2024-03-21

homepage

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+/blah/2024-03-21.html
+
+I want to explain what I mean by what I say when I say how I used to live in a
+place that was unliveable. It felt fucking fast and it was always night. I
+borrowed (took) a cigarette from my manager and kicked off on my Razor A5 from
+my workplace, a Burger King on a slope steep enough to get me to a pretty good
+speed by the time I made it to the light, always red. I didn't look both ways
+because I didn't care - and when I mean I didn't care I mean once I made it
+past the stretch after Aaron's I was rolling down Lisbon St. fast enough for
+the wind to sting my eyes, catching them behind my glasses, fast enough to go
+on the road where I would usually be going faster than the cars, without a
+helmet or padding besides a thick jacket and thick pants. My headphones would
+be loud as hell and usually playing something hard and metal like Grazhdanskaya
+Oborona or early Bring Me the Horizon. The moon in the sky - and if it was full
+shit would usually hit the fan - and by hit the fan I mean in the light the
+junkies would be shooting up and the crackheads would be smoking and by the
+time you met them you wouldn't see the pipe but the pulled back skin on their
+faces, tight against their bone, grimacing in an uncanny expression of
+desensitization, looking for their next score - and by score I mean money or
+someone with it - me - which would be trouble if my scooter was around 7-Eleven
+where I found the junkies usually going fast enough that nobody bothered. But
+one time I was on my way back when someone stopped me asking where they could
+go to stay - they looked friendly so I stopped - and I replied I was just
+squatting somewhere - and as I left they spoke to someone in a van who started
+tailing me and I had to run off the tail. This was in July? In September I
+didn't even have that squat but instead Toni. I went from work to Hell to sleep
+to work. I would wake with dew on my cheek - not dew - condensation - from my
+breath, because the battery was too far gone to wake enough to roll down the
+windows, and I didn't have the key anyway - I got in through a hole in the
+back.
+
+When I say fast I mean I was running all the time and I wasn't allowed where I
+was sleeping except sorta de facto. The world blurred around me. My co-workers
+respected me for being probably the fastest one in the kitchen and the
+employees of the place where I was sleeping loved me for always being happy to
+help someone out. At night on my way to the car I would pass by this building
+with full length windows on the ground floor and I would look into the mirror
+at what I had become. I was wearing a black Rothco M-65, Doc Martens, work
+pants (I can't remember how to spell Carhart (sic?)), a black hat, black
+gloves, a black UV-5R to read counties - I was dressed like a vigilante,
+sleeping like a cowboy, working like a mule. I was lying to those who could
+house me, saying I was housed, because I knew my options were fucked. I didn't
+believe I would survive - I wrote my life off and lived like it didn't matter
+if I died - lived like I couldn't die - lived like I wanted to die - it wasn't
+really living, was it? - or was it living more than I had ever before? - I was
+sloppy. Remember Case in the first couple chapters of Neuromancer? It was a
+constant, chronic state of mania trying to separate enough from the city that I
+could leave without spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. But
+I still do. When I say fast I mean I had a clock that was ticking - two. I had
+the clock until my Greyhound arrived at Bates College and I had the clock until
+it was too cold to sleep in the car even in my sleeping bag and I didn't wake
+up. And I didn't think leaving would really help - I didn't think leaving would
+get me to a place where I could start living. [...] told me they'd "put me up"
+which to me meant little because I had no clue how to get an apartment or
+anything. I planned to sleep in a hostel or outside or die here. I just didn't
+wanna die in Bumfuck Nowhere Maine.
+
+I think my last couple relationships were, in hindsight, fucking awful, in
+general and for me specifically. I feel like I experienced at once both sides
+of a bad time. I refrain from discussing relationship stuff on here because
+people read this who actually know me and of whom I write but it's jarring to
+me just how awful all of my romantic relationships have been - all of them.
+Often the biggest issue is how paralyzed I am - I sacrifice my own desires for
+trying to maintain comfort. I don't take risks in relationships. I would
+probably be fine at maintaining a Good Thing but getting to a Good Thing is
+impossible because I don't communicate what I want for fear of being judged for
+it. This is a problem not just in my romantic relationships but generally in my
+life. Related is the fact that I don't communicate my discomfort.
+
+2024-03-19
+
+: replies to my post on watchpeopledie.tv
+
+ChazzMichaelMichaels: you're a fucking weird guy, you know that.
+                      like what the fuck is wrong with you?
+
+Certifiedsnowflake:   okay dude, what the actual flip
+
+cutethighscars:       i have a foot fetish and im a strong enough woman to
+                      admit it. that being said; The fuck kind of crossbreeding
+                      of kinks is this?
+
+natsuki_:             this is for your fetish, isn't it ?
+
+VermiciousKnid:       You're sick
+
+Snappy:               :#marseyfinger:
+
+
+/blah/2024-03-18.html
+
+I thought I had more here but I guess the file must have disappeared.
+
+BLAME! is really cool.
+
+Moved my Sourcehut projects to git.tebibyte.media.
+
+
+/blah/2024-03-14.html
+
+Happy pi day.
+
+Building rust-analyzer from source:
+
+# cd /usr/local/src
+# git clone https://github.com/rust-lang/rust-analyzer
+# cd rust-analyzer
+# cargo build --release
+
+Oh it built just like that. Swag.
+
+Sonja Lang is now listening to Frouzziland by Shotu.
+
+My 3DS fucking rocks.
+
+Sorry I can't keep ya updated more I am mostly just working and sleeping and
+having LOADS OF SEX all the FUCKING TIME. Seriously like so much sex. You ever
+heard the Weezer song I'm Tired of Having Sex? It's like that. I have totally
+had sex in the last four months. Tons of it.
+
+
 /blah/2024-02-29.html
 
 I have a graphical environment on this netbook and honestly, what more do I