2024-07-31

/blah/2024-07-31.html

: my acid trip

I don't remember much of my acid trip. I was working on something or another,

or maybe just doomscrolling - a rotten, nasty habit I've picked up during my

prolonged depression of about the last half year - no, wait, let's back up. So

the tab I took would have been 200ug but I had half of that (cut into a

triangle) and I held it under my tongue for an hour before swallowing it, sort

of like taking sublingual estradiol valerate. Then, during that hour, I

probably scrolled doom. Wait, let's back up some more. So the reason I went on

my trip is because I was severely, profoundly depressed, and was entertaining

the notion of killing myself via helium tank and oxygen mask. I was at rock

bottom and then some. This was because I felt that I'd mostly fucked up my

friendships by getting in a kind of nasty on my side argument with [...]. And

that was because I realized I had been paying its rent for about nine months to

keep a roof over my own head while it had remained mostly unemployed. One of

the reasons for my hitting rock bottom was that I believed the only people in

this world I sort of care about had been mostly leeching off me for nearly a

year while I had been on the dark side of depression and getting mentally worse

and worse, and those that I cared about either didn't notice or didn't care.

And I don't know now if they care but I'm not particularly concerned because

these remain the only people I can really tolerate. The reason I was thinking

about killing myself was because I was planning to move far away from anyone I

care about, and I couldn't find apartments there and had hardly a faint notion

of how I would live when I got there. I realized I would probably once again be

homeless, living in a dead-end city, working fast food, and I decided killing

myself was a better option than going through that again. And the reason I was

going to move was because the people I cared about wanted me out, because we

had gotten in an argument, and what compounded my depression was that just as

we were getting to the point of financial stability, of three of us having jobs

- the precipice, so damn close to my being able to go part-time and look for a

different job, right as I would be able to mostly work for myself rather than

my wages going to everyone who needed them - I was going to leave, mostly not

of my own volition but because I was wanted gone. So I had worked nine months

for the happiness of people who were discarding me, and I would be able to

share in none of the good times. That's why I dropped acid, and that was rock

bottom for me. I realized that if acid didn't, as the saying went, debug my

brain, I would be cutting power to the computer, because I couldn't continue

living the way I had. About an hour into doomscrolling I was suddenly seized by

a fit of emotionless laughter that surprised me. I assumed it was the placebo

effect - it was too early for the acid to even start kicking in - but was

confused by it. Then after about ten minutes everything started to change. The

light shining into the living room had a fantastic shimmer to it, the trees

swayed together in beautiful synchrony to the wind, my friends had a glow on

the surface of their skin. I tuned the television to Double King, an animation

purportedly even wilder on LSD, but it didn't really catch my attention. Time

lost its linearity entirely and events twisted upon themselves, causality was

damned, happenings overlapped with others. Chronology was nonsense, a ludicrous

concept for the insane. I saw kharma, the energy itself, real as Newtonian

physics. My stuffed shark Mynn had fur, soft fur, cut into triangles, and I

explored the surface of buns coat for hours, a forest of angles cutting into

the sky. This grasshopper crawled up onto the window and one of my roommates

pointed it out to me. I said "oh, wow". They said I was tripping balls. I said

"what?". They said I would never react to a cool bug by saying "oOOoH waaow". I

didn't quite understand. I got hungry and wanted ramen, so [...], who was trip

sitting me, made me ramen, and while fae was cooking I sat in the entryway to

the kitchen distraught. "I fucked everything up... and for what? It's all so

silly. I continue to harbor no resentment towards y'all. I don't wanna go to

Ohio." Fae said "There are ways to fix it, you know". I asked how. Fae said I

could get a job that wasn't killing me. I said I couldn't apply while tripping.

Fae said fae could apply for me. So I gave faer my resume and fae got to work

applying me to some high paying job while I had ramen at the table and laid on

the futon and looked out through the window - these three things

simultaneously. I chose ramen because I had heard spaghetti was notoriously

difficult to eat while tripping, and I did almost get lost traversing Bowl

Noodles on the way to chopstick land, but by breathing and not overthinking

things I finished my ramen and sat back in the kitchen while [...] made the

ramen I was eating. "Y'know, breathing really is the frame of reference. It's

everything. The breath is the focus point." I said and fae agreed. [...]:

"Always has been." Suddenly we were on the moon. Then I was thrust back to

Terra and landed on the couch to stare into space. [...] gave me some headpats

but too few.

I started whispering to myself, in my head. Deus ex machina, deus ex machina.

Fate from the machinations. If only there were a way to headpats. Then the

front door shuddered as [...], my ex from a couple months back, stepped in, two

hours into its scheduled shift at work. It had left as I held the tab under my

tongue, before my trip commenced. It was my preferred trip sitter but

Then I was crying, just after my trip started. I had an enormity, a belly full

of laughter, then I was crying on [...]'s shoulder, my body exhaling its

emotional toxins with every heaving sob. "Are you laughing?" fae asked me. I

between wails managed to mutter "No." "Are you laughing so hard you're crying?"

Again, "No." You're crying? I let go of [...] and stood rapt, my back straight,

my head steady, though my face was contorted into a deeply pained scowl and my

tears hadn't stopped flowing. I exhaled. It all left me. "I'm terribly sorry

for such an emotional outburst." I went to stare out of the window at the

rapidly aging earth, sun blasting out my eye holes using space lasers, trees

dancing so melodically. It seemed to matter to nobody. Nobody cared. I felt

free.

Then [...] held my hands in faers after I had finished my ramen. Fae looked me

in the eyes. "Trinity. Listen to me. I care about you." What? No. "No, I'm

serious. You mean a lot to me." How? I mean nothing to myself.

it had work today and today would have been the day I killed myself. "Just quit

work."

The rain poured down on us. We sat together at the corner, down the hill. I

didn't know how I got there. I watched its hair get wet and laughed gently,

noting its hair was perfect no matter the weather. It smiled and said it was

getting cold, so we should go back. So we started walking back up the hill,

back towards Big Lots", I said. "Big Lots?" it said. "Do you wanna go walk to

Big Lots?" "I want to go walk to Big Lots!" "We should walk to Big Lots!" any

of those three, their realities conjoining. I was probably peaking.

Big Lots. Shelves. Cat food. "Do you want this collar?" a cat collar. It asked.

"Maybe I oughtta put a collar on you." I replied. We went into the Big Lots. I

headed over to the back to look at the random electronics shit. I spotted the

headphones. "I'd like a pair of headphones to listen to Nurture by Porter

Robinson." It had a $20 bill but I didn't wanna spend $10 on headphones. We

moved over to the pet supply section, the munchies, then I went over to the

furniture section to check out the furniture. We tried out the overpriced

chairs and I checked out the drawers. It spoke. "Y'know, I would buy you a

bureau."

At that moment - I looked through the world, through the hill - at the stuff of

mine under my desk at the apartment. Splayed out because I couldn't get the

energy to clean it up. Nothing gross, just cables and clothes. In my mind's eye

I saw my stuff arrange into neat squares into some drawers. I'd like that.

We left Big Lots without buying anything and went over to a corner and felt the

starting rain on our skin. [...] accompanied me and [...] on our walk but I

asked faer to leave so I could ask my ex something, and I asked it then: "Are

you into me?" "Wow, that was quite... forward." "Well are you?" I couldn't get

a good read on it. "I don't know. Are you into me?" I lied: "I don't know."

Then I realized I couldn't leave it at that, not now. "Yes. Yes, I'm terribly

attracted to you. You are drop dead fuckin gorgeous. You're amazing. Badass."

It got flustered. We got back inside and it went off and did something else.

We were walking down the hill before Big Lots. "Y'know, one time my dad said

'that's some big hail' to me, and I thought he said 'snail' and I looked

outside and I said 'where's the snail?'" I put on an episode of Nichijou. I

don't remember which one, or anything about it. The OP was trippy though. [...]

continued its snail story: "I just didn't get that he was saying hail." I found

a YouTube playlist for Nurture. "And I didn't even realize until, like, a year

later." I turned each television speaker to face towards the immediate front of

the TV. How could someone care about me? Does anyone care about me? I was alone

in the living room, absent trip sitter or anyone else. I was really sad and

didn't know why. I got my sleeping bag and laid directly in front of and

perpendicular to the television, my head nearly against the screen. I hit Play.

I see visual snow. Not to the extent of visual snow syndrome, which I think is

qualified by disruption of daily life (mine is benign but always present). I

didn't know this until a roommate and I were talking about closed eye

visualizations and it came up. I thought it was normal; my vision just had this

"film grain", or the digital sensor was noisy, or something. When I close my

eyes there's this fuzziness, this ambiguity of hue caused by my visual snow

placing microscopic instantaneous spots of darkening and lightening on

everything I see, sort of like when you use a bad television antenna. Again, I

never noticed this because it never mattered to me; I could just look a little

longer at something to get enough information to discern the precise color,

sort of like a camera taking multiple pictures to use to denoise an image. I

see this snow when my eyes are closed, and when it's dark as it was in the

living room, they're simple blinking pearls of dark gray upon black.

Except these pearls were color, rainbows. And as I sailed my ship on the seas

of this album's song, they started to move consistently, which they had never

done. My visual snow was dancing to the music. So were the trees that night. I

drifted off into a cloud of Nurture and felt comfortable like I was being

comforted, which was a feeling that wasn't particularly familiar to me.

I lay in a field under the soft cloudy sky joining the earth.

I was eating a tuna sandwich. The album was over. I felt entirely different. I

put my sleeping bag on the futon and fell asleep. I didn't feel good, or

comfortable. I might have felt loved but probably not. I just felt like I

wanted to change, or maybe I wanted a change.

/blah/2024-07-30.html

tenpo lili la mi pali e sitelen ni, tan tenpo ali la mi pali ante.

In little time I work on this blah, for all the time I work elsewhere.

tenpo suno ni, la

Today,

mi wile taawa mute

I will travel a lot

li wile pali e moku mute

and will make a lot of food

li wile kon e kasi nasa

and will breathe a silly plant

tenpo mun kama, la mi wile lape

Tonight, I will sleep

kon mi li pilin lape. mi kama pona lon tenpo suno ni lon tenpo ni pi sike mun.

My spirit is tired. I'm becoming good over today and over this month.

kon mi li kama pilin pona. ni wile lon tenpo mute.

My spirit is becoming happy. This will occur over much time.

mi toki lon toki pona tawa jan pona mi. mi toki lon toki Inli tawa jan pali mi.

toki pona li pona tawa mi. toki Inli li Inli tawa mi :P

 @ -1050,6 +1050,199 @@ pre { /* DRY who? */
 }
 /blah/2024-07-31.html
 : my acid trip
 I don't remember much of my acid trip. I was working on something or another,
 or maybe just doomscrolling - a rotten, nasty habit I've picked up during my
 prolonged depression of about the last half year - no, wait, let's back up. So
 the tab I took would have been 200ug but I had half of that (cut into a
 triangle) and I held it under my tongue for an hour before swallowing it, sort
 of like taking sublingual estradiol valerate. Then, during that hour, I
 probably scrolled doom. Wait, let's back up some more. So the reason I went on
 my trip is because I was severely, profoundly depressed, and was entertaining
 the notion of killing myself via helium tank and oxygen mask. I was at rock
 bottom and then some. This was because I felt that I'd mostly fucked up my
 friendships by getting in a kind of nasty on my side argument with [...]. And
 that was because I realized I had been paying its rent for about nine months to
 keep a roof over my own head while it had remained mostly unemployed. One of
 the reasons for my hitting rock bottom was that I believed the only people in
 this world I sort of care about had been mostly leeching off me for nearly a
 year while I had been on the dark side of depression and getting mentally worse
 and worse, and those that I cared about either didn't notice or didn't care.
 And I don't know now if they care but I'm not particularly concerned because
 these remain the only people I can really tolerate. The reason I was thinking
 about killing myself was because I was planning to move far away from anyone I
 care about, and I couldn't find apartments there and had hardly a faint notion
 of how I would live when I got there. I realized I would probably once again be
 homeless, living in a dead-end city, working fast food, and I decided killing
 myself was a better option than going through that again. And the reason I was
 going to move was because the people I cared about wanted me out, because we
 had gotten in an argument, and what compounded my depression was that just as
 we were getting to the point of financial stability, of three of us having jobs
 - the precipice, so damn close to my being able to go part-time and look for a
 different job, right as I would be able to mostly work for myself rather than
 my wages going to everyone who needed them - I was going to leave, mostly not
 of my own volition but because I was wanted gone. So I had worked nine months
 for the happiness of people who were discarding me, and I would be able to
 share in none of the good times. That's why I dropped acid, and that was rock
 bottom for me. I realized that if acid didn't, as the saying went, debug my
 brain, I would be cutting power to the computer, because I couldn't continue
 living the way I had. About an hour into doomscrolling I was suddenly seized by
 a fit of emotionless laughter that surprised me. I assumed it was the placebo
 effect - it was too early for the acid to even start kicking in - but was
 confused by it. Then after about ten minutes everything started to change. The
 light shining into the living room had a fantastic shimmer to it, the trees
 swayed together in beautiful synchrony to the wind, my friends had a glow on
 the surface of their skin. I tuned the television to Double King, an animation
 purportedly even wilder on LSD, but it didn't really catch my attention. Time
 lost its linearity entirely and events twisted upon themselves, causality was
 damned, happenings overlapped with others. Chronology was nonsense, a ludicrous
 concept for the insane. I saw kharma, the energy itself, real as Newtonian
 physics. My stuffed shark Mynn had fur, soft fur, cut into triangles, and I
 explored the surface of buns coat for hours, a forest of angles cutting into
 the sky. This grasshopper crawled up onto the window and one of my roommates
 pointed it out to me. I said "oh, wow". They said I was tripping balls. I said
 "what?". They said I would never react to a cool bug by saying "oOOoH waaow". I
 didn't quite understand. I got hungry and wanted ramen, so [...], who was trip
 sitting me, made me ramen, and while fae was cooking I sat in the entryway to
 the kitchen distraught. "I fucked everything up... and for what? It's all so
 silly. I continue to harbor no resentment towards y'all. I don't wanna go to
 Ohio." Fae said "There are ways to fix it, you know". I asked how. Fae said I
 could get a job that wasn't killing me. I said I couldn't apply while tripping.
 Fae said fae could apply for me. So I gave faer my resume and fae got to work
 applying me to some high paying job while I had ramen at the table and laid on
 the futon and looked out through the window - these three things
 simultaneously. I chose ramen because I had heard spaghetti was notoriously
 difficult to eat while tripping, and I did almost get lost traversing Bowl
 Noodles on the way to chopstick land, but by breathing and not overthinking
 things I finished my ramen and sat back in the kitchen while [...] made the
 ramen I was eating. "Y'know, breathing really is the frame of reference. It's
 everything. The breath is the focus point." I said and fae agreed. [...]:
 "Always has been." Suddenly we were on the moon. Then I was thrust back to
 Terra and landed on the couch to stare into space. [...] gave me some headpats
 but too few.
 I started whispering to myself, in my head. Deus ex machina, deus ex machina.
 Fate from the machinations. If only there were a way to headpats. Then the
 front door shuddered as [...], my ex from a couple months back, stepped in, two
 hours into its scheduled shift at work. It had left as I held the tab under my
 tongue, before my trip commenced. It was my preferred trip sitter but
 Then I was crying, just after my trip started. I had an enormity, a belly full
 of laughter, then I was crying on [...]'s shoulder, my body exhaling its
 emotional toxins with every heaving sob. "Are you laughing?" fae asked me. I
 between wails managed to mutter "No." "Are you laughing so hard you're crying?"
 Again, "No." You're crying? I let go of [...] and stood rapt, my back straight,
 my head steady, though my face was contorted into a deeply pained scowl and my
 tears hadn't stopped flowing. I exhaled. It all left me. "I'm terribly sorry
 for such an emotional outburst." I went to stare out of the window at the
 rapidly aging earth, sun blasting out my eye holes using space lasers, trees
 dancing so melodically. It seemed to matter to nobody. Nobody cared. I felt
 free.
 Then [...] held my hands in faers after I had finished my ramen. Fae looked me
 in the eyes. "Trinity. Listen to me. I care about you." What? No. "No, I'm
 serious. You mean a lot to me." How? I mean nothing to myself.
 it had work today and today would have been the day I killed myself. "Just quit
 work."
 The rain poured down on us. We sat together at the corner, down the hill. I
 didn't know how I got there. I watched its hair get wet and laughed gently,
 noting its hair was perfect no matter the weather. It smiled and said it was
 getting cold, so we should go back. So we started walking back up the hill,
 back towards Big Lots", I said. "Big Lots?" it said. "Do you wanna go walk to
 Big Lots?" "I want to go walk to Big Lots!" "We should walk to Big Lots!" any
 of those three, their realities conjoining. I was probably peaking.
 Big Lots. Shelves. Cat food. "Do you want this collar?" a cat collar. It asked.
 "Maybe I oughtta put a collar on you." I replied. We went into the Big Lots. I
 headed over to the back to look at the random electronics shit. I spotted the
 headphones. "I'd like a pair of headphones to listen to Nurture by Porter
 Robinson." It had a $20 bill but I didn't wanna spend $10 on headphones. We
 moved over to the pet supply section, the munchies, then I went over to the
 furniture section to check out the furniture. We tried out the overpriced
 chairs and I checked out the drawers. It spoke. "Y'know, I would buy you a
 bureau."
 At that moment - I looked through the world, through the hill - at the stuff of
 mine under my desk at the apartment. Splayed out because I couldn't get the
 energy to clean it up. Nothing gross, just cables and clothes. In my mind's eye
 I saw my stuff arrange into neat squares into some drawers. I'd like that.
 We left Big Lots without buying anything and went over to a corner and felt the
 starting rain on our skin. [...] accompanied me and [...] on our walk but I
 asked faer to leave so I could ask my ex something, and I asked it then: "Are
 you into me?" "Wow, that was quite... forward." "Well are you?" I couldn't get
 a good read on it. "I don't know. Are you into me?" I lied: "I don't know."
 Then I realized I couldn't leave it at that, not now. "Yes. Yes, I'm terribly
 attracted to you. You are drop dead fuckin gorgeous. You're amazing. Badass."
 It got flustered. We got back inside and it went off and did something else.
 We were walking down the hill before Big Lots. "Y'know, one time my dad said
 'that's some big hail' to me, and I thought he said 'snail' and I looked
 outside and I said 'where's the snail?'" I put on an episode of Nichijou. I
 don't remember which one, or anything about it. The OP was trippy though. [...]
 continued its snail story: "I just didn't get that he was saying hail." I found
 a YouTube playlist for Nurture. "And I didn't even realize until, like, a year
 later." I turned each television speaker to face towards the immediate front of
 the TV. How could someone care about me? Does anyone care about me? I was alone
 in the living room, absent trip sitter or anyone else. I was really sad and
 didn't know why. I got my sleeping bag and laid directly in front of and
 perpendicular to the television, my head nearly against the screen. I hit Play.
 I see visual snow. Not to the extent of visual snow syndrome, which I think is
 qualified by disruption of daily life (mine is benign but always present). I
 didn't know this until a roommate and I were talking about closed eye
 visualizations and it came up. I thought it was normal; my vision just had this
 "film grain", or the digital sensor was noisy, or something. When I close my
 eyes there's this fuzziness, this ambiguity of hue caused by my visual snow
 placing microscopic instantaneous spots of darkening and lightening on
 everything I see, sort of like when you use a bad television antenna. Again, I
 never noticed this because it never mattered to me; I could just look a little
 longer at something to get enough information to discern the precise color,
 sort of like a camera taking multiple pictures to use to denoise an image. I
 see this snow when my eyes are closed, and when it's dark as it was in the
 living room, they're simple blinking pearls of dark gray upon black.
 Except these pearls were color, rainbows. And as I sailed my ship on the seas
 of this album's song, they started to move consistently, which they had never
 done. My visual snow was dancing to the music. So were the trees that night. I
 drifted off into a cloud of Nurture and felt comfortable like I was being
 comforted, which was a feeling that wasn't particularly familiar to me.
 I lay in a field under the soft cloudy sky joining the earth.
 I was eating a tuna sandwich. The album was over. I felt entirely different. I
 put my sleeping bag on the futon and fell asleep. I didn't feel good, or
 comfortable. I might have felt loved but probably not. I just felt like I
 wanted to change, or maybe I wanted a change.
 /blah/2024-07-30.html
 tenpo lili la mi pali e sitelen ni, tan tenpo ali la mi pali ante.
 In little time I work on this blah, for all the time I work elsewhere.
 tenpo suno ni, la
 Today,
 	mi wile taawa mute
 	I will travel a lot
 	li wile pali e moku mute
 	and will make a lot of food
 	li wile kon e kasi nasa
 	and will breathe a silly plant
 tenpo mun kama, la mi wile lape
 Tonight, I will sleep
 kon mi li pilin lape. mi kama pona lon tenpo suno ni lon tenpo ni pi sike mun.
 My spirit is tired. I'm becoming good over today and over this month.
 kon mi li kama pilin pona. ni wile lon tenpo mute.
 My spirit is becoming happy. This will occur over much time.
 mi toki lon toki pona tawa jan pona mi. mi toki lon toki Inli tawa jan pali mi.
 toki pona li pona tawa mi. toki Inli li Inli tawa mi :P
 /blah/2024-07-25.html
 : the resignation letter i wrote

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