2023-12-31

/blah/2023-12-31.html

I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting

but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.

Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm

running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway

working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna

have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little

more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is

Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on

arm64.

This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really

pretty good. I've been less down lately too.

I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just

don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from

home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a

grocery store. Hm.

I'm really optimistic for the future.

Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely

remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.

: the story so far (2023)

Season 2: maladjustment

January

Episode 01: "breaking bad"

Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking

for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted

by one of its friends.

February

Episode 02: "speak"

The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes

Trinity to start making people bark for it.

Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"

Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking

for an apartment.

Episode 04: "of an age"

Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing

with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.

Episode 05: "mary jane"

Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the

consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed

habitually.

March

Episode 06: "phone baseball"

Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity

goes vegan and starts writing a book.

April

Episode 07: "isolation"

Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help

pay the rent.

Episode 08: "trigger discipline"

Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.

Episode 09: "the void stares back"

M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts

smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.

May

Episode 10: "tablet baseball"

M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's

propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts

sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.

June

Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"

Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her

computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.

Episode 12: "fuck teeth"

The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its

wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible

pain. M-- goes on a date.

Episode 13: "a hunger artist"

Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth

surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of

theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.

Episode 15: "make it double"

M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity

goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and

realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go

missing.

Episode 16: "portland"

M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of

M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a

skateboard.

Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"

M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,

stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets

a scooter.

July

Episode 18: "seven"

Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine

before having an epiphany at work and walking out.

Episode 19: "deadly"

Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in

the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries

to leave [...]'s.

Episode 20: "sins"

Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys

Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new

person and has apprehensions about its work.

August

Episode 21: "sean and josh"

Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving

away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about

their division of labor.

Episode 22: "one last time"

Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back

to Lewiston.

Episode 23: "the bus out"

Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on

Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.

Episode 24: "the best week ever"

Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.

Episode 25: "stranded"

Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.

September

Episode 26: "fast forward"

Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.

It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.

Episode 27: "reunited"

Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but

gets hired on different terms.

Episode 28: "decay"

Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic

spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.

Episode 29: "the first time the third time"

Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and

[...] get evicted.

Episode 30: "negotiations"

[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A

familiar coworker joins her new workplace.

Episode 31: "toni"

Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.

Episode 32: "riverbanks"

Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a

guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high

school crush.

Episode 33: "no helmet"

Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni

leaks in the rain.

October

Episode 34: "the postal service"

Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the

move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's

calls.

Episode 35: "live fast, die young"

Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on

the highway.

Episode 36: "ramona flowers"

[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at

Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.

Episode 37: "the great escape"

Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to

[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.

Episode 38: "transit"

After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,

Illinois.

Episode 39: "carnality"

Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.

Episode 40: "springs before winter"

Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a

library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending

Sangha.

November

Episode 41: "number four"

Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a

similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.

Episode 42: "safe and sound"

Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.

Episode 43: "in this economy"

Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet

a presenter after a talk at the library.

December

Episode 44: "what goes around"

Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job

and in a new place, starts to get antsy.

Episode 45: "comes back around"

Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes

it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork

in order, and sprains its foot

: the monster logs

2023-12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so

use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters

and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.

I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?

Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not

big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his

time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,

because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I

can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later

to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus

is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been

brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's

unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned

poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front

windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks

I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a

little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich

and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough

last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight

and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night

crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food

safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated

on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not

particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which

I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways

lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste

the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing

I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at

work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here

knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no

apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It

tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus

to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor

description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,

pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,

another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty

onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I

have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?

There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their

usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't

eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking

hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy

mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket

teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked

in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes

it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their

hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.

The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm

accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing

over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like

$3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.

The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.

2023-12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I

don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a

metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus

now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between

two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I

can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now

finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized

the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French

but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm

at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the

price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.

But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap

of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.

Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical

blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple

juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the

ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're

playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice

and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything

right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.

2023-12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but

without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick

Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in

the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.

There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer

to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.

Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is

dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be

really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the

service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who

frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I

don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The

caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster

Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the

flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at

Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I

haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my

least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much

strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries

being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness

and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild

natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away

with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a

lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.

I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the

shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus

but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most

ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's

gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.

2023-12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by

paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as

expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still

unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes

close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,

"natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?

Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two

other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now

that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules

derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the

citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it

comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because

it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but

also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing

lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will

tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review

I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming

fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.

2023-12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I

don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than

usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white

sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of

shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by

some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one

of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this

flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the

middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country

music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can

was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which

I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime

too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.

Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good

as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a

waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and

utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The

caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me

less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My

head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my

encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I

am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up

on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time

slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part

from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.

/blah/2023-12-26.html

I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his

family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his

work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay

some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is

gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power

pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal

mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and

thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't

know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,

more times than I can count.

What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I

really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.

I'm tired.

 @ -525,6 +525,359 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */
 }
 /blah/2023-12-31.html
 I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting
 but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.
 Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm
 running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway
 working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna
 have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little
 more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is
 Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on
 arm64.
 This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really
 pretty good. I've been less down lately too.
 I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just
 don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from
 home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a
 grocery store. Hm.
 I'm really optimistic for the future.
 Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely
 remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.
 : the story so far (2023)
 Season 2: maladjustment
 January
 Episode 01: "breaking bad"
 	Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking
 	for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted
 	by one of its friends.
 February
 Episode 02: "speak"
 	The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes
 	Trinity to start making people bark for it.
 Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"
 	Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking
 	for an apartment.
 Episode 04: "of an age"
 	Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing
 	with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.
 Episode 05: "mary jane"
 	Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the
 	consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed
 	habitually.
 March
 Episode 06: "phone baseball"
 	Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity
 	goes vegan and starts writing a book.
 April
 Episode 07: "isolation"
 	Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help
 	pay the rent.
 Episode 08: "trigger discipline"
 	Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.
 Episode 09: "the void stares back"
 	M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts
 	smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.
 May
 Episode 10: "tablet baseball"
 	M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's
 	propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts
 	sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.
 June
 Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"
 	Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her
 	computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.
 Episode 12: "fuck teeth"
 	The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its
 	wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible
 	pain. M-- goes on a date.
 Episode 13: "a hunger artist"
 	Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth
 	surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of
 	theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.
 Episode 15: "make it double"
 	M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity
 	goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and
 	realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go
 	missing.
 Episode 16: "portland"
 	M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of
 	M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a
 	skateboard.
 Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"
 	M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,
 	stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets
 	a scooter.
 July
 Episode 18: "seven"
 	Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine
 	before having an epiphany at work and walking out.
 Episode 19: "deadly"
 	Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in
 	the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries
 	to leave [...]'s.
 Episode 20: "sins"
 	Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys
 	Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new
 	person and has apprehensions about its work.
 August
 Episode 21: "sean and josh"
 	Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving
 	away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about
 	their division of labor.
 Episode 22: "one last time"
 	Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back
 	to Lewiston.
 Episode 23: "the bus out"
 	Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on
 	Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.
 Episode 24: "the best week ever"
 	Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.
 Episode 25: "stranded"
 	Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.
 September
 Episode 26: "fast forward"
 	Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.
 	It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.
 Episode 27: "reunited"
 	Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but
 	gets hired on different terms.
 Episode 28: "decay"
 	Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic
 	spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.
 Episode 29: "the first time the third time"
 	Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and
 	[...] get evicted.
 Episode 30: "negotiations"
 	[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A
 	familiar coworker joins her new workplace.
 Episode 31: "toni"
 	Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.
 Episode 32: "riverbanks"
 	Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a
 	guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high
 	school crush.
 Episode 33: "no helmet"
 	Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni
 	leaks in the rain.
 October
 Episode 34: "the postal service"
 	Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the
 	move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's
 	calls.
 Episode 35: "live fast, die young"
 	Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on
 	the highway.
 Episode 36: "ramona flowers"
 	[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at
 	Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.
 Episode 37: "the great escape"
 	Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to
 	[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.
 Episode 38: "transit"
 	After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,
 	Illinois.
 Episode 39: "carnality"
 	Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.
 Episode 40: "springs before winter"
 	Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a
 	library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending
 	Sangha.
 November
 Episode 41: "number four"
 	Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a
 	similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.
 Episode 42: "safe and sound"
 	Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.
 Episode 43: "in this economy"
 	Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet
 	a presenter after a talk at the library.
 December
 Episode 44: "what goes around"
 	Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job
 	and in a new place, starts to get antsy.
 Episode 45: "comes back around"
 	Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes
 	it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork
 	in order, and sprains its foot
 : the monster logs
 -12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so
 use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters
 and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.
 I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?
 Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not
 big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his
 time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,
 because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I
 can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later
 to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus
 is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been
 brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's
 unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned
 poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front
 windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks
 I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a
 little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich
 and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough
 last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight
 and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night
 crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food
 safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated
 on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not
 particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which
 I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways
 lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste
 the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing
 I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at
 work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here
 knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no
 apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It
 tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus
 to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor
 description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,
 pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,
 another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty
 onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I
 have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?
 There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their
 usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't
 eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking
 hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy
 mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket
 teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked
 in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes
 it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their
 hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.
 The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm
 accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing
 over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like
 $3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.
 The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.
 -12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I
 don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a
 metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus
 now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between
 two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I
 can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now
 finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized
 the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French
 but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm
 at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the
 price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.
 But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap
 of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.
 Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical
 blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple
 juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the
 ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're
 playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice
 and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything
 right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.
 -12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but
 without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick
 Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in
 the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.
 There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer
 to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.
 Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is
 dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be
 really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the
 service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who
 frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I
 don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The
 caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster
 Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the
 flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at
 Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I
 haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my
 least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much
 strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries
 being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness
 and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild
 natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away
 with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a
 lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.
 I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the
 shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus
 but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most
 ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's
 gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.
 -12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by
 paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as
 expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still
 unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes
 close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,
 "natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?
 Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two
 other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now
 that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules
 derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the
 citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it
 comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because
 it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but
 also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing
 lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will
 tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review
 I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming
 fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.
 -12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I
 don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than
 usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white
 sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of
 shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by
 some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one
 of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this
 flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the
 middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country
 music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can
 was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which
 I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime
 too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.
 Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good
 as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a
 waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and
 utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The
 caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me
 less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My
 head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my
 encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I
 am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up
 on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time
 slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part
 from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.
 /blah/2023-12-26.html
 I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his
 family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his
 work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay
 some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is
 gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.
 I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power
 pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal
 mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and
 thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't
 know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,
 more times than I can count.
 What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I
 really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.
 I'm tired.
 /blah/2023-12-25.html
 : bonsai

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