2023-12-31

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+I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting
+but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.
+
+Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm
+running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway
+working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna
+have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little
+more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is
+Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on
+arm64.
+
+This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really
+pretty good. I've been less down lately too.
+
+I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just
+don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from
+home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a
+grocery store. Hm.
+
+I'm really optimistic for the future.
+
+Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely
+remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.
+
+: the story so far (2023)
+
+Season 2: maladjustment
+January
+Episode 01: "breaking bad"
+	Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking
+	for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted
+	by one of its friends.
+February
+Episode 02: "speak"
+	The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes
+	Trinity to start making people bark for it.
+Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"
+	Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking
+	for an apartment.
+Episode 04: "of an age"
+	Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing
+	with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.
+Episode 05: "mary jane"
+	Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the
+	consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed
+	habitually.
+March
+Episode 06: "phone baseball"
+	Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity
+	goes vegan and starts writing a book.
+April
+Episode 07: "isolation"
+	Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help
+	pay the rent.
+Episode 08: "trigger discipline"
+	Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.
+Episode 09: "the void stares back"
+	M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts
+	smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.
+May
+Episode 10: "tablet baseball"
+	M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's
+	propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts
+	sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.
+June
+Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"
+	Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her
+	computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.
+Episode 12: "fuck teeth"
+	The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its
+	wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible
+	pain. M-- goes on a date.
+Episode 13: "a hunger artist"
+	Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth
+	surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of
+	theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.
+Episode 15: "make it double"
+	M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity
+	goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and
+	realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go
+	missing.
+Episode 16: "portland"
+	M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of
+	M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a
+	skateboard.
+Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"
+	M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,
+	stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets
+	a scooter.
+July
+Episode 18: "seven"
+	Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine
+	before having an epiphany at work and walking out.
+Episode 19: "deadly"
+	Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in
+	the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries
+	to leave [...]'s.
+Episode 20: "sins"
+	Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys
+	Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new
+	person and has apprehensions about its work.
+August
+Episode 21: "sean and josh"
+	Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving
+	away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about
+	their division of labor.
+Episode 22: "one last time"
+	Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back
+	to Lewiston.
+Episode 23: "the bus out"
+	Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on
+	Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.
+Episode 24: "the best week ever"
+	Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.
+Episode 25: "stranded"
+	Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.
+September
+Episode 26: "fast forward"
+	Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.
+	It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.
+Episode 27: "reunited"
+	Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but
+	gets hired on different terms.
+Episode 28: "decay"
+	Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic
+	spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.
+Episode 29: "the first time the third time"
+	Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and
+	[...] get evicted.
+Episode 30: "negotiations"
+	[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A
+	familiar coworker joins her new workplace.
+Episode 31: "toni"
+	Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.
+Episode 32: "riverbanks"
+	Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a
+	guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high
+	school crush.	
+Episode 33: "no helmet"
+	Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni
+	leaks in the rain.
+October
+Episode 34: "the postal service"
+	Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the
+	move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's
+	calls.
+Episode 35: "live fast, die young"
+	Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on
+	the highway.
+Episode 36: "ramona flowers"
+	[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at
+	Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.
+Episode 37: "the great escape"
+	Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to
+	[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.
+Episode 38: "transit"
+	After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,
+	Illinois.
+Episode 39: "carnality"
+	Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.
+Episode 40: "springs before winter"
+	Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a
+	library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending
+	Sangha.
+November
+Episode 41: "number four"
+	Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a
+	similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.
+Episode 42: "safe and sound"
+	Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.
+Episode 43: "in this economy"
+	Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet
+	a presenter after a talk at the library.
+December
+Episode 44: "what goes around"
+	Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job
+	and in a new place, starts to get antsy.
+Episode 45: "comes back around"
+	Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes
+	it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork
+	in order, and sprains its foot
+
+: the monster logs
+
+2023-12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so
+use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters
+and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.
+I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?
+Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not
+big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his
+time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,
+because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I
+can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later
+to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus
+is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been
+brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's
+unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned
+poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front
+windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks
+I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a
+little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich
+and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough
+last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight
+and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night
+crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food
+safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated
+on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not
+particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which
+I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways
+lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste
+the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing
+I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at
+work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here
+knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no
+apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It
+tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus
+to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor
+description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,
+pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,
+another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty
+onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I
+have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?
+There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their
+usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't
+eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking
+hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy
+mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket
+teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked
+in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes
+it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their
+hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.
+The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm
+accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing
+over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like
+$3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.
+The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.
+2023-12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I
+don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a
+metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus
+now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between
+two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I
+can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now
+finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized
+the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French
+but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm
+at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the
+price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.
+But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap
+of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.
+Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical
+blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple
+juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the
+ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're
+playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice
+and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything
+right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.
+2023-12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but
+without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick
+Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in
+the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.
+There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer
+to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.
+Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is
+dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be
+really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the
+service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who
+frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I
+don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The
+caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster
+Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the
+flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at
+Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I
+haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my
+least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much
+strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries
+being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness
+and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild
+natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away
+with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a
+lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.
+I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the
+shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus
+but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most
+ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's
+gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.
+2023-12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by
+paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as
+expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still
+unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes
+close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,
+"natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?
+Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two
+other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now
+that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules
+derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the
+citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it
+comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because
+it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but
+also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing
+lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will
+tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review
+I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming
+fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.
+2023-12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I
+don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than
+usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white
+sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of
+shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by
+some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one
+of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this
+flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the
+middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country
+music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can
+was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which
+I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime
+too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.
+Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good
+as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a
+waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and
+utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The
+caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me
+less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My
+head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my
+encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I
+am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up
+on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time
+slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part
+from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.
+
+	
+/blah/2023-12-26.html
+
+I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his
+family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his
+work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay
+some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is
+gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.
+
+I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power
+pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal
+mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and
+thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't
+know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,
+more times than I can count.
+
+What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I
+really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.
+
+I'm tired.
+
+
 /blah/2023-12-25.html
 
 : bonsai