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#!/bin/sh
#llllmmmm11234567892123456789312345678941234567895123456789612345678971234567890
# vim: syntax=:ts=8
set -ex
<"$0" python3 -c '
import os, sys
class File:
attributes = []; content = ""; substitutions = dict()
figurative = True; stub = True
def addattribute(self, *args):
for a in args: # sloppy but works
if a == "stub": self.stub = True
elif a == "verbatim": self.stub = False
elif a == "figuratively": self.figurative = True
elif a == "literally": self.figurative = False
def __init__(self, **kwargs):
for key in kwargs:
if key == "attributes": self.addattribute(*kwargs[key])
else: setattr(self, key, kwargs[key])
files = dict()
for part in reversed(sys.stdin.read().split("\n\n\n")):
name = "." + part.split("\n")[0]
if "\t" in "." + name:
attributes = name.split("\t")[1].split(",")
name = name.split("\t")[0]
else: attributes = []
if len(name) <= 1 or name[1] != "/" or "ignore" in attributes:
continue
content = part.split("\n\n")[0].split("\n")
substitutions = dict()
if(len(content) > 1):
for s in content[1:]:
s = s.split("\t")
if len(s) == 2: substitutions[s[0]] = s[1]
mode = "replace"
for attribute in attributes:
if attribute in ["append", "replace"]:
mode = attribute
attributes = list(set(attributes) ^ {"append", "replace"})
content = part[len("\n".join(content))+2:]
file = File(attributes = attributes, content = content + "\n",
substitutions = substitutions)
if mode == "append":
if not(name in files):
sys.stderr.write(sys.argv[0] + ": " + name + ": "
+ "appending to nothing\n")
else:
file.content = files[name].content + file.content
files[name] = file
for name in files:
if files[name].stub:
p = ""; s = ""; d = name
while True:
d = os.path.dirname(d)
if (p == ""
and os.path.join(d, "Prefix")
in files.keys()):
p = files[os.path.join(d, "Prefix")].content
if (s == ""
and os.path.join(d, "Suffix")
in files.keys()):
s = files[os.path.join(d, "Suffix")].content
if d == "." or (not(p == "") and not(s == "")):
break
files[name].content = p + files[name].content + s
if files[name].figurative:
content = files[name].content
for s in files[name].substitutions:
instances = []
i = 0
while True:
instance = content.find(s, i)
if instance == -1: break
instances += [instance]
i = instance + len(s)
if len(instances) == 0: continue
for i in reversed(instances):
content = (content[:i]
+ files[name].substitutions[s]
+ content[i+len(s):])
files[name].content = content
# TODO error checking
if not(os.path.isdir(os.path.dirname(name))):
os.makedirs(os.path.dirname(name))
with open(name, "w") as fd: fd.write(files[name].content)
d = ""; bucket = "#!/bin/sh\n"
for name in files:
d = name
while True:
if os.path.dirname(d) == ".":
mop = ("rm "
+ "-r " * os.path.isdir(d)
+ name # yeah this sucks
+ "\n"
)
if not(mop in bucket): bucket += mop
break
else:
d = os.path.dirname(d)
if len(bucket.split("\n")) > 2:
with open("./cleanup.sh", "w") as fd:
fd.write(bucket)
'
test -x homepage.local \
&& exec ./homepage.local \
|| test -e homepage.local \
&& exec sh ./homepage.local \
|| exit 0
/CNAME verbatim
www.trinity.moe
/BANNER.txt verbatim
/\ |/||\|| _\|||\ |||||/||\|\\// |\ /|/ \||\|
/ \ || || /|||\\|||| || || ||\/|| | ||>
/____\ _||__||\\||||\\|||__||_ _||_()||\/||\_/||/|
/license.html
<P>Except where noted, www.trinity.moe is available under the Blue Oak Model
License 1.0.0 as defined below.</P>
<PRE>
Blue Oak Model License, Version 1.0.0
Purpose
This license gives everyone as much permission to work with this
software as possible, while protecting contributors from liability.
Acceptance
In order to receive this license, you must agree to its rules. The
rules of this license are both obligations under that agreement and conditions
to your license. You must not do anything with this software that triggers a
rule that you cannot or will not follow.
Copyright
Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
would otherwise infringe that contributor's copyright in it.
Notices
You must ensure that everyone who gets a copy of any part of this
software from you, with or without changes, also gets the text of this license
or a link to <https://blueoakcouncil.org/license/1.0.0>.
Excuse
If anyone notifies you in writing that you have not complied with the
Notices, you can keep your license by taking all practical steps to comply
within 30 days after the notice. If you do not do so, your license ends
immediately.
Patent
Each contributor licenses you to do everything with this software that
would otherwise infringe any patent claims they can license or become able to
license.
Reliability
No contributor can revoke this license.
No Liability
As far as the law allows, this software comes as is, without any
warranty or condition, and no contributor will be liable to anyone for any
damages related to this software or this license, under any kind of legal
claim.
</PRE>
/homepage.html
$!TITLE &quot;homepage&quot; documentation
$!DESCRIPTION one file, one website
<H1>&quot;homepage&quot; documentation</H1>
<H2>the forest</H2>
<P>
homepage is a single-file static site generator written in UNIX sh(1) shell
script, the goal being to contain a website with heirarchical page
organization within a single file that can be run to extract it out to the
filesystem, almost like a self-extracting UNIX tape archive that documents its
own layout in a UTF-8 script closer to English.
</P>
<H2>trees</H2>
<H3>files</H3>
<P>
To add a file to your homepage, append three newlines ('\n', or the
Enter/Return key on your keyboard) to the end of the homepage file, followed
by the path of the file to add. A homepage file path starts with a slash ('/')
and is followed by the path to the file relative to the prefix directory (the
directory containing homepage). A file path that starts with a hash ('#') is
discarded. For all non-slash- non-hash- prefixed file paths, the behavior of
homepage is undefined.
</P>
<H4>file attributes</H4>
<P>
On the same line as the file path, if, after the path, a tab ('\t') is
present, the substring following the first tab in the line and spanning to
and excluding the next tab or newline describes the attributes of the file as
it is exported to the file system. These file attributes are delimited by
commas (',') and there's no limit to the amount of attributes a file can
have, though in the event of conflicting attributes the later attribute
"wins" the conflict.
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>attribute</TH> <TH>default?</TH><TH>action</TH></TR>
<TR><TD>"figuratively"</TD><TD>yes</TD>
<TD>Indicates the file should be subject to macro expansion.</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>"ignore"</TD> <TD>no</TD> <TD>Ignore the current entry.</TD>
</TR>
<TR><TD>"literally"</TD> <TD>no</TD>
<TD>Opposite of "figuratively".</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>"stub"</TD> <TD>yes</TD>
<TD>Indicates the file should be exported to the filesystem with the
appropriate Prefix and Suffix files prepended or appended.</TD>
</TR>
<TR><TD>"verbatim"</TD> <TD>no</TD> <TD>Opposite of "stub".</TD></TR>
</TABLE>
/x200t/index.html
$!TITLE Thinkpad X200 Tablet
<SCRIPT TYPE="application/javascript">//<!--
window.onload = window.initializesheets;
//--></SCRIPT>
<H1>Thinkpad X200 Tablet</H1>
<H3>updated 2022-08-11</H3>
<HR ALIGN="left" SIZE="1" WIDTH="25%" />
<P>Contents</P>
<UL>
<LI><A HREF="#seealso" >See also</A></LI>
<LI><A HREF="#camera" >Integrated camera</A></LI>
<LI><A HREF="#drive" >SATA drive</A></LI>
<LI><A HREF="#drivecaddy" >Drive caddy</A></LI>
<LI><A HREF="#memory" >Memory</A></LI>
<LI><A HREF="#screws" >Screws</A></LI>
<LI><A HREF="#software" >Software</A></LI>
<LI><A HREF="#stylus" >Stylus</A></LI>
</UL>
<P ID="seealso">See also</P><UL>
<LI><A HREF="https://wiki.archlinux.org/title/Lenovo_ThinkPad_X200">Lenovo Thinkpad X200</A> (Arch Wiki)</LI>
<LI><A HREF="https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Thinkpad X200 Tablet and X201 Tablet Hardware Maintenance Manual (fifth edition)</A> (<A HREF="https://web.archive.org/web/20210203043936/https://download.lenovo.com/pccbbs/mobiles_pdf/45n3683_04.pdf">Archive link</A>)</LI>
<LI><A HREF="https://linux-hardware.org/?view=computers&model=ThinkPad+X200+Tablet+(All)">Thinkpad X200 Tablet (All)</A> (Linux Hardware Database)</LI>
<LI><A HREF="https://www.thinkwiki.org/wiki/Category:X200_Tablet">X200 Tablet Overview</A> (Thinkwiki)</LI>
</UL>
<H2 ID="camera">Integrated camera</H2>
<P>
This is FRU 2060 in the hardware maintenance manual.
</P>
<P>
Some models have the camera, some don't.
It will be in the middle of the top of the screen bezel (looking at the screen with the <I>lenovo</I> logo oriented normally); some have a black plastic trapezoidal cover, some have the camera option.
Camera kits are available on-line for the X200 Tablet for around US$15 or so at time of writing.
</P>
<H2 ID="drive">SATA drive</H2>
<P>As far as I know, any 2.5" SATA laptop-sized drive will work.</P>
<P>
To replace the drive, locate the drive cover between the stylus holder and RJ-11 modem port on the right side of the laptop.
Unscrew the screw holding in the cover, to which the hard drive icon on the bottom of the laptop under the stylus holder is pointing.
Lift out the cover and there the drive will be exposed.
</P>
<H2 ID="drivecaddy">Hard drive caddy</H2>
<P>
Most of the eBay listings for X200 Tablets don't have hard drive covers or caddies.
You will want a caddy because it makes it much easier to get a drive out, and because it spaces out the drive in the space provided and provides some (minimal) amount of shock protection.
This is especially good for hard disks as you don't want those moving around in your laptop chassis, even if there's no risk of them being disconnected.
</P>
<P>
In a <I>pinch</I> you can use cardboard to space out a drive.
I made out okay using folded cardstock given that my X200 Tablet was going nowhere except my desk.
You should <I>not</I> do this for long periods, not really because there's some risk that increases as time wears on but just because in general it's stupid.
</P>
<P>
The same rubber rails that go around the hard drive, and the same metal thing that you screw onto the drive that has the black ribbon attached used to pull the drive out, are used for the X200, X200S, X200 Tablet, X201, X201S, X201 Tablet, T420, T420S, T430, and T430S, as far as I know.
Rubber rails for the X220 Tablet did not work, nor did the bay cover for the X220 Tablet work for the X200 Tablet.
</P>
<H2 ID="memory">Memory</H2>
<P>
This is FRU 1040 DIMM in the hardware maintenance manual.
The system memory modules and the access panel <I>only</I> have to be removed if the modules specifically are being replaced or if the system mainboard is getting replaced.
</P>
<P>
<A HREF="https://thinkpads.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=43&t=113310">RealBlackStuff says</A>
the X200 Tablet is compatible with <CODE>DDR3-1066 (PC3-8500)</CODE> and <CODE>DDR3-1333 (PC3-10600)</CODE>.
It's possible to have 8GB memory installed.
<A HREF="https://www.ebay.com/usr/laptopused">eBay seller laptopused</A> correlates that <CODE>DDR3-1333</CODE> dual-rank memory should work.
Apparently for technical reasons the X200 Tablet must take 2Rx8 memory; two ranks of eight chips, and for 8GB memory, 256MB per chip (divide 8192MB by 2 modules * 2 ranks * 8 chips).
</P>
<P>
OEM-configured laptops can have <CODE>DDR3-1066</CODE> memory from Elpida or Samsung.
<A HREF="https://www.laptopmag.com/reviews/laptops/lenovo-thinkpad-x200-tablet">Laptop Mag says</A> the laptop came with 2GB RAM by default and is upgradeable to 4GB but most laptops for sale secondhand have 4GB memory installed.
Types 7449-43U and 7450-EYU came with 2x2GB <CODE>DDR3-1066 SO-DIMM (PC3-8500)</CODE>.
</P>
<P>
I got in touch with eBay seller <A HREF="https://ebay.com/seller?sid=woosterpsu">woosterpsu</A> who was auctioning off an X200 Tablet to benefit the Electronic Frontier Foundation with 8GB RAM installed and reported in the BIOS.
The seller sent me an image of the installed memory: a Hynix 4GB 2Rx8 PC3-10600S and a Dell P/N SNPX830DC/4G, both scavenged from other laptops.
These are <I>confirmed working</I> in a Core2 Duo L9400 X200 Tablet.
</P>
<H2 ID="screws">Screws</H2>
<P>
Per the hardware maintenance manual (page 225), the following screws are necessary for full assembly of the X200 Tablet:
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>Quantity</TH> <TH>Head</TH> <TH>Length</TH> <TH>Style</TH> <TH>Color</TH> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M1.6</TD> <TD>6mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>2.5mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>11</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3mm</TD> <TD>Flat head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>18</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3.5mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3.5mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>3</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>6mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Silver</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>13</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>6mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3mm</TD> <TD>Stud (height=4.2mm)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M2</TD> <TD>3mm</TD> <TD>Stud (height=5.5mm)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>6</TD> <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>6mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>9</TD> <TD>M2.5</TD> <TD>8mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>1</TD> <TD>M3</TD> <TD>3mm</TD> <TD>Wafer head (HDD screw)</TD> <TD>Black</TD> </TR>
</TABLE>
<P>
Additionally listed are 9 circular screw caps and 6 square screw caps.
</P>
<P>
Two screw kits are listed with part numbers <CODE>45N3139</CODE> and <CODE>60Y4164</CODE>.
The difference is that <CODE>45N3139</CODE> has one more M2x3.5mm silver wafer head screw listed (18 versus 17).
<CODE>45N3139</CODE>'s contents in particular are reflected in the table above.
</P>
<P>On page 79 of the hardware maintenance manual some very rarely-noted screw notices are listed that are worth repeating, though it's up to the maintainer to follow the practices they so choose:</P>
<UL>
<LI>Always use new screws. (This is repeated earlier in the page; according to the manual, ThinkPad Notebooks have "special nylon-coated screws" that should be used only once.)</LI>
<LI>Use a torque screwdriver if you have one.</LI>
<LI>When tightening plastic against plastic, turn an additional 90 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
<LI>When tightening logic cards against plastic, turn an additional 180 degrees after the screw head touches the surface of the plastic part.</LI>
<LI>If you have a torque driver, refer to the "Torque" column for each step.</LI>
<LI>
Make sure that you use the correct screw.
If you have a torque screwdriver, tighten all screws firmly to the torque shown in the table.
<B>Never use a screw that you removed. Use a new one. Make sure that all of the screws are tightened firmly.</B>
</LI>
</UL>
<H2 ID="software">Software</H2>
<P>
For some procedures in the hardware maintenance manual a ThinkPad Hardware Maintenance Diskette is needed.
This was available only to licensed dealers.
</P>
<P>
Here's a chart of executable names relevant to the X200 Tablet as provided from Lenovo and their product names.
A lot of this is sourced from hearsay and olden lore so it may not be fully accurate, and definitely isn't complete.
Also, I trimmed down redundant sections of product names - for example, <CODE>7wuj45uc.iso</CODE> is actually <I>BIOS Update Bootable CD <B>for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP - ThinkPad</B></I> but if it's bootable itself operating system compatibility likely doesn't matter.
</P>
<TABLE>
<TR><TH>Executable</TH> <TH>Product name</TH> <TH>Version</TH> </TR>
<TR><TD>6itr02ww.zip</TD> <TD>BIOS Settings Capture/Playback Utility</TD> <TD>4.01</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>7wuj45uc.iso</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Bootable CD</TD> <TD>3.21</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>7wuj45u6.exe</TD> <TD>BIOS Update Utility for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit), Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>3.21</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>6ea118ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Driver for Windows Vista (32-bit, 64-bit), XP</TD> <TD>4.92.15.0 / 3.64.15.0</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>6ea160ww.exe</TD> <TD>Conexant Audio Software for Windows 7 (32-bit, 64-bit)</TD> <TD>4.92.12.0</TD></TR>
<TR><TD>maint150.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.50</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>maint160.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.60</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>maint169.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.69</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm23us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.75</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm25us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.77</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm37us.exe</TD> <TD>Unknown</TD> <TD>Unknown</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>i7tm38us.exe</TD> <TD>IBM Thinkpad Hardware Maintenance Diskette (HMD)</TD> <TD>1.89</TD> </TR>
<TR><TD>83ts04ww.exe</TD> <TD>ThinkPad BIOS Settings for Windows 7 (32-bit), Vista (32-bit), XP, 2000</TD> <TD>3.03</TD></TR>
</TABLE>
<P>
Lenovo's X200 Tablet downloads won't last forever.
Here's a JavaScript that allows a user to download arbitrary executables from Lenovo's download servers.
</P>
<INPUT ID="executable" VALUE="i7tm38us.exe" />
<INPUT ONCLICK="window.location.href = 'http://download.lenovo.com/ibmdl/pub/pc/pccbbs/mobiles/' + document.getElementById('executable').value;" TYPE="button" VALUE="Download" />
<P>The following operating systems were available pre-installed by the OEM, depending on the variant:</P>
<UL>
<LI>Microsoft Windows XP Tablet (32 bit)</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (32 bit)</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Business (64 bit)</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows Vista Ultimate (32 bit</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Basic (32 bit)</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (32 bit)</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (64 bit)</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (32 bit)</LI>
<LI>Microsoft Windows 7 Professional (64 bit)</LI>
</UL>
<P>9front system usage is described in the <A HREF="http://fqa.9front.org/fqa3.html#3.2.5.2.1">9front FQA, section 3.2.5.2.1</A>.</P>
<P>Linux system usage is described in detail on the <A HREF="#seealso">Arch GNU+Linux wiki</A> - any Linux or UNIX specific knowledge I have I add to the Arch wiki rather than putting on this page.</P>
<H2 ID="stylus">Stylus</H2>
<P>
The X200 Tablet originally came with a single-button stylus with a gray "eraser".
I found some single-button stylus from eBay, with a red "eraser", and that worked too.
I have a two-button stylus that came with another X200 Tablet but it's as of yet untested.
The Fujitsu T-5000 digitizer pen does work, identically according to <CODE>xev(1)</CODE>.
</P>
<P>
<B>Do not</B> try to insert two-button Thinkpad styluses into the stylus holder of the X200 Tablet as they'll become stuck in there because of how the buttons are shaped.
To remove a stuck stylus the digitizer pen case (part number <CODE>45N3146</CODE>) must be unscrewed and removed from the chassis.
Following the hardware maintenance manual, remove FRUs "1020 Battery pack" and "1060 Keyboard" and follow steps 6 and 7 of the removal process of FRU "1180 DC-in connector, fan, digitizer pen case, and pen switch assembly".
No other FRUs need to be removed, nor do any other steps of the removal process of FRU 1180 need to be followed.
</P>
/hacker-howto/index.html
$!TITLE How to Become A Hacker
<H2>How to Become A Hacker</H2>
<H3>Deven Trinity Blake</H3>
<P><CODE>&lt;<A HREF="mailto:trinity@trinity.moe">trinity@trinity.moe</A>&gt;</CODE></P>
<P>No Copyright 🄯 2021 Deven T. Blake</P>
<HR />
<H2>Why This Document?</H2>
<P>
A lot of hackers consider Eric S. Raymond's original <A HREF="http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/hacker-howto.html"><I>How to Become A Hacker</I></A> to be definitive, for good reason.
It explains the "hacker philosophy", some key things at which one should be good, and is a good compass that points to What to Learn Next.
I myself stumbled upon the document maybe a decade or so ago, when I was a small impressionable child, and know half of what I do because of where it pointed me.
I think, however, that <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> is a bit dated, so I'm writing this to be a nice complementary piece for those to read <B>after they read esr's original</B>.
</P>
<P>
If you are reading a snapshot of this document offline, the current version lives at <A HREF="http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto">http://www.trinity.moe/hacker-howto</A>.
</P>
<H2>Basic Hacking Skills</H2>
<H3>1. Learn how to program</H3>
<P>
Python is an okay first language as long as you don't take it too seriously.
As said by smarter people than me, Python is a glue language.
It's slow and a bit basic, but its errors are often easy to solve, so do as much as you can with Python and Python libraries, and do the rest in faster languages.
</P>
<P>
Never touch Java.
Not even once.
While at one point it was promising, it's become a monstrous beast and it must be slain through attrition.
</P>
<P>
When you are good at programming you will think <I>outside</I> of programming languages.
Programming languages are tools for a job.
Some are better suited to some tasks than others.
For example, I would use C as a language for building utilities for myself, as I want them to be blisteringly fast and I know that's easier to do in C than Python.
I've written utilities in Python to know how I want them to behave, and then perfected them by rewriting them in C.
This being said, when learning a language for the first time, <I>master</I> it, <I>then</I> move on.
</P>
<H3>2. Get one of the open-source Unixes and learn to use and run it.</H3>
<P>
<B>Don't</B> try to program on Microsoft Windows.
Seriously.
This is the one mistake almost all beginners make; they'll install fifty different tools onto their MS Windows system in order to make a simple program that doesn't really work because their tutorial only works for UNIX.
Just install a Free UNIX-clone ("clone" in this context is not a bad thing; most Free UNIX-clones are much more practical in this world than the original) and learn how to work in it.
In fact, you may want to learn <I>shell</I> before anything else.
When you know how to
<OL>
<LI>Make a directory,</LI>
<LI>Make an empty file within that directory,</LI>
<LI>Overwrite the file with exactly 500B of random data,</LI>
<LI>Mark the file as executable,</LI>
<LI>Print the file to the terminal as readable, hexadecimal data,</LI>
<LI>And remove the directory and the file,</LI>
</OL>
you will know enough to start on your journey into hacking.
</P>
<P>
BSDs are awesome and I use a BSD myself, but perhaps start with Linux as there's a much bigger community to help you there.
There are no longer any good non-UNIX operating systems.
The importance of choosing a Free operating system cannot be understated.
It's hard to learn from your OS's code when your OS's code is only readable by those within the corporation that made the OS.
</P>
<P>
Don't use Ubuntu as it suffers from many of the flaws that drive non-hacker Windows users to Linux-based systems.
Instead, try Linux Mint, which is based on Ubuntu but without the more annoying issues.
</P>
<H3>3. Learn how to use the World Wide Web and write HTML.</H3>
<P>
View the source code of the original <I>How to Become A Hacker</I> and then read the source code to this webpage.
</P>
<H3>4. If you don't have functional English, learn it.</H3>
<P>
It's unfortunate that English has become the lingua franca of the Internet.
But it's true, it has, and it's more or less required learning if you want to become a hacker.
</P>
<H3>5. Learn to use a search engine.</H3>
<P>
This is my own tip.
<B>This is the most important thing on this page</B>.
How to accomplish this is an exercise left to the reader.
</P>
/style.css verbatim
@font-face {
font-family: "unscii16";
src: url("unscii-16.ttf") format("ttf"),
url("unscii-16.woff") format("woff");
}
a { color: #fff; }
body { /* copied from a textfile site because idk css */
background: #000;
color: #ffdbdb;
display: grid;
grid-template-rows: auto 1fr auto;
margin: 0 auto 0 auto;
text-align: left;
width: 80ch;
}
.txt {
font-family: "unscii16", monospace;
font-smooth: never;
-webkit-font-smoothing: none;
-moz-osx-font-smoothing: grayscale;
}
pre { /* DRY who? */
font-family: "unscii16", monospace;
font-smooth: never;
-webkit-font-smoothing: none;
-moz-osx-font-smoothing: grayscale;
}
@media (prefers-color-scheme: light) {
a { color: #000 !important; }
body { background: #eee !important;
color: #333 !important; }
}
/blah/2024-02-06.html
Read Herogasm (2010).
Read Highland Laddie (2011).
psychosecurity - relating to organizational or personal security against
psychic tampering (mind control & hypnosis, cognitoviruses
& memetics, ethereal processes, et cetera)
I want to proteinmax and get lots of muscle so I taste really good when I'm
killed and eaten. I'm at 7.5lbs on biceps curls but I think I might be close to
being able to move up to 10, though I think my form is wrong. I want a gym
membership.
Typing on the HHKB is still pure sex all these moons later.
I can't think of much to say, my life is a bit mundane lately.
Watching someone text and drive at the same time.
I got a sweater so now I can dress like Andy from The Coffin of Andy and
Leyley. Now I just need my hair dyed black. I swore that would be one of the
first things I'd do upon arriving to this new land but money ain't for nothing
and the chicks sure as hell ain't free.
serotonin softly stole
by postage acid-dipped and sold
lab made a buck
are your eyes wide enough
that you can see life unfold?
I think ESP is going to be an actual security issue within the next hundred
years but I wouldn't bet on it. I do think fringe ether stuff like that is
possible.
1346
"Wow, you're really tense."
Read Butcher, Baker, Candlestickmaker (2011).
Read Hanging Not Punishment Enough (1701).
Read The GNU Manifesto (2008).
Read Evil Maid Just Got Angrier (2013).
Read PRINCE - Modern Password Guessing Algorithm (2014).
Read Measuring Real-World Innacuracies and Biases in Modeling Password
Guessability (2015).
Yeah I'm really fucking tense. I thought I heard something getting out of the
shower so I drew my (3 inch - pathetic) knife and cleared the corridor kitchen
and living room just like old times. Nothing of course. C'est ne rien.
I want so bad to fucking kill someone. Anyone. I miss the feeling of quickening
pulse beating against my palms and then its slowing and cessation. I come from
a land where gazelles grazed freely in the pairie, unaware their world could
end.
My memories of my former land blur together into one montage of death and life
and love and hell. I remember beating the shit out of- that's not believeable,
I don't believe it. I remember hotboxing my manager's car, habitually. Smoking
everyone else's weed. Being owed a thousand dollars by someone who tried to
strand me in Manhattan. Getting a PS2, giving it to people I thought I liked,
realizing. Getting a Gamecube, loving it, realizing I didn't have anyone with
which to play it, selling it for much less than for which I bought it. Getting
a Wii when I was very young, treasuring it, letting it collect dust as I moved
on to handheld pastures, finding it again, using ponyhax to homebrew it,
treasuring it, sending it along to someone I still think is cool.
I dislike most people I used to know, especially in hindsight. I can't believe
the things I did, nor can anyone else. I tried my damndest to not get any scars
because when I was done what I was doing I wanted to be Done - not marked by my
past. I wore a big, heavy jacket, and big, heavy pants, and big, heavy boots,
and they all got beat to shit really quickly but kept me alright in them. All I
have now are marks from old roadrash and a couple dozen burns on my arms from
work and play. And how did you get in so much trouble if you don't have any
scars...
Cryptanalysts have the upper hand.
/blah/2024-02-04.html
Read The Boys Omnibus 1 (2009).
Read The Boys Omnibus 2 (2010).
I'm counting each of these as a book because they were like 500-600 pages each.
6/100.
2024-02-02
there's something gross about my liver
think my brain's gonna decay
I'm twitching, can't steady my fingers
organs filled; contaminate
I need a drink, oh god I'm dying
I'm fucking dying of this thirst
I think withdrawal's gonna kill me
that is, if I don't kill me first
I need to sanitize my kidneys
need to sterilize my flesh
give me something I can swallow
as the draught runs to my chest
I know it's what you wanted
saw you building up a set
of surgical supplies so you can
dissect me once I'm dead
you know when someone leaves a party
you can talk about them without fear
I never really gave a shit
I'll talk shit when they're here
is that how you will mourn me
when my picture sits on my box
after all the pain that I've made
will my stone say mother fuck
her all she ever did was drink and
bet and fuck and smoke and hurt
all she ever did was lie around
waiting for someone to save her
/blah/2024-02-02.html
Broke up with my girlfriend. Single. Next question.
Read Recursive Programming (1960).
Read A Speech to IBM Field Engineering Branch Managers (1967).
Read Go To Statement Considered Harmful (1968).
Read MIT Guide to Lock Picking (1991).
Read The Code Book (1999).
Read Drive (2005) yesterday.
I'm gonna count the MIT Guide, the Code Book, and Drive as books, bringing my
year's total read books up to 4/100. Pretty sure I'm not gonna make it to 100.
/blah/2024-01-21.html
: hungover diaries
0734 wake up go back to sleep
0800 alarm. ding. text girlfriend. sleep.
0805 alarm. ding
0810 alarm. i'm up i read articles about the spanish (i think) football
president or whatever forcibly kissing a player and getting booted from
football itself (they can do that?). it was hyperlinked from a
web3isgoinggreat site or whatever. neato.
0830 regretting things i messaged people last night but also some of what i
messaged was really sweet. hemingway was right
0840 kettle on stove water in pot heat in burner
0845 pouring green tea. before this also i unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher
because we forgot to do it last night (can you guess why)
0850 timer's up, add milk (oat), consider adding vodka, no trin that's why that
fucker from maine still owes you $80
0900 check bus time tables, sit down, play some angry birds on the 3ds. why was
angry birds on the 3ds? we were watching jacksfilms and one of the skits
had angry birds in it
0910 start writing
I am not extremely hungover because I drank a shit ton of water last night,
probably 2-3 liters. I also never really blacked out or did things that were
against my inhibitions. But I also didn't drink a whole lot anyway.
While drinking last night I was overcome with waves of joy so intense I
collapsed and couldn't help myself laughing and rolling on the ground, feeling
the vinyl floor underneath my back.
I've finished my tea and it was really good so I'm making another one. I put
four tea bags in my pocket so I could make green tea at work too.
really the lilies on the ocean floor
would drown in the salt of the churning sea shore
the tide would come swallow the petals in foam
and draw lily petals away from their loam
if i had a mill'on and ni-ne-ty two
dollars i'd hide them in calcified tombs
wooden and brass chests buried on the beach
so i could suffocate my slow-rottin peach
and all of the lillies in under the sea
and all of the flowers drowning in the deep
and all of the orchids awash in the waves
and all of the fruits of the labors of slaves
and all of the gold buried in the ocean
and all of the riches hoarded from their friends
and all of the rockets that reach for the stars
and terraformed rocks glowing red from afar
the rich and the few terrorize many who
would rather send riches so far from the view
of innocent bunches collected for quite
an innocent task, helping others get by
for where there's no gold there's no greed any all
for where there's no wine there's no fight any all
for where there's no load there's no weight any all
for where there's no pain there's no death any all
really the beauty that lounges in calm
dissappears when there is conflict in the song
really the beauty that i've tried to save
rots in its darkness until it's too late
if i had a million and ninety two
dollars i'd find and kill those bastards who
have more money than i and keep it on lock
then i'd burn it and then i'd bury myself
in oil and then i'd fly myself away
to a hot red rock in the middle of space
just to ensure that the ashes themselves
are kept from those who would remake my lived hell
/blah/2024-01-20.html
: why mm(1)
I started working on mm(1) probably around 2020-2021, when I was first
acquainting myself with the inner workings of UNIX-like operating systems which
I had been using for a couple years by then. I can't remember how I noticed it
but it bothered me that there was this cat(1p) utility which took multiple
input files and streamed them successively to standard output:
[ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
|_______ | _______|
_|_|_|_
| |
|cat(1p)|
|_______|
|
V
standard output
And then this tee(1p) utility which took from standard input and streamed its
bytes to multiple outputs:
standard input
V
___|___
| |
|tee(1p)|
|_______|
______| | |__________
| | |
[ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...
And they were separate utilities despite both doing the job of writing input(s)
to output(s). I imagined a hypothetical utility mm(1) that does it all:
[ input ] [ input ] [ input ]...
|_______ | _______|
_|_|_|_
| |
| mm(1) |
|_______|
______| | |__________
| | |
[ output ] [ output ] [ output ]...
And attempted to write this magical "mm" (as in, "middleman") utility that
would act as a "middleman" for streams before giving up (due to lack of C or
POSIX API experience) for a couple years to practice making easier programs in
UNIX environments.
There are a couple reasons to implement cat(1p) and tee(1p) as separate
utilities:
1) Ease of implementation
Differentiating input arguments from output arguments would require
either having a separator mark (which would be ineligant and exclude
that mark from being a useable file name) or option parsing.
Imagine a separator mark in the context of a hypothetical utility
insouts(1):
$ PS1='\n$ '
$ insouts -h
Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)
$ printf %s\\n hello\ world
hello world
$ printf %s\\n hello\ world >in1
$ insouts <in1
hello world
$ insouts in1 ][ out1
$ insouts <out1
hello world
$ insouts <in1 >][
$ insouts ][ ][ /dev/stdout
Usage: insouts (input...) "][" (output...)
$ insouts ./][ ][ /dev/stdout
hello world
What a mess! The file ][ can no longer easily be used with insouts(1),
which may be acceptable (it's not a sensible file name anyway), but
it's sacrificed for horrendously ugly syntax featuring stressfully
unmatched square brackets.
I've written programs that have used separator marks for arguments,
namely pscat(1), psrelay(1), and psroute(1) so far, and there are a
number of additional caveats that come with their particular flavor of
marker and I've been hesitant about the syntax since I came up with it
half a year ago. Best not to make more things about which to fret.
Now imagine option parsing:
$ PS1='\n$ '
$ insouts
Usage: insouts (-i [input])... (-o [output])...
$ insouts -i in1
hello world
$ insouts -i in1 -i ][ -i out1
hello world
hello world
hello world
This works for everything and is how mm(1) works. The issue is with
regards to code itself. Imagine a very basic cat(1) implementation in
C:
#include <stdio.h>
int main(int argc, char *argv[]){
int c;
FILE *f;
int i;
for(i = 1; i < argc; ++i){
if((f = fopen(argv[i])) == NULL){
perror(argv[i]);
return 1;
}
while((c = getc(f)) != EOF)
putchar(c);
fclose(f);
}
}
This doesn't conform to POSIX (which requires 'cat -u' to be supported)
but illustrates the ease of using cat(1)'s arguments: For each
argument, open it as a file, write it out, close it, and that's it.
mm(1)'s option parsing for '-i' and '-o' alone, as of writing, are 24
lines alone, excluding the functions they call. The above program is 16
lines of code. This weight does also come from supporting "-" as a
euphemism for /dev/stdin or /dev/stdout depending on whether it was
used for '-i' or '-o' and trying to create an output file if it doesn't
exist and without these two features that are unsupported by the above
program the code for '-i' and '-o' would be considerably lighter, but
the point is that option parsing adds complexity that can be avoided by
simply having two utilities.
Furthermore, options have drawbacks for users.
2) Ease of use
One relatively common use of cat(1p) is to catenate all files matching
a glob pattern. Imagine:
$ PS1='\n$ '
$ ls
in1
in2
in3
$ cat <in1
hello
$ cat <in2
world
$ cat <in3
!!!
$ cat in*
hello
world
!!!
This use becomes much more tedious with argument parsing:
$ for f in in*; do mm -i "$f"; done
hello
world
!!!
And is difficult when it comes to multiple outputs rather than inputs,
like tee(1p):
$ ls
in1
in2
in3
$ touch out1 out2 out3
$ ls
in1
in2
in3
out1
out2
out3
$ cat in* | tee out*
$ cat <out2
hello
world
!!!
$ for f in out*; do for g in in*; do mm -i "$g"; done >"$f"; done
$ mm <out2
hello
world
!!!
3) Separation of concepts
cat(1p) accepts inputs. tee(1p) accepts outputs. It's possible to pipe
cat(1p) to tee(1p) to glean the benefits of multiple inputs and
multiple outputs without mm(1).
So why on earth should cat(1p) and tee(1p) be supported by the same utility?
Both cat(1p) and tee(1p) according to POSIX must support options, necessitating
the use of getopt(3p) from <unistd.h>. While '-i' and '-o' are 24 lines in
total, the rest of the options logic is necessary for cat(1p) and tee(1p) and
is unavoidable and outweighs the '-i' and '-o' options, plus much of the '-i'
and '-o' logic is still necessary in both cat(1p) and tee(1p) (supporting "-"
and, in tee(1p)'s case, creating an output if it doesn't exist). Though there
is additional memory juggling due to supporting arbitrary inputs and outputs,
in most uses actual memory use isn't noticeably affected (10 extra bytes for 5
file arguments, or one tenth of the data used by this parenthetical statement).
It is possible to write implementations of cat(1p) and tee(1p) in POSIX shell
script as wrappers on mm(1) and I have done so, so users who want to use globs
can simply call cat or tee as usual.
mm -i input -o output tends to be intuitive for existing shell users once they
learn the name "middleman".
/blah/2024-01-17.html
Read American Psycho (1991). I need a cigarette really, really bad.
I can't afford to renew my SourceHut account right now so these blog posts are
going up on my wobsite in A Bit, whenever I get around to manually building
them. I might set up a build server on feeling.murderu.us for small jobs but I
don't know. I also want to set up a proper VPS for trinity.moe but $60/year
(for Capsul) is a hell of a lot more than $20/year for SourceHut.
It feels weird to have long fingernails.
The Japanese Zen monk tradition according to No Recipe (2018) which someone
with which I'm staying is reading is to not have animals killed specifically
for you but always eat what you are served. I interpret this as well-spirited
and not a rule to dance around, having others act as go-betweens, because that
would suck. I sort of like this and have been rethinking veganism because it is
really inconvenient to have to restrict others' treatment of me; that is, I
can't eat meat that was prepared for me by people who don't know I'm vegan.
Most people don't have a good conception of what is and isn't vegan and will
serve me things that aren't vegan unknowingly.
I wish everyone was vegan but I don't wish to impose my will on others.
I feel shame at the notion that I have eaten something that died, except when
it comes to humans, at which notion I instead feel powerful, because I'm fucked
in the head.
/blah/2024-01-12.html
Read Finding the Still Point (2007).
/blah/2024-01-03.html
states to which i've been
- Maine
- New Hampshire
- Massachusetts
- Vermont
- Rhode Island
- Connecticut
- New York
- New Jersey
- Delaware
- Maryland
- Virginia
- North Carolina
- South Carolina
- Georgia
- Florida
- Pennysylvania
- Ohio
- Indiana
- Illinois
- Missouri
- Kansas
- Colorado
/blah/2024-01-01.html
This year my goal is to read 100 books. I'm digging into the 1980 book Coded
Character Sets, History and Development first, a 535 page tome that is luckily
mostly figures and diagrams. I'm 72 pages into it and it's written not too
dryly which is good because the subject matter is boring as shit (the
ratification of ASCII). Not actually very boring, something that is relevant to
work being done on Bonsai, but still just a slog. I consider it required
reading, though. I think after this I'm gonna read some comics though counting
books will be tricky (per issue? per volume? per arc? per compendium?).
I read No Longer Human (1948) after having already read the Ito adaptation
which was in comparison total dogshit. Read the original only.
I'm applying to another, different fast food joint, for the referral bonus. I
love money.
I'm tracking my cash flow in/out. Let's see how long that lasts.
I stopped biting my nails. That Will last because I've always hated that I do.
I haven't had any Monsters since 2023-12-22.
Hopefully I can keep all of this going. But if I keep just one it'll be good
enough for me.
2022-05-18
: /etc/motd
Welcome to Trinity's Thinkpad X200T.
Unauthorized access is a violation of
United States federal law according to
the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, 18
USC Section 1030.
Mess with the best, die like the rest.
/blah/2023-12-31.html
I switched to the Helix text editor. I can't figure out syntax highlighting
but everything else works so well it doesn't really matter to me.
Emma gave me an Acer Aspire One to loan indefinitely. It's really nice. I'm
running Alpine x86 right now and can't figure out how to get XOrg or Sway
working. It also uses a hard drive rather than solid state storage. I'm gonna
have to change that. I don't know what its power draw is. Probably a little
more than the Raspberry Pi, but I'm happy to be out of the hell that is
Raspberry Pi Linux distributions. More Rust stuff compiles on x86 than on
arm64.
This is the best life has ever gone for me. It's not perfect but it is really
pretty good. I've been less down lately too.
I think when I live alone I'm gonna go nocturnal and get a night job. I just
don't know what night jobs exist. Maybe I could find some way to work from
home. Home. I'm gonna have one. It looks like I could be a night stocker at a
grocery store. Hm.
I'm really optimistic for the future.
Looking back on this year is trippy. Maine feels like a bad dream. I can barely
remember 2022 so I probably won't do one for it.
: the story so far (2023)
Season 2: maladjustment
January
Episode 01: "breaking bad"
Trinity arrives from New York tired and near broke and starts looking
for ways to quickly make back its savings. It attends a party hosted
by one of its friends.
February
Episode 02: "speak"
The ongoing stress from arranging its get-rich-quick scheme causes
Trinity to start making people bark for it.
Episode 03: "the eye of the needle"
Trinity starts talking with someone new. [...] and [...] start looking
for an apartment.
Episode 04: "of an age"
Trinity tries marijuana for the first time. Trinity goes axe throwing
with someone from the party and the meetup goes longer than planned.
Episode 05: "mary jane"
Trinity realizes it's gonna need to move out of [...]'s and the
consequences of its get-rich-quick plan. Trinity starts smoking weed
habitually.
March
Episode 06: "phone baseball"
Trinity's marijuana habit gets cozy with her mental illness. Trinity
goes vegan and starts writing a book.
April
Episode 07: "isolation"
Trinity builds a new computer and moves in with [...] and [...] to help
pay the rent.
Episode 08: "trigger discipline"
Trinity discovers a dangerous new line of work.
Episode 09: "the void stares back"
M-- moves in with the party host from episode 1. Trinity starts
smoking and learns its wisdom teeth are growing in. [...] is fired.
May
Episode 10: "tablet baseball"
M-- and Trinity find a fun new way to destroy evidence of Trinity's
propaganda studies. M-- overworks herself to pay rent and starts
sleeping over at [...] and [...]'s.
June
Episode 11: "i got my tooth removed"
Trinity gets her wisdom teeth out and M-- pays Trinity back for her
computer. M-- and Trinity go to [...]'s.
Episode 12: "fuck teeth"
The drugs wear off and Trinity struggles to figure out how to treat its
wisdom teeth sockets, gets a dry socket, and is wracked with terrible
pain. M-- goes on a date.
Episode 13: "a hunger artist"
Trinity goes back to work before recovering from its wisdom teeth
surgery and struggles to find anything it can eat. M-- finds things of
theirs missing and suspects [...] is to blame.
Episode 15: "make it double"
M-- continues to overwork themself and go on dates with [...]. Trinity
goes to the train tracks to think, gets a second dry socket, and
realizes its wisdom teeth aren't healing. More of M--'s things go
missing.
Episode 16: "portland"
M-- and Trinity go to the Pride festival in Portland, meet some of
M--'s old friends, and realize they're stranded in Portland. M-- gets a
skateboard.
Episode 17: "see you tomorrow"
M-- goes to [...]'s and, overwhelmed by the situation in Lewiston,
stays there a while. Trinity starts talking with an old flame and gets
a scooter.
July
Episode 18: "seven"
Trinity realizes M-- isn't coming back and entertains leaving Maine
before having an epiphany at work and walking out.
Episode 19: "deadly"
Trinity keeps applying to new jobs but realizes it can't get a job in
the timeframe it needs. It turns to temp labor. Meanwhile, M-- tries
to leave [...]'s.
Episode 20: "sins"
Trinity finds a new, higher-paying job, with added risk, and buys
Greyhound tickets out of Maine. It starts talking with another new
person and has apprehensions about its work.
August
Episode 21: "sean and josh"
Trinity gets used to its job and starts downsizing, including giving
away its television collection. [...] and [...] start fighting about
their division of labor.
Episode 22: "one last time"
Trinity meets Usagi again before it leaves for Florida. M-- comes back
to Lewiston.
Episode 23: "the bus out"
Trinity nearly misses the bus to Florida. It spends a couple days on
Greyhounds and finally arrives in Orlando.
Episode 24: "the best week ever"
Trinity stays at its girlfriends'.
Episode 25: "stranded"
Trinity misses the bus back from Florida.
September
Episode 26: "fast forward"
Trinity narrowly makes it out of Florida before a tropical storm hits.
It goes back to Maine to pay off some debts.
Episode 27: "reunited"
Trinity meets M-- in Lewiston and begs for its fast food job back, but
gets hired on different terms.
Episode 28: "decay"
Trinity goes back to [...] and [...]'s but finds them in a domestic
spat and the apartment falling apart even worse than before.
Episode 29: "the first time the third time"
Trinity goes back to its usual job in a less usual place. [...] and
[...] get evicted.
Episode 30: "negotiations"
[...] and [...]'s landlord starts to threaten them for money. A
familiar coworker joins her new workplace.
Episode 31: "toni"
Trinity struggles to find a place to sleep. M-- breaks down.
Episode 32: "riverbanks"
Trinity makes improvements to Toni but struggles to stay cool, meets a
guy at work with an abusive girlfriend, and meets up with its high
school crush.
Episode 33: "no helmet"
Trinity takes increasing risks and puts in its two week notice. Toni
leaks in the rain.
October
Episode 34: "the postal service"
Trinity mails packages out from Maine and receives equipment for the
move. [...]'s girlfriend gets worse. [...] stops returning Trinity's
calls.
Episode 35: "live fast, die young"
Trinity relapses back into smoking. [...] and [...]'s car rusts out on
the highway.
Episode 36: "ramona flowers"
[...] breaks up with his girlfriend. [...] starts to get angry at
Trinity. [...] finds Toni's location. It starts to get colder.
Episode 37: "the great escape"
Trinity angers [...] to the point of his walking out and comes clean to
[...]. [...] visits Toni. Trinity boards the Greyhound to Illinois.
Episode 38: "transit"
After some days on a Greyhound Trinity finally arrives in Lincoln,
Illinois.
Episode 39: "carnality"
Trinity can't find food in Lincoln. [...] takes Trinity on a date.
Episode 40: "springs before winter"
Trinity finally makes it to a new place, meets its idols, gets a
library card, realizes it needs an address, and starts attending
Sangha.
November
Episode 41: "number four"
Trinity takes a familiar job in an unfamiliar place. [...] takes a
similar job. M-- struggles to find work in Maine.
Episode 42: "safe and sound"
Trinity struggles to adjust to comfort.
Episode 43: "in this economy"
Trinity, [...], and [...] struggle to pay rent. [...] and Trinity meet
a presenter after a talk at the library.
December
Episode 44: "what goes around"
Trinity starts to overwork herself to afford rent. M--, with a new job
and in a new place, starts to get antsy.
Episode 45: "comes back around"
Trinity starts to break down and limits its caffeine intake, realizes
it'll be able to afford to live alone and starts getting its paperwork
in order, and sprains its foot
: the monster logs
2023-12-16. This bus route is usually free. They lack the usual buses and so
use smaller buses that can't accomodate bicycles. But today it's seven quarters
and I believe this will persist. So I've paid my dollar and seventy five cents.
I'm going to work, but first Wallgreens (is that possessive? Wallgreen's?
Wallgreens'?). I haven't decided which Monster I'm gonna start with. I'm not
big on planning. Best to see what the future holds. This driver is taking his
time counting something out at his seat. I'm not big on being late. I won't be,
because I make sure to take the bus to work on a route where, if I miss it, I
can take the next bus and won't be late for work. But I don't like being later
to things than I plan. Best to be able to see what the future holds. This bus
is dirty, not in an unpleasant way but literally covered in dirt that has been
brought up on the exterior by splashing slush left over from snow. It's
unseasonably warm out and I'm still wearing my usual winter layers. I planned
poorly. I can't see out of the bus windows so I'm forced to look at the front
windshield to have my bearings. I don't like to do so in case the driver thinks
I'm looking at them and feels prompted to talk. I'm not big on talking. I'm a
little hungry, not sure why. I ate at the apartment, a peanut butter sandwich
and some oatmilk. Protein. I'm a little tired and I do know why, I slept enough
last night but not late enough, today's gonna be a long day. 1400-2230. Eight
and a half hours, boo hoo, but the part I dislike is working with the night
crew. Night crew is dirty in an unpleasant way. Their lazy approach to food
safety is disconcerting and their idea of fun is watching puppies decapitated
on Facebook while standing around until forced to actually labor. I'm not
particularly disturbed by cruelty but am by the work ethic and the slack which
I'm forced to pick up. I've been managing my will to death in healthier ways
lately but working with night crew, even the thought, makes me want to taste
the handle of a machete. I only took one caffeine pill today, 200mg, knowing
I'd supplement it with a Monster. The bus is nearly to my stop. I'm here at
work before work. My tray is dirty with old salt and oil because nobody here
knows how to do a damn dish. I got Khaotic at Wallgreens, confirmed to have no
apostrophe. It opened with a crisp snap and I'm holding it in my mouth. It
tastes a bit like fruit punch, better than fruit punch, some amount of citrus
to it. Another sip. Pineapple? Time to read the label. Blah blah blah no flavor
description. Ingredients. Battery acid, horse piss, orange, peach, tangerine,
pineapple, grape, chemicals to kill and sugars to addict. Plus caffeine,
another 160mg for the liver to chew on. Lunchtime. Shitty fries, less shitty
onion rings. Ketchup because I want to feel like a child again. Unrealistic, I
have friends. There are people who don't work here, who pay for this. Why?
There are no onions in the onion rings, just an onion flavored paste. Their
usual sauce for onion rings, some type of horseradish, has cow milk so I can't
eat it. Dropped a ketchup laiden fry, now there's sauce on my pants. Fucking
hell. Nobody here can make a sandwich to save their life. I asked for heavy
mustard. I wonder where it is. Probably a glob in the center. Or in a bucket
teetering on a door so it can fall on me like an office prank. I wish I worked
in an office. This sandwich is okay. Probably the sugar content is what makes
it bearable. And salt. I wonder if anyone who made this sandwich washed their
hands or even changed their gloves between handling raw meet and my lettuce.
The Monster is the best part of this meal by far. It doesn't take much. I'm
accompanied by Gorillaz' album The Now Now and awful Christmas music playing
over the speaker here. All hail consumerism. This Monster was something like
$3.50. The price makes me sick and so does this food. I wish I wasn't here.
The Monster has a sweet citrus tang. It's nice. Fuck you. 3 stars out of 5.
2023-12-17. The days go by so fast. Bloom by Radiohead off King of Limbs. I
don't know if I can justify $20/week on Monster. Whatever. Bus stop. I have a
metro card now. I couldn't figure out how to use it so I used quarters. Bus
now. This is a good song. Today's 1100-2100. Now's 0955. I'm sitting between
two seats like an asshole but there's nobody else on this bus so an asshole I
can be. I'm halfway through reading Kafka's In the Penal Colony. I've now
finished it. I want to fuck Franz Kafka so much it's unreal. I just realized
the bus announcement mispronounces one of the street names it passes, French
but pronounced as if English. The bus is clean today. It's now my stop. Now I'm
at work. I got the Monster at a Kum and Go but didn't take care to note the
price. Rehab: Wild Berry Tea. I've not had this one before that I can remember.
But first a large hash brown. I don't feel much of anything about it. This snap
of the can is less crisp. This is good stuff. I think I taste raspberry.
Strawberry? The tea for sure. Description label: none! Just some infographical
blurbs about vitamins, coconut water, electrolytes. Ingredients. Tea, apple
juice, ginseng, coconut water, acai, "natural flavors". I definitely taste the
ginseng and the apple, and the sweet aftertaste from the coconut. They're
playing Christmas music, shitty as always. This isn't carbonated and it's nice
and smooth, easily chuggable if so desired. I don't really desire anything
right now. This Monster sates my thirst nicely. 9 stars out of 10.
2023-12-18. My stomach hurts. I'm sitting in the apartment in my jacket but
without my boots. United in Grief, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers, Kendrick
Lamar. Estrogen held under my tongue. Time to get going. I bought a ticket in
the app for the bus in case the metro card didn't work. The bus is free.
There's no way to tell whether or not the bus will go to a stop that's closer
to me instead of this stop down the street, today it is. My boots are cracked.
Lasted a month longer than the last pair of Docs I had but four months is
dogshit for a pair of boots, especially leather. A cow died for my feet to be
really comfortable for four months. I wonder if this issue is specific to the
service worker model 1460s because I don't see it on-line and people who
frequent Doc Martens on-line communities aren't the type to be employed. I
don't really want a Monster today but I'm gonna get one to try anyway. The
caffeine will help my energy. I've had my hash brown, time to have Monster
Ultra Strawberry Dreams, a mouthful but at least descriptive regarding the
flavor. The can is hard to open, I had to use a key as a lever. Purchased at
Kum and Go for like $3.25. First sip. It tastes like Ultra Zero, which I
haven't tried as part of this review series but with which I'm familiar as my
least favorite Monster flavor. Another sip. I don't really taste much
strawberry. Maybe an aftertaste. Description label. Stuff about strawberries
being aphrodisiacs or whatever. Awesome, I'm gonna fall in love with tiredness
and overwork. Ingredients. Citric acid, natural flavors, ginseng. Fucking mild
natural flavors I guess. It's bullshit that the FDA lets corporations get away
with listing "natural flavors" like that means anything. I guess if I drink a
lot of it the strawberry is more apparent but it's still not super noticeable.
I would prefer this to Ultra Zero the same way I would prefer a knife in the
shoulder to the kidney. I took my earbud out to have a conversation on the bus
but my usual coitus with my secret admirer silence is interrupted by the most
ear shattering, tone deaf Christmas music this restaurant can muster. Today's
gonna be a bad day and this Monster contributed, somewhat. 3 stars out of 9.
2023-12-19. The can opened crisply and easily. $3.31. I'm interrupted only by
paying patrons and Christmas music. The label. Nothing of significance, as
expected. A sip. It tastes bad. Not as bad as I remembered but still
unpleasant. A couple more. The level of indistinctness of the flavor comes
close to the disdain I have for it. Ingredients. Citric acid, chemicals,
"natural and artificial flavors", chemicals. What are artificial flavors, even?
Monosodium glutamate for umami, citric acid for sour, sugar for sweet. Two
other flavors I can't recall. Savory this is not, nor sour. Nor bitter, now
that I remember it. Only sickeningly sweet, not with sugar but with molecules
derived from it. Maybe there's lemon in the taste but I know it's just the
citric acid. This is Monster Zero Ultra, the subject of my loathing when it
comes to Monster flavors. I love the can design and love to drink it because
it's a fashionable accessory. This potion brings out not only my despite but
also my vanity. Boomer Monster memes feature it and I've had this while mowing
lawns and doing general unpaid but useful labor. Today is the day I will
tolerate this Monster enough to at least score it though give it a just review
I cannot because I am biased by years of trying to tolerate its overwhelming
fructose taste. I don't like this. 2 stars out of 10.
2023-12-20. $3.31 at Kum and Go again. When I was a kid I had four a day, now I
don't know how I could even afford that. The hash browns are greasier than
usual. I hold them up to the light and see the yellow oil glisten in the white
sun. The potato on the inside looks like albino maggots, little curds of
shredded spudd injected into the cheapest flour-like that could be found by
some company based in Orlando. My girlfriend lives in Orlando and it said one
of its favorites is Aussie Lemonade so I picked this up. As far as I know this
flavor is new, I remember seeing it for the first time in a gas station in the
middle of nowhere in the deep North where the attendant listened to country
music and had a deep Southern accent. Finished the festering potatoes. The can
was hard to open, dug into my fingertip. This is really good. Carbonated which
I didn't expect, lightly so and pleasantly. I taste the lemon, maybe some lime
too? A look at the description. Tartness - the fifth flavor - and sweetness.
Ingredients. Lemon juice. Shocking. This is really good lemonade, really good
as lemonade and not just as Monster. I'm worried this whole review thing is a
waste of money. "Death by a thousand papercuts". Rent has been budgeted and
utilities shouldn't be bad. Still, I worry, and Monster makes it worse. The
caffeine doesn't affect me anymore. What's the point? This Monster makes me
less drear but my doubts worsen. I don't know what effect this has on me. My
head swims with the weight of the world. Stress tightening around my
encephalus. I don't want to work today, but I will. I don't like this job but I
am tied to it for the foreseeable future. Ruby Falls by Guster off Ganging Up
on the Sun tries to help and doesn't. I'm tired and never sleep enough. Time
slips through my fingers like sand through a sieve. My stomach hurts, in part
from unease and in part from sugar. 10 stars out of 11.
/blah/2023-12-26.html
I always took Kafka's Metamorphosis to be an allegory for suicide, with his
family dealing with his body. They grieve and move on; Mr. Samsa puts on his
work outfit, goes to the bank, Grete starts working, they house dormers to pay
some excess bills before finally deciding enough is enough and when Gregor is
gone moving somewhere cheaper. I reread it and think long and hard about it.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My battery broke. My power cell, power
pack, power bank. Kicked the ol' bit bucket. Combined with caffeine withdrawal
mood swings. I had a razor I use for cutting fabric and I looked at it and
thought long and hard about it. Have you ever seen the movie Drive? I don't
know what I am going to do without a power cell. It saved my life, genuinely,
more times than I can count.
What happened to Kafka? He starved to death. I think often about it. Am I
really so hungry? I look at the fat in my flesh.
I'm tired.
/blah/2023-12-25.html
: bonsai
Emma Tebibyte (of tebibyte.media) and I have been collaborating (and by that I
mean fae has a lot of good ideas and I have been writing a lot of mediocre
implementations) on a core utilities suite called Bonsai. A lot of my own
coreutil implementations are leaving my own source tree and being incorporated
into there.
I am not big into maintenance. Maintenance is boring. I strive to write
programs that don't need to be maintained. Bonsai is something that, I hope,
will not have to be maintained -- it will cover the functionality in section 1
of POSIX and be done. I would like Bonsai to offer a POSIX interface despite
the tools being extremely different to prove its worth as being equal to or
better than POSIX. Also to make work easier for programmers who wish to support
Bonsai /and/ GNU or BSD or whatever.
Bonsai's catchphrase or whatever is "seek what they sought". A lot of existing
UNIX utilities are very nice but also jank as hell. See test(1), dd(1) for
overly featureful programs. Test's `!` is identical to Sh's. dd <file1 >file2
is equivalent to cat <file1 >file2 and tee <file1 >file2 minus some buffering
shenanigans. Emma and I are in agreement on the fact that functionality should
be consolidated in some points and split into multiple programs in other points
and mostly in agreement about where those points are.
I'm excited about Bonsai as a compatible improvement to UNIX and excited to
work with Emma on this because fae and I disagree on topics niche and
fascinating and our arguments are always interesting. Not in a Queen / The
Beatles / every rock band ever sort of way where the arguments are cool until
"You don't really care about the band!" but in a way where the disagreements
point out that while UNIX's tools were certainly opinionated on how to do
things, it's hard to say another opinion is objectively better.
This is no sort of announcement, Bonsai is public already in
https://git.tebibyte.media/bonsai/coreutils and you can see the intcmp(1),
scrut(1), and other implementations of mine that have made their way over there
and been deleted from my own source tree. I intend to contribute as much as I
am able but am currently bogged down by the CONTRIBUTING necessitating GPG key
commit signing and my Alpine installation having weird issues with Assuan and
communicating with gpg-agent. It'll be nice to clear out this source tree junk
drawer and put all my dirty laundry out so the world can sniff the musks. I
encourage anyone reading this to file brutal issues and make me cry like a
little baby.
Today is Christmas. Happy Christmas I guess. I'm Buddhist and can now use that
excuse not to celebrate whereas before, when not a believer in any religion, I
would still be expected by many to celebrate Christmas because of consumerism
or whatever. But also I don't know many people who would expect that of me
anymore. I just like Buddhism and excuses to talk about it.
I would love to see Emma Tebibyte become the new Richard Stallman because fae's
just really fucking based. Everything Emma has to say is worth heeding whether
or not you agree with it. These coreutils might be the start of something the
same way GNU's coreutils were but in a way that isn't plagued with all the
baggage GNU and the FSF have had.
/blah/2023-12-24.html
TRINITY STARTER PACK
&gt;fucking hates its job
&gt;UNIX
&gt;loves its computer but only its own computer
&gt;"I hate android but this battery life is killer"
&gt;no unicode support in framebuffer tty, can't figure out wayland
&gt;anti social, wishes it wasn't
&gt;doesn't understand references to memes
&gt;allergic to brands and advertising
&gt;takes the bus everywhere
&gt;will tell you why she doesn't like C
__________
/ _______ //|
/ /|_____/ // |
/ / /| |/ / // | |
/ /_/|_|/| _/ //| | |
/_________ //_| || |
| ______ | /_/ / /
| | |/ / | | |/ / /
| | |/_/_| | |/ /
| |/_____| | /
|__________|/
/blah/2023-12-23.html
sleep invades my brain and blurs my vision so I see
not a single thing except my slowly invading dreams
sleep ponders the leaving of me to quickly sinking sand
in which i'll drown and dessicate, my rest forever as planned
sleep takes over my system, the ELF replacing PID 1
seconds tick by on a hardware clock, timing the mil'seconds gone
sleep and sleep all over again, do while true if true
caffeine will not stop my slow descent into my somnic hell
sleep tortures my mind with terrible visions of futures to be
not a single thing of my dreams will give me a second of peace
sleep will drive its knife inside my chest and into my heart
stabbing by those who love me so my mind can tear me apart
blah blah blah
i'm at yule and have been up nearly 24 hours. wild it affects me so much. i
used to do 48 on 10 off. i think i'm gonna sleep now. good night. i love you.
continued.
no longer 0100.
T1354.
$ cat /etc/issue
We're in this together.
$ cat /etc/motd
Get down, make love.
I don't know.
I've had too much social interaction.
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
Do you think I could have a glass of water?
Jesus Christ, I didn't realize we had royalty here. No. Get it
yourself.
For lack of a sink, for lack of glasses.
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
I really need to take a break, I can't breathe.
You're lazy. You're just gonna ask for another break soon enough
anyway.
For lack of shade, for lack of sunglasses.
You've had this happen before, haven't you?
Can I get a sandwich or something while we're out here?
We have food at home. Be patient.
For potato chips, for fruit snacks.
How do you ask for what you want without fear of retribution?
You can't even get water yourself.
No instruction.
You're fat and need to lose weight.
No moderation.
You need to appreciate what you have.
No variety.
I suppose at face value it sounds bitchy. Find water without plumbing, find
serenity in motion, find nutrition in processed snacks. I could do it now,
certainly. But I didn't know what a carbohydrate was until this month, maybe
last. Time flies faster as of late.
I love ice cream even though I'm vegan. I met it on video call and we started
talking. I was so flustered at its appearance. It was gorgeous. That's the last
new people I've met. I can't remember how long it lasted the first time. I've
never had more than a first time before. I screwed up and I wasn't too proud to
admit it.
After the first time around it all slipped through my fingers and I was lost in
purple haze and red stains. I replaced my shirts with ones easier to wash in
private and accepted the fate. Then one day I looked around and asked what the
fuck I was doing.
Lost and found is as much a cycle as it is a bin. I lost hoodies often as a
kid, brain fog and scattering and forgotten fabric on a bench. The benches on
the playground were a brown shade of black with holes in them at offsets to not
form a grid but a maze of triangles. I used to play connect the dots with them
and pencils to leave lines of graphite on what was probably some refined sort
of plastic, make triangles out of the holes, then get back from recess and
still be thinking about triangles. All the kids thought I was obnoxious, and I
was. I had a desire for attention not fulfilled at home. Then the distraction
faded into a fog of isolation and the number of friends dwindled down to some
remaining on Instagram, a platform I loathed for its hidden algorithms dragging
many of those I knew into conspiracy theories I had helped create or others I
created singlehandedly, who were absolutely unwilling to move to a more open or
at least seemingly better platform. Then I moved anyway to the darker corners
of the Internet and in among those, unrelated except by topic of interest
(technology freedoms), I found the friends that remain friends to this day. I'm
leaving some things out so as to not write a book here.
At some point I will just disappear. I know this will happen. I'll disappear to
a new life, new style, new identity, new country, and be gone without a trace.
I will die in the remote reaches of a far away landscape of a slow, painful,
lonely death. Nobody will be holding me as the light leaves my eyes, nobody
will appear to come from the heavens to embrace me and beckon me into my next
form of being. I will die, probably of some self infliction that I won't be
able to escape when I realize the gravity of what I have done and find my
regret. In my last moments I will wish things had been different, somehow, some
way. I will wish I took the time I have right now, in this very moment in the
present, to get my shit together. To see a therapist. Quit caffeine. Find a
better job. Get a studio apartment, make more friends, find roommates, go on
dates with my girlfriends, smile, laugh, feel comfortable around many others,
have neighbors, contribute to society both in terms of my employment and my
software I write not for myself but to improve the world, get older, keep
chipping into my 401(k), retire, grow old, cherish memories and make many more,
and die surrounded by those I love in a comfortably decorated room I couldn't
have occupied without the help of those around me. Beckoned to the beyond by
some engineered and pleasant psychedelic and Shine On You Crazy Diamond.
I'm sitting in a fast food joint sipping a coffee and typing this.
I learned not to ask for help from others or rely on anybody but myself at
every turn of my life, every leap of faith into which I fell and every shoulder
on which I leaned that pushed me away. I made missteps, more times than I can
count, but there were a lot of things that just weren't my fault and landed on
me anyway. I have not experienced this since leaving the place that made me.
But I know not to keep gambling after so many consecutive wins. That's why
every cautious step forward, every nervous but rewarded ask, every detail that
goes right, is a reminder that things will go wrong. Luck does not last
forever.
I will disappear when I have no more for which to be here. No friends,
abandoned projects, dead end jobs and rent I can't afford. I am certain it will
happen and my friends are certain it will not. But I was friends with others
who were certain they would see tomorrow and didn't. That is how I think it
will end, not with a whimper but with a bang and more as the luck runs out and
cars strike, bullets pierce, fire roars or whatever other sequence of accidents
seizes the debt I own to balance, the odds swinging back around in luck.
I am insufferable and therapy would fix this but I think I would get committed
if I went. It's irrational but I don't know if Kamikun would ever let me go.
I don't think there's anything out there for me. That's the biggest reason I
would write my EOF byte. But why not wait and see what the future holds?
I drank my last Monster. For real. There will be more caffeine, always. There
might be more romance with energy drinks. But I'm done Monster now, forever.
It's up to you to hold me accountable. Who am I kidding? Who reads this? Please
don't.
I feel like a slut when I give people my website URL.
I apologized. I wanted to visit its state, see it in person, so I could
apologize in person too. It could do whatever it wanted, I didn't expect to
stay with it or anything. Then instead of meeting in meatspace to reconnect it
happened on-line. And we got talking again.
I listen to Slipknot because it was wearing a Slipknot t-shirt. That's the only
reason. I don't think I would have gotten into Slipknot if it wasn't for that.
I fucking love Slipknot, genuinely, and their music got me through some hard
times, hard decisions, absolute actions.
I like it/its pronouns for me. I'm different from a she/her. She/her is fine. I
won't take offense, certainly less offense than being gendered male. But I like
it/its pronouns for myself.
I genuinely love my girlfriends with all my heart and it's hard to imagine
anything short of it no longer being my girlfriends changing that. I loved it
when we stopped talking. I do regret that, I think. I don't like living with
regrets. I wasn't able to reconcile the hurt I had caused and my not being true
to myself. I thought I would hurt it more if we kept talking. I don't think I
would have.
I'm polyamorous and with my other girlfriend we had a much shorter go of things
and I broke up because our relationship was overwhelming. I don't regret
breaking up with her because I still believe I would have hurt her more had I
stayed with her.
Leaving my previous state is the best decision I ever made. Now that I am
constantly made aware, justly, of my bad habits and awful state of living, I
can start to fix it. There are a million things of which I wasn't even aware,
or of which I was aware but not of how to fix them, or simply those that I
didn't care to remedy. I put on black nail polish to stop biting my nails and
it's working. They're longer than they have been in probably a decade. I'm
sleeping well, still plagued with nightmares when I dream but I think they
might pass. I am the sun poking through the clouds before I disappear back into
pessimism and self loathing and I don't know how to fix that. I'll get there
someday.
I criticize means of repair to flesh out technique rather than to be able to
ignore them. As a compulsion it is to be able to ignore them. But they keep
gnawing at my head past the initial repulsion. I don't criticize plans with
which I align but nor do I criticize plans that seem to me to be obviously
infeasible.
I still can't interact with new people, though, except when forced to do so by
situation or as a means to an end, and when I do I am extremely uncomfortable.
I don't know if I can fix that, I don't know if I want to fix that. Baby steps.
I hope my existing friends live forever. If our friendship doesn't, fine. They
deserve happiness and if that's the means to get there I hope I am tossed to
the side without grief. They deserve happiness and a long duration to have it.
__________
/ _______ /|
/ /|_____/ / |
/ //|| / //||
/ //||| _/ //|||
/_________ //_|||
| ______ ||_///
| ||/// | ||///
| ||//___| ||//
| |/_____| | /
|__________|/ I want to improve.
/blah/2023-12-21.html
I have thought disorder that makes it really hard to convey the things in my
head into things expressed in text. One dimensionally. A string of characters.
Projecting the landscape of my mind is difficult in the same way drawing is.
Trying to force a two dimensional world into 128 characters.
__________
/ _______ /| I have this thing I like to draw, the frame of a cube. The
/ /| ____/ / | edges of the cube, the spaces between the edges, and then
/ //||| / //|| the edges behind those spaces. It's a practice in three
/ //||||_/ //||| dimensional visualization. I can't do it. Every time I draw
/_________ //_||| the cube I draw it wrong. A line is where it shouldn't be, I
| ______ ||_/// made it inconsistent, some elementary mistake. I suppose a
| ||/// | ||/// lot of people couldn't draw the cube right the first time
| ||//___| ||// but I feel like I should be able to. That's how conversation
| |/_____| | / feels. One crucial thing is missing, one inconsistency, and
|__________|/ the whole thing is wrong, and I didn't notice it because it
was so hard to do the other edges. To make the thing link
up. I don't notice my own circular logic, my own
contradictions, and often others don't either. But when they
do they say I'm bullshitting them. Really it's the spaces in
between, the spaces I can't draw, drawn by the voids in my
head, that are bullshitting me.
It's hard to communicate with others for it.
Thought disorder is a symptom, not a disease, as I understand it, but I'm not
gonna read into it, at least publicly. I dissociate. I switch out sometimes or
lose myself in the words. I make word salad. I say things because they sound
good, not because they make sense. Et cetera. Fuck. I'm not continuing this.
It's isolating. The very fabric of my mind is sewn wrong. Differently, yes. I
think similarly to some of my peers whose minds are beyond most. But wrong.
There are little threads that lead to the wrong areas of the cloth, stitches
too long and too short and some put in after, even, the weaving of the factory
to pull closed areas I'd like to have used. M C Esher head.
i'm nesting
and spinning
and thinking
and turning
and tossing
and blinking
and rusting
decaying
and dying
et c.
/blah/2023-12-14.html
: Ruminations
Published here under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-
NoDerivatives 4.0 International Public License.
Written over the last two weeks or so. Do not read this if you know me
personally and ideally do not read otherwise, either. Do not try to talk to me
about this. I'm not gonna kill myself. I just was ruminating about the idea.
-
I've been thinking
about killing myself;
the coward's way out,
sure, but a way out
nevertheless. I really
want to die. I want to
feel it. I'd like to
drown, to immolate,
to bleed out. I crave
the subtleties of the
experiences that I
cannot fathom. In
my dreams I do; I
am chopped with
axes,
-
slain with swords,
various means of blunt
force. I am both
executed and executioner,
I experience all
perspectives
simultaneously as it
is my subconscious
that renders my
potential fates, and
in the moment I
am cruel, and in the
moment I am kind,
and as the one
-
to die I feel relieved
to go, to be able to
let go of my stresses
and fears for my
longed-for certainty.
I'm tired of the
lucky escapes, the
dei ex machinae. I
feel like a character
of fiction, the pulp
protagonist that
always improbably
makes it out of the
bind. Like my fate
-
is already written,
predestined; sometimes
I can even see the
lines ahead, Kami
knows sections by
heart. I just got
on the bus I wasn't
sure I could afford
and it was free.
Maybe I'm an angel,
compulsively
accomplishing
selfless miracles.
If so, to be an
-
angel is to be in
Hell. Condemned to
goodness. I am so
fucking stressed
because it takes
more and more work
for everything to just
work out. This
morning I thought
I was gonna break
down, actually just
break down. But
that's not in the
pages.
-
I want to be
alive and without
anaesthetic for
my dissection. I
want to see the
scalpel approach
my flesh, feel it
carve me and see
my own pink-dyed
subcutaneous fat.
The crimson viscera.
I want to taste my
own blood as I
succumb to
-
mortality. Done by
[...] or [...] or both.
In my scripted
demise will I
know commfort, will
I have known
comfort? Or will I
faint into a trench
and have the cold
work its way in
from the extremeties.
This morning I cried,
now my sadness had
hardened to a rich,
-
coffee-smooth
bitterness, a numbness
too. I can't keep
friends because I
never interact first,
see myself a burden.
The fuel that weighs
down the ship. Spend
me until you have
nothing left, be free
of me among the
stars. I arrived at
work an hour and a
half early. It's
-
nothing, the time ticks
on regardless. I hate
Christmas music. I am
so alone. [mi] [olin] [ala] [e] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [mi]. I wish to be
primitive, of the
forest, to be solitary.
I would be so lonely
without [...].
I don't talk to the
people close to me
and to others I say
less. I want to taste
my blood. I want to
-
burn myself. I want
to die. But I don't
want to do it. My
friends depend on
me. And I have things
to write. When I am
done I will take my
leave. I want the
suffering to be over. I
want Nirvana. Nirvana
isn't heaven, it's simply
the conclusion to a
finite cycle of rebirth.
The conclusion to one's
-
suffering.
I'd like to see
Chicago, California,
the Bodhi tree, the
sunrise from atop a
mountain, a molten
wall, the inside of a
flame, mucky clotted
blood. A chunk of
clot in a pool of
it.
-
It's not that I don't
know how to ask for
what I want but
that I know I only
get what is deserved,
not what is desired.
I am a parable;
beware of excess. It's
better that I don't
control my own fate
else I'd
meet it. I believe I
am have cancer because I
don't want to believe
-
I will live 60, 70
more years, because
the best of those I
knew did not. When
I hear the Underscores
song I think, know
it too; Everybody's
dead and it's all my
fault. I don't have
the means to be vegan
in a way that is
healthy but I can't
bring myself to eat
dead animal; I've
-
caused enough harm.
I feel too old and
too young. I don't
know how to afford
rent. Not here, not
anywhere. I'd like
to become a Buddhist
monk. Burger King
coffee is bad but not
terrible. [tomo] [pi] [soweli] [moli].
[mi] [olin] [e] [toki pona]. I am as much
an animal as a cow
and know beef as
fallen brethren.
-
I wish to harm and
not harm, to be
caged and free, to
be known and
Anonymous, to love
and to be forgotten.
Pass on my memories.
I am so tired all the
time. Fatigued, weary,
sleepy. I need to
figure out how to get
an apartment. I need
a new social security
-
card. I want to die
because this work is
so hard and will get
harder yet. I want
to have a small
apartment with one or
two close friends full
of pillows and blankets
with a warm picture
tube and modded
Gamecube. How do I
make friends? How do
I afford an apartment
?
-
I do everything
wrong. When I am
praised it is without
sincerity, when I am
held it is without
catharsis, when I am
loved it is without
reality. To fall asleep
I think about cuddling
my girlfriend. I miss
my stuffed shark but
a stuffed shark will
not fit in a backpack.
Nor will aspirations.
-
[mi] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [li] [ike] [lili]. [ni]
[li]
[ante] [tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [pini]. [tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [wili] [e]
[lape].
[mi] [jo] [e] [lape] [lili] [tan] [tenpo] [mun] [pini] [la] [mi] [lukin] [e]
[jan] [moli]. [mi] [moli] [ala] [taso] [mi] [wili] [lukin] [e] [jan]
[moli] [tan] [mi] [wile] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [ala] [moli]. [mi] [olin] [moli]
[ala].
[mi] [pakala]. [mi] [kama] [sona] [e] [toki pona]. [mi] [toki ike] [e] [toki
pona]. [o] [toki] [ala].
I got a new pen today. A
Uniball Signo 207 with
"archival quality ink", "used
by professionals". It - and
this is evident in the notebook
in which I write this but
probably won't be if I
ever type it up - writes
-
shittily. Perhaps this is
due to the paper or to the
thin air where I now find
myself. Now it's writing fine
so who knows. I took the
pen apart just now, idly,
didn't have a good grip on
the tip that holds the
spring in, and the tension
released and the tip flew
to the other seat in the
booth of this restaurant. I
hate working here.
-
Today I'm less stressed
because I don't have to
catch a bus to my second
shift. The thought of my
finances still gnaws at
me and the walls are closing
in. The way I'm going isn't
sustainable and one way
or another, by homelessness
or breakdown, I will crumble,
inevitably. I'm not sure what
to do. I'm thinking about
getting a fake identity
and moving to the Balkans
-
or perhaps Kazakhstan. My
current location and situation
is, however, the result of a
similarly spontaneous and
far move, and I'm still
not established here.
My skin is dry. I guess that
wouldn't matter if I
killed myself. Homeless people,
with or without their senses,
are treated like animals. If
you treat people like animals
they will become animals.
The shelter here looks like a cage.
-
Perhaps that's what housing is,
a kennel for a human. The
decorations and dressing make
us forget it. I'm scared of
the future because I don't
know if I will survive it and
I don't want to die. I have
always had a problem with
biting my nails. I have an
oral fixation. I chew half
a pack of gum a day when
I can afford it. Three packs
and two Uniball Signo 207
pens cost $10.46.
-
I worked an hour for them.
How many hours will I need
to work to afford rent? No
matter how many it never seems
to be enough. I'm scared all
the time since I started
feeling emotions again. I miss
being numb but I don't miss
being in the situations that
made me numb. Maybe I
just need to sleep. I can't
fall asleep without either weed
or watching people die on
my cell phone.
-
I saw someone decapitated
by the wheels of a train.
I wondered how bad it would
be to die that way. They looked
so happy on social media. I
try so hard to be kind to
everybody. It has been 2 days
since last I hugged anybody.
I feel so alone. I'm not,
but the being is different
from the feeling. I am sad.
My girlfriend won't text me
back. Its replies were sparse
when I was sleeping outside
-
because it was worried I
would die in the cold. The
people I love most in the
world don't believe I will
ever be successful. I think
I might. If I was
infinitely powerful I would
give the empty houses to those
that need them and an I.D.
to anyone that wanted one.
I would feed the hungry and
transport the travelers. I
would find somebody who
knows exactly how I now feel.
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [ante]
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [ike]. [mi] [pakala]. [mi] [ike] [mute]. [mi] [pali] [moki]
[e]
[soweli] [moli]. [mi] [wile] [e] [ni]: [soweli] [moli] [ala]
[taso] [jan ike] [moli] [e] [soweli] [suwi]. [mi] [pakala].
[tenpo] [suno] [ni] [la] [mi] [pali] [moku] [e] [soweli] [suwi] [moli]. [mi]
[pakala].
[mi] [ike] [seme] [jan ike]. [mi] [pilin ike] [mute]. [mi] [pilin pakala]. [mi]
[ike] [tawa] [mi].
[mi] [ike] [tawa] [soweli]. [mi] [ike] [tawa] [ma] [ali]. [mi] [ike]. [mi]
[pakala].
[toki] [nimi Japanese] [la] [tu] [tu] [pi] [toki pona] [li] [moli]. [mi]
[pakala]:
[mi] [toki] [e] [ni]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [nanpa] [tu] [tu].
[ni] [li] [tenpo] [pimeja]. [ni] [li] [tenpo] [mun] [ike]. [mi] [pilin ike]
[mute].
[mi] [toki]. [mi] [pakala].
-
I've done abhorrent, horrible
things, and I don't know how
to make up for them. Killing
myself would be a start.
I wonder what it's like to
be dead. I wish there
wasn't rebirth.
-
i took the bus to work
i'm sorry
car just didn't start
the park
the gas tank full
the lighter
sorry
took the bus to work
i'm sorry
fifty year old man
i'm sorry
bandanna in a bottle
bandanna in a bottle
i drink til my tongue slips
i'm sorry
whatcha sorry for
i'm sorry
took the bus to work
and i think tonight i'm gonna let it hit me
he didn't see it coming
and his pace remained the same
eveloped in fire
did you feel anything?
i'm sorry for the slaughter
but god does my job pay
i bought myself a new car
but can't bear to fill the tank
-
[moli] [li] [pimeja] [e] [mi]
[pimeja] [soweli] [la]
[mi] [len] [e] [mi] [e] [ni]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [mute] [e] [ni]: [mi] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [wile] [e] [pali] [lape]
[mi] [lape] [ala]
[mi] [wile] [e] [lape]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
[mi] [pakala]
-
[tawa] [tenpo] [suno] [ante]
city square littered with corpses
vendors fallen at their stalls
bags spilled open, coins atwinkle
reflecting moonlight. earthly stars
if you cut one open the blood would be dark red
no oxygen in their system, hypoxia, death instant
civilians struck in a war of which they weren't aware
died for a growing number on a screen
children are among them, and in homes babies cribbed
a bus driver reading a dog eared copy of the tao te ching
four of a chosen family out of broken homes
taken from a cold street to new apartment, optimists
nobody mourns the losses. members of a town too small
in life they all were lovers. now inanimate
a flower sits in a cup, never to be watered again
in the face of inevitability, what has it all meant
city square declared a grave site
by nobody; nobody cares
a dog lays still on the cobblestone
its last experience fitful sleep, a nightmare
-
I'm tired.
-
-
i don't believe in a god
and haven't since i saw a dog
skinned alive
a mess of dripping, florid blood
and muscle and bone
and it let out what screams
can be screamed with what function
its analog to our vocal chords
had left
and kept screaming
shaking, it hanged suuspended by rope
from an oak tree, perhaps maple
the twine brown matching the sand
and dirt and green leaves
and not the unnatural red
of the shivering animal
unable to comprehend even its fate
let alone what brought its aggressors
to take a machete to the starving, matted
thing. how could a merciful, good creator
allow one of her children to experience
such a thing, and not die upon removal
of the face? who would want to survive such
a thing? and especially,
if not only a god is our creator but
the arbiter of our fates,
why did she let someone record it and put it
on liveleak? why did she let me watch it
when i was 14?
-
The mountain, eons old
and wise for what it
has weathered, knows not
to abuse its unimaginable
strength.
The hornet, with a life cycle of days, is given an
appropriately small amount
of venom for its size and
stings unprovoked.
Blame neither.
They reflect the
kindness of their worlds.
-
hope you're doing okay
i'm about to sleep, worked a lot today
will we talk tomorrow?
of course we will babe
that was last month
was I ghosted? I really can't say
I might be single but
I hold onto the hope that it'll message again
what did I say
what did I do
I thought we had something
was it as real to you
how did I push
my dearest dear away
would you tell me if it was over?
was I really so unsafe?
-
do you remember me
i thought what we had was a lot
i always think of you
am i just someone you forgot
we've been dating for a bit
but goddammit, i sort of loved you
when you curl up with [...],
my old plushie, do you think of what you lost
god, i miss you, and i'm so alone
when i sleep i look at my phone
and look at you, comfy, under the sheets.
i hope the blankets don't make you too hot
what did i do to justify a cold shoulder
what did i say to bring famine to my soul
will you return to explain your hiatus
or will you leave me to rot
whatever it was, i'm sorry
and i hope you get back someday
i keep thinking about the solace under the wheels of a train
do you think i'll feel any pain
-
i'm at the bus stop and freezing
do you get what i mean?
it's been a week since you called
am i still in your screen?
i think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
i wanna throw myself into
but that's just how i think
you got tired of me
as a loving girlfriend
faded novelty
and so much repetition
but i liked the routine
and you said it was your happy ending
after every chapter there's another
is a better life what i'll get
no longer so trusting a lover
my heart aches, i should have guarded it
-
It said it loved me but
it hasn't responded to my
text messages in two weeks.
I suppose it's busy but I
haven't even had a single-
word update. It feels like
I'm being avoided. It hurts.
I really did love it. It's hard
for me to love. If it called
and apologized and made it
up to me I don't think it
would fix things. I feel
disrespected as a partner.
-
We're poly and I know
and have known it is seeing
someone else, and am and
have always been fine with
it. Someone else more
important to it. I was
thankful, really, and still am
that it received more than
only I could provide, a 20
year old fast food worker.
I can't compare to its
college scholarships and
leadership roles. I never
wanted or needed to.
-
And I didn't ever call as
much as we planned and
I became more of a recluse
than the person it started
dating. But I've been to its
apartment. I took it on
dates, gave it its favorite
stuffed animal, formerly
mine. We don't have a
long history but we do have
a history. I don't even
know if we're broken up.
Tomorrow will be two weeks.
-
Nearly four months. I feel
doomed to never keep a
relationship longer than
four months.
I wish I had what it
takes to commit suicide.
-
[...] & [,,,]
-> [...] & [,,,] - 9.7km $D
gas price ($G) - $/gal
gas price $g/gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
mileage ($M) -> mi / gal
mileage $m mi / gal * 0.264 gal / 1 liter -> mi / liter
$m mi / liter * 1.6 km / 1 mi -> km / liter
-
-
-
-
It messaged me back.
It too has been having
a rough go of things.
I'm in a downward
spiral. I hate this fucking
Christmas music. I use
gum to forget taste, gore
to desensitize sight, music
to ignore my ears,
cleaning work to burn my
nostrils, weed to feel
nothing and forget the
world of which I wish
I wasn't a part.
-
In fleeting moments of peace
I'm overcome by the beauty
of this simple place. Then
my head by the hair is
dragged back into the dark
mirror and I am once again
submerged in my own misery.
I want my face ripped off,
to drown in my own blood
as it's forced into my nose
by the tubes under my eyes,
to see in the mirror the
muscles that scarcely do
else but frown.
-
When people knock on the
bathroom door I get nervous
and leave and they always
look mad at me. Why?
I was doing what they wish
to do. Why not be sympathetic
to what we have in common
-- a urinary tract, a digestive
system. I never take
very long.
I agreed to start coming
into work earlier. It felt
like signing my death
certificate. I'm so tired.
-
This job doesn't pay
enough. I work 50 hour
weeks to be able to
afford basic necessities,
many of which I still forgo.
I charge a battery pack at
work to avoid using electricity
in the apartment. I take
one short shower a week to
avoid water usage and
electricity for the water
heater. I use my phone
flashlight (charged at work
too) to avoid the overhead
lamps.
-
I spend a lot of time at
work. 6 days a week, 8-10
hour days, some 6s around
so I don't get too much
overtime. I show up an
hour early. I spend about
half an hour on the bus, before
that half an hour at the
stop. Then another half
hour at the stop after work.
That's two and a half
hours I spend either at
work or commuting, plus
the usual 8. 2.6 * 6 = 13hrs + 50hrs working
= 63 hrs out of the apartment
-
Then I sleep 8hrs a night,
or at least set aside that
time for it. 56hrs a week.
I have 49hrs a week past
labor, transit, and sleep.
It's time but I wish I had
more. I and my loved ones
are aging. I wanna spend
the prime decades of my life
playing, creating, socializing.
All I do is labor, if not done
by me then someone else. And
I'm exhausted.
-
What makes matters worse
is that I have some innate,
compulsive need to labor if
on the clock as I am paid
to do. This while those around
me use their cell phones to
watch video and otherwise
idle. I work and they do
not and while I slowly
clean the workplace I
wonder, perhaps realize - though
I had already realized, so
moreso I just turn the
thought around in my head
-
like a dead pig's sausage
rotating on a warmer at a
gas station - why this
place is so dirty.
I want to go somewhere
clean, or to nowhere at all.
I want to love in a shallow
pool of water, in Lao-Tzu's
moon. I want to cease
living. I want to die. I
want to be killed. I want
to kill myself. Because then,
at least, the work will
be over.
-
The voices will quiet. I will
calm and my heart will be
still. I will be not too hot,
not too cold, without aching
muscles or aging joints. I
want this finity not as a
termination of my residence
per se but as a respite from
the Hell for which I
constantly volunteer. Many
lean on me; I lean on
nothing. Many know me.
I know nothing. I love many.
And in my heart know I am alone.
-
I watch a lot of
beheadings and it's
kind of a bummer
that they all focus on
the head and not the
body. The blood pouring
out of the neck as if
champagne
uncorked seriously
arouses me. I unironically
want to behead someone
and fuck their windpipe.
I want to be covered
in blood, someone else's
or my own.
-
I don't know what to
do with this notebook.
Who would want to read
this? What kind of
person would identify
with me?
I took my clothes off
and got in the shower
naked. I feel defenseless
when showering, especially
without a knife beside
me. I shampood my
scalp and conditioned
my hair
-
and I took the
washcloth and scrubbed
at my face but my
face was stuck too well
to my skull to be so
easily removed. I scrubbed
down my chest and arms
and legs and neck and
felt where I'd like someone
to saw at me, disconnect
my head from my heart.
I was thirsty but it
felt weird to drink the
shower water.
-
I'm scared of using soap
because it costs so much.
Scared of shampoo and
conditioner because they
cost so much. The
bathroom light and fan.
The water. I scrubbed
at my feet and the bottoms
were gray, the soles
padded with dead skin
because I spend all
my time walking. I scrubbed
at them but not too
much because I'll take any
padding I can get.
-
I finished and dried
myself with a towel and
got out of the shower
and felt lightheaded and
I don't know why. And
I put on clothes and came
out to the living room.
This is the last page of
the notebook and my
hair smells like lavendar
and my arms like
eucalyptus. And I'm sorry
for being here. At least
I'm finally clean.
-
The notebook on which this was written will be incinerated and I will move on
from thinking about any of this.
/blah/2023-12-12.html
Didn't have time to figure out how to set up TeX. Still don't. Don't have time
to explain. I'm so tired. I'm wearing raw. Like skin torn apart by a fall at
high speed onto a road. Flesh torn from bone, then bone itself ground against
sandpaper. My girlfriend stopped texting back two weeks ago. Marrow leakage.
I'm at the bus stop and freezing
Do you get what I mean?
It's been a week since you called me
Am I still in your screen?
I think of you daily
or the bottomless pit
I wanna throw myself into.
But that's just how I think.
You got tired of me, maybe,
as a loving girlfriend
perhaps the novelty faded
into repetition.
But I liked the routine
and I thought it was a happy ending.
After every chapter there's another
is a better life what I'll get?
Or an ache in my side and
my catacomb cage quiet.
I can't sleep anymore without watching people die on-line. I spend one or two
hours a night on watchpeopledie.tv and I've probably seen most of the videos on
the site, I made an account to track my viewing history so I don't watch the
same stuff over and over. I long to know what it feels like to drown, to burn
alive, to bleed out, to be crushed in the cogs of an industrial machine, to be
shredded, beheaded, to die alone in the cold or the heat or a swampy summer
day. I'm kept alive by decision paralysis and the bitter responsibility to make
the world a significantly better place than I found it. I'm so tired.
I imagine, engulfed in flames, or at the edge of consciousness under the sea,
or within the swiftly closing steel maws of an unknowing automaton, or just
after the machete starts sawing, or at the second gush from the vein, or
simply looking at a dirty brick wall as the last sight on this plane, there is
a moment, brief but potent, of realization and acceptance of what has happened,
and that that one moment is the sweetest bliss of certain finity that could be
given to a mortal. Just a tick, one sixty-fourth of a moment in a snap. I hope
decades from now I can experience it and that it's as serene as I hope.
I wonder if I'm just forgettable. Maybe that's all it is. I don't want to be
forgotten but I do. If my words fade into aether I want my kharma to persevere.
/blah/2023-12-10.html
I feel alone and I wish I wasn't.
I don't think Chimera has tex so I'll figure out how to compile it.
/blah/2023-12-03.html
theater of years
10 George woke up behind the curtains on a mat at the same time as some of
the older folk. Two of them were rocking babies, one nearly a newborn and the
other slightly older.
mod me
1 Kaoru Akimoto - Dress Down
2 Weezer - Beverly Hills
3 Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
4 Blood Red Shoes - It's Getting Boring By The Sea
5 Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
6 Penelope Scott - Cigarette Ahegao
7 Fall Out Boy - Thnks fr th Mmrs
8 Crystal Castles - Courtship Dating
9 Junko Yagami - [kanji] no BAY CITY
10 Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts
This is from the Ben Folds album Way to Normal. I went to the
titular Normal on my way to Lincoln and its Amtrack station was just excellent.
11 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Sugar Pills
12 Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
13 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Leave Me Alone
14 MGMT - She Works Out Too Much
15 Weezer - Ain't Got Nobody
16 Gorillaz - Tranz
17 Steve Lacy - Dark Red
18 Fall Out Boy - American Beauty/American Psycho
19 Richard Cheese - Gin & Juice
20 Liza Anne - I Love You, But I Need Another Year
21 C418 - Mellohi
22 Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song
23 Worthikids - Up
24 Austin Weber - Mamma Mia
25 Her's - Speed Racer
26 glass beach - cold weather
27 Machine Girl - Athoth a Go!! Go!!
I've seen them live and it was with the exception of Knocked
Loose the best pit I'd ever been in.
28 Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Pump It Up
29 Tally Hall - Cannibal
30 Oinga Boinga - You Really Got Me
31 Minus the Bear - My Time
32 Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
33 Gotye, Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
34 TeddyLoid - Fly Away
35 Gorillaz, Beck - The Valley of The Pagans
36 Weezer - Hash Pipe
37 nelward - Ghost
This plays on King Possum radio every so often.
38 Magdalena Bay - Killshot
39 Electric Wizard - Funeralopolis
40 Tessa Violet - Wishful Drinking
I saw half alive live in Boston and Tessa Violet opened. It was
kind of uncomfortable because while I am into women and I think Tessa Violet is
also into women her stage presence wasn't really anything I was into nor
anything with which I strongly vibed. Maybe it's just something for those who
are younger than I.
41 R.I.P. - 1-800-Sins
42 Talking Heads - Road to Nowhere
43 Eyeless in Gaza - Seven Years
44 my bloody valentine - Lose My Breath
45 The Cure - Play For Today
46 Marina and the Diamonds - Venus Fly Trap
47 Cyclope - L'hymne a l'amour
Minus diacritical marks.
48 IVE - ELEVEN
49 Superorganism - Something For Your M.I.N.D.
50 Marina and the Diamonds - Bubblegum Bitch
51 Marina and the Diamonds - Primadonna
52 ATARASHII GAKKOI - Pineapple Kryptonite
53 Mareux - The Perfect Girl
christmas music
1 100 gecs - sympathy 4 the grinch
2 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Merry Christmas Everybody
3 Gorillaz - Broken
4 Gorillaz, Bootie Brown - Dirty Harry
5 Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
Coincidentally, I received a Tears concert ticket for Christmas
from either my roommate or his family last year or so.
6 Wham! - Last Christmas
7 My Chemical Romance - All I Want for Christmas Is You
8 Roar - Christmas Kids
9 Mother Mother - Hayloft
10 Misfits - You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
11 Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
12 John Lennon, Yoko Ono - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
Found on /f/.
13 Epic Rap Battles of History, Snoop Dogg - Moses vs Santa Claus
14 K.able, Hatsune Miku - Santa-san wa ROKUDENASHI
15 Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad
16 Mag.Lo, O Super - Never
17 Vierre Cloud - moment
18 Gorillaz - DARE
batteries included
1 LVL1 - FVN!
2 TANUKI - Babybaby No Yume
3 TeddyLoid - Fly Away
4 Vierre Cloud - moment
5 Grimes - Shinigami Eyes
6 Perfume - Electro World
7 3l3d3p - lbitbt
8 100 gecs - bloodstains
This playlist is loosely copied from Usagi's Welcome to Hell
Spotify playlist which I won't be putting here. It accompanied me in 2021 and
2022 but I mainly associate it with my senior year of high school which felt
very fast and very loose and had a lot of parts where I thought I wasn't going
to survive to 18.
9 plasterbrain - Nimbasa CORE
10 Honey Claws - Digital Animal
I can't see the dates on Spotify for Android and I can't use
the web browser open.spotify.com for lack of WideVine on Firefox for the
Raspberry Pi nor the Electron app for lack of a lot of things but this is
definitely from 2022 or so because I recalled this song talking with a coworker
who mentioned this was in Breaking Bad.
11 100 gecs, Fall Out Boy, Craig Owens, Nicole Dollanganger -[...]
The artist credits overflow so hard none of the title can be
shown. This is the Fall Out Boy cover of hand crushed by a mallet by gecs.
12 Hoshina Anniversary, Kodai of KinKieS - EPTM
13 TeddyLoid - Theme for Scanty & Knee Socks
14 TeddyLoid - Corset Theme
15 100 gecs - mememe
16 Ado, TeddyLoid - [kangi] no piero - TeddyLoid Remix
17 Mitsunori Ikeda, Aimee B - Fallen Angel
18 Grimes - Kill V. Maim
19 Bring Me The Horizon, BABYMETAL - Kingslayer
When this song leaked it leaked as When Will We Be Free and
Kingslayer tied into a single MP3. It may be my favorite of both bands' work.
I looped it while playing through GZDOOM on my Thinkpad T420 on a really nice
NEC SyncMaster or something like that 70Hz LCD display.
20 The Living Tombstone - Five Nights at Freddy's
21 Danny Brown - Ain't it Funny
22 clipping. - Story 2
23 Zack Fox - fafo
I always associate Ain't it Funny / Story 2 / fafo with each
other as a series of tracks. Or maybe in the reverse of that order. It makes
sense lyrically and rhythmically and the first time I heard them was something
like that order in the car with Usagi coming back from the bagel place.
24 Mitchie M., Hatsune Miku - ageageagein
Transliterated from katakana.
25 Badflower - Girlfriend
I've seen Badflower live but I didn't think the track selection
of the set was that great - he opened for My Chemical Romance in September
2022, the day the Queen of England died (REST IN PISS IMPERIAL FUCK).
26 Pisse - Fahrradsattel
27 The Moldy Peaches - Little Bunny Foo Foo
I really love the video vewn did to accompany this song. My
only cotton T-shirt is vewn merch that I got for Christmas from Usagi, I've
seen all their videos on recommendation from Usagi and they're one of if not my
favorite animator.
28 LIZ - When I Rule the World
29 Slayyyter - Hello Kitty
30 Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - PONPONPON
I can't help thinking of the awful webm Pomf Pomf Pomf when I
think of this song but I really love the song.
31 Fandroid! - You Signed a Contract
Cuphead music is a nice niche.
32 Laura Les - Haunted
33 WAKUSEI ABNORMAL - furare [kanji]
34 Sidhu Moose Wala - Mafia Style
35 Magdalena Bay - Mercurial World
36 quiizzzmeow, Midix - KATANA
37 Poppy - All The Things She Said
Lily (the one from Maine whom I kin) hates this cover and only
likes the original track.
38 Poppy - Fear of Dying
39 Mindless Self Indulgence - Bitches
40 Ck9c, Elizabeth Ann - You Can't Hide
41 Sleeping With Sirens - Better Off Dead
42 Marina and the Diamonds - Homewrecker
When I came back to Maine from Florida and got another Burger
King job I met this dude named Austin and told him, slowly over the course of
many shifts, about how I was going to move across the country on a whim and
that he should live for pleasure and be unafraid of taking risks. He also had
a seemingly abusive girlfriend with whom I encouraged him to break up because
she was seemingly abusive - she threatened to commit suicide when he brought up
maybe taking a break or something, made him cut off contact with his friends
and forbid him from talking with any other women, and just generally seemed
very controlling. He didn't wanna break up with her because he didn't want to
Be Single, as if that was a sordid label. I said honestly man I would rather be
single than be in that relationship. Since that, I associate this song with my
own actions. I didn't fuck him though. Not my type.
43 Marina and the Diamonds - Power & Control
44 Mindless Self Indulgence - What Do They Know?
45 Coco & Clair Clair, Okthxbb - Pretty
I used to play this song while doing reprehensible things to
others while also wearing really nice outfits. My goal was to give at least one
guy a humiliation fetish while I beat the shit out of him.
46 Breathe Carolina - Blackout
I will black out, actually - I always fall asleep 1-2 hours
after getting high. I don't get enough sleep.
47 t.A.T.u. - All The Things She Said
48 Poppy - Girls In Bikinis
One of my sidekick's best catchphrases is "God I love women".
Same, bestie.
49 100 gecs - money machine
50 TeddyLoid, Giga, LOLUET - desperate
Translated from katakana.
51 JVNLIII - Physical Self
52 Rebzyyx, hoshie star - all I want is you
Disassembled my GitHub; deleted the last few remaining repositories, made my
account private, and changed the username to trn1ty as well as cleared some
info boxes. Fuck proprietary services.
/blah/2023-12-02.html
depression sterilized
1 Lipps Inc. - Funkytown
The first time I heard this song I was probably very young and
listening to 70s radio on a real, FM radio, which is now somewhat rare in a
world of Spotify (the platform on which I made this playlist in 2015-2017) and
FLACs. But I grew up with this song on Windows XP, using the On-Line Radio
feature in Windows Media Player to stream Laut FM, which I think is a German
radio station. Laut's cut of Funkytown was, in my faint decade-since
recollection, only the verses and not the choruses? Which seems wrong but is
what I remember. I would play PrxCraft, Project X Craft, I think named after
Project X Zone, a popular video game, which was at the time still administered
by KevinEssence. After he lost a lot of money gambling in CsGoLotto or whatever
it was he sold the Minecraft server to some other entity and it passed through
many hands and lost value each time, much like Tumblr. PrxCraft had Factions,
essentially typical Survival-mode Minecraft, and I think some other cool game
modes, but my favorite was Skygrid which left you on a grid of blocks in the
sky to slowly find resources and build out an almost normal-looking farm.
Microsoft Windows XP had, and later Windows didn't, the ability to
place the music controls on the taskbar itself for Windows Media Player so you
could control the music from any other app. It was snazzy stuff at the time
though Linux kids were doing way cooler stuff.
2 Pink Floyd - Time
3 I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Do It All The Time
4 Paramore - Hard Times
5 Nena - Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann
6 Eagles - Hotel California
7 The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
8 Bobby "Boris" Pickett, The Crypt-Kickers - Monster Mash
9 Gerard Way - Baby You're a Haunted House
10 Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
11 The Andrews Sisters - Rum and Coca Cola
12 Guster - Great Escape
13 America, George Martin - A Horse with No Name
14 The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
15 Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
16 Horace Silver - Song For My Father
In high school I had a crush on a jazz band bass player and at
a band concert the jazz band played this song with his part very noticeable and
some improv near the end. I wanted to know the song well so I could impress him
somehow by knowing of it. High schooler logic. I did eventually get with his
twin brother through a very complicated and convoluted chain of happenings
nobody really expected.
17 Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle
18 M.I.A. - Paper Planes
19 R.E.M. - Crush With Eyeliner
I had this tape which is why I love this album so much. My cell
phone died whenever it got chilly, which is a common occurence in Maine, but my
Walkman kept trudging through whatever I threw at it whether rain, sleet, or
snow. My first tapes were (in this order) Blue Hawai'i, Monster, Awesome Mix
Vol. 1, and Goldfly. The first two found at a thrift store along with a shitty
wowing cassette player (which I scrapped soon after purchasing) and the second
two I wrote to tape by first burning CDs and then using a Sony combination
boombox.
20 Genesis - Land of Confusion
This was my Current Events teacher's favorite song.
21 The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin
22 The Licks - Lavender Kiss
This was the favorite song of an Anonymous person I was talking
to on-line. They were in my area, I think, but we never met.
23 R.E.M. - I Don't Sleep, I Dream
24 Peking Duk - Wasted
25 The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
I got this out of a LinusTechTips YouTube video about making
art for one's self and the love of creation.
26 Childish Gambino - Sober
27 Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
28 Caroline Rose - Soul No. 5
She opened for Guster and I bought the tape of Loser. Really
good album, I used to stay up late to listen to it.
29 The Beatles - Helter Skelter
I saw Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie sing this together on the
second Twins of Evil tour.
30 Charli XCX, Troye Sivan - 1999
31 AWOLNATION - Table for One
They opened for Panic! at the Disco.
32 The Killers - Mr. Brightside
33 Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
34 Credence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
35 Flatsound - If We Could Just Pretend
I've probably cried to this song more than half the times I've
heard it. The guitar tabs are easy and I've cried while playing it, too.
36 Justice - D.A.N.C.E
37 Dire Straights - Money for Nothing
38 Beach Bunny - Prom Queen
39 Kero Kero Bonito - Flamingo
40 Michael Gray - The Weekend
41 Skeeter Davis - The End of the World
Heard on 1470 WLAM but also as the end song in Granite Flats.
42 Miki Matsubara - Mayonaka no Door / Stay with Me
43 half alive - still feel.
44 Radiohead - Videotape
This song fills me with raw emotion and I can't bear to listen
to it anymore. I skip it when it comes on after the rest of In Rainbows.
45 Elton John - I'm Still Standing
I'm deleting my Spotify. No more proprietary services.
++work
1 Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
I impressed the rest of the kids at science camp by making our
Lego EV3 bot play this song while doing the rest of what it was supposed to be
doing. This playlist was my learning to program playlist.
2 Boney M. - Rasputin
3 TOTO - Africa
4 Dizzee Rascal, Armand Van Helden - Bonkers
I got this from a Rick and Morty trailer. This felt really real
to me because by this point I had done some jarring stuff on the Internet.
5 Guster - Great Escape
I love this song.
6 Bob Dylan - All Along the Watchtower
7 Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
8 Justice - D.A.N.C.E
9 Michael Gray - The Weekend
10 Oliver Tree - Fuck
I loved Oliver Tree who was recommended to me by a friend in
Saudi Arabia. I heard he took tabs of his music off some guitar sites recently
though so that's a bummer.
11 Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck
I've seen the 2010 movie Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World many times
and love it. Haven't read the comic or seen the anime though.
12 Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl