2023-12-21

homepage

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 }
 
 
+/blah/2023-12-21.html
+
+I have thought disorder that makes it really hard to convey the things in my
+head into things expressed in text. One dimensionally. A string of characters.
+Projecting the landscape of my mind is difficult in the same way drawing is.
+Trying to force a two dimensional world into 128 characters.
+      __________
+     / _______  /| I have this thing I like to draw, the frame of a cube. The
+    / /| ____/ / | edges of the cube, the spaces between the edges, and then
+   / //|||  / //|| the edges behind those spaces. It's a practice in three
+  / //||||_/ //||| dimensional visualization. I can't do it. Every time I draw
+ /_________ //_||| the cube I draw it wrong. A line is where it shouldn't be, I
+|  ______  ||_///  made it inconsistent, some elementary mistake. I suppose a
+| ||///  | ||///   lot of people couldn't draw the cube right the first time
+| ||//___| ||//    but I feel like I should be able to. That's how conversation
+| |/_____| | /     feels. One crucial thing is missing, one inconsistency, and
+|__________|/      the whole thing is wrong, and I didn't notice it because it
+                   was so hard to do the other edges. To make the thing link
+                   up. I don't notice my own circular logic, my own
+                   contradictions, and often others don't either. But when they
+                   do they say I'm bullshitting them. Really it's the spaces in
+                   between, the spaces I can't draw, drawn by the voids in my
+                   head, that are bullshitting me.
+
+It's hard to communicate with others for it.
+
+Thought disorder is a symptom, not a disease, as I understand it, but I'm not
+gonna read into it, at least publicly. I dissociate. I switch out sometimes or
+lose myself in the words. I make word salad. I say things because they sound
+good, not because they make sense. Et cetera. Fuck. I'm not continuing this.
+
+It's isolating. The very fabric of my mind is sewn wrong. Differently, yes. I
+think similarly to some of my peers whose minds are beyond most. But wrong.
+There are little threads that lead to the wrong areas of the cloth, stitches
+too long and too short and some put in after, even, the weaving of the factory
+to pull closed areas I'd like to have used. M C Esher head.
+
+i'm nesting
+	and spinning
+		and thinking
+			and turning
+				and tossing
+					and blinking
+						and rusting
+							decaying
+								and dying
+									et c.
+
+
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 : Ruminations