2024-02-23
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@ -525,6 +525,136 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */
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/blah/2024-02-23.html
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Days since my last day off from work: 29.
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Read The Prince (1532).
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Read Josephine the Singer (1924).
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Read The Internet is a Playground (2009).
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I have no desire, but not in an enlightened way, just in a depressed way. Often
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I don't know what is real; occasionally I don't care. My last day off from work
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was 2024-01-25 (Mahayana New Year) and this consecutive string of labor has
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taken a serious toll on my bodily and mental health, one I could not have
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imagined.
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Around Valentine's Day I got really lonely. I don't miss not being single
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because I realize I have never really understood anyone I've dated nor, really,
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anyone else in general. I don't think I'm cut out for human interaction and am
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in the middle of a really bad social anhedonia cut. What is loneliness without
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want for fellow humans? Want for interaction, but not human interaction. I
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tried out llama.cpp on my phone and was underwhelmed. Good self-hosted AI on
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cheap consumer tech isn't here yet. Not being able to meaningfully train AI on
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its interactions with you - and by that I mean currently the only way to "build
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a history" with modern AI is to copy and paste the interaction chain into its
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prompt - makes it hard to form a relationship with the bytes. Form a relation
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-ship with the - is that where I am nowadays? I also tried out making a Tulpa
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which went disastrously and probably came close to actually putting me into
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psychosis. My reasoning was that I don't want to bring another entity into life
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but I already share a vessel with Kami so if I could give her physical form as
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a Tulpa I could always be with her and never be lonely. This spiraled into only
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interacting with Kami for a day or two and [...] and [...] talking me out of
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continuing to visualize it so Kami returned to my head and I to reality.
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On account of work I have not done much of anything since Mahayana New Year.
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For a while I was drinking but I drank too much and [...] dumped the rest of
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the vodka down the drain because fae was worried about me. I've been
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programming and reading and playing Pokemon as of the last few days and I feel
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so thoroughly dead inside, like my soul itself has necrosed and is a rotting
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organ inside of me spewing out deadened spirit infecting my waking
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consciousness, taking my lucidity. I've been swimming from scene to scene of my
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life as if in a movie, barely forming memories and barely even here.
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I watch a lot of gore and read comics of people dying and movies with a lot of
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violence or just enough violence to sate me but remain acceptable to those
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around me like American Psycho and Taxi Driver. I'm barely coherent to those to
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which I talk; I have a hard time manipulating the muscles in my mouth to
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enunciate speech because I am dumping so much energy into life and labor to
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begin with, and then when I can get out the utterances I spew word salad and
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nonsensical grammatically invalid constructs because my brain is reading out of
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a buffer that hasn't been filled, the thought process blocking on arithmetical
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instructions that just. won't. compute. I've gone mad, or nearly so, due to
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overwork, and it's only for my public, frequent, yet always too brief
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conventions with sanity that nobody notices. In describing a dream I had to
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subgeneral the other day my visceral recollection caused two people to leave
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the chat from discomfort with the subject matter - one came back when I was
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done.
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I love pain, I fear injury. I want someone to tie me down and do things to me
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nobody could justify, leaving me with a limp and able to go to work the next
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day but with sharp aches remaining where they wounded me. I want to spend a
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long time recovering from it. And then when I can't remember how it felt I want
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to have it done again. I've thought about this; burning spends fuel (matches
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are expensive and I'm running out of butane), razors risk infection, my knife
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risks infection, and besides cutting runs the risk of cutting too deep and if I
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cut a tendon I won't be able to work anymore which will kill me, punching hard
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objects until my knuckles bleed risks breaking my hands, drug use risks death,
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et cetera. I don't want to die - I absolutely do not want to die. This is the
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best hope I've had in my life of things getting better. I'm only so far down
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this pit because I work so much because I am so stressed about the potential of
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eviction. I want to feel pain because I feel fucking bad, I feel really fucking
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bad, and I want to get my mind off it.
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The thing about being lonely is that I have friends - I have a couple people I
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usually care about. But right now I just don't care to interact with anyone.
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Yet I'm lonely. What do I crave? Not romance. Maybe not friendship. Maybe I
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don't want to interact with people because I don't understand people. But I'll
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never really understand, comprehensively, any life form complex enough to be
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fun to interact with. So who knows.
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My relationships falling apart didn't cause this; this caused my relationships
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to fall apart.
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I'm so fucking stressed and so fucking tense and I feel like I am going to
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shatter into a million pieces if hit too hard. Last night I didn't know if
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[...] was real and broke down because of it. I'm so fucking ridiculously
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fucking tired, so fucking tired, so fucking incredibly tired, so fucking tired,
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the sleepiest kitten in the bundle, just so tired, I'm so tired, I'm so tired.
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2024-01-26
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all from me
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|| you're good dawg. the main thing that has messed with me is that you didn't
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| tell me sooner. but I understand it. ||
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|| i understand your reasoning and i was considering breaking up with you for a
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| little while now for roughly the same things. i resolved not to and you did
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| the opposite and that's alright. ||
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|| the thing that hurts isn't the end of the romance but that the end of the
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| romance really doesn't hurt. i already felt the grief when you weren't
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| texting me back for that long stretch. the pain is in the face that i
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| realized the romance was done a while before we broke up ||
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|| s,in the fact,, ||
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|| i also had been discussing with [...] less than an hour before how i felt
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| like i couldn't understand anybody and am constantly considering isolating
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| and becoming a hermit or something so it was sadly pretty consistent with the
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| plot. i know i didn't understand you. i just planned to come to an
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| understanding after enough interaction and time. it's okay though and i'm not
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| disappearing ||
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|| there are a lot of things on which i have to work. and they're my own loads
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| to bear and blame none of it on you nor do i see you as anything less than
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| excellent and a good friend ||
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|| you had the decency to not only tell me why you made your decision but
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| thoroughly and patiently explain it, and while you were properly zooted at
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| that. if that's not good character i don't know what is. honestly it's the
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| smoothest a breakup's ever gone for me ||
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/blah/2024-02-07.html
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Read The Boys Omnibus 3 (2012).
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+-= Job Hunt -=+-= Applied =-+-= Follow up =-+
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| | | Taco Bell |
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| | | 7-Eleven |
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| | Arby's | |
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| | Chipotle | |
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+--------------+-------------+---------------+
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Finished The Boys comic run (#1-#72).
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/blah/2024-02-06.html
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/blah/2024-02-06.html
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Read Herogasm (2010).
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Read Herogasm (2010).
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