2023-12-12

homepage

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 }
 
 
+/blah/2023-12-12.html
+
+Didn't have time to figure out how to set up TeX. Still don't. Don't have time
+to explain. I'm so tired. I'm wearing raw. Like skin torn apart by a fall at
+high speed onto a road. Flesh torn from bone, then bone itself ground against
+sandpaper. My girlfriend stopped texting back two weeks ago. Marrow leakage.
+
+I'm at the bus stop and freezing
+Do you get what I mean?
+It's been a week since you called me
+Am I still in your screen?
+
+I think of you daily
+or the bottomless pit
+I wanna throw myself into.
+But that's just how I think.
+
+You got tired of me, maybe,
+as a loving girlfriend
+perhaps the novelty faded
+into repetition.
+
+But I liked the routine
+and I thought it was a happy ending.
+
+After every chapter there's another
+is a better life what I'll get?
+Or an ache in my side and
+my catacomb cage quiet.
+
+I can't sleep anymore without watching people die on-line. I spend one or two
+hours a night on watchpeopledie.tv and I've probably seen most of the videos on
+the site, I made an account to track my viewing history so I don't watch the
+same stuff over and over. I long to know what it feels like to drown, to burn
+alive, to bleed out, to be crushed in the cogs of an industrial machine, to be
+shredded, beheaded, to die alone in the cold or the heat or a swampy summer
+day. I'm kept alive by decision paralysis and the bitter responsibility to make
+the world a significantly better place than I found it. I'm so tired.
+
+I imagine, engulfed in flames, or at the edge of consciousness under the sea,
+or within the swiftly closing steel maws of an unknowing automaton, or just
+after the machete starts sawing, or at the second gush from the vein, or
+simply looking at a dirty brick wall as the last sight on this plane, there is
+a moment, brief but potent, of realization and acceptance of what has happened,
+and that that one moment is the sweetest bliss of certain finity that could be
+given to a mortal. Just a tick, one sixty-fourth of a moment in a snap. I hope
+decades from now I can experience it and that it's as serene as I hope.
+
+I wonder if I'm just forgettable. Maybe that's all it is. I don't want to be
+forgotten but I do. If my words fade into aether I want my kharma to persevere.
+
+
+/blah/2023-12-10.html
+
+I feel alone and I wish I wasn't.
+
+I don't think Chimera has tex so I'll figure out how to compile it.
+
+
 /blah/2023-12-03.html
 
 theater of years