17086 lines
669 KiB
Bash
Executable File
17086 lines
669 KiB
Bash
Executable File
#!/bin/sh
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#llllmmmm11234567892123456789312345678941234567895123456789612345678971234567890
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# vim: syntax=:ts=8
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set -ex
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<"$0" python3 -c '
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import os, sys
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class File:
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attributes = []; content = ""; substitutions = dict()
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figurative = True; stub = True
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def addattribute(self, *args):
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for a in args: # sloppy but works
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if a == "stub": self.stub = True
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elif a == "verbatim": self.stub = False
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elif a == "figuratively": self.figurative = True
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elif a == "literally": self.figurative = False
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def __init__(self, **kwargs):
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for key in kwargs:
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if key == "attributes": self.addattribute(*kwargs[key])
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else: setattr(self, key, kwargs[key])
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files = dict()
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for part in reversed(sys.stdin.read().split("\n\n\n")):
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name = "." + part.split("\n")[0]
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if "\t" in "." + name:
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attributes = name.split("\t")[1].split(",")
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name = name.split("\t")[0]
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else: attributes = []
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if len(name) <= 1 or name[1] != "/" or "ignore" in attributes:
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continue
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content = part.split("\n\n")[0].split("\n")
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substitutions = dict()
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if(len(content) > 1):
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for s in content[1:]:
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s = s.split("\t")
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if len(s) == 2: substitutions[s[0]] = s[1]
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mode = "replace"
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for attribute in attributes:
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if attribute in ["append", "replace"]:
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mode = attribute
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attributes = list(set(attributes) ^ {"append", "replace"})
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content = part[len("\n".join(content))+2:]
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file = File(attributes = attributes, content = content + "\n",
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substitutions = substitutions)
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if mode == "append":
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if not(name in files):
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sys.stderr.write(sys.argv[0] + ": " + name + ": "
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+ "appending to nothing\n")
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else:
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file.content = files[name].content + file.content
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files[name] = file
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for name in files:
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if files[name].stub:
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p = ""; s = ""; d = name
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while True:
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d = os.path.dirname(d)
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if (p == ""
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and os.path.join(d, "Prefix")
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in files.keys()):
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p = files[os.path.join(d, "Prefix")].content
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if (s == ""
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and os.path.join(d, "Suffix")
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in files.keys()):
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s = files[os.path.join(d, "Suffix")].content
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if d == "." or (not(p == "") and not(s == "")):
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break
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files[name].content = p + files[name].content + s
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if files[name].figurative:
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content = files[name].content
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for s in files[name].substitutions:
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instances = []
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i = 0
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while True:
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instance = content.find(s, i)
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if instance == -1: break
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instances += [instance]
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i = instance + len(s)
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if len(instances) == 0: continue
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for i in reversed(instances):
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content = (content[:i]
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+ files[name].substitutions[s]
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+ content[i+len(s):])
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files[name].content = content
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# TODO error checking
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if not(os.path.isdir(os.path.dirname(name))):
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os.makedirs(os.path.dirname(name))
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with open(name, "w") as fd: fd.write(files[name].content)
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d = ""; bucket = "#!/bin/sh\n"
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for name in files:
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d = name
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while True:
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if os.path.dirname(d) == ".":
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mop = ("rm "
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+ "-r " * os.path.isdir(d)
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+ name # yeah this sucks
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+ "\n"
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)
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if not(mop in bucket): bucket += mop
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break
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else:
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d = os.path.dirname(d)
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if len(bucket.split("\n")) > 2:
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with open("./cleanup.sh", "w") as fd:
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fd.write(bucket)
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'
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test -x homepage.local \
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&& exec ./homepage.local \
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|| test -e homepage.local \
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&& exec sh ./homepage.local \
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|| exit 0
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/CNAME verbatim
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www.trinity.moe
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/BANNER.txt verbatim
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||
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/\ |/||\|| _\|||\ |||||/||\|\\// |\ /|/ \||\|
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/ \ || || /|||\\|||| || || ||\/|| | ||>
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/____\ _||__||\\||||\\|||__||_ _||_()||\/||\_/||/|
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/license.html
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<P>Except where noted, www.trinity.moe is available under the Blue Oak Model
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License 1.0.0 as defined below.</P>
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<PRE>
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Blue Oak Model License, Version 1.0.0
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Purpose
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This license gives everyone as much permission to work with this
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software as possible, while protecting contributors from liability.
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Acceptance
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In order to receive this license, you must agree to its rules. The
|
||
rules of this license are both obligations under that agreement and conditions
|
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to your license. You must not do anything with this software that triggers a
|
||
rule that you cannot or will not follow.
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||
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Copyright
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||
Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
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||
would otherwise infringe that contributor's copyright in it.
|
||
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Notices
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||
You must ensure that everyone who gets a copy of any part of this
|
||
software from you, with or without changes, also gets the text of this license
|
||
or a link to <https://blueoakcouncil.org/license/1.0.0>.
|
||
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||
Excuse
|
||
If anyone notifies you in writing that you have not complied with the
|
||
Notices, you can keep your license by taking all practical steps to comply
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within 30 days after the notice. If you do not do so, your license ends
|
||
immediately.
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||
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Patent
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||
Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
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would otherwise infringe any patent claims they can license or become able to
|
||
license.
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Reliability
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No contributor can revoke this license.
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No Liability
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As far as the law allows, this software comes as is, without any
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warranty or condition, and no contributor will be liable to anyone for any
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damages related to this software or this license, under any kind of legal
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claim.
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||
</PRE>
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/homepage.html
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$!TITLE "homepage" documentation
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$!DESCRIPTION one file, one website
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<H1>"homepage" documentation</H1>
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<H2>the forest</H2>
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<P>
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homepage is a single-file static site generator written in UNIX sh(1) shell
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script, the goal being to contain a website with heirarchical page
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organization within a single file that can be run to extract it out to the
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filesystem, almost like a self-extracting UNIX tape archive that documents its
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own layout in a UTF-8 script closer to English.
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</P>
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<H2>trees</H2>
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<H3>files</H3>
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<P>
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To add a file to your homepage, append three newlines ('\n', or the
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Enter/Return key on your keyboard) to the end of the homepage file, followed
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by the path of the file to add. A homepage file path starts with a slash ('/')
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and is followed by the path to the file relative to the prefix directory (the
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directory containing homepage). A file path that starts with a hash ('#') is
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discarded. For all non-slash- non-hash- prefixed file paths, the behavior of
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homepage is undefined.
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</P>
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<H4>file attributes</H4>
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<P>
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On the same line as the file path, if, after the path, a tab ('\t') is
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present, the substring following the first tab in the line and spanning to
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and excluding the next tab or newline describes the attributes of the file as
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it is exported to the file system. These file attributes are delimited by
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commas (',') and there's no limit to the amount of attributes a file can
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have, though in the event of conflicting attributes the later attribute
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"wins" the conflict.
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</P>
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<TABLE>
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<TR><TH>attribute</TH> <TH>default?</TH><TH>action</TH></TR>
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<TR><TD>"figuratively"</TD><TD>yes</TD>
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<TD>Indicates the file should be subject to macro expansion.</TD></TR>
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<TR><TD>"ignore"</TD> <TD>no</TD> <TD>Ignore the current entry.</TD>
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</TR>
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<TR><TD>"literally"</TD> <TD>no</TD>
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<TD>Opposite of "figuratively".</TD></TR>
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<TR><TD>"stub"</TD> <TD>yes</TD>
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<TD>Indicates the file should be exported to the filesystem with the
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appropriate Prefix and Suffix files prepended or appended.</TD>
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</TR>
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<TR><TD>"verbatim"</TD> <TD>no</TD> <TD>Opposite of "stub".</TD></TR>
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</TABLE>
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/x200t/index.html
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$!TITLE Thinkpad X200 Tablet
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<SCRIPT TYPE="application/javascript">//<!--
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window.onload = window.initializesheets;
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//--></SCRIPT>
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<H1>Thinkpad X200 Tablet</H1>
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<H3>updated 2022-08-11</H3>
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<HR ALIGN="left" SIZE="1" WIDTH="25%" />
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<P>Contents</P>
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<UL>
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<LI><A HREF="#seealso" >See also</A></LI>
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<LI><A HREF="#camera" >Integrated camera</A></LI>
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<LI><A HREF="#drive" >SATA drive</A></LI>
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<LI><A HREF="#drivecaddy" >Drive caddy</A></LI>
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<LI><A HREF="#memory" >Memory</A></LI>
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<LI><A HREF="#screws" >Screws</A></LI>
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<LI><A HREF="#software" >Software</A></LI>
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<LI><A HREF="#stylus" >Stylus</A></LI>
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</UL>
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<P ID="seealso">See also</P><UL>
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<LI><A HREF="https://wiki.archlinux.org/title/Lenovo_ThinkPad_X200">Lenovo Thinkpad X200</A> (Arch Wiki)</LI>
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<LI><A HREF="https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Thinkpad X200 Tablet and X201 Tablet Hardware Maintenance Manual (fifth edition)</A> (<A HREF="https://web.archive.org/web/20210203043936/https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Archive link</A>)</LI>
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<LI><A HREF="https://linux-hardware.org/?view=computers&model=ThinkPad+X200+Tablet+(All)">Thinkpad X200 Tablet (All)</A> (Linux Hardware Database)</LI>
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<LI><A HREF="https://www.thinkwiki.org/wiki/Category:X200_Tablet">X200 Tablet Overview</A> (Thinkwiki)</LI>
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</UL>
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<H2 ID="camera">Integrated camera</H2>
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<P>
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This is FRU 2060 in the hardware maintenance manual.
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</P>
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<P>
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Some models have the camera, some don't.
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It will be in the middle of the top of the screen bezel (looking at the screen with the <I>lenovo</I> logo oriented normally); some have a black plastic trapezoidal cover, some have the camera option.
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Camera kits are available on-line for the X200 Tablet for around US$15 or so at time of writing.
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</P>
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<H2 ID="drive">SATA drive</H2>
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<P>As far as I know, any 2.5" SATA laptop-sized drive will work.</P>
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<P>
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To replace the drive, locate the drive cover between the stylus holder and RJ-11 modem port on the right side of the laptop.
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Unscrew the screw holding in the cover, to which the hard drive icon on the bottom of the laptop under the stylus holder is pointing.
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Lift out the cover and there the drive will be exposed.
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</P>
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<H2 ID="drivecaddy">Hard drive caddy</H2>
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<P>
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Most of the eBay listings for X200 Tablets don't have hard drive covers or caddies.
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You will want a caddy because it makes it much easier to get a drive out, and because it spaces out the drive in the space provided and provides some (minimal) amount of shock protection.
|
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This is especially good for hard disks as you don't want those moving around in your laptop chassis, even if there's no risk of them being disconnected.
|
||
</P>
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<P>
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In a <I>pinch</I> you can use cardboard to space out a drive.
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I made out okay using folded cardstock given that my X200 Tablet was going nowhere except my desk.
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You should <I>not</I> do this for long periods, not really because there's some risk that increases as time wears on but just because in general it's stupid.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
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The same rubber rails that go around the hard drive, and the same metal thing that you screw onto the drive that has the black ribbon attached used to pull the drive out, are used for the X200, X200S, X200 Tablet, X201, X201S, X201 Tablet, T420, T420S, T430, and T430S, as far as I know.
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Rubber rails for the X220 Tablet did not work, nor did the bay cover for the X220 Tablet work for the X200 Tablet.
|
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</P>
|
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<H2 ID="memory">Memory</H2>
|
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<P>
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This is FRU 1040 DIMM in the hardware maintenance manual.
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The system memory modules and the access panel <I>only</I> have to be removed if the modules specifically are being replaced or if the system mainboard is getting replaced.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
<A HREF="https://thinkpads.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=43&t=113310">RealBlackStuff says</A>
|
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the X200 Tablet is compatible with <CODE>DDR3-1066 (PC3-8500)</CODE> and <CODE>DDR3-1333 (PC3-10600)</CODE>.
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It's possible to have 8GB memory installed.
|
||
<A HREF="https://www.ebay.com/usr/laptopused">eBay seller laptopused</A> correlates that <CODE>DDR3-1333</CODE> dual-rank memory should work.
|
||
Apparently for technical reasons the X200 Tablet must take 2Rx8 memory; two ranks of eight chips, and for 8GB memory, 256MB per chip (divide 8192MB by 2 modules * 2 ranks * 8 chips).
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
OEM-configured laptops can have <CODE>DDR3-1066</CODE> memory from Elpida or Samsung.
|
||
<A HREF="https://www.laptopmag.com/reviews/laptops/lenovo-thinkpad-x200-tablet">Laptop Mag says</A> the laptop came with 2GB RAM by default and is upgradeable to 4GB but most laptops for sale secondhand have 4GB memory installed.
|
||
Types 7449-43U and 7450-EYU came with 2x2GB <CODE>DDR3-1066 SO-DIMM (PC3-8500)</CODE>.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
I got in touch with eBay seller <A HREF="https://ebay.com/seller?sid=woosterpsu">woosterpsu</A> who was auctioning off an X200 Tablet to benefit the Electronic Frontier Foundation with 8GB RAM installed and reported in the BIOS.
|
||
The seller sent me an image of the installed memory: a Hynix 4GB 2Rx8 PC3-10600S and a Dell P/N SNPX830DC/4G, both scavenged from other laptops.
|
||
These are <I>confirmed working</I> in a Core2 Duo L9400 X200 Tablet.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<H2 ID="screws">Screws</H2>
|
||
<P>
|
||
Per the hardware maintenance manual (page 225), the following screws are necessary for full assembly of the X200 Tablet:
|
||
</P>
|
||
<TABLE>
|
||
<TR><TH>Quantity</TH> <TH>Head</TH> <TH>Length</TH> <TH>Style</TH> <TH>Color</TH> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M1.6</TD> <TD>6mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>2.5mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>11</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3mm</TD> <TD>Flat head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>18</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3.5mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3.5mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>3</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>6mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>13</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>6mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3mm</TD> <TD>Stud (height=4.2mm)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3mm</TD> <TD>Stud (height=5.5mm)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>6</TD> <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>6mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>9</TD> <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>8mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M3</TD> <TD>3mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head (HDD screw)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
|
||
</TABLE>
|
||
<P>
|
||
Additionally listed are 9 circular screw caps and 6 square screw caps.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
Two screw kits are listed with part numbers <CODE>45N3139</CODE> and <CODE>60Y4164</CODE>.
|
||
The difference is that <CODE>45N3139</CODE> has one more M2x3.5mm silver wafer head screw listed (18 versus 17).
|
||
<CODE>45N3139</CODE>'s contents in particular are reflected in the table above.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>On page 79 of the hardware maintenance manual some very rarely-noted screw notices are listed that are worth repeating, though it's up to the maintainer to follow the practices they so choose:</P>
|
||
<UL>
|
||
<LI>Always use new screws. (This is repeated earlier in the page; according to the manual, ThinkPad Notebooks have "special nylon-coated screws" that should be used only once.)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Use a torque screwdriver if you have one.</LI>
|
||
<LI>When tightening plastic against plastic, turn an additional 90 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
|
||
<LI>When tightening logic cards against plastic, turn an additional 180 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
|
||
<LI>If you have a torque driver, refer to the "Torque" column for each step.</LI>
|
||
<LI>
|
||
Make sure that you use the correct screw.
|
||
If you have a torque screwdriver, tighten all screws firmly to the torque shown in the table.
|
||
<B>Never use a screw that you removed. Use a new one. Make sure that all of the screws are tightened firmly.</B>
|
||
</LI>
|
||
</UL>
|
||
<H2 ID="software">Software</H2>
|
||
<P>
|
||
For some procedures in the hardware maintenance manual a ThinkPad Hardware Maintenance Diskette is needed.
|
||
This was available only to licensed dealers.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
Here's a chart of executable names relevant to the X200 Tablet as provided from Lenovo and their product names.
|
||
A lot of this is sourced from hearsay and olden lore so it may not be fully accurate, and definitely isn't complete.
|
||
Also, I trimmed down redundant sections of product names - for example, <CODE>7wuj45uc.iso</CODE> is actually <I>BIOS Update Bootable CD <B>for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP - ThinkPad</B></I> but if it's bootable itself operating system compatibility likely doesn't matter.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<TABLE>
|
||
<TR><TH>Executable</TH> <TH>Product name</TH> <TH>Version</TH> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>6itr02ww.zip</TD> <TD>BIOS Settings Capture/Playback Utility</TD> <TD>4.01</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>7wuj45uc.iso</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Bootable CD</TD> <TD>3.21</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>7wuj45u6.exe</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Utility for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>3.21</TD></TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>6ea118ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Driver for Windows Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>4.92.15.0 / 3.64.15.0</TD></TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>6ea160ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Software for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit)</TD> <TD>4.92.12.0</TD></TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>maint150.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.50</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>maint160.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.60</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>maint169.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.69</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>i7tm23us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.75</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>i7tm25us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.77</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>i7tm37us.exe</TD> <TD>Unknown</TD> <TD>Unknown</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>i7tm38us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.89</TD> </TR>
|
||
<TR><TD>83ts04ww.exe</TD> <TD>ThinkPad BIOS Settings for Windows 7 (32-bit), Vista (32-bit), XP, 2000</TD> <TD>3.03</TD></TR>
|
||
</TABLE>
|
||
<P>
|
||
Lenovo's X200 Tablet downloads won't last forever.
|
||
Here's a JavaScript that allows a user to download arbitrary executables from Lenovo's download servers.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<INPUT ID="executable" VALUE="i7tm38us.exe" />
|
||
<INPUT ONCLICK="window.location.href = 'http://download.lenovo.com/ibmdl/pub/pc/pccbbs/mobiles/' + document.getElementById('executable').value;" TYPE="button" VALUE="Download" />
|
||
<P>The following operating systems were available pre-installed by the OEM, depending on the variant:</P>
|
||
<UL>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows XP Tablet (32 bit)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (32 bit)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (64 bit)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate (32 bit</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Basic (32 bit)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (64 bit)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (32 bit)</LI>
|
||
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (64 bit)</LI>
|
||
</UL>
|
||
<P>9front system usage is described in the <A HREF="http://fqa.9front.org/fqa3.html#3.2.5.2.1">9front FQA, section 3.2.5.2.1</A>.</P>
|
||
<P>Linux system usage is described in detail on the <A HREF="#seealso">Arch GNU+Linux wiki</A> - any Linux or UNIX specific knowledge I have I add to the Arch wiki rather than putting on this page.</P>
|
||
<H2 ID="stylus">Stylus</H2>
|
||
<P>
|
||
The X200 Tablet originally came with a single-button stylus with a gray "eraser".
|
||
I found some single-button stylus from eBay, with a red "eraser", and that worked too.
|
||
I have a two-button stylus that came with another X200 Tablet but it's as of yet untested.
|
||
The Fujitsu T-5000 digitizer pen does work, identically according to <CODE>xev(1)</CODE>.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
<B>Do not</B> try to insert two-button Thinkpad styluses into the stylus holder of the X200 Tablet as they'll become stuck in there because of how the buttons are shaped.
|
||
To remove a stuck stylus the digitizer pen case (part number <CODE>45N3146</CODE>) must be unscrewed and removed from the chassis.
|
||
Following the hardware maintenance manual, remove FRUs "1020 Battery pack" and "1060 Keyboard" and follow steps 6 and 7 of the removal process of FRU "1180 DC-in connector, fan, digitizer pen case, and pen switch assembly".
|
||
No other FRUs need to be removed, nor do any other steps of the removal process of FRU 1180 need to be followed.
|
||
</P>
|
||
|
||
|
||
/hacker-howto/index.html
|
||
$!TITLE How to Become A Hacker
|
||
|
||
<H2>How to Become A Hacker</H2>
|
||
<H3>Deven Trinity Blake</H3>
|
||
<P><CODE><<A HREF="mailto:trinity@trinity.moe">trinity@trinity.moe</A>></CODE></P>
|
||
<P>No Copyright 🄯 2021 Deven T. Blake</P>
|
||
<HR />
|
||
|
||
<H2>Why This Document?</H2>
|
||
<P>
|
||
A lot of hackers consider Eric S. Raymond's original <A HREF="http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/hacker-howto.html"><I>How to Become A Hacker</I></A> to be definitive, for good reason.
|
||
It explains the "hacker philosophy", some key things at which one should be good, and is a good compass that points to What to Learn Next.
|
||
I myself stumbled upon the document maybe a decade or so ago, when I was a small impressionable child, and know half of what I do because of where it pointed me.
|
||
I think, however, that <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> is a bit dated, so I'm writing this to be a nice complementary piece for those to read <B>after they read esr's original</B>.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
If you are reading a snapshot of this document offline, the current version lives at <A HREF="http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto">http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto</A>.
|
||
</P>
|
||
|
||
<H2>Basic Hacking Skills</H2>
|
||
<H3>1. Learn how to program</H3>
|
||
<P>
|
||
Python is an okay first language as long as you don't take it too seriously.
|
||
As said by smarter people than me, Python is a glue language.
|
||
It's slow and a bit basic, but its errors are often easy to solve, so do as much as you can with Python and Python libraries, and do the rest in faster languages.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
Never touch Java.
|
||
Not even once.
|
||
While at one point it was promising, it's become a monstrous beast and it must be slain through attrition.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
When you are good at programming you will think <I>outside</I> of programming languages.
|
||
Programming languages are tools for a job.
|
||
Some are better suited to some tasks than others.
|
||
For example, I would use C as a language for building utilities for myself, as I want them to be blisteringly fast and I know that's easier to do in C than Python.
|
||
I've written utilities in Python to know how I want them to behave, and then perfected them by rewriting them in C.
|
||
This being said, when learning a language for the first time, <I>master</I> it, <I>then</I> move on.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<H3>2. Get one of the open-source Unixes and learn to use and run it.</H3>
|
||
<P>
|
||
<B>Don't</B> try to program on Microsoft Windows.
|
||
Seriously.
|
||
This is the one mistake almost all beginners make; they'll install fifty different tools onto their MS Windows system in order to make a simple program that doesn't really work because their tutorial only works for UNIX.
|
||
Just install a Free UNIX-clone ("clone" in this context is not a bad thing; most Free UNIX-clones are much more practical in this world than the original) and learn how to work in it.
|
||
In fact, you may want to learn <I>shell</I> before anything else.
|
||
When you know how to
|
||
<OL>
|
||
<LI>Make a directory,</LI>
|
||
<LI>Make an empty file within that directory,</LI>
|
||
<LI>Overwrite the file with exactly 500B of random data,</LI>
|
||
<LI>Mark the file as executable,</LI>
|
||
<LI>Print the file to the terminal as readable, hexadecimal data,</LI>
|
||
<LI>And remove the directory and the file,</LI>
|
||
</OL>
|
||
you will know enough to start on your journey into hacking.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
BSDs are awesome and I use a BSD myself, but perhaps start with Linux as there's a much bigger community to help you there.
|
||
There are no longer any good non-UNIX operating systems.
|
||
The importance of choosing a Free operating system cannot be understated.
|
||
It's hard to learn from your OS's code when your OS's code is only readable by those within the corporation that made the OS.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<P>
|
||
Don't use Ubuntu as it suffers from many of the flaws that drive non-hacker Windows users to Linux-based systems.
|
||
Instead, try Linux Mint, which is based on Ubuntu but without the more annoying issues.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<H3>3. Learn how to use the World Wide Web and write HTML.</H3>
|
||
<P>
|
||
View the source code of the original <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> and then read the source code to this webpage.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<H3>4. If you don't have functional English, learn it.</H3>
|
||
<P>
|
||
It's unfortunate that English has become the lingua franca of the Internet.
|
||
But it's true, it has, and it's more or less required learning if you want to become a hacker.
|
||
</P>
|
||
<H3>5. Learn to use a search engine.</H3>
|
||
<P>
|
||
This is my own tip.
|
||
<B>This is the most important thing on this page</B>.
|
||
How to accomplish this is an exercise left to the reader.
|
||
</P>
|
||
|
||
|
||
/style.css verbatim
|
||
|
||
@font-face {
|
||
font-family: "unscii16";
|
||
src: url("unscii-16.ttf") format("ttf"),
|
||
url("unscii-16.woff") format("woff");
|
||
}
|
||
|
||
a { color: #fff; }
|
||
|
||
body { /* copied from a textfile site because idk css */
|
||
background: #000;
|
||
color: #ffdbdb;
|
||
display: grid;
|
||
grid-template-rows: auto 1fr auto;
|
||
margin: 0 auto 0 auto;
|
||
text-align: left;
|
||
width: 80ch;
|
||
}
|
||
|
||
.txt {
|
||
font-family: "unscii16", monospace;
|
||
font-smooth: never;
|
||
-webkit-font-smoothing: none;
|
||
-moz-osx-font-smoothing: grayscale;
|
||
}
|
||
|
||
pre { /* DRY who? */
|
||
font-family: "unscii16", monospace;
|
||
font-smooth: never;
|
||
-webkit-font-smoothing: none;
|
||
-moz-osx-font-smoothing: grayscale;
|
||
}
|
||
|
||
@media (prefers-color-scheme: light) {
|
||
a { color: #000 !important; }
|
||
body { background: #eee !important;
|
||
color: #333 !important; }
|
||
}
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-02-06.html
|
||
|
||
Read Herogasm (2010).
|
||
Read Highland Laddie (2011).
|
||
|
||
psychosecurity - relating to organizational or personal security against
|
||
psychic tampering (mind control & hypnosis, cognitoviruses
|
||
& memetics, ethereal processes, et cetera)
|
||
|
||
I want to proteinmax and get lots of muscle so I taste really good when I'm
|
||
killed and eaten. I'm at 7.5lbs on biceps curls but I think I might be close to
|
||
being able to move up to 10, though I think my form is wrong. I want a gym
|
||
membership.
|
||
|
||
Typing on the HHKB is still pure sex all these moons later.
|
||
|
||
I can't think of much to say, my life is a bit mundane lately.
|
||
|
||
Watching someone text and drive at the same time.
|
||
|
||
I got a sweater so now I can dress like Andy from The Coffin of Andy and
|
||
Leyley. Now I just need my hair dyed black. I swore that would be one of the
|
||
first things I'd do upon arriving to this new land but money ain't for nothing
|
||
and the chicks sure as hell ain't free.
|
||
|
||
serotonin softly stole
|
||
by postage acid-dipped and sold
|
||
lab made a buck
|
||
are your eyes wide enough
|
||
that you can see life unfold?
|
||
|
||
I think ESP is going to be an actual security issue within the next hundred
|
||
years but I wouldn't bet on it. I do think fringe ether stuff like that is
|
||
possible.
|
||
|
||
1346
|
||
|
||
"Wow, you're really tense."
|
||
|
||
Read Butcher, Baker, Candlestickmaker (2011).
|
||
Read Hanging Not Punishment Enough (1701).
|
||
Read The GNU Manifesto (2008).
|
||
Read Evil Maid Just Got Angrier (2013).
|
||
Read PRINCE - Modern Password Guessing Algorithm (2014).
|
||
Read Measuring Real-World Innacuracies and Biases in Modeling Password
|
||
Guessability (2015).
|
||
|
||
Yeah I'm really fucking tense. I thought I heard something getting out of the
|
||
shower so I drew my (3 inch - pathetic) knife and cleared the corridor kitchen
|
||
and living room just like old times. Nothing of course. C'est ne rien.
|
||
|
||
I want so bad to fucking kill someone. Anyone. I miss the feeling of quickening
|
||
pulse beating against my palms and then its slowing and cessation. I come from
|
||
a land where gazelles grazed freely in the pairie, unaware their world could
|
||
end.
|
||
|
||
My memories of my former land blur together into one montage of death and life
|
||
and love and hell. I remember beating the shit out of- that's not believeable,
|
||
I don't believe it. I remember hotboxing my manager's car, habitually. Smoking
|
||
everyone else's weed. Being owed a thousand dollars by someone who tried to
|
||
strand me in Manhattan. Getting a PS2, giving it to people I thought I liked,
|
||
realizing. Getting a Gamecube, loving it, realizing I didn't have anyone with
|
||
which to play it, selling it for much less than for which I bought it. Getting
|
||
a Wii when I was very young, treasuring it, letting it collect dust as I moved
|
||
on to handheld pastures, finding it again, using ponyhax to homebrew it,
|
||
treasuring it, sending it along to someone I still think is cool.
|
||
|
||
I dislike most people I used to know, especially in hindsight. I can't believe
|
||
the things I did, nor can anyone else. I tried my damndest to not get any scars
|
||
because when I was done what I was doing I wanted to be Done - not marked by my
|
||
past. I wore a big, heavy jacket, and big, heavy pants, and big, heavy boots,
|
||
and they all got beat to shit really quickly but kept me alright in them. All I
|
||
have now are marks from old roadrash and a couple dozen burns on my arms from
|
||
work and play. And how did you get in so much trouble if you don't have any
|
||
scars...
|
||
|
||
Cryptanalysts have the upper hand.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-02-04.html
|
||
|
||
Read The Boys Omnibus 1 (2009).
|
||
Read The Boys Omnibus 2 (2010).
|
||
|
||
I'm counting each of these as a book because they were like 500-600 pages each.
|
||
6/100.
|
||
|
||
2024-02-02
|
||
|
||
there's something gross about my liver
|
||
think my brain's gonna decay
|
||
I'm twitching, can't steady my fingers
|
||
organs filled; contaminate
|
||
|
||
I need a drink, oh god I'm dying
|
||
I'm fucking dying of this thirst
|
||
I think withdrawal's gonna kill me
|
||
that is, if I don't kill me first
|
||
|
||
I need to sanitize my kidneys
|
||
need to sterilize my flesh
|
||
give me something I can swallow
|
||
as the draught runs to my chest
|
||
|
||
I know it's what you wanted
|
||
saw you building up a set
|
||
of surgical supplies so you can
|
||
dissect me once I'm dead
|
||
|
||
you know when someone leaves a party
|
||
you can talk about them without fear
|
||
I never really gave a shit
|
||
I'll talk shit when they're here
|
||
|
||
is that how you will mourn me
|
||
when my picture sits on my box
|
||
after all the pain that I've made
|
||
will my stone say mother fuck
|
||
|
||
her all she ever did was drink and
|
||
bet and fuck and smoke and hurt
|
||
all she ever did was lie around
|
||
waiting for someone to save her
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-02-02.html
|
||
|
||
Broke up with my girlfriend. Single. Next question.
|
||
|
||
Read Recursive Programming (1960).
|
||
Read A Speech to IBM Field Engineering Branch Managers (1967).
|
||
Read Go To Statement Considered Harmful (1968).
|
||
Read MIT Guide to Lock Picking (1991).
|
||
Read The Code Book (1999).
|
||
Read Drive (2005) yesterday.
|
||
|
||
I'm gonna count the MIT Guide, the Code Book, and Drive as books, bringing my
|
||
year's total read books up to 4/100. Pretty sure I'm not gonna make it to 100.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-01-21.html
|
||
|
||
: hungover diaries
|
||
|
||
0734 wake up go back to sleep
|
||
0800 alarm. ding. text girlfriend. sleep.
|
||
0805 alarm. ding
|
||
0810 alarm. i'm up i read articles about the spanish (i think) football
|
||
president or whatever forcibly kissing a player and getting booted from
|
||
football itself (they can do that?). it was hyperlinked from a
|
||
web3isgoinggreat site or whatever. neato.
|
||
0830 regretting things i messaged people last night but also some of what i
|
||
messaged was really sweet. hemingway was right
|
||
0840 kettle on stove water in pot heat in burner
|
||
0845 pouring green tea. before this also i unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher
|
||
because we forgot to do it last night (can you guess why)
|
||
0850 timer's up, add milk (oat), consider adding vodka, no trin that's why that
|
||
fucker from maine still owes you $80
|
||
0900 check bus time tables, sit down, play some angry birds on the 3ds. why was
|
||
angry birds on the 3ds? we were watching jacksfilms and one of the skits
|
||
had angry birds in it
|
||
0910 start writing
|
||
|
||
I am not extremely hungover because I drank a shit ton of water last night,
|
||
probably 2-3 liters. I also never really blacked out or did things that were
|
||
against my inhibitions. But I also didn't drink a whole lot anyway.
|
||
|
||
While drinking last night I was overcome with waves of joy so intense I
|
||
collapsed and couldn't help myself laughing and rolling on the ground, feeling
|
||
the vinyl floor underneath my back.
|
||
|
||
I've finished my tea and it was really good so I'm making another one. I put
|
||
four tea bags in my pocket so I could make green tea at work too.
|
||
|
||
really the lilies on the ocean floor
|
||
would drown in the salt of the churning sea shore
|
||
the tide would come swallow the petals in foam
|
||
and draw lily petals away from their loam
|
||
|
||
if i had a mill'on and ni-ne-ty two
|
||
dollars i'd hide them in calcified tombs
|
||
wooden and brass chests buried on the beach
|
||
so i could suffocate my slow-rottin peach
|
||
|
||
and all of the lillies in under the sea
|
||
and all of the flowers drowning in the deep
|
||
and all of the orchids awash in the waves
|
||
and all of the fruits of the labors of slaves
|
||
|
||
and all of the gold buried in the ocean
|
||
and all of the riches hoarded from their friends
|
||
and all of the rockets that reach for the stars
|
||
and terraformed rocks glowing red from afar
|
||
|
||
the rich and the few terrorize many who
|
||
would rather send riches so far from the view
|
||
of innocent bunches collected for quite
|
||
an innocent task, helping others get by
|
||
|
||
for where there's no gold there's no greed any all
|
||
for where there's no wine there's no fight any all
|
||
for where there's no load there's no weight any all
|
||
for where there's no pain there's no death any all
|
||
|
||
really the beauty that lounges in calm
|
||
dissappears when there is conflict in the song
|
||
really the beauty that i've tried to save
|
||
rots in its darkness until it's too late
|
||
|
||
if i had a million and ninety two
|
||
dollars i'd find and kill those bastards who
|
||
have more money than i and keep it on lock
|
||
then i'd burn it and then i'd bury myself
|
||
|
||
in oil and then i'd fly myself away
|
||
to a hot red rock in the middle of space
|
||
just to ensure that the ashes themselves
|
||
are kept from those who would remake my lived hell
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-01-20.html
|
||
|
||
: why mm(1)
|
||
|
||
I started working on mm(1) probably around 2020-2021, when I was first
|
||
acquainting myself with the inner workings of UNIX-like operating systems which
|
||
I had been using for a couple years by then. I can't remember how I noticed it
|
||
but it bothered me that there was this cat(1p) utility which took multiple
|
||
input files and streamed them successively to standard output:
|
||
|
||
[ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
|
||
|_______ | _______|
|
||
_|_|_|_
|
||
| |
|
||
|cat(1p)|
|
||
|_______|
|
||
|
|
||
V
|
||
standard output
|
||
|
||
And then this tee(1p) utility which took from standard input and streamed its
|
||
bytes to multiple outputs:
|
||
|
||
standard input
|
||
V
|
||
___|___
|
||
| |
|
||
|tee(1p)|
|
||
|_______|
|
||
______| | |__________
|
||
| | |
|
||
[ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...
|
||
|
||
And they were separate utilities despite both doing the job of writing input(s)
|
||
to output(s). I imagined a hypothetical utility mm(1) that does it all:
|
||
|
||
[ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
|
||
|_______ | _______|
|
||
_|_|_|_
|
||
| |
|
||
| mm(1) |
|
||
|_______|
|
||
______| | |__________
|
||
| | |
|
||
[ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...
|
||
|
||
And attempted to write this magical "mm" (as in, "middleman") utility that
|
||
would act as a "middleman" for streams before giving up (due to lack of C or
|
||
POSIX API experience) for a couple years to practice making easier programs in
|
||
UNIX environments.
|
||
|
||
There are a couple reasons to implement cat(1p) and tee(1p) as separate
|
||
utilities:
|
||
|
||
1) Ease of implementation
|
||
|
||
Differentiating input arguments from output arguments would require
|
||
either having a separator mark (which would be ineligant and exclude
|
||
that mark from being a useable file name) or option parsing.
|
||
|
||
Imagine a separator mark in the context of a hypothetical utility
|
||
insouts(1):
|
||
|
||
$ PS1='\n$ '
|
||
|
||
$ insouts -h
|
||
Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)
|
||
|
||
$ printf %s\\n hello\ world
|
||
hello world
|
||
|
||
$ printf %s\\n hello\ world >in1
|
||
|
||
$ insouts <in1
|
||
hello world
|
||
|
||
$ insouts in1 ][ out1
|
||
|
||
$ insouts <out1
|
||
hello world
|
||
|
||
$ insouts <in1 >][
|
||
|
||
$ insouts ][ ][ /dev/stdout
|
||
Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)
|
||
|
||
$ insouts ./][ ][ /dev/stdout
|
||
hello world
|
||
|
||
What a mess! The file ][ can no longer easily be used with insouts(1),
|
||
which may be acceptable (it's not a sensible file name anyway), but
|
||
it's sacrificed for horrendously ugly syntax featuring stressfully
|
||
unmatched square brackets.
|
||
|
||
I've written programs that have used separator marks for arguments,
|
||
namely pscat(1), psrelay(1), and psroute(1) so far, and there are a
|
||
number of additional caveats that come with their particular flavor of
|
||
marker and I've been hesitant about the syntax since I came up with it
|
||
half a year ago. Best not to make more things about which to fret.
|
||
|
||
Now imagine option parsing:
|
||
|
||
$ PS1='\n$ '
|
||
|
||
$ insouts
|
||
Usage: insouts (-i [input])... (-o [output])...
|
||
|
||
$ insouts -i in1
|
||
hello world
|
||
|
||
$ insouts -i in1 -i ][ -i out1
|
||
hello world
|
||
hello world
|
||
hello world
|
||
|
||
This works for everything and is how mm(1) works. The issue is with
|
||
regards to code itself. Imagine a very basic cat(1) implementation in
|
||
C:
|
||
|
||
#include <stdio.h>
|
||
int main(int argc, char *argv[]){
|
||
int c;
|
||
FILE *f;
|
||
int i;
|
||
|
||
for(i = 1; i < argc; ++i){
|
||
if((f = fopen(argv[i])) == NULL){
|
||
perror(argv[i]);
|
||
return 1;
|
||
}
|
||
while((c = getc(f)) != EOF)
|
||
putchar(c);
|
||
fclose(f);
|
||
}
|
||
}
|
||
|
||
This doesn't conform to POSIX (which requires 'cat -u' to be supported)
|
||
but illustrates the ease of using cat(1)'s arguments: For each
|
||
argument, open it as a file, write it out, close it, and that's it.
|
||
|
||
mm(1)'s option parsing for '-i' and '-o' alone, as of writing, are 24
|
||
lines alone, excluding the functions they call. The above program is 16
|
||
lines of code. This weight does also come from supporting "-" as a
|
||
euphemism for /dev/stdin or /dev/stdout depending on whether it was
|
||
used for '-i' or '-o' and trying to create an output file if it doesn't
|
||
exist and without these two features that are unsupported by the above
|
||
program the code for '-i' and '-o' would be considerably lighter, but
|
||
the point is that option parsing adds complexity that can be avoided by
|
||
simply having two utilities.
|
||
|
||
Furthermore, options have drawbacks for users.
|
||
|
||
2) Ease of use
|
||
|
||
One relatively common use of cat(1p) is to catenate all files matching
|
||
a glob pattern. Imagine:
|
||
|
||
$ PS1='\n$ '
|
||
|
||
$ ls
|
||
in1
|
||
in2
|
||
in3
|
||
|
||
$ cat <in1
|
||
hello
|
||
|
||
$ cat <in2
|
||
world
|
||
|
||
$ cat <in3
|
||
!!!
|
||
|
||
$ cat in*
|
||
hello
|
||
world
|
||
!!!
|
||
|
||
This use becomes much more tedious with argument parsing:
|
||
|
||
$ for f in in*; do mm -i "$f"; done
|
||
hello
|
||
world
|
||
!!!
|
||
|
||
And is difficult when it comes to multiple outputs rather than inputs,
|
||
like tee(1p):
|
||
|
||
$ ls
|
||
in1
|
||
in2
|
||
in3
|
||
|
||
$ touch out1 out2 out3
|
||
|
||
$ ls
|
||
in1
|
||
in2
|
||
in3
|
||
out1
|
||
out2
|
||
out3
|
||
|
||
$ cat in* | tee out*
|
||
|
||
$ cat <out2
|
||
hello
|
||
world
|
||
!!!
|
||
|
||
$ for f in out*; do for g in in*; do mm -i "$g"; done >"$f"; done
|
||
|
||
$ mm <out2
|
||
hello
|
||
world
|
||
!!!
|
||
|
||
3) Separation of concepts
|
||
|
||
cat(1p) accepts inputs. tee(1p) accepts outputs. It's possible to pipe
|
||
cat(1p) to tee(1p) to glean the benefits of multiple inputs and
|
||
multiple outputs without mm(1).
|
||
|
||
So why on earth should cat(1p) and tee(1p) be supported by the same utility?
|
||
|
||
Both cat(1p) and tee(1p) according to POSIX must support options, necessitating
|
||
the use of getopt(3p) from <unistd.h>. While '-i' and '-o' are 24 lines in
|
||
total, the rest of the options logic is necessary for cat(1p) and tee(1p) and
|
||
is unavoidable and outweighs the '-i' and '-o' options, plus much of the '-i'
|
||
and '-o' logic is still necessary in both cat(1p) and tee(1p) (supporting "-"
|
||
and, in tee(1p)'s case, creating an output if it doesn't exist). Though there
|
||
is additional memory juggling due to supporting arbitrary inputs and outputs,
|
||
in most uses actual memory use isn't noticeably affected (10 extra bytes for 5
|
||
file arguments, or one tenth of the data used by this parenthetical statement).
|
||
|
||
It is possible to write implementations of cat(1p) and tee(1p) in POSIX shell
|
||
script as wrappers on mm(1) and I have done so, so users who want to use globs
|
||
can simply call cat or tee as usual.
|
||
|
||
mm -i input -o output tends to be intuitive for existing shell users once they
|
||
learn the name "middleman".
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-01-17.html
|
||
|
||
Read American Psycho (1991). I need a cigarette really, really bad.
|
||
|
||
I can't afford to renew my SourceHut account right now so these blog posts are
|
||
going up on my wobsite in A Bit, whenever I get around to manually building
|
||
them. I might set up a build server on feeling.murderu.us for small jobs but I
|
||
don't know. I also want to set up a proper VPS for trinity.moe but $60/year
|
||
(for Capsul) is a hell of a lot more than $20/year for SourceHut.
|
||
|
||
It feels weird to have long fingernails.
|
||
|
||
The Japanese Zen monk tradition according to No Recipe (2018) which someone
|
||
with which I'm staying is reading is to not have animals killed specifically
|
||
for you but always eat what you are served. I interpret this as well-spirited
|
||
and not a rule to dance around, having others act as go-betweens, because that
|
||
would suck. I sort of like this and have been rethinking veganism because it is
|
||
really inconvenient to have to restrict others' treatment of me; that is, I
|
||
can't eat meat that was prepared for me by people who don't know I'm vegan.
|
||
Most people don't have a good conception of what is and isn't vegan and will
|
||
serve me things that aren't vegan unknowingly.
|
||
|
||
I wish everyone was vegan but I don't wish to impose my will on others.
|
||
|
||
I feel shame at the notion that I have eaten something that died, except when
|
||
it comes to humans, at which notion I instead feel powerful, because I'm fucked
|
||
in the head.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-01-12.html
|
||
|
||
Read Finding the Still Point (2007).
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-01-03.html
|
||
|
||
states to which i've been
|
||
- Maine
|
||
- New Hampshire
|
||
- Massachusetts
|
||
- Vermont
|
||
- Rhode Island
|
||
- Connecticut
|
||
- New York
|
||
- New Jersey
|
||
- Delaware
|
||
- Maryland
|
||
- Virginia
|
||
- North Carolina
|
||
- South Carolina
|
||
- Georgia
|
||
- Florida
|
||
- Pennysylvania
|
||
- Ohio
|
||
- Indiana
|
||
- Illinois
|
||
- Missouri
|
||
- Kansas
|
||
- Colorado
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2024-01-01.html
|
||
|
||
This year my goal is to read 100 books. I'm digging into the 1980 book Coded
|
||
Character Sets, History and Development first, a 535 page tome that is luckily
|
||
mostly figures and diagrams. I'm 72 pages into it and it's written not too
|
||
dryly which is good because the subject matter is boring as shit (the
|
||
ratification of ASCII). Not actually very boring, something that is relevant to
|
||
work being done on Bonsai, but still just a slog. I consider it required
|
||
reading, though. I think after this I'm gonna read some comics though counting
|
||
books will be tricky (per issue? per volume? per arc? per compendium?).
|
||
|
||
I read No Longer Human (1948) after having already read the Ito adaptation
|
||
which was in comparison total dogshit. Read the original only.
|
||
|
||
I'm applying to another, different fast food joint, for the referral bonus. I
|
||
love money.
|
||
|
||
I'm tracking my cash flow in/out. Let's see how long that lasts.
|
||
|
||
I stopped biting my nails. That Will last because I've always hated that I do.
|
||
|
||
I haven't had any Monsters since 2023-12-22.
|
||
|
||
Hopefully I can keep all of this going. But if I keep just one it'll be good
|
||
enough for me.
|
||
|
||
2022-05-18
|
||
|
||
: /etc/motd
|
||
|
||
Welcome to Trinity's Thinkpad X200T.
|
||
|
||
Unauthorized access is a violation of
|
||
United States federal law according to
|
||
the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, 18
|
||
USC Section 1030.
|
||
|
||
Mess with the best, die like the rest.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-31.html
|
||
|
||
I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting
|
||
but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.
|
||
|
||
Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm
|
||
running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway
|
||
working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna
|
||
have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little
|
||
more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is
|
||
Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on
|
||
arm64.
|
||
|
||
This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really
|
||
pretty good. I've been less down lately too.
|
||
|
||
I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just
|
||
don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from
|
||
home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a
|
||
grocery store. Hm.
|
||
|
||
I'm really optimistic for the future.
|
||
|
||
Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely
|
||
remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.
|
||
|
||
: the story so far (2023)
|
||
|
||
Season 2: maladjustment
|
||
January
|
||
Episode 01: "breaking bad"
|
||
Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking
|
||
for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted
|
||
by one of its friends.
|
||
February
|
||
Episode 02: "speak"
|
||
The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes
|
||
Trinity to start making people bark for it.
|
||
Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"
|
||
Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking
|
||
for an apartment.
|
||
Episode 04: "of an age"
|
||
Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing
|
||
with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.
|
||
Episode 05: "mary jane"
|
||
Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the
|
||
consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed
|
||
habitually.
|
||
March
|
||
Episode 06: "phone baseball"
|
||
Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity
|
||
goes vegan and starts writing a book.
|
||
April
|
||
Episode 07: "isolation"
|
||
Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help
|
||
pay the rent.
|
||
Episode 08: "trigger discipline"
|
||
Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.
|
||
Episode 09: "the void stares back"
|
||
M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts
|
||
smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.
|
||
May
|
||
Episode 10: "tablet baseball"
|
||
M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's
|
||
propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts
|
||
sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.
|
||
June
|
||
Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"
|
||
Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her
|
||
computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.
|
||
Episode 12: "fuck teeth"
|
||
The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its
|
||
wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible
|
||
pain. M-- goes on a date.
|
||
Episode 13: "a hunger artist"
|
||
Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth
|
||
surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of
|
||
theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.
|
||
Episode 15: "make it double"
|
||
M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity
|
||
goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and
|
||
realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go
|
||
missing.
|
||
Episode 16: "portland"
|
||
M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of
|
||
M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a
|
||
skateboard.
|
||
Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"
|
||
M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,
|
||
stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets
|
||
a scooter.
|
||
July
|
||
Episode 18: "seven"
|
||
Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine
|
||
before having an epiphany at work and walking out.
|
||
Episode 19: "deadly"
|
||
Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in
|
||
the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries
|
||
to leave [...]'s.
|
||
Episode 20: "sins"
|
||
Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys
|
||
Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new
|
||
person and has apprehensions about its work.
|
||
August
|
||
Episode 21: "sean and josh"
|
||
Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving
|
||
away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about
|
||
their division of labor.
|
||
Episode 22: "one last time"
|
||
Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back
|
||
to Lewiston.
|
||
Episode 23: "the bus out"
|
||
Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on
|
||
Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.
|
||
Episode 24: "the best week ever"
|
||
Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.
|
||
Episode 25: "stranded"
|
||
Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.
|
||
September
|
||
Episode 26: "fast forward"
|
||
Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.
|
||
It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.
|
||
Episode 27: "reunited"
|
||
Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but
|
||
gets hired on different terms.
|
||
Episode 28: "decay"
|
||
Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic
|
||
spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.
|
||
Episode 29: "the first time the third time"
|
||
Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and
|
||
[...] get evicted.
|
||
Episode 30: "negotiations"
|
||
[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A
|
||
familiar coworker joins her new workplace.
|
||
Episode 31: "toni"
|
||
Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.
|
||
Episode 32: "riverbanks"
|
||
Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a
|
||
guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high
|
||
school crush.
|
||
Episode 33: "no helmet"
|
||
Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni
|
||
leaks in the rain.
|
||
October
|
||
Episode 34: "the postal service"
|
||
Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the
|
||
move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's
|
||
calls.
|
||
Episode 35: "live fast, die young"
|
||
Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on
|
||
the highway.
|
||
Episode 36: "ramona flowers"
|
||
[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at
|
||
Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.
|
||
Episode 37: "the great escape"
|
||
Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to
|
||
[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.
|
||
Episode 38: "transit"
|
||
After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,
|
||
Illinois.
|
||
Episode 39: "carnality"
|
||
Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.
|
||
Episode 40: "springs before winter"
|
||
Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a
|
||
library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending
|
||
Sangha.
|
||
November
|
||
Episode 41: "number four"
|
||
Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a
|
||
similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.
|
||
Episode 42: "safe and sound"
|
||
Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.
|
||
Episode 43: "in this economy"
|
||
Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet
|
||
a presenter after a talk at the library.
|
||
December
|
||
Episode 44: "what goes around"
|
||
Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job
|
||
and in a new place, starts to get antsy.
|
||
Episode 45: "comes back around"
|
||
Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes
|
||
it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork
|
||
in order, and sprains its foot
|
||
|
||
: the monster logs
|
||
|
||
2023-12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so
|
||
use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters
|
||
and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.
|
||
I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?
|
||
Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not
|
||
big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his
|
||
time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,
|
||
because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I
|
||
can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later
|
||
to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus
|
||
is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been
|
||
brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's
|
||
unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned
|
||
poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front
|
||
windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks
|
||
I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a
|
||
little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich
|
||
and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough
|
||
last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight
|
||
and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night
|
||
crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food
|
||
safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated
|
||
on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not
|
||
particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which
|
||
I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways
|
||
lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste
|
||
the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing
|
||
I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at
|
||
work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here
|
||
knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no
|
||
apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It
|
||
tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus
|
||
to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor
|
||
description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,
|
||
pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,
|
||
another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty
|
||
onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I
|
||
have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?
|
||
There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their
|
||
usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't
|
||
eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking
|
||
hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy
|
||
mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket
|
||
teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked
|
||
in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes
|
||
it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their
|
||
hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.
|
||
The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm
|
||
accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing
|
||
over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like
|
||
$3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.
|
||
The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.
|
||
2023-12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I
|
||
don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a
|
||
metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus
|
||
now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between
|
||
two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I
|
||
can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now
|
||
finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized
|
||
the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French
|
||
but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm
|
||
at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the
|
||
price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.
|
||
But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap
|
||
of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.
|
||
Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical
|
||
blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple
|
||
juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the
|
||
ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're
|
||
playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice
|
||
and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything
|
||
right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.
|
||
2023-12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but
|
||
without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick
|
||
Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in
|
||
the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.
|
||
There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer
|
||
to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.
|
||
Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is
|
||
dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be
|
||
really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the
|
||
service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who
|
||
frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I
|
||
don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The
|
||
caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster
|
||
Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the
|
||
flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at
|
||
Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I
|
||
haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my
|
||
least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much
|
||
strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries
|
||
being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness
|
||
and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild
|
||
natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away
|
||
with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a
|
||
lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.
|
||
I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the
|
||
shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus
|
||
but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most
|
||
ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's
|
||
gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.
|
||
2023-12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by
|
||
paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as
|
||
expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still
|
||
unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes
|
||
close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,
|
||
"natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?
|
||
Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two
|
||
other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now
|
||
that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules
|
||
derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the
|
||
citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it
|
||
comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because
|
||
it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but
|
||
also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing
|
||
lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will
|
||
tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review
|
||
I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming
|
||
fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.
|
||
2023-12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I
|
||
don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than
|
||
usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white
|
||
sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of
|
||
shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by
|
||
some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one
|
||
of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this
|
||
flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the
|
||
middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country
|
||
music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can
|
||
was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which
|
||
I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime
|
||
too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.
|
||
Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good
|
||
as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a
|
||
waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and
|
||
utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The
|
||
caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me
|
||
less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My
|
||
head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my
|
||
encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I
|
||
am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up
|
||
on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time
|
||
slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part
|
||
from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-26.html
|
||
|
||
I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his
|
||
family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his
|
||
work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay
|
||
some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is
|
||
gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.
|
||
|
||
I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power
|
||
pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal
|
||
mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and
|
||
thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't
|
||
know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,
|
||
more times than I can count.
|
||
|
||
What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I
|
||
really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.
|
||
|
||
I'm tired.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-25.html
|
||
|
||
: bonsai
|
||
|
||
Emma Tebibyte (of tebibyte.media) and I have been collaborating (and by that I
|
||
mean fae has a lot of good ideas and I have been writing a lot of mediocre
|
||
implementations) on a core utilities suite called Bonsai. A lot of my own
|
||
coreutil implementations are leaving my own source tree and being incorporated
|
||
into there.
|
||
|
||
I am not big into maintenance. Maintenance is boring. I strive to write
|
||
programs that don't need to be maintained. Bonsai is something that, I hope,
|
||
will not have to be maintained -- it will cover the functionality in section 1
|
||
of POSIX and be done. I would like Bonsai to offer a POSIX interface despite
|
||
the tools being extremely different to prove its worth as being equal to or
|
||
better than POSIX. Also to make work easier for programmers who wish to support
|
||
Bonsai /and/ GNU or BSD or whatever.
|
||
|
||
Bonsai's catchphrase or whatever is "seek what they sought". A lot of existing
|
||
UNIX utilities are very nice but also jank as hell. See test(1), dd(1) for
|
||
overly featureful programs. Test's `!` is identical to Sh's. dd <file1 >file2
|
||
is equivalent to cat <file1 >file2 and tee <file1 >file2 minus some buffering
|
||
shenanigans. Emma and I are in agreement on the fact that functionality should
|
||
be consolidated in some points and split into multiple programs in other points
|
||
and mostly in agreement about where those points are.
|
||
|
||
I'm excited about Bonsai as a compatible improvement to UNIX and excited to
|
||
work with Emma on this because fae and I disagree on topics niche and
|
||
fascinating and our arguments are always interesting. Not in a Queen / The
|
||
Beatles / every rock band ever sort of way where the arguments are cool until
|
||
"You don't really care about the band!" but in a way where the disagreements
|
||
point out that while UNIX's tools were certainly opinionated on how to do
|
||
things, it's hard to say another opinion is objectively better.
|
||
|
||
This is no sort of announcement, Bonsai is public already in
|
||
https://git.tebibyte.media/bonsai/coreutils and you can see the intcmp(1),
|
||
scrut(1), and other implementations of mine that have made their way over there
|
||
and been deleted from my own source tree. I intend to contribute as much as I
|
||
am able but am currently bogged down by the CONTRIBUTING necessitating GPG key
|
||
commit signing and my Alpine installation having weird issues with Assuan and
|
||
communicating with gpg-agent. It'll be nice to clear out this source tree junk
|
||
drawer and put all my dirty laundry out so the world can sniff the musks. I
|
||
encourage anyone reading this to file brutal issues and make me cry like a
|
||
little baby.
|
||
|
||
Today is Christmas. Happy Christmas I guess. I'm Buddhist and can now use that
|
||
excuse not to celebrate whereas before, when not a believer in any religion, I
|
||
would still be expected by many to celebrate Christmas because of consumerism
|
||
or whatever. But also I don't know many people who would expect that of me
|
||
anymore. I just like Buddhism and excuses to talk about it.
|
||
|
||
I would love to see Emma Tebibyte become the new Richard Stallman because fae's
|
||
just really fucking based. Everything Emma has to say is worth heeding whether
|
||
or not you agree with it. These coreutils might be the start of something the
|
||
same way GNU's coreutils were but in a way that isn't plagued with all the
|
||
baggage GNU and the FSF have had.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-24.html
|
||
|
||
TRINITY STARTER PACK
|
||
>fucking hates its job
|
||
>UNIX
|
||
>loves its computer but only its own computer
|
||
>"I hate android but this battery life is killer"
|
||
>no unicode support in framebuffer tty, can't figure out wayland
|
||
>anti social, wishes it wasn't
|
||
>doesn't understand references to memes
|
||
>allergic to brands and advertising
|
||
>takes the bus everywhere
|
||
>will tell you why she doesn't like C
|
||
__________
|
||
/ _______ //|
|
||
/ /|_____/ // |
|
||
/ / /| |/ / // | |
|
||
/ /_/|_|/| _/ //| | |
|
||
/_________ //_| || |
|
||
| ______ | /_/ / /
|
||
| | |/ / | | |/ / /
|
||
| | |/_/_| | |/ /
|
||
| |/_____| | /
|
||
|__________|/
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-23.html
|
||
|
||
sleep invades my brain and blurs my vision so I see
|
||
not a single thing except my slowly invading dreams
|
||
sleep ponders the leaving of me to quickly sinking sand
|
||
in which i'll drown and dessicate, my rest forever as planned
|
||
|
||
sleep takes over my system, the ELF replacing PID 1
|
||
seconds tick by on a hardware clock, timing the mil'seconds gone
|
||
sleep and sleep all over again, do while true if true
|
||
caffeine will not stop my slow descent into my somnic hell
|
||
|
||
sleep tortures my mind with terrible visions of futures to be
|
||
not a single thing of my dreams will give me a second of peace
|
||
sleep will drive its knife inside my chest and into my heart
|
||
stabbing by those who love me so my mind can tear me apart
|
||
|
||
blah blah blah
|
||
|
||
i'm at yule and have been up nearly 24 hours. wild it affects me so much. i
|
||
used to do 48 on 10 off. i think i'm gonna sleep now. good night. i love you.
|
||
|
||
continued.
|
||
|
||
no longer 0100.
|
||
|
||
T1354.
|
||
|
||
$ cat /etc/issue
|
||
We're in this together.
|
||
$ cat /etc/motd
|
||
Get down, make love.
|
||
|
||
I don't know.
|
||
|
||
I've had too much social interaction.
|
||
|
||
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
|
||
Do you think I could have a glass of water?
|
||
Jesus Christ, I didn't realize we had royalty here. No. Get it
|
||
yourself.
|
||
For lack of a sink, for lack of glasses.
|
||
|
||
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
|
||
I really need to take a break, I can't breathe.
|
||
You're lazy. You're just gonna ask for another break soon enough
|
||
anyway.
|
||
For lack of shade, for lack of sunglasses.
|
||
|
||
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
|
||
Can I get a sandwich or something while we're out here?
|
||
We have food at home. Be patient.
|
||
For potato chips, for fruit snacks.
|
||
|
||
How do you ask for what you want without fear of retribution?
|
||
You can't even get water yourself.
|
||
No instruction.
|
||
You're fat and need to lose weight.
|
||
No moderation.
|
||
You need to appreciate what you have.
|
||
No variety.
|
||
|
||
I suppose at face value it sounds bitchy. Find water without plumbing, find
|
||
serenity in motion, find nutrition in processed snacks. I could do it now,
|
||
certainly. But I didn't know what a carbohydrate was until this month, maybe
|
||
last. Time flies faster as of late.
|
||
|
||
I love ice cream even though I'm vegan. I met it on video call and we started
|
||
talking. I was so flustered at its appearance. It was gorgeous. That's the last
|
||
new people I've met. I can't remember how long it lasted the first time. I've
|
||
never had more than a first time before. I screwed up and I wasn't too proud to
|
||
admit it.
|
||
|
||
After the first time around it all slipped through my fingers and I was lost in
|
||
purple haze and red stains. I replaced my shirts with ones easier to wash in
|
||
private and accepted the fate. Then one day I looked around and asked what the
|
||
fuck I was doing.
|
||
|
||
Lost and found is as much a cycle as it is a bin. I lost hoodies often as a
|
||
kid, brain fog and scattering and forgotten fabric on a bench. The benches on
|
||
the playground were a brown shade of black with holes in them at offsets to not
|
||
form a grid but a maze of triangles. I used to play connect the dots with them
|
||
and pencils to leave lines of graphite on what was probably some refined sort
|
||
of plastic, make triangles out of the holes, then get back from recess and
|
||
still be thinking about triangles. All the kids thought I was obnoxious, and I
|
||
was. I had a desire for attention not fulfilled at home. Then the distraction
|
||
faded into a fog of isolation and the number of friends dwindled down to some
|
||
remaining on Instagram, a platform I loathed for its hidden algorithms dragging
|
||
many of those I knew into conspiracy theories I had helped create or others I
|
||
created singlehandedly, who were absolutely unwilling to move to a more open or
|
||
at least seemingly better platform. Then I moved anyway to the darker corners
|
||
of the Internet and in among those, unrelated except by topic of interest
|
||
(technology freedoms), I found the friends that remain friends to this day. I'm
|
||
leaving some things out so as to not write a book here.
|
||
|
||
At some point I will just disappear. I know this will happen. I'll disappear to
|
||
a new life, new style, new identity, new country, and be gone without a trace.
|
||
I will die in the remote reaches of a far away landscape of a slow, painful,
|
||
lonely death. Nobody will be holding me as the light leaves my eyes, nobody
|
||
will appear to come from the heavens to embrace me and beckon me into my next
|
||
form of being. I will die, probably of some self infliction that I won't be
|
||
able to escape when I realize the gravity of what I have done and find my
|
||
regret. In my last moments I will wish things had been different, somehow, some
|
||
way. I will wish I took the time I have right now, in this very moment in the
|
||
present, to get my shit together. To see a therapist. Quit caffeine. Find a
|
||
better job. Get a studio apartment, make more friends, find roommates, go on
|
||
dates with my girlfriends, smile, laugh, feel comfortable around many others,
|
||
have neighbors, contribute to society both in terms of my employment and my
|
||
software I write not for myself but to improve the world, get older, keep
|
||
chipping into my 401(k), retire, grow old, cherish memories and make many more,
|
||
and die surrounded by those I love in a comfortably decorated room I couldn't
|
||
have occupied without the help of those around me. Beckoned to the beyond by
|
||
some engineered and pleasant psychedelic and Shine On You Crazy Diamond.
|
||
|
||
I'm sitting in a fast food joint sipping a coffee and typing this.
|
||
|
||
I learned not to ask for help from others or rely on anybody but myself at
|
||
every turn of my life, every leap of faith into which I fell and every shoulder
|
||
on which I leaned that pushed me away. I made missteps, more times than I can
|
||
count, but there were a lot of things that just weren't my fault and landed on
|
||
me anyway. I have not experienced this since leaving the place that made me.
|
||
But I know not to keep gambling after so many consecutive wins. That's why
|
||
every cautious step forward, every nervous but rewarded ask, every detail that
|
||
goes right, is a reminder that things will go wrong. Luck does not last
|
||
forever.
|
||
|
||
I will disappear when I have no more for which to be here. No friends,
|
||
abandoned projects, dead end jobs and rent I can't afford. I am certain it will
|
||
happen and my friends are certain it will not. But I was friends with others
|
||
who were certain they would see tomorrow and didn't. That is how I think it
|
||
will end, not with a whimper but with a bang and more as the luck runs out and
|
||
cars strike, bullets pierce, fire roars or whatever other sequence of accidents
|
||
seizes the debt I own to balance, the odds swinging back around in luck.
|
||
|
||
I am insufferable and therapy would fix this but I think I would get committed
|
||
if I went. It's irrational but I don't know if Kamikun would ever let me go.
|
||
|
||
I don't think there's anything out there for me. That's the biggest reason I
|
||
would write my EOF byte. But why not wait and see what the future holds?
|
||
|
||
I drank my last Monster. For real. There will be more caffeine, always. There
|
||
might be more romance with energy drinks. But I'm done Monster now, forever.
|
||
It's up to you to hold me accountable. Who am I kidding? Who reads this? Please
|
||
don't.
|
||
|
||
I feel like a slut when I give people my website URL.
|
||
|
||
I apologized. I wanted to visit its state, see it in person, so I could
|
||
apologize in person too. It could do whatever it wanted, I didn't expect to
|
||
stay with it or anything. Then instead of meeting in meatspace to reconnect it
|
||
happened on-line. And we got talking again.
|
||
|
||
I listen to Slipknot because it was wearing a Slipknot t-shirt. That's the only
|
||
reason. I don't think I would have gotten into Slipknot if it wasn't for that.
|
||
I fucking love Slipknot, genuinely, and their music got me through some hard
|
||
times, hard decisions, absolute actions.
|
||
|
||
I like it/its pronouns for me. I'm different from a she/her. She/her is fine. I
|
||
won't take offense, certainly less offense than being gendered male. But I like
|
||
it/its pronouns for myself.
|
||
|
||
I genuinely love my girlfriends with all my heart and it's hard to imagine
|
||
anything short of it no longer being my girlfriends changing that. I loved it
|
||
when we stopped talking. I do regret that, I think. I don't like living with
|
||
regrets. I wasn't able to reconcile the hurt I had caused and my not being true
|
||
to myself. I thought I would hurt it more if we kept talking. I don't think I
|
||
would have.
|
||
|
||
I'm polyamorous and with my other girlfriend we had a much shorter go of things
|
||
and I broke up because our relationship was overwhelming. I don't regret
|
||
breaking up with her because I still believe I would have hurt her more had I
|
||
stayed with her.
|
||
|
||
Leaving my previous state is the best decision I ever made. Now that I am
|
||
constantly made aware, justly, of my bad habits and awful state of living, I
|
||
can start to fix it. There are a million things of which I wasn't even aware,
|
||
or of which I was aware but not of how to fix them, or simply those that I
|
||
didn't care to remedy. I put on black nail polish to stop biting my nails and
|
||
it's working. They're longer than they have been in probably a decade. I'm
|
||
sleeping well, still plagued with nightmares when I dream but I think they
|
||
might pass. I am the sun poking through the clouds before I disappear back into
|
||
pessimism and self loathing and I don't know how to fix that. I'll get there
|
||
someday.
|
||
|
||
I criticize means of repair to flesh out technique rather than to be able to
|
||
ignore them. As a compulsion it is to be able to ignore them. But they keep
|
||
gnawing at my head past the initial repulsion. I don't criticize plans with
|
||
which I align but nor do I criticize plans that seem to me to be obviously
|
||
infeasible.
|
||
|
||
I still can't interact with new people, though, except when forced to do so by
|
||
situation or as a means to an end, and when I do I am extremely uncomfortable.
|
||
I don't know if I can fix that, I don't know if I want to fix that. Baby steps.
|
||
|
||
I hope my existing friends live forever. If our friendship doesn't, fine. They
|
||
deserve happiness and if that's the means to get there I hope I am tossed to
|
||
the side without grief. They deserve happiness and a long duration to have it.
|
||
__________
|
||
/ _______ /|
|
||
/ /|_____/ / |
|
||
/ //|| / //||
|
||
/ //||| _/ //|||
|
||
/_________ //_|||
|
||
| ______ ||_///
|
||
| ||/// | ||///
|
||
| ||//___| ||//
|
||
| |/_____| | /
|
||
|__________|/ I want to improve.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-21.html
|
||
|
||
I have thought disorder that makes it really hard to convey the things in my
|
||
head into things expressed in text. One dimensionally. A string of characters.
|
||
Projecting the landscape of my mind is difficult in the same way drawing is.
|
||
Trying to force a two dimensional world into 128 characters.
|
||
__________
|
||
/ _______ /| I have this thing I like to draw, the frame of a cube. The
|
||
/ /| ____/ / | edges of the cube, the spaces between the edges, and then
|
||
/ //||| / //|| the edges behind those spaces. It's a practice in three
|
||
/ //||||_/ //||| dimensional visualization. I can't do it. Every time I draw
|
||
/_________ //_||| the cube I draw it wrong. A line is where it shouldn't be, I
|
||
| ______ ||_/// made it inconsistent, some elementary mistake. I suppose a
|
||
| ||/// | ||/// lot of people couldn't draw the cube right the first time
|
||
| ||//___| ||// but I feel like I should be able to. That's how conversation
|
||
| |/_____| | / feels. One crucial thing is missing, one inconsistency, and
|
||
|__________|/ the whole thing is wrong, and I didn't notice it because it
|
||
was so hard to do the other edges. To make the thing link
|
||
up. I don't notice my own circular logic, my own
|
||
contradictions, and often others don't either. But when they
|
||
do they say I'm bullshitting them. Really it's the spaces in
|
||
between, the spaces I can't draw, drawn by the voids in my
|
||
head, that are bullshitting me.
|
||
|
||
It's hard to communicate with others for it.
|
||
|
||
Thought disorder is a symptom, not a disease, as I understand it, but I'm not
|
||
gonna read into it, at least publicly. I dissociate. I switch out sometimes or
|
||
lose myself in the words. I make word salad. I say things because they sound
|
||
good, not because they make sense. Et cetera. Fuck. I'm not continuing this.
|
||
|
||
It's isolating. The very fabric of my mind is sewn wrong. Differently, yes. I
|
||
think similarly to some of my peers whose minds are beyond most. But wrong.
|
||
There are little threads that lead to the wrong areas of the cloth, stitches
|
||
too long and too short and some put in after, even, the weaving of the factory
|
||
to pull closed areas I'd like to have used. M C Esher head.
|
||
|
||
i'm nesting
|
||
and spinning
|
||
and thinking
|
||
and turning
|
||
and tossing
|
||
and blinking
|
||
and rusting
|
||
decaying
|
||
and dying
|
||
et c.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-14.html
|
||
|
||
: Ruminations
|
||
|
||
Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-
|
||
NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.
|
||
|
||
Written over the last two weeks or so. Do not read this if you know me
|
||
personally and ideally do not read otherwise, either. Do not try to talk to me
|
||
about this. I'm not gonna kill myself. I just was ruminating about the idea.
|
||
|
||
-
|
||
I've been thinking
|
||
about killing myself;
|
||
the coward's way out,
|
||
sure, but a way out
|
||
nevertheless. I really
|
||
want to die. I want to
|
||
feel it. I'd like to
|
||
drown, to immolate,
|
||
to bleed out. I crave
|
||
the subtleties of the
|
||
experiences that I
|
||
cannot fathom. In
|
||
my dreams I do; I
|
||
am chopped with
|
||
axes,
|
||
-
|
||
slain with swords,
|
||
various means of blunt
|
||
force. I am both
|
||
executed and executioner,
|
||
I experience all
|
||
perspectives
|
||
simultaneously as it
|
||
is my subconscious
|
||
that renders my
|
||
potential fates, and
|
||
in the moment I
|
||
am cruel, and in the
|
||
moment I am kind,
|
||
and as the one
|
||
-
|
||
to die I feel relieved
|
||
to go, to be able to
|
||
let go of my stresses
|
||
and fears for my
|
||
longed-for certainty.
|
||
I'm tired of the
|
||
lucky escapes, the
|
||
dei ex machinae. I
|
||
feel like a character
|
||
of fiction, the pulp
|
||
protagonist that
|
||
always improbably
|
||
makes it out of the
|
||
bind. Like my fate
|
||
-
|
||
is already written,
|
||
predestined; sometimes
|
||
I can even see the
|
||
lines ahead, Kami
|
||
knows sections by
|
||
heart. I just got
|
||
on the bus I wasn't
|
||
sure I could afford
|
||
and it was free.
|
||
Maybe I'm an angel,
|
||
compulsively
|
||
accomplishing
|
||
selfless miracles.
|
||
If so, to be an
|
||
-
|
||
angel is to be in
|
||
Hell. Condemned to
|
||
goodness. I am so
|
||
fucking stressed
|
||
because it takes
|
||
more and more work
|
||
for everything to just
|
||
work out. This
|
||
morning I thought
|
||
I was gonna break
|
||
down, actually just
|
||
break down. But
|
||
that's not in the
|
||
pages.
|
||
-
|
||
I want to be
|
||
alive and without
|
||
anaesthetic for
|
||
my dissection. I
|
||
want to see the
|
||
scalpel approach
|
||
my flesh, feel it
|
||
carve me and see
|
||
my own pink-dyed
|
||
subcutaneous fat.
|
||
The crimson viscera.
|
||
I want to taste my
|
||
own blood as I
|
||
succumb to
|
||
-
|
||
mortality. Done by
|
||
[...] or [...] or both.
|
||
In my scripted
|
||
demise will I
|
||
know commfort, will
|
||
I have known
|
||
comfort? Or will I
|
||
faint into a trench
|
||
and have the cold
|
||
work its way in
|
||
from the extremeties.
|
||
This morning I cried,
|
||
now my sadness had
|
||
hardened to a rich,
|
||
-
|
||
coffee-smooth
|
||
bitterness, a numbness
|
||
too. I can't keep
|
||
friends because I
|
||
never interact first,
|
||
see myself a burden.
|
||
The fuel that weighs
|
||
down the ship. Spend
|
||
me until you have
|
||
nothing left, be free
|
||
of me among the
|
||
stars. I arrived at
|
||
work an hour and a
|
||
half early. It's
|
||
-
|
||
nothing, the time ticks
|
||
on regardless. I hate
|
||
Christmas music. I am
|
||
so alone. [mi] [olin] [ala] [e] [mi].
|
||
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [mi]. I wish to be
|
||
primitive, of the
|
||
forest, to be solitary.
|
||
I would be so lonely
|
||
without [...].
|
||
I don't talk to the
|
||
people close to me
|
||
and to others I say
|
||
less. I want to taste
|
||
my blood. I want to
|
||
-
|
||
burn myself. I want
|
||
to die. But I don't
|
||
want to do it. My
|
||
friends depend on
|
||
me. And I have things
|
||
to write. When I am
|
||
done I will take my
|
||
leave. I want the
|
||
suffering to be over. I
|
||
want Nirvana. Nirvana
|
||
isn't heaven, it's simply
|
||
the conclusion to a
|
||
finite cycle of rebirth.
|
||
The conclusion to one's
|
||
-
|
||
suffering.
|
||
|
||
I'd like to see
|
||
Chicago, California,
|
||
the Bodhi tree, the
|
||
sunrise from atop a
|
||
mountain, a molten
|
||
wall, the inside of a
|
||
flame, mucky clotted
|
||
blood. A chunk of
|
||
clot in a pool of
|
||
it.
|
||
-
|
||
It's not that I don't
|
||
know how to ask for
|
||
what I want but
|
||
that I know I only
|
||
get what is deserved,
|
||
not what is desired.
|
||
I am a parable;
|
||
beware of excess. It's
|
||
better that I don't
|
||
control my own fate
|
||
else I'd
|
||
meet it. I believe I
|
||
am have cancer because I
|
||
don't want to believe
|
||
-
|
||
I will live 60, 70
|
||
more years, because
|
||
the best of those I
|
||
knew did not. When
|
||
I hear the Underscores
|
||
song I think, know
|
||
it too; Everybody's
|
||
dead and it's all my
|
||
fault. I don't have
|
||
the means to be vegan
|
||
in a way that is
|
||
healthy but I can't
|
||
bring myself to eat
|
||
dead animal; I've
|
||
-
|
||
caused enough harm.
|
||
I feel too old and
|
||
too young. I don't
|
||
know how to afford
|
||
rent. Not here, not
|
||
anywhere. I'd like
|
||
to become a Buddhist
|
||
monk. Burger King
|
||
coffee is bad but not
|
||
terrible. [tomo] [pi] [soweli] [moli].
|
||
[mi] [olin] [e] [toki pona]. I am as much
|
||
an animal as a cow
|
||
and know beef as
|
||
fallen brethren.
|
||
-
|
||
I wish to harm and
|
||
not harm, to be
|
||
caged and free, to
|
||
be known and
|
||
Anonymous, to love
|
||
and to be forgotten.
|
||
Pass on my memories.
|
||
|
||
I am so tired all the
|
||
time. Fatigued, weary,
|
||
sleepy. I need to
|
||
figure out how to get
|
||
an apartment. I need
|
||
a new social security
|
||
-
|
||
card. I want to die
|
||
because this work is
|
||
so hard and will get
|
||
harder yet. I want
|
||
to have a small
|
||
apartment with one or
|
||
two close friends full
|
||
of pillows and blankets
|
||
with a warm picture
|
||
tube and modded
|
||
Gamecube. How do I
|
||
make friends? How do
|
||
I afford an apartment
|
||
?
|
||
-
|
||
I do everything
|
||
wrong. When I am
|
||
praised it is without
|
||
sincerity, when I am
|
||
held it is without
|
||
catharsis, when I am
|
||
loved it is without
|
||
reality. To fall asleep
|
||
I think about cuddling
|
||
my girlfriend. I miss
|
||
my stuffed shark but
|
||
a stuffed shark will
|
||
not fit in a backpack.
|
||
Nor will aspirations.
|
||
-
|
||
[mi] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [li] [ike] [lili]. [ni]
|
||
[li]
|
||
[ante] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [pini]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [wili] [e]
|
||
[lape].
|
||
[mi] [jo] [e] [lape] [lili] [tan] [tenpo] [mun] [pini] [la] [mi] [lukin] [e]
|
||
[jan] [moli]. [mi] [moli] [ala] [taso] [mi] [wili] [lukin] [e] [jan]
|
||
[moli] [tan] [mi] [wile] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [ala] [moli]. [mi] [olin] [moli]
|
||
[ala].
|
||
[mi] [pakala]. [mi] [kama] [sona] [e] [toki pona]. [mi] [toki ike] [e] [toki
|
||
pona]. [o] [toki] [ala].
|
||
I got a new pen today. A
|
||
Uniball Signo 207 with
|
||
"archival quality ink", "used
|
||
by professionals". It - and
|
||
this is evident in the notebook
|
||
in which I write this but
|
||
probably won't be if I
|
||
ever type it up - writes
|
||
-
|
||
shittily. Perhaps this is
|
||
due to the paper or to the
|
||
thin air where I now find
|
||
myself. Now it's writing fine
|
||
so who knows. I took the
|
||
pen apart just now, idly,
|
||
didn't have a good grip on
|
||
the tip that holds the
|
||
spring in, and the tension
|
||
released and the tip flew
|
||
to the other seat in the
|
||
booth of this restaurant. I
|
||
hate working here.
|
||
-
|
||
Today I'm less stressed
|
||
because I don't have to
|
||
catch a bus to my second
|
||
shift. The thought of my
|
||
finances still gnaws at
|
||
me and the walls are closing
|
||
in. The way I'm going isn't
|
||
sustainable and one way
|
||
or another, by homelessness
|
||
or breakdown, I will crumble,
|
||
inevitably. I'm not sure what
|
||
to do. I'm thinking about
|
||
getting a fake identity
|
||
and moving to the Balkans
|
||
-
|
||
or perhaps Kazakhstan. My
|
||
current location and situation
|
||
is, however, the result of a
|
||
similarly spontaneous and
|
||
far move, and I'm still
|
||
not established here.
|
||
My skin is dry. I guess that
|
||
wouldn't matter if I
|
||
killed myself. Homeless people,
|
||
with or without their senses,
|
||
are treated like animals. If
|
||
you treat people like animals
|
||
they will become animals.
|
||
The shelter here looks like a cage.
|
||
-
|
||
Perhaps that's what housing is,
|
||
a kennel for a human. The
|
||
decorations and dressing make
|
||
us forget it. I'm scared of
|
||
the future because I don't
|
||
know if I will survive it and
|
||
I don't want to die. I have
|
||
always had a problem with
|
||
biting my nails. I have an
|
||
oral fixation. I chew half
|
||
a pack of gum a day when
|
||
I can afford it. Three packs
|
||
and two Uniball Signo 207
|
||
pens cost $10.46.
|
||
-
|
||
I worked an hour for them.
|
||
How many hours will I need
|
||
to work to afford rent? No
|
||
matter how many it never seems
|
||
to be enough. I'm scared all
|
||
the time since I started
|
||
feeling emotions again. I miss
|
||
being numb but I don't miss
|
||
being in the situations that
|
||
made me numb. Maybe I
|
||
just need to sleep. I can't
|
||
fall asleep without either weed
|
||
or watching people die on
|
||
my cell phone.
|
||
-
|
||
I saw someone decapitated
|
||
by the wheels of a train.
|
||
I wondered how bad it would
|
||
be to die that way. They looked
|
||
so happy on social media. I
|
||
try so hard to be kind to
|
||
everybody. It has been 2 days
|
||
since last I hugged anybody.
|
||
I feel so alone. I'm not,
|
||
but the being is different
|
||
from the feeling. I am sad.
|
||
My girlfriend won't text me
|
||
back. Its replies were sparse
|
||
when I was sleeping outside
|
||
-
|
||
because it was worried I
|
||
would die in the cold. The
|
||
people I love most in the
|
||
world don't believe I will
|
||
ever be successful. I think
|
||
I might. If I was
|
||
infinitely powerful I would
|
||
give the empty houses to those
|
||
that need them and an I.D.
|
||
to anyone that wanted one.
|
||
I would feed the hungry and
|
||
transport the travelers. I
|
||
would find somebody who
|
||
knows exactly how I now feel.
|
||
-
|
||
[tawa] [tenpo] [ante]
|
||
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja].
|
||
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [ike]. [mi] [pakala]. [mi] [ike] [mute]. [mi] [pali] [moki]
|
||
[e]
|
||
[soweli] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [soweli] [moli] [ala]
|
||
[taso] [jan ike] [moli] [e] [soweli] [suwi]. [mi] [pakala].
|
||
[tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [pali] [moku] [e] [soweli] [suwi] [moli]. [mi]
|
||
[pakala].
|
||
[mi] [ike] [seme] [jan ike]. [mi] [pilin ike] [mute]. [mi] [pilin pakala]. [mi]
|
||
[ike] [tawa] [mi].
|
||
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [soweli]. [mi] [ike] [tawa] [ma] [ali]. [mi] [ike]. [mi]
|
||
[pakala].
|
||
[toki] [nimi Japanese] [la] [tu] [tu] [pi] [toki pona] [li] [moli]. [mi]
|
||
[pakala]:
|
||
[mi] [toki] [e] [ni]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [nanpa] [tu] [tu].
|
||
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [mun] [ike]. [mi] [pilin ike]
|
||
[mute].
|
||
[mi] [toki]. [mi] [pakala].
|
||
-
|
||
I've done abhorrent, horrible
|
||
things, and I don't know how
|
||
to make up for them. Killing
|
||
myself would be a start.
|
||
I wonder what it's like to
|
||
be dead. I wish there
|
||
wasn't rebirth.
|
||
-
|
||
i took the bus to work
|
||
i'm sorry
|
||
car just didn't start
|
||
the park
|
||
the gas tank full
|
||
the lighter
|
||
sorry
|
||
took the bus to work
|
||
i'm sorry
|
||
fifty year old man
|
||
i'm sorry
|
||
bandanna in a bottle
|
||
bandanna in a bottle
|
||
i drink til my tongue slips
|
||
i'm sorry
|
||
whatcha sorry for
|
||
i'm sorry
|
||
took the bus to work
|
||
and i think tonight i'm gonna let it hit me
|
||
he didn't see it coming
|
||
and his pace remained the same
|
||
eveloped in fire
|
||
did you feel anything?
|
||
i'm sorry for the slaughter
|
||
but god does my job pay
|
||
i bought myself a new car
|
||
but can't bear to fill the tank
|
||
-
|
||
[moli] [li] [pimeja] [e] [mi]
|
||
[pimeja] [soweli] [la]
|
||
[mi] [len] [e] [mi] [e] [ni]
|
||
|
||
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
|
||
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [lape]
|
||
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [ni]: [mi] [lape]
|
||
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
|
||
[mi] [wile] [e] [pali] [lape]
|
||
[mi] [lape] [ala]
|
||
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
|
||
[mi] [pakala]
|
||
[mi] [pakala]
|
||
[mi] [pakala]
|
||
[mi] [pakala]
|
||
-
|
||
[tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]
|
||
city square littered with corpses
|
||
vendors fallen at their stalls
|
||
bags spilled open, coins atwinkle
|
||
reflecting moonlight. earthly stars
|
||
if you cut one open the blood would be dark red
|
||
no oxygen in their system, hypoxia, death instant
|
||
civilians struck in a war of which they weren't aware
|
||
died for a growing number on a screen
|
||
children are among them, and in homes babies cribbed
|
||
a bus driver reading a dog eared copy of the tao te ching
|
||
four of a chosen family out of broken homes
|
||
taken from a cold street to new apartment, optimists
|
||
nobody mourns the losses. members of a town too small
|
||
in life they all were lovers. now inanimate
|
||
a flower sits in a cup, never to be watered again
|
||
in the face of inevitability, what has it all meant
|
||
city square declared a grave site
|
||
by nobody; nobody cares
|
||
a dog lays still on the cobblestone
|
||
its last experience fitful sleep, a nightmare
|
||
-
|
||
I'm tired.
|
||
-
|
||
|
||
-
|
||
i don't believe in a god
|
||
and haven't since i saw a dog
|
||
skinned alive
|
||
a mess of dripping, florid blood
|
||
and muscle and bone
|
||
and it let out what screams
|
||
can be screamed with what function
|
||
its analog to our vocal chords
|
||
had left
|
||
and kept screaming
|
||
shaking, it hanged suuspended by rope
|
||
from an oak tree, perhaps maple
|
||
the twine brown matching the sand
|
||
and dirt and green leaves
|
||
and not the unnatural red
|
||
of the shivering animal
|
||
unable to comprehend even its fate
|
||
let alone what brought its aggressors
|
||
to take a machete to the starving, matted
|
||
thing. how could a merciful, good creator
|
||
allow one of her children to experience
|
||
such a thing, and not die upon removal
|
||
of the face? who would want to survive such
|
||
a thing? and especially,
|
||
if not only a god is our creator but
|
||
the arbiter of our fates,
|
||
why did she let someone record it and put it
|
||
on liveleak? why did she let me watch it
|
||
when i was 14?
|
||
-
|
||
The mountain, eons old
|
||
and wise for what it
|
||
has weathered, knows not
|
||
to abuse its unimaginable
|
||
strength.
|
||
The hornet, with a life cycle of days, is given an
|
||
appropriately small amount
|
||
of venom for its size and
|
||
stings unprovoked.
|
||
Blame neither.
|
||
They reflect the
|
||
kindness of their worlds.
|
||
-
|
||
hope you're doing okay
|
||
i'm about to sleep, worked a lot today
|
||
will we talk tomorrow?
|
||
of course we will babe
|
||
that was last month
|
||
was I ghosted? I really can't say
|
||
I might be single but
|
||
I hold onto the hope that it'll message again
|
||
what did I say
|
||
what did I do
|
||
I thought we had something
|
||
was it as real to you
|
||
how did I push
|
||
my dearest dear away
|
||
would you tell me if it was over?
|
||
was I really so unsafe?
|
||
-
|
||
do you remember me
|
||
i thought what we had was a lot
|
||
|
||
i always think of you
|
||
am i just someone you forgot
|
||
|
||
we've been dating for a bit
|
||
but goddammit, i sort of loved you
|
||
|
||
when you curl up with [...],
|
||
my old plushie, do you think of what you lost
|
||
|
||
god, i miss you, and i'm so alone
|
||
when i sleep i look at my phone
|
||
and look at you, comfy, under the sheets.
|
||
i hope the blankets don't make you too hot
|
||
|
||
what did i do to justify a cold shoulder
|
||
what did i say to bring famine to my soul
|
||
will you return to explain your hiatus
|
||
or will you leave me to rot
|
||
|
||
whatever it was, i'm sorry
|
||
and i hope you get back someday
|
||
|
||
i keep thinking about the solace under the wheels of a train
|
||
do you think i'll feel any pain
|
||
-
|
||
i'm at the bus stop and freezing
|
||
do you get what i mean?
|
||
it's been a week since you called
|
||
am i still in your screen?
|
||
i think of you daily
|
||
or the bottomless pit
|
||
i wanna throw myself into
|
||
but that's just how i think
|
||
you got tired of me
|
||
as a loving girlfriend
|
||
faded novelty
|
||
and so much repetition
|
||
but i liked the routine
|
||
and you said it was your happy ending
|
||
|
||
after every chapter there's another
|
||
is a better life what i'll get
|
||
no longer so trusting a lover
|
||
my heart aches, i should have guarded it
|
||
-
|
||
It said it loved me but
|
||
it hasn't responded to my
|
||
text messages in two weeks.
|
||
I suppose it's busy but I
|
||
haven't even had a single-
|
||
word update. It feels like
|
||
I'm being avoided. It hurts.
|
||
I really did love it. It's hard
|
||
for me to love. If it called
|
||
and apologized and made it
|
||
up to me I don't think it
|
||
would fix things. I feel
|
||
disrespected as a partner.
|
||
-
|
||
We're poly and I know
|
||
and have known it is seeing
|
||
someone else, and am and
|
||
have always been fine with
|
||
it. Someone else more
|
||
important to it. I was
|
||
thankful, really, and still am
|
||
that it received more than
|
||
only I could provide, a 20
|
||
year old fast food worker.
|
||
I can't compare to its
|
||
college scholarships and
|
||
leadership roles. I never
|
||
wanted or needed to.
|
||
-
|
||
And I didn't ever call as
|
||
much as we planned and
|
||
I became more of a recluse
|
||
than the person it started
|
||
dating. But I've been to its
|
||
apartment. I took it on
|
||
dates, gave it its favorite
|
||
stuffed animal, formerly
|
||
mine. We don't have a
|
||
long history but we do have
|
||
a history. I don't even
|
||
know if we're broken up.
|
||
Tomorrow will be two weeks.
|
||
-
|
||
Nearly four months. I feel
|
||
doomed to never keep a
|
||
relationship longer than
|
||
four months.
|
||
I wish I had what it
|
||
takes to commit suicide.
|
||
-
|
||
[...] & [,,,]
|
||
-> [...] & [,,,] - 9.7km $D
|
||
gas price ($G) - $/gal
|
||
gas price $g/gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
|
||
mileage ($M) -> mi / gal
|
||
mileage $m mi / gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
|
||
$m mi / liter * 1.6 km / 1 mi -> km / liter
|
||
-
|
||
|
||
-
|
||
|
||
-
|
||
|
||
-
|
||
It messaged me back.
|
||
It too has been having
|
||
a rough go of things.
|
||
I'm in a downward
|
||
spiral. I hate this fucking
|
||
Christmas music. I use
|
||
gum to forget taste, gore
|
||
to desensitize sight, music
|
||
to ignore my ears,
|
||
cleaning work to burn my
|
||
nostrils, weed to feel
|
||
nothing and forget the
|
||
world of which I wish
|
||
I wasn't a part.
|
||
-
|
||
In fleeting moments of peace
|
||
I'm overcome by the beauty
|
||
of this simple place. Then
|
||
my head by the hair is
|
||
dragged back into the dark
|
||
mirror and I am once again
|
||
submerged in my own misery.
|
||
I want my face ripped off,
|
||
to drown in my own blood
|
||
as it's forced into my nose
|
||
by the tubes under my eyes,
|
||
to see in the mirror the
|
||
muscles that scarcely do
|
||
else but frown.
|
||
-
|
||
When people knock on the
|
||
bathroom door I get nervous
|
||
and leave and they always
|
||
look mad at me. Why?
|
||
I was doing what they wish
|
||
to do. Why not be sympathetic
|
||
to what we have in common
|
||
-- a urinary tract, a digestive
|
||
system. I never take
|
||
very long.
|
||
I agreed to start coming
|
||
into work earlier. It felt
|
||
like signing my death
|
||
certificate. I'm so tired.
|
||
-
|
||
This job doesn't pay
|
||
enough. I work 50 hour
|
||
weeks to be able to
|
||
afford basic necessities,
|
||
many of which I still forgo.
|
||
I charge a battery pack at
|
||
work to avoid using electricity
|
||
in the apartment. I take
|
||
one short shower a week to
|
||
avoid water usage and
|
||
electricity for the water
|
||
heater. I use my phone
|
||
flashlight (charged at work
|
||
too) to avoid the overhead
|
||
lamps.
|
||
-
|
||
I spend a lot of time at
|
||
work. 6 days a week, 8-10
|
||
hour days, some 6s around
|
||
so I don't get too much
|
||
overtime. I show up an
|
||
hour early. I spend about
|
||
half an hour on the bus, before
|
||
that half an hour at the
|
||
stop. Then another half
|
||
hour at the stop after work.
|
||
That's two and a half
|
||
hours I spend either at
|
||
work or commuting, plus
|
||
the usual 8. 2.6 * 6 = 13hrs + 50hrs working
|
||
= 63 hrs out of the apartment
|
||
-
|
||
Then I sleep 8hrs a night,
|
||
or at least set aside that
|
||
time for it. 56hrs a week.
|
||
I have 49hrs a week past
|
||
labor, transit, and sleep.
|
||
It's time but I wish I had
|
||
more. I and my loved ones
|
||
are aging. I wanna spend
|
||
the prime decades of my life
|
||
playing, creating, socializing.
|
||
All I do is labor, if not done
|
||
by me then someone else. And
|
||
I'm exhausted.
|
||
-
|
||
What makes matters worse
|
||
is that I have some innate,
|
||
compulsive need to labor if
|
||
on the clock as I am paid
|
||
to do. This while those around
|
||
me use their cell phones to
|
||
watch video and otherwise
|
||
idle. I work and they do
|
||
not and while I slowly
|
||
clean the workplace I
|
||
wonder, perhaps realize - though
|
||
I had already realized, so
|
||
moreso I just turn the
|
||
thought around in my head
|
||
-
|
||
like a dead pig's sausage
|
||
rotating on a warmer at a
|
||
gas station - why this
|
||
place is so dirty.
|
||
I want to go somewhere
|
||
clean, or to nowhere at all.
|
||
I want to love in a shallow
|
||
pool of water, in Lao-Tzu's
|
||
moon. I want to cease
|
||
living. I want to die. I
|
||
want to be killed. I want
|
||
to kill myself. Because then,
|
||
at least, the work will
|
||
be over.
|
||
-
|
||
The voices will quiet. I will
|
||
calm and my heart will be
|
||
still. I will be not too hot,
|
||
not too cold, without aching
|
||
muscles or aging joints. I
|
||
want this finity not as a
|
||
termination of my residence
|
||
per se but as a respite from
|
||
the Hell for which I
|
||
constantly volunteer. Many
|
||
lean on me; I lean on
|
||
nothing. Many know me.
|
||
I know nothing. I love many.
|
||
And in my heart know I am alone.
|
||
-
|
||
I watch a lot of
|
||
beheadings and it's
|
||
kind of a bummer
|
||
that they all focus on
|
||
the head and not the
|
||
body. The blood pouring
|
||
out of the neck as if
|
||
champagne
|
||
uncorked seriously
|
||
arouses me. I unironically
|
||
want to behead someone
|
||
and fuck their windpipe.
|
||
I want to be covered
|
||
in blood, someone else's
|
||
or my own.
|
||
-
|
||
I don't know what to
|
||
do with this notebook.
|
||
Who would want to read
|
||
this? What kind of
|
||
person would identify
|
||
with me?
|
||
I took my clothes off
|
||
and got in the shower
|
||
naked. I feel defenseless
|
||
when showering, especially
|
||
without a knife beside
|
||
me. I shampood my
|
||
scalp and conditioned
|
||
my hair
|
||
-
|
||
and I took the
|
||
washcloth and scrubbed
|
||
at my face but my
|
||
face was stuck too well
|
||
to my skull to be so
|
||
easily removed. I scrubbed
|
||
down my chest and arms
|
||
and legs and neck and
|
||
felt where I'd like someone
|
||
to saw at me, disconnect
|
||
my head from my heart.
|
||
I was thirsty but it
|
||
felt weird to drink the
|
||
shower water.
|
||
-
|
||
I'm scared of using soap
|
||
because it costs so much.
|
||
Scared of shampoo and
|
||
conditioner because they
|
||
cost so much. The
|
||
bathroom light and fan.
|
||
The water. I scrubbed
|
||
at my feet and the bottoms
|
||
were gray, the soles
|
||
padded with dead skin
|
||
because I spend all
|
||
my time walking. I scrubbed
|
||
at them but not too
|
||
much because I'll take any
|
||
padding I can get.
|
||
-
|
||
I finished and dried
|
||
myself with a towel and
|
||
got out of the shower
|
||
and felt lightheaded and
|
||
I don't know why. And
|
||
I put on clothes and came
|
||
out to the living room.
|
||
This is the last page of
|
||
the notebook and my
|
||
hair smells like lavendar
|
||
and my arms like
|
||
eucalyptus. And I'm sorry
|
||
for being here. At least
|
||
I'm finally clean.
|
||
-
|
||
|
||
The notebook on which this was written will be incinerated and I will move on
|
||
from thinking about any of this.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-12.html
|
||
|
||
Didn't have time to figure out how to set up TeX. Still don't. Don't have time
|
||
to explain. I'm so tired. I'm wearing raw. Like skin torn apart by a fall at
|
||
high speed onto a road. Flesh torn from bone, then bone itself ground against
|
||
sandpaper. My girlfriend stopped texting back two weeks ago. Marrow leakage.
|
||
|
||
I'm at the bus stop and freezing
|
||
Do you get what I mean?
|
||
It's been a week since you called me
|
||
Am I still in your screen?
|
||
|
||
I think of you daily
|
||
or the bottomless pit
|
||
I wanna throw myself into.
|
||
But that's just how I think.
|
||
|
||
You got tired of me, maybe,
|
||
as a loving girlfriend
|
||
perhaps the novelty faded
|
||
into repetition.
|
||
|
||
But I liked the routine
|
||
and I thought it was a happy ending.
|
||
|
||
After every chapter there's another
|
||
is a better life what I'll get?
|
||
Or an ache in my side and
|
||
my catacomb cage quiet.
|
||
|
||
I can't sleep anymore without watching people die on-line. I spend one or two
|
||
hours a night on watchpeopledie.tv and I've probably seen most of the videos on
|
||
the site, I made an account to track my viewing history so I don't watch the
|
||
same stuff over and over. I long to know what it feels like to drown, to burn
|
||
alive, to bleed out, to be crushed in the cogs of an industrial machine, to be
|
||
shredded, beheaded, to die alone in the cold or the heat or a swampy summer
|
||
day. I'm kept alive by decision paralysis and the bitter responsibility to make
|
||
the world a significantly better place than I found it. I'm so tired.
|
||
|
||
I imagine, engulfed in flames, or at the edge of consciousness under the sea,
|
||
or within the swiftly closing steel maws of an unknowing automaton, or just
|
||
after the machete starts sawing, or at the second gush from the vein, or
|
||
simply looking at a dirty brick wall as the last sight on this plane, there is
|
||
a moment, brief but potent, of realization and acceptance of what has happened,
|
||
and that that one moment is the sweetest bliss of certain finity that could be
|
||
given to a mortal. Just a tick, one sixty-fourth of a moment in a snap. I hope
|
||
decades from now I can experience it and that it's as serene as I hope.
|
||
|
||
I wonder if I'm just forgettable. Maybe that's all it is. I don't want to be
|
||
forgotten but I do. If my words fade into aether I want my kharma to persevere.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-10.html
|
||
|
||
I feel alone and I wish I wasn't.
|
||
|
||
I don't think Chimera has tex so I'll figure out how to compile it.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-03.html
|
||
|
||
theater of years
|
||
10 George woke up behind the curtains on a mat at the same time as some of
|
||
the older folk. Two of them were rocking babies, one nearly a newborn and the
|
||
other slightly older.
|
||
|
||
mod me
|
||
1 Kaoru Akimoto - Dress Down
|
||
2 Weezer - Beverly Hills
|
||
3 Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
|
||
4 Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
|
||
5 Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
|
||
6 Penelope Scott - Cigarette Ahegao
|
||
7 Fall Out Boy - Thnks fr th Mmrs
|
||
8 Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
|
||
9 Junko Yagami - [kanji] no BAY CITY
|
||
10 Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
|
||
This is from the Ben Folds album Way to Normal. I went to the
|
||
titular Normal on my way to Lincoln and its Amtrack station was just excellent.
|
||
11 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
|
||
12 Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
|
||
13 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
|
||
14 MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
|
||
15 Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
|
||
16 Gorillaz - Tranz
|
||
17 Steve Lacy - Dark Red
|
||
18 Fall Out Boy - American Beauty/American Psycho
|
||
19 Richard Cheese - Gin & Juice
|
||
20 Liza Anne - I Love You, But I Need Another Year
|
||
21 C418 - Mellohi
|
||
22 Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song
|
||
23 Worthikids - Up
|
||
24 Austin Weber - Mamma Mia
|
||
25 Her's - Speed Racer
|
||
26 glass beach - cold weather
|
||
27 Machine Girl - Athoth a Go!! Go!!
|
||
I've seen them live and it was with the exception of Knocked
|
||
Loose the best pit I'd ever been in.
|
||
28 Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Pump It Up
|
||
29 Tally Hall - Cannibal
|
||
30 Oinga Boinga - You Really Got Me
|
||
31 Minus the Bear - My Time
|
||
32 Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
|
||
33 Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
|
||
34 TeddyLoid - Fly Away
|
||
35 Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
|
||
36 Weezer - Hash Pipe
|
||
37 nelward - Ghost
|
||
This plays on King Possum radio every so often.
|
||
38 Magdalena Bay - Killshot
|
||
39 Electric Wizard - Funeralopolis
|
||
40 Tessa Violet - Wishful Drinking
|
||
I saw half alive live in Boston and Tessa Violet opened. It was
|
||
kind of uncomfortable because while I am into women and I think Tessa Violet is
|
||
also into women her stage presence wasn't really anything I was into nor
|
||
anything with which I strongly vibed. Maybe it's just something for those who
|
||
are younger than I.
|
||
41 R.I.P. - 1-800-Sins
|
||
42 Talking Heads - Road to Nowhere
|
||
43 Eyeless in Gaza - Seven Years
|
||
44 my bloody valentine - Lose My Breath
|
||
45 The Cure - Play For Today
|
||
46 Marina and the Diamonds - Venus Fly Trap
|
||
47 Cyclope - L'hymne a l'amour
|
||
Minus diacritical marks.
|
||
48 IVE - ELEVEN
|
||
49 Superorganism - Something For Your M.I.N.D.
|
||
50 Marina and the Diamonds - Bubblegum Bitch
|
||
51 Marina and the Diamonds - Primadonna
|
||
52 ATARASHII GAKKOI - Pineapple Kryptonite
|
||
53 Mareux - The Perfect Girl
|
||
|
||
christmas music
|
||
1 100 gecs - sympathy 4 the grinch
|
||
2 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Merry Christmas Everybody
|
||
3 Gorillaz - Broken
|
||
4 Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
|
||
5 Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
|
||
Coincidentally, I received a Tears concert ticket for Christmas
|
||
from either my roommate or his family last year or so.
|
||
6 Wham! - Last Christmas
|
||
7 My Chemical Romance - All I Want for Christmas Is You
|
||
8 Roar - Christmas Kids
|
||
9 Mother Mother - Hayloft
|
||
10 Misfits - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
|
||
11 Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
|
||
12 John Lennon, Yoko Ono - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
|
||
Found on /f/.
|
||
13 Epic Rap Battles of History, Snoop Dogg - Moses vs Santa Claus
|
||
14 K.able, Hatsune Miku - Santa-san wa ROKUDENASHI
|
||
15 Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad
|
||
16 Mag.Lo, O Super - Never
|
||
17 Vierre Cloud - moment
|
||
18 Gorillaz - DARE
|
||
|
||
batteries included
|
||
1 LVL1 - FVN!
|
||
2 TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
|
||
3 TeddyLoid - Fly Away
|
||
4 Vierre Cloud - moment
|
||
5 Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
|
||
6 Perfume - Electro World
|
||
7 3l3d3p - lbitbt
|
||
8 100 gecs - bloodstains
|
||
This playlist is loosely copied from Usagi's Welcome to Hell
|
||
Spotify playlist which I won't be putting here. It accompanied me in 2021 and
|
||
2022 but I mainly associate it with my senior year of high school which felt
|
||
very fast and very loose and had a lot of parts where I thought I wasn't going
|
||
to survive to 18.
|
||
9 plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
|
||
10 Honey Claws - Digital Animal
|
||
I can't see the dates on Spotify for Android and I can't use
|
||
the web browser open.spotify.com for lack of WideVine on Firefox for the
|
||
Raspberry Pi nor the Electron app for lack of a lot of things but this is
|
||
definitely from 2022 or so because I recalled this song talking with a coworker
|
||
who mentioned this was in Breaking Bad.
|
||
11 100 gecs, Fall Out Boy, Craig Owens, Nicole Dollanganger -[...]
|
||
The artist credits overflow so hard none of the title can be
|
||
shown. This is the Fall Out Boy cover of hand crushed by a mallet by gecs.
|
||
12 Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM
|
||
13 TeddyLoid - Theme for Scanty & Knee Socks
|
||
14 TeddyLoid - Corset Theme
|
||
15 100 gecs - mememe
|
||
16 Ado, TeddyLoid - [kangi] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
|
||
17 Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
|
||
18 Grimes - Kill V. Maim
|
||
19 Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
|
||
When this song leaked it leaked as When Will We Be Free and
|
||
Kingslayer tied into a single MP3. It may be my favorite of both bands' work.
|
||
I looped it while playing through GZDOOM on my Thinkpad T420 on a really nice
|
||
NEC SyncMaster or something like that 70Hz LCD display.
|
||
20 The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
|
||
21 Danny Brown - Ain't it Funny
|
||
22 clipping. - Story 2
|
||
23 Zack Fox - fafo
|
||
I always associate Ain't it Funny / Story 2 / fafo with each
|
||
other as a series of tracks. Or maybe in the reverse of that order. It makes
|
||
sense lyrically and rhythmically and the first time I heard them was something
|
||
like that order in the car with Usagi coming back from the bagel place.
|
||
24 Mitchie M., Hatsune Miku - ageageagein
|
||
Transliterated from katakana.
|
||
25 Badflower - Girlfriend
|
||
I've seen Badflower live but I didn't think the track selection
|
||
of the set was that great - he opened for My Chemical Romance in September
|
||
2022, the day the Queen of England died (REST IN PISS IMPERIAL FUCK).
|
||
26 Pisse - Fahrradsattel
|
||
27 The Moldy Peaches - Little Bunny Foo Foo
|
||
I really love the video vewn did to accompany this song. My
|
||
only cotton T-shirt is vewn merch that I got for Christmas from Usagi, I've
|
||
seen all their videos on recommendation from Usagi and they're one of if not my
|
||
favorite animator.
|
||
28 LIZ - When I Rule the World
|
||
29 Slayyyter - Hello Kitty
|
||
30 Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - PONPONPON
|
||
I can't help thinking of the awful webm Pomf Pomf Pomf when I
|
||
think of this song but I really love the song.
|
||
31 Fandroid! - You Signed a Contract
|
||
Cuphead music is a nice niche.
|
||
32 Laura Les - Haunted
|
||
33 WAKUSEI ABNORMAL - furare [kanji]
|
||
34 Sidhu Moose Wala - Mafia Style
|
||
35 Magdalena Bay - Mercurial World
|
||
36 quiizzzmeow, Midix - KATANA
|
||
37 Poppy - All The Things She Said
|
||
Lily (the one from Maine whom I kin) hates this cover and only
|
||
likes the original track.
|
||
38 Poppy - Fear of Dying
|
||
39 Mindless Self Indulgence - Bitches
|
||
40 Ck9c, Elizabeth Ann - You Can't Hide
|
||
41 Sleeping With Sirens - Better Off Dead
|
||
42 Marina and the Diamonds - Homewrecker
|
||
When I came back to Maine from Florida and got another Burger
|
||
King job I met this dude named Austin and told him, slowly over the course of
|
||
many shifts, about how I was going to move across the country on a whim and
|
||
that he should live for pleasure and be unafraid of taking risks. He also had
|
||
a seemingly abusive girlfriend with whom I encouraged him to break up because
|
||
she was seemingly abusive - she threatened to commit suicide when he brought up
|
||
maybe taking a break or something, made him cut off contact with his friends
|
||
and forbid him from talking with any other women, and just generally seemed
|
||
very controlling. He didn't wanna break up with her because he didn't want to
|
||
Be Single, as if that was a sordid label. I said honestly man I would rather be
|
||
single than be in that relationship. Since that, I associate this song with my
|
||
own actions. I didn't fuck him though. Not my type.
|
||
43 Marina and the Diamonds - Power & Control
|
||
44 Mindless Self Indulgence - What Do They Know?
|
||
45 Coco & Clair Clair, Okthxbb - Pretty
|
||
I used to play this song while doing reprehensible things to
|
||
others while also wearing really nice outfits. My goal was to give at least one
|
||
guy a humiliation fetish while I beat the shit out of him.
|
||
46 Breathe Carolina - Blackout
|
||
I will black out, actually - I always fall asleep 1-2 hours
|
||
after getting high. I don't get enough sleep.
|
||
47 t.A.T.u. - All The Things She Said
|
||
48 Poppy - Girls In Bikinis
|
||
One of my sidekick's best catchphrases is "God I love women".
|
||
Same, bestie.
|
||
49 100 gecs - money machine
|
||
50 TeddyLoid, Giga, LOLUET - desperate
|
||
Translated from katakana.
|
||
51 JVNLIII - Physical Self
|
||
52 Rebzyyx, hoshie star - all I want is you
|
||
|
||
Disassembled my GitHub; deleted the last few remaining repositories, made my
|
||
account private, and changed the username to trn1ty as well as cleared some
|
||
info boxes. Fuck proprietary services.
|
||
|
||
|
||
/blah/2023-12-02.html
|
||
|
||
depression sterilized
|
||
1 Lipps Inc. - Funkytown
|
||
The first time I heard this song I was probably very young and
|
||
listening to 70s radio on a real, FM radio, which is now somewhat rare in a
|
||
world of Spotify (the platform on which I made this playlist in 2015-2017) and
|
||
FLACs. But I grew up with this song on Windows XP, using the On-Line Radio
|
||
feature in Windows Media Player to stream Laut FM, which I think is a German
|
||
radio station. Laut's cut of Funkytown was, in my faint decade-since
|
||
recollection, only the verses and not the choruses? Which seems wrong but is
|
||
what I remember. I would play PrxCraft, Project X Craft, I think named after
|
||
Project X Zone, a popular video game, which was at the time still administered
|
||
by KevinEssence. After he lost a lot of money gambling in CsGoLotto or whatever
|
||
it was he sold the Minecraft server to some other entity and it passed through
|
||
many hands and lost value each time, much like Tumblr. PrxCraft had Factions,
|
||
essentially typical Survival-mode Minecraft, and I think some other cool game
|
||
modes, but my favorite was Skygrid which left you on a grid of blocks in the
|
||
sky to slowly find resources and build out an almost normal-looking farm.
|
||
Microsoft Windows XP had, and later Windows didn't, the ability to
|
||
place the music controls on the taskbar itself for Windows Media Player so you
|
||
could control the music from any other app. It was snazzy stuff at the time
|
||
though Linux kids were doing way cooler stuff.
|
||
2 Pink Floyd - Time
|
||
3 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Do It All The Time
|
||
4 Paramore - Hard Times
|
||
5 Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
|
||
6 Eagles - Hotel California
|
||
7 The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
|
||
8 Bobby "Boris" Pickett, The Crypt-Kickers - Monster Mash
|
||
9 Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
|
||
10 Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
|
||
11 The Andrews Sisters - Rum and Coca Cola
|
||
12 Guster - Great Escape
|
||
13 America, George Martin - A Horse with No Name
|
||
14 The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
|
||
15 Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
|
||
16 Horace Silver - Song For My Father
|
||
In high school I had a crush on a jazz band bass player and at
|
||
a band concert the jazz band played this song with his part very noticeable and
|
||
some improv near the end. I wanted to know the song well so I could impress him
|
||
somehow by knowing of it. High schooler logic. I did eventually get with his
|
||
twin brother through a very complicated and convoluted chain of happenings
|
||
nobody really expected.
|
||
17 Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
|
||
18 M.I.A. - Paper Planes
|
||
19 R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
|
||
I had this tape which is why I love this album so much. My cell
|
||
phone died whenever it got chilly, which is a common occurence in Maine, but my
|
||
Walkman kept trudging through whatever I threw at it whether rain, sleet, or
|
||
snow. My first tapes were (in this order) Blue Hawai'i, Monster, Awesome Mix
|
||
Vol. 1, and Goldfly. The first two found at a thrift store along with a shitty
|
||
wowing cassette player (which I scrapped soon after purchasing) and the second
|
||
two I wrote to tape by first burning CDs and then using a Sony combination
|
||
boombox.
|
||
20 Genesis - Land of Confusion
|
||
This was my Current Events teacher's favorite song.
|
||
21 The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin
|
||
22 The Licks - Lavender Kiss
|
||
This was the favorite song of an Anonymous person I was talking
|
||
to on-line. They were in my area, I think, but we never met.
|
||
23 R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
|
||
24 Peking Duk - Wasted
|
||
25 The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
|
||
I got this out of a LinusTechTips YouTube video about making
|
||
art for one's self and the love of creation.
|
||
26 Childish Gambino - Sober
|
||
27 Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
|
||
28 Caroline Rose - Soul No. 5
|
||
She opened for Guster and I bought the tape of Loser. Really
|
||
good album, I used to stay up late to listen to it.
|
||
29 The Beatles - Helter Skelter
|
||
I saw Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie sing this together on the
|
||
second Twins of Evil tour.
|
||
30 Charli XCX, Troye Sivan - 1999
|
||
31 AWOLNATION - Table for One
|
||
They opened for Panic! at the Disco.
|
||
32 The Killers - Mr. Brightside
|
||
33 Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
|
||
34 Credence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
|
||
35 Flatsound - If We Could Just Pretend
|
||
I've probably cried to this song more than half the times I've
|
||
heard it. The guitar tabs are easy and I've cried while playing it, too.
|
||
36 Justice - D.A.N.C.E
|
||
37 Dire Straights - Money for Nothing
|
||
38 Beach Bunny - Prom Queen
|
||
39 Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
|
||
40 Michael Gray - The Weekend
|
||
41 Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
|
||
Heard on 1470 WLAM but also as the end song in Granite Flats.
|
||
42 Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
|
||
43 half alive - still feel.
|
||
44 Radiohead - Videotape
|
||
This song fills me with raw emotion and I can't bear to listen
|
||
to it anymore. I skip it when it comes on after the rest of In Rainbows.
|
||
45 Elton John - I'm Still Standing
|
||
|
||
I'm deleting my Spotify. No more proprietary services.
|
||
|
||
++work
|
||
1 Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
|
||
I impressed the rest of the kids at science camp by making our
|
||
Lego EV3 bot play this song while doing the rest of what it was supposed to be
|
||
doing. This playlist was my learning to program playlist.
|
||
2 Boney M. - Rasputin
|
||
3 TOTO - Africa
|
||
4 Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
|
||
I got this from a Rick and Morty trailer. This felt really real
|
||
to me because by this point I had done some jarring stuff on the Internet.
|
||
5 Guster - Great Escape
|
||
I love this song.
|
||
6 Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
|
||
7 Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
|
||
8 Justice - D.A.N.C.E
|
||
9 Michael Gray - The Weekend
|
||
10 Oliver Tree - Fuck
|
||
I loved Oliver Tree who was recommended to me by a friend in
|
||
Saudi Arabia. I heard he took tabs of his music off some guitar sites recently
|
||
though so that's a bummer.
|
||
11 Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
|
||
I've seen the 2010 movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World many times
|
||
and love it. Haven't read the comic or seen the anime though.
|
||
12 Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
|
||