2023-11-15

homepage/homepage

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+/blah/2023-11-15.html
+
+It is hard to cope with happiness. This is the best period of my life ever, bar
+none. I have time to learn, discuss, work, clean, I'm wearing clean clothes and
+can take regular showers. I don't know how to process it. I've never in my life
+been in such a good environment with such good friends and I don't know how to
+cope with getting rides everywhere, having meals made for me, my laundry done
+by someone else.
+
+I've been very self sufficient for a little while now. I did my laundry at
+either a laundromat with money I had earned from work or with my own hands in a
+work sink with soap purchased with money I had earned from work. Often the
+latter so I could afford to eat food I had prepared with ingredients I had
+purchased with money I had earned from work, or food I had prepared during
+work. A washing machine doesn't fit in a backpack, nor a dryer, though in a
+pinch when walking I could hang clothes off the backpack to get at least a side
+of them dry before getting to where I could change out of what I was wearing.
+
+In order to change my clothes I had to find a public bathroom, ideally a Burger
+King because I was an employee there but in a pinch if I was fast enough a gas
+station would work, put my backpack and clothes on the often dirty floor, and
+strip down in a stall or in better cases when a stall was a room a full
+restroom. I had to do it fast because gas station attendants and fast food
+workers can smell homelessness on you, the hopelessness and stench of hand
+washed clothing. It is in the modern era equivalent to smelling addiction and
+on occasion I would be accused of taking so long in the bathroom to shoot up
+heroin. There was never sympathy or understanding or even acceptance. Because I
+was homeless, noticeably so, I was considered subhuman, vermin. 
+
+There was no way to take a shower. Gym bathrooms work if you're cisgender or
+living in a generally trans-friendly area. I was not. A shower for me was the
+bathroom at work, before work, where I used my laundry soap and a bandanna to
+swab my arms, face, neck, chest, and armpits. I had to be quick because the
+morning workers liked to spread rumors about my being a homeless addict,
+an immediately obvious falsehood to those who knew me but slander for those who
+didn't. I wasn't troubled that people knew I was homeless because while
+violence likes to come for those on the streets, vermin that can be tortured
+and killed the same way rats and cockroaches are in apartments, I was charming,
+witty, somewhat educated or seemingly, and tried to be as kind as possible to
+others. I tried to be a representable member of the unhoused and of the
+trannies, to appeal to those cretins with their ceilings and simpler thoughts.
+
+In order to change my clothes, if in the apartment, I take my clothes off and
+put different clothes on. In order to take a shower I go to the bathroom, take
+my clothes off, and turn the shower tap. Less pain, less ink. Can I get used to
+this? Should I? When I see Subarus outside I wonder if I could have survived
+the winter. It was cold as fuck sleeping outside in October. Sometimes I wonder
+if I did die in that car. If this is heaven. I wonder if I did die in that car
+and so now if I am a different person than who entered. I wonder if Toni is
+still where I left her in the parking lot, if she's rotting from disuse and if
+the cardboard I used to seal the rear window is molding. The picture of Dorian
+Grey.
+
+
+/blah/2023-11-12.html
+
+Happy birthday my dears.
+
+Oedipus
+
+1	Iam nocte Titan dubius expulsa redit
+	now night Titan doubt  expel   I return
+1	I return at night now to dubious Titan
+
+2	et nube     maestus squalida exoritur iubar,
+	&  to cloud sad     foul     become   radiance
+2	and to the foul, sorry smog that had become its radiance,
+
+3	lumenque flamma triste luctifica gerens
+
+4	prospiciet avida peste solatas domos,
+
+5	stragemque quam nox fecit ostendet dies.
+
+
+
 /blah/2023-11-06.html
 
 Some stuff is failing in Rust. I'll put this stuff here which is part of the