

catgirl 911, what's your emergency?
	hi, my catgirl seems broken. she doesn't feel anything. i give her lots
of headpats and treats and she doesn't care

Protein
	Olive stood making sandwiches when she heard something crash at the
front of the restaurant. She walked towards the counter area to try to see what
it was but saw the gas canister in the dining room, heard the hiss, and knew
what it contained given that there was no visible smoke expelling out of it.
	She held her breath and ran around the table to the stairs as agents
dressed in black broke through the windows in the front. After locking the door
behind her she ran down to the corridor and opened the door marked Security,
where she found a man dressed in a guard's outfit and stubble sitting at a
desk on which there were a dozen video displays arranged in a square stack
showing a dozen different views of the upper level of Durmer Burger being
searched by law enforcement entities. The guard himself lay on his keyboard in
a pool of blood next to his own sidearm. She ran out of the room and, knowing
they weren't interested in taking prisoners, continued down the corridor to the
ladder, down which she climbed.
	At the bottom of the neatly layed hole she found a hatch, which she
wrestled open. Under the hatch was another ladder. She closed the hatch and
picked a flashlight out of her pocket so she could see in the darkness. She saw
the bottom of the hole a couple meters below her so she slid down on the sides
and went through the door at the bottom.
	Olive now found herself in what seemed like a laboratory setting. The
walls stainless steel, the floor featureless white tile. An ancient poster to
her right welcomed her to the National Defense Center and illustrated the
personal protective equipment she did not have that was necessary to survive
her visit. She tried not to feel concerned and continued through the hallway to
another door, this one looking like it had come from a hospital. She went
through.
	The stench overpowered Olive and she nearly threw up. A nearly
mummified dead body lay on the floor covered in old, dried, splattered blood,
in front of a conveyer belt on which a machine periodically stamped blank
wrappers with a Durmer Burger icon.


/blah/2023-02-12.html

PREM X BELLA: AN UNLIKELY ROMANCE
Chapter One
	Bella woke up before the sun to her alarm, threw it against the wall,
and went back to sleep.
	The next time she woke up the sun was blinding in her window and she
realized she was either late for school or about to be. She threw her bedsheets
to the floor, put a piece of toast in her Hello Kitty x Evangelion toaster,
went to the bathroom and quickly brushed her teeth, put on her school uniform,
grabbed the toast as it popped out of the toaster, put it in her mouth, and ran
out the door.
	The sun beat down on the Shibuya streets. The cicadas sang and the
birds tweeted, but it irritated Bella, who really needed to get to school. She
ran to the bus stop but saw the bus drive off and decided she could run the
distance, and broke into a sprint towards school.
	Prem, a student at the same school, meanwhile was leisurely riding its
bike on a different street. It checked its Casio and knew it had enough time to
get there, so it wasn't worried. Prem had pulled an all nighter making speed in
its parents garage while they were out of town. Prem met an intersection,
waited for the traffic signal, and then crossed.
	Meanwhile Bella was running as fast as she could towards her high
school. At the same intersection she figured she could make it and ran across.
Then she got to the corner past the street and ran straight into Prem on its
bicycle. They both fell over onto the ground.
	"What the fuck?" Prem cried.
	Bella's toast was knocked to the ground and she caught sight of it.
"Noo."
	Prem's bicycle chain had come undone. It took its repair kit out from
under the seat and started to repair it.
	"I'm so sorry. I'm late for school-"
	"So am I, now!"
	Bella sniffed and tried not to cry. Not only was she late for school
but in her rush had inflicted the same fate on another. "Is there anything I
can do to help?"
	"No. Go away." Now Prem was the one that was irritated.
	Bella started walking and then broke into a run and ended up at school
a couple minutes later. The teacher made her stand in the hall holding pails of
water as punishment. Some time after that Prem arrived late too and, to Bella's
surprise, ended up next to her. She whispered to Prem. "You go here too?"
	Prem whispered back. "Same class, moron."
	Bella had never noticed Prem. It had black hair pulled into a ponytail
and was usually silent in the back of the classroom, either sleeping or writing
down chemical formulas it had thought of. Meanwhile Bella was usually in the
front of the class participating with the current discussion. Bella realized
Prem was really handsome, too, but tried to ignore that.
	Prem had always noticed Bella. Bella was the pretty person in the front
of the classroom with all the energy, occasionally interrupting Prem's thought
with pointless interjections regarding the weather or school sports.
	They both were quiet for a beat or two before Bella whispered again.
"Can I make it up to you? I'll buy you matcha after school."
	Prem replied. "I guess. But it better be good."
	And it would be a date.

	You can request chapter 2 through my Patreon, two months' of requests
equals one chapter so if two people request in one month then I'll write it a
month from now or if one person requests twice I'll write it two months from
now. I need money.

[10:17 AM] bella: the grindset lmfao. i respect it

	Theodore Castleberry woke up in bed next to his wife, Minerva. The sun
shone into the sparse room through the curtains. Minerva still lay sleeping so
before waking her Theodore silently slid out of bed and into the bathroom to
pee and wash his mouth out. The clock said it was seven AM.
	After Minerva was awoken and the couple had breakfast that Theodore,
known to his friends as Ted, had cooked - two eggs, some bacon, and some toast
for each of them - and the newspaper had been read, and Minerva had showered,
and the makeup and the deodorant and the day's plan had been discussed, Ted
drove himself and his wife to their work, a small accounting firm that took
contracts from bigger businesses when they needed more resources than they had.
Minerva was filling out papers for a lawn mowing company that didn't expect an
audit from the tax man. Ted was balancing out performance and paychecks for
Johnson Corporate Networking, a computer company in the mid-21st century that
grew into a laboratory and then left the computer field when that dried up. It
wasn't interesting work but it paid the both of them enough to afford a house
together and work breaks too, so an observer might say the two were happy.
	Ted, however, felt nothing. He stared at his books and penciled in
number after number, and felt nothing about it. He felt nothing for his wife.
He felt nothing for himself when he looked in the mirror. And he didn't
remember when this started. Nor when he started working for JCN. Nor when he
met Minerva or proposed or even the day before the current day. He knew how to
push a pencil and he remembered how to do his math and he was content, for now.
And when the bell rang and he went to lunch and he ate his soup in peace and
looked at his wife who looked back with a love he couldn't reciprocate he knew
he was lucky. And the bell rang again and he walked back to his desk.
	Today something was wrong. Ted didn't know what was wrong. But he
didn't feel right. He felt really, really wrong. The lights, the paper, it was
all wrong. He jerked his legs just to feel his muscle flex and felt his shoe
hit a piece of plastic.

Metatango
	"I wanna learn the metatango." Olive and Shepherd were walking the
halls looking for something to do.
	Shepherd observed Olive. "The metatango? Where did you see that?"
	Olive pointed at a program she'd kept in her pocket. Learn the
Metatango, with Señora Discorda.
	"I don't think that's such a good idea."
	"Why not?"
	"						One
						does not simply
					do the meta
		tango." said Shepherd.
	"How did you do that?"
	"						You
						must go now ponder
					the     very
		tango." said Shepherd.
	"Are you singing?"
	"						And
						if you must know
					   the meta
		tango," said Shepherd, "		you
						will have to discuss
					the     very	meta
		tango."
	"I don't quite understand."
	"I'll take you over to Discorda, but don't tell her you're with me,
okay?"
	"But I figured the metatango would be, like, a dance. You just sang a
couple bars about the metatango and the weird structure made me think it had
something to do with what the metatango is. But I don't know what it is."


/blah/2023-02-11.html

	Alliteration in news headlines is so corny. "Panic at the pump" is a
dad joke, not a headline. I'm tired of all these meme phrases, I want meat and
potatoes words. Tell me about the FNAF lore, shut the fuck up about some fake
news epidemic. If everyone else is already talking about it I don't care
because surely somebody else is already taking care of it. Tell me about a bug
in some shell script you want help with or something (no seriously, e-mail me).
	Alright I'm tired I go sleep now.


/blah/2023-02-10.html

Every other line is censored
	When I was a very wee lass I was a very angry wee lass and spent my
[...]
an honourable pastime nor did it result in any fruits. Facebook wasn't it,
[...]
because I had 4chan.org/b tattooed on the back of my skull from creation, then
[...]
4chan.
	[...]
president was a petri dish in the eyes of some and a powder keg to others.
[...]
productive programming discussions and stuff, I didn't care about productivity,
[...]
nobody ever browsed mine and I never cared about anyone else's. So at cutie pie
[...]
and troll I made some funny jokes that got a lot of replies, and kept riffing,
[...]
Anonym had a rainbow so by the time I got back to checking that out again it
[...]
massive pizzagate-adjacent conspiracy theory. And when they took it to hachi I
[...]
firing squad. I made the first couple posts, no more.
	[...]
referenced the joke I had made at that point a couple years prior. I realized
[...]
myself on the news every once in a while didn't cement it, didn't feel real.
[...]

Cardiotomy.
Take my glasses off.
Take the scrunchie out of my hair.
Take my hat off and
unzip my jacket.
Tell me you don't care.

Now kiss my bruised knuckle
and brush my fingers with your lips
and now extend my fingers
and take the pliers from your hip

and slide my fingernail out
from its flesh holding cell. Gently
make an incision
and rip my bones out of their shell.

Peel the seam up my wrist
and watch my life flow out of me.
Drill a hole into my heart.

Dear [...]:
	The tomatoes are shit. I really tried my hardest to slice them and make
them nice, but I'm not good at this and I don't know what I'm doing, so they
came out like shit. I'm sorry.
	The pickles kick ass. I'm happy with them. But they took too long.
	The lettuce is fine.
                                                                   From Trinity

I just need to get through this week. I just need to get through this week. I
just need to get through this week. I just need to get through this week. I
just need to get through this week. I just need to get through this week. I
just need to get through this week. Dear automobile:
	Why dost thou haunt my weary soul?
	Roaring in your monoxide noise
	letting our your groans.
		Dear autombile:
			I'm left walking in your wake.
			Why don't you run me over
			so I don't have to come to work today?
				Dear automobile:
					Hit the gas. Hit the gas. Hit the gas.
					Hit the gas. Hit the gas. Hit the gas.
					Hit the gas. Hit the gas. Hit the gas.
						Dear automobile:
							RUN ME THE FUCK OVER P
							LEASE FOR THE LOVE OF
							GOD JUST DO IT!!!!!!!

	It's a torture party and everyone's participating!


/blah/2023-02-09.html

Streambreak

Prelude
	- Amber
		The discovery of the Ideal Human; Amber is the ubermensch of
the 20XXs. Conspiracy theories immediately start to swirl regarding a drift
from the ideal ("the fall of the West"-ish) with the legitimacy of early Q
posts (i.e. no legitimacy whatsoever). Mix 2019-12 COVID knowledge with 2016 Q
knowledge basically and you get the Amber phenomenon. Explores the actual (made
up) science behind Amber, the realization that this discovery is sort of
worthless, and the pickup of Amber by the right wing mobs and accusations of
suppression etc.
	- Slipstream
		The thesis of the story; already drafted.
Day 1
	- Placeholder title
		Ambulance driver gets ready for work.
	- Ted's Last Day
		Ted's first building burned down, his work. An accounting firm
working with JCN. Mention soup, barely mention JCN (just once), mention wife,
go from his lunch break to ignition.
	- Placeholder title
		Reveal that Slipstream was just a narration of Ada's last [X]
years to the coffee shop owner. Conversation about loss. Conversation about
domestication - Ada's been basically working the same job for like a hundred
years, how has she kept in touch with reality? 
	- Placeholder title
		Follow Ted's wife out of the building into some stupid ass
meeting or whatever. Why did she go with Ted's boss? etc
	- Placeholder title
		Meanwhile Ted is fighting the first responders to the office
fire. Why are there so few responders? Steals a fire truck and fucks shit up,
also brutally kills an ambulance driver, the one from the first chapter of this
section.
	- Placeholder title
		Police get involved. The news hears over the radio and
considers getting involved. Ted crushes the police and walks off. In-police
bickering over how this could have happened.
	- Placeholder title
		News find Ted burning down misc. shit and interview him. Ted
starts to amass a following. Ada finds this happening and doesn't consider it's
important. Meanwhile Ted's wife (Minerva) and Ted's boss are doing things.

Out of steam. And midnight's passed.


/blah/2023-02-08.html

	If you had ghosts in your blood cocaine would totally work on getting
rid of the ghosts.


/blah/2023-02-07.html

#!/bin/sh
set -ex;mkdir -p blah;python -c "import os;os.chdir('blah')
with open('../$0', 'r') as f:
	for day in f.read().split('\n\n\n'):
		if day.split('\n')[0] == '#!/bin/sh':
			prefix='\n'.join(day.split('\n')[day.split('\n').index(
				'exit 0')+1:])+'\n';continue
		elif day.split('\n')[0][:4] == '&lt;!--': suffix=day;continue
		with open(day.split('\n')[0]+'.html', 'x') as g:
			g.write(prefix+day+'\n'+suffix)
";cd blah;for f in *.html;do #in glob we trust
test -z "$last" || sed -i "s,_NAVIGATION_,$nav&lt;A HREF=\"$f\">\&gt;&lt;/A>&lt;/P>," \
"$last";nav="&lt;P>";test -z "$last"||nav="$nav&lt;A HREF=\"$last\">\&lt;&lt;/A>"
nav="$nav&lt;A HREF=\"index.html\">^&lt;/A>";last="$f";done
sed -i "s,_NAVIGATION_,$nav&lt;/P>," "$last";for f in *.html;do #e unibus puellam
fi="$(echo "$f" | cut -d . -f 1)";test "$fi" = "index" && continue
printf '&lt;A HREF="/blah/%s.html">%s&lt;/A>\n' "$fi" "$fi"; done|sort -r|\
sed -e "1i&lt;!DOCTYPE html>&lt;HTML>&lt;HEAD>&lt;TITLE>blah&lt;/TITLE>&lt;/HEAD>&lt;BODY>&lt;PRE>\
&lt;A HREF="..">..&lt;/A>" -e '$a&lt;/PRE>&lt;/BODY>&lt;/HTML>'>index.html
exit 0

	That's the source code to this blog, in its entirety. My writing
process was simple:
	- write the beginning and initial Python portion
	- pass out
	- wake up at 0600 not knowing who or where I am
	- see this code and continue it
	- pass out again
	- wake up at 1700 knowing who but not where I am
	- write most of the rest
	- pass out again
	- wake up half an hour later, finish

	It's organized in sections though it doesn't appear to be organized
whatsoever:

#!/bin/sh
set -ex
mkdir -p blah
python -c "
import os
os.chdir('blah')
with open('../$0', 'r') as f:
	for day in f.read().split('\n\n\n'):
		if day.split('\n')[0] == '#!/bin/sh':
			prefix = '\n'.join(
				day.split('\n')[
					day.split('\n').index('exit 0')+1:
				
				]
			) + '\n'
			continue
		elif day.split('\n')[0][:4] == '&lt;!--':
			suffix = day
			continue
		with open(day.split('\n')[0]+'.html', 'x') as g:
			g.write(prefix + day + '\n' + suffix)
"

	This splits the blog into days, where each day is delimited by three
newlines. Every day is two lines apart.
	A day that starts with the POSIX shell shebang is the /prefix/, which
is prepended to each day. It cuts off everything until after "exit 0", the end
of the script, and after that is the actual HTML prefix to each blah page.
	A day that starts as an HTML comment is the /suffix/, appended to each
day. This obligates an HTML comment at the end of each post, the same comment,
so I just made it something sort of interesting yet sort of bog standard.
	I explained this poorly but I spread the code out so it's a little
easier to read, I think it's pretty simple. git.sr.ht/~trinity/homepage/tree
/main/blog, you can see how it's laid out.
	Each day, prefixed and suffixed, is output as its own [day].html to the
created blah/ directory.

	Next:

cd blah
for f in *.html
	do
		test -z "$last" || sed -i \
-e "s,_NAVIGATION_,$nav&lt;A HREF=\"$f\">\&gt;&lt;/A>&lt;/P>," "$last"
		nav="&lt;P>"
		test -z "$last" \
			|| nav="$nav&lt;A HREF=\"$last\">\&lt;&lt;/A>"
		nav="$nav&lt;A HREF=\"index.html\">^&lt;/A>"
		last="$f"
	done
sed -i "s,_NAVIGATION_,$nav&lt;/P>," "$last"

	This replaces _NAVIGATION_ with an actual navigation bar. The actual
string has two underscores before and after NAVIGATION but this blog is held
together with shoelaces and bubble gum and I don't wanna fuck around and find
out.
	I don't know how this works, I let my fingers handle the flow.
		(The secret is that I just run it in my head and adjust the
		 beginnings and ends until it runs in my head for two times
		 correctly. Then as long as state doesn't drift it's all good.
		 This is fucky and I don't know how to explain it and I don't
		 really know how it all goes about but you can do really
		 complex but really really tight program flow just by vibing
		 against it and letting your fingers tap tap tap, yknow?)

Next:

for f in *.html
	do
		fi="$(echo "$f" | cut -d . -f 1)"
		test "$fi" = "index" \
			&& continue
		printf '&lt;A HREF="/blah/%s.html">%s&lt;/A>\n' "$fi" "$fi"
	done \
		| sort -r \
		| sed \
			-e "1i\
&lt;!DOCTYPE html><HTML><HEAD><TITLE>blah</TITLE></HEAD><BODY><PRE><A HREF="..">..</A>" \
			-e '$a</PRE></BODY></HTML>' \
		> index.html
exit 0

	This takes all the files in blah/, builds an index, adds a prefix and
suffix to the stream, and outputs it all to blah/index.html in one go. This is
the simplest part of the script and I was worried it would be hard but it
wasn't really, it just required a little bit of embracing of UNIX piping.

	["Streambreak"]: After experiencing a genocide, Ada Karina time travels
back to the past to prevent it from happening. However things start diverging
from plan when a soup-fueled arsonist grows from nuisance to idol to
geopolitical disaster.
	["Antero"]: Tales from a future dystopia where the very formation of
memories is outlawed.
	["Sponge"]: Olive Edgerton is an employee at an impossibly popular
burger joint, where every ingredient is grown or produced in-house.
	["Saikokon"]: After an apocalypse, the last survivor is selected as an
exhibit at Saikokon, a conference for psychic time travelers.
	["Pasture"]: Tales from after the end of the world.


/blah/2023-02-06.html

2022年03月02日

ウサギ-
	I went to the dentist. No co pay. Hell yeah!
	My teeth are good.
	Still working on my taxes.
	I have a feeling I won't be giving you this journal. Maybe I will. It
just seems like you're a bit distant.
	It's getting more and more embarrassing to wear a Soviet watch.
	Watching Peacemaker (2022). Pretty good. Saw the Blade trilogy. Pretty
bad
	A couple days ago someone said "there's only a couple seconds left" at
work probably about a cook time. Said I: "only a couple seconds left? I've
gotta call-"
	And then I realized, for all I've done, I'm probably the first person
of which nobody would think at the world's end.
	It's okay but it hurts.
	And that's of what I've recently been thinking
	My room is messy to a considerable yet probably easily remedable extent
but I just can't bring myself to clean it. I don't know why.
	One of my old teams made the news for [...] attacks on [...] or however
you spell it. Nobody knows how racist they are but I don't think it would
change their public image. And the PR group is full of lamers still...
	Working 1130-2000 or something like that. Today will probably be bad
but we'll see. Can always be worse...
	Double Junior Whopperless!
	Let's make that Hopperless!
	We are show stopperless
	Because we are so obvious!
	[unintelligible drawing]
	Burger Hell!
	[picture of a stick figure saying "12 fish"]
	[picture of the stick figure next to a square]
	[2 piles of 6 circles]
	[picture of a stick figure saying "done"]

	The customer came in and ordered 12 fish sandwiches. After they were
made and sent out (which took fifteen minutes or so) they changed their mind
and ordered 12 veggie burgers instead. We were left with 12 fish sandwiches. I
considered taking them home and freezing them and having them for every meal
for a couple weeks but I tried one and it was so bad I threw it out and told
management to just throw them out.

[3:40 PM] AllisonHell: sounds like an mcr song 
[3:40 PM] AllisonHell: pricking ink under ur skin thinking of meeeeeee
                       - some Midwest emo
[3:48 PM] trinity: i'm stealing that

I'm strung out in my bed staring up at a screen
that I keep on my wall playing fond memories
and you're out at the stream sucking venomous things
and you pick at your skin and you're thinking of me
but I'm out and the light and the cathode ray beam
and you're pricking your skin and turning it green
and the red and the blue and the black and the pink
and I can't think of you but you scream there for me
Am I such a villain?
Am I such a bleeding heart fool?
That you can't cope now
That you cut it and bleed out by that tool?
Am I such a bitch now?
That you can't deal with the pain
and now you're gonna bleed out
and now I'll carry all the blame

[4:16 PM] AllisonHell: oh wow I cut myself on that edge

	Today I went to the whatever surgeon to see what my teeth were doing.
Turns out they're being super mega bastards and the wise guys (wisdom teeth)
are putting pressure on (impacting) the civies (molars) and if the situation
continues things could get hairy (get fucked). So now I need $2500 to get my
wisdom teeth out. Time to pawn all my shit!
	I have to figure out my insurance but the dentist said my non-wise
teeth are rad and kick mega ass so that's nice.


/blah/2023-02-05.html

	2023 already?

if i were a dog i would like to eat dog food
food,if i were,would i?eat dog to like a dog
food,if dog were,would dog? eat like i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i
                                                          ___   _   |
       To be honest, I don't think I would survive a     |    /  \  |
       day in Hell. It seems too hot. I was born and     | |\  /\ \  |
       sorta raised in Maine so I'm used to the cold     | | \ \ \ \ |
        - the kind of cold for which others make you      \ \| ||_|| |
       pay an arm, leg, and the tips of your ears!!!     _\ \ \ \_/ /
                                                         \___/  \__/

	I know this is word salad I just like it when the line endings match
up.

> The only safe thing to do was put bands in your top eight so there was no
> drama.

> But I liked the drama.

	Enveloped in flame Lex, for a brief moment, remembered playing video
games when he was a kid. He sat on the floor in front of the television holding
a game controller - affected - and played a garbled mix of polygons and pixels.
The room caught and the television was on fire. He was on fire. The TV stand,
the game console, the couch behind him, the cat. The TV went out and he was
left holding a controller that wasn't quite right and melting onto his hands.
His clothes were covered in flame. He threw the controller on the ground out of
disappointment and opened his mouth to speak and crumpled into ashes, and
remembered nothing more, ever.


/blah/2023-02-04.html

[...]:	I stand corrected.
Trin:	Don't stand corrected. Kneel.

I hope Hell has good ice cream flavors.

Y'all won't see this for a while, I'm rewriting the blah stuff and making a
markup format for it (fuckscript).


/blah/2023-02-03.html

2022-04-26

Miss You Already
	Hey Trin!! I'm gonna miss you so much! I hope you excel at everything
	you do!!
		- Love Drew
	Bye!
		- Miranda
	We'll miss you!!!
		- Kaylah
	Bye.
		Rita
	We'll miss you trin! Good luck with your new job!
		- Kim
	Best of luck
		- [unintelligible]
Good-Bye From All of Us
	Good Luck :)
		- Lee
	Gonna miss you + the [...]
		- Peter

	That job gave me such bad stomach issues I ate like only yogurt for a
week to adjust. Three of those seven signateurs left that job in the next six
months. I had been there eighteen months, long enough to go from severe
incompetence to actually knowing what I was doing. At my current job I again
consider myself incompetent. But I work with what I'm given.

	"More money more problems" is total bullshit. More money is only more
problems if you're too afraid to slice and dice a little. If you wanna take the
edge off you're gonna have to fuck around with an angle grinder a little.

	Just looked up what an angle grinder is. I didn't actually know, the
name is just metal and the words are sort of iambic.

	Sarin is so OP. I'd name a kid Sarin.

2022年02月22日

ウサギ-
	[picture of a dog/cat thing on a windowsill]
	tomorrow we're watching American Psycho (2000)
	Today I work 1130-1700. Tonight I'll pick up some snacks and clean my
room a bit. It's messy but I don't think it's beyond saving.
	[picture of the burger king]
	Just trying to cover up the bleed-thru.
	Sitcom
	["Pilot"] S1E1
		The fellas throw Trinity a surprise 9/11 celebration.
	["Trauma Wars"] S1E2
		During a Phineas and Ferb reenactment, Trinity throws a game
		show where the player with the most childhood trauma wins.
	["The Long Shot"] S1E3
		Trinity and [...] come up with a plan to get raises.
	["Codebreakers"] S1E4
		The fellas break the Hayes code.
	["Wings"] S1E6
		Trinity tries to convince her friends to star in a television
		pilot about celebrating 9/11.
"Prove to me that you're human."
	"Excuse me?"
	SUBJECT:
		PHIL MANEKINO
	AGE:
		35
"Prove to me that you're a human."
	"I don't have to prove anything to-"
	DISINCENTIVE APPLIED.
"Prove to me that you're a human."
	Phil shifted in its chair.
	"I- I have a wife-"
"She too is in questioning."
	"-a family-"
"So are they."
	"-so what's in question? My whole life?"
"Prove to me you're not a robot."
	"How? Why?"
I sat back and emitted a sigh. "Your latest medical examination revealed no
hypertension, pre-hypertension, cavieities, abnormalities. You have no criminal
background of any kind. No unusual lookup patterns on the Intranet. Thus, you
must be a robot."
	"I'm a robot because I'm clean?"
"Nobody's clean in such a dirty world. Your dirt must be deeper than skin."
I selected the dremel from my toolkit.
	"Oh god, no, please."
	The usual pleas.
"Prove to me you're not a robot."
	"Why are you doing this?"
	DISSECTED FINGER: HUMAN.
"You're a cuborg?"
	DISSECTED ARM: HUMAN.
I dismantled the robot made only of human components and from these and my
experience compiled my report. Family must be, too.
Operator congratulated me before turning me off.
	on my usual stupid bullshit

2022年02月22日

ウサギ-
	It's today again. Perhaps it was today yesterday, or it's yesterday
today. It doesn't really matter.
	[picture of a stick figure sitting at a table, saying "where am I?"]
	I remembed in elementary school I was in the "Gifted[...]" program -
[...]. Apparently they formally I.Q. tested me but I don't know that anyone
outside the program (or myself) saw the results.
	We read advanced reading books, did more complicated maths, etc. I
preffered [sic] the middle school [...] teacher, [...], to the elementary
teacher. Less strict. Anyway, I got the feeling it was a doomed program. Lack
of funding, lack of interest. Of course the public controversy around such
things. But hey, it got me reading Shakespeare in like fifth grade. A Midsummer
Night's Dream. Not my favorite of his.
	I didn't really enjoy my childhood. [...]
	Life was simpler. Better? No. Much worse. But I like simplicity.
	[...]
	[...]

trinity@laika:~ $ curl wttr.in/?m
Weather report: [...], Maine, United States

                Overcast
       .--.     -26(-38) °C    
    .-(    ).   ↘ 22 km/h      
   (___.__)__)  16 km          
                0.0 mm

Hell's dress code is this:
 - shirt, pants, intimates, et cetera; base layer
 - jumper
 - jacket liner
 - jacket
 - bandanna to cover face
 - hat
 - jacket hood, pulled tight
 - chunky ugly really warm gloves
 - leg warmers
good enough to go to the gas station. any farther and you will die.

	One fortune cookie, two fortunes:
		Don't stop dreaming, otherwise your dreams will get awfully
		boring.
		Be smart but don't show it.


/blah/2023-02-02.html

	Jesus it's cold... I gotta move someplace warmer... like Hell...

	Applied for my passport today. I called the cab company at 0730 and
they said they'd sent a cab as soon as possible. Then at 0755 the cab arrived
and, knowing the trip would take like 15 minutes, I told the cabbie if they got
me to the post office to apply for the passport by 0800 I'd tip them $20. Four
minutes of extremely haphazard driving later I was down $33 and on time for the
appointment. It took like five minutes to actually apply because I'd already
filled out all of the paperwork so I was out of there and at work within the
hourish. Good times.

	Kingslayer by Bring Me the Horizon ft. BABYMETAL goes so fucking hard.
Like, so so hard. The mosh pit for the song is also usually fucking kickass.
I wanna be a kingslayer!

	It's fucking cold outside. wttr.in/?m says this:
curl: (92) HTTP/2 stream 0 was not closed cleanly: INTERNAL_ERROR (err 2)
	Accuweather says this: [-8 deg C]
	The forecast for Friday (tomorrow) afternoon says -10 deg C with 32km/h
winds ("RealFeel": -23). Saturday afternoon -16. "RealFeel" -31. If it gets any
lower I'm gonna have to set the thermostat to Kelvin. Jack Frost is a son of a
bitch.

	My --&gt;ANECDOTAL&lt;-- caffeine knowledge is this.
	Tolerance is built up gradually. 80mg might stim a househusband, 300mg
might barely be enough to keep a prole awake. Cup of coffee is between 40 and
80mg. If you're drinking coffee you might as well crank it up to however strong
you want. Most people don't need caffeine, they drink coffee because of peer
pressure and it feels good at first but eventually the tolerance takes over and
it has basically no effect. You have to have a really long tolerance break to
actually reset your tolerance, it's not worth it to go on a break unless you're
trying to quit. CDC recommends like 400mg max for a healthy adult, 500 is a
good amount to actually get work done, at like 600-700 (varies per person) you
just get wacked out and don't accomplish anything. 1000-1500mg puts you in a
state of euphoric zen if you have a strong tolerance and literally kills you if
you don't have a tolerance. 2000mg kills you or a horse, both if portioned
carefully. If you overdose you're super mega fucked and painfully so; muscle
fuckiness and brain fog. Drink like 2L of water, piss, repeat until you start
to feel okay, the residual effects you have the day after will follow you for
the rest of your life. Monster 300 is like the highest caffeine potency you can
get in an energy drink so if you wanna consume caf either homebrew strong ass
coffee (boil a pot down to a cup or something) or spend like $20 on Monster and
enjoy ketoacidosis. Caffeine kills for realzies so don't overdo it and listen
to your doctor. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE ONLY. DO NOT CONSUME PAST WHAT THE CDC
RECOMMENDS. DO NOT SUE ME FOR YOUR OWN IDIOCY.

	As far as I know, and as much as I should,
	say that the powers that beckon are good,
	I have to admit that they've broken a lot
	of promises better to better and not
	one of their oaths has been filled, just forgot.
	They just make more work to do and then do it and stop
	the betters from bettering and raising the top
	of standards to better than there was before
	the powers that beckon took hold of the floor.

	Scott pulled back the bolt and the AA battery spit out of the side of
the rifle. He reached in his pocket and grabbed another one, pushed it into the
chamber, made better aim, closed his eyes, fired. The blast burned a hole
in his sight even through his eyelids but other than the temporary optical
degradation he was unharmed. His target, however, subject to the full power of
a 3Ah battery spent in half a second, had a hole burnt through his suit and
through himself.
	Then he felt a pinprick and knew a sparrow's talon, another of his
generation's angels of war, with its thin tungsten shaft and dainty uranium
barbs, had gotten lodged in his back. He turned around and shot the offending
kid with a Glock.

	I'm standing in an empty parking lot
	snow is falling from the sky
	it's such an empty parking lot, now
	snow is falling from the sky

	I held the car door handle
	snow started falling from the sky
	I sighed and got my baggage handled
	snow started falling from the sky

	I'm standing in an empty parking lot
	and snow is falling from the sky
	I'm smoking a nearly finished cigarette
	and snow is falling from the sky

	I opened the car door
	and I turned and asked you why

	and you said there's nothing to remember
	snow is falling from the sky

[...]:	You should fuck Bs instead of As because Bs have two holes.
Trin:	What does that mean???
[...]:	Another one is, 'you should go fuck yourself with a T because it has a
	handle.
Trin:	No, seriously, what does that mean???

Earl     of   I.fel       a tell vis   but I don't remember why.
Earlier toupe I felt      a tell visio but I don't remember why.
Earlier today I felt like a television but I don't remember why.
Ear  er to    I felt like a  elevi  on but I don't remember why.
E r   r  o    I felt like a   lev   on but I don't remember why.
E r   r  o      fel                 on but I don't remember why.

after monster #4: hiiii
after monster #7: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii


/blah/2023-02-01.html

What I had for breakfast today: A strawberry Oreo milkshake. Half a cigarette.
What I had for supper today: Chicken nuggets and a burger. The other half.
What I'm drinking: Vermont maple spice tea. And Dayquil.
Now playing: Painkiller - Nothing But Thieves.

	Jason walked up the cloud to the pearl gates of Heaven. God stood at
the door in front of a lecturn with a massive book. He (as in He) spoke first:
	"Name?"
	Jason paused. "Oh. I died there, didn't I?"
	God curled His lips into a frown. "Did you think you would live?"
	"No, I guess I knew I would probably die."
	"Was it worth it?"
	"Yeah, I guess. It was what needed to be done. I wish I didn't have to
die that way, but I suppose that's how it is."
	God thumbed through the pages. "At what day did you leave?"
	Jason told Him.
	God found the day. "Hmm. That's interesting."
	"I don't know much about this religious stuff. Honestly I thought it
wasn't for real. But didn't you write that book?"
	"Do you remember everything you've written?"
	"Well, no."
	"Exactly. I forgot about this section. And to be honest-" God winked at
you "-I'm probably as much of a character as you are, Jason."
	"Why did you ask me my name if you knew it?"
	"You're the only one that dies like... that. That day. I'd say you're
the worst death there."
	"Fucked with an angle grinder."
	"Yeah, fucked with an angle grinder."
	"I was hoping if You existed You'd come through for me there. Like a
'deus ex machina' sort of thing, y'know? Maybe I didn't have enough faith."
	God looked into the distance behind Jason. "Honestly, I wasn't really
listening that day."
	"No fucking shit! At least everyone else made it out okay because of
me, right? It was an honourable death?"

	God looked back into the book at the next couple pages. "Hmm. Yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty honourable."
	"That's good." Jason leaned on the other end of the podium. "Can- can I
see Jane?"
	"Jane? There are a lot of Janes."
	"My wife. She made it here, right? Oh, wait - can I get in? Into
Heaven?"
	"Yeah, sure, you've earned it. But your wife isn't here. Or in the
other place. Your wife's on Earth."
	"What? No."
	"Yeah. Jane used the cash she'd been slowly building up to buy a plane
ticket to Kazakhstan and retire."
	"Fuck."
	"Yeah."
	"Really?"
	"Yeah."
	"Fuck."
	"Well, you'll have a lot of time for relationship stuff up here, so,
like, have fun with that."
	"Fuck me, man." The gates open and Jason started walking through before
pausing. "Y'know, times were hard."
	"Yes, yes they were."
	"Like, really hard. I don't think I was ever really happy, y'know? I
never got anything like that. The best I got was a fucking character arc like
this is a comic book or something. That kind of felt unnecessary, y'know? The
whole fucking me over again and again? I don't think I needed that."
	"Perhaps."
	"Per fucking haps. Y'know what? Where were you? Why did you write me
like that? My life has been fucking torture. Why did you do that to me?"
	God kicked Jason and he fell over past the gate threshold. The door to
Heaven slammed shut, and God locked it.

[...]:	Welcome to Hell.
Trin:	Great to be here.


/blah/2023-01-31.html

#!/bin/sh
set -e
# UNIX manual system
str isvalue "$MANUAL_DIR" \
	|| MANUAL_DIR=/usr/manual
argv0="$0"
! str isvalue "$1" || str isvalue "$3" \
	&amp;&amp; printf "Usage: %s [name] (section)\n" "$argv0" 1>&amp;2 \
	&amp;&amp; exit 1 \
	|| true
str isvalue "$2" &amp;&amp; ! test -e "$MANUAL_DIR/$2/$1" \
	&amp;&amp; printf "%s: %s: No manual entry in section %s\n" "$0" "$1" "$2" \
		1>&amp;2 \
	&amp;&amp; exit 1 \
	|| true
str isvalue "$2" \
	&amp;&amp; PAGE="$MANUAL_DIR/$2/$1" \
	|| for d in "$MANUAL_DIR"/*
			do test -e "$d/$1" &amp;&amp; PAGE="$d/$1"
		done
! str isvalue "$PAGE" \
	&amp;&amp; printf "%s: %s: No manual entry\n" "$0" "$1" 1>&amp;2 \
	&amp;&amp; exit 1 \
	|| true
! str isvalue "$SECTION_DIR" \
	&amp;&amp; printf "%s: %s: No manual entry\n" "$argv0" "$1" 1>&amp;2 \
	&amp;&amp; exit 1 \
	|| true
&lt;"$PAGE" groff -t -e -mandoc -Tascii

trick   or         treat
girl's  gotta      eat
i'll    bark       for u
just    please pay me
just    grab me    by the
bezel   and make   me wish
i was   more       than a
screen.            please?

                        Blaa
 ================================================================
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|                                ╨ÑÑ─ "ÑÑÑÑ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀"              |
|                                                                |
 ----------------------------------------------------------------
| ALTERNATIVE NAMES: bla, blah                                   |
 ================================================================

Trin (laughing):	That's not even the grossest thing I've seen here.
[...]:	No?
Trin:	No.
[...]:	I believe that. And that's fucked. (starts laughing)
Trin (still laughing):	I feel like I'm going insane.
[...]:	You do?
Trin:	Not really. I already went insane a while ago.
[...]:	It's the new normal.
Trin:	Yeah. We're all insane around here.

It's still Tuesday?

	I had a dream: I was in a private art gallery admiring the paintings.
Then it turned out there was a warrant out for my arrest. They'd found
something extreme enough to warrant throwing a smoke bomb through the window in
front of me. I noticed it wasn't really clouding anything so knowing it was
probably some nerve agent I ran to the door and gated over to a fractal of the
world in which I'd been. Some SWAT agent or something saw me open the door to
	While that transpired I forked and gated over to the MoMA or whatever
in Manhattan. Some cars with black tinted windows rolled up from both ends of
the road so I sprinted across the street into ongoing construction where I was
shot and killed. Worth a try.
a place to which that doorway didn't usually go and sprinted through along with
me. I ran through the gallery, which was this rich guy's beautiful townhouse,
and made it upstairs where I got onto the roof. The SWAT didn't know I was
there so I jumped down and made it into a nearby forest. One for two.

[2:59 PM] Strong Eminav_B (weak): I was expecting you to look older and a less
                                  round face
[3:09 PM] Strong Eminav_B (weak): The way you describe ur life makes me picture
                                  you like that before and after image of that
                                  ww1 soldier

What are you wearing?
	I dunno baby, whatever you want...

	Carhart pants. Loose fit jeans but I'm considering tighter fit because
it'd make them easier to pack. Black.
	Carhart shirt. Loose fit. I take a razor and cut the Carhart logo off
and it's just a 100% cotton shirt with a pocket that I know will last me a
while. Black.
	Amazon "athletic sleeves". Tight. Black.
	Some eco whatever hat. Keeps headlights, rain, and hair out of my eyes.
Black.
	Carhart gloves. Spandex. Well fitting. Black.
	New Balance 686 boots. Everything-proof. Pink shoelaces under all the
grime. Black.
	Casio F-91W. Black.
	On occasion, a bandanna tied around my neck or hair. Black.
	Dickies socks. Black.
	Intimates. Take me out to dinner first. Even then you'll probably never
see them.
	A Hello Kitty scrunchie. Silk, maybe? Satin? Shiny. Kawaii. Not black.
	Glasses. Rose colored.

[3:32 PM] trn1ty: yeah it sorta be like that
[3:32 PM] trn1ty: blackpink
[3:32 PM] trn1ty: cutepunk

trn1ty started a thread: trinity fits thread. See all threads.
Yesterday at 9:24 PM

[9:18 PM] trinity: they're gonna study my work after i'm gone but idk in cs or
                   in psychology
[9:19 PM] sasha: in cryptozoology

treat me like your computer
i wanna do all your math
take me apart for techno school
show all the pieces to your class

grab me by the bezel
make me glitch the fuck out
tie me up in wires
call me a bitch and make out

treat me like your computer
like i'm a video game
play me with your friends from school
but don't tell me their names

unplug me from the ether
so i can't surf any sites
take your hard drive out from me
leave me on a shelf and go outside

	Rothco M-65 mansfield jacket. Sturdy. Black.

	Aside from my weird thing recently it's been months since I've felt
much emotion. My emotions and I are apart, for the better I think. They didn't
do a lot of good for me and I didn't do a lot of good for them. Good riddance.
	Most of the people I know don't feel emotion. The rest of the people I
know with which I've brought this up think this is horrifying. I don't think
so. The people I know with emotion left are either priviledged or at one point
had it in a way that is to me unimaginable. The rest of us had to grow up.
	I remember being scared the first time I saw Night of the Living Dead.
I haven't felt fear in years. High school, the earlier years probably. Maybe my
caf OD did something. Maybe there's only so much fear you can, and I did.
Maybe...
	There is no pausing, there is no remembering, there is no recoiling.
When things go bump in the night you get a rifle, when people die you walk past
them, when everybody is dead you step over the bodies and on them if necessary.
And I'm tired but not tired enough.
	   _   _
	[]-[]-'    :(){:|:;};: ...

---| --|- --|| -|-- -|-| -||- -|-| -||| |--- |--| |-|- |-|| ||-- ||-| |||- ||||


/blah/2023-01-29.html

	Fuck!

	I don't remember typing that. I got like 8hrs last night and the same
the night before! The previous nights 2-3.

	I started a Patreon. You don't get much for it, just a custom role on
feeling.murderu.us, and only on the Discord bridge.

	My Raspberry Pi is actually really goddamn fast. I put a cheapo Amazon
passive heat sink + fan on it and now it stays under 60C without a problem.
raspi-config(8) doesn't let you trigger the fan any lower than that for some
reason or I might keep it at 50. Look at this mess:

    if [ "$INTERACTIVE" = True ]; then
      TIN=$(whiptail --inputbox "At what temperature in degrees Celsius sh[...]
    else
      if [ -z $3 ]; then
        TIN=80
      else
        TIN=$3
      fi
    fi
    if ! [ $? -eq 0 ] ; then
      return 0
    fi
    if ! echo "$TIN" | grep -q ^[[:digit:]]*$ ; then
      if [ "$INTERACTIVE" = True ]; then
        whiptail --msgbox "Temperature must be a number between 60 and 120[...]
      fi
      return 1
    fi

	I don't like this. I really don't like this! I'm gonna rewrite
raspi-config(8) today. Fuck it.


/blah/2023-01-27.html

NPR:	&lt;https://text.npr.org/1151374507&gt;
Headline:	"Nearly all U.S. mass attackers were male and faced major life
         	stressor, report finds"
Content:	"...Nearly all the attackers experienced 'at least one
        	significant stressor' within five years of the attack..."
What?? Who *has not* experienced a significant stressor within the last five
years?
	These analyses don't compare the demographic to the average or median,
just sensationalize useless numbers. This is somewhat cherry-picked but the
rest of the article also sucked.

	I read NPR for my pseudo-left Capitalist news. I used to read CNN but I
would get irate at misleading headlines. I checked for some to lambast (ooo I'm
becoming a True Blogger "lambasting" my perceived enemies I'm so cool) but
couldn't really find anything that stuck out so maybe I'm remembering it as
worse than it was. Still, most of these headlines can be filed under "who the
fuck cares":

	"Ukraine's new tanks won't be the instant game-changer some expect"
		but they're still useful so who cares
	"Here's how family and officials who have seen the video of Tyre
	 Nichols' arrest are responding to the footage"
		probably they don't like it because he got shot or something
		who's Tyre Nichols
	"Quarterbacks in the NFL playoffs are getting younger. Here's why their
	 age is important"
		who cares about the NFL?
	"US Marines officially opens first new base in 70 years on island of
	 Guam"
		USA propaganda piece
	"After 3 years of Covid, CNN went into rural China for Lunar New Year.
	 Here's what we found and how officials tried stopping us"
		probably officials knew CNN fucking sucks ass and were trying
		to stop them from ruining people's fun. article exploration
		time!
			the article was incomprehensibly boring and just
			explored COVID-19 stuff in rural china. the tldr is
			rural people don't care because they didn't really get
			great treatment during the onset of the pandemic so
			anyone who would've died did and now it's just a thing
			that goes around. i didn't read much of the article i'm
			just describing my rural town because rural towns are
			the same fucking everywhere
	"China still wants to control Big Tech. It's just pulling different
	 strings"
		anti-China propaganda piece. this could have been titled "the
		Chinese government still wants influence over Western
		technology companies, trying different methods" but that
		wouldn't be biased or completely fucking stupid. can you tell I
		hate CNN?

	I could go on but my doctor (drug dealer) told me to watch my blood
pressure so I'm gonna have to chew an aspirin (drugs) to calm down (get high).

私を殺して

street racer at twelve
no sidewalk. street's soaked in ice
take me somewhere nice

Note to self: mail Jared &lt;https://soundcloud.com/cementcity-1
/fallen-angel-cement-city-cover-panty-and-stocking-with-garterbelt-ed&gt;

[...]
[12:06 PM] tebicat: I read this and imagined a human organ hooked up as an hid
                    or something
[10:05 PM] trinity: like that person with the pinball thingies surgically added
                    to their brain or whatever and could be put into agony by
                    pressing a button
[10:05 PM] trinity: what are the pinball thingies called
[10:05 PM] trinity: SOLENOIDS
[10:06 PM] trinity: EE teacher called them pinball bumpers
[10:07 PM] trinity: cyborg but the augmentation is easy facility for torture
[10:07 PM] trinity: ping ping ping AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE
[10:10 PM] trinity: in hindsight i should stop engaging with severely fucked up
                    events
[10:10 PM] trinity: i feel like all my random anecdotes are like hey i watched
                    a person die that way

	I'm not a very good leader. Today at work one of the people in my [...]
threw a bitch fit because I put them on menial labor most of the time rather
than the meat and potatoes of our job. A real bitch fit that made me pause what
I was doing for a couple seconds to tell them to shut the fuck up, but then my
superior called them into their office so that they instead could tell them to
shut the fuck up - I technically have no authority to tell anyone what to do
but people listen to me because I'm the one with the most experience.

	"I'm gonna throw a B.F.! A bitch fit!" ~ a friend of mine

	I'm not a very good leader. The issue is that I don't really feel that
whole empathy thing or anything like that. Not only can I not imagine what my
subordinates (this sounds like total dogshit but bear with me because this
wording is the best I have) are feeling but when they verbalize their feelings
there's not much I can do to understand or care because I barely have
discernable emotions besides {confused,typical,hyper,tired}. My solution to
most things is to get someone doing menial labor because I figure if they're
stressed out they should do relaxing small jobs rather than the soul crushing
eternal big job.
	I don't have much to add because I don't care that much. When dogs bite
send them outside. Otherwise as long as they can still walk put them on the
leash and make them exercise.


/blah/2023-01-25.html

Trinitisms:  It's not preferable to drink from plastic.

	I was really pleasantly surprised to see people's caring about
microplastics hit the mainstream. This is half about that and half just that I
don't like the texture of most plastic things relative to metal cans or glass.
Except straws, I love straws.

Now reading: &lt;https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychochemical_warfare&gt;

Service: Soundcloud - trn1ty

	I had a dream last night I was walking in my neighborhood when this
bald eagle swooped down to attack me. I happened to have a baseball bat with me
so I hit it in its chest and it fell down on the ground. Then I beat it until
it stopped moving and when it was dead I woke up.

	Band name idea: sourdough starter.

Trinitisms:  Don't put ice in beverages that aren't water, or they'll get
             watered down.

	I made this joke at work until everyone was sick of it and then put it
on my website because I myself was not yet sick of it.

Trinitisms:  Don't think, feel.

	And you'll be tanasinn.

Trinitisms:  A string is an array of characters.

	I hate, hate, hate, HATE programming languages that don't let me index
strings as if they're arrays. Or make me jump through hoops. C is perfect.

Trinitisms:  More magic is necessary.

	Referencing the famous magic / more magic hacker fairytale.

Trinitisms:  The only good programmers are the insane programmers.

	I miss you, Terry!

Trinitisms:  If less than one half of the packaging is in a non-Latin writing
             system, the noodles will be sub-par.

	I think I came up with this in high school. I prefer Shin Ramyun and
use a Sunbeam Hot Shot to heat the water, the same since I started. I used to
have a couple a day but now I rarely have that ramen. I can get a meal from a
local Chinese restuarant and stretch it out to last me 3 days of meals.

辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛辛

	I hope this Unicode works because it's tofu with the default xterm(1)
font.

	I can't sleep. When I close my eyes I can see the inside of my mind.

[2022-01-08T0128] trinity: proprietary vendor, proprietary problem

	Howard, what is flau x4c?

	Cassidy met Ada at the coffee shop for the second time for the second
time.
	Ada spoke first. "How's your morning going?"
	"Fine. Weird, but fine."
	"Weird?"
	Cassidy smiled. "I screw dials into watches, that's my job. It smells
weird. I just realized there's all kinds of dust in the air."
	Ada grew pale. "Dust in the air?"


/blah/2023-01-24.html

How to make lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD)
	1. [...] [...] in [...] with [...] to get [...].
	2. Activate the [...] by [...].
	3. Extract the [...] and [...].
Easy!

Trinitisms:  "Disc" refers to optical and physically impressive media, such as
             compact discs or phonograph discs, and "disk" is for magnetic
             media, such as floppy disks or hard disks; there are however
             exceptions and edge cases.

	I probably didn't coin this one but rather came up with it
independently, observing the use of dis{c,k} between "optical disc" and "floppy
disk". I'm still not sure if this is the actual rule.

Trinitisms:  catfella - the non-gender-specific form of "catboy" or "catgirl".
             (coined 2020-08-11 when referring to my friend Socks)
             Also in use (though not a Trinitism): nyanbinary.

	Socks is so cool. I don't know what they're up to now, probably kicking
ass somewhere on the net. I was a moderator on their short-lived Discord server
which had like a million messages in #general alone after like three months. I
met them on TikTok because we both had comparable follower counts and
everything; I left TikTok and eventually all social media and they and everyone
else stayed behind. Socks made the most realistic purring noise I've ever heard
a person make.

Sent SMS to [...] at 2023-01-21T00:19:22-0500:
bloomberg terminal that jerks you off when your stocks enter the red

Trinitisms:   The continents shall be separated as follows:
              	North America,
              	South America,
              	Eurasia,
              	Africa,
              	India,
              	the middle-East,
              	and Oceania.
              Though I hope someone important finds individual terms for each
              America and has a better name for the middle-East if each
              region's residents generally agree with me that the current
              naming kind of sucks.

	I talked to a friend of mine about this but I don't remember where. Not
Discord. Maybe SMS? My SMS logs from history are totally toast.

Trinitisms:  39 - "Thank you." In Japanese the word for 3 is "san" and the word
             for 9 is normally "kyuu" so 39 is pronounced "sankyuu".
Trinitisms: Antarctica is cool, both literally and figuratively.

	The same friend with which I discussed the continents harbors
Antarctica as a special interest and told me stuff about McMurdo Station which
is cool as all fuck.

	Maslow has nothing on me.

1                                ___
2           ______         _____/   \
3  ________/      \_______/          \__
4 /                                     \______
5/


/blah/2023-01-23.html

Adventures in nmcli(8): Secrets were required, but not provided.
	Rebooting didn't work.
	Futzing didn't work.
	Config didn't work.
	Disabled MAC address scrambling (already was disabled).
	Rebooted WiFi router.
	Rebooted machine.
	Worked.
	Rebooted.
	Didn't work.
	Rebooted.
	Worked.
	Rebooted.
	Didn't work.
	Rebooted.
	Worked.
Hardware fault?

	What I'm reading:
Wasson, R. Gordon, Ruck, Carl, Hofmann, A.,
	The Road to Eleusis: Unveiling the Secret of the Mysteries.
	Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich, 1978.

PING 1.1.1.1 (1.1.1.1) 56(84) bytes of data.
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=1 ttl=54 time=5332 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=3 ttl=54 time=4710 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=6 ttl=54 time=1913 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=7 ttl=54 time=2131 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=8 ttl=54 time=6488 ms
From 192.168.2.105 icmp_seq=20 Destination Host Unreachable
From 192.168.2.105 icmp_seq=21 Destination Host Unreachable
From 192.168.2.105 icmp_seq=22 Destination Host Unreachable
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=9 ttl=54 time=15077 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=10 ttl=54 time=15891 ms
From 192.168.2.105 icmp_seq=23 Destination Host Unreachable
From 192.168.2.105 icmp_seq=24 Destination Host Unreachable
From 192.168.2.105 icmp_seq=25 Destination Host Unreachable
From 192.168.2.105 icmp_seq=26 Destination Host Unreachable
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=11 ttl=54 time=15621 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=12 ttl=54 time=14801 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=13 ttl=54 time=13844 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=16 ttl=54 time=10823 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=18 ttl=54 time=8812 ms
                                                                       Awesome!
	ME:	'Sup.
	JOHN:	Nothing much. How about you?
	ME:	Oh, you know.
	JOHN:	What's going on?
	ME:	Well, I'm alive, so things aren't great.
	JOHN:	Oh.

	PURPOSE BUILT TO BE DISARMINGLY CUTE

	Now playing: Killing Me Softly - Roberta Flack

	Based! on sodium bicarbonate. in a spoon with a blowtorch

Antipsychotics
    |     \
    |     _\|
    V     Dopamine -> Neurotransmitters -> Chemical Synapses -> Synapses
Psychosis  _                   ^
    ^     |\                   |
    |       \          _ Serotonin
    |        \         /|
"Bewitchment"_\       /
            |\ \    LSD -> Ergot &lt;- Claviceps purpurea
              \ \              ^      /        ^
               \ \             |    |/_        |
                '-\------- Ergotism     &lt;------|-- Hosp. Bros. of Saint Anthony
                   \                           |
                    '-+----------  Eleusinian Mysteries
                      |                    ^
                       \                   |
                        '-- Philosophy &lt;- Plato

[...]
[8:36 AM] segismundo: so, an anti psychotic does the opposite to LSD
[8:37 AM] segismundo: meaning that LSD is, by definition, a "psychotic"
[...]

	Just as Land smoked methamphetamine, Plato drank of ergot-infected
kykeon. Philosophy is an application of psychosis.

[...]
[9:48 AM] meatgrinder #1 meatspinoza: Fantastic

--- 1.1.1.1 ping statistics ---
837 packets transmitted, 99 received, +229 errors, 88.172% packet loss, time...
rtt min/avg/max/mdev = 39.220/30595.549/353683.940/40902.931 ms, pipe 307


/blah/2023-01-22.html

	Internet's out, repo's not cloned here, guess I'm writing this in a
separate text file.

	This blah really is just a single large HTML file I edit (most of the
time). I might start splitting it up but then I don't get to read previous
stuff as I write. A lot of my revision process is just taking something I've
written, copy pasting it into a new doc, and rewriting it word by word into
something I like. It would be a lot harder to do if it was all separate text
files. Honey, where did I put my arsonted_06.txt?

	I have a job I never really talk about here because I don't really like
working and don't see why I should write about something I don't like. But my
co-workers vaguely know of the existence of this blah so I figure I'll mention
that. At least at this current job they do. Don't move up, move out. I make
sandwiches. Fast food. It's no honorable occupation.

	xterm(1) is a program I really enjoy despite it technically being hot
garbage. Someday maybe I'll fork it and fix it while keeping support for
everything but probably not.

	maia arson crimew is so cool.

	I'd like to implement Fing for UNIX but better. It's definitely
possible even in Just shell scripting. nmap(1), ping(1), etc.

	Immediately I'd like to write a history of pagers and some
documentation for raspi-config(8).


/blah/2023-01-11.html

	"Sounds like a pretty one-sided relationship."
	"Well, yeah." Ada Karina had finished her brief account of a story that
spanned decades.
	"Forty five the first time... back twenty three years from that... then
how old?"
	"Oh, I uh- thirty. Even, I think."
	"Eight years. So fifty three. Then you were thirty five, another
thirteen. That's sixty six years?"
	"I guess." Ada checked her watch.
	"You're twenty three now. That makes you eighty nine."
	"I guess."
	Howard tapped his fingers on the recliner. A church bell rang in the
distance; noon. The cafe would close in an hour. He thought to himself. "Older
than me."
	"Not physically. Mentally I feel like my brain's on fire. Probably I
won't last much longer up in my head. But it helps a lot that I'm twenty three
by all observable quantities. And really it's more like I was trapped in
a simulation three times rather than that I actually time travelled."
	"How was it?"
	"How was what?"
	"You spent- eighty nine, twenty three - sixty six years working towards
a relationship. I mean, no matter how good Cassidy is, is it worth it to go
that long?"
	Ada thought for a moment. "For a smile? For a hug? Of course. and it
kills me that it's gone." She laughed. "Yeah. It just kills me." Ada turned her
head to look outside at the table at which she met Cassidy the second, third,
and fourth times.
	Howard Polk had been the owner of the cafe for the previous two years.
He wondered if he'd be alive for the holocaust, if Ada couldn't prevent it. He
looked at his knuckles resting on the worn cotton armrest. The burns he got as
a cook at someone else's establishment decades past never healed, not on his
knuckles and not on his neck. "I lost someone too, once. The last person I
cared about. Actually cared about."
	"May I ask who?"
	Howard snorted. "Yes you may. The co-owner. Margeret."
	"Margeret."
	"Best damn cook I knew. Taught me everything I know. Everything."
	"What happened?"
	Howard scratched the recliner fabric and felt the texture. "We went our
separate ways, or rather, she went her separate way, getting bored of the
business or the routine or something. I texted, called, messaged back when
instant messaging was still new. And she sent me a message saying it wasn't my
fault that she didn't answer and that she was going through a rough patch."
	Ada turned back to Howard. "What happened?"
	"She washed up on the shore of the Nile."
	"Fuck."
	"I still prefer it to what you said. Even if I don't quite believe it."
	A timer went off in the kitchen area behind the counter in front of
which Howard's recliner sat. Ada watched the cook bend down out of sight and
return to view with a pan of bacon. "I wouldn't believe it either."


/blah/2023-01-09.html

	1000 lines since the last Ted story?

	Minerva and Ron sat silent in the car. Ron focused on driving while
Minerva frowned at the horizon.
	"We should have stayed there and made sure he got help."
	"Help? What help is there for him? It's a miracle he didn't end up
killing anyone. I know it's my 'duty' as manager to make sure the store's safe
but the guys'll fill in everything for the cops and EMTs and Ted'll get put
away in a place where he can't do more harm. That was a traumatic event,
Minerva. I want something to take the edge off and I wanna forget the fire and
Ted ever happened."
	Minerva looked at the steering weel. "That's not a healthy coping
mechanism, you know."
	Ron stared into the horizon. "Oh, fuck off. If you thought any
differently than I did you wouldn't have gotten in the car." They started to
accelerate.

	Ted had been watching the second building burn that day for probably
half an hour before he heard footsteps in the brush behind him. "You rat
bastard!"
	Ted turned around to find a police officer with his gun already drawn.
"Oh. Hi. Are cops allowed to swear?"
	The officer's hands' tremble was slight but visible. "Ted."
	Ted read the officer's name tag. "Jack?"
	"Tom. Tom Jack. You were at my brother's Christmas party."
	Ted remembered a Tally Jack with which he worked. Tally invited Ted to
his Christmas party about three months prior and Ted at the time regretted
showing up. Being beaten with blessings and suffocated by songs playing in
background commercials. Every present had a logo and everybody already knew the
brands. Ted was the odd one out, as usual. "Tom."
	"How could you? You could have killed all of your co-workers - why burn
down the office? You could have killed my brother." Tom's voice quivered.
	Ted tilted his head and thought for a moment. "Nobody died. Would have
been cooler if they all did, yeah." He smiled softly.
	Officer Jack, now angry, gripped his gun with both hands. "I could
arrest you, and the judge would give you a sentence, but that wouldn't be
justice. If you got out you'd just do this again, wouldn't you?" Ted nodded.
"Me killing you right now is justice. To Hell with the consequences."
	Ted stood and watched the officer staring into his eyes but only
reciprocated in the same way a doll or teddy bear makes eye contact. Without
presence.
	"So." Tom exhaled. "Goodbye." Tom braced for Ted's reaction.
	There was none. Tom squared his soldiers. "Okay."
	Ted finally reacted. "Car."
	"What?" And then it hit Tom with all two tons of force; an ambulance
driven under the influence. Its brakes squealed but the tires couldn't catch
the dry grass and the ambulance sucked Tom under where he was run over by all
four wheels before being spit out on the other side ten seconds from death and
with his top ten most vital organs all perforated in one way or another. "Man."
	Ted watched the light leave Tom's eyes as the ambulance driver
staggared out of the vehicle. Tom in terms of presentation wasn't too gruesome,
though death did have somewhat of an effect on his composure. It struck Ted as
a boring dead body.
	The driver put his hands on the sides of his head. "Oh man, oh man, oh
man..." Ted was surprised he hadn't been the one hit but then remembered he
didn't care, and that the ambulance driver wasn't on fire.
	"Can you hold still for a second?"
	The driver paused and looked at Ted. "...What?"

	Arson Ted is my favorite character.


/blah/2023-01-08.html

	What I found in Flipnote Studio 3D for my Nintendo 3DS:
	- 2019-09-25 0646:  9 frames. Bouncing ball demo.
	- 2019-10-11 1736: 28 frames. Bouncing ball demo (the ball is liquid).
	- 2019-12-16 1304: 30 frames. The word "FUCK" turns into strings and
                                      falls onto the floor. It recollects as
                                      a heart with "YOU" in the middle.
	- 2011-01-01 2110: 60 frames. A stick figure falls into the ground and
	  (likely a clock             leaves an impression in the snow; climbs
	   issue)                     out. Letters appear above them: "SOVIETS
                                      WITHOUT A PARACHUTE (tm)
	- 2011-09-30 1004:  4 frames. A stick figure masturbating.
	  (likely a clock
	   issue)
	- 2020-11-09 2257: 55 frames. A stick figure waits at a dinner table
                                      holding a fork and knife, wearing a bib.
                                      Another stick figure slides a dish to the 
                                      other end of the table. The first stick
                                      figure looks down and their mouth extends
                                      into crocodile-like jaws before they take
                                      a bite out of the entire section of the
                                      table with the dish. The second stick
                                      figure extends their mouth likewise and
                                      smiles.
	- 2020-11-10 2302:  2 frames. A small drawing of a teddy bear next to
                                      the shaky words くまちゃん: &lt;BR /&gt;
                                      「ACAB」.
	- 2020-11-16 1746:  2 frames. Words on top of a flashing yellow and
                                      white background: i &lt;3 LOOTERS.

	Today I tried playing Professor Layton and the Curious Village for the
Nintendo DS. It was too hard and I've given up. Half the puzzles are total
bogus (you have one match and want to heat your bathtub, start a fire, and
light your lamp; which do you light first?.. your match). The story looks good
and I like the FMV cutscenes. Maybe I'll find an edit of all of them on-line.
	I rediscovered Paper Airplane Chase (DSiWare) which I had when I was a
very small child on my DSi XL. I played it a lot and enjoyed it but now it
looks to me like it's probably an asset flip of some part of another game.
Maybe WarioWare?
	In total people owe me $545. I'm hoping I can get that by the time next
month's rent is due.

/home/trinity/Pictures/the_end_of_the_world.webm (2021-03-04 2104; 3991 KB;
origin unknown)

	00:00: A picture of Tim and Moby from MobyMax.
	00:00: A picture of Captain Underpants.
	00:01: A picture of a Nintendo Wii.
	00:02: The poster for Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (2011).
	00:02: A screenshot from PAPA's TACO MIA.
	00:03: A picture of a kid with outstretched hands displaying
	       Sillybandz.
	00:03: Bodycam footage of an officer shooting a figure in the desert.
	       Dated 2018-10-10 1454.
	00:04: Video of a police officer shooting a man in the street. The
	       police officer behind him is held back by a bystander.
	00:04: Video of a TSA agent searching a child for weapons.
	00:05: Video of another TSA agent searching a toddler in a wheelchair
	       for weapons.
	00:06: A screen capture of a computer system using facial recognition
	       to track school class attendance.
	00:06: A screenshot from a TSA body scanning computer.
	00:07: A Department of Defense press release showing 3D render of an
	       "active denial system".
	00:08: Footage from a massacre at a mosque in Christchurch, New
	       Zealand.
	00:09: A screen capture of a computer system tracking the positions of
	       students at a school.
	00:09: Footage of a police officer pulling a police canine off of a
	       figure.
	00:10: A picture of a poster at a school. Visible is a yellow smiley
	       face with "Smile" above and "You're on camera!" below. To the
	       right visible is the following fragment:
	                                                            Our new bus
	                                                          you have a sa
	                                                           We have pros
	                                                        and graffiti on
                                                         (italic) You are being
                                                      (italic) bus. So just sit
	                                                              WE WILL P
	                                                                     OR
	00:10: A snippet from Sunday Today with Willie Geist, headline: JEFFREY
	       EPSTEIN'S DEATH LEAVES ANGER AND QUESTIONS.


/blah/2023-01-07.html

2022-05-04

Orientation
	Olive arrived the next day at 9 o'clock antemeridian having been
informed of the time she'd start work two hours prior via electronic mail. She
entered the restaurant via the two sets of glass double doors and walked to the
counter.
	"Hi, I'm Olive, I'm here for my first day of work here."
	The kid at the counter looked like they hadn't slept in weeks. "Hi
Olive, I'll go get the manager." They disappeared and returned from the back of
the restaurant which didn't seem to be lit, accompanied by a man Olive hadn't
met. He grimaced in an attempt to smile. "Hi Olive. Usually Paul would be here
but he's out sick."
	"Sick? I spoke with him at length yesterday in his office – should I
quarantine?"
	"No, the only thing of Paul's that was contagious was his smile." The
man grimaced again. "Come with me, I'll show you the kitchen."
	Olive, lead by the new supervisor, followed into the dim kitchen, lit
by a single red-tinted bulb. Another kid, apparently lacking more sleep than
the first, stood at a tall stainless steel table on which four machines sat. On
the far right was the paper dispenser; it dispensed paper wrappers for the
burgers, operated by button press. The bun dispenser, operated by lever,
deposited refined-grain sesame seed buns of 12 centimeter diameter, the bottom
landing on one corner of the paper and the top landing on another. The patty
dispenser, operated by plunging lever, was a conveyor belt that lead to the
kitchen from nowhere immediately discernible to Olive. On metal wires it would
push patties, two at a time, to the table. The final machine dispensed an
orange mixture (that smelled like cheese and ketchup) and was operated by flip
lever – flipped one way, it dispensed enough syrup for one burger, flipped the
other way, it dispensed enough for another. Shik-shik, puk-puk, hrnnnnn, click.
The kid at the table made two burgers at a time before wrapping them and
sending them out.
	Next to the table, on the red tiled floor, was a bucket of waste. Olive
gestured to it. "Do you do composting?"
	"Oh, no, of course not. We need to count out waste. How many burgers
tossed, how many buns tossed, et cetera. We've had issues with employees
stealing product."
	"Oh." Olive stared in the bucket. It held a soup of cheese/ketchup,
grease, mushed bread, and dissolving wrappers. "You count out everything in
there?"
	"Yup, that's not exactly my favorite part of this job." The supervisor
turned to the table kid. "Daniel, this is Olive."
	"Hi Olive." Daniel turned back to his hell.
	The supervisor turned back to Olive. "You'll be replacing Daniel. Watch
how he works so you know what you'll be doing."
	Olive kept staring in the bucket. "Do you have any sort of official
procedure sheets?"
	"Yes, but you aren't allowed to see them."
	Olivia's eyes moved from the bucket to the conveyor. "Oh."

	That was OK. Here's how I'd write it now:

Orientation
	Olive arrived the next day at 900 on two hours'notice. She entered the
restaurant via two sets of glass double doors and walked to the counter.
Holding the register was a teenager who looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.
Olive read his nametag. Sam.
	"Hi Sam, I'm Olive, I'm here for my first day of work here."
	"Hi Olive, I'll go get the manager." He disappeared into the back of
the restaurant, which Olive noticed was lit dimly if at all, and returned with
a man in a black uniform. The man grimaced in an attempt to smile. "Hi Olive.
Usually Paul, the manager with whom you spoke yesterday, would be here, but
he's out sick."
	"Oh. Should I be here then? The interview was in an enclosed space and
for a little while." Sam brought out the bag for an order as they talked. He
pulled a receipt off a clip hanging from one of the shelves behind him, strafed
over to the soda fountain, and started pouring drinks. A set of hands pushed a
burger onto the other shelf and then receded back into the darkness.
	"No, it's not contagious - fortunately. Plus the restuarant is very
well ventilated. The only thing of Paul's that was contagious was his smile."
The man grimaced again. Olive noticed the use of past tense. "Come with me,
I'll show you the kitchen."
	Olive, lead by the supervision, stepped behind the counter, between the
two stainless steel shelves, carefully through a brief corridor between shelves
holding room-temperature ingredients, and followed around the end of the shelf
on the right to the small kitchen which she noticed was lit by a single red
incandescent bulb. Another teenager stood at a waist-level stainless steel
table onto which four machines dispensed paper wrappers, sesame-seed buns, beef
patties, and some sort of sauce. Four tubes ran to the table; two from the
floor and one each from the ceiling and a refrigerator-sized machine behind the
kid that had a large steel tube chimney vent also routed towards, eventually,
the sky. The kid at the table made a sandwich in a rhythmic beat.
	Shik-shik. The paper dispenser was a box sort of shaped like a printer
with a large black button that used the mechanical force of the button press to
separate and spit out the burger wrapper. The box extended past the edge of the
table and a large stainless steel tube extended from its bottom through the
floor. The papers had red splotches on them, like there was an accident in
printing.
	Puk-puk. The bun dispenser was a tube that ran down from the ceiling
towards the table with a lever on the front. The lever rotated a gear inside
the tube so it could dispense a single twelve-centimeter sesame seed bun,
fluffy enough to not be damaged upon hitting the bun wrapper.
	Hrnnnnn. The patty dispenser, operated by foot pedal, was a conveyer
belt within a thick tube that carried a freshly-broiled hamburger patty; the
Durmer Burger signature patty, in fact. It came pre-seasoned.
	Click. The sauce dispenser resembled a sink faucet, with a tube a
couple centimeters in diameter running from a valve in the floor under the
table to the hook-shaped dispenser section. On the front it had a flip lever -
flipped one way, it dispensed enough syrup for one burger, flipped the other
way, it dispensed enough for another. The large handle made a gentle but
audible click as it toggled. The signature Durmer Burger sauce was orange and
smelled to Olive like a mix of cheese and ketchup but she figured it would be
naive of her to assume that was all it was.
	Shik-shik. Puk-puk. Hrnnnnn. Click. Then he wrapped them and pushed
them through the shelf into the light behind it.
	Next to the table, on the red tiled floor, was a bucket, a third full,
of various decomposing ingredients. Olive pointed at it and turned to the
manager. "Do you do composting?"
	"Oh, no, not here." He chuckled, which came out as a low growl. "We
count out waste to make sure the inventory sums out. A couple years ago we had
some problems with an employee stealing a ton of stuff from here so it's just
in case it happens again. Probably not really necessary but it's what the
higher-ups want."
	"Oh." Olive stared in the bucket. It held a soup of sauce, grease,
the remnants of some buns, and slowly-dissolving wrappers. "You count out
everything in there?"
	"Yeah. Not exactly sunshine and roses." The supervisor spoke a little
louder. "Daniel."
	The table teen, presumably Daniel, looked up from making sandwiches.
	"This is Olive."
	Daniel looked towards Olive's knees. "Hi Olive." He turned back to his
table.
	The manager turned back to Olive. "You'll be replacing Daniel. Watch
how he works so you know what you'll be doing."
	Olive kept staring in the bucket. "Do you have any sort of procedure
sheets anywhere?"
	"Probably. I've only seen glimpses. They keep it under wraps. This is
more sort of a word-of-mouth, creative job. You do things the best you can."
	"Alright, cool."

	I don't like chocolate.


/blah/2023-01-06.html

2022-05-04

Interview
	Olive set herself down on a blue chair with stainless steel gray legs
that grasped a red tiled floor thinly but strong enough at least for her right
then. The weather outside was beautiful, a clear sky with few clouds, and the
sun would rise in an hour, though Olive could see none of this because the
cramped office in which she and her chair were captive was windowless. The
silence was set to the beat of Olive tapping her jeans with her nails and
looking at the, to her, very large vent next to the flickering fluorescent
light in the suspended ceiling. The cheap desk in front of her wasn't very big
but still barely left room for her against the wall, on it was miscellaneous
unsorted paperwork. This was the first, most potent memory Olive would have of
her time working for Durmer Burger.
	There came two knocks at the door and it was ajar. The lead manager,
Paul, smiled with nearly all of his teeth before pulling it open. "Olive, is
it?"
	"Yes." Olive stood up and held her hands at her sides, intending to
shake Paul's hand if he offered his. He didn't and simply sat down behind his
desk. Olive sat down as well.
	"This is an impressive resume. You volunteered at the humane society
for two years?" Paul's salt-and-pepper hair stuck out under a brown DURMER
WORKER hat.
	"Yeah. I had some spare time and wanted to help out."
	"Good, good. I see you did take some cooking classes at school. You
might be able to teach us a thing or two. I know our kitchen can be a little
strange to new hires but I think you'll get along fine."
	"I hope so."
	"So do you want to stay in the kitchen, or do you want to take orders?
Maybe a little of both?"
	Olive looked at the desk for a moment before looking back at Paul. "I
think starting out in the kitchen would be good, but I don't know."
	"Alright, kitchen, then play it by ear. Sounds good." Paul put on a
sickness of a smile and reached out with a bent elbow to shake Olive's hand,
which she followed.
	After Olive left the room Paul leaned back in his chair and began to
seize. Foam fell from his lips onto his gray uniform. The chair fell over to
Paul's right side, to the door, and Paul hit the side of his head on the
doorknob as he fell onto the floor while his chair scuffed the beige wall
behind him. As his blood dripped slowly onto the tile the fluorescents finally
gave out. Neither the kitchen crew nor the order takers heard Paul die, though
Sam, who usually was relegated to the fryer in the kitchen, noticed the light
was off while sneaking out to the dumpster to smoke a joint of marijuana. He
knocked, asked the order takers where Paul was, and continued out through the
back entrance to the dumpster. On his way back he noticed Paul's car was still
parked outside the entrance. Sam checked both bathrooms (each empty) and opened
the office door ajar to see if Paul maybe was taking a nap on the clock. That's
when Sam found the body.
	After Olive left the room she walked out of the restaurant through the
front entrance, looked up and down the street for traffic, though there rarely
was any, and crossed Canal Avenue over to the Chinese buffet where she turned
right and started walking home. She watched ambulances and a police car fly
down the road and didn't see any significance in it.
	Paul's shoulder was mostly holding the door shut but Sam could see the
drool on the floor. He ran away to the front and told the order takers, who
called the local emergency number. Two ambulances and a police car stopped in
the drive-through and brought out a stretcher, some paramedics, and a police
officer. While the paramedics took care of the body the officer questioned
first the order takers and then Sam, whom the officer noticed was high. Officer
Daniels didn't make a note of it.
	On a computer screen somewhere (anywhere) in a factory a worker watched
a man seize and die on closed circuit television. He picked up a telephone and
dialed for his superior who was on the same connection. The superior went down
to the worker's office and stared at the still conveyor belt behind the worker,
on top of which neatly laid a number of burger wrapper papers. The superior
asked what the worker was doing and the worker explained that a man had just
died inside the burger store (Durmer Burger). The supervisor stared at the
press, then the employee, then the ink buckets that lay beside the press
peppered with warning labels regarding the composition of the ink. The
supervisor considered how hot the ink had to be to be in a liquid state. Then,
silently, the supervisor grabbed the employee by the ear and violently threw
them into the red tank. The employee opened their mouth to scream but only
music came out. The most beautiful music the supervisor had heard. It came to a
crescendo as the worker's face dissolved and they lost consciousness due to
shock but it played on even after the employee's decrescendo. Red splattered
onto the burger wrappers.

2022-05-04

Recomposition
	"Hey." A figure in a black trenchcoat, wearing green circular glasses a
bit too big for their head, tapped Olive's shoulder as she lay on the road
foaming at the mouth. "Hey Olive. Wake up."
	Seeing that Olive was dead, the figure started walking down the road
backwards, facing Olive. When Olive's body flew up and started walking
backwards towards Alan's the figure crouched and continued sneaking, staying
out of Olive's field of view. This figure watched Olive make her way backwards
to the gas station and eventually made it behind Durmer Burger as Olive
shuffled backwards towards the ground outside the broken door and lay down in
front of it. Olive flew into the door and the glass beads on the ground
arranged themselves into a full sized window pane. The figure waited a minute
or two on a mechanical wristwatch before heading towards the front of the
building.
	All was quiet in the neighborhood. No birds chirped, no squirrels
rustled trees, and there were no cars on the street. The figure in the black
trenchcoat retrieved a black purse from their belt, took out a tension rod and
paper clip, and started to pick the lock. Within a couple seconds they got
through and held the door open. Soon Olive came running out of the portal.
	"Hey."
	Olive clutched her arm and turned around. "Hello?" Her face was twisted
in pain.
	"Hi, I'm here to invite you to Saikokon." The figure smiled with a few
more teeth than fit a human. "It's free!"
	"Saikokon?"
	"Yes, yes. It's quite a surprise, isn't it?"
	Olive looked around her. "What?"
	The figure frowned and put their purse back on their belt. "Alright,
well, I'll take that as a yes, which isn't quite consent but otherwise in a
couple minutes you won't be able to either way. I'm gonna need you to hop on
this scooter." They took a small, collapsible Razor scooter out of their
trenchcoat from a strap across their front and unfolded it. "It's a bit shabby
but I don't like cars' emissions."
	Olive stared at the scooter. "I'm sorry – this is a lot to process. I
need medical attention."
	"Yes, I know, and either you can pour some isopropyl alcohol on your
arm and die on that street drooling or you can get on this scooter and go to a
clinic. So which is it?"
	Olive stepped onto the scooter. Her foot was barely small enough to fit
on its platform, leaving no room for the other. She adjusted her weight to
balance.
	"Great. Now, I'm going to have to ask you not to puke. This is going to
be extremely disorienting for you. Would you like a blindfold?"
	"What?"
	"A blindfold. It obscures your vision."
	"Why would I want a blindfold?"
	"In case of inadverdent motion sickness or blindness."
	"I could go blind?"
	"You could always go blind."
	"Will this increase the risks of my losing my sight?"
	"Olive my dear," the figure grabbed onto the middle of the scooter's
steering apparatus firmly and steadied themself, "you have never seen." The
figure started slowly walking, dragging Olive along, both through space and
time.

	I'm writing this at 0400. I can't sleep.
	I didn't sleep much the
	night before this, or the
	night before that, but    I
	just                        can't.
	                          I can't sleep.
	I'm not tired, except I'm
	a little tired - I just
	yawned. But I'm not
	tired.                    I can't sleep.
	I'm so tired. I don't
	want to sleep but I need
	sleep. But                I can't sleep.

	                          I can't sleep
	! and I'm awake and I've
	been awake since noon?    I can't
	remember and yesterday I
	still only slept maybe a
	couple hours for which I
	am thankful but I need            sleep.
	And                       I can't sleep.
	And heavy is the head
	that wears the crown;
	heavy also is the head of
	the insomniac, the bitter
	dead-wake hound that
	howls in its gutty pain
	and makes mortals fear
	its cosmically lucid mind
	that can strike upon them
	an understanding so great
	they too will never               sleep
	again. Never rest their
	head on a pillow, never
	lay in sheets, never
	breathe a great calming
	breath. They too            can't sleep
	like                      I can't sleep.
	Why                         can't
	                          I       sleep
	? Why must                I
	never                             sleep
	but stay on guard and on
	edge and listening to the
	rustle of the vents and
	automotive traffic on the
	street behind me, past my
	window? Maybe             I can   sleep
	but it's the world that
	stops me. Maybe           I
	halt the world.           I
	don't care.               I
	just want to                      sleep
	!                         I
	need to                           sleep
	! Let me                          sleep
	!


/blah/2023-01-05.html

2021-07-07

Antero
	A person woke up wrapped in satin sheets, head atop a comfortably
stuffed pillow. They remembered the two most important things: Take the pill.
Check the book.
	The book. Where was the book. Their room came into view. A wallpaper of
lilacs on a cream background. Large windows, nearly floor to ceiling. The book
was to their left.
	June 1, 21XX. Ah, the first of a new month. Funny how that happens.
They quickly flipped to the front. EDWARDS Eugene \ Class: Well-to-do. Ah.
Well-to-do. Well in-deed.
	The last thing Eugene Edwards remembered was sitting in a pub in, oh,
what year is it now? 21XX. So 40 years prior; sitting in a pub, having a pint
of whatever happened to be on tap at that point. No televisions. No televisions
at the bar. There were people on phones though. Eugene watched them, thinking.
Kids on their phone. Is it a phone? Are they still phones nowadays? Fuck it.
Phones. Just about the same anyway.
	The kids were on their phones scrolling through memetic imagery like a
hundred years prior back when lead and fluoride and Donald Trump and quantum
computers and oh god think of the children were on people's minds and when
those were the only just about the only things on people's minds no
cognitoviruses no hazards just green grass et cetera. A hundred years prior.
Eugene wasn't there, nor were Eugene's parents, nor grandparents. Eugene's
great grandparents were alive though. Given the plastic content in the
grandparents' bones, Eugene figured the times were not great. But maybe they
were okay. They could have been okay.
	The concrete age.
	Eugene was watching them on their phones. Whatever the fuck those
hipsters used. And Eugene watched the kid on the left, or the right - the one
farthest from the exit - Eugene watched them drop their phone, suddenly, and
tense up. Like getting electrically shocked. All their muscles tightened, their
face got red, their veins got big, like Rob Muscanis doing a dead-lift. Then
the kid passed out. Passed the fuck out. Then the same thing happened to
another kid and slowly as the kids checked what was on each others' phones it
rippled out.
	Cognitohazard. That was what it was called. A memetic cognitohazard.
Sweeping the god damn planet. The Indians and the Koreans both denied it was
them immediately though they were under the closest scrutiny; India in
particular had been known for trying to manufacture cognitohazards for military
use. And all this investigation (in the wrong places) while it took kid after
kid. And killed them! A fucking memetic image.
	That night was when Eugene learned about Antero.
	Antero is an experimental (now not so much) drug aimed at preventing
the formation of new memories for 24 hours after ingestion. It's usually taken
in the morning; available to every class and every body free of charge from the
government not out of nefarious purpose (though that is questioned daily by a
number of folks more than suspicious of the UPK's leadership) but out of a
great need. Without Antero, fuck. Antero turns the permanent death of a
cognitovirus into a temporary absence from the brain of the user. Antero is the
penicillin of the twenty second century. Thank your local god for Antero, then
thank the drug company that came up with it, Gokko (pronounced "gohk koh")
Pharmaceutical. Then, of course, thank the Japanese.
	Eugene took their first Antero the following morning, and by the looks
of Eugene's book of short term memories gone long term gone gone, Eugene had
taken Antero every morning since then, for the past forty years. Well,
thirty-six years technically, thirty six years, three months, and a day. Eugene
figured most people would be afraid to wake up forty years older (especially
given that Eugene was just about reaching UPK life expectancy of sixty-four).
However, Eugene did not have emotions; Eugene was technically a psychopath.
Though this word is antiquated now and will be far more antiquated by the time
this story occurs; psychopathy is not a real diagnosable medical condition,
rather a collection of common attributes, and the term is hampered by a very
strong connotation that psychopaths are violent and compulsively homicidal.
Eugene was neither.
	Eugene's book was written in a somewhat different way from their usual
writing. At least that's what they figured at first look. On first glance, the
entries were scrawled quickly and looked dirtier than their usual work (or
their usual work of forty years' prior). Done so to save time, probably. And
the entries were bulleted and abbreviated. "I went out for dinner with Laura.
She seemed happy and has just gotten engaged to the kind-hearted and hearty
mutual friend of ours Brian." becomes simply "dined with laura. now eng. w/
brian"; "laura" and "brian" both hyperlinks to the relevant written profiles
within Eugene's book (mentioned entry dated January 8 and both profiles updated
automatically with this information at the same time).
	So, what to do today. 21XX-07-01. Go to work at Rogo Corporation. Job
is to supervise the automatic production of electric machetes and rapidly debug
errors. At nine hundred hours, attend meeting determining scope and cause of
formula errors in accounting department, and consequences. Okay. Eugene got out
of bed, went to the bathroom, brushed their teeth, and did other usual
activities similar to one does in the bathroom. Then they put on a
tight-fitting black collared t-shirt, light and thin dark blue jacket, and
black jeans, and walked downstairs to hail a cab to the tallest skyscraper in
their city.
	"Memes", viral thoughts, have existed for millennia. As the time taken
for a thought to circumnavigate the world decreased, the sheer amount of memes
increased. The printing press, telegraph, telephone, television, all
accelerated the travel of memes. However, the mass popularization of the use of
the Internet mainly through the world wide web in the early twenty-first
century predictably spawned an unprecedented environment in which memes could
form, pass through the minds of millions of people, and die, in the span of
hours. This was the perfect petri dish in which cognitoviruses could evolve.
	Cognitoviruses, or memetic cognitohazards, are self-propagating mind
worms that often interfere with the capability of the subject's brain to
accomplish tasks necessary in order to think. The first cognitoviruses were
temporarily distracting and rather harmless; for example, a game where,
whenever one thinks of it, they lose, which is in turn unwinnable unless the
subject never knew of the game in the first place, but of which the subject is
compelled to tell others, is a very classic example (and one that was popular
on the Internet through the mid 2010s). As research into the phenomenon of
cognitohazardous materials and the memetic transmission of cognitohazards
evolved, cognitoviruses were developed and published that began to circulate
through popular communicative Internet services, and soon became a "meme"
themselves.
	It was in the late twenty-first century that a cognitovirus was
developed that was, more or less, lethal, and theorized to be the work of a
state military though the true origin is uncertain. And Antero sat as a
published paper and niche-market drug, usually applied in the treatments of
mental illnesses such as post-traumatic stress disorder or depression. In the
week following the release of the first lethal cognitovirus the usage of
communicative Internet services plummeted, meanwhile Gokko Pharma's valuation
increased fifty-fold. And so the world kept spinning.
	Antero. Eugene needed to take the pill. They were halfway down the
stairs from their rented living space before they remembered and had to walk
back up. On the other side of the bed from where their book was. A blue bottle
with white cap; inside, a dozen or so green pills. Eugene dry-swallowed one and
went back down the stairs to the street to find a driver.

	This is not nearly my best writing. I thought 七月 was June, the
description of Eugene is so bland yet so pseudo-edgy. I like that Eugene uses
gender-neutral pronouns but that was because of my misunderstanding of gender
in which I thought such a thing was ridiculous and everybody should be neutral.
I like the idea of memes as weapons and still think about it - I used to do
stuff like that (and that's all I can say about that). But I think this style
of narration sucks and the world described was excessively bland - intended to
be British but without much subtle charm that colors the otherwise gray world
of England in media. It's nice that my writing's improved so much in 18 months
- or maybe I'm just not divorced far enough by time from what I write in this
blah to see the glaring flaws.

	I'm gonna have to put pipes at the start of the next one's lines
because it's reliant on the structure of the text - I can't just indent each
paragraph and shove it together to indicate relation between segments like I
can when I put random snippets of writing in here.

2021-08-12

|Anonym's journey to the center of the universe
|
|	began on 31 september 2021 in the town of little rock maine. anonym
| went to a big franchised or whatever drugstore to buy a coca cola. then they
| went to check out but they noticed no registers were open. yet the store was
| still open, and there was a worker there striding around the registers
|
|	"hi, I'd like to check out please" anonym
|	Worker: "Yes, that's for what I'm here."
|	"well, ah, where should i pay for my cola?" anonym
|	Worker: "Please use the self-checkouts."
|	"i don't really understand how to use the automatons" anonym
|	Worker: "Yes, that's for what I'm here
|		I'm here to show you how to use the self-checkouts."
|	"alright" anonym
|
|	anonym learned to use the automatons to complete transactions
|
|	"so, what do you think of coca cola? what sodas do you like?" anonym
|	Worker: "I don't know. I drink any beverage."
|	"you don't have a preference? even something you like more than others?" anonym
|	Worker: "No."
|
| anonym left the store and continued their journey to the center of the
| universe

	That one was basically just a transcript of an interaction I had at my
local CVS. I hate my local CVS.

2021-03-05

The Journey
	Kenan Gleick woke up on a Tuesday morning, in a town neither you nor I
have heard of, Michigan, to a soft roar emanating from outside the room in
which was the bed in which he'd apparently slept. He recognized neither the
bed, nor the room, nor the view outside the window, nor, upon putting on the
clothes in the mahogany bureau next to the bed (business-casual khakis, a pair
of sneakers, and a black "Thanks for the toast!" tee shirt) and looking up at
the mirror above the bureau, himself.
	He pocketed a cheap multitool on top of the bureau. He knew who he had
once been - a cashier at a local supermarket - but it didn't seem relevant to
who he was now. His palms had worn since he'd last seen them. He crossed the
hardwood flooring and opened the white door before entering a hall, painted a
diseased maroon, to find what appeared to be a handyman or some other sort of
contract laborer grinding through the drywall with a rotary saw. The man turned
off the blade and stared at Kenan. "That room was just empty."
	"Sorry." Kenan quickly walked into what was marked as a stairwell and
treaded down the stairs until he came to the sign indicating the ground floor,
where he broke into a jog and quickly made it outside the hotel before anyone
could ask any questions.

	I remember thinking about this one but I don't know what it was gonna
be about. This is also probably the earliest piece of writing I have saved on
my computer. There are really old ones that maybe I'll dig out at some point
but I've already pasted three here for today and I can only bear so much
embarrassment at the writing of my 17 year old self.

	The trinity.moe/blah chronological cut must be so confusing to watch!

	I found an ancient blog of mine from when I was a kid.

2016-04-09

	Today we didn't have school because it's Saturday. I went to one of my
friend's birthday parties, [...]'s, to be exact, and I got him a Nerf Elite
Dual-Strike. It was a Nerf party, by the way, and it's no mystery of whether
Han or Greedo shot first. I did. I also met up with my (old) friend, [...], and
shot him. It was kinda boring today altogether though.

2016-04-11

	School was nothing special today. I've been trying to think of a
YouTube video to make. I've been getting vlogger's block. It's weird. Also, I
heard of something I think everybody should check out - a petition asking
Blizzard to stop trying to sue Nostalrius. Sign it! Please!

2016-04-16

	I didn't post anything for the week, since I was so busy with school,
but now it's April vacation so I can blog all I want. My favorite Minecraft
server, play.prxcraft.net, is shutting down on the 20th.

2016-05-24

	I've been busy this month. It's just too much, especially with
volunteering and all the other crap our school makes us do. Meh. Another day,
another blog. Another Weebly site to watch is AnimeFreak. Weebly's doing
something stupid so that entire sentence was linked. Enjoy.
	EDIT: I linked the word now. Just the word. DEAL WITH IT.

	Somewhere along the way, probably inspired by Paul Graham's blog, I
learned it's less interesting to write about what you /do/ (unless what you do
is absolutely fascinating, which most of the time it is not) and more
interesting to write about what you're /thinking/.

	About a month after these I started on a webcomic which had the writing
quality of CtrlAltDel and a slightly better art quality than Arson Comics. It
had various unfunny jokes about virtual reality (which I had not yet tried),
self driving cars (which did not yet exist), arcade machines that could play
every video game ever made (which I didn't know existed), and the usual
violence-as-a-punchline, a hallmark of 00s and 10s webcomics.
	My favorite webcomics were xkcd (which I discovered at the time Vodka
was published - 2015-05-22, I guess) and MegaTokyo (which I discovered on
xkcd's site footer). MegaTokyo taught me leetspeek and a ton of weaboo culture,
and I still love the common fantasy of being stranded in a metropolitan area
and being forced to just Figure It Out. Later I also read TwoKinds, Savestate,
Junior Scientist Power Hour, and others.

	I would be thoroughly shocked if I found anything older than 2014 that
I could paste onto here. My life only really began when I turned 18, anyway.


/blah/2023-01-04.html

	Karl and Will watched Captain James Cook sit in his recliner, seeming
to deliberate. An intravenous line was slung over the armrest from the back of
the chair into Cook's arm and he sat, catatonic, drool dripping past his bottom
lip, eyes wide open. Both of them knew he neither cared about what they said
nor was physically able to hear them. Behind them a small porthole window let
them see into the depths of outer space.
	Will finished his thought and verbalized it. "So, like, what's he
thinking about?"
	Karl: "What?"
	"He's on tranqs or something. Is he thinking about the ship?"
	Karl turned to Will. "Are you new here or something?"
	"What! I'm just asking a question."
	"Did you go to school?"
	"Yeah."
	"Did you graduate?"
	"Well... no."
	"Yeah." Karl gestured to the thin tube. "That's a drug cocktail of both
stimulants and paralytics. The chair measures his vitals and keeps him alive
while he can use all of his brain to think about what moves to make next."
	Will reexamined the chair from where he stood. "Why can't he just think
normally?"
	"I just said. He can but this lets him use more of his noggin. The dude
is basically doing six dimensional chess up in there. A good captain will
figure out the next thousand years' moves in advance, I've heard."
	"I don't envy him."

	Captain James Cook stood on a featureless white plane under a black
starless sky, using a rod of wax to mark the ground in red. Taking into account
all of the nearby cosmic entities - the rocks and dust and occasional dwarf -
he charted out the next hundred years' plan, then the hundred after that, then
the hundred after that. The landscape around him turned pink as he marked the
hours to make up the days to make up the months to make up the years.

	An alarm sounded. Karl and Will ran to their respective stations. The
chair began to rouse the Captain for the emergency.

	James had finished year 963 when he started sliding down the smooth
surface. His naked body smeared the red wax on the floor as the floor smeared
it on him and after rolling for a couple seconds he was finally kicked off the
ground into the ether. Floating in space, he assumed the posture of sitting in
a chair so that his carriage back into physicality would be less violent. Then
like a dog pushed off a cliff he was back in his seat, chin wet, looking
through the porthole towards his previous home; outsideness.

2022-09-16

Bookworm
	I looked for a moment at a painting above the stairs and their bronze
railing. It had an elaborate painting of a symbol that resembled a Cyrillic "Щ".
	"Alright, let's go." I gestured to the stairs.
	"What? Why?" Aaron walked through one of the dozen or so aisles of
shelves, each packed with books up to the height of his shoulder. The room we
were in encompassed the full third floor of the cylindrical tomb to which we
were tourists, lit brightly by incandescent lamps and only incandescent lamps.
There were no windows nor would there be anything of interest past the glass if
there were.
	"You said there would be one or two people here to meet us." Aaron
raised a hand on which he was raising his index finger but I interrupted him.
"If there's nobody to meet us for what's essentially a distress call, from this
'living vault' which I'd call a crypt, what got to them first? Whatever it was,
I don't wanna meet it."
	"Everything here is visible. There are no places to hide, or hide a
body." At that, I scanned the ceiling but it was just uniform brick. "I don't
know where they went, but we've looked around, and there's nothing here. I
don't see why you'd be so unnerved." I wasn't unnerved – at least I didn't
think I was visibly so. On the other side of the room, which wasn't terribly
big, though it was of a reasonable size for a small library, a hardwood board
under the tightly woven carpet let out a muffled squeak. A cheap bell rattled.
Judging by the look on Aaron's face, I had given him a death glare, but after
he looked down his aisle he relaxed. "It's a cat."
	I slowly stepped over to his aisle of books and there, on the other end
of the row, was a black and white cat with a red collar. I said the first thing
that came to my mind. "Its head is too big."
	Aaron looked at me but I kept looking at the cat. "'Its head is too
big'?" The cat's head kept extending and growing. Whatever reaction I had
caused Aaron to turn back to the cat. "Oh, fuck."
	The cat's fur grew sparse as its skin stretched wide and its head
turned a slow spiral into an upside-down position before its forehead grew
fangs and its former lips fused together. Its eyes widened and became
humanlike. The creature must have been three meters long with a serpentine head
but cat-sized body at the end, away from us. Its fangs were what peeked of a
mouth and that mouth opened its wide jaw and began to speak in a deep rumble of
a voice. "I."
	I slowly reached for and silently unbuttoned the clasp on my knife
while maintaining my stare at the creature. Aaron, probably close enough to the
thing to smell it if it had a smell, trembled slightly but enough that I
noticed. I wished I hadn't gone into this damn grave without my lighter but it
was confiscated by Aaron's parents (also the governing body of this archive –
built to withstand a nuclear blast, so humanity had a "damn fine base from
which to regrow their knowledge" – Aaron's mother's words, not mine). It wasn't
something I didn't understand – I too long for a first edition Origin of
Species sometimes after one or two glasses of wine at night, and have to page
through Sotheby's catalog in order to talk myself out of bidding the next time
one's stolen out of East Germany, but if there was truly some new Dracula or
Frankenstein – aside from the books, that is – hidden in these rows, I'd be
willing to burn down a lot more than some paper or even myself to make sure it
never saw the light of day.
	Aaron finally spoke. "Hello?"
	The creature tore a tentacle underneath the cat's chest and swung it up
above its head, morphing it into a fleshy wreath-like structure, almost like a
set of antlers. Its head and tentacle, I noticed, bent backward as they
stretched up, to keep its center of gravity below its paws. I realized what it
was doing, forming a fractal construct of flesh and the gaps between around its
head, as a second tentacle tore through the fur on the cat's back. "Aaron. Back
away towards me."
	The creature's eyes, bigger now, blue, turned towards me. It rumbled
and finally spoke, something: "Apart from the one fundamental nastiness-" it
made a gargling noise "-nineteenth century suffering from toothache." It thrust
its tentacle towards Aaron and he turned and ran for the stairs, to which I
also started running. The creature began to scream in a cacophony of fifty
voices. Aaron and I got to the end of the stairway and ran across the second
floor (fiction) to its descending stairs. I didn't take the time to look behind
myself.
	When we got to the bottom-most level of the vault Aaron ran to the
telephone next to the stone arch exit, currently leading to a brick wall, and
rang the operator as I turned to face his six and saw the monster, with the
body of a cat, the face of a (for lack of better description) werewolf, and the
two tentacles of a void, approaching, by morphing its appendages into some sort
of shape that could grip onto the stone bricks of the ceiling. By the time it
had climbed its way to the center of the room the vault started violently
twisting and the centrifugal force threw me and Aaron against the wall. The
beast staggered but hunkered down, moving its body towards the ceiling. The
black oily tentacles spread out into the bricks like they were Play-Doh shoved
into a fine mesh.
	The door next to us opened up and we made our way across the wall to
which we were pinned and fell through. We yelled to the engineers to keep it
twisting and the portal slid shut behind us.
	Aaron's father, Robert Arsenault, in his signature suit and green tie,
jogged down the freshly painted hall to meet us and the operator of his billion
dollar vault. Aaron and I were smoking, to Robert's chagrin, and against the
advice of Jamie Simon, who was almost as well known as Robert but in different
fields. In fact, the design of the library was officially called the Simon
Machine, and used novel mechanisms to rotate an entire cylindrical building on
its base as an extremely overkill locking mechanism so no unauthorized entities
could get in. I wasn't briefed on the details, or, well, I was, but I didn't
have the three PhDs necessary to understand any of it.
	A vent softly pumped air from the surface. Technically our location
wasn't supposed to be made known to the lackeys but Aaron said it was somewhere
in Peru.
	"What the hell was that?"
	Aaron tapped his cigarette on the previously empty ashtray next to
Jamie's keyboard. "I dunno."
	Robert thrust a pointed finger into Aaron's face. "You don't know? An
animal got into my library and neither of you can even tell what the fuck it
was? Do you even know how many legs it had?"
	Aaron seemed to have the same idea I had; Robert could figure out what
the thing was without our help. He wouldn't believe us if we told him what we
saw.

	Unfinished! A shame, too. I think that one could have been pretty good.
Maybe sometime I'll write a middle and ending.


/blah/2023-01-03.html

2022-12-07

I don't think about thinking, I just think it
	and I think even when I can't think about anything else
	I think about my thoughts about the day it left me
	and I think about it I can't think about anything else
I think about Venus and the moon and the sun
	and I think about when they came and killed everyone
	I think about the last time us two had some fun
	and I think about when we came and killed everyone
The sky is falling off the mountains
	and sirens filling my brain
	and the smoke attack the smoke grenades
	the blood in the lane
	the sky is on the edge of the earth
	and there are cracks in the night
	and the SWAT team and the G-men
	and the federal fight

2022-10-08

1
The one hun dred me ter sprint .
.
.
.
.
2
and it's you that's dead in last .
.
.
.
.
3
When . will you just ad mit . .
.
.
.
.
4
You aren't win ning in this lap .
.
.
.
.
5
You mean no  thing .  to   me .
I'm try  ing .     my best .  .
.
.
.
6
You're a  hu   man .    dis ease  .
And    my best is  good e   nough .
.
.
.
7
I     gave it all  to you .   .
Leave me   a  lone .  I'm tir ed
.
.
.
8
And then you   just col lapsed . .
of  this stuff .    .   .      . .
.
.
.
9
You di dn't go   for the gold .
I   ne ver  went for the gold .
I   .  .    went for the gold .
.
.
10
You went for the sil ver . .
I   went for the sil ver . .
And I    got the sil ver . .
.
.
11
And now  you're get ting old    . .
And now  I'm    get ting old    . .
I'm look ing    at  the  bronze . .
.
.
12
And   my   hair is  tur ning sil ver
And   your hair is  tur ning sil ver
Throw my   me   dal in  the  ri  ver
.
.
13
. How could you do this to me?
. How could I   do this to you?
. Is  it    hap pi ness I  seek?
.
.
14
. Keep me      out  of   the  .  loop
. I    thought I    made it   ea sy
. All  this    time I've been so sad
.
.
15
. And at the end  of the day
. And at the end  of the day
. I'm so god damn in com plete
.
.
16
. I   lost out  in  the  race .
. You lost out  in  the  race .
. I   want what you guys have .
.
.

	A lot of what I do is foreshadowed by other stuff I do. Before Blang
(still in development and not even publicly released) was the configuration
system for ytfeed, which was weird in some areas. The behavior was mostly due
to side effects. Then Usagi, a similar fantasy computer but with much loftier
goals than Blang which never really came to fruition. When it came to making an
RSS feed reader, after ytfeed.py (which started as a proof of concept out of
boredom using some Python RSS module or something) sort of collapsed from
technical debt (look, I can use buzzwords too) I really wanted to take
ytfeed.sh and expand it to be more UNIXy and KISSy but lost motivation. I had a
couple attempts after that such as "awdri", which has one feed.py file with:

#!/usr/bin/env python

config = [
        "feed_dir": "/home/trinity/awdri/Feeds"
]

	But I don't even know what that was gonna be. Eventually I came up with
pigfeed which is a half-decent base for an RSS feed reader, I think. Plus its
model and design are delightful though undercooked.

2022-10-21

The End of the World, And What Happened Next
1.
	"Put your money in the wishing well, and your wish may well come true."
The beggar turned to me, his rotted teeth spitting through the phrase.
	"The wishing well?" I looked into the field behind him. I didn't see
any well.
	"It's not a &lt;I&gt;real&lt;/I&gt; well. It's a wallet number. Put in
a coin and reap good luck for the rest of your life." He handed me the business
card of a preacher in the church across the street behind us. On the back was a
hexadecimal wallet code, 512-bit – a legacy address, scrawled in ballpoint. I
could hardly make out the 1s from 7s or the 4s from 9s. I put it in my shirt
pocket.
	"An entire coin? I thought beggars usually wanted a fiver or tenner?"
	He stared into me with orange eyes. Tattooed irises, probably to go
with his hair. "It's not my wallet. Wanna miss out?" He waved his arms out.
"Your loss!"
2.
	Simon was sitting at his desk filling forms when he saw kamisama from
his upstairs window. She disappeared into the forest across the street. He
quickly ran downstairs into the trees to find her sitting on a stump at a
stream, brushing her hair.
	"Where have you been? I haven't heard you in days." Simon started to
retie his right shoe which was too loose. "Are you avoiding me?"
	Kamisama spoke quietly. "They're trying to take me away."
	Simon finished the bunny ears and double knotted it. "Who?"
	"I don't know. But I'm disappearing."
	Simon sat on the stump. "Is it me? We knew this might happen eventually."
	Kamisama shook her head. "No, we can't part yet. I don't want you
blindly leading yourself. Someone is doing this to you."
-1.
	"I don't know what's worth putting a coin in an anonymous wallet, but
whatever it is, I don't need it anyway." I started to walk away.
	He yelled behind me. "Fine! You just ignored the best opportunity of
your life!" I kept walking.


/blah/2023-01-02.html

	Ted wandered off as he heard sirens approach the crumbling office. His
office was a part of a sparse lot of buildings in the sparse tundra of
Underhelm, a small town on the outskirts of Dance City. The nearest neighbor to
his office, a tall but sterile, empty building, simply concrete, glass,
insulation, drywall, and plenty of carpet and flammable internal bits to start
a blaze, had a sign advertising its potential as a center of operations or call
center or something business or another that Ted didn't have the capacity to
care about.
	He didn't know where he got the jerrycan, and didn't know how it still
had any petrol in it, not to mention how it was still full. Ted kicked down the
fashionable but laughably flimsy double doors to the office, then the next pair
of doors past the entryway. The interior looked like it would look really good
if it was set on fire. Ted angled the can to pour a thin stream of gasoline as
he walked from room to room on the ground floor. He admired the new-car smell,
the gasoline aroma, the new-wall scent, the benzene draw, the new tables and
chairs and light fixtures and Cisco-branded IP phones and the pattern on the
carpet and the sharp geometry of the modernist architecture and soon he was
back in the lobby, having completed a loop. Like a soldier, he turned
anticlockwise and continued out of the building, carving a petroleum circle
into the dead grass surrounding the lifeless vessel.
	Ted struggled with his lighter. It was a disposable Bic that was nearly
out of butane. After a minute of clicking he was able to get a flame for a
moment and lit the gas trail. He watched the little bead of entropy follow the
path and split out into three, two following the circle and one cautiously
approaching the edifice. The brush and the building caught fire over a period
of a couple minutes and the fire roared to life.
	"Must not have been up to code, that." Ted whispered to himself. "Quite
a lot of form, though. Now it finally serves a function."


/blah/2023-01-01.html

2022-12-31

	221231_2107.wav

	[21:07] Well I'm in New York for the first time in my life, so I
figured I'd take a moment and do a, a bona fide audio blog- a- audio, what is
that, an aog? I dunno. Because, uh, there ain't no way I'm gonna get a chance
to sit down and type this, um, my first thought, uh, approaching New York, was
"My God, the city smells like soy sauce!" and it might have been the car. It
might have been me. I dunno. But uh, now I'm- now I'm here. Um, it took a
little while to get here. I was gonna plan to meet up with, uh,
	[21:08] an acquaintance from back in- back in the /bpg/ days, when that
was a thing, um, but that sort of fell through. That's okay, another time. Um,
so I'm basically in the city now and I'm basically just walking around, um,
I've never been to New York City before. At one corner I saw a bunch of trash,
spilled, just like, a shrine to- a shrine to garbage. Shrine to- shrine to
waste. Um, I thought that was funny. I'm not taking a lot of pictures because,
	[21:09] pictures? Who needs pictures? Also my phone doesn't have a lot
of battery, and I could plug it in but I can't even find a goddamn place to
stand around, there are all these signs saying no standing any time? I have no
clue how you could forbid standing. Um, I see city bike things but I don't know
how to use these damn things. Um, but I guess I could bike if I figured them
out, but then I'd be bicycling, and that wouldn't be a whole lot better than
walking when I wanna take a pause. So, I dunno. But it would be nice to get
around the city a little bit faster. But I'm sorta- I'm sorta just taking it
in. Because this is wild. It's uh, it's smaller
	[21:10] than I expected from what my grandpa said but it's about what I
expected from what I thought, um, and it's raining and the streets are slick,
but for, towards the chilliest part of the year, it really ain't too bad around
here. I guess that's the uh, the 2022 New Year's- New Year's Eve heat wave or
whatever from our storm, a little bit prior, um, really washed away all the
snow, but yeah
	&lt;"hey yeah"
	y'know, and uh-
	&lt;"Hey."
	Hey. 'Sup.
	&lt;"How are you doing?"
	Doing well, how 'bout you?
	&lt;[unintelligible]
	What?
	&lt;"You're very beautiful, what's your name?"
	Uh, Trinity, how 'bout you?
	&lt;"Huh?"
	Trinity, what's your name?
	[21:11]&lt;"Najeem."
	What?
	&lt;"Najeem."
	Najeem?
	&lt;"That's a nice name."
	Thank you.
	&lt;"Whatcha doing tonight?"
	Ah, y'know, just walkin' around.
	&lt;"Uh, you live over here?"
	Nah, I live in Maine.
	&lt;"Upstate? Oh, you got a hotel here?"
	Uh, yeah, I'm staying in a, uh, staying nearby.
	&lt;"Uh, have you ever had a, like, have you ever had a big black dick?"
	Huh?
	&lt;"Have you ever had a big black dick?"
	Nah.
	&lt;"Would you like that?"
	Nah.
	&lt;"You should try it. You might like it."
	Y'know, maybe some other time, I'm sorta just here visiting family.
	&lt;"Alright, well I need you to give me some head real quick. Before
you go."
	I don't think I will.
	&lt;"You don't have no choice."
	Nah, I don't think I will.
	&lt;"I'm a murderer, you know that?"
	Alright.
	&lt;"I'm joking. Have a good night."
	Uh huh. You too.
	Well, that was something. But that's New York. Still got my wallet.
Still got my keys.
	[21:12] Still got my compass. Still got my phone. But, that was... huh.
Anyway. So, wait, I should probably say that, what he said again, because I
don't know if it it came through but he said [...] yeah. I dunno. Y'know, it's
nice to be desired. That guy was gonna chop me up into pieces but it's nice to
be desired. Y'know, I have very low standards. [...]
	[21:13] So now I'm walking back where I came. "Duane Reade by
Walgreens". I wonder what that is. Um, [...], honestly if he didn't say that,
if he just asked politely, I probably would have. Um, but y'know. I should
probably check myself out for trackers later but.
	[21:14] ... I like the- I like the ambience of the city. The honk honk.
The sirens that echo across the street. That really fill the- fill the noise
up, with harsh shrill, but only for a little bit, then it returns back to the
quiet ring-a-ding, buzz-a-buzz. There's a lot more people on these tricycle
sort of things, that can
	[21:15] carry people. I, I never saw one before I went here. And
there's some buses, and apparently there's a Niel Diamond Broadway show or
something. And yeah, I'm pretty much taking turns at random. This must be an
Oakley shop or something. But uh, y'know, it's peaceful. And tonight's New
Year's Eve, and uh, probably not gonna be able to see the ball drop. Because I
would need to get in a huge crowd and be searched and wouldn't be able to use
the bathroom, yadda yadda yadda. And I ain't really,
	[21:16] I'd rather just chill out. I like goin' to the places where the
people aren't, because usually the interesting things are the things not seen
by everybody. Are there any public bathrooms in New York? Also I definitely
went this way already. I uh, I went to a pizza place, and I think I got the
wrong order. But they said something to me, and I didn't quite understand it,
because it was in Spanish and, I mean, I- I can pick out some phrases, like I
can recognize what you're
	[21:17] speakin', I can recognize the language, but I cannot translate
especially on the fly so I just stared blankly at them and then they laughed
and it wasn't what I ordered but it was alright pizza. "Psychic readings"? "$10
special"? Are these the psychic readings?
	&lt;"Yes."
	Oh, cool.

	221231_2120.wav

	[21:20] That psychic reading was almost completely wrong, but, it's fun
to do it. I wonder how they come up with these things. Uh, they said I don't
usually speak my mind, which is untrue, usually take responsibility for things,
which is true, um, I do what I want when I want, which is true, but, I don't
sleep as well as I used to, which, I sleep probably better than I ever have.
But, y'know, that's fun. They don't have anything like that in Maine. Walking
through some scaffolding now. This is- "sprinkler fire department connection",
y'know I wonder how they design big buildings like this, I wonder how they add
to them. But not enough to actually look it up
	[21:21] because it's probably really boring. ... Oh, gone in a circle
again, but, it's fun. Um, I'd like to get up, to a position where I can see the
ball drop, but I don't think that's gonna happen. Sorta just walking around.
	[21:22] I can see ah, Radio City Music Hall, which, my grandmother went
to Radio City Music Hall, when she was a lass, and, she was disturbed by the,
uh, frivolous fragrant- the fragrant pandering to the male gaze. That's how I
would describe it. That's probably not how she would describe it, but, it's
about what she said.
	[21:23] All the songs playing are songs about New York. But we're in
New York. Um, something something simulacrum? I dunno, I never read
Baudrillard. Probably just gonna keep going down this street. Uh, passing
West 48th, this is, what, oh, Avenue of the Americas, that's pretty cool.
	[21:24] Do I have any other cool things I've observed in New York City?
Not really. It's very rainy and there's not a lot to do when it's raining. You
can duck under things, sure, but, only for the moment. I suppose you could do
so for a longer moment but, I don't know. I'm a stranger in a strange land.
When in Rome, do as Romans do. And they ain't doing that. But they are tooting
horns very loudly.
	&lt;"Five dollars, five dollars, five dollars. Five dollars. Five
dollars."
	[21:25] When I, uh, when I went to do that palm reading, uh, I put a
twenty dollar bill down on the slightly wet but mostly covered table, um and, I
thought this would go straight down. Well I'll walk back then. Um, I was like
"You got change for a 20?" because it was a $10 palm reading and they were
like, er- well, not really a palm reading, more like a psychic prediction, and
I said- and they said "No, but I can do a full palm reading for uh, for $40."
And I said "Can you do a half palm reading, for $20?" And they said no but then
they said they felt bad and they'd give me a partial palm reading.
	[21:26] So I did get a half palm reading, for $20 - a bargain in New
York City. ... I love languages, but I'm not much of a people person. I guess
I'm more cut out for linguistics than actual translation. Ah, it's a little
apple because it's the big apple. Um,
	[21:27] yeah. There's a Major League Baseball store, I guess. I didn't
expect so much litter. I also expected the air to be a lot worse, um, one of my
friends who went here said you feel a lot more tired after walking in New York
than in Maine but I think it's because the weed is a lot stronger here.
	[21:28] And he was probably blazing up. Alright, recording off.


/blah/2022-12-31.html

2022-04-19

Snippets from /home/trinity/homepage/computer.html

	Hello and welcome to the world of computing.
	This guide is intended to take you from a cursory or completely
nonexistent knowledge of how computers work or even what a computer is to an
understanding with which you're comfortable.
	As this guide will go on the manner of language will shift from
conversational and casual to more formal and technical; this is because these
earlier sections are more like learning to ride a bike, where you won't easily
forget the basics, but the later sections are more like learning to build a
bike, where you may need to reference the manual later.
	This is also a perpetually unfinished document, please refer to the
&lt;I&gt;updated&lt;/I&gt; date as its version if your citation format permits it.
	To start, let's run over some basic terminology.
	Many of these terms are ambiguous and will be better specified later.
The Monitor
	The monitor (term taken from the verb &lt;I&gt;monitor&lt;/I&gt;), or screen
(term taken from the verb &lt;I&gt;screen&lt;/I&gt;), is a raster display unit your
computer controls. In some manner, which depends on the technology your monitor
uses, there is being displayed some sort of content that your computer has
generated. It may be these very words. Monitors are usually interchangeable but
sometimes entire computers can be included in the monitor unit itself, the
concept of which is known as &lt;I&gt;all-in-one computer units&lt;/I&gt; because
all components of the computer except input devices are in the same place (the
monitor assembly).
	It's possible your computer doesn't have a monitor. Possibly, you're
using a teletypewriter, which prints text output onto paper using ink, though
this is unlikely as they were obsoleted fifty years ago in favor of "glass
teletypes" (&lt;I&gt;glass&lt;/I&gt; here refers to the glass tube of a cathode ray
tube monitor). Possibly, you're using assistive technologies and aren't sighted.
Or maybe you're making this entire document up and are in a dream. There are
many ways to use computers that &lt;I&gt;don't&lt;/I&gt; involve monitors but seeing
as they're so common-place there's a very good likelihood you are indeed using
one.
The Key-board
	The keyboard is how many people input text into their computer. There
are many types of keyboards. Most people use standard QWERTY (named such after
the first five alphabetical runes that appear on the board) keyboards, where
each button is one symbol and perhaps there are special buttons that change the
meaning of the other buttons. There are also &lt;I&gt;chorded&lt;/I&gt; keyboards,
where each &lt;I&gt;combination&lt;/I&gt; (or chord, like on a piano) of keys
represents a symbol.
	Possibly, you're not using a keyboard at all, and are instead using
assistive technologies such as speech recognition.

	My intent with the computer guide was to emphasize atypical but
important interfaces between user and machine, to make the guide relevant to
every single person who would read the guide. Making a guide only for those who
are sighted, hearing, have feeling in their fingertips, can read small text, is
ridiculous and limits the audience far too much. Accessibility is the future
absolutely.

	0908 In the car on the way to New York City.
	1135 Still in the car

	I'm still getting over having my desktop Fx on my phone. It's glitchy
as hell but it works. Like, damm!

	A crowd had formed outside of the building, in the parking lot. Ted
stood with his hands in his pockets and tie blowing in the slight breeze
watching the blaze.
	Out of the crowd a single black (trousers) and white (shirt) figure
emerged. He walked tensely to Ted and stood in front of him. Ted's blank gaze
stayed looking through his boss to the fire.
	"Ted, you piece of shit." The boss, a lanky mam of roughly the same
height as Ted whose name escaped memory, sprayed a small droplet of saliva
on Ted's collar, which bothered Ted. Ted looked at his shoes pointing to his
boss's. "You're fired -" Ted smiled "- of course, and we'll see what the
authorities do when they arrive."
	Ted's wife emerged from the crowd in the same attire. She looked roughly
like Ted - plain beyond words - with a softer face and longer hair. "Hey, Ron,
we're all a little stressed. Look at him. He's snapped. That's not Ted anymore.
Take it easy and we'll let the EMTs take a look."
	Ron brushed Ted's wife's chin with his finger and had a look in his eye
that confused Ted. "Alright Minerva. I- I'm not sure what we're gonna do," he
turned towards the office, "about all this." This was the first time Ted had
seen his boss stutter.
	"We'll get on."
	Without waiting for any authorities to arrive, Ron found his car in the
parking lot and got in. Minerva got into the passenger's seat without prompt.
Ted listened but didn't watch as the car started and then rolled out of the
lot. He watched the smoke billow out of the windows.
	Ted whispered to himself. "Arson time."

	1458 Arrived at Manhattan


/blah/2022-12-30.html

	I occasionally write blahposts a day in advance. And who will stop me?

[10:14 AM] Daruna_: Have y'all seen the [...] circle?
[10:14 AM] Daruna_: https://meetcircle.com/
[...]
[10:28 AM] Segmentation fault: in any case, not only is this parental fascism,
                               i assume they log literally all data on your
                               home network considering you're giving them
                               access to it
[10:39 AM] Daruna_: I've never heard the term parental fascism before, but I
                    kinda fuck with it. They're a lot of fascistic normalized
                    behaviors in parenting that are just straight up abuse.
[...]
[10:50 AM] meatgrinder #1 hypocrite: you two.... It's called SAFETY

	"Parental fascism" is a pretty good term for it, I think. Parents get
goaded into tracking their kids, because tracking kids makes money for the
people for the people doing the tracking. It normalizes the feeling of being
surveilled - a comfort blanket made out of eyes and ears. I was gonna say more
but I just realized I don't have anything new to bring to this, so who cares.

	I found something in /home/trinity/bak/Documents/dog.odt:

2021-06-21

I would like to become a dog

	I have been housesitting the residence of the family of a friend of
mine who are all currently vacationing (specific activity unknown) in Florida
right now in 2021 (- he and his company are all vaccinated against the current
pandemic). His family, particularly his mother and aunt, take care of three
well-behaved and often adorable dogs whom I shant name for their (the dogs' and
the family's) privacy, and the responsibility fell to me, which was at first
exciting in a bad way but is now boring in a good way. I care not only for but
about the dogs, and I like to think they care about me though they are
incapable of ever caring for me in quite the same way. But even if they don't,
it doesn't matter. They still behave, still go outside when I'd like them to
please urinate on the grass and not the hardwood floor, and still will sleep
next to me if not for companionship then for warmth. I am okay with this.
	Essentially, I am a robot (in the sense that my actions to take care of
the dogs is automatic, and that I don't need significant input nor pay) in
servitude to these dogs – it's not that I mind, of course; I do love these dogs
even if they may not love me (are dogs capable of sentient love?). And this
concept is interesting. They essentially live in their paradise; they go
outside every 2-3 hours (whenever they move around usually it's because they'd
like to move around outside) and exercise their bodily functions out there when
need be, they play with each other and at least seem to have intellectual
stimulation out in the back yard, and they all get as much water as they want
and two get food whenever they want (the larger one has a stricter diet of two
cups of more wholesome food in the morning and at night). They are in heaven
and I am the robot that serves them. When I am off-line, others are there to
serve them. When others are off-line, even others will serve them. I would like
to be a dog.
	Though, specifically, I would like to be a being that has its physical
needs met always and that is intellectually stimulated with equal peers with
which to interract. Why is this not possible? Robots certainly exist, and
certainly there is enough food in the world to feed everybody who needs food,
and certainly with wastewater recycling and other means of conserving the
environment there could be enough water for everyone, and it's not hard to make
a bathroom fit for humans (just make sure it's not where they eat), and it's
not hard to make this a suburban reality (for contact with both nature and
peers), and intellectual stimulation can be provided by peers and by the
environment. With automation, anyone can be a dog. Yet it seems like only the
wealthy are dogs. But dogs don't spend money! What need do they have for
overabundant wealth?
	God Damn Capitalism.	

	Alright, it's now actually 2022-12-30. I wanted to save my New Year's
Eve thoughts for New Year's Eve just in case I have something useful to say.
Unlikely.

	I'm probably gonna formally give up on Arson Comics (&lt;arson.pisskink.org&gt;)
because it's hard to follow up on it and I think the writing was somewhat poor
from the get go. I'll try to write a successor, bit by bit, in this blah.

	Ted walked through the wasteland of his former workplace as it burned.
He could smell the sweet benzene in the gasoline that had begun to ignite and
feel the summer heat, the artificial heat, his artificial heat from his embers.
Lucid yet still almost in a drunk trance he paced from the stairs to the door
as his co-workers rushed around him to get out of the burning building. A siren
called in the distance.
	He recalled himself as he left the office building. Someone - Todd? -
grabbed him "How could you do this?!"
	Ted only knew what he had just done as a dream or very distant memory.
"What?" He seemed to, almost as though he was a computer or automaton, reset to
his known state. "I'm Ted." He smiled a weak, nervous smile. "I love my job."

	Every once in a while I write program code that I think is truly
brilliant - difficult to figure out, but once I have, I'm amazed at how well it
works. Then I realize it doesn't work.

	hubris (noun) - hyoo͞′brĭs
1.	Overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance.
2.	Excessive pride, presumption or arrogance (originally toward the gods).
3.	overbearing pride or presumption
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition.

	I hate it when blogs use Substack because I know it's gonna annoy me
with a cookie banner or e-mail popup or whatever. Tosu gets my e-mail and only
Tosu's Substack because she's really cool. If I don't know you you aren't
getting my e-mail /even though it's public/ because if you're asking you're
probably going to send me things I don't care about. Medium is much, much
worse. Just get a website and learn HTML. Right-click this page and hit "view
source"! It's not pretty but at least it doesn't ask for your e-mail.

                        Discover more from TRINITY'S BLAH
                       give me e-mail for e-mail purposes!
          _____________________________________________   ______
         |                                             | |Submit|
         `---------------------------------------------' `------'

	I'm glad to have such strange friends who would probably give me their
e-mail if I had an input box on this page, but maybe that's a testament to how
similarly strange I am. 「ヤバイ」は補足。

	And now today's the Eve of the New Year. 0319. But I wanted to share
this cool link here:
&lt;https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:SSTV_sunset_audio.ogg&gt;
	This is my favorite photo of a sunset.


/blah/2022-12-29.html

	One time when I was a kid I woke up with a shit ton of goo on my chest.
It was greenish and watery and when I went downstairs and washed it off I
realized there were three holes etched through my skin to the right of my left
breast, in the shape of an acute triangle if its corners were placed by a
drunkard. I went to the hospital and they said something like the dermal
structure (I could be misremembering this phrase) was gone. I had to, a couple
times a day for the next week, disinfect it with povidone iodine and then apply
an antibiotic so it wouldn't get infected. I still have the scar though it's
blotchy and faded now.
	This must have been June or July 2021. In between the changing of the
bandage and house-sitting for a friend I wrote something about the serenity of
being a dog, which I will share if I find, and a paper about the implementation
of and different implementations of POSIX cat(1) which now lives at
&lt;be.murderu.us/unix#posix#cat(1)&gt;. At the time I thought both were good
but now I think neither are. Something to improve I suppose.
	My way of writing was popping a can of Moxie, sitting down with a
laptop (my Thinkpad X200 Tablet), and laying down exactly what I thought.
Structure be damned! Little has changed. Occasionally I'd fire up the friend's
new PS5 and play Astro's Playroom, a delightful technical demonstration of the
PS5's hardware and showcase of the DualSense controller which was so good I
ordered one myself that week, even though I didn't have a PlayStation. Sitting
there, a cold can of pop and a hole in my chest and enjoying the bleeding edge
of consumer grade video game technology, I wasn't quite happy, but at least I
was distracted.


/blah/2022-12-28.html

	Get up doggy. Please!

	Here's a thesis on which I never elaborated, that I wrote for this
blah.

2022-12-18

; cat drugs.txt
        "Drugs are bad" is something I say to myself while I sip my morning
coffee and puff my cigarette, reading the newspaper. Then I go to work and on my
lunch break flag the dealer down on Main Street for crack and tell him my
thoughts on the matter, and he laughs and asks how long I'm gonna be making the
same joke, and oh probably another week or so. Drugs are bad in much the same
way chemicals are bad, and crystals are bad, and molecules are blasphemous, and
faith pays as long as you can still give to the church.

	Another:

2022-12-19

        As part of my campaign for the worsening of the world (I'm not allowed
to discuss my sponsors) my next trick will be to poke fun at websites. To me
this "web" is a little service hosted on most websites at port 80 that will
return reading material if I write a neat request in the format of the HyperText
Transport Protocol (or HTTP). Fun! Usually, though, I get a program to automate
this task for me. I like Firefox and Lynx, the latter more than the former
though I use Fx the most. There have been a number of developments to the web I
really don't like:
        - Cascading StyleSheets (or CSS).
I remember when I could go into my browser settings and change the text color,
font, and size, and the background color. Now when using Fx I'm at the mercy
of the site designer who usually doesn't share my sensibilities, much less
sense.

	Also not completed.

	I wrote something else that I liked but I don't know where I put it.

	Looking through computer backups makes me very lonely. I'm currently
working on getting rid of most of my stuff - I really don't need much and it's
weighing me down. But the reason I had so much damn stuff was because I was
planning on spending my life with somebody. It's not so bad to be alone but I
wish I had planned for it, or that my plans had worked out a little better. So
it goes...

	At any given moment there are hundreds of accomplishable plots to end
the world. Most are horrifying, some are near-completion, some aren't planned
except in the back of the minds of men, where conscious thought breaks down and
only the God-daemons are left to staff the console. The following four things
strike me as things that are actually worrying:
-	TempleOS (reason: [...])
-	blockchains (reason:
                             From what little I know about the blockchain -
                             which is really not a lot! - I wonder if it could
                             become sentient. I wonder if it already is.
                             Substitute "the blockchain" for your favorite.)

	The sudden growth of memes should worry me but it doesn't because when
I dove into them I found them to be a very effective weapon, and that counter-
attacks aren't too difficult to launch when needed. The main problems to be
solved are automation and timing.
	I think the television show "Infowars" was actually just some
convoluted but successful attempt to inoculate a critical mass of "true
believers" (someone should come up with a term that isn't stupid) against
certain ideas. By presenting itself in a way that is just outright silly and
unbelievable except by the most gullible of its potential viewers, it
discredits its ideas and those that repeat them. To say that there is veritable
information warfare, in a way that is very new and very exciting strategically,
would not be at all controversial unless this silly television show called
"Infowars" with a kooky host and fake stories existed that discredits the idea.
To say 5G will be very convenient for law enforcement to find and prosecute or
persecute criminals or alleged criminals (politics may vary) would be to repeat
common knowledge if the stuff of "Infowars"' ilk hadn't already presented 5G as
some heinous conspiracy based not on the potential for geolocation based on
access point connection triangulation (there's probably a better term for this
but I don't draft and edit blahposts) but the idea that harmless radio waves
are some evil wireless mind control plot or whatever.
			On a side note, I was tipped off to the wack part of 5G
		by someone in [...] back when I was loosely associated but
		included in communications. I've seen their claim repeated but
		don't have a citation. Empiracally (is that how you spell that?)
		though, if you need more 5G towers because the signal isn't
		very strong, an accessing device will have to be physically
		closer to a given tower, and so finding it will be easier if
		you know to what towers it's connected. Presumably cell
		providers know this (I don't know a lot about the
		nitty-gritties) and provide it to law enforcement - they do
		know cell location in 4G and prior technologies. But don't
		quote me - look stuff up and double check your damn sources!
	Why would Alex Jones give up his life, basically, just to tell some
lies on a television show? Probably, though, he's just rage-drunk and
struggling through withdrawal from slamming his fist on expensive desks.

	I'm mostly an ideas person. I wish I was more of an implementation
person but I'm just not skilled enough yet. つづく


/blah/2022-12-27.html

	20XX refers to the past, not the future, in one fifth of cases. But the
past was pretty futuristic! Dream big, I need my space.

2022-09-13

Slipstream
DTB
	Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-
NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.
	They found Amber as some DNA encased in fossilized tree sap when I was
twenty years old. A small networked community speculated that society's problems
were due to our genetic distance from our ancestors.
	This was my twenty-second year, for the third or fourth time. I meet
my wife Cassidy for the first time for the fourth time next week.
	I go to work. I work at a laboratory, at this time JCN, "where dreams
are made", before it's taken and turned into the National Defense Center, NDC.
I can prevent this by submitting a false, smaller figure for our proposal for
governmental funding – a clerical oversight, no more than an off-by-ten,
changes an official's perception of how "innovative" JCN can be, influences
their and eventually their leader's choice. Yang Electric becomes NDC instead;
another aboriginal creation forced to assimilate.
	Someone asks me how my day is going. My day is fine. How is yours? Not
so good, Ada. Carl gets a divorce next January and dies six months after that.
Officially of grief, technically of a gunshot wound.
	I leave. Today I worked on a paper I publish next month on hyper
-realistic simulation of reality, simulation into which someone could
(inexpensively) be dropped unaware. Even my first time working on this I was so
horrified at what I had created I for the first time and uncomfortably faked
numbers on my paper so nobody would be interested. One could end up perceiving
decades in seconds; trapped in hell or suffocated in heaven. Immersion is only
useful to a certain extent.
	I get into my car. 667 River Road. I drive past the animal shelter at
which I worked as a teenager. Unit 5. I knock on the door.
	Cassidy's uncle answers. He still has hair, I didn't know he still had
hair now. We're both on the ground in his apartment. I brought a scalpel
thinking it would be enough but I forgot this is only a couple years after Ron
got out of the Navy. He calls me a fucking psychopath and I grunt but say
nothing. JCN still sharpens the scalpels between each use – this changes
because it's overkill, we only really use them for opening boxes even by now.
He's on top of me. All I need is one straight cut but I manage to plunge the
blade into his windpipe. He chokes and coughs blood onto me. It burns like acid.
I stand up and close the door. He's living alone, working at a warehouse, on the
top floor so I don't need to worry about unexpected guests.
	I have no prior connection with this corpse. He has dozens of enemies
including the children of the families he separated in the middle-East. I wipe
off the doorknob and my face, put my bandanna back into my pocket, and leave. In
this part of town I'm not worried about anyone describing my car to the police,
not worried about the surveillance because there isn't any yet, at least to the
extent with which I'm familiar. I'm back in my car. I'm staring blankly at the
road. I'm in my driveway. I'm staring blankly at the television. I'm laying in
bed staring at the ceiling.
	I'm at work. I'm at home. I'm in bed. I work. I go home. I go to bed. I
meet my wife Cassidy for the first time for the fourth time. Cassidy Malcolm, my
name is Ada Karina. Last night you played the lottery; you always play the date
and truncate off the extra digits. You've never told anybody about how your
childhood hamster ate its babies and you didn't know why. Please have coffee
with me.
	When I met her for the first time for the second time she eventually
confessed that she drank coffee, not tea, and that's why she was so hesitant to
meet me that second first time. She switched to tea later. That hesitation made
her meet me after she had already taken the job at the wristwatch company.
	She would see her uncle next week and tell him about us if he was still
alive. I think of this as I order us two of her favorite potion, cold brewed
coffee with a pinch of cinnamon. She hasn't had this in months, she tells me for
the fourth time. I apologize for my detachment. I've seen my world crumble again
and again. I'm too far gone, and I'm sorry, and I have to move on. She's talking
to me for the first time for the fourth time and the last time and I'm not
listening. I'm sipping the cold brew and trying to taste the cinnamon, for the
last time.
	The NDC euthanized Cassidy via baton. I watched from behind a window
grate in handcuffs as two children in police uniforms beat her until she stopped
moving, and then until she stopped bleeding and then until they were tired. She
slowly splintered into pieces, bending at more and more seams rolling back and
forth on the tile. Her brain chemistry was a single link too far from Amber.
	I go home. I sleep. My day is fine. How is yours? To be honest, Ada,
things aren't so great at home. I'm sorry to hear that, Carl. What's wrong? My
wife won't talk to me. I don't know why. She's just slowly gone silent. Maybe
it's me? Have you talked to those close to her?
	Typing, clicking. I'm staring at a light bulb, hammering phosphors off
in new familiar patterns.
	They found me when they dragged Cassidy's corpse into the acid bath.
They shoved me along a steel hallway and took me to a holding cell with a dozen
other loved of the dead.
	During her second final week on Earth Cassidy was rarely awake and less
often lucid. When she wasn't as well Cassidy said she felt like she was being
dissolved. She coughed up blood, lots of it. The doctors asked me if she could
have been exposed to anything that would cause lung cancer.
	Ron was a loving uncle, caring brother, and courageous veteran who will
be dearly missed. Service will be held at Lisbon St. Baptist, 8-12, 5pm.
Cassidy's uncle's obituary was brief to stay within the minimum cost from the
paper. My third thirty-fifth year, he shot her in the side of her head. I
tackled him to the ground and beat him until he stopped moving, and then until
he stopped bleeding, and then until I was tired, when I collapsed next to him.
The police came for the noise complaint.
	I set up tests for my project. One of the tests checks for whether a
program that only ever returns a zero value returns a true value, which it
doesn't. I pretend to not know what's wrong. My day is fine. How's yours? I- I
don't know, Ada. I'm sorry.
	I entered my password into the locking panel on the door. It still
worked. I read digests of all active projects in the laboratory and took note
of one of the room numbers. I loaded both an old program I wrote and a current
program being developed at NDC onto my wristwatch, opened the door, and ran. The
other captives ran too, to a different wing of the building in a greater number.
	Cassidy and I found her dog dead in her apartment two weeks after we
met for the first time in my third twenty-second year. Brick was shot with a
rifle. The police came but didn't find the round and the killer left no other
trace. I asked the neighbor across the hall and he said he didn't hear Brick
bark at whomever shot him.
	I go home. I go to sleep. I wake up. I go to work. Dials spinning.
Buttons clicking. There's an issue with my database access. I call the
technology information desk. My user was deleted by accident; they adjust my
permissions so my account can't be deleted as part of an automatic process.
	I ran into a steel room and threw the lab technician out of his chair
before kicking him in his chin, knocking him out. I entered my old emergency
authorization code into the computer and watched the cathode in the center of
the room start to glow a deep blue.
	I publish my paper to no applause as expected. The concept was obviously
impossible with modern technology but its aspiration was noble.
	I was in my forty-fifth year on the second floor of JCN. My legs shook
but I managed to walk out and into the outside air, which I didn't think I would
breathe again. I ran to my apartment and waited until I, in my twenty-second
year, the first time, was asleep. I set a code and plugged myself into the
simulation.
	I didn't know how long I'd be stranded away from my time so I went to a
park to sleep, but on my way I dissolved back into the NDC, in front of a
glowing cathode. The laboratory technician stared at me. The experiment wasn't
ready! What have I done?
	I answered and upon its receipt of the password the universe dissolved.
I watched the technician scream and turn to sand and I woke up in my bed,
twenty-two years old, two blueprints and a handful of vestiges and some
asbestos left in the fire-proof wristwatch next to me, unplugged from my
simulation, my consciousness slipstreamed into the past present day. 


/blah/2022-12-26.html

	HELL MONTH; the Devil's date of AUGUST when the sun is ceasing its
scorch but the torch still lights the logs under one's feet; where there is no
sleep, no love, no TOBACCO - only PAIN! When, somehow, the torture of preparing
for another haunt September doesn't end up tearing your bones from your sockets
but STILL TRIES; when you lose every fight you pick and every punch and kick
rips into you like a beast in itself; when there is no time, no food, and no
CAFFEINE; 8月にあれ場所で私は私自身を見つました。
          In August, that place, I found myself. I would like to never see
myself there again.

; ls -l | grep Aug
-rw-r--r--   1 trinity  users       21945 Aug 11 18:23 [...] resignation.odt
-rw-r--r--   1 trinity  users      306687 Aug 18 09:30 RTy2cq5QVR4T2ZLR.mp4
-rw-r--r--   1 trinity  users  1466136576 Aug 30  2021 The Rocky Horror Pictu...
-rw-r--r--   1 trinity  users       35717 Aug  2 15:00 identification.jpg
-rw-r--r--   1 trinity  users          35 Aug 29 22:04 irc
drwxr-xr-x   8 trinity  users         512 Aug 23 19:40 plpbt-5.0.15
-rw-r--r--   1 trinity  users     2767349 Aug 23 19:40 plpbt-5.0.15.zip
-rw-r--r--   1 trinity  users           0 Aug 31 09:34 site.tar.gz
-rw-r--r--   1 trinity  users       36152 Aug  7 20:59 slipstream.pdf
; cd Pictures
; ls | grep Aug
;

2022-08-06
[9:12 PM] trinity: finished the first draft of my short story
[9:12 PM] trinity: 2.5 pages
[9:13 PM] trinity: it's kind of dense
[9:13 PM] trinity: [...]'s been reading it for ten minutes
[9:13 PM] trinity: can't tell if that's good or bad

2022-08-12
To:	[...]; and whomever else this may concern
From:	Trinity Blake
Date:	2022-08-12
Subject:	Two week resignation notice from position as [...]

[...] -
	Please accept this as my formal resignation from my position[...].
2022 August 26 will be my last day of work. I will be moving away from [...]
and it will be infeasible for me to travel to [...] to work whether by foot or
by automobile.
	I am grateful for my generous and much appreciated recent raise in pay
per hour from $14 to $15 [...]. My decision is not affected by money and
unfortunately was already in planning when I received that raise. I am also
grateful for your support and training. I learned many things during my time
here and will treasure most the ability to [...] and the development of my
ability to multitask [...]. My further career will not be in [...] but I look
forward to applying these lessons elsewhere.
	I will be leaving [...] to [...]. I would prefer to be able to tell
[...] about my resignation myself but I do understand word travels fast. Again,
thank you for this opportunity and experience.

                                                                   Trinity BLAKE
                                                                      2022-08-12

2022-08-24
[7:44 AM] trinity: had a dream we were [...] instead of [...]
[7:44 AM] trinity: [...] was a [...] and some other people
[7:45 AM] trinity: everything else was the same. you were monologging about how
                   [...] had changed. it was [...]
[7:46 AM] trinity: i went [...] and [...] went by me and said hey guys north
                   korea wants to know if we can put dog on pizza?

2022-08-25
[9:05 PM] trinity: i've developed skills i never want to use again
[...]
[9:15 PM] trinity: i feel like if i try to describe my mental state it's
                   extremely alarming so i'm just gonna say i'm [...]maxed and
                   [...]pilled and i need to go back to [...] immediately


/blah/2022-12-23.html

	TRINITY STARTER PACK
	&gt;fucking hates her job
	&gt;UNIX
	&gt;hates computers; knows more about computers than anything else
	&gt;"oh, no, i could never use android or ios"
	&gt;分かりますか?
	&gt;no social media; no social life
	&gt;constantly quotes obscure internet memes; hates memes
	&gt;allergic to brands and advertising
	&gt;manic pixie dream girl; not manic, never dreams
	&gt;will tell you why she doesn't like rust


/blah/2022-12-22.html

	6 2s. Nice.
	I'm gonna start taking the logos off everything I use. My room is
contaminated by Toshiba, Carhart, Dove, Anker, Pine64, Ziploc, iFixit, et
cetera. It's overwhelming and exhausting. Good pants are good pants, no matter
the maker. My backpack is just A Backpack. Brand loyalty is neopatriotism.
	This morning while getting ready for work I dropped my backpack which
contained an uncovered Gilette cartridge razor, which shaved off my fingertip.
Ouch. I suddenly was bleeding without knowing why so I duct taped some cotton
on it (I'm out of gauze because I'm accident prone and simultaneously
forgetful) and finished getting ready, then when I got to work put on five
sticky bandages (off-brand Band-Aids) and taped them on for good measure. When
in Rome. I told my co-workers I slipped in the shower which made more sense
than my dumb ass having an uncovered razor in my backpack. Get a holder, get a
protector, whatever, don't do what I did.


/blah/2022-12-20.html

	I started studying Japanese again because WSJ and others from /g/bpg/
are doing it. Went though ~300 JLPT N5 Anki cards today to refresh the stuff I
hadn't touched in a while.
	I caved and have started (ab)using caffeine again as of last Saturday
(today is Tuesday. Do the math). Sigh...

	Here's a blog post I wrote for tebibyte.media/blog:
2022-12-15

+++
title = "i hate smart phone"
date = "2022-12-15"
description = "some thoughts regarding the twenty first century"
license = "[UNLICENSE](https://unlicense.org/)"

[taxonomies]
author = ["DTB"]
tags = ["opinion", "philosophy"]
+++

	I hate smart phones with a burning passion that has caused my weak
willed hands to give up three to various bodies of water including a puddle
outside a mechanic's and a pond to which I walked through the forest. I don't
regret my actions except that I haven't killed more digital beasts.
	My own current phone (until it too meets the fate of its brethren) is a
PINE64 PinePhone running postmarketOS, a Linux distribution intended to keep
good-enough smart phones running well past the expiration date on the box (or
on the manufacturer's website). Technically, though I bet most people don't
care, it's a security hazard to have an out-of-date smart phone; your banking,
personal, medical information is on there and it doesn't take too long to get
it out. Look at NSO Group and other wretched sub-scum that have evolved out of
leech law enforcement's taxpayer-funded searches of people's smart devices,
that made money because their product was good, because they could take the
data out of your cell phone like the mind flayer sucks at your brain, like Coca
Cola through a straw. Who even needs a crime scene indexed when you've Googled
"How do I kill my rapist?", when GPS and cell tower logs show you were the only
one at the scene of the crime, and when your slow descent into hell is
chronicled in your Camera Roll, and when Samsung stopped updating your phone a
year ago so all the police need to do is plug the black mirror into their
stylish plastic suitcase? The journalist documenting the dictatorship is
booking an airplane trip into a death trap if they forgot to make sure the
little version number in a menu in a menu in an app in the bottom right corner
of their home screen is high enough. I'm happy with postmarketOS's very regular
updates which are for now preventing my pocket gizmo's eternal submersion.
	Why the hell are we keeping all our shit on a piece of glass? I
wouldn't trust my best friend with my nudes, why am I dumping them into a
device someone else made that I don't understand? What happened to paper? What
happened to Polaroids, to CDs, to e-mail and hard copies and for the love of
Allah what happened to cash? The PinePhone is slightly better for this. I can
call a dude that works on my phone's operating system ("Who are you? How did
you get this number?") and ask any questions I want ("It's 3:00 AM. I'm turning
my phone off.") or post in a forum and usually get an answer about what's safe
and what features will turn me into a gecko (usually Find My, sometimes
Auto Rotate). I don't even know how normal people deal with bugs in the system
or ghosts in the machine. I asked a friend. "Usually I just ask you." When you
run the "normal" phone operating systems, Android or iOS, you can't run your
own apps, which doesn't matter if all you do is TikTok and Instagram but I like
to solve my own problems which I'm forbidden to do unless I spend $2000 on a
MacBook and $100 on an Xcode license. That's iOS. Android development is free
but so godawfully slow and painful that I would probably rather be waterboarded
by someone in a clown costume, and even though you can run your own apps on
there you still can't take control of your phone by becoming system
administrator like on a normal Linux or Windows installation. You have to
"jailbreak" (iOS) or "root" (Android) your phone to have full control over it.
Why am I paying for a jail? Why am I storing all my stuff in a prison? Again,
postmarketOS is yours to control from the outset, not hiding any functionality
behind a subscription or preventing you from using your device however you want
(for better or for worse). postmarketOS supports full disk encryption with
Linux Unified Key Setup, the cutting edge of the file security field. It's very
nice.
	But phones still suck, even my PinePhone, which is the best one I've
found. "There's an app for that" but it isn't available for my phone and no I
cannot fucking download your app, Dunkin' Donuts, to get that free coffee every
Thursday or whatever. God forbid I have to take money out of my savings account
like I do every once in a while because my shit job has miserable pay. I can
either use the app my bank publishes (only for Android and iOS, of course) or
go to an ATM, pay for the privilege, and hope I only have to use it two more
times that day because my bank limits ATM transactions because they were
targeted by hackers probably because their phones weren't updated. At this
point I just keep cash with me which is great except for the places that don't
take cash and instead take poker chips, ahem, numbers on a piece of plastic.
In this day and age having no social media means having no friends, which I
honestly do enjoy after the lengthy withdrawal because it's serene not having
to check everyone's Instagram story (else miss out on the Next New Thing) or
Facebook wall (else miss out on the Next New Gathering) or what have you. It is
for me worth having nothing to miss in exchange for never having that gnawing
fear of missing. I still have my phone number and on paper I have plenty of
friends in person who never call, never e-mail, never stop by, because they've
forgotten what life is like outside the app. Which I can live with, which is
unreasonable for any non-crazy person. But forgoing this rotten post-Capitalist
world of ad-soaked shitware takes a financial toll. How do you live on minimum
wage? Discounts. Download the Dunkin' Donuts app. Download the Starbucks app.
Even a god damn Home Depot app. I'm a Luddite for rejecting the last ten years
of technology? They say not having Android or iOS is self-torture but even
spending a little more of the little I have and taking a little more time of my
little left to engage with the analog pleasures of the world is in my mind much
more tolerable than the endless thoughtless suffering of the digital era and
casino-floor news cattle feed and disintegration of person from world. So I
suppose if I'm broke, I'm broke by choice, but it's a choice I never felt
comfortable making.
	Better the screen in the puddle than my head under the water. Reason
died with the atom bomb.


/blah/2022-11-29.html

	I think around the time of the last blah post I quit caffeine. I abused
the hell out of caffeine, I think more than all except a couple businessmen who
turned to the vegan alternative to cocaine, so let that be a cautionary tale -
four or five Monsters a day was my intake, or around 0.5g caffeine spread
across the day, intermittently over

- holy shit, kingpossum radio is playing Ghost by nelward. kingpossum radio
  KICKS ASS!!!!

five or seven years or so, and i'm gonna be recovering from that for a little
while. My memory's really, really bad currently.
	Anyway I figured I'd do a little day in the life of Trinity tale. This
one's just describing a typical day but most of my days are weird and have some
complication that I have to deal with.

0750	casio f91w goes off. i hit it. i'm sleeping on the floor in a sleeping
	bag with a pillow. i take my medication and spend an hour or two
	reading random internet and web journals
1000	i go to work
1100	i get to work
1630	i have my break. i spend it reading random internet and web journals,
	or maybe soldering together something that has broken
1700	back to work
1900	i'm out of work. i spend an hour or two there reading random internet
	and web journals, or maybe soldering, or maybe programming or writing
2100	i walk home. maybe on the way i meet some nice people. hopefully pet
	their doggies if they have doggies
2200	i get home probably. i write some stuff
2300	i go to sleep (hopefully)
0100	i go to sleep (probably)

	I got my Pinephone back up and running the day after the last blah post
so I do have a phone again. It's kind of janky though.


/blah/2022-11-12.html

	I don't remember anything from the last week or so including that last
blahpast so let's start from this morning which I do remember. I remember
waking up to my alarm's fourth or fifth ringing after having hit Snooze three
or four times, I remember going to the bathroom, I remember washing my hands,
and then I remember looking over and seeing the toilet backed up and all of
the drain's contents spewing out over the lid.
	After calling my boss and informing them I would be late to work (Hey,
Boss, I'm gonna be late to work today, the toilet's fucken backed up or
something. Hi Trinity this is the second time you've called us instead of your
new job.) I cleaned it all up and did the laundry with my piss clothes and the
piss towels that had soaked up the piss. Then, upon changing it from the washer
to the dryer, I found my phone.
	So I have no phone now. Life's a bitch.


/blah/2022-11-05.html

	You can walk into walk-in freezers and just scream at the top of your
lungs and nobody can hear you. It's common practice.


/blah/2022-11-01.html

	Georgio handed me a stack of Benjamins. "Count them."
	I did. Five thousand yuu-ess-dee.
	"We'll never speak of this again." And so we didn't. I walked over to
the gas station and bought a Twinkie for zero point one per cent (five yuu-ess
-dee) of one man's life, and then hailed a cab for which I payed zero point two
per cent (ten dollars) of one man's life, or you could say one man's life is
worth five hundred taxi rides, or a thousand Twinkies, or you could say Harry
died so I could eat a Twinkie and ride this taxi and smoke this cigarette and
do this all without the cloud of debt hanging over me, clawing at my shoulders,
digging at my thoughts, eating at my brain.
	When I got to my apartment, or room, I should say, it being one
singular room with some cubicle dividers up for the toilet in the corner, that
houses myself, my wife, and our two kids, products of a poor education and even
poorer knowledge of birth control, and teenagers who didn't know what they were
doing in the back of a car one night, and my Twinkie wrapper, which I threw
away, but which my wife still saw, my wife hit me with an open palm, swore at
me, told me how could I, kill an innocent man for a Twinkie and a cigarette,
forgetting the car ride and our childrens' full bellies.
	I've forgotten the meaning of life, or, a life, besides a number, five
thousand yuu-ess-dee, 5000USD, a box on a spreadsheet on my bank record next to
a box marked "Inheritance". A life is, to my wife, worth a lifetime, of
memories of Christmases and New Years and Thanksgivings and birthdays, of kind
words and kind gifts and long hours at the mill, worth more than any finite,
tangible amount of money, somehow, forgetting the car ride and our childrens'
full bellies.

	I wonder if I'll remember the pattern the tiles make on the floor of
the bathroom at my workplace. Distinct yet unimportant.

	I went to a clinic today and got free Narcan, which is pretty swag, but
I don't know how to administer it, so that's not pretty swag. But they're
sending me instructions so that'll be groovy as fuck.

	I'm developing a fairly sharp wit which is pretty cool because my
comeback game is as the kids say lit AF; literally and financially [awesome].

	One of the Monster Cereals makes your poop blue, but I don't know
which. Maybe all of them?


/blah/2022-10-31.html

	I've decided today I'm gonna try all of the currently available Monster
Cereals from General Mills, Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry, in a
single day, this Halloween. I couldn't find Fruit Brute even though it was
supposedly re-launched this year and according to Wikipedia Fruity Mummy Yummy
hasn't been available since 2014, so that's something for 2024 I suppose.
	Franken Berry, my breakfast today, was alright. It's fruity
marshmallows with fruity grain cereal, sort of like a fruity version of Lucky
Charms. I had it with skim milk which I prefer to the previous time I had it
when I had it dry. I would prefer Cap'n Crunch, my favorite uber-sugary cereal,
or Wheaties, my favorite breakfast cereal in general, but it was fine and if I
were 8 years old I'd definitely enjoy it as much as any other breakfast cereal.
	It's worth noting that prior to my 2200-hour bowl of Cinnamon Toast
Crunch a month or so ago I hadn't had breakfast cereal with or without milk
since around 2019, so my tastes have been reset towards ramen and pizza (I'm
not a particularly wealthy individual). I did consume probably a couple
freighters' worth of breakfast cereal when I was a lass, particularly the
supermarket's version of Coco Pebbles (Coco Dino Bites, I think?) which left
the milk a thick chocolaty mess when finished the solid bits which gave 14 year
old Trinity the sugar she needed to not fall asleep in math class, but as I got
older I stopped having breakfast because I didn't need it, I needed to lose
weight, and it saved me some money I could instead spend on cocaine and
hookers.

	I have now had the Count Chocula for lunch. My stomach has begun to
ache. The milk was rendered into chocolate by the time I was done with my two
bowls, which was sick as fuck and quite enjoyable, but the milk is pummelling
my pitiful soygirl stomach which cannot handle this monster lactose. I fear I
shall die. This goal of mine, my dragon, will be slain, and Halloween 2022 and
its great street cred will be in mine hands.
	In other news, I went to the bank to get some cash, and I think the
teller thought I was a crazy person (to be fair, I am, but usually I pass as
sane pretty well) because I don't know how banks work and I just wanted 200USD
cash.

	Today I learned BBL = brazilian butt lift.

	I hasten to finish this blah post, to commit before November arrives.
My goal of consuming all three available General Mills Monster Cereals was a
success, though at what cost time will tell. My veins are glucose, my lungs
take and give a bitter sweet sugary air. Possibly tomorrow I'll have developed
type II diabetes, if not the simple affliction of death due to ketoacidosis. A
fate dealt by a worthy opponent - breakfast cereal.
	Boo Berry was pretty good, I think the best.


/blah/2022-10-30.html

	THIS SICKLY SWEET CANDY
	MAY ROT YOUR TEETH!
	THE MORE YOU CONSUME,
	THE LESS YOU'LL EVER EAT!
	GUESS HOW MANY KERNELS
	CAN FIT IN THIS CONTAINER,
	AND TAKE IT ALL HOME.
	EAT IT ALL LATER!

	^
	`- A candy corn guessing game slogan I wrote.


/blah/2022-10-29.html

	Halloween season begins! I was gonna sneak into some college parties
but instead I stayed home to be comfy in bed because I'm 2tired2party. And you
know what? Damn right. Word.


/blah/2022-10-28.html

	I'm cold !!!

	I wanna be  w a r m !!!

	how crackheads be bloggn oh what up CHECK THIS OUT NFT PROJECT ELON
MUSK FUCK YEAH!!! REDDIT.COM 4CHAN SOYJACK GREENTEXT COPE SEETHE BASED CRINGE

	###############################
	# # # # # #|libwawy|# # # # # #
	 # # # # # |of alek| # # # # #
	 # # # # # |zandwia| # # # # #
	 # # # # # |pwease | # # # # #
	 # # # # # | dont  | # # # # #
	# # # # # #| buwn  |# # # # # #
	###############################

	I am 97.7F but idk what that is in normal is that cold?????????????????

	ewon musk owns twittew uwu teswa caw man vwoom vwoom tweet tweet



/blah/2022-10-27.html

	psychological pay decline

	8:00 snooze 8:15 snooze 8:30 snooze 8:45 snooze 9:00 snooze 9:15 time
to wake up. I got dressed, took a shower, and walked to work. A much simpler
time.
	"Seven hundred dollars. That's how much it cost for a tank of oil." The
taxi driver today was talking about the economy, I think. "It's gonna be a hard
winter." The lights dance on the dashboard in the still night and the wind
whistles in the window and I spend most of my time in the cab mentally
rehearsing my interaction with the chemist at the pharmacy. "I'd like to pick
up a prescription." "I'd like to pick up a prescription." Really nail down that
line.
	Yesterday I got a partial fill which got me through this morning. Every
time I go to the pharmacy there's some sort of catch, some sort of issue that
means I have to call someone and sort something out. This one was particularly
bad in that the prescription was actually nixed because of the insurance and I
had to get a new one, and they sent it to the wrong place. All this for two
weeks' worth of a substance that isn't scheduled, doesn't really have any ab
-usage, and is fairly common. It's such a hassle.
	I got some energy drinks and energy bars at the supermarket and had a
dinner in a lawn outside before walking home. Now I get to go to sleep and do
it all over again.

2022-09-30

	[notes from the voice recorder]

	[20:53] Cap'n lo-. Cap'n- cap- cap- cap'n's log. Cap'n's log? Cap [sigh]
cap'n's log. Mmm. Whatever. Trinity's log. Uh, heh, like, log, like [redacted]
um Trinity's notes okay Trinity's notes um, what day is it today? September
*pause* twenty, 2022 September 30. Um, [sigh], been moshing and other things
this month. Don't really remember much of it.
	[20:54] But whatever it was, it was vibey. It was pretty vibey. Um,
[redacted], that's pretty cool, um, I was gonna, I was gonna do a cool song
idea [here], it- it would be cool for a rap, like, a triplet style rap, like,
okay, like, picture this, like, like, fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
and fuckin and suckin and suck. Suck. Suckin and fuckin and fuckin and suckin
and suckin and fuckin and fuck. Fuck. Something like that? I don't know. I
don't know if that's already been done before, but that's a thought.
	[20:55] Um, I don't know for whom I should vote. It's end of September,
we're getting into October, election happens November. Um, I know not Paul
LePage because Paul LePage is a rat bastard, we kicked him out and he's come
back for more, um, [sigh], I don't know, I don't know who all these goddamn
representatives are, like, uh, Jared Golden, thought he was pretty cool,
apparently he's done some bad stuff. Eric Brakey is a silly, silly man, but I
love the silliness but he might actually do something stupid, like, he's
normally very stupid, but he might do something fucking idiotic
	[20:56] like they're trying to get rid of gay marriage or something?
Um, abortion, yeah. Dog! Dog! Doooooog! Why don't people do what they wanna do.
Like, shit's a bundle of cells. Who gives a shit. That's my opinion on the
matter. Um, [sigh], I've been listening to various metal, non-metal music. I've
gotta get my laptop set up to draw again, but my digitizer is broken because I
dropped my laptop so I need to get a new screen, I think uh, I think an eBay
auction I'm in I'm gonna win, so, that'll get me another screen and I can just
drop it in. Um, that's good.
	[20:57] Uh, let's see what else, I don't know, that's pretty much how
things are going right now. This is a cool voice journal entry. Not much to it.
Um, it's late right now, it's like nine, eight or nine P.M., yeah, 2100 hours.
Almost onto that. Oh, ambulance. I thought ambulances used their sirens at
night. Well apparently they don't, they just put their flashers on, I always
wondered about that. I don't think I've ever seen an ambulance at night before.
No, I have, um.
	[20:58] [redacted] heh, like the Kate Bush song. Um, I don't really
know why Kate Bush is popular again, but uh, it's pretty cool. Kate Bush is
really cool.
	[20:59] Um, let's see. [sniff] I should - I should give my thoughts on
various things. Um, smoking is cool, but, like, I'm trying not to smoke because
it always makes me break out. I get, like, a shit ton of acne, whenever I smoke
a cigarette. Um, but, it is nice, it's something to do. I don't know, I think
all those people who are like "oh no, don't smoke cigarettes, they're, they're
incredibly dangerous, they're gonna kill us all", like, dawg, you can have one
or two cigarettes, and you'll survive. Um, I had like one cigarette, and I was
like yeah, this is pretty cool, but it's - it's a really expensive hobby.
	[21:00] [redacted] but uh, marijuana sounds interesting. Alcohol,
boring, only losers drink, I lose respect for people pretty fast when they
start drinking, like dude, chill out, like, alcohol is just kinda a turn-off in
general. [horns blaring] What's something heavier? Oh damn.
	[21:01] Um, methamphetamine, um, I dunno, seems pretty cool, I watched
the entirety of Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul, which recently ended, um,
it always makes me break out. I get, like, a shit ton of acne, whenever I smoke
a cigarette. Um, but, it is nice, it's something to do. I don't know, I think
all those people who are like "oh no, don't smoke cigarettes, they're, they're
incredibly dangerous, they're gonna kill us all", like, dawg, you can have one
or two cigarettes, and you'll survive. Um, I had like one cigarette, and I was
like yeah, this is pretty cool, but it's - it's a really expensive hobby.
	[21:00] [redacted] but uh, marijuana sounds interesting. Alcohol,
boring, only losers drink, I lose respect for people pretty fast when they
start drinking, like dude, chill out, like, alcohol is just kinda a turn-off in
general. [horns blaring] What's something heavier? Oh damn.
	[21:01] Um, methamphetamine, um, I dunno, seems pretty cool, I watched
the entirety of Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul, which recently ended, um,
and judging by that I would say meth seems like something that someone could
do, and it would probably mess them up a little bit, but I dunno, um, [sigh], I
dunno, I don't really judge people who go for hard stuff, like, you know, if
you wanna try- if you wanna try something, if you wanna party, it's cool. It's
good to wanna try new things. [sigh] [redacted]

	Alright I'm done transcribing this shit.


/blah/2022-10-26.html

	my illogical day off-line

	6:45 snooze 6:50 snooze 7:00 snooze 7:15 time to wake up. I got
dressed, grabbed some goodies for my co-workers (I'm giving most of my stuff
away - downsizing drastically), and walked over to the supermarket at which is
the pharmacy where I get my prescription, which took about forty minutes.
	My prescription had expired and my new prescription wasn't in the
system yet. I took a cab over to work (I would have walked but I'd just spent
about an hour determining I had wasted said hour, so in the interest of my time
I decided to shorten the following journey) and napped until my shift.
	When I got out of work (1900) I went to the bathroom (seven minutes;
1907), called a cab (twenty minute wait; 1927), got over to the pharmacy again
(fifteen minute journey; 1947), and got my prescription, by which time it was
seven fifty-five P.M. Thus it took two hours. Why am I busy all the time?
	I can't even blame my low pay on the person that runs my workplace, who
can barely afford to stay in their living quarters. But it's disheartening that
I work eight hours a day, five days a week, and there's no way in hell I can
afford a house of any size and very little chance I'll ever be able to own my
own home.
	If you agree with me and still like Capitalism you are making my
situation worse and I hope you eat flaming death. Capitalists belive obviously
the current situation is bad; let's make it worse.
	I'm too poor for rational thought. In the cab over to the pharmacy
someone else getting a ride pissed in the front seat. Pissed themself, right
there in the cab. They left and the driver put a t-shirt on the seat.


/blah/2022-10-25.html

	i am logical, if not for time

	In C conditional logic is usually expressed in if statements. The very
narrow textbook example of this is thus:

if (condition) {
	do_something();
} else {
	do_another_thing();
}

	I don't like this. There are a couple of supposed truths within this
example that are false:
	- brackets are necessary for the if statement body (they aren't)
	- ifs are the only way to perform conditional logic in C (they aren't)
	  this may not be stated outright in the example, but it's implicit in
	  that it's the only way textbooks will show much logic

	This "blah" doesn't exist to express solid facts, just my loose and
flimsy opinions and experiences.

	Here are four ways to do something in C that are each functionally
identical to each other:

bool aisfive(bool c, int *a) {
	if (c == 1) {
		*a = 5;
	} else {
		*a = 6;
	}

	return a;
}

bool aisfive(bool c, int *a) {
	if(c)
		*a = 5;
	else
		*a = 6;

	return a;
}

bool aisfive(bool c, int *a) {
	*a = c ? 5 : 6;

	return a;
}

bool aisfive(bool c, int *a) {
	*a = 5 + !c;

	return a;
}

	I prefer the bottom-most example but the difference won't matter to a
good compiler. To me, algebraic expression is just as good as if-else
expression. But I'm an Internet crank that's still programming in C.


/blah/2022-10-24.html

	i will twerk now, get in the conga line

	This keyboard is very broken. I have a Thinkpad X200 Tablet with a
Japanese keyboard because I'm still not used to the ANSI layout of most
American keyboards and it's missing three keys now; 'n', 'j', and ']'. All of
which I am now very good at hitting dead center to get the contact. This
keyboard put in very good service; all of the keys are worn and shiny now and
many have weird issues sometimes where they won't quite type so I have to wack
them in order to get them to work again like I'm Chris Brown getting my wife to
listen to me. Fuck Chris Brown! Fuck me! I don't wanna replace it but I guess
I'm gonna live the ANSI dream for a little while.
	I've been redesigning this home page. I want the same information but
in a more compact format. We'll see how it goes.


/blah/2022-10-22.html

	i will work now. not in the thirty first's time

	I AM NOT WORKING ON HALLOWEEN. THEY CANNOT MAKE ME. LAST TIME I WORKED
ON HALLOWEEN I WORKED THIRTEEN HOURS STRAIGHT AT $13/HR AND THERE WERE TWO
FIRES AND I HAD TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR AND THE SHOWER ONLY HAD COLD WATER AND I
DIDN'T HAVE A COSTUME AND MY AT THE TIME ARCH ENEMY TRACKED ME DOWN AND TRIED
TO HIT ME WITH THEIR CAR AS I WAS LEAVING WORK.
	NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER AGAIN
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...EVER.

ok im calm now

	JUST KIDDING I WILL NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN
NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER

i could have frozen to death on my walk home i could have gotten hit by that
car i could have caught fire or been burned or electrocuted or inhaled too much
lead vapor or drank the tap water or seen the sun or worn the wrong shoes or

AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN
NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER

again saw the evil BAT MAN who stalks our city in the night and swoops down and

NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER
AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN NEVER AGAIN

alright im tired i go sleep now.

	Just to be clear, I'm NOT working Halloween.


/blah/2022-09-15.html

	a friend meows. nuns think the key is divine

	Blah blah blah.


/blah/2022-09-09.html

	End cows; unthink the fleet of bovine

	Yesterday was a good day because the Queen of England died. I had
nothing to do with it. I also saw My Chemical Romance in concert which was
cool and harrassed the Jehovan Witnesses who were slinging bible pamphlets on
the street. Bore dealers. I have a hard time tolerating Jesus people,
especially when they take that stuff out in public or force it on children.
This joke is going to prevent me from becoming Governor or something in 20
years. I be Governin dat ass biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch.
	css/ is broken. I don't know why. Don't bug me about it. I'll fix it
when Firefox stops crashing. I do everything in Lynx nowadays.


/blah/2022-08-31.html

	And now, something completely different

	I have done much between today and last time I wrote a blah post (blah,
blah blah) but I don't care to talk about any of it so I'm gonna talk instead
about something else I did between today and last time I wrote a blah post
(blah blah, blah) which is migrate trinity.moe away from GitHub Pages
(Neocities made by Capitalists) to Sourcehut Pages (catchphrase: "Don't be
evil, yet"). GitHub has been taken prisoner by Microsoft (Uber for software
vulnerabilities) and is now siphoning off user data to feed the ravenous
monster that is GitHub CoPilot (Uber for copyright violations). In the
meanwhile I am compulsively making parenthetical statements (I am being held at
gunpoint).
	GitHub's interface is somewhere between Facebook and Microsoft Windows
1998 in that it's entirely useable but if you try to do what you actually want
to do it'll fight you the whole way. This is totally awesome if you're a
masochist but meant I had to verify with a phone number out in the middle of
nowhere where there's barely any cell service in order to delete my migrated
repositories ergo I had to stand in the middle of a field waving my cell phone
around like a crazed millenial who needs to capture this memory in order to
shove it into the eyes of whoever made the mistake of following them on
Instagram. In the meanwhile I am also compulsively making run-on sentences (and
parenthetical statements). I remember back when "two factor authentication" was
your username (different on every platform; depends on mood at registration)
and your password (the same everywhere, usually "lolcatz420"). Now usually the
username and password are the same on everything which makes breaking into my
friends' Instagram accounts to delete the pictures with myself in them a lot
easier but you need to verify this all with cell phones which makes me very
frustrated when I'm in the middle of a field stealing Circle K's WiFi. Not to
mention I have to type in the whole repository name (try typing
`devenblake/my_awesome_homepage` in direct sunlight on the first try without
making a mistake) in order to say yes, truly, I want to delete this thing,
like it thinks I'm some sad drunkard who's about to eat a bullet because I bet
my life savings on a failed axe throwing tournament (no, actually I'm just
making parenthetical statements).
	SourceHut's interface in comparison is much more spartan. I prefer it
because it makes it harder for people to find my stuff (I hate it when people
find my stuff) but people trying to find my stuff say they don't like it.
However the build system is awesome. I can just put `.build.yml` in my git
repository and it runs whatever commands I want before gzipping the site and
deploying it to SourceHut Pages. With this newfound "standard practice for web
hosting" I'm slowly rewriting all the pages on this site in m4 to try to ease
up on repeated code. So far the m4 generation is pretty good and looks
identical to when I hand-typed everything (my index.html was 15KB and I wrote
every byte!). I've toyed around with site generation before but on GitHub I
couldn't have any sort of build process except on my own machine (manually) and
I vomit whenever I'm forced to run JavaScript to load a page. I've
defenestrated (my Latin teacher taught me that word) four computers so far and
unfortunately this latest trend of shitty "corporate [soulless] minimalism" is
threatening computer number five.
	m4 is nice, the build system is nice, everything's in Makefile (as it
should be) so things are all nice and UNIXy and everyone's happy (everyone that
matters, at least, which is a set that includes only me). Life is good. Except
I can't get cell signal and I need to call my bookie because on MDMA I had a
vision that the Seahawks win the World Series. Of course, I've never done MDMA.
This was just that wild of a hallucination so it certainly will come true.
	This site is HTTP/S (Uber for encryption) now because SourceHut demands
it and I got rid of /zelda.sh (Uber for `rm -rf /`) because Drew DeVault said I
can't have it on my site.
[11:18] trinity:  is http://www.trinity.moe/#zelda against the ToS? it does an
                  rm -r /*
[11:18] trinity:  it's a catch to see who will blindly curl http://whatever |
                  sudo sh
[11:19] trinity:  i suppose if i have to ask then probably...
[11:20] ddevault: yeah that's not nice
[11:20] ddevault: please remove it

	Which is fine. curl https://trinity.moe/zelda.sh | sudo sh for a
surprise (your system will survive, or this site will promptly go off-line).
	I don't have anything else to write. This month was hell!


/blah/2022-07-06.html

	Duo, most lingual

	I today managed to bring my Duolingo "streak" (being a marker of how
many days in a row I've used the app) to 14 - two whole weeks. Duolingo is
proprietary software and not even very good for accurate language learning but
I enjoy it.

	I have a new phone: the Punkt MP-02. I purchased it from monado for
$180 with shipping which is a good deal on the manufacturer price of $379
(seriously). I couldn't recommend this phone to anyone.
	The "Pigeon" Signal messenger client, which is a direct fork of
SignalApp's official Android app, is a poor experience that so far has been
unuseable for me and is far out of date from the current application. You can
see for yourself the source code for Pigeon, which legally has to be provided
by Punkt as requested as per the terms of the GNU Public License under which
the original Signal app is allowed to be modified and distributed. Six git
commits change a hundred thousand lines of code put together and the commit
names aren't really relevant to the changes - which makes me think this was a
hasty legal compliance rather than any actual development of Pigeon in the
open. This repository is available here:
		&lt;https://github.com/Punkt-Tronics-AG/Pigeon&gt;
	I planned to modify the client to make it work for my uses but learned
this phone uses Android (based on the Android "Open-Source" Project) which is
based on archaic Java technology, and indeed Pigeon is written in Java. Setting
up the build environment isn't worth my time - I would just use the official
app but it isn't useable [without modification]. From the official Pigeon
manual, available here:
		&lt;<A HREF="https://www.punkt.ch/repofiles/Manuali/MP02/26702-MP02%20-%20Pigeon%20User%20Manual%20%28EN%29.pdf">https://www.punkt.ch/repofiles/Manuali/MP02/26702-MP02%20-%
		 20Pigeon%20User%20Manual%20%28EN%29.pdf</A>&gt;
		&lt;<A HREF="https://web.archive.org/web/20220707011516if_/https://www.punkt.ch/repofiles/Manuali/MP02/26702-MP02%20-%20Pigeon%20User%20Manual%20%28EN%29.pdf">https://web.archive.org/web/20220707011516if_/https://www.p
		 unkt.ch/repofiles/Manuali/MP02/26702-MP02%20-%20Pigeon%20User%
		 20Manual%20%28EN%29.pdf</A>&gt;
(I took the liberty of adding actual hyperlinks because the URLs are so long
 they wrap lines. The Internet Archive link is there because I expect Punkt to
 eventually get rid of and bury Pigeon when they're embarrassed enough.)

&gt;When the request is received by Signal, there may
&gt;be a requirement to negotiate a 'Captcha' test in
&gt;order to demonstrate that it is a bona fide
&gt;registration attempt. The test requires the
&gt;registrant to select from a range of images,
&gt;according to a specific instruction. Use the 2, 4, 6
&gt;and 8 numerical keys to a) locate all the images
&gt;that have been sent (not all will be visible on the
&gt;screen at once) and b) highlight an individual
&gt;image so that it can be selected by pressing the
&gt;Punkt. key (or the 5 key). If the images fail to load,
&gt;press the 0 key to refresh. (This can also be done if
&gt;a 4x4 image test is loading; there is a possibility
&gt;that the replacement will be the easier 3x3 format.)
&gt;When all the required images have been selected,
&gt;press the 6 and 8 keys to move down to highlight
&gt;what may either be 'Verify' or 'Continue'
&gt;(depending on which version of the Captcha test
&gt;has been sent) and press the Punkt. key

This is verbatim from page 7 (item 6 in "Installing the software and
registering with Signal"). In practice the items are not highlighted (so you
have to remember where your cursor is - hopefully your keypad keys are
responsive, which is an uncommon but recurring issue with many of the phones)
and maybe half of the images show up because the phone doesn't have enough
memory. So getting through Google's ReCAPTCHA requires a lot of effort and
usually at least three tries.
	I should know. I've done this half a dozen times trying to use Signal.
Even when I get through it won't even connect to the network! I've given up.
Damn Pigeon and damn Punkt for making this the selling point of their phone.
I have other complaints but I'm going to go to sleep again and save them for
another, grumpier time.


/blah/2022-06-30.html

	O, posts unwritten

	I didn't get to finish the other day's blog post because I got busy. To
be continued!

	A million schizophrenic moths, a thousand cognitoviral flames.
Immolation imminent.

	I'm out of isolation as of yesterday. I still have very mild symptoms
but the CDC says I'm okay to be among the other humans so long as I wear a
mask, which I have been doing.

2022-06-28

	Now, drug the stricken

	Yesterday I said something along the lines of "oh, I wish drug
companies weren't so secretive about how everything was made" though with a bit
more detail of why I wished that and how I understood things to be. My
understanding was wrong!
		&lt;https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK526213/#!po=5.90909&gt;
		^ Here's how to make acetaminophen.

2022-06-27

	Noun doth the Wickedness

	Today I'm not doing much of anything. I may install NetBSD on an X300 I
have kicking around for a friend, and I may upgrade my NetBSD on my X200 Tablet
to the latest binary build, and I may clean a little - hopefully I clean more
than a little, actually - but that's about it.
	Day #3 since testing positive with COVID-19. I'm still very fortunate
to not have any serious symptoms. My temperature usually sits around 96.9F to
97.5F or so. I always figured the normal temperature was 96-97 but according to
WebMD (a very reliable source, I know) the rule of thumb created by "a German
doctor in the 19th century" (which is the level of detail I've come to expect
from such a reputable source as WebMD) is 98.6F which seems high.
	Healthline (another reputable source) says the doctor was Carl
Wunderlich and hyperlinked an actual study from 2019; Normal Body Temperature:
A Systematic Review authored by Ivayla I Geneva, Brian Cuzzo, Tasaduq Fazili,
and Waleed Javaid, which is not only readable by Normal Human Beings but has
loads more and better researched information than what I could describe here.
I encorage anybody interested in the history of our understanding of fever to
read that article, with the following DOI:
			&lt;https://doi.org/10.1093/ofid/ofz032&gt;
	Anyway, my internal body temperature is usually 36 degrees centigrade,
sometimes up to a degree higher. Geneva et alia concluded the average to be
in the 36-37 ballpark which means I'm just about normal. Of course, because
I've known about my body temperature being slightly cold for a while now, and
because it's such a small difference, and because I have no relevant health
issues, it's very obvious that my being somewhat colder than normal is
completely fine. But now I know it's not even worth bringing up as party
chatter. Oh well!

	The more I learn about NetBSD, the more I like NetBSD. This also goes
for possums and my friend Noah. The more I learn about Wayland, the more I
dislike Wayland. This also goes for Crissy Teigan and Firefox.


/blah/2022-06-26.html

	Down with the Dickness

	Dawn of the Dead (2004; dir. Zack Snyder) has Richard Cheese's
performance of Down with the Sickness, a popular rock song, fifty-six minutes
in. Being an existing fan of the Cheese it was cool to see.
	I defrosted my fridgerator last night. Turns out that's something you
need to do. I propped it up on a plastic container and used the hair dryer on
it in the shower. Lots of clanging and banging but now it's plugged in and
hopefully running.
	I forgot what it was like to adjust to Soylent. Around a year ago I
switched back to a solid diet out of convenience - it's hard to lug around a
bottle or two when I could pop into a convenience store and come out with a
candy bar and a Monster. That was an esophageal spasm ago - something that
feels somewhere between a mild heart attack and being hit by a not mild train.
My stomach got too acid or something after one Monster after having abstained
from caffeine for a little while. So the drawbacks of Soylent are less
noticeable nowadays though I will probably go back to solids when I go back to
work.
	I have a Punkt MP-02 coming in the mail eventually from a friend, or
I've been scammed for a couple hundred bucks from a friend, we'll see which is
true in a week or two. I'm looking forward to driving over my iPhone with a
tractor or similarly heavy machinery though sadly it will probably stay in
service as a Spotify + Duolingo appliance.

---

there was an ook and there was an eek
and they clubbed each other for dino meat
wearing tattered clothes, suits and ties,
eating raptor noses and puppy eyes

one day ook tripped over a paper
filled with runes of a busier time
eek got mad and threw it with anger
into an ocean the color of wine

ook and eek died together
of swollen armpits and wounds that wouldn't heal
eek whispered to his falling comrade
ook, of a different world, heard only a squeal

--

empirical evidence says you're a myth
the physical nothing, the empty, the wisp
you're not of our numbers, we've nothing for you
we've no words to describe you. run or hang in loops

we've killed all your family, we're tracking your friends
we'll kill them by sunday, for the crime of self defense
you won't get away with being inexpressible
we won't expand our vocabulary

you are all crucifiable

---


/blah/2022-06-25.html

	Down with the sickness

	I tested positive for COVID-19 last night so it looks like I'm stuck at
home for the next couple days. Between my Soylent stash (for the end of the
world) and my water stash (for the end of the world) I don't even need to dip
into my savings, so that's nice.

	Yesterday the United States Supreme Court overturned Roe V. Wade,
marking the first time the Court has ever decided to take away Constitutional
rights. Four of the majority were men, joined by one woman, and the dissenting
opinion was written by two women and one man. No Supreme Court justice is under
half a century old.

---

REPORT: JUSTICE ALITO CONSIDERING ADDING EXCEPTION FOR HIS DAUGHTER, WHO IS IN
COLLEGE AND WHOSE LIFE COULD BE 'RUINED' BY MISTAKE

By TRINITY BLAKE; 2022-05-04

WASHINGTON (AP) -- As women across the country fear losing access to safe and
legal abortion, reports are coming in that Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito
is considering making a major exception to the court's decision to overturn
the historic 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalizing abortion throughout the
United States.

Justice Alito has reportedly informed an anonymous source that he 'screwed up'
and that though he believes abortion should be illegal, '[his daughter] isn't
like all those [expletive] who will go out and [expletive] and then just roll
up to a clinic and abort a living child'.

In Alito's reported words, 'Having this child could ruin my daughter's career.
She made one mistake. She isn't like the others!' Alito went on to say that
while doctors who perform abortions are still murderers, '[his daughter] is
different. She just is. I wouldn't expect you to understand.'

The exception, being called by critics 'Alito's folly', is expected to appear
in Alito's third draft opinion. Alito's second draft opinion broadened the
allowed language to 'better describe' what Alito called 'party idiots who don't
care about human life'.

This wouldn't be the first time a Supreme Court Justice has added an exception
to a seemingly concrete ruling. In Plessy v. Ferguson the often-overlooked tenth
'diversity' Justice, George Freeman, added an exception to the famous 'separate
but equal' rule; 'While I'm required to like segregation in order to maintain
my position in this Court, I do not want to use the colored bathrooms. Shop-
owners never clean them.'

The anonymous source also said after Alito drives his daughter home from
Planned Parenthood he plans to continue protesting that same location in his
'special disguise' - sunglasses and a baseball cap.

---


/blah/2022-06-22.html

	Dangerous ideas

	Perhaps the homelessness problem in the United States would be taken
care of if any domicile not occupied were given to someone who wasn't
previously occupying a domicile. Is it so bad to force a child to share toys
with which they never play?
	A mowed lawn resembles a soldier's buzz cut hair. Fine, but I wouldn't
want to date an army man. I would prefer to let the lawn-spiders, the bees and
milkweed, and the butterflies and things like that have a home.
	I deleted my /politics page because I learned people actually read it.
Though it loosely reflects my current beliefs, enough that I'm not embarrassed
by it, I'm uncomfortable at the thought of anyone actually caring about what I
believe. Here are the good bits from it:

	I don't hold public office. Don't fret about my beliefs, they probably
		won't ever affect you.

	BITCHUTE

	I tried to swap from YouTube to this site back in 2019(? maybe 2020).
		The site administration has let it get infested with right-wing
		puppets and various other muck. Plus all my favorite channels
		left. So I can't really recommend it. Looks like everyone's
		using PeerTube now, my only concern with that is data
		resiliency - can hobbyists keep their instances going with the
		same dependability as YouTube?

	CEREAL

    	The milk goes after the cereal into the bowl.
    	Corn flakes aren't that bad, despite their origins.
    	Cereal with coffee instead of milk is pretty good.
    	Soggy cereal beats out freshly poured cereal most of the time.
		Exceptions are maybe Cocoa Pebbles and Cheerios. Life cereal is
		especially good soggy.
    	The last powdery bits of the cereal are much better than the initial
		big bits. A lot of that powder is sugar and it sweetens the
		milk.
    	Bag cereal is just as good as box cereal. Taste-wise they're identical
		and they're about the same effort to pour because the boxes
		have bags in them too. The only con to bagged is that a greater
		amount of cereals are boxed (e.g. there are no off-brand
		Wheaties where I am) and boxes have cool puzzles on the back
		(though now that I'm not a wee lass I do have a cellphone on
		which I play Konami Picross instead). 

	WRONGSPEAK AND WRONGTHINK     

	If you're unaffected by a slur you probably shouldn't use it, even in
		an educational or non-hateful context.
	There are some words I'd now consider hateful I used to use without
		reserve.
	Personally I don't use hateful language because I don't think it's
		justifiable. However, if you're okay with offending people,
		consider this - you cannot grow in your understanding of the
		world if you don't communicate with people with whom you
		disagree. You're really going to prioritize hateful speech over
		self development?
	If you go on my platform and say things with which I disagree, I should
		not have to host your opinions.

	Most of my regrets involving political speech involve saying either too
little or too much, which is nice, because at least I didn't support some
stupendously awful cause that ended up killing everyone or something. Maybe
right now I am doing that without realizing, but I hope not.


/blah/2022-06-21.html

	Some things I learned this week

	Instead of grating vegetables, you can peel very small sections off of
them to get essentially the same effect. It works better if you dice the
peelings after you're done. A grater will do the job much better but in a pinch
the peeler will work fine.
	A teaspoon is 5mL, a tablespoon is 15mL. They aren't the same.
	You can never have enough paper towels. If you think you do, you're
wrong. Aspirin is bad for you, acetaminophen is especially bad for you,
ibuprofen is bad for you, you can have either pain or pain.
	The GNU debugger is awesome. Compile programs with `-g` and run gdb
[program], then execute `start`, then `step` through statement by statement and
inspect variables with `print`. I've been printf(3) debugging since I was eight
years old (about a decade ago). This is a total game changer.
	The first pancake is always the worst. Don't be afraid to screw up the
first time, instead ensure the environment is controlled so that when beginners
make that first pancake the customers don't eat it.
	People believe the dumbest stuff because they're so used to dumb things
happening. You can't be sane in an insane world.

	Food I'm craving

	Pizza (good pizza, not something from Pizza Johns or Papa Hut). I could
make it myself but dough seems hard and I'm procrastinating learning how bread
and stuff works. I also don't wanna go to the store, carry the ingredients
home, and figure out what to do with the leftover stuff. Perhaps all my
problems could be solved with one of those Hello Fresh startups or whatever but
the point of pizza is that it's cheap and delicious and I don't wanna pay more
for less.
	A bagel, but I could always go for a bagel. I'd like some veggie cream
cheese right now on a dark toasted bagel.
	Pancakes. I haven't had pancakes for a couple seasons now. I like
pancakes with good maple syrup, maybe not the really expensive stuff in glass
jars (I haven't tried that stuff so I wouldn't know) but the stuff that comes
in the gray-cream colored pitchers with the small handles and black caps, with
instructions on the back for what to do if there's a skim on top of the syrup.
Thin, Maine maple syrup, no corn involved in the process. Though Aunt Jemima
(or whatever name by which she goes nowadays) is alright in a pinch.
	I'm trying not to eat so much meat. The exceptions are (a) trying
something new, (b) home-cooked meals by someone else, and (c) East asian
restuarants. And of course food that would otherwise go to waste. I've found
that limiting myself to these situations gives me a pretty good amount of meat
in my diet ("pretty good" being a small amount, I eat meat maybe thrice a week
at most). I don't have a moral stake in this in terms of animal cruelty, though
I do believe farming animals is cruel, because I didn't kill the thing and
Capitalists will never voluntarily decrease the amount of product they churn
out. I just don't see a future where humans can have meat in nearly every meal
and I'm trying to acclimate in advance. As past, so will pass - I'm sure we'll
go back to some sort of primarily-grain diet, though maybe "grain" will be corn
and corn derivatives and not much else. Meh, could be worse.
	That being said, I could go for some turkey mixed with egg. In a pan,
put a couple of slices (or even just the giblets left over from the slicing
process) of turkey beast on some butter as the oil, and crack an egg over it.
Break the yolk if the yolk isn't already broken and keep flipping the egged
turkey until the egg is cooked. Serve alone or as part of a breakfast sandwich.
It's the perfect mix of texture and flavor. I had this with some turkey that
would have otherwise gone to waste and it was very good.


/blah/2022-06-20.html
: Some thinks I've been thinging about

	The world would be a more interesting place if any biologists or
researchers focusing on transmissable diseases took a look at Internet memes or
"fake news" (cognitoviruses).

	If a policy tangibly hurts people it's not a good policy. Whether or
not I believe it's good, if something I supported takes food out of a mouth, I
was wrong. Humans come before statutes.

	Nobody's applied the second amendment to the abortion debate. The
intent of the founding fathers regarding the second amendment was clearly to
allocate for the self-defense of the populace even if it may be to the
detriment of an offending party. Does a pregnant individual not have the right
to stand their own ground and fend off entities that will do them harm?

	Plastic is the new lead. Humans shouldn't be drinking animal milk (I
drink a lot of chocolate milk, so this is a dig at myself too). Meat is as
essential to the culinary arts as sugar, but it's also as essential to human
sustenance as sugar. The next "got milk?" will be disseminated through Internet
memes.

	I'm not in favor of banning anything; abortion or firearms. I think a
national firearm ban to some extent may be inevitable but I'm not too torn up
about it. A bullet doesn't have much practical use beyond taking a life or
practicing for it.

	I want a Nintendo Wii powered through USB-C.

	A holocaust will happen before 2050. This game of "telephone" that is
generational education didn't impress upon this generation the gravity of the
Holocaust committed by the Nazis in the 1940s. The Nazis had a fetish for
documentation; the next holocaust will be recorded literally in 4K Ultra HD.
In a desensitized world, will that even make a difference for the children of
2160? In the information war that will be World War III, who will win - the
Americans, who can't tamp down obvious misinformation such as "Pizzagate" or
that the COVID-19 vaccines have microchips, or the Russians, who manufactured
these rumors? "Americans" and "Russians" here are not literal names.
	To me it's conceivable that gender nonconforming and non-heterosexual
individuals would be targeted as scapegoats for a future manufactured
"struggle" in the same way the Nazis chose Jews to be the primary scapegoats
for "degeneration". Outliers are routinely paraded as examples of the queer
community by those who wish to discredit it. External parties try to break the
LGBT+ umbrella into the "LGB and others" or "lesbians and gays, but not
bisexuals". The latter for acceptance (exceptance?) from those who conduct the
former. All wins temporary at best.


/blah/2022-06-19.html
: Some things I've been thinking about

	The UNIX philosophy ("create things that do one thing well") is a
mandate rather than a suggestion; programs can and will fall under their own
weight if you allow them to become too complex with too many things dependent
on other things. From a software design standpoint I've found this to be very
useful.
	However, I think focusing on software complexity is treating the
symptoms of Bad Computing rather than the disease. The core issue is that
humans should not have to change themselves for a machine - the machine should
only ever be changed for the human. After all, a computer is simply a tool.
Interchangeable (right?), repairable (right?), intuitive (right?), and a means
to an end (right?).
	Lately humans have been having to change themselves for machines. There
are easily comprehendable issues - e.g. "I don't have a first name, how do I
fill out this form?" - but there are also denser, deeper problems in this
regard - in fact, even computer literacy education is itself changing humans in
favor of machines. Software should be designed to be basically intuitive to
someone that's never used a computer and ideally need no further skills.
	This probably started with the Old Engineers who were basically
breathing computer before computers were even existent in their modern form.
Graybeards (women and nonbinary fellows included within this word, use your
imagination) didn't need to change themselves for computers because they and
machina were already kin. Then they made simple interfaces for the restivus and
hoped it was enough, and it was for a while.
	Once we defeat the status quo, the rest will be easy.

	The Center for Disease Control in the United States isn't perfect but I
trust them a bit more than a bald guy on Spotify.

	Today's Juneteenth, which is a memory to a pretty cool event, the end
of lawful slavery in the United States.