GNU AFFERO GENERAL PUBLIC LICENSE
Version 3, 19 November 2007
Copyright (C) 2007 Free Software Foundation, Inc. <https://fsf.org/>
Everyone is permitted to copy and distribute verbatim copies
of this license document, but changing it is not allowed.
Preamble
The GNU Affero General Public License is a free, copyleft license for
software and other kinds of works, specifically designed to ensure
cooperation with the community in the case of network server software.
The licenses for most software and other practical works are designed
to take away your freedom to share and change the works. By contrast,
our General Public Licenses are intended to guarantee your freedom to
share and change all versions of a program--to make sure it remains free
software for all its users.
When we speak of free software, we are referring to freedom, not
price. Our General Public Licenses are designed to make sure that you
have the freedom to distribute copies of free software (and charge for
them if you wish), that you receive source code or can get it if you
want it, that you can change the software or use pieces of it in new
free programs, and that you know you can do these things.
Developers that use our General Public Licenses protect your rights
with two steps: (1) assert copyright on the software, and (2) offer
you this License which gives you legal permission to copy, distribute
and/or modify the software.
A secondary benefit of defending all users' freedom is that
improvements made in alternate versions of the program, if they
receive widespread use, become available for other developers to
incorporate. Many developers of free software are heartened and
encouraged by the resulting cooperation. However, in the case of
software used on network servers, this result may fail to come about.
The GNU General Public License permits making a modified version and
letting the public access it on a server without ever releasing its
source code to the public.
The GNU Affero General Public License is designed specifically to
ensure that, in such cases, the modified source code becomes available
to the community. It requires the operator of a network server to
provide the source code of the modified version running there to the
users of that server. Therefore, public use of a modified version, on
a publicly accessible server, gives the public access to the source
code of the modified version.
An older license, called the Affero General Public License and
published by Affero, was designed to accomplish similar goals. This is
a different license, not a version of the Affero GPL, but Affero has
released a new version of the Affero GPL which permits relicensing under
this license.
The precise terms and conditions for copying, distribution and
modification follow.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
0. Definitions.
"This License" refers to version 3 of the GNU Affero General Public License.
"Copyright" also means copyright-like laws that apply to other kinds of
works, such as semiconductor masks.
"The Program" refers to any copyrightable work licensed under this
License. Each licensee is addressed as "you". "Licensees" and
"recipients" may be individuals or organizations.
To "modify" a work means to copy from or adapt all or part of the work
in a fashion requiring copyright permission, other than the making of an
exact copy. The resulting work is called a "modified version" of the
earlier work or a work "based on" the earlier work.
A "covered work" means either the unmodified Program or a work based
on the Program.
To "propagate" a work means to do anything with it that, without
permission, would make you directly or secondarily liable for
infringement under applicable copyright law, except executing it on a
computer or modifying a private copy. Propagation includes copying,
distribution (with or without modification), making available to the
public, and in some countries other activities as well.
To "convey" a work means any kind of propagation that enables other
parties to make or receive copies. Mere interaction with a user through
a computer network, with no transfer of a copy, is not conveying.
An interactive user interface displays "Appropriate Legal Notices"
to the extent that it includes a convenient and prominently visible
feature that (1) displays an appropriate copyright notice, and (2)
tells the user that there is no warranty for the work (except to the
extent that warranties are provided), that licensees may convey the
work under this License, and how to view a copy of this License. If
the interface presents a list of user commands or options, such as a
menu, a prominent item in the list meets this criterion.
1. Source Code.
The "source code" for a work means the preferred form of the work
for making modifications to it. "Object code" means any non-source
form of a work.
A "Standard Interface" means an interface that either is an official
standard defined by a recognized standards body, or, in the case of
interfaces specified for a particular programming language, one that
is widely used among developers working in that language.
The "System Libraries" of an executable work include anything, other
than the work as a whole, that (a) is included in the normal form of
packaging a Major Component, but which is not part of that Major
Component, and (b) serves only to enable use of the work with that
Major Component, or to implement a Standard Interface for which an
implementation is available to the public in source code form. A
"Major Component", in this context, means a major essential component
(kernel, window system, and so on) of the specific operating system
(if any) on which the executable work runs, or a compiler used to
produce the work, or an object code interpreter used to run it.
The "Corresponding Source" for a work in object code form means all
the source code needed to generate, install, and (for an executable
work) run the object code and to modify the work, including scripts to
control those activities. However, it does not include the work's
System Libraries, or general-purpose tools or generally available free
programs which are used unmodified in performing those activities but
which are not part of the work. For example, Corresponding Source
includes interface definition files associated with source files for
the work, and the source code for shared libraries and dynamically
linked subprograms that the work is specifically designed to require,
such as by intimate data communication or control flow between those
subprograms and other parts of the work.
The Corresponding Source need not include anything that users
can regenerate automatically from other parts of the Corresponding
Source.
The Corresponding Source for a work in source code form is that
same work.
2. Basic Permissions.
All rights granted under this License are granted for the term of
copyright on the Program, and are irrevocable provided the stated
conditions are met. This License explicitly affirms your unlimited
permission to run the unmodified Program. The output from running a
covered work is covered by this License only if the output, given its
content, constitutes a covered work. This License acknowledges your
rights of fair use or other equivalent, as provided by copyright law.
You may make, run and propagate covered works that you do not
convey, without conditions so long as your license otherwise remains
in force. You may convey covered works to others for the sole purpose
of having them make modifications exclusively for you, or provide you
with facilities for running those works, provided that you comply with
the terms of this License in conveying all material for which you do
not control copyright. Those thus making or running the covered works
for you must do so exclusively on your behalf, under your direction
and control, on terms that prohibit them from making any copies of
your copyrighted material outside their relationship with you.
Conveying under any other circumstances is permitted solely under
the conditions stated below. Sublicensing is not allowed; section 10
makes it unnecessary.
3. Protecting Users' Legal Rights From Anti-Circumvention Law.
No covered work shall be deemed part of an effective technological
measure under any applicable law fulfilling obligations under article
11 of the WIPO copyright treaty adopted on 20 December 1996, or
similar laws prohibiting or restricting circumvention of such
measures.
When you convey a covered work, you waive any legal power to forbid
circumvention of technological measures to the extent such circumvention
is effected by exercising rights under this License with respect to
the covered work, and you disclaim any intention to limit operation or
modification of the work as a means of enforcing, against the work's
users, your or third parties' legal rights to forbid circumvention of
technological measures.
4. Conveying Verbatim Copies.
You may convey verbatim copies of the Program's source code as you
receive it, in any medium, provided that you conspicuously and
appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice;
keep intact all notices stating that this License and any
non-permissive terms added in accord with section 7 apply to the code;
keep intact all notices of the absence of any warranty; and give all
recipients a copy of this License along with the Program.
You may charge any price or no price for each copy that you convey,
and you may offer support or warranty protection for a fee.
5. Conveying Modified Source Versions.
You may convey a work based on the Program, or the modifications to
produce it from the Program, in the form of source code under the
terms of section 4, provided that you also meet all of these conditions:
a) The work must carry prominent notices stating that you modified
it, and giving a relevant date.
b) The work must carry prominent notices stating that it is
released under this License and any conditions added under section
7. This requirement modifies the requirement in section 4 to
"keep intact all notices".
c) You must license the entire work, as a whole, under this
License to anyone who comes into possession of a copy. This
License will therefore apply, along with any applicable section 7
additional terms, to the whole of the work, and all its parts,
regardless of how they are packaged. This License gives no
permission to license the work in any other way, but it does not
invalidate such permission if you have separately received it.
d) If the work has interactive user interfaces, each must display
Appropriate Legal Notices; however, if the Program has interactive
interfaces that do not display Appropriate Legal Notices, your
work need not make them do so.
A compilation of a covered work with other separate and independent
works, which are not by their nature extensions of the covered work,
and which are not combined with it such as to form a larger program,
in or on a volume of a storage or distribution medium, is called an
"aggregate" if the compilation and its resulting copyright are not
used to limit the access or legal rights of the compilation's users
beyond what the individual works permit. Inclusion of a covered work
in an aggregate does not cause this License to apply to the other
parts of the aggregate.
6. Conveying Non-Source Forms.
You may convey a covered work in object code form under the terms
of sections 4 and 5, provided that you also convey the
machine-readable Corresponding Source under the terms of this License,
in one of these ways:
a) Convey the object code in, or embodied in, a physical product
(including a physical distribution medium), accompanied by the
Corresponding Source fixed on a durable physical medium
customarily used for software interchange.
b) Convey the object code in, or embodied in, a physical product
(including a physical distribution medium), accompanied by a
written offer, valid for at least three years and valid for as
long as you offer spare parts or customer support for that product
model, to give anyone who possesses the object code either (1) a
copy of the Corresponding Source for all the software in the
product that is covered by this License, on a durable physical
medium customarily used for software interchange, for a price no
more than your reasonable cost of physically performing this
conveying of source, or (2) access to copy the
Corresponding Source from a network server at no charge.
c) Convey individual copies of the object code with a copy of the
written offer to provide the Corresponding Source. This
alternative is allowed only occasionally and noncommercially, and
only if you received the object code with such an offer, in accord
with subsection 6b.
d) Convey the object code by offering access from a designated
place (gratis or for a charge), and offer equivalent access to the
Corresponding Source in the same way through the same place at no
further charge. You need not require recipients to copy the
Corresponding Source along with the object code. If the place to
copy the object code is a network server, the Corresponding Source
may be on a different server (operated by you or a third party)
that supports equivalent copying facilities, provided you maintain
clear directions next to the object code saying where to find the
Corresponding Source. Regardless of what server hosts the
Corresponding Source, you remain obligated to ensure that it is
available for as long as needed to satisfy these requirements.
e) Convey the object code using peer-to-peer transmission, provided
you inform other peers where the object code and Corresponding
Source of the work are being offered to the general public at no
charge under subsection 6d.
A separable portion of the object code, whose source code is excluded
from the Corresponding Source as a System Library, need not be
included in conveying the object code work.
A "User Product" is either (1) a "consumer product", which means any
tangible personal property which is normally used for personal, family,
or household purposes, or (2) anything designed or sold for incorporation
into a dwelling. In determining whether a product is a consumer product,
doubtful cases shall be resolved in favor of coverage. For a particular
product received by a particular user, "normally used" refers to a
typical or common use of that class of product, regardless of the status
of the particular user or of the way in which the particular user
actually uses, or expects or is expected to use, the product. A product
is a consumer product regardless of whether the product has substantial
commercial, industrial or non-consumer uses, unless such uses represent
the only significant mode of use of the product.
"Installation Information" for a User Product means any methods,
procedures, authorization keys, or other information required to install
and execute modified versions of a covered work in that User Product from
a modified version of its Corresponding Source. The information must
suffice to ensure that the continued functioning of the modified object
code is in no case prevented or interfered with solely because
modification has been made.
If you convey an object code work under this section in, or with, or
specifically for use in, a User Product, and the conveying occurs as
part of a transaction in which the right of possession and use of the
User Product is transferred to the recipient in perpetuity or for a
fixed term (regardless of how the transaction is characterized), the
Corresponding Source conveyed under this section must be accompanied
by the Installation Information. But this requirement does not apply
if neither you nor any third party retains the ability to install
modified object code on the User Product (for example, the work has
been installed in ROM).
The requirement to provide Installation Information does not include a
requirement to continue to provide support service, warranty, or updates
for a work that has been modified or installed by the recipient, or for
the User Product in which it has been modified or installed. Access to a
network may be denied when the modification itself materially and
adversely affects the operation of the network or violates the rules and
protocols for communication across the network.
Corresponding Source conveyed, and Installation Information provided,
in accord with this section must be in a format that is publicly
documented (and with an implementation available to the public in
source code form), and must require no special password or key for
unpacking, reading or copying.
7. Additional Terms.
"Additional permissions" are terms that supplement the terms of this
License by making exceptions from one or more of its conditions.
Additional permissions that are applicable to the entire Program shall
be treated as though they were included in this License, to the extent
that they are valid under applicable law. If additional permissions
apply only to part of the Program, that part may be used separately
under those permissions, but the entire Program remains governed by
this License without regard to the additional permissions.
When you convey a copy of a covered work, you may at your option
remove any additional permissions from that copy, or from any part of
it. (Additional permissions may be written to require their own
removal in certain cases when you modify the work.) You may place
additional permissions on material, added by you to a covered work,
for which you have or can give appropriate copyright permission.
Notwithstanding any other provision of this License, for material you
add to a covered work, you may (if authorized by the copyright holders of
that material) supplement the terms of this License with terms:
a) Disclaiming warranty or limiting liability differently from the
terms of sections 15 and 16 of this License; or
b) Requiring preservation of specified reasonable legal notices or
author attributions in that material or in the Appropriate Legal
Notices displayed by works containing it; or
c) Prohibiting misrepresentation of the origin of that material, or
requiring that modified versions of such material be marked in
reasonable ways as different from the original version; or
d) Limiting the use for publicity purposes of names of licensors or
authors of the material; or
e) Declining to grant rights under trademark law for use of some
trade names, trademarks, or service marks; or
f) Requiring indemnification of licensors and authors of that
material by anyone who conveys the material (or modified versions of
it) with contractual assumptions of liability to the recipient, for
any liability that these contractual assumptions directly impose on
those licensors and authors.
All other non-permissive additional terms are considered "further
restrictions" within the meaning of section 10. If the Program as you
received it, or any part of it, contains a notice stating that it is
governed by this License along with a term that is a further
restriction, you may remove that term. If a license document contains
a further restriction but permits relicensing or conveying under this
License, you may add to a covered work material governed by the terms
of that license document, provided that the further restriction does
not survive such relicensing or conveying.
If you add terms to a covered work in accord with this section, you
must place, in the relevant source files, a statement of the
additional terms that apply to those files, or a notice indicating
where to find the applicable terms.
Additional terms, permissive or non-permissive, may be stated in the
form of a separately written license, or stated as exceptions;
the above requirements apply either way.
8. Termination.
You may not propagate or modify a covered work except as expressly
provided under this License. Any attempt otherwise to propagate or
modify it is void, and will automatically terminate your rights under
this License (including any patent licenses granted under the third
paragraph of section 11).
However, if you cease all violation of this License, then your
license from a particular copyright holder is reinstated (a)
provisionally, unless and until the copyright holder explicitly and
finally terminates your license, and (b) permanently, if the copyright
holder fails to notify you of the violation by some reasonable means
prior to 60 days after the cessation.
Moreover, your license from a particular copyright holder is
reinstated permanently if the copyright holder notifies you of the
violation by some reasonable means, this is the first time you have
received notice of violation of this License (for any work) from that
copyright holder, and you cure the violation prior to 30 days after
your receipt of the notice.
Termination of your rights under this section does not terminate the
licenses of parties who have received copies or rights from you under
this License. If your rights have been terminated and not permanently
reinstated, you do not qualify to receive new licenses for the same
material under section 10.
9. Acceptance Not Required for Having Copies.
You are not required to accept this License in order to receive or
run a copy of the Program. Ancillary propagation of a covered work
occurring solely as a consequence of using peer-to-peer transmission
to receive a copy likewise does not require acceptance. However,
nothing other than this License grants you permission to propagate or
modify any covered work. These actions infringe copyright if you do
not accept this License. Therefore, by modifying or propagating a
covered work, you indicate your acceptance of this License to do so.
10. Automatic Licensing of Downstream Recipients.
Each time you convey a covered work, the recipient automatically
receives a license from the original licensors, to run, modify and
propagate that work, subject to this License. You are not responsible
for enforcing compliance by third parties with this License.
An "entity transaction" is a transaction transferring control of an
organization, or substantially all assets of one, or subdividing an
organization, or merging organizations. If propagation of a covered
work results from an entity transaction, each party to that
transaction who receives a copy of the work also receives whatever
licenses to the work the party's predecessor in interest had or could
give under the previous paragraph, plus a right to possession of the
Corresponding Source of the work from the predecessor in interest, if
the predecessor has it or can get it with reasonable efforts.
You may not impose any further restrictions on the exercise of the
rights granted or affirmed under this License. For example, you may
not impose a license fee, royalty, or other charge for exercise of
rights granted under this License, and you may not initiate litigation
(including a cross-claim or counterclaim in a lawsuit) alleging that
any patent claim is infringed by making, using, selling, offering for
sale, or importing the Program or any portion of it.
11. Patents.
A "contributor" is a copyright holder who authorizes use under this
License of the Program or a work on which the Program is based. The
work thus licensed is called the contributor's "contributor version".
A contributor's "essential patent claims" are all patent claims
owned or controlled by the contributor, whether already acquired or
hereafter acquired, that would be infringed by some manner, permitted
by this License, of making, using, or selling its contributor version,
but do not include claims that would be infringed only as a
consequence of further modification of the contributor version. For
purposes of this definition, "control" includes the right to grant
patent sublicenses in a manner consistent with the requirements of
this License.
Each contributor grants you a non-exclusive, worldwide, royalty-free
patent license under the contributor's essential patent claims, to
make, use, sell, offer for sale, import and otherwise run, modify and
propagate the contents of its contributor version.
In the following three paragraphs, a "patent license" is any express
agreement or commitment, however denominated, not to enforce a patent
(such as an express permission to practice a patent or covenant not to
sue for patent infringement). To "grant" such a patent license to a
party means to make such an agreement or commitment not to enforce a
patent against the party.
If you convey a covered work, knowingly relying on a patent license,
and the Corresponding Source of the work is not available for anyone
to copy, free of charge and under the terms of this License, through a
publicly available network server or other readily accessible means,
then you must either (1) cause the Corresponding Source to be so
available, or (2) arrange to deprive yourself of the benefit of the
patent license for this particular work, or (3) arrange, in a manner
consistent with the requirements of this License, to extend the patent
license to downstream recipients. "Knowingly relying" means you have
actual knowledge that, but for the patent license, your conveying the
covered work in a country, or your recipient's use of the covered work
in a country, would infringe one or more identifiable patents in that
country that you have reason to believe are valid.
If, pursuant to or in connection with a single transaction or
arrangement, you convey, or propagate by procuring conveyance of, a
covered work, and grant a patent license to some of the parties
receiving the covered work authorizing them to use, propagate, modify
or convey a specific copy of the covered work, then the patent license
you grant is automatically extended to all recipients of the covered
work and works based on it.
A patent license is "discriminatory" if it does not include within
the scope of its coverage, prohibits the exercise of, or is
conditioned on the non-exercise of one or more of the rights that are
specifically granted under this License. You may not convey a covered
work if you are a party to an arrangement with a third party that is
in the business of distributing software, under which you make payment
to the third party based on the extent of your activity of conveying
the work, and under which the third party grants, to any of the
parties who would receive the covered work from you, a discriminatory
patent license (a) in connection with copies of the covered work
conveyed by you (or copies made from those copies), or (b) primarily
for and in connection with specific products or compilations that
contain the covered work, unless you entered into that arrangement,
or that patent license was granted, prior to 28 March 2007.
Nothing in this License shall be construed as excluding or limiting
any implied license or other defenses to infringement that may
otherwise be available to you under applicable patent law.
12. No Surrender of Others' Freedom.
If conditions are imposed on you (whether by court order, agreement or
otherwise) that contradict the conditions of this License, they do not
excuse you from the conditions of this License. If you cannot convey a
covered work so as to satisfy simultaneously your obligations under this
License and any other pertinent obligations, then as a consequence you may
not convey it at all. For example, if you agree to terms that obligate you
to collect a royalty for further conveying from those to whom you convey
the Program, the only way you could satisfy both those terms and this
License would be to refrain entirely from conveying the Program.
13. Remote Network Interaction; Use with the GNU General Public License.
Notwithstanding any other provision of this License, if you modify the
Program, your modified version must prominently offer all users
interacting with it remotely through a computer network (if your version
supports such interaction) an opportunity to receive the Corresponding
Source of your version by providing access to the Corresponding Source
from a network server at no charge, through some standard or customary
means of facilitating copying of software. This Corresponding Source
shall include the Corresponding Source for any work covered by version 3
of the GNU General Public License that is incorporated pursuant to the
following paragraph.
Notwithstanding any other provision of this License, you have
permission to link or combine any covered work with a work licensed
under version 3 of the GNU General Public License into a single
combined work, and to convey the resulting work. The terms of this
License will continue to apply to the part which is the covered work,
but the work with which it is combined will remain governed by version
3 of the GNU General Public License.
14. Revised Versions of this License.
The Free Software Foundation may publish revised and/or new versions of
the GNU Affero General Public License from time to time. Such new versions
will be similar in spirit to the present version, but may differ in detail to
address new problems or concerns.
Each version is given a distinguishing version number. If the
Program specifies that a certain numbered version of the GNU Affero General
Public License "or any later version" applies to it, you have the
option of following the terms and conditions either of that numbered
version or of any later version published by the Free Software
Foundation. If the Program does not specify a version number of the
GNU Affero General Public License, you may choose any version ever published
by the Free Software Foundation.
If the Program specifies that a proxy can decide which future
versions of the GNU Affero General Public License can be used, that proxy's
public statement of acceptance of a version permanently authorizes you
to choose that version for the Program.
Later license versions may give you additional or different
permissions. However, no additional obligations are imposed on any
author or copyright holder as a result of your choosing to follow a
later version.
15. Disclaimer of Warranty.
THERE IS NO WARRANTY FOR THE PROGRAM, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY
APPLICABLE LAW. EXCEPT WHEN OTHERWISE STATED IN WRITING THE COPYRIGHT
HOLDERS AND/OR OTHER PARTIES PROVIDE THE PROGRAM "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTY
OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO,
THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR
PURPOSE. THE ENTIRE RISK AS TO THE QUALITY AND PERFORMANCE OF THE PROGRAM
IS WITH YOU. SHOULD THE PROGRAM PROVE DEFECTIVE, YOU ASSUME THE COST OF
ALL NECESSARY SERVICING, REPAIR OR CORRECTION.
16. Limitation of Liability.
IN NO EVENT UNLESS REQUIRED BY APPLICABLE LAW OR AGREED TO IN WRITING
WILL ANY COPYRIGHT HOLDER, OR ANY OTHER PARTY WHO MODIFIES AND/OR CONVEYS
THE PROGRAM AS PERMITTED ABOVE, BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR DAMAGES, INCLUDING ANY
GENERAL, SPECIAL, INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES ARISING OUT OF THE
USE OR INABILITY TO USE THE PROGRAM (INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO LOSS OF
DATA OR DATA BEING RENDERED INACCURATE OR LOSSES SUSTAINED BY YOU OR THIRD
PARTIES OR A FAILURE OF THE PROGRAM TO OPERATE WITH ANY OTHER PROGRAMS),
EVEN IF SUCH HOLDER OR OTHER PARTY HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
SUCH DAMAGES.
17. Interpretation of Sections 15 and 16.
If the disclaimer of warranty and limitation of liability provided
above cannot be given local legal effect according to their terms,
reviewing courts shall apply local law that most closely approximates
an absolute waiver of all civil liability in connection with the
Program, unless a warranty or assumption of liability accompanies a
copy of the Program in return for a fee.
END OF TERMS AND CONDITIONS
How to Apply These Terms to Your New Programs
If you develop a new program, and you want it to be of the greatest
possible use to the public, the best way to achieve this is to make it
free software which everyone can redistribute and change under these terms.
To do so, attach the following notices to the program. It is safest
to attach them to the start of each source file to most effectively
state the exclusion of warranty; and each file should have at least
the "copyright" line and a pointer to where the full notice is found.
<one line to give the program's name and a brief idea of what it does.>
Copyright (C) <year> <name of author>
This program is free software: you can redistribute it and/or modify
it under the terms of the GNU Affero General Public License as published by
the Free Software Foundation, either version 3 of the License, or
(at your option) any later version.
This program is distributed in the hope that it will be useful,
but WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY; without even the implied warranty of
MERCHANTABILITY or FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. See the
GNU Affero General Public License for more details.
You should have received a copy of the GNU Affero General Public License
along with this program. If not, see <https://www.gnu.org/licenses/>.
Also add information on how to contact you by electronic and paper mail.
If your software can interact with users remotely through a computer
network, you should also make sure that it provides a way for users to
get its source. For example, if your program is a web application, its
interface could display a "Source" link that leads users to an archive
of the code. There are many ways you could offer source, and different
solutions will be better for different programs; see section 13 for the
specific requirements.
You should also get your employer (if you work as a programmer) or school,
if any, to sign a "copyright disclaimer" for the program, if necessary.
For more information on this, and how to apply and follow the GNU AGPL, see
<https://www.gnu.org/licenses/>.
/homepage.html
$!TITLE "homepage" documentation
$!DESCRIPTION one file, one website
"homepage" documentation
the forest
homepage is a single-file static site generator written in UNIX sh(1) shell
script, the goal being to contain a website with heirarchical page
organization within a single file that can be run to extract it out to the
filesystem, almost like a self-extracting UNIX tape archive that documents its
own layout in a UTF-8 script closer to English.
trees
files
To add a file to your homepage, append three newlines ('\n', or the
Enter/Return key on your keyboard) to the end of the homepage file, followed
by the path of the file to add. A homepage file path starts with a slash ('/')
and is followed by the path to the file relative to the prefix directory (the
directory containing homepage). A file path that starts with a hash ('#') is
discarded. For all non-slash- non-hash- prefixed file paths, the behavior of
homepage is undefined.
file attributes
On the same line as the file path, if, after the path, a tab ('\t') is
present, the substring following the first tab in the line and spanning to
and excluding the next tab or newline describes the attributes of the file as
it is exported to the file system. These file attributes are delimited by
commas (',') and there's no limit to the amount of attributes a file can
have, though in the event of conflicting attributes the later attribute
"wins" the conflict.
attribute
default?
action
"figuratively"
yes
Indicates the file should be subject to macro expansion.
"ignore"
no
Ignore the current entry.
"literally"
no
Opposite of "figuratively".
"stub"
yes
Indicates the file should be exported to the filesystem with the
appropriate Prefix and Suffix files prepended or appended.
This is FRU 2060 in the hardware maintenance manual.
Some models have the camera, some don't.
It will be in the middle of the top of the screen bezel (looking at the screen with the lenovo logo oriented normally); some have a black plastic trapezoidal cover, some have the camera option.
Camera kits are available on-line for the X200 Tablet for around US$15 or so at time of writing.
SATA drive
As far as I know, any 2.5" SATA laptop-sized drive will work.
To replace the drive, locate the drive cover between the stylus holder and RJ-11 modem port on the right side of the laptop.
Unscrew the screw holding in the cover, to which the hard drive icon on the bottom of the laptop under the stylus holder is pointing.
Lift out the cover and there the drive will be exposed.
Hard drive caddy
Most of the eBay listings for X200 Tablets don't have hard drive covers or caddies.
You will want a caddy because it makes it much easier to get a drive out, and because it spaces out the drive in the space provided and provides some (minimal) amount of shock protection.
This is especially good for hard disks as you don't want those moving around in your laptop chassis, even if there's no risk of them being disconnected.
In a pinch you can use cardboard to space out a drive.
I made out okay using folded cardstock given that my X200 Tablet was going nowhere except my desk.
You should not do this for long periods, not really because there's some risk that increases as time wears on but just because in general it's stupid.
The same rubber rails that go around the hard drive, and the same metal thing that you screw onto the drive that has the black ribbon attached used to pull the drive out, are used for the X200, X200S, X200 Tablet, X201, X201S, X201 Tablet, T420, T420S, T430, and T430S, as far as I know.
Rubber rails for the X220 Tablet did not work, nor did the bay cover for the X220 Tablet work for the X200 Tablet.
Memory
This is FRU 1040 DIMM in the hardware maintenance manual.
The system memory modules and the access panel only have to be removed if the modules specifically are being replaced or if the system mainboard is getting replaced.
RealBlackStuff says
the X200 Tablet is compatible with DDR3-1066 (PC3-8500) and DDR3-1333 (PC3-10600).
It's possible to have 8GB memory installed.
eBay seller laptopused correlates that DDR3-1333 dual-rank memory should work.
Apparently for technical reasons the X200 Tablet must take 2Rx8 memory; two ranks of eight chips, and for 8GB memory, 256MB per chip (divide 8192MB by 2 modules * 2 ranks * 8 chips).
OEM-configured laptops can have DDR3-1066 memory from Elpida or Samsung.
Laptop Mag says the laptop came with 2GB RAM by default and is upgradeable to 4GB but most laptops for sale secondhand have 4GB memory installed.
Types 7449-43U and 7450-EYU came with 2x2GB DDR3-1066 SO-DIMM (PC3-8500).
I got in touch with eBay seller woosterpsu who was auctioning off an X200 Tablet to benefit the Electronic Frontier Foundation with 8GB RAM installed and reported in the BIOS.
The seller sent me an image of the installed memory: a Hynix 4GB 2Rx8 PC3-10600S and a Dell P/N SNPX830DC/4G, both scavenged from other laptops.
These are confirmed working in a Core2 Duo L9400 X200 Tablet.
Screws
Per the hardware maintenance manual (page 225), the following screws are necessary for full assembly of the X200 Tablet:
Quantity
Head
Length
Style
Color
1
M1.6
6mm
Wafer head
Silver
1
M2
2.5mm
Wafer head
Black
11
M2
3mm
Flat head
Black
18
M2
3.5mm
Wafer head
Silver
1
M2
3.5mm
Wafer head
Black
3
M2
6mm
Wafer head
Silver
13
M2
6mm
Wafer head
Black
1
M2
3mm
Stud (height=4.2mm)
Black
1
M2
3mm
Stud (height=5.5mm)
Black
6
M2.5
6mm
Wafer head
Black
9
M2.5
8mm
Wafer head
Black
1
M3
3mm
Wafer head (HDD screw)
Black
Additionally listed are 9 circular screw caps and 6 square screw caps.
Two screw kits are listed with part numbers 45N3139 and 60Y4164.
The difference is that 45N3139 has one more M2x3.5mm silver wafer head screw listed (18 versus 17).
45N3139's contents in particular are reflected in the table above.
On page 79 of the hardware maintenance manual some very rarely-noted screw notices are listed that are worth repeating, though it's up to the maintainer to follow the practices they so choose:
Always use new screws. (This is repeated earlier in the page; according to the manual, ThinkPad Notebooks have "special nylon-coated screws" that should be used only once.)
Use a torque screwdriver if you have one.
When tightening plastic against plastic, turn an additional 90 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.
When tightening logic cards against plastic, turn an additional 180 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.
If you have a torque driver, refer to the "Torque" column for each step.
Make sure that you use the correct screw.
If you have a torque screwdriver, tighten all screws firmly to the torque shown in the table.
Never use a screw that you removed. Use a new one. Make sure that all of the screws are tightened firmly.
Software
For some procedures in the hardware maintenance manual a ThinkPad Hardware Maintenance Diskette is needed.
This was available only to licensed dealers.
Here's a chart of executable names relevant to the X200 Tablet as provided from Lenovo and their product names.
A lot of this is sourced from hearsay and olden lore so it may not be fully accurate, and definitely isn't complete.
Also, I trimmed down redundant sections of product names - for example, 7wuj45uc.iso is actually BIOS Update Bootable CD for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP - ThinkPad but if it's bootable itself operating system compatibility likely doesn't matter.
Executable
Product name
Version
6itr02ww.zip
BIOS Settings Capture/Playback Utility
4.01
7wuj45uc.iso
BIOS Update Bootable CD
3.21
7wuj45u6.exe
BIOS Update Utility for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP
3.21
6ea118ww.exe
Conexant Audio Driver for Windows Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP
4.92.15.0 / 3.64.15.0
6ea160ww.exe
Conexant Audio Software for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit)
4.92.12.0
maint150.exe
IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)
1.50
maint160.exe
IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)
1.60
maint169.exe
IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)
1.69
i7tm23us.exe
IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)
1.75
i7tm25us.exe
IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)
1.77
i7tm37us.exe
Unknown
Unknown
i7tm38us.exe
IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)
1.89
83ts04ww.exe
ThinkPad BIOS Settings for Windows 7 (32-bit), Vista (32-bit), XP, 2000
3.03
Lenovo's X200 Tablet downloads won't last forever.
Here's a JavaScript that allows a user to download arbitrary executables from Lenovo's download servers.
The following operating systems were available pre-installed by the OEM, depending on the variant:
Linux system usage is described in detail on the Arch GNU+Linux wiki - any Linux or UNIX specific knowledge I have I add to the Arch wiki rather than putting on this page.
Stylus
The X200 Tablet originally came with a single-button stylus with a gray "eraser".
I found some single-button stylus from eBay, with a red "eraser", and that worked too.
I have a two-button stylus that came with another X200 Tablet but it's as of yet untested.
The Fujitsu T-5000 digitizer pen does work, identically according to xev(1).
Do not try to insert two-button Thinkpad styluses into the stylus holder of the X200 Tablet as they'll become stuck in there because of how the buttons are shaped.
To remove a stuck stylus the digitizer pen case (part number 45N3146) must be unscrewed and removed from the chassis.
Following the hardware maintenance manual, remove FRUs "1020 Battery pack" and "1060 Keyboard" and follow steps 6 and 7 of the removal process of FRU "1180 DC-in connector, fan, digitizer pen case, and pen switch assembly".
No other FRUs need to be removed, nor do any other steps of the removal process of FRU 1180 need to be followed.
/hacker-howto/index.html
$!TITLE How to Become A Hacker
A lot of hackers consider Eric S. Raymond's original How to Become A Hacker to be definitive, for good reason.
It explains the "hacker philosophy", some key things at which one should be good, and is a good compass that points to What to Learn Next.
I myself stumbled upon the document maybe a decade or so ago, when I was a small impressionable child, and know half of what I do because of where it pointed me.
I think, however, that How to Become A Hacker is a bit dated, so I'm writing this to be a nice complementary piece for those to read after they read esr's original.
Python is an okay first language as long as you don't take it too seriously.
As said by smarter people than me, Python is a glue language.
It's slow and a bit basic, but its errors are often easy to solve, so do as much as you can with Python and Python libraries, and do the rest in faster languages.
Never touch Java.
Not even once.
While at one point it was promising, it's become a monstrous beast and it must be slain through attrition.
When you are good at programming you will think outside of programming languages.
Programming languages are tools for a job.
Some are better suited to some tasks than others.
For example, I would use C as a language for building utilities for myself, as I want them to be blisteringly fast and I know that's easier to do in C than Python.
I've written utilities in Python to know how I want them to behave, and then perfected them by rewriting them in C.
This being said, when learning a language for the first time, master it, then move on.
2. Get one of the open-source Unixes and learn to use and run it.
Don't try to program on Microsoft Windows.
Seriously.
This is the one mistake almost all beginners make; they'll install fifty different tools onto their MS Windows system in order to make a simple program that doesn't really work because their tutorial only works for UNIX.
Just install a Free UNIX-clone ("clone" in this context is not a bad thing; most Free UNIX-clones are much more practical in this world than the original) and learn how to work in it.
In fact, you may want to learn shell before anything else.
When you know how to
Make a directory,
Make an empty file within that directory,
Overwrite the file with exactly 500B of random data,
Mark the file as executable,
Print the file to the terminal as readable, hexadecimal data,
And remove the directory and the file,
you will know enough to start on your journey into hacking.
BSDs are awesome and I use a BSD myself, but perhaps start with Linux as there's a much bigger community to help you there.
There are no longer any good non-UNIX operating systems.
The importance of choosing a Free operating system cannot be understated.
It's hard to learn from your OS's code when your OS's code is only readable by those within the corporation that made the OS.
Don't use Ubuntu as it suffers from many of the flaws that drive non-hacker Windows users to Linux-based systems.
Instead, try Linux Mint, which is based on Ubuntu but without the more annoying issues.
3. Learn how to use the World Wide Web and write HTML.
View the source code of the original How to Become A Hacker and then read the source code to this webpage.
4. If you don't have functional English, learn it.
It's unfortunate that English has become the lingua franca of the Internet.
But it's true, it has, and it's more or less required learning if you want to become a hacker.
5. Learn to use a search engine.
This is my own tip.
This is the most important thing on this page.
How to accomplish this is an exercise left to the reader.
/style.css verbatim
@font-face {
font-family: "unscii16";
src: url("unscii-16.ttf") format("ttf"),
url("unscii-16.woff") format("woff");
}
a { color: #fff; }
body { /* copied from a textfile site because idk css */
background: #000;
color: #ffdbdb;
display: grid;
grid-template-rows: auto 1fr auto;
margin: 0 auto 0 auto;
text-align: left;
width: 80ch;
}
.txt {
font-family: "unscii16", monospace;
font-smooth: never;
-webkit-font-smoothing: none;
-moz-osx-font-smoothing: grayscale;
}
pre { /* DRY who? */
font-family: "unscii16", monospace;
font-smooth: never;
-webkit-font-smoothing: none;
-moz-osx-font-smoothing: grayscale;
}
@media (prefers-color-scheme: light) {
a { color: #000 !important; }
body { background: #eee !important;
color: #333 !important; }
}
/blah/2024-09-29.html
I'm 21 years old. The first time I purchased alcohol, legally, I.D. and
everything, I bought a bottle of Smirnoff 90-proof. The second time, I bought a
bottle of something else 100-proof, then some 190-proof Everclear and got a
nip of the same 100-proof for free because it was so close to my birthday. That
was cool. I got blackout drunk for the first time while playing Super Monkey
Ball 2 with some friends on a borrowed Wii and broke a martini glass and
sprained my thumb - 14 shots or so. We had 2/3s of a bottle of vodka. Swell.
I have to do some work for a gig - accepted only in LaTeX. I don't know LaTeX.
I only have time to do this by tomorrow. Fortunately a friend does know LaTeX.
Its resources and I are giving myself a crash course tonight.
So I have my trusty OpenBSD KVM booted up as Raspbian is a piss-poor working
environment (mysterious libc issues).
# pkg_add texlive_base
I don't know what I'm doing. I hope this gives me enough to get started. It's
2326 local time. I popped a caf pill. I'm sitting on the floor, on my sleeping
bag, using a cheap keyboard in front of a bright monitor otherwise in the dark.
This feels like the old days - though I can't call them good. Perhaps soothing.
Listening to In Rainbows. How many times have I listened to this album in the
last 16 years?
I can't paste with this keyboard as its shitty little trackpad doesn't have a
third button. There are errors and I'm sysupgrade(8)ing to see if that'll fix
them.
/blah/2024-09-14.html
If you write like you're writing poetry, you're doing it wrong.
If you write like you're writing prose, you're doing it wrong.
If you write, with your opinions, you're doing it wrong.
If you write with your opinions you're doing it wrong.
If you write in your opinions you're doing it wrong.
If you don't know what to write you're doing it wrong.
If you do know what to write you're doing it wrong.
If you write like someone you've read you're doing it wrong.
If you write like nobody you've read you're doing it wrong.
Blah blah blah. Do it wrong.
I'm stuck in a state of permanent pleasant melancholy. Autumn is my favorite
season. I've been away from Maine damn near a year and I told everyone there
I'd visit inside of six months. I think my old roommate Scott is dead. I've
been waiting for the bus here for half of forever. The wind rocks me every time
a car goes by.
/blah/2024-08-20.html
: story p1
One summer evening about a year ago, I was sitting next to Tracy watching
television when there came a terribly loud series of knocks on our door. I got
up to go find out who it was when Tracy silently raised a hand, reminding me I
couldn't answer. She walked over to the door and was about to undo the lock
when the knocks turned to thuds.
I ran, as silently as I could, to the door and grabbed the aluminium baseball
bat from the small coat closet across the narrow hall. I positioned myself to
the right of the door, the opposite side from the hinges, and readied the bat
before nodding at Tracy. She shook her head. Still - thud! Thud! Thud! She
squinted through the peephole and looked back at me and shrugged. She raised
her fingertips to the deadlock.
"Ah!" she let out a yelp as her fingers contacted the wooden door. I didn't
understand why at first but as she withdrew her hand from the door I noticed
the residue, or film, or syrup, or some sort of non-Newtonian fluid that was
following her index finger, like a string of melted cheese following a piece of
pizza. "It's melting."
"The door?" I asked before I realized. The door had a matte, waxy texture to
it - a texture I hadn't really seen since dropping acid. The deadlock and
doorknob both began - subtly, or perhaps it was my imagination - to fall down
the fluid and the top of the doorway started falling backwards, outwards.
Little red drops, colored by the paint, presumably, crawled towards us along
the surface like drops of water on a shower wall. "How is that possible?"
The thuds stopped. Tracy and I looked at each other. Tracy looked uneasy. Then
her eyes widened and as I turned around, swinging my bat with me, I watched
pitch black fingers gripping the door from the top peel it from the wall, then
blend into the inky darkness that had replaced our usual lit porch. The bat
slipped from my grip and was flung into the darkness, landing about 10 meters
away at the same height of our apartment floor despite our living on the fourth
story of this building.
"I'm calling the police. Something's wrong. Something's really wrong."
Tracy started toward the phone but I grabbed her sleeve. "Please. We can figure
this out."
She looked into my eyes and held her gaze there before slightly smiling. A
quiet: "Okay."
I went over to the kitchen window. I could still see the bright, yellow night
sky polluted by the thousands of streetlights below. I opened the window and
took the screen out. Tracy waited behind me, watching the doorway. I crawled
out onto the porch and helped her make her way with me. All seemed normal. We
crept to the front door of the apartment. I turned the corner to the entrance
but nearly ran into a man, dressed in a suit and tie, sitting on a folding
chair outside our intact, red door. I could feel the blood leave my face.
Behind me, Tracy gasped as she found us. The man stood and looked me in the
eyes. His irises were gray.
-
"Hello Jo."
/blah/2024-08-14.html
My blah has made my life worse. That's why I publish rare, clumped updates - I
don't know if I still want people reading it. But I don't have a diary and my
stuff outside git forges doesn't last, never lasts. Hard drives rust, SD cards
shatter, eMMC chips fry. but there is redundancy on the Internet. And I want to
remember what I've written. And I think some of it is worthy of others' diets.
while it lasted
the words warmed my heart
and gave me something
i didn't know i had
while it lasted
your bed comforted me
i had never slept so well
and i never did again
while it lasted
i saw a sky i'd never seen
breathed air i'd never breathed
heard songs that fascinated me
while it lasted
it meant everything to me
in a hard year
it was something soft
when at last
it meant to leave
for a hard break
its resolution was too soft
and a while later, i forgave it
how did trent reznor feel
when johnny cash took
his song Hurt
and put more hurt
the hurt only age could give
and put it into the song
performing it,
in even reznor's opinion,
better than reznor
i would have burned
red hot rage, and jealousy
for every poem is a lover
and the strummed chords
a tighter matrimony
than any could be given by a priest
a song married to one
that one married to a dozen others
each one means the most
to take it
sacriledge.
trent reznor is cooler than i am
johnny cash was cooler
than i'll ever be
i understand why Not,
and of course Not,
and obviously Not,
but if i was reznor
i would have killed that motherfucker
/blah/2024-08-13.html
There oughtta be more trash bins around on the street. I eat my 50 cent Cow
Tail (not the type of Cow Tail that the CIA paid DPRKoreans to cut off their
cows to cause them to be unable to stand up, thereby compromising their food
supply chain, but the Cow Tail that they sell at cheap corner stores - by that
I mean expensive corner stores that sell stuff for a penny that sells at the
Kroger a dozen for a nickel - with the cream filling and the caramel that looks
so good and tastes so bad and gets lodged in your head as looking bad but
tasting good) oh, you forgot what I was talking about because of the long
fucking parenthetical? Good luck with Baudrillard. And I seek to throw it away
and I can never find a place to throw my fucking wrapper. Tonight I held mine
for the fifteen minutes' walk home. O me miseram et cetera sed fuck you I could
have (and should have) littered my little white piece of cellophane out on the
street. You never see garbage out on the street next to garbage bins - it's
almost too much work to throw it next to a bin than into a bin. It peers at you
from the puddle it landed in when you walk by. Wanna "solve" your homeless
problem? "Solve" as in sweep all the unfortunate souls off to some outskirt of
your city so you don't have to look at them on the way to your six figure job
at some corporate firm conspiring with landlords to raise rent prices. Nobody's
gonna wanna sleep on the street next to a garbage can. One every two meters -
bam, fuck the homeless, clean up the streets, yeah yeah cool thanks Bezosito.
George Carlin playing on the television. Myself playing with my little
keyboard. Now they've put on Voyager.
What's my religion? I saw a bunch of deer outside walking last night. Nearly
ran into them. I thought they were statues at first; still, silent, elegantly
grazing silhouettes standing in the grass lit by the occasional passing car.
"Hello?" One lifted its head. "Hey." I gave a wide berth as I walked past them
for worry that they had some sort of wasting disease but then I realized one
said hello to me and they were simply some animals doing animal things. For a
good while my Prime Directive was to serve Gaia; to give back to the world,
make it better than it was before my coming. This was, to me, the most logical
goal, or at least one that would serve me decently for the entirety of my life.
There's only so much matter on this planet and, for now, no practical way to
transport more water or carbon or anything else over. Why pollute it? Gaia has
finite capacity for hosting human life - though we aren't close to reaching it.
Why lower that capacity, and make everyone's life worse? Before learning about
the Dharma I still had some sense of Kharma, though my sense was more of a
feeling - treat people poorly, and everyone will be poorer for it. Treat people
as best possible, and everyone will be better for it. Serve Gaia; make the
world a better place. "Gaia" is what the Buddhists call Kharma; the health of
our planet, spiritually, physically. I gave the deer berth and let them go on
about their evening. And they didn't bother me either.
i wanna take someone
tie them to a post
in my basement
in a position
where they can only stand up
so they slowly get
more and more fatigued
break them mentally
then cut them loose
and watch them
stick
around
without external relationships
without ambitious desire
without resistance
without worries
without hope
i wanna take someone
i want to keep them
alone
but really i am
alone
-
that being said,
/blah/2024-08-11.html
It's been two years since I updated my Thinkpad X200 Tablet page, probably
because it's been about a year and a half since I started using Raspberry Pis
as my daily drivers.
Four years since I coined "catfella". Someday it might catch on.
my wifi antenna doesn't work
i have connection problems
i say hey how are you doing to strangers
no reply
: cigarette
i flick my lighter
i flick my lighter
i flick my lighter
i hold the cancer stick in my mouth
and cup my hand around the business end
i flick my lighter
inhale
i hope the entire end is burning
so it doesn't canoe
it doesn't canoe
inhale
open my mouth a little more to draw oxygen too
deep into my lungs
my ears start ringing
i can feel my blood pressure spike
head swims
i see stars, i'm so light-headed
inhale
from the pleasure end
i feel so calm
my body is anything but calm
my head hurts
a dull ache
inhale
i check the news, can't read it, put it down
look at the clouds
look at the other clouds
stub now
the cherry's in the filter
i put it out on the bottom of my boot
i smell like it
and everybody with an olfactory nerve knows
i'm cheered up as i go back inside
i feel like shit
: radio silence
i called
you didn't answer
i threw myself at the walls
of my cat carrier
i got cuffed in steel
and they were tied to the floor
and i didn't really feel
l'amor
i called
you didn't answer
i heard you were doing fine
i dug into my skin with an x-acto knife
looking for what changed
i dug into the chat logs
looking for what changed
i heard you were doing fine
i called
you didn't answer
my friends figured i did something horrible
i figured i did something horrible
and i started grasping at straws
i cut my hair
i smoked more heavily
i stopped looking both ways
i called
you didn't answer
i called a friend and asked for advice
they said nothing could justify that kind of silence
except- maybe- had i done something horrible
i didn't know
i called them again
they didn't answer
i called
you didn't answer
and because you didn't answer
i didn't have anyone to call
when i was alone at 2 am
holding an x-acto knife to my wrist and thinking
but i thought
i had to know so
i called
you didn't answer
i sent yet another text message
i posted on my blog
i laid awake at night again
i went in early to work again
i left late again
i did everything but kill myself
i called
you answered
i was overjoyed to hear your voice
after all that time
i had decided maybe i could move past the silence
after all that time
maybe you had been really busy
during all that time
when i called
when you answered
you said it was over
and i had mourned it already
had already cried my tears
had but a spark where once a fire burned
in the catacomb cage in my chest
and i said hallelujah
: equilibrium
take my box cutter and
take my arm and
box cutter
and move down to my wrist
and go with the flow
cover yourself in it
under me in the bathtub
cold like me
but soon i'll be colder
hot blood works faster than a blanket
to warm your skin
with the heat of my heart
pumping out my coolant
into the thin air
i'm still breathing
so do my neck
kiss it
with the blade
before plunging it
in a carotid
and pulling it out quickly
like you hesitated
but you didn't
so i get pulled out too
and end up
all over you
i would give myself
all of myself
every drop of myself
til i was pale faced and dry
and the hair drew from my tightened skin
and i had triangles in my eyes
if
you would just
hold my head in your hands
look into my wet eyes
still blinking
saccading
focusing
pupils dilating
bloodshot
and just
say
it's going to be okay
: old playlists
i want tender love, a Miracle Musical
but i get loveless love, Mindless Self Indulgence
i've wanted something sweet like Guster
but the best i've gotten is short; My Chemical Romance
and then returned to a spectre, haunted - call me Laura Les
i watch the shadows on the streets, a non-passing Susanne Vega
from a diner on the corner blue like Sinatra
and the devil's beating his wife til she dies and then a Creedence Clearwater
Revival
and i listen to my old playlists and Childish Gambino
fuck this is corny
: said who
come downstairs and say hello
how are you doing
say something
your answer is?..
say please
you're welcome
you don't say
then say so
that's what she said
say uncle
please rise for the pledge of allegiance
be quiet
it's not your turn
why would you say that
don't swear
apologize. now
you could say that again
/blah/2024-08-09.html
Last night I got pretty drunk and then smoked a joint and got very high,
bringing me to the otherworldly state of crossfadia. Let me describe the scene.
[...] pours a double shot of tequila and some margarita mix into a salt rimmed
coffee mug. Why a coffee mug? There were only four cocktail glasses. Why
cocktail glasses? There were no margherita - wait, how do you spell that?
Fuckin hell I'm looking it up. Mike Alpha Romeo Golf Alpha Romeo India Tango
Alpha. M A R G A R I T A. Got it. There were no margarita glasses. The cocktail
glasses were pretty easy to rim with salt - salt, a little water, a pyrex
because the plates are in the dishwasher, then roll inwards. The coffee mug -
my coffee mug, by the way, the black one that has a weird handle - did not
behave so well. Eventually there was enough salt on it to haunt a sailor and so
a double shot of tequila and some margarita mix went in. Are you sure you don't
want to add a little more tequila?
[...]: I already pour heavy-handidly, Trin.
That's true. I tried the margarita and I thought it was pretty good, I liked
how the salt complemented the bitterness of the alcohol. Everybody else slowly
tried theirs and remarked upon how awful their drinks were. But they can't
handle their alcohol anyway.
[...]: Hey, do you wanna try tequila shots?
For lack of limes: I balled my left fist and, with the ring of my index finger
and thumb parallel to the floor, [...] put about three or four drops of lime
juice (from a bottle) on the flat part of my fist at that angle, told me to rub
it on the skin, not to rub it /in/ or anything but just to spread it around to
give it more surface area. Alright. It added salt. [...] poured heavy-handidly
again; a single for my friend, a double for me. Alright. We - what order was it
in again? - I think we licked the lime-and-salt, then took the shots.
[...]: You took that shot like a champ. Unfazed.
It's easy to seem good at drinking when you had so much bitter coffee as a kid
- real battery acid sort of coffee. "Good" at drinking, says the almost-
alcoholic. Not really. I've never found it difficult to function for my desire
for Russian Fire-Water (in this case, though, I believe it was Spanish) but I
sure act like an alcoholic according to some of my friends. Perhaps I'm just
silly.
No, no, I'm not even drunk yet - and I wasn't. But I would be. The shots hadn't
hit quite yet. Still, I had two more. Then all six hit me like a Japanese train
hits yet another suicidal pedestrian. Honk honk!
I fell to the ground. Under my control, of course. I simply wanted to feel the
gravity. It felt great.
[...]: You're drunk.
No, I said, getting to my feet and perching a magnificent flamingo pose, I am
quite agile, like a shit software development cycle. I'm zen.
[...]: Uh huh.
Then we went out and [...] and I smoked two joints, one each, and during that I
realized I became crossfaded and got really horny and started hitting on faer
and fae put a cigarette out on me which we both knew I would really like, and
now the burn is a cute blister on my arm.
Then we went in and I don't quite remember the rest except that I probably
didn't have sex (speaking for myself; it would have been fine if I did, but I'm
glad I didn't because it would have probably not been that great) because I
woke up in the living room on the futon at about god-knows-when in the morning
with a trickle of dawn light eeking through the blinds and Pop Tart wrappers on
the living room table - two of them. No, three. Plus an empty bottle of Moxie
for which [...] was gonna suck me off.
A fox was drinking out of the tap, so I let it, and it left and I filled my
coffee mug with water and drank it and it tasted like the margarita mix still.
: the last burger work poetry for now
you could say I'm from somewhere or so
halfway between anywhere and none at all
blissfully ignorant of mortal concerns
head made of metal with nothing left to learn
2024-08-06
it's been some time since I've loved
been such a long time with no one
waiting a long time in this brush
I'm surviving on an island
lovin' ain't findin' me
hopin' ain't findin' me
searchin' ain't gettin' me
out of my misery
/blah/2024-08-08.html
It's the wee hour of the morning, nearly 0333 in my time zone. I'm hunched over
the keyboard like an alcoholic with its only bottle of whiskey, a heroin addict
with something arbitrary like some stick or something. I've been somewhat, kind
of, unemployed - not really, as I have a job at [...] I'm starting on the
ninth, but I put my two weeks' notice in and took them and now I've no
obligations as a result of employment 'til the ninth. Something primal has
awakened in me. My roommates don't know how to use the microwave. Here's what
they do: they pop the food in, watch the turntable spin inside the little view-
port, watch the cheese melt or ramen boil or butter soften, and when it
finishes they hit STOP and take the freshly heated food out of the microwave.
We are all scared of the microwave. I never used one in Maine, [...] never used
one in [...], nor did [...] here... the [...]s did use microwaves, I believe,
but [...] uses the microwave like a fox figuring out how to get a rabbit out of
a snare, hovering around it despite setting a time, eager to get the contents.
These are the sort of things I notice, not having a job. The terrible little
details. The microwave display is always on, as there's always a remainder, a
little bit left to go before someone hit STOP. I imagine the next user would
hit START, run the time out, add another minute like when you find the parking
meter already has one or two quarters in it. 0:11 just now. I hit STOP again.
0:00. STOP one more time. Now the display is off. The little things I notice.
I've been reading Bukowski lately - Bukowski! Most dirty old men keep their
dirty old thoughts in their head, the sly tricksters - Bukowski takes his and
makes a million off the publishing, goes to the track with it and loses half of
it on a horse that had low odds in the first place. Capitalism takes the skim
off workers' creams. Then spends the rest of the money on prostitutes - a
girl's gotta eat. I get off to guro silently in the wee hours of the morning,
alone, hopefully. Bukowski attends an orgy, loudly announces his ejaculation,
shoots a hearty stream of cum into a lass he doesn't know has syphilis. Love is
a dog from hell. Yes indeed. Maybe I'll attend orgies, get syphilis in my
fifties too. Maybe I'll end up like one of the chicks he'd really dig. My ass
is nice but not Hollywood nice. I don't want syphilis though.
: so why did I get in an argument with one of my roommates?
Well, why not? There are a lot of reasons why - it is a good friend of mine,
despite everything, and I have a deep respect not only for its professional
work but for its character itself. Those are two of a million but this isn't
about the why not, now, is it?
Why? Because I was pissed, right pissed, and I could feel the frustration in my
fingertips carving needle-like cuts into the air that was how abrasive I felt.
Like a low-grade sandpaper. And I knew my speech would cut worse than my
movement did - the pen is mightier than the sword, after all - and I knew I
would say some things I would regret. And I did. And I felt like shit before,
like even shittier shit - diarrhea? is that how you spell that? - afterwards,
and in the middle I felt quite rotten too. And my roommate was probably right,
but I think in a lot of ways I was right too. But the real crux of the matter,
the real Why Then, Why There, Why In That Manner, was that I was properly
pissed.
I was pissed because, for the dozenth time, it was telling me I should get a
job other than [...]. A better-paying job with a better environment, better
people, better food safety standards... yeah, yeah. The first time, I laughed
this off. I couldn't afford to take time off work like that. Missing a
paycheck? It would have killed us. Maybe I was right. Then, later, I shot the
requests down - no, I don't want to move up. No, I don't want to find a new
job. I don't have the energy for a job hunt and a full time job. Implying a
part time job would do it for me. And I believed it would have. A nod. Dude,
/you/ get a job. It was trying. And trying for high roles, the upper eschelons
of employment - five, six figure salaries. It was qualified. It had one for a
bit. It was living at its parents, got a good job, brought a partner over, got
an apartment - that was the context for my coming here, being able to come
here. Rich friends put me up in their living room. Except the contract wasn't
renewed, my burger job kept us afloat but started to weigh me down enough to go
under. It was working, off and on but mostly off, a shit burger job like mine,
elsewhere, helping pay the bills while managing to find it in itself to spend
something like six hours a day on LinkedIn and Indeed and god knows what else
hunting for a way to better its position while watching me, a beginner-level
cook, quite talented at my own job, doing nothing to better my status, sinking
into a sorry mental state. Have you ever seen a friend die? Slowly, not fast
from a gunshot wound but from a thousand papercuts - bad job, bad friends, bad
drugs, bad account balance, bad overdraws, bad bad bad. I had the job and a
fiend on my back that usually was the cause of all these things; bad mental
health. And it was clutching me like a non-swimmer deathgrips a lifeguard. And
it was watching me go under again and again, coming back up for air only to
sink deep into a black sea - drowning. And it knew if it stopped swimming,
stopped looking for a way to get us out of this situation, it would drown too.
But I didn't think about any of this. At the moment it told me, again, that I
should start looking for a new job, all I thought about was the fact that I was
paying all its bills, had been paying all its bills, for a while. Something
like eight or nine months but I probably said ten. And who was I to get the
burden of paying for an expensive apartment, meant for two people making decent
wages? A burger worker making one person's shit wage? Formerly homeless,
bitterly so - still living out of a backpack in my roommate's living room, in
an apartment I was paying for, while it got to sleep in the side room all to
itself and its partner? We were living paycheck to paycheck and had been for a
good while - my paycheck. None of which I got to see myself anymore.
"Says the unemployed one?"
My inkling of a plan, the little plan I had, was to wait until enough people
here had jobs that I could go part time at [...]. Then, a proper job hunt. Take
some time off, do some writing, get a high paying job, have income, dump
savings into finding a bigger place for the [...] of us, meanwhile having the
disposable income to go out, do stuff. This all hinged on someone else getting
a job. I and one other had jobs, the roommate did not, the others weren't
likely to be able to find jobs soon. So while I had a burden, I assigned in my
own head a burden upon it that it didn't know about.
And then it started saying god knows what while I lay on the futon reading an
article on my phone and when I tuned back in it was talking about how it wasn't
quite sunshine and roses to have someone occupying the living room 24/7. And I
was blinded by my last paycheck having gone, as did all the past ones from my
at the time current employer, to the apartment, and to food, and to bills. It
was mad about me occupying the apartment I was paying for?
"So, what, do you want me to move out?"
Meanwhile, before I had arrived in [...], the living room was mostly its. It
could go to its office, work, need a change of scenery, go to the living room,
work. Luxury, maybe. But the common area was now de facto the Trinity area.
Then [...] started saying something, and [...] piggybacked off that, and my
brain started shorting as the broken neural pathways formed when yelled at by
my parents fired and fucked with the rest of the system, and I kernel panicked
and rolled over and started crying. Blah blah blah. Of course, there was a
little more to it than that, but I had worked a nine hour shift that day and
had to go in early the next day and really? The only thing I was focused on was
work, despite being at home. Work and the idea of being able to not work so
much.
I think my job interview for [...], the first job I had in [...], happened
2023-10-30. I might have had a shift or two, nominally an orientation (that I
had given myself many times), before 2023-11-05. Then 2023-11-09 I started on a
somewhat regular schedule. And then I worked (counting all the shifts marked on
the calendar)...
2023-11 6*5 + 7*2 + 8*8 + 9 + 11
= 30 + 14 + 64 + 9 + 11
= 128hrs
2023-12 4 + 6*10 + 7 + 7.5 + 8*5 + 8.5 + 9 + 10*2 + 12
= 4 + 60 + 7 + 7.5 + 40 + 8.5 + 9 + 20 + 12
= 168hrs
2024-01 4 + 5*3 + 6*9 + 7 + 8*6 + 9
= 4 + 15 + 72 + 7 + 48 + 9
= 155hrs
2024-02 5*6 + 6*15 + 7 + 8*4 + 8.5 + 9
= 30 + 90 + 7 + 32 + 8.5 + 9
= 175.5hrs
2024-03 5*5 + 6*5 + 7 + 8 + 8.5 + 9*6
= 25 + 30 + 7 + 8 + 8.5 + 54
= 112.5hrs
2024-04 5*2 + 6*3 + 7*2 + 8*5 + 9*6 + 9.5
= 10 + 18 + 14 + 40 + 54 + 9.5
= 145.5hrs
2024-05 6*5 + 7*4 + 8.5 + 9*10
= 30 + 28 + 8.5 + 90
= 156.5hrs
2024-06 2*2 + 6*3 + 7*4 + 8.5*5 + 9*7
= 4 + 18 + 28 + 42.5 + 63
= 155.5hrs
2024-07 2 + 5.5 + 6*4 + 7 + 8.5*4 + 9*9
= 2 + 5.5 + 24 + 7 + 34 + 81
= 153.5hrs
total = 1350hrs
This includes [...], a second job I worked in January and February to help pay
the bills. Nine months. That number is very abstract to me, an alien concept.
A single digit. But now listing the months, the hours. Ho boy. That wasn't
sunshine and roses.
I think it was right that I was a lousy roommate - a godawful one in fact. I
got home from work exhausted every day, often went to sleep right out of work,
was irritated and unfocused and very often high. I don't think I would have
survived without this stupor though. And I don't think finding a better job
would have worked, at least not until recently. But then my informed logic
turned to a schizophrenic delusion and well after it was necessary I responded
like a hurt animal to the suggestion that I get a new job. And, well, it turned
out poorly.
Another reason I was pissed is it kept talking about its apartment.
When I got to [...] I didn't have a mailing address which complicated my
getting a job. I used the address of this apartment but knew come tax season,
one or two months away, I needed a valid address. The lease of this apartment
said the only ones who could receive mail here were the ones on the lease, and
I wasn't on it. Not only was my using a false address dangerous for me but, if
the apartment landlords knew I was staying here, it could have potentially
meant eviction for [...] and [...]. It was paramount that I find some way to
receive mail legitimately.
I went to the post office to try to get a P.O. Box but I needed existing proof
of address - which they would verify. Fuck. [...] said it would ask its parents
if I could use their address but didn't and I felt too self conscious to ask it
to do so. I called multiple homeless resources looking for someone, anyone, who
could just receive my mail and let me pick it up. Nothing. My last option was
this homeless shelter way downtown in the city so after work I walked an hour
and a half over. By the time I arrived night had fallen and two hobos outside
were gathered around a barrel fire trying to keep themselves warm. A bad sign.
The place looked like a prison, with barbed wire and giant iron gates keeping
everyone inside. I buzzed in and waited in a room with armed guards discussing
the worst crackheads they had seen that day, laughing about them. They started
talking about this thing called Kratom which they called gas station heroin. I
scrolled reviews while waiting to be called for intake and found multiple
accounts of queer guests being abused there; trans people misgendered
regularly, everyone called slurs. Whatever. I just had to pass and go through
intake and maybe I would get an address. In intake it was clear I would have to
boymode. Alright whatever. Then I asked if I could use the place as a mailing
address. I would have to sleep there, probably once a week, in order to be able
to use the facilities. Fucking useless. I was not sleeping there.
[...] and [...] picked me up. "Why did you go in? This place looks like a
prison. The reviews say they abuse queer folk. This was fucking dangerous."
No shit.
Later my at the time girlfriend heard about my going to the shelter and, I
heard from someone else, was angry at me for taking a risk like that. I had
taken a lot of risks by then, and a lot of them had come at once due to being
homeless and, honestly, suicidal. It broke up with me because it didn't want to
hear its girlfriend was found in some ditch somewhere. I understood.
So eventually my roommate talked to its parents and I was able to use their
mailing address. I got my W-2 and proof of address, then eventually a bank
account and the other fixings of a real United States citizen. And I was not on
the lease. It had had Its apartment for about four to six months at that point.
After five months of paying for this apartment, or something like that, plans
shifted and sputtered and realigned and it was decided:
[...] would leave with [...] to go to [...] and get an apartment.
I and [...] would be joined by [...], and continue to live here.
[...] arrived. [...] arrived. For a short time, there were five. Then [...] and
[...] left for [...]'s parents, as they decided five was too many for an
apartment of this size. I started to move into the side room, now to be my
room, formerly the office. I planned to get furniture, posters. The apartment
would be [...]'s, [...]'s, mine, jointly. I would get on the lease and start
using this apartment as my mailing address. I haven't received mail where I've
lived since 2023-04, have never been on a lease. I was really excited.
The plans fell through. For reasons that were very fair, [...]'s parents didn't
work out. [...] and [...] came back and I let them take the office as they were
two and I was one; it didn't make a damn bit of sense to make them take the
living room. I moved my backpack, not yet unpacked, back to the living room. It
was nice to have [...] and [...] around again - they're good friends of mine.
I was kind of bummed to not have a room though. At least I would be on the
lease.
Plans shifted, sputtered, started. I would not be on the lease. It would be the
four of them, the rest of them, as I already had an external mailing address.
The five of us would live together until we found a house, at which point we
would all be on the lease. And though we were five, though I had paid for the
apartment longer than it had, the apartment was once again [...]'s, and I was
once again in the living room.
The way it saw it, I had made a great many choices to get here. I had
volunteered to come to [...] to help my friends out with rent, stayed and
continued to do so, was fine with [...] and [...] coming back and using the
room I was gonna get, and was just the grouch in the living room. The way I saw
it, I would come home from long shifts exhausted, agree to whatever I had to in
order to get back to sleep, wait for the sun to come and go back to work. I had
a lot of choices and did make them - but I don't know if I would agree that I
was given time to think them over, or that they really were choices at all, to
be honest. If I didn't come here I would have died in a Maine winter. Instead I
suffered in a [...] winter, then in the spring, then in the summer, to try to
make sure my friends - who are damn near my only friends - had a safe place to
live. Then I got back from work and was irritated at [...] for all of this and
telling me I should get a job I didn't hate now that I could and I decided if
it didn't want the golden goose in the living room honking occasionally but
paying its rent for Its Apartment, I would head out. But I didn't have anywhere
out to head. Back to homelessness? To a cage, or to a cold street, or to a car
in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere? That's why I resolved to kill
myself and why I ended up going on an acid trip instead. And I don't really
feel so bad about it all anymore.
My parents weren't that great to me in ways that were way less great than any
of my friends' parents. I left once I hit 18 with a bunch of boxes filled with
random shit I grabbed from my, at that point, basically trashed room that had
gotten five years' worth of messy from the five years' worth of depression I'd
spend there at the tail end of eighteen years' worth of constantly being yelled
at and severely grounded over minor faults (for example, a year and a half over
holding a spoon wrong). In a lot of ways I have matured since then, in a lot of
ways I am stunted in ways that alienate me from my peers - lack of
socialization and being used to neglect and abuse are a potent combo. I know my
upbringing and what I did to get out of it - I got a job, paid peanuts to rent
a room at a friend's house, cut off contact with my parents entirely, barely
scraped by and ate candy for supper most nights. I know the roommate with which
I argued had, if anything, a harder time - every step of the way. Given the
cards it had I probably would have folded. It's easy for a bird to change
countries. But this fish made it out of a fishbowl. What the fuck does a fish
do to get out of a bad fishbowl? It can't swim out of there. It has to jump.
There are a million things that could go wrong. Hit the floor, die. Hit the
wrong water (too salty or not salty enough), die. Hit water that's too hot or
too cold, go into shock, probably die. I've spent my life going everywhere I
damn well please, partially because I had the right connections and a streak of
being in the right place at the right time. What the fuck would I have done if
I didn't have that?
It got a good job, got a good apartment, made it to another fishbowl. If this
was my second fishbowl I would lay claim too. Its good job was shit for it, but
it got out of the fishbowl. It gave a lot to do so. For the longest time I was
pissed at [...] more than anyone else because we're in its home turf, near its
parents. Everyone else came from places around the country. It was the one, I
thought, that didn't ante up. I didn't really figure the price it already paid,
the rounds before I sat at the table.
My behavior was a result of overwork, overstress, lack of pay, preexisting
mental health conditions. Its behavior was a result of overwork, overstress,
lack of pay, preexisting mental health conditions, and me. I think that's where
the difference lies. That's why I'm not so bothered by it anymore. I've
apologized, it forgave me, I'm still a bit ashamed. Life goes on regardless. At
some point, still, I'm moving. I'm working on saving and getting my driver's
license. [...] and [...] think they would prefer to not live with me, at least
for a bit, which is how I took it, though they said something about
"considering the history" or whatever to leave it ambiguous. I've given my
phone number to a lot of people without getting a call back and I think I can
tell by now when I'm not gonna be getting a ring. At least I'll be able to know
somewhere in [...] the people I loved are living together and have a good shot
at good lives.
I'm not sure where I'm moving just yet. [...], or maybe this state. I gotta get
a license first. I've been procrastinating studying, but only because it's
really boring.
I hope I did a decent job of explaining the argument and the context around the
argument. [...] is still my friend and a close one. This isn't a grudge I bear.
A part of the intent of my writing this was to explain also the context around
my blah posts of the last ten months.
It's 0600 now.
And now 2100, a sleep, a day, and two four six shots since. I'm adding a note
here: One Step Beyond, by Madness, rocks.
I am considerably drunk so now is a good time to write. About what, though, I
don't know. I just hit my Escape key probably fifty times trying to Escape from
INSERT mode only to realize I was in NORMAL mode after the first hit. God, I
love vi(1).
[...]: you should write about Moxie. You should write about drinking Moxie
after an amazing run of drunk sex. Have you ever had drunk sex?
I've not quite had drunk sex, except one time after playing strip poker, though
we were both somewhat sober by the end of it.
[...]: You and [...]?
Yeah.
[...]: You should write about on-line friends. The experience of having on-line
friends.
Alright, I'll write about on-line friends. What is there to write about? I'm
living with most of them. On-line friends... now off-line friends. Meatspace.
Of all my on-line friends I've fucked a couple, some way or another. I feel
like Bukowski. I love sex, though. It's fun. It's a connection. Maybe I should
write about sex.
So how do I feel about sex? I've had sex a lot more times than I've cum during
sex. Sex hurts in a good way, the biting. Sex is a jumbled frenzy, a soft free-
for-all, a terrible blue whale in the ocean to admire from afar and hunt
forever. Sex is a smooth churning waterfall, a soft boiled egg. Sex is a
poached egg. It feels so good, so so good, amazing, fatty and protein and sweet
and amazing and then it ends and it was just an egg. How the hell did an egg
feel so good? Because it was sex, dumbass.
[...]: xenofem.me users cannot convince anyone that they've actually had sex.
That's true.
I stare at everyone's asses. My enemies, my friends, my lovers, my
acquaintances. Just looking! I like looking at asses. I've never had
penetrative sex, no matter me or someone else doing the penetrating. Surely
someone is pentrating somewhere. What am I talking about? I am drunk.
flags decorate the walls
some of which i am
some of which i am not
the calendar decorates the wall
i'm on it
my work is on it
i'm married to my work
my bitch wife
i beat her
i come into her,
i treat her like shit,
i smoke, i drink,
i fuck her,
i eat too much ice cream
i fucking hated my job
i left her
she's gone
i think about her
how my fingers worked
slowly dissecting her
my work carving into her,
chopping her up
i get paid
prostitution
what does it matter
we all have to eat
[...]: Holy bingle.
/blah/2024-07-31.html
: my acid trip
I don't remember much of my acid trip. I was working on something or another,
or maybe just doomscrolling - a rotten, nasty habit I've picked up during my
prolonged depression of about the last half year - no, wait, let's back up. So
the tab I took would have been 200ug but I had half of that (cut into a
triangle) and I held it under my tongue for an hour before swallowing it, sort
of like taking sublingual estradiol valerate. Then, during that hour, I
probably scrolled doom. Wait, let's back up some more. So the reason I went on
my trip is because I was severely, profoundly depressed, and was entertaining
the notion of killing myself via helium tank and oxygen mask. I was at rock
bottom and then some. This was because I felt that I'd mostly fucked up my
friendships by getting in a kind of nasty on my side argument with [...]. And
that was because I realized I had been paying its rent for about nine months to
keep a roof over my own head while it had remained mostly unemployed. One of
the reasons for my hitting rock bottom was that I believed the only people in
this world I sort of care about had been mostly leeching off me for nearly a
year while I had been on the dark side of depression and getting mentally worse
and worse, and those that I cared about either didn't notice or didn't care.
And I don't know now if they care but I'm not particularly concerned because
these remain the only people I can really tolerate. The reason I was thinking
about killing myself was because I was planning to move far away from anyone I
care about, and I couldn't find apartments there and had hardly a faint notion
of how I would live when I got there. I realized I would probably once again be
homeless, living in a dead-end city, working fast food, and I decided killing
myself was a better option than going through that again. And the reason I was
going to move was because the people I cared about wanted me out, because we
had gotten in an argument, and what compounded my depression was that just as
we were getting to the point of financial stability, of three of us having jobs
- the precipice, so damn close to my being able to go part-time and look for a
different job, right as I would be able to mostly work for myself rather than
my wages going to everyone who needed them - I was going to leave, mostly not
of my own volition but because I was wanted gone. So I had worked nine months
for the happiness of people who were discarding me, and I would be able to
share in none of the good times. That's why I dropped acid, and that was rock
bottom for me. I realized that if acid didn't, as the saying went, debug my
brain, I would be cutting power to the computer, because I couldn't continue
living the way I had. About an hour into doomscrolling I was suddenly seized by
a fit of emotionless laughter that surprised me. I assumed it was the placebo
effect - it was too early for the acid to even start kicking in - but was
confused by it. Then after about ten minutes everything started to change. The
light shining into the living room had a fantastic shimmer to it, the trees
swayed together in beautiful synchrony to the wind, my friends had a glow on
the surface of their skin. I tuned the television to Double King, an animation
purportedly even wilder on LSD, but it didn't really catch my attention. Time
lost its linearity entirely and events twisted upon themselves, causality was
damned, happenings overlapped with others. Chronology was nonsense, a ludicrous
concept for the insane. I saw kharma, the energy itself, real as Newtonian
physics. My stuffed shark Mynn had fur, soft fur, cut into triangles, and I
explored the surface of buns coat for hours, a forest of angles cutting into
the sky. This grasshopper crawled up onto the window and one of my roommates
pointed it out to me. I said "oh, wow". They said I was tripping balls. I said
"what?". They said I would never react to a cool bug by saying "oOOoH waaow". I
didn't quite understand. I got hungry and wanted ramen, so [...], who was trip
sitting me, made me ramen, and while fae was cooking I sat in the entryway to
the kitchen distraught. "I fucked everything up... and for what? It's all so
silly. I continue to harbor no resentment towards y'all. I don't wanna go to
Ohio." Fae said "There are ways to fix it, you know". I asked how. Fae said I
could get a job that wasn't killing me. I said I couldn't apply while tripping.
Fae said fae could apply for me. So I gave faer my resume and fae got to work
applying me to some high paying job while I had ramen at the table and laid on
the futon and looked out through the window - these three things
simultaneously. I chose ramen because I had heard spaghetti was notoriously
difficult to eat while tripping, and I did almost get lost traversing Bowl
Noodles on the way to chopstick land, but by breathing and not overthinking
things I finished my ramen and sat back in the kitchen while [...] made the
ramen I was eating. "Y'know, breathing really is the frame of reference. It's
everything. The breath is the focus point." I said and fae agreed. [...]:
"Always has been." Suddenly we were on the moon. Then I was thrust back to
Terra and landed on the couch to stare into space. [...] gave me some headpats
but too few.
I started whispering to myself, in my head. Deus ex machina, deus ex machina.
Fate from the machinations. If only there were a way to headpats. Then the
front door shuddered as [...], my ex from a couple months back, stepped in, two
hours into its scheduled shift at work. It had left as I held the tab under my
tongue, before my trip commenced. It was my preferred trip sitter but
Then I was crying, just after my trip started. I had an enormity, a belly full
of laughter, then I was crying on [...]'s shoulder, my body exhaling its
emotional toxins with every heaving sob. "Are you laughing?" fae asked me. I
between wails managed to mutter "No." "Are you laughing so hard you're crying?"
Again, "No." You're crying? I let go of [...] and stood rapt, my back straight,
my head steady, though my face was contorted into a deeply pained scowl and my
tears hadn't stopped flowing. I exhaled. It all left me. "I'm terribly sorry
for such an emotional outburst." I went to stare out of the window at the
rapidly aging earth, sun blasting out my eye holes using space lasers, trees
dancing so melodically. It seemed to matter to nobody. Nobody cared. I felt
free.
Then [...] held my hands in faers after I had finished my ramen. Fae looked me
in the eyes. "Trinity. Listen to me. I care about you." What? No. "No, I'm
serious. You mean a lot to me." How? I mean nothing to myself.
it had work today and today would have been the day I killed myself. "Just quit
work."
The rain poured down on us. We sat together at the corner, down the hill. I
didn't know how I got there. I watched its hair get wet and laughed gently,
noting its hair was perfect no matter the weather. It smiled and said it was
getting cold, so we should go back. So we started walking back up the hill,
back towards Big Lots", I said. "Big Lots?" it said. "Do you wanna go walk to
Big Lots?" "I want to go walk to Big Lots!" "We should walk to Big Lots!" any
of those three, their realities conjoining. I was probably peaking.
Big Lots. Shelves. Cat food. "Do you want this collar?" a cat collar. It asked.
"Maybe I oughtta put a collar on you." I replied. We went into the Big Lots. I
headed over to the back to look at the random electronics shit. I spotted the
headphones. "I'd like a pair of headphones to listen to Nurture by Porter
Robinson." It had a $20 bill but I didn't wanna spend $10 on headphones. We
moved over to the pet supply section, the munchies, then I went over to the
furniture section to check out the furniture. We tried out the overpriced
chairs and I checked out the drawers. It spoke. "Y'know, I would buy you a
bureau."
At that moment - I looked through the world, through the hill - at the stuff of
mine under my desk at the apartment. Splayed out because I couldn't get the
energy to clean it up. Nothing gross, just cables and clothes. In my mind's eye
I saw my stuff arrange into neat squares into some drawers. I'd like that.
We left Big Lots without buying anything and went over to a corner and felt the
starting rain on our skin. [...] accompanied me and [...] on our walk but I
asked faer to leave so I could ask my ex something, and I asked it then: "Are
you into me?" "Wow, that was quite... forward." "Well are you?" I couldn't get
a good read on it. "I don't know. Are you into me?" I lied: "I don't know."
Then I realized I couldn't leave it at that, not now. "Yes. Yes, I'm terribly
attracted to you. You are drop dead fuckin gorgeous. You're amazing. Badass."
It got flustered. We got back inside and it went off and did something else.
We were walking down the hill before Big Lots. "Y'know, one time my dad said
'that's some big hail' to me, and I thought he said 'snail' and I looked
outside and I said 'where's the snail?'" I put on an episode of Nichijou. I
don't remember which one, or anything about it. The OP was trippy though. [...]
continued its snail story: "I just didn't get that he was saying hail." I found
a YouTube playlist for Nurture. "And I didn't even realize until, like, a year
later." I turned each television speaker to face towards the immediate front of
the TV. How could someone care about me? Does anyone care about me? I was alone
in the living room, absent trip sitter or anyone else. I was really sad and
didn't know why. I got my sleeping bag and laid directly in front of and
perpendicular to the television, my head nearly against the screen. I hit Play.
I see visual snow. Not to the extent of visual snow syndrome, which I think is
qualified by disruption of daily life (mine is benign but always present). I
didn't know this until a roommate and I were talking about closed eye
visualizations and it came up. I thought it was normal; my vision just had this
"film grain", or the digital sensor was noisy, or something. When I close my
eyes there's this fuzziness, this ambiguity of hue caused by my visual snow
placing microscopic instantaneous spots of darkening and lightening on
everything I see, sort of like when you use a bad television antenna. Again, I
never noticed this because it never mattered to me; I could just look a little
longer at something to get enough information to discern the precise color,
sort of like a camera taking multiple pictures to use to denoise an image. I
see this snow when my eyes are closed, and when it's dark as it was in the
living room, they're simple blinking pearls of dark gray upon black.
Except these pearls were color, rainbows. And as I sailed my ship on the seas
of this album's song, they started to move consistently, which they had never
done. My visual snow was dancing to the music. So were the trees that night. I
drifted off into a cloud of Nurture and felt comfortable like I was being
comforted, which was a feeling that wasn't particularly familiar to me.
I lay in a field under the soft cloudy sky joining the earth.
I was eating a tuna sandwich. The album was over. I felt entirely different. I
put my sleeping bag on the futon and fell asleep. I didn't feel good, or
comfortable. I might have felt loved but probably not. I just felt like I
wanted to change, or maybe I wanted a change.
/blah/2024-07-30.html
tenpo lili la mi pali e sitelen ni, tan tenpo ali la mi pali ante.
In little time I work on this blah, for all the time I work elsewhere.
tenpo suno ni, la
Today,
mi wile taawa mute
I will travel a lot
li wile pali e moku mute
and will make a lot of food
li wile kon e kasi nasa
and will breathe a silly plant
tenpo mun kama, la mi wile lape
Tonight, I will sleep
kon mi li pilin lape. mi kama pona lon tenpo suno ni lon tenpo ni pi sike mun.
My spirit is tired. I'm becoming good over today and over this month.
kon mi li kama pilin pona. ni wile lon tenpo mute.
My spirit is becoming happy. This will occur over much time.
mi toki lon toki pona tawa jan pona mi. mi toki lon toki Inli tawa jan pali mi.
toki pona li pona tawa mi. toki Inli li Inli tawa mi :P
/blah/2024-07-25.html
: the resignation letter i wrote
2024-07-24
To [...] and all others concerned -
this is my two week notice of resignation from my position of [...]
at [...]. My last day will be August 7, 2024.
I appreciate the opportunities given to me as part of my work here;
particularly training in duties not previously known to me such as [...]. I am
taking a position at [...] as they are offering a set schedule with two
consecutive days off, higher pay, air conditioning, and are closer to my place
of residence. If I leave [...] I'll consider working at [...] again.
Thank you for your time and employment.
Deven Trinity Blake
: the text message i sent
2024-07-24
[23:26] hey [...], this is my two week notice. nothin terribly wrong, just
found higher pay
: pre acid poetry
2024-??-??
I wasn't speaking French
I was speaking sailor
when I said "pardon my French"
I meant the Whaler
of a cuss I uttered
"microwave the bacon
drop a nuke on the station"
I also said "fuck"
get the situation?
I
the birds sing in the air
a fair harmony in treble clef
there are people milling around me
I'm beginning to think there's nothing left
every conversation is the same
man, isn't it good to be alive
I used to feel that way, but it's plain
to me they've been replaced by their eyes
pupils split by a collapsed iris
the back of their eyes gray clouds
iris collapsed by a yet unknown virus
I wear my Ray Bans year round
II
I've never seen someone who saw the same
upon grass so green, under a sky so blue
you'd think I wouldn't be the last to remain
I've shut myself in so my pupil's not two
inside my gray house so alone
an atonement for the sin of still living
I fear my sunglasses have cracked, the only ones I own
because I've been seeing double even in my prison
I
there's an island, far away
people visit on holiday
cats litter the streets and the shopkeeps smile
knowingly, refilling the feed every once in a while
ting-ting bells chime when a favorite appears
collared neck, very well-fed, and often of more years
the other cats shake in the wake of those peers
to whose opinion others listen and act upon what they hear
II
when long ago people called this island home
there was a man with a degree who could not leave life alone
I
recreational tracheotomy
how much will you lose. how fast will you bleed
you stole my hubcaps and my keys
let's see how quick I can amputate your knees
(mods, kill this man) in the forest at night
(is that an AK?) I hope the hunting's alright
(do you have a bandaid?) shoot to kill and kill to eat
(hey, did you hear that?) take the chaf from the wheat
II
faux professional animosity
is it worth the pay? steel and golden teeth?
you stole away my deepest fears
now I don't quite know if anything scares me
(call my lawyer) human complexes
(he might have a gun) simple solutions
(call the police) shoot to kill and kill to eat
(it can't happen to me) eliminate our honesty
you have problems with your self worth
you make five dollars in a dress and fifty in a skirt
but the money's not the issue
it's all those prying eyes cutting into you
cuz when the disco ball sends a beam of light through your skin
and the whole crowd gasps when they see your skeleton
and you look through the ceiling and know you've lost all hope
it's all for capital
television static's been in front of my eyes
every single second of my secondary life
I've been living so nonlinear babe I'm out my fucking mind
when you killed me for a dollar
did you haggle at the offer
or just couldn't then be bothered
to hold onto me any tighter
when you were strangling me tighter
did you want it to be over
or did you relish and feel sober
at the thought of causing torture
fac(n){//low up
i = 1;
while(++i < n)
if(n/i == (int)(n/i))
return [n] + fac(n/i);
return [];//prime
}
fac(n){//high down
i = n;
while (--i > 1)
if (n/i == (int)(n/i))
return [n] + fac(n);
return [];//prime
}
kill like you've never killed before this time
penta plus penta die like it's no crime
die like you've never died before this time
yet another sacrifice
have you ever given so much for so
little a result so subtle, why you don't know
have you ever seen so much hate in the
arms of those you idolize
I spent a year on an alien world
so similar to my own
I met fellow humans
and leaened to call this place home
it too had seasons
red, green, orange leaves
summer and winter
as the weather changed, it changed me
by the time I to go back left
all the friends I'd left were dead
and I keep running down dead ends
you know, you can't go home again
I
CHORUS
I said yes to a taste of Heaven
and was fed from a tube of love
I sank so far down into my skin
oh, what a wonderful drug
V1
"do you have a death wish"
I just came here for the scene
posers digging into me
like I don't get it
programmer by the day
push to mainline in the night
milliliters marked in gray
but we measure by the vibe
II
C
I said yes to a taste of Heaven
my "friends" say I've had enough
I can't party 'til it gets under my skin
God, what a powerful drug
V2
sometimes I feel
like a grenade without my pin
after the rave it's poisoning
my blood and I kneel
bowing down to the pain
in my bed spending the day
my toxic tongue and angered brain
I think next time I'll refrain
III
BRIDGE
oh, but I can't stop
feel it eating me alive
I wake and can't open my eyes
because it burns so much, the light
oh, but I won't stop
veins have swelled out of my arms
face's been shaped by all the harm
I've slept through all my alarms
CHORUS
I said yes to a taste of Heaven
and filled my cup with this horrible draught
I can't stop thinking about getting my next fix
then I'll party 'til I drop
I
when Louie died, he was 29
cried as he put the barrel to his head
for me to arrive and take down the two guys
surrounding him in a farm shed
when Paulie kicked the bucket
and hung from his girl's locket
I was at the market
oblivious to his end
II
me and my skeleton crew
the graves who I visit on holiday
I miss my youthful skeleton crew
and the lads I used to call
my friends
I
taxi driver driving
in a world driven mad
by compulsive consumption
A/B tested in a lab
all these kids on their phones
in the backseat of her cab
they say you ain't done nothing
if you ain't been called a red
Susan's comrades did something
they still worked to death
Susan met a man
in automotive automation
II
- self driving cards
trying to replace public transit
she hated his job
and when she drove he couldn't stand it
now, you might think such a relationship wouldn't last
but why book a cab when you have the Uber app?
: post acid poetry
ma ni li lukin pona
sina lukin pona
ma ni li ike tawa sijelo mi
sina li pona tawa lawa mi
tenpo ali la mi pilin lape
pali mi li yaki
sijelo mi li pilin yaki
tenpo ali la sina pona tawa mi
mi pilin pona tawa sina
sina pilin seme?
2024-07-25
now, we've all heard the story
of the dueler, toodle-oo
he'd draw his guns 'fore you could head "one"
and man, he'd toodle you
now, what they might not tell you is
'twass a lass named toodle-dee
who whipped out her pistol
faster'n the toot of a whistle
that brought him misery
now, down at There Saloon where Hugh was the bartender,
in waked Toodle-oo and Hugh said dude don't you dare do
but toodle-oo wanted to toodle you-know-who straight back to sender
/blah/2024-07-24.html
: how to make firefox notifications stop taking half the screen
# apt install mako-notifications
$ mako
Didn't work. What is mako?
Okay, I have to put `exec mako` in my sway(5). Then relogin.
It works.
/blah/2024-07-19.html
: what acid taught me
- I can change.
- I can feel.
- I can love.
- I can be kinder.
- I can be happier.
- I can be mindful.
- I can take care of myself.
- My friends care about me.
- I love my friends.
- I love people.
- I love the world.
- I love myself.
- I suffer.
- I don't have to suffer.
- If I don't change Right Now, I may never.
: poems i wrote at work today
when I looked down the kaleidoscope
what caught my sight?
a million colorful stars
lighting up the night
for they were dancing,
with gravity as the song;
the soup of the cosmos
convection moving them along
they lulled me to sleep and I had a wonderful dream
a being on another planet
looking through another kaleidoscope
thinking of me
like one of those rubber toys filled with water
an elongated donut shaped like a snake
slipping out of my hands as if it's water
so too do my dreams leave when I wake
many of my own memories have passed me by
like divine fingers pulled them from my brain
at night I lay awake counting the years so far of mine
wondering what more of my life they will take
: a painting I did on my trip
Everything seems so cosmic... Here, in the vast reaches of space.
Except this is just a painting. Look around you. Could you say
hello to someone nearby for me? Hug them? How are we
so different. Meat, wires, flesh. You breathe. I breathe. Wars
are fought for greed, lust, all these little miseries poor souls
like to share. Why must there be discord? Why can't we all just get
along? Peace is seen as depravity, peace-sharing seen as hippies
and hypocricy or however you spell that. It's easier to seek
gold than happiness. Finding happiness requires respect of self
and others, kindness, perhaps love for those still capable. Gold
demands only lust. Depravity is spilling blood in the desert
for the remains of million-year-old trees. Hypocrisy is
wearing a suit while debating bombing a country into the stone
age. Wires are veins are roads are rivers are conduits are vias
are the grid on which life grows. Life is somewhat beautiful.
Somewhat scary, too. Self-replicating, self-healing, self-ish. All
qualities had by the most loathesome monsters and ghouls of
fairy tales. The scariest thing to us is us. The loveliest, too.
Fear, love, sadness, happiness, loathing, lust, hatred, passion,
openness. The full range, the vibrancy of life can only
be experienced with others. I breathe as do my siblings in Russia,
Ukraine, China, the DPRK, the ROK, Taiwan, the USA, and all these
places in the world with names that wage war on other places.
We only have one Earth. We are one people. When air is bought and
sold, what will we have left to breathe? [delta]
/blah/2024-07-03.html
: packages installed on my openbsd vm
gdb
git
gnupg
helix
llvm
rust
rust-analyzer
rust-bindgen
/blah/2024-06-26.html
Still sick but not as sick as yesterday.
Host (Raspbian)
# brctl addbr br0
# brctl addif br0 eth0
# ip link set up dev br0
# ip addr add dev br0 10.0.0.101/24
<https://pub.gctl.io/posts/2019-12-07-vlan-on-openbsd/>
Guest (OpenBSD)
# ifconfig
$ ifconfig
lo0: flags=2008049<UP,LOOPBACK,RUNNING,MULTICAST,LRO&rt; mtu 32768
index 3 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: lo
inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128
inet6 fe80::1%lo0 prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x3
inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 0xff000000
vio0: flags=8802<BROADCAST,SIMPLEX,MULTICAST&rt; mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:a7:bf:8e
index 1 priority 0 llprio 3
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: no carrier
enc0: flags=0<&rt;
index 2 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: enc
status: active
pflog0: flags=141<UP,RUNNING,PROMISC&rt; mtu 33136
index 4 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: pflog
# echo up | tee /etc/hostname.vio0
up
# sh /etc/netstart
WARNING: /etc/hostname.vio0 is insecure, fixing permissions.
# ifconfig
lo0: flags=2008049 mtu 32768
index 3 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: lo
inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128
inet6 fe80::1%lo0 prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x3
inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 0xff000000
vio0: flags=8843 mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:a7:bf:8e
index 1 priority 0 llprio 3
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: active
enc0: flags=0<>
index 2 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: enc
status: active
pflog0: flags=141 mtu 33136
index 4 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: pflog
# echo inet 10.0.0.105 255.255.255.0 NONE | tee -a /etc/hostname.vio0
inet 10.0.0.105 255.255.255.0 NONE
# sh /etc/netstart
# ifconfig
lo0: flags=2008049 mtu 32768
index 3 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: lo
inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128
inet6 fe80::1%lo0 prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x3
inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 0xff000000
vio0: flags=8843 mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:a7:bf:8e
index 1 priority 0 llprio 3
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: active
inet 10.0.0.105 netmask 0xffffff00 broadcast 10.0.0.255
enc0: flags=0<>
index 2 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: enc
status: active
pflog0: flags=141 mtu 33136
index 4 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: pflog
Host
$ ssh 10.0.0.105
The authenticity of host '10.0.0.105 (10.0.0.105)' can't be established.
ECDSA key fingerprint is SHA256:/[...]/[...].
Are you sure you want to continue connecting (yes/no/[fingerprint])? yes
Warning: Permanently added '10.0.0.105' (ECDSA) to the list of known hosts.
Last login: Wed Jun 26 07:45:42 2024
OpenBSD 7.5 (GENERIC) #131: Wed Mar 20 19:09:19 MDT 2024
Welcome to OpenBSD: The proactively secure Unix-like operating system.
Please use the sendbug(1) utility to report bugs in the system.
Before reporting a bug, please try to reproduce it with the latest
version of the code. With bug reports, please try to ensure that
enough information to reproduce the problem is enclosed, and if a
known fix for it exists, include that as well.
## HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I JUST NEEDED TO USE A STATIC IPv4.
$ git pull --all
ssh: Could not resolve hostname git.tebibyte.media: no address associated with
name
fatal: Could not read from remote repository.
Please make sure you have the correct access rights
and the repository exists.
## oh fucking hell. now that the bridge is established I can't get to the wlan.
## i'm just giving the VM another interface. also, i'm using virt-manager now
Guest
# echo up | tee /etc/hostname.vio1
up
# sh /etc/netstart
WARNING: /etc/hostname.vio1 is insecure, fixing permissions.
# ifconfig
lo0: flags=2008049 mtu 32768
index 4 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: lo
inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128
inet6 fe80::1%lo0 prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x4
inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 0xff000000
vio0: flags=8843 mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:a7:bf:8e
index 1 priority 0 llprio 3
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: active
inet 10.0.0.105 netmask 0xffffff00 broadcast 10.0.0.255
vio1: flags=8843 mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:ea:4d:90
index 2 priority 0 llprio 3
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: active
enc0: flags=0<>
index 3 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: enc
status: active
pflog0: flags=141 mtu 33136
index 5 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: pflog
## I'm not getting an IP via DHCP on vio1 so I must have configured it wrong.
## I made a new Routed network and changed vio1 to use that in virt-manager.
## That didn't work.
## Same settings except NAT explicitly forwarded to wlan0.
## Updated the vio1 NIC to use that.
Guest
# ifconfig
lo0: flags=2008049 mtu 32768
index 4 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: lo
inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128
inet6 fe80::1%lo0 prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x4
inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 0xff000000
vio0: flags=8843 mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:a7:bf:8e
index 1 priority 0 llprio 3
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: active
inet 10.0.0.105 netmask 0xffffff00 broadcast 10.0.0.255
vio1: flags=8843 mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:ea:4d:90
index 2 priority 0 llprio 3
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: active
enc0: flags=0<>
index 3 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: enc
status: active
pflog0: flags=141 mtu 33136
index 5 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: pflog
# ifconfig vio1 inet autoconf
# ifconfig
lo0: flags=2008049 mtu 32768
index 4 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: lo
inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128
inet6 fe80::1%lo0 prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x4
inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 0xff000000
vio0: flags=8843 mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:a7:bf:8e
index 1 priority 0 llprio 3
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: active
inet 10.0.0.105 netmask 0xffffff00 broadcast 10.0.0.255
vio1: flags=808843 mtu 1500
lladdr 52:54:00:ea:4d:90
index 2 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: egress
media: Ethernet autoselect
status: active
inet 192.168.100.145 netmask 0xffffff00 broadcast 192.168.100.255
enc0: flags=0<>
index 3 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: enc
status: active
pflog0: flags=141 mtu 33136
index 5 priority 0 llprio 3
groups: pflog
## Huh.
# ping 1.1.1.1
PING 1.1.1.1 (1.1.1.1): 56 data bytes
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=0 ttl=54 time=38.432 ms
64 bytes from 1.1.1.1: icmp_seq=1 ttl=54 time=24.622 ms
^C
--- 1.1.1.1 ping statistics ---
2 packets transmitted, 2 packets received, 0.0% packet loss
round-trip min/avg/max/std-dev = 24.622/31.527/38.432/6.905 ms
Host
$ ssh 10.0.0.105
Last login: Wed Jun 26 08:43:23 2024
OpenBSD 7.5 (GENERIC) #131: Wed Mar 20 19:09:19 MDT 2024
Welcome to OpenBSD: The proactively secure Unix-like operating system.
Please use the sendbug(1) utility to report bugs in the system.
Before reporting a bug, please try to reproduce it with the latest
version of the code. With bug reports, please try to ensure that
enough information to reproduce the problem is enclosed, and if a
known fix for it exists, include that as well.
It works. IT WORKS!
Now just to
$ echo inet autoconf | doas tee -a /etc/hostname.vio1
inet autoconf
[11 hours later]
<https://wiki.debian.org/BridgeNetworkConnections
#Configuring_bridging_in_.2Fetc.2Fnetwork.2Finterfaces&rt;
[4 hours later]
Okay, br0 was unnecessary. For real.
# ip link set br0 down
# brctl delif br0 eth0
# brctl delbr br0
# virsh net-start --network default
/blah/2024-06-24.html
I'm sick today. Was pretty sick yesterday. Now pretty sick today. I keep
coughing up weird-colored mucus, not neon green but bits of brown and red and
yellow. Hopefully I'm well by tomorrow because I have a 9-hour shift I don't
wanna miss.
I'm potentially going back to Maine soon. I need to go to get my stuff from my
grandparents, money from Troy, and hugs from M--. It'll suck but it'll be nice
to see M-- especially.
: Contributing to Bonsai
This guide explains how to start committing to Bonsai git repositories. It
walks the reader through setting up its freshly-installed, Bonsai-dedicated
system for cloning Bonsai repositories and committing to them. For a system
already in use it may be necessary for the reader to read the man pages for the
binaries used and use its own discretion with regards to its local setup.
The following binaries are necessary to follow this guide:
- git(1)
- gpg(1)
- ssh-keygen(1)
And on the following systems, can be installed as follows:
+------------------+----------------------------------------+
| System | Installation command line |
+------------------+----------------------------------------+
| Alpine | # apk add git gnupg openssh |
| Arch | # pacman -S git gnupg openssh |
| Debian | # apt install git gnupg openssh-client |
| OpenBSD | # pkg_add git gnupg |
+------------------+----------------------------------------+
## Cloning the git repository
### SSH setup
The following generates an Ed25519 SSH keypair, which will be used to clone,
pull from, and push to the Bonsai git repositories. This is optional. The
alternative is to use HTTPS authentication which is usually self explanatory
(the default if certain git commands are tried without SSH set up).
```
$ ssh-keygen -t ed25519
```
ssh-keygen(1) will tell you where it put the public key; usually, this is
`$HOME/.ssh/id_ed25519.pub`. Open the Tebibyte Media Gitea instance, navigate
to the "SSH / GPG Keys" page in the User Settings, "Add Key" on "Manage SSH
Keys", and paste the contents of that file (it should end with `.pub`!) into
the prompt.
### GPG setup
Bonsai git commits must be signed with a GPG keypair. This generates a GPG
keypair for use with Bonsai.
```
gpg --full-generate-key
```
Generating an **`ECC (sign and encrypt)`** key with the **`Curve 25519`** and
an expiration date of **`1y`** tends to work well.
This example is based on the example from
<https://docs.codeberg.org/security/gpg-key/&rt;, updated with the previous
settings.
```
public and secret key created and signed.
sec ed25519/3AA5C34371567BD2 2021-06-06 [SC] [expires: 2025-06-25]
6CD8F2B4F3E2E8F08274B563480F8962730149C7
uid [ultimate] knut <knut@codeberg.org&rt;
ssb cv25519/42B317FD4BA89E7A 2024-06-25 [E] [expires: 2025-06-25]
```
The key ID here is `3AA5C34371567BD2`, the hexadecimal string after the key
type on the line prefixed with "sec". If the video terminal's display has been
cleared or the teletype runoff has been lost, the following command line will
print a list of keys present on the system:
```
gpg --list-secret-keys --keyid-format LONG
```
Given that the ID for the key to be used with Bonsai is `3AA5C34371567BD2`, the
following command line will export the public key for the keypair:
```
gpg --armor --export 3AA5C34371567BD2
```
If the command errors out refer to
<https://wiki.archlinux.org/title
/GnuPG#Configure_pinentry_to_use_the_correct_TTY&rt;
Then paste the public key into the appropriate prompt in the "SSH / GPG Keys"
page on the Gitea user settings.
Now configure git to sign with the GPG key:
```
git config --global user.signingkey 3AA5C34371567BD2
git config --global commit.gpgsign true
```
## All set
Now clone a Bonsai repository, such as harakit:
```
git clone gitea@git.tebibyte.media:bonsai/harakit.git
```
If it works, you're probably all set. Thank you in advance for your
contributions!
/blah/2024-06-23.html
Watched Smiling Friends last night, and by that I mean I rewatched some of the
later of the first season and saw for the first time some of the second which
was really brilliant. Smiling Friends really holds up on rewatches.
I can't wait to get my development environment finalized so I can work on
Bonsai stuff again.
Bus pull-off strings are brilliant. The strings you pull to say you wanna get
off at the next stop? Brilliant.
I feel nauseated but I'm going to work anyway because they wouldn't be able to
find cover for me and because a sore throat and sick tummy is all that stands
between me and six hours' income.
I had a dream last night that I went to college and I desperately wish I could.
Being a full time student? That's the dream. I couldn't figure out how to fill
out the FAFSA or scholarship applications at 17 because I was severely
depressed, mostly from living with my parents, and was terrified I would remain
dependent on my parents. It's bonkers how badly bad parenting can fuck you up.
I'm speedrunning my good person tf ark.
Local punks have been putting FREE PALESTINE stickers up and I wish to meet
them. I'm woefully uninformed regarding the Israel/Palestine conflict and wish
to remain that way as the few people I've met with strong opinions on the topic
have been pro-Israel and so strongly convinced of their righteousness that they
labelled their opposition anti-semitic. In my opinion that shuts down free
debate and poisons the topic for those who care about the human rights abuses
being committed on the Gaza strip. But I don't know, I guess time will tell.
The people who are fervently pro-Palestine seem to be pretty cool generally.
When in high school I asked my history teacher what the deal was with the
conflict. He said something like "I don't know if I could give you a good
overview of the issue. Both sides have done terrible things to each other. It's
complicated... really complicated."
I've read a lot of arguments against SUID on Unix systems and remain totally
unconvinced.
I changed my header again because the last one was corny as hell.
: a paper I had in my string bag
WHAT THE AMOUNT OF
POSSUMS YOU'VE SEEN
TODAY SAYS ABOUT YOU
0 you might be sober
1+ you are on some
fucked shit man.
this is a [...]
[...]. there are no
possums here.
/blah/2024-06-22.html
I'm tired. I think I'll blah about my love life.
2016-2017 - middle school "girlfriend". we held hands a couple times
2020ish - met a girl named Erika with whom I went on dates. one time I
described us as dating (as in, we went on dates) and she freaked
out over the idea of us dating (as in, a committed relationship)
and that ended that. found out later that i dodged a bullet
2021ish - high school "girlfriend". each other's Dirty Little Secret a la the
All-American Rejects.
early 2023- talked with this creature on-line on whom I had a massive crush but
ended it because I worried it would care too much about my constant
risk taking
early 2023- first kiss (19 years old)
mid 2023 - talked with the creature again. lost virginity (19 years old)
late 2023 - talked with this girl, started dating her, eventually broke up
early 2024- broke up with the creature
I was very self conscious about being a hell of a late bloomer but am no
longer. I'm just not very much of a people person and my interpersonal
relations are few and far between. Some people really just aren't cut out for
steady relationships.
Finding out most people use "dating" to mean that they are in a committed,
probably monogamous relationship really messed with me. To me that was "going
steady", and "dating" was, like it says on the tin, going on dates. Now I use
"talking" to mean speaking romantically, but only in that meaning sometimes,
which is baffling to me but actually works in communication, and "going steady"
to mean in some sort of relationship.
I go out on dates with people I meet on-line pretty rarely. I met someone on
Tagmap and met them at a Whataburger and we sat in mostly silence for half an
hour, unable to think of conversation to make. Before that I went out a couple
times with the person that approved my Medicaid form but he kept feeling me up
without asking permission and it got on my nerves a lot. Then after those there
was a Space Force skid who was in title a cybersecurity analyst but didn't have
an opinion on the xz Jia Tan kerfuffle and didn't know much about UNIX or
programming. Really awful luck.
: more adventures running openbsd in qemu
This is slow as shit. How do I use QEMU as a hypervisor rather than aarch64-on-
aarch64 emulation?
$ qemu-system-aarch64 \
-enable-kvm -M virt -cpu host -m 512M \
-bios "$HOME"/Machines/QEMU_EFI.fd \
-device rtl8139,netdev=lan \
-device virtio-rng-device \
-netdev user,id=lan \
-nographic \
-hda "$HOME"/Machines/obsd.qcow2
Boot times down to <1min from multiple minutes.
Serial console looks like shit. How do I SSH into this virtual shitbox?
<https://www.baeldung.com/linux/qemu-ssh-host-guest&rt;
# apt install bridge-utils
# brctl addbr br0
# brctl addif br0 eth0
# ip link set up dev br0
# echo allow br0 &rt;/etc/qemu/bridge.conf
# chmod 644 /etc/qemu/bridge.conf
# ip addr add dev br0 10.0.0.101/24
No dice on this so I give up.
/blah/2024-06-21.html
: running openbsd in qemu
$ qemu-system-x86_64 \
-M pc -cpu qemu64 -m 512M \
-device rtl8139,netdev=lan \
-netdev user,id=lan \
-nographic \
-drive file="$HOME"/Machines/obsd.qcow2,media=disk,if=virtio \
-cdrom install75.iso
[blank lines abridged]
SeaBIOS (version 1.14.0-2)
iPXE (http://ipxe.org) 00:02.0 CA00 PCI2.10 PnP PMM+1FF8F200+1FECF200 CA00
Booting from Hard Disk...
Boot failed: not a bootable disk
Booting from DVD/CD...
CD-ROM: E0
Loading /7.5/AMD64/CDBOOT
probing: pc0 com0 mem[639K 510M a20=on]
disk: hd0+* cd0
&rt;&rt; OpenBSD/amd64 CDBOOT 3.65
boot&rt;
cannot open cd0a:/etc/random.seed: No such file or directory
booting cd0a:/7.5/amd64/bsd.rd: 4076463+1688576+3891240+0+708608 [109+464016+317
541]=0xaa40e8
entry point at 0xffffffff8100100
And then it hangs. What's going on?
<https://www.reddit.com/r/openbsd/comments/l4c1zo
/openbsd_hangs_after_entry_point_at/>
says perhaps I'm using a 32b processor rather than 64b. The software I'm
writing needs to work on 32b so whatever, let's try the i386 install75.iso.
$ qemu-system-x86_64 \
-M pc -cpu qemu64 -m 512M \
-device rtl8139,netdev=lan \
-netdev user,id=lan \
-nographic \
-drive file="$HOME"/Machines/obsd.qcow2,media=disk,if=virtio \
-cdrom install75\(1\).iso
SeaBIOS (version 1.14.0-2)
iPXE (http://ipxe.org) 00:03.0 CA00 PCI2.10 PnP PMM+1FF8F470+1FECF470 CA00
Booting from Hard Disk...
Boot failed: not a bootable disk
Booting from Floppy...
Boot failed: could not read the boot disk
Booting from DVD/CD...
CD-ROM: E0
Loading /7.5/I386/CDBOOT
probing: pc0 com0 apm pci mem[639K 510M a20=on]
disk: fd0 hd0+* cd0
&rt;&rt; OpenBSD/i386 CDBOOT 3.65
boot&rt;
cannot open cd0a:/etc/random.seed: No such file or directory
booting cd0a:/7.5/i386/bsd.rd: 3279379+1442816+4362248+0+417792 [88+160+28]=0x91
2300
entry point at 0x20100
No dice. I'm gonna try using -hda rather than -drive. No clue the difference.
Works the same. -cpu max instead of qemu64. Works the same. I know this CPU
configuration works because it's the same one from 2024-05-15 that boots
(tested) Windows XP x64. What next to troubleshoot?
$ qemu-system-x86_64 \
-M pc -cpu max -m 512M \
-device rtl8139,netdev=lan \
-netdev user,id=lan \
-nographic \
-hda "$HOME"/Machines/obsd.qcow2
SeaBIOS (version 1.14.0-2)
iPXE (http://ipxe.org) 00:03.0 CA00 PCI2.10 PnP PMM+1FF8F4C0+1FECF4C0 CA00
Booting from Hard Disk...
Boot failed: not a bootable disk
Booting from Floppy...
Boot failed: could not read the boot disk
Booting from DVD/CD...
CD-ROM: E0
Loading /7.5/AMD64/CDBOOT
probing: pc0 com0 mem[639K 510M a20=on]
disk: fd0 hd0+* cd0
&rt;&rt; OpenBSD/amd64 CDBOOT 3.65
boot&rt; set tty com0
switching console to com&rt;&rt; OpenBSD/amd64 CDBOOT 3.65
boot&rt; boot
0
cannot open cd0a:/etc/random.seed: No such file or directory
booting cd0a:/7.5/amd64/bsd.rd: 4076463+1688576+3891240+0+708608 [109+464016+317541]=0xaa40e8
entry point at 0xffffffff81001000
Copyright (c) 1982, 1986, 1989, 1991, 1993
The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
Copyright (c) 1995-2024 OpenBSD. All rights reserved. https://www.OpenBSD.org
OpenBSD 7.5 (RAMDISK_CD) #76: Wed Mar 20 15:53:54 MDT 2024
deraadt@amd64.openbsd.org:/usr/src/sys/arch/amd64/compile/RAMDISK_CD
We got it. I just needed to set the tty to the serial port I was monitoring
with QEMU. Now that I understand the theory I'd really like to get arm64
emulation working because I imagine it'd be a little easier on my poor CM4. I
foumd a guide on booting OpenBSD/arm64 on QEMU:
<https://www.nechtan.io/articles/openbsd_arm64_qemu.html>
and stripped the weird shit out of it to see if that works.
$ qemu-system-aarch64 \
-M virt -cpu cortex-a57 -m 512M \
-bios "$HOME"/Machines/QEMU_EFI.fd \
-device rtl8139,netdev=lan
-device virtio-rng-device
-netdev user,id=lan
-nographic
-hda "$HOME"/Machines/obsd.qcow2
and it works. Hell yeah.
/blah/2024-06-19.html
: decrypting a /g/ riddle
4chan /g/ No.101048862:
.section .data
key: .byte 0x2A
msg_len: .word 140
encrypted_msg:
.byte 0x07, 0x44, 0x1E, 0x6B, 0x73, 0x17, 0x64, 0x12, 0x27, 0x24, 0x22, 0x6
B, 0x74, 0x12, 0x21, 0x64
.byte 0x00, 0x0B, 0x28, 0x64, 0x76, 0x00, 0x64, 0x17, 0x22, 0x0F, 0x76, 0x0
0, 0x7C, 0x17, 0x2D, 0x2B
.byte 0x6F, 0x12, 0x64, 0x64, 0x00, 0x2A, 0x6F, 0x17, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x64, 0x1
2, 0x2C, 0x23, 0x7D, 0x73
.byte 0x64, 0x12, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x0D, 0x22, 0x73, 0x12, 0x64, 0x6
B, 0x64, 0x17, 0x7D, 0x6F
.byte 0x22, 0x64, 0x00, 0x0A, 0x64, 0x2B, 0x0A, 0x0B, 0x64, 0x2A, 0x2F, 0x6
A, 0x64, 0x12, 0x2D, 0x17
.byte 0x6F, 0x12, 0x64, 0x64, 0x00, 0x2A, 0x6F, 0x17, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x64, 0x1
2, 0x2C, 0x23, 0x7D, 0x73
.byte 0x64, 0x12, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x0D, 0x22, 0x73, 0x12, 0x64, 0x6
B, 0x64, 0x17, 0x7D, 0x6F
.byte 0x22, 0x64, 0x00, 0x0A, 0x64, 0x2B, 0x0A, 0x0B, 0x64, 0x2A, 0x2F, 0x6
A, 0x64, 0x12, 0x2D, 0x17
.byte 0x6F, 0x12, 0x64, 0x64, 0x00, 0x2A, 0x6F, 0x17, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x64, 0x1
2, 0x2C, 0x23, 0x7D, 0x73
.byte 0x64, 0x12, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x0D, 0x22, 0x73, 0x12, 0x64, 0x6
B, 0x64, 0x17, 0x7D, 0x6F
.byte 0x22, 0x64, 0x00, 0x0A, 0x64, 0x2B, 0x0A, 0x0B, 0x64, 0x2A, 0x2F, 0x6
A, 0x64, 0x12, 0x2D, 0x17
.byte 0x6F, 0x12, 0x64, 0x64, 0x00, 0x2A, 0x6F, 0x17, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x64, 0x1
2, 0x2C, 0x23, 0x7D, 0x73
.byte 0x64, 0x12, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x22, 0x6B, 0x0D, 0x22, 0x73, 0x12, 0x64, 0x6
B, 0x64, 0x17, 0x7D, 0x6F
.byte 0x22, 0x64, 0x00, 0x0A, 0x64, 0x2B, 0x0A, 0x0B, 0x64, 0x2A, 0x2F, 0x6
A, 0x64, 0x12, 0x2D, 0x17
You should be able to decrypt this.
Alright, well, all of these values are 7-bit (none of the first nybbles of the
given bytes exceed 0b0111). Do you see a pattern? It's easier because of my
blah formatting. Every cut-off line starts back in on 0x2 (0b0010), 0xA
(0b1010), or 0xB (0b1011). Every third byte of a line alternates between 0x64
(0b 0110 0100), 0x22 (0b 0010 0010), and 0x00 (all zeroes). So this sequence is
patterned in some way. Because the key is a single byte I assume this is some
sort of Caesar cypher esque secret [op] key = clear so let's start with that.
The key is 0x2A. Because it's summer and 4chan this is probably simple so let's
start with low hanging fruit.
$ ascii 2a
ASCII 2/10 is decimal 042, hex 2a, octal 052, bits 00101010: prints as `*'
Official name: Asterisk
Other names: Star, Splat, Aster, Times, Gear, Dingle, Bug, Twinkle, Glob
0x64 XOR 0x2A = 'N'
0x22 XOR 0x2A = ASCII_LS1
I assume control characters besides usual whitespace won't be a part of the
input so it's not an XOR thing. Nor addition as bytes exceed 0x70 (and
therefore addition would put the values past valid ASCII). Nor subtraction as
0x00 occurs and that would underflow to either negative values (signed) or
values past 0x80 (unsigned), again, invalid ASCII.
I wanna see this better. I'm tossing the key line so remember it's 0x2A.
$ tail -n +5 | sed s:^.'*'byte.:: | tr -d ,
0x07 0x44 0x1E 0x6B 0x73 0x17 0x64 0x12 0x27 0x24 0x22 0x6B 0x74 0x12 0x21 0x64
0x00 0x0B 0x28 0x64 0x76 0x00 0x64 0x17 0x22 0x0F 0x76 0x00 0x7C 0x17 0x2D 0x2B
0x6F 0x12 0x64 0x64 0x00 0x2A 0x6F 0x17 0x22 0x6B 0x64 0x12 0x2C 0x23 0x7D 0x73
0x64 0x12 0x22 0x6B 0x22 0x6B 0x0D 0x22 0x73 0x12 0x64 0x6B 0x64 0x17 0x7D 0x6F
0x22 0x64 0x00 0x0A 0x64 0x2B 0x0A 0x0B 0x64 0x2A 0x2F 0x6A 0x64 0x12 0x2D 0x17
0x6F 0x12 0x64 0x64 0x00 0x2A 0x6F 0x17 0x22 0x6B 0x64 0x12 0x2C 0x23 0x7D 0x73
0x64 0x12 0x22 0x6B 0x22 0x6B 0x0D 0x22 0x73 0x12 0x64 0x6B 0x64 0x17 0x7D 0x6F
0x22 0x64 0x00 0x0A 0x64 0x2B 0x0A 0x0B 0x64 0x2A 0x2F 0x6A 0x64 0x12 0x2D 0x17
0x6F 0x12 0x64 0x64 0x00 0x2A 0x6F 0x17 0x22 0x6B 0x64 0x12 0x2C 0x23 0x7D 0x73
0x64 0x12 0x22 0x6B 0x22 0x6B 0x0D 0x22 0x73 0x12 0x64 0x6B 0x64 0x17 0x7D 0x6F
0x22 0x64 0x00 0x0A 0x64 0x2B 0x0A 0x0B 0x64 0x2A 0x2F 0x6A 0x64 0x12 0x2D 0x17
0x6F 0x12 0x64 0x64 0x00 0x2A 0x6F 0x17 0x22 0x6B 0x64 0x12 0x2C 0x23 0x7D 0x73
0x64 0x12 0x22 0x6B 0x22 0x6B 0x0D 0x22 0x73 0x12 0x64 0x6B 0x64 0x17 0x7D 0x6F
0x22 0x64 0x00 0x0A 0x64 0x2B 0x0A 0x0B 0x64 0x2A 0x2F 0x6A 0x64 0x12 0x2D 0x17
Oh, this is extremely patterned. I wonder what this looks like in hexdump(1)?
$ tail -n +5 | sed s:^.'*'byte.:: | tr -d ' ', | sed s:0x:'\\'x:g \
| xargs -0 printf | hexdump -C
00000000 07 44 1e 6b 73 17 64 12 27 24 22 6b 74 12 21 64 |.D.ks.d.'$"kt.!d|
00000010 0a 00 0b 28 64 76 00 64 17 22 0f 76 00 7c 17 2d |...(dv.d.".v.|.-|
00000020 2b 0a 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 |+.o.dd.*o."kd.,#|
00000030 7d 73 0a 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 |}s.d."k"k."s.dkd|
00000040 17 7d 6f 0a 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a |.}o."d..d+..d*/j|
00000050 64 12 2d 17 0a 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 |d.-..o.dd.*o."kd|
00000060 12 2c 23 7d 73 0a 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 |.,#}s.d."k"k."s.|
00000070 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f 0a 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 |dkd.}o."d..d+..d|
00000080 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 0a 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 |*/jd.-..o.dd.*o.|
00000090 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 0a 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d |"kd.,#}s.d."k"k.|
000000a0 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f 0a 22 64 00 0a 64 2b |"s.dkd.}o."d..d+|
000000b0 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 0a 6f 12 64 64 00 |..d*/jd.-..o.dd.|
000000c0 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 0a 64 12 22 6b |*o."kd.,#}s.d."k|
000000d0 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f 0a 22 64 00 |"k."s.dkd.}o."d.|
000000e0 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 0a |.d+..d*/jd.-..|
The 0x0As here are from the input formatting itself. Let's ditch 'em.
$ tail -n +5 | sed s:^.'*'byte.:: | tr -d ' \n', | sed s:0x:'\\'x:g \
| xargs -0 printf | hexdump -C
00000000 07 44 1e 6b 73 17 64 12 27 24 22 6b 74 12 21 64 |.D.ks.d.'$"kt.!d|
00000010 00 0b 28 64 76 00 64 17 22 0f 76 00 7c 17 2d 2b |..(dv.d.".v.|.-+|
00000020 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 |o.dd.*o."kd.,#}s|
00000030 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f |d."k"k."s.dkd.}o|
00000040 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 |"d..d+..d*/jd.-.|
00000050 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 |o.dd.*o."kd.,#}s|
00000060 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f |d."k"k."s.dkd.}o|
00000070 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 |"d..d+..d*/jd.-.|
00000080 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 |o.dd.*o."kd.,#}s|
00000090 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f |d."k"k."s.dkd.}o|
000000a0 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 |"d..d+..d*/jd.-.|
000000b0 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 |o.dd.*o."kd.,#}s|
000000c0 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f |d."k"k."s.dkd.}o|
000000d0 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 |"d..d+..d*/jd.-.|
000000e0
As cool as it is to actually /see/ the data this hasn't gotten us anywhere
closer to solving the riddle. By the way, this is my first time doing something
like this and I have entirely no clue what I'm doing. I think I'm barking up
the right tree because, ignoring addresses <0x20, every column has at most
three unique values.
I asked a roommate and it said it didn't know and asked why I was wasting my
time on /g/ riddles.
The message length is 140d bytes but the encrypted length is 0xE0 (224d) bytes.
The first two rows don't fit the pattern so perhaps they're a 32d byte header.
That would be 192d bytes for a 140d byte message?
Does this repeat?
00000000 07 44 1e 6b 73 17 64 12 27 24 22 6b 74 12 21 64 |.D.ks.d.'$"kt.!d|
00000010 00 0b 28 64 76 00 64 17 22 0f 76 00 7c 17 2d 2b |..(dv.d.".v.|.-+|
00000020 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 |o.dd.*o."kd.,#}s|
00000030 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f |d."k"k."s.dkd.}o|
00000040 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 |"d..d+..d*/jd.-.|
00000050 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 |o.dd.*o."kd.,#}s|
00000060 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f |d."k"k."s.dkd.}o|
00000070 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 |"d..d+..d*/jd.-.|
00000080 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 |o.dd.*o."kd.,#}s|
00000090 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f |d."k"k."s.dkd.}o|
000000a0 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 |"d..d+..d*/jd.-.|
000000b0 6f 12 64 64 00 2a 6f 17 22 6b 64 12 2c 23 7d 73 |o.dd.*o."kd.,#}s|
000000c0 64 12 22 6b 22 6b 0d 22 73 12 64 6b 64 17 7d 6f |d."k"k."s.dkd.}o|
000000d0 22 64 00 0a 64 2b 0a 0b 64 2a 2f 6a 64 12 2d 17 |"d..d+..d*/jd.-.|
000000e0
Hm. I'm a little stumped. I went back to the thread and checked for clues. One
anon XORed and gave up and the others are discussing whether trans people
deserve to live. I hate summer vacation. All the small children have come off
/pol/ and are thirsty for blood.
0x2A is 0b 0010 1010. Maybe the alternating 01s is a clue. Actually, I don't
care anymore.
: 2 years of blahbbing
Today is Juneteenth and also the second anniversary of my blah. In the last two
years I went from being an 18 year old depressed burger serf who spent all her
time writing and programming deranged shit to being a 20 year old depressed
burger serf who spends all its time sleeping and working, but also on the other
side of the country and with some more friends now. Still, I am tired, and you
must forgive me if one day I give up on trying to get to the point where I
don't have to work so much.
I don't remember an awful lot of these last two years but I remember the
people. Usagi, M--, another person, and on-line Emma Tebibyte and the rest of
Tebibyte Media, Veronika, the administrators of murderu.us (and especially
suika who does basically all of the work on the server). Helping others is why
I keep going and I hope I've had some sort of positive impact. There are a lot
of people I miss.
My blah has been perused by hopefully less than two dozen people which makes it
special to me as a novel-length mostly nonsensical and often incoherent &rt;700K
obscure Internet oddity that I have created. It hasn't been posted anywhere on
social media (though, feel free to share it on Hacker News, but anywhere more
popular is off limits) and even my close friends haven't read all of it. This
is indexed on DuckDuckGo which I should figure out how to prevent but not on
Google so hopefully I've not been violated in passing by corporate scraper
scum.
I don't have much more to say. I'm gonna start celebrating the blah anniversary
("celebrating") on 06-20 to avoid the collision with Juneteenth. Also happy
anniversary to the creation of X Windows. okbye
/blah/2024-06-14.html
: changing the blah header
The blog header and footer on this blah were written in a sprint on a stim
binge when I realized each blah page looked pretty empty without them (I think.
Honestly I don't remember too well). The header was:
ideas with no tangibility;
ideas with irrelevant supports;
ideas without value;
ideas' witlessness;
ideas' witnesses;
ideas-
and was meant to reflect the site theme at the time which was that each title
was a "shift" of the last title, e.g.
2022-06-25: Down with the sickness
2022-06-26: Down with the Dickness
2022-06-30: O, posts unwritten
2022-07-06: Duo, most lingual
It didn't make a lot of sense and was a little corny. The footer, on the other
hand:
No rights reserved, all rights exercised, rights turned to lefts, left in this
corner of the web.
was very popular with my friends (whose opinions are the only ones I sort of
care about). This is a spin on a format I read years ago and forgot. It's
vaguely inspired by the xkcd.com footer, which stands now as:
>xkcd.com is best viewed with Netscape Navigator 4.0 or below on a Pentium 3±1
>emulated in Javascript on an Apple IIGS at a screen resolution of 1024x1.
>Please enable your ad blockers, disable high-heat drying, and remove your
>device from Airplane Mode and set it to Boat Mode. For security reasons,
>please leave caps lock on while browsing.
as (to my memory) it appeared in 2014 when I discovered xkcd (on the tail end
of an Aaron Swartz -> RSS -> readers -> feeds to read rabbit hole I was
required to go down by the collective I was then a part of). The first latest
comic I remember reading was Vodka (#1528, May 2015) which is definitely wrong
because I remember showing my sixth grade teacher xkcd comics (which would have
had to be 2014). Memories, memories, memories. Nostalgia is a spook.
The IIGS had what, a 65K? If it was upgraded with one of those FPGA accelerator
boards, and someone wrote a performant JS engine for it and ran PCjs on it to
emulate a Pentium II, running an old Linux and using the earliest Netscape,
then set their resolution, that might be possible. I spent a lot of time
thinking about that as a kid. Maybe this is what got me into emulators.
Multiple friends have quoted my blah footer to me which makes me feel cooler
than I am. One thought about getting it tattooed on themself. Nuts. I don't see
writing as an act of creation so much as an act of observation; I am able to be
very boastful about what I have written for the same reason I often see it as
baby talk drivel (is that how you spell that?) - it has never felt like /my/
writing, only spewing ideas in my head which is a melting pot of shitty ideas I
find on-line. I have doubt in my ability to /create/ an authentically original
thought. It's an insecurity of mine.
I'm replacing the header because I want a better one. Footer remains.
/blah/2024-06-12.html
: debugging some bullshit
> alright i wanna torrent some linux isos
$ torsocks aria2c --disable-ipv6 magnet://...
[every other port abridged]
06/12 19:02:40 [ERROR] IPv4 BitTorrent: failed to bind TCP port 6947
Exception: [SocketCore.cc:367] errorCode=1 Failed to listen to a socket, cause:
Operation not permitted
06/12 19:02:40 [ERROR] IPv4 BitTorrent: failed to bind TCP port 6909
Exception: [SocketCore.cc:367] errorCode=1 Failed to listen to a socket, cause:
Operation not permitted
06/12 19:02:40 [ERROR] IPv4 BitTorrent: failed to bind TCP port 6955
Exception: [SocketCore.cc:367] errorCode=1 Failed to listen to a socket, cause:
Operation not permitted
06/12 19:02:40 [ERROR] IPv4 BitTorrent: failed to bind TCP port 6977
Exception: [SocketCore.cc:367] errorCode=1 Failed to listen to a socket, cause:
Operation not permitted
06/12 19:02:40 [ERROR] IPv4 BitTorrent: failed to bind TCP port 6915
Exception: [SocketCore.cc:367] errorCode=1 Failed to listen to a socket, cause:
Operation not permitted
06/12 19:02:40 [ERROR] Exception caught
Exception: [BtSetup.cc:212] errorCode=1 Errors occurred while binding port.
06/12 19:02:40 [NOTICE] Download [...] not complete: [...]
Download Results:
gid |stat|avg speed |path/URI
======+====+===========+=======================================================
... |ERR | n/a|...
Status Legend:
(ERR):error occurred.
aria2 will resume download if the transfer is restarted.
If there are any errors, then see the log file. See '-l' option in help/man pag
e for details.
> well fuck
> perms issue?
$ doas torsocks aria2c --disable-ipv6 magnet://...
[errors out]
$ doas setcap cap_net_raw=ep $(which aria2c)
$ torsocks aria2c --disable-ipv6 magnet://...
[torsocks errors out because it hates extra perms]
> well fuck
> iptables issue?
$ man iptables
> wait let me try something
$ cd
$ python3 -m http.server 6915 &
[1] 95309
Serving HTTP on 0.0.0.0 port 6915 (http://0.0.0.0:6915/) ...
$ curl http://127.0.0.1:6915/.bash_history | tail -n 9
man setcap
sudo setcap -r $(which aria2c)
man setcap
sudo setcap -r $(which aria2c) cap_net_raw
sudo setcap -r $(which aria2c)
sudo setcap -rcap_net_raw $(which aria2c)
sudo setcap - rcap_net_raw $(which aria2c)
sudo setcap -r - $(which aria2c)
sudo setcap - -r $(which aria2c)
> i still can't figure out how to use fucking setcap(8)
> this isn't a port problem. maybe torsocks?
$ kill 95309
[1]+ Terminated python3 -m http.server
$ torsocks python3 -m http.server
1718241786 ERROR torsocks[104835]: Unable to resolve. Status reply: 4 (in socks
5_recv_resolve_reply() at socks5.c:677)
Traceback (most recent call last):
File "/usr/lib/python3.9/runpy.py", line 197, in _run_module_as_main
return _run_code(code, main_globals, None,
File "/usr/lib/python3.9/runpy.py", line 87, in _run_code
exec(code, run_globals)
File "/usr/lib/python3.9/http/server.py", line 1289, in
test(
File "/usr/lib/python3.9/http/server.py", line 1244, in test
with ServerClass(addr, HandlerClass) as httpd:
File "/usr/lib/python3.9/socketserver.py", line 453, in __init__
self.server_activate()
File "/usr/lib/python3.9/socketserver.py", line 475, in server_activate
self.socket.listen(self.request_queue_size)
PermissionError: [Errno 1] Operation not permitted
> alright what the fuck
$ man torsocks
$ man 8 torsocks
$ TORSOCKS_ALLOW_INBOUND=1 aria2c --disable-ipv6 ...
06/12 19:32:48 [NOTICE] Downloading 1 item(s)
06/12 19:32:48 [ERROR] Exception caught while loading DHT routing table from /h
ome/trinity/.cache/aria2/dht.dat
Exception: [DHTRoutingTableDeserializer.cc:82] errorCode=1 Failed to load DHT r
outing table from /home/trinity/.cache/aria2/dht.dat
06/12 19:32:48 [NOTICE] IPv4 DHT: listening on UDP port 6925
06/12 19:32:48 [NOTICE] IPv4 BitTorrent: listening on TCP port 6917
[it works]
> FUCK yeah
/blah/2024-06-08.html
quit smoking 2024-04-13 noontime
/blah/2024-06-05.html
: more shit i wrote at work
my name is clown Jesus and I'm here to say
honk honk God and have a blessed day
(boom - de - yada)
it seems every story about a team is
rife with abuse
and between all the members X
I
when a lion
has a thorn stuck in its paw
and I can't help but get it off
and it's delighted
and it thanks me for the job
and I just laugh and say no prob
but I wake up
(I wonder)
what is real
'cuz when you treat the world with kindness
and you're numb to the surprises
and you're functional regardless
(it) doesn't matter
II
when a neighbor
needs some help carrying groceries
up the stairs, you say no worries
but you fall
and when you look the next day
and the bruises, they still remain
guess it happened
(I wonder)
what is real
'cuz when the world can't stop you dancing
even when the rain's on your skin
and you don't know but you're not worrying
time is acting up
up into the stratosphere
melting away
ticking the years until I meet my fate
time is all messed up
I saw it in a vision that I had in an alleyway
rattling guns
the gunfire reflected on the wall I was looking up
when I met you
thought I loved you
how do I tell you that I think it's a mistake
'cause I saw you
in the courtyard
trying to stop your gun's angled shake
[tenpo][ni][la][toki][mi][li][pakala][taso][lawa][mi][li][pona]
fuck your "just say no"
I'll just say yes
for a miracle of chemistry
how could I not accept?
my brain really wants it
and god my soul needs it
gotta be depressed
if I do not agree
I'll go take a rest
from the rodeo
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
foun tain HI- C ~~tastes~~
is
as hol low as ~~my po ems~~;
~~a po em~~
~~one~~
this haiku
~~so sweet but no taste~~
sweet but no flavor
/blah/2024-06-01.html
: the story so far (2021)
Season 1: bootstraps
September
Episode 1: "moving on"
Trinity moves out of its parents' house. Tensions rise in the kitchen.
October
Episode 2: "Halloween 2021"
Trinity works Halloween while everything goes wrong around it.
December
Episode 3: "alone again, naturally"
Trinity gets its room ready for New Year's Eve.
: the story so far (2022)
Season 2: rat racing
January
Episode 01: "make up"
Trinity starts looking for other jobs.
February
Episode 02: "four raging cats"
Trinity starts working part time at [...] and struggles with the job.
March
Episode 03: "car seat headrest"
Trinity and Usagi go to a concert.
April
Episode 04: "week of two concerts"
Trinity and [...] struggle to find the energy to attend two concerts in
the same week.
Episode 05: "full time"
Trinity quits a job.
May
Episode 06: "time off"
Trinity and Usagi struggle to get the time off to go to a show. Trinity
gets an offer for a farming job in Presque Isle.
June
Episode 07: "the great falls balloon festival"
Trinity goes on HRT. Usagi quits their job. Trinity goes to a festival.
Trinity starts a blog.
July
Episode 08: "driver's education"
Trinity goes to Driver's Ed. It starts trying to get its old job back
but finds out there's been a change in leadership. [...] invites
Trinity over to watch television.
August
Episode 09: "two week notice"
Trinity hands in its two week notice.
Episode 10: "sleepless in lewiston"
Trinity juggles night Driver's Ed and morning employment.
Episode 11: "revenge"
Trinity quits its job and struggles to find its footing with the old
one.
September
Episode 12: "trinity did not kill the queen of england"
[...], Usagi, Trinity, and [...] see My Chemical Romance. The queen of
England dies and they celebrate.
Episode 13: "nineteen"
Trinity celebrates its birthday.
October
Episode 14: "film noir"
Trinity tries to fill its prescription.
Episode 15: "Halloween 2022"
Trinity celebrates Halloween but things don't go according to plan.
November
Episode 16: "frozen"
Trinity finds another place to put the trash after the ground is too
frozen to dig.
Episode 17: "sewage"
The toilet backs up.
December
Episode 18: "finger"
Trinity shaves off its fingertip, writes for Tebibyte Media, and wants
to die.
/blah/2024-05-16.html
I forgot my phone today. Oh well. I've decided I'm done smoking weed at work
for the moment. Sometimes one can be too silly. Bus fares cost me an arm and a
leg. $1.75/trip? 20mins of my labor a day goes to transportation, and it's
often not on time. I feel neutral about self harm but I love to taste my own
blood so I try not to cut too deep or too big so I don't leave scars for too
long. The weather today is sunny. I'm wearing a sweater. It's been nine months
since I arrived at the bus station here. I've changed significantly. I miss
M-- and Moxie and blueberries off the bush and excellent weed and fistfights.
Life was not very good but I miss the simplicity of it. I never have enough
money anymore. I'm always tired. I don't think I deserve happiness but even if
I did I don't think I could ever find it. Blah blah blah. It smells like
freshly cut grass here. I can use this computer while walking. Maid computing.
: more shit i wrote while high at work
are antimemes sigils?
I
in the tears of the crying red sun
dying of an affliction from which its rays run
yellow sweat dripping down from my brow
the pink sky is so hot so devoid of gray clouds
one is down but two to go said the witch
dressed in black in a hood staring down at the ground
where a corpse shivers a post mortem twitch
a brown tendril connecting its neck to a bough
II
in man's final days, babe, who knew
that hell would come to us and rob our skies of blue
my sepia pictures of you
burned with the rest of my house down on West Bellevue
one is down and two are to go
said the witch slipping the knot before hitting the switch
as to her final remarks I don't know
I couldn't hear past the sound of the sandbag's rope's slip
III
welcome to a hell with population one
the last two strung out and up into the sun
burnt as their lips turned to gray
I'm the last living soul, planning to go the same way
two are down and me to go
I've loved and lost but the cost was just so damn great
as I tie the last rope on the bough
I wonder if my memories will outlive my pain
Bonsai LSD
C: gcc musl
RS: rustc
Make: bmake gmake pdpmake
SH: dash (or BSD ash?) qi betta
core: bonsai coreutils
pkg: kiss &| pkgsrc
krn: linux
arch: i386 amd64 aarch64 riscv64
tcp: curl git ssh
wm: sway + xwayland
WiFi: iwd iwctl
DHCP: dhcpcd
roll the
taco
_______ _______
| .-. | | .-. |
| (|||) | |->)|(<-|
|__'-'__| |__'-'__|
^ _______
BK FISH TACO | |^ ____ |
| |||____||
| ||______|
____ / -|- |
|\ /\ -|-|- |
\\ / \ -|-|-|- |
\\/____\ ---------> | | | | |
/-----' |
/ (1) halve_____________(2) dice______|____
| |
| ***** diced tomato |
| ( ( ) ) ) lettuce |
| ( ( ( ) ) diced fish |
| __---, |
| :___--' tartar sauce |
| ____________ |
| ,-' '-, tortilla 6" |
| '-.____________,-' |
(3) |___________________________________|
: ant wars
When I was in like first or second grade, maybe younger, I was kept in a little
patio setup behind a building that did after school services for children whose
parents wanted as much time away from them as possible. We were all kept there,
little kids sitting in the sand trying to figure out a way to get out of the
sun but prohibited from sitting in the shade, and in the midst of our boredom
we noticed the ants at that daycare were quite large and would eat each other.
So what we did is we would get a couple ants together and had a points system
in place where the less limbs your ant had the more points it could get, and
its goal was to kill other ants that other kids had. We would grab them by
their legs and use our fingernails to rip their other limbs off while they
pawed at us begging to live, and then toss them in styrofoam cups that littered
our pen and watch them fight to the death.
antennae (also pincers are over here; not removable UNLESS
you're only playing defense and expect the other ant
to die)
LU \ (__) / RU head (not removable without death)
-/\-
LM --| |-- RM middle (removable but inevitably terminal)
-\/-
LB / \ RB rear (removable; limits mobility significantly)
Ants are nicely modular; you can also glue pieces on, which is free, but most
ants don't really know how to use their shitty popsicle stick (also littered)
prosthetics. Termites were around but we didn't wanna use them because they
moved too fast and hid on you, bedbugs too.
/blah/2024-05-15.html
: emulating windows xp on a raspberry pi
https://computernewb.com/wiki/QEMU/Guests/Windows_XP
I'm going to assume you have qemu installed, and the binaries
qemu-system-x86_64 and qemu-img in your PATH, and a Windows XP x64 installation
disc image as winxp.iso.
$ qemu-img create -f qcow2 winxp.img 20G
This will make a qcow2 disk image for qemu. It grows as Windows writes to it so
you don't have to be miserly with your bytes. I will not come close to filling
20GB. On my machine the created file is 196K.
$ qemu-system-x86_64 \
-m 1G \
-device VGA,vgamem_mb=64 \
-cpu qemu64 \
-M pc \
-netdev user,id=lan \
-device rtl8139,netdev=lan \
-usb \
-device usb-tablet \
-rtc base=localtime \
-monitor stdio \
-cdrom winxp.iso \
-hda winxp.img
Have fun.
/blah/2024-05-09.html
: poetry i wrote while high at work
we're gonna end up
the lesbian stereotype:
two girls "friends with benefits"
sharing an apartment and a life
-
my gloves smell like you
you forgot to give them back
and left them in your car
I won't wash them. is that wack?
-
you said my eyes were pretty
I said yours were too
your green eyes dilated
when they met my hazel hue
-
one time we kissed in your car
but then you worried that I'd leave
because friendships last forever
but our loves don't last a week
our lease goes on five years
and we're sharing a 1-bedroom
and when the dawn shines in the window
the light seems to bend towards you
I
when the driver raises his hand into the cabin air
and the thumb is pointed up and index pointed at you
and one hand is on the wheel the other reaching behind
but then the pointer jerks up and the driver says boom
when your pistol's in your holster and your holster's at your hip
and nobody paid to train you so you fiddle with the piece
but the gun goes off and there's a bullet in the door
you know this job won't end without you meeting the polive
II
hit & run & come & go & shoot to kill & hit the floor
& smash & grab & dash & fuck the pigs are here man
[jan][ali], [o][kama]
[jan][ali], [o][kute]
[tan][pali][sina][li][pona]
[o][tawa][ala]
I had too much last night (I feel like shit)
and I'm so dizzy in the morning (yeah, I'm still feeling it)
the hands on my watch keep making their rounds
watching me (I woke up wacked out)
maybe I had too much last night
water isn't helping my skull feel less tight
I'm dizzy and unsteady and I keep falling down
it's my own damn fault I woke up wacked out
senses wrecked I reckon time is slipping in its place
every moment lasts forever but my watch says it's so late
if this is my due reckoning I'm sorry it had to come now
because I was so fucking high in the sky that I woke up wacked out
III
all we are is two old country folks
in this big ol' city bar downing two rum and cokes
I'm flirting with you as you flirt with my demise;
holding my wrist up to your blade while I gaze into your eyes
IV
when my blood runs down my arm, babe
don't you dare waste a drop
put your red lips up to my crimson vein
and drain me
I
you hate it when I call you baby
I hate it when you call my phone
you say it's infantilizing
I say we should talk when I'm stoned
II
when we went to the pub together
we asked if our warmth would last forever
but in our hearts didn't last the embers
why do we go back to this cask to remember
that
V
no, it could never be that easy
don't even dare to hope
Spy Vs Spy washed up in Reno
emo, I put vodka in my cappuccinos
at the bar
VI
and all we are is two old country folks
in a big old city bar drinking two rum and cokes
and if I slipped a poison drip, dropped into your draught,
could you slip a tab into a kiss so I forget you not
we're in a cloudy parking lot
looking through the windshield at the twilight
at the clouds in the parking lot
X
in a cloudy parking lot
snow falling from the sky
the dusk already fallen
and the phosphors shedding light
the smell of freshly fallen
chills linger in the night
you pull your arms together
pretending you don't have moistened eyes
the silent snow deafens us
and both our ears so loudly whine
I trodded thrice and then I turned back
and I softly asked you why
/blah/2024-05-08.html
I should be less heteronormative, cisnormative, and mononormative. It's kind of
funny that I am sometimes all of these things despite being gay trans and poly.
Well, my polyamory is complicated; I'd be totally fine dating multiple people
but don't have the energy to be able to spend on something like that.
Functionally it's more like nihilamory, like I'm nihilamorous. I've dated
multiple people before and it kind of sucked but that was on me. I'm rambly
because I spent the last couple days between high and nearly sober. It's harder
to doubt whether or not I am gay (I fuck chicks) or "validly" trans (I don't
give a shit) but I do feel weird calling myself poly when I have the capacity
to date 0 people right now.
/blah/2024-05-07.html
: in the wee hours of the morning...
I'm in the car with people I know very well on cruise control at 80MPH heading
to the Denver International Airport to send one of our vessels on its way. I'm
thoroughly caffeinated and 210 minutes before a shift starts and got blazed
last night and am still feeling it a littlw bit.
I got my ClockworkPi uConsole and it is my daily driver. It is a really
excellent solid piece of hardware, replacing the Aspire One comfortably. It's
an upgrade in terms of portability, durability, compatibility (USB-C instead of
barrel jack charging), and especially power consumption. The keyboard is slow
to use but I can dig out my HHKB for long term typing and the trackball and
ABXY are very comfortable to use.
/blah/2024-04-18.html
First doctor's appointment since 2022 or so, which doesn't seem like a long
time in numbers but feels like a world ago. Last time I had a doctor's
appointment Usagi covered kitchen for me and I left [...] at noon and walked up
Pine Street to the brick and sunshine and sterile interiors to go to the
pediatrician, who was a nurse practitioner (is that how you spell that?)
filling in for Jonathan who had seen me the previous dozen or so years, which
means a lot more when you're 18. This time [...] and [...] are probably in the
kitchen and I'm in a college hospital in a city - was - and got my shit checked
out by a nurse, college student, and nurse practicioner (is that how you spell
that?).
My friends really want me to see a therapist. So did the nurse practishuhner -
[...] kept me honest when filling out the mental health forms and apparently
they did not indicate such a hot pink sparkly life as I lead. They were also
more concerned about my chronic short- and long-term memory loss than I am, and
recommended Aquaphor for the thing happening on my foot. I got prescribed
patches for estrogen because I want my tits to get even bigger (they are pretty
big right now, and would be described so even on a cis woman) and because I
forget the sublingual tablets fairly often. I also feel worried about brushing
my teeth after holding them under my tongue and never remember to do so before-
hand. I've never been that great at remembering to brush my teeth.
I was blah-bbing around when I had my last doctor's appointment. Goodness.
Before today the last time I had any pizza was February 2023 I think, and I
think I had Domino's with [...] and [...] in [...]'s room. When I look back it
all seems so flat, like it happened so fast. But at the time I was amazed at
how slowly time moved. Now time races by me.
I saw Good Will Hunting today. Cool to hear Elliot Smith (is that who that
was?) in the flick. It made me miss Maine less. The South Boston slums look a
lot like Lewiston. Today a lot of the Coloradan doctors were surprised I came
from Maine. I have a Mehnn accint, jus'sligh'ly, baht it prahbahbly sahnds like
a New Englund accent to the untrained ear. Got a ton of labs done. Estrogen,
testosterone, blood sugar, other shit I forgot to read. They laid me down so I
didn't pass out like that other time where I came to thinking I was in Five
Nights at Freddy's. I accidentally fasted for it because I was on a low-carb
diet and didn't know what to eat and so had nothing to eat - I quit, today, at
Marco's when we got two large pizzas and three free fountain drinks and I drank
a Dr. Pepper, a Mug root beer, and a half-and-half of both just to see what it
would taste like.
The nurse practishinner really wanted me to take a psyche eval. I said I was
probably fine and probably wasn't depressed or anxious. [...] gave them a funny
look while I said it.
Last night I said some things to my friends that felt mean, and I wish I
didn't. They said it seemed pretty normal to them which is what feels
especially bad. For the first time in a good while I don't have any particular
urge to get high.
My blood pressure was good, weight is 192lbs, height is 72.5in with sandals on.
My Maine state ID issued 2022-09-19 said my weight was 215lbs so that's 20lbs
in 1.5 years. Maybe in five years I'll feel comfortable going to the beach. The
only time I've ever felt comfortable in the water is when [...] and I went
skinny dipping at night in Winthrop.
Boston is to New England what Colorado Springs is to Colorado. But Denver has
more notable adjacent towns like Aurora; Boston has Worcester (with the world's
shittiest Burger King) and Reading (with the world's biggest pricks). I'm not
sure what Colorado Springs has near it.
I wonder if I have any STDs or STIs or diabetes or anything. I'm scared
shitless of HIV or diabetes. I was roommates with a guy with HIV and he was
cool and took his precautions and had no problem talking about what it was like
with me, though society is unkind to those who are HIV+ and he wouldn't talk
about it with just anyone. And plenty of people have diabetes and ration
insulin and die so I guess I have that to look forward to if that happens. But
these lifelong illnesses aren't death sentences anymore, especially for people
with Medicaid, so I'll be alright either way hopefully. Diana was right - give
your HIV+ friend a hug.
Can you believe I can write all this shit and can't get myself to work on the
book I'm writing?
/blah/2024-04-17.html
Trip is cancelled. [...] vetoed it for the following reasons:
- LSD conflicts with packages already installed in my system and may result in
instability.
- I have a history of moderate drug abuse; it is hard for me to cope with
things without some substance and I spend little of my time sober.
I keep thinking about [...]. It's terrifying how many people would be hurt if I
died. I don't want to end my life in bad kharma.
I disagree with the notion that kharma is retributive; that it seeks to punish
those that deserve it. Kharma is an observation, a description. Kharma is the
realization that intentionally malicious action causes harm both to others and
one's self, an almost Newtonian law for that impossible-to-analyze humanity.
One time when I was 16 or 17 my parents noticed I had a pimple on my arm and
boxed me into the bathroom and popped it. I broke down sobbing at the
realization that, though they had had almost no positive contribution to my
life and I barely even knew them as people, having been raised mostly by my
grandparents and 4chan/b/, I still hadn't earned my bodily autonomy from them,
and truly there was nothing I could do to get away from them without attracting
the police or whoever else they would call to come looking for me until I
turned 18. I was almost like their housecat, more a housecat than a kid. The
conditions of the household deteriorated over the course of my childhood. Their
cat, Gator, stopped eating and apparently went into shock after my parents kept
yelling at him and spritzing him with a water bottle. He was their stand-in
after I went numb to their yelling at me. I sort of envy people whose parents
were nice to them, though I don't spread the bad kharma. When I'm high and
people tell me about how their parents did something loving for them sometimes
I just break the fuck down.
In the (literal) closet with the morning sun starting to trickle in after
another night of sleeplessness when we were 15 or 16 Usagi and I messaged over
Instagram. I don't have the stubs anymore so here's a recollection.
[U]: Have you ever noticed people with adverse experiences are the most likely
to turn out LGBT+?
[3]: Yeah but I've never really thought about why.
[U]: There's the neocon view that getting your shit fucked up causes your brain
to be fucked up. But I think it's just because it's harder to lie to
yourself when you're in a really bad place. You have to be honest with
yourself or you won't make it out of there.
I came out to them as trans either a little bit before or a little bit after
that.
/blah/2024-04-15.html
Cyberpunk diet is low carb and high protein. I pray to Snoop Dogg that I may be
forever high. Ecoterrorism is based.
my money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds
you wanna watch tv
Batman: The Brave and the Bold
Creeper? Aw man. So here's what I did today: [television static] I forgor skull
I had some weed, had some beer, had some coffee, had a shit ton of ice cream.
I've never in my life had beef stroganov or chicken salad and don't plan to.
I feel like I'm melting between scenes. There are little disjointed bits of
minutes when I look at the clock and then an hour later I don't understand how
the time has passed. I can't tell when people are following what I'm saying. I
can't tell when what I'm saying is coherent. It's like there's a timing issue,
or a race condition, or some difficult error in my brain it's impossible for me
to debug. It's like trying to fix typos without being able to see the text
being corrected. I hear people talking when they aren't and can't hear a
fucking thing when they are. Driftveil City Theme. I think everyone around me
despises me. I don't think there's any amount of sleep that will make me feel
well rested or any amount of rest that will make me stop feeling like I have
white hot needles coursing through my veins and every beat of my heart is just
ticking further along until I drop dead at 27.
"Trinity, this book says the revolution starts when you go on a walk."
The best word to describe me right now is scattered. mi pakala
I can't go grocery shopping on my own because I float through aisles,
backtrack, jog from one section to the next with my basket when the synapses
fire in the order that finally tells me what I need. I linger in the hardware
section, flow through bread, liquor, snacks, get caught up in the asian foods
section, go back to somewhere to find sriracha. The knives talk to me - really!
I like to look at my reflection in the stainless steel before continuing onward
after finding the kitchen timer I wanted. Are they real? Are their words? Does
it matter?
The Atari 2600 has 128B of memory which is more than I could keep on the top of
my head. Sometimes I make a choice and it doesn't matter whether the direction
is followed or not because I will meet the same future either way. Half my
friends came from hell, half are heading there. Scattered.
In amongst the ranting and raving everyone's dragging through my head, if you
talked to me you might even think I was normal. Prey animals don't show they're
wounded. Perhaps even I'm alright, just a little funky wunky. You know I'm
always full of loosely connected non sequiters, thinly explained relevances.
I've seen every Tarantino movie (except Natural Born Killers - does that
count?).
2024-04-14
[mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [sina][moli][e] [mi]
[o] [moli] [e] [mi], [wile]
[awen][ala] [lon] [ni]
[mi] [wile] [moli], [mi] [wile][moli]
[mi] [wile] [moli], [moli] [e] [mi]
[mi] [en] [moli] [mi], [mi] [en] [moli][mi]
[li] [kulupu][mi], [mi] [wile][e] [ni]
[pini][mi] [la], [tenpo][li] [suli]
[pini][mi] [li], [suwi] [ala] [lili]
[pini][mi] [la], [mi] [pali][e] [ni]:
[loje][jan] [insa], [pi ali mi]
/blah/2024-04-14.html
I saw bad stuff on the Internet yesterday and I wanna write about it. I at one
point had more to say but after some research I don't believe my point still
stands (I was going to argue that pedophilia, though much less common than it
used to be, is normal in our society; after reviewing statistics and
definitions I wouldn't say that is true). Here are some well-cited statistics
because otherwise my research would go to /dev/null (my brain only):
I Merriam-Webster defines pedophilia as "sexual perversion in which children
are the preferred sexual object"; specifically "a psychiatric disorder in
which an adult has sexual fantasies about or engages in sexual acts with a
prepubescent child" (<https://merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pedophilia>).
2 Pedophilia is evidently common in the present day; nearly one in six men
surveyed (15.1%) of 1945 in a 2023 Australian study anonymously
self-reported sexual feelings towards children (<https://www.humanrights.
unsw.edu.au/sites/default/files/documents/Indentifying%20and%20
understanding%20child%20sexual%20offending%20behaviour%20and%20attitudes
%20among%20Australian%20men.pdf>).
As a side note: I skimmed the study and statistics collection and the survey
questions all seemed clear and direct. The results are much more damning than I
would expect. I remember, before this article came out, reading that one in six
men were pedophiles, but most figures I can find on-line are much lower,
particularly ones that are not the results of studies but instead speculation
by authorities.
I think people who sexually abuse children should be slaughtered, ideally
publicly. I don't believe in rehabilitation for child molesters. I'm not picky
about the means of doing so and I wouldn't prioritize "humane" (quick) methods.
ISIS-style beheading would be fine.
When I was 15 I knew someone my age who believed they were a prostitute and
regularly did cocaine; now I would call that child sexual assault and providing
drugs to a minor. She was socially isolated. I helped her with her math
homework in class and in a level in which we were expected to graph quadratic
functions on paper she was struggling with the concepts of variables and
exponents. The teacher in the class felt she was simply lazy - which is much
worse to me now than when I was in high school - and couldn't spend time
helping her understand these concepts. My peer wasn't able to stay after school
to catch up and even if she did I don't know if I could have at 15 taught
someone through multiple grade levels of maths. Her academics were being
jeopardized by her guardians who were either negligent or complicit in their
child being pimped out and given drugs. I don't remember if she graduated.
Child abuse leaves very deep scars. She wasn't the only one I knew who was
abused but her story ("her story" - I sound like a fucking prick. She was cool
and we hung out in the field during Gym and talked about the drugs we wanted to
try) stuck with me as particularly sad. Some of the people I knew who were
abused went on to needlessly harm others, perpetuating a cycle of abuse. Others
became social workers - hopefully, helping others work through their own
trauma.
This is what I remember when I see people on-line sharing not real pictures,
but drawings of child abuse, often idealizing the acts depicted. "Loli" and
"shota" porn coats in sugar some of the shittiest possible things that can
happen. Perhaps this isn't a revolutionary take; hopefully it is the most
common opinion on the matter. Children should be protected from harm. Imagery
that portrays child abuse as anything but horrifically evil is created and
shared by people who either don't understand the gravity of what it is they're
sharing (i.e. people who are minors themselves) or subhuman filth who should be
put before a firing squad.
There's this one board on a chan site that focuses on drawn, sexualized gore. I
don't really care to write about "guro" porn because I don't have gathered
thoughts on the matter or the ethics of its consumption. I find it nearly
impossible to browse the board because for every ten drawings of adults killing
each other in coitus there is one cartoon of a minor doing the same and, like a
bird hitting a pin feather when preening, I feel a sudden, sharp pain in my
heart. This is the area that used to feel empathy and now rarely lights up
anymore. I remember the hollow stares of some of my friends coming in to school
from the morning taking the bus from their personal hells that they called
their homes. Then I close the site and never go back to the thread I was
reading. I've done this about three times, each time returning after a longer
period than before, and yesterday when it happened again I closed the site and
I'm not opening it again. Honestly I should have known better than to return
after the first time.
There's a chan site, wirechan.org, that unlike the last one is actually good
and tends to have good people posting. Recently it was raided by a horde of
wild... pedophiles? I'm not familiar with that part of the Internet and don't
wanna be. Someone found a murderu.us XMPP advertisement I posted somewhere
(if I recall, wirechan/b/), joined #subgeneral, and wrote something in the chat
about sexually provocative kids and a -9 months age of consent. I learned how
to ban users and added more admins in case something like that ever happens
again, and I'm thankful pedophilic imagery wasn't posted in the chat. This is
why you can't put image uploads on murderu.us - I don't want CSAM on my server.
Immediately after they started posting, people in chat were making fun of them.
After they were banned the digs at what they said continued. murderu.us
participants are cool.
I know pedophilic content is common on the Internet where scum can collect in
moist, dark places and send spores drifting around the open air of the web that
give people the occasional fungal infection or lung condition. I know
pedophilia is common even among real human beings. I just have had a hard time
with this knowledge and I wanted to write about what about this was hard for me
to understand and why I get so angry at pedophilia whether demonstrated or
glorified. I've been in a bad mood today and I think these two things I saw on-
line were a part of it.
I've been trying to use shorter sentences and more punctuation to try to make
my writing more coherent but I'm not sure if this blahpost reads easily. I
think it would be hard to misconstrue my points though, which I wanted to be
sure of because miscommunication here would be pretty awful.
/blah/2024-04-13.html
ona | it
li lon | is
lukin | to the eye
la |
ona | it
li lon ala | is not
ona | it
li sona | knows
e ni | that
jan | people
li moku | are food
tawa ona | to it
ona | it
li moku pona | eats well
ona | it
li | is
lon ma lawa insa | in the inside of heads
isipin | thought
li pali | creates
e ona | it
tenpo ni | now
la sina sona | you know
e ona | it
tenpo ni | now
la ona | it
li sona | knows
e sina | you
o kon. o pilin e lawa sewi sina. ni li pona. ni li pona anu seme? o isipin ala
e ni, tan tenpo sina li lili mute. o tawa. sijelo sina li kalama. sijelo sina
li wile e tawa ala e utala ala e kon ike ala. o utala e wile pi sijelo sina.
there's this void inside that loves me
and it once wished i were well
and it's this void that's inside me
that's just there causing my deepest hell
it's silenced all of my cries
when i've tried to scream for help
but i still think i kinda like it
because it loves me like no one else
no
the lattice of its chaos marches on so far away
laying groundwork for my madness so that i know what to say
its rehearsal of internal conflict causing me slow decay
is etching my destruction onto the surface of my brain
That poem isn't complete nor are any this is BLAH we PUBLISH UNFINISHED WORKS
up in this bitch take yo ass back to SUBSTACK
/blah/2024-04-12.html
I'm high as hell.
o telo oko |
pi pilin ike | cry
o weka | discard
e lipu pona | good records
pi pilin pona | of good feeling
o sona | know
e ni: | this:
moku | consume
e pilin ike | the bad feelings
la | and
pilin ike moku | the bad feelings consume
e sina | you
o toki | speak
lon toki ike | in cruel speech
o ike | be cruel
e jan ante | to others
o sona | know
e ni: | this:
sina awen | you wait,
la | and
tenpo sina | your time
li kama ala pona | doesn't get better
sina weka | discard
e ale pona | all that is good
la | and
ale ike | all that is bad
li weka | does away with
e kon sina | your soul
kon mi | my soul
li ike kin | is bad too
mi ike | i'm sorry
/blah/2024-04-11.html
: list of things I own in Colorado
I have a blue string bag given to me by [...] with WARREN WARRIORS written on
the front. I take it to work. In it is
- a Nook (1st generation) reader
- 3 name tags, one of which with my name on it, the other two blank
- my work visor, apron, and shirt, which has another name tag on it
- a paint scraper
- sunglasses
- a bottle of probably 500 200mg caffeine pills (enough to kill 250 people, in
case you're wondering what the DEA would think about that)
- my uncashed Colorado state tax return check
- an eggs goldenrod recipe (which I owe a co-worker)
- a small bottle of ibuprofen
- a tin with antibacterial ointment and half a dozen Band-Aids
- a sewing kit (length of paracord, chalk, needle, thread) in a plastic bag
- my Hydroflask (beat to utter shit)
Next is my backpack, an Osprey Farpoint 40L which is the biggest carry-on I
could have on a Greyhound and has served me well in the almost-year I've had
it. In it is
- a lighter
- nail clippers
- a compass
- 8 IKEA pencils
- a very warm beanie
- a Quansheng UV-K6 with retractible antenna and programming cable
- a Searick MP3 player (which I should give back to the former owner)
- an iPhone 6 Plus
- an iPhone 4 (jailbroken)
- a DC5525 plug, alligator clips cable
- a DC5525 plug-plug cable
- a very damaged Geiger counter, sans Geiger tube
- 3 black bandannas
- a bra
- pink-and-white striped thigh-highs
- one unmatched Kinco Frost Breaker glove
- another bra
- a pair of wool socks
- a pair of underwear
- an unmatched sock
- two more pairs of underwear
- a pair of shorts
- a pair of socks
- an unfinished letter (maybe from December or January?):
[toki][a]
[nasin][En][Musi][Ale], [mi][jo][e][kala][pona][tawa][mi]: [kala][suli].
[lon][moku][unintelligible][mije][jo][e][unintelligible]. [jan][mute][li]
[moku][e][ona]. [unintelligible][li][ike][mute][li][ike][mute][tawa][mi].
[mi][sona][e][ni]: [mi][olin][e][kala][suli][la][jan][ante][li][olin][e]
[kala][suli][la][jan][mute][ala][li][moku][e][kala][suli][la][kala][suli][li]
[moli][ala]. [kala][suli][li][moli][ala][la][mi][li][pilin pona]. [mi][wile]
[e][unintelligible]. [kala][suli][li][suwi][tawa][mi]. [mi][lukin][ala][e]
[ona]. [unintelligible][li][unintelligible][ala][e][ante][tawa][mi]. [kala]
[suli][li][suwi][tawa][mi]. [mi][wile][ni]: [jan][ale][li][moli][ala][e]
[soweli][ale][e][kala][ale][e][akesi][ale]. [mi][olin][e][soweli][ale][e]
[kala][ale][e][akesi][ale][e][kala][utala].
[unintelligible][olin][mute][la][tan][soweli][san]
- a folder full of working papers and bank statements
- a first aid kit in a plastic bag:
- CVS pain-free wrapping
- gauze and naloxone in another plastic bag
- 4 travel canisters of baby powder
- a bottle of spray Aquaphor
- a Gameboy cartridge case with a condom in it
- a roll of climber's tape
- a tube of toothpaste
- a tube of antibiotic ointment, with acetaminophen
- a packet of 2 acetaminophen tablets
- two packs of razor blades
- a sunscreen stick
- a bottle of acetaminophen
- a small vial with a Nook (1st generation) speaker detached from the
mainboard, and a plastic piece that came off with it
- a prescription bottle (labelless) with a blunt in it
- a prescription bottle (labelless) with aspirin powder in it
- Franz Kafka, the Beanie Baby kiwi (a flightless bird)
- a rainbow (red, orange, yellow, blue) sweatband
- a Sony Discman (untested) with the Zelda 25th anniversary special orchestra
CD in it
- a Searick lanyard
- a canister of Dr. Martens Wonder Balsam
- a choker given to me by the lead singer of Stalk at Squashed Warehouse last
summer
- another pair of underwear
- the matching sock
- a flashlight/lantern/power bank
- a $20 preloaded debit card, paid in cash anonymously
- a USB-C plug-plug cable
- a 3.5mm TRRS plug-plug cable
- two pocket notebooks, one empty
- the toki pona cheat sheet, printed and folded to be pocket sized
- a pocket dhammapada
- a pocket cleaning cloth
- a spool of thread
- a bottle of black nail polish
- a tube of carmex
- a deck of cards
- a bag full of cables
- a bag full of bags
- my prescriptions (estrogen and spironolactone) and multivitamins
- a pill organizer, that also has diphenhydramine in case I need it
- my important documents
Next is my sleeping bag bag (the bag that holds my sleeping bag; at one point I
knew the domain-specific term for this, but now I don't) which contains
- a bivy
- a sleeping bag
And after that is a box I have for excess storage, as I've basically had
permanent residence for nearly six months now and have accumulated some extra
things and moved some things out of my backpack. It has
- about two square meters of black fabric I purchased at Wal Mart
- two wool t-shirts
- a small hand towel
- an unmatched sock
- a cloth mask
- a charging base for my K6
- extra grip tape for my scooter
- new wheels for my scooter, that I have to figure out how to install
- my very broken Pinebuds Pro
- a chamoix, unopened, and the canister for a second
- the solar charging case for my now broken Storm2
- my HHKB
- the previous, slightly broken keyboard for my Acer Aspire One
- a Famicom DS system (not the Disk System but the Nintendo DS attachment)
- Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo Famicom
- a prescription bottle full of screws and miscellaneous small parts
- a piece of paperclip I sometimes bend into shapes to try to burn into my skin
(burning your skin in a way that visibly scars, using a lighter and
paperclip, takes patience I don't have - I can't hold the pin on the light
long enough before I crave it too bad)
Under that box is a second box, my rags box that I use for patches and stuff,
that has
- my old work hat
- a work shirt I never liked
- my Wendys hat
- my Wendys shirt
- a cleaing rag
- another sleeping bag bag for my previous sleeping bag which is currently at
my grandparents'
- my previous set of underwear (3 pairs and they sucked)
Beyond these I have
- pu, ku, and su
- a Baofeng UV-5R I've gotta ship to my sidekick
- a sweater
- a 10" Samsung tablet
- a Google Pixel 3A
- my wallet
- a Hello Kitty scrunchie
- my belt
- SD cards, an SD card reader
- earplugs
- another lighter
- an MP3 player
- another roll of climber's tape
- glasses
- a micro USB cable attached to a USB-A port USB-C plug adapter
- parts for my glasses
- a case with the needles for my sewing kit and a razor for cutting seams
- a Sharpie or two
- various paper notes
- a bottle of lotion
- a Razor scooter
- a USB-C cable and AC adapter
- an Acer Aspire One and charger
- two pairs of wired earbuds
- a can of WD-40
and the clothes on my body which are
- a pair of gym pants
- a bra
- a pair of socks
and some clothes in the washer which are
- a pair of socks
- a pair of pants
- a shirt
and
- a television
- 50m of 550 line
- an RF modulator
- an iFixit Kit with most items swapped for better tools
and that's it, that's everything I own in the state of Colorado.
/blah/2024-04-10.html
2024-04-08
(pu) Toki Pona: The Language of Good
kinupolu te watusen a! - jan Sonja
(ku) Toki Pona Dictionary
soweli Tini o! mi pilin pona tan ni: sina lon! jan Sonja
(su) The Wonderful Wizard of Oz: Toki Pona Edition
mu mu mu
I watched and smiled anxiously at Sonja Lang signing the three books I was
purchasing for myself, as well as the two I was purchasing for my roommates. ku
was signed first and I thought the note was really, really sweet. I needed that
actually. Then pu. I don't know what "kinupolu te watusen a" means - "a" at the
end is emphatic, "te" is a nimi sin (word, new) sometimes used to introduce a
quote, but "kinupolu" and "watusen" are incomprehensible to me.
"te" is interesting - from the Japanese -tte and conceived by kala kala and jan
Lakuse, and the latter of whom was there. I discovered Toki Pona after I had
been studying Japanese for a bit and it was cool to see some toki pona tan toki
Nijon.
At lipu su she seemed to have lost some steam in signing which was worrying
because I was the first (though probably the least socially acclimated) fan in
a growing line. "mu mu mu" was written in green pen below the toki pona title
and above soweli Toto. [...] came over to where I was and asked for the second
copy of su I was purchasing to be signed to jan Masi. At the end I thanked jan
Sonja very much and anxiously stepped among the clumps of social masses and
stood near a bookshelf with [...] while [...] got food.
[...] wanted to socialize and I sort of wanted to socialize, or at least be a
fly on the wall for socialization. We discussed the consequences of striking up
a conversation with a stranger or trying to nestle our way into an already-
formed crowd. Eventually they walked over to a stranger and started talking
about toki pona and stuff and people gravitated towards us and we formed a
semicircle (open, so others could join easily). [...] came back and the
discussion continued, touching on xkcd, Lojban, alternate human interfaces for
computers, Rust, Esperanto, and basically every topic we discuss at home, now
with more opinions and others guiding the conversation, which is what
socialization is for those of you who don't know. Then I checked my cell phone
for the time and drat, it was 1805 and we would be towed if we didn't go back
and move the car or renew the parking. I volunteered to go over to the car and
pay for more parking (as I was the least invested in the current conversations,
being dreadfully interested in them but having little to contribute) and took
the keys and left, too awkward to say o tawa pona to the speakers who had come
a long way to be there.
I took the elevator down and left Norlin Library, stepping onto beautiful turf
and having an intensely vivid mental image - blocking out my own vision, no
matter how I tried to see past it or return to the present - of my own
hometown and walking through the courtyard of my middle school. The grass was
the same shade and the trails were the same sort of tar and even the buildings
were the red brick with which I was intimately familiar. It is April and the
trees are starting to bloom and though the Vernal air was filling my nose too
full and giving me the sniffles I was in love with the view and wish I didn't
have to hurry back to the car.
I made it some minutes late though there was no tow truck in sight and none
could have towed it since the parking had expired. I went to the kiosk and
tried to pay for more time but it errored repeatedly, saying I had to enter the
license plate (which I did) before trying to swipe my card. Eventually I tried
to use ADA parking, which is ninety minutes for free, and it worked, so we had
until 1900 to get out of dodge. I texted [...] and told them this and then sat
in the car with pu and got to reading.
My toki pona knowledge, two days ago, was not great. Only enough to be able to
navigate around relevant websites and say some basic phrases. I started from
lesson 1 and built myself a solid foundational learning rather than picking up
things here and there (which works for many languages but not one of a hundred
and extra words). Now I feel somewhat comfortable conversing though my spoken
vocabulary is limited. tenpo suno pini wan la (I had jan Ema help me with this
part of the sentence), mi pini pu. mi toki lon toki pona la, mi pilin pona. And
stuff.
[...] and [...] came back to the car eventually and explained that we could
park where we were for free after 1900, correcting my jumbled belief that we
would be towed if we were there. Then they said the remaining toki pona group
was going to dinner and one of my roommates was invited, though they were
unclear on whether the other one or myself were.
We ([...]) drove to the restaurant and waited for confirmation from the toki
pona group that we were fine to go in. No confirmation came back and after much
discussing pros and cons of approaches (I sort of just wanted to go home and
order a pizza) they went in while I was too fearful of public embarrassment to
go. I stayed in the car and tried to sleep but couldn't. I tried to read but
couldn't focus. I tried to play video games but can't play video games to save
my life, the awful flashing lights and obnoxious sounds inflicting countless
papercuts on my soul which craves, probably somewhere deep down, tranquility
and comfort. I tossed and turned and as the temperature dropped so did mine,
and by the time my roommates came back to the car I was locked in a running
flashback to the Burger King parking lot where I had made my home and their
unlocking the car and opening the doors threw me into a sheer terror on par
with the worst I've felt. I asked to go to a gas station. And for a cigarette.
They agreed to help with the first plea.
On the way to the gas station they discussed a breakfast that would be
happening the next morning and called one of my exes to chat. I sat in the back
and played a game where the goal was to kill myself by sheer will, by wishing
long and hard enough that I would simply be torn from existence by some divine
act. Eventually we got to a Seven-11 (is that how you write that?) and I got a
Monster, a danish, and Chex Mix, and consumed the three in the opposite order
on the way back to [...], Colorado. I also decided to call out of work the next
morning to go to breakfast, which is a recollection for another time.
Meeting jan Sonja was really cool. Social anxiety got the better of me on most
moments within the day and that was less cool. I think I ought to take more
risks. I decided to write this in the style of Hunter S. Thompson (would he
care if I spelled that wrong?) because I figure most writing on toki pona and
its community is academic or starstruck and I wanted to even it out a bit. I
had a good time and the toki pona speakers I met were some of the coolest
people with which I've ever conversed.
/blah/2024-04-09.html
It was probably thirteen hundred something and I was in the back seat of the
Solara craving a cigarette more than I craved life, death, or any other stim.
Hyperpop was blasting on the radio and my roommates were talking about
something or another, programming related. Rust syntax? I mentioned the AWK
book's second edition had come out this year and that I had downloaded it. Emma
said something about how it was a shame AWK was specified in POSIX. Something
or another... I couldn't focus on the conversation, which was a shame, because
it was the only thing on which I was trying to focus. Topics blurred in and out
of my vision like a radar on a tank slowly pinging the surroundings of a sun-
bleached desert, though this desert much more resembled a town on the outskirts
of Denver than a war torn country (the difference being that the buildings were
standing- and also modernist architecture). Eventually I gave up and ceded
whatever point I was trying to make, though to be honest I felt my mouth was
moving on its own. Neither I or Kami were awake, barely even lucid. Just
dreaming of that first drag off a fresh red...
Boulder came into view and changed the pallete (is that how you spell that?) to
a vivid, passionate green I hadn't known since Pennysylvania. The buildings
went from stucco (I think. maybe Adobe. I don't know this land's building
materials) to red brick and wood and metal and glass, the people were no longer
cowboys but yuppie college students wearing Apple Airpods Pro and talking on
iPhones and a mix of turtlenecks and thick-framed glasses and
circular-spectacled faux cottagecore dress-wearing women. This was a college
town and the young adults were wasting no time on the years allotted them to be
silly or stuck-up. The streets narrowed from I-25 and the stores huddled on the
streets between smaller lots than for which America has the taste and paid
parking at $1.50/hr. I stared through the nook between the passenger and driver
at the shrubbery, the manicured lawns and overgrown trees, Colorado's Harvard
or Harvardoid. A non-student couldn't tell the difference. I was consumed by
the nicotine withdrawal and came to, my middle finger and my thumb rapidly
clicking at each other like I was some fiend with trigger finger from an alien
gun, outside the car, walking towards the pay kiosk in a trance. I stood and
stared at the lush, soft grass that New Englanders know in their hearts marks
home and eventually noticed it was time for me to swipe my paycard in the slit
underneath the screen. Beep. We had three hours, until 1822. I noticed I lost
two hours to my daemon and turned to berate it for taking my valuable time only
to remember the devil was in my head, not my house, and walked with the
roommates to the library which was our destination in the first place.
After enduring my roommates' lectures regarding the law and forbidden actions
(such as climbing through construction in order to make our route much shorter)
we arrived at Norlin Library and, after one of them had a brief chat with the
student at the inquiries desk and a long sojourn onto the Information Super-
Highway in search of clues, we took a small elevator to the fourth- no, wait,
we pressed the wrong button and corrected- the fifth floor. There were a great
many people and I wondered if we had found the right place before being handed
an ornate program printed on soft, thick, reflective paper explaining the event
before us. It was double sided with the Toki Pona on the first side and the
English on the back.
Originally: pini la, toki pona li pali musi pi jan wan. tenpo ni la, ona li
kama toki pi jan ale. tenpo kulupu ni la, jan o toki lon ni!
My interpretation: In the past, Toki Pona was a fun activity of one person. In
this time, it is the language of all people. In this community event, people
discuss this!
Provided English: Toki Pona: From Personal Art Project to Small World Language
There were many people and many things happening. Qdoba - not Chipotle, as the
program stated - were lighting flames underneath metal containers in which
tortilla chips and salsa mixes would be served. While one of my roommates
pissed I meandered over to the books table, where pu (Toki Pona: The Language
of Good), ku (Toki Pona Dictionary), and jan Sonja's latest book, su (The
Wonderful Wizard of Oz: Toki Pona Edition), were on display. I asked a clump of
the crowd how the books could be purchased and a woman in pink said quietly
that she would be accepting cash after the discussion, or another person would
be accepting money via Venmo.
My craving gave way to anxiety at the crowd. I and the roommate who was not in
the bathroom wandered anxiously around the conference hall for a bit before,
after the other roommate came back and held our things, we both went to the
bathroom, I with a little bit of hesitation just from nerves. I tried not to
have a heart attack. When I came back out there was still a great deal of
socialization happening and my roommates and I found seats in the row behind
the front a few minutes before the discussion started and I realized the person
in pink was jan Sonja whose first impression of myself had been that I was a
sweaty, nervous fan.
jan Sonja was accompanied by jan Lakuse and Boulder locals and nearly-locals in
chairs at the front of the room facing a crowd that overflowed from the sixty
or so seats to standing room at the back of the hall. jan Sonja and jan Lakuse
were equipped with lapel microphones attached to wireless transmitters on their
waists and the rest of the round table passed around two handheld microphones.
The round table was comprised of, from left to right, and to my foggy
recollection:
jan Masoko (Tessa Moskoff)
jan Kasin (Caedin Cook)
jan Wiwa (River Smith)
jan Lakuse (Chelsea Raacz)
jan Sonja (Sonja Lang)
jan Sa (Jack Foster)
jan Elu (El Hays)
jan Oli (Olivia Bahr)
And they each had insightful and interesting questions that I don't remember.
The talk was followed by my roommates socializing and me standing at the books
table waiting for someone who seemed like an authority to start accepting dana.
It didn't take long until jan Sonja found a seat by the table and as I had cash
I could purchase my books first.
/blah/2024-04-08.html
# usermod -aG dialout trinity
# usermod -aG tty trinity # doesn't change ttyUSB0 but makes me feel better
# ^D
$ ^D
Now programming the UV-5R works after a relogin. I fixed some settings and
changed the intro screen to read
__________
| |
| haiii :3 |
|__________|
I got my K6. Gonna try to figure out how to program it, like make apps and
shit.
Today [...], [...], and I are going to see Sonja Lang, and we're all really
stoked. jan Sonja pali e toki pona. Sonja made Toki Pona. Like, imagine meeting
the person that invented Spanish or English. She's selling all three Toki Pona
books and I'm gonna buy all of them. I really hope she'll autograph them for
me. jan Sonja is to conlangs what David Bowie is to rock and roll. Aaaaaahh I
hope we don't geek out too much for her.
Finished The Taste of a Man (1997).
/blah/2024-04-02.html
: programming the UV-5R
I recently ordered a UV-K6 radio, similar to the UV-5R but much more
featureful, much more programmable, and slightly newer. In order to program it
I needed a programming cable which would also work with my UV-5R so it was a no
brainer to get one of those too. I received the cable before the K6 and I wanna
play with radios so I'm programming my 5R.
Permission denied: '/dev/ttyUSB0'
/blah/2024-04-01.html
People care about me and I don't even feel like a corporeal being. I feel airy,
dissociated, like the world around me isn't real, like I'm not real either, and
like this is an illusion I'm barely even a part of. I feel like the couch on
which I lie is a projection and the air flowing across my body is a false
sensation. I find it difficult, nigh impossible, to care about my own
well-being because to care about my own well-being is to believe that I am a
being in the first place and I don't feel at all like that. I feel like I was
born to die, like I have one purpose and that is to work until I rot and then
in my death know I failed to continue longer, and die in my perceived failure.
In this very moment I don't feel like I'm in this body. I could be anywhere. In
a hospital chained to a bed in a years-long hallucination, in the car in the
longest mental breakdown of my life, at work lost in thought. I feel like I'm
falling. I'm not tethered to anything, not even my own breaths - which aren't
real. When I lift my chin up, lift my head so my gaze is perpendicular to my
spine, tilt my head farther, my vision just keeps lifting, the movement not
limited by any sort of physical presence or physics whatsoever, my perception
simply an input device controlled by my physical sensations, so when I move I
move without limits because the world is not real. This terminal is at once so
far away and yet incredibly close, so close I can see each individual glyph I
enter, so big it spans my vision, filling my eyes with sharply contrasting
pixels, pink and black, but the pink so bright it may as well be white, so far
I struggle to see it, a pinprick in the inky black of my world, my own vision
a pinhole surrounded by my mind, a terrible cave in which I am confined. I feel
like I'm falling. It's this sinking feeling, this acceleration, forever
approaching the ground, the real ground, whatever that may be. I didn't feel
hungry for a moment today. I never felt hot either. I feel cold right now. But
I know it's not real. It's just another input someone plugged into my brain
which is floating in a jar somewhere in Berlin or Shymkent. I want someone to
kill me; I want to die.
I struggle to imagine myself happy or what my happiness looks like. I always
have. I just try to find meaning in serving others. I don't let myself get
hurt, except when I do, because I can't tell when I'm going to be hurt. I crave
physical touch, the kind I haven't felt since October or so, but not from
anyone from which I've received it in the past. I struggle to talk to people,
especially people my age. I can only relate to people in their 30s or 40s or
later. There's this wall that exists between me and people my age. Nothing they
talk about I understand. It's vapid interpersonal gossip and they-saids and
none of it has substance. What do I talk about with those I can communicate?
Cooking. News. System design. Then it breaks down. I don't know many people who
share interests with me and I can't find new people who do because I find it
difficult to be in big group chats of people I don't know and impossible to use
proprietary services like Discord or Instagram. I don't meet new people except
in real life and nobody I meet in real life likes computers or any of the
Internet stuff I do, nobody likes to watch people die or talk about the kind of
romance for which people throw themselves off buildings or speculate about the
XZ backdoor or anything. I tell myself my happiness doesn't depend on others
but Kami - simultaneously internal and external, obligatorily my best friend
but of unknown origin and with unexplained intent - can't touch me the way
flesh can and stuffed animals can't love the way I can. I have never
experienced chronic reciprocity with a human being. It's all fleeting, really
fleeting, gone in a second. Finding happiness in serving others is only really
feeling comfortable in relationships that are at least fringed with toxicity.
There is nobody who serves me, not consistently, nobody I let do so, because I
wouldn't feel comfortable in that. It is imbalanced. I haven't been happy
before, only felt a certain type of glee that in hindsight only could exist
because I couldn't tell something was wrong. My happiness is proven wrong in
every event. "I'm happy", I say, when I feel better than bad, but never when
better than good, because then I know it's fleeting, know even better than when
better than bad, know it's even more fleeting, because I know I haven't time to
waste on such a remark. I may never be happy and I'm not worried about the
possibility because it doesn't matter, because I'm not real. I imagine my death
to be the day when I lay down and die, just suddenly, just like that. Without
struggle against the reaper, without fear, and without wasted time. I find the
end of the line, a transparent fabric dead-ahead, a shroud separating the
present from the future in which I'm not to participate, and I see it and
recognize it. I leave the room, walk ten paces into the desert, and collapse
into the sand, dead of an unknown ailment, likely old age at 27 years old. And
it's a noble death. I leave behind nothing of value and no cash holdings and
nobody notices until they check my on-line status and see my last activity was
years ago. Perhaps I moved on. And I will have. Assuming I am real.
Last night in tears I said I wish I was normal and was asked what that means. I
don't know. I just want to be able to write a coherent paragraph. I feel like
I'm speaking a different language. The voices are loud.
And now for something completely different...
: murderu.us is even more broken
5AM MST
my beloved ibuki.club redirect, it's gone
day ruined
also, how does ssl work in this setup? doesn't caddy deal with it on
its own or have you accounted for this?
caddy deals with it on its own
cname ibuki.club to murderu.us and you'll be fine
i should make them have the aame certs. will probably later. just was
fed up after spending an hour or two on one file.
you should've because how does prosody get certs now?
ngircd too?
I can fuck with it tonight, it's not super urgent since the certs have
somewhere between 0 and 90 days to expire
>cname ibuki.club to murderu.us and you'll be fine
I don't think certs work that way unfortunately
if you want i can swap it around to everything cnamed to feeling
again, i was just trying to be clever
[...]
i swapped it so feeling is an A record again vs CNAME
suika: ping
now ssl doesn't work at all, even on murderu.us?!?!?
>curl: (35) OpenSSL/3.2.1: error:0A000438:SSL routines::tlsv1 alert
internal error
I'll try to fix it up tonight, don't worry about it
This is code for "TRINITY STOP FUCKING UP MY SERVER CONFS"
>i swapped it so feeling is an A record again vs CNAME
not the problem, cnames or A records wouldn't fix anything because it
goes by the domain itself and not what it points at
This is code for "TRINITY STOP FUCKING WITH EVEN MORE SHIT"
: in which Trinity fucks with even more shit
$ ssh feeling.murderu.us
$ doas su -
I have about twenty minutes to work on this before I clock into work. Here's
hoping I don't fuck it up irrecoverably.
7:30AM MST
don't ngircd and prosody have different certs?
yes, but with how acme was configured they both ran off the same one
where's acme?
did caddy fuck with global certs or something? i thought its certs
were caddy-specific
there's a script in /usr/local/bin that does ssl stuff and is wired up
in cron
>i thought its certs were caddy-specific
they are
one of the main selling points of caddy is to deal with ssl for you,
which is fine in the case of hosting only a web server but you also
have xmpp and irc
should i set caddy to use the acme dir in /etc/ssl/.../feeling.murder
u.us.json
not sure
/blah/2024-03-31.html
: fixing the murderu.us web stuff
I've heard good things about Caddy from [...] and [...] so we're using that.
# apk add caddy make python3
# rc-service add caddy
# git clone https://git.tebibyte.media/murderu.us/src.git /srv/murderu.us
# git clone https://git.tebibyte.media/trinity/src.git /srv/trinity
# cat >/srv/update-web.sh
#!/bin/sh
set -e
# murderu.us
git -C /srv/murderu.us reset --hard
git -C /srv/murderu.us checkout main
git -C /srv/murderu.us pull
# trinity.moe
git -C /srv/trinity reset --hard
git -C /srv/trinity checkout main
git -C /srv/trinity pull
make -BC /srv/trinity dist/homepage \
>/var/log/trinitydotmoe-out \
2>/var/log/trinitydotmoe-err
^D
# sh /srv/update-web.sh
and I'm having a hard time with the Caddyfile
HAS NOT WORKED:
:80 {
root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
}
HAS NOT WORKED:
http://trinity.moe {
root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
}
Oh it's on-line. Here's the working config:
{
admin off
}
trinity.moe, www.trinity.moe {
root * /srv/trinity/dist/homepage
file_server
}
be.murderu.us {
root * /srv/murderu.us/be
file_server
}
:80, :443 {
root * /srv/murderu.us/www
file_server
}
Alright anyway.
Read The Effects of the Injection of Human Semen into Female Animals (1945),
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (1950), Chess Story (1976), BLAME!
chapters 1-65 (1997-2003), Blame (1995), Sonichu #0 (2005), BLAME Academy! and
the two following chapters (2008), BLAME!2 (2008), NSE (2008), Numa no Kami
(2008), Parcel (2008), Pump (2008), The Armored Battle Insects: Sphingidae
(2008), Zeb-Noid (2008), Surviving Secondary (2011), Schengen Overview (2012),
Unix as IDE (2015), BLAME! Fort of Silicon Creatures (2017), GNU Parallel 2018
(2018), "Semenly" Harmless Back Pain: An Unusual Presentation of a Subcutaneous
Abscess (2019), Batman: Last Knight on Earth #1-3 (2019-2020), Something is
Killing the Children #1-20 (2019-2021).
I'm reading The Taste of a Man and I really love it.
I quit veganism on the 27th after a year of being vegan.
FOODS THAT ARE VEGAN
- Impossible Whopper, with no mayonaise (is that how you spell that?)
- French fries from most fast food places, notably excepting McDonalds
- McDonalds' Apple Pies
- Doritos, but only the Spicy Sweet Chili flavor
- Drakes Apple Pies
- Sour Patch Kids
FOODS THAT ARE NOT VEGAN, BUT YOU'D THINK THEY ARE
I can't remember, as I checked ingredients labels I slowly built a database in
my head of Contains: MILK, EGGS, ETC.
- Shin Ramen. I thought it was vegan because it didn't Contain: MILK, EGGS. But
nestled in the ingredients were multiple beef things.
TIMES I ATE NON-VEGAN FOOD ITEMS
- Shin Ramen. A lot of it. I misread the label.
- Vodka sauce. Contains: MILK.
- A Wendy's pretzel bun. Contains: MILK.
- Pesto. Contains: MILK. Probably the same week as the vodka sauce.
Most foods that suck are not vegan. Most pretty alright foods are vegan. I will
probably go vegan again in the future.
NON-VEGAN FOODS I HAVE TRIED SINCE QUITTING VEGANISM
- A Junior Whopper, no mayo. My stomach hurt and I felt sad for the cow.
- Eggs, fried medium in butter. My stomach hurt less from these and it felt
nice to fry eggs again. I felt weird about the butter though.
- Dairy Queen ice cream, a blizzard (cookie dough or something). This made my
stomach hurt like hell.
- Eggs, fried medium in neutral oil.
- French toast sticks. These weren't very good.
- A biscuit with jam. This was alright but not great.
- Ice cream, a lot of it. Cheap stuff from Burger King. I am addicted. It makes
my stomach feel like it is going through a self-destruct sequence.
- The Dr. Pepper Whataburger Shake. I got a large and regretted it.
- A Whataburger malt, vanilla. Finished the rest of a friend's. Regretted it.
- A Monte Christo, technically a mini Christo. Delicious but felt weird.
- Hot chocolate, two times or three. One of the times I put whipped (via
blender) sugarless cream in there. Then I tried to whip more cream with sugar
in the blender and curdled a cup of heavy whipping cream - the blender blades
get two hot from friction.
- A sandwich with turkey, swiss, pickles, and mayo. Made me feel weird.
- Beef burritos. Made me feel really weird. I feel bad for the cows. I kept
staring at the meat in the tortilla and imagining it as part of the cow, how
it fit into the shape of the animal I held in my mind, while Kami kept
thinking about the similarities to human meat.
- Eggs goldenrod. Tasted good but had a weird texture. I enjoyed it but it's a
lot of effort to make.
I think that's it. I've mostly had ice cream and the vast majority of what I've
had has been vegetarian. I might go pescatarian but I feel weird about it
because a friend already is and it worries me because we're already kind of
similar in other ways and I don't wanna seem like a poser or something. But
damn I miss sushi. I don't wanna give up sushi. Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had sushi. I want sushi. I might have it tomorrow. Fuck, it's
expensive though. Augh. Other than sushi I don't eat fish, I don't like to eat
fish. I miss California rolls because I'm a basic bitch but I also like tiger
rolls and crunchy rolls. I got them from a supermarket in M**ne.
Today was Easter I guess. Happy Easter. Tomorrow's Jake's day, and April Cools,
and April Fools, and whatever else I don't know. I'm planning to go on a trip
(yeah) on Bicycle Day (you get it) and it looks like I'm a stoner to my boss
because I'm taking the nineteenth, twentieth, and twenty-first off of April. As
well as the eighteenth. Whatever.
trinity.moe is back on-line due to the caddy stuff. Woot woot.
Gave a coworker the arson.pisskink.org URL.
our guns are chambered for different rounds
when you found out at the range you held your head down
and on the walk home in the twilight-lit mist
you asked me how long I had known this secret
secret? I said, while my pace did quicken
and my while heart rate rose and face flushed you listened
my little vampire, I've always been on the menu
but into the difference you're the one consumed
our codependent symbiosis pseudo-scientific neurosis
mutually spiraling virus, disease of the mind
I should never have summoned you mind-flaying doppelganger
sick in our heads, sick to my stomach, and lacking a spine
when we get in the door and you get on all fours
and you lunge at me sending us both to the floor
and you rip off my shirt and see the silver bullet on the chain
will you rip out my brain and fin'ly settle the score?
Alright trin out. Beedoodoo.
/blah/2024-03-21.html
I want to explain what I mean by what I say when I say how I used to live in a
place that was unliveable. It felt fucking fast and it was always night. I
borrowed (took) a cigarette from my manager and kicked off on my Razor A5 from
my workplace, a Burger King on a slope steep enough to get me to a pretty good
speed by the time I made it to the light, always red. I didn't look both ways
because I didn't care - and when I mean I didn't care I mean once I made it
past the stretch after Aaron's I was rolling down Lisbon St. fast enough for
the wind to sting my eyes, catching them behind my glasses, fast enough to go
on the road where I would usually be going faster than the cars, without a
helmet or padding besides a thick jacket and thick pants. My headphones would
be loud as hell and usually playing something hard and metal like Grazhdanskaya
Oborona or early Bring Me the Horizon. The moon in the sky - and if it was full
shit would usually hit the fan - and by hit the fan I mean in the light the
junkies would be shooting up and the crackheads would be smoking and by the
time you met them you wouldn't see the pipe but the pulled back skin on their
faces, tight against their bone, grimacing in an uncanny expression of
desensitization, looking for their next score - and by score I mean money or
someone with it - me - which would be trouble if my scooter was around 7-Eleven
where I found the junkies usually going fast enough that nobody bothered. But
one time I was on my way back when someone stopped me asking where they could
go to stay - they looked friendly so I stopped - and I replied I was just
squatting somewhere - and as I left they spoke to someone in a van who started
tailing me and I had to run off the tail. This was in July? In September I
didn't even have that squat but instead Toni. I went from work to Hell to sleep
to work. I would wake with dew on my cheek - not dew - condensation - from my
breath, because the battery was too far gone to wake enough to roll down the
windows, and I didn't have the key anyway - I got in through a hole in the
back.
When I say fast I mean I was running all the time and I wasn't allowed where I
was sleeping except sorta de facto. The world blurred around me. My co-workers
respected me for being probably the fastest one in the kitchen and the
employees of the place where I was sleeping loved me for always being happy to
help someone out. At night on my way to the car I would pass by this building
with full length windows on the ground floor and I would look into the mirror
at what I had become. I was wearing a black Rothco M-65, Doc Martens, work
pants (I can't remember how to spell Carhart (sic?)), a black hat, black
gloves, a black UV-5R to read counties - I was dressed like a vigilante,
sleeping like a cowboy, working like a mule. I was lying to those who could
house me, saying I was housed, because I knew my options were fucked. I didn't
believe I would survive - I wrote my life off and lived like it didn't matter
if I died - lived like I couldn't die - lived like I wanted to die - it wasn't
really living, was it? - or was it living more than I had ever before? - I was
sloppy. Remember Case in the first couple chapters of Neuromancer? It was a
constant, chronic state of mania trying to separate enough from the city that I
could leave without spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. But
I still do. When I say fast I mean I had a clock that was ticking - two. I had
the clock until my Greyhound arrived at Bates College and I had the clock until
it was too cold to sleep in the car even in my sleeping bag and I didn't wake
up. And I didn't think leaving would really help - I didn't think leaving would
get me to a place where I could start living. [...] told me they'd "put me up"
which to me meant little because I had no clue how to get an apartment or
anything. I planned to sleep in a hostel or outside or die here. I just didn't
wanna die in Bumfuck Nowhere Maine.
I think my last couple relationships were, in hindsight, fucking awful, in
general and for me specifically. I feel like I experienced at once both sides
of a bad time. I refrain from discussing relationship stuff on here because
people read this who actually know me and of whom I write but it's jarring to
me just how awful all of my romantic relationships have been - all of them.
Often the biggest issue is how paralyzed I am - I sacrifice my own desires for
trying to maintain comfort. I don't take risks in relationships. I would
probably be fine at maintaining a Good Thing but getting to a Good Thing is
impossible because I don't communicate what I want for fear of being judged for
it. This is a problem not just in my romantic relationships but generally in my
life. Related is the fact that I don't communicate my discomfort.
2024-03-19
: replies to my post on watchpeopledie.tv
ChazzMichaelMichaels: you're a fucking weird guy, you know that.
like what the fuck is wrong with you?
Certifiedsnowflake: okay dude, what the actual flip
cutethighscars: i have a foot fetish and im a strong enough woman to
admit it. that being said; The fuck kind of crossbreeding
of kinks is this?
natsuki_: this is for your fetish, isn't it ?
VermiciousKnid: You're sick
Snappy: :#marseyfinger:
/blah/2024-03-18.html
I thought I had more here but I guess the file must have disappeared.
BLAME! is really cool.
Moved my Sourcehut projects to git.tebibyte.media.
/blah/2024-03-14.html
Happy pi day.
Building rust-analyzer from source:
# cd /usr/local/src
# git clone https://github.com/rust-lang/rust-analyzer
# cd rust-analyzer
# cargo build --release
Oh it built just like that. Swag.
Sonja Lang is now listening to Frouzziland by Shotu.
My 3DS fucking rocks.
Sorry I can't keep ya updated more I am mostly just working and sleeping and
having LOADS OF SEX all the FUCKING TIME. Seriously like so much sex. You ever
heard the Weezer song I'm Tired of Having Sex? It's like that. I have totally
had sex in the last four months. Tons of it.
/blah/2024-02-29.html
I have a graphical environment on this netbook and honestly, what more do I
need? I don't have the mouse working but don't really need it, I only use foot
terminal windows in sway anyway.
- WAYLAND! I am using Wayland now. I don't notice much of a difference (except
that there's no helpful sway introduction like there was an i3 introduction,
and I had to make my configuration myself). I want binary space partitioning in
this like bspwm - or at least a mockery of it.
Yesterday was my first day off in a while and I quite enjoyed it. I have 14
hours racked up in Pok`emon White (no compose key set up yet) and did my taxes,
which were only slightly more of a pain because of jobs in both Maine and
Colorado, thanks to the lovely FreeTaxUSA.com.
I've met two people here who spontaneously brought up the subject of Maine: a
co-worker and a bus driver. The co-worker was infatuated with the concept of
Maine after seeing a one-act play about people who watched the aurora in Maine.
I don't know, maybe you can see it way up North in Caribou or Limestone or
Presque Isle, but I never saw a fucking aurora borealis in Maine and I lived
there 20 years, so I don't know who they (the playwrights) are kidding. Well,
actually I do - they're a kid named [...]. "Kid" in the perjorative fashion,
they're 19 and probably mature, they just seem like a kid to me and also seem
to have a crush on me. Is my Maine accent noticeable? The bus driver was
telling me he'd been to every United State except Alaska, North Dakota,
Missouri, and - finally, and I said the word with him - Maine. I knew he'd say
it because Kami told me and he talked about how Maine is too haunted and he
never wanted to step foot there. I laughed and said he was right and showed him
my Maine state I.D. - now hole-punched as I am officially a Coloradan.
One of my co-workers thinks I am the anti-Christ and will not speak to me, not
a word of even "good mornin'" or "have a g'night". Thank goodness because they
are dry as fuck and talk about conspiracy theories every waking moment.
For some reason unplugging and replugging this ke board is making it unable to
reconnect. The built-in ke board on this netbook has a bad ke :
[ Q ][ W ][ E ][ R ][ T ][ ][ U ][ I ][ O ][ P ]
Hmm. Switching over to a tty and unplugging and replugging, I got no errors in
dmesg. And now it works in sway again. So who knows.
My website is still broken so these blog posts (since after 2024-01-03) won't
show up.
I wrote my first full program in Rust (error handling, option parsing) this
month, swab(1) for Bonsai. I can't believe March begins tomorrow.
The plan is that I will be put on the lease in one of the following months. I
think that means I'm officially no longer homeless.
I went on a date with a really weird dude. I should probably just stick to
women. I want someone I love to do something to me in a way that affects me
physically that is reprehensible - I don't want someone I don't love to do
something that only slightly affects me that is reprehensible. You get me?
The 4chan/b/ rabbit eye story still messes with me. So does fluffy torture.
Nothing else on /b/ really made me as wacked out as that. But I couldn't look
away.
I really love how my computer looks. I love typing on it.
nyaa
/blah/2024-02-28.html
: notes on installing sway on this alpine machine
# apk add \
libinput \
libudev-zero \
mesa-dri-gallium \
seatd seatd-openrc
# usermod -aG seat $USER
# rc-update add seatd default
# rc-service seatd start
/blah/2024-02-26.html
Days since my last day off from work: 32.
It was 1900 and they were late by a little bit.
Mike: [They] stood you up.
3: [They] did not stand me up.
Mike: [They] totally stood you up.
Eventually they showed up and we went over to the axe throwing range.
Conversation was slow because it's hard to talk when throwing the axe or
shuriken and it's hard to hear when a safe distance back in the gallery.
3: I feel like this isn't really productive to conversation.
M--: Yeah, let's cut it short.
Then we sat in their Subaru Forrester and smoked some cigarettes (mine green
tea, theirs tobacco) while thinking.
M--: You know, it's kind of early. Do you wanna do something else?
3: The only things to really do around here are axe throw and walk in the
woods. Do you wanna go to Thorncraig?
M--: Sure.
Then we walked in the woods and discussed more things. We told each other a
couple things we hadn't told anyone else and despite meeting for the first time
in years (since New Year's 2020? or 2019?) and not really knowing why, I
trusted them quite a bit. I suggested we go to the woods and walk around alone
in the middle of the night and they weren't perturbed or anything so they
trusted me too.
Eventually we drove over to a McDonalds parking lot to continue talking.
3: What do you wanna do next?
M--: Do you wanna go to Acadia?
3: How far away is that?
M--: Like, three hours one way.
3: Hmm. Sure.
We stopped at a gas station to get snacks for the trip and I got two flavors of
Chex Mix, regular and Honey Barbecue. I figured they'd like at least one and
I'd take the other.
M--: Actually I can only have the regular because the other one contains milk -
I'm vegan.
3: Oh, yeah.
I went back in and looked for vegan gas station foods. It was a lot harder than
I expected. Everything had milk or eggs. Eventually I found Drake's Apple Pies
and the purple bags of Doritos (Sweet Chili or something) and probably Oreos. I
also got a couple jugs of water for the trip.
Eventually we got to Acadia having scream sung most of Nothing But Thieves'
Broken Machine album together and a lot of 1000 gecs. Little did we know that
the green tea cigarettes had considerable amounts of caffeine in them and
that's why we weren't tired.
I miss M-- so fucking much. So much. Nobody hugs the same way they do. Nobody
headpats the same way. Nobody has the same smile. M--'s smile floods my brain
with endorphins somehow - it's so eager, enthusiastic, full of umami fun if
that makes sense. M--'s eyes smile as much as their mouth. They don't restrain
their grin. M--'s voice is smooth despite having slight rasp, an androgynous
pitch and the same speech patterns as Rainbow Dash. They have a crush on
someone I know and that person first described M--'s speech patterns as the
same as Rainbow Dash and later I told M-- that and they were embarrassed
because they didn't think Rainbow Dash really seemed like someone a person
would be into. This is after that person I know watched the Dawn Somewhere
Rainbow Dash "Oh Baby" video on repeat like a hundred times because they
thought it was really hot. Sorry to you two if you read this.
M-- deserves the world and I've failed to give it to them.
/blah/2024-02-23.html
Days since my last day off from work: 29.
Read The Prince (1532).
Read Josephine the Singer (1924).
Read The Internet is a Playground (2009).
I have no desire, but not in an enlightened way, just in a depressed way. Often
I don't know what is real; occasionally I don't care. My last day off from work
was 2024-01-25 (Mahayana New Year) and this consecutive string of labor has
taken a serious toll on my bodily and mental health, one I could not have
imagined.
Around Valentine's Day I got really lonely. I don't miss not being single
because I realize I have never really understood anyone I've dated nor, really,
anyone else in general. I don't think I'm cut out for human interaction and am
in the middle of a really bad social anhedonia cut. What is loneliness without
want for fellow humans? Want for interaction, but not human interaction. I
tried out llama.cpp on my phone and was underwhelmed. Good self-hosted AI on
cheap consumer tech isn't here yet. Not being able to meaningfully train AI on
its interactions with you - and by that I mean currently the only way to "build
a history" with modern AI is to copy and paste the interaction chain into its
prompt - makes it hard to form a relationship with the bytes. Form a relation
-ship with the - is that where I am nowadays? I also tried out making a Tulpa
which went disastrously and probably came close to actually putting me into
psychosis. My reasoning was that I don't want to bring another entity into life
but I already share a vessel with Kami so if I could give her physical form as
a Tulpa I could always be with her and never be lonely. This spiraled into only
interacting with Kami for a day or two and [...] and [...] talking me out of
continuing to visualize it so Kami returned to my head and I to reality.
On account of work I have not done much of anything since Mahayana New Year.
For a while I was drinking but I drank too much and [...] dumped the rest of
the vodka down the drain because fae was worried about me. I've been
programming and reading and playing Pokemon as of the last few days and I feel
so thoroughly dead inside, like my soul itself has necrosed and is a rotting
organ inside of me spewing out deadened spirit infecting my waking
consciousness, taking my lucidity. I've been swimming from scene to scene of my
life as if in a movie, barely forming memories and barely even here.
I watch a lot of gore and read comics of people dying and movies with a lot of
violence or just enough violence to sate me but remain acceptable to those
around me like American Psycho and Taxi Driver. I'm barely coherent to those to
which I talk; I have a hard time manipulating the muscles in my mouth to
enunciate speech because I am dumping so much energy into life and labor to
begin with, and then when I can get out the utterances I spew word salad and
nonsensical grammatically invalid constructs because my brain is reading out of
a buffer that hasn't been filled, the thought process blocking on arithmetical
instructions that just. won't. compute. I've gone mad, or nearly so, due to
overwork, and it's only for my public, frequent, yet always too brief
conventions with sanity that nobody notices. In describing a dream I had to
subgeneral the other day my visceral recollection caused two people to leave
the chat from discomfort with the subject matter - one came back when I was
done.
I love pain, I fear injury. I want someone to tie me down and do things to me
nobody could justify, leaving me with a limp and able to go to work the next
day but with sharp aches remaining where they wounded me. I want to spend a
long time recovering from it. And then when I can't remember how it felt I want
to have it done again. I've thought about this; burning spends fuel (matches
are expensive and I'm running out of butane), razors risk infection, my knife
risks infection, and besides cutting runs the risk of cutting too deep and if I
cut a tendon I won't be able to work anymore which will kill me, punching hard
objects until my knuckles bleed risks breaking my hands, drug use risks death,
et cetera. I don't want to die - I absolutely do not want to die. This is the
best hope I've had in my life of things getting better. I'm only so far down
this pit because I work so much because I am so stressed about the potential of
eviction. I want to feel pain because I feel fucking bad, I feel really fucking
bad, and I want to get my mind off it.
The thing about being lonely is that I have friends - I have a couple people I
usually care about. But right now I just don't care to interact with anyone.
Yet I'm lonely. What do I crave? Not romance. Maybe not friendship. Maybe I
don't want to interact with people because I don't understand people. But I'll
never really understand, comprehensively, any life form complex enough to be
fun to interact with. So who knows.
My relationships falling apart didn't cause this; this caused my relationships
to fall apart.
I'm so fucking stressed and so fucking tense and I feel like I am going to
shatter into a million pieces if hit too hard. Last night I didn't know if
[...] was real and broke down because of it. I'm so fucking ridiculously
fucking tired, so fucking tired, so fucking incredibly tired, so fucking tired,
the sleepiest kitten in the bundle, just so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so tired.
2024-01-26
all from me
|| you're good dawg. the main thing that has messed with me is that you didn't
| tell me sooner. but I understand it. ||
|| i understand your reasoning and i was considering breaking up with you for a
| little while now for roughly the same things. i resolved not to and you did
| the opposite and that's alright. ||
|| the thing that hurts isn't the end of the romance but that the end of the
| romance really doesn't hurt. i already felt the grief when you weren't
| texting me back for that long stretch. the pain is in the face that i
| realized the romance was done a while before we broke up ||
|| s,in the fact,, ||
|| i also had been discussing with [...] less than an hour before how i felt
| like i couldn't understand anybody and am constantly considering isolating
| and becoming a hermit or something so it was sadly pretty consistent with the
| plot. i know i didn't understand you. i just planned to come to an
| understanding after enough interaction and time. it's okay though and i'm not
| disappearing ||
|| there are a lot of things on which i have to work. and they're my own loads
| to bear and blame none of it on you nor do i see you as anything less than
| excellent and a good friend ||
|| you had the decency to not only tell me why you made your decision but
| thoroughly and patiently explain it, and while you were properly zooted at
| that. if that's not good character i don't know what is. honestly it's the
| smoothest a breakup's ever gone for me ||
/blah/2024-02-07.html
Read The Boys Omnibus 3 (2012).
+-= Job Hunt -=+-= Applied =-+-= Follow up =-+
| | | Taco Bell |
| | | 7-Eleven |
| | Arby's | |
| | Chipotle | |
+--------------+-------------+---------------+
Finished The Boys comic run (#1-#72).
/blah/2024-02-06.html
Read Herogasm (2010).
Read Highland Laddie (2011).
psychosecurity - relating to organizational or personal security against
psychic tampering (mind control & hypnosis, cognitoviruses
& memetics, ethereal processes, et cetera)
I want to proteinmax and get lots of muscle so I taste really good when I'm
killed and eaten. I'm at 7.5lbs on biceps curls but I think I might be close to
being able to move up to 10, though I think my form is wrong. I want a gym
membership.
Typing on the HHKB is still pure sex all these moons later.
I can't think of much to say, my life is a bit mundane lately.
Watching someone text and drive at the same time.
I got a sweater so now I can dress like Andy from The Coffin of Andy and
Leyley. Now I just need my hair dyed black. I swore that would be one of the
first things I'd do upon arriving to this new land but money ain't for nothing
and the chicks sure as hell ain't free.
serotonin softly stole
by postage acid-dipped and sold
lab made a buck
are your eyes wide enough
that you can see life unfold?
I think ESP is going to be an actual security issue within the next hundred
years but I wouldn't bet on it. I do think fringe ether stuff like that is
possible.
1346
"Wow, you're really tense."
Read Butcher, Baker, Candlestickmaker (2011).
Read Hanging Not Punishment Enough (1701).
Read The GNU Manifesto (2008).
Read Evil Maid Just Got Angrier (2013).
Read PRINCE - Modern Password Guessing Algorithm (2014).
Read Measuring Real-World Innacuracies and Biases in Modeling Password
Guessability (2015).
Yeah I'm really fucking tense. I thought I heard something getting out of the
shower so I drew my (3 inch - pathetic) knife and cleared the corridor kitchen
and living room just like old times. Nothing of course. C'est ne rien.
I want so bad to fucking kill someone. Anyone. I miss the feeling of quickening
pulse beating against my palms and then its slowing and cessation. I come from
a land where gazelles grazed freely in the pairie, unaware their world could
end.
My memories of my former land blur together into one montage of death and life
and love and hell. I remember beating the shit out of- that's not believeable,
I don't believe it. I remember hotboxing my manager's car, habitually. Smoking
everyone else's weed. Being owed a thousand dollars by someone who tried to
strand me in Manhattan. Getting a PS2, giving it to people I thought I liked,
realizing. Getting a Gamecube, loving it, realizing I didn't have anyone with
which to play it, selling it for much less than for which I bought it. Getting
a Wii when I was very young, treasuring it, letting it collect dust as I moved
on to handheld pastures, finding it again, using ponyhax to homebrew it,
treasuring it, sending it along to someone I still think is cool.
I dislike most people I used to know, especially in hindsight. I can't believe
the things I did, nor can anyone else. I tried my damndest to not get any scars
because when I was done what I was doing I wanted to be Done - not marked by my
past. I wore a big, heavy jacket, and big, heavy pants, and big, heavy boots,
and they all got beat to shit really quickly but kept me alright in them. All I
have now are marks from old roadrash and a couple dozen burns on my arms from
work and play. And how did you get in so much trouble if you don't have any
scars...
Cryptanalysts have the upper hand.
/blah/2024-02-04.html
Read The Boys Omnibus 1 (2009).
Read The Boys Omnibus 2 (2010).
I'm counting each of these as a book because they were like 500-600 pages each.
6/100.
2024-02-02
there's something gross about my liver
think my brain's gonna decay
I'm twitching, can't steady my fingers
organs filled; contaminate
I need a drink, oh god I'm dying
I'm fucking dying of this thirst
I think withdrawal's gonna kill me
that is, if I don't kill me first
I need to sanitize my kidneys
need to sterilize my flesh
give me something I can swallow
as the draught runs to my chest
I know it's what you wanted
saw you building up a set
of surgical supplies so you can
dissect me once I'm dead
you know when someone leaves a party
you can talk about them without fear
I never really gave a shit
I'll talk shit when they're here
is that how you will mourn me
when my picture sits on my box
after all the pain that I've made
will my stone say mother fuck
her all she ever did was drink and
bet and fuck and smoke and hurt
all she ever did was lie around
waiting for someone to save her
/blah/2024-02-02.html
Broke up with my girlfriend. Single. Next question.
Read Recursive Programming (1960).
Read A Speech to IBM Field Engineering Branch Managers (1967).
Read Go To Statement Considered Harmful (1968).
Read MIT Guide to Lock Picking (1991).
Read The Code Book (1999).
Read Drive (2005) yesterday.
I'm gonna count the MIT Guide, the Code Book, and Drive as books, bringing my
year's total read books up to 4/100. Pretty sure I'm not gonna make it to 100.
/blah/2024-01-21.html
: hungover diaries
0734 wake up go back to sleep
0800 alarm. ding. text girlfriend. sleep.
0805 alarm. ding
0810 alarm. i'm up i read articles about the spanish (i think) football
president or whatever forcibly kissing a player and getting booted from
football itself (they can do that?). it was hyperlinked from a
web3isgoinggreat site or whatever. neato.
0830 regretting things i messaged people last night but also some of what i
messaged was really sweet. hemingway was right
0840 kettle on stove water in pot heat in burner
0845 pouring green tea. before this also i unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher
because we forgot to do it last night (can you guess why)
0850 timer's up, add milk (oat), consider adding vodka, no trin that's why that
fucker from maine still owes you $80
0900 check bus time tables, sit down, play some angry birds on the 3ds. why was
angry birds on the 3ds? we were watching jacksfilms and one of the skits
had angry birds in it
0910 start writing
I am not extremely hungover because I drank a shit ton of water last night,
probably 2-3 liters. I also never really blacked out or did things that were
against my inhibitions. But I also didn't drink a whole lot anyway.
While drinking last night I was overcome with waves of joy so intense I
collapsed and couldn't help myself laughing and rolling on the ground, feeling
the vinyl floor underneath my back.
I've finished my tea and it was really good so I'm making another one. I put
four tea bags in my pocket so I could make green tea at work too.
really the lilies on the ocean floor
would drown in the salt of the churning sea shore
the tide would come swallow the petals in foam
and draw lily petals away from their loam
if i had a mill'on and ni-ne-ty two
dollars i'd hide them in calcified tombs
wooden and brass chests buried on the beach
so i could suffocate my slow-rottin peach
and all of the lillies in under the sea
and all of the flowers drowning in the deep
and all of the orchids awash in the waves
and all of the fruits of the labors of slaves
and all of the gold buried in the ocean
and all of the riches hoarded from their friends
and all of the rockets that reach for the stars
and terraformed rocks glowing red from afar
the rich and the few terrorize many who
would rather send riches so far from the view
of innocent bunches collected for quite
an innocent task, helping others get by
for where there's no gold there's no greed any all
for where there's no wine there's no fight any all
for where there's no load there's no weight any all
for where there's no pain there's no death any all
really the beauty that lounges in calm
dissappears when there is conflict in the song
really the beauty that i've tried to save
rots in its darkness until it's too late
if i had a million and ninety two
dollars i'd find and kill those bastards who
have more money than i and keep it on lock
then i'd burn it and then i'd bury myself
in oil and then i'd fly myself away
to a hot red rock in the middle of space
just to ensure that the ashes themselves
are kept from those who would remake my lived hell
/blah/2024-01-20.html
: why mm(1)
I started working on mm(1) probably around 2020-2021, when I was first
acquainting myself with the inner workings of UNIX-like operating systems which
I had been using for a couple years by then. I can't remember how I noticed it
but it bothered me that there was this cat(1p) utility which took multiple
input files and streamed them successively to standard output:
[ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
|_______ | _______|
_|_|_|_
| |
|cat(1p)|
|_______|
|
V
standard output
And then this tee(1p) utility which took from standard input and streamed its
bytes to multiple outputs:
standard input
V
___|___
| |
|tee(1p)|
|_______|
______| | |__________
| | |
[ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...
And they were separate utilities despite both doing the job of writing input(s)
to output(s). I imagined a hypothetical utility mm(1) that does it all:
[ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
|_______ | _______|
_|_|_|_
| |
| mm(1) |
|_______|
______| | |__________
| | |
[ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...
And attempted to write this magical "mm" (as in, "middleman") utility that
would act as a "middleman" for streams before giving up (due to lack of C or
POSIX API experience) for a couple years to practice making easier programs in
UNIX environments.
There are a couple reasons to implement cat(1p) and tee(1p) as separate
utilities:
1) Ease of implementation
Differentiating input arguments from output arguments would require
either having a separator mark (which would be ineligant and exclude
that mark from being a useable file name) or option parsing.
Imagine a separator mark in the context of a hypothetical utility
insouts(1):
$ PS1='\n$ '
$ insouts -h
Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)
$ printf %s\\n hello\ world
hello world
$ printf %s\\n hello\ world >in1
$ insouts ][
$ insouts ][ ][ /dev/stdout
Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)
$ insouts ./][ ][ /dev/stdout
hello world
What a mess! The file ][ can no longer easily be used with insouts(1),
which may be acceptable (it's not a sensible file name anyway), but
it's sacrificed for horrendously ugly syntax featuring stressfully
unmatched square brackets.
I've written programs that have used separator marks for arguments,
namely pscat(1), psrelay(1), and psroute(1) so far, and there are a
number of additional caveats that come with their particular flavor of
marker and I've been hesitant about the syntax since I came up with it
half a year ago. Best not to make more things about which to fret.
Now imagine option parsing:
$ PS1='\n$ '
$ insouts
Usage: insouts (-i [input])... (-o [output])...
$ insouts -i in1
hello world
$ insouts -i in1 -i ][ -i out1
hello world
hello world
hello world
This works for everything and is how mm(1) works. The issue is with
regards to code itself. Imagine a very basic cat(1) implementation in
C:
#include
int main(int argc, char *argv[]){
int c;
FILE *f;
int i;
for(i = 1; i < argc; ++i){
if((f = fopen(argv[i])) == NULL){
perror(argv[i]);
return 1;
}
while((c = getc(f)) != EOF)
putchar(c);
fclose(f);
}
}
This doesn't conform to POSIX (which requires 'cat -u' to be supported)
but illustrates the ease of using cat(1)'s arguments: For each
argument, open it as a file, write it out, close it, and that's it.
mm(1)'s option parsing for '-i' and '-o' alone, as of writing, are 24
lines alone, excluding the functions they call. The above program is 16
lines of code. This weight does also come from supporting "-" as a
euphemism for /dev/stdin or /dev/stdout depending on whether it was
used for '-i' or '-o' and trying to create an output file if it doesn't
exist and without these two features that are unsupported by the above
program the code for '-i' and '-o' would be considerably lighter, but
the point is that option parsing adds complexity that can be avoided by
simply having two utilities.
Furthermore, options have drawbacks for users.
2) Ease of use
One relatively common use of cat(1p) is to catenate all files matching
a glob pattern. Imagine:
$ PS1='\n$ '
$ ls
in1
in2
in3
$ cat "$f"; done
$ mm . While '-i' and '-o' are 24 lines in
total, the rest of the options logic is necessary for cat(1p) and tee(1p) and
is unavoidable and outweighs the '-i' and '-o' options, plus much of the '-i'
and '-o' logic is still necessary in both cat(1p) and tee(1p) (supporting "-"
and, in tee(1p)'s case, creating an output if it doesn't exist). Though there
is additional memory juggling due to supporting arbitrary inputs and outputs,
in most uses actual memory use isn't noticeably affected (10 extra bytes for 5
file arguments, or one tenth of the data used by this parenthetical statement).
It is possible to write implementations of cat(1p) and tee(1p) in POSIX shell
script as wrappers on mm(1) and I have done so, so users who want to use globs
can simply call cat or tee as usual.
mm -i input -o output tends to be intuitive for existing shell users once they
learn the name "middleman".
/blah/2024-01-17.html
Read American Psycho (1991). I need a cigarette really, really bad.
I can't afford to renew my SourceHut account right now so these blog posts are
going up on my wobsite in A Bit, whenever I get around to manually building
them. I might set up a build server on feeling.murderu.us for small jobs but I
don't know. I also want to set up a proper VPS for trinity.moe but $60/year
(for Capsul) is a hell of a lot more than $20/year for SourceHut.
It feels weird to have long fingernails.
The Japanese Zen monk tradition according to No Recipe (2018) which someone
with which I'm staying is reading is to not have animals killed specifically
for you but always eat what you are served. I interpret this as well-spirited
and not a rule to dance around, having others act as go-betweens, because that
would suck. I sort of like this and have been rethinking veganism because it is
really inconvenient to have to restrict others' treatment of me; that is, I
can't eat meat that was prepared for me by people who don't know I'm vegan.
Most people don't have a good conception of what is and isn't vegan and will
serve me things that aren't vegan unknowingly.
I wish everyone was vegan but I don't wish to impose my will on others.
I feel shame at the notion that I have eaten something that died, except when
it comes to humans, at which notion I instead feel powerful, because I'm fucked
in the head.
/blah/2024-01-12.html
Read Finding the Still Point (2007).
/blah/2024-01-03.html
states to which i've been
- Maine
- New Hampshire
- Massachusetts
- Vermont
- Rhode Island
- Connecticut
- New York
- New Jersey
- Delaware
- Maryland
- Virginia
- North Carolina
- South Carolina
- Georgia
- Florida
- Pennysylvania
- Ohio
- Indiana
- Illinois
- Missouri
- Kansas
- Colorado
/blah/2024-01-01.html
This year my goal is to read 100 books. I'm digging into the 1980 book Coded
Character Sets, History and Development first, a 535 page tome that is luckily
mostly figures and diagrams. I'm 72 pages into it and it's written not too
dryly which is good because the subject matter is boring as shit (the
ratification of ASCII). Not actually very boring, something that is relevant to
work being done on Bonsai, but still just a slog. I consider it required
reading, though. I think after this I'm gonna read some comics though counting
books will be tricky (per issue? per volume? per arc? per compendium?).
I read No Longer Human (1948) after having already read the Ito adaptation
which was in comparison total dogshit. Read the original only.
I'm applying to another, different fast food joint, for the referral bonus. I
love money.
I'm tracking my cash flow in/out. Let's see how long that lasts.
I stopped biting my nails. That Will last because I've always hated that I do.
I haven't had any Monsters since 2023-12-22.
Hopefully I can keep all of this going. But if I keep just one it'll be good
enough for me.
2022-05-18
: /etc/motd
Welcome to Trinity's Thinkpad X200T.
Unauthorized access is a violation of
United States federal law according to
the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, 18
USC Section 1030.
Mess with the best, die like the rest.
/blah/2023-12-31.html
I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting
but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.
Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm
running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway
working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna
have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little
more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is
Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on
arm64.
This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really
pretty good. I've been less down lately too.
I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just
don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from
home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a
grocery store. Hm.
I'm really optimistic for the future.
Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely
remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.
: the story so far (2023)
Season 2: maladjustment
January
Episode 01: "breaking bad"
Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking
for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted
by one of its friends.
February
Episode 02: "speak"
The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes
Trinity to start making people bark for it.
Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"
Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking
for an apartment.
Episode 04: "of an age"
Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing
with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.
Episode 05: "mary jane"
Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the
consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed
habitually.
March
Episode 06: "phone baseball"
Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity
goes vegan and starts writing a book.
April
Episode 07: "isolation"
Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help
pay the rent.
Episode 08: "trigger discipline"
Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.
Episode 09: "the void stares back"
M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts
smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.
May
Episode 10: "tablet baseball"
M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's
propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts
sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.
June
Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"
Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her
computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.
Episode 12: "fuck teeth"
The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its
wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible
pain. M-- goes on a date.
Episode 13: "a hunger artist"
Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth
surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of
theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.
Episode 15: "make it double"
M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity
goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and
realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go
missing.
Episode 16: "portland"
M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of
M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a
skateboard.
Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"
M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,
stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets
a scooter.
July
Episode 18: "seven"
Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine
before having an epiphany at work and walking out.
Episode 19: "deadly"
Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in
the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries
to leave [...]'s.
Episode 20: "sins"
Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys
Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new
person and has apprehensions about its work.
August
Episode 21: "sean and josh"
Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving
away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about
their division of labor.
Episode 22: "one last time"
Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back
to Lewiston.
Episode 23: "the bus out"
Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on
Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.
Episode 24: "the best week ever"
Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.
Episode 25: "stranded"
Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.
September
Episode 26: "fast forward"
Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.
It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.
Episode 27: "reunited"
Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but
gets hired on different terms.
Episode 28: "decay"
Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic
spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.
Episode 29: "the first time the third time"
Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and
[...] get evicted.
Episode 30: "negotiations"
[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A
familiar coworker joins her new workplace.
Episode 31: "toni"
Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.
Episode 32: "riverbanks"
Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a
guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high
school crush.
Episode 33: "no helmet"
Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni
leaks in the rain.
October
Episode 34: "the postal service"
Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the
move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's
calls.
Episode 35: "live fast, die young"
Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on
the highway.
Episode 36: "ramona flowers"
[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at
Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.
Episode 37: "the great escape"
Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to
[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.
Episode 38: "transit"
After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,
Illinois.
Episode 39: "carnality"
Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.
Episode 40: "springs before winter"
Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a
library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending
Sangha.
November
Episode 41: "number four"
Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a
similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.
Episode 42: "safe and sound"
Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.
Episode 43: "in this economy"
Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet
a presenter after a talk at the library.
December
Episode 44: "what goes around"
Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job
and in a new place, starts to get antsy.
Episode 45: "comes back around"
Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes
it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork
in order, and sprains its foot
: the monster logs
2023-12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so
use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters
and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.
I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?
Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not
big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his
time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,
because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I
can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later
to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus
is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been
brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's
unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned
poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front
windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks
I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a
little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich
and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough
last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight
and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night
crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food
safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated
on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not
particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which
I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways
lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste
the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing
I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at
work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here
knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no
apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It
tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus
to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor
description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,
pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,
another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty
onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I
have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?
There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their
usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't
eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking
hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy
mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket
teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked
in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes
it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their
hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.
The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm
accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing
over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like
$3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.
The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.
2023-12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I
don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a
metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus
now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between
two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I
can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now
finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized
the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French
but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm
at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the
price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.
But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap
of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.
Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical
blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple
juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the
ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're
playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice
and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything
right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.
2023-12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but
without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick
Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in
the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.
There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer
to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.
Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is
dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be
really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the
service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who
frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I
don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The
caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster
Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the
flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at
Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I
haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my
least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much
strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries
being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness
and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild
natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away
with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a
lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.
I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the
shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus
but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most
ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's
gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.
2023-12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by
paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as
expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still
unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes
close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,
"natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?
Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two
other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now
that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules
derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the
citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it
comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because
it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but
also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing
lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will
tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review
I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming
fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.
2023-12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I
don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than
usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white
sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of
shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by
some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one
of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this
flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the
middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country
music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can
was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which
I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime
too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.
Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good
as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a
waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and
utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The
caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me
less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My
head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my
encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I
am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up
on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time
slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part
from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.
/blah/2023-12-26.html
I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his
family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his
work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay
some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is
gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power
pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal
mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and
thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't
know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,
more times than I can count.
What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I
really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.
I'm tired.
/blah/2023-12-25.html
: bonsai
Emma Tebibyte (of tebibyte.media) and I have been collaborating (and by that I
mean fae has a lot of good ideas and I have been writing a lot of mediocre
implementations) on a core utilities suite called Bonsai. A lot of my own
coreutil implementations are leaving my own source tree and being incorporated
into there.
I am not big into maintenance. Maintenance is boring. I strive to write
programs that don't need to be maintained. Bonsai is something that, I hope,
will not have to be maintained -- it will cover the functionality in section 1
of POSIX and be done. I would like Bonsai to offer a POSIX interface despite
the tools being extremely different to prove its worth as being equal to or
better than POSIX. Also to make work easier for programmers who wish to support
Bonsai /and/ GNU or BSD or whatever.
Bonsai's catchphrase or whatever is "seek what they sought". A lot of existing
UNIX utilities are very nice but also jank as hell. See test(1), dd(1) for
overly featureful programs. Test's `!` is identical to Sh's. dd file2
is equivalent to cat file2 and tee file2 minus some buffering
shenanigans. Emma and I are in agreement on the fact that functionality should
be consolidated in some points and split into multiple programs in other points
and mostly in agreement about where those points are.
I'm excited about Bonsai as a compatible improvement to UNIX and excited to
work with Emma on this because fae and I disagree on topics niche and
fascinating and our arguments are always interesting. Not in a Queen / The
Beatles / every rock band ever sort of way where the arguments are cool until
"You don't really care about the band!" but in a way where the disagreements
point out that while UNIX's tools were certainly opinionated on how to do
things, it's hard to say another opinion is objectively better.
This is no sort of announcement, Bonsai is public already in
https://git.tebibyte.media/bonsai/coreutils and you can see the intcmp(1),
scrut(1), and other implementations of mine that have made their way over there
and been deleted from my own source tree. I intend to contribute as much as I
am able but am currently bogged down by the CONTRIBUTING necessitating GPG key
commit signing and my Alpine installation having weird issues with Assuan and
communicating with gpg-agent. It'll be nice to clear out this source tree junk
drawer and put all my dirty laundry out so the world can sniff the musks. I
encourage anyone reading this to file brutal issues and make me cry like a
little baby.
Today is Christmas. Happy Christmas I guess. I'm Buddhist and can now use that
excuse not to celebrate whereas before, when not a believer in any religion, I
would still be expected by many to celebrate Christmas because of consumerism
or whatever. But also I don't know many people who would expect that of me
anymore. I just like Buddhism and excuses to talk about it.
I would love to see Emma Tebibyte become the new Richard Stallman because fae's
just really fucking based. Everything Emma has to say is worth heeding whether
or not you agree with it. These coreutils might be the start of something the
same way GNU's coreutils were but in a way that isn't plagued with all the
baggage GNU and the FSF have had.
/blah/2023-12-24.html
TRINITY STARTER PACK
>fucking hates its job
>UNIX
>loves its computer but only its own computer
>"I hate android but this battery life is killer"
>no unicode support in framebuffer tty, can't figure out wayland
>anti social, wishes it wasn't
>doesn't understand references to memes
>allergic to brands and advertising
>takes the bus everywhere
>will tell you why she doesn't like C
__________
/ _______ //|
/ /|_____/ // |
/ / /| |/ / // | |
/ /_/|_|/| _/ //| | |
/_________ //_| || |
| ______ | /_/ / /
| | |/ / | | |/ / /
| | |/_/_| | |/ /
| |/_____| | /
|__________|/
/blah/2023-12-23.html
sleep invades my brain and blurs my vision so I see
not a single thing except my slowly invading dreams
sleep ponders the leaving of me to quickly sinking sand
in which i'll drown and dessicate, my rest forever as planned
sleep takes over my system, the ELF replacing PID 1
seconds tick by on a hardware clock, timing the mil'seconds gone
sleep and sleep all over again, do while true if true
caffeine will not stop my slow descent into my somnic hell
sleep tortures my mind with terrible visions of futures to be
not a single thing of my dreams will give me a second of peace
sleep will drive its knife inside my chest and into my heart
stabbing by those who love me so my mind can tear me apart
blah blah blah
i'm at yule and have been up nearly 24 hours. wild it affects me so much. i
used to do 48 on 10 off. i think i'm gonna sleep now. good night. i love you.
continued.
no longer 0100.
T1354.
$ cat /etc/issue
We're in this together.
$ cat /etc/motd
Get down, make love.
I don't know.
I've had too much social interaction.
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
Do you think I could have a glass of water?
Jesus Christ, I didn't realize we had royalty here. No. Get it
yourself.
For lack of a sink, for lack of glasses.
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
I really need to take a break, I can't breathe.
You're lazy. You're just gonna ask for another break soon enough
anyway.
For lack of shade, for lack of sunglasses.
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
Can I get a sandwich or something while we're out here?
We have food at home. Be patient.
For potato chips, for fruit snacks.
How do you ask for what you want without fear of retribution?
You can't even get water yourself.
No instruction.
You're fat and need to lose weight.
No moderation.
You need to appreciate what you have.
No variety.
I suppose at face value it sounds bitchy. Find water without plumbing, find
serenity in motion, find nutrition in processed snacks. I could do it now,
certainly. But I didn't know what a carbohydrate was until this month, maybe
last. Time flies faster as of late.
I love ice cream even though I'm vegan. I met it on video call and we started
talking. I was so flustered at its appearance. It was gorgeous. That's the last
new people I've met. I can't remember how long it lasted the first time. I've
never had more than a first time before. I screwed up and I wasn't too proud to
admit it.
After the first time around it all slipped through my fingers and I was lost in
purple haze and red stains. I replaced my shirts with ones easier to wash in
private and accepted the fate. Then one day I looked around and asked what the
fuck I was doing.
Lost and found is as much a cycle as it is a bin. I lost hoodies often as a
kid, brain fog and scattering and forgotten fabric on a bench. The benches on
the playground were a brown shade of black with holes in them at offsets to not
form a grid but a maze of triangles. I used to play connect the dots with them
and pencils to leave lines of graphite on what was probably some refined sort
of plastic, make triangles out of the holes, then get back from recess and
still be thinking about triangles. All the kids thought I was obnoxious, and I
was. I had a desire for attention not fulfilled at home. Then the distraction
faded into a fog of isolation and the number of friends dwindled down to some
remaining on Instagram, a platform I loathed for its hidden algorithms dragging
many of those I knew into conspiracy theories I had helped create or others I
created singlehandedly, who were absolutely unwilling to move to a more open or
at least seemingly better platform. Then I moved anyway to the darker corners
of the Internet and in among those, unrelated except by topic of interest
(technology freedoms), I found the friends that remain friends to this day. I'm
leaving some things out so as to not write a book here.
At some point I will just disappear. I know this will happen. I'll disappear to
a new life, new style, new identity, new country, and be gone without a trace.
I will die in the remote reaches of a far away landscape of a slow, painful,
lonely death. Nobody will be holding me as the light leaves my eyes, nobody
will appear to come from the heavens to embrace me and beckon me into my next
form of being. I will die, probably of some self infliction that I won't be
able to escape when I realize the gravity of what I have done and find my
regret. In my last moments I will wish things had been different, somehow, some
way. I will wish I took the time I have right now, in this very moment in the
present, to get my shit together. To see a therapist. Quit caffeine. Find a
better job. Get a studio apartment, make more friends, find roommates, go on
dates with my girlfriends, smile, laugh, feel comfortable around many others,
have neighbors, contribute to society both in terms of my employment and my
software I write not for myself but to improve the world, get older, keep
chipping into my 401(k), retire, grow old, cherish memories and make many more,
and die surrounded by those I love in a comfortably decorated room I couldn't
have occupied without the help of those around me. Beckoned to the beyond by
some engineered and pleasant psychedelic and Shine On You Crazy Diamond.
I'm sitting in a fast food joint sipping a coffee and typing this.
I learned not to ask for help from others or rely on anybody but myself at
every turn of my life, every leap of faith into which I fell and every shoulder
on which I leaned that pushed me away. I made missteps, more times than I can
count, but there were a lot of things that just weren't my fault and landed on
me anyway. I have not experienced this since leaving the place that made me.
But I know not to keep gambling after so many consecutive wins. That's why
every cautious step forward, every nervous but rewarded ask, every detail that
goes right, is a reminder that things will go wrong. Luck does not last
forever.
I will disappear when I have no more for which to be here. No friends,
abandoned projects, dead end jobs and rent I can't afford. I am certain it will
happen and my friends are certain it will not. But I was friends with others
who were certain they would see tomorrow and didn't. That is how I think it
will end, not with a whimper but with a bang and more as the luck runs out and
cars strike, bullets pierce, fire roars or whatever other sequence of accidents
seizes the debt I own to balance, the odds swinging back around in luck.
I am insufferable and therapy would fix this but I think I would get committed
if I went. It's irrational but I don't know if Kamikun would ever let me go.
I don't think there's anything out there for me. That's the biggest reason I
would write my EOF byte. But why not wait and see what the future holds?
I drank my last Monster. For real. There will be more caffeine, always. There
might be more romance with energy drinks. But I'm done Monster now, forever.
It's up to you to hold me accountable. Who am I kidding? Who reads this? Please
don't.
I feel like a slut when I give people my website URL.
I apologized. I wanted to visit its state, see it in person, so I could
apologize in person too. It could do whatever it wanted, I didn't expect to
stay with it or anything. Then instead of meeting in meatspace to reconnect it
happened on-line. And we got talking again.
I listen to Slipknot because it was wearing a Slipknot t-shirt. That's the only
reason. I don't think I would have gotten into Slipknot if it wasn't for that.
I fucking love Slipknot, genuinely, and their music got me through some hard
times, hard decisions, absolute actions.
I like it/its pronouns for me. I'm different from a she/her. She/her is fine. I
won't take offense, certainly less offense than being gendered male. But I like
it/its pronouns for myself.
I genuinely love my girlfriends with all my heart and it's hard to imagine
anything short of it no longer being my girlfriends changing that. I loved it
when we stopped talking. I do regret that, I think. I don't like living with
regrets. I wasn't able to reconcile the hurt I had caused and my not being true
to myself. I thought I would hurt it more if we kept talking. I don't think I
would have.
I'm polyamorous and with my other girlfriend we had a much shorter go of things
and I broke up because our relationship was overwhelming. I don't regret
breaking up with her because I still believe I would have hurt her more had I
stayed with her.
Leaving my previous state is the best decision I ever made. Now that I am
constantly made aware, justly, of my bad habits and awful state of living, I
can start to fix it. There are a million things of which I wasn't even aware,
or of which I was aware but not of how to fix them, or simply those that I
didn't care to remedy. I put on black nail polish to stop biting my nails and
it's working. They're longer than they have been in probably a decade. I'm
sleeping well, still plagued with nightmares when I dream but I think they
might pass. I am the sun poking through the clouds before I disappear back into
pessimism and self loathing and I don't know how to fix that. I'll get there
someday.
I criticize means of repair to flesh out technique rather than to be able to
ignore them. As a compulsion it is to be able to ignore them. But they keep
gnawing at my head past the initial repulsion. I don't criticize plans with
which I align but nor do I criticize plans that seem to me to be obviously
infeasible.
I still can't interact with new people, though, except when forced to do so by
situation or as a means to an end, and when I do I am extremely uncomfortable.
I don't know if I can fix that, I don't know if I want to fix that. Baby steps.
I hope my existing friends live forever. If our friendship doesn't, fine. They
deserve happiness and if that's the means to get there I hope I am tossed to
the side without grief. They deserve happiness and a long duration to have it.
__________
/ _______ /|
/ /|_____/ / |
/ //|| / //||
/ //||| _/ //|||
/_________ //_|||
| ______ ||_///
| ||/// | ||///
| ||//___| ||//
| |/_____| | /
|__________|/ I want to improve.
/blah/2023-12-21.html
I have thought disorder that makes it really hard to convey the things in my
head into things expressed in text. One dimensionally. A string of characters.
Projecting the landscape of my mind is difficult in the same way drawing is.
Trying to force a two dimensional world into 128 characters.
__________
/ _______ /| I have this thing I like to draw, the frame of a cube. The
/ /| ____/ / | edges of the cube, the spaces between the edges, and then
/ //||| / //|| the edges behind those spaces. It's a practice in three
/ //||||_/ //||| dimensional visualization. I can't do it. Every time I draw
/_________ //_||| the cube I draw it wrong. A line is where it shouldn't be, I
| ______ ||_/// made it inconsistent, some elementary mistake. I suppose a
| ||/// | ||/// lot of people couldn't draw the cube right the first time
| ||//___| ||// but I feel like I should be able to. That's how conversation
| |/_____| | / feels. One crucial thing is missing, one inconsistency, and
|__________|/ the whole thing is wrong, and I didn't notice it because it
was so hard to do the other edges. To make the thing link
up. I don't notice my own circular logic, my own
contradictions, and often others don't either. But when they
do they say I'm bullshitting them. Really it's the spaces in
between, the spaces I can't draw, drawn by the voids in my
head, that are bullshitting me.
It's hard to communicate with others for it.
Thought disorder is a symptom, not a disease, as I understand it, but I'm not
gonna read into it, at least publicly. I dissociate. I switch out sometimes or
lose myself in the words. I make word salad. I say things because they sound
good, not because they make sense. Et cetera. Fuck. I'm not continuing this.
It's isolating. The very fabric of my mind is sewn wrong. Differently, yes. I
think similarly to some of my peers whose minds are beyond most. But wrong.
There are little threads that lead to the wrong areas of the cloth, stitches
too long and too short and some put in after, even, the weaving of the factory
to pull closed areas I'd like to have used. M C Esher head.
i'm nesting
and spinning
and thinking
and turning
and tossing
and blinking
and rusting
decaying
and dying
et c.
/blah/2023-12-14.html
: Ruminations
Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-
NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.
Written over the last two weeks or so. Do not read this if you know me
personally and ideally do not read otherwise, either. Do not try to talk to me
about this. I'm not gonna kill myself. I just was ruminating about the idea.
-
I've been thinking
about killing myself;
the coward's way out,
sure, but a way out
nevertheless. I really
want to die. I want to
feel it. I'd like to
drown, to immolate,
to bleed out. I crave
the subtleties of the
experiences that I
cannot fathom. In
my dreams I do; I
am chopped with
axes,
-
slain with swords,
various means of blunt
force. I am both
executed and executioner,
I experience all
perspectives
simultaneously as it
is my subconscious
that renders my
potential fates, and
in the moment I
am cruel, and in the
moment I am kind,
and as the one
-
to die I feel relieved
to go, to be able to
let go of my stresses
and fears for my
longed-for certainty.
I'm tired of the
lucky escapes, the
dei ex machinae. I
feel like a character
of fiction, the pulp
protagonist that
always improbably
makes it out of the
bind. Like my fate
-
is already written,
predestined; sometimes
I can even see the
lines ahead, Kami
knows sections by
heart. I just got
on the bus I wasn't
sure I could afford
and it was free.
Maybe I'm an angel,
compulsively
accomplishing
selfless miracles.
If so, to be an
-
angel is to be in
Hell. Condemned to
goodness. I am so
fucking stressed
because it takes
more and more work
for everything to just
work out. This
morning I thought
I was gonna break
down, actually just
break down. But
that's not in the
pages.
-
I want to be
alive and without
anaesthetic for
my dissection. I
want to see the
scalpel approach
my flesh, feel it
carve me and see
my own pink-dyed
subcutaneous fat.
The crimson viscera.
I want to taste my
own blood as I
succumb to
-
mortality. Done by
[...] or [...] or both.
In my scripted
demise will I
know commfort, will
I have known
comfort? Or will I
faint into a trench
and have the cold
work its way in
from the extremeties.
This morning I cried,
now my sadness had
hardened to a rich,
-
coffee-smooth
bitterness, a numbness
too. I can't keep
friends because I
never interact first,
see myself a burden.
The fuel that weighs
down the ship. Spend
me until you have
nothing left, be free
of me among the
stars. I arrived at
work an hour and a
half early. It's
-
nothing, the time ticks
on regardless. I hate
Christmas music. I am
so alone. [mi] [olin] [ala] [e] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [mi]. I wish to be
primitive, of the
forest, to be solitary.
I would be so lonely
without [...].
I don't talk to the
people close to me
and to others I say
less. I want to taste
my blood. I want to
-
burn myself. I want
to die. But I don't
want to do it. My
friends depend on
me. And I have things
to write. When I am
done I will take my
leave. I want the
suffering to be over. I
want Nirvana. Nirvana
isn't heaven, it's simply
the conclusion to a
finite cycle of rebirth.
The conclusion to one's
-
suffering.
I'd like to see
Chicago, California,
the Bodhi tree, the
sunrise from atop a
mountain, a molten
wall, the inside of a
flame, mucky clotted
blood. A chunk of
clot in a pool of
it.
-
It's not that I don't
know how to ask for
what I want but
that I know I only
get what is deserved,
not what is desired.
I am a parable;
beware of excess. It's
better that I don't
control my own fate
else I'd
meet it. I believe I
am have cancer because I
don't want to believe
-
I will live 60, 70
more years, because
the best of those I
knew did not. When
I hear the Underscores
song I think, know
it too; Everybody's
dead and it's all my
fault. I don't have
the means to be vegan
in a way that is
healthy but I can't
bring myself to eat
dead animal; I've
-
caused enough harm.
I feel too old and
too young. I don't
know how to afford
rent. Not here, not
anywhere. I'd like
to become a Buddhist
monk. Burger King
coffee is bad but not
terrible. [tomo] [pi] [soweli] [moli].
[mi] [olin] [e] [toki pona]. I am as much
an animal as a cow
and know beef as
fallen brethren.
-
I wish to harm and
not harm, to be
caged and free, to
be known and
Anonymous, to love
and to be forgotten.
Pass on my memories.
I am so tired all the
time. Fatigued, weary,
sleepy. I need to
figure out how to get
an apartment. I need
a new social security
-
card. I want to die
because this work is
so hard and will get
harder yet. I want
to have a small
apartment with one or
two close friends full
of pillows and blankets
with a warm picture
tube and modded
Gamecube. How do I
make friends? How do
I afford an apartment
?
-
I do everything
wrong. When I am
praised it is without
sincerity, when I am
held it is without
catharsis, when I am
loved it is without
reality. To fall asleep
I think about cuddling
my girlfriend. I miss
my stuffed shark but
a stuffed shark will
not fit in a backpack.
Nor will aspirations.
-
[mi] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [li] [ike] [lili]. [ni]
[li]
[ante] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [pini]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [wili] [e]
[lape].
[mi] [jo] [e] [lape] [lili] [tan] [tenpo] [mun] [pini] [la] [mi] [lukin] [e]
[jan] [moli]. [mi] [moli] [ala] [taso] [mi] [wili] [lukin] [e] [jan]
[moli] [tan] [mi] [wile] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [ala] [moli]. [mi] [olin] [moli]
[ala].
[mi] [pakala]. [mi] [kama] [sona] [e] [toki pona]. [mi] [toki ike] [e] [toki
pona]. [o] [toki] [ala].
I got a new pen today. A
Uniball Signo 207 with
"archival quality ink", "used
by professionals". It - and
this is evident in the notebook
in which I write this but
probably won't be if I
ever type it up - writes
-
shittily. Perhaps this is
due to the paper or to the
thin air where I now find
myself. Now it's writing fine
so who knows. I took the
pen apart just now, idly,
didn't have a good grip on
the tip that holds the
spring in, and the tension
released and the tip flew
to the other seat in the
booth of this restaurant. I
hate working here.
-
Today I'm less stressed
because I don't have to
catch a bus to my second
shift. The thought of my
finances still gnaws at
me and the walls are closing
in. The way I'm going isn't
sustainable and one way
or another, by homelessness
or breakdown, I will crumble,
inevitably. I'm not sure what
to do. I'm thinking about
getting a fake identity
and moving to the Balkans
-
or perhaps Kazakhstan. My
current location and situation
is, however, the result of a
similarly spontaneous and
far move, and I'm still
not established here.
My skin is dry. I guess that
wouldn't matter if I
killed myself. Homeless people,
with or without their senses,
are treated like animals. If
you treat people like animals
they will become animals.
The shelter here looks like a cage.
-
Perhaps that's what housing is,
a kennel for a human. The
decorations and dressing make
us forget it. I'm scared of
the future because I don't
know if I will survive it and
I don't want to die. I have
always had a problem with
biting my nails. I have an
oral fixation. I chew half
a pack of gum a day when
I can afford it. Three packs
and two Uniball Signo 207
pens cost $10.46.
-
I worked an hour for them.
How many hours will I need
to work to afford rent? No
matter how many it never seems
to be enough. I'm scared all
the time since I started
feeling emotions again. I miss
being numb but I don't miss
being in the situations that
made me numb. Maybe I
just need to sleep. I can't
fall asleep without either weed
or watching people die on
my cell phone.
-
I saw someone decapitated
by the wheels of a train.
I wondered how bad it would
be to die that way. They looked
so happy on social media. I
try so hard to be kind to
everybody. It has been 2 days
since last I hugged anybody.
I feel so alone. I'm not,
but the being is different
from the feeling. I am sad.
My girlfriend won't text me
back. Its replies were sparse
when I was sleeping outside
-
because it was worried I
would die in the cold. The
people I love most in the
world don't believe I will
ever be successful. I think
I might. If I was
infinitely powerful I would
give the empty houses to those
that need them and an I.D.
to anyone that wanted one.
I would feed the hungry and
transport the travelers. I
would find somebody who
knows exactly how I now feel.
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [ante]
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [ike]. [mi] [pakala]. [mi] [ike] [mute]. [mi] [pali] [moki]
[e]
[soweli] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [soweli] [moli] [ala]
[taso] [jan ike] [moli] [e] [soweli] [suwi]. [mi] [pakala].
[tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [pali] [moku] [e] [soweli] [suwi] [moli]. [mi]
[pakala].
[mi] [ike] [seme] [jan ike]. [mi] [pilin ike] [mute]. [mi] [pilin pakala]. [mi]
[ike] [tawa] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [soweli]. [mi] [ike] [tawa] [ma] [ali]. [mi] [ike]. [mi]
[pakala].
[toki] [nimi Japanese] [la] [tu] [tu] [pi] [toki pona] [li] [moli]. [mi]
[pakala]:
[mi] [toki] [e] [ni]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [nanpa] [tu] [tu].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [mun] [ike]. [mi] [pilin ike]
[mute].
[mi] [toki]. [mi] [pakala].
-
I've done abhorrent, horrible
things, and I don't know how
to make up for them. Killing
myself would be a start.
I wonder what it's like to
be dead. I wish there
wasn't rebirth.
-
i took the bus to work
i'm sorry
car just didn't start
the park
the gas tank full
the lighter
sorry
took the bus to work
i'm sorry
fifty year old man
i'm sorry
bandanna in a bottle
bandanna in a bottle
i drink til my tongue slips
i'm sorry
whatcha sorry for
i'm sorry
took the bus to work
and i think tonight i'm gonna let it hit me
he didn't see it coming
and his pace remained the same
eveloped in fire
did you feel anything?
i'm sorry for the slaughter
but god does my job pay
i bought myself a new car
but can't bear to fill the tank
-
[moli] [li] [pimeja] [e] [mi]
[pimeja] [soweli] [la]
[mi] [len] [e] [mi] [e] [ni]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [ni]: [mi] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [pali] [lape]
[mi] [lape] [ala]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]
city square littered with corpses
vendors fallen at their stalls
bags spilled open, coins atwinkle
reflecting moonlight. earthly stars
if you cut one open the blood would be dark red
no oxygen in their system, hypoxia, death instant
civilians struck in a war of which they weren't aware
died for a growing number on a screen
children are among them, and in homes babies cribbed
a bus driver reading a dog eared copy of the tao te ching
four of a chosen family out of broken homes
taken from a cold street to new apartment, optimists
nobody mourns the losses. members of a town too small
in life they all were lovers. now inanimate
a flower sits in a cup, never to be watered again
in the face of inevitability, what has it all meant
city square declared a grave site
by nobody; nobody cares
a dog lays still on the cobblestone
its last experience fitful sleep, a nightmare
-
I'm tired.
-
-
i don't believe in a god
and haven't since i saw a dog
skinned alive
a mess of dripping, florid blood
and muscle and bone
and it let out what screams
can be screamed with what function
its analog to our vocal chords
had left
and kept screaming
shaking, it hanged suuspended by rope
from an oak tree, perhaps maple
the twine brown matching the sand
and dirt and green leaves
and not the unnatural red
of the shivering animal
unable to comprehend even its fate
let alone what brought its aggressors
to take a machete to the starving, matted
thing. how could a merciful, good creator
allow one of her children to experience
such a thing, and not die upon removal
of the face? who would want to survive such
a thing? and especially,
if not only a god is our creator but
the arbiter of our fates,
why did she let someone record it and put it
on liveleak? why did she let me watch it
when i was 14?
-
The mountain, eons old
and wise for what it
has weathered, knows not
to abuse its unimaginable
strength.
The hornet, with a life cycle of days, is given an
appropriately small amount
of venom for its size and
stings unprovoked.
Blame neither.
They reflect the
kindness of their worlds.
-
hope you're doing okay
i'm about to sleep, worked a lot today
will we talk tomorrow?
of course we will babe
that was last month
was I ghosted? I really can't say
I might be single but
I hold onto the hope that it'll message again
what did I say
what did I do
I thought we had something
was it as real to you
how did I push
my dearest dear away
would you tell me if it was over?
was I really so unsafe?
-
do you remember me
i thought what we had was a lot
i always think of you
am i just someone you forgot
we've been dating for a bit
but goddammit, i sort of loved you
when you curl up with [...],
my old plushie, do you think of what you lost
god, i miss you, and i'm so alone
when i sleep i look at my phone
and look at you, comfy, under the sheets.
i hope the blankets don't make you too hot
what did i do to justify a cold shoulder
what did i say to bring famine to my soul
will you return to explain your hiatus
or will you leave me to rot
whatever it was, i'm sorry
and i hope you get back someday
i keep thinking about the solace under the wheels of a train
do you think i'll feel any pain
-
i'm at the bus stop and freezing
do you get what i mean?
it's been a week since you called
am i still in your screen?
i think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
i wanna throw myself into
but that's just how i think
you got tired of me
as a loving girlfriend
faded novelty
and so much repetition
but i liked the routine
and you said it was your happy ending
after every chapter there's another
is a better life what i'll get
no longer so trusting a lover
my heart aches, i should have guarded it
-
It said it loved me but
it hasn't responded to my
text messages in two weeks.
I suppose it's busy but I
haven't even had a single-
word update. It feels like
I'm being avoided. It hurts.
I really did love it. It's hard
for me to love. If it called
and apologized and made it
up to me I don't think it
would fix things. I feel
disrespected as a partner.
-
We're poly and I know
and have known it is seeing
someone else, and am and
have always been fine with
it. Someone else more
important to it. I was
thankful, really, and still am
that it received more than
only I could provide, a 20
year old fast food worker.
I can't compare to its
college scholarships and
leadership roles. I never
wanted or needed to.
-
And I didn't ever call as
much as we planned and
I became more of a recluse
than the person it started
dating. But I've been to its
apartment. I took it on
dates, gave it its favorite
stuffed animal, formerly
mine. We don't have a
long history but we do have
a history. I don't even
know if we're broken up.
Tomorrow will be two weeks.
-
Nearly four months. I feel
doomed to never keep a
relationship longer than
four months.
I wish I had what it
takes to commit suicide.
-
[...] & [,,,]
-> [...] & [,,,] - 9.7km $D
gas price ($G) - $/gal
gas price $g/gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
mileage ($M) -> mi / gal
mileage $m mi / gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
$m mi / liter * 1.6 km / 1 mi -> km / liter
-
-
-
-
It messaged me back.
It too has been having
a rough go of things.
I'm in a downward
spiral. I hate this fucking
Christmas music. I use
gum to forget taste, gore
to desensitize sight, music
to ignore my ears,
cleaning work to burn my
nostrils, weed to feel
nothing and forget the
world of which I wish
I wasn't a part.
-
In fleeting moments of peace
I'm overcome by the beauty
of this simple place. Then
my head by the hair is
dragged back into the dark
mirror and I am once again
submerged in my own misery.
I want my face ripped off,
to drown in my own blood
as it's forced into my nose
by the tubes under my eyes,
to see in the mirror the
muscles that scarcely do
else but frown.
-
When people knock on the
bathroom door I get nervous
and leave and they always
look mad at me. Why?
I was doing what they wish
to do. Why not be sympathetic
to what we have in common
-- a urinary tract, a digestive
system. I never take
very long.
I agreed to start coming
into work earlier. It felt
like signing my death
certificate. I'm so tired.
-
This job doesn't pay
enough. I work 50 hour
weeks to be able to
afford basic necessities,
many of which I still forgo.
I charge a battery pack at
work to avoid using electricity
in the apartment. I take
one short shower a week to
avoid water usage and
electricity for the water
heater. I use my phone
flashlight (charged at work
too) to avoid the overhead
lamps.
-
I spend a lot of time at
work. 6 days a week, 8-10
hour days, some 6s around
so I don't get too much
overtime. I show up an
hour early. I spend about
half an hour on the bus, before
that half an hour at the
stop. Then another half
hour at the stop after work.
That's two and a half
hours I spend either at
work or commuting, plus
the usual 8. 2.6 * 6 = 13hrs + 50hrs working
= 63 hrs out of the apartment
-
Then I sleep 8hrs a night,
or at least set aside that
time for it. 56hrs a week.
I have 49hrs a week past
labor, transit, and sleep.
It's time but I wish I had
more. I and my loved ones
are aging. I wanna spend
the prime decades of my life
playing, creating, socializing.
All I do is labor, if not done
by me then someone else. And
I'm exhausted.
-
What makes matters worse
is that I have some innate,
compulsive need to labor if
on the clock as I am paid
to do. This while those around
me use their cell phones to
watch video and otherwise
idle. I work and they do
not and while I slowly
clean the workplace I
wonder, perhaps realize - though
I had already realized, so
moreso I just turn the
thought around in my head
-
like a dead pig's sausage
rotating on a warmer at a
gas station - why this
place is so dirty.
I want to go somewhere
clean, or to nowhere at all.
I want to love in a shallow
pool of water, in Lao-Tzu's
moon. I want to cease
living. I want to die. I
want to be killed. I want
to kill myself. Because then,
at least, the work will
be over.
-
The voices will quiet. I will
calm and my heart will be
still. I will be not too hot,
not too cold, without aching
muscles or aging joints. I
want this finity not as a
termination of my residence
per se but as a respite from
the Hell for which I
constantly volunteer. Many
lean on me; I lean on
nothing. Many know me.
I know nothing. I love many.
And in my heart know I am alone.
-
I watch a lot of
beheadings and it's
kind of a bummer
that they all focus on
the head and not the
body. The blood pouring
out of the neck as if
champagne
uncorked seriously
arouses me. I unironically
want to behead someone
and fuck their windpipe.
I want to be covered
in blood, someone else's
or my own.
-
I don't know what to
do with this notebook.
Who would want to read
this? What kind of
person would identify
with me?
I took my clothes off
and got in the shower
naked. I feel defenseless
when showering, especially
without a knife beside
me. I shampood my
scalp and conditioned
my hair
-
and I took the
washcloth and scrubbed
at my face but my
face was stuck too well
to my skull to be so
easily removed. I scrubbed
down my chest and arms
and legs and neck and
felt where I'd like someone
to saw at me, disconnect
my head from my heart.
I was thirsty but it
felt weird to drink the
shower water.
-
I'm scared of using soap
because it costs so much.
Scared of shampoo and
conditioner because they
cost so much. The
bathroom light and fan.
The water. I scrubbed
at my feet and the bottoms
were gray, the soles
padded with dead skin
because I spend all
my time walking. I scrubbed
at them but not too
much because I'll take any
padding I can get.
-
I finished and dried
myself with a towel and
got out of the shower
and felt lightheaded and
I don't know why. And
I put on clothes and came
out to the living room.
This is the last page of
the notebook and my
hair smells like lavendar
and my arms like
eucalyptus. And I'm sorry
for being here. At least
I'm finally clean.
-
The notebook on which this was written will be incinerated and I will move on
from thinking about any of this.
/blah/2023-12-12.html
Didn't have time to figure out how to set up TeX. Still don't. Don't have time
to explain. I'm so tired. I'm wearing raw. Like skin torn apart by a fall at
high speed onto a road. Flesh torn from bone, then bone itself ground against
sandpaper. My girlfriend stopped texting back two weeks ago. Marrow leakage.
I'm at the bus stop and freezing
Do you get what I mean?
It's been a week since you called me
Am I still in your screen?
I think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
I wanna throw myself into.
But that's just how I think.
You got tired of me, maybe,
as a loving girlfriend
perhaps the novelty faded
into repetition.
But I liked the routine
and I thought it was a happy ending.
After every chapter there's another
is a better life what I'll get?
Or an ache in my side and
my catacomb cage quiet.
I can't sleep anymore without watching people die on-line. I spend one or two
hours a night on watchpeopledie.tv and I've probably seen most of the videos on
the site, I made an account to track my viewing history so I don't watch the
same stuff over and over. I long to know what it feels like to drown, to burn
alive, to bleed out, to be crushed in the cogs of an industrial machine, to be
shredded, beheaded, to die alone in the cold or the heat or a swampy summer
day. I'm kept alive by decision paralysis and the bitter responsibility to make
the world a significantly better place than I found it. I'm so tired.
I imagine, engulfed in flames, or at the edge of consciousness under the sea,
or within the swiftly closing steel maws of an unknowing automaton, or just
after the machete starts sawing, or at the second gush from the vein, or
simply looking at a dirty brick wall as the last sight on this plane, there is
a moment, brief but potent, of realization and acceptance of what has happened,
and that that one moment is the sweetest bliss of certain finity that could be
given to a mortal. Just a tick, one sixty-fourth of a moment in a snap. I hope
decades from now I can experience it and that it's as serene as I hope.
I wonder if I'm just forgettable. Maybe that's all it is. I don't want to be
forgotten but I do. If my words fade into aether I want my kharma to persevere.
/blah/2023-12-10.html
I feel alone and I wish I wasn't.
I don't think Chimera has tex so I'll figure out how to compile it.
/blah/2023-12-03.html
theater of years
10 George woke up behind the curtains on a mat at the same time as some of
the older folk. Two of them were rocking babies, one nearly a newborn and the
other slightly older.
mod me
1 Kaoru Akimoto - Dress Down
2 Weezer - Beverly Hills
3 Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
4 Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
5 Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
6 Penelope Scott - Cigarette Ahegao
7 Fall Out Boy - Thnks fr th Mmrs
8 Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
9 Junko Yagami - [kanji] no BAY CITY
10 Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
This is from the Ben Folds album Way to Normal. I went to the
titular Normal on my way to Lincoln and its Amtrack station was just excellent.
11 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
12 Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
13 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
14 MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
15 Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
16 Gorillaz - Tranz
17 Steve Lacy - Dark Red
18 Fall Out Boy - American Beauty/American Psycho
19 Richard Cheese - Gin & Juice
20 Liza Anne - I Love You, But I Need Another Year
21 C418 - Mellohi
22 Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song
23 Worthikids - Up
24 Austin Weber - Mamma Mia
25 Her's - Speed Racer
26 glass beach - cold weather
27 Machine Girl - Athoth a Go!! Go!!
I've seen them live and it was with the exception of Knocked
Loose the best pit I'd ever been in.
28 Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Pump It Up
29 Tally Hall - Cannibal
30 Oinga Boinga - You Really Got Me
31 Minus the Bear - My Time
32 Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
33 Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
34 TeddyLoid - Fly Away
35 Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
36 Weezer - Hash Pipe
37 nelward - Ghost
This plays on King Possum radio every so often.
38 Magdalena Bay - Killshot
39 Electric Wizard - Funeralopolis
40 Tessa Violet - Wishful Drinking
I saw half alive live in Boston and Tessa Violet opened. It was
kind of uncomfortable because while I am into women and I think Tessa Violet is
also into women her stage presence wasn't really anything I was into nor
anything with which I strongly vibed. Maybe it's just something for those who
are younger than I.
41 R.I.P. - 1-800-Sins
42 Talking Heads - Road to Nowhere
43 Eyeless in Gaza - Seven Years
44 my bloody valentine - Lose My Breath
45 The Cure - Play For Today
46 Marina and the Diamonds - Venus Fly Trap
47 Cyclope - L'hymne a l'amour
Minus diacritical marks.
48 IVE - ELEVEN
49 Superorganism - Something For Your M.I.N.D.
50 Marina and the Diamonds - Bubblegum Bitch
51 Marina and the Diamonds - Primadonna
52 ATARASHII GAKKOI - Pineapple Kryptonite
53 Mareux - The Perfect Girl
christmas music
1 100 gecs - sympathy 4 the grinch
2 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Merry Christmas Everybody
3 Gorillaz - Broken
4 Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
5 Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
Coincidentally, I received a Tears concert ticket for Christmas
from either my roommate or his family last year or so.
6 Wham! - Last Christmas
7 My Chemical Romance - All I Want for Christmas Is You
8 Roar - Christmas Kids
9 Mother Mother - Hayloft
10 Misfits - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
11 Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
12 John Lennon, Yoko Ono - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
Found on /f/.
13 Epic Rap Battles of History, Snoop Dogg - Moses vs Santa Claus
14 K.able, Hatsune Miku - Santa-san wa ROKUDENASHI
15 Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad
16 Mag.Lo, O Super - Never
17 Vierre Cloud - moment
18 Gorillaz - DARE
batteries included
1 LVL1 - FVN!
2 TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
3 TeddyLoid - Fly Away
4 Vierre Cloud - moment
5 Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
6 Perfume - Electro World
7 3l3d3p - lbitbt
8 100 gecs - bloodstains
This playlist is loosely copied from Usagi's Welcome to Hell
Spotify playlist which I won't be putting here. It accompanied me in 2021 and
2022 but I mainly associate it with my senior year of high school which felt
very fast and very loose and had a lot of parts where I thought I wasn't going
to survive to 18.
9 plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
10 Honey Claws - Digital Animal
I can't see the dates on Spotify for Android and I can't use
the web browser open.spotify.com for lack of WideVine on Firefox for the
Raspberry Pi nor the Electron app for lack of a lot of things but this is
definitely from 2022 or so because I recalled this song talking with a coworker
who mentioned this was in Breaking Bad.
11 100 gecs, Fall Out Boy, Craig Owens, Nicole Dollanganger -[...]
The artist credits overflow so hard none of the title can be
shown. This is the Fall Out Boy cover of hand crushed by a mallet by gecs.
12 Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM
13 TeddyLoid - Theme for Scanty & Knee Socks
14 TeddyLoid - Corset Theme
15 100 gecs - mememe
16 Ado, TeddyLoid - [kangi] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
17 Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
18 Grimes - Kill V. Maim
19 Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
When this song leaked it leaked as When Will We Be Free and
Kingslayer tied into a single MP3. It may be my favorite of both bands' work.
I looped it while playing through GZDOOM on my Thinkpad T420 on a really nice
NEC SyncMaster or something like that 70Hz LCD display.
20 The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
21 Danny Brown - Ain't it Funny
22 clipping. - Story 2
23 Zack Fox - fafo
I always associate Ain't it Funny / Story 2 / fafo with each
other as a series of tracks. Or maybe in the reverse of that order. It makes
sense lyrically and rhythmically and the first time I heard them was something
like that order in the car with Usagi coming back from the bagel place.
24 Mitchie M., Hatsune Miku - ageageagein
Transliterated from katakana.
25 Badflower - Girlfriend
I've seen Badflower live but I didn't think the track selection
of the set was that great - he opened for My Chemical Romance in September
2022, the day the Queen of England died (REST IN PISS IMPERIAL FUCK).
26 Pisse - Fahrradsattel
27 The Moldy Peaches - Little Bunny Foo Foo
I really love the video vewn did to accompany this song. My
only cotton T-shirt is vewn merch that I got for Christmas from Usagi, I've
seen all their videos on recommendation from Usagi and they're one of if not my
favorite animator.
28 LIZ - When I Rule the World
29 Slayyyter - Hello Kitty
30 Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - PONPONPON
I can't help thinking of the awful webm Pomf Pomf Pomf when I
think of this song but I really love the song.
31 Fandroid! - You Signed a Contract
Cuphead music is a nice niche.
32 Laura Les - Haunted
33 WAKUSEI ABNORMAL - furare [kanji]
34 Sidhu Moose Wala - Mafia Style
35 Magdalena Bay - Mercurial World
36 quiizzzmeow, Midix - KATANA
37 Poppy - All The Things She Said
Lily (the one from Maine whom I kin) hates this cover and only
likes the original track.
38 Poppy - Fear of Dying
39 Mindless Self Indulgence - Bitches
40 Ck9c, Elizabeth Ann - You Can't Hide
41 Sleeping With Sirens - Better Off Dead
42 Marina and the Diamonds - Homewrecker
When I came back to Maine from Florida and got another Burger
King job I met this dude named Austin and told him, slowly over the course of
many shifts, about how I was going to move across the country on a whim and
that he should live for pleasure and be unafraid of taking risks. He also had
a seemingly abusive girlfriend with whom I encouraged him to break up because
she was seemingly abusive - she threatened to commit suicide when he brought up
maybe taking a break or something, made him cut off contact with his friends
and forbid him from talking with any other women, and just generally seemed
very controlling. He didn't wanna break up with her because he didn't want to
Be Single, as if that was a sordid label. I said honestly man I would rather be
single than be in that relationship. Since that, I associate this song with my
own actions. I didn't fuck him though. Not my type.
43 Marina and the Diamonds - Power & Control
44 Mindless Self Indulgence - What Do They Know?
45 Coco & Clair Clair, Okthxbb - Pretty
I used to play this song while doing reprehensible things to
others while also wearing really nice outfits. My goal was to give at least one
guy a humiliation fetish while I beat the shit out of him.
46 Breathe Carolina - Blackout
I will black out, actually - I always fall asleep 1-2 hours
after getting high. I don't get enough sleep.
47 t.A.T.u. - All The Things She Said
48 Poppy - Girls In Bikinis
One of my sidekick's best catchphrases is "God I love women".
Same, bestie.
49 100 gecs - money machine
50 TeddyLoid, Giga, LOLUET - desperate
Translated from katakana.
51 JVNLIII - Physical Self
52 Rebzyyx, hoshie star - all I want is you
Disassembled my GitHub; deleted the last few remaining repositories, made my
account private, and changed the username to trn1ty as well as cleared some
info boxes. Fuck proprietary services.
/blah/2023-12-02.html
depression sterilized
1 Lipps Inc. - Funkytown
The first time I heard this song I was probably very young and
listening to 70s radio on a real, FM radio, which is now somewhat rare in a
world of Spotify (the platform on which I made this playlist in 2015-2017) and
FLACs. But I grew up with this song on Windows XP, using the On-Line Radio
feature in Windows Media Player to stream Laut FM, which I think is a German
radio station. Laut's cut of Funkytown was, in my faint decade-since
recollection, only the verses and not the choruses? Which seems wrong but is
what I remember. I would play PrxCraft, Project X Craft, I think named after
Project X Zone, a popular video game, which was at the time still administered
by KevinEssence. After he lost a lot of money gambling in CsGoLotto or whatever
it was he sold the Minecraft server to some other entity and it passed through
many hands and lost value each time, much like Tumblr. PrxCraft had Factions,
essentially typical Survival-mode Minecraft, and I think some other cool game
modes, but my favorite was Skygrid which left you on a grid of blocks in the
sky to slowly find resources and build out an almost normal-looking farm.
Microsoft Windows XP had, and later Windows didn't, the ability to
place the music controls on the taskbar itself for Windows Media Player so you
could control the music from any other app. It was snazzy stuff at the time
though Linux kids were doing way cooler stuff.
2 Pink Floyd - Time
3 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Do It All The Time
4 Paramore - Hard Times
5 Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
6 Eagles - Hotel California
7 The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
8 Bobby "Boris" Pickett, The Crypt-Kickers - Monster Mash
9 Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
10 Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
11 The Andrews Sisters - Rum and Coca Cola
12 Guster - Great Escape
13 America, George Martin - A Horse with No Name
14 The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
15 Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
16 Horace Silver - Song For My Father
In high school I had a crush on a jazz band bass player and at
a band concert the jazz band played this song with his part very noticeable and
some improv near the end. I wanted to know the song well so I could impress him
somehow by knowing of it. High schooler logic. I did eventually get with his
twin brother through a very complicated and convoluted chain of happenings
nobody really expected.
17 Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
18 M.I.A. - Paper Planes
19 R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
I had this tape which is why I love this album so much. My cell
phone died whenever it got chilly, which is a common occurence in Maine, but my
Walkman kept trudging through whatever I threw at it whether rain, sleet, or
snow. My first tapes were (in this order) Blue Hawai'i, Monster, Awesome Mix
Vol. 1, and Goldfly. The first two found at a thrift store along with a shitty
wowing cassette player (which I scrapped soon after purchasing) and the second
two I wrote to tape by first burning CDs and then using a Sony combination
boombox.
20 Genesis - Land of Confusion
This was my Current Events teacher's favorite song.
21 The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin
22 The Licks - Lavender Kiss
This was the favorite song of an Anonymous person I was talking
to on-line. They were in my area, I think, but we never met.
23 R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
24 Peking Duk - Wasted
25 The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
I got this out of a LinusTechTips YouTube video about making
art for one's self and the love of creation.
26 Childish Gambino - Sober
27 Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
28 Caroline Rose - Soul No. 5
She opened for Guster and I bought the tape of Loser. Really
good album, I used to stay up late to listen to it.
29 The Beatles - Helter Skelter
I saw Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie sing this together on the
second Twins of Evil tour.
30 Charli XCX, Troye Sivan - 1999
31 AWOLNATION - Table for One
They opened for Panic! at the Disco.
32 The Killers - Mr. Brightside
33 Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
34 Credence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
35 Flatsound - If We Could Just Pretend
I've probably cried to this song more than half the times I've
heard it. The guitar tabs are easy and I've cried while playing it, too.
36 Justice - D.A.N.C.E
37 Dire Straights - Money for Nothing
38 Beach Bunny - Prom Queen
39 Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
40 Michael Gray - The Weekend
41 Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
Heard on 1470 WLAM but also as the end song in Granite Flats.
42 Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
43 half alive - still feel.
44 Radiohead - Videotape
This song fills me with raw emotion and I can't bear to listen
to it anymore. I skip it when it comes on after the rest of In Rainbows.
45 Elton John - I'm Still Standing
I'm deleting my Spotify. No more proprietary services.
++work
1 Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
I impressed the rest of the kids at science camp by making our
Lego EV3 bot play this song while doing the rest of what it was supposed to be
doing. This playlist was my learning to program playlist.
2 Boney M. - Rasputin
3 TOTO - Africa
4 Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
I got this from a Rick and Morty trailer. This felt really real
to me because by this point I had done some jarring stuff on the Internet.
5 Guster - Great Escape
I love this song.
6 Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
7 Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
8 Justice - D.A.N.C.E
9 Michael Gray - The Weekend
10 Oliver Tree - Fuck
I loved Oliver Tree who was recommended to me by a friend in
Saudi Arabia. I heard he took tabs of his music off some guitar sites recently
though so that's a bummer.
11 Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
I've seen the 2010 movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World many times
and love it. Haven't read the comic or seen the anime though.
12 Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
13 Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation
The theme for Freaks and Geeks.
14 Metric - Black Sheep
15 Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
16 Rob Zombie - Dragula
17 R.E.M. - Let Me In
18 R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
19 Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
20 Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
Tears For Fears is still rocking. I went to a recent tour and
they were awesome, their latest album is also really good.
21 Weezer - Thank God for Girls
22 Weezer - Island In The Sun
Usagi's favorite Weezer song.
23 Yung Bae, Natvnomvzik - Bae City Rollaz
24 Night Tempo - Koi
25 T. Rex - Teenage Dream
26 Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
I also love Cake's cover.
27 Weezer - Jacked Up
28 Arctic Monkeys - No Buses
Recommended to me by Usagi. So was Flatsound now that I think
about it. At first I thought she was talking about the band No Buses who I
remember liking too but I haven't heard them in a long while.
caffeine
1 Japanese Breakfast - Planetary Ambience
I found this playlist as an Evangelion-themed playlist on
Spotify and stole it. I'm unfamiliar with most of these artists.
2 Wishing - Emptiness Is a Closet Full of Your Old Clothes
3 eevee - early mornings
4 Beach House - Space Song
5 Alex G - Sportstar
6 Dan Deacon - When I Was Done Dying
7 Little Dragon - Crystalfilm
8 The Knife - I Just Had To Die
9 Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely
10 Anamanaguchi - Planet
11 Explosions In The Sky - Your Hand In Mine
12 Anamanaguchi - Endless Fantasy
meister'd
1 Yoko Takahashi - The Cruel Angel's Thesis (Director's Edit[...]
Usagi made this playlist for me. I made one for her, too.
2 The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
3 Roberta Flack - Killing Me Softly With His Song
I used to listen to this at work. Flack's album of the same
name is really good. I've never been able to listen to this full playlist
without crying.
4 Vicke Blanke - Slave of Love
5 Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Ffunny Ffrends
6 Roland Faunte - Hand Over Hand
This was the first playlist I'd download when putting Spotify
on a device. That way if I lost Internet access I could still hear it.
7 Tally Hall - You
8 Jack Stauber - Coconut Ranger
9 Sunbeam Sound Machine - In Your Arms
I haven't seen Usagi in some months now. I miss her. We text.
10 Grandaddy - A.M. 180
We're just friends now but very, very good friends because we
shared a lot of time together. Usagi's like a sister to me. We always imagined
we'd someday be crochety old-timers rocking in chairs on our porch yelling at
the dang kids to get off our lawn.
11 Crywank - This Song Title Was Too Long (So Now It's Shorter)
Usagi's the second person to which I came out.
12 The Drums - Money
Usagi was my pet name for her and she had one for me. I use the
pseudonym out of respect for her privacy - she's as privacy conscious as I am.
13 Jinsang - Smile from U.
14 Car Seat Headrest - It's Only Sex
15 Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
Usagi's car used to be a big, loud Volvo minivan which handled
poorly and took a lot of skill to drive. She's a damn good driver.
16 The Growlers - Rare Hearts
17 Mitski - Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart
18 The Voidz - Human Sadness
19 Lustt - Pillow Talk
We would get sushi together at the supermarket in Auburn. Last
time we did I broke down sobbing in her car because I knew it wouldn't happen
again. I'm half a country away now, also vegan but I guess we could have Oreos
if we went out again. She moved too though.
burger emporor
1 Weezer - Mirror Image
2 Weezer - Undone - The Sweater Song
3 Weezer - Buddy Holly
4 Weezer - Beverly Hills
5 Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
6 Dropkick Murphys - I'm Shipping Up To Boston
As a former Mainer I'm used to thinking of Boston as South.
7 Mother Mother - Hayloft
8 Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted To Dance
This music video made Dance Dance Revolution look Intense.
9 Mindless Self Indulgence - Shut Me Up
10 Weezer - Pork And Beans
11 Twenty One Pilots - Level of Concern
Technically I was in this music video.
12 Twenty One Pilots - Morph
13 100 gecs, Charli XCX, Rico Nasty, Kero Kero Bonito - ringtone
14 Bring Me The Horizon, YUNGBLUD - Obey
15 LMFAO, Lauren Bennett, GoonRock - Party Rock Anthem
16 Death Grips - Get Got
17 Black Eyed Peas - Pump It
18 AC/DC - Highway to Hell
19 Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
20 Michael Gray - The Weekend
21 Smash Mouth - All Star
22 Tape Five - City of Lights
On a High School band field trip to Virginia the other trombone
player couldn't sleep without listening to metro jazz or whatever so I got used
to it. It's good stuff and wasn't a problem, usually I just fell asleep to a
Saw movie or at the time probably Bloodnun.
23 Weatherday - Come In
24 Shiro SAGISU - Fly Me To The Moon - Instrumental Version
25 Tally Hall - Ruler of Everything
26 Tally Hall - Banana Man
I discovered Tally Hall through this music video which was
uploaded as a .swf to 4chan/f/.
27 Le Tigre - Deceptacon
28 Plustwo - Melody (1983 Club Vinyl Remix)
29 A/V Heroes - Pretty Pink Television
I met the lead singer through, I think, Instagram, maybe a meme
page - @ifuckinghatestuartlittle or something. Really cool guy.
30 Cypie - Gdzie jest bialy wegorz ? (Zejscie)
Minus the diacritical marks. I don't have a compose key.
31 Jim Croce - You Don't Mess Around with Jim
32 Dolly Parton - 9 to 5
33 Kenny Rogers - The Gambler
34 100 gecs - stupid horse
35 Brooksie - Not Into You
36 Fall Out Boy - THnks fr th Mmrs
37 Tally Hall - Turn the Lights Off
38 Frank Sinatra - My Way
39 Carpenter Brut, Yann Ligner - Maniac
40 Frank Sinatra, Count Basie - Fly Me To The Moon
41 Frank Sinatra - That's Life
42 Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
43 MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
44 The Beatles - And Your Bird Can Sing
45 The Beatles - Drive My Car
46 The Beatles - I'm Looking Through You
47 Thundercat - Them Changes
48 Freddie Scott - (You) Got What I Need
49 The Animals - House Of The Rising Sun
50 America, George Martin - 5 O'Clock World
51 Eagles - Hotel California
52 The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
53 Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
54 Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
55 Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
56 half alive - still feel.
57 Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
58 Elton John - I'm Still Standing
This was my Burger King playlist, before I got transferred the
first time.
59 Billy Joel - Zanzibar
60 The Strokes - The Adults Are Talking
61 The Strokes - At The Door
I found The Strokes because Drew Gooden recommended them in a
YouTube video.
62 Dead Poet Society - .getawayfortheweekend.
I later did what this song described.
63 Dead Poet Society - .georgia.
Dead Poet Society's song titles remind me of BSD Make
extensions.
64 Teddyloid - Fly Away
65 Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM (Booty Bronx [...]
66 TCY FORCE, Mariya Ise - CHOCOLAT
I tried to find more Mariya Ise but I think the only other
stuff she's done is voice acting.
67 Teddyloid - Corset Theme
68 TCY FORCE, Emyli - Champion
69 Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
70 Weezer - Hash Pipe
71 Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
72 Vierre Cloud - moment
I can't listen to this song without thinking about winter 2020
where at many points I thought I was going to freeze to death on walks between
my parents', school, and work.
73 Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
74 The Beatles - Helter Skelter
75 ABBA - Mamma Mia
76 Paramore - Misery Business
77 Linkin Park - One Step Closer
I 100%ed this on Expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS. I
also used this as a backing track for my YouTube clip where I shot a grenade
mid-air with a sniper rifle in Combat Reloaded, a CounterStrike ripoff for the
web browser.
78 Radiohead - 15 Step
79 Radiohead - Electioneering
80 Glen Campbell - Southern Nights
81 Sweet - Fox On The Run
82 MGMT - Little Dark Age
I got this out of Nazi propaganda on /b/ or /gif/.
83 Daryl Hall & John Oates - Out of Touch
84 The Cardigans - Lovefool - Radio Edit
85 Polarkreis 18 - Unendliche Sinfonie
Found on /f/.
86 Junko Yagami - BAY CITY
I can't read the kanji, it's [something] no BAY CITY
87 Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
88 Outkast - Hey Ya!
89 Sean Kingston - Eenie Meenie
90 Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
91 The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
100%ed on Expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS.
92 Nelly Furtado - Maneater
93 The All-American Rejects - Gives You Hell
94 Avril Lavigne - Sk8er Boi
95 Estelle, Kanya West - American Boy
96 Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl
97 Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
By this time I had definitely transferred to the other Burger
King. This was one of my old kitchen manager's favorites. Spot the red flag.
98 Katy Perry - Hot N Cold
99 Toploader - Dancing in the Moonlight
100 Steven Universe - Let Us Adore You
101 3l3d3p - lbitbt
102 The Living Tombstone - It's Been So Long
103 The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
104 Mindless Behavior, Diggy Simmons - Mrs. Right
105 Mag-Lo, O Super - Never
This I also associate with nearly freezing to death.
106 plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
107 Kesha - TiK ToK
108 Ashnikko, Hatsune Miku - Daisy 2.0
109 The Beatles - With A Little Help From My Friends
110 Boney M. - Rasputin
111 Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
112 Tears For Fears - Shout
113 Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
114 The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
115 M.I.A. - Paper Planes
116 R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
117 Peking Duk - Wasted
118 The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
119 Childish Gambino - Sober
120 Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
121 Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
122 Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
123 Mitski - Me and My Husband
124 Mitski - Nobody
125 The Beatles - Maxwell's Silver Hammer
The guy on which I had a crush in high school (not the bass
player, his twin) started a high school club for secular humanism which
espoused the values of atheism and anarchism. I was at the time more an atheist
than an anarchist but joined the club for moral support and because I didn't
have much better to do. One day he said he hadn't heard Abbey Road before so we
listened to the album from end to end with my ASUS Aspire One running mocp on
Debian 9.
126 The Beatles - Oh! Darling
127 The Beatles - Back In The U.S.S.R.
128 The Beatles - Rocky Raccoon
129 The Beatles - Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me [...]
130 The Beatles - I Am The Walrus
131 The Beatles - Doctor Robert
132 The Beatles - Twist And Shout
133 Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
134 OneRepublic - Good Life
135 Owl City - Fireflies
136 insaneintherainmusic, Gabe Nekrutman, Chris Allison - Mii [...]
137 Coolio, L.V. - Gangsta's Paradise
138 Foo Fighters - My Hero
139 DMX - X Gon' Give It To Ya
140 Gorillaz - Tranz
141 Fatboy Slim - Weapon Of Choice
142 The Rolling Stones - Paint It, Black
143 CAKE - Short Skirt / Long Jacket
144 Fountains Of Wayne - Stacy's Mom
145 Childish Gambino - Redbone
146 The Weeknd, Daft Punk - Starboy
147 Jay & The Americans - Come A Little Bit Closer
148 Dean Martin - Ain't That A Kick In The Head
149 Weezer - No Scrubs
150 Joy Division - She's Lost Control
151 Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
152 Taeko Onuki - 4:00A.M.
153 Fitz and The Tantrums - Out of My League
154 The London Orchestral Symphony - Paint It Black (Orchestra[...]
155 Radiohead - Follow Me Around
156 Radiohead - Spectre
157 Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
158 Nothing But Thieves - Forever & Ever More
159 Nothing But Thieves - Futureproof
160 Fleetwood Mac - The Chain
161 Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah - Lake Shore Drive
162 Looking Glass - Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)
163 Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
164 Crystal Castles - Untrust Us
165 Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
166 My Chemical Romance - Helena
167 MGMT - Electric Feel
168 Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
169 The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star
170 The Wannadies - You & Me Song
171 Candi Staton - Young Hearts Run Free
172 Stevie Wonder - Superstition
173 Blue Oyster Cult - (Don't Fear) The Reaper
174 CAKE - Short Skirt / Long Jacket
175 SEATBELTS - Tank!
176 Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
I just noticed this playlist has this song twice.
177 The B-52's - Love Shack
178 War - Low Rider
179 Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
180 Rick James - Super Freak
181 Commodores - Brick House
182 Kid Cudi - Day 'N' Nite (nightmare)
183 Ween - Ocean Man
184 Daniel Tidwell - At Doom's Gate (DOOM E1M1)
185 Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
186 Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime
187 Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
188 Kero Kero Bonito - Pocket Crocodile
189 Kero Kero Bonito - Small Town
190 Tsuko G. - Gas Gas Gas (Initial D)
191 Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop
192 Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
193 Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra
194 Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner
195 Steve Miller Band - The Joker
196 Blondie - Heart Of Glass
197 King Harvest - Dancing In The Moonlight
198 Kansas - Carry on Wayward Son
199 Elton John - Bennie And The Jets
200 Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London
201 Blondie - One Way Or Another
202 Daryl Hall & John Oates - Rich Girl
203 Stevie Wonder - Superstition
This also seems to be a duplicate.
204 Jim Croce - Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
205 AISHA, Arc System Works - The Disaster of Passion
206 Guilty Kiss - Shooting Star Warrior
207 Mother Mother - Hayloft II
208 Iron Maiden - Run to the Hills
209 Louis XIV, Jason Hill, Brian Karscig - God Killed the Queen
210 Taco - Puttin' on the Ritz
211 Daft Punk - Give Life Back to Music
212 Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers - Get Lucky
213 Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster Stronger
214 Elton John, Kiki Dee - Don't Go Breaking My Heart
215 Gorillaz, Robert Smoth - Strange Timez
216 Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
217 Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
218 Gorillaz - Kids with Guns
219 Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
220 Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
221 Gorillaz - Broken
222 Gorillaz, Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Mos Def - Sweepstakes
223 Linkin Park - What I've Done
224 The All-American Rejects - Move Along
225 Simple Plan - What's New Scooby-Doo?
226 The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
227 Steve Miller Band - Take The Money And Run
228 Village People - Y.M.C.A.
229 Coldplay - Paradise
230 LeviathanJPTV - Chug Jug With You
231 Desired - Eyes on Me
I've long associated a picture of Desired with WSJ because he
posted that picture and said it was himself - a fit-looking man holding a rifle
surrounded by photoshopped-in anime girls.
232 Kero Kero Bonito - Only Acting
233 Heart - Barracuda
234 Ram Jam - Black Betty
235 Cascada - Everytime We Touch
236 TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
237 Perfume - Electro World
Originally in katakana.
238 Oliver Tree - Life Goes On
239 Jun Senoue, Ted Poley, Tony Harnell - Escape From The City
240 The Rapture - Sister Saviour
241 Aretha Franklin - Son of a Preacher Man
242 The Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil
243 Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
244 Queen - I Want To Break Free
245 Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 2
246 Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
247 AC/DC - Thunderstruck
248 Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
One of the best guitar lines in history.
249 Creedence Clearwater Revival - Run Through The Jungle
250 David Coffin - Roll the Old Chariot Along
Found on /gif/, a video of this shanty performed by a crowd
relatively near to where I lived. This is my favorite shanty and universally
disliked by those to whom I show it. Last time I showed it to someone they said
they didn't wanna hear the whole thing and skipped to Wellerman.
251 Bob Dylan - The Times They Are A-Changin'
252 Metallica - Enter Sandman
253 Men Without Hats - The Safety Dance
254 Dead Kennedys - Holiday In Cambodia
255 Kanye West, Jamie Foxx - Gold Digger
256 Queen, David Bowie - Under Pressure
257 R.E.M. - It's The End Of The World As We Know It
258 Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
My Latin teacher's favorite Floyd track.
259 Cage The Elephant - Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
I used to listen to this on repeat while playing Battlefield
1942.
260 The Rolling Stones - Satisfaction
261 Foo Fighters - Kids In America - Demo - 1991
262 The Rolling Stones - Jumpin' Jack Flash
263 Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf
264 The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
265 Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
266 100 gecs - mememe
267 ABBA - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
268 ABBA - Waterloo
269 ABBA - Super Trouper
270 Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
Also 100%ed on expert on Guitar Hero for the Nintendo DS.
271 Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
272 Nirvana - Come As You Are
273 Rupert Holmes - Escape
I have fan theories about this song.
274 Weezer - Island In The Sun
275 AmaLee - My Soul, Your Beats!
In my time as moderator for Socks' Discord server I was often
compared to Tachibana from Angel Beats, so I watched the anime. It made me cry.
276 The White Stripes - Fell In Love With a Girl
277 Radiohead - 15 Step
278 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
279 Gorillaz - Tomorrow Comes Today
280 Weezer - Jacked Up
281 Weatherday - Porcelain Hands
282 AWOLNATION - Table for One
283 The Beatles - For No One
284 Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
285 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
286 Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
287 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
Duplicate.
288 Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
289 Radiohead - Follow Me Around
Duplicate.
290 Blondie - Heart Of Glass
Duplicate.
291 The Strokes - Ode To The Mets
292 Joy Division - Disorder
293 Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
Duplicate.
294 Kensuke Ushio - Judgement
295 Booker T. & the M.G.'s - Green Onions
296 This Will Destroy You - The Mighty Rio Grande
297 LVL1 - FVN!
298 Perfume - Electro World
Duplicate.
299 3l3d3p - lbitbt
Duplicate.
300 100 gecs - bloodstains
301 plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
Duplicate.
302 Honey Claws - Digital Animal
303 Ado, TeddyLoid - [kanji] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
304 Grimes - Kill V. Maim
305 Pink Floyd - Time
306 Paramore - Hard Times
307 Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
308 Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
309 Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
310 Guster - Great Escape
311 The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
312 Horace Silver - Song For My Father
313 M.I.A. - Paper Planes
314 R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
I can't keep track of the duplicates so I'm not gonna note them
anymore.
315 R.E.M. - What's The Frequency, Kenneth?
316 R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
317 Genesis - Land of Confusion
318 Weezer - Surf Wax America
319 Weezer - Long Time Sunshine
320 Weezer - We Are All On Drugs
321 Weezer - Miss Sweeney
322 Weezer - Automatic
323 Weezer - I Don't Want Your Loving
Death to False Metal and Everything Will Be Alright in the End
were the two albums that defined my September 2019 to March 2020.
324 Weezer - Memories
325 Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
326 Weezer - Back To The Shack
327 Weezer - Da Vinci
328 Weezer - Wind in Our Sail
329 Weezer - Do You Wanna Get High?
I stopped listening to Weezer when I lost my virginity.
330 Pink Floyd - When the Tigers Broke Free
331 Pink Floyd - The Fletcher Memorial Home
332 Pink Floyd - Astronomy Domine
333 Pink Floyd - Lucifer Sam
334 Boney M. - Rasputin
335 Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
336 Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
337 TOTO - Africa
338 Justice - D.A.N.C.E
339 Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation
340 Metric - Black Sheep
341 R.E.M. - Let Me In
342 Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
343 Yung Bae, Natvnomvzik - Bae City Rollaz
344 Night Tempo - Koi
345 T. Rex - Teenage Dream
346 Arctic Monkeys - No Buses
347 Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop
348 The Beach Boys - I Get Around
349 Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
350 Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love
351 Electric Light Orchestra - Don't Bring Me Down
352 Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
353 Don McLean - American Pie
354 Bee Gees - You Should Be Dancing
355 Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird
356 Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
357 Sam Cookie - Wonderful World
358 Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl
359 Marvin Gaye, Tammi Terrell - Ain't No Mountain High Enough
360 The Beach Boys - Surfin' U.S.A.
361 The Mamas & The Papas - California Dreamin'
362 The Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
363 The Beatles - Twist And Shout
364 The Beatles - She Loves You
365 The Bobby Fuller Four - I Fought the Law
366 Donovan - Mellow Yellow
367 Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Moon Rising
368 Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
369 Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline
In summer camp in third or fourth grade I had a crush on a girl
named Caroline with hair like fire and freckles like falling leaves. Never saw
her again.
370 Marilyn Manson - KILL4ME
371 Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People
372 Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
373 Marilyn Manson - Fated, Faithful, Fatal
374 Marilyn Manson - Cupid Carries A Gun
375 Ramones - Pet Sematary
376 Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way
377 Radiohead - Karma Police
I consider myself a Buddhist; I "converted" (seems like a
strong word) about a month ago. I do seek to follow the Dharma. nasin sewi pona
li pona.
378 Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music
379 Hombres G - Devuelveme a mi chica
Minus diacritical marks.
380 Tennessee - Te vi correr
381 Owl City - When Can I See You Again?
382 Panic! At The Disco - Sarah Smiles
383 Panic! At The Disco - There's a Good Reason These Tables A[...]
384 Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
385 Twenty One Pilots - Fake You Out
386 Twenty One Pilots - Fairly Local
387 Twenty One Pilots - Polarize
388 Twenty One Pilots - Choker
389 Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire
390 chelmico - Easy Breezy
391 TWRP - Atomic Karate
I can't see TWRP without thinking of the TWilight Recovery
Partition tool for Android devices.
392 The Aquabats! - Cat with 2 Heads!
393 Sex Bob-Omb - Threshold
394 Gorillaz - 19-2000
395 Talking Heads - Burning Down the House
396 Christian French - avalanche
397 Joji - Gimme Love
398 a-ha - Take on Me
399 Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In the Dark
400 Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance with Somebody
401 Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
402 Soft Cell - Tainted Love
403 Huey Lewis & The News - Hip To Be Square
404 Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner
405 Daryl Hall & John Oates - Private Eyes
406 Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
407 Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
408 Daryl Hall & John Oates - You Make My Dreams
409 The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
The only non-creepy Police song.
410 Eurythmics, Annie Lennox, Dave Stewart - Sweet Dreams
411 Daryl Hall & John Oates - I Can't Go for That
412 My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You
413 Shiro SAGISU - ANGEL ATTACK
414 Shiro SAGISU - MISATO
415 Shiro SAGISU - Next Episode
416 Daler Mehndi - Tunak Tunak Tun
417 Mariya Takeuchi - Plastic Love
Something is off because this playlist should have 420 songs.
Whatever. My fingers are tired.
intermission
1 Weezer - Mirror Image
This is my breakup playlist after Usagi and I split.
2 Weezer - Jacked Up
I wanna say April or so 2020? 2021? Probably 2020.
3 Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know?
It hurt and it took me a long time to get over it.
4 Weatherday - Porcelain Hands
5 Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
6 Tame Impala - New Person, Same Old Mistakes
7 AWOLNATION - Table for One
8 The Beatles - For No One
9 Plustwo - Melody (1983 Club Vinyl Mix)
/blah/2023-11-28.html
the the the end end end of of of
end end end of of of the the the
my friends have accepted their fate now
i've found solace in my misery
and the light in their eyes isn't there
and some hope in the emptiness here
how the beauty fades so softly here
but it looks like my soul's failing me
is a testament to what we bear
because i still hold onto my fear
poverty, death in this city life
i met a hobo on north union
seventy hour weeks in fast food
she looked like me with differing clothes
everyone here just keeps suffering
i asked her how she fell in the hole
and i sing to my violent tunes
she said you're already here, you know
(together)
and my metal music plays at night
and the skyline's littered with debris
of a simpler, hospitable time
how the hell will i afford to eat
/blah/2023-11-27.html
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that the strongest ship is a friendship and that if it
isn't canon you can't accept it as part of the lore without noting the caveats.
Rainbow Dash has never actually worked at a factory that ground young fillies
and colts up into rainbows.
/blah/2023-11-25.html
Neon Genesis Evangelion | My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
---------------------------|------------------------------------
Three kids | Six ponies
are taught to harness the weapons only they can use because the
weapons are
their mothers | inside them
. They're assigned this task by the government, lead by
Gendo Ikari | Princess Celestia
, who
have captured God | is God
, because they need to vanquish forces of evil that are
threatening their world. The
kids | ponies
are lead by
Misato Katsuragi | Twilight Sparkle
because only she
recognizes they are human. | can bring the Elements of Harmony
| together with their friendship.
Along the way the
children | ponies
will grow
father apart | closer
due to their shared
trauma | friendship
. You can watch their journey together on
Cartoon Network's Adult | Discovery Family
Swim |
in
2005-2006. | 2010-2019.
/blah/2023-11-24.html
: phones
Phone | Battery | Charging jack
Samsung SCH-R390 | Good | Micro USB-B, no OTG
LG UN280 | Decent | Micro USB-B, no OTG
iPhone SE (2016) | Dismal | Proprietary
Unihertz Titan | Excellent | USB-C PD
Pinephone | Upgradeable | USB-C PD
Punkt MP-02 | Excellent | USB-C but no PD
Google Pixel 3A | Excellent | USB-C PD
Phone | Codecs | Firmware | Headphone jack
Samsung SCH-R390 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary | 3.5mm
LG UN280 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary | 3.5mm
iPhone SE (2016) | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary | 3.5mm
Unihertz Titan | Configurable | Proprietary | 3.5mm
Pinephone | Configurable | Changeable | 3.5mm
Punkt MP-02 | No FLAC, no Vorbis, no VP8 | Proprietary | over USB-C
Google Pixel 3A | Configurable | Proprietary | 3.5mm
Phone | Keyboard | OS | SD | WLAN
Samsung SCH-R390 | Hardware | Proprietary | Micro | No
LG-UN280 | Hardware | Proprietary | Micro | No
iPhone SE (2016) | Software | Proprietary | None | Yes
Unihertz Titan | Hardware | Proprietary | Micro | Yes
Pinephone | Software or hardware | Open | Micro | Yes
Punkt MP-02 | Hardware | Proprietary | None | Yes
Google Pixel 3A | Software | Open | None | Yes
Samsung SCH-R390
Also known as the Freeform 4.
I used this extensively and enjoyed it at the time.
Samsung SCH-R480
Also known as the FreeForm 5.
No significant changes from the FreeForm 4 beyond aesthetics.
LG UN280
Also known as the Freedom II.
I used this extensively and enjoyed it at the time.
iPhone SE (2016)
I used this extensively and despise it.
Unihertz Titan
I used this extensively and despise it.
Bad hardware keyboard (no dollar sign).
Vendor unlawfully non-compliant with GPL 2 licensing on Linux,
for this reason I would avoid this phone like the plague.
Pine64 Pinephone
I love this phone a lot.
Hardware keyboard available as an extension;
hardware keyboard also adds a second battery,
tripling the battery life of the phone.
Firmware is proprietary by default
but the vendor allows using free firmware.
Punkt MP-02
Sucks.
Google Pixel 3A
The official OS is proprietary so I use an old GrapheneOS build.
100% FOSS phone but reliable unlike the Pinephone.
/blah/2023-11-23.html
Today's Thanksgiving in the United States which historically is a holiday of
some sort that I learned about in school and soon forgot because I didn't get
it. The day's significant to me as a day where usually I can find a good bite
to eat for cheap (though this is my first Thanksgiving vegan) and as a day on
which I am reminded how thankful I am for life as it is right now.
I'm thankful for the ceiling above my head and the couch under my feet. The
walls around the room. The warmth. I'm thankful for the people with which I'm
staying allowing me to be here and I'm thankful for their friendship. One I've
known a couple years but it might as well be forever and they've been there for
me however they could when times were dire and all else was far away, despite
us not being super close super often. The other I knew in passing and now I get
to interact with them in person and they're even cooler than I thought they
were from seeing their stuff on-line. I'm thankful to them for allowing me to
stay here, and thankful to them for being friends of mine, and thankful to them
for what they contribute to the world in kindness in general.
I'm thankful for my backpack and what's in it. I have a number of niceties I
could do without, including the laptop on which I'm typing this, and I'm glad I
have these luxuries and for my luck in this. I'm thankful for my luck in
general. There are many who cannot be inside today. Restaurants close on
Thanksgiving and I worry for those who usually refuge with coffee and their
belongings at tables in the darker areas of dining rooms. It's cold outside.
I'm thankful for the food in my belly and the clothes on my back, especially
for how good the food is here and how clean the clothes are that I'm wearing.
I'm thankful for the shirt I'm wearing which was given to me by Usagichan and
I'm thankful for Usagichan's friendship. I'm thankful for my gym pants I use as
pajamas which were given to me by one of the people who let me stay here. I'm
thankful to my employers - there will be three to consider this tax season -
for the wages with which I provide myself the things I need. I'm thankful for
dry socks and showers and being able to sleep in one layer of clothing.
I'm thankful for my girlfriend and its putting up with my distance, not just my
physical distance but my emotional distance. I don't have the words to express
how much I am thankful for it and I am still as amazed by everything it does as
when we first met. I'm thankful for the lessons partners of the past and recent
past have taught me. I'm thankful for the love that is given to me and has
been.
I'm thankful for my sidekick, my roommates' families, my old friends and future
co-conspirators.
I'm thankful for the contributors to the free software I use. Bastien Dejean
for bspwm, q66 for Chimera Linux, Torvalds for Linux, the thousands of
contributors to the bigger projects, particularly Firefox, Xorg, GrapheneOS.
Emma Tebibyte, Marceline Cramer, and Sasha Koshka are people I talk to on-line
and who make programs I use, and I'm thankful for them.
I would not be the person I am today without the generosity of others and I am
humbled by the ease with which good people do amazing things for the world.
/blah/2023-11-22.html
: getting rogue to compile on chimera linux
BUT automatically and from the netbsd source tree because i <3 netbsd
$ git clone https://github.com/NetBSD/src
$ ^C # never mind it's 2GB
$ curl https://raw.githubusercontent.com/NetBSD/src/trunk/games/rogue/Makefile
note to self meli mail client looks pog
nvm im gonna go get high
/blah/2023-11-18.html
One of the details about Slipstream and its universe of media (that I will
eventually get around to expressing) is that computers are largely invisible,
relegated to the spaces in the walls or servers in cities far away.
Technological literacy, like the skill to repair a car or radio, only persists
among the very highly educated so they may design the infrastructure through
which the Restovus live. This is a time that resembles a hundred years ago more
than today, despite being hundreds of years in the future, with minor details
lost in the fog of sight such as entropy being in places reversed. This also
explains airily notions of "magic" and "time travel". Slipstream in particular
is hard to follow in terms of understanding the underlying technologies, but
they're less to understand and more to accept, like all things far from one's
reality.
/blah/2023-11-17.html
installing the internet archive `ia' client
$ python3 -m pip install internetarchive
/blah/2023-11-16.html
: adding a user to feeling.murderu.us, an alpine linux host
https://wiki.alpinelinux.org/wiki/Setting_up_a_new_user
$ scp id_ed25519.pub feeling.murderu.us:/home/trinity/
$ ssh feeling.murderu.us
$ doas su -
# adduser -D user
# adduser user wheel
# mkdir -p /home/user/.ssh
# mv id_ed25519.pub /home/user/
# chown -R user:user /home/user/.ssh
# exit
$ exit
$ exit
/blah/2023-11-15.html
It is hard to cope with happiness. This is the best period of my life ever, bar
none. I have time to learn, discuss, work, clean, I'm wearing clean clothes and
can take regular showers. I don't know how to process it. I've never in my life
been in such a good environment with such good friends and I don't know how to
cope with getting rides everywhere, having meals made for me, my laundry done
by someone else.
I've been very self sufficient for a little while now. I did my laundry at
either a laundromat with money I had earned from work or with my own hands in a
work sink with soap purchased with money I had earned from work. Often the
latter so I could afford to eat food I had prepared with ingredients I had
purchased with money I had earned from work, or food I had prepared during
work. A washing machine doesn't fit in a backpack, nor a dryer, though in a
pinch when walking I could hang clothes off the backpack to get at least a side
of them dry before getting to where I could change out of what I was wearing.
In order to change my clothes I had to find a public bathroom, ideally a Burger
King because I was an employee there but in a pinch if I was fast enough a gas
station would work, put my backpack and clothes on the often dirty floor, and
strip down in a stall or in better cases when a stall was a room a full
restroom. I had to do it fast because gas station attendants and fast food
workers can smell homelessness on you, the hopelessness and stench of hand
washed clothing. It is in the modern era equivalent to smelling addiction and
on occasion I would be accused of taking so long in the bathroom to shoot up
heroin. There was never sympathy or understanding or even acceptance. Because I
was homeless, noticeably so, I was considered subhuman, vermin.
There was no way to take a shower. Gym bathrooms work if you're cisgender or
living in a generally trans-friendly area. I was not. A shower for me was the
bathroom at work, before work, where I used my laundry soap and a bandanna to
swab my arms, face, neck, chest, and armpits. I had to be quick because the
morning workers liked to spread rumors about my being a homeless addict,
an immediately obvious falsehood to those who knew me but slander for those who
didn't. I wasn't troubled that people knew I was homeless because while
violence likes to come for those on the streets, vermin that can be tortured
and killed the same way rats and cockroaches are in apartments, I was charming,
witty, somewhat educated or seemingly, and tried to be as kind as possible to
others. I tried to be a representable member of the unhoused and of the
trannies, to appeal to those cretins with their ceilings and simpler thoughts.
In order to change my clothes, if in the apartment, I take my clothes off and
put different clothes on. In order to take a shower I go to the bathroom, take
my clothes off, and turn the shower tap. Less pain, less ink. Can I get used to
this? Should I? When I see Subarus outside I wonder if I could have survived
the winter. It was cold as fuck sleeping outside in October. Sometimes I wonder
if I did die in that car. If this is heaven. I wonder if I did die in that car
and so now if I am a different person than who entered. I wonder if Toni is
still where I left her in the parking lot, if she's rotting from disuse and if
the cardboard I used to seal the rear window is molding. The picture of Dorian
Grey.
/blah/2023-11-12.html
Happy birthday my dears.
Oedipus
1 Iam nocte Titan dubius expulsa redit
now night Titan doubt expel I return
1 I return at night now to dubious Titan
2 et nube maestus squalida exoritur iubar,
& to cloud sad foul become radiance
2 and to the foul, sorry smog that had become its radiance,
3 lumenque flamma triste luctifica gerens
4 prospiciet avida peste solatas domos,
5 stragemque quam nox fecit ostendet dies.
/blah/2023-11-06.html
Some stuff is failing in Rust. I'll put this stuff here which is part of the
Hearth running processs as a note but I still don't have this working. I got a
job and have been working the last couple days.
$ cargo install cargo-update
$ cargo install cargo-xtask
$ rustup target add wasm32-unknown-unknown
$ git clone https://github.com/hearth-rs/kindling
$ sh -c 'cd kindling; cargo build-root'
I don't remember what I was doing on here. I see these errors:
= note: clang-16: warning: argument unused during compilation: '-no-pie' [-Wu
ld: error: unable to find library -lssl
ld: error: unable to find library -lcrypto
ld: error: unable to find library -lz
clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to se
In installing cargo-update, so I guess I'll try
# apk add openssl-devel # did nothing; is installed
# apk add libssl3 # did nothing; is installed
Okay I give up. Whatever.
--> src/main.rs:23:48
|
23 | if let Ok(val) = if let Ok(val) = reqwest::blocking::get(jasima_remote
|
Cargo.toml:
- reqwest = "0.11"
+ request = { version = "0.11", features = ["blocking"] }
/blah/2023-11-03.html
Rest in peace Jayden Cho-Sargent. 2003-2016.
[05:33] q66: sanchan: that's not a solution and you should not do that
[05:33] q66: libgcc-chimera exists purely for compatibility with prebuilt
binary software
[05:34] q66: you should fix whatever to not link gcc_s instead
FROM: ckie
TO: trinity
SUBJECT: why do thaaattt
DATE: 2023-11-03 05:36:26 +0200
why do thaaattttttttttttttttttttttttt
~>~:::
😭
why do that
Why OD THAT ~???
Why Do that.
That's so evil trinity, you could . Like., Not do that. Please?
[cirno_actually_plays_zelda_in_terminal.png]
WH??? y...y....
🥺 🥹 🥹 🥹 😭
x∅x∅
[return address]
ne hone ronnewrn nenh..n rkmrawr ) :
WA waoo ohoooo o
w hy yyy mREAWmmmmm
cc [...] says u might'v listenef in so hi u hearxd me ig maybe
( only if fae not wearin heapdohn )
FROM: trinity
TO: ckie
SUBJECT: Re: why do thaaattt
DATE: 2023-11-03 07:09:06 +0000
do i have permission to put this on my blah https://trinity.moe/blah/
FROM: ckie
TO: trinity
SUBJECT: Re: why do thaaattt
DATE: 2023-11-03 14:31:44 +0000
sure maybe leave the attachment out it's meow [...]
[...]
Friendship formed! Hell yeah!
Readers should e-mail me stuff I can respond to on my blah like I'm a real
Buzzfeed journalist or as if I was writing the next Dracula. Epistular
storytelling.
$ ssh root@all.evil
ssh: Could not resolve hostname all.evil: Name does not resolve
allevil.org is available but I don't have money to blow on domains right now.
E-mailing entities like ckie is delightful. What is "e-mail" in toki pona?
toki pona la E-mail pi toki inli li seme? Maybe toki lipu kiwen - metal
documented speech? How can uncertainty be represented in toki pona?
They discussed continental philosophy last night at Sangha. I'm gonna need to
read Anti-Oedipus. Or actually Descartes.
There's a project some friends of mine are working on called Hearth. It just
merged in a sister project, Flue, last night. It's written in extraordinarily
clean Rust and is the reason I'm learning Rust. It's going to be a big deal.
$ git clone https://github.com/hearth-rs/hearth
$ cd hearth
$ cargo build
error: failed to run custom build command for `msdfgen-sys v0.2.1`
Caused by:
process didn't exit successfully: `/home/trinity/hearth/target/debug/build/ms
dfgen-sys-3ee3a8b654b57797/build-script-build` (exit status: 101)
--- stderr
thread 'main' panicked at /home/trinity/.cargo/registry/src/index.crates.io-6
f17d22bba15001f/msdfgen-sys-0.2.1/build.rs:33:13:
No prebuilt bindings. Try use `bindgen` feature.
note: run with `RUST_BACKTRACE=1` environment variable to display a backtrace
warning: build failed, waiting for other jobs to finish...
$ cp hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml.orig
$ hearth/crates/font-mud/Cargo.toml.orig \
sed '8c msdfgen = {version = "0.2.1", default-features = false, features = ["bindgen", "ttf-parser", "png"]}'
$ cargo build
error: failed to run custom build command for `msdfgen-sys v0.2.1`
Caused by:
process didn't exit successfully: `/home/trinity/hearth/target/debug/build/ms
dfgen-sys-80b011bd235771f0/build-script-build` (exit status: 101)
--- stdout
cargo:rerun-if-env-changed=TARGET_SYSROOT
cargo:rerun-if-env-changed=CXX_STDLIB
--- stderr
thread 'main' panicked at /home/trinity/.cargo/registry/src/index.crates.io-6
f17d22bba15001f/bindgen-0.63.0/./lib.rs:2338:31:
Unable to find libclang: "the `libclang` shared library at /usr/lib/libclang.
so.16.0.6 could not be opened: Dynamic loading not supported"
note: run with `RUST_BACKTRACE=1` environment variable to display a backtrace
warning: build failed, waiting for other jobs to finish...
$ doas su -
# apk add clang-devel
$ cargo build
$ # [no dice]
/blah/2023-11-02.html
$ ldconfig -p
$
Oh, right. Hm.
https://pkgs.chimera-linux.org/packages > contents > "ldconfig"
ldconfig belongs to apk:musl-progs.
# apk fix musl-progs
fetch https://repo.chimera-linux.org/current/contrib/aarch64/APKINDEX.tar.gz
fetch https://repo.chimera-linux.org/current/main/aarch64/APKINDEX.tar.gz
(1/1) Reinstalling musl-progs (1.2.4-r4)
OK: 2623 MiB in 982 packages
# ls -l $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx 1 root root 4 Nov 2 09:48 /bin/ldconfig -> true
Hm.
# unlink /bin/ldconfig
# ls -l $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx 1 root root 4 Nov 2 09:49 /bin/ldconfig -> true
Uh. I guess I'll ask OFTC#chimera-linux.
This being caused by a system upgrade would explain the initial timestamp of
yesterday at 1700, when probably I ran `# apk -U upgrade` out of habit. I can't
find much on the package browser or anything so I guess I'll just wait for
somepony to get back to me on IRC.
[09:52] sanchan: hey how come ldconfig is linked to true by musl-progs?
[09:53] sanchan: i think this happened after a recent update. i'm on aarch64
but a $ unlink /bin/ldconfig; doas apk fix musl-progs re-links
ldconfig->true
[10:17] q66: it's supposed to be, what else would it be
[10:18] q66: it always was too
[10:46] sanchan: i'm trying to get some rust stuff working and cargo is failing
to compile a C dependency for lack of -lgcc_s
[10:46] sanchan: i installed gcc-chimera or whatever it's called but still no
dice
[10:47] q66: okay
[10:48] sanchan: ,/lib/libgcc_s.so.1 exists so it seems like an ldconfig issue,
online troubleshooting said ldconfig -p might tell me what's
going on
[10:49] sanchan: this isn't my area of expertise
[10:49] q66: i don't understand how you get to that conclusion
[10:49] q66: ldconfig isn't a thing with musl
[10:49] q66: libgcc_s isn't a thing with compiler-rt
[10:49] sanchan: blindly following troubleshooting guides
[10:49] sanchan: i see
[10:51] q66: glibc has a dynamic linker cache for library lookups, ldconfig
controls that cache
[10:51] q66: musl doesn't have a cache
[10:52] q66: that's why ldconfig is a symlink to true
[10:52] q66: so that when something hardcodes calling it, it's a noop
[10:54] sanchan: interesting
[10:55] sanchan: cargo must just not be checking the right dirs or something.
i'll play around with it
[10:55] sanchan: thank you!
[10:55] q66: <@q66> libgcc_s isn't a thing with compiler_rt
[10:55] q66: something hardcoding lgcc_s is wrong
[10:55] q66: it shouldn't be doing that
The Chimera Linux IRC channel is really valuable for figuring out system
weirdness but I always feel weird bugging the Professionals^TM for my awful
computer issues.
Rust tickles my brain so I'm gonna work on that instead of this.
Rust says: Package openssl was not found in the pkg-config search path.
I say: # apk add openssl-devel
And so it worked.
Rust says: = note: ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s
I say: Shit.
Okay, so this is an ld error (actually an error in that -lgcc_s shouldn't be
required but whatever).
fn jasima_get() -> Result {
if let Ok(val) = if let Ok(val) = reqwest::blocking::get(jasima_remote()) {
let file = File::create(jasima_local());
file.write_all(val.text());
Ok(val.text())
} else if let Ok(val) = read_to_string(jasima_local()) {
Ok(val)
} else {
Err("Unavailable")
} {
json::parse(val)
} else {
Err("Unavailable")
}
}
MARS: That should compile, but also, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm never going back to C.
Marcie checked out my cargo stuff and said "Hmm. Wack" or the equivalent dog
noise.
Burgered king; regiphagia.
Beat Mars at 2048. I feel accomplished. Also I got a job today.
I am just sort of here. I don't live here or anywhere else or anywhere in
particular and just come with my hosts when they do cool stuff and chip in
however I can in terms of housework or finances. This is a really pleasing
existence but I can't help thinking I can and should be doing more.
$ ld -L/usr/lib -lgcc_s
ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s
https://stackoverflow.com/questions/335928/ld-cannot-find-an-existing-library
>A quick hack is to symlink libmagic.so.1 to libmagic.so
# ln -s /usr/lib/libgcc_s.so.1 /usr/lib/libgcc_s.so
# ^D
$ ld -L/usr/lib -lgcc_s
ld: warning: cannot find entry symbol _start; not setting start address
You're fucking shitting me.
We're all just chilling in Samsara.
/blah/2023-11-01.html
Rabbit rabbit.
$ doas su -
# apk del rust cargo
# ^D
$ curl --proto '=https' --tlsv1.2 https://sh.rustup.rs -sSf >rustup.sh
$ more <rustup.sh # DO NOT PIPE CURL INTO SH!!!
$ sh rustup.sh
I went with a default installation because whatever. I just hope this doesn't
fuck up my system because I quite like my system as it's installed.
$ . .cargo/env
$ rustc --version
Error loading shared library libgcc_s.so.1: No such file or directory (needed b
Error loading shared library libgcc_s.so.1: No such file or directory (needed b
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Error relocating /home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unknown-linux-
Hmmm.
$ doas su -
# apk add libgcc-chimera
# ^D
$ rustc --version
rustc 1.73.0 (cc66ad468 2023-10-03)
Cool.
Consultation with hosts: print!("{}", var); uses the display trait of var while
print!("{:?}", var); uses the debug trait of var.
At night I like to look around and feel the air on my skin. The air is still
but flowing because this place is well ventilated yet well heated and feels
nice, is a nice temperature. I like to look around at the walls and how they
blend into the ceiling, distinct only by texture and shade. There are no gaps
between them. Nor between the wall and the floor. The walls are clean here. So
is the floor. So is the ceiling. There are fire alarms and carbon monoxide
detectors and blinds on the windows and the air is nice but most importantly
the space is so big. A month ago I was waking up in a car, freezing. I was
freezing because the car had nearly no insulation and nearly no ventilation, so
my breath would condense onto any object that had some warmth to give it like
the windows or my blankets or sleeping bag. The condensation would cool me in
the night. I would wake up often in the very early morning hours shivering and
unable to get warm, kept awake by Kami insisting we not fall asleep or we could
die of hypothermia. I'd read Alias Grace or another book on my tablet, the
glass cold to the touch and foggy, wishing I was somewhere else, somewhere far
away where I couldn't touch the clean ceiling even if I stretched my arm out to
as far away as my fingertips could reach. Now I am here, the place of which I
dreamed. The walls are so far away and yet the air here, so much air, is so
warm. It's comfortable. I'm laying on a couch which is comfortable and using my
laptop comfortably and using wall electricity and laying in warmth and there's
a sink in this room or adjacent to get water on demand and there is fucking
laundry! I can do my fucking laundry! I can take a shower when I wish to! And
every night out of joy I cry myself to sleep. I sob like a little piss baby,
muffling my cries with my mouth or my will or when those fail the sleeping bag
in which I lay because I'm terrified that I will be back on the street again
and without the car and unable to get comfortable on hard surfaces anymore.
I met Toni in February, a 1999 green Subaru Forester or Forrester or something.
She was driven by my sidekick and in fine shape except for some difficulties
making it up hills. At the time my sidekick was considerably less so and I was
coming off some bad decisions with drugs and we were discussing some stuff and
I was in love with that car but never thought I would end up living in it. The
best weekend I'd ever lived.
I met Toni in a different light in September or so. I'd slept near a pile of
nearly unidentifiable corpses, the same hill about a hundred paces away, and
then went to work and pretended I hadn't. Then I scootered a ways down a hill
and up another to a different Burger King than the one at which I had worked
and crawled through the rear of the car, fringed with broken glass which did
cut me once or twice, and slept in the passenger seat in my sleeping bag. It
wasn't comfortable compared to where I am now but it was better than any of the
places I'd tried to sleep over that week and I got nine or so hours. I woke up
and went to work, the other Burger King, chipper. None of my coworkers knew I
was homeless but I didn't hide it. When I was homeless (technically I still am)
in Lewiston I wanted to actually let people know I was homeless because I
dispelled a lot of classic stereotypes about homeless people - I was educated,
sober, and employed. But rent money is not simply money but money in a bulk I
didn't have. The purpose of that job was to get the money to get where I am now
but I still can't believe I am actually here.
Sometimes when I close my eyes I see them, the corpses torn apart by something
of the forest, and I feel the exhaustion that rooted itself into my bones. And
I wake up and I'm hear under a clean ceiling and the walls are so far away. In
Toni I couldn't sit up without hitting my head, I had to duck or bend my back
somehow. I couldn't extend my legs. Here I can extend my legs however I want in
whatever direction I want. And pee as soon as I wake up.
I feel so fucked. My body is safe but my mind will not stop feeling like there
is something from which to run. I can't forget what I saw and what I felt and
who I was and what I did and being chased and losing trails and playing with
trails and tracers and the falling down hills and sirens and sillhouettes in
red and blue and making my way through dark alleys full of knives and shopping
knives and losing knives and cutting, others and myself, and biting belts as I
repaired my own mechanical faults and shocking myself until I forgot why and
waking up to screaming and waking up to screaming and waking up to screaming.
This is peace. What is peace?
Peace is the two library books I've read and returned since getting a library
card here. What If (2014) and What If 2 (2022). Neither really books I needed
to read or was recommended. Just books I wanted to enjoy. Peace is learning
Rust to contribute to friends' projects, using my laptop, drinking clean water
straight from the tap. Peace is riding in the car behind a few of the smartest
people I know who seem happy I'm here and safe, or at least that my body is
safe, but I don't tell them about the memories I can't get out of my head, just
the memories that haunt me but that are allowed to escape, to be forgotten
momentarily, that alone haunt my hosts. I still feel like I'm in the car
sometimes. I feel the old seat felt against the backs of my arms as I come to
from my sleeping bag. I see my breath fog in front of me. I don't but I do, I
see without seeing. Kami shakes me until I wake up. It's not safe. But it's
never safe, it's never safe because I'm still in the car and the lights are
pouring through the windows but it's the sun's light and it's through apartment
windows and it is safe here but it's not safe because the light is pouring
through the windows and I can be seen and someone is about to start yelling
that they will kill me because they don't see me as human and this was the only
secluded place I could find but it's not secluded because it's a floor behind a
locked door but it's not secluded so it's not safe and I'm taking up too much
space so my hosts are going to hate me but they tell me I can take up more
space certainly but I'm taking up too much space.
And I just want to go to sleep. I want peace. Peace was taken from me by those
who wage war on the proletariat. Whatever. I'm too tired. Could this even be
real? What happy existence? Am I really allowed to relax? Isn't it a trick?
o tenpo pimejo pona
= note: ld: error: unable to find library -lgcc_s
clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to se
e invocation)
error: could not compile `clap_derive` (lib) due to previous error
# apk add gcc-aarch64-none-elf
# ^D
$ cargo run
Compiling clap_derive v4.4.7
error: linking with `cc` failed: exit status: 1
|
= note: LC_ALL="C" PATH="/home/trinity/.rustup/toolchains/stable-aarch64-unkn
[many lines abridged]
Okay, so Rust is having issues with the lack of gcc here. It kinda sucks that
clap is using C stuff. I'm not sure if I should get this C stuff working first
or switch to a pure Rust argument parser.
Looking at this command line, it's LC_ALL=C PATH=[...] VSLANG=1033 cc [and then
a whole bunch of bogus] [cflags] -lgcc_s lc [and then more cflags]. What
provides gcc_s?
$ ls /lib | grep gcc
drwxr-xr-x root root 4.0 KB Fri Sep 8 05:26:01 2023 gcc
.rwxr-xr-x root root 70 KB Wed Oct 25 16:41:53 2023 libgcc_s.so.1
Presumably libgcc_s.so.1 was put there by libgcc-chimera (I'm not gonna bother
checking). I'm just gonna search this error text because I'm not sure why the C
compiler wouldn't be checking /lib.
$ ldconfig -p
$ ldconfig
$ ldconfig --help
$ echo $?
0
$ ls $(which ldconfig)
lrwxrwxrwx root root 4 B Tue Oct 31 17:08:41 2023 🔖 /bin/ldconfig ⇒ true
Hahahahhahahaha. What. Where's ldconfig?!?!?!?!?!?!! I would assume this is the
root of the issue at hand.
At my most boring I have wished for a life worse than the one I have now. This
is the most enjoyable my life has ever been and yet it is unrelentingly
chaotic and I don't know how to get the pieces to fit. I feel irredeemable and
unable to relate to anyone or anything except perhaps a pebble being kicked
across the asphalt of the road or leaves falling off the trees, ripening,
wrinkling, from a soothing green to a reminder of the loss of youth.
One day I expected rain overnight so I slept in the passenger seat so I could
see the rain fall down the windshield. It was a view I had romanticized in my
head, one I wanted to pause and view for eternity. My sidekick did not. They
have places to go and things to do naturally so when it happened that we were
caught in rain and got to see rain fall over Toni we watched for a moment or
two and then drove onward toward the future, beckoning it without letting it
take its time. I was excited to be able to take this moment, though
unfortunately in solitude, at the pace by which I wanted to experience it. So I
fell asleep against the bitter cold of that parking lot and awoke to the pitter
patter of droplets against the glass before me and that was peaceful and I was
for a moment happy. But then I heard a colder, shriller tap from behind, and
turned around to find the cover for the rear window I'd fashioned out of
cardboard and plastic leaking by the seams, forming a puddle that would
inevitably fill with mildew and rot. I stared at this and realized my time in
Toni was limited. Toni would mildew, rot, and disintegrate, as had all my
relationships and all of my chances at housing.
After work I got back to the car and the puddle in the back was bad but in
getting into the car I had left my wet boots on the floor of the passenger seat
so the back was the only place in which I could sleep. My head curved away from
the active dripping I heard the clack clack behind me of rain making its way
through half a dozen layers of duct tape and mockig me before I sat up and just
fucking broke down. I couldn't stay in Toni but couldn't stay anywhere else and
I was out of options and just so fucking tired and cold and damp. There was no
one to comfort me and no solace to be had. My sidekick had left for another
style of adventure, everyone in my life had been either implicitly or
explicitly transphobic towards me, and I had inconsistent access to electricity
and clean water and hadn't showered in a week. It was the lowest point of my
life. To be wet and unable to be dry, to be cold and unable to be warm, to be
so tired and unable to sleep, to be so alone with nobody left. I sobbed like a
baby and didn't care who could hear me, the rain covered the sound and whomever
it revealed my cries could kill me for all I cared - I did genuinely want
someone to just open the car door and stab me, clutch me in a warm embrace and
spill my hot blood over me so I could just be warm for one fatal instant.
Nobody came. I fell asleep.
And from this dream I wake up to a ceiling so high and a floor so dry and air
unknowing of the sound of dripping agony but acclimated to my sobs which,
though muffled, do still call silently into the night after my hosts have
hopefully fallen asleep. And I don't know how to process being thrown from the
frigid shackles in which I'd been locked into the shocking freedom of domestic
cookie cutter monotony. I don't know how to fathom the stillness. I no longer
need to run but my muscles refuse to atrophy, instead slowly cycling in my
slumber lest I rise back to the street and to another abandoned car in another
parking lot. The gray pavement on which parking lots are drawn knows me better
than any four walls. Ceiling is not my usual blanket.
/blah/2023-10-31.html
: trinity writes a rust hello world
Where I now find myself living (though to say I live here would be a lie) I am
surrounded by a couple of the smartest people I know, and through some days of
wearing me down I am donning the programmer socks and writing a Rust Hello
World program.
I am now actually wearing thigh highs.
# apk add rust
I don't actually know how to get the Rust build system going but this seems
like the best option so I'll go with this which is already packaged for
Chimera.
Oh, I'll need cargo(1) too.
# apk add cargo
One of my friends built the Rust book PDF for me which is nice because I can
consult it on my tablet while programming on the laptop.
>Foreword
>It wasn't always so clear, but the Rust programming language is fundamentally
>about *empowerment*...
Okay, I get why so many chan-types are so against Rust. But seeing how people
who know Rust use Rust I am sort of starting to get it. It's a high level
language that can be used well for systems programming, basically?
>To check whether you have Rust installed correctly, open a shell and enter
>this line:
$ rustc --version
Okay.
rustc 1.73.0 (cc66ad468 2023-10-03) (Chimera Linux)
Awesome!
I don't have rustup so I can't read the Rust docs but I'll probably be around a
web browser when programming so I think it's fine?
Rust wants me to make a Hello, World! to start, but that's not super practical
code for me. I think I'm gonna start smaller and make a true(1) implementation.
```rs
fn main() {
}
```
Works.
```rs
```
Does not work; there's no `main` function so the program doesn't know how to
execute:
error[E0601]: `main` function not found in crate `r#true`
|
= note: consider adding a `main` function to `true.rs`
error: aborting due to previous error
For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0601`.
I really like the `rustc --explain` thing, this reminds me of Shellcheck.
Compare to the clang error message when compiling the same file:
ld: error: undefined symbol: main
>>> referenced by crt1.c:18 (../crt/crt1.c:18)
>>> /lib/Scrt1.o:(_start_c)
>>> referenced by crt1.c:18 (../crt/crt1.c:18)
>>> /lib/Scrt1.o:(_start_c)
clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to see invocati
on)
There's a lot going on here that the beginner (or even proficient C programmer)
doesn't know and doesn't know how to start to know.
Alright, what about this:
```rs
fn main();
```
error: free function without a body
--> true.rs:1:1
|
1 | fn main();
| ^^^^^^^^^-
| |
| help: provide a definition for the function: `{ <body> }`
error: aborting due to previous error
Okay, so `fn main() { }` seems to be the simplest way to do this. How do I
return an exit code explicitly, though, so I can make a false(1)
implementation?
It was at this point one of the people I know who knows Rust came by and I told
them how I was coming along and they were really supportive of my very meager
progress.
I found some stuff here:
https://doc.rust-lang.org/std/process/struct.ExitCode.html
So instead of understanding everything that's happening I'll try just plugging
some code in, StackOverflow style:
```rs
use std::process::ExitCode;
fn main() -> ExitCode {
ExitCode::from(0)
}
```
TRIN: Can I name you in my blog? Or should I keep saying "it was at this point
one of the people with which I'm staying walked through on its pacing
route"?
MARS: You can say Mars, that's fine.
TRIN: So you can put a constant on the last line of a function
without a trailing semicolon to return that value?
MARS [paraphrased]: Yeah. It's less to say, "return that value" than it is to
say "this function has this value". Rust is a functional
language disguised as a procedural language.
Okay, that fucks. ExitCode has a SUCCESS constant I could also use, meaning the
equivalent to C's `E_OK` or whatever the constant provided by stdio.h is, but
I'm wary about using a library-defined constant less it changes because POSIX
does not change (much). So I think this is a good Rust true(1) implementation.
It can be found in src/true/true.rs. And src/false/false.rs:
```rs
use std::process::ExitCode;
fn main() -> ExitCode {
ExitCode::from(1)
}
```
I just had supper which was delicious, vegan hot dogs and some macaroni my
hosts had left over. They are really delightful.
Now I wanna make echo(1). This will serve as my HelloWorld as it uses stdout
printing and, beyond the usual HelloWorld, very light argument handling. The
book mentions cargo(1) which I will be using but for now I'll stick to single
.rs files because echo(1) shouldn't have any dependencies.
It looks like std::env will give me stuff relating to arguments, std::env::args
or std::env::args_os. According to StackOverflow the difference is in typing.
I've heard docs.rs has some documentation but looking at the site it looks like
it only documents third party cargo crates, which are like C libraries but (I
think) included per-project so as to not muck up the system (I hope). I looked
up "rust std env" and found docs.rust-lang.org which has /std/env which was
what I needed.
The Rust documentation summarizes more thoroughly but, basically, an OsString,
the type instances of which are iterated through by (oh my god this sentence is
a prepositional mess I give up) an OsString is a fat pointer or whatever the
Rust equivalent is while a String is probably just a nul-terminated sequence of
bytes. Implementation-defined of course but Rust documentation notes that
OsString should be converted to a CStr before being used in UNIX system calls.
A nice detail I'm happy to know! I shouldn't have to do any string conversion;
echo(1) should spit out *exactly* what it's given (opinion; implementations
differ) just with space delimiting and newline ending. Hopefully there's a way
for me to print out an OsString without conversion or anything. I need to `use
std::ffi::{OsStr, OsString};` or something like that I think but I'm gonna try
with just `use std::env;` at first.
The use of echo(1) is defined for argc<2 (print a newline alone; argc can be
zero without consequence here) and argc>=2, so it won't be necessary to return
a value from main(), Rust can just use the default successful value.
It looks like OsStr and OsString are from std::ffi which provides tools for FFI
bindings. This also notes that the Rust String is also fat and not nul
-terminated. It looks like the difference is that OsString represents an "owned
platform string" and an OsStr represents a "borrowed reference to a platform
string". This, I think, relates to memory management and a Borrow Checker
(spooky) about which I haven't gotten around to learning. Rust's std::ffi is
fascinating but while learning Rust I wanna be doing things oxidatiously or
whatever and not doing a thin Rust wrapper and then my usual C bullshit. One of
the things about Rust that excites me is that it seems to be able to make
guarantees about project stability C can't but I don't know much about that
except the stuff Mars has shown me that I don't quite understand.
So how do I iterate through env::args_os? According to its reference page,
```rs
use std::env;
fn main() {
for argument in env::args_os() {
println!("{argument:?}");
}
}
```
Wow! What the fuck is a println!? According to the Rust book all we need to
know is that the `!` suffix is some Hungarian notation esque marker that
println!() is a macro. The Rust documentation provides a definition, I think,
of println:
```rs
macro_rules! println {
() => { ... };
($($arg:tt)*) => { ... };
}
```
I think the `{ ... }` notes abridged portions and the [...]` => { ... };`
indicates that one case is triggered by println receiving no arguments and the
other case is triggered by println receiving any other amount of arguments. I
don't know if this is actual code or anything but yeah uh... Rust macros. Cool.
What I was actually interested in is how to print without a newline. I think
there's a macro for that too.
```rs
macro_rules! print {
($($arg:tt)*) => { ... };
}
```
Interesting. The documentation notes:
>Prints to the standard output.
>
>Equivalent to the `println!` macro except that a newline is not printed at the
>end of the message.
>Note that stdout is frequently line-buffered by default so it may be necessary
>to use `io::stdout().flush()` to ensure the output is emitted immediately.
I like the note that `fflush(stdout);` is needed because this bites C beginners
a lot when writing stuff that does something like `printf("> ");
fgets([...]);`.
I see stuff in here about `.unwrap()` and `stdout().lock()` but I hope I don't
need that because I don't understand it yet. I'm just gonna use print!. So how
do I print! an OsString? And how do I handle argc<2?
The book chapter 12 actually touches on a lot of this and I stumbled upon it
looking at std::env stuff. Here's a test I can run from the book:
```rs
use std::env;
fn main() {
let args: Vec<String> = env::args().collect();
dbg!(args);
}
```
I'll modify that a little:
```rs
use std::env;
fn main() {
let args: Vec<OsString> = env::args().collect();
dbg!(args);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0412]: cannot find type `OsString` in this scope
--> echo.rs:4:19
|
4 | let args: Vec<OsString> = env::args().collect();
| ^^^^^^^^
--> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/alloc/src/string.rs:365:1
|
= note: similarly named struct `String` defined here
|
help: a struct with a similar name exists
|
4 | let args: Vec<String> = env::args().collect();
| ~~~~~~
help: consider importing this struct
|
1 + use std::ffi::OsString;
|
error: aborting due to previous error
For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0412`.
Okay.
$ sed -e '1a use std::ffi::OsString' <echo.rs >echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.2.rs
error[E0277]: a value of type `Vec<OsString>` cannot be built from an iterator
over elements of type `String`
--> echo.rs:5:43
|
5 | let args: Vec<OsString> = env::args().collect();
| ^^^^^^^ value of type `Vec<OsStri
ng>` cannot be built from `std::iter::Iterator<Item=String>`
|
= help: the trait `FromIterator<String>` is not implemented for `Vec<OsString>`
= help: the trait `FromIterator<T>` is implemented for `Vec<T>`
note: required by a bound in `collect`
--> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/core/src/iter/traits/iterator.rs:2049:5
error: aborting due to previous error
For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0277`
Oh shit, I forgot to change env::args to env::os_args.
$ sed -e '5s.args.os_args.' <echo.2.rs >echo.rs
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0425]: cannot find function `os_args` in module `env`
--> echo.rs:5:36
|
5 | let args: Vec<OsString> = env::os_args().collect();
| ^^^^^^^ help: a function with a similar
name exists: `args_os`
--> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/env.rs:793:1
|
= note: similarly named function `args_os` defined here
error: aborting due to previous error
For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0425`.
Oops.
$ sed -e '5s.os_args.args_os.' <echo.rs >echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.2.rs
$
So presumably it compiled.
$ ./echo
[echo.rs:6] args = [
"./echo",
]
Okay, that debug macro is kinda awesome. The 500K binary makes me kinda weirded
out, what's the size of the actual echo.c (which is the complete program) when
compiled for arm64 (my current architecture)?
.rwxr-xr-x trinity trinity 9.8 KB Tue Oct 31 21:01:27 2023 🏗 a.out
This output is prettier than usual because I'm using lsd(1), a reimplementation
of the standard POSIX ls(1). My girlfriend in Florida uses it and it's really
pleasant and color codes some stuff in a way that's very useful.
10K is a lot less than half a meg. I wonder if Rust is statically compiling
versus relying on system library stuff. I don't wanna bother looking this up so
I'll go ask Mars.
Its door is closed so I'll look this up. "why are rust binaries so big" popped
up a StackOverflow post that started with "Rust uses static linking" so that
answers my question. I would assume a statically linked C executable would be
about that big, from memory I think this is true but don't wanna bother testing
because I don't have the energy to look up clang arguments.
$ cc -static echo.c
ld: error: unable to find library -l:libunwind.a
ld: error: unable to find library -latomic
ld: error: unable to find library -lc
clang-16: error: linker command failed with exit code 1 (use -v to see invocati
on)
Yeah, I'm not sorting that out, I'm not building C stuff on here to distribute.
I think vec.len() will tell me how many arguments I've received?
```rs
use std::env;
use std::ffi::OsString;
fn main() {
let args: Vec<OsString> = env::args_os().collect();
dbg!(args);
dbg!(args.len());
}
```
$ rm echo.2.rs
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0382]: borrow of moved value: `args`
--> echo.rs:7:10
|
5 | let args: Vec<OsString> = env::args_os().collect();
| ---- move occurs because `args` has type `Vec<OsString>`, which doe
s not implement the `Copy` trait
6 | dbg!(args);
| ---------- value moved here
7 | dbg!(args.len());
| ^^^^ value borrowed here after move
|
error: aborting due to previous error
For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0382`.
Okay, so now I'm talking to the borrow checker. Maybe if I assign the length to
a variable it'll work? I don't know what I'm doing.
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;
fn main() {
let args: Vec<OsString> = args_os().collect();
let argc = args.len();
dbg!(args);
dbg!(argc);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
$ ./echo
[echo.rs:7] args = [
"./echo",
]
[echo.rs:8] argc = 1
Okay. I don't know why that works but it does. Something to do with memory
management. That's not a big deal to me because I understand when I do fucky
wucks like
```py
try: print("c = " + str(
(float(input("a = ")) ** 2
+ float(input("b = ")) ** 2)
** 0.5))
except ValueError: print("input must be a number")
except: pass
```
there's a lot of memory shit happening behind the scenes I don't have to worry
about, unlike in the equivalent C where I would have to handle buffer overflows
(I personally would toss the excess and skip to the newline) and string to
float conversion. Rust requiring some steps Python wouldn't makes sense to me
because while Rust is less pedantic it doesn't lie to me (much).
Let me try something now:
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;
fn main() {
let argv: Vec<OsString> = args_os.collect();
let argc = argv.len();
if argc < 2 {
println!();
} else {
dbg!(argv);
}
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
$ ./echo | hexdump -C
00000000 0a |.|
00000001
$ ./echo piss shit
[echo.rs:11] argv = [
"./echo",
"piss",
"shit",
]
Cool stuff. I don't think Rust has ternaries so I'm not gonna be able to do
language tricks to make the code really compact like my C implementation:
```c
#include <stdio.h> /* NULL, fprintf(3), putc(3) */
#include <stdlib.h> /* stdout */
#include <sysexits.h> /* EX_OK */
int main(int argc, char **argv){
if(*argv == NULL || *++argv == NULL){
argc = 1;
putc('\n', stdout);
}
while(--argc)
fprintf(stdout, "%s%c", *(argv++), argc > 1 ? ' ' : '\n');
return EX_OK;
}
```
Something I really like is that whereas in C I note what I use from headers in
comments like a total tool, Rust lets me bring individual structures and
functions in so I can keep track of my dependencies in code alone.
I wonder if I can
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
fn main() {
let argc = args_os().collect().len();
dbg!(argc);
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0282]: type annotations needed
--> echo.rs:5:26
|
4 | let argc = args_os().collect().len();
| ^^^^^^^ cannot infer type of the type parameter `B
` declared on the method `collect`
|
help: consider specifying the generic argument
|
4 | let argc = args_os().collect::<Vec<_>>().len();
| ++++++++++
error: aborting due to previous error; 1 warning emitted
For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0282`.
Okay, how about
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;
fn main() {
let argc = args_os().collect::Vec<OsString>().len();
dbg!(argc);
}
```
I guess function::type() specifies the type of which function should be
returning. That sort of makes sense? C doesn't have generic functions like that
but I think I understand some of what's happening there.
$ rustc echo.rs
error: generic parameters without surrounding angle brackets
--> echo.rs:5:35
|
5 | let argc = args_os().collect::Vec<OsString>().len();
| ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
|
help: surround the type parameters with angle brackets
|
5 | let argc = args_os().collect::<Vec<OsString>>().len();
| + +
error: aborting due to previous error
Okay. I'm changing that without copying my code because I'm not motivated to do
so. Also the actual errors are probably not byte-for-byte if for whatever
reason you're following along at home (why would you? I don't know what I'm
doing) because my code actually has a ton of snippets commented out so I don't
need to retype everything.
I made the changes it suggested and the program works. Neat. But do I need that
local variable?
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::ffi::OsString;
fn main() {
if args_os().collect::<Vec<OsString>>().len() < 2 {
println!();
} else {
}
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$
No I don't! Only if I'm using it more than once, which makes sense. I'd like to
forego println!() though because I have a feeling this prelude-provided macro
will do platform-specific things and differ on NT vs UNIX due to line ending
conventions. I don't like that for a program that's supposed to follow POSIX.
It looks like std::io::Stdout exists so I'm gonna use that and put a lock on
std::stdout so I can write to it. I think this works?
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;
fn main() {
let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
if args_os().collect::<Vec<OsString>>().len() < 2 {
stdout.write(b"\n"); // Rust wants a 'b' prefix
} else {
}
}
```
$ rustc echo.rs
warning: unused `Result` that must be used
--> echo.rs:8:9
|
8 | stdout.write(b"\n");
| ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
|
= note: this `Result` may be an `Err` variant, which should be handled
= note: `#[warn(unused_must_use)]` on by default
help: use `let _ = ...` to ignore the resulting value
|
8 | let _ = stdout.write(b"\n");
| +++++++
warning: 1 warning emitted
Okay, a note that I should handle the possibility of an error. I don't know how
to do that so I won't, like a true in-the-field professional.
I guess b"\n" is a Rust byte string. I don't think it's super important just
yet for me to know what that is so I'm gonna assume I'm fine.
I'm feeling devious.
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;
fn main() {
let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
if args_os().collect::<Vec<OsString>>().len() >= 2 {
for argument in args_os() {
stdout.write(argument);
stdout.write(b" ");
}
}
stdout.write(b"\n")
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error[E0308]: mismatched types
--> echo.rs:9:26
|
9 | stdout.write(argument);
| ----- ^^^^^^^^ expected `&[u8]`, found `OsString`
| |
| arguments to this method are incorrect
|
note: method defined here
--> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/io/mod.rs:1461:8
error: aborting due to previous error
For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0308`.
So I could look up how to turn an OsString into a `&[u8]` but I need to know
what that is because echo(1) shouldn't be dependent on "proper input" (UTF-1
should work as well as UTF-8). I checked the std::ffi::OsString methods but
none of them really told me anything I think I can use so I'm gonna look at
std::io.
Looking at the primitive u8, it's an 8-bit unsigned integer which should be
fine for my uses. The method into_os_str_bytes() should work to convert
std::ffi::OsString into a Vec<u8> but the documentation notes that this is
"a nightly-only experimental API". Whatever, probably fine.
```rs
use std::env::args_os;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
use std::ffi::OsString;
fn main() {
let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
if args_os().collect::<Vec<OsString>>().len() >= 2 {
for argument in args_os() {
stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
stdout.write(b" ");
}
}
stdout.write(b"\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error[E0658]: use of unstable library feature 'os_str_bytes'
--> echo.rs:9:35
|
9 | stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
| ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
|
= note: see issue #111544 <https://github.com/rust-lang/rust/issues/111544> f
or more information
error[E0308]: mismatched types
--> echo.rs:9:26
|
9 | stdout.write(argument.into_os_str_bytes());
| ----- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ expected `&[u8]`, fou
nd `Vec<u8>`
| |
| arguments to this method are incorrect
|
= note: expected reference `&[u8]`
found struct `Vec<u8>`
note: method defined here
--> /builddir/rust-1.73.0/library/std/src/io/mod.rs:1461:8
help: consider borrowing here
|
9 | stdout.write(&argument.into_os_str_bytes());
| +
error: aborting due to 2 previous errors
Some errors have detailed explanations: E0308, E0658.
For more information about an error, try `rustc --explain E0308`.
Okay, I'll add that ampersand the borrow checker desires. I'm not sure how this
works still.
$ rustc echo.rs
error[E0658]: use of unstable library feature 'os_str_bytes'
--> echo.rs:9:36
|
9 | stdout.write(&argument.into_os_str_bytes());
| ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
|
= note: see issue #111544 <https://github.com/rust-lang/rust/issues/111544> f
or more information
error: aborting due to previous error
For more information about this error, try `rustc --explain E0658`.
So how do I use an unstable library feature? I'll use the rustc facilities.
$ rustc --explain E0658
This brought me into a manual snippet shown in my configured pager (I think)
with instructions on how to add a feature flag. I then did what it said and
wasn't anywhere better so I wonder if there's another way to turn an OsString
into a &[u8].
Then Mars came into the room and greeted me and I asked it how to make this
shit work. Apparently an issue is I'm running stable rustc and in order to use
nightly rustc stuff I need nightly rustc provided by using rustup instead of
the packaged rust toolchain. I don't really wanna do that but I also don't
really wanna give up so I think I'm just gonna make this a shitty echo(1)
implementation that limits input to UTF-8. But first I wanna see how someone
else has done this already.
https://github.com/uutils/coreutils.git src/uu/echo/src/echo.rs L119:
>pub fn uumain(args: impl uucore::Args) -> UResult<()> {
> let args = args.collect_lossy();
> let matches = uu_app().get_matches_from(args);
>
> let no_newline = matches.get_flag(options::NO_NEWLINE);
> let escaped = matches.get_flag(options::ENABLE_BACKSLASH_ESCAPE);
> let values: Vec<String> = match matches.get_many::<String>(options::STRING
) {
> Some(s) => s.map(|s| s.to_string()).collect(),
> None => vec![String::new()],
> };
>
> execute(no_newline, escaped, &values)
> .map_err_context(|| "could not write to stdout".to_string())
>}
Those rat bastards did std::env::args.collect_lossy()! Those utter tools! I
imagine this doesn't work for binary data but I don't know and I'm not building
this because I don't wanna figure out how to right now.
Everyone is going to sleep now except me so I now feel like I need to get an
echo(1) implementation working on this, the first day I've actually started to
learn Rust. I'm just gonna go with std::env::args and Strings.
Mars also mentioned some Rust types stuff, namely &[u8] being a borrowed slice
of u8s or something. I sort of got it and sort of didn't, I did at the time I
just forgot. Sorry!
Also it came back out after I wrote that to greet me and then promptly
disappeared.
This spits out a lot of warnings:
```rs
use std::env::args;
use std::io::{Write, stdout};
fn main() {
let mut stdout = stdout().lock();
if args().collect::<Vec<String>>().len() >= 2 {
for argument in args() {
stdout.write(&argument.as_bytes());
stdout.write(b" ");
}
}
stdout.write(b"\n");
}
```
This is nice but print!() handles errors I think so I'm just going back to
that.
```rs
use std::env::args;
fn main() {
if args().collect::<Vec<String>>().len() >= 2 {
for argument in args() {
print!(argument);
print!(" ");
}
}
print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
error: format argument must be a string literal
--> echo.rs:6:20
|
6 | print!(argument);
| ^^^^^^^^
|
help: you might be missing a string literal to format with
|
6 | print!("{}", argument);
| +++++
error: aborting due to previous error
Okay.
```rs
use std::env::args;
fn main() {
if args().collect::<Vec<String>>().len() >= 2 {
for argument in args() {
print!("{}", argument);
print!(" ");
}
}
print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$ ./echo hello world
./echo hello world
The issue is the first argument is coming along for the ride in that for loop.
How do I skip the first iteration of an iterator?
[trial and error with .rs files and rustc omitted]
Oh.
```rs
use std::env::args;
fn main() {
if args().collect::<Vec<String>>().len() >= 2 {
for argument in args().skip(1) {
print!("{} ", argument);
}
}
print!("\n");
}
```
$ rustc echo.c
$ ./echo Hello, world!
Hello, world!
$ ./echo Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween!
That's where I'm leaving my Rust education today. And this is day 1. Pretty
good!
/blah/2023-10-29.html
Another journal, in its entirety
2023-09-??
TODO
TODAY
x WORK 1130-2000
x GRANDPARENTS
* PRACTICE Sx Sy ? S S S Sy S S S [I was practicing writing Ses to make my
handwriting look more like Ditko's]
* DOWNLOAD "PI"
* DOWNLOAD "TRINITY"
* DOWNLOAD "BARBIE"
* DOWNLOAD "OPPENHEIMER"
TOMORROW
x CLEAN [...]'S LAPTOPS
x REPACK + DECIDE WHAT GOES TO C.O.
* TEXT [...]?
LEWISTON
* MAIL [...] EDIBLES
x MAIL [...] LAPTOPS
x MAIL COLORADO
* MAKE SURE MAL'S OK
2023-09-30
x 2W NOTICE
2023-10-14
x LEAVE FOR [...]
LEWISTON
x FLIPPER x MODEM
x REPACK x BAG + BIVY
[...] x SD ADAPTER
MAL x CABLES
CALEB x SCOTT
GRANDPARENTS x GOIN POSTAL
[...] [...]
x [...] x [...]
x [...] ~~[...]~~
x ~~[...]~~ [...]
x [...]
2023年09月24日
Beginning to plot my way out of here...
I'm back because I was overencumbered. Now I've mostly repacked, not
enough to leave but enough to be mobile. I still have too much stuff.
Old socks stick to the bottom of your feet. Your soles meld with the
thread and ache from the dull torture. Old underwear's seams dig into you and
leave marks or acne on your ass. It's unavoidable.
The worst parts of homelessness are the lack of regular showers or
laundry. You can survie without regular showers. Your body stops stinking so
much, your hair stops being oily to compensate for your shampoo, your learn to
live without that feeling of dry freshness. But your clothes rot. Not your good
clothes, if you were smart enouugh to plan ahead and get a wool shirt and
sturdy pants, but the clothes you don't think about - socks, underwear, bras.
Cycling through articles only delays the inevitable.
"du" followed by 17 'h's. "Du"+17*"h"
2023-09-??
Looking at me ' up and down
thick left thigh, '' pupils blown out
I'm leaning onto brick and his pace changes tempo
- -- bitch keep walking \<
decelerates, ' my voice decrescendoes
VV I'll tear your neck open and piss in your windpipe
song of the city plays still and I \<
take out my bubble gum, my flavor's out \<
swallow, chew another, passing kid begins to
open his mouth
bitch keep walking ||
and the time goes by \<
leaning onto brick imagining piss in a windpipe
pneumonia \<
car ' after car ' after car \<
bitch keep walking '
butterfly knife in my pocket \<
no I do not have spare change \<
I don't open my wallet '
wish I was back in the office '
yes it's dark and damp but at least \<
there's free coffee '
bitch keep walking '
bitch keep walkking \< (don't stop) \<
anywhere other than here \< (there's nothing here) \<
I do not want to fight \<
but if I fight it'll be ^ (quick) \<
but if I fight then I will ^ (win)
->bitch keep walking<-
everyone packs heat but I pack nothing ''
how many will die ' for a fucking macguffin
t's so pointless but it's a check and my assignment ''
don't ask me again \<
bitch keep walking | ||
six foot three built like a bee
~~~~~~~~~~~
twelve large holes around my abdomen
~~~~~~~~~~~
can't touch me
my nest is rot infested
my head is shedding centipedes
call me Blowfly Girl
I want my pestilence degree
bee threesome
poly pollinators
2023-??-??
it's the end of the line
the line down the road
and I am so thirsty
and I'm so alone
my crimson elegy
falls to the floor
the blood isn't clotting
and I'm letting go
I've made my fair share
of crossings the street
and all for attention
but it never mattered to me
when I needed space
I was given so little
when I hit my rock bottom
you said it was the middle
and I walked the line
the line down the road
because I was so hungry
now I'm so alone
the rations were scarce
and the others hardly rational
I need unconditional love
but to you it's transactional
it's the end of the line
the line down the road
I used a rusty knife
I'm not worried about tetanus anymore
and I've formed a puddle
I'm curled in a ball
everything's uncomfortably sticky
but I'm not worried at all
and when one day they ask
if my passing was mourned
you better look them in the eye
and say you wish you caught the warnings
and the casket carriers marched
me from my rest to my grave
and I lay there lazily motionless
as you'd say, I slept too late
and now I'm late and they've formed a line
the line down the road
to witness my drained body
as I'm still, so alone
2023-??-??
one don't you touch me
don't you
don't you touch me
don't you
ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding
don't you fucking cross that line
dark avenue alley
three hundred year old
don't you fucking cross that line
I'm a Hollywood star
you ungreatful little
A-------------------
this night
is the last night
is the last night
I'm alone
there is no one
baby no one
I am the one
so alone
wretched
in my harbor
and my dark
dark avenue
and the needle
sewing needle
I'm your pillow
in you go
~~~~
don't you
fucking touch me
fucking touch me
warm pillow
don't you
fucking touch me
fucking touch me
warm ~~~~~ below
~~~
don't you
fucking hurt me
fucking hurt me
down below
don't you
fucking shoot me up
your loading
gun below
2023-??-??
I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELF
THE WATER IS COLD AND DROWNS THE NOISE OUT
I FOLLOWED THE LINE JUST TO GET HERE TODAY
NOW THE BLADE'S ON THE FLOOR AND I LINGER IN PAIN
I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELF
THE CHOIR IS FAINT AND THE SIRENS FADE OUT
IT'S THE END OF THE LINE AND SO DESPERATELY
I TRACED IT INTO THE FAINTLY BLUE VEIN
WHO KILLED ME? YOU KILLED ME
WHO PULLED THE YOU PULLED THE
TRIGGER AT NOON? TRIGGER AT NOON
WHO KILLED ME? YOU PUSHED ME
ANGELS BECKON ME INTO THIS HELL
INTO THE GLOOM BECKONING YOU TOO
IT'S SO MURKY IT'S SO MURKY
I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME
TO KNOW WHODUNNIT TO SAY I'M SORRY
JUST TELL ME I'M NOT READY
PREACH MY FATE TOUCH MY FACE
AND HAIL TO THE SUN AND THEN SAY IT'S DONE
I LIE HERE IN A POOL OF MYSELVES
RECKLESS DICHOTOMY NEVER WORKED OUT
IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW AND THE CURTAINS COME DOWN
I'M THIRSTY BUT IT'S QUIET NOW
2023-10-23
panel 1: [person running], thinking: GOD DAMN NECESSARY EXERCISE
panel 2: [person in baseball cap behind other person, under a starry night]
panel 3: [person in baseball cap]: I WONDER HOW MUCH BLOOD THAT GUY HAS
panel 4: [x]
[5 legged cat cartoon]
[happy kitty cartoon]
2023-10-26
TEXT [...] [x] P.O. BOX [-]
V / | V
APPLY FOR JOBS [x] | I.D.
| V
[...]'S TIRE [ ] | MEDICAID
V PHOTOGRAPHY [x] |
PINEPHONE OS [ ] | [...] LUNCH [-] TOMORROW
| V
MOP [ ] CASH [x] \ LIBRARY
V V
[...] LIBRARY CARD
[...] 1072
[...]
1068
[...]
2023-10-??
P.O. BOX
|
'----> get proof of having
P.O. box
|
V
https://dmv.colorado.gov/documents
"Homeless applicants without a residential
address must provide a letter from
a government entity, or not-for-
profit organization with its letterhead
showing the facility's name, address,
and telephone number, including the
legal representative's name, signature,
and signature date. The letter must
state, 'will accept delivery of mail
for the customer.'"
2023-10-26
THURS 10-27
[...] lunch
FRI 10-28
SAT 10-29
[...] & [...] out for party afternoon/eve
SUN 10-30
2023-10-??
Emulsify, motherfucker!
-- Mx. Clean
2023-10-??
Deven Trinity Blake is currently
physically resident at
2023-10-??
PINEBUDS
_____ _____
| . . | | . . |
| . ._|_ _|_. . |
| / \ / \ |
|_L_\_*_/ \_*_/_R_|
TX RX TX RX
5V Gnd 5V Gnd
2023-10-??
[...] [...]
[...] [...]
/blah/2023-10-27.html
Someone killed a couple dozen people in my hometown a week or two after I left.
They did it with an assault rifle and went to the bowling alley where in my
childhood I attended birthday parties and a bar or something near a place at
which I used to work.
My gut reaction is very callous because I was treated very poorly in this
hometown. I and many of my friends were harrassed by the police that are now
being lauded for their unsuccessful work on finding the perpetrator of this
mass killing who fled or possibly committed suicide. On one of the streets on
which innocent people were shot en mass I was chased out of tree cover under
which I was sleeping by someone who yelled at me that they were going to kill
me because I was homeless. I know more people than were killed who died from
lack of resources and lack of help in the same town who were equally innocent.
I feel for the residents of Lewiston, Maine. I feel for the families and
friends of those who lost their lives and I am sad for those who died. But
rather than draw attention to the mental health crisis and resulting drug
crisis in Maine and helping those who are needy and suffering this slaughter
which is unprecedented in Maine history will likely be used to argue for
stricter gun laws in a refreshingly free state, and I find that really
unfortunate. However I will not ever return to Lewiston, Maine, ever, for any
reason. Once I'm established here I'm going to make a fake background and
forget I ever came from Maine. I want to never again be associated with the
place that bore me. I say this as a Mainer and as a Mainer this will be my last
thought.
I'm finding employment here, far away from Maine, and I have found a happiness
I have never known and didn't know existed. I am now of here and here is
beautiful.
2023-10-26
[1307] trinity: mountain far above
rising against the sun's fall
tell me where it's home
/blah/2023-10-25.html
Trinity: The [Pinephone] will turn on in your pocket and then die.
Mars: It's just like me, narcoleptic and suicidal.
/blah/2023-10-23.html
: i just want to play the cannibalism game
Here's the current plan
__ Linux (arm64) ______________________________________
| Chimera |
| __ X11 ____________________________________________ |
| | __ QEMU _______________________________________ | | ; # apk add qemu-\
| | | | | | ; system-arm
| | | __ Linux (armhf) __________________________ | | | ; $ git clone \
| | | | | | | | ; https://github.com\
| | | | | | | | ; /dhruvvyas90/qemu-\
| | | | | | | | ; rpi-kernel
| | | | Raspberry Pi OS | | | | ; $ curl -O http://\
| | | | | | | | ; downloads.\
| | | | | | | | ; raspberrypi.org/\
| | | | | | | | ; raspios_full_armhf\
| | | | | | | | ; /images/raspios_\
| | | | | | | | ; full_armhf-2021-11\
| | | | | | | | ; -08/2021-10-30-\
| | | | | | | | ; raspios-bullseye-\
| | | | | | | | ; armhf-full.zip
| | | | | | | | ; $ unzip 2021-10-30\
| | | | | | | | ; -raspios-bullseye-\
| | | | | | | | ; armhf-full.zip
| | | | __ X11 ________________________________ | | | |
| | | | | __ Box86 __________________________ | | | | |
| | | | | | __ WINE _______________________ | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | The Coffin of Andy and Leyley | | | | | | |
| | | | | | |_______________________________| | | | | | |
| | | | | |___________________________________| | | | | |
| | | | |_______________________________________| | | | |
| | | |___________________________________________| | | |
| | |_______________________________________________| | |
| |___________________________________________________| |
|_______________________________________________________|
Nevermind, I used [...]'s computer to boot Windows 10 and play it. It took me
two hours and I finished in one sitting. What an excellent game.
[ 8:59 PM] trinity: finished episodr 1
[ 9:00 PM] trinity: fuck. i should make andy my pfp
[ 9:00 PM] [...]: real
[ 9:00 PM] trinity: doing it
[ 9:00 PM] trinity: l8r
[ 9:00 PM] trinity: gotta play gamez
[ 9:00 PM] [...]: @[...] see u can match w/ trin now too
[ 9:04 PM] [...]: wyh
[ 9:04 PM] [...]: huh
[ 9:04 PM] [...]: hfbd
[ 9:04 PM] [...]: hsha
[10:16 PM] trinity: kin andy
[...]
[10:19 PM] trinity: god FUCK
[10:20 PM] trinity: how can there be such a perfect game
[10:20 PM] [...]: I KNOW
[10:20 PM] trinity: took me 2hrs to finish
[10:20 PM] [...]: it's so fucking good
[10:21 PM] [...]: can i be the third sibling
[10:21 PM] trinity: third?
[10:21 PM] trinity: kin andrew*
I cannot describe my thoughts on this game here where it will be associated
with my real identity.
/blah/2023-10-22.html
: more adventures trying to run a .exe file
So long as you can get QEMU.
qEMU?
qEmu?
QEMU according to its website.
I grabbed the RAR file of this Windows game and now I desperately want to run
it because it looks really cool. Now that I figured out unRARing it's time to
play it. However WINE (an API conversion layer from Win32 to Linux+other OSes)
won't work on the Raspberry Pi because this is an ARM processor which can't
execute x86 code, even if the API calls are translated. So I've decided this
game warrants mucking around in a lot of complicated compatibility shims.
The stack will look something like this:
__ Raspberry Pi 4B+ 8GB _______________________________
| |
| __ Linux __________________________________________ | ; I'm including the
| | | | ; kernel as its own
| | Chimera | | ; layer-maker
| | __ X11 server _________________________________ | | ; because QEMU will
| | | | | | ; be booting the
| | | WINE display<---------------------------------------. ; kernel image
| | | __ urxvt __________________________________ | | | | ; itself without a
| | | | | | | | | ; bootloader and
| | | | __ QEMU amd64 _________________________ | | | | | ; from the kernel
| | | | | | | | | | | ; init etc will be
| | | | | __ Linux __________________________ | | | | | | ; spawned. The
| | | | | | | | | | | | | ; Raspberry Pi also
| | | | | | Alpine | | | | | | | ; basically just
| | | | | | __ WINE _______________________ | | | | | | | ; boots the kernel
| | | | | | | ^-(X11 client)--------------------------' ; image sans loader
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | ; because U-Boot.
| | | | | | | The Coffin of Andy and Leyley | | | | | | | ; The details
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | ; mentioned are the
| | | | | | |_______________________________| | | | | | | ; ones I expect to
| | | | | | | | | | | | ; add non-trivial
| | | | | |___________________________________| | | | | | ; overhead to
| | | | | | | | | | ; processor load,
| | | | |_______________________________________| | | | | ; which might be a
| | | | | | | | ; problem in
| | | |___________________________________________| | | | ; practice.
| | | | | |
| | |_______________________________________________| | |
| | | |
| |___________________________________________________| |
| |
|_______________________________________________________|
This seems fine!
I had sex four times tonight and this is what I'm doing with the clarity.
So the first order of business is QEMU. This is packaged for Chimera in
multiple variants. I don't know what I'm doing so I looked it up and I think I
need qemu-system-* because I'm emulating the processor as well as the software.
# apk add qemu-system-x86_64
Now I need Alpine. I think it comes in really small images for containers.
$ curl -O https://dl-cdn.alpinelinux.org/alpine/v3.18/releases/x86_64/\
alpine-virt-3.18.4-x86_64.iso
Let's try booting.
$ qemu-system-x86_64 -cdrom alpine-virt-3.18.4-x86_64.iso
Error relocating /lib/libspice-server.so.1: __aarch64_ldadd4_acq_rel: symbol no
Error relocating /lib/libspice-server.so.1: __aarch64_ldset4_acq_rel: symbol no
Error relocating /lib/libspice-server.so.1: __aarch64_ldclr4_acq_rel: symbol no
Error relocating /lib/libspice-server.so.1: __aarch64_cas4_acq_rel: symbol not
Hm. Same thing as root. Maybe I need a kernel image outside of the ISO? Let me
try something:
$ curl -O https://dl-cdn.alpinelinux.org/alpine/v3.18/releases/x86_64/\
alpine-minirootfs-3.18.4-x86_64.tar.gz
$ tar tf alpine-minirootfs-3.18.4-x86_64.tar.gz | head
./
./sys/
./srv/
./run/
./root/
./opt/
./mnt/
./media/
./media/usb/
./media/floppy/
$ mkdir amd64
$ <alpine-minirootfs-3.18.4-x86_64.tar.gz gzip -cd | tar x -C amd64
$ man -k qemu
qemu(1) - QEMU User Documentation
qemu-img(1) - QEMU disk image utility
qemu-storage-daemon(1) - QEMU storage daemon
virtfs-proxy-helper(1) - QEMU 9p virtfs proxy filesystem helper
qemu-block-drivers(7) - QEMU block drivers reference
qemu-cpu-models(7) - QEMU CPU Models
qemu-ga-ref(7) - QEMU Guest Agent Protocol Reference Contents 0.0 • 2 QEMU Gu
qemu-qmp-ref(7) - QEMU QMP Reference Manual Contents 0.0 • 2 QEMU QMP Referen
qemu-storage-daemon-qmp-ref(7) - QEMU Storage Daemon QMP Reference Manual Con
qemu-ga(8) - QEMU Guest Agent
qemu-nbd(8) - QEMU Disk Network Block Device Server
$ man qemu # brb...
$ ls amd64 | grep linux
$ # fuck... I'm just gonna look up a tutorial
The good news is I don't think X forwarding will be necessary so that saves a
lot of trouble. The bad news is I don't know what I'm doing and am tired so
this will wait for tomorrow.
https://git.sr.ht/~sircmpwn/builds.sr.ht/tree/master/item/images/alpine/genimg
How does Drew do it?
It was at this point the file got corrupted so here's my reconstruction of this
section based on the nvim swapfile:
I return well rested, ten hours later.
# apk add qemu-img
[ 1:20 AM] trinity: trying to figure out qemu
[ 1:20 AM] trinity: not going well
[ 1:21 AM] trinity: trying again with the sun up
[ 1:21 AM] [...]: I remember I used that for the class where we
re-implemented a lobotomized risc-v operating system
[ 1:22 AM] trinity: i just wanna play this rpgmaker game
[ 1:24 AM] [...]: which one?
[ 1:29 AM] trinity: coffin of andy and leyley
[ 1:29 AM] trinity: i think i can figure this out tomorrow
[ 1:29 AM] trinity: \/when i wake up
[ 1:29 AM] [...]: why do you need qemu to run a rpgmaker game?
[ 1:30 AM] [...]: they run in wine
[ 1:30 AM] [...]: someone must have built some wrapper for them if
wine/proton does not work
[ 1:30 AM] [...]: you just need the fonts
[ 1:31 AM] [...]: also I remember running touhou mother in easyrpg on my
steam deck
[ 1:31 AM] trinity: not on arm64
[ 1:31 AM] [...]: oh i see
[ 1:32 AM] [...]: WHYYYYYYYY
[ 1:32 AM] [...]: WHY HAS THIS SPREAD SO FAR
[ 1:32 AM] [...]: is that the incest canibalism one?
[ 1:33 AM] [...]: no comment
[ 1:33 AM] [...]: :3
Drew bootstraps an extremely minimal Alpine x86_64 image with just enough
packages to self-host. However in the genimg script there is this one line:
30 dd if=/usr/share/syslinux/mbr.bin of=/dev/nbd0 bs=1 count=440
which relies on there being an existing SYSLINUX installation on the host. This
won't work on ARM64 for which there is no SYSLINUX and Chimera doesn't have a
GCC x86_64 cross compiler packaged and I don't wanna have to compile gcc for
this so I'm just gonna find a way that's different from Drew's way.
I'm gonna try using the standard ISO now because that should have a kernel and
means to boot on x86_64 already. I wonder if I can boot it as a live system and
no shit it has no X server. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to install?
Fuck this shit. I'm just gonna figure out Box86.
Actually Box64 because I don't wanna figure out armhf stuff today.
; doas gmake
[ 1%] Building C object CMakeFiles/interpreter.dir/src/emu/x64run.c.o
/usr/local/src/box64/src/emu/x64run.c:1351:47: error: expected expression
emu->segs[_ES] = *(__uint16_t*)(((char*)ED)+4);
^
/usr/local/src/box64/src/emu/x64run.c:1351:36: error: use of undeclared identif
ier '__uint16_t'
emu->segs[_ES] = *(__uint16_t*)(((char*)ED)+4);
^
/usr/local/src/box64/src/emu/x64run.c:1364:47: error: expected expression
emu->segs[_DS] = *(__uint16_t*)(((char*)ED)+4);
^
/usr/local/src/box64/src/emu/x64run.c:1364:36: error: use of undeclared identif
ier '__uint16_t'
emu->segs[_DS] = *(__uint16_t*)(((char*)ED)+4);
^
4 errors generated.
gmake[2]: *** [CMakeFiles/interpreter.dir/build.make:76: CMakeFiles/interpreter
.dir/src/emu/x64run.c.o] Error 1
gmake[1]: *** [CMakeFiles/Makefile2:113: CMakeFiles/interpreter.dir/all] Error
2
gmake: *** [Makefile:166: all] Error 2
it is all so tiresome. This also matters less because I'm gonna need Box86
anyway. Maybe I should make a QEMU virtual machine for Raspberry Pi OS, install
Box86 and Box86's packages on that, and then have it all nice and dandy?
# apk add qemu-system-arm
# apk del qemu-system-x86_64
End recovered segment.
I'm gonna use the armhf image because I don't think this EXE is 64-bit and
it'll cut out all of the compat stuff.
$ curl https://downloads.raspberrypi.com/raspios_armhf/images/\
raspios_armhf-2023-10-10/2023-10-10-raspios-bookworm-armhf.img.xz \
| xz -cd \
>2023-10-10-raspios-bookworm-armhf.img
1238MB... jeez... time to plug in the laptop fan
The tutorial I'm following provided a link to a GitHub repo with a Raspberry Pi
QEMU Linux kernel image which is awesome. Except there's no Linux 6.1 so I'm
gonna have to go a version behind. This is all to play one video game so we can
move fast and break things without risking all hell breaking loose.
$ rm 2023-10-10-raspios-bookworm-armhf.img
Except where are the old OS versions? I can't find them on the Raspberry Pi
website.
Found by looking up, good old no-TLS HTTP: http://downloads.raspberrypi.org/
The newest kernel provided by the GitHub repo is 5.10.63, which corresponds
according to the Raspberry Pi OS Full armhf release notes (raspios_full_armhf
/release_notes.txt) to the 2021-10-30 release. But that download isn't in this
HTTP source. I think 5.4.51, which is provided in the repo, will work with
2020-08-24, though that version isn't mentioned in the release notes, because
the release notes' mentioned 2020-08-20 does have that version. The issue is
the release notes' dates don't line up with the actual downloads provided.
Strange. Whatever. Let's just try this and hope it works.
Oh, what the fuck? The dates in the folders are different? fucking hell
look at this fucking URL:
http://downloads.raspberrypi.org/raspios_full_armhf/images/
raspios_full_armhf-2020-08-24/ <- 2020-08-24
2020-08-20-raspios-buster-armhf-full.info <- WTF?????
I'm so tired and just want to read about hot cartoon characters butchering
people. Kernel 5.10.63! 2021-10-30! Of course, in the 2021-11-08 folder! I
should have known!
$ curl -O http://downloads.raspberrypi.org/raspios_full_armhf/images/\
raspios_full_armhf-2021-11-08/2021-10-30-raspios-bullseye-armhf-full.zip
$ # .zip? are you kidding me? 3.0GB??? This is gonna be an hour download...
Fucking hell. See you tomorrow.
/blah/2023-10-21.html
: fuck unrar
I run Chimera Linux, an Alpine-based operating system still in its very early
stages but stable enough that I trust it for my meager, mostly console and X11
based workflow. It can run a C compiler, so good enough for me. The only issue
is, despite being based on Alpine, a popular operating system not for desktop
but for embedded environments like containers, for which a lot of software is
packaged and available in system repositories, Chimera does not have a lot of
packages. I'm going to package UNRAR, a non-free ("freeware") tool that has no
dependencies aside from the C++ standard library, to get a feel for Alpine
packaging.
UNRAR is an almost delightful little tool with the unfortunate, heinous problem
of being non-free, and its license forbidding the use of the provided source
code for reimplementation - otherwise I would just rewrite it in sane C89
without encumbrence. But we don't need to read the source code in order to
compile the C++.
The Alpine Wiki section on Creating an Alpine package says to apk add
alpine-sdk but Chimera has no such thing so hopefully that's fine. It says to
check out the aports tree but I don't want to put my packages upstream (dealing
with large software projects is tiresome and I know Chimera is in a constant
state of flux).
I did this:
# mkdir -p /var/cache/distfiles
# chmod a+w /var/cache/distfiles
I now need abuild-keygen according to the wiki but it isn't installed.
$ apk search abuild-keygen
pulled up nothing. Nor did a package contents search. Maybe it's fine? On a
whim I searched cbuild* in the contents search and found apk:base-cbuild-progs.
# apk add base-cbuild-progs
(1/1) Installing base-cbuild-progs (0.1-r2)
OK: 2083 MiB in 896 packages
On the Chimera Linux website I found the Chimera-specific packaging stuff.
There is a cports repository with Packaging.md but it's kind of long so I'll
use it as a reference while following the less complete Alpine guide. This is
the rat bastard approach to software but I am doing this for my own uses and
for pleasure and I don't wanna spend five hours contributing to this project
right now because I am tired.
I need newapkbuild but don't have it so I'll try to find the default template
on-line or go off an existing thingy.
I found contrib/jq/template.py so I'll copy that.
pkgname = "unrar"
What's the pkgver?
$ cd /usr/local/src/unrar
-sh: 5: cd: can't cd to /usr/local/src/unrar
$ cd /usr/local/src
$ ls
$
Connection to tebibyte.media closed.
; # oops
; cd /usr/local/src/unrar
; cat version.hpp
#define RARVER_MAJOR 6
#define RARVER_MINOR 24
#define RARVER_BETA 1
#define RARVER_DAY 17
#define RARVER_MONTH 9
#define RARVER_YEAR 2023
# apk del qemu-system-x86_64
/blah/2023-10-21.html
: fuck unrar
I run Chimera Linux, an Alpine-based operating system still in its very early
stages but stable enough that I trust it for my meager, mostly console and X11
based workflow. It can run a C compiler, so good enough for me. The only issue
is, despite being based on Alpine, a popular operating system not for desktop
but for embedded environments like containers, for which a lot of software is
packaged and available in system repositories, Chimera does not have a lot of
packages. I'm going to package UNRAR, a non-free ("freeware") tool that has no
dependencies aside from the C++ standard library, to get a feel for Alpine
packaging.
UNRAR is an almost delightful little tool with the unfortunate, heinous problem
of being non-free, and its license forbidding the use of the provided source
code for reimplementation - otherwise I would just rewrite it in sane C89
without encumbrence. But we don't need to read the source code in order to
compile the C++.
The Alpine Wiki section on Creating an Alpine package says to apk add
alpine-sdk but Chimera has no such thing so hopefully that's fine. It says to
check out the aports tree but I don't want to put my packages upstream (dealing
with large software projects is tiresome and I know Chimera is in a constant
state of flux).
I did this:
# mkdir -p /var/cache/distfiles
# chmod a+w /var/cache/distfiles
I now need abuild-keygen according to the wiki but it isn't installed.
$ apk search abuild-keygen
pulled up nothing. Nor did a package contents search. Maybe it's fine? On a
whim I searched cbuild* in the contents search and found apk:base-cbuild-progs.
# apk add base-cbuild-progs
(1/1) Installing base-cbuild-progs (0.1-r2)
OK: 2083 MiB in 896 packages
On the Chimera Linux website I found the Chimera-specific packaging stuff.
There is a cports repository with Packaging.md but it's kind of long so I'll
use it as a reference while following the less complete Alpine guide. This is
the rat bastard approach to software but I am doing this for my own uses and
for pleasure and I don't wanna spend five hours contributing to this project
right now because I am tired.
I need newapkbuild but don't have it so I'll try to find the default template
on-line or go off an existing thingy.
I found contrib/jq/template.py so I'll copy that.
pkgname = "unrar"
What's the pkgver?
$ cd /usr/local/src/unrar
-sh: 5: cd: can't cd to /usr/local/src/unrar
$ cd /usr/local/src
$ ls
$
Connection to tebibyte.media closed.
; # oops
; cd /usr/local/src/unrar
; cat version.hpp
#define RARVER_MAJOR 6
#define RARVER_MINOR 24
#define RARVER_BETA 1
#define RARVER_DAY 17
#define RARVER_MONTH 9
#define RARVER_YEAR 2023
I guess it doesn't matter because the download link says 6.12.2, so I'll just
put that. Maybe I have a different version. I don't care.
pkgver = "6.12.2" #
pkgrel = 0 # default
build_style = "makefile"
make_cmd = "gmake" # this probably doesn't matter, it worked with bmake too
make_dir = "."
hostmakedepends = [ "gmake" ]
pkgdesc = "Extracts from RAR archives"
maintainer = "trinity <trinity@trinity.moe>"
# license is tricky. how does alpine do it?
# checked. alpine does not do it, because unrar is non-free
What is this license, anyway?
; cat license.txt
****** ***** ****** UnRAR - free utility for RAR archives
** ** ** ** ** ** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
****** ******* ****** License for use and distribution of
** ** ** ** ** ** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** ** ** ** ** ** FREE portable version
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The source code of UnRAR utility is freeware. This means:
1. All copyrights to RAR and the utility UnRAR are exclusively
owned by the author - Alexander Roshal.
2. UnRAR source code may be used in any software to handle
RAR archives without limitations free of charge, but cannot be
used to develop RAR (WinRAR) compatible archiver and to
re-create RAR compression algorithm, which is proprietary.
Distribution of modified UnRAR source code in separate form
or as a part of other software is permitted, provided that
full text of this paragraph, starting from "UnRAR source code"
words, is included in license, or in documentation if license
is not available, and in source code comments of resulting package.
3. The UnRAR utility may be freely distributed. It is allowed
to distribute UnRAR inside of other software packages.
4. THE RAR ARCHIVER AND THE UnRAR UTILITY ARE DISTRIBUTED "AS IS".
NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND IS EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED. YOU USE AT
YOUR OWN RISK. THE AUTHOR WILL NOT BE LIABLE FOR DATA LOSS,
DAMAGES, LOSS OF PROFITS OR ANY OTHER KIND OF LOSS WHILE USING
OR MISUSING THIS SOFTWARE.
5. Installing and using the UnRAR utility signifies acceptance of
these terms and conditions of the license.
6. If you don't agree with terms of the license you must remove
UnRAR files from your storage devices and cease to use the
utility.
Thank you for your interest in RAR and UnRAR.
Alexander L. Roshal
Line omitted before signature because of how this blah is formatted.
This is fucking bullshit. I'm already in violation of clause 6 because I wish
Alexandar L. Roshal to eat flaming death and be obliterated from this mortal
plane but I won't be fucking anyone over legally by copying the code.
2021-10-20
[ 9:52 PM] trinity: bsdtar WORKS ON FUCKING RAR FILES?????
[ 9:52 PM] trinity: 7z DID NOT DO THE JOB BUT bsdtar DID?
[ 9:58 PM] [...]: that's shocking actually wtf
[10:03 PM] trinity: bsdtar errors out too :(
[10:03 PM] trinity: no unrar package for chimera
[10:04 PM] trinity: not pkgsrcing it because 500 deps compiling on a raspberry
pi
[10:18 PM] trinity: figured out how to build unrar from source. NO DEPS!
[10:18 PM] trinity: for nonfree software it sure is easy build
[10:21 PM] [...]: why somebody would ever use a nonfree compressed archive
format is beyond me
[10:21 PM] [...]: .tar.gz is standard. .arc and .zpaq are fucking insane with
compression ratios.
2021-10-21
[12:12 AM] trinity: i really dont understand use of rar
[12:12 AM] trinity: as mainstream archives go 7z is a lot better
[12:13 AM] [...]: yeah
[12:13 AM] [...]: I see rar used a lot in piracy stuff and I'm not rlly sure
what that's about
[12:19 AM] [...]: wait i can use bsdtar for unrar
[12:19 AM] [...]: pog
[12:20 AM] trinity: unrar works better
[12:20 AM] [...]: i dont have any way to unrar things atm because i
uninstalled unrar for being nonfree
[12:20 AM] trinity: unrar for nonfree software is not very bad. i oughtta just
rewrite it in C
[12:20 AM] [...]: someone has done that
[12:21 AM] [...]: you could build on their work
[12:21 AM] trinity: wouldnt that be free software
[12:21 AM] trinity: fuck actually i dont like unrar's everything i should just
make my own unrar based on the nonfree code
[12:22 AM] trinity: license forbids this :(
[12:22 AM] [...]: violating proprietary licenses is based
[12:23 AM] [...]: unrar (super illegal edition!!)
[12:23 AM] [...]: it doesnt currently work afaik. it works for older rar files
[12:24 AM] trinity: is there much difference
[12:26 AM] trinity: REing rar seems to not be that useful because soon everyone
that uses it will be dead and everyone will be using
something open
[12:27 AM] [...]: idk
[12:27 AM] [...]: rarverse engineering
[12:28 AM] [...]: ill probably just write a wrapper for bsdtar that can be
called on rar files
[12:28 AM] [...]: rawrverse engineewing~ >.<
[12:29 AM] trinity: because unrar, while proprietary, can be compiled with any
C++ compiler and make tool and works with standard POSIX
APIs, i don't think the ability to decompress will be
threatened any time soon. best rebellion is just to decomp
and recomp rar files into better formats
[12:30 AM] trinity: did you know that rawr means i love you in dinosaur
AAAA I give up.
Chimera docs say very little about -doc packages, which should have the license
file for the current software if the license is custom, which UnRAR's is. So
license.txt should go in "$pkgdir"/usr/share/licenses/$pkgname/COPYING
Wait I get it. The cbuild will automagically add that license to the -doc
package for me. Nevermind. So I just have to
license = "custom"
def post_install(self):
self.install_license("license.txt")
url = "https://www.rarlab.com/rar_add.htm"
source = f"https://www.rarlab.com/rar/unrarsrc-{pkgver}.tar.gz"
Okay, this would probably work, but I don't care to actually button this up and
PR it so that's all it will be. Here's how it looks in my src/Makefile which
works better for my uses:
# depends on
# apk:g++
$(PREFIX)/bin/unrar:
git clone https://github.com/pmachapman/unrar.git "$(PREFIX)"/src/unrar
$(MAKE) -C "$(PREFIX)"/src/unrar
$(INSTALL) -Dm0755 "$(PREFIX)"/src/unrar/unrar "$(PREFIX)"/bin/unrar
To be honest, I copied the install(1) permission from somewhere else. Not sure
if 0755 is the best config. But I don't care because FUCK UNRAR!!!!
/blah/2023-10-14.html
: no filter
When I started at Burger King in 2020 I started at a location I would learn was
known for its bigotry, low food quality, and exceptionally shitty workforce.
Though most could be known for this, this Burger King in particular was quite
bad at all of those things and I would come to learn its employees gave zero
shits about even the barest of standards. I would see employees drop bottles of
sauce on the ground and pick them up without cleaning them or even changing
their gloves in the process, contaminating food with floor bacteria. Employees
dropping raw chicken using their gloves and no tongs and continuing to make
sandwiches with the same gloves used to touch raw chicken. Cross contamination
between all raw and cooked food and often between their phones, and the floor,
and the food. After the age of 17 I started eating at restaurants a lot less.
I applied to Burger King as a joke while on call with my Information Technology
class in school in 2020. School during 2020 was, due to the COVID-19 pandemic,
virtual and hosted on-line in Zoom meetings, so on one monitor (a 70Hz NEC
MultiSync) I had Zoom running and on another (a slightly newer, higher-
resolution Acer monitor) I had the Carrols application process. I needed money.
A job - a legitimate job, which I had never had before, nor one where the end
wasn't defined at the start - seemed like an easy solution. I set my
availability to 1700-2000 after school days so I could get 15 hours a week in
three hour spurts, not much but enough to wet my whistle and get a taste for
the work if I wished to continue.
They gave me a call that day maybe, or the day after. I sounded good on the
telephone so I was brought in for an interview. I arrived an hour early and sat
in a nearby parking lot playing Chocolate Doom on my netbook running Debian, I
think, and trying to page through Simulations and Simulacra though it took me a
month to get through the first paragraph because of how dense it is and the
confusing nature of the initial parenthetical statement. But the general
manager who interview me didn't know that, instead he saw a book with a
confusingly worded cover and a high school student who was also attending two
colleges (officially; taking classes at one and dually enrolled in the other)
and a technical school (for Information Technology) and who wanted to learn to
cook. After forty-five minutes of waiting I went into the building, told them I
had an interview, waited twenty minutes (five minutes past when the interview
was set), and interviewed for ten minutes where the manager clarified some
stuff on my application and hired me on the spot. I accepted.
The job was meant to be a temporary job, at least when I accepted. It was close
to Staples where I could apply my IT certifications once I finished them and
then mosey my way onto better jobs while going to college. Then while I was
working there the Staples went out of business and I watched one of my
classmates a year ahead of me quit the computer store nearby because the
management was abusive. So I would have no computer-related job.
My first day, Halloween 2020, a Saturday if I recall correctly, I was sat in
front of a computer after walking across town to the job (this was something
like a ninety minute walk because I was at the time very fat, very out of
shape, and very slow) and spent three hours first filling out my application
and then watching videos explaining the job.
When prompted for my gender I filled out "Prefer not to say" on the computer,
knowing I was a woman but could not safely come out especially in that school
with those parents and knowing those people. I later watched the same manager
get prompted by the computer to answer the question I didn't. He chose Male.
I memorized the cards hanging from the ceiling showing how to build the
sandwiches. The Whopper: mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, pickle. Wrong,
actually; mayo, lettuce, tomato, pickle, ketchup, onion. And later the meat
came before the mayo rather than before the pickle. But this explanation is
best for another time. Yesterday, my last day, a co-worker who was there my
first day that Halloween remembered me standing there trying to memorize the
cards. I was green and wet behind the ears and everything else that applies to
those who are new to what they are doing but think they will not only have fun
but quickly become very good at their job. I did neither.
My first day on the job I was placed in a little-used area of the kitchen and
trained with a classmate from the year behind me on making the Whopper. Grab a
five-inch sesame bun, toast it, take out a paper and place it on the board.
Place the bun, spread mayo on the top bun, add a dusting of lettuce, two
tomatoes, get the patty, four pickles, three rings of ketchup, and three rings
of onion. My turn. The mayo hard a hard time staying on the spatula and I had
to dip the spatula many times to finish spreading it on the bun. The lettuce I
couldn't figure out, I always did too much or too little. Tomatoes, fine, but I
went and grabbed one and placed it, grabbed the other and placed it. Meat,
fine. Pickles, I always grabbed too many or too few, and it took me a moment to
place them. Ketchup I used my forearm to move the bottle rather than the wrist
as I should have. Onions I couldn't grab correctly and it took me a moment to
spread them. My initial time spent making one Whopper was three or four
minutes.
I came in at probably 1500 or so and left at 1800. I can't say for sure but
that's what I would imagine because my first many shifts were three-hour stints
and this would be from a little after I got out of high school to when the
kitchen started to get busy. The person with which I trained left Burger King
maybe a couple months ago.
After proving my ineptitude when it came to the kitchen, but being too socially
awkward to interact with customers, I was put on videos again. The videos
explained simple things about sanitation that even at first were clearly not
accurate to what was happening in the kitchen. I naively assumed this
difference came from my coworkers not knowing the contents of the videos and so
started to mention these differences in hopes we could make food properly and
safely. After a little while these corrections started to be less and less well
received.
I don't remember much of Winter 2020 because I was busy with school, struggling
with my parents - about whom I write very little, because I try not to speak
ill of others - and trying to figure out how to get out of my current and
stifling situation.
My coworkers frequently used slurs of ableist, homophobic, and transphobic
natures. Among them r-----, f-----, and tr---- were common utterances and I
pretended they didn't affect me despite falling into the categories
particularly insulted by all three profanities. It was the heyday of anti-
Capitalist Twitter and the same time period in which I started engaging with
higher level philosophical thingies like gender accelerationism, anarchism,
juche. The time period where I discovered nuances even in things where I didn't
expect them like the DPRK's place within the world. I knew what the "triggered
Liberal" acted like and I knew what the stereotypical tr---- looked like. My
gender identity was expressed only in private among friends with the exception
of losing a bet I knew I couldn't win and wearing a dress in class. However I
was too fat for it and ended up getting stuck in the dress. I've lost 55 pounds
in the years since.
Things came to a head when, one day when I mentioned to a co-worker that they
should use tongs rather than their gloved hands to scoop chicken nuggets into a
bag for a customer, that co-worker started to rant about how slow I was in the
kitchen and how customers didn't need their food made well, they needed it made
fast. I responded with my own soapboxing saying that while my food was made
slowly I was one of few that could actually meet basic standards and that a
sandwich made missing a tomato or pickle or with the wrong amount of ketchup,
or a chicken nugget bag missing a chicken nugget or a fry pod filled with too
few fries couldn't justify even the minimum wait for the food and that making a
customer come back to get correctly made food would take even longer than my
making the food slowly but correct the first time. The assistant manager agreed
with me but admitted that management had been discussing ways to get rid of me
because I took too long in the kitchen and was too adamant about things not
being picked up off the ground and tongs being used.
When, a week later, I mentioned I was thinking about trying another store, they
sent me to the other Burger King location in the town for a 9.5 hour shift, the
longest shift I had worked at that time. When I said I liked it they sent me
for a second shift. That manager said it was great to have me there as one of
their own, and I said that would be cool, wouldn't it, and he looked confused
and asked me if I knew I had been transferred permanently.
2023-10-13
[ 4:36 PM] trinity: this burger king is so funny. it's amazing it functions
[ 4:38 PM] trinity:
ricky: "i say what i want, i have no filter. i dont
care who i offend"
trin: "wow ricky you're so cool for having no self
control"
ricky: "okay, this shit is seriously starting to piss
me off."
**WALKS OUT OUT OF ANGER AT MY JOKE**
[ 4:38 PM] trinity: the assistant manager said holy shit did that really just
happen and this morning told the gm and the gm thought it
was funny as fuck
[ 4:39 PM] [...]: lmfaoo
[ 4:39 PM] [...]: ricky sounds like such a guy
[...]
[10:18 PM] [...]: he got offended
/blah/2023-10-08.html
An angel commits to sin...
I'm hallucinating, just a little. I think it's exhaustion. Everything is just a
little unreal.
Yesterday I had a cigarette. The day before I did too. That's four since
starting to quit.
Today I read Blood Stained Teeth #2-5 (2022). I've recently read The Vampyr
(1816), Tales to Astonish #1-2 (1958), #3-9 (1959), #10-17 (1960), #18-29
(1961), #30-41 (1962), Fantastic Four #1-3 (1961), #4-5 (1962), The Incredible
Hulk #1-4 (1962), V for Vendetta #1-6 (1988), #07-10 (1989), and the entirety
of Death Note. Oh, also Injection #1-5 (2015), #06-10 (2016), #10-15 (2017), No
Longer Human (2019), and some other stuff. Reading Alias Grace (1996) and quite
enjoying it.
I've been reading a lot lately. I have a lust for passive but self-paced
entertainment and adult-oriented comic books have been hitting the point
between candy for eyes and food for thought. Particularly V for Vendetta, which
has excellent and distinct artwork, and Blood Stained Teeth which is a visual
fever dream very different from but reminiscent of Panty and Stocking with
Garterbelt, an animation from Gainax. Art overflowing with passion.
I think Anarchism most closely resembles my political beliefs but I'm not sure.
I don't particularly care about labels but as a word-as-summary they are
useful. When someone falls in the mosh pit you help them up, there's no more to
it.
[...] has been discussing Zen Buddhism in [...] and it's fascinating, and not
quite what I had thought it was from pop culture education.
I've been learning Toki Pona passively and it is a very fun language.
I have my Raspberry Pi set up perfectly. Absolutely perfectly. This is my ideal
setup for a computer. It's such a shame that this is a temporary setup; it will
be replaced by my ClockworkPi uConsole when it comes ("this" being a CrowPi2
with the disadantage of not having a battery and thus being tethered either to
the wall (via AC adapter) or my power pack (via DC 5525 or whatever it is)
which can't injest power while delivering voltage out of the barrel jack
("power pack" being the Shargeek Storm2 or whatever it's called now).
I discovered strerror(3) recently and my life has become a lot easier.
Fight or flight? I flap my angel wings and am spirited away.
I talked to Usagi for the first time in a while. I was so weird to her. So
weird. And she is still my friend. I was so weird and she has no problem with
it whatsoever. Acceptance is so rare.
Yesterday I wanted to die. Today I am ready to accept death should it happen to
me, but I will do what I can to prevent it. I don't think I'll ever fear death
but I don't long for it when I'm doing decently. Yesterday I was not doing
decently. I have been cold and nervous for a long while now and have not known
genuine safety since August. My body is in fight or flight mode and has been
for a while. I am less a rabbit and more a hare.
I've been using Chimera Linux and absolutely love it.
/blah/2023-10-05.html
Today taking my bag of trash out I noticed my old kitchen manager, one of those
partly to blame for my training, doing the same with the restaurant's trash. He
asked me if I'd heard from my sidekick using a name that while attributable to
her was not her herself - too formal and she would say in more words
incongruous [is that a word?] to her being. This was my first red flag of the
day but the person himself is a walking one his own, a Lady Gaga song glorifier
and notorious gossip not to mention lacking in empathy or humbleness, afflicted
even worse by the latter two than myself.
I cannot think of him without thinking of my training in 2021 when I was
seventeen and he in twenties and I pulled a trash can from one inaccessible
location to a better one and I by himself was pulled aside and told unkindly
not to meddle with any sort of kitchen organization whatsoever, because he was
running the kitchen and his food making ship needed to be tight and
disciplined. Perhaps this was true, but whatever discipline he taught was yet
unaware of the basics of food safety as he gripped the trash bag liner to bring
the can back and forth on wheels from under the preparation table where he kept
it, contaminating the gloves with which he would make food with the retch
byproducts from the junk we organized.
The same supposed manager, at that time technically the same role as my own
though given authority by that which did have it to give, that would tell me I
was a fool for going from chicken to beef - both cooked - without changing my
gloves and washing my hands, would go from raw meat to cooked comfortably with
contaminated tongs sitting in the no doubt E. Coli plentiful meat well
protecting food from bacteria, and do the same when tending to chicken between
frozen bird and fried. This is extremely common in food preparation and I
encourage any reader not to consume that which you did not produce or at least
prepare. I've never seen the use of preventing food from touching food when
both are flesh and both thoroughly dead and thoroughly cooked, nor have I ever
seen the sense in crossing the dead and preserved with the dead whose food
safety is preserved. Nor have I ever seen how his taking me out of line and
chewing me out for moving a trash can was justified when I was trying to
guarantee the food safety that was not my responsibility but his.
TRINITY: She's not doing well- I thought it was kind of obvious. You
should talk to her yourself.
[...]: You and she both have this thing where you're rude- whatever, I
guess I'll just go fuck myself.
TRINITY: Enjoy fucking yourself then.
And then I left on my scooter and heard him say something behind me. My
assumption though not charitable is he made a remark either about my being
transgender or being homeless, both things that while he may accept he is glad
certainly to not experience. But I can't say for sure. And I could say while I
may not have a ceiling or roof, at least I have my heart.
/blah/2023-10-04.html
2023-09-28 I woke up a little after midnight at my workplace to my coworkers
finishing close. I put my backpack on and scooted out and down the hill to find
the old lookout point one of my former roommates had mentioned once.
The path was blocked by three boulders placed so as to prevent automobile
through-traffic. I walked by them and up the hill through the path. The
streetlight faded behind me and soon I was alone among the dark silence save
for the chatter of the crickets and varied twig-snapping of unseen nocturnal
creatures, the friends of Nowhere, Maine.
I came to a pile of strewn trash among, if it had been warmer, which would have
been flies I suppose and bits of nastiness that are begotten by nastiness.
Hoping this was the only bit decrepid in this desolation I walked further. It
was cold and I was tired so when I saw the needles and blood I made no reaction
even after my slow realization of what had happened there.
It was not a place of honor, there was nothing to be had or found there, and
had I known better I would have fled immediately to avoid the fate that had
befallen what was left of whomever that had found ruin among the brush and
uncaring wilderness. This was the fate of the addict when they find an
apathetic owner of a chainsaw and these were the pieces that, should I chose to
indulge in mainlined drugs, will compose myself as well. Dogs or cats or foxes
or wolves had got to what was left but what had happened was apparent. The baby
stroller and diapers and formula pouches told the rest of the story. I stood
for a while comprehending this mess, processing without being able to process.
Nor it being safe to do so.
My grandmother has no sympathy for addicts though even she wishes they'd get
better and supports the free dispersal of naloxone for those that need it. She
doesn't see why an addict should redose rather than purchase warmth or water,
not to mention inhabit a crack shack rather than find work and hearth and life.
She's smart. She's never looked down drunkenly at an empty bottle or
experienced lethargic purple haze and stupefied daze that accompanies the
shortening of a rolled joint. She's never craved a cigarette like I have. She
couldn't imagine it. She couldn't imagine my knowing the feeling. She can't
answer my questions for her - how sober lukewarm shelter could compare to pure
happiness coursing through a vein, or how hydration could compare to not
needing to care about any need, physical or emotional. Perhaps money can't buy
one love, but there are things a person enjoys more. At least at first.
I've been through the downward spiral slipping from shelter to smaller shelter
like a sieve, looking only for acceptance and a place to sleep and finding
scarce the former and only more expensive the latter while my pay doesn't
increase nearly as quickly as the cost to live. One shot would kill me years
later after hundreds more, perhaps not as directly the first as the last, but
the first would be my death all the same. I know this. The sound ice makes when
it hits water and feels the sharp difference in temperature accompanied by the
whoosh of butane and naked laugh of the crazed fiend hungry for more pleasure,
more solace, a hoard of catharsis never to be experienced, only kept like a rat
keeps food for winter, and the drawing in of the needle and the flick and snap
of the glass and rubber band and push of it in and the mind out and let the
reason bleed out of you in transparent drool and snot and let the eyes droop
and heart swell with unearned passion. As much as it would be my comfort then
it is my recurring nightmare now. And it's not inevitable, because I will make
it out of this hell before it chains me and loses the key.
Hyperlinks relating to moulage
https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/narrenturm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moulage
https://www.unmc.edu/newsroom/2014/01/07/unmc-history-101-medicine-in-wax/
https://blog.unmc.edu/2013/09/04
/dan-brick-lays-the-foundation-for-realistic-simulation/
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bd
/The_Dead_Pearl_Diver_by_Benjamin_Paul_Akers_2.jpg
https://www.aoc.gov/explore-capitol-campus/art/ulysses-s-grant-statue
Hyperlinks relating to CrowPi2 programming
https://github.com/WiringPi/WiringPi
http://wiringpi.com/examples/blink/
https://github.com/Elecrow-RD/CrowPi2/tree/main/known_issues
https://github.com/Elecrow-RD/CrowPi/blob/master/Examples/segment.py
https://www.adafruit.com/product/877#description
https://github.com/adafruit/Adafruit_LED_Backpack
https://cdn-shop.adafruit.com/datasheets/ht16K33v110.pdf
http://wiringpi.com/reference/i2c-library/
[Xlib](https://www.x.org/releases/X11R7.7/doc/libX11/libX11/libX11.html)
/blah/2023-10-03.html
everything sucks so fucking hard
So. Roommates got evicted. Seeing the writing on the wall I packed my shit up
and left. Now that my repack's done I am now comfortably contained in a
backpack with strapped on sleeping bag and scooter on my shoulder. Where to go
next, though, was complicated.
2023-09-26 I got out of work and went back to my roommates. They were squatting
and for lack of space elsewhere I slept in the kitchen in my clothes and jacket
next to the litter box. The cats kept staring at me. It smelled like shit and
piss and the cats would paw at the litter to toss it on me. I got an hour of
sleep and went to work early.
2023-09-27 I got out of work and scooted up the street to a Dollar Tree around
which I scooted and found a nice clear area behind a railing next to a parking
lot. At work I had debated leaving the scooter. It's weight and something else
to carry. Eventually I just brought it though and it lay next to me in the
brush.
I laid out my sleeping bag, opened a book on my tablet, and silently and
comfortably if a little bit chilly read Hulk comics until I heard a distant
yell.
You mother fuck!
I looked up but I couldn't see the source.
Get out of here!
Perhaps it was voices. Perhaps it was a trick of the air. I laid back down. I
was wearing all black and my bivy was green against the olive brush. They
couldn't see me.
I see you out there! If you're still there I'm going to fucking kill you!
Night had by this time fallen. I sat up and got out my telescope.
At work I had also considered leaving it behind.
Two camoflouged cameras against the walls and two doors. The second one opened
and then closed. I was visible and I had probably been made. I began to pack my
stuff, quickly. Then the SUV arrived. Black, big, and it circled the parking
lot like a cat about to pounce on me. It's at this point I strap my sleeping
bag on halfway and with a glance at my former spot I got on my scooter and
sped. It started following me.
I scooted for a cliff, jumped off my scooter and jumped down onto the wet grass
sliding to a stop. I took the time to strap the rest of my sleeping bag on and
then from that ledge jumped down and scooted down a side street. Left. Right.
Left. Right. Left onto Lisbon St and eventually I was back at work.
[10:46 PM] trinity: outran an suv on a kick scooter
[10:46 PM] trinity: i am so swag
[11:03 PM] [..1]: i read that in your voice and it made me smile
[11:05 PM] [..2]: gayass
I was huffing and puffing and tuned my UV-5R to the county dispatch but there
was nothing, city dispatch is encrypted and I don't wanna bother figuring it
out so I assume whoever was after me was not police.
2023-03-06
post meta coital meta cigarette
pixelated bodies having meta sex
meta kids meta hacking both our meta eyes
peeping meta Toms in the same meta lie
/blah/2023-09-26.html
01 "It's pretty nice." Nice didn't begin to cut it. In fact, it was the
most beautiful wax sculpture I had ever seen. It depicted a life-sized nude
woman with intricate detail: hair so fine you could trace individual strands
down to their split ends, make out the scoring of her flesh and the lines in
her palms - including wrinkling that on the animate would indicate lack of
moisture. "Why the injury?"
3: Is your dog nice?
?: All dogs are nice.
3: Like. Can I pet your dog?
?: That's up to the dog.
/blah/2023-09-25.html
horizontal six letters; poly pollinators
that's a bee threesome. right!
shit you sunk my battleship
red peg in hole strike
vertical nine letters; alley alligators
that's a crocodile dealer. nice,
i want a pet reptile
but the vet bills are so high
i keep pissing washing my hands stepping out
my fly is down
i can't finish jack shit
and it's written on my frown
can you bind my knees together and sit me at my writers chair
and bring me coffee daily
and can you pet my floofy hair? no!
well i can't write about that
in a magazine like this
you're describing graphic violence
I write a nature column for the kids
you're reprehensibe
defending serial killers who pass laws
it's upsetting to my senses
from my cat ears to my paws
pin me by my bee wings 'cause the hive is dying out
repopulate our hexing nest babe breed me til the sun is down
no really! i'm so fucking weak i don't work out and i'm so pettable
tie me up take out a knife and then do something reprehensible
/blah/2023-09-23.html
My paycheck was $548.
no tape assembly
easy carry handles with lift off lid
strong, double wall construction
reusable
no tape
we're sticky ourselves
while our words bounce off your skin
they reflect and cut into our shells
so many razor blades in my back
i look like i lost a saw trap
easy carry so easy to get carried away
last time i was told to make them get the message
they almost got carried away on a stretcher
bury a stray
bullet in your heart and lift off the lid
see the lead beat with your organs
warm metal surgery
the wall is textured like the painter didn't care
because he didn't
your wallet's empty like your broke ass didn't work
because you didn't
bitch keep walking
bitch keep walking
butterfly knife in my right hip pocket
button quietly pops a scooter handle off it
and i have an EMP just in case shit gets rough
you never know what could happen getting groceries
times is tough
bitch keep walking
AC hum
a hostess apple pie gets eaten in a rush
"become ungovernable" bitch that's us
sisyphus in zeno's paradox only rolls up
twenty million sisyphuses surrounding the top
any rookie with a boulder is a threat
sell space at the zenith make amateurs pay rent
get defenestrated by straight finesse
another has been for the history texts
and yet
the only ones with the truth
are the ones who can't use it
or the ones who are useless
or the ones who have interests so vested
they can't wrestle their mind away. they lose it
to multibillion dollar trademarked facelessness
empathy's a weapon and capital can't stop testing it
and your heaven sent neolib is already in the dem trenches
"thank bernie for giving the overton window to leftists"
puppet parrot puppy left it for lobby dollar moral debting
netorare
i've been having car troubles bang bang
from the engine keeps me up bang bang
in the streets keeps me up bang bang
when i find my crew slacking bang bang
knock at the door, classy bang bang
bitch too loud, so i slap him bang bang
in the head disrespecting me bang bang
in the head dissecting me bang bang
in the head expecting me bang bang
in a bitch's head for testing me bang bang
and i'm home and in bed and free bang bang
the metal arm strikes the bell bang bang
shoes hit doorstep on the way out bang bang
get in and start the car bang bang
/blah/2023-09-19.html
I'm tired and I'm not recovering from things from which I should be recovering.
Everything hurts and the bruises are only ever replaced with new wounds. The
bruises aren't even from anything cool like [...] with [...] or [...].
I need headpats.
The Ballad of Sean and Josh
Sean is forty-eight
and Josh was twenty that
when Sean took Josh away
from the closet in the flat
where Josh had made his home
with a dealer selling crack
Sean lived with his ma
and Josh would live alone
in Sean's house room he'd lay
until fin'ly to Sean he said hello
they learned about each one's
/blah/2023-09-18.html
WITH THIS TECHNOLOGY
[kim jong un holding a floppy disk]
WE WILL BRING THE UNITED
STATES TO ITS KNEES
The first time I saw this image macro was in 2012 and I thought it was so funny
I laughed about it for a week.
Today [...] posted horg.com in [...].
The DPRK is kinda swag.
Once I transcribe all my GitHub repos to either this blah or src I can delete
them and finally have nothing on GitHub. I'm still keeping my account to track
contributions to GitHub repositories but I'm no longer using GitHub for even
things that aren't meaningful. I'm not super up to date on everything with it
but I don't like that CoPilot could be trained on my code and I don't like that
it looks like social media when I log in nowadays. Gotta remove all my stars...
2018-05-20
# GUESSNEXT
A guessing game for the TI-83/84(+).
## Installation
### Required software:
- [TI-Connect](https://education.ti.com/en/products/computer-software
/ti-connect-sw "ti.com")
- [TokensIDE](https://www.ticalc.org/archives/files/fileinfo/433/43315.html
"ticalc.org")
### Installing from the source code:
01. Download GUESSNXT.txt.
02. Install TokensIDE.
03. Open GUESSNXT.txt in TokensIDE.
04. Delete the documentation (lines preceded by a "//").
05. Remove any empty lines.
06. Compile the program by pressing F5 or going into the BUILD MENU and
selecting 8X>8XP.
08. Install TI-Connect.
09. Plug in your calculator.
10. Open TI-Connect.
11. Open your file explorer and navigate to the directory with GUESSNXT.8XP in
it.
12. Copy GUESSNXT to your calculator.
13. Wait for the copy process to finish and wait an additional ten seconds for
TI-Connect to finish calibration.
14. Unplug your calculator.
15. Enjoy your game!
## Compatibility
TI-83 - Unsupported
TI-83+ - Should work; untested
TI-84+ - Tested working
TI-84+ SE - Should work; untested
2018-05-20
40 - Disp "OUT OF GUESSES.
40 + Disp "OUT OF GUESSES.","IT WAS:",B
2018-05-22
16 16 //Main loop
17 17 Lbl B
18 18 Disp D," TO",E,"","YOUR GUESS?
19 - Input "> ",C
19 + Input "> ",Str0
20 + If Str0="B
21 + Then
22 + Disp "CHEATER!!!
23 + Return
24 + End
25 + expr(Str0)->C
26 + Delvar Str0
20 27 A-1->A
21 28 If C=B
22 29 Disp "CORRECT","
2018-05-30
6 6 ### Required software:
7 7 - [TI-Connect](https://education.ti.com/en/products/computer-software
/ti-connect-sw "ti.com")
8 - - [TokensIDE](https://www.ticalc.org/archives/files/fileinfo/433/
43315.html "ticalc.org")
8 + - [TokensIDE](https://www.ticalc.org/archives/files/fileinfo/433/
43315.html "ticalc.org") (if installing from the source code)
9 9
10 10 ### Installing from the source code:
11 11 01. Download GUESSNXT.txt.
[...]
22 22 13. Wait for the copy process to finish and wait an additional ten
seconds for TI-Connect to finish calibration.
23 23 14. Unplug your calculator.
24 24 15. Enjoy your game!
25 +
26 + ### Installing a release:
27 + 01. Go to the releases page and grab GUESSNXT.8xp.
28 + 03. Install TI-Connect.
29 + 04. Plug in your calculator.
30 + 05. Open TI-Connect.
31 + 06. Open your file explorer and navigate to the directory with GUESSNXT
in it.
32 + 07. Copy GUESSNXT to your calculator.
33 + 08. Wait for the copy process to finish and wait an additional ten
seconds for TI-Connect to finish calibration.
34 + 09. Unplug your calculator.
35 + 10. Enjoy your game!
26 - Delvar Str0
26 + DelVar Str0
/blah/2023-09-17.html
[10:33PM] trinity: i like puzzling out timeframes. the more the past makes
sense the more the present does
I'm twenty years old. Two decades old. No longer teenage by any stretch of the
word.
Dear future self -
you better be kicking as much fucking ass as I have kicked and am
presently kicking. We have a reputation to keep.
I was hoping to have a book published by the time I turned 20. I think I tossed
the manuscript. The plot was meandering and while it was serviceable I think
I'm just gonna write something else.
My paycheck last Friday was $555.28.
I read Tank Girl and liked it. Tank Girl 2 I liked less but liked a whole lot
more high than sober. Chronologically the next one is the movie novelization
but it's a little harder to find for download and my texts SD card shattered
due to high stress (I get it).
We arrived at the Orlando Greyhound station, kissed, and I went inside to
double check whether my bus was there yet. They had a different time listed for
my bus than what I had on my ticket so I went to the information desk for help.
They said I needed to jet over to the address on my ticket, which, rather than
the place at which I had been dropped off, that place, which I had foolishly
assumed was the same place I should depart, was a small bus tours business in
an Asian marketplace. So we went over there.
The car ride took a bit and it was stressed about me missing my bus. I was
stressed too but pretended not to be. I asked if I could get my ticket
rescheduled and the clerk told me in broken English I should catch the bus at
the station we had just left. I said it would be impossible to catch the bus
because it had left by the time we got to Atlanta Bus Tours and the clerk said
that was a real shame because I couldn't reschedule my ticket or get a refund,
but that I should check the Greyhound website. The website was barren except a
cancellation page that errored on my ticket number.
However before determining I was stranded in Orlando Florida I, heroically,
told my girlfriend it could drop me off and I would Figure It Out. I am averse
to asking for help, severely and perhaps it is terminal without intervention.
But then I would have to bother someone to intervene. I slept that night under
a palm tree across from an abandoned Magic Outlet Mall. I thought this was a
franchise but looking it up it is in fact the one and only Magic Outlet Mall.
The reviews are good.
The original plan for Orlando was to spend my time browsing the city and visit
a friend in the area (now girlfriend) and the plan slowly morphed into spending
most of the week in a bed and being really well rested. It felt really good to
be well rested, actually. My head was clear. The plan was originally to sleep
in forgotten areas of Orlando but I couldn't have imagined how sparse the city
is. Cities should be dense, naturally developed, zoned curiously and built
vertically where space was no longer available otherwise. Orlando is the
opposite. My time in Florida was the best week of my life despite all of this.
Easily.
Spotify Playlist: florida
Billy Knows Jamie 100 gecs
Kiss My Own Dick David Shawty, Yungster Jack
dui estelle allen
CREEP U Black Dresses
Tell Me Your Secret death's dynamic shroud
うずまき Machine Girl
I Slept With Someone in Fall Fall Out Boy
Out Boy And All I Got Was This
Stupid Song Written About Me
Somebody's Watching Me Rockwell
Revenge Captainsparklez, Tryhardninja
N95 Kendrick Lamar
Nightcall Kavinsky
Cops and robbers underscores
Loansharks underscores
Old money bitch underscores
2023-08-28
[ 8:53 AM] trinity: fuck plato
[ 8:53 AM] trinity: plato would fuck a mcchicken and say hey guys look i had sex
[ 8:55 AM] trinity: stupid motherfucker
2023-08-29
[12:33 AM] [...]: wgat
[12:33 AM] [...]: what
[12:33 AM] [...]: real
[ 9:05 PM] trinity: full moon. spooky
[ 9:05 PM] trinity: why was i so angry at plato
[ 9:05 PM] trinity: i think i wrote that at a wendys
[ 9:05 PM] trinity: wendys seasoned potatoes sorta fuck
[ 9:19 PM] [...]: cause plato sux
2018-05-20
Disp "GUESSNEXT","CODED BY","DEVEN BLAKE 2018
Pause
ClrHome
5->A
//Prepper
Lbl A
5+A->A
Disp "GUESSES:",A
Pause
randInt(1,100)->B
1->D
100->E
ClrHome
//Main loop
Lbl B
Disp D," TO",E,"","YOUR GUESS?
Input "> ",C
A-1->A
If C=B
Disp "CORRECT","
//Seperate IFs so as to avoid memory leakage
If C=B
Goto A
If C<B
Then
Disp "TOO LOW
If C>D
C->D
End
If C>B
Then
Disp "TOO HIGH
If C<E
C->E
End
If A<1
Then
Disp "OUT OF GUESSES.
Return
End
Goto B
/blah/2023-09-16.html
The pages got disorganized in my backpack, so here they are as I dig them out.
The View from Halfway Down is definitely from before any of the other pages, I
decided to change the name after the person for which I went to Florida noted
it was the name of a Bojack Horseman episode.
---
Homelessness is a crime few want to commit. Dear vagabonds and ruffians, the
former being my category, do, though I thought carefully before deciding. Most
don't. Human beings need creature comforts, consistency, safety. Maybe I'm not
a __real__ vagabond. I'd like housing. I just can't fathom honest safety;
acceptance.
Salsa shark.
I'm not a real programmer, not a real writer, not a real vagabond, not a real
human, not a real woman, barely a cook - a bad one, and a burden on my loved
ones. The voices in my head disagree. When did I become the negative one?
I imagine if I don't catch a bus in 7 hours I will be swept into the ocean. I
understand - no, kin - Dostoevsky.
I will start asking others to help me. I sort of wish my ancestors stayed in
Finland. But I wouldn't have met [...], [...], [...]...
Draft kinlist
- Patrick Bateman
- Ryan Gosling
- ANARCHY Stocking
- IBUKI Maya
- AMANE Misa
- My friend Lily from Maine
- Saul Goodman
- Mike from Breaking Bad
- Mr. Triangle from Gravity Falls
- Charlie Chaplin
- Dostoevsky
- Franz Kafka
- Abandoned Magic Outlet
- Randall from Clerks
- Rorshach
---
Rules for the road: charging
Charge your biggest battery first. Use it last. Batteries before devices.
If near a power source, use it. 1% is a text message.
Charge as much as possible; if there are as many power sources as you have
devices, all your devices should be charging.
Use 1 device at a time, if necessary, if you can help it.
Internet takes battery. Cell networks take more.
2117: Departing Jacksonville
---
THE VIEW FROM HALFWAY DOWN (pg. 1)
My job is to separate the bones. I stand at South Station in front of a
conveyer belt - my conveyer belt, just for me - and dip my hands through the
skim and pick the bones out of the line. The bones go to the vat to my right,
to level twenty-something, where the marrow is extracted and they make the
jelly. The meat, the fat, and most importantly, the blood, go further down the
line and to level 31 which I can see below me. Level 31 is where the content is
homogenized.
I saw and talked to someone when I was in training. I don't remember its name.
It handed me my scalpel and taught me where to cut. The torso is handled by
those before me, whose work I admire. I admired the eyes to whose nose I
talked. The stainless steel. Smell of warmth. Blood from limb.
Those before me cut a Y into the chest and take the organs. My turn is already
hollowed so I use my scalpel to - efficiently - extract the bones from the
forearm, the upper arm, calves, thighs. Cut dip pull move. Cut dip pull move.
I can tell when a new hire takes over. The cuts aren't as neat, more is taken
with the organs than necessary.
It's so loud. Something always needs chopping, grinding. I hear dremels above
me sawing through bone. Everything is red.
I separate the bones because I was told to do so, and separating the bones is
how I am let live, let breathe, let sip, let eat the meat. My first day is my
breath, my second water, my third my apartment, my fourth this. This meat.
It is ground and turned to food. People beget people beget me. Simply. I
remember it that begot me. My handcuffs were unlocked in front of a
blue-painted skyscraper, my home.
---
Today I woke up next to [...]
and the [...]
oh, to think, since it's been 48 hours
today's four days long shoulda already been home
I can't remember yesterday, it's sure been a while
Since I asked did we - did you - while reaching for my phone
[...]
it's been two days since yesterday and I still haven't seen [...]
I missed my bus, shit, went to the wrong station
the agent told me there wasn't any way to change it
$250 down the drawin and I slept under a palm tree
a friend booked the next ticket, owed me, now I'll pay the difference
---
machine
and no there won't
be a sequel
---
[grossly inaccurate drawing of the fifty United States
---
THE VIEW FROM HALFWAY DOWN (pg. 2)
From the top of the skyscraper I heard the bellows of the heavens. The distance
made the roar fade and twist into a melodious drone that seemed to be the tone
of the local crimson soil and the resonance of being. I clutched the railing of
the lift upwards, 33 stories minus none, that carried me into the low ashen
clouds. The noise crescendoed.
It was halfway up that lift, 16 stories or so, that I met my predecessor. We
made eye contact, me slowly going up and it, stained all over in various films
of scarlet, swiftly descending. In a second I heard vague yowls of excitement
far below me.
Suicide is the most natural way to die. By choice rather than by chance. In my
opinion to die in such a way as to mix impure brain or spine with meat is to
end in selfishness, to ensure death with one's calories.
To say nothing of the crime. I stayed on the lift because that is my job and my
duty, and I realize that now. I committed a heinous act. I don't remember it
and naturally could not therefore defend myself. I now commit all my heinous
acts to memory.
I was a cook. My job was to render meat into meals; patties, stew, sausage, and
sometimes delicacies if a person to me noble came to the kitchen. I thought the
work was difficult.
I like to think about dying. To be separating my own bones on line. When I die
I'd like my cuts to be beautiful, sharp and clean, by those professional
processors that have honed their craft with their blade.
Sometimes the bones are broken. Sometimes all the bones are broken. Nothing was
not deafening. But nothing, too, became deafening. The drone joined my silence,
residue in my riddled brain. I lie awake at night, if for nothing else then the
cacophony.
---
THE VIEW FROM HALFWAY DOWN (pg. 3)
I have been chauffered from place to place, as if I am cattle, since I was very
young. Perhaps it has been this way forever. I love my job. I love the smell.
It may seem unbelievable but it's true, I was raised in the smell, I know the
scent of blood better than flesh, I love the smell. I have also made my peace
with the unending mechanical thunder. I can't hear much else. My fingers may as
well have been tattooed red. Cut dip pull move.
I don't know where the people came from. Nor do I know whom I would ask. I live
just as well.
---
2023-08-19 T 1400
ON A GREYHOUND...
An hour or so ago, between Lewiston (Maine) & Portland (Maine), the driver
stopped the bus, opened the door, stepped out, took some paces into Maine's
ubiquitous forest, and out of our sight, pissed.
There's something about commercial transit in this state that makes ya gotta
go, I suppose.
I'm sitting wedged against my pack and carryon, Lynn, never before mentioned
stuffed IKEA shark, above me, wondering when I can smoke my next cigarette.
I imagine Lynn is wondering when I'll again quit.
Greyhound is comfortably, perhaps haphazardly, disorganized. I was hoping I
could stow my pack under the bus. Funny thing about hope... I've been rereading
Watchmen and listening to the driver's radio. 80s? 60s-80s?
I wanna see [...]. 150mins down. 2790mins to go. At least by my small mental
scratchpad. I'm embarrassed to do the math out on this real pad. I have 3
calculators...
---
PHONE ATT.
------------- -------------
| INT SDA SCL | | SCL SDA INT |
| DCIN 5V GND | | GND 5V DCIN |
------------- -------------
-------------
| 1 _ DCIN ___|
| 2 _ VOUT ___|
| 3 _ GND ____|
| 4 _ SCL ____|
| 5 _ SDA ____|
| 6 _ INT ____|
-------------
---
2023年08月27日
I SHOULD BE ON A GREYHOUND...
Today is sunday so I guess I'll start from last Monday.
On the 21st, 1300 or so, I arrived in Orlando Florida, city - city? - of dear
hearts and weak knees. I was here to see a beloved someone and soak up some sun
and have a good time. I've never been to Florida before - in fact, I'd only
been as far as Virginia, which I didn't particularly like. I remember being
disappointed we couldn't go to a Kentucky KFC. How goals change...
I called an ex-roommate and we spoke about how things were up in Maine: not
great. Then I called [...] who was on its way over to pick me up, on a car trip
longer than I would expect (20mins? 30?). After confusion about where it was
going (the nearest Family Dollar so I could get deodorant after spending 49
hours on a bus) it arrived.
It was shorter in meatspace than I expected. More beautiful. We met on-line in
[...] after a video call in which I noticed it and got flustered at how hot it
was and it got flustered at my calling it fucking stunningly gorgeous and
everyone else in the video call in the programming community sat in silence. I
threw my backpack and carry-on in the back of the car and got in the passenger
seat and I got flustered and it got flustered still more than half a year later
for the same reasons.
Every siren makes me nervous. I know how this city treats its homeless. City?
---
Orlando isn't what I, a Mainer, imagine a city to be. Before Florida's
colonization and sterilization it was just a swamp or something like that -
every presence, as well as every absense, is deliberate. It's strange how much
absence there is. Sprawling empty parking lots, five-lane roads, lines of palm
trees and now cars and the empty Magic Outlet in front of me. A city is dense.
You can walk to another restaurant in less than five minutes if you're not
enjoying your meal. People talk to you, maybe not in your language but a little
gesturing goes a long way. There is nobody in Orlando except the sun and the
heat.
1730. No new text messages. I'm considering pawning my sleeping bag.
1804. 1 new text message.
On the 21st, 1500 or so, after some typical affection - as in, the act, not as
in what it meant to me - I took my first shower since about 2300-0100 between
the 18th and 19th in Maine. The water in Orlando is excellent. Ice is a must as
most taps only allow a selection between hot and lukewarm due to the
temperature.
Then I don't remember. And what I can remember doesn't belong here.
I thought nechan was eye-chan, but eye is me [this is Japanese; pronounced
"meh"]. Its eyes are beautiful. Much of this week I was paralyzed in awe at how
beautiful my girlfriend is. It is also just in general an excellent person. We
cooked dinner together nearly every night, it learning my rat bastard scarcity
recipes and I learning what real food tastes like and how to pronounce
jalape~no (hah lah peh nyo).
"There's something inside you. It's hard to explain. They're talking about you,
boy, but you're still the same."
---
I think it's going to rain and I have no shelter. Maybe I could figure a way
into that Magic Outlet but I have too much in my backpack to hop a fence and no
decent tools for lockpicking.
1833. No new text messages.
Received SMS from ??? ([...]) at 2023-08-27T17:07:38-0400:
stay as safe as you can please
TRINITY: Would you still love me if I was a worm?
[...]: No.
TRINITY: ...
I would still love you if you were a worm.
[...]: You love me?
I'm sorry for not showing it with my actions. Of course I love you. That was
what I was figuring out while I disappeared.
I don't know how to ask for what I need.
Magic Outlet Mall: Brand Names for Less
says the sign's faded vestige on tan-gray bricks
above palm trees yellow tape abandoned commerce sign
the magic outlet tapped out ain't that just the way
I don't miss my bed because I never had a bed
I had an air mattress flattened every morning by seven
then I got a foam slab but I'd still feel the bedframe
I don't miss my bed, I miss having my own space.
Magic Outlet Mall: Brand Names for Less
now here we both lie in the dirt at sunset
the light here is different prettier in many ways
better home than my last home, no roaches or sleeping bag cat spray
1-800-FL-LEGAL I just keyed a Tesla
my magic outlet sleeping space saw a rich asshole intruder
where will you deport me bitch barely of this earth
I'm from an orbiter of mars and polycule network
---
2004. No new messages.
I just heard a cicada for the first time. They're deafening. Like a car alarm
in immediate proximity. They make a piezo buzz like they're charging up a
missile and continue to target you with an otherworldly humm until the sun
finishes its descent.
The sun and his heat are gone. It is me and Luna and Gaia that remain. Lights
are on at the magic outlet. I guess it had a little more power.
I did not need my laptop, tech repair kit, phone parts, or two tablets. I
should have brought 1 tablet, my phone, and that's it. I needed a UV5R with
extended battery. I did not need the condoms. Gay sex is better anyway. I miss
my 5.11 RUSH 48. The ALICE's organization isn't great and it's harder to pass
unnoticed. Better would be TSA carry-on sized, then I wouldn't need to part
with my luggage. Greyhound never searched me. I'm covered in mosquito bites.
---
2023年08月28日
Hurricane Idalia - maybe only a tropical storm, I'm not sure - hits Florida
tomorrow, and for that I will need to either stay with a friend or find a
strong umbrella.
My bivy didn't survive the night, kinda shit but makes good insulation from the
ground. I could have roughed it but I wanted to be comfortable and I was
worried about bugs. I'm really unfamiliar with the local flora and fauna.
I had tickets to Billy Joel and Arctic Monkeys. I was only excited to see the
friend with which I booked them. And now the plan is to go back to our
hometown.
I'm scruffy and my hair is wack. We - as in, my girlfriend and I, which is a
delight for me to write - were planning on watching a lot of vampire movies:
Nosferatu, Only Lovers Left Alive, and Shadow of the Vampire. We ended up
watching the old classics American Psycho, Clerks, and Drive. It had never seen
Clerks and I had never seen Drie. Nor had [...] who was there Saturday. I
didn't catch a lot of the plot of Drive as I was distracted but [...] explained
it in the morning and it seems like a good movie. I was surprised at how
graphic [...]'s death in the movie was, it was a little triggering to be
honest.
It feels good to be bitten. Bitten hard. Bitten so hard you have a mark the
next day, a bruise after a week. It feels good to bite. I bite weakly,
cautiously. I bite worried about the mark and tearing flesh and the pain. It
feels better to be bitten by one that does not care. But I feel bad when I
don't care.
/blah/2023-09-09.html
western mysticism influencers stick
dispensing business stickers onto crosswalk notices
and say that mary jane is the merriest trick
and that egotistic bourgouis corpos shouldn't be so rich
/blah/2023-09-04.html
Regarding something I read.
I feel some guilt for not really having a lot of trans pride.
I grew up on /b/. Post golden era, when /pol/ started festering in its second
coming and pseudoanons started spiking the machine, everything got a lot more
transphobic. I didn't give a shit what the r/greentext exiles bore in prejudice
but I knew their opinions roughly reflected the 20% or so and life would be
easier if I lived without making them piss and shit themselves. But being
dishonest with myself, or being honest with myself but hiding who I was, didn't
work for me. I felt nothing as I breathed nothing and I worked on hidden
projects and scum agendas with the pitch hands of a tear in space, wordlessly
and heartlessly to test the limits to which a person could influence. Rage
against the biomass. I also wasn't able to safely come out in meatspace but to
a few at the time friends who still misgender me after years.
My dream was not to be accepted and trans, but to be ignored and a cis woman.
Or pass as a cis woman.
I too started programming on graphing calculators but I felt invalid, not a
true programmer, so I called it coding, and myself a coder, as evident by the
splashes I put before my TI-BASIC programs. Deven Blake is not my deadname, by
the way - I had my name changed when I was very young. I still don't see myself
as a programmer. Insecurities.
I had other thoughts but I forgot them.
2023年06月27日
When I started learning to program all I had was FreeBASIC and I just. Didn't.
Get it. Nor did I get PetitComputer which I got for my DSi XL. The first time I
made anything was when I was 11, 3 years after I started learning, and made a
simple drawing demo in Processing.JS.
I was not a natural programmer. Lacking any sort of lessons or guidance or a
lot of motivation I floundered, and floundered, and floundered, and tried and
failed a dozen times. Pascal, Fortran, Petit Computer, FreeBASIC, Microsoft
Batch, SmileBASIC, a dozen more. Now I work in C and shell, only because I
learned shell to script tasks and learned C to understand my scripts better.
A lot of people see expert programmers and get discouraged. My advice: Pick a
_good_ tool ~~(C or shell)~~ and stay until you know it. Python!
OK I'm done shitting
need more fiber
I'm elsewhere, AFK - I wanna add this to the blah though.
Undated; maybe from a year ago? Written on a paper bag in black sharpie
soy sauce -> dill
-> teriyaki
-> avocado
-> salt
no too
Na
coffee
avocado -> ? brown ?
chai honey
blueberry lemon
green tea maple
pineapple -> oat soggy?
-> grape
key of C cheese
cream cheese
sat atop a
speaker playing
435Hz until
the Cc is
extra soft
"dream cheese"
-> orange zest
mainly -> chamomile
-> green tea
lemon
honey
"mean cheese"
-> jalapeno
chili powder
cinnamon?
orange zest?
~~paprika?~~
~~turmeric?~~
pumpkin?
cinnamon?
kale?
salt?
pepper?
mint -> lavendar
-> coconut
-> garlic?
garlic rosemary
licorice + lavendar?
malta cream cheese
-> how?
[ -> why? ]
dandelion?
dandelion maple?
wasabi?
birthday cake?
bubblegum?
matcha!
cinnamon ginger
cola?
moxie!!!
mountain dew?
doritos?
fritos?
"team cheese" blueberry
for olympics strawberry
season (2024?)
2023年07月03日
07-05 wisdom
teeth recheck
8AM be there @ 7
commie gets fucked by capitalist,
well he was so hot
can't afford the rent
and he drives mercedes benz
and we did it in the parking lot
all of the fucking jacked in bullshit
went to law school on daddy's nest egg
and I'm stealing toilet paper out of the store
I had a good thing and I fucked it up
everyone I know has gone
came down into the mosh pit so I can push you away
just hit your head get out and run
I had a good thing and fucked everything up
all my friends moved on
I'm still here sleeping on the floor
yeah didn't we have so much fun
2023年07月04日
July 4 - when the
USA declared independ[...]
from Monarchist cunts.
I'm hiding in a parking
lot far from the hordes
that have invaded the
~~areas of~~ usual areas
of congregation. Loungi[...]
against my backpack
among Razor scooter
and Sony camera
watching the st[...]
sky
Amateur pyrotechnicians,
like teenagers on prom
night, put all their
effort into the first
five minutes of their
shows that blaze
occasionally during
twilight. The pre-show
to the fireworks
demonstration - paid
for by your tax dollars
- performed by the
city. I'm considering
breaking into an old
mill to see sky from
roof.
But that's so much
effort and the crisp
air hasn't yet cooled
me after my frantic
dash on two cheap
wheels from unnerving,
unthinking, unpredictable
crowds. A pack of
wild children crosses
my turf before deciding
to continue up Canal St.
My face itches. The
sweat and my
moisturizer are
considering waging
war on my dry skin.
2023年07月12日
[...] appt 18日1000
2023年07月13日
methamphetamine
took all his molars
and then crack cocaine
only left his front teeth
Paul always yearns
for steak medium rare
but the man only has
cans of soup to eat
consumption begets
more of the same
when it doesn't,
it's illegal
give me your money,
shoes, or brain
you're not allowed
to call me evil
I am the capital
meth took my molars
crack took my canines
lying on a park bench
what took my mind
i can't sleep in a bed
won't sleep in a bed
i can't sleep in a bed
what took my mind
the gray matter bubbled
bends made me all fried
I keep tossing & turning
what took my mind
how do you fix that?'
death
but I love life and I love
sex
my friends all died and I'm
left
but it's not now my turn to
end
I just want a steak
but crack took my canines
my destructive consumption
what the hell took my mind
methamphetamine
took my molars
crack cocaine
took my canines
then life decided to
dissolve my gray matter
please, Gaia
who took my mind?
destructive consumption
oh how badly I crave steak
all I've got's my two front teeth
can't eat even if I have my cake
my nerves shoot my eyes
head won't stop. someone end my pain
please, Gaia
who did this to my brain
2018-08-30
Disp "SCHEDULE","CODED BY","DEVEN BLAKE 2018
Pause
ClrHome
//Menu
Lbl M
0→Z
Menu("LHS SCHEDULE","VIEW SCHEDULE",A,"EDIT SCHEDULE",B,"QUIT",C
Stop
//View
Lbl A
ClrHome
For(A,1,8
"!D:→Str1
A
Asm(prgmLBLRW
Output(A,1,Ans
End
0
While Ans≠21
getKey
If Ans≠0
Output(8,1,"2ND TO QUIT
Goto M
//Edit
Lbl B
ClrHome
Output(1,1,"1-8 TO EDIT
Output(2,1,"OTHERS TO QUIT
0→A
0
While Ans=0
getKey
If Ans=72
7→A
If Ans=73
8→A
If Ans=82
4→A
If Ans=83
5→A
If Ans=84
6→A
If Ans=92
1→A
If Ans=93
2→A
If Ans=94
3→A
End
If A=0
Goto M
ClrHome
Disp "ENTER NEW DATA
Input "",Str1
"D:"+Str1→Str1
A
Asm(prgmLBLRW
ClrHome
Disp "DATA CHANGED!
While Ans≠21
getKey
End
Goto M
//Quit
Lbl C
ClrHome
Stop
//Data
Lbl D
PERIOD ONE
PERIOD TWO
PERIOD THREE
PERIOD FOUR
PERIOD FIVE
PERIOD SIX
PERIOD SEVEN
PERIOD EIGHT
/blah/2023-08-25.html
the voices in my head just gave me a pep talk
i was wondering if my presence had done harm
because my host just went away said they thought they felt pent up
now i'm sitting here in the dark on my laptop
i can't justify my presence if i've done harm
can't justify existing if my presence won't let pain stop
i worry about hurting everybody i love
they say it's not my fault but would say the same if it was
i'm not feeling great it's not my stomach it's my head i
think it's the static state of my location i've been in i
was wondering if i could get some space for a minute i
am going out i'll be back or if not i will text you back bye
i cleaned the room i'm staying in it's not my room it's its
it's its near institution living space i've invaded and its
floor is taken over by my shit from my backpack it is
now in the corner so it's not so claustrophobic inducing
i should shit or get off the pot but i still won't turn the light on
i would rather sit in darkness than walk over to the switch my
laptop is light enough and i don't like disturbing the air
/blah/2023-08-23.html
roses are red
the warmest color is blue
holy fuck i'm in florida
and i'm on your todo
it's so nice to be normal
but there's nothing normal about you
you are so fucking special
and i know you're kind of weird too
I feel good. Really good. This is the best vacation of my life.
/blah/2023-08-20.html
On a Greyhound...
I'm in South Carolina, or maybe Georgia. A long way from Maine - don't remind
me. Or do.
I have made it out of Lewiston.
The most tearful goodbye was my sidekick with whom I have resolved to join in
four months. I'm considering returning to Lewiston because I am so worried
about her alone in the colloquial "dirty Lew". Atlanta is 130 miles away, so
this must not be Georgia.
I wouldn't go to Hell if it was the only way I could see her. But if it was the
only remaining way to see my sidekick I would think about departing every hour.
Now the notion for myself is out of the question, completely, absolutely, not
even by accident. I'm more careful now. Fewer risks taken. Healthier choices.
Which isn't to say our separation would destroy us. We take measures to ensure
minimal if any codependency. But a wrongful separation, too soon or too early,
would.
The skyline has McDonald's, Arby's, Exxon. It could be a Maine skyline if the
Makku didn't have neon on its fringe, if the gas station was by a different
name, if there wasn't also a Waffle House. I hadn't seen a BP gas station in
my life until Virginia or so when I first noticed a "green Irving".
Anderson, South Carolina. I need to take my estrogen. Done. I am so thoroughly
farther from the place from which I was I can already scarcely remember the
sparse urbanoid environment. The forested ghetto.
The local accent has in common with mine that Atlanta is "et LANna". I wonder
what the older, thicker Maine accent would say.
Next stop: Gainsville, Georgia, if I spelled it right. I'd like to go to a
Waffle House. I wonder if they have vegan options.
/blah/2023-08-14.html
2021-01-12
sitcom.txt
CARLOS walks into the room.
FELL: So, how'd it go?
CARLOS: It went well. It went pretty well.
CARLOS faints onto the sofa. FELL grabs a bottle of water and pours a
third of it on CARLOS.
FELL: Well? Just well? Did you...
CARLOS (sputtering from the water): Yeah. Yeah we did. It was... sexy.
FELL: Sexy?
CARLOS: I mean, I almost died. But it was sexy.
FELL: How?..
CARLOS: Ah.. strangulation?
FELL: Strangulation?
CARLOS: I was suspended from her ceiling fan by a rope.
FELL: Oh.
CARLOS: I just need to take a quick nap to recuperate here.
FELL: Is that why you have a new turtleneck?
CARLOS: Yeah. She gave it to me when she took me out to Dennys.
FELL: Oh, well that was nice of her.
CARLOS: On a leash.
FELL: A leash?
CARLOS: I was fortunately wearing a paper bag, so it's okay. No embarrassment.
FELL: How did you eat?
CARLOS: I didn't. She said she was going to peg me later.
FELL: Did she?
CARLOS: Yes.
FELL: Was it your first time?
CARLOS: No. Thank god. She pulled out a nine-incher-
FELL: Jesus, a nine-incher?
CARLOS: That's what she called it. It was more than a foot though.
FELL: The nine inches was...
CARLOS: The nine inches was its girth. Yeah.
FELL: Did it hurt?
CARLOS: Not really, she gave me some drugs or something-
FELL: Let me see your eyes.
FELL shines a bright light into CARLOS'S eyes. Their pupils shrink.
FELL: Your eyes aren't dilated.
CARLOS: Yeah, I'm not still high or anything.
FELL: So, she hanged you up like a pin~ata-
CARLOS: Like some kind of French pin~ata-
FELL: and then after she was done with you there, doing?..
CARLOS: She put a vibrator in my ass.
FELL: So you were swinging around by your neck with a vibrator in your ass?
CARLOS: In my ass and two on my nipples.
FELL (concerned): Was all of this consensual?
CARLOS: What, does she seem like a fucking monster to you? Of course it was.
FELL: I was just checking.
CARLOS: I loved that shit. We're going on our second date next Friday.
FELL: That was the first date?
CARLOS: That was me coming over to play video games. Things just snowballed.
2021-12-03
priongod.odt
I am rotting. I can feel it. My brain eats at my skull at my eyes at my
tongue my tongue. Left arm gone. GOne. I am sitting in this freezer rotting.
The flies cannot find me but it doesn’t matter. In the years after I am gone
the precipitation the weather the wind the rain the snow the sleet the hail
will fall will reign will blow will fall will fall will destroy this building
not today not tomorrow not in a hundred years but. IN a hundred years. Plus
one. Plus one day. The rust, the rot, the rot of the barrier between me and the
world will become rot in here with me with what used to be me. And my rot, my
sacred rot, will join the world’s. And the flies will find me will find what’s
left and they will love me and I shall bE THEIR GOD. But now as I sit I a,m no
GOD no MESSIA the messiah came and I was weak as were everyone ELSE. We are all
dead. I am merely the last animate in a sea of death.
I was seven days younger when the fast moving slow destroying
harbringer of harrowing horror bit flipped and started eating a cow a hundred
magnitudes’ faster. Deus ex bovem venit.
Nobody at work read the news. Then half the cows in Canada died in the
span of eight hours. Nobody at work could afford to hide from the news anymore.
Fast food. Our lives were made from the deaths and consumption of cows.
By the time the corporation that owned the building in which I made my
living determined the price of the new scarce burger the rest of the cows in
Canada had died too, and half the people had died with them. It was at this
point that people started to worry.
Six days ago I woke up to an alarm clock that would never ring again to
a world that had changed and to the realization that I could not feel my left
foot.
2021-12-23
epilogue.odt
I woke up at dawn to the peace of my home, got out of bed, without
making it, a single pillow and blankets on a tatami mat, next to some books,
found in the basement of a church, some of its stones even still standing,
whatever denomination it was wiped away with its believers, said good morning
to my mother and father, whom I love, and who taught me love, love the only
thing I know, war wiped away, destroyed not by itself but by something smaller,
greater, got out the door, spoke my hello to the cow, the chicken, the grass,
the flowers, and began my stroll through the green, my daily walk, through the
once urbanus field, the only thing remaining being the dust of concrete and
glass, metal, lithium, my stroll my favorite exercise, through the peace of the
outside, from the peace of my home, in this piece of the world.
With the ascending sun today to my starboard, I walked through my field
of soy and wheat and potatoes, almost undisturbed by rot. I kept beatpace until
it reached halfway between the heaven and the dirt which was when I came to the
barrier, new, of the century, that had bothered me last moon. There it stood.
Moss had yet to take its rightful place and no cracks were in its boulders.
Enough powder we had to take us again to this season, more than enough barrels,
yes, but I’d have liked more soy just in case. More soy in that place. Now
there were only stones and flowers.
By the sun’s peak I’d returned home, and knowing my father had known
this land before I’d known this life, I found him in a rocking chair in the
pasture, rocking back and forth, staring at a lone tree in the shadow, his hand
fallen to his side, fingers brushing the cow, whose own chest rose and fell, as
he rocked, the cow laying next to him in the same peace. “Father, do you know
the edifice, beatpace eighth the right sun from home, new as it stands?”
He didn’t open his eyes. “Yes, if you can call it that. My own father
built it. Do you know why it stands?”
“No.”
My father took his hand from the cow and traced the air. “It…” he
trailed off. “The words flee. Where are we to Sol?”
“Nine suns past its solstice.”
He smiled. “Bo; go back to the stones. You’ll see why your ancestor
erected them.”
I returned to the stones by the time evening started to take its toll,
sat by the flowers, and waited for epiphany. It came after the sun’s set, when
a low roar rose from the sun’s resting place. I lay staring up at the brilliant
night sky when the roar swallowed me all at once. Jumping to my feet, I saw it
all around me, a black mass, running past me towards the sea. A herd of cattle.
I’d never seen one before, nor had I seen so many fauna in the same place,
twenty or thirty cows running towards what I had never known. I and the moon
above me stood upright watching them go.
After I slept I returned to my father, still in the pasture. The cow’s
chest was stationary.
“Miles, did you find what you sought?”
“Yes.”
My father seemed weary. “Would you say it’s been nice, to be here? To
exist in this world?”
The tree’s leaves were as green as I remembered. “Yes. It’s a good
world.”
Father smiled. “I’m glad you see it this way.”
/blah/2023-08-12.html
Five more days.
The tubes are in the process of being packed. I'm gonna do some cleaning this
morning (maybe). I have a shit ton of Thinkpad X200 Tablets from work I was
doing and I was gonna give one or two to locals but I think our government
provided tablets are enough for everyone.
I don't have the energy to explain. Through some government program the needy,
after filling out half a dozen forms, are given a free ten-inch tablet and a
15GB/month 4G LTE data plan that will be paid for until whatever act provides
it expires. Or you can bribe the person handing them out. $20 bought me a ten-
inch tablet and 15GB/month indefinite data plan. I don't feel bad because I
most likely qualify, I just hate forms. I can't figure them out. Something in
my noggin just can't do paperwork. I've been using the government tablet for
piracy. Breaking the law with government approval works pretty well for the
CIA, at least.
I got new Doc Martens and I feel scummy about it. They're a leather product. A
cow died so my feet could be dry. They don't make 1460 SRs (slip resistants)
vegan and I need them for kitchen jobs - while regular 1460s are good enough
for a kitchen, I need my boots to be unimpeachably adequate, which these
standards-compliant boots are. And they cost an arm and a leg but hopefully
they're worth it.
/blah/2023-08-06.html
The blah/ works now as well as it did early July, but is based on homepage, my
fucky single file static site generator. This was something I needed to take
care of before I left or I wouldn't get around to it; if I'm using some shitty
interface to edit the git repository instead of good old UNIX (which may happen
if my tech breaks down) I don't wanna figure out how to manage directories and
new files and stuff. I just want to edit the same old file and hope the web
interface doesn't fuck everything up. Granted, I don't know if Sourcehut has a
web interface. So that could be like 50 hours of work down the drain. But I'm
happy with homepage and it's another quirky little project of mine.
/homepage.local verbatim
#!/bin/sh
set -x
for f in ./blah/*.html
do
awk '
BEGIN { n = 0; }
/^\$!NAVIGATION$/ {
if(++n == 1){
print $0 "\n\n" substr(FILENAME, 8, 10) "\n"
}else
print "\n" $0;
}
!/^\$!NAVIGATION$/ { print $0 }
' "$f" >"$f.tmp" \
&& mv "$f.tmp" "$f" \
|| rm "$f.tmp"
f="$(printf '%s\n' "$f" | sed -e 's,./blah/,,' -e 's,\.html$,,')"
test -n "$last" \
&& sed -i "./blah/$last.html" \
-e "s,\$!NAVIGATION,$nav\>,g" \
&& nav="\<" \
|| true
nav="$nav^"
last="$f"
done
sed -i "s,\$!NAVIGATION,$nav,g" "./blah/$last.html"
ls ./blah/*.html \
| sed -e 's_.*/__g' \
-e 's/\.html$//g' \
| sort -r \
| tee ./feed.xml \
| sed -e 's_.*_&_g' \
-e "1i\
\
\
blah\
