2024-07-31

/blah/2024-07-31.html

: my acid trip

I don't remember much of my acid trip. I was working on something or another,

or maybe just doomscrolling - a rotten, nasty habit I've picked up during my

prolonged depression of about the last half year - no, wait, let's back up. So

the tab I took would have been 200ug but I had half of that (cut into a

triangle) and I held it under my tongue for an hour before swallowing it, sort

of like taking sublingual estradiol valerate. Then, during that hour, I

probably scrolled doom. Wait, let's back up some more. So the reason I went on

my trip is because I was severely, profoundly depressed, and was entertaining

the notion of killing myself via helium tank and oxygen mask. I was at rock

bottom and then some. This was because I felt that I'd mostly fucked up my

friendships by getting in a kind of nasty on my side argument with [...]. And

that was because I realized I had been paying its rent for about nine months to

keep a roof over my own head while it had remained mostly unemployed. One of

the reasons for my hitting rock bottom was that I believed the only people in

this world I sort of care about had been mostly leeching off me for nearly a

year while I had been on the dark side of depression and getting mentally worse

and worse, and those that I cared about either didn't notice or didn't care.

And I don't know now if they care but I'm not particularly concerned because

these remain the only people I can really tolerate. The reason I was thinking

about killing myself was because I was planning to move far away from anyone I

care about, and I couldn't find apartments there and had hardly a faint notion

of how I would live when I got there. I realized I would probably once again be

homeless, living in a dead-end city, working fast food, and I decided killing

myself was a better option than going through that again. And the reason I was

going to move was because the people I cared about wanted me out, because we

had gotten in an argument, and what compounded my depression was that just as

we were getting to the point of financial stability, of three of us having jobs

- the precipice, so damn close to my being able to go part-time and look for a

different job, right as I would be able to mostly work for myself rather than

my wages going to everyone who needed them - I was going to leave, mostly not

of my own volition but because I was wanted gone. So I had worked nine months

for the happiness of people who were discarding me, and I would be able to

share in none of the good times. That's why I dropped acid, and that was rock

bottom for me. I realized that if acid didn't, as the saying went, debug my

brain, I would be cutting power to the computer, because I couldn't continue

living the way I had. About an hour into doomscrolling I was suddenly seized by

a fit of emotionless laughter that surprised me. I assumed it was the placebo

effect - it was too early for the acid to even start kicking in - but was

confused by it. Then after about ten minutes everything started to change. The

light shining into the living room had a fantastic shimmer to it, the trees

swayed together in beautiful synchrony to the wind, my friends had a glow on

the surface of their skin. I tuned the television to Double King, an animation

purportedly even wilder on LSD, but it didn't really catch my attention. Time

lost its linearity entirely and events twisted upon themselves, causality was

damned, happenings overlapped with others. Chronology was nonsense, a ludicrous

concept for the insane. I saw kharma, the energy itself, real as Newtonian

physics. My stuffed shark Mynn had fur, soft fur, cut into triangles, and I

explored the surface of buns coat for hours, a forest of angles cutting into

the sky. This grasshopper crawled up onto the window and one of my roommates

pointed it out to me. I said "oh, wow". They said I was tripping balls. I said

"what?". They said I would never react to a cool bug by saying "oOOoH waaow". I

didn't quite understand. I got hungry and wanted ramen, so [...], who was trip

sitting me, made me ramen, and while fae was cooking I sat in the entryway to

the kitchen distraught. "I fucked everything up... and for what? It's all so

silly. I continue to harbor no resentment towards y'all. I don't wanna go to

Ohio." Fae said "There are ways to fix it, you know". I asked how. Fae said I

could get a job that wasn't killing me. I said I couldn't apply while tripping.

Fae said fae could apply for me. So I gave faer my resume and fae got to work

applying me to some high paying job while I had ramen at the table and laid on

the futon and looked out through the window - these three things

simultaneously. I chose ramen because I had heard spaghetti was notoriously

difficult to eat while tripping, and I did almost get lost traversing Bowl

Noodles on the way to chopstick land, but by breathing and not overthinking

things I finished my ramen and sat back in the kitchen while [...] made the

ramen I was eating. "Y'know, breathing really is the frame of reference. It's

everything. The breath is the focus point." I said and fae agreed. [...]:

"Always has been." Suddenly we were on the moon. Then I was thrust back to

Terra and landed on the couch to stare into space. [...] gave me some headpats

but too few.

I started whispering to myself, in my head. Deus ex machina, deus ex machina.

Fate from the machinations. If only there were a way to headpats. Then the

front door shuddered as [...], my ex from a couple months back, stepped in, two

hours into its scheduled shift at work. It had left as I held the tab under my

tongue, before my trip commenced. It was my preferred trip sitter but

Then I was crying, just after my trip started. I had an enormity, a belly full

of laughter, then I was crying on [...]'s shoulder, my body exhaling its

emotional toxins with every heaving sob. "Are you laughing?" fae asked me. I

between wails managed to mutter "No." "Are you laughing so hard you're crying?"

Again, "No." You're crying? I let go of [...] and stood rapt, my back straight,

my head steady, though my face was contorted into a deeply pained scowl and my

tears hadn't stopped flowing. I exhaled. It all left me. "I'm terribly sorry

for such an emotional outburst." I went to stare out of the window at the

rapidly aging earth, sun blasting out my eye holes using space lasers, trees

dancing so melodically. It seemed to matter to nobody. Nobody cared. I felt

free.

Then [...] held my hands in faers after I had finished my ramen. Fae looked me

in the eyes. "Trinity. Listen to me. I care about you." What? No. "No, I'm

serious. You mean a lot to me." How? I mean nothing to myself.

it had work today and today would have been the day I killed myself. "Just quit

work."

The rain poured down on us. We sat together at the corner, down the hill. I

didn't know how I got there. I watched its hair get wet and laughed gently,

noting its hair was perfect no matter the weather. It smiled and said it was

getting cold, so we should go back. So we started walking back up the hill,

back towards Big Lots", I said. "Big Lots?" it said. "Do you wanna go walk to

Big Lots?" "I want to go walk to Big Lots!" "We should walk to Big Lots!" any

of those three, their realities conjoining. I was probably peaking.

Big Lots. Shelves. Cat food. "Do you want this collar?" a cat collar. It asked.

"Maybe I oughtta put a collar on you." I replied. We went into the Big Lots. I

headed over to the back to look at the random electronics shit. I spotted the

headphones. "I'd like a pair of headphones to listen to Nurture by Porter

Robinson." It had a $20 bill but I didn't wanna spend $10 on headphones. We

moved over to the pet supply section, the munchies, then I went over to the

furniture section to check out the furniture. We tried out the overpriced

chairs and I checked out the drawers. It spoke. "Y'know, I would buy you a

bureau."

At that moment - I looked through the world, through the hill - at the stuff of

mine under my desk at the apartment. Splayed out because I couldn't get the

energy to clean it up. Nothing gross, just cables and clothes. In my mind's eye

I saw my stuff arrange into neat squares into some drawers. I'd like that.

We left Big Lots without buying anything and went over to a corner and felt the

starting rain on our skin. [...] accompanied me and [...] on our walk but I

asked faer to leave so I could ask my ex something, and I asked it then: "Are

you into me?" "Wow, that was quite... forward." "Well are you?" I couldn't get

a good read on it. "I don't know. Are you into me?" I lied: "I don't know."

Then I realized I couldn't leave it at that, not now. "Yes. Yes, I'm terribly

attracted to you. You are drop dead fuckin gorgeous. You're amazing. Badass."

It got flustered. We got back inside and it went off and did something else.

We were walking down the hill before Big Lots. "Y'know, one time my dad said

'that's some big hail' to me, and I thought he said 'snail' and I looked

outside and I said 'where's the snail?'" I put on an episode of Nichijou. I

don't remember which one, or anything about it. The OP was trippy though. [...]

continued its snail story: "I just didn't get that he was saying hail." I found

a YouTube playlist for Nurture. "And I didn't even realize until, like, a year

later." I turned each television speaker to face towards the immediate front of

the TV. How could someone care about me? Does anyone care about me? I was alone

in the living room, absent trip sitter or anyone else. I was really sad and

didn't know why. I got my sleeping bag and laid directly in front of and

perpendicular to the television, my head nearly against the screen. I hit Play.

I see visual snow. Not to the extent of visual snow syndrome, which I think is

qualified by disruption of daily life (mine is benign but always present). I

didn't know this until a roommate and I were talking about closed eye

visualizations and it came up. I thought it was normal; my vision just had this

"film grain", or the digital sensor was noisy, or something. When I close my

eyes there's this fuzziness, this ambiguity of hue caused by my visual snow

placing microscopic instantaneous spots of darkening and lightening on

everything I see, sort of like when you use a bad television antenna. Again, I

never noticed this because it never mattered to me; I could just look a little

longer at something to get enough information to discern the precise color,

sort of like a camera taking multiple pictures to use to denoise an image. I

see this snow when my eyes are closed, and when it's dark as it was in the

living room, they're simple blinking pearls of dark gray upon black.

Except these pearls were color, rainbows. And as I sailed my ship on the seas

of this album's song, they started to move consistently, which they had never

done. My visual snow was dancing to the music. So were the trees that night. I

drifted off into a cloud of Nurture and felt comfortable like I was being

comforted, which was a feeling that wasn't particularly familiar to me.

I lay in a field under the soft cloudy sky joining the earth.

I was eating a tuna sandwich. The album was over. I felt entirely different. I

put my sleeping bag on the futon and fell asleep. I didn't feel good, or

comfortable. I might have felt loved but probably not. I just felt like I

wanted to change, or maybe I wanted a change.

/blah/2024-07-30.html

tenpo lili la mi pali e sitelen ni, tan tenpo ali la mi pali ante.

In little time I work on this blah, for all the time I work elsewhere.

tenpo suno ni, la

Today,

mi wile taawa mute

I will travel a lot

li wile pali e moku mute

and will make a lot of food

li wile kon e kasi nasa

and will breathe a silly plant

tenpo mun kama, la mi wile lape

Tonight, I will sleep

kon mi li pilin lape. mi kama pona lon tenpo suno ni lon tenpo ni pi sike mun.

My spirit is tired. I'm becoming good over today and over this month.

kon mi li kama pilin pona. ni wile lon tenpo mute.

My spirit is becoming happy. This will occur over much time.

mi toki lon toki pona tawa jan pona mi. mi toki lon toki Inli tawa jan pali mi.

toki pona li pona tawa mi. toki Inli li Inli tawa mi :P

 }
+/blah/2024-07-31.html
+: my acid trip
+I don't remember much of my acid trip. I was working on something or another,
+or maybe just doomscrolling - a rotten, nasty habit I've picked up during my
+prolonged depression of about the last half year - no, wait, let's back up. So
+the tab I took would have been 200ug but I had half of that (cut into a
+triangle) and I held it under my tongue for an hour before swallowing it, sort
+of like taking sublingual estradiol valerate. Then, during that hour, I
+probably scrolled doom. Wait, let's back up some more. So the reason I went on
+my trip is because I was severely, profoundly depressed, and was entertaining
+the notion of killing myself via helium tank and oxygen mask. I was at rock
+bottom and then some. This was because I felt that I'd mostly fucked up my
+friendships by getting in a kind of nasty on my side argument with [...]. And
+that was because I realized I had been paying its rent for about nine months to
+keep a roof over my own head while it had remained mostly unemployed. One of
+the reasons for my hitting rock bottom was that I believed the only people in
+this world I sort of care about had been mostly leeching off me for nearly a
+year while I had been on the dark side of depression and getting mentally worse
+and worse, and those that I cared about either didn't notice or didn't care.
+And I don't know now if they care but I'm not particularly concerned because
+these remain the only people I can really tolerate. The reason I was thinking
+about killing myself was because I was planning to move far away from anyone I
+care about, and I couldn't find apartments there and had hardly a faint notion
+of how I would live when I got there. I realized I would probably once again be
+homeless, living in a dead-end city, working fast food, and I decided killing
+myself was a better option than going through that again. And the reason I was
+going to move was because the people I cared about wanted me out, because we
+had gotten in an argument, and what compounded my depression was that just as
+we were getting to the point of financial stability, of three of us having jobs
+- the precipice, so damn close to my being able to go part-time and look for a
+different job, right as I would be able to mostly work for myself rather than
+my wages going to everyone who needed them - I was going to leave, mostly not
+of my own volition but because I was wanted gone. So I had worked nine months
+for the happiness of people who were discarding me, and I would be able to
+share in none of the good times. That's why I dropped acid, and that was rock
+bottom for me. I realized that if acid didn't, as the saying went, debug my
+brain, I would be cutting power to the computer, because I couldn't continue
+living the way I had. About an hour into doomscrolling I was suddenly seized by
+a fit of emotionless laughter that surprised me. I assumed it was the placebo
+effect - it was too early for the acid to even start kicking in - but was
+confused by it. Then after about ten minutes everything started to change. The
+light shining into the living room had a fantastic shimmer to it, the trees
+swayed together in beautiful synchrony to the wind, my friends had a glow on
+the surface of their skin. I tuned the television to Double King, an animation
+purportedly even wilder on LSD, but it didn't really catch my attention. Time
+lost its linearity entirely and events twisted upon themselves, causality was
+damned, happenings overlapped with others. Chronology was nonsense, a ludicrous
+concept for the insane. I saw kharma, the energy itself, real as Newtonian
+physics. My stuffed shark Mynn had fur, soft fur, cut into triangles, and I
+explored the surface of buns coat for hours, a forest of angles cutting into
+the sky. This grasshopper crawled up onto the window and one of my roommates
+pointed it out to me. I said "oh, wow". They said I was tripping balls. I said
+"what?". They said I would never react to a cool bug by saying "oOOoH waaow". I
+didn't quite understand. I got hungry and wanted ramen, so [...], who was trip
+sitting me, made me ramen, and while fae was cooking I sat in the entryway to
+the kitchen distraught. "I fucked everything up... and for what? It's all so
+silly. I continue to harbor no resentment towards y'all. I don't wanna go to
+Ohio." Fae said "There are ways to fix it, you know". I asked how. Fae said I
+could get a job that wasn't killing me. I said I couldn't apply while tripping.
+Fae said fae could apply for me. So I gave faer my resume and fae got to work
+applying me to some high paying job while I had ramen at the table and laid on
+the futon and looked out through the window - these three things
+simultaneously. I chose ramen because I had heard spaghetti was notoriously
+difficult to eat while tripping, and I did almost get lost traversing Bowl
+Noodles on the way to chopstick land, but by breathing and not overthinking
+things I finished my ramen and sat back in the kitchen while [...] made the
+ramen I was eating. "Y'know, breathing really is the frame of reference. It's
+everything. The breath is the focus point." I said and fae agreed. [...]:
+"Always has been." Suddenly we were on the moon. Then I was thrust back to
+Terra and landed on the couch to stare into space. [...] gave me some headpats
+but too few.
+I started whispering to myself, in my head. Deus ex machina, deus ex machina.
+Fate from the machinations. If only there were a way to headpats. Then the
+front door shuddered as [...], my ex from a couple months back, stepped in, two
+hours into its scheduled shift at work. It had left as I held the tab under my
+tongue, before my trip commenced. It was my preferred trip sitter but
+Then I was crying, just after my trip started. I had an enormity, a belly full
+of laughter, then I was crying on [...]'s shoulder, my body exhaling its
+emotional toxins with every heaving sob. "Are you laughing?" fae asked me. I
+between wails managed to mutter "No." "Are you laughing so hard you're crying?"
+Again, "No." You're crying? I let go of [...] and stood rapt, my back straight,
+my head steady, though my face was contorted into a deeply pained scowl and my
+tears hadn't stopped flowing. I exhaled. It all left me. "I'm terribly sorry
+for such an emotional outburst." I went to stare out of the window at the
+rapidly aging earth, sun blasting out my eye holes using space lasers, trees
+dancing so melodically. It seemed to matter to nobody. Nobody cared. I felt
+free.
+Then [...] held my hands in faers after I had finished my ramen. Fae looked me
+in the eyes. "Trinity. Listen to me. I care about you." What? No. "No, I'm
+serious. You mean a lot to me." How? I mean nothing to myself.
+it had work today and today would have been the day I killed myself. "Just quit
+work."
+The rain poured down on us. We sat together at the corner, down the hill. I
+didn't know how I got there. I watched its hair get wet and laughed gently,
+noting its hair was perfect no matter the weather. It smiled and said it was
+getting cold, so we should go back. So we started walking back up the hill,
+back towards Big Lots", I said. "Big Lots?" it said. "Do you wanna go walk to
+Big Lots?" "I want to go walk to Big Lots!" "We should walk to Big Lots!" any
+of those three, their realities conjoining. I was probably peaking.
+Big Lots. Shelves. Cat food. "Do you want this collar?" a cat collar. It asked.
+"Maybe I oughtta put a collar on you." I replied. We went into the Big Lots. I
+headed over to the back to look at the random electronics shit. I spotted the
+headphones. "I'd like a pair of headphones to listen to Nurture by Porter
+Robinson." It had a $20 bill but I didn't wanna spend $10 on headphones. We
+moved over to the pet supply section, the munchies, then I went over to the
+furniture section to check out the furniture. We tried out the overpriced
+chairs and I checked out the drawers. It spoke. "Y'know, I would buy you a
+bureau."
+At that moment - I looked through the world, through the hill - at the stuff of
+mine under my desk at the apartment. Splayed out because I couldn't get the
+energy to clean it up. Nothing gross, just cables and clothes. In my mind's eye
+I saw my stuff arrange into neat squares into some drawers. I'd like that.
+We left Big Lots without buying anything and went over to a corner and felt the
+starting rain on our skin. [...] accompanied me and [...] on our walk but I
+asked faer to leave so I could ask my ex something, and I asked it then: "Are
+you into me?" "Wow, that was quite... forward." "Well are you?" I couldn't get
+a good read on it. "I don't know. Are you into me?" I lied: "I don't know."
+Then I realized I couldn't leave it at that, not now. "Yes. Yes, I'm terribly
+attracted to you. You are drop dead fuckin gorgeous. You're amazing. Badass."
+It got flustered. We got back inside and it went off and did something else.
+We were walking down the hill before Big Lots. "Y'know, one time my dad said
+'that's some big hail' to me, and I thought he said 'snail' and I looked
+outside and I said 'where's the snail?'" I put on an episode of Nichijou. I
+don't remember which one, or anything about it. The OP was trippy though. [...]
+continued its snail story: "I just didn't get that he was saying hail." I found
+a YouTube playlist for Nurture. "And I didn't even realize until, like, a year
+later." I turned each television speaker to face towards the immediate front of
+the TV. How could someone care about me? Does anyone care about me? I was alone
+in the living room, absent trip sitter or anyone else. I was really sad and
+didn't know why. I got my sleeping bag and laid directly in front of and
+perpendicular to the television, my head nearly against the screen. I hit Play.
+I see visual snow. Not to the extent of visual snow syndrome, which I think is
+qualified by disruption of daily life (mine is benign but always present). I
+didn't know this until a roommate and I were talking about closed eye
+visualizations and it came up. I thought it was normal; my vision just had this
+"film grain", or the digital sensor was noisy, or something. When I close my
+eyes there's this fuzziness, this ambiguity of hue caused by my visual snow
+placing microscopic instantaneous spots of darkening and lightening on
+everything I see, sort of like when you use a bad television antenna. Again, I
+never noticed this because it never mattered to me; I could just look a little
+longer at something to get enough information to discern the precise color,
+sort of like a camera taking multiple pictures to use to denoise an image. I
+see this snow when my eyes are closed, and when it's dark as it was in the
+living room, they're simple blinking pearls of dark gray upon black.
+Except these pearls were color, rainbows. And as I sailed my ship on the seas
+of this album's song, they started to move consistently, which they had never
+done. My visual snow was dancing to the music. So were the trees that night. I
+drifted off into a cloud of Nurture and felt comfortable like I was being
+comforted, which was a feeling that wasn't particularly familiar to me.
+I lay in a field under the soft cloudy sky joining the earth.
+I was eating a tuna sandwich. The album was over. I felt entirely different. I
+put my sleeping bag on the futon and fell asleep. I didn't feel good, or
+comfortable. I might have felt loved but probably not. I just felt like I
+wanted to change, or maybe I wanted a change.
+/blah/2024-07-30.html
+tenpo lili la mi pali e sitelen ni, tan tenpo ali la mi pali ante.
+In little time I work on this blah, for all the time I work elsewhere.
+tenpo suno ni, la
+Today,
+	mi wile taawa mute
+	I will travel a lot
+	li wile pali e moku mute
+	and will make a lot of food
+	li wile kon e kasi nasa
+	and will breathe a silly plant
+tenpo mun kama, la mi wile lape
+Tonight, I will sleep
+kon mi li pilin lape. mi kama pona lon tenpo suno ni lon tenpo ni pi sike mun.
+My spirit is tired. I'm becoming good over today and over this month.
+kon mi li kama pilin pona. ni wile lon tenpo mute.
+My spirit is becoming happy. This will occur over much time.
+mi toki lon toki pona tawa jan pona mi. mi toki lon toki Inli tawa jan pali mi.
+toki pona li pona tawa mi. toki Inli li Inli tawa mi :P
 /blah/2024-07-25.html
 : the resignation letter i wrote

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