2023-12-14

/blah/2023-12-14.html

: Ruminations

Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-

NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.

Written over the last two weeks or so. Do not read this if you know me

personally and ideally do not read otherwise, either. Do not try to talk to me

about this. I'm not gonna kill myself. I just was ruminating about the idea.

-

I've been thinking

about killing myself;

the coward's way out,

sure, but a way out

nevertheless. I really

want to die. I want to

feel it. I'd like to

drown, to immolate,

to bleed out. I crave

the subtleties of the

experiences that I

cannot fathom. In

my dreams I do; I

am chopped with

axes,

-

slain with swords,

various means of blunt

force. I am both

executed and executioner,

I experience all

perspectives

simultaneously as it

is my subconscious

that renders my

potential fates, and

in the moment I

am cruel, and in the

moment I am kind,

and as the one

-

to die I feel relieved

to go, to be able to

let go of my stresses

and fears for my

longed-for certainty.

I'm tired of the

lucky escapes, the

dei ex machinae. I

feel like a character

of fiction, the pulp

protagonist that

always improbably

makes it out of the

bind. Like my fate

-

is already written,

predestined; sometimes

I can even see the

lines ahead, Kami

knows sections by

heart. I just got

on the bus I wasn't

sure I could afford

and it was free.

Maybe I'm an angel,

compulsively

accomplishing

selfless miracles.

If so, to be an

-

angel is to be in

Hell. Condemned to

goodness. I am so

fucking stressed

because it takes

more and more work

for everything to just

work out. This

morning I thought

I was gonna break

down, actually just

break down. But

that's not in the

pages.

-

I want to be

alive and without

anaesthetic for

my dissection. I

want to see the

scalpel approach

my flesh, feel it

carve me and see

my own pink-dyed

subcutaneous fat.

The crimson viscera.

I want to taste my

own blood as I

succumb to

-

mortality. Done by

[...] or [...] or both.

In my scripted

demise will I

know commfort, will

I have known

comfort? Or will I

faint into a trench

and have the cold

work its way in

from the extremeties.

This morning I cried,

now my sadness had

hardened to a rich,

-

coffee-smooth

bitterness, a numbness

too. I can't keep

friends because I

never interact first,

see myself a burden.

The fuel that weighs

down the ship. Spend

me until you have

nothing left, be free

of me among the

stars. I arrived at

work an hour and a

half early. It's

-

nothing, the time ticks

on regardless. I hate

Christmas music. I am

so alone. [mi] [olin] [ala] [e] [mi].

[mi] [ike] [tawa] [mi]. I wish to be

primitive, of the

forest, to be solitary.

I would be so lonely

without [...].

I don't talk to the

people close to me

and to others I say

less. I want to taste

my blood. I want to

-

burn myself. I want

to die. But I don't

want to do it. My

friends depend on

me. And I have things

to write. When I am

done I will take my

leave. I want the

suffering to be over. I

want Nirvana. Nirvana

isn't heaven, it's simply

the conclusion to a

finite cycle of rebirth.

The conclusion to one's

-

suffering.

I'd like to see

Chicago, California,

the Bodhi tree, the

sunrise from atop a

mountain, a molten

wall, the inside of a

flame, mucky clotted

blood. A chunk of

clot in a pool of

it.

-

It's not that I don't

know how to ask for

what I want but

that I know I only

get what is deserved,

not what is desired.

I am a parable;

beware of excess. It's

better that I don't

control my own fate

else I'd

meet it. I believe I

am have cancer because I

don't want to believe

-

I will live 60, 70

more years, because

the best of those I

knew did not. When

I hear the Underscores

song I think, know

it too; Everybody's

dead and it's all my

fault. I don't have

the means to be vegan

in a way that is

healthy but I can't

bring myself to eat

dead animal; I've

-

caused enough harm.

I feel too old and

too young. I don't

know how to afford

rent. Not here, not

anywhere. I'd like

to become a Buddhist

monk. Burger King

coffee is bad but not

terrible. [tomo] [pi] [soweli] [moli].

[mi] [olin] [e] [toki pona]. I am as much

an animal as a cow

and know beef as

fallen brethren.

-

I wish to harm and

not harm, to be

caged and free, to

be known and

Anonymous, to love

and to be forgotten.

Pass on my memories.

I am so tired all the

time. Fatigued, weary,

sleepy. I need to

figure out how to get

an apartment. I need

a new social security

-

card. I want to die

because this work is

so hard and will get

harder yet. I want

to have a small

apartment with one or

two close friends full

of pillows and blankets

with a warm picture

tube and modded

Gamecube. How do I

make friends? How do

I afford an apartment

?

-

I do everything

wrong. When I am

praised it is without

sincerity, when I am

held it is without

catharsis, when I am

loved it is without

reality. To fall asleep

I think about cuddling

my girlfriend. I miss

my stuffed shark but

a stuffed shark will

not fit in a backpack.

Nor will aspirations.

-

[mi] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [li] [ike] [lili]. [ni]

[li]

[ante] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [pini]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [wili] [e]

[lape].

[mi] [jo] [e] [lape] [lili] [tan] [tenpo] [mun] [pini] [la] [mi] [lukin] [e]

[jan] [moli]. [mi] [moli] [ala] [taso] [mi] [wili] [lukin] [e] [jan]

[moli] [tan] [mi] [wile] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [ala] [moli]. [mi] [olin] [moli]

[ala].

[mi] [pakala]. [mi] [kama] [sona] [e] [toki pona]. [mi] [toki ike] [e] [toki

pona]. [o] [toki] [ala].

I got a new pen today. A

Uniball Signo 207 with

"archival quality ink", "used

by professionals". It - and

this is evident in the notebook

in which I write this but

probably won't be if I

ever type it up - writes

-

shittily. Perhaps this is

due to the paper or to the

thin air where I now find

myself. Now it's writing fine

so who knows. I took the

pen apart just now, idly,

didn't have a good grip on

the tip that holds the

spring in, and the tension

released and the tip flew

to the other seat in the

booth of this restaurant. I

hate working here.

-

Today I'm less stressed

because I don't have to

catch a bus to my second

shift. The thought of my

finances still gnaws at

me and the walls are closing

in. The way I'm going isn't

sustainable and one way

or another, by homelessness

or breakdown, I will crumble,

inevitably. I'm not sure what

to do. I'm thinking about

getting a fake identity

and moving to the Balkans

-

or perhaps Kazakhstan. My

current location and situation

is, however, the result of a

similarly spontaneous and

far move, and I'm still

not established here.

My skin is dry. I guess that

wouldn't matter if I

killed myself. Homeless people,

with or without their senses,

are treated like animals. If

you treat people like animals

they will become animals.

The shelter here looks like a cage.

-

Perhaps that's what housing is,

a kennel for a human. The

decorations and dressing make

us forget it. I'm scared of

the future because I don't

know if I will survive it and

I don't want to die. I have

always had a problem with

biting my nails. I have an

oral fixation. I chew half

a pack of gum a day when

I can afford it. Three packs

and two Uniball Signo 207

pens cost $10.46.

-

I worked an hour for them.

How many hours will I need

to work to afford rent? No

matter how many it never seems

to be enough. I'm scared all

the time since I started

feeling emotions again. I miss

being numb but I don't miss

being in the situations that

made me numb. Maybe I

just need to sleep. I can't

fall asleep without either weed

or watching people die on

my cell phone.

-

I saw someone decapitated

by the wheels of a train.

I wondered how bad it would

be to die that way. They looked

so happy on social media. I

try so hard to be kind to

everybody. It has been 2 days

since last I hugged anybody.

I feel so alone. I'm not,

but the being is different

from the feeling. I am sad.

My girlfriend won't text me

back. Its replies were sparse

when I was sleeping outside

-

because it was worried I

would die in the cold. The

people I love most in the

world don't believe I will

ever be successful. I think

I might. If I was

infinitely powerful I would

give the empty houses to those

that need them and an I.D.

to anyone that wanted one.

I would feed the hungry and

transport the travelers. I

would find somebody who

knows exactly how I now feel.

-

[tawa] [tenpo] [ante]

[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja].

[ni] [li] [tenpo] [ike]. [mi] [pakala]. [mi] [ike] [mute]. [mi] [pali] [moki]

[e]

[soweli] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [soweli] [moli] [ala]

[taso] [jan ike] [moli] [e] [soweli] [suwi]. [mi] [pakala].

[tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [pali] [moku] [e] [soweli] [suwi] [moli]. [mi]

[pakala].

[mi] [ike] [seme] [jan ike]. [mi] [pilin ike] [mute]. [mi] [pilin pakala]. [mi]

[ike] [tawa] [mi].

[mi] [ike] [tawa] [soweli]. [mi] [ike] [tawa] [ma] [ali]. [mi] [ike]. [mi]

[pakala].

[toki] [nimi Japanese] [la] [tu] [tu] [pi] [toki pona] [li] [moli]. [mi]

[pakala]:

[mi] [toki] [e] [ni]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [nanpa] [tu] [tu].

[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [mun] [ike]. [mi] [pilin ike]

[mute].

[mi] [toki]. [mi] [pakala].

-

I've done abhorrent, horrible

things, and I don't know how

to make up for them. Killing

myself would be a start.

I wonder what it's like to

be dead. I wish there

wasn't rebirth.

-

i took the bus to work

i'm sorry

car just didn't start

the park

the gas tank full

the lighter

sorry

took the bus to work

i'm sorry

fifty year old man

i'm sorry

bandanna in a bottle

i drink til my tongue slips

i'm sorry

whatcha sorry for

i'm sorry

took the bus to work

and i think tonight i'm gonna let it hit me

he didn't see it coming

and his pace remained the same

eveloped in fire

did you feel anything?

i'm sorry for the slaughter

but god does my job pay

i bought myself a new car

but can't bear to fill the tank

-

[moli] [li] [pimeja] [e] [mi]

[pimeja] [soweli] [la]

[mi] [len] [e] [mi] [e] [ni]

[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]

[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [lape]

[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [ni]: [mi] [lape]

[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]

[mi] [wile] [e] [pali] [lape]

[mi] [lape] [ala]

[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]

[mi] [pakala]

-

[tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]

city square littered with corpses

vendors fallen at their stalls

bags spilled open, coins atwinkle

reflecting moonlight. earthly stars

if you cut one open the blood would be dark red

no oxygen in their system, hypoxia, death instant

civilians struck in a war of which they weren't aware

died for a growing number on a screen

children are among them, and in homes babies cribbed

a bus driver reading a dog eared copy of the tao te ching

four of a chosen family out of broken homes

taken from a cold street to new apartment, optimists

nobody mourns the losses. members of a town too small

in life they all were lovers. now inanimate

a flower sits in a cup, never to be watered again

in the face of inevitability, what has it all meant

city square declared a grave site

by nobody; nobody cares

a dog lays still on the cobblestone

its last experience fitful sleep, a nightmare

-

I'm tired.

-

i don't believe in a god

and haven't since i saw a dog

skinned alive

a mess of dripping, florid blood

and muscle and bone

and it let out what screams

can be screamed with what function

its analog to our vocal chords

had left

and kept screaming

shaking, it hanged suuspended by rope

from an oak tree, perhaps maple

the twine brown matching the sand

and dirt and green leaves

and not the unnatural red

of the shivering animal

unable to comprehend even its fate

let alone what brought its aggressors

to take a machete to the starving, matted

thing. how could a merciful, good creator

allow one of her children to experience

such a thing, and not die upon removal

of the face? who would want to survive such

a thing? and especially,

if not only a god is our creator but

the arbiter of our fates,

why did she let someone record it and put it

on liveleak? why did she let me watch it

when i was 14?

-

The mountain, eons old

and wise for what it

has weathered, knows not

to abuse its unimaginable

strength.

The hornet, with a life cycle of days, is given an

appropriately small amount

of venom for its size and

stings unprovoked.

Blame neither.

They reflect the

kindness of their worlds.

-

hope you're doing okay

i'm about to sleep, worked a lot today

will we talk tomorrow?

of course we will babe

that was last month

was I ghosted? I really can't say

I might be single but

I hold onto the hope that it'll message again

what did I say

what did I do

I thought we had something

was it as real to you

how did I push

my dearest dear away

would you tell me if it was over?

was I really so unsafe?

-

do you remember me

i thought what we had was a lot

i always think of you

am i just someone you forgot

we've been dating for a bit

but goddammit, i sort of loved you

when you curl up with [...],

my old plushie, do you think of what you lost

god, i miss you, and i'm so alone

when i sleep i look at my phone

and look at you, comfy, under the sheets.

i hope the blankets don't make you too hot

what did i do to justify a cold shoulder

what did i say to bring famine to my soul

will you return to explain your hiatus

or will you leave me to rot

whatever it was, i'm sorry

and i hope you get back someday

i keep thinking about the solace under the wheels of a train

do you think i'll feel any pain

-

i'm at the bus stop and freezing

do you get what i mean?

it's been a week since you called

am i still in your screen?

i think of you daily

or the bottomless pit

i wanna throw myself into

but that's just how i think

you got tired of me

as a loving girlfriend

faded novelty

and so much repetition

but i liked the routine

and you said it was your happy ending

after every chapter there's another

is a better life what i'll get

no longer so trusting a lover

my heart aches, i should have guarded it

-

It said it loved me but

it hasn't responded to my

text messages in two weeks.

I suppose it's busy but I

haven't even had a single-

word update. It feels like

I'm being avoided. It hurts.

I really did love it. It's hard

for me to love. If it called

and apologized and made it

up to me I don't think it

would fix things. I feel

disrespected as a partner.

-

We're poly and I know

and have known it is seeing

someone else, and am and

have always been fine with

it. Someone else more

important to it. I was

thankful, really, and still am

that it received more than

only I could provide, a 20

year old fast food worker.

I can't compare to its

college scholarships and

leadership roles. I never

wanted or needed to.

-

And I didn't ever call as

much as we planned and

I became more of a recluse

than the person it started

dating. But I've been to its

apartment. I took it on

dates, gave it its favorite

stuffed animal, formerly

mine. We don't have a

long history but we do have

a history. I don't even

know if we're broken up.

Tomorrow will be two weeks.

-

Nearly four months. I feel

doomed to never keep a

relationship longer than

four months.

I wish I had what it

takes to commit suicide.

-

[...] & [,,,]

-> [...] & [,,,] - 9.7km $D

gas price ($G) - $/gal

gas price $g/gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter

mileage ($M) -> mi / gal

mileage $m mi / gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter

$m mi / liter * 1.6 km / 1 mi -> km / liter

-

It messaged me back.

It too has been having

a rough go of things.

I'm in a downward

spiral. I hate this fucking

Christmas music. I use

gum to forget taste, gore

to desensitize sight, music

to ignore my ears,

cleaning work to burn my

nostrils, weed to feel

nothing and forget the

world of which I wish

I wasn't a part.

-

In fleeting moments of peace

I'm overcome by the beauty

of this simple place. Then

my head by the hair is

dragged back into the dark

mirror and I am once again

submerged in my own misery.

I want my face ripped off,

to drown in my own blood

as it's forced into my nose

by the tubes under my eyes,

to see in the mirror the

muscles that scarcely do

else but frown.

-

When people knock on the

bathroom door I get nervous

and leave and they always

look mad at me. Why?

I was doing what they wish

to do. Why not be sympathetic

to what we have in common

-- a urinary tract, a digestive

system. I never take

very long.

I agreed to start coming

into work earlier. It felt

like signing my death

certificate. I'm so tired.

-

This job doesn't pay

enough. I work 50 hour

weeks to be able to

afford basic necessities,

many of which I still forgo.

I charge a battery pack at

work to avoid using electricity

in the apartment. I take

one short shower a week to

avoid water usage and

electricity for the water

heater. I use my phone

flashlight (charged at work

too) to avoid the overhead

lamps.

-

I spend a lot of time at

work. 6 days a week, 8-10

hour days, some 6s around

so I don't get too much

overtime. I show up an

hour early. I spend about

half an hour on the bus, before

that half an hour at the

stop. Then another half

hour at the stop after work.

That's two and a half

hours I spend either at

work or commuting, plus

the usual 8. 2.6 * 6 = 13hrs + 50hrs working

= 63 hrs out of the apartment

-

Then I sleep 8hrs a night,

or at least set aside that

time for it. 56hrs a week.

I have 49hrs a week past

labor, transit, and sleep.

It's time but I wish I had

more. I and my loved ones

are aging. I wanna spend

the prime decades of my life

playing, creating, socializing.

All I do is labor, if not done

by me then someone else. And

I'm exhausted.

-

What makes matters worse

is that I have some innate,

compulsive need to labor if

on the clock as I am paid

to do. This while those around

me use their cell phones to

watch video and otherwise

idle. I work and they do

not and while I slowly

clean the workplace I

wonder, perhaps realize - though

I had already realized, so

moreso I just turn the

thought around in my head

-

like a dead pig's sausage

rotating on a warmer at a

gas station - why this

place is so dirty.

I want to go somewhere

clean, or to nowhere at all.

I want to love in a shallow

pool of water, in Lao-Tzu's

moon. I want to cease

living. I want to die. I

want to be killed. I want

to kill myself. Because then,

at least, the work will

be over.

-

The voices will quiet. I will

calm and my heart will be

still. I will be not too hot,

not too cold, without aching

muscles or aging joints. I

want this finity not as a

termination of my residence

per se but as a respite from

the Hell for which I

constantly volunteer. Many

lean on me; I lean on

nothing. Many know me.

I know nothing. I love many.

And in my heart know I am alone.

-

I watch a lot of

beheadings and it's

kind of a bummer

that they all focus on

the head and not the

body. The blood pouring

out of the neck as if

champagne

uncorked seriously

arouses me. I unironically

want to behead someone

and fuck their windpipe.

I want to be covered

in blood, someone else's

or my own.

-

I don't know what to

do with this notebook.

Who would want to read

this? What kind of

person would identify

with me?

I took my clothes off

and got in the shower

naked. I feel defenseless

when showering, especially

without a knife beside

me. I shampood my

scalp and conditioned

my hair

-

and I took the

washcloth and scrubbed

at my face but my

face was stuck too well

to my skull to be so

easily removed. I scrubbed

down my chest and arms

and legs and neck and

felt where I'd like someone

to saw at me, disconnect

my head from my heart.

I was thirsty but it

felt weird to drink the

shower water.

-

I'm scared of using soap

because it costs so much.

Scared of shampoo and

conditioner because they

cost so much. The

bathroom light and fan.

The water. I scrubbed

at my feet and the bottoms

were gray, the soles

padded with dead skin

because I spend all

my time walking. I scrubbed

at them but not too

much because I'll take any

padding I can get.

-

I finished and dried

myself with a towel and

got out of the shower

and felt lightheaded and

I don't know why. And

I put on clothes and came

out to the living room.

This is the last page of

the notebook and my

hair smells like lavendar

and my arms like

eucalyptus. And I'm sorry

for being here. At least

I'm finally clean.

-

The notebook on which this was written will be incinerated and I will move on

from thinking about any of this.

 }
+/blah/2023-12-14.html
+: Ruminations
+Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-
+NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.
+Written over the last two weeks or so. Do not read this if you know me
+personally and ideally do not read otherwise, either. Do not try to talk to me
+about this. I'm not gonna kill myself. I just was ruminating about the idea.
+-
+I've been thinking
+about killing myself;
+the coward's way out,
+sure, but a way out
+nevertheless. I really
+want to die. I want to
+feel it. I'd like to
+drown, to immolate,
+to bleed out. I crave
+the subtleties of the
+experiences that I
+cannot fathom. In
+my dreams I do; I
+am chopped with
+axes,
+-
+slain with swords,
+various means of blunt
+force. I am both
+executed and executioner,
+I experience all
+perspectives
+simultaneously as it
+is my subconscious
+that renders my
+potential fates, and
+in the moment I
+am cruel, and in the
+moment I am kind,
+and as the one
+-
+to die I feel relieved
+to go, to be able to
+let go of my stresses
+and fears for my
+longed-for certainty.
+I'm tired of the
+lucky escapes, the
+dei ex machinae. I
+feel like a character
+of fiction, the pulp
+protagonist that
+always improbably
+makes it out of the
+bind. Like my fate
+-
+is already written,
+predestined; sometimes
+I can even see the
+lines ahead, Kami
+knows sections by
+heart. I just got
+on the bus I wasn't
+sure I could afford
+and it was free.
+Maybe I'm an angel,
+compulsively
+accomplishing
+selfless miracles.
+If so, to be an
+-
+angel is to be in
+Hell. Condemned to
+goodness. I am so
+fucking stressed
+because it takes
+more and more work
+for everything to just
+work out. This
+morning I thought
+I was gonna break
+down, actually just
+break down. But
+that's not in the
+pages.
+-
+I want to be
+alive and without
+anaesthetic for
+my dissection. I
+want to see the
+scalpel approach
+my flesh, feel it
+carve me and see
+my own pink-dyed
+subcutaneous fat.
+The crimson viscera.
+I want to taste my
+own blood as I
+succumb to
+-
+mortality. Done by
+[...] or [...] or both.
+In my scripted
+demise will I
+know commfort, will
+I have known
+comfort? Or will I
+faint into a trench
+and have the cold
+work its way in
+from the extremeties.
+This morning I cried,
+now my sadness had
+hardened to a rich,
+-
+coffee-smooth
+bitterness, a numbness
+too. I can't keep
+friends because I
+never interact first,
+see myself a burden.
+The fuel that weighs
+down the ship. Spend
+me until you have
+nothing left, be free
+of me among the
+stars. I arrived at
+work an hour and a
+half early. It's
+-
+nothing, the time ticks
+on regardless. I hate
+Christmas music. I am
+so alone. [mi] [olin] [ala] [e] [mi].
+[mi] [ike] [tawa] [mi]. I wish to be
+primitive, of the
+forest, to be solitary.
+I would be so lonely
+without [...].
+I don't talk to the
+people close to me
+and to others I say
+less. I want to taste
+my blood. I want to
+-
+burn myself. I want
+to die. But I don't
+want to do it. My
+friends depend on
+me. And I have things
+to write. When I am
+done I will take my
+leave. I want the
+suffering to be over. I
+want Nirvana. Nirvana
+isn't heaven, it's simply
+the conclusion to a
+finite cycle of rebirth.
+The conclusion to one's
+-
+suffering.
+I'd like to see
+Chicago, California,
+the Bodhi tree, the
+sunrise from atop a
+mountain, a molten
+wall, the inside of a
+flame, mucky clotted
+blood. A chunk of
+clot in a pool of
+it.
+-
+It's not that I don't
+know how to ask for
+what I want but
+that I know I only
+get what is deserved,
+not what is desired.
+I am a parable;
+beware of excess. It's
+better that I don't
+control my own fate
+else I'd
+meet it. I believe I
+am have cancer because I
+don't want to believe
+-
+I will live 60, 70
+more years, because
+the best of those I
+knew did not. When
+I hear the Underscores
+song I think, know
+it too; Everybody's
+dead and it's all my
+fault. I don't have
+the means to be vegan
+in a way that is
+healthy but I can't
+bring myself to eat
+dead animal; I've
+-
+caused enough harm.
+I feel too old and
+too young. I don't
+know how to afford
+rent. Not here, not
+anywhere. I'd like
+to become a Buddhist
+monk. Burger King
+coffee is bad but not
+terrible. [tomo] [pi] [soweli] [moli].
+[mi] [olin] [e] [toki pona]. I am as much
+an animal as a cow
+and know beef as
+fallen brethren.
+-
+I wish to harm and
+not harm, to be
+caged and free, to
+be known and
+Anonymous, to love
+and to be forgotten.
+Pass on my memories.
+I am so tired all the
+time. Fatigued, weary,
+sleepy. I need to
+figure out how to get
+an apartment. I need
+a new social security
+-
+card. I want to die
+because this work is
+so hard and will get
+harder yet. I want
+to have a small
+apartment with one or
+two close friends full
+of pillows and blankets
+with a warm picture
+tube and modded
+Gamecube. How do I
+make friends? How do
+I afford an apartment
+?
+-
+I do everything
+wrong. When I am
+praised it is without
+sincerity, when I am
+held it is without
+catharsis, when I am
+loved it is without
+reality. To fall asleep
+I think about cuddling
+my girlfriend. I miss
+my stuffed shark but
+a stuffed shark will
+not fit in a backpack.
+Nor will aspirations.
+-
+[mi] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [li] [ike] [lili]. [ni]
+	[li]
+[ante] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [pini]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [wili] [e]
+	[lape].
+[mi] [jo] [e] [lape] [lili] [tan] [tenpo] [mun] [pini] [la] [mi] [lukin] [e]
+[jan] [moli]. [mi] [moli] [ala] [taso] [mi] [wili] [lukin] [e] [jan]
+[moli] [tan] [mi] [wile] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [ala] [moli]. [mi] [olin] [moli]
+	[ala].
+[mi] [pakala]. [mi] [kama] [sona] [e] [toki pona]. [mi] [toki ike] [e] [toki
+	pona]. [o] [toki] [ala].
+I got a new pen today. A
+Uniball Signo 207 with
+"archival quality ink", "used
+by professionals". It - and
+this is evident in the notebook
+in which I write this but
+probably won't be if I
+ever type it up - writes
+-
+shittily. Perhaps this is
+due to the paper or to the
+thin air where I now find
+myself. Now it's writing fine
+so who knows. I took the
+pen apart just now, idly,
+didn't have a good grip on
+the tip that holds the
+spring in, and the tension
+released and the tip flew
+to the other seat in the
+booth of this restaurant. I
+hate working here.
+-
+Today I'm less stressed
+because I don't have to
+catch a bus to my second
+shift. The thought of my
+finances still gnaws at
+me and the walls are closing
+in. The way I'm going isn't
+sustainable and one way
+or another, by homelessness
+or breakdown, I will crumble,
+inevitably. I'm not sure what
+to do. I'm thinking about
+getting a fake identity
+and moving to the Balkans
+-
+or perhaps Kazakhstan. My
+current location and situation
+is, however, the result of a
+similarly spontaneous and
+far move, and I'm still
+not established here.
+My skin is dry. I guess that
+wouldn't matter if I
+killed myself. Homeless people,
+with or without their senses,
+are treated like animals. If
+you treat people like animals
+they will become animals.
+The shelter here looks like a cage.
+-
+Perhaps that's what housing is,
+a kennel for a human. The
+decorations and dressing make
+us forget it. I'm scared of
+the future because I don't
+know if I will survive it and
+I don't want to die. I have
+always had a problem with
+biting my nails. I have an
+oral fixation. I chew half
+a pack of gum a day when
+I can afford it. Three packs
+and two Uniball Signo 207
+pens cost $10.46.
+-
+I worked an hour for them.
+How many hours will I need
+to work to afford rent? No
+matter how many it never seems
+to be enough. I'm scared all
+the time since I started
+feeling emotions again. I miss
+being numb but I don't miss
+being in the situations that
+made me numb. Maybe I
+just need to sleep. I can't
+fall asleep without either weed
+or watching people die on
+my cell phone.
+-
+I saw someone decapitated
+by the wheels of a train.
+I wondered how bad it would
+be to die that way. They looked
+so happy on social media. I
+try so hard to be kind to
+everybody. It has been 2 days
+since last I hugged anybody.
+I feel so alone. I'm not,
+but the being is different
+from the feeling. I am sad.
+My girlfriend won't text me
+back. Its replies were sparse
+when I was sleeping outside
+-
+because it was worried I
+would die in the cold. The
+people I love most in the
+world don't believe I will
+ever be successful. I think
+I might. If I was
+infinitely powerful I would
+give the empty houses to those
+that need them and an I.D.
+to anyone that wanted one.
+I would feed the hungry and
+transport the travelers. I
+would find somebody who
+knows exactly how I now feel.
+-
+[tawa] [tenpo] [ante]
+[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja].
+[ni] [li] [tenpo] [ike]. [mi] [pakala]. [mi] [ike] [mute]. [mi] [pali] [moki]
+	[e]
+[soweli] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [soweli] [moli] [ala]
+[taso] [jan ike] [moli] [e] [soweli] [suwi]. [mi] [pakala].
+[tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [pali] [moku] [e] [soweli] [suwi] [moli]. [mi]
+	[pakala].
+[mi] [ike] [seme] [jan ike]. [mi] [pilin ike] [mute]. [mi] [pilin pakala]. [mi]
+	[ike] [tawa] [mi].
+[mi] [ike] [tawa] [soweli]. [mi] [ike] [tawa] [ma] [ali]. [mi] [ike]. [mi]
+	[pakala].
+[toki] [nimi Japanese] [la] [tu] [tu] [pi] [toki pona] [li] [moli]. [mi]
+	[pakala]:
+[mi] [toki] [e] [ni]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [nanpa] [tu] [tu].
+[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [mun] [ike]. [mi] [pilin ike]
+	[mute].
+[mi] [toki]. [mi] [pakala].
+-
+I've done abhorrent, horrible
+things, and I don't know how
+to make up for them. Killing
+myself would be a start.
+I wonder what it's like to
+be dead. I wish there
+wasn't rebirth.
+-
+i took the bus to work
+i'm sorry
+car just didn't start
+the park
+the gas tank full
+the lighter
+sorry
+took the bus to work
+i'm sorry
+fifty year old man
+i'm sorry
+bandanna in a bottle
+bandanna in a bottle
+i drink til my tongue slips
+i'm sorry
+whatcha sorry for
+i'm sorry
+took the bus to work
+and i think tonight i'm gonna let it hit me
+he didn't see it coming
+and his pace remained the same
+eveloped in fire
+did you feel anything?
+i'm sorry for the slaughter
+but god does my job pay
+i bought myself a new car
+but can't bear to fill the tank
+-
+[moli] [li] [pimeja] [e] [mi]
+[pimeja] [soweli] [la]
+[mi] [len] [e] [mi] [e] [ni]
+[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
+[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [lape]
+[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [ni]: [mi] [lape]
+[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
+[mi] [wile] [e] [pali] [lape]
+[mi] [lape] [ala]
+[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
+[mi] [pakala]
+[mi] [pakala]
+[mi] [pakala]
+[mi] [pakala]
+-
+[tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]
+city square littered with corpses
+vendors fallen at their stalls
+bags spilled open, coins atwinkle
+reflecting moonlight. earthly stars
+if you cut one open the blood would be dark red
+no oxygen in their system, hypoxia, death instant
+civilians struck in a war of which they weren't aware
+died for a growing number on a screen
+children are among them, and in homes babies cribbed
+a bus driver reading a dog eared copy of the tao te ching
+four of a chosen family out of broken homes
+taken from a cold street to new apartment, optimists
+nobody mourns the losses. members of a town too small
+in life they all were lovers. now inanimate
+a flower sits in a cup, never to be watered again
+in the face of inevitability, what has it all meant
+city square declared a grave site
+by nobody; nobody cares
+a dog lays still on the cobblestone
+its last experience fitful sleep, a nightmare
+-
+I'm tired.
+-
+-
+i don't believe in a god
+and haven't since i saw a dog
+skinned alive
+a mess of dripping, florid blood
+and muscle and bone
+and it let out what screams
+can be screamed with what function
+its analog to our vocal chords
+had left
+and kept screaming
+shaking, it hanged suuspended by rope
+from an oak tree, perhaps maple
+the twine brown matching the sand
+and dirt and green leaves
+and not the unnatural red
+of the shivering animal
+unable to comprehend even its fate
+let alone what brought its aggressors
+to take a machete to the starving, matted
+thing. how could a merciful, good creator
+allow one of her children to experience
+such a thing, and not die upon removal
+of the face? who would want to survive such
+a thing? and especially,
+if not only a god is our creator but
+the arbiter of our fates,
+why did she let someone record it and put it
+on liveleak? why did she let me watch it
+when i was 14?
+-
+The mountain, eons old
+and wise for what it
+has weathered, knows not
+to abuse its unimaginable
+strength.
+The hornet, with a life cycle of days, is given an
+appropriately small amount
+of venom for its size and
+stings unprovoked.
+Blame neither.
+They reflect the
+kindness of their worlds.
+-
+hope you're doing okay
+i'm about to sleep, worked a lot today
+will we talk tomorrow?
+of course we will babe
+that was last month
+was I ghosted? I really can't say
+I might be single but
+I hold onto the hope that it'll message again
+what did I say
+what did I do
+I thought we had something
+was it as real to you
+how did I push
+my dearest dear away
+would you tell me if it was over?
+was I really so unsafe?
+-
+do you remember me
+i thought what we had was a lot
+i always think of you
+am i just someone you forgot
+we've been dating for a bit
+but goddammit, i sort of loved you
+when you curl up with [...],
+my old plushie, do you think of what you lost
+god, i miss you, and i'm so alone
+when i sleep i look at my phone
+and look at you, comfy, under the sheets.
+i hope the blankets don't make you too hot
+what did i do to justify a cold shoulder
+what did i say to bring famine to my soul
+will you return to explain your hiatus
+or will you leave me to rot
+whatever it was, i'm sorry
+and i hope you get back someday
+i keep thinking about the solace under the wheels of a train
+do you think i'll feel any pain
+-
+i'm at the bus stop and freezing
+do you get what i mean?
+it's been a week since you called
+am i still in your screen?
+i think of you daily
+or the bottomless pit
+i wanna throw myself into
+but that's just how i think
+you got tired of me
+as a loving girlfriend
+faded novelty
+and so much repetition
+but i liked the routine
+and you said it was your happy ending
+after every chapter there's another
+is a better life what i'll get
+no longer so trusting a lover
+my heart aches, i should have guarded it
+-
+It said it loved me but
+it hasn't responded to my
+text messages in two weeks.
+I suppose it's busy but I
+haven't even had a single-
+word update. It feels like
+I'm being avoided. It hurts.
+I really did love it. It's hard
+for me to love. If it called
+and apologized and made it
+up to me I don't think it
+would fix things. I feel
+disrespected as a partner.
+-
+We're poly and I know
+and have known it is seeing
+someone else, and am and
+have always been fine with
+it. Someone else more
+important to it. I was
+thankful, really, and still am
+that it received more than
+only I could provide, a 20
+year old fast food worker.
+I can't compare to its
+college scholarships and
+leadership roles. I never
+wanted or needed to.
+-
+And I didn't ever call as
+much as we planned and
+I became more of a recluse
+than the person it started
+dating. But I've been to its
+apartment. I took it on
+dates, gave it its favorite
+stuffed animal, formerly
+mine. We don't have a
+long history but we do have
+a history. I don't even
+know if we're broken up.
+Tomorrow will be two weeks.
+-
+Nearly four months. I feel
+doomed to never keep a
+relationship longer than
+four months.
+I wish I had what it
+takes to commit suicide.
+-
+[...] & [,,,]
+-> [...] & [,,,] - 9.7km $D
+gas price ($G) - $/gal
+gas price $g/gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
+mileage ($M) -> mi / gal
+mileage $m mi / gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
+$m mi / liter * 1.6 km / 1 mi -> km / liter
+-
+-
+-
+-
+It messaged me back.
+It too has been having
+a rough go of things.
+I'm in a downward
+spiral. I hate this fucking
+Christmas music. I use
+gum to forget taste, gore
+to desensitize sight, music
+to ignore my ears,
+cleaning work to burn my
+nostrils, weed to feel
+nothing and forget the
+world of which I wish
+I wasn't a part.
+-
+In fleeting moments of peace
+I'm overcome by the beauty
+of this simple place. Then
+my head by the hair is
+dragged back into the dark
+mirror and I am once again
+submerged in my own misery.
+I want my face ripped off,
+to drown in my own blood
+as it's forced into my nose
+by the tubes under my eyes,
+to see in the mirror the
+muscles that scarcely do
+else but frown.
+-
+When people knock on the
+bathroom door I get nervous
+and leave and they always
+look mad at me. Why?
+I was doing what they wish
+to do. Why not be sympathetic
+to what we have in common
+-- a urinary tract, a digestive
+system. I never take
+very long.
+I agreed to start coming
+into work earlier. It felt
+like signing my death
+certificate. I'm so tired.
+-
+This job doesn't pay
+enough. I work 50 hour
+weeks to be able to
+afford basic necessities,
+many of which I still forgo.
+I charge a battery pack at
+work to avoid using electricity
+in the apartment. I take
+one short shower a week to
+avoid water usage and
+electricity for the water
+heater. I use my phone
+flashlight (charged at work
+too) to avoid the overhead
+lamps.
+-
+I spend a lot of time at
+work. 6 days a week, 8-10
+hour days, some 6s around
+so I don't get too much
+overtime. I show up an
+hour early. I spend about
+half an hour on the bus, before
+that half an hour at the
+stop. Then another half
+hour at the stop after work.
+That's two and a half
+hours I spend either at
+work or commuting, plus
+the usual 8. 2.6 * 6 = 13hrs + 50hrs working
+= 63 hrs out of the apartment
+-
+Then I sleep 8hrs a night,
+or at least set aside that
+time for it. 56hrs a week.
+I have 49hrs a week past
+labor, transit, and sleep.
+It's time but I wish I had
+more. I and my loved ones
+are aging. I wanna spend
+the prime decades of my life
+playing, creating, socializing.
+All I do is labor, if not done
+by me then someone else. And
+I'm exhausted.
+-
+What makes matters worse
+is that I have some innate,
+compulsive need to labor if
+on the clock as I am paid
+to do. This while those around
+me use their cell phones to
+watch video and otherwise
+idle. I work and they do
+not and while I slowly
+clean the workplace I
+wonder, perhaps realize - though
+I had already realized, so
+moreso I just turn the
+thought around in my head
+-
+like a dead pig's sausage
+rotating on a warmer at a
+gas station - why this
+place is so dirty.
+I want to go somewhere
+clean, or to nowhere at all.
+I want to love in a shallow
+pool of water, in Lao-Tzu's
+moon. I want to cease
+living. I want to die. I
+want to be killed. I want
+to kill myself. Because then,
+at least, the work will
+be over.
+-
+The voices will quiet. I will
+calm and my heart will be
+still. I will be not too hot,
+not too cold, without aching
+muscles or aging joints. I
+want this finity not as a
+termination of my residence
+per se but as a respite from
+the Hell for which I
+constantly volunteer. Many
+lean on me; I lean on
+nothing. Many know me.
+I know nothing. I love many.
+And in my heart know I am alone.
+-
+I watch a lot of
+beheadings and it's
+kind of a bummer
+that they all focus on
+the head and not the
+body. The blood pouring
+out of the neck as if
+champagne
+uncorked seriously
+arouses me. I unironically
+want to behead someone
+and fuck their windpipe.
+I want to be covered
+in blood, someone else's
+or my own.
+-
+I don't know what to
+do with this notebook.
+Who would want to read
+this? What kind of
+person would identify
+with me?
+I took my clothes off
+and got in the shower
+naked. I feel defenseless
+when showering, especially
+without a knife beside
+me. I shampood my
+scalp and conditioned
+my hair
+-
+and I took the
+washcloth and scrubbed
+at my face but my
+face was stuck too well
+to my skull to be so
+easily removed. I scrubbed
+down my chest and arms
+and legs and neck and
+felt where I'd like someone
+to saw at me, disconnect
+my head from my heart.
+I was thirsty but it
+felt weird to drink the
+shower water.
+-
+I'm scared of using soap
+because it costs so much.
+Scared of shampoo and
+conditioner because they
+cost so much. The
+bathroom light and fan.
+The water. I scrubbed
+at my feet and the bottoms
+were gray, the soles
+padded with dead skin
+because I spend all
+my time walking. I scrubbed
+at them but not too
+much because I'll take any
+padding I can get.
+-
+I finished and dried
+myself with a towel and
+got out of the shower
+and felt lightheaded and
+I don't know why. And
+I put on clothes and came
+out to the living room.
+This is the last page of
+the notebook and my
+hair smells like lavendar
+and my arms like
+eucalyptus. And I'm sorry
+for being here. At least
+I'm finally clean.
+-
+The notebook on which this was written will be incinerated and I will move on
+from thinking about any of this.
 /blah/2023-12-12.html
 Didn't have time to figure out how to set up TeX. Still don't. Don't have time

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