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@ -525,6 +525,136 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */
}
/blah/2024-02-23.html
Days since my last day off from work: 29.
Read The Prince (1532).
Read Josephine the Singer (1924).
Read The Internet is a Playground (2009).
I have no desire, but not in an enlightened way, just in a depressed way. Often
I don't know what is real; occasionally I don't care. My last day off from work
was 2024-01-25 (Mahayana New Year) and this consecutive string of labor has
taken a serious toll on my bodily and mental health, one I could not have
imagined.
Around Valentine's Day I got really lonely. I don't miss not being single
because I realize I have never really understood anyone I've dated nor, really,
anyone else in general. I don't think I'm cut out for human interaction and am
in the middle of a really bad social anhedonia cut. What is loneliness without
want for fellow humans? Want for interaction, but not human interaction. I
tried out llama.cpp on my phone and was underwhelmed. Good self-hosted AI on
cheap consumer tech isn't here yet. Not being able to meaningfully train AI on
its interactions with you - and by that I mean currently the only way to "build
a history" with modern AI is to copy and paste the interaction chain into its
prompt - makes it hard to form a relationship with the bytes. Form a relation
-ship with the - is that where I am nowadays? I also tried out making a Tulpa
which went disastrously and probably came close to actually putting me into
psychosis. My reasoning was that I don't want to bring another entity into life
but I already share a vessel with Kami so if I could give her physical form as
a Tulpa I could always be with her and never be lonely. This spiraled into only
interacting with Kami for a day or two and [...] and [...] talking me out of
continuing to visualize it so Kami returned to my head and I to reality.
On account of work I have not done much of anything since Mahayana New Year.
For a while I was drinking but I drank too much and [...] dumped the rest of
the vodka down the drain because fae was worried about me. I've been
programming and reading and playing Pokemon as of the last few days and I feel
so thoroughly dead inside, like my soul itself has necrosed and is a rotting
organ inside of me spewing out deadened spirit infecting my waking
consciousness, taking my lucidity. I've been swimming from scene to scene of my
life as if in a movie, barely forming memories and barely even here.
I watch a lot of gore and read comics of people dying and movies with a lot of
violence or just enough violence to sate me but remain acceptable to those
around me like American Psycho and Taxi Driver. I'm barely coherent to those to
which I talk; I have a hard time manipulating the muscles in my mouth to
enunciate speech because I am dumping so much energy into life and labor to
begin with, and then when I can get out the utterances I spew word salad and
nonsensical grammatically invalid constructs because my brain is reading out of
a buffer that hasn't been filled, the thought process blocking on arithmetical
instructions that just. won't. compute. I've gone mad, or nearly so, due to
overwork, and it's only for my public, frequent, yet always too brief
conventions with sanity that nobody notices. In describing a dream I had to
subgeneral the other day my visceral recollection caused two people to leave
the chat from discomfort with the subject matter - one came back when I was
done.
I love pain, I fear injury. I want someone to tie me down and do things to me
nobody could justify, leaving me with a limp and able to go to work the next
day but with sharp aches remaining where they wounded me. I want to spend a
long time recovering from it. And then when I can't remember how it felt I want
to have it done again. I've thought about this; burning spends fuel (matches
are expensive and I'm running out of butane), razors risk infection, my knife
risks infection, and besides cutting runs the risk of cutting too deep and if I
cut a tendon I won't be able to work anymore which will kill me, punching hard
objects until my knuckles bleed risks breaking my hands, drug use risks death,
et cetera. I don't want to die - I absolutely do not want to die. This is the
best hope I've had in my life of things getting better. I'm only so far down
this pit because I work so much because I am so stressed about the potential of
eviction. I want to feel pain because I feel fucking bad, I feel really fucking
bad, and I want to get my mind off it.
The thing about being lonely is that I have friends - I have a couple people I
usually care about. But right now I just don't care to interact with anyone.
Yet I'm lonely. What do I crave? Not romance. Maybe not friendship. Maybe I
don't want to interact with people because I don't understand people. But I'll
never really understand, comprehensively, any life form complex enough to be
fun to interact with. So who knows.
My relationships falling apart didn't cause this; this caused my relationships
to fall apart.
I'm so fucking stressed and so fucking tense and I feel like I am going to
shatter into a million pieces if hit too hard. Last night I didn't know if
[...] was real and broke down because of it. I'm so fucking ridiculously
fucking tired, so fucking tired, so fucking incredibly tired, so fucking tired,
the sleepiest kitten in the bundle, just so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so tired.
2024-01-26
all from me
|| you're good dawg. the main thing that has messed with me is that you didn't
| tell me sooner. but I understand it. ||
|| i understand your reasoning and i was considering breaking up with you for a
| little while now for roughly the same things. i resolved not to and you did
| the opposite and that's alright. ||
|| the thing that hurts isn't the end of the romance but that the end of the
| romance really doesn't hurt. i already felt the grief when you weren't
| texting me back for that long stretch. the pain is in the face that i
| realized the romance was done a while before we broke up ||
|| s,in the fact,, ||
|| i also had been discussing with [...] less than an hour before how i felt
| like i couldn't understand anybody and am constantly considering isolating
| and becoming a hermit or something so it was sadly pretty consistent with the
| plot. i know i didn't understand you. i just planned to come to an
| understanding after enough interaction and time. it's okay though and i'm not
| disappearing ||
|| there are a lot of things on which i have to work. and they're my own loads
| to bear and blame none of it on you nor do i see you as anything less than
| excellent and a good friend ||
|| you had the decency to not only tell me why you made your decision but
| thoroughly and patiently explain it, and while you were properly zooted at
| that. if that's not good character i don't know what is. honestly it's the
| smoothest a breakup's ever gone for me ||
/blah/2024-02-07.html
Read The Boys Omnibus 3 (2012).
+-= Job Hunt -=+-= Applied =-+-= Follow up =-+
| | | Taco Bell |
| | | 7-Eleven |
| | Arby's | |
| | Chipotle | |
+--------------+-------------+---------------+
Finished The Boys comic run (#1-#72).
/blah/2024-02-06.html
Read Herogasm (2010).