2024-04-18

homepage

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+First doctor's appointment since 2022 or so, which doesn't seem like a long
+time in numbers but feels like a world ago. Last time I had a doctor's
+appointment Usagi covered kitchen for me and I left [...] at noon and walked up
+Pine Street to the brick and sunshine and sterile interiors to go to the
+pediatrician, who was a nurse practitioner (is that how you spell that?)
+filling in for Jonathan who had seen me the previous dozen or so years, which
+means a lot more when you're 18. This time [...] and [...] are probably in the
+kitchen and I'm in a college hospital in a city - was - and got my shit checked
+out by a nurse, college student, and nurse practicioner (is that how you spell
+that?).
+
+My friends really want me to see a therapist. So did the nurse practishuhner -
+[...] kept me honest when filling out the mental health forms and apparently
+they did not indicate such a hot pink sparkly life as I lead. They were also
+more concerned about my chronic short- and long-term memory loss than I am, and
+recommended Aquaphor for the thing happening on my foot. I got prescribed
+patches for estrogen because I want my tits to get even bigger (they are pretty
+big right now, and would be described so even on a cis woman) and because I
+forget the sublingual tablets fairly often. I also feel worried about brushing
+my teeth after holding them under my tongue and never remember to do so before-
+hand. I've never been that great at remembering to brush my teeth.
+
+I was blah-bbing around when I had my last doctor's appointment. Goodness.
+
+Before today the last time I had any pizza was February 2023 I think, and I
+think I had Domino's with [...] and [...] in [...]'s room. When I look back it
+all seems so flat, like it happened so fast. But at the time I was amazed at
+how slowly time moved. Now time races by me.
+
+I saw Good Will Hunting today. Cool to hear Elliot Smith (is that who that
+was?) in the flick. It made me miss Maine less. The South Boston slums look a
+lot like Lewiston. Today a lot of the Coloradan doctors were surprised I came
+from Maine. I have a Mehnn accint, jus'sligh'ly, baht it prahbahbly sahnds like
+a New Englund accent to the untrained ear. Got a ton of labs done. Estrogen,
+testosterone, blood sugar, other shit I forgot to read. They laid me down so I
+didn't pass out like that other time where I came to thinking I was in Five
+Nights at Freddy's. I accidentally fasted for it because I was on a low-carb
+diet and didn't know what to eat and so had nothing to eat - I quit, today, at
+Marco's when we got two large pizzas and three free fountain drinks and I drank
+a Dr. Pepper, a Mug root beer, and a half-and-half of both just to see what it
+would taste like.
+
+The nurse practishinner really wanted me to take a psyche eval. I said I was
+probably fine and probably wasn't depressed or anxious. [...] gave them a funny
+look while I said it.
+
+Last night I said some things to my friends that felt mean, and I wish I
+didn't. They said it seemed pretty normal to them which is what feels
+especially bad. For the first time in a good while I don't have any particular
+urge to get high.
+
+My blood pressure was good, weight is 192lbs, height is 72.5in with sandals on.
+My Maine state ID issued 2022-09-19 said my weight was 215lbs so that's 20lbs
+in 1.5 years. Maybe in five years I'll feel comfortable going to the beach. The
+only time I've ever felt comfortable in the water is when [...] and I went
+skinny dipping at night in Winthrop.
+
+Boston is to New England what Colorado Springs is to Colorado. But Denver has
+more notable adjacent towns like Aurora; Boston has Worcester (with the world's
+shittiest Burger King) and Reading (with the world's biggest pricks). I'm not
+sure what Colorado Springs has near it.
+
+I wonder if I have any STDs or STIs or diabetes or anything. I'm scared
+shitless of HIV or diabetes. I was roommates with a guy with HIV and he was
+cool and took his precautions and had no problem talking about what it was like
+with me, though society is unkind to those who are HIV+ and he wouldn't talk
+about it with just anyone. And plenty of people have diabetes and ration
+insulin and die so I guess I have that to look forward to if that happens. But
+these lifelong illnesses aren't death sentences anymore, especially for people
+with Medicaid, so I'll be alright either way hopefully. Diana was right - give
+your HIV+ friend a hug.
+
+Can you believe I can write all this shit and can't get myself to work on the
+book I'm writing?
+
+
+/blah/2024-04-17.html
+
+Trip is cancelled. [...] vetoed it for the following reasons:
+- LSD conflicts with packages already installed in my system and may result in
+  instability.
+- I have a history of moderate drug abuse; it is hard for me to cope with
+  things without some substance and I spend little of my time sober.
+
+I keep thinking about [...]. It's terrifying how many people would be hurt if I
+died. I don't want to end my life in bad kharma.
+
+I disagree with the notion that kharma is retributive; that it seeks to punish
+those that deserve it. Kharma is an observation, a description. Kharma is the
+realization that intentionally malicious action causes harm both to others and
+one's self, an almost Newtonian law for that impossible-to-analyze humanity.
+
+One time when I was 16 or 17 my parents noticed I had a pimple on my arm and
+boxed me into the bathroom and popped it. I broke down sobbing at the
+realization that, though they had had almost no positive contribution to my
+life and I barely even knew them as people, having been raised mostly by my
+grandparents and 4chan/b/, I still hadn't earned my bodily autonomy from them,
+and truly there was nothing I could do to get away from them without attracting
+the police or whoever else they would call to come looking for me until I
+turned 18. I was almost like their housecat, more a housecat than a kid. The
+conditions of the household deteriorated over the course of my childhood. Their
+cat, Gator, stopped eating and apparently went into shock after my parents kept
+yelling at him and spritzing him with a water bottle. He was their stand-in
+after I went numb to their yelling at me. I sort of envy people whose parents
+were nice to them, though I don't spread the bad kharma. When I'm high and
+people tell me about how their parents did something loving for them sometimes
+I just break the fuck down.
+
+In the (literal) closet with the morning sun starting to trickle in after
+another night of sleeplessness when we were 15 or 16 Usagi and I messaged over
+Instagram. I don't have the stubs anymore so here's a recollection.
+[U]: Have you ever noticed people with adverse experiences are the most likely
+     to turn out LGBT+?
+[3]: Yeah but I've never really thought about why.
+[U]: There's the neocon view that getting your shit fucked up causes your brain
+     to be fucked up. But I think it's just because it's harder to lie to
+     yourself when you're in a really bad place. You have to be honest with
+     yourself or you won't make it out of there.
+
+I came out to them as trans either a little bit before or a little bit after
+that.
+
+
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 Cyberpunk diet is low carb and high protein. I pray to Snoop Dogg that I may be
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